The Journey of a Spirit of Love

A Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 22:35:00 +0000

A year ago he placed it on my finger.
Pulled me onto his lap and told me the words
every girl wants to hear.

I pulled it out today,
from the secret corner where I
save it for my daughter,
a reminder of the
powerful and passionate love
we once shared.

I wear it and cry.
Cry for all the dreams that were lost,
for all the hurt and pain I inflicted
and received.
Cry for the wounds that havent
scarred over yet.
Cry for my daughters path
and the obstacles she will face.

It is more dull than in my memory,
yet, somehow,
still shimmers and glistens.
The beauty untouched.
I am overcome with gratitude for the wonderful things he brought to me.
My daughter.
My hope.
My life.
The same forces that sent me down
the darkest depths of hell
lit my trail to track my footsteps.

Never the same,
yet never the same.

Never was I more proud than to wear this mans ring.
Did I feel more alive.
Did I feel more afraid.
Did I feel.

I fight to put it back.
Reluctant to remove it from
its perfect home.
Safely nestled in its box,
I hold it close and whisper out a prayer.
Doubtful of its possibility,
but addicted to its prospect.

Please, stay.

.

Perspective Schmective

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 05:08:00 +0000

I joked (in my head, mostly) about how long today was going to be. I had no idea.

My daughter is screaming. All day and night. No seriously. Like she is being murdered and my soul crings every time. She won't sleep and refuses to calm down for even a moment. She also is pushing every boundary possible. And throwing that damn cup from her crib when its way past her bedtime. Then screaming.

My son just got home from two weeks with his dad so we are experiencing some readjustment time and I'm getting more frustrated than I probably should. Luckily he is snoring softly under my chin at the moment.

I also go on tv bright and early tomorrow to promote my new work and do a demonstration. So tonight I am helping get the website ready for launch which means I'm a little stressed and inevitably picking at my face which should look great for the hundreds of viewers tomorrow.

And then I find out that the man I love, the one I made out with a few days ago? Yeah. He is moving forward with his life. And I'm not going to be a part of it. I knew this day would come and really Im happy and excited for him. Its about time he realized his rockin awesome power and incredible self. My daughter's life will be forever blessed because of the moment tonight of overcoming his fears.

And yet I feel heart broken. The underlying belief? I'm not good enough to be moving forward at his side. I'm not going to be a part of his life because I suck. Ok, processing myself in 3..2...1.....

Correction: I did suck. I didnt feel good enough or worthy. ::Deep breath:: I do not believe lies. I believe Truth! So.. New belief: I trust God and the Universe that I am on my best path and he is on his. Those who are meant to be in my life and with me on my journey will be. Just like you invisible readers.

So I'm sure all these stresses today come back to the negative self-beliefs that snuck their lil heads back into my beautiful day. And then they feed on each other like rabbits in a secluded forest.

Because the Truth is, I have been given an incredible family, an incredible job, and the most incredible lessons I could ever ask for. And an extra amount of sunlight to live my incredible life in today. How's that for perspective.

This Post Is About Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 03:28:00 +0000

I am going to an incredible seminar where I thought I would be learning how to find prosperity by mixing spirituality and business. I know it seems like a lot of these posts on this blog are about relationships (and my many failed attempts at them) but that is because I have other outlets for the breakthrus I am realizing in the rest of my life!

So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.

I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.

I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!

On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.

I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.

I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.

Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!

So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.

For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.

You get what you put out there.

I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.

So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..

The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.

And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!

Magic Red Carpet Style

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 02:02:00 +0000

Just thinking about this post makes me want to cry.

The last time I wrote, I was on a huge spiritual high coming off of a lesson gifted to me by an old friend. I vowed to open myself up and have faith, especially with God. The big man came thru in a terrific and surprisingly swift way..

As I lay in bed night after night, worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong in my business. I was soaking up information as fast as I could find it. I was implementing all the "tried and true" tips and tricks and persevering. My heart, soul, and life was all consumed in my work, every single day. Bringing clients in, writing useful information for clients, refining my soul as to send out the best energy possible. Day and night, I WORKED. Finally, I had this conversation with the Universe and God:

"You want faith? Fine. You've got it. I give up. Ive been praying for a miracle for weeks now. If my business failing is what it takes, if that is your path for me? It sucks. But I am trusting you. Putting my faith in you. And there better be a big pay off.."

I officially opened myself up for whatever was to come next. The VERY NEXT DAY. I received an email from a potential contact that I had been trying to get a hold of for weeks. It contained a name. No phone number, no email, no link. Just a name, and an indication that she was looking for someone like me.

So I used my mad skills, found a phone number, and called the woman. She wasnt looking for someone like me. She was looking FOR ME.

It looks like I don't need to worry about my business. I have someone else's business to bless for a while. With a steady paycheck and flexible hours. With someone who sees the world thru the same lense I do. Who is in love with my passion and purpose. Who can see my value and wants to present it to the world. Who is giving me the perfect opportunity to work on setting boundaries and being confident. Who is going to pay me to do what I love. I love her for that.

All because I put faith in the Lord that the best path will appear under my feet if I just take a step into the dark. Magic red carpet style.

I am so happy, and altho not everything is perfectly laid out yet, I am so glad to FEEL EXCITED again! Its been so long. Its nice to be back. I am so grateful for all the things that have "fallen thru" lately.. they have all set me up for greatness. Opened a new door. The funny thing is, I had been receiving the notice from the Universe that something was coming for weeks, thru the sages and guides I have in my virtual world. I was ready and perfectly prepped.

If my relationship hadn't ended, I wouldn't have the clarity to see and accept this offer. If promises weren't left unfulfilled in my business relationships, I wouldn't have been open to a new offer. If I had been booked to the brim with clients, I wouldn't have had the time for self and business reflection that has lead me to this insanely cool group of successful business owners!

I am gratitude incarnate. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to address this journal again and grow into earning A Spirit of Love. If you read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to send this into the world.

Best Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Mon, 30 May 2011 15:18:00 +0000

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."

-Buddha

Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.

Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.

Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.

I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.

Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!

Period.

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Sat, 28 May 2011 18:30:00 +0000

I cannot believe the roller coaster I have been thru in the last few weeks. Heartbroken to heart-breaker to needy and desperate to self-fulfilled to defensive and aggressive and back to a sobbing mess, struggling to take my power back and BE the healthy, happy person I am.

And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.

Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.

It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.

No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.

The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!

No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.

The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.

Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.

What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.

I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.

Walk, Not Run

noreply@blogger.com (A Spirit of Love) — Sun, 22 May 2011 17:24:00 +0000

The thing about getting what you want.. You have to actually know what you want.

And I dont know what I want.

Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.

So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.

I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.

But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.

So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.

The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.

As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.

Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.

I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.

So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.

I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.

Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.

I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.

Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.

Story of The End

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 May 2011 15:30:00 +0000

Im back. And broken. And unhealthy. Again. SURPRISE!
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..

I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.

A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.

The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.

I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.

First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.

So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.

The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.

The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.

So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.

The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.

With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:

I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.

HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.

Ahem.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 21:10:00 +0000

Attention All:

I have not died. I am not taking the robe and committing myself to silence. I know all 2 readers of this were worried.

Life has been insanely busy, which is also a great excuse for 'I haven't made this a priority.'

I returned to school in July, which means 2+ hours of driving a day to get the kids to daycare. Birds arent even thinking about stirring at the hour I get up at now.

Aaaannnddd.. Im not single any more. Cue mushy love story about how we reconciled and are making it all work and are a real family now. Be sure to clean the puke off your computer screen to see the 'DELETE BLOG' button. Well, you all can go to H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS because I am ridiculously happy.

Life is crazy, and busy, and we are managing a family between two households and it really is hard. No, I am not stepping into a victim story or crying poor me. I really do love our crazy life! I am excited for when it settles down a bit into a better routine, and we can be in one household and not juggling school, work, daycare, kids AND double household chores.

Its amazing to look at how much I have done and grown in the last few years! I handle conflict in a much better way. But what fun would it be if I were perfect and had nothing left to improve on? Or at least that is what I tell myself everytime I beat myself up for slipping back into bad habits.

I am a work in progress, and I love it. And part of working on me is continuing to write and self-reflect. GULP.

I miss you, Journey Journal, and I miss you, people I pretend that actually read this. I miss sharing my life with you, everyone-and-no-one-at-the-same-time. So you get a commitment from me to pay more attention to this blog. But dont make me have comment conversations with myself again. Ahem.

Another Suggestion

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:24:00 +0000

All my books, decorations, furniture, everything material that people define their homes in, is in boxes piled in the basement of my parents house. Taller than I am. I often forget what I have stored down there, you know, outta sight outta mind.. But that's not really true because I think daily about something I'd love to have around me that would take me an hour long to find. Its easy enough to say, "Well just bring it up ya dummie!" but my space is crowded enough with just necessities.

I am going camping soon and in prep, I went searching for my camping things that I cannot live without.. tent.. sleeping bags.. electric lantern.. There were several open and scattered boxes of books left by my bored sister hell bent on finding something new to occupy her lazy summer vacation. I happened to knock one over while attempting to extract my tent from the deepest, darkest corner.

I found my diaries and journals from my teenage years. I KNOW. Of all things to spill all over it had to be the box of silly musings and OH EM GEE that boy looked at me today! It is the one box I would be embarrassed for people to find.. I can't believe my priorities were so shallow and how naïve I was. I would be truly embarrassed if people read those diaries. Yet I keep them to look back on, and I read and relive them every so often.

After storing those safely in a box hidden beneath several layers of belongings, I took a blank journal upstairs and didn't look back. Until I opened that journal and realize what a reflection of my WHOLE LIFE that was. Uh, holy crap.

My whole life has revolved around my past, my guilt for my past and my fears that I will repeat my past. I truly am embarrassed for the life I lived, the decisions I made, and for losing me in a sea of people. I would NEVER want someone to read the written proof that I was the kind of person who was obsessed, almost stalkerish, of a boy constantly. That I hated my sisters and wanted no relationship with them. That I would spout off every dirty word I'd ever heard at the top of my lungs when I thought no one could hear me. That I put my naked Barbie and Kens under a blanket and let them lay there for a while because I had no clue what grown ups really did at night. That I was too scared to even explore my own nether regions because only bad, unloved girls did that.

And now I have physical proof of me hanging onto my past, hiding it away and storing it, while trying to forget it and prevent any one else from seeing it.

You may have read a little bit before about my past and my struggles to move on and forgive and release myself from it. Its honestly the biggest hindrance to my spiritual journey. I've worked thru and understand that by not forgiving myself I live in fear, see everything thru a foggy glass and create avoidance behaviors that ultimately proof my fears correct and leave me on a death spiral, doomed to repeat my mistakes and focused around pain. I also know that when I hold onto my mistakes, they can't turn into lessons and I am essentially telling my creator that the grace and divinity he has given me isn't enough. Basically, holding on to my past equals bad stuff which leads to nuclear war. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

But I do know my past is a great teacher. My past mistakes are where all my lessons come from and teach me to be a better person. To be the woman of light I was created to be. And that is pretty great stuff! So to hide my diaries, tear out each page and burn them, may not be the most beneficial and definitely is not celebrating or honoring the space I was in that lead me to better space I'm in now. That diary is perfect in its imperfections, perfection in the moment it was written.

So with a new pair of eyes I read a few more entries and laughed my ever loving ass off. How could I ever had been so sure I was going to marry the kid who sat next to me at lunch? And the girls I played Winnie The Pooh with at recess didn't end up as bridesmaids at our wedding. I'm not at Harvard and honestly have no desire to ever go anymore. But the handwriting I adopted and practiced for hours so I could be as cool as the rich girls? CLASSIC.

I can read thru those diaries now and gain perspective on my life and habits. A historical view, if you will, on why I can't stand choker necklaces or purple press-on nails. I am grateful for the record I kept of all the times I wished I had different parents and straight teeth. And when my daughter baffles me with complaints about The Killers being old lady music, I can look back thru and have compassion for what she is experiencing.

So keep your old diaries, journals. Read them and laugh like they are a comic novel whose main character is creepily similar to you. Share stories of your rose bush secret club house near the willow tree. And learn from your fears that formed when your mom forgot to pick you up from school. Celebrate the life you have lived, and leave it where it belongs: in the past.

Just another suggestion that I deserve to follow myself!

Quote Me On That

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 15:57:00 +0000

I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.

It is the most beautiful day ever today! I spent hours just cuddling and walking around with my baby girl soaking up the post storm sky. The energy in the air is vibrant and peaceful. I have just been overfilled with gratitude and purpose all morning!

And then I realized what I had to do this morning. My Beauty is being watched by a friend of her father, a person I hold a grudge against still for the way she has treated me. I do not like this person one bit. Do I know my daughter will be taken care of? Sure. Am I terrified to leave her there and not be notified or communicated with if something goes wrong? Absolutely. I have been dreading these few days for weeks. Even thinking about it I get the worst knots in my stomach. I don't feel like I am able to call and check up on my daughter without attitude. No mom should ever be sitting at work feeling like that. And I thought we had a worked out a way around that, using the daughter as the babysitter instead, but I found out only last night that they pulled a fast one on me. Nope, I have to deal with this person.

So with the moment I've been dreading approaching quickly, I desperately needed some centering and to get back in touch with my Source. I know God created today so that I had the strength and conviction to stay true to who I am and treat EVERYONE with respect. Every time I felt the anxiety creeping up, I looked at the sky and remembered how gorgeous it is! It is a wonderful world and I don't get to let my fears and uncomfortableness create more problems.

And as I dropped off my daughter, I was greeted with a smile. I know it wasn't for me, it was for the Beauty I was carrying, but I felt all my worries and fears put to rest. I made up the worst possible situation in my mind and treated it like fact. They even ASKED me if it was ok if they text me while at work.
I know without a doubt, that if I had not had such a beautiful morning, I would have been cold and CREATED a miserable situation. Because I was kind and full of positive energy, they feel comfortable enough to communicate with me. And even when I feel drained from others, I know I can connect to the extra vibrations God put out today and fill back up on the beauty!

Yes, I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.
And you can quote me on that.

Keep My Eyes Instead

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:11:00 +0000

"The biggest disease this world suffers from is people feeling unloved."

- Princess Diana of Wales

I always seem to find the quotes exactly when I need them. I have felt the pain from feeling unloved and I would never wish that on my children. It is my job as their mother to provide comfort and safety to my kids and to love them always, so they can learn to love themselves. I've been thinking about lately how difference Booboo and Beauty are and the different ways they feel loved.

Booboo's language of love is playing with him. He thinks that whoever plays the most games with him loves him the most and who he needs to love the most. Probably not the most healthy, but the kid has made up his mind, and his working mama gets the rough end of that deal. Beauty on the other hand, she just wants eye contact. She wants direct and unbridled attention, like NOW, MOMMY. Look at me, Mom Mom Ma Mommy Mama Mom Mom oh there we go! Now I can squeal and dance and play now that you are looking at me!

Each with their unique personalities, but both equally deserving their language of love be met. Feeling unloved is a disease I've spent my whole life combating, and its one trait I don't want to pass onto my darlings. They can keep my eyes.

Healthy, Whole Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:16:00 +0000

My first thought when Booboo started acting out when we brought Beauty was home was that he missed our one on one time. Its the first thing people tell me, give him more alone attention, whether I ask for their input or not. But I really don't think that's what it is, and I promise this isn't coming from an afraid-to-be-wrong space. I've tried giving him more one on one time and attention, but he blows me off. I ask him if he wants to play a game with me or watch a movie with me and he tells me no. He literally blows me off and silly me I thought I had 10 more years before that would happen. Four going on fifteen! It doesn't seem to matter how much attention I give him, his attitude doesn't change. His attitude DOES change when I get him out of the house and get him physically active.

A big part is being 4 and full of energy and having an exhausted momma who doesn't want to run or even go anywhere. By the time people get here and can help watch the kids, I'm so tired and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm hoping getting my body back in balance and healed and eating healthy food will give me more energy. (Did you know that if you have an over-abundance of yeast in your body, you will eat more sugars, and every time you eat fruit or grains, you create alcohol in your intestines? Yeah. That minor yeast infection is looking a bit more important now.)

But with as little as he gets out at the moment, he acts out and then he gets in trouble. Mix that with my need to be in control (control what he does, when he can play, how loud he is, etc) and he feels completely out of control, so he uses anger to feel more in control. And I've tried giving him little decisions and having him earn up to bigger decisions, but I realized that is what my parents always did and it didn't work and it left me feeling out of control and lacking faith in myself and my abilities. Like I'm not capable of making my own decisions, always doubting myself and unable to make a decision. Those around me can TESTIFY of this! Shopping? Nightmare!

So the other morning I actually did a lil shorthand writing about it and I want him to have more freedom. Not even me "giving" him freedom, because its already his! God gave him that power and when I try to control it or take it away, I am sucking his energy out and he will develop life long ways of trying to get it back. Equals all unhealthy relationships. Ouch! Hits hard in my fear of being a bad mother and screwing up my kids..

I was pretty inspired by a couple photographers I met.. They seem so happy together. Sweetie this and sweetie that, and reading their blog and talking to the wife, I know they are getting some buttons pushed by their daughter. She's 3. I've been there, gotten the sunburn and bought the t shirt. I know how it can be.
I was always told and taught that you have to show the kid boundaries, but I think I took it too extreme and used it as an excuse to seek control externally. I was really touched by the way these parents ASKED her to do things and didn't force her. They convinced her. "Will you please move over here sweetie so I can get a picture of Booboo?" And I realize that's how the most powerful people in my life have worked with me. Especially teachers. I didn't HAVE to do the work, but my math test will probably be better if I do. Kinda the whole, attracting bees with honey rather than vinegar. Leading a horse to water but can't make em drink, so you drink water and talk about how cooling and refreshing it is and turn your back so the horse thinks you don't know it snuck a sip or two.

So I tried it a bit with Booboo this morning. He had certain chores he had to do before he could play games. And he said he didn't wanna do em. "Ok that's fine by me, but you have to do em before you can play." So he did em. I asked him for help and he said "No, I'm taking a break right now." "Ok, will you help me later?" And he said yes when he was done with his break. 20 min later he said he was done with his break and asked if he could play wii, and I reminded him that he said he would help me when he was done with his break. And he did it.

Usually I demand that the help I want be given NOW. And I keep being reminded of the typically marriage battle.. I would ask X to take out the trash and he wouldn't for days. I would always say, "If I wanted you to take out the trash sometime this week, I would say that! I asked you to take out the trash because it needs to be taken out NOW!" Yeah, I was winning no awards for Wife of the Year. But that is part of the difference in men and women I learned in a communication workshop. That's just another item on the to do list for him to accomplish when and how he wants. And if for some reason it truly, honestly needs to happen now, I can do it myself or explain and convince him why it needs to be done sooner(garbage man is down the street and if we miss him the can is going to overflow).

I see how my fears and insecurities have created the exact same thing and cycle in Booboo.. And I'm pretty damn grateful to The Phoenix Paradigm for showing me the tools so I can figure stuff like this out. Before its too late.

Its a step or two closer to a healthy whole family.

Come to Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:44:00 +0000

“Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.”

-Oscar Wilde

(Ok, one more about love..)

I am a glutton for punishment. Seriously.

Talk about revolting against one's self.

So many times a day, there are things I WANT to say, and things I KNOW I SHOULDN'T say. Like today. I flirt, when I know it will only create awkwardness eventually. It may not be today, tomorrow may be lots of fun too. But it will come.

Being a single woman who ultimately WANTS to stay single for a bit longer, who has A LOT to figure out before getting into a relationship, is really hard sometimes. Because there is a HUGE part of me that really wants the cuddling. The sex. The KISSING. Soooo.. I flirt. When I know I shouldnt. When Im not sure he even wants me to.

I have erased the same text message 10 times. It took 20 minutes and a very forced hand to say "Ok." instead of "Jump in this shower with me and find out what a dirty girl I am."

TMI? Probably.

Like I said. REBEL WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

Why do I revolt against myself? Because the revolting feels so good. At least temporarily..

Its time I honor my higher self. Stop torturing myself and making my sleepless, alone nights terrible! I am happy being single. I feel the best when I love myself, and realize I dont need someone holding me to feel secure! I have platonic love all around me and IT IS ENOUGH.

Time for this civil war to come to PEACE!

Bedtime vs Family time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:30:00 +0000

Last night, true to American fashion, I was drinking beer and playing "Redneck Life" with my sisters, my new brother, Beauty and her daddy. Perfect 4th of July!

It was getting late and Beauty was getting tired and a bit cranky. I put her on my shoulder, her favorite position when not eating, and she was calming down and starting to drift. Suddenly she started talking and squealing and looking down the dark hall behind me. When her daddy stood in front of her, she moved to look around him. She was having an intimate conversation with someone we couldn't see..

I tuned into my heart to feel who it was and I felt a familiar spirit, the same one I felt at Pappy's funeral. Immediately I felt he had come for her baby blessing that morning and waited and waited in the shadows until everything calmed down and they could talk. At dusk right before bed. It was PERFECT.

E seemed to disagree, and I guess he would know better than me, Pappy is his father after all. So maybe it was another one of her angels. Whoever it was, he said, its time to let her get her Beauty-sleep.

Which poses a question to me. When is it time to call it quits on playtime and when is it ok to put off bedtime? I love hearing my baby girl squeal and talk, especially with her parents or grandparents, but when is it time to intercede and call it bedtime?

And this goes for Booboo as well-when is it ok to let him stay up late, and how late? He needs time with family, dead or alive.. At what point does the late night family time start to damage him, if ever? I used to stay up late all the time and look at me! I'm fine!

..er, ok maybe don't use me for an example.

I'm tempted to let the play go on for hours because I know, I will miss it when its gone. How many chances is she going to have for a powerful conversation with her angels? And she may be over this adorable squealing thing tomorrow morning. SAD THOUGHT!

I guess that's why her daddy is my perfect partner in raising her! Somewhere between us I'm sure we will find a balance that is best for her.

Notes To Self From First Workout Post Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 20:47:00 +0000

Just because all the doctors finally gave you clearance doesn't mean they meant you could run a marathon.

Hydrate BEFOREHAND. Then rehydrate.

Running with breasts full of milk hurts and needs more support.

Wearing all gym clothes as pajamas means running in baggy clothes and almost getting captured by the machines.

Thinking about how you don't fit into your favorite swimming suit does NOT motivate to run faster. Only leads to frustration and mumbling.

A 'good workout' typically does not include falling over when you stop and swearing like Uncle C after Christmas shots.

If you can hear you singing Madonna over the radio, everyone upstairs probably can too. Expect a chorus of "we are living in a material world, and you are a material girl!" as you open the door.

You will regret that candy bar you ate for lunch.

Same for that soda.

And no, you cannot have another soda because you burned the calories from the first one.

Kids are napping. You worked yourself exhausted. Just as they get up full of energy. Yeah, good plan.

DO THIS MORE OFTEN and your body will forgive you, thank you even.

Wow, that chick is pretty smart. I should have listened to her. Except for that soda part.. She's nuts. Cheers!

Fair Share of Momhood

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:49:00 +0000

During our early morning play session, I stood Beauty up while I was laying on the bed. Pretty normal, she loves looking down and I love staying in bed at 6 am. She got a funny look on her face, so I grabbed a rag and caught the suspected spit up.

Ninja-like reflexes of the Mommy kind.

It would have landed right on my face, possibly in my gaping open mouth as I made ridiculous faces and sounds to make her smile and dance. Almost everyone I know has had that experience of spit up in their mouth, but not me. I've always been too paranoid.. Like this morning, I wasn't sure.. that funny look could mean 20 different things.. but I grabbed a rag to be safe. And I was right. But I wonder if I am missing out on an important part of parenthood.. The right to tell my daughter in 10 years, "Hey, I don't want to hear it! I changed your diapers! I pushed your almost 8 pounds out of my vagina! You spit up in my mouth!"

She has gotten close a few times with her milky drool bombs, but still I catch up. All of them. And that is quite a feat. Beauty is the most drooly baby I have ever seen. At 1 month old, she drooled as much as Booboo did at 4 months while teething, and I had to swim to his crib every morning to save him from drowning. SO MUCH DROOL. I feel sharp little knobs in Beauty's gums and I seriously think she is trying to teeth. But those baby teeth need the grown up teeth to push em out and its just not happening. She is worse than a bulldog.

Drool monster of the baby kind.

But I still don't let it drop into my mouth.

Although she has gotten me with the poop. Booboo used to pee on my mom or his dad every time they took off his diapers. It used to be quite the production for some else to change him, and I would laugh hysterically until I felll on the floor. EVERYTIME. He didn't ever pee on me. Not once. Not even into my mouth, he saved that for Grandma. But Beauty poops when I wipe her bum. PROJECTILE.

As I lift up her legs and bum to finish cleaning her, with no warning, she projectile poops all up my hand and arm. The yellow squirts would have reached my face, I'm quite sure, if I hadn't immediately stuck my hand over it to stop the fountain of disgustingness. Just like my first time playing with a boy in the back of a car. True story.

She hasn't just soaked my hand in poop once. She has done it a few times, each with less warning signs than before. Luckily now, her poops are a bit more solid and less squirty. But still. I know Heather at Dooce claims to have the Olympic Medal pooper, but she hasn't seen this kid.

I keep 2 full outfits, socks and bows even, in the diaper bag at all times because I know that in that 10 minute run to the store she will blow out and it will get EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter if I change her the moment we are leaving, she will poop again. Explosively. And sometimes, she will do it again. I think she enjoys watching me sprint to the bathroom. Booboo finds it hilarious, that's for sure.

Single mom with two little ones. Don't get in my way when I'm headed to the bathroom. Or the laundry room.

So I don't feel to awfully bad about shoving a rag in her face when she is looking awfully sharing. I've had my fair share of momhood already.

In The Most Humble Way

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 02:56:00 +0000

Today I went to my school to get some papers and student loan stuff figured out in prep before I go back in a couple weeks. I took my Beauty in to show her to all the girls who anxiously awaited her arrival with me. Honestly? I was dreading going in. I felt abandoned by them all. I hadn't heard from them in months, and even when I saw the headmaster at the grocery store, she didn't remember me. Plus, I was TERRIFIED that something was going to be wrong with my paperwork.

But as I swallowed the bullet, got there early, and walked in the door, I was given the greatest welcome I could want! Hugs all around, congratulations, and even an apology by the headmaster! Beauty was all smiles and giggles while flirting with all the girls I'm so glad to call my friends!

While I was visiting and talking with my classmates, a sales rep walked in to do a sales pitch/lesson on essential oils. He happened to be a licensed herbalist with 25+ years of experience behind him. I was invited to stay for the presentation. Um, SOLD! I love me some essential oils!!!

I learned so much not just on essential oils but about probiotics and natural body regulation processes. Can I tell you guys enough how much I love that there are no such thing as coincidences! Beauty happens to have thrush, and (TMI warning) I am having a couple different yeast problems myself. Probiotics and treating yeast has been on the forefront of my mind for the past 2 weeks. Its too early to talk too much in detail as I haven't decided what I am going to do, but let's just say that he was so convincing that I am considering becoming a rep myself. Talk about a job that would go hand in hand with my esthetician goals! (And that I could do from home.. VERY IMPORTANT!!!)

As I left the school and headed home, I made a quick stop so Beauty could give her daddy snuggles during lunch. I definitely know the power she has to lift the energy and love mid-day! And he deserves that light at work, especially if its on my way. He only had 5 minutes max to spend with her, but our brief encounter was enough to prompt a text to me moments after I left to say that he hasn't seen my energy that alive since March except for with the kiddies. I radiated, essentially.

I absolutely felt different.. energized, full of purpose, determined, able, HAPPY. It didn't sink in that such a change had overcome my heart until he said something. Thank God! I am so grateful to have people in my life willing to give me feedback, especially negative but also especially positive!!!

I KNOW the whole body wellness route is how I'm meant to live my purpose. Proof is in the results! I had forgotten, especially while on maternity leave. I am so excited that I remembered!!! I really am a Divine! Loving! Creative! Passionate!!! WOMAN of light!!!!!!

YAY for me! (In the most humble way, of course!)

Fathers Day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 01:05:00 +0000

I am feeling particularly blessed on this Father's Day.

I have two very special men in my life who fathered my bugs. They both love their children more than I could ever explain. I see the affection and leadership they offer as a twinkle as they gaze at their babies. I am so lucky that both of my children are so loved. And even when Booboo's dad stepped out of the picture for a little while, E stepped in and held his hand as life threw several curveballs. I am so glad that fatherhood comes so easily to him.

What I appreciate the most is the support of those men that allows me to be a good mom. I need a break? I ask and most of the time, I get it. I have surgery, or have a baby, or just feel like I was ran over by a garbage truck, both men have taken their kids and brought them back to me. Seriously, I am so grateful.

And I love that both my kids were conceived in such love. Each was my best friend, my whole world.

I am very grateful for my own father as well. He shares his knowledge and love so willingly, and supports me when I am hanging on by a thread. The compassion in his eyes when I am in pain says it all. I love my daddy so very much.

So thank you, all the men and fathers in my life. Thank you for providing that male energy in my life when I was unable to supply it myself. You all will have such a special place in my heart. Today, I celebrate your light.

Hear Me Roar!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:12:00 +0000

I've been meaning to read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield for almost 2 years now. I knew Pappy, my daughter's paternal grandfather, had a copy but I was always too proud to ask to borrow it. Now that he has past, I thought my chance had past with him. I was assisting at his estate sale a few weeks ago, and while we were cleaning up, I ran across the book. His family graciously allowed me to have it and I starting reading it the very next day. I finished it that same day. I seriously couldnt put it down!

It presents many insights as part of a story that was as intriguing and relatable as it was an adventure. It linked with my heart quickly, as it spoke of "coincidences" and the importance in our lives. I recieved the book as part of a string of "coincidences," and they continued to multiply as I read more and more, just as the book said they would! Ive know for a long time there is no such thing as coincidences, that the Universe presents things in an interlinked, destined way. But to see it happening in my life! The perfect friend calling at the perfect time to talk about EXACTLY what you were just thinking about. A reminder to get my car registered days before a police officer pulls up behind me. And it has just snowballed, starting with the book.

My favorite Ah-ha! is about male and female energies and becoming a perfectly round human being. Shocker, I know. But I never truly understood this before! Each of us have male and female sides, with one side being more prominent than the other. I am female, but I need my male side to balance me out. I know that my tendancy is to fill that male side with a male.. resulting in a power struggling, chaotic, painful relationship that ALWAYS leads to heartbreak and disappointment. My half-self, female, with another half person-sure, together we make a whole but we only have the joy and health of one person as well, both fighting to be whole and take it all, at the expense of the other. NOT GOOD. So Ive know for a while that I need to be a whole, healthy person before going into a relationship with another whole, healthy person so we can be a super-person, as the book said.

What I havent realized is that in my study and work to be a whole person, I've forgot about an ENTIRE SIDE OF ME. My male side! I often project, see the need of men to embrace their feminine sides, knowing that is how they can acheive happiness and stop seeking attention from women. I see it perfectly clear for them! How ignorant and blind I have been to my own path! I didn't WANT to see where I needed work!

In fact, I have been so consumed by owning and being my female power, that I dont even know what is my male side. What are male qualities? Power? Strength? Leader? Even saying those I immediate think, those are womanly qualities too! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

But.. they arent feminine qualities, are they.. and there is the difference. My masculine side is crying out for some attention. I am a mother, a nurturer, a lover. But in my quest to complete my circle, I must be my strong, ambitious, leader self as well! And that perhaps is the point of being WOMAN! ..to be both energies at once, not just my prominent female. And Ive been so confused this whole time!

This insight comes at the perfect time in my life, OF COURSE! Just as I am figuring out how to take on my life as an independent woman, I know I can do it as a whole, healthy human! Seriously, the book is awesome. And I hope my spirit travels with the book as it finds the next person to teach and enlighten, just as all my muses traveled and encircled me while I read every page.

Thanks Pappy, I love you!

Chosing To Blossom

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 13:42:00 +0000

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-Anais Nin

A long time ago.. ok, not so long, more like last fall.. I was told that I wasn't ready to create the life I dreamed about. And when the pain of the life I was living got to be enough, I would make the appropriate changes. That smart man was absolutely correct.

Pain is a very powerful motivator for me, unfortunately. It drives me to screw my life up and to fix it again. I want to avoid pain so much that I hurt those around me consistently while trying to protect myself. Like when I cut a friend from my life for fear of continued criticism.

Yet, I know how powerful the drive of true happiness can be as well. I just forget. In the moment, I lose sight of the bigger picture, I forget what brings me joy and just try to avoid pain. With my life as proof, I know that avoiding pain is the quickest way to bring more pain into my life. Avoiding pain and seeking pleasure are NOT the same thing, despite how much easier that would make my life. Seriously.

When you come down to it, its simply a choice! I have the choice to hide my beauty in a bud or I can take the scary risk and blossom. In that moment, I get to chose what I focus on, being afraid or bringing the light.

And that is something I get to practice more.. Maybe I should tattoo it to the back of my hand so I remember moment to moment..

Breast Is Best..Sometimes..

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:04:00 +0000

As I start this latest round of my medical Journey, I face new challenges and views as a nursing mother.

Nursing this time is really important to me. With Booboo, I couldn't produce enough milk and had to do supplement with half formula. When I had my wisdom teeth out and needed pain meds (and to sleep for 2 days straight), he was 5 months old and I figured it was ok to let my milk finish depleting. He was mostly a formula baby from hospital on anyway. I really feel like I missed out on an incredible experience of nursing him. Frankly, I felt like I was an incomplete WOMAN and a horrible mother.

So this time, I have been DETERMINED to make breastfeeding work. I'm not 17 anymore, my breasts are capable, and I just need the support of those around me to make it work. I have read thousands of articles of how to get the most from breastfeeding, all the important nutrients and antibodies that only breast milk provides, the lifelong benefits, physical and emotional, of breastfeeding. I get it. I'm convinced. This is the most important thing I can do for my baby.

And it was going pretty damn good! I was thrilled that I was producing enough milk for her, and even saving a little for a rainy day. The world revolved around her feeding schedule, and it was always priority numero uno. I bought (well, insurance bought) a kick ass breast pump from Medela that made it possible to feed her even while maintaining a wild, crazy, busy life on the town every weekend. Her dad got to feed her occasionally too.

But the best part was the feeling. I was providing enough for my baby. I was giving her the best possible diet. She smiled and coo'd at me after I fed her, and she snuggled up close to me during every feeding, soaking up and loving the feeling of my skin. Holding my baby to my belly and feeling her suck released every possible endorphin my body makes, I swear. I LOVE breastfeeding and did everything to make sure I could continue. Even when she developed reflux and I learned there were some of my favorite things that I could cut from my diet to make it easier, I did it. Done. Eggs? Buhbye. Chocolate?? Maybe later. MILK???? Rice milk isn't too bad is it..blagh!

You will soon learn why milk deserves four question marks. Its my favorite meal.

But now I wonder if I was too obsessed and overcome by the drive to breastfeed. The Universe decided that now was the time I needed to have my gallbladder kick the bucket, which means lots of meds and surgery.

This stirred a huge debate among people in my life. Which meds are ok to pay to Beauty via breast milk? Prescription pain medication containing codeine was the initial concern. The doctors said it was ok. The pharmacist said it was ok. The Emergency Room doctor said even the morphine was ok. Beauty's father, E, was NOT ok with it however. Friends initially were very against the idea as well.

All the research I found represented 3 main viewpoints: The doctors (Its ok to let it pass), the drug companies and pharmacists (Listen to the doctors), and the mothers (DO NOT BREASTFEED AT ALL). Some articles(mothers) said that research on how much passes and the effects were very inconclusive so err on the safe side and don't do it. They said that no one could be sure how long until the drug would not enter the breast milk any more. Other research I found from the AAP (doctors) said that by 3 hours after taking the medication that less than 1% of the drug even enters the milk, and to treat it like I do alcohol.

I decided that I am ok feeding her if I pump the first feeding following taking the pill, and I do not allow a mass amount to store in my body. Research was less favorable for morphine, so I decided to pump and dump for 15 hours before feeding her again and watched her closely. She never showed any signs of receiving medication, being sleepy or delirious. E and friends still disagreed and did not support my decision, until they heard from a former addict.

She said that in her extensive experience with prescription pain medication, one or two pills a day, taken a few hours before the next feeding, had no effect on her kids while she was breastfeeding. It convinced quite a few minds, and my plan was a lot less far-fetched.

But the question posed to me still haunts my mind: "Really? You are ok put that drug in your daughter's body?"

Que every "I'm a horrible horrible mother" thought I've ever had.

And I guess the answer is yes, as long as it doesn't effect her, I am ok with it. But it makes me wonder, is it just the codeine that makes us worry about passing it on? After all, it is only codeine and half a dose of tylenol. That is one pain pill. And no one seems to worry about taking max doses of ibuprofen and tylenol while nursing. That is all I had after giving birth, max tylenol and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours. Not one nurse, doctor, friend, or concerned writer on the Internet seemed concerned about that passing to my daughter. So is it just the codeine?

As my son has gotten older, I actually welcome the codeine in his cough medicine. I love that it helps him sleep thru the night and offers a break from the constant misery that colds bring on. Its been that way as long as I can remember. Most moms and dads I know feel the same way. So where does it change? When does it become ok to give kids codeine? Or even antibiotics?

When I had to take antibiotics prior to my surgery, I quit breastfeeding altogether and turned to formula and using up the storage I had acquired. Antibiotics are scary to me, and there is so much unknown about them, that the risk of passing it to her and her acquiring an immunity to antibiotics was much too high to justify feeding her. But it makes me wonder, why am I concerned about what I am putting in her body but not mine??

I am so concerned about giving her the best possible food. Giving her healthy breast milk that will not induce reflux or vomitting. I eat healthy foods and take my vitamins so I can pass along the nutrients. I am concerned about the negative things I am passing along, but the benefits of breastfeeding have outweighed the minimal risks of the medication. But why don't I put this much care into my own nutrients and risks and benefits?

What are your thoughts on the issue? Do you think about what you put in your own body? Do you take whatever drug the doctor tells you to, or do you hesitate? If you don't take the prescription, what do you take? Where is the line between "harmless drugs" like tylenol and risky drugs? Do you feel like a bad parent by doing or not doing what the doctor says?

Surgery Equals Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 20:28:00 +0000

So.. I'm having surgery next week sometime.

Last Wednesday, as I was writing a post in fact, I felt a familiar pain start creeping into my stomach and chest. Ive had a few episodes but they quickly went away and I assumed it was heartburn or really backed up constipation or something. This time was different. The pain was starting to get really intense so I scooped up Beauty and hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. I called to my sister to take the baby and I collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony. I was screaming and yelling and crying and trying every position I could think of to relieve the pain. After a few minutes my mom asked me if I needed to see a doctor, and I decline. She offered several more times and it took several more upswings of pain to convince me I needed to go.

I threw some pins in my hair to hold back the rocker locks and put on the closest shoes. I made a couple calls to make sure my kids were going to be taken care of but had to hang up on them so they didn't hear me yelling out every curse word I know and calling for my mommy in between the few gasp of air I could force into my tight chest. I couldn't wait any longer. We were headed for the nearest Instacare. The pain went down a little in the car but the nausea kicked in. I thought I was going to die right there in the front seat. Quick detour to the hospital and I collapsed on the front desk of the Emergency Room.

They checked me in quickly and got me to a bed. First question? "You didn't drive yourself here did you?!?" The hunky firefighter nurse asked me what the pain felt like and he tried to not laugh at my response.. It felt like my stomach had ate itself, wasn't satisfied so it went after all my other organs, and then the claw from the Toy Shoppe machine rip my overfull stomach from the center of my core. He gave me the lovely morphine, least I could do was make him smile that gorgeous smile.

Aaaahhhhhh.. (hey I'm a single gal and looks like I will be for quite some time, leave me to my fantasies!)

It was pretty easy to guess that my gallbladder had given up. The ultrasound confirmed and my doctor was trying to book me a surgery for the next morning. Just as I give in and start figuring out options for watching the kids, we find out the OR board is completely booked. Damn. So I have to wait to see a specialist surgeon until next week and then wait even longer to see when he can book my surgery. In the meantime, I have a diet from hell to prevent another attack and all the worry I can muster.

I am in constant pain, it has decreased to a bearable level but still wearing me down. The nausea and dizziness has taken over most of my symptom space. But the most captivating? The soul shattering fear.

I am shaking thinking about the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong. And I know that being in fear, I am not living as my highest self. Yet how do I move past the fear? How do you conquer your fear of death? Fear of pain? Fear of being ill?

Perhaps by being present I can quash some of that fear. Living the moments I do have. But I can't help but go back to the image of my kids crying for Mommy and not being able to pick them up..

I need a hug.

Seeking Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 18:20:00 +0000

There has been a long standing debate between and within my friends about "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." Some even refuse both and say something along the lines of, "I'm accountable for what I did and I commit to not do it again." Ive often wondered where I sit between all of these options and here are my thoughts.

I understand not wanting to succumb to the normal apologetic responses. They are over-worked and essentially meaningless to some people. How many times were we all forced to apologize to people as kids? "Say you're sorry to Mr. Johnson, Timmy!" And grumble out a half-hearted sorry to the man standing there with an expectant hand on his hip. And the feelings associated with being a sorry person, like I am a lesser person than the one I am apologizing to.

"I apologize" has always held a forced and sarcastic undertone for me so I've avoided using it and not trusted those who have used it. I get that it is me that who is assigned value and misinterpreting the message. Yet it is still over-used and insincere by most expressing it.

So to express heartfelt apologies to those we have hurt or offended, we resort to using superlatives to show how really super truly so very sorry we are. Like that makes people believe me more and show that I am once again trustworthy?

This dilemma of apologizing and in conjunction, seeking forgiveness, has spread poisonous threads further thru my life. My uncomfortableness and confusion over expressing my heart, mixed with my huge fear of being wrong and therefore alone, I usually end up not saying anything at all. Or, if I do say something, it comes out distorted and I offend people even worse. I know that if I conquer my fear of being alone, and become at peace (or even excited!) with the prospect of being wrong, I will not hesitate as much. Yet Im still stumped as to what will convey how much I wish I could take back what I did and my determination to be better.

I am not granted forgiveness, for this and a slew of other reasons. As long as I make the proper changes within myself, what does it matter, right? Here is where the poison spreads.. I learned a month or two ago that I base my forgiveness of MYSELF on gaining the forgiveness of others. If others do not forgive me, I am unworthy of ALL forgiveness. I learned that a huge part of living a healthy life and breaking my avoidance cycles is letting go of my past and forgiving myself!

My past reminds me of what a horrible person I am and reaffirms my negative self-talk that I SUCK. So I step into my power, remember who I really am and that I ROCK! But without forgiveness of myself, my past keeps creeping up and sinking its talons into my happiness and dragging me back to my pit.

I've been actively working on forgiving myself, and not basing my forgiveness on OTHERS. I get to be the star in my life! I decide if I'm forgiven or not! I give myself the forgiveness, because I have all the love and faith in myself I could ask for! So without the stress and NEED to gain approval, I'm not afraid to be accountable for my actions! I dont stress about my apologies as much!

So I come back to the debate over how to express it, while being healthy and loving myself. Recently I was really rude to someone I love. While I was asking for forgiveness from them, I knew I needed to forgive myself as well. So how do I ask for forgiveness while instantaneously forgiving myself? Does my forgiveness of myself taint or diminish my apology?

What does "I'm sorry" mean anyway? I am literally saying, I am SORRY. I am defining who I am by the word sorry. What do you think of when I ask you to think of "a sorry man?" I think of a miserable, lonely bum who has reached an awful point of life. I do NOT want to define my being as "sorry." I am a divine, loving, creative, passionate woman of light! No where in there coincides with sorry.

Even "I feel sorry" sounds like I am lowering my light, instead of honoring the awesome person I am. I am agreeing with my icky ego when it tells me I SUCK.

I get to live as I ROCK! I AM awesome, even mid-apology. I get to apologize, genuine and heartfelt, and offer myself the forgiveness I seek. If I don't get that forgiveness from them, then I hope they find peace, for their own sake.

So among my several recent attempts at finding a balance of self-love and forgiveness, while being accountable to those I have caused pain, I have found this to bring the most light to my life:

I apologize for what I've done, and I realize that I was wrong. You don't deserve for me to degrade and belittle you and it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I will be more aware of what I'm doing and your feelings so this does not happen again.

And I mean it with all my heart. Because I am not changing FOR them, Im making myself better because I WANT TO. I forgive myself for making a mistake and am determined to learn from it. So I feel good expressing my apologies in that way without SEEKING forgiveness! If it happens, I am grateful! If not, I am at peace still! And I am excited at how much MORE AWESOME I AM by choosing better!

A Note About Changes Coming Before I Shower

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 18:19:00 +0000

There are some exciting major changes a-blowin' here!

I will no longer be engaging in rants that berate and belittle others. This is MY journey and my life and while there are a lot of people who are a part of my life, they get to feel safe. I will not be erasing the past entries. They are my past and I do not regret it. I apologize to those who may have been hurt by them however and pray they will forgive me. But I get to step into a whole new light and role! So as a reader, please do not be afraid of a draining negativity from this blog anymore. I choose to be a positive force in all my doings from now on! WHOOAAHHH for being a CREATOR!

The name situation has been confusing even for me, so I am seeking permanent names for those I write about. I have a son, Booboo, who is 4 and the energy beam of my life. My daughter, Beauty, was born a few months ago and has brought amazing peace to our family. Other names will be declared as I get permission to include them on my journey.

This blog will soon change addresses and have a makeover (I know, another one?? hahaha). It will also feature my photography portfolio and a store to purchase prints of my art. Im having surgery soon, so the switch wont happen for at least a few weeks.

But first, a shower. I know. You can smell me from there. Your nasal passages will be relieved soon.