I guess there’s no easy way. This post was inspired in part by thoughts that came into my mind on the afternoon of 10 Aug 2010 for a title and content of a post, and when I was probably around here…

The title and post upon my mind at that time, is not what will be found here…The title was something along the lines of “getting dressed and stripping on a volcano…” but I still feel that the thoughts and reflections of those moments in time as I descended South Sister are influencing my desire to write at this moment.

The day started of well, I had awoken, gotten ready and was in the van about 20 minutes after I had hoped to be on the road, but still not to bad. The early morning drive was wonderful, however after being on the road for about 30 minutes I realized that I had left my NW Forest pass, so I had to turn around and go pick it up, putting me about an hour and a half behind where I wanted to be… I also had to stop and pick up a few small things at a store in Bend that I had forgotten to pack or pick up, but still got on the trail I felt at a decent time.

Upon my arrival at Devil’s Lake trailhead, I re arranged my pack a bit, made some changes to what I would be taking with me, and then headed out toward the trail and the summit.

The hike through the forest and up South Sister was wonderful, and unlike the last time I traveled these paths, I could see them, stayed upon them, and ascended faster.. as they were not covered by many feet of melting snow. When I reached 7575 feet in elevation I stopped and took a small break and ate lunch, having passed the point where I had stopped in June of 2004 a few minutes prior.

Then it was back to hiking until taking another small break near Teardrop Pool, highest lake in Oregon, this time pulling out a long sleeve shirt, and then a bit further up the trail putting on some pants…

From there I kept going, but as I went up I kept looking at the clouds moving in, and the once clear summit, covered in quick moving clouds… Looking at the distant specs of people heading up or down, and wondering “Should I keep going” and made the decision “I’ll keep going till I meet that group there… and see what the top is like.” So I kept on ascending the volcano. I was told of the wind and the cold above me by a few, but several others upon encountering me said things like “Keep up the good work, your almost there” and “Enjoy the hike”  and also telling me about it being windy, and foggy, but that perhaps as fast as the wind was moving it would blow over soon… So I kept going, and when I reached the rim, it was covered in clouds…  I had a few glimpses down through breaks in the clouds, but, the whole time up there visibility was limited as I traveled around the rim to the Summit. But it was still amazing to stand there on top of the world, and know that I had made it to the top, and to witness the beauty of the clouds, and rock around me.  There un the summit, however I had to take off two layers, even though a bit cold, to place another layer on, and then those back on… I also placed hat and gloves on while I stood and waited a bit hoping, for a break in the clouds before I headed back down, however I eventually started back before such a break occurred.

A bit before the end of the rim, the hat and gloves came off, back at Teardrop, one layer came off, a bit further down that layer went back on after a different one came off, further down the pants came off, and eventually that layer came off once more, and I was back to what I started in as I headed down the remained of the Volcano, and back toward the end…

Now this is a brief account of the adventure, without entailing all my encounters, the bug spray debacle near the end of the hike leading to the lost camera and hiking back up  to find it and so much more… Let along the drive home that took 2 hours longer than it should have do to a very long unplanned stop… What I can say, it was amazing. I am also glad that on the way down, I kept stopping myself from going fast down the trails, to pause and take time to enjoy the nature around me. I can’t wait till my next hike… and before I get into the thoughts upon my head, here is a small sampling of pictures of the journey if you wish to browse them…

South Sister Aug 2010 VIEW SLIDE SHOW

Hmmm, I just realized the time… the thoughts upon my mind will have to wait till later… stay tuned

Technically I have lived in everyplace I have ever been, at least to my knowledge, but for the sake of this posts I’ll limit it the discussion to dwelling places which I may have called home, received mail at, I will exclude hospitals, places I visited, drove through, walked through, spent a night or two at, camps, DR Congo… etc. Since I was born I have lived in the following States: Oregon, Illinois, Iowa, Wyoming, Washington, and Ohio. Within these states I have lived within at least 12 cities, since I was 2.5 I can recall living in at least 21 buildings, some of which I moved from and then moved back to, in at least three of these buildings I lived in, I also lived in different dwelling spaces, (apartments/dorm rooms etc…), within them. Before I was 2.5 I know I lived in a few other places as well. I am fairly certain I will move many more times in my future, and I am at peace with that thought, and would be sad if it was not so.

But this move is different. Once again with this move I find myself moving to a place I have been before, a part of the world that is home for me, a place filled with wonderful nature that is healing, but a place where I know I am not suppose to spend much time. While this rests upon me, I know that space of healing is part of the motivation behind the move. What is most different though is the sense of sadness that falls upon me as I start this move. I don’t quite recall feeling this way at other times, even though I have often moved away from friends and family who meant much to me (and still do mean much) this time it just feels different.

Perhaps it is the length of my goodbye, sharing it with a few close friends about 6 or 8 weeks before the departure and then slowly expanding the circle, longer than most, much shorter than that of College. Much shorter than when I fell ill while living in Seattle, for I became ill many came around me, supported me, and I thought I wouldn’t leave and then things took a turn for the worse and I was gone without really saying goodbye in person to anyone. So I never had the long, surprise goodbye…

This time however, it comes quickly, and for some, including myself as a surprise. As I say good, my heart twinges with sadness, I see people who I have come to know well, dear friends, church goers,  co workers who have become friends and mean more to me than I realized, co workers who perhaps are not to be titled “friend” but yet still mean much to me and  more… Perhaps it is the sense that I am disappointing some of them as I step down from roles, duties, that they have come to expect from me. Perhaps it is because, they mean more to me than I came to realize before, and I wish they could come with me. Perhaps it is hard for me to deal with people expressing how they will miss me, and what I do for them and for the communities in which we share in common.

When I hear them express the tears that came upon hearing, the loss they see or feel, when I see the sadness in their eyes, it becomes hard. When I think of the good times, and as I wonder about missed opportunities  of past and potential of the future if I stayed, I find sadness ring through my heart and soul. When I think of two brothers, the sons of friends of mine, the joy, wonder, and excitement they bring to life, I know I will miss them for they and their parents are like family to me, I don’t want to have to say good bye… though in saying goodbye to them I will go and get a chance to know two girls each about 6 moths older than them, who are family to me, nieces I barely know along with their older brother and sister and also my Sister, their mother. But the thing is you can’t trade one for the other, I will miss this family that is a part of my family, even if not by blood. I will miss my dear friend, whoi I spent many a night talk with, watching movies with, eating with, reflecting with. I will miss several of my co-works, who as I said, I have come to realize over the past couple of weeks mean much more to me, and are more a part of my life than I had thought.

I’m leaving a place filled with friends, and near friends, and coworkers I like to work with (and some who may quickly fade from active memory), and church family to go to a place filled with family and church family, but few friends, that is few friends who know me, few friends who have any idea of the past few years of my life, of who I am, of who I dream to be. I hope new friends will form, I am sure they will…

But still I am surprised by the long sad goodbye that fills me, and realized when one coworker said to me today that she heard I was leaving (she heard on the first day anyone at work knew, but I guess this was our first time talking about non work since), and asked if I might in the future be out this way again, and I said it was possible… And she said if I do, to make sure I stop in and say hello, I hope I do, at least to visit, as I continue my journey and the moves that are before me. Or as others expressed I would be welcomed back here, or where they see themselves transition to in the future, or seeking the grasp of a friendly hug of farewell, or offering a wonderful smile, mixed with sadden eyes. I ponder the words of the parishioners who expressed the loss they felt personally, congregationally, communally for my departure, and hope especially for the ones who expressed it in terms of their personal loss ministerial wise, that they find a pastoral minister who will be able to listen and be present for them, and not blind to the struggles of those who feel left out of the cliques that exists within that community… and what their needs are that are not being addressed, or are overridden because “that’s how we always have done it” or “we don’t see the problem, and so it must not be one…”

I am surprised how many of the people out here, people I have know or just a couple of months, a year, three or four, or in the case of some 10, (I think that is the longest I have known anyone out here, but I could be wrong), I know I will miss greatly. I am also surprised there is a sense of loss from leaving a part of the country filled with people I went to seminary with, knowing I have not physically seen many of them since graduating, and yet still it feels a goodbye to them as well.

Perhaps a part of the sadness is I leave a place I know, people I care about, for a place I once knew, people I care about, but without full understanding of why, or for what purpose, or for how long, or where next, or when will be the next… it is just an empty unknown, mixed with hints of future possibilities, twinged with sadness homing I am leaving at the right time, and not the wrong time, hoping the time doesn’t keep me from meeting her, or if already met realizing she is her… or preventing blocking, delaying ministry that is needed in particular places…

My heart aches, by body weeps, at yet they long for the healing breath of the Spirit found within the rain forests, coasts, and volcanoes to which I go. I hope this time of healing, and reflection will lead me toward greater embrace and understanding of the path I walk on as I journey through life and seek to minister to all of the Holy’s creation as I am called to do… Respecting each life journey, and each one’s understandings of the holy be they similar or vastly different from my own, and aiding them all in and where they are to experience a peace, a hope, a love, and a worth that I understand and express through my Christian faith and they may define and understand in very different ways of faith or life being. Yet, also with open hand and arm, share for those who are seeking a spiritual home the peace of Christ and invite them into sacred community formed in the name of the One who suffered on behalf of all…(Doctrine and Covenants 161:3a)…

Peace be with you all,

Decisions I’ve reflected on, discuses with others about, but still thought theoretical and far off pop into reality as I talk on the phone with others. The reality sets in as letters are drafted or rather redrafted, e-mails are sent, then time to breathe, time passes and then it is time to let those close to me know… more e-mails sent, text messages, face to face conversations, phone calls, old fashioned letters, hand written notes… time flies, reality sets in of the changes about to happen, comfort mixed with sadness, mixed with uncertainty, mixed with I don’t know.  Time to reflect, time to pause, one more letter to be delivered… more conversations to be be made, sadness to come, joy to come, mixture of emotions yet to be… so much to do, so little time, and yet a lifetime of time lies ahead….

My mind wanders, pauses and thinks about what do those close to me who I talked to days before decisions made, will think about upon hearing the changes. Changes that I made not a hint of when sharing with them, for I thought if they came to be they were to be a bit further further off than in reality they were… and thought were but a slight possibility at that.

At some point maybe I’ll look back and go “why?”  or perhaps I will look back and be thankful for the changes I am making… All I can hope for is that as I make these changes, I will allow them to aid me on my journey on the path of Discipleship, allow them to strengthen me, to engage me in sharing Christ’s peace in new and exiting ways, and allow me to find healing that I am in need of.

May I be open to the Spirit, be open to the breathe that guides and comforts, and may I become the instrument of Christ’s peace that I am called to be. May we all embrace our callings, risk the unknown and the known as we seek to live out in our various faiths and understands that path toward the healing and reconciling of an injured, war torn and broken world that cries out for wholeness and peace.

Peace be with you;

Last night I was unable to get to sleep, and once I did I woke often, and then I had to rise to go and prepare for a priesthood meeting. While at the time I felt awake, it would be for a bit of time.  By the time the meeting was over, and the worship service was over I was zapped. between the meds I was taking, the limited and poor sleep, and the medical issues the meds were for and the drain that was having from that as the meds were not helping much, I was drowsy. I perhaps didn’t realize how much so until I sat down in the car to drive home.

I started the car and I drove home, I could tell my senses were not what they should have been to be behind the wheel, but I need to get home to rest. As I drove I wished my life was at that point in time where I had found her… but not for the normal reasons of desiring life long companionship, a sense of being more whole in and through relationship… but just so I might safely get home without endangering myself or others. For if I had found her, or more likely she had found me, and we were together, she could be the one behind the wheel rather than I. Perhaps then I would have remembered taking my second exit, (from one freeway to the next) and be ready for the third (leaving the freeway system) before I was upon the third and going “when did the change the sign?” thinking I was at the second and the realizing I had already taken that exit and  now was at the point where I would exit the freeway system. Driving drowsy is not safe, and you also miss things. I shouldn’t have been driving, I should have either taken a nap in the car, or gotten someone to drive me home or… but I didn’t, I risked it, I risked the welfare of others to reach my goal. It wasn’t the brightest act I have ever made, I fairly sure it wasn’t the first time I have driven while not fully alert, and while I would like to say it is the last time, I have a feeling I will at some point make the mistake again.

The thing is, this encounter relates a lot to life, and to our discipleship. (For those of us who are disciples… if your reading this and are not a disciple, be it of Christ or of someone/thing else, perhaps some of the basics can still relate to your faith/spiritual path and life). Within Christianity we make a commitment at some point (or points) to embrace and follow Christ, to become disciples. Then we move forward in life, but I think we often fail to live up to the commitment that we made in our act(s) of becoming disciples of the risen, living, Christ. We step onto the path of the Discipleship while drowsy, and not fully aware.

We go through the days without being fully aware of what is going on, of why we do what we do. We go to church, or don’t, but we often don’t pause and think about what is around us, we do things out of habit, and perhaps without even realizing it, just as I made the exit, without recalling making it. We feel called to help all those in need, but we walk by the person sleeping on the sidewalk, and perhaps offer a quick prayer, think “oh that is sad”, but don’t take the time to think “why is he there,” we don’t take the time to engage in the needed process to make long lasting changes so there is no need for her or anyone to be sleeping without adequate shelter. We see the hungry, we hear of the hungry, but we work to just address the immediate need, and not to work toward addressing the larger picture and making sustainable changes to how we do things, individually and as a society to create sustainable changes so no one goes hungry and ensuring that the worth and dignity of each person is honored and recognized.  We go to church and see a national flag in the worship space, in a fellowship hall, outside…, and don’t stop to think “should it be there?” What does it convey to me, to others… what does it say about us by where it is placed, about our relationship with our sisters and brothers in Christ of other lands, or of the land that that Government took over, or… about our priorities.  We choose to use disposable products that can’t be recycled, or that can and we choose not to… without thinking through the actions.  We hear the preacher call us to embrace our discipleship, to proclaim the peace of Christ, and the next time we hear a prayer, say a prayer, think about Christ is a week later when we are sitting in the same pew. Not taking the time to be an intentional reflection of Christ’s peace, of God’s Love… to those around us. Not taking time to see that person cry in the back row as communion is served, and offer a prayer for her and her struggles, not taking time to see how she is doing, when she walks out of the sanctuary at the end of the service. We miss a week or to, and no one calls, no one checks on us, and we complain, without thinking of how many others have missed a week or two and we never called, we never visted, or even noticed they were not amongst us. We go to church and don’t greet a person seeking a new home, thinking someone else has, and never learning he went home feeling alone, unwelcome, unloved and never finds the peace they might have found if we had just taken the time to wake up, to see, to care.

We go through our discipleship drowsy, we miss a lot of opportunities to care… like driving drowsy we can harm others, like driving drowsy we can harm ourselves as well. We can forget to be refilled, we can forget to fully engage, to make the correct turns, to be healed…. We set our eye beyond the horizon at the goal of the peaceable community, but forget to look around, to engage and bring that community into being.

So the question on my mind now is: How do we wake up, reenergize, become alert and aware in our discipleship? Are we willing? What would happen if we were to all stopped being drowsy and became alert?

Unlike driving drowsy, where one should not drive until rested, with discipleship we must keep being disciples, but we need to be intentional, we need to ensure we are getting fed and rested as well as serving… We do need to “stop” but stop to: pause, reflect and engage, which is part of being a disciple. It is the stopping of the busy distractions, so we can hear the still small voice, the stopping of going through the motions and not being aware, the stopping of not fully caring….

It’ll be tough, but I think the Holy is calling us to be awake, to be alert and be faithful, dedicated disciples who truly seek to live out the message and passion of Christ with the wholeness of our beings. We are going to stumble lots, but lets keep getting back up, lets keep waking up, and seek to be the people we are called to be.

Peace,

Lyle II