Jessica Alba in Bikini

2007-11-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Great picture of Jessica Alba in a bikini at sunset on the beach, but not nude, nor in a video.

Sex . . . y!!

The Jessica Alba Experiment

2007-11-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

Introduction: The Value of a Blog, or Why My Blog Sucks Ass

I have no idea what makes a blog valuable. Over at the Peoria Speaks! forum, Katie posted an interesting link. It's a site that purports to determine the value of a blog. In other words, it attempts to answer the question, "How much is your blog worth?" To find out, you simply enter your web address. The site will then perform its voodoo calculation of your blog's dollar value. For example, Peoria Pundits, a popular Peoria blog, returns a value exceeding $50,000. Wow.

Not surprisingly, I was anxious to discover the cash value of my blog, The Usual Suspects. All my hard work and effort. The countless hours spent toiling over my keyboard. The long nights laboring to ferret the intriguing nuggets of wisdom and wit from the dark recesses of my stagnant mind. In all honesty, I fully anticipated that the Internet Gods would reward my labors with a significant sum. I'm talking a substantial dollar figure.

So, last night, I ventured to the site and plugged in my url.

The anticipation was killing me.

And the result was immediate: "My blog is worth $0.00."

Huh? Say again?

"My blog is worth $0.00."

Shit, that's what I thought you said, MoFo.

It's Official: I Suck

Armed with the declaration that I officially suck, I did what any self-respecting blogger would do: I got drunk. And not just a normal drunk. This was the kind of drunk that causes you to wallow pathetically in a world of sorrow and self-pity on the living-room floor, trying to eat a double cheeseburger David Hasselhoff style. The proclamation of worthlessness thus reduced a once proud blogger from pillar of confidence and strength to pile of quivering jello.

For shame.

Thankfully, the drunkenness wore off by mid-afternoon. I declared myself sufficiently sober to play hookie from work while attempting to regain my self-composure. So, regrouping on the couch, I resolved to share my suckiness with the rest of the world. After all, I wouldn't want to propagate the illusion that my blog has value. As a result, I embarked on a journey that has become this post: a confession of sorts. A manifesto of uselessness and futility. The ineffectual words of an ineffectual, inconsequential little dude.

So, Why Do I Suck So Bad?

The question haunted me: Why? Why do I suck so bad?

Determined to answer myself, I curiously delved into the logs of my StatCounter. You know, the free web service that tells you how many hits your blog gets and where those hits come from. The numbers would surely reveal the reason for my ineptitude. After all, numbers never lie. Right?

To my immediate dismay, the answer was obvious: Not many people read my blog. But beyond this trivial concern, another not-so-apparent issue revealed itself. Namely, of the few hits I receive, almost one-third of them comes from Hasselhoffing MoFos trolling for pictures of Jessica Alba and Julianne Nicholson. You heard that right: About one-third of my hits comes from TWO pictures on my blog. The guilty post? Here: "Top 10 Reasons Why I Wanna Be a TV Lawyer."

Well then. I guess it's pretty obvious. I suck because I don't post more pictures of Jessica Alba.

A Declaration (of Sorts)

I hold this truth to be self-evident: Pictures of Jessica Alba generate serious hits, dude. In order to create a More Perfect Blog, I've concluded that additional pictures of Jessica Alba will be required. Furthermore, having resolved to create a "perfect storm" of blog hits, I've decided to launch an experiment to answer a fundamental and persistent question: How many hits can a simple blog generate, within a twelve-month period, posting little else than pictures of Jessica Alba? My hypothesis: the more pictures I post, the more hits I will get.

To answer this question, I deem it necessary to start a new experimental blog. I therefore solemnly publish and declare: This new blog shall be dubbed, "The Jessica Alba Experiment."

Methodology: This is How We Do It

At The Jessica Alba Experiment, I will regularly post pictures of Jessica Alba. I will accompany the pictures with a short caption, which is necessary to ensure that search engines properly index the posts. For example, a post might include a pic along with, "Here's a picture of Jessica Alba not naked." Or, "Jessica Alba, shown in this picture, not video, is not nude."

For good measure, I might occasionally throw in additional pics of other hotties. Of course, I recognize this might skew, or otherwise contaminate, the scientific potential of my research. However, I deem this step necessary to ensure the greatest possible hit potential (also, because I Do Not Know Me will applaud my valiant efforts).

Therefore, without further delay, here's the first pic, which I've borrowed from my TV lawyer post. (My attorney tells me that my use of these images constitutes "fair use," because I am conducting legitimate academic research.)

This picture, not video, shows Jessica Alba not naked (i.e., Jessica Alba not nude):

Conclusion

I encourage all bloggers to approach their own blogs with similar academic zeal. I implore you to implement the scientific method. Identify and diagnose the cause of your worthlessness and/or lack of blogging prowess. Generate a sound hypothesis. Conduct the appropriate research and experimentation. Then, apply creative and pragmatic solutions that squarely address the problem.

Someday, all of us will be worth more that $50K.

P.S. To verify my low self-worth, I again submitted my blog to the value checker. Overnight, despite making no changes, its value skyrocketed from $0 to $1,129.08. It's as if the mere thought of adding more pictures of Jessica Alba had caused my blog to appreciate. Or, perhaps the Internet Gods felt sorry for my pathetic ass and have decided to placate me with a token gesture of worth -- a mere pittance. (I wonder which few words warranted the extra eight cents on that price tag.)