The Journey to BE(th)

Thoughts on Release

2012-09-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

Something happened to me this week which has released a lot of pent-up stress within my body. I find myself happier, lighter, clearer-minded and generally, over all, more blissful.

Now, before y’all go jumpin’ in the gutter, it’s not THAT. It is something quite different. Something most would consider horrendous, shameful, and would qualify as an out-and-out failure. I assure you, I do not feel like a failure. For the first time in 3-1/2 years, I feel FREE!

What was this magical happening in my life that affords me the aforementioned bliss?

My car was repossessed.

My car, which I loved dearly; my car that I, for 3-1/2 years of the 4 that I “owned” it, struggled monthly to cover payments and upkeep; my car that I mentally released every time I was more than one month late – I didn’t own it; it owned ME.

Before you go judging, or feeling sorry for me, let me give you some back story. Perhaps then you too will see this as a blessing, not a curse.

4 years ago I purchased this beautiful, fast, brand-spanking new car, by far the nicest car I’d ever owned. At the time I was in business with a partner and our car expenses were covered by the business. Six months later, we (he) decided to split. Had I known this was going to happen, I most surely would not have made this purchase. The expense of this car rivaled my rent and, because I worked from home, it sat much of the time in the garage. WAYYYY out of balance with its purpose in my life! Hind sight is awesome, right?

From then on I struggled. The payment was high and the MPG not so great. I also had begun to rebuild a business that I wasn’t completely certain I still wanted. But, it paid the bills. It was “good enough” for the time being.

I knew how to work the system with Nissan Motor Acceptance. Don’t answer the calls from the 800 number the first month because that was just a call center in India and they just wanted to bug me, reading from the script. No, wait until the call came from the 214 area code in Texas, and even then, wait until a message is left. THAT call would be from the person who could really take the info, agree to the payment terms I was able to make, and more importantly, who could stop the repo man from showing up at an inopportune moment. This important call would come somewhere between the 2-2-1/2 month mark.

Each time I eventually made that call, I was met with kindness and graciousness as we went through the list of “confirming-my-identity” questions. One, of course, confirmed my address. I have nothing but positive things to say about the staff with whom I dealt over the years. They were impeccable with their graciousness, understanding and respect.

And, I would be remiss if I did not mention the NUMEROUS friends – and strangers – who have helped me keep this car along the way. Some have drifted out of my life but I will always know that they helped me in ways that move far beyond keeping the car. I doubt most will ever realize the measure of those ways, but in my heart, there is a deep and profound love always for each and every one of them.

It is also important to note that, just as I was purchasing this car, I began to take my spiritual life seriously. Folks in my circles today refer to this as an Awakening. My life began changing in profound ways – from the inside out. Most around me at that time could not see the changes taking place; they could only seem to feel a distancing happening – as if we had less and less in common. For me, I was experiencing a world I’d never known before. I liked it. I liked it A LOT!

This new world was not easy and much of the time, it was not pretty. One of my teachers likes to remind that “transformation is messy” and by GOD! I am a testament to that! Still, I do believe that what is left behind from all the mess is a beauty and grace like non other. If I must trek through the mud of my old life to get there, then trek I shall!

The first time I almost lost my car to the big, black tow truck, I was in a prosperity class (of all things!) One of my classmates, who did not know the level of my anxiety at being unable to pay my rent AND 3 months’ car payments at the time, shared his story with me. He said, and I am paraphrasing here, “Everything that is not in alignment with who I am now – HAD TO GO! The possessions, the friends, the lifestyle – if it wasn’t in vibrational harmony, it will fall away.”

At that moment, I REFUSED to believe that God’s “plan” for my life included me and my 2 cats panhandling on a freeway offramp!

Gratefully, the waters soon parted and an angel showed up with a gift that helped me keep my car. I offered the car in service to God repeatedly, praying, “If keeping this car is part of the plan, let me use it in service in whatever ways possible.”

Within hours I came across a Facebook friend’s post, asking for a ride to our Spiritual Center. She lived out in the boonies and had a fairly large circle of “in-person” friends on Facebook. As I read the post I said, “Someone else will help her.” That still, small voice inside had a different take on things. It said, quietly,

“Go get her.”

I waited. She posted her plea again.

“Surely someone else will help her.”

Again, the still, small voice replied,

“Go Get Her.”

The third time she posted her request:

“WHY isn’t one of her friends responding to her plea?”

“GO GET HER!!!”

With that, I sent her a message and the rest became history. She was the first answer to my prayer, and I, hers. We became sweet friends and I am blessed to have learned so much about myself and love through that friendship. Gifts received!

Similar opportunities to be blessed and in service continued, right alongside the struggles to pay for the car. At another critical moment, I moved on another direction – straight from the still, small voice’s mouth. It told me to ask my Facebook friends for help – by asking each one to donate $5.00 to me. I was flooded with paypal deposits and checks in the mail which more than covered keeping the car and paying the rent….AGAIN.

That experience also birthed a philanthropic venture for me, Microgivingworks. Between the outpouring of support and the giving back of this venture, I received more gifts than there is paper on which to list them.

The last of the many opportunities for service came with my new roommate. She was temporarily car-less and I gladly offered her mine to use. Working from home and now living across the street from my Spiritual Center, I had random, little need for the car and that was easily worked around her schedule.

This worked great for both of us but eventually she wanted her own set of wheels so I took her to my car dealer and within hours, she no longer needed my car.

At the same time, my business dried up and I decided to trust that inner voice again when it led me to close the business – without a parachute or a plan. It said,

“Wait. I have something better in mind for you.”

Man! Can I tell you how hard it was to take THAT advice?! That brought me to an entirely new level of faith that I am still leaning into and understanding.

With my car no longer needed in service to either myself or my roommate, I once again found myself in the “3-month” zone. I made the call, gave them my new address, arranged the payments and then I did – or didn’t do – something I am still wrapping my head around.

I arranged to make one month’s payment immediately – had the cash in hand – via Western Union. The balance would be made upon receipt of my final check from my final client in a week or so. (That would bring me current – for now – but would also leave me with little left for the rest of my expenses such as rent and food.) I went to the Western Union location listed that was closest to home and it was no longer there. Then, I went to one closest to a part time job I had. At this one, the cashier was on a break and the store clerk that tried to help me didn’t speak English. I left without making the payment saying, “This payment is far too important to screw up. I’ll go somewhere else.” AH! Irony!!!

But I never DID go to another place. Instead, I put the cash back in my nightstand drawer where it sits today. I thought about it, saying, “I should probably call them or try and find another Western Union location”, but I did nothing.

Monday morning I was awakened by the sound of a car alarm going off. I knew it was mine. Soon after, I heard the chugging of a motor pulling out of our parking garage below my bedroom window. There, attached to a big, black tow truck was my car. My heart raced and my body shook as I went to my roommate’s room to tell her what had happened.

And then, for what felt like the first time in ages, I took a deep, long breath. The mornings of waking with a jolt of anxiety, of running to the window to look for a tow truck, of not finding my car where I had left it, only to realize I had parked it in another row at the grocery store, those moments are gone.

I had, rather painfully, orchestrated the whole thing; all 3-1/2 years of it. There were ways – which had worked in the past – which I could have put into action in order to keep my car. But, that friend’s voice kept repeating in my head. “Everything that is not in alignment with who I am now – HAD TO GO.” It was finally the time: now. It was gone, and I felt a tsunami of relief wash over me.

In a flash I remembered what I have known for a long time; that car is not in alignment with who I am. And, in laymen’s terms, it was completely out of whack with my income and balance sheet! That car cost as much a month as my rent! Completely unsustainable, no matter HOW much goodness and financial assistance I received.

It was also the last remnant of a life I am leaving behind. Each time I thought of how to pay for it, there was a little piece of me that said, “It’s too much car for me” or “I never would have bought this had I known the business was going to split.” That last one led me to thoughts about my ex business partner and my un-forgiveness around him and that experience that still surfaced from time to time. Granted, I could have done some prayer or energy work around this in order to release those feelings however, for me, that would be like treating the symptom, not the disease. I was exhausted, repeating that pattern over and over. It was time to let it go.

While I do not believe that one random, negative thought can change the course of my life, I do believe that continued energy placed in the direction of one thought or idea WILL eventually manifest. I have just demonstrated this.

Thoughts, people, Become things!

So, where does all this leave me now? I honestly have no idea! I do, however, know some things:

I know that my bicycle and I are going to get to know one another better and that some of the benefits of that renewed relationship are going to be seen in my dress size.
I know that my financial burden is lightened in the very week that I begin my further education into becoming a licensed, spiritual practitioner. This is the most important thing for me right now and the lowering of my overhead by HALF is making a huge difference already in my ability to be fully present for my studies.
I know that now I can take my cat to the vet for needed treatment; treatment that would have been delayed had I chose to make that car payment.
I know about ways to tool around the city, when needed, thanks to a little company called “Relay Rides” (as I said, I’ve been here before and as such, I’ve explored other options!)

And, most importantly, I know that I know that I know that ALL is WELL. I read something this morning about faith. “The faith OF God is very different from a faith IN God. The faith of God IS God, and somewhere along the line of our spiritual evolution, this transition will gradually take place, where we shall cease having faith IN and shall have faith OF. Always in such degree as this happens, a demonstration takes place.”

I know there is a success story being written here. I don’t know what it looks like but I am willing to be open to it in profound new ways. I look forward to using my experiences to teach others; teach them to find what’s important to them - and what’s not; what faith is and what real spiritual growth is all about.

Why share this with you? Because I KNOW there are those out there struggling to make it. Like me, there are some who hold so tightly in one hand what they are SURE they need, they are unable to open that fist – and those arms – to receive a better idea than they could ever hope for, dream, or imagine.

I share this with you because I know there are those who feel like the world judges them by their possessions and worldly “success”, and, for the most part, it does. By the world’s standards, I am a complete and utter failure. By GOD’s standards, I am the child in whom God is well pleased. Not because of what I HAVE, but what I can GIVE. Today, I can give you my story, in the hopes that somewhere within it you may find something that resonates with you; that you can know that your bliss and your happiness do not lie in things. These qualities are God-given and cannot be taken away by the world or anyone in it.

I leave you with this profound comment found today on Facebook:

There are times when we do not recognize that it is time for us to move forward. When life is ready for us to move and we resist, life will move us by any means necessary. What may feel like a disaster is actually a graduation. Remain open to being guided, supported and protected by the universe.

Journey on til next time-

Beth

Do You Have a Big BUT?

2012-03-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Do YOU have a big BUT?

Most of us do. In fact, many of us have more than one!

I am not referring to the backside, booty, derriere, tush, or junk-in-the -trunk. I am referring to that little 3 letter word that serves as a huge “CANCEL” BUTT-on in our speech. Some common examples of this are:

“The concert last night was awesome BUT I’m going to be exhausted all day because I was out so late.”

“I had a great time on vacation BUT I will be paying for it for months to come.”

“I can meet you for dinner BUT I can only stay an hour.”

And, a personal favorite, delivered to me some years ago-

“I love you BUT I am not in love with you.”

We tend to take this little word for granted; much of the time not even noticing its effect. I set an intention not too long ago to delete this word from my vocabulary. I even have journal entries where I have written the word, crossed it out, and reworded the sentence into an affirmative statement. Slowly, I am catching this less and less. It has become a bit of an inner game for me! In doing this, I have found I pay closer attention to the energy behind & infused within my words, retraining myself to speak to myself and others in a more positive manner. I believe I am paying closer attention to WHAT I want to say; what I want to affirm as true, and what I want to create in my life.

Everything begins in consciousness. Nothing manifests into the physical until it is first a thought. That thought carries with it the energy of creation. What do I want to create? What AM I creating when I cancel one thought with another with a “but”? The language of the Universe is feelings and The Universe is always responding to our feelings, saying “YES” to everything we affirm.

Let’s use my first example above. “The concert last night was awesome” – affirmative, positive, probably conjures up great memories. Then I add, “BUT I’m going to be exhausted all day because I was out so late.” I don’t know about you, BUT I feel a letdown in my body as I read this second half of the sentence. I PHYSICALLY feel a shift from high to low. Read it again. Aloud. How does it make you feel? And furthermore, what is being affirmed to the Universe? More “tired” please. “YES”!

That little zap of energy adds onto another zap and another until my “but” is SO big it keeps me from moving at all! It makes me tired. It makes me inactive, uncreative, stuck on the same hamster wheel that I keep recreating of whatever it is I am backing up with that little word. My BUT can literally drag me to the floor!

Then I started to wonder….If inserting a “but” in between 2 statements replaces the energy of the first with the energy of the second…

Could there be times when a big “BUT” is beneficial?

“I hate this job BUT it pays the bills.”

“I don’t like where I’m living, BUT at least I have a roof over my head.”

These two statements still drag me down. How do you feel reading them?

So, then I decided to use the word “and” in place of my “but.” Let’s see how that works.

“I had a great time on vacation AND I will be paying for it for months to come.”

“I hate this job AND it pays the bills.”

To me these two sentences just seem to contradict themselves and make me scratch my head. Huh?

I’ve also tried substituting longer conversational segues such as “however”, “in any event”, and “that being said” for “but” and still it seems to somewhat negate the initial positive energy of whatever I am saying. So, how do I speak more affirmatively? How do I energetically charge my words and thoughts thereby creating more of the good in my life that I desire and that is my birthright as a child of the Universe that creates everything?

I do exactly that: I affirm what it is that I wish to create more of and have manifest in my life. I spend less time talking and thinking about what I do not want and more time with what I DO want. It means working off that “but” by using my core muscles of truth. It involves more words at times, and sometimes it means I must rework a thought or sentence midstream to construct it into positive form. In doing so, I am reprogramming my mind to focus more and more on the positive. I am working out. (OMG! I AM WORKING OUT!!)

I encourage you to take a few days and watch your thoughts and your words. See where your big BUT gets in the way of the magnificent life of your dreams. Work it out! Build your core! Get your BUT off the ground and start moving!

microgivingworks!!

2012-03-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

Last month's blog and the previous month's financial challenge have birthed something new in these interwebs today! microgivingworks.com has launched! I am so very excited to have been the vessel through which this idea came streaming!

Last Tuesday, as I was walking from my mailbox to my front door, I suddenly saw a (what I can only describe as a hologram) website "building" itself. It was like those crime shows of today where the lead cop is running his finger across a large screen, moving perps & victims around. Or, some space age Star Trek technology where Captain Kirk can look into other dimensions or places through some magical screen. Come to think of it, I could also compare it to my favorite childhood afternoon TV host, Hobo Kelly, looking through her magical mirror and saying hello to us from the other side of the TV screen, somehow seeing all the world through that mirror.

But I digress! Back to MY hologram! I saw a framework for a website piecing itself together before my very eyes. I instantly knew what it would be called, what its function would be, how it would look, and all of the inner workings of it - even though I have ZERO experience in this field (as is evidenced by my use of the word "interwebs" above!)

I ran as fast as I could back to my apartment and starting writing down the details of what I saw, the domain name, and finally, tag line options. This all transpired in the space of about 5 minutes!

The next day, while visiting a friend, a conversation about my $5.00 God Experiment came up and I shared with her the vision of the previous day. "You KNOW I build websites for a living, right?" she asked. Yes, I knew that but I had no money for such an extravagance at this point in time. She would have none of that! She thought the idea had merit and we moved from her sofa to her computer and began work. Within hours the basic idea had gone from my notepad to her computer screen. Together our ideas came so rapid-fire it was, at times, hard to keep up! It was an amazing experience of being absolutely in alignment with my purpose: to be a beneficial presence on the planet. And...to be a PHILANTHROPIST!!!

Today with great joy, gratitude and enthusiasm, we have launched microgivingworks.com; grass roots philanthropy, $5.00 at a time! Please visit the website, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and join in on the absolute joy of making a difference in people's lives! Forgo that latte today and give to someone in need! We are all in this together! Let's take care of each other!

Til next time,

beth o'dell
grass roots philanthropist

SURRENDER: The $5.00 God Experiment

2012-02-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

In recent years when contemplating the proverbial question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” the answer has always been “Philanthropist”. Now, that’s a tall order for someone who seems to struggle to meet basic needs from time to time.

Philanthropy couldn’t have been farther from my mind than some as-yet-undiscovered-galaxy this past January when I found myself at a financial bump in the road.

Self-employed for many years, I was familiar with the fits and starts of cash flow. This time was different. The work that had been projected to begin on several projects was suddenly pushed back to February and beyond. Even if new work was to show up, in my line of work, the substantial payday for me comes at the conclusion of the project.

So there I was, stuck without a “cash cushion”. And then I got sick with the flu. Bad-sick. 14 days of it. I’m sure the financial stress added to what might had been a 24-hour bug to me normally. Part of me just wanted to sleep forever.

It is said that when all options, begging and pleading are exhausted, surrender occurs.

It was in the midst of a 103 degree fever, around 3am one night, when I first heard the voice – just as loud as if someone was at the side of my bed, speaking into my ear: “Ask your Facebook friends for $5.00 each. You have 591 friends. That’s $2955 – more than enough for rent and car payment for February.”

It kept on all night, calculating how many people at a minimum could give and meet my basic need of $1700.00. All night long this continued, and I was convinced - until I began to feel better.

In feeling better my pride and ego took back the control. No WAY was I going to humiliate myself in front of friends I’ve known all my life, friends with whom I attend church, BUSINESS associates, strangers! What would they SAY about me?! NO WAY!!!

A week went by and “surprise”! I still had no money coming in. With no option in sight I kicked my ego and his best buddy, Pride, to the curb and finally and completely surrendered. I composed a heartfelt Facebook post, asking whoever read it for $5.00. Further encouragement from a couple of close friends led me to send private emails to my friends’ list. This email went out to about 150 on my list before I became frustrated with the “new” Facebook format and I gave up sending to anyone else.

I was not prepared for what happened next! Within minutes of the initial post I received $100.00 from a single friend. $5, $10, $20 donations came flooding in through PayPal. I watched in amazement as people I wasn’t particularly close to immediately responded. Some had far less than I had. One was living out of his car!

2 days later as the money continued to come through PayPal, I went to the mailbox. It was full of handwritten envelopes – full of love and generosity. One, from a childhood friend that I haven’t seen in over 30 years, who had emailed me, saying she would send ‘what she could’, contained a check for $200! There were – and are - still are no human words for the feelings pulsing through my body as I opened each envelope and email. I raced as fast as I could to send individual thank you notes to each gifter, either through the mail or email.

And still, it did not stop there. A friend shared my post on his private group wall and I began receiving gifts from complete strangers. At my spiritual community, people hugged me while putting money in my hand or pocket. One woman, whom I met at a retreat the previous summer, was leaving one Sunday service while I was heading to the next when she spotted me, $20 bill in hand. She said she knew she would run into me and hugged me and gave me the bill.

Within a couple of days my immediate needs were met and I posted again on Facebook, thanking my friends for such assistance. “All needs met and exceeded!” and still the money came. At first I thought about telling people to stop and then the voice returned saying, “Don’t deny them their blessing in being part of this.” I know how true a statement that is: one of the greatest pleasures in my life is being able to give and it is truly one of the greatest gifts we receive at the same time! You get to KEEP what you GIVE AWAY.

(I think it was at about this time that I starting feeling like I was part of a bigger, God-Experiment. Like I was the tiny rat in the maze and whatever findings were discovered here would be used for something bigger.)

In the end, my beloved friends, spiritual family and Facebook friends – old and new - supported me in such a way that I was lifted out of the frightening place of eviction and repossession. But more importantly, I felt loved, not by just these people reaching out to me but by this big ol’ friendly and benevolent Universe! I am not particularly happy that this lesson/blessing came in the form of money, but this is something I continue to delve into in my spiritual practice. It’s obviously an area where there is much room for growth!

In these times we are living there are many experiencing temporary challenges of this nature. Since the time of my initial posting, I’ve had 5 people follow my lead and make similar requests for themselves and loved ones. As promised in my post, I did the same for those who gave to me – and now even to those who did not. Giving and receiving are part of the same circuit. I intend to keep than connection of good flowing, knowing there truly is enough for everyone!

And I would be remiss if I did not mention the feedback received from some who gave and others who just observed, saying this experience renewed their faith in humanity or gave them courage to speak up in areas of their own lives. Like I said….much bigger than just my experience.

Just after my post my spiritual leader instructed the congregation to “take care of each other”. How do we do that, when many have so little?

I was told by one friend that I "could not go back to that well" once I had put out my request. But go back I will! Just this time, it will be for someone else. I believe one of the answers to this question is through micro-giving - exactly what I experienced: many people giving a little to help a lot. Grass-roots philanthropy. The ideas are bubbling up.

Maybe one need not be a millionaire to be a philanthropist?

Til next time,

Beth

fi-lan-thruh-pist

hey! I am still getting used to the idea! J

The Tale of Two Brothers, Part 2

2012-01-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

It was two days before Thanksgiving. The months in between the premier of “Discover the Gift” and this present moment seemed to flash by at the speed of light; the thought of repairing a brother-sister relationship now in the distant recesses of my mind, deep in the dark soil of my consciousness.

I was gifted a session with Spiritual Intuitive Bonnie Silver. At the beginning of the call she asked me what my intentions were for the call. Since I really didn’t know what “spiritual intuitive” meant, or what service she provided in that area of expertise, I went to my “go to” goals: balance and clarity. I am always looking for clarity of purpose and balance in all areas of my life.

She also asked me to describe myself. In my best, spiritually-awakened manner I proudly said, “I am a divine emanation of pure Source energy love, the place of love.”

She began to talk, connecting with my thoughts intuitively, and asking questions. At first the questions and comments were sweeping and broad. In my mind she was on one end of a football field; I on the other. The more we spoke, the closer infield we both moved until finally, we were on the 50 yard line standing as one. (Weird, I know, but that’s what I saw!)

She said it felt like I needed to release something/someone from my life. Bonnie felt strongly that once this release took place, there would be greater clarity of purpose in my life.

There were several examples demonstrating her connection to me which I will forego sharing here due to time. Suffice to say that she is the “Real Deal”!

She continued...

She sensed that I was not sure who or what it was that I needed to release but that when I was sure, it would be without a doubt. Perhaps it was someone at my spiritual community, or a family member?

I mentioned that I was indeed considering backing off of a friendship with someone in my community. No, that wasn’t it. It was bigger.

She also sensed that I needed to do some forgiveness work; had I done any in the past? I assured her I have crossed everyone possible of that list! Still, she felt very strongly that there was something more here to do.

I could sense that there was something she was grappling with, trying to “read” or “see” as she spoke. She asked me to talk about my family. That was easy – and short! My parents were both long gone from this dimension and I quickly rolled out my “story” about my brother.

“He and I don’t speak. He lives a somewhat reclusive, paranoid life. He never was the big brother to me that I had dreamt of having so it’s no big loss for me.” End of story.

In an “AHA” the size of and Oprah AHA, Bonnie blurted out, “That’s it! It’s your brother you need to forgive! It’s your judgment of him that you need to release!”

In an instant it was if someone had cracked open my chest cavity and a thousand white doves flew out of it! A summer breeze blew through my body on a chilly November morning! This WAS it! I was surer than I had ever been in my life! Out of all the possible suspects I could think of to forgive, never in my wildest dreams did I consider my brother in that group-mostly, because of my "story" about him.

I had been judging my brother all my life for what he “wasn’t” to me while all the while he was living a life of which I had no knowledge. Bonnie also felt a very strong female presence which she was sure was my mom, guiding her now in this conversation.

Through Bonnie, my mom was very clear: “At the beginning of this call you claimed to be a place of love. Prove it by forgiving your brother.” WOW! I don’t know how much clearer a message I could need!

I instantly knew this was true; this was what I needed to do.

Bonnie went on, guided by my mom. “Your brother needs to know you love him right now; he always felt you had the easy ride and that he had it a lot harder. He has resented you for this.” She also got a very strong hit in the form of one word: Abuse. To Bonnie, it was so strong, it felt like sexual abuse.

Now I KNOW nothing like that ever happened in my family but because of the intenseness of it for Bonnie, it did cause me to flash back to a repairman who did work in our home when we were young. He was later convicted of molesting boys. That is not a road I am prepared to walk down just yet, if ever.

Bonnie was also was clear that I must SPEAK with him. Already in my mind I knew there must be a conversation, but I had planned a lovely letter version. Then, realizing that was not appropriate, I decided to write a “script” for my planned phone call so I wouldn’t leave anything out. In the next instant Bonnie says to me, “And it shouldn’t be SCRIPTED.” Was she in my head or WHAT?

I chose Thanksgiving Day for my phone call, to take place during my drive from volunteering in downtown to the family meal at my spiritual community. A call with a time limit, in case it should go awry.

With no script, no plan, no attachment to anything, I dialed the number. I simply breathed a tiny prayer, “Speak through me.”

When my brother got on the line, and after the shock of hearing my voice after so many years, I began to tell him that I loved him. I told him that I had been doing a lot of meditation and soul-searching and had come to realize how much I needed to tell him that, and that I was sorry for the way I have judged him and our relationship all these many years. I took responsibility for my actions, wondering if they had been instrumental in keeping us from having any type of relationship as adults. I also acknowledged that he had been perfect just as the big brother he was – it was my interpretation and judgment that was flawed.

He asked me if I was going to church. I asked if that was a prerequisite for having this type of conversation. “No, but I am a preacher. I like to ask a lot of questions so I know where the person is coming from.” (It is worth noting here, for those who may not know, we were raised Southern Baptist; my brother remains a fundamentalist Christian minister. While I still believe in Biblical teachings, I now embrace the New Thought/Ageless Wisdom teachings of Ernest Holmes, Michael Beckwith and more.)

I explained that I was (literally) on my way to church and described Agape to him as a place where all faiths are welcomed, all people are welcome, a place that is about love and celebrating this life we are here to live. He said he had never heard of a place like this before. ("Get used to it!" I wanted to say!)

What occurred next was nothing short of an amazing miracle. I met my REAL brother for the first time. In the process, I returned to my true self; the loving compassionate real me.

My brother told me how he has never trusted anyone in his life; how he began using drugs at a much earlier age that I was aware, causing him to close himself off from everyone; how he has been abused all of his life; how he would prefer to live off by himself somewhere in the mountains, how “narrow-minded” (his words, not mine) he has always been and how, as he gets older, the more narrow minded he becomes. This was more of a conversation than we had EVER had in our lives! I could not believe – but at the same time was so grateful to hear – how open he was with me.

When he used the word “abused” a chill ran through my body. He immediately followed it with “not physically but everything short of”. Again I felt my heart space crack wide open, seeing my brother for the first time through the eyes of love and compassion. I don’t know what happened early in his life that would keep him feeling like such a victim all these years later, and maybe someday we will have that conversation. More likely, a seed has once again been planted in the darkness, waiting for the right conditions for it to spring into the light; a seed of freedom from the past; a seed of release.

At the same time this flood of emotions was rushing through me, I could feel the undeniable presence of our mom, sitting in the passenger seat of my car, now parked in the lot at Agape. Her energy was so dense, I could almost see her. I felt compelled to tell my brother about her showing up during the call with Bonnie, as if mom was elbowing me to do so, but stopped short of letting him know she was eavesdropping on our call!

He listened without laughing – something I thought he’d surely do (another judgment on my part) and then we continued to talk - about the possibility of trying to build a relationship now. I assured him that I was not expecting anything beyond this call but was certainly open to one. We agreed that the slate was now wiped clean of any old emotions and that we would indeed attempt to rebuild from this moment forward.

With an “I love you” from each end the call was over. In an instant I was free in a way I had never known before. I really DID – and DO – love my brother. In an instant I had the clarity of purpose I had said I wanted on the call with Bonnie. In being the place of love as I described myself, I am living my purpose. In releasing the dead weight of an old story, I achieve more balance. What I asked for I already had! What I seek is already within me. This is a fundamental principle of my spiritual belief system yet somehow I had not connected it to my personal relationship with my brother. It truly was a return to love.

It is fitting for me to write this today, as I reflect on the past year and wipe the slate clean for a fresh start tomorrow and release the old stories in favor of new truths. Everything is new again!

Happy, Blessed & Loved New Year! Tell somebody you love them!

Return to love, return to love,

With every breath, return,

End and begin with love,

With every breath, return.

Byars Beckwith lyric

The Tale of Two Brothers, Part I

2011-11-28T08:52:00.000-08:00

I have an older brother. 3 years older. We have not spoken in 10 years. I have my story about him and our distance; a story that I’ve been telling for as long as I can remember. This week I had the opportunity to rewrite that story and in the process heal a very old, very deep wound; one that I did not even know my heart bore. Releasing the old story and healing the wound has allowed for a new story to emerge. This is how it all started….

I grew up in a neighborhood of large families, except for my own. Most of my neighborhood girlfriends had 3 or 4 older brothers and all of those families seemed very close; the brothers very protective of their little sister.

Up until the time of middle school or so, my brother and I got along. He even played Barbies with me; spending what seemed like hours setting up the different households and telling the stories of each Barbie and Ken “family.” We even set up a doll hospital in my chest of drawers and pretended we were doctors, healing my baby dolls. At that time, I guess I felt like part of a “normal” brother and sister situation. Something changed along the way and as we grew up, a distance grew between us.

Despite the growing distance, I looked forward to high school, when he would be a senior and I a freshman. He would “show me the ropes”; I would have crushes on his friends and he would protect me from any boy who tried to break my heart. Life would be just like I dreamt it would be!

That never happened. He would have nothing to do with me.

I was an over achiever in school, carrying a 4.0 GPA, active in social and service clubs and very active in my church. My brother got into trouble and was told he didn’t “apply himself”. The distance widened.

Sometime during high school, mom found a pot plant growing in his bedroom (possibly thanks to Miss GoodyTwoShoes here.) The confrontation between my normally quiet father and my angry brother was loud and physical; with my mother crying and shouting for them to stop.

I don’t have a lot of memories of my brother after that. I did my thing and he did his, spending a lot of time away from the house. He graduated, moved out, fell in love and got married. Dad passed away and eventually my brother cleaned up.

By this time, I was taking my own turn with drugs. My brother, now clean and “holier than thou” made it his mission to fix me. What resulted upon that confrontation was another screaming match that left my mother, again, crying and begging us to stop.

Life moved on, I straightened up and eventually my mom moved out of state to be with my brother and his wife. She lived out her days there and our contact was spotty. I only visited her there once. It turned ugly very quickly with my brother screaming and demeaning both my mom and my sister in law while playing a silly board game. My mom made excuses for his verbal abuse but I could not and would not sit and listen to it. I was well aware of how he belittled my sister in law while they lived here. Now I could see it how that had intensified to include our mom. I vowed to myself never to go back there as long as he was in the vicinity of my mother.

My mom had a knack for playing the victim role, she was always getting “taken” by someone or some business. I could see that she had just let that role overtake much of who she was now, letting him say & do whatever he wanted to her and she would justify it in her own sweet way.

My mom passed away 11 years ago, suddenly, while I was out of the country. I made the trip north to go through her things a few months later. It was the first time I’d seen my brother in I’m not even sure how many years.

During the days I was there, I discovered he and I had some things in common. We both loved photography and camping. We had a similar sense of humor, no doubt thanks to our hysterically funny mother. There was a glimmer of the possibility of a relationship.

But, out of sight, out of mind. I came home and life returned to normal. My sister in law did a good job of trying to stay in touch, with notes and emails – always signing both their names (though I’m not sure he even knew we communicated) but after a while, that dropped off too.

When asked about my family, I would readily offer up that my brother lived a somewhat reclusive, paranoid life (with lots of other juicy adjectives) out of state and that he was never really the big brother I had wanted so I really didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I’d never had it so I didn’t feel like it was missing it now. Basically, I had written him of and had even “replaced” him long ago with a good friend who has always been like the big brother I’d dreamt of having.

Fast forward to earlier this year. MUCH has changed in my life. I found myself at my Spiritual community for the premiere of a movie, “Discover the Gift.” The movie was inviting the viewer to discover the gift within that was meant to be expressed on the planet. It was a documentary film that changed lives, with more than forty of today's most influential transformational leaders explore how to discover one's own unique Gift, including our own Rev. Michael Beckwith. Sounded good to me – I’d been wondering what my real purpose, my real GIFT was here.

"Discover the Gift" was produced by acclaimed producer/director Demian Lichtenstein and his sister Shajen Joy Aziz and it found its beginning in the healing of their relationship. I remember thinking of my brother and wondering, “Do I need to do that?” My mind quickly replied, “NOPE! Nothing to do there!”

Ah…the fact that I had even had the thought really was an indication that there was work to be done there. I just chose to shove it back into the darkness from whence it came! But it grew, just as a seed grows in the darkness of the rich soil. I was now in a spiritual community that regularly asked me to forgive in order to be free. Every time I saw Demian at a service that little thought, that little seed, would sprout up just a tiny bit more. And every time it did, I would try to shove it back into the darkness.

But, a seed only knows one thing – to grow toward its light source. This seed had spent enough time in the darkness. It was now time to come into the light.

(to be continued)

Plenty to Share - REALLY?

2011-11-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

About this time last year my life was in dire straights. I was 3 months behind in my car payments (certified letter stating intent to repossess, thank you), my rent money for the month had been stolen (3-day notice, thank you building manager), I had maxed out the credit card a friend had let me use to cover my basic living expenses (causing a rift in the relationship and a lot of guilt and shame on my end), and my business was on very shaky ground between fully separating from my business partner and being unsure I could go it alone. This was my bottom.

Ironically, I was gifted the money to take a class at my Spiritual Community called “Plenty to Share/Plenty to Spare”. (I think I’ve mentioned before that MY God has a ridiculously healthy sense of humor!) Apparently God – and someone in the form of a friend – thought I could use this. Well, if by “plenty to share/plenty to spare” you mean troubles and bills and stress, well, I’d be HAPPY to pass some of that along out of my world! Free for the taking!

Let me just say, that class MESSED ME UP! All this talk about abundance and all-needs-met! Where the H-E-double-toothpick was mine? I had to scrape together sofa-change, car floor-change and bottom-of-purse-change together for the gas to even GET to the class! A friend shared her reading materials with me because I couldn’t afford to buy the book! Plenty my ass!

Each night of the class I fell deeper and deeper into despair. It was like everyone was “getting” it, having insights and revelations and moving through self-imposed blocks in their lives while I was gasping for air- there wasn’t even plenty of THAT for me to share! What was I doing wrong? Why was my life so messed up? How did I get to such a low point in my world? I was in a spiritual community for pete’s sake – doing everything that was ever taught to me – praying, meditating, worshiping, KNOWING all is well. Well, in honesty, that last one was tough to wrap my head around as the crisis mounted.

In our smaller, breakout groups, called “pods”, one of my “podlings” shared that, in his life, the things that were no longer in integrity with his soul had to go – and he let it. Yeah, that’s great, but we’re talking about ME here! Did God REALLY want me to let go of my home AND my car? (GOD! I wanted to smack him in the head for that comment!!!) A homeless, carless, spiritually-enlightened being who, without those things, could not conduct business and attempt to support herself? Surely this could not be true….but it sure was headed in that direction!

Our teacher, the very wise Reverend Cheryl Ward, explained to me in front of the class, that when I have a strangle-hold on a particular “BIG” problem, I am really choking off the flow of good that wants to come through that area of my life (I am loosely translating what I heard). If, instead, I move my attention from that big problem and instead try to deal with something smaller, manageable, then God can have Its full sway in the area of my greatest concern – once me and my big ego get out of the way. For me this meant that, while I might not be able to pay rent or car payments, I COULD pay my cell phone bill.

OK. So I tried it. Then I tried it again. And again. And another again. At least I thought I was trying. In reality, I was like a dog with one of those chew-ropes – holding on for dear life, letting it swing me around and around in circles but by god! I still had it in my clenched teeth!! No one and no thing was gonna get it out of my grip!

Then I went back to class, unsuccessful in my attempt at “letting go.” The air around me was becoming less and less available to me. I was completely unable to grasp this teaching, find relief, answers - anything that would allow me to NOT wake up in the morning gasping for air that was becoming thicker and heavier and less satisfying and nourishing to my body.

Then Rev. Cheryl shared a personal story with the class of how she was “invited” to demonstrate her faith and her beliefs that she had spent many years practicing. ( I love how we Agapeans say “invited” instead of “forced” or even “asked” – because really, it is ALWAYS a choice and there’s no judgment if one declines that invitation in that moment.) It involved her daughter, knocked unconscious at school and now in the ER across town. As she got behind the wheel of her car, anxious and worried, she drew upon her spiritual practice. “Either God IS or God ISN’T.” In that moment everything shifted for her and she leaned on the knowing that God IS. And, if God IS, and God is in everything and everyone and every situation, then surely God was in the mix of this seeming injury and in the doctors and nurses and technicians treating her daughter; in the flow of traffic that got her across town in 15 minutes, and in every other moment of this experience. Ah….exhale.

I began to hear Rev. Cheryl’s voice in my head firmly declaring “Either God IS or God ISN’T!!!” Man she’s got a voice on her!!! Slowly but surely, I began to breathe again and breathing required I let go of the chokehold of the problems I was trying to fix by myself. I began back at the beginning: Gratitude. Then Surrender. I began to lean into the Truth that God Absolutely just, plain and simple, IS. God is in my struggles and God is also in the resolution of those struggles, whether I can see a way out now or not. And thank GOD! God is in the celebration and freedom and JOY that shows up once I get out of the way.

It literally started with that first waking moment of my day: the moment when I would become conscious and gasp for air upon realizing I still couldn’t pay all those bills. After that thought passed, I would think of something for which I could be grateful. In the beginning, it was literally just for air, heavy and oppressive as it may have been. I was, in fact, still alive. I would try to find 5 things to be grateful for before I got out of bed.

On one of those days, it was time to release and surrender the impending repossession of my car.

I sat on my sofa in meditation, breathing that air that was now becoming more available to my body, inhaling “I surrender (my car)” and on exhale “I let go.” It was all I could do. With each breath my lungs took in more and my body became more calm and relaxed. I kept going and going until my body felt completely clear and at peace with this pending event. When I looked up, it had been 1 hour and 45 minutes of this! But I felt great! Not to say that losing one’s car and the shame and blame involved with it is something I would encourage anyone to feel, but from my spiritual perspective I was now realizing that it was blocking me due to the stress it was putting on my daily life. If, in releasing the car back to Nissan that meant I had new energy to place on something I COULD do in my life, well then I should probably be grateful. And, truly, I was.

Then my prayer partner called. After nudging and nudging me to tell her what was going on (she apparently could sense something) I told her about the car. We prayed together and then she said she’d check on me later that day. I took a shower and washed all the residue of my body and soul and returned to arranging to drop my car off at the dealership so I could avoid the embarrassment of the repo man coming to my home. Then my prayer partner called.

She had immediately gone into prayer and meditation about my situation and felt strongly that she was to give me the money to bring my car payments up to date. I did NOT see that coming – but then again – I got out of God’s way and released my attachment to the car and the whole situation just earlier that morning. God showed up as my prayer partner. I received the good that wanted to flow to me – FINALLY!

But wait! There’s more! At around the same time another dear friend of many decades wrote me a check to cover my stolen rent money, knowing that I didn’t know when I could repay it. Again - God showing up in my life as my friend.

Now, don’t for one minute think that I just accepted the good flowing from these 2 souls and went about my way! Oh NO!!! I experienced so much GUILT and SHAME over needing to rely and depend on someone else, it totally wiped out the relief I momentarily felt!

Just as, when I put one foot in front of the other, a way is made; the ground rises up to meet my feet, so goes the opportunities to grow through and explore emotions. I went from anxiety – to release – to peace – to abundance all the way back down to guilt and shame – and that was all before breakfast!

When I met up with my prayer partner to receive the money for the car payments, I expressed my less-than-excited-state of being with her. In one sentence she summed it up: “Plenty to Share/Plenty to Spare.” She had more than she needed and she was sharing it. But I had to “BUT” my way back into the shame. “WHY do I have to KEEP receiving money from everyone? I am TIRED of receiving!”

WHOOOOA!!!!! Back up the bus!!! Did I REALLY just say I was TIRED of RECEIVING?!!!

At Agape we learn the absolute law of circulation – that which you give comes back around to you, multiplied. It is a circuit and just as with any mechanical circuit, if one cuts the flow from one area, the flow stops. Doesn’t mean it’s not there; just means the flow is haulted. I was unconsciously cutting off the flow of my good, my abundance, with my attitude of “I don’t want to receive from people anymore.”

So, I’ve got to say it: SHIFT HAPPENS! In an instant I was again invited to examine this “law” I had created for myself.

I started to think back on all the people I have helped along their journeys. The homeless man & his dog that I dropped off a bags of groceries and dog food to by the side of the road; the countless friends who “couch-surfed” in my home while in between cities, jobs…lives; the hours of quiet listening to friends going through their own suffocating moments of life; the hugs I gave when it seemed no one else was there. Most of these didn’t involve cash-money but ALL involved the giving of energy; positive loving energy. And that brings me back to my understanding of God: Pure love, intelligence, beauty and peace. Money is sometimes the manifestation of this energy but it is not the thing itself. I finally realized that all the good that I have shared with the world and with my little circle within it was being circulated back to me – in a form that in this time and space I could clearly understand: Money. Again, God’s Supreme Sense of Humor teaching me to laugh at the irony of it all. Turns out I had a karmic savings account I wasn’t aware of!

With each person who helped me, from the friend with the credit card, to the friend who covered my rent, to the friend who paid for this class and shared her book - and several meals, to the prayer partner who felt moved to see that I kept my car, to the "podling" that spoke his truth which is now my truth too, to the amazing teacher who didn’t force a belief down my throat but instead let me find my own way while she held the truth about me: THANK YOU from the bottom of my never-ending soul!

I now know this truth the Rev. Cheryl knows about me, about herself and about all of YOU: We are all divine and unique emanations of the ONE SOURCE of all: God. Because of this, we are all heirs to all that there is; all that we could ever hope for, dream, manifest or desire. HOWEVER, we must ACCEPT all of the good that wants to flow to and through us. If we turn it off, it will just sit there, behind the valve, patiently waiting for us to turn it back on again and again it will flow, without judgment or thoughts of “well, you wouldn’t let me flow yesterday so I’m not sure I will flow today for you.”

Why write about this now? Aren’t things peachy-keen now with abundance flowing freely in every area of my life? Haven’t I “arrived?”

Truth is I still have issues with money. It flows in fits and starts and as I write this, my car payment is again late – though only by a few days. So what is different? My perspective (aka my chokehold on my problems!) No one ever truly arrives. We are ever-evolving, different today than yesterday – or even a paragraph ago. For this I am truly thankful because each and every second is another opportunity to grow through something that baffled me yesterday.

The reason I share this now is because I have several friends who are experiencing very similar situations in their lives right now, as I did last year. I want to stand up and be counted as one who believes these spiritual principles, who has been through the wringer of life and can still say “All is truly well.” From the outside my life may look exactly the same as it did a year ago. On the inside, it is quite another story. I am here to say to anyone struggling through this life that tomorrow WILL be better. In God’s Mind it already IS better. Hold on and at the same time let go and let God. Surrender to the idea that God has a plan and has it under control! Don’t limit God to show up in just the one tiny way you think it should – as I did for so long.

And if you can’t know it for yourself right now, that’s ok too. I will know it for you, just as Rev. Cheryl knew it for me and continues to know it for and about me. I continue to demonstrate this Law of Circulation as I share my story with all of you. I pray you find something in it – in you – that makes you want to hold on another day. There is great love for you here.

A Locked Heart is a Useless Heart

2011-10-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Last week I spoke of various types of “muscle memory” however I left one out. I feel it has earned a blog unto itself. It is the muscle memory of the heart; the feeling & loving heart, not the physical heart that pumps life through the body.

Like other “muscles” of mine, this heart muscle took an extended holiday from all things strenuous in order to enable me to focus on other areas of my life that required my immediate attention. Over the past 2-3 years I have found it beneficial to NOT multi-task where the heart was concerned. So, I purposely took myself off the market, making sure that my heart was locked safely away until the time I felt it was safe, that I was “ready” to let it come out and play in the sunshine.

By September of this year I was finally ready. I was given an exercise by one of my spiritual mentors to write out the “best case scenario” for an area of my life where I sought improvement. I chose romantic partnership.

With explicit detail I wrote of the feeling tones I would experience with this person, the deep, long conversations we would have about everything, the wonderful qualities this person would possess, how he would be on a similar path, though a bit farther along so as to provide guided insight along my way, the Sacred Energy Xchange we would revel in with fire-y passion and desire. Oh yeah! It was ALL in there!

Then I sat out under the moonlight and expressed my desire to the Universe, letting it know that I was now open and available to this relationship.

That night I had a dream- a magnificent dream of being introduced to an attractive man with distinctive features to which I was not typically attracted, being told that “you two would be great together.” The dream played out, and it was true: we were great together as the movie-dream played past 5 years of bliss together and the end credits rolled. As this happened I wondered: What happened to the story arc? Shouldn’t there have been a crisis and resolution of some sort?

As I wrote this dream in my journal and came to that end, I realized, there should NOT have been drama, for you see, I had also included on that “Best Case Scenario” list two little words: ease and grace. This dream played out exactly as I intend it to in the world of my awareness. I was completely in alignment and on board for this divine right partner to show up in my life: NOW!

Fast forward several weeks. I was invited to an event where the only person I would know was the hostess. Feeling an indescribable pull to attend, I decided to completely step out of my comfort zone and go at the last minute.

Things fell into place easily and I started to go on my “treasure hunt” to see what the “pull” to this event might be. I met a couple of dear souls immediately and ended my search, convinced they were the reasons I needed to be there.

Then I met a man. I was drawn to him in a powerful way, even though he appeared to be with someone. I didn’t pursue anything, I simply noticed for the first time in several years I found myself thinking , “WOW! THAT is an attractive man!!!”

As the event progressed he came to me and we had a short conversation, ending with the promise of continuing it at a later date.

Returning home to my journal, I re-read the entry containing the dream from a few weeks prior. To my amazement the man I met had the SAME distinctive features as the man in my dream! He even lived in the same area as the man in my dream! Did I REALLY call this guy forth into manifestation in my life?!

The conversation did continue and it seemed we both might be open to the possibility of more. We arranged to meet later that week. The days in between glowed with the newness of a teenager’s crush; full of anticipation of meeting him again under more appropriate circumstances and getting to know him. I was remembering what it felt like to be interested in someone- and it felt great! The difference between now and when I was 16 however, was that I was feeling these feelings for ME, not for the guy. He wasn't the source of my happiness, though the prospect DID indeed make me happy. No, he was the catalyst. A part of me that had been locked up was suddenly breaking free!

Over the course of several weeks it became clear that “we” would not be. I had many opportunities to have that “old” conversation with myself (He doesn’t like me because X-Y-Z / Why didn’t he call?) – but I didn’t! For the first time in my life I recognized the Truth about myself in romantic partnership; That I am perfect, whole & complete just as I am and there is a romantic vibrational match of a man out there, working his way into my life. What I am seeking is seeking me.

The muscle memory of my heart has been a great gift through this experience. I really AM ready now! I loved the feelings that moved through me and those are sweet memories my heart can tap into from time to time. My heart broke open wide to be fully available to this kind of love in my life; knowing that I AM that love already and in expressing it out into the world I attract more of it into my life. This is a sweet gift, but it’s not the only one.

The muscle memory of my spiritual practice kicked in too! You see all of the practice and work I’ve done in other areas of my life, realizing my completeness as I am right now, supported me through this experience. I moved past the old person that used to talk endlessly to myself, saying I wasn’t good enough for someone, or, when “this” happens I will be ready. I didn’t make excuses for his behavior, or lack of it. Yes, there were moments of disappointment and feeling less-than but I was able to move through those moments faster than ever before. I was able to release attachment to the outcome of the experience – and the guy himself - and instead be fully present with each and every emotion I had along the way, reveling in the excitement and being gentle with the disappointment.

I recognize that indescribable “pull” to be at THAT event, to meet THAT man, was my heart wanting to express itself as more love; to unlock itself once and for all, completely. He helped me do just that and I am very grateful for the role he played.

As for the “distinctive” physical features, locale and items on my list that matched up so perfectly? Well, God DOES have one DIVINE sense of humor! This was a Godwink of Universal proportion!!

"Be love now" - Ram Dass

Muscle Memory

2011-10-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

My body is an amazing thing! This incredible vessel that I have been blessed through this incarnation with has Muscle Memory!

My physical body’s muscle memory remembered how to hit a golf ball off the tee, consistently, straight as an arrow and out 250 yards after nursing double rotator cuff injuries over the course of 2 years. 250 yards was about as far as I’d ever gone prior to the injuries: Muscle Memory.

My body also remembered how to endure a long bike ride yesterday, after being “out of the saddle” for almost a year. 17 miles – EASY! I could have gone the whole marathon distance of 26.2 miles, something I’ve done 3 times in the past with no formal training: Muscle Memory.

My mental body also has this fantastic ability to remember.

Several weeks ago I was invited to attend a meditation/spiritual gathering at a friend’s. Within the group was an ex; one that left my life on very ugly terms who has now begun to have a spiritual awakening.

With 3 weeks to kill before the appointed evening, my mental body’s muscle memory had more than enough time to conjure up all the old memories of inadequacy, inferiority and “not-good-enough-ness” to sink the Titanic 10 times over! It also had the added bonus of my current physical state: heavier than I ever was when with him. Oh! This would just be GREAT! He’ll have SO much material to talk about after the evening!

Thank GOD! ALL of our bodies - physical, mental and spiritual -have Muscle Memory!

I’ve learned not to ignore pain, suffering and sadness. However, I’ve also learned that when I read the 23^rd Psalm, it says, “walk THROUGH the Valley of the Shadow of Death” – don’t build a condo there!

So, I let myself feel all those old feelings, those old memories…for about 4 hours. I wallowed in my bubble bath and looked at all the reasons he’d have to laugh at me. Not for the full 4 hours, but you get the point!

Next morning I went to the Gym of my Higher Consciousness and remembered who I am NOW. I pumped the spiritual iron and wrote myself the most beautiful “love letter” I could, reminding myself of my beauty and elegance as a divine emanation of the One Beauty that is everywhere present, always. It knows nothing of body type, hair color, or wrinkles. It sees beyond the physical and into the light and lightness of our being. My muscle memory of spiritual practice took over and in no time, I moved beyond the plateau of the previous day, truly knowing that right where I am now, in this moment, is the BEST time of my life! Fully appreciating just how far I've come since that relationship! Remembering that, the care about what he or anyone else might say or think about me just fell away, like beads of sweat after a hard workout.

Three weeks later, on the appointed day, I spent the day surrounding myself with everything that reminded me of love. I listened to beautiful music all day, meditated and prayed to be used for the highest good of all concerned at the gathering later that evening. This muscle memory is stronger than the mental muscle memory and I have been a dedicated gym rat where it is concerned!

What happened after was truly amazing. I had developed new, stronger muscles! Muscles of inadequacy were replaced by muscles of confidence and unconditional love; muscles of realizing my place as a beneficial presence in this gathering of people seeking to wake up.

In one short evening everything I’ve learned at this Gym of Higher Consciousness known as my spiritual practice demonstrated fully. I stepped into my greatness without fear. It wasn’t about anyone but me. I had done the work. I reaped the benefits. As a result, I was open to being used by Spirit, knowing my muscles would do the work effortlessly. You see, this muscle memory never fails, never forgets.

I’d love to tell you more, but my personal trainer is calling! Gotta hit the gym! I have a whole new set of muscles to work today!

Til next time-

If I could see me now!

2011-10-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

My how time flies! 2 years flashed by in the blink of an eye!

I recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary of the first time I attended services at the Agape International Spiritual Center. Coerced by my longtime friend and soul sister, Lily; it was her last Sunday of a month-long visit to California from Brazil and “Rev Michael” was speaking. Years ago (10 or more) she had begged and begged me to attend services at this mystical spiritual place. Back then, I had absolutely no interest in “church”. “It’s not like any church you’ve ever attended” she assured me. Still, Saturday was party night for me back then and I absolutely was NOT getting up early on a Sunday morning to drive across town to go to church or anything remotely similar! This time…I went.

I was raised in a traditional religion and never felt quite comfortable in that environment. I didn’t have the words to express why it didn’t resonate with me, but I knew the most of the time, I wasn’t left with a good feeling walking out of the sanctuary. I was always afraid that my “being saved” didn’t quite “take” and that at any moment I would be driven to hell in that proverbial handbasket. And, I didn’t understand why one religion’s beliefs were the “only” way and all others were wrong or misguided. Agape turned out to be exactly how Lily described it with the added bonus that, from the moment I walked into the sanctuary until walking out and beyond, I felt GOOD! No, not Good, GREAT! LOVED!

It was like a wave of love rose up to meet me when I crossed the threshold; a wave that buoyed me through the congregational hymns, the welcoming of first time visitors by the congregation, the musical inspiration, which was a Sufi minister with an angelic voice who chanted in a language that, while I did not understand the words, the feeling tone of the music seemed to lift me even higher into love. (Agape embraces all religions and beliefs. That, alone made me take notice that this place was different.)

When this “Reverend Michael” spoke, he did so with the authority of one who knew some Truth about me that I did not yet remember about myself; one who has sat with the ineffable, has touched the garment of the Christ, and who was so completely down to earth, accessible and funny – all while delivering a message of love for everyone and the planet. I was moved beyond any words this little chatter box could seem to find. So, I did what was easiest for me: I cried. And I cried. And when I was done, I cried a little more for good measure. Never had I felt this kind of all-consuming love. Something in my soul woke up. Those tears washed away years of feeling separated from God. I knew that I was HOME.

Most people who seek out Agape or happen upon it for one reason or another have a similar story: A feeling of finally being home. There is nothing like it. To feel the loving glances and blessings of the culturally and ethnically diverse congregation saying in unison “Welcome to Agape” and to see the sincerity in their eyes and feel the hugs at the end of the service, one may think this is just a touchy-feely new age-y kind of kind of band of religious rebels or misfits. I promise you, it is SO much more!

Rev Michael likes to say, “We don’t come to Agape to feel good. We come here to be free.” Well, freedom sometimes has some high costs.

I dove into this new world with bright eyes and open heart, attending services every Sunday and telling everyone I knew how wonderful a place it was. Several friends were intrigued and came along a couple of times but most, for various reasons, didn’t resonate with the energy there and stopped going. That didn’t matter to me. I was pulled –out of my comfort zone which did not permit me to go into any gathering where I knew no one – into a place and a teaching of such unconditional love that one could not help but be comfortable.

While I went deeper into remembering who I am and reconnecting with Spirit, this new-found freedom started to exact its cost in my life. Friends I’d had for decades started distancing themselves from me, finding we had less in common and less to talk about, and saying I was too “this” or too “that” for them. Financial challenges started showing up with increasing regularity. Ultimately, health challenges followed closely behind, all rocking me to my core and inviting me to stand in the Spiritual Principles I’d learned, the most profound being “all needs met.”

Three little words: All Needs Met. I took that literally as I sat like a Buddha every morning on my sofa, meditating, assuming God would provide for all my needs, while I sat in stillness. Later, of course, I realized that it’s not enough to remain “STILL”. We must move one foot in front of the other, as the ground rises up to meet our feet. Each step in the right direction shows us more and more of who we really are and what we came to be. Support shows up. Abundance shows up. LOVE shows up.

I was taught that what no longer served me would fall away – and it definitely did (and still does!) - but at what felt like the lowest point in my outer life, my spiritual life was blossoming. I was the little flower blooming through the cracks in the hard pavement. Somehow I knew it would all turn out ok.

And it has! Yes, friends and I have parted company along the way and while there is still more than enough space in my heart for them, I also know that our vibrations no longer match and that those old conversations just don’t interest me any longer. For each one that fell away, 3, 4 – 5 more have filled in that space. And, miraculously, some friends from my past have resurfaced with their own awakened journeys! Our conversations go higher and deeper than I’d ever imagined possible. The “aha” moments come faster and faster and I feel my awareness expand on such incredible levels; I am not sure WHAT I was doing with my life up til that first day 2 years ago!

In these past couple of years I have seen myself transform into someone I could never imagine in my wildest dreams!

One of my first realizations of this was while sitting in a sound bath in Eagle Rock on the Summer Solstice. At the end of the sound bath, we were invited to participate in a “Sea of Oms”; 7 deep breaths, exhaling “Om” with each one at our own pace. 50 or so of us together, creating this “sea” of sound – the sound of God ("OM" is the name of God, the vibration of the Supreme in Hinduism.) With eyes closed, I felt compelled to open one eye and take a peek at who was swimming with me in this sea. In that moment, something forever shifted in me. If I could have only seen myself! I was now officially a tree-hugging, veg-head, om-ing being! Let them laugh! I am the Happy Buddha! I shall laugh right along with them!

I’ve heard it said (and I believe) that everyone will eventually wake up. For some, like me, it may happen gradually after a long period of seeming separation. For others, it may be a sudden awakening at the time of their transition out of this physical form. For others, perhaps it occurs somewhere in between. But EVERYONE will wake up.

In the early morning light of my spiritual awakening, as I look in the mirror of my transformation, I see someone familiar; someone that I love being in this very moment! I wipe the sleep from my eyes and I give thanks for the incredible journey ahead; and for all that brought me to this NOW moment.

Namaste’

My Morning Symphony

2011-10-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

The leaves dance –

Moved by the music of the morning breeze

Soon the cars on the highway join in the chorus: Whoosh!
Whoosh! With the occasional SPLASH!

Wind chimes waltz as raindrops, moved by the wind,

write a new melody; they too join in

A tiny bird chirps, hopping from branch to branch

Softly purring her own solo, a cat curls in my lap

In this magnificent stillness,

Drops of love surround me,

Falling down like rain

This is God’s Concert Hall

Forever free and available to one and all.

My Feel Good Tip of the Day!

2011-09-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just had the most amazing experience! One that I highly recommend trying, in one form or another.

I was at breakfast, when I overheard the patrons at the 2 tables directly in front of me talking about their birthdays; she was 93 and he was 14 - today. I basked in the whole "circle of life" moment and immediately knew I wanted to do something I'd never done before: pay for their breakfasts.

I checked my bank account online on my iPhone - just to make sure - and in the time it took to do so, the little 93 year old lady had waddled out the door (that's G3 technology for you!) But the 14 year old was still there with his mom and older brother, waiting for their food.

Just then the mom's cell phone rang - it was the father. I got the impression they were divorced by body language and facial expressions. She handed the phone to the birthday boy. Dad gave him the excellent news about some gift he was arranging for him. You could see the disapproval all over the mom's face. I decided mom could definitely use a gift of her own and I scrambled to the register to pay their tab and mine.

The already-friendly cashier smiled a little wider when I asked to pay their bill and we quickly completed the transactions so I could scoot out the door, annonymously. Mission Accomplished!

By the time I got to my car, tears were streaming down my face, and my heart felt open and wide and, honestly, about to explode! I had no idea doing something like that could bring such an overflow of joy to ME!

In my spiritual beliefs I do believe that the giver gets far more than the recipient and I do give. This was just the first time I'd ever done this "stealth-pay" thing. My only wish would be to see mom's expression when the waitress told her the bill had been paid!

This is a gift that will keep on giving to me. Maybe that mom will remember this - and remind her son of it in the future and be able to tap into that feeling, maybe not. Maybe it will inspire them to do something kind for strangers in their lives too.

As for me, I get to feel my heart space break open wide every time I think of those moments...and as I plot new ways in which I can be a stealth-giver. What a pick-me-up to start my weekend!

Peace, Blessings & Abundant Joy~
Beth

Take a Penny, Leave a Penney

2011-08-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was recently “gifted” with our Spiritual Center’s Women’s Retreat by a dear friend. It was an amazing experience for my mind, body & soul while “awake” and “asleep.”

On rising after the first night’s sleep, I told my 10 other cabin mates,” There was a lot of activity in here last night” - and I wasn’t talking about the squeaking beds or the snoring or trips up and down the ladders of the top bunks for “restoring one’s personal comfort” (ie: peeing!) No, I was referring to the seeming endless stream of “visitors” that I felt moving through the cabin. This was even stranger for me because I don’t refer to nighttime events like this. I call them DREAMS! But these felt different from dreams.

One event in particular really grabbed my attention and hasn’t let go since. It involved Penny.

I was sleeping on the lone bed without a bunk above it, pushed up lengthwise under a window. All of the bunks were lined up along the other side of the room, with a big open space separating us.

I felt a hand pressing against the middle of my back, pushing me, gently at first, then with more force, toward the center of the room – and coincidentally, OFF the bed! At the same time I heard a whisper, then louder: ((Penny)) ….Penny….PENNY!

With the last “PENNY” came a hard, forceful shove by the hand in my back and in my mind I screamed, “WHO’S PENNY?” Just as I caught myself falling to the floor! I put my hand out to catch myself and looked around. 9 peaceful dreamers and one snorer…all in their beds, unaware.

The next day one of my cabin mates tracked down another retreat attendee named Penny and pointed her out to me. I felt very strongly that somewhere, there was someone named Penny with a message for me. I approached her, introduced myself and, since she already had heard the story, asked her rather bluntly, “What do you have to tell me?” Obviously caught off guard (and maybe a little freaked out!) she had nothing. That was OK….the right “penny” would turn up, of this I was certain.

Flash forward 2 weeks and I am sitting with the group of retreat women during Sunday service. During the usual weekly announcements there is a “coming attraction” of who is being interviewed during Rev. Michael’s weekly radio program, The Sound Of Transformation. “This week’s guest is Penney Peirce.” I looked to my cabin mates sitting on my right and could barely hold back my excitement!!! Was THIS my “PENNY”? And yet, I wouldn’t know until Friday! Still, the synchronicities leading to this moment were many, far too many to share here. So…I waited…knowing something amazing was waiting for me at the end of the week!

On the day I was to listen to the replay (not being available for the original airplay time), 2 dear friends of mine who had just met each other were both in my home. The one I’ve known the shorter time asked something of me and I gave her a sarcastic (but I thought FUNNY) answer. She looked to the friend of 15+ years and asked if I was this mean to her when she first met me. (MEAN? ME???) The longtime friend confirmed how I used to endlessly tease her about things she didn’t know. She sweetly laughed it off back then, as does this friend now. Hmmm…Was I really that horrible to the people I love? It certainly wasn’t intended that way.

[I know this is long but, seriously, the revelations I have discovered are worth every word, and then some! It's my story and I've got to tell it!]

The newer friend went on about her day, leaving the longtime friend and I to listen to the archived radio program.

Much of it was very similar to the sermon we’d just heard in church that morning, at least for me. This Penney did say something profound for me that wasn’t discussed in church. She is an intuitive teacher who teaches us how to work with our own personal “home” vibration and is the author of “Frequency The Power of Personal Vibration.” She mentioned how important it is to speak kindly to one another, specifically avoiding…..wait for it……SARCASM!!!

Initially I brushed it off. OH! I knew that was what I was waiting for but still, I tried to look the other way. I realized how much hurt I have caused over my incarnation, being sarcastic to, not only my friends, but to ME! Each self-deprecating comment to myself, and each belittlement to others is a tiny little barb that, even in its seeming-innocent humorous way, has the power to chip away at someone, if that someone gives it the power.

This NOW moment also took me back to a classmate I had at the beginning of study at UTSLA. For some reason I was DRAWN to be overly sarcastic with each and every comment I exchanged with this beautiful soul. Mostly, the comments were directed at me. At one point she looked me square in the eye and with ultimate knowing said:

“I know why I am in your life right now. It’s to show you how to love yourself.”

W-O-W!

From then on, she called me on my sarcasm and how I used it to avoid accepting compliments or to make fun of myself before someone else did and eventually it invited me to take a look at how I was talking to myself. It wasn’t with love. It was tiny barbs of judgment and ridicule delivered in a pretty sheath of humor that made people notice me. I was looking outside of myself for the love and attention I wasn’t able to give myself! Deep? Yes! Huge? ABSOLUTELY!!!

With work, gentleness and patience I gave up being sarcastic with myself and started working on loving me like I love my friends. But, apparently, I still have a way to go on that area too! Being aware is the first step in the journey, right?

As I shared this story with another friend the other day, I was able to do that whole “Take a penny/leave a penny” thing some stores do at their checkout counters. As I told the story, she lit up, having her OWN sarcasm story with an old friend that happened just the day before. For the first time in their friendship, she, too, was called out on her sarcastic ways of communicating! Take a penny/leave a penny!

As I move forward on this journey, I am aware of the power of words and, especially now, how important it is to speak with love and compassion with each other; to truly see the God in each person; friend, stranger, and ME.

I am so grateful to all the “Penny’s” in my life that have been dropped along The Journey To Be(th)

Namaste’

Spiritual Time Out

2011-08-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those moments. One of those times when you need to whine and complain and worry over a situation that, when it clears, will have you saying, “Now WHY did I get so worked up over that again?”

Instead of denying my emotions or the existence of this experience, I am doing what one of my teachers has suggested: Giving myself a sort of Spiritual Time Out. 5 minutes to feel all the crappy feelings I am feeling. Experience all my “problems” and possible outcomes associated with them. I am timing it!

Then, when minute 6 rolls around, I am going to stop. I am going to stop telling God about my little problems and am going to tell my little problems about my BIG GOD, and BOY! They had better watch out!

In minute 6 I am going to return to my Truth. The only truth there is: God is all there is. All my needs are met - ALWAYS. Everything is working together for my good. I live, move and have my being in God.

Even in minute ONE, I know this truth. I know it because it is part of the fabric of my BEing. It’s just that, sometimes, this human experience causes me to temporarily forget who and Whose I am; that I am a Spiritual being having a human experience.

So, got anything you want to whine about with me? The clock starts NOW!

The Buffet Line of Spiritual Transformation

2011-07-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

The other morning I had a dream, which on its surface, seemed somewhat silly. I always write my dreams down and, when they seem confusing, often times they become crystal clear when written on paper.

This is one of those dreams...

I was at my spiritual community, Agape, after service. This Agape didn't look like the physical one in my "real" world ("real" being used loosely here!) It had a practice of serving a huge buffet meal after service. It also had practitioners available for prayer after the service, as it does now. The practitioners gathered outside in the warm sun on wide concrete steps. I was a new practitioner and I made my way to the steps.

Shortly, a women with long blond hair and a "first timers" purple ribbon approached me for prayer. She began to tell me of a "galactic" challenge she was experiencing. I immediately knew this was beyond my scope of experience and began looking around for a more "seasoned" practitioner for her.

I saw Rev. Michael approaching and thought I would introduce them and surely he might help or find someone who could. Of course he was gracious and ready to speak with her once I explained the situation. He looked about briefly, explaining it had been a long day for him - and about to get longer - and said he could really use a cup of coffee. He handed me his empty cup and I sprang into action and headed to the buffet to get it for him.

Once at the buffet I saw an old friend; one who has drifted out of my life in the past few years. She was juggling a stack of books in her arms while trying to fill a plate w/food.

I ran over to her, shocked to see her there! "What are YOU doing here?" (semi-judgmentally) "I've BEEN here for the past year or so. I work with the youth groups." "Funny, I've never seen you." "It's a big place."

We continued to chat as I accompanied her through the line, briefly forgetting my mission to get the coffee. At one point I pulled a piece of meat from the fried chicken breast on her plate.

Eventually we parted ways as the sun was setting. OOPS! Coffee!!! I ran back to the coffee urns only to find them empty. I instantly felt guilty for not taking care of this simple task sooner and wondered if I could sneak past where I'd left Rev. Michael and to my car to race to Starbucks to get the coffee.

Another part of me thought, "He's probably finished talking with the woman and already home!" - I wished that was the case and that he would forget who I was and what I had promised to do.

I snuck down between the cars directly across from the stairs where I'd left him. As I stood to get in my car, he saw me. Our eyes locked. I immediately felt a wave of shame and disappointment wash over me. Then I woke up.

As I said earlier, at first this dream made little sense. As I wrote it down, a perfect picture of my life began to unfold.

I learned a while back that, when one dreams of a spiritual mentor or leader with whom they connect, it is really that person's Higher Self. Hence, Rev. Michael is me. Easy enough to grasp.

I am me. No brainer

The blond, first-timer - also me.

The coffee - simply a symbol for WAKING UP! (To my knowledge, the Rev doesn't even drink the stuff!)

The coffee cup - my thirst for knowledge; to fill up on it

The buffet line - Ah! This is the BEST part of the dream: The path to spiritual transformation!

The friend in line - Well, she was one specific friend from my past, but in Truth, she is many. And my shock at seeing her in line or, on a spiritual path? Well, that was my judgement of everyone that I have judged in my mind that do not believe how I believe or live how I live. (HUGE!!!)

So, to string the symbols together, I saw that I came to ask myself a question of "galactic" proportions, only to believe I did not have the answer. I looked to my Higher Self instead (which, since all is ONE, is God- in/as and through me.)

My wish to WAKE UP to my Truth was represented by an obvious cup of coffee, which, for a time, I conveniently forgot about. Instead, I ran into someone who, despite my personal judgement, was also on the Spiritual Path. She was just on a different part of the path! (or, as my friend with whom I dissected this dream put it: "I was in line for the rice and she was over in the meat section!)

When I grabbed a bite of the chicken, it was me, momentarily forgetting who (and whose I am) - I gave up meat a while ago.

REmembering the coffee as the sun set was me, now, during these past couple of years and later in my life, waking up - and feeling shame, guilt & disappointment for waiting so long.

And finally, creeping away to get the coffee, and meeting my Higher Self in the form of Rev. Michael, in his familiar "locking eyes" way, feeling the guilt and shame rush over me.

This dream really has helped heal a part within me that judges myself too harshly and even more importantly, has seen others as separate from me. My thought til now has always been along the lines of "Why doesn't he/she get it?"

In fact, we ALL get it. There's no way to NOT get it. We just get it at different times and places along the path. And, like it or not, believe it or not, we are ALL on the path! The buffet line is long and full of the most delicious morsels we could ever imagine, manifest - or dream! Grab a plate and let's eat!

To All the Men I've Loved

2011-07-20T09:00:00.001-07:00

Along the road of spiritual transformation, there is much to learn. One of the foundations is that all love begins with self-love. When I hear again, with new ears, scriptures like "Love thy neighbor as thyself" I am invited to ask myself, "Just HOW much DO I love myself?" If my love for my "neighbor" is the reflection, well, let's just say there is much work to be done here!

I know I am holding onto some stuff that no longer serves me, namely extra weight. It has done an excellent job of keeping me protected while I journey on, making sure I don't stretch myself too far. Keeping me out of the cute clothes in my closet that make me feel beautiful when I wear them. Keeping me from enjoying activities that would bring new men into my life - and maybe a loving relationship! It has provided the perfect set of excuses for taking up residence as well: menopause + dissolution of my business partnership & associated stress + spiritual awakening = all combined, it made perfect sense to me.

Yes, this was self-love in one form. It allowed me the time and space for some much-needed reconnection with Spirit and I am eternally grateful for its service. Now it is time to release it.

So I roll up my spiritual sleeves and get to work. Along the way, Spirit has REconnected me with some pretty (& I say "pretty" because they are - inside and out) amazing teachers. Each one of them has added a piece of my puzzle and once I was able to arrange the pieces in the right order, a perfect picture appeared.

I started by using my financial practitioner, J.'s, tool for examining resistance by simply asking "Where is the resistance?" in meditation. Now, this got me into a bit of a health pickle last time I asked this question so I am careful now to ask for some "ease and grace" to accompany the answer!

H. Oh! H! High school bestie who shares the love of breaking down words with me: MIS-take, RE-member, DE-serve. That last one's a doozy! We use it so often as meaning something to which we feel we are entitled. In reality, it is saying the same as UN-served. We agree the better choice is DESIRE and to this day, I still sometimes catch me DEserving myself!

Then there's A. We met once in this lifetime about a year ago & have stayed in touch through Facebook, sharing similar journeys in life, learning and growing from one another. She added the piece of the puzzle called "worthiness" and invited me to explore it from a new vantage point: past relationships. This is where the work is for me now.

It's amazing to me how, no matter how much forgiveness, releasing and other work one does in a particular area of her life, there always seems to be more to bubble up, the deeper the practice goes. This is most true for me in the area of relationship. A. invited me to forgive the men from my past. Forgive myself for my part in those relationships. I checked her invitations off one by one, certain I'd done that step already.

Then I meditated.

I was immediately taken back to 2 important relationships in my life. Both in which I fell long and hard for the guy. And, both in which I have done extensive forgiveness work.

First was my First. Literally. First love. Childhood sweetheart for years but life and families didn't quite provide the needed guidance for us to know what to do in that space and time. In the end, he married someone else and my heart cracked open in agony. I didn't DESERVE to be treated this way! WHY wasn't I good enough to marry? Why didn't he pick ME? I spent YEARS thinking that someday we might actually end up together, sabotaging some possibly great relationships with that thinking, holding onto that thread of hope.

Then, there was a more recent one, several years back now. He was BEAUTIFUL in every way! Smart, successful, drove a nice car, LISTENED to me! Funny! Check, check and CHECK! Everything this girl could want in a guy. And, he seemed to like me too! I was so LUCKY!

I did everything possible to twist myself into what I thought he wanted me to be because I never felt like I completely deserved someone so perfect. Oh, I guess he had flaws, (but not like MINE!) and I chose to see them as cute personality quirks instead. Don't we all?

We had an incredible 10 mos. together by the time my birthday rolled around. After a romantic dinner by the sea he presented my with a diamond necklace - a beautiful 3-stoned "journey" pendant (as in past, present, future). For the first time in those 10 months, I relaxed into "He REALLY likes me!"

2 weeks later he dumped me, saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me. WTH? I was crushed like I'd never been before. Something in me told me, "Yep, you're not good enough for a guy like that. Told ya! You don't DESERVE him."

Several weeks later we decided to become friends with benefits (his idea, not mine - but I did agree), or as I now call it, "A complete absence of self-love and self-worth on my part." We did everything but have a lawyer write up the agreement for us. EVERYTHING was stipulated, from notifying each other if we were going out on a date to how we would indicate we wanted to see the other person. As I write this I am appalled at how little I loved myself during those days!

That relationship went on for 2-1/2 more years, with him "breaking" the agreement twice with the same woman. First time was financially disastrous for me -I read intimate text msgs between them on his borrowed phone while driving and crashed my car. Each time I forgave the indiscretion.

It wasn't until over a year after his last transgression, over dinner, when I told him I had googled this woman - back at the time of these events - that he completely went off the rails, screaming at me, promising to have her prosecute me (?!) if I ever tried to contact her, and thereby ending our "Agreement" once and for all, forever.

I tell this story, not to make him the bad guy. Not at all. All along he maintained his lack of "being" in love with me. Trust me, I did check occasionally. Didn't change my behavior, but I DID check! My lack of self-worth and self-love kept me sticking around with thoughts like "How will I ever find someone this perfect for me again?" and on a deeper level, "He doesn't love you because you're not good enough for him. Maybe if you were thinner, more financially secure, more ______whatever, he would love you. You don't DESERVE him."

After these two relationships replayed themselves at warp speed during my meditation, I saw them from a completely new perspective. I didn't DESERVE them.

That's right. I didn't, then or now or ever, deserve to be in a relationship with, or holding a torch for, someone who doesn't share the same level of commitment and DESIRE as I do.

All of this deep soul searching, and digging up of memories, has allowed me to identify my resistance to my own self love & worthiness, which will allow me to release the "stuff" that no longer serves me, and to begin to love ME in the right ways. It's an ongoing process, but I have the tools to do the work. Only then can I begin to love my "neighbor" as myself, in the way God intended; healthy, whole and full-out!

So, to ALL the men I've loved before, I lovingly say:

You never knew how lucky you were to have someone like me love you. As for me, I didn't deserve you.

PB&J til next time,
Beth

Is there really any "bad"?

2011-07-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a deep, soulful conversation with one of my soul-mates, Thalia, on the topic of good vs bad in the world.

I explained my belief that any perceived "bad" can also be seen as an opportunity for good to come forth. One example I used was that of Adam Walsh and his father, John Walsh, who moved by the abduction and murder of his child, started "America's Most Wanted". Another could be the life of Betty Ford, whose funeral procession I had the timing to find myself behind this morning. HOW many people have been and will be helped because of her personal battle with alcohol? Those numbers may never be known.

When good emerges from "bad" the question must then be asked: "Is there really any bad?"

Then, this morning, this showed up in my awareness:

"There us a story about a golden statue of a Buddha. An army was about to take over the town where monks had the Buddha so they disguised it, covering it with mud and mortar. The ruse worked, and many years later, when all the monks who knew the secret had passed on, a young monk brushed by the statue and some of the mortar fell off. He continued until all of the mud and mortar rubbed off. Lo and behold, there stood a golden statue!

The lesson for us us that no matter what life shows us, there is the possibility of gold hidden in the experience if we are willing to seek it out."

I believe that there is ALWAYS good to be found in everything. EVERYTHING. Not all will see it, but it is there.

From an expanded consciousness we all have the ability to see the gold. But not all are willing to wipe away the mud and the mortar to see it.
What do YOU see?

Be Mindful of Your Pebbles

2011-07-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Just as a pebble dropped into a still pond creates ripples moving out to the banks beyond, much larger than the tiny pebble itself, so do we ripple out into the world with our words, thoughts and actions.

Each ripple of fear, paranoia, lack, limitation and hate expands with every eye that reads, every hear that hears and every heart that feels.

And so it goes with love, forgiveness and truth. A little love ripples int greater love. A little forgiveness heals its way into more forgiveness. A small truth becomes Truth.

Be ever mindful of the pebbles you toss into that still pond of consciousness.
The world is riding your wave.

My Sea of Change

2011-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today as I meditated, I pictured waves lapping up on the shore. The shore was filled with all sorts of life: sea birds, sand crabs, shells - former homes of other sea life. Peaceful and serene.

With each wave that went back out to sea, some birds took flight, some sand crabs were washed back out, or buried themselves in the protection of the sand, shells tumbled over one another with some being carried away by the wave. Yes, many departed this beautiful scene, but many were also left.

As the wave washed back out, I searched for my favorite gift from the sea: heart shells and rocks. These have come to signify moments of connection with the ALL that IS for me. Washed and tumbled over time, hard edges softened, wonderful keepsakes of the day.

I couldn't help but compare this to my life today. Life-long friendships seem to be pulled away - back out to the sea of humanity, only to wash up on someone else's shore. Or, they lightly take flight to soar under another sky. Things I held so closely and as so important - shells of my life before - wash effortlessly away to be used by others.

Then again, there are "hearts" that remain with me always, constant reminders of a beautiful experience.

In all of these observations there is a peace and tranquility, and and assurance. Just as the waves will most certainly return to the shore, I can always count on my life to change, people to come and to go, things to be held in high regard, and to be given away freely. Just as I cannot force the wave to linger on the shore, I cannot force life to stand still. It constantly moves and shifts and flows freely.

There is great freedom here. I let it be.

Everybody has a story and everybody wants to tell it. Here’s mine

2011-04-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

Most people I've known don't typically get excited about having an organ removed from their body. I was no different. But with incredible clarity I was SURE that in releasing my gall bladder with all its infection and poison, I was also releasing a whole lot of old beliefs, bitterness, and condemnation that had some very deep roots. With all the inner work I've done over the past year or so, how could this NOT be exciting for me (minus the pain, of course)? My body had offered up the physical manifestation of all that I have been working to release spiritually. Talk about mind-body-spirit connection!

I have always suffered from lastminuteitus and this was no different. Maybe it has been laziness; maybe it's because deep down in my core I know everything always works out for my good. I lean toward the latter, especially now, and from now on. And while I appreciate the "swoop" of a cleansing, I also realize it doesn't have to be so dramatic, drastic and all-consuming. We can do our work piece by piece, with gentleness and love for ourselves. We don't need to find ourselves bent over the toilet at 2am in agony, wondering "What the heck did I eat?"

But this is how it happened for me. And I bless the whole event, knowing a new sense of clarity and freedom from the old crud that had built up within me; mind, soul & body.

During my hospital stay, both the ER visit 4 days prior and then these days admitted as a patient, I was surrounded by some different energy, clarity and compassion like I've never felt before. And, maybe it was because I was a captive audience of sorts, but people felt the need to tell me their stories.

There was Wanda, the sweet little homeless lady in the ER who held my hand, rubbed my back and proclaimed that I had the appearance of having a whole lot of the world's woes on my shoulders, before she told me her story of a long list of ailments. I found her very soothing and sweet, knowing she is loved by someone somewhere, and in that moment and beyond, definitely by me. I wished she was still there when I left that morning. I wanted to take her home with me, give her a warm meal and let her shower and do whatever I could to make her life a little easier.

Then the ER nurse who felt compelled to tell me of his impending divorce and how his soon-to-be-ex had taken everything from him, including his beloved cat (how could he know THAT is what would get me?). He was bitter, I guess understandably so, and really let loose with how he felt about the whole situation. Through my pain, I felt his pain as his eyes began to tear up. I could see the deep hurt and rejection beyond the bitterness and searched for the right words to say to him. When he returned an hour or so later, he apologized for "dumping" on me, saying he had no idea what made him do that. I told him all the things that were taken from him were just that, things, and prayed he would get his cat back. His wife's leaving was just making the way for a better partner to come along. That was really all I had at that moment.

Then there was my walk back into the ER 3 days later...
As I approached the front doors, a small Asian lady was walking toward me. In my agonizing pain, I couldn't help but notice how much she looked like my friend's mom, who had just made her transition about 2 weeks prior. She looked like Mrs. Hanna when she was healthy and vital, so much so that I stopped to turn and watch her walk away to be sure I wasn't seeing things. Yep, she was still there, walking away in her pretty purple sweater with ruffles along the edges.

A couple of hours later, that same friend, Ren, posted on my Facebook wall that she got a sign from her mom that she was with me: an old rolodex of her mom's was opened to a very old entry for me from some 20 years ago. Talk about a God Wink!

Back in the ER, where you can hear everyone's "story", I realized I "looked" at people differently now. One man who refused to put his clothes on so he could be released and who ran up and down between the beds, well, not too long ago I would have labeled him "drug addict" or "crazy". This time I prayed. When an orderly tried to help him dress he screamed out that the man was going to rape him just as his father had. I was overcome with compassion and prayed again.

There was the nurse who asked me where I lived and then proceeded to tell me about her struggles trying to buy a home with her bad credit. This one actually stopped me in the corridor while I was doing my "walking rounds" after surgery!

Finally, there was the friend who called to check on me who then went into a 10 minute story about the stress and pain of life's current situation. As the friend spoke, I had amazing clarity at the resolution to the ongoing challenge in this friend's life but unsure if it would be taken in the manner it was intended, I remained quiet until an end to the conversation could easily be achieved.

I was also showered with love, prayers & visits from my Agape Community and from my Facebook community, some of which I am still discovering. WOW. No words for the outpouring of love that came my way!! No wonder I felt wrapped in a warm blanket of love the entire time! One of my teachers and ministers, Rev. Coco, called me and spoke the most beautiful prayer for me and with those words, I was able to release a little more, without judging or condemning myself for what I did or didn't due up until that moment. (THIS moment is all any of us ever are guaranteed so why live it looking back?) More love, more healing, more releasing. Will it ever be done? (Short answer: no)

Here's where it gets exciting for me…
I am a big believer in astral projection and other dimensions. I believe that when we sleep, we travel far and wide and experience some amazing things. I have remembered some amazing events from nights past and it makes going to sleep all the more interesting! I have also heard my Spiritual mentor, Rev. Michael, talk about his "travels" to visit people in the hospital during sleep. On Thursday I mentioned to Mary that I would like him to come visit me that night. Why not?

Immediately upon turning off the lights and the nurse closing the door to reveal the wonderful pitch-blackness of my room, I "saw" Rev. Michael step off the elevator on my floor. He had a small stack of papers in one hand and he briskly walked the halls, looking in each room; looking for me.

He came in, dressed in a gray suit, and began to talk to me, interchanging "you" for "I" with great regularity."I thought I was having a heart attack," he said to me (this is what I said to the doctors in the ER last Saturday night). "I've been talking about wanting to make bigger changes in my life and now you have a clean slate and you can do this. All the things you said you wanted to do, I can do now."

I listened intently as he perused through the papers in his hand – as if these were my records of some sort. Soon, he was gone and I sat up thinking, "WOW! That was easy! Ask & you shall receive, right?"

Upon learning the next day that I was still not well enough to go home, I called my friend, Dena, to check in on my cats at home. I basically felt fine, was off pain meds but a little worn out and had a low grade fever I couldn't shake. She offered to do some energy work on me later that evening and I accepted. She is a Reiki Master and I assumed this is what she was going to do. (What I discovered after sharing my experience with her was that she had done Shambala Energy Work on me). She told me to go to sleep, imagining a green light surrounding me. Enjoying my private, semi-private room and its pitch-black stillness once the door was closed, I got ready to go to sleep. ). Somehow during the day, someone had flipped something on at the foot of my bed that gave off a green glow in the room. PERFECT! Green light surrounding me: Check!

I fell asleep and began what was to be a wild night of visions and clearing.

At first, I saw a terra cotta disc floating about 8" above my stomach. It looked like an ancient pot or jar had been broken and this was the base along with about 1" of the pot. On it I could see tiny hieroglyphics etched into it as it spun clockwise, slowly above me. I leaned forward to get a better look at the etchings and then woke. I was dripping in sweat, but upon seeing the green glow in the room, said "green light go!" and went back to sleep.

I saw a perfect Egyptian eye. Then I saw a beautiful Egyptian woman's face around that eye, then her entire form. Then another person standing next to her; then another and another until there was a line of humanity in front of me. While they were real people, they also looked like a charcoal etching. As I traveled down the line of people, they seemed to be coming from the earth itself. By the time I got to the end, the last 2 people were waist-high in the earth, stepping out of it.

Suddenly a burst of bright white light shot out from my heart chakra and completely illuminated the room! BAM! I felt my head hit the pillow with a THUMP as I woke again. Once again I was drenched in sweat. I wiped my face off, shifted into the second of my 2 comfortable sleeping positions, and fell back to sleep.

This time I saw rolodexes – hundreds of them, floating all around me, their cards flying out and away from me. People came into my mind – everyone from the Foremost milkman from my childhood to Mary, my friend who had just visited me, and everyone in between. Each rolodex seemed to represent the memories of an individual.

I was able to think about several people at a time and these thoughts were memories. They were also random and nondescript. None of the memories were of significant moments in time but rather needless little tidbits of information. My mind was racing with all of these and I struggled to quiet my brain, to no avail.

Now I was in a different room in a different place. I was lying on a bed under a window. Outside the window was a beautiful, dark green pine tree. A squirrel made its way up the tall tree and made a nest of pine needles in a crook between 2 branches. It rested its head on its 2 front feet and just stared inside, watching me.

Next to the bed was a radio. A man was interviewing Rev. Michael. Rev. Michael's reply to the interviewer played over and over on a loop: "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting' what you always got". Over and over it repeated. I remember looking at the radio and saying, "Rev. Michael, you came back again!"

All the while, the rolodexes were spinning along with all the thoughts contained within them.

Then, again, the bright white light emanating from my heart chakra burst out from me into the room, lighting it up! It was BEAUTIFUL! Along the edges of the white light there was golden light, like a ruffle almost. Again the force caused my head to bounce back on the pillow and I awoke. WOW!!

The last time, with rolodexes still spinning everywhere, I saw the most beautiful purple-deep blue and white triangular stone where my 3^rd eye was. It floated slowly and changed colors from purple to deep blue with bits of white and back to deep purple. It was the most beautiful stone I've ever seen. At the same time, my crown chakra felt like it was opening wide. My head was now throbbing, so much activity going on with the rolodexes and the stone and all! LOL!! Soon, the nurse was coming in for the early morning vitals-check. I was dripping in sweat with a massive headache. She brought me a Tylenol and I slept for about an hour or so before waking for good, completely drained of all energy, barely able to move.

When the doctor came in I told him how drained I felt and he said it was understandable; considering the surgery I'd been through. HA! I knew it was more than that and I couldn't WAIT to talk to Dena about all of this! Though physically drained, my mind felt amazingly clear and clean – like the final sweep up once you've moved out of your old apartment.

Even now, when I try to go back to some old places of fear and doubt, they are no longer there. I KNOW I am – and will continue to be – OK. I've given up the "but HOW?" and instead am leaning into full trust that I am taken care of and it doesn't have to show up the way my small mind thinks it should look. As Rev Cheryl would say, "Either God IS or God Isn't". Which is it? For me, that answer is even easier than before: GOD IS. And that's ALL there is!

Everyone has a story to tell. This one was mine. But it's an old story now. I am moving on from it, having harvested the gifts of gratitude, insight, compassion, self-forgiveness and love for myself and others. I have a new story to tell, a new territory to discover. I am putting my focus and energy where it can best benefit me, in the Here and Now. It's a beautiful place to be. Join me, won't you?

The Gall of it All ~or~ Where’s the Resentment? – The Final Exam

2011-04-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

Well! My original attempt to keep this blog chronological seems to be retooling itself due to life’s wonderful discoveries that come faster and faster lately.

I will go with the flow…

Upon finishing my last post I immediately came down with the appearance of a cold: congestion, runny nose, the works. I figured this was my body’s way of confirming the work I’d done and was doing. I blessed it, never so happy to have a cold in my life! I finished class growth work in the area of finances, really seeing the supportive Universe that supports all of us all of the time. We worry not that, in taking a deep breath, we limit another’s ability to breathe. We don’t even THINK about the fact that, while we sleep, as well as all day long, our hearts keep pumping blood without needing reminding. We turn the water on in the bathroom and there it is. It’s clean and free-flowing. We flip a switch and the electricity is there. Yes, supported without our input. These are all examples of our supportive Universe.

I was also “invited” to experience the tangible supportiveness of the Universe on many occasions prior to the end of class, but especially on the last night of class. Coming out to find a flat tire in the darkness, with a throng of classmates and practitioners willing to help, really wrapped up the class with a greasy ribbon for me! As I watched someone I didn’t even know, huddle next to my car by the light of a friend’s headlights at 11PM at night, I heard a voice say to me, “THIS is Agape. THIS is your community.”

Upon completing the class work, I also recognized how tied together we all are. I post something and it touches someone hundreds or even thousands of miles away. One bright comment or smiley face has that power! It’s true! I, too, have been moved to tears by a note or comment written to me from across the virtual plane and something shifts, something I thought before changes. Instantly. We affect each other, support each other with encouraging words, and we help each other through some trying stuff. I really thought I had gotten the lesson of the Supportive Universe but my big Final was still ahead….

2AM Sunday Morning I awoke to intense stomach and chest pains. Initially I thought it was the ice cream that I had the night before, that I rarely treat myself to anymore, then later, a heart attack. After a couple of hours of vomiting and curling in the fetal position, I found my friend and Reiki healer, Jacqui, online in South Dakota. I emailed her asking for some relief. By the time she followed up after sending energy, to tell me she had a stabbing pain in her gall bladder area and thought that might be my problem, I was checking myself into the local ER. 8 hours later I was released w/a diagnosis of gall stones and given prescriptions for pain and nausea.

If you follow the teachings of Louise Hay, which I do, she has this to say about the mind-body connection and gallstones and what they represent: Bitterness, Hard thoughts, condemnation, pride.

Sounds about right, considering the inner work I’ve been doing. Again, I blessed the idea that my body was “confirming” the work I was doing and quickly decided I could holistically eliminate these little buggers once the pain passed. Easy-peasy!

After 3 days of continuous pain, difficulty breathing and high fever, I was convinced by several veterans of gall stones to return to the hospital. None of their “stories” sounded like this. After additional testing I was told surgery needed to be done right away. With my sweet friend and classmate, Mary, by my side, we came up w/the list of questions to ask the surgeon - something I was too doped up on pain meds to really consider on my own. She handled everything with the doctor with ease and grace, prayed with me and even pulled out Agape’s Inner Visions daily devotional to read to me which, no surprise was PERFECT for the occasion! All about releasing – even if it’s not in the way we’d prefer, in order to be open to something greater.

I have to say that, during the entire time I was going through this “adventure”, I was never afraid. Concerned once or twice, but never afraid. Now, I live alone and I have had some health scares before when I’ve been in a relationship, or knew I could call a neighbor. Still, during those past times, I was afraid: What if no one missed me? What If I pass out and can’t contact anyone and I’m found lying on the floor with my cats by my side? – You know the story.

Well, this time, I can honestly say, there was a palpable feeling of safety and love all around me like a warm blanket constantly. My spiritual community was praying for me as soon as word got out Sunday morning and believe me – I could feel it! Not once did I think I would be left to fend for myself.

I drifted off under anesthesia repeating “I am/God is” and woke on the other side to discover I was now a milestone in my surgeon’s career: Largest, most infected gallbladder he’s seen in 40 years! The next day I quoted Rev. Michael Beckwith to my surgeon, “Don’t let your floor be your ceiling.” I figured I had given him the opportunity after so many “routine” surgeries, to expand his gift to humanity by stretching the limits of laparoscopic surgery, which he had done beautifully! I don’t think he fully understood the quote but it was just one way I could honor the God I saw in him.

As I began my journey back, I had a strange sense of accomplishment. That I had, in one fell swoop, rid myself of all the bitterness and resentment that was still lingering from a lifetime of self-judgment, of seeming failure, and of the pride I held, believing I could make everything better without anyone’s help.

I really thought I had got the message that “I live in a friendly & supportive Universe”. Guess the Universe REALLY wanted to make sure I was clear on this! It did, but there was one last little bit of work to be done….

Where's the Resentment?

2011-03-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

That was the question we were invited to ask ourselves in class this past Monday. For, me, that is a deep question, for which there was no immediate clear answer.

It is now Friday and the answer is bubbling to the surface. Yesterday, I was watching a daytime talk show in which the new “Must Have” spring fashions were being paraded down a small runway. I felt a stab of resentment at the term “MUST HAVE”. “For YOU maybe,” I thought to myself. Right now MY “Must Haves” include rent, car payment, insurance payment and enough left over to cover the overdraft on my checking account. Oh, and maybe if I’m super lucky, some food for the coming week.

Ok. I could start with this: Resentment for those who have disposable income. (Disposable income that I used to have too!) I looked at each of the hosts and thought, “Yeah, you are guaranteed a paycheck this week, aren’t you? You can buy whatever you want whenever you want without so much as checking your bank account first. I, on the other hand, used my laundry quarters to put $5.00 of gas in my car in order to get to the class referenced above, a class, which, by the way, was GIFTED to me, only to be asked this ridiculously annoying question which brings me back to you 4 women sitting there in your guaranteed paychecks telling me I “MUST HAVE” a $400.00 spring outfit!

Yeah, that is a good place to start!

Then, I was given an even BETTER show of my resentment: MFBP (My former business partner). I have a feeling THIS is the real crux of my resentment matter.

In our business dealings together, in our new relationship as vendor and client, I became annoyed with his inflexibility with respect to a certain policy of his in the first month of this new relationship. His explanation was that this was the policy for all of his wholesale clients and I was to be no exception. Really? How could he be so cold and unmoving in this little tiny, temporary request? After ALL I had done for him to even GET him to this place of success in his business!?!? Remember, I helped BUILD this enterprise! (Boy! How easy is it to drop back into "victim" mode peppered with a large dose of indignation!!!)

To me, he has become tight-fisted and greedy. To me, he is living his American Dream and has everything he ever set an intention to have or become. WHY couldn’t he give a girl a break?!

Not sure how to resolve the predicament, I went to what has rapidly become my “go-to” problem-solving device: sleep. The old adage, “Ask and it is given” has never been proven so right to me as it has in my dream state.

I simply said silently, “I call forth Divine Intelligence and know that there is a clear answer within me coming forward. Speak to me in a way that I can clearly understand and guide me to my divine resolution to this “seeming” conflict. I give thanks for knowing the way has already been made, that Divine Right Action has already gone before me, making the way clear for me. I let it be, and so it is.”

I went to sleep.

At 3am on the dot, I was awakened by the sounds of my laptop, which I had closed and placed under my bed after watching a program earlier, before falling asleep. It was “playing” a clip from this show….WTH? I reached under the bed, flipped open the top and though the clip was playing, the display was asking for my user password – as if the computer was just turned on! I struggled to find the keys to type in my password but in the dark, with no contacts or glasses on, this did not go so well. After 2 failed attempts, the computer just went dark and the clip either ended or stopped playing. I closed the lid, shoved it back under my bed, and snuggled back in next to my cat, which had slept through this whole event.

I lay there for a while trying to figure out what had just happened when I realized I hadn’t been “given” my dream yet. So, I became a tad firmer in my request:

“I command the Universe to guide me in these last 2 hours of sleep I have remaining tonight.”

Somewhere between 3:30 and 5:30am I had the following dream:

MFBP’s installer went to remove some signs for one of my clients and to hold these signs for “parts” for future use. I clearly saw 8 of the same part put into stock. Somewhere down the line, my client had need for 6 of these parts. Also down the line, it was forgotten that these parts existed.

At the same time, I owed MFBP a sum of $ 900.00 and change and I did not have it. We spoke on the phone about this and I felt incredible stress because he was not willing to do the work for the client needing her 6 sign parts until I paid him in full for this outstanding debt.

I was in a Catch 22. I would HAVE the money once this work was done but I couldn’t GET the work done until I paid the MONEY. Additionally, since the existence of these parts had been forgotten, I had to order NEW parts for my client’s needs. I felt a tightening in my chest and a shortness of breath as I felt my back being shoved against the proverbial and financial wall.

The scene changed and he was standing at my desk, giving me the last of commissions owed me from our previous business arrangement. The check total was $1068.00. At the same time, I was handing HIM a check for the balanced owed of $900. I was receiving more than I was giving!

Almost simultaneously his shop manager was on the phone with both of us saying there was no need to fabricate the 6 parts my client needed; he had the parts in stock. In fact, there were 8 parts - MORE THAN ENOUGH to fulfill the order!

I woke knowing that I am divinely supported and provided for at every turn, even when it looks quite the opposite. Sometimes, no, MOST times, I am just looking in the wrong place for my answer; for my supply.

Sometimes dreams provide clear answers for me. Sometimes they replay events or are symbolic of real events and invite me to look at those events from a new perspective.

Perfectly timed, a post arrived on my Facebook wall yesterday, regarding just this subject. Here is an excerpt:

To a psychologist, dreams are more than an electrochemical process. Each one is a precious seed that can be nurtured and fertilized so that it will sprout, grow, and bloom to give fullness and understanding to our waking hours.

Therapists feel that dreams are the secret portal through which the psyche pours vital information into consciousness as a way to keep emotional balance during waking life. Dreams are a way for us to work out the difficulties that are suppressed rather than experienced during the day.

In my private healing practice, I’ve discovered that it isn’t always the traumas that we have fully experienced that block us. It’s often the traumas or difficulties that we did not allow ourselves to experience fully, or that we have suppressed, that create barriers in our lives.

Dreams can be one way to release those repressed emotional barriers.

It is clear to me now, the work that I must do. I woke looking at MFBR differently. He is no longer someone who “took” something from me.

He is a capable and honorable supplier of goods and services that benefit my clients and my relationships with them. I respect and honor him as a “gifter” (a term I recently learned in class) in my business and my life. I am grateful and thankful for his abilities to grow his business which in turns provides my business with its goods and services. A divine circuit exists here and I honor it with timely payments.

Just in the writing of that paragraph I feel a shift in my emotions and feelings about and for him. WOW! It feels like I let go of some resentment toward him. And in Reality, that resentment toward him is actually resentment toward ME and how I got here. It always is. These events and experiences are all just mirrors back to us; invitations to love and forgive ourselves a little more. I get it. I am not completely there, but I get it.

All this self-discovery can be exhausting! Think I’ll go take a nap now!

The Shape of Things to Come....

2011-03-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks I sloooowwwwly began to examine how to make my next move in moving away from the business that I started and planned on having until long after retirement age.

I spoke w/trusted friends and confidants, wrote endlessly in my journal about being frozen, unable to move forward, and continued to sport a growing spare tire made not of rubber but of fear, stress and uncertainty. I also felt an incredible pull to spend time with my dear friend, Thalia, who lives in the desert. It was more of a soul craving. This woman entered my life years ago when her life had taken a 180 degree turn. I was a sort of “way show-er” for her then but the tables turned very quickly and she became one of those deep soul connections and wise ones that I turn to when I need the guidance and clear headed-ness of a mother figure. (She is not old enough in chronological years to actually BE my mom, but her wisdom is timeless and ageless!)

I spent the following weekend in her nest, under the wings of her friendship and love, sipping champagne, floating in her pool, and talking about everything except the current situation in my life. It wasn’t avoidance. It was healing and restorative. My ego and life plan had taken a huge hit, and just needed some good old fashioned unconditional love for a couple of days. I got it in abundance, along with some much-needed Vitamin D and laughter.

Funny how, when you put some distance between you and the problem, things start to clear. (This is a lesson I have been invited to learn over and over and over again in the months since!) I used to say it was like being in the eye of the storm; you can’t see what is out there beyond because you are too close to it. But in reality, isn’t the eye of the storm the most CALM?

Anyway, the plan began to take shape. On the advice of a trusted attorney friend of a friend, it was decided that the best thing to do was to sell my shares and simply walk away from the business, and start over again (whatever that meant!) After all, my partner wanted to be on his own so badly, he had already offered to assume all of the debt AND agreed to me retaining all of my clients (about 90% of all the company’s client base), allowing for me to continue selling and designing without the overhead burden. In hindsight, where’s the loss?

The loss was to my ego. This was MY business too. It hurt me deeply to think that someone could commit to building something with you and then, without notice, yank the proverbial rug out from under you without warning or the possibility of a changed mind. But, like my partner used to say, this was a marriage without the love. In my mind, this “marriage” would have continued indefinitely. In his mind and in his real life, he was about to enter a 2^nd marriage. Guess there’s only room for one “wife” at a time, huh?

As I looked back, I saw that his previous “real” marriage had ended as he and I began the business together, and not because there was ever anything between us. Remember, it was a “marriage without the love”. I wondered about his commitment abilities in the face of adversity (Nice projection, right?) In my hurt and pain, I was somehow able to keep the snide remarks about “warning” his new bride about his 5-year commitment expiration date to myself, though I know I journaled about it!

I do not claim to be faultless in his arriving at his decision to end our partnership. In the first couple of years, we used to laugh at how easy it was to run this business, compared to the struggles our previous employers encountered; how clients and business just found their way to us, without much effort on our part. I guess we both got comfortable. When the economy took its nosedive, we didn’t react in the most timely of manners and it took its toll. And, I just didn’t react at ALL. I just let it flounder and suffer until it was on life support. Instead of pulling the plug on the entire thing, he simply chose to amputate the dead weight: me.

I used to think of us like those sons in the Bible – the good son and the prodigal son. My partner always seemed to have his shit together while I, much older, was still struggling to pay my bills, spending everything I had as fast as it came in. I had virtually no savings and no plan. He had used what was given to him wisely. Me? Not so much. Mixed in with the hurt was a huge dose of guilt and shame. He was calling me on this without ever pointing a finger or saying a word. I see it now as a wakeup call for me, albeit at the expense of others in the process. It was a painful lesson but, as I later discovered, life had gone on ahead of me, making the way for me while I took my time to catch up…

In April my soon-to-be-ex-partner married his soul mate. At the reception, his mom spoke of how proud she and her husband were of their son, coming to America and learning a trade and now, ultimately owning his own business. I was now officially nothing: in the room and yet invisible for the contribution I made to that business. As the 7 stages of grief go, pain & guilt were moving on. Anger had arrived. I was pissed!

Flat, or Round?

2011-03-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

Rev. Joanne spoke in last night’s service at Agape. She spoke of a time on the planet when everyone alive believed the world to be flat. Generations lived and died “knowing” this, basing much of how they lived on this “fact”.

Aristotle argued that the earth was round back in his day (384-322BC). Then, one day, some 2200 +/- years ago, Eratosthenes noticed how sunlight fell straight into a well in one location, while it fell at an angle some distance away in another city at the same time and he was able to conclude that the Earth was round. He was even able to estimate its circumference.

I wonder, how long did it take for this exciting new discovery to make itself known to all people on the planet? With communication as it was back then, I can only imagine there were doubters, naysayers, and even maybe some frightened people still holding on to “flat thinking” for many years after the discovery. Eventually, however, the word made its way aROUND the planet.

Once this was known, a new world was born. Old ways of doing things, once limited, began to fall away. New possibilities for commerce, discovery and travel emerged. The evolution of the planet moved forward and with it, on absolute truth:

Once you’ve lived on a round planet, you can never return to a flat one.

As I consider all the ways in which life changed once this discovery became known, I wonder what new discoveries are being birthed right now, in my lifetime? What old ways of living on this planet are slowly being replaced by new, more efficient ways? As I watch brick and mortar businesses being replaced by virtual ones, banking systems fail, countries default, and democracy & freedom break out all over the planet, I see the evolution of our planet moving forward still, breaking free from our own, old, “flat earth” way of thinking. Sometimes painful, sometimes exhilarating, but all the while, moving forward.

The best part of all of this? Each of us gets to choose: Flat or round? Do you want to keep forcing the old (flat) way of thinking and being, which is proving to be outdated with every passing day, or the new (round) ways of discovery? You can co-create a better world or you can fight to save paradigms that have been outgrown. We are all on the edge of our “flat” earth right now. What do you see as you stand on that edge? An end or a beginning? Flat, or round?

Plan B

2011-03-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Well, as it turned out, Hormone Replacement Therapy will alleviate symptoms of menopause, but it will most definitely NOT alleviate symptoms of evolution and transformation of the Soul.

Balancing my hormones was essential to finding a solid footing again in my everyday life but it was of no use in swaying the decision of my business partner to sever our relationship.

I was caught in a space of, one on hand, feeling energized and vital again and, on the other, frozen in my tracks, unable to see where I was supposed to focus this new-found energy. I was forced to deal with arriving at some agreement w/my partner on how to separate the business and yet every time I thought about it, all of that energy just turned into an anxiety attack! Had I done myself more harm than good with HRT? Wouldn't just sleeping through this whole mess be a better idea?

As I write this, those old feelings - of a tornado whirling inside my gut, short breaths - return and I start to question my sanity in reliving that time in my life.

Slowly over the following weeks I began to take regularly-paced breaths again - occasionally. I discovered meditation. In language I had never used before, I told myself that if I could "be still enough to listen", the answers would come. In those moments of peace I was able to start seeing my way through the current events of my life; to develop Plan B. Simply stated, the plan was this: NEVER BE IN THIS POSITION AGAIN! (Which, loosely translated, REALLY means, NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE AGAIN!)

As I reflected on my life, I began to see a pattern. While I had not yet married, there was always someone in my life on whom I depended to get me out of a jam or with whom I built something. In younger years it was my mom. Later, it was boyfriends. These past few years, it had been my business partner. It had never been "just me". As a result, I tended to end up disappointed and disappointING. More importantly, I started to feel like I hadn't actually learned the lessons I was supposed to learn, and was repeating events in order to force the lessons. I was onto something here. I could feel it!

I could also feel pain developing in my right arm and shoulder. Certain it was a pinched nerve, I initially TOTALLY missed the connection between carrying the "weight of the world" on my shoulders and what was happening in my little world.

On February 15, 2009, on my way to my bedroom, I wrote this entry in my journal:
"8:45PM - Maybe all I want to do is work just enough to get by - not make some grand fortune - but have lots of spare time to do other things. What other things? Volunteer - work at some non-profit? I don't know...It just kind of popped into my head as I was walking to bed."

While I wasn't completely aware of it, my old world was dissolving around me. A great teacher has said "You have to have a breakDOWN to have a breakTHROUGH". I hadn't heard this teacher yet, but when I heard this statement for the first time, some months later, I REmembered it somehow.

Plan B was taking shape…