The Junk Food Junkie

How to Enjoy Little Seizure's Pizza

2013-04-08T14:27:00.003-07:00

....don't eat anything for a week beforehand.

Vol. 38: Popeye's Strawberry & Cream Cheese Pie

2013-04-06T01:47:00.003-07:00

Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have seen recently (okay, okay, around flippin’ Valentine’s Day, ugh) that I had posted I was going to try this deliciously-insane concoction from Popeye’s, that looks like something that Paula Deen would concoct in her wet dreams.

Well, bottom line was, I did. I suppose you could say the delay in my posting this review is enough to express the ~~soul-crushing let-down~~ indifference with which I have to type this. Let’s start with the photographic crap:

The official shot

My shots

Notice I had to take two (2) shots to fully illustrate the utter absence of filling. Sure, I told myself, it’s okay, you just got a bad one and all the filling leaked out. Well, I might be persuaded to believe that if the seams weren’t intact, so there wasn’t anyplace for the filling to leak from.

It was truly a depressing moment. What I did taste of the filling, a gooey and not-too-sweet mix of delicious, creamy strawberries and satiny cream cheese – imagine, if you would, a slice of strawberry cheesecake wrapped in a condom of dough and dropped gently into a loving vat of oil until it’s all warm and ooey ~~and try not to get hard at the thought~~ – was absolutely amazing. The problem was, as you can see from the photographs.. there wasn’t hardly any of it present.

Yes, I even took a second shot in the same pose with the flash on so you can see allll the way back into the end of that cave of would-be heaven, only to find that it’s not hiding in the back like filling is so wont to do in Lukewarm Pockets.

All in all, it’s a great theory. I’m not sure if they’re trying to keep the filling to a minimum to minimize the caloric damage eating one would do – although, let’s be honest, if you’re eating a deep fried strawberry cheesecake you’re probably not worried about calories. So, to Popeye’s, I declare: More filling = more delicious!

The Verdict

2/5. It’s a good start, but needs refinement. I’ll eat another one if I have a coupon or get one free, but I can’t see myself paying for it again.

The Broke Bloke Muses: Almost-Chicken Flavor Ramen

2013-04-06T01:10:00.002-07:00

First things first, no, I'm not dead. I have, however, been working on getting my first book published, which it has been. YAY! You can check it out at this fancy link here, if you'd like, or ignore it completely. If you ignore it, however, I do reserve the right to hunt you down and fill your ears with potted meat while you sleep. Which is far more disgusting than it sounds. (I can attest to this from personal experience.)

So I recently (read: 40 minutes ago) came up with an idea in an attempt to improve the flavor of that wonderful broke-people staple, ramen noodles. You know you've had them before, and if you haven't, then you're missing out on one of the most ~~terrifying~~ amazing creations known to man.

I refer to it as "almost chicken" flavor for the rather obvious reason that it "almost" tastes like chicken. (Do not confuse this with the Roast Chicken flavor, which is actually pretty decent.) Easily one of the nastiest flavors of ramen to this ~~amazing~~ humble writer's taste palate, almost nothing can redeem it's nauseatingly salty aftertaste and disturbing, too-yellow color. These are the ramen packages I use when I want the noodles and nothing else, and the seasoning packet goes in the trash.

But I digress. My idea was simple: combine several other things I have on-hand in an attempt to improve the flavor of Almost Chicken. This is what I came up with:

Yes, this means I put Szechuan style peppers and ~~gag~~ Vienna Sausages into a prepared pack of Almost Chicken flavor ramen. The results were... surprising, actually.

The Szechuan peppers, while great on their own and in other ramen flavors, did literally nothing to mask the suck that was Almost Chicken.
Vienna sausages, even rinsed of their vaguely animal-product-like canning goo, also did not improve the suck factor.
However, the Szechuan-infused faux-poultry broth did improve the flavor of the Vienna sausages, making them actually palatable.
Note that I said "palatable" and not "good."

So the next time you're browsing about your kitchen, wondering what you could possibly do to improve the flavor of that one lone orange pack of noodles that you're trying to use up before they expire ~~but don't really want to~~, keep this little tidbit in mind. Save your peppers.

Vol. 37: Taco Bell's XXL Nachos

2012-11-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

According to the file date on this picture I took, I ate these, like, almost two weeks ago. And haven’t written about them yet. Yeah, I’m slacking, especially since I’ve made another two posts since then. Life happens ~~and/or I’m a slacker~~.

So I’ve seen them several times on the windows of Taco Bell as I drove by, and told myself, “Self! That’s creative photography. The XXL Nachos aren’t going to be that big. Just a fancy version of a Nachos BellGrande.” That’s what I said, at least, until I got the order and they had to bust out a special bag and hold it sideways to get it through the tiny drive through window. Observe:

XXL Nacho Glory

There’s no camera tricks in that shot. My pinky is actually touching the plastic base. These things are ~~friggin’ huge~~ quite large by fast food portion standards. I’d bet two “normal people” could share an order and be quite happy with the results, and there’s no shortage of cheese, both nacho and shredded.

Just make sure you wash your hands, first. Or ~~be a preppy wuss and~~ use a fork.

I know you’re probably expecting some enlightening and witty commentary on how good they are. Well, for Taco Bell, they’re pretty danged good. The fact that there’s over a pound on that tray lends itself absolutely no bias to my ~~gluttonous~~ opinion. The truth of the matter is, it’s standard chips, TB guac, sour cream, TB “beef” (or steak or chicken, depending on which one you order), sour cream, refried beans, nacho cheese sauce, the cheddar/jack shredded blend, and some fancy-lookin’ pico de gallo.

If you didn’t like Taco Bell beforehand, this isn’t going to be some manna-from-heaven specially blended mixture that’ll convert you into a tacobellian. (For that, go to Salsarita’s.) On the other hand, if you are already a semi-regular partaker of the Fourthmeal, and like nachos, then this needs to be on your to-try list. Eat all the goodies. All of them. THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN. And all that noise.

Key differences between the XXL Nachos and the BellGrande:

1.) Guac and pico come STANDAD on the XXL. (Shout-out to CrandyBole for pointing out the typo. -Ed.)

2.) There’s like, a ~~pant~~load more in the XXL.

3.) They’re called “XXL Nachos” in an attempt to make you feel fatter than saying BellGrande.* Cuz, that’s like, two more extras than the Spanish word for “big” alone. (Pfft. Silly mortals, thinking that would dissuade me.)

4.) The tomatoes aren’t spread around on the XXL, but rather clustered into a scoop of pico. That doesn’t bother me, as it allows for more controlled mater distribution on a per-chip basis.

5.) NEITHER OF THEM HAVE GREEN ONIONS. (wtf, TB? Get with the game. Bring them back!)

*this statement is not approved or endorsed by whatever Buttweasel Legalhonker at Taco Bell wants to sue me for making false claims. Get a sense of humor.

And, for you skinny-no-appetite-having types out there, the XXL’s are $4.99 for an order. Split it with a friend and it’s two fifty apiece. Can’t beat that. Those of you that can actually finish a Triple Baconator (fancy link) might want to get a MexiMelt to go with it.

The Verdict

4/5. Pretty big and pretty good value for the money, considering the hefty amount of toppings piled on. If they jack it up too much higher, though, it’ll fall to a 3. Because, when all is said and done, it is still Taco Bell. This does not mean that I have not eaten them several times already.

Broke Bloke Gourmet: Spicy Tuna Nachos

2012-11-19T16:16:00.003-08:00

It’s about that time, folks… time for me to share a bit of the culinary MacGyver-ing that I’ve been up to in the last ~~month~~ week. Actually, I made this a few nights ago, but just haven’t gotten around to posting it up. Because I’m lazy like that.

This last Friday night, I found myself hungry, with no real possibilities in sight. The only things that were sticking out in my pantry as ~~not moldy or expired~~ “edible” were a can of tuna and half a bag of tortilla chips. Thus was the birth of…

Spicy Tuna Nachos!!!

Don't knock them before you try them. I don't post my failed experiments (like the gin martini with hot dog water instead of olive brine) here, unless it's pointed mockery. So here’s the dealie-o.

yeah, yeah, so nearly everything in the picture is from Wal*Fart, gimme a break

Step 1: Artfully arrange your tortilla chips on a plate so that they’re not overlapping much, but close enough together so that no large white spaces are showing through. This is best done with care, and not dumping them on a plate and shaking it. Which works, but your nachos will just suck.

Dump a small apocalypse of cheese onto the chips, as illustrated above.

the cup was for the tuna water. mmmmm. tuna water

Step 2: Drain the tuna into a cup. I meant the tuna water, not the actual fish. Drink said tuna water. Engage in salty fishy yummy noises of delight that mimic ~~porn stars~~ clydesdales in heat. Okay, I suppose that part is optional.

Anyway, once your tuna is good and properly drained, drop little bits here and there around your nachoey-ness. In the picture above, I only used about 1/3 of a “normal”-sized can of tuna, so your mileage may vary on how many plates of Spicy Tuna Nachos of Amazingness you’ll get out of a single can.

more cheese

Step 3: MOAR CHEEZ!!!

Then pop the sumbiotch into the microwave and nuke it for approximately 30 seconds or until cheese is melted. Radiation cookers differ by wattage, so take that into consideration with your zapping time by consulting the chart below:

Wattage Cook Time

===== =======

1200W 26 seconds

1100W 30 seconds

1000W 34 seconds

900W 1.2 hours

please consult manufacturer instructions

before following these cook times.

Step 4: Now that the highly dangerous cooking phase is completed, you can apply an artistic drizzle of ~~your roommate’s~~ hot salsa over the top. Make sure to follow the precise pattern outlined above exactly to ensure maximum flavor. Failure to do so will result in your death by tonsil cancer. Or something.

And, last but not least….. GO EAT THEM ALREADY!!!

Vol. 36: Pizza Hut's Overstuffed Supremo Pizza

2012-11-19T11:12:00.001-08:00

So, for real, I’m not even gonna beat around the bush on this one.

This is, by far, the biggest disappointment Pizza Hut has ~~crapped out~~ launched in the past several years. After launching and then almost immediately yanking the P’zolos from my market area? Argh!!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my Pizza Hut. (See fancy link, here.) And I’ll freely admit that has made me somewhat biased. But this? This isn’t a matter of opinion on pan vs. thin vs. original crust, or pepperoni vs. sausage (the correct answer is “sausage,” anyway), or any of the multitudes of other possibilities that can turn a pizza from “amazing” to ~~a chewy case of toe jam~~ “mediocre.”

This is just ~~bull honkey~~ pathetic execution. No two ways about it. In fact, let me count the ways.

The initial product shot

At first glance, this looks to be pretty good. That’s part of the reason I got it in the first place, thinking to myself, “Hey, Self ~~who should really eat a salad instead~~! This looks like a gigantic P’zone! That’s AWESOME!” It smells good, too. Don’t be fooled by it’s siren’s song of deceit.

Further down the rabbit hole

Then you start eating it. For the first several bites, you’ll try and convince yourself that, oh, I’m just at the beginning, it’s mostly crust because it’s that stuffed thing, and I’ll have to get to where the crust opens up to get to the goodies” – like this is a dollar Hot Pocket and not a $13+ pizza – except the crust never f~~%&$ing~~ opens up. Don’t believe me? I ripped apart the slice out of sheer frustration to reveal the following ~~male bovine fecal matter~~ disappointment.

WTF. For real? I wish there was a rabbit in here.

There’d be more meat.

Really. Really?? THIS is what constitutes “overstuffed?” This barely even qualifies as “stuffed.” Unless you want to say it’s stuffed with more crust. What. The. Hell.

The whole breadth of that slice, and there’s one squirt of sauce and an onion? Oh, and one pepper over there somewhere? Where’s the friggin’ beef? Hell, where’s the friggin’ anything but crust? This is the kind of stunt I’d expect Red Baron to pull. Or Tony’s. Or some other frozen pizza brand. Not what I expect from Pizza Hut, and certainly not what I expect to spend more than I would on a regular large pizza on.

Get your ~~s#!%~~ crap together, Hut Peeps. This level of weaksauce is not very enamoring. I’m not even finishing slice number two – and that’s not because I tore the other slices up looking for meat, or cheese, or hell, even sauce, anything but friggin’ crust.

It’s because I don’t feel like eating an over-glorified breadstick.

Oh, and because I’m supposed to find something positive? Here’s a positive. It’s not greasy. It’s not greasy because there’s nothing delicious to create grease in or on it.

The Verdict

2/5. This only gets a two because, if it was lying around and I was hungry, yes, I probably would eat it. After doctoring it up and cussing whomever ordered it out for wasting their money. Get a $10 large any way you want it and give the rest to the delivery guy if you want.

Vol. 34: Domino's New Pan Pizza

2012-11-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

So I forgot to take a lunch to work the other day. And, naturally, I was starving within minutes of arrival. This is nothing new. Not being entirely sure of what I wanted to eat, however, is somewhat new. Ish.

After perusing a number of online menus, I stumbled across an advertisement for Domino’s new Pan Pizza. Crustless, with two layers of cheese and toppings all the way to the edge. It aroused me piqued my interest. And yes, I’ve been informed this has been advertised on television for weeks. I don’t have TV, so I didn’t know. Don’t judge me.

The bottom line is I had completed the order for a $7.99 medium unicorn & rainbow sausage and mushroom pie before I realized I had even picked my toppings. There was a minor incident where I nearly peeled a coworker’s face off with my teeth out of hunger because it took almost an hour to arrive - although, in Domino’s defense, it did say that it would take 56-66 minutes on the order confirmation - but that particular crisis was averted through the judicious application of Nutty Bars to my face.

And then, it had arrived, and there was much lewd pelvic thrusting rejoicing. Or both.

On the box, I couldn’t help but notice the following:

At first glance, this box topper may illustrate why it took a sodding hour to get my grub, and appear to be nothing more than soliciting employees from their established customer base. Fine, right? Except the last bullet point, where it says “Hustling is a must.”

Really, Domino’s? I’m all down for making your paper however you can and getting ahead of The Man, but I’d feel kind of awkward if Huggy Bear delivered my pizza. I’m just sayin’. Especially when it is immediately followed with “Domino’s Pizza is a drug free environment.” Trying to find a drug-free hustla? Next they’ll want an honest politician. (Zing!)

Inside the actual box

Upon returning to my desk, I opened the box and molested inhaled a slice before realizing what had happened. This is evidenced in the above picture, which shows that they weren’t kidding - there’s plenty of crispy burnt cheese on the edges (which is, like, foodie porn) and it has a nice balance of toppings and cheese distribution. Oh, and sauce. Yeah, that stuff. The red stuff that makes it easier to swallow.

As for the dough, I was pleasantly surprised. This pan pizza could seriously give the legendary Pizza Hut pan pizza a run for the money. Not only is it nicely flavored and textured, but the bottom retains its crispy texture without swimming in grease like its obvious competitor’s. Not that the box-soaking grease levels are a bad thing. It’s like grub lube. But after eight or nine slices, it tends to get a bit much. Which is why I’m giving the crust points to Domino’s. Shockingly.

Also, Domino’s has better mushrooms than Pizza Hut. The rest of the toppings, however, are individually up for debate. As is the cheese. And sauce. In short, they’ve raised the bar up to meet and/or exceed the expectations set by the arguably best chain pan pizza around. As for Papa John’s joke of a pan pizza? It can’t hold a candle.

The Verdict
4/5. At the price it is, it’s a steal. However, that’s probably just an introductory promo price, which will go up later. With that in mind, I’m classifying this a four. I can’t in good faith say that I’d pay more than Pizza Hut’s offerings for a similar pizza. Pizza Hut better take notice of this one, though.

The Broke Bloke Gourmet: Let's Go Tupperware Diving!

2012-10-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

suggested by Deena716. Props be to her.

Sometimes, one of the most frightening things you can do is open your refrigerator.

Opening some of those plastic containers without proper protection, including (but not limited to) plastic gloves, respirators, goggles, and a full biochemical warfare suit, can result in anything from nauseating smells and loss of appetite to a full-blown mutant broccoli monster attack.

So, natch, I’m gonna go through a few ways to use some of those tidbits up, jazz ‘em up, and provide some helpful tips on chowing down on your leftovers before they turn into a 1950’s B-movie cast member.

Hambooger Helper

So, this one’s actually pretty easy. According to the website, there are 27 varieties of Hamburger Helper currently in circulation. It’s easy to get rid of these morsels, since they all taste like the same thing – salty goopy ~~crap~~ grown-up Chef Boyardee. Which means you can do pretty much anything with it to resuscitate it or stretch it out again. Here are some of my quick fixes.

· spread butter/margarine on a hoagie roll, add garlic powder, and grill in a skillet until golden brown. Smother the whole thing with Hambooger Helper that’s been zapped in microwave and eat it open-faced, or go greedy and eat it like a fancified sloppy joe.

· Add the leftovers (nuked to heat through, of course) to a pot of Kraft Side Dish (I refuse to call it “dinner” on principle). Seriously. This works with any flavor of Double H and also makes your Side Dish last for a little more than two servings. ‘Cuz we all know they’re smoking Skittles when they make those serving sizes.

· stir it in to your leftover mashed potatoes and ~~pretend it’s a Wawa bowl~~ top it off with shredded cheese before zapping it in the nuker.

Leftover Cooked Chicken

How ~~directly the hell~~ did you manage to wind up with leftovers of this? I could go on a completely separate diatribe on this topic. Matter of fact, I think I will in the next installment of The Snarky Eyebrow. Look for the fancy link here when it’s posted.

Kraft Side Dish

Even though I mentioned it above, this deserves its own special segment. This has got to be the easiest leftover to work with since plain white rice. You can literally put almost anything into Kraft Side Dish. ~~Except toes. Don’t ask, just trust me~~. Frozen peas & carrots? A can of tuna? Congratulations, you just made ghetto Tuna Casserole. Leftover lunch meat? No problem.

Seriously, you can even skip the heating-up step and crumble it over a green salad in place of cheese. Before you look at me like I’m crazy, try it. Soon you’ll be telling your friends to stop looking at you like you’re crazy.

(That’s best with Italian dressing, by the way.)

Personal favorite add-ins:

can of tuna (with or without peas & carrots)
quartered pepperoni slices
MOAR CHEEZ
Lay’s original potato chips (trust me)

Or if you’re willing to do a little more work, you can mix it well with leftover hash browns, smoosh it by hand to form patties, and fry ‘em up on a griddle to make your own cheesy tots.

Have a suggestion for a topic? Something unidentifiable in the back of your fridge? Submit it in the comments below, and I promise I won’t ignore it. ~~But only because I have no life to speak of.~~

Vol. 33: 7-Eleven's Smoked Turkey & Jack Cheese Sandwich

2012-10-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

Let’s be honest. At some point, we’re all wishing we had a quick bite to eat while we’re dashing back and forth between the various places, appointments, ~~tricks,~~ work, home, whatever in our daily lives where we wish we could snag a bite to eat. And not always is there a restaurant or fast food joint open. Thus, we’re stuck with either a.) driving all the way home and fixing something, or b.) all-night convenience store food.

The former isn’t always feasible. The latter isn’t always edible.

A while back, I’ll freely admit, 7-Eleven’s sandwiches ~~sucked like Lisa Lampanelli in an NBA locker room~~ were terrifyingly awful. Dry, flavorless, and depending on the situation, you may or may not get to put condiments on them. Choking one down without a flavored beverage of some kind was an ordeal you’d soon rather forget.

Then they finally realized, “ohai, R sandwichz blow.” Which is a good thing. That they realized it. Not that... oh, sod it, you get the idea.

Observe this, the flagship of their lineup:

Smoked Turkey & Jack Cheese on Wheat

First and foremost, I’d like to point out the last two words in that caption. “On Wheat.” Yes, I said wheat. Not white, French, Italian, four-cheese, ciabatta, focaccia, none of that delicious stuff. WHEAT. Yes, I’m voluntarily purchasing (and consuming, no less) a sandwich served on wheat bread. And no, I’m not complaining about it, either.

Why? Because this thing is frickin’ amazing. Here, they’re $3.99 a pop, and worth the whole lot. If it jumped to $4.99, possibly even $5.99, I’d still get it. Yeah, I said it. The wheat bread is soft without disintegrating or being soggy, the turkey is juicy and tender and flavorful, the Jack cheese – get this! – actually tastes like Monterey Jack, and it’s crowned off with a zippy Southwestern Mayo which adds just a hint of spice. On the Taco Bell scale, it ranks somewhere in the vicinity of “just below Mild” on the heat index, so those who don’t want a volcano in between their buns (~~that’s what she said~~) can rest easy. The lettuce adds just the right amount of crunch and textural difference to make the sandwich fly as a whole.

Oh, by the by, each half has more meat on it than a whole $5 footlong at Subway. I checked.

And they’re delivered fresh every single day, as far as I can tell. I’ve never seen a sandwich older than “delivered this morning” on the shelves. And I spend far, far too much time in 7-Eleven to be healthy. Let’s just say the employees at the one by my house know me on a first-name basis. And my daughter. And that my daughter likes Wild Cherry Slurpees. And my cigarette brand, flavor, and pack preferences. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

In short, unless you’re vegetarian or vegan (and if you are, why are you reading this blog? No, seriously. I’m curious. Please leave it in the comments below), you need to get your hands on one of these ‘wiches next time you’re at Sleven. Seriously. ~~Your colon will thank you~~.

The Verdict

5/5. I’d still buy these if the price went up. However, that’s not a suggestion, if you’re reading this, Sleven Corporate Drones.

Vol. 32: Great Value Fish Sticks

2012-10-18T12:17:00.001-07:00

So I’ve been on a fish stick craze recently. Don’t ask me why. They’re not exactly the best thing on the planet and don’t hold a candle to real fried fish. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what fish these sticks come from. Last time I checked, fish have sticks like chickens have nuggets.

I can’t find the nugget on a chicken, either.

The problem I have with fish sticks is they’re too damn munchable. Like popcorn ~~or infant ears~~. The fillets? Those you feel like you’ve actually eaten something. Sticks? Not so much.

So I was looking for an alternative for these:

….which are awesome. ~~Plus, Gorty’s kind of cute. Which is totally a reason to purchase food.~~ Then why, you might ask, was I looking for an alternative? To that, I direct you to the newest segment. My behind is broke. These fish sticks are like, five bucks for eighteen. But you can trust the Gorton’s fisherman. Who probably looks nothing like the box. (Who is, reportedly, the grandfather of one of the founders of the company when it was still John Pew & Sons Fishery, and was named Angus. True data.)

You don’t want to know how fast I can go through 18 fish sticks. Let’s just say it’s “less than one sitting.”

So, of course, when I was shopping at Wal*Mart and came across their Great Value Fish Sticks, I was leery. Some of the Great Value products are decent and some of them ~~taste like diseased monkey carcass~~ are not so good. But, for the sake of junk food science, I had to jump in, fins first.

Note the absence of product close-ups and fishermen. This is suspect.

The first thing I noticed was this box of a gazillion cost less than the box of Gorty’s eighteen. This was either going to be a good thing or a bad thing. Appearance-wise, there wasn’t too much difference, but then again, I didn’t hold them side by side. I did notice there was a lot more breading crumbles in the Great Value box. They smelled frozen.

Half the box. I’ll save you the counting. It’s 28.

So I unceremoniously dump and arrange half the box onto a cookie sheet. Yes, I know the image is displayed above, you twerp. Some people read this blog via email and don’t get the images. SO THERE.

I digress. Half the box is already way more than Gorty’s (Angus’?) had in it. There wasn’t a discernible size difference between them, either. ~~That’s what she said~~. Eighteen minutes at 425 later, I was sitting down with my plate – yes, I fit them all on one plate – full of fish sticks.

With ketchup. Or catsup. Or catchup. Ketsup. What the hell ever, you get the idea.

Truth be told, Gorty’s sticks are slightly firmer. (lolz.) A little bit crunchier, but other than that? The minor differences between the two do not make up for the absurd difference in cost. Four bucks and change for 18, or three dollars and change for ten zillion? No contest.

Every once in a while, Great Value knocks one out of the park. This might not be a home run, but it’s at least a triple play. I think that’s a baseball reference. And I think it was used properly. You get the idea.

The Verdict

4/5. The value per-dollar when compared to the major brand (which should be called Angus’ Fisherman) is mind-boggling. Quality is comparable. Obviously, if they wanted to charge the same amount per-stick, I’d grab the yellow box. But since it’s close to a five-to-one stick ratio for less money? Pfft.

Introducing the Broke Bloke Gourmet

2012-10-14T13:41:00.002-07:00

There’s no way for me to hide that I love junk food. The problem with loving relationship, however, is that it costs money. Money is something that we don’t always have, particularly right before payday (~~now~~). Of course, I’m not the only one with this particular combination of loves and lack of money, so I’m starting a new segment on The Junk Food Junkie – the Broke Bloke Gourmet.

Or, at least, that’s what it’s being called right now. I reserve the right to change it at any time with or without ~~giving a crap~~ advanced notice.

Here’s where I’ll share some of my crazy-delicious and just plain crazy concoctions I’ve made during dry spells between proper junk food binges. I’d love to say this is going to be a weekly spot, but ~~that’s laughable~~ who knows if I’ll be reliable enough to stick to that schedule.

Without further ado, I give you the first entry: Freezer Breakfast Sliders.

Ingredients

2 Eggo Cinnamon Toast waffles

4 Banquet Brown ‘n Serve sausage patties (I like original, but whatev)

1 slice cheese, quartered

Preparation

Start up your sausage patties however you feel like doing them. For a quickie, I do these in the microwave – four patties in an 1,100 watt oven take just over a minute. I put them on a paper towel, zap them on high for 45 seconds, then put one of the mini-squares of cheese on each one for the last 20 seconds.

Put waffles in the toaster. Turn it on. Don’t light things on fire.

When the waffles are popped, tear them into their little bread-shaped quarters, place one sausage patty with cheese on top, and crown it with another waffle toast thing. Drizzle with syrup, if desired.

Yield: 4 sliders

Servings: ½

Deliciousness: 4 pork snickerdoodles out of 5 possible apple pies

These tiny little nuggets of joy are wonderful, and a great way to use up the last couple of waffles or patties in a box that aren’t enough to make a full breakfast. The only problem? They are sliders. Which means you need to make like, forty to get full up. Okay, perhaps ~~you skinny types~~ “normal” people might not, but I do. They make a good snack, anyway.

Blatant Self-Promotion:

Have a suggestion to be reviewed by the Junk Food Junkie?

Got a better name than Broke Bloke Gourmet? ~~Impossible~~.

Want to share your own semi-junk concoctions?

Leave them in a comment, below, or as a comment on The Junk Food Junkie on Facebook or Google Plus!

Vol. 31: Stouffer’s Southwest-Style Chicken Panini

2012-09-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

So, frozen food hasn’t been doing so hot on the JFJ lately. It might just start giving people the impression that I’m just ~~a picky bastard~~ too much of an aficionado to be an impartial judge. Or maybe that I’ve just eaten too dang much of it to properly assess the contents of a freezer box “meal.”

Unto them, I say ~~go lick a squirrel tail~~ nay, and henceforth I shall prove it.

Also, ads. Hell, I gots to get paid somehow, right?

Today’s adventure was from Stouffer’s, which I’ve always thought of as “rich people TV dinners.” Of course, compared to Banquet and Michelina’s, everything but ramen seems expensive. But I splurged, because I was an idiot and went grocery shopping while starving, and that is just never a good idea. ‘Course, these days, that seems to be the case more often than not. (Being hungry, not being an idiot, you jerks.)

Without further ado:

The Official Photo

The prepared version - with Taco Bell size reference (TBSR)

Now, with something called “Southwest-style,” I admit I was kind of thinking something zippy, Tex-Mex, maybe black bean and corn salsa with peppers and zippy holly-penyos in it. It was still Southwestern-“ish,” but I wouldn’t necessarily use that word to describe it. It was, however, very good.

No shortage of meat, the bread came out buttery and crisp on the outside and soft inside, quite a significant amount of filling, a healthy dose of cheese, and what tasted like a zesty Ranch sauce on it. Not spicy, or even mild, by any means, but just something to add a tiny bit of zing to the sandwich. Best of all, it wasn’t dry at all.

As far as frozen sandwiches go, that was easily one of the better ones I’ve had. Probably in the top 5 list. Now keep in mind, this IS frozen, so it won’t compare to your fresh-made ones from bakeries/deli places, but for microwave convenience, it was certainly pretty tasty.

Don’t let the looks deceive you – it may seem tiny, but that thing is loaded. Normal humans (read: those who do not eat like I do ~~[read: the rest of the world]~~) would likely feel right at that “I’m full, but not stuffed” point. Which is great for ~~staying awake at work~~ keeping alert after consuming. All in all, this sandwich should make its way onto your grocery list – or at least your “things to try” list.

The Verdict

4/5. Danged good in the perspective of a frozen sandwich, but I can’t see myself paying a dollar or two more if the price went up.

Local Spotlight: The Route 58 Delicatessen

2012-09-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

So this place shows up and starts offering a "brown bag lunch" special at my place of business. New York style deli, I says? I've seen New York style delis on TV. Like that Fööde Netwörken or some such. Stuff looks good. Huge, but good.

I like huge. Huge is good. (~~That's what she said~~.)

So I check out the menu. It's here at this fancy link if you'd like to check it out for yourself. And that starts me drooling like a ~~homeless Ethiopian at a buffet~~ profusely. So, of course, I order.

Now, before you all protest about the prices (which are, admittedly, high), let me point out that I haven't been posting recently because I've been so ~~bloody poor~~ broke that I've been eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and ramen almost exclusively for the past two weeks. If you really want me to put posts up about that, well, shoot, I'm a sell-out (that's why there's ads, now, to help me afford this stuff) and I'll do it. But they'll be very boring posts. So I splurged. Sue me.

Actually, don't. It'll be pretty much a waste of time and lawyer fees.

ANY-hoo.

Let's fast-forward to the good stuff. Here's the ~~almost~~ before-and-after:

Route 58 Deli Corned Beef lunch box - Half gone :-)

The Aftermath

All over their menu and delivery van was plastered the slogan, "If you finish, we made a mistake!" Well, clearly, they hadn't met me yet. If a 2 1/2-lb. burrito with chips and salsa, a taco, and half a quesadilla didn't tackle me, this sandwich wasn't going to.

And, as shown by the aftermath photo (timestamped thirteen minutes and eleven seconds after the halfway point - plus an interruption to talk smack), they did make a mistake. They didn't give me enough Russian Dressing. (Note to your staff there, Mr. Owner Guy.)

(Russian dressing, by the way, is not Russian. It was invented in New Hampshire by James E. Colburn.)

The corned beef was very lean, a little on the dry side, which was fixed extremely well by application of deli mustard and said misnamed condiment. It came on rye bread, which was a little hard around the crust, but had a good flavor in the middle. As for the meat? Well, it was certainly loaded. Hard to complain with two inches (~~that's NOT what she said~~) of solid corned animal. Dead animals on bread is good.

The sandwich itself ran $6.99, which I'm down for. The "lunch box" was $11.99... the difference was it came with a black & white cookie, halved pickle, and small tub of potato salad. While the potato salad was decent, let's be real - it's still potato salad. I find it hard to justify a $5 price hike for a pickle, tater salad, and a cookie. Apparently, the pricing is a little different for what they serve in-restaurant, so I'll have to take that into consideration when I roll up there one day. To put it in perspective, here's a shot from a coworker's visit where he ordered the Hot Pastrami Burger (yes, there is a burger underneath all that):

The Pastrami Burger

What does this mean? In short, for the take-away lunch boxes, get just the sandwich. It's enough for two normal meals ~~or my gluttonous behind~~. But the price jump for the box.. not so much. In the restaurant, it appears that your money is WELL worth it to order, well, whatever you damn well please.

The Verdict

Due to the nature of my decision, I'm going to have to split this into a few parts.

Sandwich Only (Lunch Box Take-Away): 4/5. Good stuff for your buck, and not skimping on the carved cow carcass. Don't push the price too much higher, though.

Sandwich & Sides (Lunch Box Take-Away): 2/5. The inclusion of some "side dishes" to jack the price up really knocked the overall value down. I can't say I'll get the box again (although I'll certainly eat it if someone else is buying!) but will definitely get the sandwich on its own.

Anything In Restaurant: 5/5. That Pastrami Burger runs $14.99. You couldn't get that much lean pastrami at your grocery store for that much. Plus there's a burger and slaw and cheese and dressing and ZOMG brain hemorrhageeeeeeeee/////////////////////////////////

Vol. 30: Boston Market’s Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole

2012-09-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

I consider Boston Market to be part of the “premium” line of frozen dinner makers – up there with Stouffer’s and Marie Callendar’s, where almost anything is a safe bet to ~~at least not suck~~ be pretty decent.

So when I saw this conveniently located in my grocer’s freezer, enticing me with its faux homestyledness, it didn’t take much debate before I tossed it into my shopping cart. It pretty much sounded like this:

Freezer Case: [stoic]

Me: Oooooh! *grab*

Freezer Case: [stoic]

As you can see, the freezer had a very convincing argument. Here is the evidence presented by the freezer case, and the cooked version:

The box is deceptive

Oddly… it looks pretty close to the box.

As this was cooking in the ‘wave, I noticed something that made my hair stand on end. On the back of the box, next to the innocent cooking instructions, were two little pieces of info that weren’t so innocent. The first was the fact that the “serving size” was 14oz – but contained only 500 calories. What sort of ~~deceitful bull$hit~~ trickery is this?? Lure me in with the false pretense of a stick-to-my ribs plastic platter of comfort food and then pull some diet crap on me? No self-respecting dish with the words “cheese” and “casserole” in the title has a measly 500 calories per near-pound. 500 calories per tablespoon is more like it. This can only mean one of two things: they skimped on the cheese, or worse – they replaced it with “cheeze sawse.” ~~Which is better suited to stripping paint from cars than consumption.~~

Also, this beast has an ungodly 1,200mg of sodium.. which I totally don’t care about. But after bite one, I have to question Boston Market on the following point: HOW ~~DIRECTLY THE F*@#~~ IS IT THIS THING HAS 1,200 MG OF SODIUM AND STILL NEEDS SALT?!?!?! Seriously?? This is worse than the Arby’s Steakhouse Salt Lick (see Vol.18 –ed.) in the sense that particular failure actually tasted salty ~~as hell~~. This thing has an abhorrent amount of salt and still needs more. Ugh.

So I guess you can tell which direction this review is going. But I’m going to surprise you with a curveball.. it’s not going down as far as you think. Other than the fact this thing needs salt, it’s remarkably… tasteless. The “cheeze sawse” tastes like.. warm. As for the rice? Well, I have to give props where props are due, and Boston Market’s frozen food chef-things actually did a pretty darned good job of making the rice come out close to decently cooked ~~and not tasting like crunchy termites the way most places do~~. But that in and of itself is not enough to offset the utter lack of…. any other redeeming quality from the dish.

It’s not a good sign when the only item in the “Pro” column from the reviewer (me) is “the rice doesn’t suck.” On the other hand, the meal as a whole rang in with a final score of “it’s not inedible.”

I can’t say I want to eat it again. On the same token, I’ll definitely eat this to avoid being really hungry (well before “starving”). Given a choice between the Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole or Taco Bell’s Pacific Shrimp Tacos…….? (fancy link –ed.) Hunh. That’s like a high-noon showdown of mediocrity, a fistful of apathy of such magnitude no one would even bother to show up to laugh at it. I’d probably go for the casserole, but solely to avoid risk of being TBONED ~~(Taco Bell Overdose Nitro-Explosive Diarrhea)~~.

The Verdict

2/5. It doesn’t suck…? *shrug*

Vol. 29: Taste Unlimited Inlet Bistro Sandwich

2012-08-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, so it’s been over a month since I posted something, I’m slacking, yadda yadda yadda. Grub costs money, so when I don’t have any, I don’t get special eats. Unless you’re about to send me a check for a dollar, then ~~STFU~~ pipe down in the peanut gallery so I can tell my story.

A long, long time ago (at 5:07 pm today), in a galaxy far, far away (commonly referred to as the depths of my stomach), a deep rumbling could be heard in the Force..

..okay, okay, that was just gas. ANYhoo.

Bottom line, I was hungry, a coworker (shout-out to Thomater for being my enabler) was going to get food from Taste Unlimited, I jumped in. Wasn’t in the mood for my usual (the Northender, which is phenomenal), so after browsing the menu for a minute or two, I’m reminded she’s actually been on the phone placing the order the whole time, and just jump on the first thing I see that sounds good. Which was this Inlet Bistro Sandwich, seen here:

To quickly summarize, this is like a mouth-sized ~~caprese-gasm~~ Fort Knox of fresh mozzarella cheese, with nice slices of tomato and their trademark basil mayonnaise, accented with some.. red wine vinegar sauce-thing. Don’t tell my boss, but I was taking pornographic pictures of me with this sandwich at my desk. The one where it looks like I’m tongueing the cheese? Yeah, I was just licking runaway sauce.. Honest.

Speaking of sauce, this is definitely one saucy sandwich. Plan on taking a small sink bath afterwards. Don’t wear any expensive clothing while eating it. If you do, wear a bib. If you do wear a bib, then you are a bib, and probably eat at places where lunches cost $45 a head. So go read some 4-Michelin star restaurant review and leave me and my ~~sexy~~ sandwich alone. You wouldn’t want to see what I’m about to do, anyway.

~~Or maybe you would. Perv~~.

Bottom line? The cheese is perfect and fresh – not dry or mealy at all. Tomatoes are juicy and ripe, and the basil mayo is just what you’d come to expect from Taste. That kick with the vinaigrette is what really acts as the anchor for all the other flavors and makes them dance ~~like they’re dressed for pole work~~. And, just like the super-high bar that’s already been set by the Northender years ago, the ciabatta bread (though the menu lies and says “flatbread”) is just the right amount of chewy, not so hard as to smoosh the sandwich contents out the sides and not so soft to collapse under the weight of all that ~~taste bud bed buddy~~ awesomeness. And while it’s filling, it’s doesn’t sit in your stomach like a brick.

Oh, by the way… I bet half of you will finish it before you realize there’s no meat in it. And then you won’t care.

The Verdict

5/5. I could see myself paying a dollar or two more than they’re charging for it. Yeap. Sure could. There’d be a mighty fine tip in it for someone who could make one appear in front of me right now. Sure would……..

Vol. 28: Pizza Hut's Garlic Bread Pizza

2012-06-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

It wasn’t until I happened to log on to the Pizza Hut website, where I was graced with this glorious concept, that I realized I hadn’t done a single pizza since the creation of the Junk Food Junkie.

I suppose that’s mostly because the best pizzas are always local places, which don’t meat the “national or at least regionally available” criteria to be included on this blog. But this idea was just too good to pass up. Of course I ordered one immediately. Duh? Are you surprised?

The official picture.

My actual pizza. Shout-out to my trusty Taco Bell Sauce Packet

for size reference.

Garlic is the #1 Unmeat in my book. I have been known to eat cloves of garlic whole, in raw, pickled, or roasted form. And while I don’t have anything against pepperoni, with the exception of a Meat Lover’s from Pizza Hut ~~zomg I must order a garlic bread meat lover’s tomorrow~~ I tend to roll in the “sausage and mushroom” camp.

I would be lying if I claimed this was not exactly what I imagined it to be. Crispy-yet-tender buttery slices of garlic bread smothered in cheese and sauce and meat and yum. If you’re not drooling at this point, then you may need to check yourself into an insane asylum. The smell alone is enough to ~~replace Viagra for ED sufferers~~ get people crawling out of the woodwork to make nice with you for a chance at the offer of a piece.

Really, I don’t know what more can be said. You know you love garlic bread. You know you love pizza. You know you want to do To Catch A Predator-type things to their hybrid love child. Just try not to make noises which might be interpreted as “sexual” if you’re eating it at the office.

Your coworkers will look at you funny.

The Verdict

4/5. Roughly about the size of a medium pan pizza in terms of volume, for the current price of $8.99 it’s perfect. I’d probably have to hunker down for a coupon if it went up much more than that, though. But it’s a much cheaper investment than an Inflate-A-Date, and more gratifying, too. The moans will prove it.

Sur La Table Cordierite Pizza Stone, 23 1/2" x 13 1/2" (Google Affiliate Ad)

Vol. 27: Banquet Rigatoni & Italian Sausage

2012-06-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

So until I start getting some sick Google money for doing this blog, or some form of corporate sponsorship, or whatever, all the funding for things reviewed herein come out of my own pocket.

~~Unless I can scam someone into paying for me.~~

This means that, sadly, I do not get to consume the gloriously epic things like the Ruby Tuesday Bacon Avocado Turkey Burger every day. (see archive, -Ed.) And, let’s face it, low-end frozen food isn’t exactly stellar magic most of the time. In fact, it’s pretty much ~~crap~~ about what you’d expect.

Crap.

Yet, for some strange reason, I still get excited whenever I see a new “flavor” available in the ~~dirt cheap~~ economy frozen lines that grace many a ~~broke~~ budget-conscious employee’s freezer. This happened recently, when I found this little gem hiding on a shelf at Wal*Mart:

Sadly, I didn’t even notice the bright yellow “New!” label until after I’d cooked it. D’oh!

Immediately conjuring up visions of ~~sugarplums~~ good old-fashioned sliced Italian sausage and peppers over buttered bow-tie noodles, I started drooling and snatched it up straightaway. Of course I tried it immediately.

The first thing you will say might remind you of an old Wendy’s advert. In other words, “Where’s the beef?” (Or in this case, sausage. Whatever. The sausage might have ground cow in it. I don’t care enough to go look.) After getting over the initial investigative shock to confirm that yes, in fact, there is meat in this flimsy plastic tray, and not just rigatoni and sauce, the second thing you’ll notice is that it smells exactly like every other Banquet that has their “marinara” sauce on it. This list includes, but is not limited to, the following:

· Spaghetti

· Chicken Pasta Marinara

· Lasagna with Meat Sauce

· Macaroni & Beef

· Spaghetti & Meatballs

· Banquet Select Chicken Parmigian

· Spaghetti with Popcorn Chicken

· and MANY MORE!

Truth be told, the sauce is so bloody overpowering, it’s amazing that anyone can taste anything served with it. Normally, this isn’t an issue, since it’s used sparingly in most dishes, but the rigatoni (with Italian sausage [?]) didn’t receive such consideration. It was positively swimming in the sauce. About the only way I was aware that I was actually consuming the Italian sausage [?] was the squeaky change in texture. Could have told me it was just plain rigatoni and sauce and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

Is it bad? No. It’s certainly not a change of pace, either. If you’re looking for something new, I’d recommend going with the Cheesy Rice & Beans with Chicken. That’s like a Southwestern risotto and is actually pretty freakin’ good for a buck.

The Verdict

3/5. I could see myself grabbing another one of these if the selection at Wal*Mart (or wherever) doesn’t have my normal grab-n-go stuff. Odds are pretty even I’ll pick something else, though.. but I can’t give it a two of five since I could foresee myself (somewhat) willingly purchasing it again in the future.

Vol. 26: Wendy's Chili Cheese Fries

2012-06-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

As recently as a few years ago, Wendy’s French fries ~~tasted like licking cardboard monkey hair~~ needed a good bit of improvement. Thankfully, their corporate headquarters listened to consumer reviews such as this one*, and have launched several campaigns to improve the quality of their food, making them quite the the powerhouse in the mid-range burger competition.

They’ve also kept their promise to have ~~forty zillion~~ a wide variety of side dishes, ranging from chili to baked potatoes to blah blah blah, you know the story.

It was just terrible that none of these possible side dishes was truly ~~fatal enough~~ capable of standing up to the glory that is some of their creations, such as the Triple Baconator (see vol. 1, -Ed.) or the Octuple Stack**. I mean, honestly – if I’m stuffing my face with a pound of cow and pig, do I really look like I want a baked potato with broccoli on the side or a light garden salad?

Then they came out with the Chili Cheese Fries. Of course, I had to have them, even though I was ~~more broke than Greece~~ budgetarily challenged at the time. Observe:

I couldn’t wait til after the picture to take a bite. Sue me.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hmm, does Wendy’s chili really hold itself up as a French fry topping?” The answer is yes, it does, now stop asking yourself rhetorical questions. Observant readers might notice that there is actually a combination of cheese sauce and shredded cheese on top of the chili, which serves as a key point.

The cheese sauce acts as a thickener. And mixed with the shredded cheese? If you’re hungry enough, you might never notice that it was a sauce to begin with. Oh, and did I mention they’re actually pretty danged tasty? The fries stay surprisingly crisp for quite a while, a fork is a necessity, and the cheesy-chili-ey goopy mess left in the container is great to dip your burger into.

Because it wasn’t bad enough, already. Oh, and because the obvious needs to be said sometimes – DO NOT EAT THESE WHILE DRIVING. You have been warned. I claim no liability.

You might need to come prepared for these guys, though. Currently, it’s only $1.00 to upgrade your standard combo meal fries to Chili Cheese Fries, and I highly recommend doing so. Keep in mind, though, that the serving size is 231g for these bad boys – they may not look like it, but that’s over half a pound of chili and cheese and fry. Definitely a significant markup from the little cup of fries you were going to get. For only a dollar more? ~~WTF are you waiting for?~~ Go get you some deliciousness!

P.S. I highly recommend consumption with either the Double or Triple Baconator. That way, you can get almost all of your 2,000 calorie daily input in a single sit-down. Toss in a soda, and you can do so, easily! That’ll free up the rest of your day for doing important things. ~~Like sleeping.~~

The Verdict

4/5. As an upgrade to a combo, the added dollar is well spent. On their own, I don’t know how much they are because ~~I’m a slack@ss~~ the price wasn’t added to the regular menu at the Wendy’s I went to, so I can’t readily award it a 5. For a dollar extra on your combo, though? Stop reading and go get some, already!

* My involvement in Wendy’s taste improvement campaign can be neither proven nor disproven.

** Some self-assembly required on this burger.

Local Spotlight: Alannah’s Taqueria Super Burrito

2012-06-14T22:58:00.001-07:00

So, technically, this isn’t an “official” Junk Food Junkie post, since it’s a locally owned restaurant that doesn’t meet the criteria for “regionally or nationally available.” The beauty of 'teh interwebs' is that on this blog, I make the rules. That also includes breaking the rules. And this place is awesomesauce. ~~So go freakin’ bite me.~~

I’ve had their pulled pork burritos and tacos several times now, and each time I’m left with the feeling of ~~happy belly nap time~~ that they’re going to severely put a dent in the more “chain” burrito bar’s profits that are nearby (Moe’s, Salsarita’s, Qdoba, Chipotle).

First off, just look at the size of this thing!

You only wish your burrito was this big.

Yes, that is a penny on the foil for size comparison. This has thrown down on the likes of the major burrito bars – of which I am quite fond of (see archive, -Ed.) and told them to go sit down in time out ~~while it steals their women away in the night~~. I kid you not, this thing has left the realm of “burrito sized” and has entered the realm of “forearm sized.” Literally. It probably weighs more than your forearm, too. But stuffed in your belly, it’s so much more satisfying than a forearm. No bones, either.

Of course, size isn’t everything, but it sure is helpful to be on the bigger end. ~~Snicker.~~ More important than sheer girth and length is the flavor, and there is nothing about this burrito that comes anywhere close to failing. Being completely honest? I ate plain tortilla. Plain freakin’ tortilla. And it was good. I don’t know what kind of mystical Mexican magic they worked, here, but it’s amazing. Oh, yeah, and it gets better – because there’s good ~~$hit~~ food inside the tortilla.

Hand-made real guacamole is the first thing I noticed, along with seasoned rice, delicious beans, fresh pico de gallo, perfectly seasoned pork and more, all put together with the masterful hand that knows better than to over-season any one ingredient (are you listening, Chipotle??). In my expert ~~lol~~ and highly trained hands, I could tell this was somewhere in the realm of two and a half and seven thousand pounds of burrito perfection.

And I ate the whole thing. In one sitting. For the third time. (Not in the same day.)

(Although I’d probably try, given the opportunity.)

So what if I looked nine months pregnant afterwards? Most people didn’t notice. I mean, I look eight months pregnant before lunch, anyway.

For those of you watching your weight (I watch mine too.. it climbs. –Ed.), this burrito could easily be divided into two “large” portions, or three “medium” portions, without skipping a beat. Of course, I’m sure you’re also the people who think that renaming Lunchables as “Snackables” for false advertisement is a stupid idea, and the box of Kraft Dinner that says “serves 4-6” is actually “reasonable.” Silly people. And for the price? You’d be daft to skip out without trying it.

Did I mention the unthinkably awesome fact that they deliver? Yes, a taqueria that delivers. In Chesapeake. I’ve set up a charitable fund to help ~~offset the cost of clothing my expanding waistline~~ support spreading the ~~Guacamole Gospel~~ word while I greedily gobble these before the psycho [insert hated political party here] regime puts restrictions and warning labels on them.

Oh, and their tacos and quesadillas are bangin’, too. I’m thinking of getting their nachos, tomorrow.

Go do the Facebook thing with them at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Alannahs-Taqueria/127302720734019

The Verdict

5/5. Burritos like this one at ~~cookie cutter~~ other local Mexican restaurants run you a whole lot more money, and are filled with a whole lot ~~more suck~~ less flavor.

Yes, I just censored my Verdict twice. What? Don’t judge me.

Photo credit to Deena C. since I didn’t stop to take a picture before inhalation.

Vol. 25: Friendly’s Ultimate Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt

2012-06-11T23:26:00.003-07:00

I first saw the idea of someone making a cheeseburger with two grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns on the Food Network at a place called Vortex Bar & Grill in Atlanta, GA.

Ever since then, I’ve been ~~completely obsessed~~ mesmerized by the idea.

By complete and total accident, I stumbled across the fact that a local ice cream shoppe that I’d normally never set foot in, seeing as how ice cream makes me ~~projectile vomit like Poltergeist~~ rather extremely nausesous, served up a similar burger. Of course, within 24 hours, I was throwing my car in park and marching inside with a complete determination to seal my own cholesterol-laden demise.

Oh, who am I kidding, I ain’t dead YET. The first volume of this blog was a danged Triple Baconator. And I should have written this one up ages ago ~~but I’ve been a slack mo fo~~.

The official picture

My take-away one

Of course, I couldn’t leave a cheeseburger sandwiched between two buttery, crispy, grilled cheese sandwiches alone, oh no. I had to add bacon. The waffle fries came with it. ~~Bastards forgot my Ranch dressing.~~ Seriously? It may be hard to tell thanks to the awkward angle I had to take the photo from, but it actually looks pretty damn close to the official picture in person. Which is saying something. Something good. Just add bacon to the official picture. Juicy, crispy, mouth-watering fried pig.

Because there wasn’t enough animal fat in there to begin with. Bleed on, arterial walls! For tonight, we dine on Hellman’s! ~~Or some such inspirational $hit.~~

There are going to be two groups of people on this burger. One group, the one in which I reside, will look at the above platter and hear the fact that there are 2,210 calories in there and start drooling. The other half will vicariously have a heart attack. That just means I’ll know who I can trust with my leftovers… oh, who am I kidding? There won’t be any.

Several people who heard about my quest to conquer this behemoth were worried that there was going to be too much bread. I listened to their fears, and ate it anyway. Rest assured, there is no such thing as too much crispy butter-fried bread smothered in cheese and meat and bacon. Oh, and rabbit food. Every single greasy-lipped chomp was ~~an orgasm in my mouth~~.. oh, how to describe the ~~joygasmic~~ explosion of flavors? Other than being a vegan near-nightmare, it was the first mortal step to Burgervana.

They need to rename it The Jesus Wept Burger. Because his tears were used in the casting of the Holy Griddle that this burger was cooked on.

The Verdict

5/5. The burger and fries comes in at $8.79 at my location at the time of this posting. Add bacon for a dollar. Order online and you might score 25% off. I’d drop ten or eleven bucks on this animal-laden, buttery bacony nectar of Adephagia*.

(*Google it.)

Vol. 24: Great Value Hot Dog Chili Sauce

2012-06-09T22:26:00.004-07:00

If any of my readers are surprised by the fact that I actually like hot dogs, then they ~~rode the short bus to school~~ haven’t been paying very close attention to my near-blatant disregard for what I’m actually shoveling in my mouth.

So when I was at the store and saw this can of what bore a striking resemblance to 7-Eleven’s faux-but-fantastic fake chili, it caught my eye:

The fact it’s called a “chili sauce” should have been a giveaway.

The other thing that should have told me to leave it on the shelf was the price tag. But, at $0.68 a can, why not give it a shot? ..or at least that’s what my stomach said. Of course, I hadn’t eaten in about 18 hours, which means I should have paid it about as much attention as I paid ~~in traffic court~~ to the serving size on the box of fish sticks. (Blatant cross-blog plug, anyone?)

The first thing I noticed was that, while it sure looks like it’s got lots of crumbly ground beef in it, there’s a frightening lack of animals in the ingredients list. As a matter of fact, the only animal product in it at all is “beef fat,” of which it states it contains less than 2% of. Hunh.

After that was the smell. It sure didn’t smell like chili. Actually, I’m not sure what I would say it smelled like. If I had to pick? I’d say it smelled like ~~swamp crotch with a hint of cumin~~ one of those fermented bean dishes from the Japanese restaurant. But, for the sake of junk food science, I had to continue.

In the interest of ~~saving my @ss from spam comments~~ full disclosure, I wasn’t exactly using high-quality materials for this experiment. Oscar Meyer Classic Franks (yeah, the ones made with pork, chicken, and turkey that taste alarmingly like bologna if you eat ‘em cold) and Mary Jane hot dog buns. So this wasn’t exactly a Nathan’s contest. Even still, I expect my fake chili sauce to taste something like chili. I mean, hell, Fritos can do it, why can’t Wal*Mart?

Truth be told, it didn’t suck. Much. The texture was pretty much what you’d expect, except without any form of toothiness at all. At least 7-Eleven’s fake chili has some textured soy protein granules that sort of replicate ground beef. As for the flavor? Pretty much what it smelled like. If they had called it something more like “hot dog topping,” it might not have been so bad. But they had to throw “chili” in there and create pre-conceived notions and expectations of what I’m going to shove in my gullet. I’d have gotten more chili flavor by topping my hot dog with Chili Cheese Fritos.

Actually, that sounds like a pretty freakin’ good idea.

If you’re into fermented ~~crotch~~ bean “toppings” on your hot dogs, it might be worth looking into. However, if you’re like the rest of us, stick with something else. Or maybe just mustard.

The Verdict

2/5. I’d probably eat it again if I were put in a position to (i.e. friend’s barbecue and unwittingly served myself) or if I were hungry enough. I’m not buying it again, though. Matter of fact, I have an extra can.. anyone want to form a second opinion on my results..?

Vol. 23: Michelina’s Meatloaf (with Gravy & Mashed Potatoes)

2012-06-09T01:03:00.003-07:00

I realize that this is the third (!!) [Ed. See Vol. 9, “Pasta Twists in Bolognese Sauce” and Vol. 15, “Chicken Pad Thai”] installment of Michelina’s product in the Junk Food Junkie. So far, the first two weren’t what most would call “positive.” In fact, one might even think that, in spite of my continuous assertions that the majority of Michelina’s products are quite decent for less than a dollar apiece (and the fact I continue to buy them), the reviews would turn someone away from trying, or buying again, a Michelina’s product.

Don’t let that be the case. Just don’t buy any of the flavors I review. Then you’ll be fine.

Todays experiment in taste receptor confusion:

I would like to point out the word “Traditional” in the upper right.

It’s one of the words circled in red.

Now, as does any Michelina’s product (and the majority of frozen goods), the picture lends a false sense of security by displaying the food on a plate, with garnishes, and all sorts of pretty lighting. The scene was as expected when I opened the box after cooking it – and by that, I mean it looks nothing like the picture. ~~Big effing surprise there.~~ However, there was one unusual element that caught me off guard more than usual..

I’ve eaten Michelina’s for years. I remember, for the longest time, the only difference between Salisbury Steak and Meatloaf was whether or not you got miniature chunks of “mushroom” and “onion” in your gravy. Other than that, they were all-but identical. This? This smell that is ~~making me crave a Bloody Mary~~ tickling my nose-hairs is not that of a homestyle stick-to-your-ribs brown gravy. At closer glance, and looking back at the box several times, it’s some sort of tomato-based gravy. Yes, you read that correctly, dear reader, and probably ~~said WTF~~ are just as confused by the concept as I was peering down into that smothered patty of chopped cow. Appalled and curious, I took a little taste of it, only to have my highly-trained scientific tongue confirm what my nose was already telling me: “Brain, this, in fact, is not brown gravy. It is, to my most educated guess, the test-tube love child of V8, Clamato, Campbell’s Tomato Soup, and a bowl of Manhattan clam chowder that hasn’t been clammed yet.”

So I think to myself, well, perhaps this could work. Though I’m a little offended at this “tomato gravy” being called “Traditional” – to me, meatloaf + tradition = KETCHUP – but perhaps it could serve the same fancified means. Like if Wolfgang Puck made meatloaf and sold the recipe to the low-end frozen food manufacterers. At least, that’s what I was telling myself in preparation. The actual result was slightly more believable and infinitely more confusing. Truth be told, I’m still not sure if I like it. The best thing I can come up with to describe it is ~~abnormal~~ something akin to ~~the hell?~~ “fusion food that doesn’t quite ~~taste right~~ fuse completely.” Sort of like Irish-Mexican cuisine. I’m honestly not sure if it was good, but it did manage to escape a scathing review. So, um, that’s a good one for Michelina’s track record? I think?

Furthermore, I would like to point something out about the box. It clearly says the main “flavor” of the contents of the box is “Meatloaf.” Yet, underneath that, it says, “mashed potatoes & gravy, with meatloaf.” As though the main entrée itself were simply an afterthought. “Oh, silly me, let’s add some meatloaf to our meatloaf meal! Tee-hee!” Perhaps that’s just me being an ~~over-observant anal b@stard~~ excessively inquisitive consumer, but that does strike me as odd. I understand that the package descriptors must outline what’s in the package, but saying “Meatloaf with meatloaf” seems to me as ~~reduntant and retarded~~ repetitive and lame as saying “Warning! These peanuts contain peanuts!”

I digress.

The Verdict

2.5/5. Normally, I never give “halfsies” on a verdict, since it’s a simple YES or NO in this case to “would you buy it again?” that makes the grade. Truth be told… even as I’m writing this.. I honestly don’t know. I think I’d have to give it a 3 at this point in time just to try it out again for scientific purposes.

Vol. 22: Hardee’s Mushroom Swiss Turkey Burger

2012-06-09T01:02:00.003-07:00

I’ve opened my arms wide to turkey burgers in recent years, especially after experiencing the epically-delicious Ruby Tuesday’s Turkey Bacon Avocado Burger (see JFJ volume 3). So I have to admit that I was pretty excited when Hardee’s launched a line of turkey burgers.

I succumbed to the media frenzy, drooling over pictures of the burgers (seen below in the official pictures) and was fully expecting a decent-sized burger. After all, Hardee’s usually doesn’t lie about their burger sizes (compare photos of the Monster Thickburger to the Double Cheeseburger and come back with any questions). Though, while I was standing in line, eagerly awaiting to order, clutching my Droid to my chest with the Happy Star Rewards app waiting to display my coupon, I should have heeded the ~~giant flashing red flag of suck~~ subtle warning on the menu saying that each of the burgers was “Under 500 Calories!”

The Official Lineup

WTF is that?

After getting my ~~alarmingly~~ tiny bag, I peered inside to make sure everything was inside: Little Thickburger for my evening snack, check; fries, check; another Little Thickburger? Irritated, I ~~tore the bag open and showered everyone in orphan tears and fries~~ took everything out and performed a more detailed inventory. In front of me were two Little Thickburger-wrapped items. I stopped myself before jumping the gun and raking the workers over the coals, instead opening each one – yes, one was a Little Thickburger – and the other was… my turkey burger?

“WTF? That’s it? Seriously?” were literally the first words out of my mouth. Above you can see the “real” picture, where I’ve placed a Taco Bell sauce packet alongside for perspective (since they didn’t give me any ketchup, big ups to Taco Bell for extra-saucing me earlier). Size notwithstanding, I dug in. And promptly said WTF for a second time.

First off, nobody warned me that they were going to switch the buns with some dry imitation of a “delicious” wheat bun. It was dry and tasted like fluffy cardboard, and the patty didn’t do much to help. While not going the dry route so many turkey burgers fail on, it managed to stay juicy. Like juicy nothingness of fail. Jenni-O has frozen turkey burger patties which are better. I know. I’ve had them. For those who aren’t used to turkey burgers, these patties suffer heavily from the “looks like I’m eating cooked brain matter” problem – the yummy-looking crust on the official picture above does NOT carryover into the real thing. Don’t let this scare you off turkey burgers in general, they can be quite delicious, just not this one.

I will freely admit that I have only tried one of the three burgers, but I will also say that this one scarred me enough that I’m ~~going to need tongue therapy~~ not going to try any of the other two unless I have to. It is fully possible that the mushroom-swiss combo collided with the honey wheat ~~flooring material~~ bun, and the other two may be fully tasty. I’ll be open to alternate opinions on the other two of the lineup as things go on – I suppose I MAY be convinced to try one if I get enough rave reviews.

I’m still sorely disappointed in Hardee’s, first off for the photographic burger deceit (really, guys? Why?), and secondly for actually thinking this would pass as a decent alternative to their Thickburgers. I’m just glad I got one to tide me over after this ~~vile and nauseatingly~~ creepy aftertaste gets washed out of my mouth by gallons of water.

The Verdict

1/5. I suppose if I were starving, I’d choke one down. Let’s put it this way: I had to force myself to swallow the final bite, and it certainly wasn’t because the burger was too big.

Vol. 21: Taco Bell's Pacific Shrimp Taco and/or Burrito

2012-06-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

These came out once before, a few years back, as a "limited time" promotion. I didn't try them then. But, bolstered by Taco Bell's rather impressive performance (for Taco Bell) with their Cantina tacos in the not-too-distant past, I decided to try the Shrimp Taco.

As you can see, the official picture looks nothing like the final product. Containing six "seasoned, marinated shrimp," - which are apparently all on one side of the taco in the official picture - the thing is barely filled. As you can see, the shrimp are laughably small. In addition to the shrimp, on the taco you have lettuce, pico de gallo, and a "creamy avocado Ranch sauce." Quite frankly, all I tasted was lettuce and pico de gallo. It took about three bites in before I thought to myself, "Oh, look, Self! There's a hint of what might actually be shrimp here!" As to what seasonings they were, who knows? Plus, they were overcooked to death. I think canned baby shrimp have a better tooth feel, and they feel something akin to ~~wet maggots~~ soggy cereal.

Then they have the nerve to be "diverse" by offering it in a burrito. Which contains - guess what? Six shrimp, lettuce, avocado ranch sauce, pico de gallo, and is wrapped in a - watch yourself, now - TORTILLA! Gasp, I say! So the only difference is the sodding price and that it's wrapped differently? How is that clever marketing? Is nobody else noticing this? I would like at this point for you, the reader, to do a collective eye roll with me. Ready? 3, 2, 1...

...

...Thank you for your participation.

When all is said and done, Taco Bell should stay away from seafood. There's just something creepy about the entire concept. They need to stick with what they do best, which is come up with creative new ways to mix together cheese, fake cheese sauce, something crunchy, and questionable (albeit mysteriously tasty) beef filling.

The Verdict

2/5. I suppose I'd eat it if someone else paid for it. And I was hungry. But that's it.

Vol. 20: Boston Market's Loaded Mashed Potatoes

2012-06-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

It may not seem like it from the items I've chosen to review thus far, but I love my chicken. Fried chicken, grilled chicken, rotisserie chicken, you name it. And almost never do the side dishes actually live past the poultry assault, unless, of course, there's simply a pantload of chicken to begin with.

Then I met these little beauties. Well, actually, the Boston Market website told me about them in one of those newfangled "e-mail" thingies. Bragging about their new side dishes. Now Boston Market's mashed potatoes and gravy are delicious in and of themselves, so when I heard that they mixed in cheddar cheese, bacon, sour cream, butter, and chives, I of course had to ~~immediately inhale them with gluttonous~~ abandon try them out for the sake of science.

Now you'll have to excuse my lack of "authentic" picture here, because I ~~did naughty things to them and didn't want to leave photographic evidence~~ ate them so quickly, I didn't get a chance to snap a picture. So we'll have to deal with the corporate picture. Or, better yet, you could go get your own. And bring me some, too.

They're significantly thicker than the typical mashed potatoes they serve, which is to be expected because of all the dang goodies they managed to stuff inside what is typically a supporting actor role. I took one bite of these delicious diet-wreckers, and I can honestly say I forgot there was rotisserie chicken on the plate between me and them. They are phenomenal! Imagine, if you will, the best parts of a loaded baked potato, or potato skin, or, heck with it, it's bacon and cheese and sour cream, what other inspiration do you need? Held together with real mashed potatoes, not some reconstituted crap from powdered flakes with ingredients that only those with an IQ above 170 can pronounce.

Now, it *is* Boston Market, so the sides are high end when compared to other fast food joints. (i.e. KFC mashed potatoes, $1.69. Desire to eat KFC mashed potatoes, 2/5.) On the same token, though, keep in mind that you're actually eating real food, it tastes fantastic, and oh, that other thing? Yeah, you'll actually want to eat these, rather than ~~choke them down while crying tears of starving dolphins~~ wondering if you've passed your sodium intake for the year.

Bottom line, in case you haven't gotten it, yet, is you need to try these. Unless you don't eat bacon. Then just have that part omitted. They'll still amazing.

The Verdict

5/5. The price is totally offset by the awesomeness. I'd pay six bucks for a large side, easy. Which is good, because they're not six bucks.