the jaded viewer

The Shortround: Nacho Cerda's Aftermath (The F'ed Up Collection)

2013-05-21T13:00:00.000-04:00

There was a time when shocking horror movies were cloaked with an avante garde artsy feel. Clearly it could be taken as a mish mash of shock and awe. Either you were disgusted and repulsed or could find the inner meaning and theme of this short by Nacho Cerda.

All in all, it was a must see for it's content that few dared to take on. The early 90s indie horror scene went beyond depravity, it was a measure of undiluted filmmaking with creating something raw. Can a viewer from 2013 know that a short like this was one of the Holy Grails of underground horror?

Probably not.

These days, it's easily accessible, point and click. But can it still strike emotion? Disgust? Pure horror?

That's for you to decide. Go ahead and watch Nacho Cerda's infamous short. Are you jaded or are you shocked?

Spinkick These Trailers: Cut to Black

2013-05-08T21:01:00.000-04:00

In the early days of this blog, I would every now and then get an e-mail about a trailer/screener for non horror movies. I would take a look at the trailer and see if it was worth a watch. I'm an avid supporter of indie cinema and when I saw Dan Eberle's The Local (full review here) I really dug an authentic NYC underbelly. The NYC grime and crime you can only get from independent cinema. Later, Eberle returned with Prayer to a Vengeful God (full review here) which was more experimental and raw. I gave both movies 3 spinkicks and realized NYC's indie scene is still powerful and refreshing than I ever imagined.

Eberle is back with a new movie called Cut to Black. Here be the plot.

Bill Ivers, a disgraced ex-cop, is hired by a wealthy former friend to rid his estranged daughter, Jessica, of a petty a stalker. Soon, Bill finds himself interceding in Jessica's increasingly complicated life: caught between the crushing debt of a dangerous loan shark, and the specter of her father's shadowy past.

Cut to Black is a story of desperate people living in the wake of bad choices, trying to make the most of what's left of their time in this world. Nobody gets away clean in this tough story of love, loyalty, and the inevitable conclusion we're all headed for.

Color me excited except this film is in black and white it seems. I love Eberle's NYC, the characters he's created and the seemingly rawness of his stories. Looking forward to this one.

Check out the trailer.

More info here's some linkage: IMDB Facebook Twitter

An invisible man sleepin' in your bed, who you gonna call? THE JADED VIEWER!

2013-04-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

I've blogged about the world of horror for well over 10 years. I've watched every inconceivable paranormal, poltergeist and ghost movie probably ever made but I've never actually done any ghost hunting IRL. In less than a month, I'll be doing just that for the first time.

With some fellow Survivors, were all going to venture to The Shanley Hotel, a supposed haunted inn with a very dark past. Equipped with EVPs and recording devices, we shall see if we can hear and see the sights and sounds of the past. Part of me wants to bring a PKE meter, Tobin's Spirit Guide and a proton pack but I would need some help obtaining those items.

I've only done one other "ghost tour" and that was in New Orleans....during the day. If you look at those pictures, I'm not even sure I took a picture of a orb or ghost though they claimed there was a 90% chance I would.

Hence my tone of skepticism. I've seen and loved both Paranormal Activity and The Innkeepers. But that's movie magic and you're guaranteed to see bumps in the night. Who knows what will happen when I go on May 25th.

But here's the deal where believer and skeptic become a debate in your own head. I believe there is intelligent life in the universe. I believe there is unknown species we have yet to discover on this planet called Earth. But believing in something and wanting to believe are two different things.

I want to believe in Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. I want to believe extrasensory perception and time travel. I also want to believe in the paranormal. And so we put that to the test first. Because that is worth exploring. As Q in ST: TNG said once, it's "charting the unknown possibilities of existence".

Do you believe in ghosts? Have you gone on a mini investigation of our own to a supposed haunted place?
Let me know and share some advice with me.

Here be some linkage:

Evil Dead 2013 (Review)

2013-04-09T13:00:00.000-04:00

Evil Dead (2013)

Evil Dead (2013)

Directed by Fede Alvarez

Groovy.

Hollywood keeps churning out the remake machine. And we all keep eating it. Sometimes when you haven't eaten that cake you haven't had in a while, it tastes different, has more flavors and it's actually still damn yummy.

Welcome to the Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell approved Evil Dead sequel? remake? re imagining?

If you hold tried and true to the principles of what made Raimi's cabin in the woods film all so awesome, you won't fuck it up. Even when you add some Diablo Cody and some director you've never heard of, it will still work if you go with the old school makeup and gore effects and slip in a run down Oldsmobile. What you come up with is what I tweeted after seeing the flick:

There is an audience that has seen Raimi's #EvilDead and an audience that has NOT seen the original. This version works amazingly both.

Evil Dead goes for a straight take, book of the dead unleashed blood soaked horror film. Gone are the wacky hi jinks of ED2 and Army. What we have received in this installment is what noobs and hardcore veterans haven't seen in years, a demon menace wreaking havoc horror film. I have always been a fan of these films and like the cannibal movie of yesteryear, sometimes I want to see my first horror loves from so long ago.

When your nostalgia meter gets jacked to maximum and you see a few kids getting killed by all manners of weaponry, it's a fun time for all.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends head to a remote cabin, where the discovery of a Book of the Dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods. The evil presence possesses them until only one is left to fight for survival.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Might as well review this like I did Cabin in the Woods. With my slasher Q&A. In this case, I'll slightly modify it to be more demon-y focused.

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

It has a Deadite that goes all Urban Dictionary while being all possessively demonic and fucked up. There's tinge of wicked humor (let's call it Cody-isms) but more so awkward evil going all crazy.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Can you believe it? Nada. Sigh.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

We got our Ash-ish final girl Mia, David the older bro who borders on final guy, the nerdy tinkerer who unleashes the evil, the black tough girl and the ditzy blonde girlfriend. And yup they die waaaay over the top deaths. Our hipster has balls of fuckin steel but we'll get to that in a moment.

4.) No Plot?

It's the same old plot so pretty much no plot.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Our resident deadite does go all kill happy in a variety of ways. Needle trauma, brain smashing trauma, nail gun trauma, shotgun trauma, hammer time trauma.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

We get a version of happy molesting tree, some evil hand infection and some Ash-ing it up montage moments. Blood mayhem goes old school and I deeply appreciated it. You could tell the makeup and buckets of blood being used gave it that old timey horror glaze that we all love.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Our nerdy hippy who unleashed the evil dead sure can take a beating. He was stabbed, nail gunned, crowbared and beaten senseless and he kept breathing. Kudos to you dude.You must have been on meth or something.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

If you laughed it was probably a Cody-ism. Thank the old gods there wasn't a hamburger phone.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

You saw the Oldsmobile Delta 88 and the end credits scene. A few of the Raimi trademarks also show up.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Somebody will find the goddamn Necronimicon. They always do.

************************************************************

I'm not going to say Evil Dead is a perfect film, but it does its job well. It's 90 minutes of furious hellish fun that takes the cabin in the woods formula and gets all creative. I mean ever since Whedon's masterpiece, I've been scarred by the cliched woods film. But Alvarez seems to genuinely care about the source material, does his fair share of homaging and actually creates his own version that shines. Is it a sequel? a remake? a chapter?

Who the hell knows. We should be glad we got this installment of the franchise and be happy.

Groovy indeed.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Stalker: A NEW Interactive Horror Experience

2013-04-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

I received an early press release from a NYC theater group that is about to launch a new interactive experience in NYC. It seems the interactive horror may have gone mainstream as it's similar to the other haunts I've reviewed in the past.

Check out the press release.

*************************************************************************

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Stalker: Be the stalker or be the prey, a new interactive horror experience comes to NYC

Renegade Productions is proud to introduce a new interactive experience that will be unleashed to the people of New York City this summer. What would it be like to act as a serial killer stalking your prey? What would it be like to be the prey being stalked by a serial killer? In the world of Stalker, those questions will be answered as 2 willing participants face off head to head in a battle of wills straight out of a horror movie.

"The best way to describe it is Silence of the Lambs role playing. We hope people become fully invested in acting out their fantasies and in doing so trying to outsmart the person they are going against," says Jay Appleton, co-creator of Stalker. Participants will have to sign a waiver, give personal details of where they live and work, their social media accounts, phone number and e-mail. From this information a "stalker" will be able to taunt their prey in a variety of ways.

On the other end of the spectrum, the "prey" will also be able to piece clues to who his/her stalker is as a faux FBI dossier/profile will be given. Based upon this information, the person will have to work on finding out who this "stalker" is and prepare a way to survive and ultimately eliminate him or her. The winner will be the person who is able to outsmart, out think and out play their opponent in this real life cat and mouse horror scenario. "We think people will enjoy playing out a fantasy on the city streets where paranoia and thrills running high for a week," says Cassidy James, the other co-creator of Stalker.

Stalker will start this summer in NYC. More details are coming soon including price and ticket availability.

Welcome to the ultimate game of cat and mouse.

Stalker is designed and created by Jay Appleton and Cassidy James. They are the creators of Renegade Productions, a theater group based out of NYC.

For more information:
http://www.xxxxxxx.com
https://www.facebook.com/xxxxxxx
http://twitter.com/xxxxxx

For media information please contact XXXXXXXX at XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX.

*************************************************************************

I removed the PR info as it's not suppose to go out yet. So what does everybody think of this new horror production? Would you pay to be stalked? Would you pay to be the prey and be a pretend final girl or guy?

I'm going to have to definitely sign up for this. And trust me, I'm nobody's fool when it comes to being a stalker or being a stalkee.

The Underground History of Stealing Cable/Movies

2013-03-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

Back before the world of torrents and megaupload, an industry thrived on getting the most bang for your buck when it came to maximixing your cable and movie viewing. I may be dating myself, but I lived in a time when there were only 7 fuckin channels (CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, your local channels and PBS). When cable came along it was a warped up version of TV. But still we had to figure out ways to buck the system because...who the fuck wants to pay extra right?

So I'm going to take you on a journey of how life was fuckin hard back in the day....when it came to getting free premium channels and well you know porn. Some of you may have done the same. It's a bit of nostalgia for all of us then so let's reminisce shall we?

1.) Stealing HBO (circa the 80s)

Even before Time Warner and Cablevision cornered the market, there was a way to get HBO for free before the world of Cable TV. You just had to have an antenna and box. HBO back in the day broadcasted via signal and so to get the Tyson fights you had to use an antenna stick that could be pointed in a certain direction and get the signal. It came with an old radio box to fine tune the signal. As a kid I would have to go on the roof to fine tune the signal. My dad really wanted to watch Tyson knock out somebody.

2.) The Black Box (the 80s and 90s)

If you're old enough, you remember the black box. The black box was a cable box (all different makes and models) that was reset to allow the box the accept all signals (including premium channels, PPVs and especially porn). It had other names such as cable descrambler but in essence it was set to be in test mode so all channels were accessable. The story usually went a friend of a friend who worked at the cable company could get you one for $100-$150. The drawback was the cable company could "zap" your box and reset it rendering it useless. It was risky proposition but if it remained viable, you'd get your moneys worth. One of your friends had one and stealing cable seemed like no big deal. Of course you could always have the cable guy activate your box for a fee.

3.) DirecTV and H cards (circa the 90s)

The Internet was just in its infancy and the signal pirates were stealing serious loot. Thanks to DirecTV. All you needed was to purchase a satellite dish, a satellite receiver and a hacked H card. The dish and receiver were legit. The H card was the tricky part. eBay was a haven for purchasing hacked H cards. The card controlled what you were allowed to see. It was an actual card you inserted into your receiver and if you could manipulate it, you had all the channels. This all ended when the dish companies got smart and started zapping the illegal cards. Fun times ended by corporate greedy bastards.

4.) Napster and Limewire (circa the 00s)

I won't rehash Napster lore but Limewire was one of many P2P bit torrent programs to get the same content we wanted from the 80s. Everybody remembers their first download and the classic clips. I mean where did you watch the night vision Paris Hilton sex tape?

5.) The Torrent (present day)

Shhhh. It's still around despite what people say. I mean how you gonna watch Game of Thrones right?

*************************************************

So I hope that history lesson helped you understand that no matter how hard the television and movie industry try, the underground will find a way to get around it. People are willing to pay for the shows and movies they watch, be it we get what we paid for. Technology will always have loopholes. And where there are loopholes, the pirates will be.

All we want is to watch is some motherfuckin Game of motherfuckin Thrones. Why make it so hard?

Watch Cannibal Holocaust on YouTube right now (because you can)

2013-03-19T13:00:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA. My TV was fucked up for a few weeks and I couldn't review any movies. But that lead me to watching more Internet videos then I care to admit. Surprisingly, it seems there are quite a lot of cannibal trailers, clips and ENTIRE full length flicks on YouTube.

I've already given you my Top 5 Cannibal Movies of All Time as well as 5 Things I Learned from Cannibal Movies. So I've watched my fair share of these flicks but the Cannibal Holocaust is without a doubt just the most fucked up movie in my movie watching history.

If you're a noob who's self teaching yourself the skid row junkie world of exploitation, it'd be best to view this on an empty stomach.

What a world we live in that you can watch a most fucked up movie on your computer instead of a 4th generation dubbed VHS tape. You kids have it fuckin easy.

Enjoy!

Here are some fun facts for you after you watch the film! How about some FAQ too!

The Best Reviews from Maggot Video

2013-03-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

I was reading this review of the ultra fucked up Japanese nihilism film All Night Long and I came upon this section of the entry.

Prior to it receiving a DVD release with English subtitles it was heavily distributed on the Video Tape exchange circuit. The film gained a cult status amongst fans due to the films over-the-top violence and disturbing nature.

Ahhh the Video Tape Exchange circuit. Seems so fancy when you say it that way. Basically in other words, it was called horror trading. And people exchanged lists where you would trade your badly dubbed horror movies with their badly dubbed horror movies. I've documented this before.

As one of the sites that inspired this one, Gore Maggot Video was one of my go to guys to trade. Sure I know his real name, but to me and Insano Steve, he'll always be GoreMaggot. And his reviews on his list are legen....wait for it....dary.

We would trade up to 7 movies over postal mail with this guy. Insano Steve would head to Chinatown, get some VCDs, dub them and make trades. It was the ONLY way to see cult and crazy fucked up movies in the late 90s and early 00's. This died down when torrenting became crazy prevalent as well as YouTube but I still have a collection of VHS tapes from my horror trading days. Alas the irony is I have no VHS player to ever watch them again.

Maggot Video reviews sold themselves. I've collected a few below for you to enjoy but first check out. Enjoy!

I CAN DO D.V.D.'s NOW!!!!!!!!....Same prices as the videos,so let me know what you want.all titles are from international source, from one collector to another, no rights implied or given.I'm always getting new cool stuff so check back every couple of months.Thank you.

all titles come in clam-shell case with cover-art and printed disc's(with only a few exceptions).If you don't care about the color cover & case, I'll sell you as many as you want for only 8.00 $ each!

videos and D.V.D.'s are recorded in SP mode on high quality tapes & D.V.D.R's for best picture and sound quality

$10.00 per title (plus shipping, please see shipping rates)
get any 10 flicks for 80 bucks postage paid!

Great reviews of "Extreem" films. The spelling errors were part of the charm in my opinion.

DAS KOMABRUTALE DUELL--WOW!!!!!! This is one sick puppy! I just got this in not too long ago ,once again ,its in German with no subs....but who gives a fuck!!!this shit rocks. This flick ranks right up there with PREMUTOS for unrelenting ultre gore and insanity.They use more fake blood in this than any flick I've seen in a long time(Maby the most ever) definatly one of the goriest flicks on this site. There is a scene where a guy sneaks up on a pregnant woman sitting on a bench in a park(I think its the broad from the picture below),he comences to kill her very brutally...then he cuts out her twin fetuses...throws them down and does a tatter masher stomp on them.This movie is sick. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR SICKO'S

Great reviews of Takashi Miike films.

CITY OF LOST SOULS--Yet another kick ass flick by Takashi Miike(VISITOR Q) This one is an action flick on the same lines as Time & Tide but alot bloodier,plus he had a 4 million doller budget for this one and the F/X are awsome!You gotta see the CGI kung fu cock fight,it's like a MATRIX chicken fight.CRAZY!!!

GRAVEYARD OF HONOR—Cool Takashi Miike flick with lots of Yakuza violence ,abused women and drug induced insanity.

VISITOR Q--This is a very fucked up flick by Takashi Miike (Fudoh: A New Generation,Audition)This is his answer to GUMMO & REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.Lets just say this is the disfunctional family flick to top them all,This is way sicker than those other flicks though.If you are currently happy with your family situation,DONT! let your wife see this movie(or any of the guinea pigs for that matter

Sometimes, you don't know the titles.

DEAD BABY DOLL (DONT KNOW THE TITLE FOR THIS ONE SO I MADE UP THIS )

I've seen this film and I agree.

DR.LAMB--Sick!sick!sick!cat.3(serial killer flick)

Sometimes he didn't have subs on his movies.

EROTIC NIGHTMARE—H/K Cat. 3 with Anthony Wong (Untold Story ,Ebola Syndrom) chinese language only. Sorry.

MU ZAN E---THIS GROUP OF FLICKS STARTING WITH THE RED ROOM ARE PART OF A NEW LINE OF TOTALLY FUCKED UP FETISH/GORE FLICKS COMEING OUT OF JAPAN.SAID TO BE "THE NEW GUINEA PIGS" THESE FLICKS ARE WAY OVER THE TOP FUCKED UP.ALOT OF MENSTRAL FETISH SHIT IN THESE FOR SOME REASON(LIKE SUCKING A MOUTHFULL OUT & SPITTING IT OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. SICK! THESE FLICKS ARE ABOUT AN HOUR EACH ,IN JAP. WITH NO SUBS,SORRY....PRETTY EASY TO FOLLOW THOUGH.

He used the "kick ass" alot in his reviews Which is how that phrase ended up in my reviews.

FEMALE CONVICT SCOROION: JAILHOUSE 41----Kick ass,good quality,letterboxed,English subs(these flicks are cool,they look like they came from the same era as the babycart flicks,70's for sure.Beautifully shot..nice and violent and exploitational)

Some of his movies weren't for kids and he'd let you know.

GAMERA 3,THE REVENGE OF IRIS--AWSOME!AWSOME1AWSOME1not for kids,blew me away!
GAMERA,GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE--TOTALLY AWSOME!NOT FOR LITTLE KID'S

We horror trader bootleggers suffered from copying the same dubbed copy over and over again and trading that shit.

ICHI THE KILLER--SUPER ULTRA GORY TAKASHI MIIKE FLICK! KILLER CGI GORE F/X ,TWISTED STORY. THE QUALITY ISNT THE BEST,BUT ITS WATCHABLE.THIS IS THE PRINT THATS GOING AROUND,IF YOU KNOW OF A BETTER PRINT THAT LET ME KNOW. HIGHLY RECOMENDED.

Sometimes movies only needed one word reviews.

THE RAPE MAN- cool!

And sometimes he gave you a fuckin screenplay for a review.

PSYCHO: THE SNUFF REELS aka. TUMBLING DOLL OF FLESH--Thomas Takanawa, Richard Fujimoto and Harold Akira are three lonely Japanese teens bored of their middle-classed existence. But before you can say American Pie, Bettie Hirohito enters the picture. She is young and effervescent; a robust example of youth and vivacity. “Hey guys!,” exclaims Thomas. “I’ve got my dad’s video camera. Let’s make a movie!” “What kind of movie?,” ponders Bettie. “A porn, of course,” shout all three males in unison; their wistful synchronicity and pleading eyes eventually persuading a begrudging Bettie. Harold, being the most endowed of the three plunders Betties hirsute vagina while the other boys shout words of encouragement and film the act. However, everyone knows that promiscuity and pornography lead young strays like our protagonists down a menacing path of illicit deeds and murder. And thusly, Yellow Love turns into the Slant-Eyed Slaughter. Bettie is tied down and forced to endure a bizarre mélange of physically sexual depravities. Bettie is chopped, diced and pureed into a mishmash of pulverized flesh and splintered bone. Psycho delivers a deluge of spilled blood and butchered flesh; its undertaking is another sick, but pointless endeavour where flesh is pitted against sharpened steel and as always, comes up short. While the film takes far too long to finally bombard you with some wonderfully vile acts, Psycho: The Snuff Reels is a hilarious romp that eschews typical pornography and gore motifs by combining the two styles; Psycho is a tumor rooted in Guinea Pig/Flowers Of Flesh And Blood and August Underground Mordum. It is an exciting Japanese gornography epic with a modicum of verisimilitude hindered only by annoying genital fogging.SICK!!SICK!!SICK!! Japanese language only.

I'll do a second part if you enjoyed this one. So who traded horror back in the day? Sound off if you did.

Nightmares Haunted Attraction: Dark Valentine (Review)

2013-02-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

Coming off the high from my previous off season haunted house experience, it didn't take long for me to get my fix ASAP. The Raven and the Black Cat offered me the opportunity to check out a haunted attraction that wasn't on my radar but definitely made me a follower for years to come. Welcome to Nightmare Dark Valentine.

So with "Special K" and TRATBC in tow, we mini roadtripped out to Passaic, NJ to check out their off season Valentine's Day haunt and it definitely didn't disappoint.

It's not often I trek across the river, but I'm willing to get my haunt on anytime and any place. The place being Brighton Asylum, a location in itself that's spooky as hell. The thing that separates about haunts in Jersey seems to be the massive space they get to occupy compared to their NYC counterparts. Nightmares Dark Valentine, which has previously offered Halloween and Christmas variants seems to take full advantage of this location.

Entering through a massive warehouse, I saw a clear Valentine's Day theme going. Balloons, hearts and a miner.Wait a miner? Say what? It seems the Dark Valentine theme here was inspired by the movie My Bloody Valentine 3D. On display were photo ops with "The Miner" (part of a contest on their Facebook page) as well as wardrobe attire from the movie Warm Bodies. It's always good to have a haunt align themselves with the horror flicks that are currently out.

As Special K and RATBC enter the haunt, it's a pitch darkness within a maze of darkened corridors that gets you a bit uneasy. In one dark hallway, I bumped into a figure I think may have been an actual human being OR a mannequin. I still don't know. You start to put your hand in front of you to figure out what direction to go to. It seems the total blackout effect is a lost art in haunted houses and here, they've brought in back and it works damn well.

Each of the rooms has it's own personality. Some of the rooms have hanging electrical wire, others with corpses and others with who knows what. The "jump scares" where actors seem to BOO! you out of nowhere were very well designed appearing via window slots and from the corner of a dark room.

And they don't just shout a quick scare and let you go. No no no. Some of our "miner" slashers decided to follow us across rooms. I had a very curious miner complete with a jumpsuit and gas mask follow me around as I pushed hanging dead corpses at him. It's kind of fun to see how they'll react.

Another room that stood out was a bench that gave you a different angle on seeing some dead bodies. It was quite inventive and I haven't been thrilled like that in a long time at a traditional haunted house. A few more rooms had some pesky silent but deadly children as well as a woman looking for blood donations.

All in all, the ending was not as jump-tastic as I would hoped but the most surprising thing I encountered was that Special K, The Raven and the Black Cat and I went through the entire 40 minute or so haunt all my ourselves. We never ran into the group in front of us and the group behind us never snuck up and crowded us. It was timed well and flowed brilliantly.

Nightmare Dark Valentine was the rare haunted house that takes a theme and embraces it. They paced the groups so that everybody was able to have their alone time with the haunt, the pitch black corridors added a level of terror I haven't seen in a long time and the creativity was new and exciting.

If this is the effort they put in an off season haunt, I can't wait to check out what they do during Halloween. Hopefully they won't wait that long and we'll see a few off season events to bridge the gap.

The Vitals...

Brighton Asylum is located at 2 Brighton Ave Passaic, NJ 07055 Exit 154 off Garden state Pkwy South (located on Clifton border)
Check out the official site
Check out the Facebook page
Follow their Twitter page

Blackout Haunted House 2013 Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (Review)

2013-02-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

"You know what's fun? Watching a great horror movie. You know what's more fun? Being in one courtesy of Blackout Haunted House."

-tweet from The Jaded Viewer after experiencing the off season haunt.

I immediately tweeted that out after experiencing my 6th Blackout haunt. I don't know what you want to call me at this point. A Blackout hardcore enthusiast? A haunted house veteran? A deranged and certifiable lunatic?

Probably all of the above I guess.

But I'm drawn to taking my horror-fandom to the next level. I love horror movies and this here blog is a tribute to the genre. But rarely does one get a chance to experience the genre in a new way. How does one cosplay as a horror final boy/girl? Horror conventions? Fuck that.

I want the real deal. Where can you act out being a protagonist in your own horror movie? I'm not a professional actor. I was once in a zombie short film in college. But sometimes you want to play the hero. You sometimes ask yourself what you would do in the same situation you see cliched horror film characters in.

And Blackout Haunted House lets me do just that.

You may have gone to their October/Hallowen haunt in NYC or in Los Angeles. But LA, I'm sorry you received a "best hits" compilation. Stuff I did in 2010 and 2011. NYC got the cutting edge experiment which in itself was awesomely fun. But let me tell you fellow jaded viewers, the 2013 off season winter haunt in NYC was clearly the pinnacle of this production. Everything hit on all cylinders, like a well oiled machine. From the opening scene to the wild ending, all were pieces to a puzzle that don't actually make sense until days later (and with the help of some fellow Survivors). It's a clear evolutionary jump of what they have been doing. The Blackout madness has spread nationally and is now far from it's NYC underground whispers. It's blown up big time, a mushroom cloud of pure, undiluted interactive terror.

And here's where I disappoint you all. I'm not giving a walkthrough of this haunt. Well not yet hopefully. What makes Blackout unique is the DUH! Not knowing what will happen. And the team at Blackout has made it clear of what's to come via a post on their Facebook page.

hey NYC - thank you to all the people who came out for this week's first off-season adventure. we had an amazing time with each and every one of you and appreciate your support. of course we won't confirm anything, but it's possible other people may get the chance to experience this specific show so please keep the details to yourself and off this page. feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, reviews, etc - but please, no spoilers.

So it might be coming to a city near you. And why would I want to spoil what only 80 or so brave people have enjoyed so far. And possibly what you can enjoy in the near future. But I will tell you my thoughts on this interactive theater performance. First the rules and factoids.

You did have to go through this alone.
It was somewhere in NYC's East Village.
It lasted about 45 minutes.
You did have to sign a waiver.
There was a safety word. It was "SAFETY".
It was open to the public for the first time this year.

What happened over those 45 minutes is the most brilliant piece of storytelling, WTF-ness and pure exhilarating and thrilling moments I've had in my life. The moment it begins, it's fuckin on. Instructions are given and it's all reflex. You're a loyal soldier of Blackout. The first 10 minutes are eerie and actually only make sense after you actually complete this game to the end. What the 2013 haunt gives is pure cinematic visuals, sets that resemble a "hot" Hollywood set and acting that pushes the boundaries of extreme theater.

The beauty of it is you, and you alone are the lone audience for this masterpiece. And you alone are the star. And you dictate the reactions of what's to come and what can be said. It's interactive theater taken beyond your wildest imaginations. You get a personalized experience all your own. Horror and theater fans alike will come away with a unique experience all to themselves. Your dialogue is etched in stone. Your memories become permanent markers of clearly something that has never been done before. It is surreal theater for the demented and the delusional. And it's fuckin fun.

Many elements of the past Blackout experience are present. But new ones are thrown in. I got a sense of a lull before the storm, becoming panic stricken moving from place to place and darkness became the dread that keeps on giving everytime I go to a Blackout haunt. What Blackout does so effectively is amplify your senses into overdrive. Sight is not just one sense they play with, they also go with sound, smell and touch. You start to realize your comfort zone is realizing you won't have one and dealing with it.

Blackout has been all about the fear and they challenge you to overcome a variety of general fears we all have. Like going through a psychologist's list of ailments, they chose a few that many probably secretly have but dare not tell anybody. You'll need to overcome these fears quickly in order to move on. Sure you can call SAFETY, but that's not in my fuckin vocabulary. It's quite a sense of accomplishment when you can be victimized mentally and physically but get through it unscathed. I will say there are some levels of abuse or what you can call pseudo torture. But more so it's clearly all in your head. The mind makes it real.

In terms of the performances, I will say they were slow burn and meticulously fantastic. To be able to spend quality time with these charaters for longer than 2 minutes (compared to the October haunts) is why the off season is worth every penny. Each character you are introduced to is unique and central to what is going on. They talk to you and you can respond when prompted. They are there to push the agenda, the story and to make you realize you are there because you want to be there.

Which brings us to the story. I've mentioned this before, Blackout is like being a final girl/guy in your own horror movie. And in this off season haunt, you will become one and follow a linear story with the twist being you're part of it. What you will slowly realize is Blackout is part of the story too and they will make you pay wickedly for the time you spend there.

Blackout Haunted House 2013 Off Season NYC Winter haunt is without a doubt the apex of the Blackout experience. There were many moments of uncomfortableness and humiliation that many people will run away from to avoid. What do I do? I pay a ticket to experience it. I have longed to be part of theater, a wannabe actor in my mind who believed I could be the ultimate survivor.

But I'm probably just a crazed loon who should be in a mental hospital, locked up in the dark with a surgical mask on. The doctors saying all you need to say is "safety" and we'll let you out. And what do I do, I start shaking my head.

"No, I will never ever say it....never...never....ever."

****************************************************************

Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Special K's Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Blackout Haunted House Testimonials Part 4: Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (2013)

2013-02-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Here is Part 4 of the Blackout Survivors testimonials. In this edition, Special K (who wrote a wallkthrough of the 2012 October Haunt) gives us her thoughts about partaking for a second time into their off season haunt. Theater can make quite an impact, and Special K discusses her trials and tribulations in the testimonial below.

Oh what we do for a free t-shirt.

This is the last Survivor review. I'll be posting my own review of Blackout Haunted House's NYC Off Season Winter Haunt at the end of this week.

(I believe it's necessary you get different perspectives of the others who attended well. Collected below and in the upcoming days are reviews and testimonials of some of the brave "Survivors" who dared to go where only a few decided to tread. You'll hear from men and women who decided to attain glorious bragging rights to the horror interactive theater production that is Blackout. Some are hardcore veterans while others are semi new. But all are bizarrely addicted to the adrenaline rush of being the protagonist of their own horror movie.)

****************************************************************

When off season tickets opened up to Blackout's nearly 10,000 strong fan base this year, I was slightly worried. I should have known better. In hindsight it was a brilliant move; we, the fans, had to rely on each other like never before in order to reserve an appointment. And without divulging our secrets I will say this: the morning tickets went on sale, the game had already started. And it wouldn't be over until Blackout decided it should be, and well, (spoiler): it never is...

With less than I week to prepare, my anxiety kicked into overdrive. I had struggled with Spring 2012 and was left questioning my decision to enter into that world again. What if something similar - or worse - was in store? I had to act fast and I had to do it on blind trust. But this addiction has no remedy -- of course I returned. And I'm so glad I gave them another chance -- they blew it out of the water.

I've been sworn to secrecy on specifics, but I will say this: from the moment I stepped inside I knew this chapter was different. When the experience began, I was lulled into meditative bliss by the sights and sounds around me. Going forward, this show hit all my deepest emotional triggers: embarrassment, eroticism, humor, fear, tenderness and nostalgia.

There was a moment that at one time in my life would have sent me into a petrified panic. I didn't enjoy it, but the fact that I allowed it to unfold was huge. These people have already seen me naked, at my most vulnerable, and there's nothing worse. Sometimes you don't really know what you're capable of until you no longer have a choice. The fact that I got past this without too much struggle was intensely liberating.

Another moment touched so close to home it made me second guess whether this was still a show or a real life memory - and nearly made me cry.

The entire experience was cinematic and story driven. One of the magical things about Blackout is their ability to transport each participant into another world. You lose yourself in there - anything that troubles you on the outside no longer exists. Perhaps more powerful, things that should trouble you on the inside, no longer do. It's pure survival. An opportunity to be completely absorbed in the moment like this is healing and trans formative. The pressure is on, it's all about you - but these actors are so talented, you forget all of that.

This is no longer a haunted house. It has evolved into theatre in its most raw, vital form. Prior to Blackout, I enjoyed going to shows but there was always a disconnect. I couldn't relate characteristics of myself to an actor who was confident and comfortable in the spotlight.

By redefining what it means to be an audience member, Blackout has made a believer out of this horror chick turned theater fan. In here, those lines blur. The actors are with you. And sometimes they're even more than that. In here, you almost feel like you're one of them. And they're one of you.

"I find myself in the middle of an eye, watching myself in its blank stare."

This year, after the adrenaline wore off (spoiler: it took days) I was left with a haunting sense of peace. This show was brilliantly, beautifully horrific and tugged at my heartstrings with it's poignant, existential intimacy. It meant a lot to me, Blackout. I can't wait to see where the story takes us next.

-Special K

Were you one of the lucky Survivors? Want to share your thoughts to the world. Facebook or tweet me your review (no spoilers please).

****************************************************************

Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Special K's Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Blackout Haunted House Testimonials Part 3: Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (2013)

2013-02-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

For Part 3, I have treat for you. Survivor "Wrapped in Plastic" discusses HER thoughts about the infamous off season Winter experience. Men and Women alike attended this haunt and it left a crater sized mind fuck in our heads.

Seriously, the shit we did for this goddamn free t-shirt was insane.

Before I post my own review of Blackout Haunted House's NYC Off Season Winter Haunt, I believe it's necessary you get different perspectives of the others who attended well. Collected below and in the upcoming days are reviews and testimonials of some of the brave "Survivors" who dared to go where only a few decided to tread. You'll hear from men and women who decided to attain glorious bragging rights to the horror interactive theater production that is Blackout. Some are hardcore veterans while others are semi new. But all are bizarrely addicted to the adrenaline rush of being the protagonist of their own horror movie.

Check back at midnight over the next few weeks as you hear from the brave souls who survived.

****************************************************************

For the first time in four events, I left Blackout laughing. Granted, it was a wild-eyed, shell-shocked, half-hysterical kind of laughter, but the experience left me giddy. Over the span of 45 (sometimes too-long, sometimes too-short) minutes, I had faced up to my greatest fears, performed in acts that left me tearful and delighted, and left trembling and transcendent from the heady rush of adrenaline that Blackout produces so well.

More so than in the past, a clearly defined narrative dictates the overall structure of this show. This is the first time I've felt Blackout move definitively past the realm of walk-through haunted house and into being an act of immersive psychological theater. There's no doubt that this is a play, but a play unlike any you've ever seen before, made that much more effective by your involvement as the ostensible protagonist of the story. The caliber of performances and aesthetics of the set design are on par with any traditional staged play I've seen and certain themes echo throughout that remind you that this is still theatre, only evolved.

The rooms are almost elegant in their simplicity. Even those that you immediately recognize as places of horror are carefully arranged so as to frame you and the actors in such a way that you can't forget that You Are Here and that you are a part of this and that really, you only have yourself to blame for it. The actors move as wolves around you, the sacrificial lamb cut off from your flock, always with a reservation of energy and an underlying threat of violence liable to explode at any moment. And it will. And it does.

These images, yellowed flashbulb snaps of me and them and us together and even rooms of no one at all, are still as vivid to me as though they'd just occurred - mental Polaroids that cut through the rush of adrenaline that is at times deafening. In the past the constant movement through the scenes tended to make everything that happens to you a blur in recollection, but the stayed hand you see exercising careful control over each moment creates an experience that will lingers vivid long after the emotion settles out.

Subtlety is a key word. By comparison, Blackout's Halloween events are a 30-minute long roller-coaster ride in which you're jerked from one startling encounter to the next. This time, however, the limited number of scenes and increased length of performance this time gives ample room to settle into the moment.

Considering I'd spent the previous several days in an increasingly panicked build-up to the event, being left with my own thoughts is a devious way to let my imagination get the best of me. The mind fills in the blanks that are left, and when you're already familiar with the experiences that Blackout can deliver, those blanks aren't going to be filled with warm fuzzies. At one point I became so wrapped up in my own paranoid delusions that I started to physically tremble, shaking uncontrollably under the weight of my own anticipation. The scene in question involved no one but myself.

But don't let any of this reserve lull you into a sense of security - it's only the deafening, dreadful quiet that comes between cracks of thunder. This is the most confrontational Blackout that I've experienced. Certainly Spring 2012 was challenging (who's comfortable getting naked in front of strangers? me, apparently) but the psychological games that this performance plays go far deeper. As a pervasive theme that amplified in Halloween 2012, Blackout continues to toe a very fine line between sexuality and violence. They push their own boundaries to create scenarios that all at once repulse and arouse, horrify and titillate. The scenes are visceral blows, senses assaulted by a barrage of smells, sights, touches, and sounds that shake you out of your day-to-day mind and pull you deep into the experience. Your body responds without your mind being able to catch up as each sense is overwhelmed in turn.

And if you think you're unafraid of anything, give it time. Blackout will find what disturbs you, and there's nothing quite like when they find what sets off those reptile-brain reactions and you forget all rationality. You will know that they know when they've found it, and that's almost as scary as actually experiencing it. It's through this give-and-take that personally, I've realized that maybe my greatest fear (when forced to either face it or quit outright) maybe isn't my greatest fear anymore, and though I couldn't call that experience pleasant, it's a bit of a revelation to realize how much Blackout has shaped my reactions to things that frighten me. Old fears seem less scary when you've survived them, but new ones emerge to take their place when you experience them for the first time.

When I fled from the location, I ran into another Survivor who came to meet me. She asked me what thought and the first thing I shouted, laughing, was "It was beautiful." Blackout has outdone themselves. Their voice has been evolving since this all began, and this time, I feel like they've nailed it. The lingering tones of faith and fanaticism, sex and violence, beauty and filth have never been as clear as they were this time around, from the looking-glass opening until the final shocking end. They've raised the bar not only for their eager audience but for themselves as well. I'm proud beyond description to witness this evolution and to be a part of Blackout. And after being so changed by these experiences, I'm even more proud that Blackout has become a part of me.

-Wrapped in Plastic

Were you one of the lucky Survivors? Want to share your thoughts to the world. Facebook or tweet me your review (no spoilers please).

****************************************************************

Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Special K's Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Blackout Haunted House Testimonials Part 2: Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (2013)

2013-02-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

And the testimonials continue....

More Survivors explaining why they endured for 45 minutes for that damn free t-shirt.

Before I post my own review of Blackout Haunted House's NYC Off Season Winter Haunt, I believe it's necessary you get different perspectives of the others who attended well. Collected below and in the upcoming days are reviews and testimonials of some of the brave "Survivors" who dared to go where only a few decided to tread. You'll hear from men and women who decided to attain glorious bragging rights to the horror interactive theater production that is Blackout. Some are hardcore veterans while others are semi new. But all are bizarrely addicted to the adrenaline rush of being the protagonist of their own horror movie.

Check back at midnight over the next few weeks as you hear from the brave souls who survived.

****************************************************************

"America. Our entertainment is generic. Boring. Mass produced. Safe. TV, movies, food, fashion, even mainstream PG13 horror - it all has to fit inside the boundaries of the lowest common denominators. Blackout actively seeks out your boundaries so it can explode through them and snuggle up close to all of the fears, secrets and desires you'd rather not share with anyone. Blackout is not generic. Blackout is very much not safe. Blackout Haunted House - the name is a little misleading. There are no clowns with chainsaws. There are no vampires or zombies. The "house" isn't the thing that's haunted. Once Blackout is through with you, you're the thing that's haunted."

-D-Vice

"This is the first off season that I've had the pleasure of experiencing. Having gone through Halloween 2012 twice I had a small grasp on how Blackout operated. Also armed with the reviews of the Jaded Viewer I felt I had enough working knowledge to take on an off-season show. I'll follow up that statement with this: That's not something you prepare for.... this is the kind of shit that you see someone for after surviving it.

The show starts and it's calm, almost hypnotic as I'm transported to the world of Blackout. It's a strange feeling to know that you've bought a ticket to a show....only to realize that it's about you. They take their time to set the mood, and really immerse you in this experience. Everything else around you melts away and you're left in their world....they're in control now.

Blackout as a whole is a mentally and physically challenging experience that aims to push you to your furthest limits, then wave as they go flying by. It's an incredible shock to the senses, as they toy with many aspects of our normal lives, make you take a step back and see how devoted you are to an ideology, or the significance you place in it. They force you into situations where your choices dictate your outcome, determining if you'll continue on.

After that night, I was left with more questions than an episode of 'Lost'. It left me bewildered, a little confused, a little neglected. On the ride home I used the time to reflect, not only on what I had just been through, but myself as well. The show, of course is a dramatization of real life events that could feasibly happen to anyone.....on the unluckiest day of their life. It's still rooted in “real life” though and it kept me up for a quite a while. What would I actually do in those situations? How would I react? Would I shut down, or fight back? It gave me a new found respect for the characters and stories I love so much in my favorite movies. To be given just a taste of what “the last survivor” is going through in the final scenes, or being thrown into the climax of a movie.....it brings things into perspective as I sit here tonight armchair quarterbacking the horror movie playing in the background.

As dumbfounded as I was wandering NYC after that show, I was proud. I rose to the challenge and took on Winter Blackout. I made it through- I survived."

– Scarecrow

Were you one of the lucky Survivors? Want to share your thoughts to the world. Facebook or tweet me your review (no spoilers please).

****************************************************************

Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Special K's Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)

Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)

Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)

Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Blackout Haunted House Testimonials Part 1: Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (2013)

2013-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Oh what we do for a free t-shirt.

Before I post my own review of Blackout Haunted House's NYC Off Season Winter Haunt, I believe it's necessary you get different perspectives of the others who attended well. Collected below and in the upcoming days are reviews and testimonials of some of the brave "Survivors" who dared to go where only a few decided to tread. You'll hear from men and women who decided to attain glorious bragging rights to the horror interactive theater production that is Blackout. Some are hardcore veterans while others are semi new. But all are bizarrely addicted to the adrenaline rush of being the protagonist of their own horror movie.

Check back at midnight over the next few weeks as you hear from the brave souls who survived.

****************************************************************

"Being a Blackout veteran, calling "safety" is not an option. However, at last night's event, my limits were pushed beyond comprehension and I almost cracked. The ending felt like some twisted grand finale to a master plan that the creators orchestrated over the course of years and for a few brief moments I felt fooled by my trust for them and ultimately surrendered to my fate. All I could think about during those horrific final moments was that I had signed my name on the dotted line and had sealed my own fate. The last 5 minutes were a whirlwind which left me disheveled, disoriented, and jolted to the core. Then the next thing I knew, I was outside. I was safe...but I was not sound."

-WeeJee

"Blackout 2013 Off Season = Unparalleled suspense & anticipation; Mentally & physically challenging; Artistic & shocking. In other words, brilliant! Congrats again to the creative, cast & crew of Blackout, love your obedient servant..."

-Bailey Squared

"SECRET: the other night, I cheated on Blackout...with Blackout. And dreams do come true. So, it's taken me two days and a night of voyeurism to come to terms with what went down that rainy Tuesday night...the fog has lifted, and i'm still saying to myself, "what the hell just happened?" I fell in love with Blackout during Halloween 2009, and I never thought I'd relive that deep, dark feeling of doing it for the first time again. But what differentiates this latest off-season from any other Blackout event is that it culminates in a way that can never and will never be duplicated in any circumstance. Sure, you can replicate many of the sick and twisted scenes Blackout has become known for in the comfort of your own home. But THIS...this will go down in history as The Night I Will Never Forget, and I have Blackout to thank for it."

-Queen B for Bitch

****************************************************************

Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthrough

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Blackout Haunted House Off Season Winter Haunt Begins This Week

2013-01-28T13:00:00.002-05:00

If you blinked, you may have missed it. That's because Blackout Haunted House pulled a twisty twizzler and has decided to have their off season Spring haunt in the dead of a damn cold NYC winter. Here's what they sent over in an e-mail on Thursday.

we figured you couldn't wait for spring,
so the 2013 nyc off-season events will begin very soon.
unlike years past, this year's off-season will be open to anyone and everyone,
although a very limited number of tickets will be released.
this year's off-season will begin somewhere in the East Village.
the experience will take approximately 45 minutes per person and you must come alone.
you will receive the address the night before you begin.
we recommend you act fast and get your tickets as quickly as possible.
we'll send more information soon with a link to purchase tickets.
get ready because once it begins it will happen very fast.

do you want in this year? are you ready?

On Friday, at 4pm as I refreshed my e-mail, the Blackout Facebook page like a mad man with ADD, they sent over the link for tickets. There are only a few spots open so if you're in NYC, you can attend the off season haunt. Mind you, it's a bit pricey. At $135 but you do get the following:

One admission to the January NYC event
A Blackout t-shirt
A special pre-sale ticket offer for the Halloween

Per the Blackout Facebook page, it starts somewhere in the East Village in NYC. The exact address is given at midnight the day before you go. About 90 slots were up for grabs, now only a few remain. Well you've read all my reviews and walkthroughs. Dare to go to a 45 minute extreme theater interactive performance you won't forget?

Hell I've survived 2 Spring haunts and 3 Halloween ones and I still get fuckin nervous before I go. Expect a review and possible walkthrough after the run.

Let the games begin!

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2012

2013-01-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Well here it is...as always in the middle of January my Top Horror Movies of 2012! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year (yet again) I usually look at other bloggers and horror site's lists and watch the movies that I missed.

This year, there is no #11-20 list. I just didn't see that many movies this year. It was one of those years I just lacked on the horror movie watching as well as the blogging. My apologies for the low number of posts this year. I know many people use what I post here to see movies I recommend and what they missed. I promise I'll try to be better this year.

My list has few movies that have appeared on others but I do put a spin on the order. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

Though some of these movies came out in 2011, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2012 as coming out in 2012.

It's a mix of indie horror and theatrical releases but mostly indies.

I missed seeing some theatrical and indie horror movies but you have to rank what you saw so that's what I'm doing.

The top 10 films broken down by country: USA = 5, UK=2, Canada=1, Australia=1, Spain=1,

The 10 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and 1/2 spinkicks= 3, 3 spinkicks=4
There are a record 4 spinkick movies on this list!

A movie that had 4 spinkicks doesn't necessarily mean it was better.

To read the entire review of the film click on the title.

So what did 2012 offer us in the world of horror?

This list is dominated by independent horror films (again)

In a twist, there are no movies from the Pacific
Sequels and remakes dominated Hollywood yet again...and I'm fuckin bored of it.

Everybody has Cabin in the Woods on their lists.

The number one movie on my list is from the USA for the second straight year!!! (can you believe it???)

I take it some of picks will lead to WTF faces and "you're fuckin crazy". Isn't that the fun of these year end Top 10s? Let's get to the list! Here are some honorable mentions.

The Walking Dead (Season 3): Loved the first half of S3.
The Dead: Great African zombie film.
I missed a lot of great mainstream and indie horror films this year. I hope to get caught up soon.

OK now on to the list!

10.) V/H/S (3 spinkicks)

VHS somehow pulls off what amounts to a mega punch in the stomach. 5 segments, each directed by a film veteran are wrapped around a plot of a group of kids looking for a mysterious VHS tape in a seemingly creepy house. Though not all the shorts are great, each one is solid and creative enough to put you on the edge of your seat. The shaky cam will get you reaching for the Dramamine and the acting is highly questionable. Think Troma stiffboardines.
But aside from it's drawbacks (another being which short would anchor the ending) it delivers on a promise of being a "back to the roots" kind of underground horror. Splashes of monsters, home invasion, Paranormal Activity phenomenon are just a few of the things you'll see. But the overall theme seemed to be douchebags getting their comeuppance. We all like seeing drunk, horny, misogynistic miscreant fuck ups getting slaughtered by the obvious vixen in the bottle and VHS delivers just that.

VHS is a feel good throwback to an 80s style grindhouse. Gore and nudity, the staples of any horror breakfast are plentiful and wrapped around in stories that will make every horror fan smirk and applause with delight.

9.) [Rec] 3 Genesis (3 spinkicks)

Rec 3 is clearly the lull before the storm. I'm hoping Jaume Balaguero will go all out crazy with Rec Apocalypse to end this series on a good note. Most horror fans, bloggers and critics are caught in the middle with Rec 3 as it pulls into a totally different direction than the first 2. But you have to admit, from the traditional filmmaking and the POV mixed in and a wedding day that you won't soon forget it really does pack some line dancing hilarity and oozes kegs of blood.

I think the fun in Rec 3 is mixing those two together and somehow the series feels Rec-ish but has something new to offer. At 120 minutes, it's not like we had scenes of drawn out nothingness. Everything in Rec 3 is paced with some scares and funions, the acting is delightful and the gore and splatter are plentiful.

What's not to like? Thank goodness they didn't start dancing Gangnam Style. I would have just shut the movie off right then and there.

8.) Maniac (Remake 2012) (3 spinkicks)

Maniac is a far departure of the normal horror movies in the indie circuit. It's a brutal and relentless 90 minute first person point of view of a slasher doing slasher things. With it's POV gimmick, it clearly forces you to LOOK directly at the horrific kills without a cutaway. It's this forced perspective that during the course of the movie makes you in every way live the life of Frank, our intrepid killer. The horror he creates is far from playing a Call of Duty game. It's realistically sickening and oddly sympathetic as Elijah Wood's performance transcends the Joe Spinnell one in an American Psycho sorta way.

Once you get over the fact it's a remake that follows the originals story, the POV hitch, and that it takes place in Los Angeles (say what?) it is a unique piece of horror cinema. I was shocked by how it made me care about this misogynistic motherfucker, his past and his longing for companionship. From it's shocking opening to it's WTF ending, you can't ignore Maniac's rawness of bring a serial killer movie into a whole new level.

7.) Kill List (3 spinkicks)

On the surface, Kill List looks to be your standard five and dime crime thriller. Underworld goons doing their trade eliminating threats for $$. But as I thought about the film after watching it, you start seeing the layers underneath Kill List that enable you to see a movie that has more than meets the eye.

Kill List is a film that slowly burns you into a look into the life of a retired hit man and scopes out a world where his past, his present and his future all collide into an orgy of madness. It's an interesting journey seeing a drama, gore soaked slaughter and a Wicker Man-ish horror flick all blended into one. Sure there is a twist at the end and numerous unanswered questions which make you go WTF but it stills hit you harder than a hail of bullets.

What you'll get from Kill List is a character study of a soldier turned assassin who elects to try to live as a normal but it seems PTSD and pure conditioning to kill are not as easy to shut down when you get home. There is pure hell to pay for the sins of your past and it seems mysterious forces want have molded our hit man's world into their own.

Kill List is a solid flick that may seem like Pulp Fiction without the glitz and glamour. And for that it gets high marks for showing me a touch of all the genres I love from the UK.

6.) Excision (3 spinkicks)

In Excision, Richard Bates debut film based on his short, a coming of age story on a volcano of WTF. Delusional and dreamlike, Excision is suburban America macabre, weirdness with a smile and a bloody mouth. It feels American Mary-ish but less grown up. Which isn't really a bad thing. I would say it would be this years The Woman, where we see the suburban darkness in a Tim Burton like universe.

Excision is that little film that questions our American values and whether or not we can find happiness in who we are and whether or not we can do it while were a little bit crazy.

Underneath the prototypical family is a world we don't necessarily see. Everybody is a bit crazy, has dreams that would make the most alpha male cringe but we hide those feelings and those thoughts deep into the trenches of our brain.

Some people let it all out and show the world who they really are. So who's really normal huh?

5.) I Am A Ghost (4 spinkicks)

Mendoza's I Am a Ghost is a slow burn ghost story that channels all the suspense of Kubrick film and releases it's madness Ti West style. You have to admire a film that throwsback to a cinematic style of vintaginess and still delivers. Add the fact the entire movie is centrally focused on one character, Emily (Anna Ishida) and in one setting, an old Victorian house and it's a bit risky endeavor. But that's why indie horror is a frontier. You'll never know if it will work if you don't try right?

I Am a Ghost plays with the viewer, forcing a WTF in every brief but cryptic scene until it slowly lets you in on the secrets that plague our dear Emily. Like a non linear jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces begin to make sense as the picture progresses (the eggs!!!) and once you see the entirety of the film, it's quite a sight to behold. It's full of chilling moments, superb acting and a twizzer twist on the ghost genre.

Mendoza's story could easily draw comparisons to The Sixth Sense, The Others and The Innkeepers but that would be a disservice. What this film does is create a sense of dread, hopelessness and mystery and reveals a young woman's disturbing secret has not been eliminated in death. It's a journey through a photographic album of a life that was full of hardship and pain, where our instinctive nature to see a happy ending won't be answered. The very nature of the ghost story is that it is suppose to scare you. But here we are in a comforting role though the scares do come in a frenetic ending.

4.) John Dies at the End (3 spinkicks)

John Dies at the End is all that is great with indie horror cinema. It's full of wacky and memorable characters and every scene oozes more WTF from the last. It is Bill and Ted but for horror fans. The premise is so kooky, it's like you're seeing a mental patients wet dream. What JDATE does is really smack you with 80s horror ingenuity, spew out comedic literature a mile a minute while making sure you have no idea what's going to happen next.

It's really a fun horror comedy that is this year's Tucker and Dale. Dave and John (our main protagonists) are a dynamic duo who tackle apocalyptic evil in a most hilarious way possible. I had a feeling John Dies would be on my Top 10 list of 2012.

Once I finished seeing it, I knew exactly where to put it.

It's one of the best movies of 2012 as it hits all the right notes on how effective indie horror can be when you can take the source material and be faithful to the essence of why it's a cult classic. Yes John Dies will be the strangest horror movie you will see this year. But it's the drug you need to take.

3.) The Loved Ones (4 spinkicks)

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.

Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.

2.) American Mary (4 spinkicks)

American Mary is without a doubt one of the best movies of 2012. It is a dissection into the world of body modification that takes a wrong, dreadful turn for the worst. Full of long lasting scenes of female empowerment taken to the limits, it is by far the most powerful, stylized and slickest look into one woman's journey from hopeful optimism to a revenge served cold despotism. The Soska Sisters have created a horror film that is light years ahead of their previous effort. With American Mary, they give us a Joss Whedon like character study into Mary (Katharine Isabelle), who we will see grow up and find her place in the world after experiencing severe trauma.

Never have I seen a movie that delves into this subculture, treats it respectfully and slices in a perfect horror movie inside. I guarantee American Mary will etch it's way into cult status. It's perfect blend of sly black humor, absurd and eerie characters and torturous scenes of pain and agony that equal a milkshake of cult awesomeness.

Horror movies have just grown up in a big way thanks to American Mary.

And the #1 Horror Movie of 2012 is...........

1.) The Cabin in the Woods (4 spinkicks)

The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that. Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it.

Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter. It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

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OK, I know you fellow jaded viewers have your opinions and your own lists. So go ahead and let me know what your top 10 is and what other flicks I may have excluded. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2012 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2012 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.

The Jaded Viewer Related Linkage

The Loved Ones (Review)

2013-01-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Loved Ones

The Loved Ones (2012)

Directed by Sean Byrne

A standard horror movie runs about 90 minutes. When it runs 80 minutes you start to think "Well, it seems there were some budget concerns". But you can do a lot in 80 minutes and The Loved Ones does just that.

Released in 2009 in Australia, one can only wonder why this movie didn't get at least a theatrical release. Is it because Hollywood plans a remake? God knows they wouldn't have the balls to make it. Sean Byrne's debut film is filled with WTF moment after WTF moment, it's relentless and will make gorehounds ejaculate with glee (that's glee you perv). What it also does is pack some black humor into the mix, as the torture porn is packed with LOL bizarre moments. A "B" story also gives us some high school comedy like moments that eases our tension throughout the film.

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Poor Brent. He gets a case of those sad as his father dies in a car crash as Brent who was driving avoids a figure on the road. Months later, he has an overly concerned mom and a pretty hot girlfriend Holly. He also has a horndog best friend, likes Metallica and smokes weed.

Lola has not none of that. Just a crazy fucked up dad and some finger licking good chicken.

And so begins one of the best movies of 2012. Soon Lola's obsession for Brent has her having her own personal prom with Brent, her insane dad and zombiefied mom and something in the basement. It's not going to be good times for Brent as he's going to have to endure a Hostel torture endurance challenge that would make even Eli Roth squeal. In a parallel story, Brent's BFF Jaime goes to prom with Mia (a goth chick chopped full of attitude). It's this story that gives us breathers in between Brent's unfortunate events. As his girlfriend and the sheriff search for our missing final guy, it all leads to a punch in the stomach ending.

What The Loved Ones does so effectively is not take it self so seriously. It's a horror movie no doubt but the mood is a mix of 80s John Hughes high school melo-comedy if it were on bath salts. The movie is very tight. There are no scenes that seem unnecessary. Nobody goes and talks in wild tangent monologues. We get serious bang for our buck and the ride is so demented, so fucked up and so hilariously awesome you want to say why can't all horror movies be this good.

Describing The Loved Ones, you'd easily say it's about a demented wannabe prom queen who tortures her obsession. But in a way, it's got suspense thriller written all over it. In a way, it's kidnapping plot through and through where everybody is trying to figure out where the hell did Brent go? You want him to escape (and he does have his chances) and you want him to defend himself and somehow not get as badly damaged (but he totally gets badly fuckin damaged).

The performances are pretty dead on. Xavier Samuel plays a quiet, reserved but resilient Brent. At times he goes silent, showing the pain through serious squeamish inducing interrogation scenes. The father played by John Brumpton goes outback killer daddy. Skilled with experience on making people scream. But it's Robin McLeavy as Lola aka Princess who's decked out in a pink prom dress that steals the show. She plays the sadistic serial killer perfectly, blending in kid like happys with some black humor. Clearly insane, McLeavy does a fantastic job in bringing up fucked up bitch to a whole new level.

The Loved Ones does go into arduous scenes of Hostel territory. The slice and dice torture of Brent is masterfully executed. Armed with knives and a power drill, Lola executes her fucked up torture on a soundtrack of not being pretty enough. It's the little things that give you a glimpse of how Lola's world is like Leatherface family on steroids. Her mom has been zombified, she keeps a scrapbook of her best boy toys now dead and loves milk and chicken. It's well crafted to make you hate her so that by the end, you may want to clap at her demise.

Within here are skilled WTF moments, the craziest being what the fuck is in the basement. Also, just skilled playful scenes of a boy stuck in a tree. It's the balance of black LOL humor and horrific massacre of bodily harm that works. Because when we're not seeing Brent fucked up, we follow his BFF Jaime and his prom date Mia. It's this 80s comedy throwback of stoner boy with goth-tard chick doing teenager hi jinks that balances both story lines as we watch, then connects them at the end.

So you may ask who are the loved ones? Well it seems love comes in all form from what Byrne point of view. A father to a daughter, a mom/dad to a son, a girl to a boy, a crazy sicko girl to a boy. A boy to his dog. Clearly we must decide which relationship strikes a chord the most to us and realize love can be good or it can become the evilest thing you've ever seen.

Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.

Nude-ipedia

Some steamy car sex boobs

Gore-ipedia

Lots of moments Kathryn Bigelow would be proud of

WTF moment

Finding out what was in the basement

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Loved Ones is out on DVD. Check out the official site. I really do recommend this film. It's a perfect horror film that should not have been relegated to straight to DVD status when it hit American shores last year.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Excision (Review)

2013-01-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

Excision

Excision (2012)

Directed by Richard Bates Jr.

See the poster on the right? That's actress AnnaLynne McCord. She is extremely hot and beautiful. See the upside down picture of her? That's also her. What you'll get with Excision is more upside down brunette AnnaLynne rather than blonde AnnaLynne. And you know what?

It's that brunette "ugly" AnnLynne that makes Excision one hell of a fuckin movie.

McCord's complete transformation from one of the hottest young stars in Hollywood to an outcasted, odd and completely crazy Pauline is one of the best performances of the year. In Excision, Richard Bates debut film based on his short, a coming of age story on a volcano of WTF. Delusional and dreamlike, Excision is suburban America macabre, weirdness with a smile and a bloody mouth. It feels American Mary-ish but less grown up. Which isn't really a bad thing. I would say it would be this years The Woman, where we see the suburban darkness in a Tim Burton like universe.

It's truly one of the oddest and jaw dropping films I've seen and makes a case for a spot on my 2012 list. Weird vivid imagery, characters that are all red blooded 'Murica! and a lead character that goes against all that is normal in our very normal world.

Whatever I thought would happen, didn't. And for that I applauded.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A disturbed and delusional high school student with aspirations of a career in medicine goes to extremes to earn the approval of her controlling mother.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The movie starts off with delusions. Pauline's (AnnaLynne McCord) delusions can only mean she's a little more than fucked up. Bloody dreams full of corpses and unnecessary surgery are ones that can only mean one may be unhinged. She's a student with a overbearing mom (Traci Lords), a terminally ill sister and a sissy dad. Pauline is truly an ugly duckling....long uncombed hair, a few specks of acne and a wardrobe from the dollar store. Her personality is the very definition of "anti", questioning the authority of her teachers and priest. However, she is an independent woman, bent on making the people around her uncomfortable and making sure she gets what she wants.

The plot is more so a character study of Pauline. Her mom raises her in that pageant mom sorta way and as moms do make her do things she doesn't want. If there is a plot to Excision it's buried in the mundane tasks her mom wants Pauline to do. What you believe to be a movie where somehow an ugly duckling turns into a swan never goes into that territory and thank the horror gods for that. It never wavers in the fact that some people are comfortable in their own skin and no level of makeup, change in attire or weight loss will make one happy.

As we follow Pauline along, her main motivation is to survive the day, barely caring what people think of her but more so to become a surgeon to cure her sister. But how can one do that when you go against the current of all that is normal? This leads to an ending that is a reality to check to her and to all of us. A pure WTF moment at it's most raw.

McCord is downright unrecognizable as Pauline. If you Google her, you'll see an actress that barely resembles Pauline. I really do admire an actress who's willing to not rely on her looks, done some serious ugly prosthetics and give a performance that goes beyond what we think they can do. Here McCord is fantastic, her monologues against religion and than praying to God are superb. As you watch her performance, you only see Pauline a distraught teenager with some serious case of mental issues. It was amazing to see her stripped of beauty and act as this quirky know it all.

Lords also gives quite a performance as the toddler and tiara mom. Who knew an underage pornstar from the 80s could actually give a performance like this?

The seductive feeling of Excision is that you want to root for Pauline, as we the viewer usually root for the outsider. We tend to think we're all outsiders and not one of the Hollister and Amber and Crombie clone zombies. The fact she alienates everybody around her makes her more appealing. Though we all seem to think she'll eventually fit in by metamorphasizing into one of the clones, like one of those cheesy 80s teenage rom coms...she doesn't.

Bates seems to want you to be uncomfortable and like Pauline even though she does despicable things. She's "ugly", she's non compliant and she's independent. How can we like somebody like that? But somehow I did like her. I haven't seen a character like that since Lucky McKee's May. Many movies have tried this (and you'll see it in the Carrie remake for sure). It's a hard to make somebody care for somebody that crazy.

The film is not perfect though. We've seen some of that Excision "formula" of outcast vs The Cleavers before and it rehashes things in a few films I've seen before. The focus is a bit disjointed as Pauline clashes with her family, her school and her classmates. Nothing is really gained by these entanglements except getting to see how strange and fucked up Pauline is. And in a nutshell, like I said before, there really is no plot in this. There is nothing really significant that's happening to Pauline that is remotely interesting. Like I said, it's just a day in the life of....

With that said, can somebody who's everything society has taught us is not beautiful be somebody we can care about? That's where this movie will be a hit or miss with viewers. If you dig Pauline, you'll see that the American cookie cutter society is the source of the unhappy. If you don't, your more inclined for her to conform. It's a black comedy that makes you feel awkward because you may see YOU as the type of character onscreen. Pauline's witty comebacks and contradictions will make you laugh, but oddly make you think as well.

Excision is that little film that questions our American values and whether or not we can find happiness in who we are and whether or not we can do it while were a little bit crazy. Underneath the prototypical family is a world we don't necessarily see. Everybody is a bit crazy, has dreams that would make the most alpha male cringe but we hide those feelings and those thoughts deep into the trenches of our brain.

Some people let it all out and show the world who they really are. So who's really normal huh?

Nude-ipedia

Weird dreams by Pauline means naked women for us!

Gore-ipedia

Some blood that your tween brother can handle

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Excision is out on Blu Ray and DVD. Check out the official site and Facebook page. It's a soon to be cult classic, waiting to be discovered by some curious movie fan and hopefully embraced by the horror community. It's worth a look to see why Excision is curiously on some Best of 2012 lists.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

The Best Elephants and OMG! Movies of 2012

2013-01-14T13:00:00.002-05:00

Before I post my top 10 horror movies (yes it's coming soon), I wanted to go over the other movies (yes I saw other non horror flicks) that I thought were super duper awesome this year. From the box office Hollywood juggernauts to the indie spectaculars, these stood out like no other (plus there the only ones I saw).

I still can't believe I haven't seen Looper yet.

"Box Office Elephants"

1.) Django Unchained: Yummy Tarantino is pure filmmaking at its best

2.) The Dark Knight Rises: Very epic conclusion to the trilogy.

3.) End of Watch: It's the anti Training Day because it's pro cops. You need to see this flick because it takes buddy cop vs gangsta flicks to a whole new level of aweome,

4.) Marvel's The Avengers: Whedon is my Master now.

5.) 21 Jump Street: Having not seen Ted yet, this was pretty damn funny.

"OMG! Movies"

1.) The Raid: Redemption: Best action movie of 2012. Nuff said.

2.) Expendables 2: Glad to see JCVD back in the theaters.

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What non horror movies did you think were the best of 2012? Let me know!

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2012

2013-01-10T21:30:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2012 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm unlucky and see some utter crap. The only salvation in seeing horrible movies is they turn into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies me and my fellow writers saw that made smash a few walls with my head....yet again

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"Recycled’ doesn’t necessarily resign a movie to a fate of suckage. When you’re playing to human fear, there are only so many threads to explore. Filmmakers in the genre build on and borrow from each other almost as a rule. But you’d better add something original to make it stick in people’s heads if you’re going that route. The fact that one of the hillbillies vaguely resembles Willie Nelson is not enough for me."

from Special K's review of Savage County

"In the end Kidnapped will shock the shit out of you (that ending will stick in your mind like a splinter) but says nothing of why violence fascinates us. Kidnapped is awesome style, but little substance and stands on the lower ladder of the home invasion genre. It's also why I disliked The Strangers so much. I need more than "Because you were home"."

from Kidnapped review

"Alien movies, even when done well, are not typically the subgenre I reach for first. Plus, I tend toward thinking that any film with the word ‘Ferocious’ in the title is bound to be lame. But you can't judge a film by it's cover right?

Okay... maybe you can."

from Special K's review of Ferocious Planet

"Today we get shit like The Summer of Massacre. A movie whose sole premise is that it holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the Highest Body Count in a slasher film at 155. To get this record it fills 1 hour and 37 minutes with HORRIBLY BAD CGI KILLS. And I don't mean these were Romero like CGI, I mean this is MS Paint bad CGI. It's the equivalent of super transposed 16 bit Genesis graphics on top of the movie. Atari had better graphics than this film."

from The Summer of Massacre review

"If you want to see Aussie Suicide girls battle sea monsters, this will be your favorite movie. I liked the eye candy and the fairly cheesy monster mash gore. But clearly it's the same as watching a Skinemax action movie. Pick your poison."

from El monstro del mar! review

10.) The movie cop ineptness is a thankless job. It's hard to this stupid.

from Scream 4 WTF List

"Yes fellow jaded viewers, it's called "A Fall from Grace". And it's so horribly bad that it's fuckin awesome. It makes The Room look like Citizen Kane. It makes Birdemic look like The Birds. This short has elements of all that is perfect in this millennial age. It's vintage 90s (or it maybe circa early 2000s I actually have no idea so I'm gonna say late 90s), its made my college film students and it utilizes the now archaic Internet communication of the time (it's AOL Instant Messenger!)."

from a co-worker's short called A Fall from Grace

"When you do an ensemble, you should have 1-2 main antagonists, a comic relief guy, some eye candy and a WTF guy. Elevator has them all but none do a decent job at...well their jobs."

from Elevator review

"The ending was weaker than Mike's Hard Lemonade"

from Gut review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

John Dies at the End (Review)

2013-01-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

John Dies at the End

John Dies at the End (2012)

Directed by Don Coscarelli

Living in NYC has its perks when it comes to premiere screenings. In this case, courtesy of Bloody Disgusting I got to go to the NYC premiere of John Dies at the End, the new film from Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep director Don Coscarelli. The awesome perk was Coscarelli and Exective Producer Paul Giamatti were in attendance and did a Q&A after the screening. Now that's awesome sauce for a random weekday.

I've been hyped to see JDATE as it's been hyped since its festival run. But now out on demand, to see it on the big screen with pure horror fans is the only way to see it. So what can I say about this cult book that is now a cult movie?

John Dies at the End is all that is great with indie horror cinema. It's full of wacky and memorable characters and every scene oozes more WTF from the last. It is Bill and Ted but for horror fans. The premise is so kooky, it's like you're seeing a mental patients wet dream. What JDATE does is really smack you with 80s horror ingenuity, spew out comedic literature a mile a minute while making sure you have no idea what's going to happen next.

It's really a fun horror comedy that is this year's Tucker and Dale. Dave and John (our main protagonists) are a dynamic duo who tackle apocalyptic evil in a most hilarious way possible. I had a feeling John Dies would be on my Top 10 list of 2012.

Once I finished seeing it, I knew exactly where to put it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return as no longer human. Can two college dropouts save humankind from this silent, otherworldly invasion?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

You really do have to be in the right frame of mind to see a Don Coscarelli movie. You have to expect the zany, the weird and the unexpected. And what it equals is the same as going through a car wash for your brain. It's gonna be a soapy mess but it's going to make sense at the end.

We meet David Wong, our intrepid know it all noob psychic who wants to tell his somewhat tall tale to Arnie, a reporter as skeptical like the rest of us. Seems Dave has experienced a crazy adventure with his friend John (who according to the title, seems to die at the end). As Dave does his slacker thing, he meets a spooky Jamaican, a handless cute girl and soon accidentally gets hit with the "soy sauce", a drug that fucks shit up for him and John. Aided by a TV psychic Marconi and questioned then evading the cops, Dave and John go into the realm of the surreal and one can only wonder what the fuck is actually going on?

John Dies actually is linear if you can believe it. But it's pretty bizarre as wacky shit happens to both Dave...and Dave and well it seems crazy shit always happens to Dave. Once they're both "sauced" it's clearly smack in the head crazy. Going in Evil Dead Raimi-ish territory, evil creatures lurk for Dave to battle, though guarded in a Force like way by John. The visuals are seemingly like a lucid dream, jam packed with moments that are hilarious and had me LOL-ing.

Chase Williamson (Dave) and Rob Mayes (John) are relatively unknown actors and they play buddies perfectly. Throw in a host of "That Guy!" actors and Paul Giamatti, it's an acting bonanza that has some straight and zig zag moments. The dialogue including a voice over narration is chock full of Buffy like dialogue, an homage to the book (which I've never read but will now) written by "David Wong" who is actually Jason Pargin a Senior Editor at Cracked.com. As a reader of Cracked.com, the dialogue reminds me of one of their list articles, full of pop culture references and tangent weirdness.

The movie is one long acid trip for Dave and as he has to investigate this horror X-File, find his friend John and battle the upcoming evil from another dimension. Picture Dave, talking into a bratwurst on a roll, to his friend...John who died earlier. Make sense? Well it does as you watch along.

Full of memorable side characters, decent non CGI effects and a meat monster, I write this chuckling to myself because even though it sounds cheesy, the damn film works on so many levels. It's a horror comedy and it made me laugh for its 99 minute run time and that's pretty much how effective it was. In a sense, John Dies was my soy sauce, and for a few hours, I was higher than a man in a space suit about to jump from the stratosphere.

It's only drawback is it won't hook the mainstream. It's so out there that even the younglings of today will be confused. Also, though the evil is a little on the SyFy-ish level and on that note, whatever was written in the book is probably unfilmmable. I'll have to read the book to be sure. I'm pretty sure choice cuts were needed to make a comprehensible movie.

It's one of the best movies of 2012 as it hits all the right notes on how effective indie horror can be when you can take the source material and be faithful to the essence of why it's a cult classic. Yes John Dies will be the strangest horror movie you will see this year. But it's the drug you need to take.

Shit, it's legal in all 48, including Hawaii and Alaska I think. Say Yes to JDATE.

Nude-ipedia

An alternate universe full of topless minions

Gore-ipedia

Entrails and gore and all things not nice
Blood and guts all done funny

WTF moment

The entire fuckin movie

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

John Dies at the End is out now. It comes to theaters Jan 25th.

iTunes: http://bit.ly/TzJpTB
Amazon: http://amzn.to/U2D2EK
On Demand: http://on.fb.me/VfAMJ2

If you want to see an awesome horror comedy that's not Cabin in the Woods, this be it.

The Vitals

Rating:
1/2
Check out the trailer.

Django Unchained (Review)

2013-01-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Django Unchained

Django Unchained (2012)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

Movies these days are not events. We see a flick and for 90 or so minutes we're entertained. But for some of us who grew up on Quentin Tarantino films, it's a little bit different. I saw Pulp Fiction in the theater. And then all his successive films were must see in the theater.

So when Django Unchained came calling, I was buzzed and hyped. And I know why.

Because nobody can craft a film like he can.

Django Unchained whisks you into a world where HIS characters, his conversations, his heroes and villains are like no other. He can give you a blood bath in one scene and a serious satirical take on the horrible history of this country. I posted a 5 Movies You Need To See Before You Watch Django Unchained. It's a good list but nothing can compare to the movie itself. It's a fantastic homage to the spaghetti westerns we've all seen though I wouldn't call myself an expert. Insano Steve luckily was and appreciated the cliches. Extreme closeups, nice exterior shots, men on horseback riding into the sunset. We get them all in Django and in a world of CGI -fests, seeing a movie BE a movie pre-technology is refreshing.

Some said a spoof on slavery is blasphemy or that tackling a revenge thriller with slavery somehow insults the past (ahem Spike). But here's the thing. The mass of jabronis won't see Lincoln or some history biopic about the past. Something has to hook them. When you want to talk about something serious, something important about the past or how the world is, you need to roll it up in some fuckin awesome salsa (see Serbian Film). That's what Django does. It shows the horror of slavery but puts some hot sauce in it. And in a way it works.

Masses of people saw Django. In the theater I was in some black people were so distraught they walked out. I'm not sure what they thought they were going to see but fuck, I mean it's Tarantino slavery revenge epic, what did you think this was? In another ironic twist, outside the theater a black girl was being arrested by a seemingly all white NYPD. I thought Django would ride into the middle of Times Square to exact some revenge-o-mundo.

I won't rehash plot here as you probably know the story by now. What I will say is the the scenes of slavery are pretty horrific (though they are tame in comparison to Goodbye Uncle Tom's). It's a backdrop to Jamie Foxx who as Django clearly vibes of revenge incarnate. As King Schultz (Christoph Waltz in a stellar performance) guiding our bounty hunter to be, they become the awesome duo bring back memories of Jules and Vincent. In one scene during dinner, Django so close to his wife tenses up as Calvin Candie spews out his racist dialogue and window shops his "property". It's suspenseful, full of anguish for both the character and viewer that both are in pain. It's scenes like this that are pure Tarantino.

What the younglings don't understand is that QT intentionally writes these scenes out. Like the aftermath in Reservoir Dogs, QT doesn't have you go straight to Candyland. No No. He has Django and Schultz ride up with Candie and crafts scenes of horror so you understand the disgusting plight of how the black man was treated in the 1800s. And so Calvin Candie becomes an evil you have never seen. Leonardo DiCaprio is unbelievably magnificent giving off a wickedness one can expect from every performance. Seeing DiCaprio play a villain is such a change of pace, I can see why he wanted to be part of this film.

Also, like in Inglorious Basterds, villains come in many forms. Who we perceive as the ultimate villain is just a red herring to seeing the person we really should hate. With IB, it was Hitler as the face of evil but by the end we see it's Hans Landa being the focus. In Django Unchained, Candie is plastered all over the trailer and poster but we begin to see Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is the man that has more to lose than Candie. Even Candie begins to adapt, recognizing Django as a unique and "intriguing" free man, being even open to allowing him to question his motives. But Stephen, as a house slave does not want the status quo to change. In a hilarious scene he questions who fuck this [insert N word here] is riding this horse. He has power and does not want to share it. Who is more evil in this twisted world?

And then after we've monologued with some brilliant conversations and dialogue, QT gives us a fucked up bloodbath on a massive scale. Bounty hunting like a motherfucker. Whips, shotguns and pure relentless Smith and Wesson shootouts. It's the Southern blood bath every body had hoped for. Even QT's cameo came with a shocking ending.

Add in the ridiculous cameos (yeah we saw you Mr. Hill) and hilarious wardrobe selection by our freed Django and the goofy one liners, it all ads up to a magnificent, breathtaking film that is a cult classic for the masses and critics alike.

Django Unchained is loads of fun. Quentin Tarantino is the original master of the revenge epic (sorry Chan Wook Park)and he is the genius we deserve and the one we need right now. When a QT film releases, it's an event. What we need to appreciate is that these events may be a long time coming but we need to see them for what they are.

An original movie wrapped up in an amalgamation of genres, with a side of satire with some damn hot sriracha sauce. Now that's fuckin yummy.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.

[Rec] 3 Genesis (Review)

2012-12-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

[Rec] 3 Genesis

[Rec] 3 Genesis (2012)

Directed by Paco Plaza

Talk about a knight in shining armor and a chainsaw wedding.

Welcome to Rec 3.

I've watched the Rec series and oddly enough I've reviewed the first 2 flicks differently. Rec I gave 2 spinkicks while I gave Rec 2 3 spinkicks. With Rec 3, I'll admit the trailer had me intrigued. Zombie virus walker chaos at a wedding? Sounds like fun. And that's what Rec 3 Genesis is. Cliched, over the top splatterfest comedic fun, nothing more, nothing less.

The fact that Paco Plaza and Jaume Balaguero have split directorial duties is interesting here. With Plaza's entry we get a some gore soaked splattery AND ridiculousness that is far from the world of the serious horror of the first two. The fact that it is different and has a more horror-omedy tone is refreshing. The one thing you don't want in your series is to NOT be repetitive (See Saw). I'm pretty sure Rec was turning into the Spanish equivalent of that and I'm glad Plaza goes into some chaotic horror funnies.

But it's still cliched, generic and nothing new to the infected corpse genre. It also adds a new explanation to the mythos which I kinda didn't care for. But what I did love was a movie that utilized the shaky cam, cinema verite, 1st person POV in a way that felt natural and in the big twist of Rec 3, Plaza goes back to showing us a movie in a traditional way. Put away those barf bags.

Rec 3 Genesis is a movie refreshing enough to spike the reception's punch bowl but sometimes you want the hard stuff. It's a delicate balance that plays off in a way where at the end of the day you want to be entertained and it does just that.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A couple's wedding day turns into a horrific events as some of the guests start showing signs of a strange illness.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As I always do, let's start off with what the formula for shot on video, POV horror films.

1.) The camera "person" films everything
2.) His friends become part of the video
3.) Something sinister starts to scare them
4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

1.) The camera "person" films everything

It may be the longest opening scene before the credits but at 20 minutes and the climactic shit hitting the fan, it really does set up. We see Koldo (our groom) and Clara (the bride) go through their nuptials before they head off to their reception with their families. Various characters are introduced from both respective families but drunk uncle is taken to a a whole new level and all hell breaks loose.

Koldo's cousin records everything with his HD cam while a Guillermo del Toro lookalike (from Filmmax, a hidden joke) is the videographer. As the couple splits up amid the chaos we're left with a rag tag group including "Royalties" a guest who records songs that break copyrights.

2.) His friends become part of the video

With their friends and families fleeing from the carnage, we meet a variety of Koldo's and Clara's friends but not for long. It's fun to see the douchebaggy friends, Clara's French slut friend and grandparents. We don't get to know them that well but long enough to see who starts to be the people we really should applaud when they get decapitated.

3.) Something sinister starts to scare them

Well scare wouldn't be exactly what they're doing. More like chasing after the guests like they're turkeys on legs. Mass chaos and pure splatter moments are had as necks are ripped, heads are chainsawed, swords get squishy into various body parts and all sorts of mayhem ensues.

They're are some hilarious moments as Koldo goes into knight in shining armor mode literally. He dons a Ezio Auditore outfit and does his best Assassins Creed impression. Our bride makes chainsaws sexy and does some carving of her own.

Somewhere in the movie, priests utter Bible verses and it seems the infected are more religious than we first imagined. It's these religious overtones that play a big part in the escape. I'm not sure why Plaza added this in, but I felt like it didn't really work. We got hints of it in the first 2 Recs but it was full blown here and the mystery of the infected seem to disappear.

But clearly the fun is in the reunion between man and wife and Koldo and Clara kick ass as you know, love conquers all....

4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

Which leads us to a helluva ending. I'm not going to say anything about it but it's pretty shocking and crazy WTF moment.

***********************************************

Rec 3 is clearly the lull before the storm. I'm hoping Jaume Balaguero will go all out crazy with Rec Apocalypse to end this series on a good note. Most horror fans, bloggers and critics are caught in the middle with Rec 3 as it pulls into a totally different direction than the first 2. But you have to admit, from the traditional filmmaking and the POV mixed in and a wedding day that you won't soon forget it really does pack some line dancing hilarity and oozes kegs of blood.

I think the fun in Rec 3 is mixing those two together and somehow the series feels Rec-ish but has something new to offer. At 120 minutes, it's not like we had scenes of drawn out nothingness. Everything in Rec 3 is paced with some scares and funions, the acting is delightful and the gore and splatter are plentiful.

What's not to like? Thank goodness they didn't start dancing Gangnam Style. I would have just shut the movie off right then and there.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I got the jokes, the kills were solid and I may mimic that wedding one day. Thanks Rec 3.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.

Gut (Review)

2012-12-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

Gut

Gut (2012)

Directed by Elias

If you tease me a movie about the snuff film, it's an urban legend that gets me curious. When you make an intriguing trailer, you've sucked me in.

But when you make a film that doesn't live up to any of that, well you've just pulled off a cruel joke. With Gut, the premise makes it seem we'll see The Ring meets August Underground. But somehow it's a slow burn psychological film instead, which didn't really resonate with all the bells and whistles of what a snuff film could be.

Clearly it's trying something different and being an indie horror film you'd expect a creative approach to the subject. But somehow there isn't much really going on. It's your standard everyday salaryman and his goofy friend stumbling on snuff and going down a rabbit hole of friendship damage and impending doom. Dudes work, eat, fuck (err.. with their significant others) and watch snuff. All ends as it should. With me being bored as all fuck.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Family man Tom has seen something he can't forget, a mysterious video with an ugly secret that soon spreads into his daily life and threatens to dismantle everything around him.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It seems the universal consensus by my fellow reviewers is this is a psychological horror kick. OK I could see glimpses of that in Gut. However, slow burn scenes of repetitive nonsense are not a way to go. Tom is a husband and father who with this wife Lily and daughter Katie lives the suburban life of work and play. Clearly this has sucked the life out of him so his BFF Dan (a horror freak) seemingly injects some crazy into his life in the form of a video he receives via the underground web of IRC chat rooms.

The video consisting of a woman's stomach being sliced open is mesmerizing to the duo and they soon get hooked. It infiltrates their lives from work, to their relationships and to their friendship. Soon the movies become more personal and people die. Sorry that's the best summary I could do.

First let me say that the special effects are pretty solid. All looks wickedly non CGI-ish and is creepy snuff from the other pseudo snuff films I've seen. Add in the fact we get our standard share of boobs, that's one for Team Boobage. But somehow we get Tom's naked Shamus like pasty white ass in every random sex scene. It's the most awkward sex scenes I've seen bordering on those old Skinemax parodies of horror films.

Add in the fact that most shots are dialogue-less scenes of Tom and Dan staring aimlessly with their concerned faces, slow burn is given a new meaning. I can take long drawn out scenes that go on endlessly, but usually these end in a POW! fashion (See Ti West). Gut draws out that the snuff is affecting Tom but fillers everything with scenes of absolute Seinfeld-esque nothing. Bored out of mind, I was truly tempted to fast forward.

If this is a psychological thriller about the loneliness of both sides of the equation (married couple vs single guy) it does neither to amp up the tension. I started to realize if this is something about something I missed the point. There are no real scares, no real scenes that made me "Oh Shit!" and nothing that made me think. I'm not sure what everybody else saw but clearly I'm in the minority here.

Tom slowly loses control but there never seems to be a on the doorstep evil that might be on it's way. If this was intentional, then I think Elias missed a perfect opportunity to explore the evil that may be where we don't expect.The risks Elias takes on this direction of the snuff urban legend is weak at best. You have so many levels to work on and it seems he didn't even scratch the purpose.

But in the end, I needed the movie to give me something that I could take away. And all I got was a punch in the gut. A very weak one at that.

Nude-ipedia

Lots of cute boobs

Gore-ipedia

Slice and dice

Punch to the face trauma

WTF moment

The ending was weaker than Mike's Hard Lemonade

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

At least I marked this off my indie horror screener pile. Gut is clearly different but didn't accomplish what I was looking for. Maybe I expected more, but I really should have expected less.

Here is the official site and Facebook page.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Eli Roth's Goretorium (Review)

2012-12-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

My travels took me to Las Vegas recently and aside from a big fight I attended and being a degenerate gambler I was able to check out the most talked about haunted house besides the one named Blackout. Eli Roth's Goretorium opened up on the Las Vegas strip in October and the premiere was as what you would expect. A who's who of stardom ranging from Roth's horror buddies to Justin Bieber. But what makes Goretorium different than a funhouse only in October is that it's year round attraction hoping to get the tourist dollar and Vegas horror fans to get their scare on.

Oddly located on the 2nd floor of mini mall, you can't help not notice the Goretorium as you walk from casino to casino on the strip. A bar is on the ready near the entrance and a horror soaked Christmas tree is ready for you to take some possible dead Santa pics. The gift shop is accessible to the masses and it's a mess of wicked Hostel themed props and propaganda. Limbs, legs, oddities and branded shot glasses are souveniers you can walk away with but the haunted house was on my radar from the start.

Clearly I should have had some liquid coverage before I went in as it would have added more to the horror high of attending a haunted house in December. As expected, there was not much of a line or crowd outside the entrance and I figured there wouldn't as people were more in a Xmas mood then a horror mood. But having met my PR contact Alex and a GM Matt, we talked briefly about what was to come. It seems I'd have to go through the HH with only Alex by my side. I should have arranged for some company but part of me wanted to have the Goretorium all to myself.

As we walked on through the entrance, it seems I had company after all in the form of a man obsessed with his phone. A bellhop explains the horrific history of a hotel and a rickety elevator starts our journey in. A fun gimmick of the evils of texting while attending a haunted house caught me off guard and I'll say it's a twist that could only come out of the mind of Eli Roth.

Roth had created a Hostel mini haunted maze for Universal Studios Haunted Horror Nights last year but Goretorium is clearly the uber amalgamation of Hostels 1 and 2 and a few more torture devices that were left on the cutting room floor. The rooms are full of the most elaborately constructed horror sets I've ever seen, equivalent to a "hot" horror set. I walked slowly from room to room hoping to take it all in and the fact nobody was in front or back of me made it 10 times better. Simple illusions were taken up a notch such as a decapitated woman's head being lifted and a torture device involving a wooden grinder machine activated by me seemingly showing a man get grounded into pieces. Lots of old school effects had me doing double takes and I'll admit, I was dumbfounded trying to figure out how these were all pulled off.

The actors who I had thought would not give any energy in their performances were actually quite at the top of their game. They interacted with me to the fullest extent, answering my questions directly, and redirecting my sarcastic remarks with some of their own. This was amplified when I met a sarcastic bartender who kept spewing out dirty drink names with various combinations. As I pushed him to keep going, he was a Wikipedia of answers giving me Long Island Tea Baggers and such. It's the type of humor that breaks the monotony of jump scares.

The rooms were quite Hollywood-tastic. Animatronics are at a minimal and the CGI is useful where it should be. Chainsaws, body parts and all hub of torture devices are on display to get you to piss in your pants. Various women and men are in all sorts of levels of being eaten, killed and exterminated. This all climaxes at Vegas style wedding set in a chapel and reception. Walking through the aisle, I see a bride and groom on the cusp of saying their vows with a preacher when all hell breaks loose. Suffice it to say I was sprayed with some bloody arterial spraying. The reception was an orgy of zombie like actors feasting on wedding guests. The food covered in CGI maggots and it clearly was a satisfying climax to a haunted house that lasts about 20-25 minutes.

Aside from the HH, there is a great bar called the Baby Dolls Lounge that gives an awesome view of the strip. The drink specials all have horror themes such as Eli Roth's blood which I tried out. There is nothing like ending a haunted house acid trip with some yummy alcoholic beverages.

All in all, I'd have to say I had a fun time checking out the Goretorium. Roth and CEO Robert Frey have a pure home in Vegas and with an agenda of changing themes (be it Christmas, New Years and Valentine's Day) it seems it will be a main stay for years to come. It's quite a challenge to be a year round horror themed attraction but Vegas could use some fear and scares along with their magic acts and death defying circus attractions.

With Roth's horror intellect, they have created a movie studio equivalent of visiting the sets that made Hostel memorable. If gore, torture and mind baffling effects are your idea of fun, the Goretorium is a must see. The actors I was told are true fans of the genre, who want to amplify the thrills and chills for every brave tourist who enters. From the macabre, to the freaks and geeks, to the horror fan everyman, Eli Roth's Goretorium caters to a variety of horror fandom. It's a gorehound's wet dream come to life, something Eli Roth probably had in mind.

The Vitals

The official site
Like Eli Roth's Goretorium on Facebook
Follow on Twitter
Eli Roth's Goretorium is located on the Northeast corner of HARMON and LAS VEGAS BLVD.
3717 Las Vegas Blvd. South on the second level
Tickets are $29.95.
For more photos of Goretorium, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page.
Special Thanks to the Alex and the management team for making me welcome and for an awesome time!

Check out the trailer.