The Joker's Motley

Harry Potter is Overrated

2016-05-07T09:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I said it. And most of you who read the headline are probably already so pissed off that you won't bother to read the reasons why before (over)reacting. The Harry Potter series is riddled with so many holes that it looks like a swarm of moths tore through J.K. Rowling's manuscript and ate all the parts which were explanatory or rational. The general explanation for why things are the way they are in the Harry Potter universe seems to be "because, that's why." I'm not going to waste any more time with preface here, because this is already going to be way more words and time than I want to devote to the subject, so without further ado:

1) [Seinfeld Voice] What's the Deal with Muggles? [/Seinfeld Voice] How is it that the wizarding world is still a secret from muggles? There are, by the most conservative estimates, at least hundreds of thousands of magic users in the Harry Potter universe. Some, like Hermione are even born to Muggle parents. Put yourself in the shoes of either of her parents: when your daughter turns 11 an unsolicited owl delivers a letter to your house saying that she's a witch and she has been invited to attend a magical school for which you can find no information other than possibly some brochures or pamphlets delivered by other owls. I assume there's also something in there about "by the way, we know you're new to the whole magic thing, so don't mention this to the authorities because they don't know about us." How terrible of a parent do you have to be to not only refrain from contacting the authorities, but to actually send your kid off to that school? How do you explain any of that to your friends or family? "Where's Hermione? She's at a special school you've never heard of. No, your kid can't get in, stop asking questions about it."

On top of that, most wizards and witches all seem to have jobs relating to magic (which makes sense because you never see Hogwarts teaching math, literature, non-magical history, or anything else that would be practical in the Muggle world) so for all intents and purposes these people are non-existent in the Muggle work force. What do they list as their employment when filing taxes? Are all their records just erased from all databases when they turn 11 and start going to magic school? What if someone drops out of Hogwarts, or even graduates and wants a regular, non-magical job? How do they list their educational history when applying for said job? How do they cope with the fact that their education basically ended at the age of 11 when they went to a school that teaches nothing but things relating to magic?

More importantly, no scientifically-minded Muggle has ever found magical paraphernalia? If just one moving picture went public the entire wizarding world would be exposed, and there have to be millions if not billions of those things floating around. They print entire newspapers with moving pictures, referencing the use of magic and places that can't be located on any Muggle map. Is there just an entire division within the Ministry of Magic that specializes in wholesale memory erasing, Men In Black style, because I find it hard to believe that people like Neville Longbottom haven't ever let something like that slip. Keeping the magical world a secret would have to be literally the world's largest conspiracy, and to do so 24/7/365 for thousands of years and indefinitely into the future would be such a monumental effort that the majority of magic users' jobs would have to be related to the cover up.

2) Magic Defies the Laws of Physics Even the most basic feats of magic seem to be in opposition to all known laws of physics. If you make the end of your wand light up you're creating an quantifiable exothermic reaction. The amount of light produced could be measured, and the result would have to require an equal transference of energy from somewhere else. Where does that energy come from? Is the core of a wand a ridiculously powerful battery, or does magic drain energy from the user? Both seem unlikely since some magic seems to stay in effect long after the wand or caster have perished. The stairs in Hogwarts have been moving for hundreds of years without someone continually willing them to do so, where is the energy that allows that to happen coming from? If magic users can actually create energy rather than just transferring it, aren't they kind of the ultimate assholes for using it to fly around and throw spells at each other while billions of Muggles toil for everything they have? The way the stairs in Hogwarts move is almost the definition of a perpetual motion machine (I say almost because I don't know what the decay rate of that movement is) if you could harness something like that for the energy it's apparently generating it would change the entire world. It would certainly eliminate the need for coal-burning power plants. Likewise, if magic users allowed Muggles to use their transportation methods we wouldn't have to release countless tons of carbon into the atmosphere and waste hours of commuting time with our current inefficient cars and planes. They could use their magical healing potions (or whatever it is they have that heals) to significantly reduce the suffering of billions of people, but instead they seem to be more concerned with keeping all of this secret from Muggles rather than helping them in any way. Presumably they don't teach ethics at Hogwarts.

3) Why Do Wizards Hate Technology? Seriously, how is it that Ron Weasley's dad is the only person who sees the value of Muggle technology? No one sees the irony in taking a train to Hogwarts, having a magical public transportation bus, but being generally dismissive of Arthur's invisible (by the way, how are invisibility cloaks such a rare thing if Arthur Weasley can turn a flying car invisible?) flying car? Other than those few examples, the most technologically advanced thing in the wizarding world is apparently the modern flush toilet, invented in the 18th century. I understand that in their world magic has seemingly infinite uses, thereby eliminating most need for any kind of technology, but if a magic user misplaces or breaks their wand, they're effectively useless since to them a wand is used for everything from lighting to defense against the dark arts. This is especially true when you consider that (again) wizarding schools don't seem to teach anything other than things relating to magic. It's not even just technology which they seem to scorn, but basic actions which could easily be completed without magic. Voldemort kills Harry Potter's parents and is alone with a baby Harry and he goes right for the killing curse because to a magic user the idea of doing it any other way is inconceivable. It's like the old saying "if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail."

4) Hogwarts is a Terrible Place for Kids I'm far from the first person to point this out, but why do parents keep sending their kids to Hogwarts? Surely at least one of those kids came back from the first couple of years in Harry's class and told their parents how a few kids almost died at the hands of old secret magic stuff and the headmaster's response was to award them points for bravery. Not only that, but from their very first day they're sorted into factions which are made to compete against each other and be generally distrustful of everyone not in your own faction. At 11 years old the sorting hat basically decides which of your classmates will be your friends and which will be enemies for life (or at least the next 7 years). Why would you continue with that tradition? Sure, it fosters unity within your own group, but at the same time your group is now pitted against the other three quarters of the students in the school in just about every activity the school offers. It's as if the school administrators saw how different gangs compete with one another on the streets and decided that was a good system for a school, even going so far as to assign specific colors for each faction.

And the staff of Hogwarts is at best uncaring (again, Dumbledore seems to reward reckless behavior and disregard for the rules, he actually gives Hermione a time traveling device so she can take extra classes instead of just saying "extra classes aren't worth messing with the fabric of reality") and at worst an ex-war criminal who seems to despise children. Having Snape teach kids is like having an ex-SS officer teach high school chemistry. Sure he's technically qualified, but only because he was the guy cooking the Zyklon B used in the concentration camps. I don't care how much Dumbledore vouches for him, that guy should not be around children, he's lucky enough to even be walking around freely. If that's not bad enough, every single one of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers is a trainwreck who doesn't last more than a year. In chronological order the seven teachers we see are: death eater/Voldemort's host, incompetent, werewolf, disguised death eater, malicious power hungry conspiracy theorist, ex-death eater, and pair of death eaters. Any one of these should be enough to question the school's vetting process, after the first three even the most trusting parent should admit that it's time to find a new school for their kids.

5) Voldemort is the Stupidest Villain Ever Not even counting the treating everything like a nail thing I mentioned earlier, how many times do you have to be thwarted by a kid before you decide to maybe stop going near that kid? Or maybe just try a slightly different tactic than magical force. I'd be willing to bet that young Harry Potter doesn't know a spell to prevent a shotgun from ripping through him. Just hire someone to shoot him instead of putting yourself in the same room as him every time. You could make it even easier by going after him when he's not at school surrounded by people who know how to use magic. He lives with a family so stupid that they make Neville look, well not smart, but at least of average intelligence. You wouldn't even need magic to get to him there, just wait until the family's asleep, tamper with their gas line, and wait for an spark to blow the whole house up. They don't have gas? Ok, wait until he's walking on the street and hit him with a truck. If you're as determined to kill a kid as Voldemort seems to be, it really isn't hard (at this point I'd like to note that I do not endorse killing kids no matter how easy it is).

Where the Wind Meets the Mountain

2016-01-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

Where the wind meets the mountain
Snow falls light,
Dew drops turn to frost.
There at the peak the moon takes its seat
Somehow both bright and dark.

The sea at its base reflects the face
Of the moon's ethereal glow.
Calmly repeating yet not understanding
Secrets the wind only knows.

The sky and the sea stretch on past the mountain
Chasing the sun's fleeting rays.
The moon follows them and as it grows dim
The mountain begins a new day.

Where the wind meets the mountain
Frost melts to dew,
Snowfall turns to rain.
The sun in the sky smiles as it climbs
And the sea and the sky play their game.

Two Time

2015-11-13T18:05:00.001-05:00

Need less
Use more
Live better
Feel worse
Useless
More greed
Worse lives
Feel better

Calendar

2015-11-13T18:04:00.003-05:00

Numbered days
Turn the page
Banked and burned then back to the cage
Wage slave
Old age
Dying in the maze

Rub This on Your Face To Feel Better About Yourself

2015-02-27T10:54:00.001-05:00

"Proactive" used to be a seldom used word that meant taking care of problems before they arise. Now if you google the term the first result is for the company Proactiv, makers of multiple products that all do the exact same thing: treat acne. If you've ever watched late night TV you've been assaulted with Proactiv long-form commercials featuring mostly B-list actresses (and Adam Levine) and testimonials from regular jack-offs like yourself. They play them relentlessly during late-night TV because that's when all the acne-having uglies are at home watching TV, but you've probably seen them during the day or evening too, because Proactiv is nothing if not persistent about making you feel bad about yourself.

Almost every Proactiv commercial follows the same basic formula. A celebrity tells you "I know I'm widely regarded as a standard of beauty that you can only dream about achieving, but even I sometimes get pimples and can feel insecure about myself. But it's ok, because I just use Proactiv instead of dealing with my unhealthy self-esteem problems." This is followed by a friendly voice-over explaining the scientific and medical workings of the "new" Proactiv (every single Proactiv commercial describes their product as a new product) while a cartoon graphic shows acne disappearing and pores being cleaned by their "secret" "advanced micro-crystal medicine." User testimonials about how Proactiv changed people from losers to confident popular people will then play while of course showing before and after pictures with a disclaimer saying "results will vary." Almost all of these commercials end the same way as a basic infomercial ends: by telling you the products are worth so much more than what you'll pay if you call within some set time limit, because you don't just need to buy their product, you need to buy it right now.

The basic format of these commercials is insulting, but even worse are the actual user testimonials which seem to have been heavily edited to ensure they're as vapid and meaningless as possible. One commercial features the line "you put it on and it just feels like it's making those blackheads come out, just like pow pow pow." which basically sums up what Proactiv thinks of the average intelligence of its customers. That same commercial actually describes the product using the term "miracle gel," which should automatically raise all sorts of red flags the same way that any snake-oil salesman claiming to have a miracle product does. Another commercial trying to sell a special brush that somehow applies their miracle product in a way that's more miraculous claims that "This isn't just any brush, it's the only one from the doctors at Proactiv," or in other words, "this isn't just any brush, it's the only one made by the people we employ!"

But if all that talk of doctors and product value are too much for you, don't worry, because Proactiv actually makes an almost identical product that's targeted at a much more impressionable and less knowledgeable audience: teenagers. X Out is "the world's first wash-in treatment" which seems to imply that it's a different type of product than Proactiv despite being and doing the exact same thing. Commercials for this product are completely devoid of any kind of meaningful information, revealing that the makers of Proactiv think selling their product to children is like shooting fish in a barrel. They feature lines like "You can feel it working with a blast of icy cool," followed by clear-faced teens saying things like "like a WOOSH of wind," and "it's just, SCHHH, AHHH." The ads always end by saying that unlike most legitimate products, it's not sold in a store so call now and order to get free products.

The main problem with these commercials is that it tells you it's not OK to have any sort of skin blemishes. Sure, everyone gets them, even B-list celebrities, but if you want to be confident and successful you need this product to get rid of them, and you need a steady supply of it because you're not actually preventing future blemishes the way the word "proactive" suggests, you're just getting rid of already existing ones. They put themselves forward as a company that's helping people overcome their self-esteem issues, but what they really do is prey on those insecurities by offering the simple solution of "just be better looking." The way they present the products in their commercials makes it very clear that the makers of Proactiv only care about selling as many products as possible to the most impressionable and unintelligent audience they can find. If you need any more proof that Proactiv truly believes that beauty and happiness are only skin deep, look no further than this simple internet ad:

This Valentine's, Consider a Hooker

2015-02-14T07:36:00.002-05:00

Recently I was scrolling through my Facebook "newsfeed" (feed trough) looking for some mindless feel-good stories, when a story about a prostitution sting caught my eye because it's much more interesting than your stupid kids and pets. It struck me as odd that prostitution stings designed to catch would-be customers rather than those running the prostitution rings still take place. In fact, it's startling to think that we live in a society which any number of sexual acts between consenting adults are perfectly fine, but as soon as there's any mention of money everyone involved becomes a criminal.

Opponents of prostitution argue that it leads to the abuse and sometimes even slavery of the sex workers, which is obviously a very serious and valid complaint. However, keeping prostitution illegal does not solve that problem, it intensifies it. By keeping it a criminal activity, we force prostitutes to associate with pimps rather than legitimate business owners, we give them no legal recourse if abused or cheated, and we give society another excuse to not care about their well-being. The way we handle prostitution right now is equivalent to trying to prevent abuse of racing greyhounds by arresting everyone involved, including the responsible owners, the dogs themselves, and anyone who shows up to place a bet.

Of course there's also the moral "argument" that prostitution and is a degenerate activity which destroys families and communities. You know, just like gambling. This line of thought is so puritanical that it was the basic argument used by the Temperance movement to pass prohibition. We live in a world in which hundreds of websites, dozens of apps, and most bars exist for the express purpose of finding people to have relatively anonymous sex with. If your will is really so weak that you'd devolve into a life of debauchery simply because the option is suddenly available, then you may as well start enforcing burkas.

The United States has a multi-billion dollar industry that revolves around just watching other people have sex; the amount of revenue they could bring in with legalized prostitution is astronomical. They could regulate the industry to significantly reduce STD transmission, abuse, payment disputes, ensure that registered sex workers stay within designated areas instead of just walking the street. Legalizing prostitution would also take money out of the hands of criminal organizations and prevent treating otherwise productive members of society like criminals for engaging in a consensual recreational activity.

There isn't a single good reason to continue enforcing our current prostitution laws. Every dollar spent by our police on stings to arrest customers or close down brothels is an affront to your rights as a consenting adult. This Valentine's Day, consider a hooker and tell your legislators that you're sick of the current system generally screwing everybody.

The Wolf Among Us

2014-12-27T04:55:00.001-05:00

Since as of the time I'm writing this the Playstation Network is still down, I've been playing The Wolf Among Us on an un-networked PS4 instead of the game I was really looking forward to since I made my Christmas list. If you haven't heard of this game before, it's probably because it's far from your typical video game

The Wolf Among Us is by Telltale Games, a company which is practically synonymous with the genre of game they make. It describes itself as a "graphic adventure game," but contrary to almost every other use of the word "graphic" to describe video games, what it means is that it's an incredibly immersive story-based role playing game (don't worry, it's also graphic). There is little of what modern gamers would recognize as gameplay. You don't run around through an environment of non-stop action and linear story. Instead, this game focuses on bringing you an in-depth look at a pivotal series of events in the lives of its characters. Player interaction with the game is almost entirely in the form of choosing how your character responds to others and what he notices in the environment. By now most of you are probably thinking "that sounds boring," and you'd be right, if not for the phenomenal story the game is based around.

You play as Bigby Wolf (read Big B. Wolf) the Sheriff of a small community of Fables living in New York City. Fables are characters from myths, legends, and especially fairy tales who live in the real world, but instead of the Disney versions you're probably used to, none of these Fables lived happily ever after. This dark, half-familiar world is the perfect setting for a game which revolves around story and character: the way you interact with the story elements allows you to either flush out details and become a part of this unique community, or shut yourself out like a cold son of a bitch.

The amount of influence you have over the game is reminiscent of old text-based games or a choose-your-own-adventure novel. The game allows you to choose how your character acts in the world, whether that's a by-the-books lawman, loose-cannon cop, or dozens of in-betweens, and the NPCs react accordingly. What you say and what you do affects the development of all the characters, and good or bad, you'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of the game. Sometimes you'll pick what you think sounds like a reasonable dialogue choice and immediately regret it when another character throws it back in your face, sometimes you'll be surprised how well things worked out for you. More than anything you'll feel that your choices are an integral part of how the story advances.

The graphics aren't stunning, but they do fit the game by further its graphic novel style. The same could be said about the controls. For most of the game you can hold the controller with one hand while you snack with the other, although you definitely still have to pay attention as NPCs will just assume you're giving them the silent treatment if you take too long to respond. Overall I'd say if you're looking for a fast-paced action-packed game then this is definitely not the choice for you. If you want a unique story with amazing scripting that feels fresh the entire way through (guaranteed no grinding) then you'll probably want to play this a few times over.

Stupid Things People Say

2014-12-19T15:35:00.001-05:00

Apples to Oranges - It's an expression that means two things are totally different and beyond comparison, yet apples and oranges aren't that different. They're both fruits, they grow on trees, have skin on the outside and seeds inside, etc. Any 4th grader could draw you a venn diagram of apples and oranges. It would make more sense to say "like nuclear submarines to shag carpets."

The Definition of Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting Different Results - That could be the definition of "unreasonable expectations," but mental health professionals around the world have a very long and precise list of what constitutes a serious mental illness, (ie insanity) and somewhere in there is repeating sayings as if they're facts.

It Takes All Kinds - No it doesn't. The world would be much better off without some kinds. Rapists, violent psychopaths, corrupt authority figures, etc are not essential parts of our society, and neither is the shitty person you're defending when you say "it takes all kinds."

Engaged To Be Married - Unless you're also stupid to be unlearned pick one.

Yeah, No/No, Yeah - A totally different case of just pick one. People use this almost as a filler to show they're paying attention but it does the exact opposite. It always just sounds like "I don't care, it's my turn to talk now."

Public Nuisance - Generally used to describe low level offenders who have pissed off their neighbors. Should be used to describe Wall St. bankers who crippled our economy, "too big to fail" companies which required bailouts, companies who destroy the environment, corrupt politicians, and all others who routinely screw large groups of people for their own gain. A Wal-Mart in your town is a bigger public nuisance than any of your neighbors will ever be.

ATM Machine/PIN Number - Just as dumb as saying scuba apparatus, light laser, NASCAR racing, gross GDP, or Navy NCIS.

Fight Fire with Fire - Have you ever wondered why flamethrowers aren't standard issue for firefighters (outside of Fahrenheit 451)? It's because fire is one of the least effective ways of fighting fire. Every Pokemon trainer knows this.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up/Stranger Than Fiction - All sayings that try to tell you real life is more surprising than imagination are complete BS. In real life you go to work and the most interesting thing that can possibly happen is Keifer Sutherland bursts onto the scene to detain your boss who is really a terrorist. It could happen, but it won't. Because real life blows.

Keep Calm And . . . - It doesn't matter what you follow that with, all options are terrible. I don't know or care how people began attaching literally anything you could think of to this phrase and thinking themselves somehow clever or amusing, but it has to stop if we as a society are to progress.

You Don't Know Me - Has never been said by someone I'd like to get to know. Routinely used as a way of saying "don't judge me" in the most aggressively bitchy way possible. It's a sure sign that the speaker is defensive, withdrawn, and unable or unwilling to express complex ideas.

Sassy - People who describe themselves as "sassy" are basically saying that they think they're clever but they're really just annoying. It's a quality that people seem to think is endearing despite the fact that it's very heavily tied in with narcissism. Sassy people think that whatever they have to say is important, and they aren't afraid to interrupt or belittle the ideas of others to show how smart they think they are. For whatever reason we almost always use this term for women and gay men, but the closest thing we use for men is probably "smug" (although I personally think "smug" has passive connotations while "sassy" is more active).

Worst City Title in the US

2014-11-21T05:26:00.000-05:00

I recently came across this article through a Facebook friend about an Oklahoma City police officer being charged with three dozen counts of sexual assault. It's obviously a very troubling story but not exactly what I want to talk about here. While I do hope for all victims of abuse of any kind to receive justice, what I couldn't stop focusing on was the picture in the article, which I've reproduced here. (picture credit to Paul L. McCord Jr. [I think. The original article just gives that name with a link to a Flickr page. Although that's more credit than the writer, Mr. or Ms. "Feminist Newswire" received])

It took me a while to wrap my head around this picture because I wasn't aware that Oklahoma City refers to itself as "The City of Oklahoma City," which, let's be honest with ourselves, is completely insane. I stared at the text in this photo for a while trying to make sense of it, because surely, I thought, no one would do that. Instead this poorly designed logo (note the weird spacing) must be meant to be read like "The City of Oklahoma: City Police," or even "The City of Oklahoma City Police" with no breaks or pauses in a misguided attempt at seeming protective while really just being ominously possessive. Somehow worse than that is the actual answer: Oklahoma City is the city equivalent of a person who talks in third person.

If you go the extra mile and add the state to the end you have "The City of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma," (capital city of the state of Oklahoma) which can easily be said with just the two words: "Oklahoma City." It needs no further explanation. It's literally smack dab in the middle of Oklahoma, and unlike what you probably think of when you hear "Oklahoma," it's a city. If you had never heard of it before there are still two assumptions you would have made upon hearing of Oklahoma City: 1) it is a city 2) it is in Oklahoma. But still, just in case you didn't figure it out, Oklahoma City would like to remind you that it is a city.

Further investigations into this matter show that there is no Town of Oklahoma City, no Oklahoma City County, (the county the city is in is actually called [surprise] Oklahoma County) no People's Republic of Oklahoma City, no State of Oklahoma and Oklahoma City Plantations, and as far as I can tell there are no celestial bodies of any kind named Oklahoma City (although who knows what's really out there?). There are no other places, concepts or entities of any kind with which Oklahoma City can possibly be confused, so why are they doubling down on the citys (sic) like they're pieces of fried chicken that are somehow the healthiest parts of the sandwich they're in?

To be fair to Oklahoma City, they are still the number one city in the US if you rank cities by the number of times they call themselves a city. Even New York sticks to at most just New York City or the City of New York, but never both at the same time, so in that regard they beat what is largely considered the greatest city in the world. Congratulations. Now that that's been said they can finally stop overcompensating and stick to being one city at a time.

Double Zero

2014-03-05T17:49:00.002-05:00

New micro story through FiftyWordStories.com. Please read and rate on their site:

http://fiftywordstories.com/2014/03/03/chris-griglack-double-zero/

Still The World Turns

2014-01-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

She spins so slowly, sultry,
Silver stars streaking sundered skies.
Sighing softly, soulfully, singing so sublime.
Subliminally screaming, shattered,
Shipwrecked she sinks, slipping, spiraling,
Somersaulting sickness settles:
Somehow still smiling, supine.
Such stillness steeled,
Seeking sanctuary, some sliver,
Sonorous shores she swirls
Seas sore so spilling synchronized signs.
Swarming, slashing, strangling, scratching,
Screeching, snarling, snorting, smashing,
Systematically subtracting sacred symphonies.
Somehow still smiling,
She spins so slowly.

Homesick

2013-10-17T20:20:00.000-04:00

Here's another story through FiftyWordStories.com, this one has a bit of a sci-fi feel to it. As always, please read and rate on the site.

http://fiftywordstories.com/2013/10/17/chris-griglack-homesick/

Bioshock Infinite

2013-10-14T20:23:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a little behind with this review as the game came out at the end of August, but I finally had the chance to play through Bioshock Infinite this weekend, and it is hands down my favorite shooter of the year. I loved the previous two installments of Bioshock for their gritty sci-fi/horror take on first person shooters, but this one blew the others out of the water in terms of story, depth, and gameplay.

Bioshock Infinite takes place in 1912 in the city of Columbia, which is the Heaven to Rapture's (the underwater city of the first two games) Hellish nightmare city. Columbia floats high above the clouds while Rapture is sunk deep beneath the ocean, and the society of Columbia is a virtual utopia founded on American patriotism and a cult-like sect of Christianity. While the first two installments had you fighting zombie-like junkies with guns and genetically modified powers you inject into yourself, in Infinite you'll be fighting more or less normal humans with twisted ambitions. You no longer inject yourself with plasmids to grant powers either, Columbia's technology allows you to drink a tonic which uses the salts in your character's body to power the genetic enhancements. The overall feel of Columbia is that it's a city which managed to pull off the utopia that Rapture was aiming for, but after spending about 5 minutes walking through its streets you'll get the feeling that the society is far too good to be true, even if you haven't played the other games.

The image of perfection shatters when you attend the Founder's Day raffle and are greeted with some old fashioned racism like a slap in the face, and when I say that I mean they don't slowly build up to it, the way it's introduced will make you say "Woah," when you get to it. At this point things turn sour very quickly for the main character, Booker DeWitt. He's labeled as the "False Prophet," the equivalent of "Enemy of the State" in this brainwashed community. From here you evade and kill the people coming after you until you meet up with Elizabeth, and things really start getting interesting. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Elizabeth may be the coolest support character ever to appear in a shooter game. She will find you money, open locked doors and safes, throw you health packs and salt when you are running low, and toss you fully loaded guns when you are running low on ammo, replenishing your ammo stock and removing the need for reload time every once in a while. You don't need to protect her from being killed, she's not just thrown in as fan service or eye candy, and she has some really cool abilities which I won't go into because they tie into the central story and I'm trying to avoid spoilers.

The actual gameplay is very similar to the previous Bioshock installments, but with the added bonus of a shield which recharges after taking cover for a few seconds, gear which adds abilities (don't worry no RPG type stats to manage) and the addition of Elizabeth which, as already mentioned, is awesome. All your weapons and powers are upgradable through the currency system used in Columbia: Silver Eagles, and your health, shield, and salt levels are upgraded by drinking Infusions found throughout the game, usually in the more secretive areas. Instead of farming Big Daddies and Little Sisters for ADAM the optional content of this game is found through exploring locked rooms which Elizabeth opens for you, code books and ciphers which she also decodes, and locked chests that you need to find keys for. There's enough optional content in the game to keep you entertained, and it's arranged in such a way that you won't need to backtrack for half an hour to get back to the actual mission.

The highlight of Bioshock Infinite is the amazingly beautiful and complex world through which the story is presented. Like its predecessors, Infinite is built on a world of duality which harkens back to the olden days of the early 20th century: men and women wear hats, the music is all done in styles which the majority of gamers are not going to hear anywhere except in games like this and Fallout (listen closely for some fantastic anachronistic versions of songs like "Tainted Love" and "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"), and nobody walks around staring at a handheld device. At the same time though, this is a flying city with automated "Patriots" and a giant mechanical bird to protect it, and they've developed a tonic that allows you to do things like shoot fire or lightning out of your hands or summon a flock of crows to attack. It's a world which appears to be a utopia, yet just a scratch at the surface shows the atrocities it's built upon, and the propaganda used to keep the people believing.

And if I can just go back to the music for a moment. Except in combat scenes, the music in this game is not at all background music. Every time you encounter a radio, phonograph, or the few "live" musical scenes it's a captivating event that reminds you just how similar this world is to our own. I know I just put a lot of time into telling you how different and unique the world of Infinite is, but when you stop to listen to the beautiful rendition of "Shake Sugaree" sung in Shantytown or this haunting version of "Fortunate Son" sung while a war rages all around, it gives you the feeling that the people of this world are not so different from those of our own. They have the same ambitions of greed, revenge, redemption, longing for freedom, love, and hope. (Video may have minor spoilers but if you haven't played through the game it's almost certainly not what you think)

Bioshock Infinite is an all-around stunning game, easily the best of the Bioshock games and easily the most original and entertaining shooter of the year. I recently bought it used for about half price, but I wish I had purchased it on release for full price because I was missing out. I highly recommend picking up a copy of your own, this is a game I definitely won't be trading in anytime soon.

Shattered

2013-10-02T20:57:00.003-04:00

New 50 word original fiction on FiftyWordStories.com entitled "Shattered." Feel free to read and rate using the stars below the story.

http://fiftywordstories.com/2013/10/02/chris-griglack-shattered/

Love At Last Sight

2013-08-31T13:25:00.004-04:00

Here's an original 50 word story published through FiftyWordStories.com. Please read and rate using the tool on their site.

http://fiftywordstories.com/2013/08/30/chris-griglack-love-at-last-sight/

Magic!

2013-08-19T21:40:00.004-04:00

Some authors are very good at explaining the workings of their magical systems, others are good at leaving an impression of a very powerful force that is not fully understood even by those who dare to use it, and others are just downright terrible at providing any insight as to what the hell is going on. That's why I've composed these categories to give fans a better understanding of how the most common magic systems work in fantasy literature. They're by no means official or set in stone as the only types of magic which are effectively used, in fact, they're not even mutually exclusive. Hopefully there will be more categories to come as I continue to expand my fantasy repertoire, but for now I give you the four categories of fantasy magic.

Like For Like Magic
This is a type of magic usually associated more with darker worlds or characters. It requires sacrifice or payment to accomplish. This can be through the methods more traditionally associated with sacrifice, or simply through conversion of materials or forces into other materials or forces. For instance, alchemy or magics involving consumption of particular ingredients (potions, tonics, etc). This may also apply to magics drawn from a source if the source has limited power. For example, a magic stone or talisman infused with power which is channeled until consumed. Of course, this category also includes demonic pacts, bargaining or trading something for power, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual.

Magic of Will
Magic that is determined by the mental strength of the user. This is the most classically associated form of magic, and is often found in high fantasy. Whenever magic is an art that requires studying and practice to apply it is generally magic that is determined by the will of the user. A novice will never be as adept in any of these schools of magic as an expert unless they are meant to be some sort of prodigy. This could also include forms of magic which are powered through divine sources, in other words, magics which are temporarily granted to the highly devout based on the strength of their conviction. A priest or cleric whose powers may no longer work if they were to stop believing, or whose powers may be granted by a different benefactor if they were to convert, though these users may also be considered magical by association depending on the circumstances.

Innate Magic
This is magic that is best thought of in terms of an inherited trait. Much like some people are born more athletic than others, some may be born with higher aptitude for magic than others. It may be something that can be balanced out by practice, knowledge, and experience, but this type of magic is largely defined by its users potential at birth, whether this be an inherited genetic trait or random selection. A great example of this would be the Aes Sedai in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. While even the weakest Aes Sedai are able to train and learn how to better use their power, they will never be able to draw in as much of the power as those born with stronger gifts. In some cases this may even be a racial distinction, eg. all elves are born magic users, some humans, and no dwarves.

Magic By Association
Usually the worst kind of magic. This is when the magic user themselves does not possess any particular ability for magic, but may wield an item that allows them access to it. A staff that allows its wielder to ignite fires is a magical staff, but the person who uses it is only magical by association. Even cases where a character is in an event that triggers powers they otherwise would not have had. In some cases, the magical item/area/event may only be accessible by some, due to any of the things mentioned above, but until they can use magic without its aid they are not generally considered to be magical.

Rainmaker

2013-06-13T18:19:00.001-04:00

Original prose poetry flash fiction "Rainmaker" is now available on LinguisticErosion.com.

http://www.linguisticerosion.com/2013/06/rainmaker.html

Woof!

2013-06-13T18:10:00.002-04:00

One of my original micro fiction pieces has been republished by FiftyWordStories.com. Check out "Woof!" for free, and be sure to leave a rating.

http://fiftywordstories.com/2013/06/13/chris-griglack-woof/

Consume Some Knowledge

2013-05-25T16:39:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children with strong reading comprehension skills. I return briefly to the real world today after an extended stay in my preferred fantasy realms to attempt to dissuade you from your rampant consumerism. I know it's been done a million times before in a million different ways, but I'd like to do it through promoting a different set of values which can replace the emptiness of body image and ownership obsessions. I'm here today to tell you why intelligence and strong, self-realized ethical values are vastly superior.

So here it is: You are not your possessions. The clothes you wear, cars you drive, homes that you don't really own are not a part of you. Not even your effortless weight loss, miraculous hair growth, or discreet penis length increase is you. You're not who you vote for, or how many Facebook friends you have. There is only one thing which can accurately be labeled as "you," and that is your mind.

Your personality, your experiences, and how you interact with the world around you is what defines you. You could be the richest most attractive person in the world and still be a terrible person. In fact, most of the richest and most attractive people are also the worst people. When all is said and done, your money and your possessions and your physical image will be gone, but the person you were will still live on. That's what a legacy is.

Kings, queens, presidents, and dictators are ultimately judged in the same light as poor, nameless peasants: for their actions. The only difference is the level of influence each life has, but influence is not always measured in power, wealth, and fame. Every one of us is shaped by those that came before, be they our teachers, family, or communities, we our all constantly pushed and pulled in all directions by countless influences. Some are naturally stronger than others. Family supersedes most influences, especially early in life, and we live in an age of tremendous monetary, media, and societal influences, but strongest, most lasting influences are those of free thought and self-realization.

If society were to collapse overnight and it was left to a handful of survivors to rebuild the world, the civilizations that their efforts would create would bear little resemblance to ours. Except in one aspect: their principles of science, logic, reason, and discovery would be nearly identical to our own if left unchecked. These are things which cannot truly be forgotten because they are not truly taught, they are discovered, invented, innovated. The sun will set tomorrow for the same reason it set yesterday, and if this reason is ever forgotten, it can be rediscovered.

But if we all do our parts there's no need for society to crumble. This isn't done through supporting your local economies through consumerism, it's achievable simply by being ethical and passing this idea along. And I don't mean ethical in a religious or governmental sense. I mean the strong kind of ethics that come from seeing a good deed have a good effect on a person. The type of ethics which come from feeling bad and not wanting others to feel the same. No threats of damnation, imprisonment, or even death can replace these ethics if properly passed along. Nothing can take away your ability to do a good deed, to see it's effect, and to feel it in your heart, just as nothing can stop the force of discovery and progress. These things can only be halted for a time, for they are universal.

So where are your efforts in life truly best spent? In building knowledge, character, empathy, and understanding, and then passing these things along to others. If you put your time to these, people will remember you and how you affected their lives and they will do the same. Your legacy could burn bright then fade out, or consume the lives of others, but the best legacies are those which spark in others and lead them to their own understanding. This is the unstoppable force greater than economy and government combined.

Hellfire

2013-05-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

So thoroughly they burn,
Stilling, killing, willing
All to ashes filling urns.
The flames so bright
They stir the dead,
And frighten souls interred.
And each one has its turn.

None

2013-05-01T20:11:00.000-04:00

Solitary, I
Watch the duality
Of the Triumvirate play
Out before my weary eyes,
Their pent up rage boiling over
As if hexed. How they fall to
Pieces like trees in September, though with less
Height, the simplest of breezes able to break them
Like a flimsy set of nine pins. Fools! Only the
Rarest of men may bask in the decadence of power uncorrupted.

Sacred Pasture Sacrifice

2013-04-28T13:20:00.002-04:00

In sacred pastures they lay me down to die
Bleeding out beneath the pale blue sky.
A melody so softly hummed
'Mongst winds and rippling grain;
I pray that this day's sacrifice
Will not be in vain.

Dream of Tomorrow

2013-04-28T13:19:00.003-04:00

Man's nature is to dream;
Whether awake or sleeping.
To dream of things that are not, but could be.
Should be.
Of all things that can not be;
But one day, maybe.
To see the future 'fore it happens
And shape it in the image of the past.
To know the universe,
And others,
And dream until the dream does last.

Firearms: Humanity's Worst Invention

2013-04-01T23:15:00.002-04:00

If I had to pick a single invention which has had the most impact on civilization I would bypass the commonly thought of light bulbs automobiles, and the computer and go back a bit to the firearm. While all these other inventions can be shown to have had massive, incalculable effects on our daily lives, only the firearm has uprooted societies and precipitated the wholesale slaughter of entire races of people. Of course, firearms have undoubtedly done some sort of good for societies and individuals throughout the years, and while I'd like to argue that our world would be far better off had they never been invented, the argument is impossible to prove without the aid of some sort of time machine. Instead, I'd like to try to make the case through a look at how firearms have changed our perspective of killing.

It would be impossible to have any sort of discussion about the impacts of firearms without looking at how warfare has changed as a result of their invention. Today firearms and explosives are the weapons of choice for waging war, and it's clear why: they're effective. Warfare before the invention of the firearm was an arduous process which took years or decades to resolve. Single conflicts could take days of fighting (the Battle of Varna is reported to have lasted four days) and sieges of individual cities or fortresses took years or even decades (the Siege of Candia lasted 21 years). Even after the completion of these conflicts, the death tolls were minuscule compared to the wars of recent history.

Some might argue that the expedition of warfare is a good thing as wars today last years rather than lifetimes or generations. But of course, this is only because we've developed weapons capable of killing the same amount of people in far less time. The reason wars took so long before the firearm is because they were fought with the sword, spear, and bow, weapons which took extensive amounts of training to use properly and were capable of far less damage even in the hands of the most skilled. Warfare today is not based upon the skill of the soldiers, but on their quantity and their armaments. After all, the most disciplined armies and talented marksman are completely helpless against nuclear arms, or even less devastating explosives.

The best illustration of this point is the child armies which have become commonplace around the world. Before the firearm, the notion of sending children to fight wars was ludicrous. Children had neither the strength nor skill to properly utilize the weapons war was waged with. In times of desperation societies would recruit adolescents (which we think of as children) and the elderly to assist them, but they were never the major components of any legitimate army. This is still true to some extent today: no army of children will ever be as capable as one of well-trained disciplined men and women, but unlike the weapons of old which required strength to use, a gun in the hands of an untrained child is every bit as effective as one held by an untrained adult.

The problem with firearms is that they make it so effortless to kill. Soldiers no longer have to look into the eyes of their opponents as they kill them. Killing is no longer a massive struggle of swords raising and falling, it's a trigger being pulled with all the effort it takes to change TV stations. It has become a deeply impersonal thing to take another's life. We kill thousand with the press of a single launch button, and we destroy cities and topple societies in minutes. We have the ability to kill entire peoples without sending a single soldier into battle, and we don't bat an eye at this practice until we feel it is being "misused." And to top it off: we spend more money funding military pursuits than we do to advance the lives of our own people (here in USA at least). Our capacity and appetite for destruction is so great that the majority of our war efforts today are reconstruction of the things we were so quick to shatter.

So why are firearms the worst invention we've ever come up with? Homer said it best centuries before these weapons were even developed: "The blade itself incites to deeds of violence." Even then they knew that the sword serves no purpose but violence and ownership of a weapon is meaningless unless it used. Sure you could perform acts of violence with just about anything imaginable, but firearms have no other purpose but to commit acts of violence. And even though we've since developed amazing technology which allows us to defend ourselves without having to use lethal force, (mace, stun-guns, rubber bullets, etc) firearms have so disconnected us from what it means to kill another human being that we seem to prefer lethal force.

Why Can't We Just Celebrate Spring?

2013-03-29T15:15:00.000-04:00

Today is Good Friday, the second most widely recognized of the cluster of nonsensical religious holidays which leads to Easter. Yes Easter, the day when Jesus, who, like many hillbillies, is the Father and yet also the Son, returns from his three day cave nap to again walk the earth. We of course, celebrate this holiday by giving chocolate rabbits and stashing brightly painted eggs all over the place, just as Jesus would have wanted it.

I understand the need for some sort of celebration of Spring. Winter sucks. Now the snow is finally melted, the birds are starting to return, animals are out of hibernation. On the surface that's what this holiday is supposed to be about: new life. But the Catholic Church can't have you running around enjoying life and being all happy, so we get the sick lead up to Easter which is Lent, Ash Wednesday, and Good Friday.

Lent, of course, is the 40 day period where you're supposed to give up eating meat as a sort of proxy-sacrifice for Jesus. The idea behind this is to penance and self-sacrifice, a sort of "Now you sit in the corner and think about all the ways you hurt poor Jesus." This generally goes from Ash Wednesday until Good Friday, which is supposedly the day Jesus was crucified.

Which brings us to the main event. Jesus died for your sins, you filthy swine. Well, for three days at least. Because we all know that on Sunday he got up, dusted himself off, and saw to organizing the most corrupt institution known to mankind. The sacrificial rebirth trick: oldest trick in the book. It's how the Christians have their cake and eat it too. Because any logical person would be happy to tell you that you can either die for someone's sins or still be alive, but you sure as shit can't do both at the same time.