The Jay Park FAIL BLOG

TOO MUCH $$$$$$$ FAIL.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 01:05:01 -0500

THINGS PRICED HIGHER THAN $11.99:

A pack of women’s shaving cartidges. ($17.99)
A stupid movie with a stupid title. ($14.99)
(Well, to be fair, $11.99 is worth more than the debut of Taylor Lautner’s abs: $9.99)
A Yankee candle. Seriously, it’s a candle. ($24.99)
Lana Del Ray’s album. Ouch. ($11.99, 2 fewer songs)
48-pack of Preparation H. Smooth shit, literally. ($17.86)
12-pack of VOSS water. I don’t understand expensive water. ($17.80)
Kim Kardashian’s perfume. Because every girl dreams of smelling like a true American success story: making money off publicizing a sex tape and a 72-day marriage. ($27.49)

DEAR JAY PARK:

I have $10.92 left on my iTunes account.

I demand that you take more of my money.

$11.99 is an insult.

DEAR READERS OF JAYPARKFAILBLOG (if there are any left):

Please buy Jay Park’s album.

Seriously, what other useless shit are you going to spend $11.99 on?

Love,

JAYPARKFAILBLOG

P.S.1 HieveryoneIknowI’vebeengonealongtimelifeandstuffyouknow. Will try to provide a couple lulz in the coming days to celebrate ~~the ridiculously bangin girl in Jay’s MV~~ Jay’s comeback.

P.S.2 I MEAN IT! BUY IT!! Sexy times, drunksies times, rockin out times, album has it all.

MISPLACED ASS-ETS FAIL. ♥

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 02:20:00 -0500

Today, I was alarmed to read the following announcement from @JAYBUMAOM:

Out of my deep concern, I decided to make a flyer to facilitate the speedy recovery of of Mr. Park’s derriere. Please help in the search effort!

Much thanks to @JWalker_MISHBUM for the very helpful picture of Jay’s posterior! (Although, I’m not sure if announcing to the world you provided a picture of a butt is the best way to express my gratitude…)

You seem 22

Btw, I think your blog is fantastic. It's such a fun combination of news and sarcasm ~

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 23:41:13 -0500

Woohoo! 22 is a multiple of 11. I’ve always liked multiples of 11.

Thank you for your kind words. However, I think we’re in a ton of trouble if people consider my blog news… taking into consideration the last… 3 posts I made. (Or almost all of them.) But I appreciate it! You (and everyone else) are all awesome. <3

INTER-SPECIES(?) MATING FAIL. ♥

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 23:32:00 -0500

If the Michelin Man and Optimus Prime had a Korean baby…

It would look like Jay at the end of the new dENiZEN video.

I can just picture Jayzilla wreaking havoc on the streets of Seoul…

How old are you??

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 22:52:10 -0500

126 and a fourth. I’m quite the hip granny, no? How old do I seem? :D

MORE S&M FAIL. ♥

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 22:34:00 -0500

Sorry, I just realized these posts maybe be a little age inappropriate. SO IF YOU’RE YOUNGER THAN… 15? 16? GO AWAY. <3 (Not like you will, but at least I tried haha.)

This appeared in my feed just as I uploaded the last post. So perfectly timed.

Below, Jay Park models his very manly dominatrix boots as he spreads himself out over the sofa, gazing lustfully off to the side and waiting. He appears well-prepared for his session with @Traphik as evidenced by his well-padded clothing and um… skateboard.

S&M FAIL. ♥

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 22:07:17 -0500

It seems that our Jay is rather… easy. And awfully eager to please.

BUT REMEMBER, JAY. LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL THING. LOVE-MAKING AND ALL OF IT’S ASSOCIATED ACTS SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL AND NOT RUSHED. IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO SAY NO (or yes). YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE. *coughAtemplethatthousandsofgirlsgladlyworshipcough*

/end sex talk PSA

The real question: Is Timothy (AKA @Traphik) the most idiotic or smartest person alive in turning down Jay’s offer?

PUTRID DRYER FAIL. ♥ Dear Jay, I have some random comments and...

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 01:58:00 -0500

PUTRID DRYER FAIL. ♥

Dear Jay,

I have some random comments and questions for you:

What qualifies as “pubescent boy hair” exactly? (And I’d be careful if you’re talking about Junior’s facial hair. Your face is almost more hairless than a baby’s bottom.)
Jay, please define the term “racist”. (0:27)
…Koala Lumper? …Cool Alllah lump her? …Oompa loompa? Doomp-a-dee-doo. (0:57)
Pewter JAI HO? Pee-yoo, dry her? PUTRID DRYER! (1:08) Damn, someone’s gotta forgo the L in GTL.
Apparently you once again failed with dates when announcing the Indonesian fanmeet. BUT! You caught himself this time! Congrats! Cutting and pasting an edited clip in of a very emphatic “DECEMBER 6TH!” with dramatic hand gesticulations and all. But for whatever reason, you still felt the need to have the already-recorded clip playing in the background to get the date right? Fail.
Very classic Jay: one ear tucked in his cap and the other one sticking out.
I took a full moment to marvel at his very epic hat at 2:21.
You make some epic facial expressions while singing the cover. Seriously. Mute and watch. And insert your own dialogue. It’s a fun exercise.
Can you (or someone else) enlighten me as to who you’re trying to imitate at 3:58?
Wardrobe change much? Jenny From The Block would be proud.
NO JAY. YOU FAIL. WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS.

Love,

THE JAY PARK FAIL BLOG

FACIAL FOLLICULAR FAIL. ♥

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 00:43:00 -0400

Behold, the man with the baby soft skin and infamous inability to grow significant facial hair…

…sporting an unidentifiable furry animal on his face?

…

Not gonna lie. I want to pet it. And then call an animal shelter.

Also, I thought this was pretty great:

(via lblvjp)

I really want Pringles now.

FAN PROPOSITIONING... FAIL? ♥

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 23:59:27 -0400

A seemingly friendly Halloween message to his fans with a little more 2011 teasing…

…

Then BAM! bb brings out the DIRRTY talk. With saucy wink. Yow. *fans self*

Trust me, buddy. There are no shortage of girls who would object to you taking them down. And showing them exactly what you’re “all about”. ^_~

(For those clueless, please refer to the following video, beginning at ~8:07. Thank Chris Brown.)

Are you from the Bay Area?! I saw some person tag #jaycometothebay on twitter, and I think we should trend it in hopes Jay comes =D

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 03:26:36 -0400

Nah, sorry. I’m not. ^^;; But he should go. He’s in LA now, you or he should hop over! :D

KOM-LB-ed (BABY SOFT LIKE EYEBROW HAIR) BROMANCE WIN: PART 1 ♥

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 03:24:22 -0400

I apologize for the delay. And the wordiness of this particular entry. I’ve bolded the particularly bromantic part because some of you seem to really like those. Pervs.

…More to come! :D

—————————————

Ryan Higa and Wongfu Productions have teamed up to bring us a new short film from Mr. Higa’s recurring “Word of the Day” series. The latest episode, entitled “Bromance” guest stars the oh-so-color-coordinated Jay Park, otherwise known as the “REALLY HOT NEW GUY” by YouTube commenters all over.

The film opens at an unassuming boba joint where Wongfu’s Philip Wang and Mr. Park are happily reunited after what we can assume is a long, devastating period apart. As the two engage in a casual man-hug, the scene fake freezes for Mr. Higa’s opening monologue. Consequentially, the pseudo-still frame prolongs the background pair’s awkward physical contact and Mr. Park’s not-so-unnoticeable blinking.

Setting the stage for the rest of the film, a definition of BROMANCE is panned across the screen, with commentary giving a very accurate etymological history of the word and the wondrous man-made desert architecture built by its originators, the Romans.

Mr. Park and Mr. Higa re-enact “an act of bromanstication” by the mighty Asian Romans who built the pyramids. In his YouTube acting debut, Park confidently throws himself into the role with his authentic Roman-era armor, imposing battle axe, and enthusiastic man smack to his co-star’s derriere. While Mr. Higa initially looks startled at the unexpected show of affection, his expression quickly melts into an expression of enjoyment and acceptance, spurring on many future generations of locker room butt slaps.

In addition to the film’s historical substance, the emotional depth is present in full force with the following scene where Mr. Park portrays a grieving man’s sorrow over the loss of his canine companion Peatry. Mr. Higa plays the comforting friend, with a single violin somberly accompanying as he lightly clasps a single consoling hand on Park’s mourning shoulder. The poignant scene is dramatically broken by a single, bold, harshly accusatory word that is stamped across the screen:

BROMANCE.

The duo’s impressive chemistry, however, also extends into conveying considerable sexual subtext. In one scene, the two stand outside as Park slowly sips from a straw as Higa looks on with barely concealed desire at both his friend and the innocent beverage.

“It looks really good,” Higa breathes, intently staring at Park’s pale, clear face.
“It is,” Park replies, finally gazing at Higa for the first time.
“Can I have a sip?”

While it remains unclear exactly whether it is the drink or Park himself that Higa wishes would quench his thirst, the sudden aggressiveness with which he uses to attack the drink can only suggest

BROMANCE.

The tension between the two reaches a climax in the ending scene as they greet each other on a sunny, beautiful Californian day. They both initially feign casualness with a guy handshake, but their small talk quickly escalates the tenor of their discourse with comments on how the one looks good and the other’s haircut. The simmering emotions beneath the surface burst through as Higa missteps and reaches out to caresses Park’s silky hair. Park’s initial delight upon hearing the first compliment on his hair in months falters as his friend’s thumb not-so-accidentally strokes the milky white skin of his ear. Undeterred, Higa’s intense and amorous gaze reveals his feelings for the worlds to see, as he waxes poetic over Park’s hair, “soft like eyebrow hair.”

These words smash the last pieces of their relationship’s casual front, leaving them in a painful and endlessly awkward silence. However, even with their defenses completely fallen, still neither can step forward, neither can look each other in the eye with complete honesty.

Higa, desperately trying to salvage the shards of their friendship weakly moves on to talking about the weather. Park, in true Ennis del Mar fashion (Heath Ledger’s character from Brokeback Mountain) uncomfortably looks away and in relief jumps on the new, safer avenue of conversation.

Viewers are left unsatisfied, wishing for more and what could have been.

Truly a classic masterpiece.

——————————————————————-

Here is a compilation of what other esteemed critics (AKA YouTube commenters) have said about this film:

“OMG MY DAD CHANGED HIS DIAPER BEFORE”

“i hope iw asnt the only 1 who looked up to see if the romans really built pyramids” (Just fail.)

“the new no homo loll”

“OMGWTFBBQ! It’s jay!” (I just found that use of internet slang hilarious.)

“almost 1/5 percent of bromances end up in a dudevorce :’c”

“WHY HASN’T THE WORLD EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOME YET”

“Shit. Jay’s hot.”

“Bromance: Evidence used to support fan fiction writer’s theories.”

“more intense bromancing next time 4 the creepy fangirlsss…. like me. *-*”

“That guy Jay is a a Browhore”

“ur friends hot shawty”

All in all, a successful YouTube skit debut for Jay Park, no?

KRUNK FAIL? ♥

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 02:31:00 -0400

Jay may not be able to teach us grammar, spelling, or punctuation, but he can teach us slang. Time for a mini-lesson on the term “krunk”!

Taken from the Rap Dictionary:

To have a good time. Long as everybody get crunk in the drop — Lil Bow Wow (Bounce with me [2000].

To get crazy drunk. Originally, this term comes from the words crazy and funk. As opposed to popular opinion, crunk has had no relation to being coked up and drunk until recently. Because if its similarity of terminal sound with the word drunk many rappers have used it in reference with being crazy and under the influence. This and the intrinsical association with hard partying has brought about its association with alcohol.

A style of music most commonly made by rap artists from the southern states, aka the Dirty South. Some crunk artists (or groups) are Lil’ Jon, Pitbull, Lil’ Scrappy, Trillville, and David Banner and also [[[lil’joe the prince of Crunk]] n N b o Crunkmusic

At a high level, as in volume: “He got the speakers in the trunk with the bass on crunk.” (Mos Def, from “Mr. Nigga” on Black on Both Sides).

It seems Jay is more down with the lingo these days than I am. I assumed the 2nd definition was the prevalent one, being the depraved and indulged youth that I am. (I still hold that it was the original definition.)

So you can only imagine my surprise when I saw this tweet professing his nonchalant intentions to get down with his friends Jack, Jose, and the Captain.

(Those friends being Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Captain Morgan. Just in case you’re not old enough to drink yet. Or have not been acquainted with these gentlemen.)

However, he gets a pass this time around, as it appears he was using the first definition.

I hope he’s getting krunk quite splendidly in LA. And I hope you all can also get krunk soon too. <3

Oh, and also, to further your krunk education…

Appropriately inappropriate playlist to “get krunk” to:
Pitbull - Go Girl
Ying Yang Twins - Shake (ft. Pitbull)
Lil Jon - Get Krunk

Yeah, pretty much those 3 embody the spirit of “getting krunk.” Enjoy.

DISROBING FOR TWEETS WIN? ♥

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 23:00:48 -0400

감사합니다, thank yall ^ㅠ^ mournin hair lol

Gratuitous shots of his inarguably sexy back as a show of thanks for pwning the Top Trends list with “Jay Bum” are nice and all (even if I’m pretty sure it took him longer than the 5 minutes he announced to pose for it)…

But this may have set a dangerous precedent.

What happens when he gets #1 on a music show/chart?

Or maybe someday if he gets into the top 10 on Billboard?

Or…?

What will fans expect then?

…

Okay, you perve. Stop salivating.

Those poor nuna fans were trying so hard to concentrate on streaming and downloading Jay’s songs at all the Korean music sites. And then he tweets this. RIP nuna fans. <3

THREE-WAY MAN-DATE WIN. ♥

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 01:47:00 -0400

JAYBUMAOM @notoriousgonzo just been recordin in LA, me, U and Q hyung gotta make some songs too man! lets do i when i get to Korea pigs’ feet get-together son!

notoriousgonzo @JAYBUMAOM haha word!!! No doubt imma prepare some beatz for it!!! See u when u get back! And get down to our get-together fo pigs’ feet, pizza, bowling & tatts!!! keke

Nothing more romantic after a long, torturous period apart like making beautiful music together, getting stabbed with needles together, and sharing a big, heaping helping of pigs’ feet. *swoon*

I’m already imagining the Jaywalkers’ pitchforks and torches after Jay gets his next tattoo. How Romeo and Juliet. <3<3<3

TOMMORROW FAIL. ♥

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 02:16:58 -0400

Giant baby mourns his aging and oh-so-decrepit body. (Yes, that is the correct usage of “mourn”.) Sensitive nuna fans everywhere were dealt blows to their age complexes.

And like all old people… he sucks with technology. \o/

No worries, Jay. Men can get better with age, like wine. Or George Clooney.

I just started a tumblr called "jayparksaysthedarndestthings". Can you promote me? Thank you :)

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 01:15:00 -0400

More Jay Park for your Tumblr. Especially if I’m being particularly fail at updating. :)

» http://jayparksaysthedarndestthings.tumblr.com/ «

CHILD CRUELTY FAIL. ♥

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 19:32:32 -0400

… I think jousting kids is illegal in our country. Might be wrong, though.

Of course, the logical alternative to assaulting children for a vlog is doing a cover. Maybe of a tender melody like Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are”?

Life gives us such tough choices.

MOTHER FAIL(ER). ♥

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 00:37:00 -0400

“No, we don’t know what you’re saying, Jay,” was a common response that I observed in response to this Facebook status.

So I thought I would offer a proper translation for you all.

Hello, how are you, my friends? Oh my, I rose at an early hour, yes sir. How amusing. Today is my mother’s birthday! We will most likely dine at KC’s Seafood Restaurant, also known as Samuel’s restaurant for dinner. Perhaps I will also get to exercise at the gym, lay out in the sun to gain some color, and launder my clothes before then. I have been training my body like a mother(fucker) lately. A mother who trains frequently would likely be an Olympic gold medalist or a female mixed martial arts fighter, or something along those lines. You all can understand what I am saying, correct?

Yes, he compared himself to a female mixed martial arts fighter. For those unfamiliar with the sport, below are a couple pictures of its top competitors. I think it’s safe to say that we can anticipate positive things from all of Jay’s training, whether it be for b-boying or his body. Because if he’s taking after these ladies… let’s just say I would be terrified to cross a mother who looked like either of them.

I must also apologize that my primped translation inherently left out the hilarious connotations of GTL and the Jersey Shore.

So instead, imagine Jay saying the translated statement above over tea and crumpets with Snooki and The Situation.

While totally implausible, I think the world would be a much more FREAKING AWESOME place if that scenario happened. And was video taped. Don’t you think?

Also, I hope you all said happy birthday to Mama Park today! #happybirthdaymamapark

I don't think your vocabulary is even a bit too much. It's perfect for that sarcastic humor you've got going on. This isn't a question, so fail on my part :P

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 00:32:29 -0400

While I could use an excess of multi-syllabic words all day long, it would probably be more considerate of me to remember that English isn’t everyone’s first language. Sarcasm and readability don’t have to be mutually exclusive. ^^

No worries. My inner, elitist nerd gets itchy and bothered when I don’t use certain words I have in mind. So I will use them if I feel they illustrate the point better. :)

But thank you! Glad the words work for you. <3 And comments are always acceptable, haha.