the journey of sewing

2012-03-09T15:40:00.001+13:00

I havent written for such a long time!
mostly, I'm pleased to say because things have been smoothly trundling along in my world but also, I'm not pleased to say, because I've been getting myself out there and have widened the group of people that i know and in doing so I've heard some life experiences that would just break your heart.
I feel astonished that these people have the strength to keep on keeping on and without being taken into their confidence,you never could tell whats going on behind the scenes.
My issues are totally small potatoes in comparison and i suppose thats why I've been keeping my busy lil fingers off the keyboard - because i started writing this as a way to get the whole cancer thing out there but now i feel like making a bit of change of pace...but to what?

I'm guessing that it will be a bit more of a record now of things I've done (joined the kindy commitee last week which is NEW ground for me) and things I'm doing (travelling the length of the North Island by car next month) with the odd medical hiccup thrown in here and there as they happen...and lots of sewing i imagine
.
Speaking of medical - i did have the CT scan, when was that...? Monday before last i think,I have an oncologist appointment on Monday when I'll find out the results. I'd touch wood but i dont think i need to.

Summers suddenly come to a halt in wellington (if it ever really got started that is) and just in time and almost a year after moving in Manchild and i have got all the wiring sorted in the house which is like a mini miracle and has got us both chuffed. The vege garden may be overgrown and the garage may leak but at least we have more than one power point in every room and outside lights now.

There are people that i am blessed to have in my life- MissK and Manchild of course , but also friends and family that i couldnt live without.
There seem to be babies (a new niece and second cousin within days of each other!) and pregnancies all around and the moment and its exciting to see the next wave of new life coming through.
Lifes not always easy and i have resigned myself to the reality that i'll be on daily antibiotics for the rest of my life - and when they stop working the game plan will need a rehaul but life is what it is. And no one else is going to make it better for me, than i can make it for myself.
Amen to that.

2012-02-03T10:21:00.002+13:00

Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart lady. She once said "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...Do the thing you think you cannot do."

I know how true this is this week when i did my two days without food, did my bowel prep (anyone who's done that before will know what a truely horrid experience bowel prep is), had my 'conscious sedation' (which i hadnt had before and was really worried about but actually turned out to be quite fun), and had a camera put down my stoma to check for any growths.

I saw how true it is again yesterday when i took missK to the park with her new scooter. She desperately wants to be like the other kids that she sees whizzing around but hasnt quite got the confidence yet to really give the scooter a good kick off and go racing- she tends to do little pushes which make the scooter wobble more than it should.

Yesterday i decided she needed a taste of what scooter riding can be like, so i raised the handlebars, got her to stand on the front so that i could fit my foot on the back and took us both speeding around the path at the local park as fast as i could.
She started out begging me to stop, telling me she was scared, that she wanted to get off and that she thought she was going to fall.
"do you trust me?" i asked her, "Have i ever done something that would hurt you?"
"yes, i trust you" she said.
"then hop on " i told her, so she did. "hang tight", i said "its fast but fun".

Off we went, within 5 minutes she had relaxed and was laughing and yelling "faster, faster". when we had circled the park a few times, it was time to go home and make dinner and she was begging me to stay and go fast on the scooter again.
We walked back up the hill and her face was aglow with accomplishment and happiness, chattering and laughing the whole way home and asking (non stop) if we could go back down to the park tomorrow and do it all over again.

Thats how i feel too today, like i faced an event that was keeping me awake at nights with worry and fear. I wanted to back out of the colonoscopy and cancel my appointment so desperately but i didnt, and it really wasnt so bad.
Plus the surgeon found and removed polyps - and, heavens knows, those things are better out than in.

people are not perfect...except when they smile.

2012-01-27T13:52:00.000+13:00

Today is Friday-
Here's what i can and cant eat on Monday:
Can Eat:
White breads and crackers
Puffed rice
eggs
butter, marg, oils, vegemite, marmite (but who would,right?!!)
fish, chicken
white pasta, rice, mashed potato with no milk
Plain Gravy, salt, sugar, syrup, honey
Cauliflower tips, pumpkin with no skin
Marshmallows, barley sugars, sweets
Can drink:
water, black coffee or tea (with no milk products)
strained fruit juice without pulp (apple, white grape, orange)
clear broth
plain jelly without fruits or toppings
carbonated and non carbonated soft drinks
fruit flavoured cordials
clear ice blocks (avoiding red or green colourings)
avoid red coloured drinks

Can NOT eat or drink:
milk, milk products, cheese, desserts
wholegrain bread, wholegrain crackers, milk bread, fruit bread
other prepared cereals, wholegrain cereals
brown pasta, rice
tough meat and sausages
fried, smoked and tinned fish
soup that isn't clear
berry fruit jams
all fruits, including coconut and dried fruits
all seeds and nuts
most other vegetables

On Tuesday:
Do not eat ANY solid food, milk or milk products, and only drink clear fluids from the list above.

On Wednesday:
Do not eat.All day. Even though the procedure is not until late afternoon *sigh*
I'm not really looking forward to the bowel prep...or the lack of food. I really really love to eat and get extremely grouchy more than a few hours without food so i may have to be bulking up on the jelly and lemonade popsicles,just as I've done every time there's been an operation and I've had to fast.

On the plus side, i had another one of those freaky coincidences this morning.
Little Miss is not so little anymore, having turned 4 two days ago. On her birthday eve her Kindergarten rang to say that they have brought her morning kindy start date forward from March 9 to that very day.

Meanwhile i had been racking my brain to think how i could get her to kindy and back on the days i'm not eating because the last thing i wanted to do was work up an appetite by walking MissK there and back.
Low and behold, this morning i got to chatting with another one of the Mum's there.. and it turns out she lives two doors down from me and offered lifts whenever we may need them.
Bless her, we'll be popping over for a visit on Monday afternoon (i'll be taking my coffee black,thanks *ugh*) and hopefully during the course of explaining my situation, MissK and I will be also making some new friends.
Excellent.

Manchilds hand, MissK's feet. Less than 24 hours old

From this to this in four short short years.

Birthday morning with the spoils

Pay it forward 2012

2012-01-11T15:41:00.000+13:00

My Sister in Law in Sydney has had this circulating on her Facebook page and i wanted to extend it to my blog readers.

The 'winners' will be the first 5 to comment and leave me their email address (so that i can contact you when i need to send things on).

You can enter from any country - although obviously i wont be making you a cup of tea or coffee if youre on the other side of the world!

"This is awesome! Pay it forward 2012.... I promise to make something handmade for the first 5 people to comment. They must in turn post this and make something for the first 5 people to comment on their status. The rules are it must be handmade by you and they must receive it before the end of 2012. It could be as simple as making a cup of coffee for a friend. This will be fun!"

...go on,you know you want to play.....

x Cat

2012-01-11T07:53:00.000+13:00

My little MissK has been exhibiting some extremely challenging behaviour of late- digging her heels in and steadfastly refusing to do whatevers asked of her until she's been backed into a corner (metaphorically), and i feel like i'm slowly but surely turning into the nagging, impatient Mother that i never wanted to be.
So it might be time to reassess how I'm dealing with my willfull determined offspring.

Strangely i think its the endless days of holidays, sunshine and no commitments that has been her undoing. She is definately one of those kids who likes to have set routines for each day and to know whats coming up around the next corner.
She likes to know who,where,what and when....basically she's just nosey and will probably grow up to be a total control freak.
Maybe thats where our problem steams from because she really should know by now that I'm the control freak in our family and she will have to wait til she has her own family before its her turn.

But lets not talk about growing up because the number FOUR birthday is approaching FAR too rapidly.
At this rate she will be fleeing the nest long before either Manchild or i are ready to let her go....
Maybe now that we have a backyard we can build her her own little house out there so that she never actually has to move away from home.

And if she does leave,the neighbours had better watch out because i might just start collecting cats to fill the void.

Hello 2012

2012-01-02T09:25:00.001+13:00

2012! Goodbye 2011- it was nice knowing you.
There were many highs during 2011 for our little family - the best i think being a renewed sense of independence that came with the move to our new house.
It feels a bit more like we are 'on track' for the goals that Manchild and i both have for our family life which is brilliant! Of course the house has gobbled up ALL our money,so 2011 has been a year of scrimping and saving and eating humble pie whenever various family members came to our rescue and offered to help out in the form of finances or groceries.
Lucky that we have a house with a biggish yard, i keep thinking,since it needs a whole lot of regular work (very neglected when we moved in) and doesnt cost a thing :-)

i have to admit that there have been a few lows too-its been disheartening to realise how regularly I'm getting UTI's -even thought I'm still using gentimicin daily- and how often i have to stay at home because the nausea is so bad that i cant go in the car (me! Who's never suffered a bout of motion sickness in her life til now!).
I dont quite know how to change this (thats the disheartening bit) but I'm working on it....

And a few highs too- NZ winning the world cup in rugby, Having major snow fall in Wellington for the first time in approx 13 years.Lots and lots of fun times.

The next few months are going to be busy ones-
My brother,his Lady and their 2 year old son are arriving from Oz on Friday- its the first time they have seen our new house and both Manchild and i are fighting the insane desire to buff n polish it within and inch of its life!! We are all super excited to see them.
My Dad,daughter and Step mum all have their birthdays within the last week of Jan (MissK is turning FOUR!!!!).
At the beginning of Feb i have the colonoscopy and at the end of Feb i have to go in for a bladder study to see if its my bladder that is rebelling and causing all the infections - it seems that if it is,the urologist has other tricks up his sleeve like injecting botox into the bladder (yes,you read that right,botox).
And at the start of March I've got an MRI and MissK starts morning kindy.
And in April we will be travelling up to Auckland to see the How To Train Your Dragon stage show which Manchild got me tickets to for Christmas (Yippee!). It might be a slow trip due to car sickness but hopefully the bladder study will have cleared up a few issues by then (fingers crossed!)

Busy busy busy.
It seems that time has been marching on while i wasnt looking- Manchild and i both celebrated our birthdays last week: Me,35 and him,31. Considering we met when he was 16 and i was 20 its a bit of an achievement to still happily tolerate the sight of each other.
Even after living together for the last 6 years, i still get a warm glow when Manchild tells me that he values me most when i disagree with his opinion and refuse to conform to his ideas (good thing he tells me this because otherwise i would swear that he hates it!).
Its an amazing feeling to be valued for who you are rather than what somebody else wants you to be.

So in the long run 2011- thank you for being a year of growth and normality,its been brilliant and 2012, I'm excited by what you will be bringing our way.
Much love to everyone who has cruised through this blog at one time or another, Thanks for reading and best wishes and happiness for 2012
xx

2011-12-21T11:44:00.001+13:00

Manchild's migraines have come back with a vengeance this week (7 in the last three days) as his back has tightened up after a year of hard labour.
Thank goodness he managed to get an appointment with the ostio tonight to give it a right good cracking/straightening out.
Its reminded me exactly HOW far we have progressed over the last 2 years (SO easy to forget!) and i thought that it was about time to make a wee list of things that i am grateful for in my life today...

Being here for another year to see our haphazard Christmas tree who's decorations are rearranged daily by the excited MissK.
And to be living in a country where we have power to plug the tree in and a roof over our heads....

Having time with my daughter to make these (super simple) Christmas decorations together to hang on our tree.
Watching her amazement as pipe cleaners turned into 'candy' canes that she could put on her tree.
Feeling like i was the smartest person in the world (even if it was just in her eyes only)...

'The' jacket (photo for you MM) that we were gifted (the previous post).
Divine,indulgent and gorgeous- it will NOT be saved for best but instead worn at every occasion that we can get away with :-)
...

All the well wishes and love from family and friends for the festive season.
I especially love this card as MissK is really in the anticipation of Christmas this year- Shes not particularly fussed about the gifts (no doubt that will kick in next year!) but manchild and i are LOVING the excitement and wonder that she is bringing into our household.
Complete delight over the tree,the advent calendar,the tinsel, Christmas lights and Christmas baking....

And of course, my family (including Himself who is holding the camera).
We are not perfect
But being Happy doesnt mean that everythings perfect,
It means that you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections.

I'm very very grateful for every little niggly imperfection that my family (close,extended and honorary) and friends choose to bestow upon me this Christmas season.

And one last thought thats carrying me through as the pre- Christmas stress levels reach fever pitch....
Everyday is a new beginning,Take a deep breathe and start again.

2011-12-12T16:11:00.001+13:00

In the true spirit of Christmas this morning i received a beautiful generous gift from a stranger.
I had brought a gorgeous (and well under priced) cardigan from her on Trade me,to keep MissK Warm next winter- For a whole $4.
When i opened the parcel today it also included a Pumpkin Patch velvet blazer that the sellers daughter had worn once the previous years Christmas day.
It was BEAUTIFUL,in immaculate condition and something that i would not usually buy for MissK as it was (obviously) an expensive item that would not keep the rain off but ,man did it look gorgeous.
The seller had put a Christmas card inside the parcel wishing Christmas love from her family to mine and also a note explaining about the extra jacket and that she hoped my daughter would get some special use out of this jacket that she loved so much that it was kept for 'best',and her daughter had infact only worn it on one occasion.

Little did the seller know when she did this amazingly wonderful thing,that i have a black velvet blazer -which is also wonderful and beautiful (and was given to me by one of my ex-bosses,as it was not something that i would splurge on for myself). MissK coverts my blazer,she strokes it and gently rubs her cheeks on it. "its SO soft Mummy" she whispers every time i wear it,so you can just imagine the look on her face when i showed her what she had been sent.

As human beings we are capable of so much.Of changing the lives of those around us in ways that we may never fully understand ourselves.
The lady who sent us MissK's new blazer never knew that i have been fighting cancer or that we are a struggling single income family or that MissK would have loved a velvet blazer of her own but it was a luxury that i couldnt afford her right now.
Its likely that she will never know that she put a smile on my face that has lasted all day, That she made me feel so happy and blessed that i was extra patient with MissK when she was tired and cranky this morning or that i spent a large part of the afternoon thinking of ways that i could do something for someone else to share this feeling with them and to brighten their day also.

Its so easy to become wrapped up in what immediately around us and its worryingly easy to fall into the trap of not doing things for people we dont know because we wont be there to reap the benefits.
Its a skill which i plan an practising with MissK as soon and as often as possible to teach her the true gift of giving,which i have been touched with this feastive season.

A small,generous gesture from a stranger that has brightened my life -hopefully some point in the near future,and many times in the future after that i can brighten the life of someone that i have yet to know.

post script

2011-12-03T08:42:00.003+13:00

I just wanted to add a little P.S to all that blogging about pre diagnosis:

P.S. My appetite completely evened out after the BIG operation.I used to not be able to go for 2 hours without eating,i would get faint and it felt a bit like my stomach was trying to eat itself!
One of my doctors asked my after the operation in July if i knew how cancer works .I have no idea,i replied- even though i had gone through 2 operations,radiotherapy and chemotherapy by this stage i still really didnt understand what had happened to my body.
He told me that cancer eats your body or rather it makes your body consume itself by mutating the cells.it effectively eats away at your muscles and fat layers.

The diet that i had/have to live by with my stoma is constricting but its nothing as bad as my eating habits and constrictions before the diagnosis.Again,it probably seemed awful to my family and friends at the time but they had no idea of what i had been putting myself through for the last 10 years and how extreme the situation had become- to be honest until i wrote it all down i didnt really appreciate how extreme it had become!

I still have to eat fairly frequently now,mostly because i try not to overload my stomach and possibly cause a blockage in the stoma and also because i 'm more prone to migraines these days and being very hungry can trigger one.
(Plus i turn into a short tempered,unreasonable cow when i'm hungry so its best not to let it happen!!) but i dont get the same unhealthy gnawing feeling that i used to get.

Looking back i think i had 3 shortfalls in this whole situation.
1/ I was too ready to believe what the professionals told me.I think now that if i had pressed harder maybe i could have made someone take me more seriously

2/ I was scared of finding out that there was something seriously wrong with me.It ties in a bit with number one and readily excepting what i was told because it was a 'safe' answer.

3/ I had many misconceptions about cancer and what it was.I pretty much thought that you got it when youre old,born with it or you bring it on yourself (lung cancer through smoking,liver cancer through drinking etc). I was so so wrong. I didnt understand that you can get cancer in ANY part of your body and it can come for no apparent reason.

The other thing that i didnt realise is that there are so many treatments for cancer these days that it doesnt have to be a killer,especially if it is caught early.
Its so worth pushing for a test if you think there may be something wrong because your chances of a normal healthy life are so much higher the earlier they catch it.
Basically - if you have PERSISTENT symptoms that make NO sense even if you have tried the remedies that should work,MAKE someone check you out.
We have an AMAZING public health system in NZ,i really cant say enough good things about it-well.i quite literally wouldn't be here today without it. Its there to protect you and keep you healthy,dont make my mistakes.
Take care of yourselves,your life and your health.

pre diagnosis #4

2011-12-02T09:30:00.001+13:00

Our wonderful beautiful MissK was a reflux baby...and not the silent type,the vomity type.
I gave birth on a Friday and Manchild was back to work on Monday so i was at home by myself with the brand new miraculous vomiting child.She vomited constantly.
The first 4 months were a constant cycle of feeding and her vomiting the entire feed up as soon as she was moved off the breast and then having to start the feed all over again (didnt diminish my love for her at all,i hope you understand.But did mean that we had to change clothes a lot!)

At 4 months she had two nights (nicely coincided with my brother coming over from Melbourne to meet his new niece for the first time) of waking for a feed every 30-45 mins all night long.
I realised that she was hungry and not getting enough from me so we put her on formula for her last feed before bed (worked a treat). I was expressing to try to keep my milk flow up but i barely had any milk and the milk i did have was watery,with hardly a layer of fat on it at all.
I thought at the time that it didnt look very nourishing but i didnt really have any experience of breast milk to compare it to.

MissK was a very active,determined baby.At 3 weeks old she knew that when she heard the door creak she could tip her head backwards in the bassinet and see who was coming into the room.At 4 weeks you could put your hands under her armpits and she could support herself on her legs. She never did tummy time because she hated it and within a couple of months she had learned to flip over onto her back from her tummy.

She never crawled but did a little scooty shuffle thing and then by 6-7 months was cruising the furniture or taking steps holding onto the dog.
In typical MissK fashion on the same day -at 9 months old- she cut her first tooth,said Mama for the first time and took her first steps...followed by about 60 more (from the bedroom,to the lounge,kitchen and back to the bedroom).
Life was so busy with a new baby around the place that for a while my own problems didnt bother me.
I lost baby weight fast,not that there was a lot of it to lose. Within approx 4 months after the birth i was back into size 8 pants (this isnt so hard!i thought).


me and the 5 month old child

I know that by the time that my brother and sister in law had their wedding celebration in October i was in a lot of pain.It was hard to concentrate on much else apart from my stomach. I didnt really eat many meals anymore and was always a combination of hungry and nauseous.
I coped by having handfuls of food regularly throughout the day.

In December missK and I travelled down to Dad's house for a mini family reunion with my brothers (and wives) who had come over from Oz and the Uk. It was a brilliant amazing trip.
I was tired all the time.seriously ALL the time.MissK would nap and i would nap.
Now,i know what youre thinking but MissK had been sleeping through the night for a few months now,so i was getting a full nights sleep.I was just bone tired all the time.

MissK's first birthday party in January was hard work and shortly afterwards my old flatmate, MrI's vibrant Mother died of Cancer followed by another close family friend (who used to childmind my brother and i when we were little) also from cancer.
I went to both funerals in the same week.
MissE has told me that she actually commented to MrI that she didnt think i was very well at Heidi's funeral.By then i really wasnt very well. The second funeral was even harder,but i made it through...just.

All i really remember about the next couple of weeks was that i could hardly move.I lay on the beanbag in our lounge for hours on end hoping that MissK would be able to entertain herself next to me with her toys and only getting up if i had to get something for her.
She was brilliant and put up with my shortcomings very well.
I just kept thinking that it was constipation and that at SOME point surely it had to come out!! The idea that it was cancer never even entered my head at all- i didnt even relate bowel problems to cancer in any way.

And then on the 26 of Feb i woke up,sat on the edge of bed bed,looked down at my distended belly and rang the doctor.I need to come in right away i told them.
I rang my mum to look after MissK and she went a bit pale when i showed her my tummy.
I went to see the doctor (a new dr that i had not seen before) and she took one look at me and said with a big smile "congratulations!when are you due?"
"thats the problem"I said,"I'm not"
"oh"she said.
Oh.

She gave my an internal anal exam (ouch) and said :you need to go to the emergency room right away.I'll ring and tell them that you are coming.
I rang Manchild and he left work to come with me,our mum's took shifts looking after MissK.
They run a triage system at Wellington Hospital A and E, so the receptionist asked me how much pain i was in.I said "I gave birth last year and this is much much more painful."
"Than giving birth?"he asked
"yep" By that stage it actually felt as though something was ripping apart inside my stomach,the pain was really very extreme.
They took me in almost straight away.

the first nurse who examined me didnt want to give me any pain relief because she said it would make the constipation worse.
"A bit late for that dont you think?"Manchild said.
the second nurse who came in took one look at me and said "I'm getting you Morphine".
So i tried Morphine and for the first time in 10 years my stomach stopped hurting.I couldn't stop the big Morphine induced grin that spread across my face.
Manchild laughed "I think thats the first time I've seen you smile this week" he said.
"its been a tough week"i replied.

I was in A&E for a while before they figured out what was wrong.
They gave me a suppository (to no avail) and took x rays."stand up straight" the x ray lady said but i couldn't because my stomach wouldnt stretch out any more.
At 11 that night a doctor came in and gave me another internal exam.A nurse was with me and i was very very scared."you have a massive tumour blocking your rectum and bowel"he said 'i can see it without the help of the scope-its so large"
"a tumour?"i said grabbing tight to the nurses hand what was he saying?
"You have cancer- Do you want me to ring someone?I have to take you in for surgery now.i dont think that your stomach will last the night without rupturing"
"I cant tell them" i said,shocked "You'll have to"
So he rang my mum and she came down to the hospital (manchild was at home with MissK)
Then i rang manchild.Then i went for surgery.

That first hospital experience was awful just because i didnt have any knowledge at all of what was happening,what was going to happen or what any of the information that the doctors were telling me actually meant. But i do clearly remember once the discomfort of surgery had worn off thinking what a miracle it was to have that horrible awful constant nagging pain in my abdomen GONE.
it was a wonderful wonderful wonderful feeling.

pre diagnosis 3

2011-12-01T08:36:00.004+13:00

At the end of 2006 Manchild and i took a road trip down the West Coast of the South Island to visit my Dad and Step Mum for our (me and Manchild's ) birthdays.
At this point i could no longer make solid bowel motions,everything was runny and watery (ewww,right?Sorry about the honesty!). My stomach would sometimes be fine and sometimes be swollen and tight and painful. i suspect that even when it was fine,it was probably still sore - i had just adjusted by then.

I had one particularly bad spell while we were down there and Manchild INSISTED that i go and see the local doctor.
"no point" i said, "I know whats wrong with me - i've got dodgy guts and i'm blocked up"
"its not right" said he.
"Maybe not" i replied "but its just the way it is".
I went anyway because he wanted me to. The doctor had a good feel of my tummy and told me that i was constipated. But it REALLY hurts,i told him.I have these cramps where i almost have to bend over because they hurt so much.
Constipation can be incredibly painful,he told me.
Too right it can,i thought.
He offered me a script for Metamucil but i told him that i already had some.
(- i realise now that i neglected to say that when MrI and MissE were living with me i started taking the metamucil religiously,the biggest dose you can,daily.No dice.)

A couple of things about what i was thinking at this point-
Although i had stopped seeing the therapist and my moods (and life!) were much much better,in the back of my mind i was fearful that they were right about the bi-polar and that i was just on a good cycle. I was still thinking that it was my own tension and anxiety that was causing these problems and that as none of the remedies that i had been prescribed had worked, it was my own body/mind that was causing issues.
In short- i thought that when i finally got my life sorted and happy,my body rhythms would come right.
Also my Dad and brother both suffer from sensitive stomachs so it wasnt an uncommon complaint in my family.

I was so happy with manchild though that it was easy to mostly block everything else out-we were out having fun all the time and i was working hard to try and achieve the 'balance' in my life that i thought would make everything come right and return to the way it used to be.
in March/April 2007 i decided to get a smear test. I hadnt had one for quite a few years and i knew of manchild's last girlfriends fondness for infidelity - so i went to the doctor to get a full check up and make sure that there were no nasties being passed from the ex,to him and to me.
I was stunned and devastated when they called me back a few days later to say that the smear had come back abnormal and that i would have to go to the hospital to get part of my cervix removed. I had never been to the hospital before and was as healthy as a horse (i thought).
I cried on the phone when the nurse told me,i cried when i told my mum and i cried when i told manchild.Both mum and manchild turned up at work (where i was when i received the nurses call) with gifts to cheer me up. It didnt really work but it was lovely all the same.

What i knew about cancer at that time was barely nothing:You get it and your lifes over (i thought). You get it because YOU have done something to cause it (smoking etc). If you are healthy and live a healthy lifestyle you WONT get it (haha).
I had (and still was to a large degree) lived an obsessively healthy lifestyle,got plenty of exercise and had never smoked or taken drugs- HOW could this be happening to me??

Around this time i stopped working for a family that i loved very much.I was already down to part time hours with them and after the news about the cervical cancer i just felt too stretched,like if i kept trying to keep all these balls in the court something was going to go PING in my head and it might not be un-ping-able.

I went and had the treatment done very shortly after i received the news of the abnormal smear.The doctor warned me that the cervix may find it hard to hold a pregnancy because thay had cuts parts out so it was weakened (and the parts that have been cut out dont grow back).
thats ok, i thought- i had been told when i was 22 that due to some medical issues from when i was a teenager that i would not be having kids and i had not used birth control for the last 8 years...and had not had kids.

Within 2 weeks of the procedure being done i was pregnant.
Deliriously happy and PREGNANT!!!!!! I was thrilled,totally over the moon with joy.
The pregnancy was very hard but it was my first pregnancy so i didnt know any better. I was sick for the first trimester and lost 5-6 kgs (my weight had dropped from approx 74kg premanchild days, to 59kg now) but morning sickness (or all day sickness in my case) is hardly anything new.
I think i put on 9-10kgs during the entire pregnancy. I was terrified that i would lose the baby and did everything in my power to make sure that my cervix held this baby in!!
I look back on those photos and i look ill.But i was pregnant and i thought you were meant to be ill when youre pregnant - i obviously wasnt going to be one of those lucky ladies who bloomed and blossomed but that was ok,i made up for it in happiness.
Plus on the practical side, i no longer had to suck my tummy in and all the abdominal aches and pains that i was feeling could be put down to the baby and body changes.
My midwife and the literature all assured me that constipation was normal and to just stay healthy.
Unfortunately we were still using film then so i cant put any photos on here for you but i didnt look well.

My stomach muscles also ruptured during pregnancy which was pretty painful,I'm not sure whether it was from the tumour that was growing and pushing my organs around- i (obviously) did not know it at the time but the cancer was all through my uterus and this little baby was struggling to grow alongside that muck.
I got bigger and bigger (and happier and happier).
My waters broke on the evening of Jan 24 (the day after my Dad's birthday) and we headed to the hospital the next morning after a pretty sleepless night.
The baby's heart rate was plummeting everytime i was having a contraction so it was decided that i needed drugs to get things moving (goodbye water birth!) -oxytocin,is it? And an epidural to reduce the pain.
Contractions started and then STOPPED as MissK's heartrate plummeted again and my body refused to push her out. My (amazing) midwife called in four different doctors at different times during my labour and each one told her she was overreacting.
She waited until 5pm for the epidural to wear off,hoping that it was that that was stopping the contractions.

Finally she took matters into her own hands (and thank goodness my mother in law,who is a nurse, was also there) and had a look inside me and realised that the cord was wrapped twice around MissK's neck and that it was strangling her each time i had a contraction.
My contractions had completely stopped but she told me i had to push NOW or we were going to lose the baby.I remember thinking 'not now,we cant have gone through all this to lose her now' and pushing so hard that it felt like my head would explode and again and again. My midwife managed to reach around MissK's head and snip the cord (while she was still inside me ) so that baby could come out.
She was bright blue and not breathing but My mother in law and midwife got her going and the happiest sound i ever heard was MissK's first holler.

check out the colour of MissK's hand.She was blue and then WHITE before the pink kicked in.Check out the happiness on her mama's face

Pre diagnosis #2

2011-11-30T08:26:00.000+13:00

By my calculations i must be about up to 2003/4 by now - my apologies to anyone who picks up on any timeline inconsistencies,i remember a lot of events but its been quite a feat to try to assemble them into chronological order in my head.

In December 03 (i think!!!!) me and MrS ended our relationship and i fell apart,really fell apart.
I moved into my own flat in Crofton Downs and lived on my own for the first time in ages. It was lonely and i didnt sleep much.My eating went crazy as i rigidly tried to control every aspect of my life that i could.
I was still eating super healthy and not much of it,i had constant stomach pain and i was only having a bowel motion every 3-4 days.

The funny thing about constant pain is that it sort of sneaks up on you. When i think back it seems unbelievable that i tolerated it but at the time it was a bit like this :
it started off very low grade until that just became part of my life,like eating or sleeping.Then a year or so later it was a bit worse and again i thought 'i cant live with this' but then your body (which really IS an amazing piece of machinery) readjusts and realigns itself until that pain is just part of your everyday life too....and so it goes.Till one day (for me it was Feb 2009) you wake up to whats going on and say 'there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me!!!!'
But anyways, back to 2004-

The other thing that was going on at that time was that my teeth (which have always been a huge problem and hadnt been tended to,apart from brushing,since high school) were giving me MAJOR gripes. I couldn't eat anything even vaguely hard like apples or chippies.
I was inhaling nurofen to deal with the teeth and stomach and i thought in the back of my mind that it was a possibility that my stomach pains came from the infection in my mouth being carried around my body.
The saviour of my sanity arrived one day in the form of MrI and his new girlfriend MissE (who i had never met before) moving into my poky little flat when their old flat disbanded.
I soon discovered that MissE had a golden soul and it was magic having the two of them for company.

Things took another change for me around this time (I'm guessing 2005ish) - i was hungry ALL the time (seriously,all the time) and with MissE in the house to join me i gladly ditched the obsessive healthy eating for mostly healthy eating combined with lots of drinking (alcohol).
By now i was only able to have a bowel motion when i was pretty drunk and my body was totally relaxed.
It shortly progressed to the point where i would get drunk several nights a week with the sole purpose of trying to get some action and relief from my body.
I couldn't quite understand how i could be SO hungry all the time when it didnt seem like much was coming out the other end (no doubt an oncologist could tell you why).

My upper K9 finally gave in and my whole face swelled up in the most agonising infection (honestly - get your teeth sorted! believe me that it only gets worse not better!).
MissE had just started going to a good dentist so i went along,got my tooth pulled and for the next 18 months had weekly appointments to get the rest of my mouth fixed up. I, of course, thought that once the infection was gone,maybe,just maybe,my guts would all sort themselves out but this didnt happen.

Meanwhile,emotionally i was very up in the air.i would swing between ridiculously happy and ridiculously unhappy- it must've been hell for MrI and MissE to live with. I was so moody,constantly in pain and worried,despite another visit to a doctor (who told me i was suffering from constipation and gave me a script for metamucil).
I was drinking a lot and eating a lot,still always hungry.
MissE was also suffering from a lot of body related issues borne from stress at work. So i busily self diagnosed myself from what the doctors had been telling her. Finally lovely MissE sat me down and told me she knew a lovely doctor and that i should go see her and have myself checked out again -mental state as well as physical (good advice as i really was all over the place mood wise).

The doctor (who was lovely) checked me out,felt my tummy. Told me i was constipated, listened to my tale of anxiety and weight loss from when i was 18 and referred me to a therapist.
I went off to see the therapist who listened to me telling him that there was something wrong with me,and that i felt that there was something black growing inside of me.
I told him about my dreams of being consumed from within and that there was something WRONG with me.
He asked bout my parents and my childhood (*smiley face at the cliche response*) and told me that i was mildly bi polar,hence the mood swings and negative thoughts.
To my shame to this very day,i believed him (after all, he was the professional and professionals are always right,right?) and told my bosses and my Father (who were all fabulous).

I was still drinking excessively because it made the pain go away for a while and at the end of 2005 (Mr I and MissE ) got engaged and moved back in with the parents to save for a house (and probably a degree of self preservation and a break from living with me).
I MISSED them so much and for quite a while continued drinking on my own from boredom and for escape in the evenings. I threw myself into a couple a relationships that although they lasted,were never going to LAST.
My stomach area in late 2005 was quite bloated and protruded,i just thought that i was fat.

In 2006 Manchild made a reappearance in my life (yay!). He had a broken leg and was off work,came over to watch a movie one day and never left again.
His last girlfriend had left a lot of damage behind her so the next 6 -12 months required a lot of emotional investment from me,into him. It took my mind off the other issues that were going on plus i was SO happy that my mood swings mostly evened out (well,it seemed that way to me anyway).
I had stopped going to the therapist because the things he was telling me didnt seem to fit right and i didnt want to be medicated.
Manchild and i had also made a pact to stop the drinking (mostly a sacrifice on my part since he usually drove so didnt drink) and he told me that the nurofen that i was still guzzling (to cope with the stomach pains) actually caused stomach pain if you took too many and on an empty stomach (both things that i did).
I stopped taking the Nurofen cold turkey (which was a bit hellish after having them daily since 2001) and my stomach pain and bloating did ease up quite a bit.
Around this time the nausea also kicked up another notch and i started losing weight (which i was thrilled about at the time).I was still always hungry but the weight started dropping off (about bloody time,i thought).
I was tired all the time,mostly manchild would drop me at work and pick me up so i wasnt walking anymore.
We would sit down to watch a movie in the evening and i would fall asleep- it was crazy,i would be fighting to force myself to stay awake but every evening i would be asleep on the sofa at 8pm (or whenever it was).
I was 29 and just figured i was getting old.

Pre disgnosis

2011-11-29T15:21:00.001+13:00

I've had quite a few people ask me how life was before the diagnosis so i thought i might try and tackle that- It will probably take me a few entries since I'll be trying to cover 10 years worth of my life (and no doubt forgetting half of it along the way ..) but here goes-

When the doctors at the hospital first told me that the cancer had been in my body for approx 10 years,everyone was stunned and shocked except me.
With hindsight i can almost pinpoint the day in 1999 that i first noticed that things were going a bit wonky with my body. Unfortunetly for me it was with my bowels and ,heavens above, there was NO way i was planning to talk or let on to anyone that there was something strange about my toileting habits!!
To put it simply - before this time i had never paid any attention to my bowels,they had done their thing and i let them get on with it!. Then i started noticing that i felt really ill and nauseous when i needed to 'go' followed by the realisation that i was only going every few days (which,i figured, was why i was feeling ill).
So my first trip to the GP happened around this time. I got a virtual pat on the head and a script for Metumucil (which i have to admit i didnt take) and told to eat more fruit and veges and get more exercise (anyone who knows how much i used to walk should be laughing out loud by now!) .

I went home miffed,vowing not to waste my money on anymore GP visits (little did i know what the future held!).
Slowly things got worse,i was single by this stage so there wasn't anybody around to notice what was going on with me and i did a damn good job of hiding it. I had frequent stomach pains and i started planning my walking routes around public toilets as i wouldn't be able to have a bowel motion for days and then would suddenly have to go right NOW.
It seems crazy writing this all out - how many warning signs did i need?!!! But please keep in mind that i'm covering a 10 year time frame and i did go to MANY gp's and came away being told that i suffered from cronic constipation so i thought it was something that i would just have to learn how to manage.

In 2001 a close friend and i moved down to Christchurch for a while- i had secretly hoped that a change of scene and lifestyle would clean up my body a bit but no such luck. I was using exercise to 'regulate' myself at this point and had put on quite a bit of weight,going for long walks at nighttime. I remember noticing that i was finding physical activity much more tiring than it used to be but i just put it down to drinking too much and staying up too late.

In 2002 i moved back to Wellington for work,temporarily at first and then permanently as the windy city worked it charms on me (like it always does!). I got into a new relationship and was generally pretty happy with things but was really feeling the strain of trying to keep how i was feeling and what my body was doing a secret from the Man of the Moment (MrS).
I remember eating one evening and having to go and lie down because i was feeling so ill- this is pretty much where the constant nausea starts. Nausea that was just there all the time.
I largely ignored it as much as i could - i had been treated for anxiety for a number of years when i was 18 and the major side effect of that was that i stopped eating and lost 2 stone in a matter of weeks. Because of this i was conditioned to food often making me feel ill and coached myself to believe that it was just a response to thoughts in my head rather than actual true feelings of illness.

I went on a crazy health kick after the nausea started. I stopped drinking, eating sugar, any kind of takeaways and processed foods and put myself on Dr Sandra Cabot's Liver Cleansing Diet. Lots of roughage,LSA and natural liver cleansing foods. I cut out wheat, Gluten,sugar, salt....nearly everything! And stayed off it all for over two years hoping that that would cleanse out whatever bad foods were blocking me up.
I started drinking Psyllium husks mixed with water (ewwww) and Aloe vera juice (ewwww ewwwww) and various other 'miracle' cures but no joy. Looking back on this stage of my life i think i must not have been a very fun person to know. I was ashamed of my weight,ashamed of my body's behaviour and a bit crazy in the head about my eating habits. I was ABSOLUTELY determined that i could control what was happening to me (and change it) by sticking with the changed lifestyle plan.
By this stage i had seen at least one more doctor (i went to different doctors each time so that i could get an unbiased consultation) and had the same evaluation so i was SURE that it was something that i was doing wrong that was causing these issues.
I think that deep down i thought my body was punishing me for starving it for so many years in the past - seems like crazy talk now but thats what i thought.

Slowly the eating habits got more and more extreme-
I knew about irritable bowel syndrome and this seemed to tick a lot of the boxes about what was happening to me so i tried to incorporate the tricks for managing IBS into my lifestyle as well.
i ate lots of tuna and peas and LSA. LSA on everything! Heaps of it on breakfast, lunch and dinner.And lots of tuna. And lots of peas! i tried not to block myself up with any carbs but i still wasnt losing any weight or feeling any better.
I didnt like to see any of my old friends because i felt like a old worn out shell of the fun, life loving person that i had been.
I remember running into Manchild on the street during this time (us both dating other people at the time) and being MORTIFIED that he had seen me (AND it was that daggy period when sweat pants were actually COOL! Oh the shame!!!) bloated and blotchy skinned. He remembers the incident also and says he was mortified that i had ignored him and then he wondered if it was actually me because i looked and acted so differently than when he had last seen me.
He summed it up nicely. i felt like a was a completely different person than i used to be too.

2011-11-15T08:23:00.001+13:00

I'm loving the oncoming Christmas rush,and especially loving the excuse to think outside my box and spend a bit of time gathering some unique NZ gifts for my oldest school friends kids.
Its been a privilage to be with these friends of mine during the (primary in one case!) school days,post school 'what am i going to do with my life?' days, getting miffed that they found their soul mate and i hadnt yet days (got over it!), marriage, , miscarriages, longing for kids, relationships trials, easy pregnancies ,hard births and finally the much anticipated babies. In the midst of all that drama were many many many happy times,discoveries about ourselves and life and the realisation that we were the kind of friendship that was going to be hard to get rid of.

I read a great quote that made me think of writing this post.It goes:
'Friends are like walls.Sometimes you lean on them and sometimes its enough to know they are there'.Which is certainly true in my life.
Although they both live overseas now, i love waking up in the morning and finding unexpected texts or emails from a different time zone and knowing that on the other side of the world someone had been thinking about me.
I love that that it takes a little bit more effort to keep in touch but that its worth it.
I love that we all understand that life is busy and that it goes without saying that we all think of each often even if we dont have time (or energy) to sit and write HUGE letters like we used to.
I love being part of watching my honorary nieces and nephew growing and being able to justify spoiling them mercilessly because i cant be there everyday.
i love that my friends (M and M,confusingly) remember me how i was not how i am and i hope they know that they will never ever grow up in my memory.

Every year as Christmas approaches i wish that i could be with them and their families on Christmas morning and miss them terribly when i'm not. But I've got my sights fixed on it so its going to happen one day,dragging Manchild and Missk across the oceans with me for a white Christmas in France or a not-so-white Christmas in Geelong just so they can watch me and my much loved soul-sisters make spectacles of ourselves.
It will happen.
But til then,lovely ones (and My brothers,wives and their gorgeous,divine,wonderous children overseas) we think of you everyday.

2011-11-07T20:54:00.002+13:00

In for a visit with the oncologist at the hospital today and they gave me the brilliant news that my bloodwork from last week came back really well and the most current round of tests were all fine.I've lost a bit of weight but not enough to really concern them. My next MRI is in March,colonoscopy in Feb and 2 more hospital visits this month.

When i went into the hospital it was a warm but overcast day and my stomach was churning.
When i came out all the clouds had cleared away,blue skies with hot sun- and i felt as light as air.
The world looked brighter,and smelt fresher than it had an hour ago.
I came home brimming with abundant good feeling and looked around our home at all the amzing blessings this spring day.
Here's a few that i found:
(I'm afraid,it being spring and all there is a general gardening theme!)

MY herb garden.I've wanted one for as long as I've been cooking and its flourishing in the original laundry tubs around the side of our house

We have been waiting and waiting and waiting for the mystery tree in our backyard to flower. And finally it is.And they are PURPLE.absolutely stunning. I cant wait til the whole tree is in bloom.

Ahhh spring. Nothing like witnessing new (bean ) growth

Peas. In our vege garden. mmmmm peas fresh from the pod.(I'm not supposed to eat them anymore- but who can resist peas??)

we lucked out amazingly by welcoming a new kitten into our home who already feels as if he has been part of our family forever. Meet our gorgeous, smoochie, purry , wonderfully lovable Mr Slinky,or the Slinkster as he's more generally known

And i cant possibly end this post without a nod to recent Guys Fawkes night. Fun fun fun. xx

2011-11-04T17:54:00.002+13:00

I'm sure that whoever may be reading this might've noticed - the last month has been rather up and down.
I've just come to the end of week 5 of having UTI's every single week plus worrying (over nothing) about the pre assessment and also having been commissioned to do a blanket which had turned into a nightmare to find a fabric and design that suited everyone involved.
Add in my darling MissK having a few restless nights sleep and the general Christmas pick up in social life/organising Christmas presents for overseas posting etc etc and most days i felt like i was walking through treacle and not getting anywhere!

Well today I've had enough! I'm forgetting the last 4 weeks and starting on a lovely clean crease free page. And the first thing i am doing (because being a woman,i have emotions tied up in all sorts of items around our home) is taking apart the first blanket that i ever made (missK's winter duvet) and sewing it properly.
The reason that I'm doing this is because i think of that duvet a bit like my illness- When i first made it i was SO pleased and proud that i stuck it out and finished it. I could hardly believe what i had done- never mind the ugly corners,uneven stitches and bunching at the back.
Same with my chemo treatment- i was SO pleased that i had met the challange head on and followed it through right to the end.
But now....
Now everytime i look at it i think 'duvet:i love you but really....'
Which is what i found myself doing over this last month - no longer thinking 'WOW i did that.How strong and fabulous am i ?' but instead 'sheesh....life:i love you but really...'

So my game plan is to unpick the duvet, add fresh wadding, fresh backing with letters handstitched in that say 'we heart you kaylin' (which is what i always wanted to do with it but was too impatient last time round) and make it a little larger so it fits her bed properly.
I'm hoping that this project will be enough to alter my mindset a little so that once again i can look at it and think 'Oh yes, I did that, isnt life grand' instead of just noticing the things that weren't the way i wanted them to be.
Add in a couple of decent nights sleep and I'll be away laughing.

So far I've completely unstitched the topper - which took a whole day and evening. I'm not rushing,I'm just doing it perfectly (Perfectly being :to the best of my abilities).

waiting for its new lease of life

oh and to all the lovely people who have asked me about how the pre assessment went: It went fine. Apart from finding out how many days in advance i had to stop eating (hmmm) and them trying to schedule it on missK's birthday (i said thanks but no thanks,pick another day please). So the procedure will be done at the beginning of Feb- I plan on putting it out of my head and enjoying Christmas,my birthday,Manchilds birthday,New years and Missk's birthday before i even vaguely think of it again!!

Yep, life can be hard.
Yep, life can be a drag...
But only if i LET it.

2011-10-26T08:04:00.001+13:00

So tomorrows the pre assessment and i'm feeling fine.
Well,as fine as you can feel about having to get myself and a three year old organised, fed and to the hospital by 8:30 in the MORNING!!!
I took my own advice this long weekend and (did my best) to make the most of everyday. To keep my patience,hold my tongue,smile a lot,cook a lot and cuddle those i love as much as they would let me - and i feel much better for it. All filled up inside if you know what i mean.

I found this fabulous quote by John Lennon when i was cruising around cyberspace and it goes a little something like this:

It made me think a bit about how we view ourselves.A freak to himself maybe but one of the world's finest musical geniuses to a lot of us - which in turn got me to thinking about the people i know who really know me,despite the harsh judgments i may make of myself.

We went up the coast for an old friends birthday party on Saturday-well,she's not actually old (of course not,since she's the same age as me and I'm still 23 in my head) but we've known each other for close to 20 years now,which is a big chunk of my life.
We dont see each other very often these days but it was pretty magical being able to let it all hang out with someone who's been there through everything- schooldays,fighting over crushes (but i saw him first!!),laughing til we cry,wagging school,dance parties,drinking,working,flatting,the low times,the up times,the birth of my daughter and of course the big diagnosis and beyond.

I had to pinch myself.Yes,thats my daughter getting to know people that i went to school with!!!
These people to MissK will be the 'friends of mum and dad' that she remembers as she grows up- which of course made me pinch myself again - oh my goodness does that mean that i am now an adult???!!
It boggles my mind to think that i am the same age as my parents when they had me and how old i must seem to my three year old.
I swear,the years have just flown past.So many wonderful amazing years.So many incredible events.So many more to come.

The look on missK's face when i told her that we (Me,MissM,MissT and MrL) all went to school together was a bit priceless. Her mouth dropped open and her expression clearly read :
'You? Her?Him? Were children once? I'm not sure i believe that.Are you just tricking me???'
Just you wait Missk- before you know it your own children will be giving you that same look.

one for manchild

2011-10-21T21:22:00.001+13:00

I've been stashing away fabrics for Manchilds blanket for ages.
He said when i first started making them that he would like one sometime,whenever i had the time to make it.
This evening my Mum had MissK overnight and Manchild came home exhausted and headed to bed for a nap before the Australia/Wales bronze cup match....
So i got busy!! Frantically busy to get it finished in time to curl up under and watch the rugger.
this is what i ended up with-

it was harder than i would've believed to find decent boy fabric,let alone fabric for a grown boy- but after some hunting i was happy with what i got

Loving the flames,loving the little bits of man-advice,the skulls and the barbed wire.
And best of all....

So did he .

2011-10-21T08:10:00.000+13:00

Isn't it funny how after a while even miracles become tarnished,abit like when you live in a house with an awe inspiring view but over time you stop seeing it.
I seem to have lost sight of the big picture over the last few weeks,bogged down with the day to day slog of tiredness,a defiant,rule-rejecting preschooler,rebellious body and constant niggling worry about the future and finances.

The fact of the matter is that no matter which way that you look at it - I'm here in this world and even the hard times are a gift when the choice is to be alive or not be alive.
In its own way its so easy to be grateful and appreciative when a huge life changing event is taking place (even if its intensely scary!)- it makes you see that awe inspiring view all over again.
It's the daily life that its easy to get lost in. Every now and then we get a sharp reminder of what we have.
Mine came this week when i was reading about a friends Zumbathon to raise money for a 32 year old who had died from cancer (i hope i have all my facts right) and obviously,as that was my age when i was diagnosed, it was as if someone had just dumped abucket of ice cold water on my head and yelled "Buck UP lil Missy!!! Look what you have and be grateful!!!! Dont just sit there,make the MOST of it because it could have all been so different"

And indeed it could have.
There would have been a time when i would've heard that news and thought '32 years old?gosh thats sad' but now i cant help wonder about the family that she left behind. The people that loved her who will miss her every day. What and who she could have been and i wonder how you would even start living with that kind of loss but i guess that that is the investment that we make in our lives,if you give deeply you will received deeply but the flip side is that you may also lose deeply.
A close friend said to me recently that becoming a parent has made her more fatalistic- she suddenly became aware of all the things that could go wrong in the world.
I know what she means,embarrassing to admit but i cry in movies where children die these days -even grown up children and even corny movies. MissK has opened up a whole wonderous part of myself that i never knew exsisted.
But its frightening too and i know that is what I'm finding so hard about the upcoming tests.
After having gone through the cancer challenge once i had my eyes opened to what i had in my life and now I'm twice as scared to lose it.

Maybe the way to look at it is not to waste the next two weeks worrying about whats coming up but instead to spend the next two weeks relishing every boring,hard,funny,exciting,wonderful aspect of my life just in case.
That wonderful defiant preschooler of mine is showing me tenacity that will help her achieve what she wants in her life,that wonderful manchild of mine who sometimes comes home tired and grouchy is pushing himself to exhaustion to provide for his family. There is a flip side to every situation,i just have to work harder to see it.

The most wonderous thing I can think of is not even tangible.
If it all went pear shaped tomorrow,MissK is of an age now where she would have memories of me- when she wouldn't have 2 years ago when i was 32. I'm grateful in a way that i cant describe for that.Hopefully she will remember long mornings snuggled in bed reading books,baking cakes,splashing in puddles,chasing the dogs in the backyard,picnics,playgrounds and lots and lots of TIME together over the last 2 and half years.
Tell me again what more i could possibly wish for?

2011-10-13T12:38:00.001+13:00

You are all amazing.
When i wrote the last post i felt like i was facing the next scary event in my life alone but so many wonderful people have rung or messaged to say that they are thinking of me and i am in their prayers that i wonder how i could've ever thought such a foolish thing.

Thank you everyone for reminding me that it is better to experience life- no matter what is thown at us- than to sit on the sideline and watch it all go by.
I'll stay positive.
I owe you one x

2011-10-10T11:37:00.000+13:00

I received my appointment date for next (minor) surgery pre assessment - it's on the 27th of this month and to be honest I'm really scared.
It's only the pre assessment but it does mean that the surgery date will be soon after and although its only a colonoscopy and i know that i've been through a lot worse,its the fact that they will be looking for more cancer thats turning me to liquid jelly on the inside.
I've been in a bit of a funk this morning,i haven't been feeling on top of things for the last few weeks and i sat there this morning,obstinately making my coffee last 3 times longer than necessary (because MissK had generously promised that i wouldn't have to move off the sofa until my coffee had been consumed) wondering WHERE i would manage to find the energy to go back to battle if they do find anything.

Cancer has taken more out of me than i could ever have imagined i could give.
Its a struggle to live with the result of all the treatment and operations and its hard to explain that even on a good day I'm only firing on two cylinders. I feel like i constantly short change MissK (oh the irony of having a hugely active child when I'm sluggish at the best of times!!) in the parenting department.

MissK- the sneaky smarty pants that she is suggested that i put some music on from her special 'dance' playlist of fast songs. Then even sneakier she suggested that i put on the 'cat song' (If i ever feel better by phoenix) which she knows full well always gets me up and dancing. Strangely the lyrics also seem VERY appropriate today and it was a timely reminder that i cant control everything it my life.
Life is a chaotic event and sometimes we just have to let it wash over us and draw strength to do what is needed when it is needed.
And theres probably not much point worrying about it until then.

2011-10-06T12:54:00.001+13:00

I wanted to write a quick postscript to my earlier blog about the difference that a positive way of approaching a situation can make:

MissK is now three and a half and a total water baby. She will spend as long in the bath as i let her (literally hours at a time if she can!) and adores the shower ...but HATES getting water in her eyes. She has long hair that needs either washing or conditioning every two days to keep on top of the knots.
So,as you can imagine,hairwashing in the shower has always been a trial involving screaming,yelling,thrashing around and lots of MissK sobbing "no Mummy no! Stop stop stop stop stop!!!!".
Heartbreaking and hard on both of us.

Well,blow me down last week- she said to me (without any suggestion from myself) "I'm going to laugh not cry when you wash my hair today Mummy"
"Are you?" i replied in heavily skeptical tones
She proceeded to get into the shower and wet her hair herself,i lathered her head up and picked her up to get her close enough to the shower head to wash the suds out...
And she closed her eyes and started laughing. Truely she did.
Obviously it was a put on laugh not a real one.But it wasnt kicking screaming or yelling either.
I finished rinsing the shampoo out and put her back down and she went back to playing with her bath toys.

After her shower i asked her why she had decided to laugh when i was washing her hair and she told me that she "likes laughing" and that it "makes washing easier".
Words of wisdom from a three year old.
Exactly the same situation that she has fought tooth and nail her whole life,and used a lot of tears and energy letting me know how much she dislikes. And now she's decided to approach it from a happier point of view and it is a BREEZE for all involved.

We've had several showers since then and she's done exactly the same thing each time.
Amazing.Sometimes kids just knock my socks off.

We have had day after day after day of rain in Wellington this week. MissK and i finally walked to the supermarket in the grey drizzle just to get out of the house yesterday.
On our way we found the most amazing blossom tree and i was reminded that all this Spring rain was feeding all the new life that the world was growing.
Beauty even in the murk!

2011-09-30T17:57:00.004+13:00

So...
by far one of the best things that we did when we moved house was (i never thought i would say this!) NOT putting any of our mirrors up.
Yes,you read that right.
In our old flat we had 2 full length mirrors (the one in our room made a person taller and slimmer and was basically pretty fab),one on the bathroom cabinet and another smaller one in Missk's room.
Actually its not really true that we haven't put any mirrors up-we put the small one from MissK's room up on the new bathroom windowsill because,hey! A girl's got to see to tweeze or it could just be disastrous!
BUT in it you cannot see any part of your body and none of them are in MissK's eyesight at all.

I never thought that i would relish living in a mirror free household but i have noticed (a bit like scales) if they are there,a person can become a little bit obsessed with checking in on them all the time - well at least i do,and i noticed that the little Miss seemed to be picking up on my bad habits.

I always thought that a mirror in the house was necessary to ensure that you are presenting your best self to the outside world but I've actually come to find in the 6 months that we have been here that:
not only do i NOW present my best self to the outside world because i am free of worrying about what the outside of me looks like
But,surprisingly,i actually really do represent myself better in my clothing choices because i dont unpick myself (and my body image) once i look in the mirror. I (literally) make an instinctive choice abut which clothes i think will look best together and then i go and put them on. And i enjoy wearing them all day long.
I'm bolder in my clothing choices (because i no longer look at my reflection and think "i look ridiculous in that!").I wear what appeals to me,what feels good and what i want to have on my skin.

Even more surprisingly i dress tidier now.I 'dress up' more than i did before. I'm enjoying myself and the event of dressing more. And i am adoring my daughter no longer checking herself out on every reflective surface in the house- she has more than enough time for those worries later in life.

Not that it hasnt taken a bit of adjusting to - i think manchild (strangely) found it hardest (i was waaaayyy over mirrors the first time my stoma prolapsed) And i am SURE that i have left the house in all manner of random assortment of clothing.
But thats what i wanted to wear at that time,thats how i was feeling that day and i'm fine with that- happy even,now that i think about it.

One day last week MissK and I even wandered down to kindy in our big cat masks - me a tiger and her THE most adorable black n white oversized housecat i've ever seen.And i was fine with that too because ,truth be told, i WAS feeling particularly tigerish that day ...

my lil tiger

...Now if only i had a stripey jumpsuit with tail to match.

2011-09-20T14:36:00.001+12:00

After another morning started with rain, a housebound restless preschooler and myself on week three of illness i had to remind myself not to be taking all the wonderous things in my life for granted.
I went on a grateful hunt - here's a few of my faves for today...

This may look like just a door to you but MissK is at the age where nap time is met with much resistance! Behind this door my little one blissfully slumbers....

Manchild and i will be out AFTER dark tonight!! I cant wait! A movie! Of my favourite band! And i'll be seeing it with my favourite person! Did i mention that i cant wait??

One of my favourite possessions,shipped over to me from the States as i surprise gift from MM. I cruise through it every night before sleep.

Yes its a basic machine but i love it.
Yes, its our kitchen/dining room table but it works and I'm glad to have it.

My remaining much loved cat,I'm so grateful to have you. I was very worried that Wasabi would leave home when Mo died but he's still here ... watch this space,we're on the lookout for the perfect companion

And BLUE sky and sunshine after all that rain and cold.

Yes I'm a happy and lucky girl to be here living this day.

Hope youre all having one as great as mine

Goodbye Mojo

2011-09-17T15:15:00.001+12:00

I hate loss. And death. Death i can mostly manage since its a part of life that i accept but the absence of the life force that was there is such a hard thing to bare.
I'm not being morbid or dwelling on dark thoughts but my cat died this morning and i miss him enormously.
A cat. I know, i know its only a cat right?

He was my old boy though.Before i met Manchild- back in the days when i was prone to random fits of crying at odd times day or night- he was the one that would snuggle up next to me and purr til i felt better.
Once Manchild and i had moved in together - and i was now given to laughing at odd times day and night- he got shut out of the bedroom for the first time and he would sit outside the door and headbutt it until i caved and opened it for him.

He came to me second hand,a cat who would shoot out the catdoor as soon as he heard steps coming down the front path,usually not returning for 6-12 hours later. I slowly saw him coming out of his shell and morphing into the purriest,cuddliest,friendliest cat you ever met.
Since he has been with me, our little family of two has grown and grown and grown...expanding to me,him,2 large dogs,1 other crazy cat,manchild,MissK and 36 fish. With each addition Old Mo got grouchier and grumpier until we started calling him by two names : Mojo when he was good natured and Mojo jojo (you power puff girls fans will know what i mean by that name!) when he was not!.
He ruled the household with an iron claw and heaven help any dog noses foolish enough to get in his way.

Manchild,MissK and the old boy

He and my other cat Wasabi were inseparable -wasabi loved the rain and was always up to mischief. He would come home,soaking wet and covered in all sorts of debris and lie down infront of Mo like a sultan and Mo would obligingly lick him from top to tail until he was clean dry and fluffy once more. This morning Wasabi has been wandering around looking as lost as i feel.

MissK was the one who surprised me,although we had been preparing her for weeks about what was going to happen,she was absolutely shattered when he died. She cried so hard that she couldn't speak for about half an hour,utter devestation at losing her first pet and constant companion.She was inconsolable- really truely understanding that Mo would not be coming back.

I have to tell you though The strangest thing happened this morning- one of those moments that make you realise that there might be something more going on in the universe than we know about.(i swear this story is the absolute truth)
When we got out of bed Mo was curled up in the grass and it was obvious that he was having trouble breathing.We got him a bowl of milk and helped him to drink some,we werent sure how long he was going to last-hopefully another few days but we didnt want him to be in un necessary pain.
Mike went out to see his dad and i was sewing at the kitchen table. About 40 mins passed and then i suddenly said "Oh my God!!!" REALLY loudly and scrambled up from the table and ran outside as fast as i could.
Mo had moved to his side and as i watched and stroked his head he took his last breath and died.
I dont know what made me run outside at that moment but i am incredibly grateful,for me and for Mo, that we were together when his life ended.
I love you boy.We will never forget you or stop missing you.