The Junk In My Brain

On The Hypocrisy Of Hypocrisy

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 21:58:00 +0000

Towards the end of 2015, Paris held the 21st United Nations conference on climate change, referred to as COP 21. The country chairing the meet was the United States, and its president Mr. Barack Obama gave a nice speech on the urgency of the matter and how committed he and his country is to fight climate change.

Fast forward a couple of months, and I read about the news of India's National Solar Mission (That plans to invest US$100 billion and create 100 GW of solar capacity by 2022) has been blocked by the United states government. The reason? It had an in-built clause that the solar cells be manufactured locally, which, claims U.S, discriminates against American solar cell companies, and violates the free trade agreement it has with India. So, in 2014, the U.S filed a complaint with the World trade organization, and they, in their infinite wisdom, ruled last month that, fuck the climate; America selling stuff to India at gun-point is the most important thing.

What makes the story even more interesting is the fact that almost 50 % of states within the United States, has solar and other renewable energy plans with precisely the same kind of 'buy-local' clauses, in order to promote their own local industry.

The fact that this is sheer hypocrisy, is so obvious, I wouldn't need to write a blog about it. Instead, I'm writing this blog to talk about what went through my head after reading about this episode, which brings me to the real point of this whole story - is it hypocrisy to be offended by hypocrisy anymore?

My first thought was seemingly a simple one. What is hypocrisy? And I immediately hit a dead end. Is it a feeling? Or an action? Or something deeper, like a character trait? Somehow none of it sounded right.

I did the next logical thing anyone does when confused.

Google said - Hypocrisy is the practice of claiming to have higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case.

Hmm. That sounded convincing enough; and I would have found that an acceptable explanation, except, I didn't. Mainly because, ' claiming to have higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case' is also an apt description for ' wanting to be a better person'. And that, we have always been told, is a very good thing. Besides, 'wanting to be a better person' is possibly one of the better answer to the question, 'What's your purpose in life?'

So back to hypocrisy. If not this, then what?

Merriam-Webster dictionary had this to say - It is the behaviour of people who do things that they tell other people not to do, behaviour that does not agree with what someone claims they believe or feel.

Ah, finally! An authentic sounding definition. So the U.S most certainly did what they were telling India not to do, which makes them hypocrites of the highest ( international) order.

I wondered if any other instances of hypocrisy would come to mind, now that I'd understood so well what it is. A few did.

- A guy stands up for the national anthem. Later, throws his Pepsi can on the street.

- A guy doesn't stand up for the national anthem, saying he doesn't need to prove his patriotism to anybody. Later, throws his Pepsi can on the street.

- Woman argues with vegetable vendor over price of fruit, brings it down by Rs. 10. Later buys handbag for Rs. 2500.

- Doctor tells patient to avoid smoking. Takes a break from OPD for a smoke.

- Girl takes an hour to get dressed. Claims she doesn't care what the world thinks. Stares at other girls. Objects when she is stared at.

- Climate change is a terrible thing. I've to buy a new car, its too hot to travel by train.

- Guy claims to be 'a nice guy'. Stares at girls.

- Couple knows that excitement lies in novelty, but settles for the comfort of the routine. Couple wonders where the excitement has gone.

- I am unique. Others may be too, but surely not as much as me.

- He doesn't give a damn about the world. He wishes his friends noticed how cool he is.

- She loved being first in her class in school. She hates that her colleague is doing better work than her at her job, and reminds her boss that the team comes before individuals.

- God is the only path to peace. No, not your God, my God.

- My constructive criticism. Your intolerance.

- You should try and be perfect. I am only human.

This went on for a while. Until it stopped. I had a new definition for Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy is a defence mechanism, helping us to deal with all the inconsistencies and the chaotic levels of conflict that persist in our mind.

Human beings are fragile, vulnerable creatures whose minds have very recently learnt to unshackle themselves from the bondages of blind instinct, and like a newborn baby, is now learning to walk by itself using logic and reason. Without the defence mechanism of hypocrisy, our minds would crush under the weight of its own inability to process the myriad of contrasting factors and emotions that course through it. It ensures that, barring the most important information needed for immediate self-preservation, all the 'unnecessary' information is turned to white noise.

To put it simply, it is the single most defining characteristic of human beings, more than love, or anger, or compassion, or jealousy.. all of which could be seen in animals as well. But being human is being a hypocrite.

Have fun with that thought. Good night. :)

Break My Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 05:37:00 +0000

My love, this pain of uncertainty is unbearable. So,
I'm begging you, my darling. Break my heart, and go.
Gladly I shall come to terms, with my wretched state;
For no more would I have to question; no longer need I wait.

The sound of my silent mourning, would ring far more sweet,
Than your wall of silence that neither reaches nor retreats.
Push me! For I'm perched precarious, on this awkward fence,
Where giving up is too painful, giving in makes no sense.

The chasm of grief you'll leave behind would be easier to bear,
Than the nauseating stench of hope that now hangs in the air.
For every spasm of regret that I may go through,
Better than be trapped in foolish promises of you.

In time, my mind would free itself from the memories of your face,
Learn to look at a stranger's and not see yours in its place.
Yet now, you'll shade my every moment, until you let me know;
So, I'm begging you, my darling. Break my heart and go.

Limbic Love

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 07:45:00 +0000

Our limbic system had a complaint to make.
Every other system in the body would take
All the credit for running the show,
And seemed no one even wanted to know
What the limbic system is or does,
Or how important it is to us.
So getting all emotional (as is the limbic way)
The limbic system went on strike one day.

And noone noticed. It was a busy time of year
With membranes to make and metabolites to clear.
The heart, pumped up as usual, didn't miss a beat.
The ass, like an ass, didn't even get up from its seat.
The liver was too busy living, to be of much use.
The stomach was too full to digest the news.
The lungs wanted to smoke, they'd stepped out for air.
And the kidneys, well, they were too stoned to care.

The cerebral cortex, as always, trying to make sense
Of every action, its purpose, and its consequence,
Was so caught up, it took a long while
Before it realized it had forgotten to smile.
The eyes could only watch as memories were made,
But not felt, and eventually, began to fade.
The ears overheard things like excitement and humour,
But dismissed it all as just passing rumours.

Then love happened - and something changed
Sympathetically placed jigsaw pieces got rearranged,
Thoughts started racing, they would not wait
For logical explanations that now seemed inadequate.
The body panicked; the cortex tried its best
To calm down a heart thumping frantic in the chest;
To reason with a stomach full of butterflies now,
With lungs trying to breathe but forgotten how.

Yet nothing was working. The mind confessed -
I'm losing myself with all this suppressed
Emotions. So finally, everyone pleaded
With the limbic system to come back where its needed.
And come back it did, with a swirl and some flair
Because Limbic - does everything with a theatrical air.
So love found its purpose, other emotions too;
And a famous poem was written to give Limbic its due.

A Soliloquy On Sadness

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 02:12:00 +0000

Like a dream, at times, I faintly recall
The shade of emotion they used to call
Sadness - a nostalgic pang from the past!
I try and remember when I felt it last.

I passed by a beggar, and almost forgot
To give the routine coin, and a passing thought
To world poverty and hunger, how society should be,
I went back to planning how my evening would be.

Again, when I tried to save the car crash victim
Who was on his way home when the car hit him,
I was the one who had to break the news to his wife.
I dismissed that too as a part of life.

I saw someone dying, and found myself thinking
What are we but flashes of stardust, blinking
In eternal chaos; in the greater context;
We're here one moment, and we're not, the next.

I did not feel sad when I had that fight,
With my best friend; haven't spoken since that night.
I confess that I miss her, her laughter, her voice
But isn't friendship, like love, in the end, a choice?

Everything that happens must have an explanation,
Emotions are simply exaggerations
Of an inner conflict, a misplaced standing
Of intellectual weakness; a misunderstanding.

With cold bricks of logic and reason I've built
A wall of detachment over emotions killed,
To ensure such fickle faults don't hold sway
A wall to keep human frailties at bay.

Yet, now when I consider all the implications,
A twinge of uneasiness with my calculations.
In fighting with myself, have I lost or won.
If being mechanical is perfect, what is being human?

If man becomes machine, it marks the trend
Of an inevitable march to an evolutionary end,
Where logic paints the whole world with the same brush
Since it was our capacity to feel that differentiated us;

To acknowledge loss. I'd like to believe
I have not yet lost my human capacity to grieve.
I will no longer stop myself from feeling pain,
I want to be able to be sad again.

Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 16:00:00 +0000

The life of a doctor is a strange conception
Its like any other life with a few exceptions.
Like where 'Being Alive' has a different meaning.
More a professional term than a human feeling.

I've read more books on dying than I can count in a breath;
Talk about a morbid fascination for death.
I've seen way too much suffering and grieving and pain,
But I've also seen the neuro chemicals in your brain.

That tells me why you're happy, and why you're not
I know the whole pathway of your channels of thought.
I know where you keep your memories, and secrets of old;
It's a place called amygdala, in the hippocampal fold.

I've spent the last ten years saving lives, but yes,
I have lost more lives than I'd care to confess,
Because every life saved is consolation at best
For all the other times when I couldn't save the rest.

I've been coughed on, spat on, peed on and shit.
I've been screamed at, shouted at, threatened and hit.
I've spent weeks in the ward, sleepless nights and days.
I've had blood on my hands, on my clothes and my face.

Ive the expected blade scar. The occasional needle stick.
I'm more paranoid of pricks than a lesbian chick.
Ive dealt with suicidal lunatics, addicts on drugs.
I've dealt with more drugs than a mafia thug.

I've dealt with sick people, and some people who're not sick,
But think that they're sick, because it gives them a kick
I've spent hours hearing stories of their hysterical lives
Hysterical husbands blaming hysterical wives.

I've learnt that all good things have a tinge of regret.
I've had to put my hands in places that I'd rather forget.
I've learnt that anything, anyone can come to an end,
Anytime. Without so much as a warning;

Letters

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 19:55:00 +0000

I - am a letter
A syllable. A sound.
I have no meaning, yet there's no meaning without me.
But when I get together
With another friendly letter,
I find there is a whole new depth about me.

We - once used to be
Just two letters. U and me.
But now, we are a part of something more.
Words! We hold the keys
To a world of possibilities
If only you find the word you're looking for .

An idea! Your word and mine
Could come together in a line;
Then let our lines join hands to form a thought.
And then perhaps, our thoughts can take
The shape of a poem that would make
Our world change in a way, our letters could have not .

Poetry - is more than just a word
It's more than any poem you may have heard
Its more than meter or rhyme. More than just language, by far.
We're all letters; and in our own way,
We all have something we're trying to say;
Poetry is the unconditional expression of who we are .

Our world is a chaotic place.
Not every letter has found its space.
Some are lost in translation. Others have run into dots.
Some have decided, for better or worse,
To settle for being less than a perfect verse.
Others have tried too hard - rhymed themselves into knots.

But the world is a poem, at the end of the day
Every word has a role to play.
I could be your missing letter, and you could be mine.
Let's join hands, and perhaps we'll see
Together, We might just come to be
The missing word in our poem's final line.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This poem was written as a part of a promotion campaign for The Poetry Club, Mumbai; and was subsequently made into this video..

How to plan a Eurotrip (from India)

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 18:08:00 +0000

Hello!
If you're reading this, then that means you are considering, or at some point in your life, have considered packing up your bags, and heading west to visit the beautiful continent of Europe. If so, then I am writing this blog for you, in the hope that you find it useful.

So here's how you get started on that life-changing trip you've always wanted.

1. Convince your parents

As I mentioned in the title, this is a blog-post mainly for Indians, and therefore, let us deal with the most basic Indian issue. You can be as radical-minded as you want, but good luck taking a road trip to Goa, let alone across Europe, if your parents don't approve.
Now the trick here is time. Parents need time to get used to the idea of their kid travelling across a foreign continent; and if you happen to be planning on doing it just by yourself like I did, then they will need a lot of time. So plan ahead, and start dropping those hints and suggestions today. Even if you have no immediate plans of going anywhere, it will come in useful when you do.

2. Pick your country / countries

As you can see, Europe is a pretty big place, with around 50 countries in it. You can find the whole list here. And every single country will offer a completely different experience. So before anything, you need to pick.

Now this is at once, quite difficult and simple. Difficult, because no matter how cramped and tight a schedule you manage to work out, you could not possibly see more than 4-5 countries in one trip (preferably less than that in a 2 week vacation), and still have at least a reasonable amount of breathing space to enjoy your trip.

At the same time, it is simple, simply because there are no wrong decisions. Wherever you go, whichever country you pick, you will invariably love it.

Now, as to the question of whether to visit several countries or just travel across one country at length, I confess that remains an entirely personal choice, with again, no wrong answer. I tried both; in my first trip, I travelled across Spain, Belgium, Amsterdam and Berlin over 15 days and loved every bit of it. For my second one, I spent 10 whole days just in the beautiful country of Croatia, and loved that as well. So.. #yourchoice.

3. Plan everything yourself or go for a tourist package?

Obviously. both have their advantages. The main advantage of going for a prepaid tourist pack is that you don't need to plan anything. The main disadvantage is that you don't get to plan anything.

Personally, I wouldn't go for one ever, because I found the planning of the trip to be (almost) as much fun as the trip itself. It takes a while longer, but trust me, it will be worth it.

I would, however, recommend using an agent for getting the visa, because it involves a lot of paperwork, isn't particularly fun (in fact, can be quite frustrating), and a good agent can greatly relieve you of this particular headache. I went with Riya travels because a relative of mine works there, and I was quite happy with the way they handled things.

4. Paperwork for Visa

Every country has different requirements for its Visa approval. In Europe, a large portion of the countries are covered under a common visa called the Schengen visa. The list of countries covered, as well the other information needed can be found here.

Here's a rough list of documents that you should certainly have ready with you, before applying for Visa.
A. Valid Passport ( valid upto more than 6 months after your duration of travel). Please don't wait till you have a trip at hand to renew / apply for a passport. If your passport is nearing expiry date, or if you don't have one, I strongly suggest that you apply for one immediately. A new passport can take anywhere between 2 weeks to 2 months to arrive, depending on police verification and other formalities.

B. Income tax returns - This is routinely asked for during all Visa submissions, so keep your salary slips (of the last 6 months before travel), bank account statements showing sufficient balance to cover the cost of your trip, credit card status, and IT returns documents ready.

If you are a student and not earning a salary, or you are on a stipend and have no IT returns to show, then you need to show that your trip is being sponsored by your parent / guardian ( for example, your dad). In which case, you will need to submit his letter of endorsement on his professional letterhead (saying he will sponsor your trip), along with his IT returns and bank statements.

C. Travel tickets - Ideally, you should book these as far in advance as possible, to get the best deals and cheaper rates.
Important tip : Book round trips with the same airlines to get better rates. This holds even if your arrival and departure destinations are different.

You need to submit copies of your booked tickets when applying for visa. One option is you can ask your visa agent to simply block the tickets, and submit a copy of the ticket reservation, and then pay for those tickets after your Visa is confirmed.

D. Proof of accommodation - You need to specify where you will be staying each day of your vacation, and submit proof of the same. If any of your nights will be spent in travelling, for example in over-night trains, this needs to mentioned here as well.

E. Covering letter - Essentially a letter from you to the Embassy of the country of arrival, stating the purpose of visit, duration, and travel plans in brief.

5. Where to stay?

To cut a complicated story short, there are 3 main options for you with regards to places to stay.

A. Hotels:
We are all familiar with staying in hotels, and that is actually its biggest advantage. Also, assuming you are staying in a good one, the room service, and the complimentary breakfast.

The main disadvantage of hotels is that they are the most expensive of all the options, and there is zero interaction with anyone else apart from the people you are travelling with.
A standard room for 2 people in a decent hotel can cost anywhere from 7-10k INR per night. If you are travelling on a budget, or being sponsored by your dad, maybe not the best option.

B. Hostels :

This is my personal favourite, especially when travelling alone or with friends. There are hostels all across Europe, and some of them are truly wonderful. Up for special mention are the Flying Pig hostel in downtown Amsterdam, House hostel in Zagreb and La Banda rooftop hostel in Seville; my stay in these places actually became the highlight of my experience of those cities.

The main advantages of hostels are the affordability (between 800 - 2000 INR a night for a dorm bed) and the warm friendly atmosphere, which if you happen to be travelling alone, feels very welcome. Also, hostels arrange party nights, pub crawls, walking tours, and they also help you plan your way around the city as you like. Also, most good hostels have free breakfast (or at a nominal price, between 1 - 3 euros) and free wifi.

The only possible disadvantage is the lack of privacy in a dorm room, having to share restrooms with fellow hostelers, and sometimes being kept awake by loud party games. And somehow, if you're travelling with an open mind, and looking to interact with others, these things don't really seem that big a deal at that time.

There are plenty of websites that you can use to search for and book hostels. So far, I've used hostelworld.com, and found it quite satisfactory. Be sure to read the reviews of a particular hostel from at least a couple of places (including Google reviews) before booking. Usually hostelworld takes 10 % of the total fees as deposit, and the rest you pay on arrival at the hostel.

C. Airbnb :

If there ever was a perfect middle ground between the two previous options, it is this. Airbnb is a fantastic service, wherein you contact someone who is a local staying in the place you're visiting, and depending on your choice, you can take an entire apartment on rent, or just one room in a house that you will be sharing with your host.

It is more expensive than hostels, costing anywhere from 3k to 15k per night depending on the type of place you pick. But the advantage is that you get your own place, with your own kitchen, and you are immediately in touch with locals who can and do tell you all about their city, and the best places to eat and ways to get around.

Also, some of the Airbnb houses on offer are spectacular, to say the least. Like this one I stayed in at Hvar island, off the Dalmatian coast of Croatia. (Cost 6300 INR per night)

To book an Airbnb, you first need to register yourself on their website, https://www.airbnb.co.in/, and follow their verification process.

D. A 4th option is couch-surfing, wherein you stay with someone for free, and people can come and stay with you if they happen to travel to your locality. It is a wonderful concept, and I have friends who have tried it, and they speak fondly of it. However, I haven't tried it yet, so I'm afraid I don't have much to share on this topic.

6. What to pack?

This may sound obvious, but bad packing can really ruin a trip. Before dealing with what to pack comes the question what to pack it in. You can either carry a backpack or use a suitcase (the kind with wheels). I used a suitcase for both my trips, and I was quite comfortable with it, although majority of the people I met during my stay there were using backpacks.

For what it's worth, I feel if you're going to be hiking / walking around a lot, then backpacks would be better. On the other hand, if like me, you plan to set up base at a particular city for a few days, and then move around locally, a suitcase and a small shoulder bag would be a better option. Again, this becomes personal choice.

I have made a quick checklist of stuff you might consider taking with you on your trip. Most of this is optional, depending on your preference and also the kind of trip being planned, and are mentioned here just so that you could go over them quickly and decide if you are for or against taking it.

You can go through the checklist here.

7. How to get around in Europe?

Europe is an extremely well-connected place, and there is a world of options on how to get around between countries, between cities, and within cities.

Between cities / countries, the two main options are flight and rail. Surprisingly, air travel in Europe is often times cheaper than rail, if booked early. So if you know your travel plans in advance, and you are short of time and/or money, air travel may suit you better than train travel.

That being said, there's something really enjoyable about travelling across Europe by train, whether it be the comfort of the ride, or the highly scenic views outside the window. So take your pick, and plan well.

For any information on rail travel, I've found this website to be quite useful. http://www.seat61.com/

A small note on Eurorail passes. It's a tricky thing, and you need to be really sure about your travel plans to know for certain whether it is a good idea, or if you'll be wasting money. Also, long-distance trains and inter-city trains in Spain need additional reservation (with extra payment) even if you have a Eurorail pass, so take that into account as well.

A third option is of course, by road, and there are long distance buses and over-night sleeper buses running. But I've found these too often to be more expensive and less comfortable than booking a flight.

Bla-Bla cars is a ridesharing service that offers cheap transportation, provided you don't mind sharing space with strangers in a car. Like couchsurfing, I've been told that this works great, but since I haven't tried it yet, I thought I would just mention it.

Renting your own car is a great option if you like driving. I rented one in Croatia, at Zagreb airport itself, from Nova car rental agency. I didn't have any prior reservation, but I got a lovely Toyota Aygo, and I used it comfortably for 5 days, covering almost 1100 km by road. While I did have some misgivings about this prior to the trip, I would now happily recommend this to anyone, especially those visiting East and Central Europe, where local transport, while good, isn't as super-convenient as it is in, say, Barcelona or Amsterdam.

For intra-city travel, the best option is Metro lines, provided the city has one. Try and get a metro pass which makes it very convenient. Some cities have 1 /3/ 5 day city tourist passes which allows for free travel across all public transport, along with free entry into museums and public attractions. Whether this is worthwhile again depends on your travel choices, if you'll be visiting any of those museums otherwise, or if you decide to, say, rent a bicycle. Buses and taxis are the other options. All taxis I've travelled in so far run by meter.

8. How to manage your budget?

This is the trickiest part, deciding how much cash to carry and how to spend it. As a very rough estimate, I would say 50 to 100 euros per day of travel should cover most of the expenses, but this could very much go up or down depending on choices.

To give you an idea, a meal comprising a Mcdonalds burger and coke can be as cheap as 3-5 euros. A meal at a good restaurant with pasta, wine and a dessert will cost between 20 - 40 euros.
A useful cost cutting tip is to shop at supermarkets, and buy bread, cheese, eggs and maybe even some easy-to-make pasta or noodles. 10 - 20 euros and you're covered for 3-4 meals.

Of course, since it's not all about saving money, I would recommend doing what I did, which is to treat yourself to a good meal from a nice place once a day, or atleast once in two days.

Carrying around a lot of cash is both inconvenient and unsafe, especially if you're visiting highly touristy areas like Barcelona, where pick-pocketing is rampant. (2 people from my hostel group had their wallets stolen while we were out for a drink at night) It is advisable to leave most of your cash along with your passport in the hotel room / hostel locker, and carry around only spare cash. A safety pouch (the kind you wear under your shirt) can be useful if you do happen to be carrying more.

I used an HDFC forex card during both my trips, and found to be extremely convenient. While it could also be used as an ATM card, I used it only for swipe transactions as those don't have any extra surcharge on them. Also, it is comforting to know that in case you do run short of cash while over there, someone in India need only deposit the amount in your account here and it becomes immediately available for your use there.

Conclusion

I'm sure there are lots of points I've missed out on, and I promise I'll keep updating this post as when I think of more stuff, or if I learn something more the next time I travel.

For now, I hope you found this useful; and if you felt like trying out a Eurotrip because of reading this, even better! Let me know if there's anything you need to know about the countries I've visited, and I'll help in any way I can.

On another note, if you've travelled to Europe, and you have any additional tips of experiences to share, please do. I would love to hear about it.

So cheers! Take care, and happy travelling!

Someone Like You..

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 11:29:00 +0000

Smriti, this is a confession.
You're not the most ideal of girlfriends.
You're stubborn in your arguments.
And your logic doesn't always make sense.
You are suspicious of my ideas,
before they've even appeared
Your sense of humour is slightly off track,
and your jokes are frankly weird.

You have a love-hate relationship with society,
You see-saw to and fro.
You've grown up, then grown down and grown up again
More than anyone I know.
Do you believe in fate,
There's no other reason how it could be
That it's been 12 years and counting
Since someone like you has met someone like me.

Speaking of which..

I am not a nice person
However otherwise it may look.
And 50 shades of grey
was just an excerpt from my book.
I'm obsessive, I'm compulsive
I have a pathological need for space.
Everything must have its definition,
And every definition must have its place

Even my silence is chaotic,
Screaming in words I don't understand
And the only time when I feel calm
Is when you hold my hand
So I guess all I'm trying to say
In all I'm trying to do
Is I'm lucky that someone like me
Has found someone like you.

The Stages Of A Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sat, 05 Sep 2015 07:36:00 +0000

(This post was written on the night before my wedding day)

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. Blame it on an inability to leave well alone.

So what strikes me foremost is this. How can it be that an emotion so cliché that no one can talk about it without the audience rolling their eyes, can yet be so little understood? It is not just that Love doesn't have a definition. It is that the emotion itself seems to change so much over the course of time, that a static definition feels impossible. And yet, everyone in the world has felt it, and if that wasn't enough, we have all made life-changing decisions based on an emotion we can't define, that we know keeps changing, and that we have no control over.

Isn't that a scary thought?

Of course, this could all be just wedding jitters. Apparently, it happens to the best of us.

While on the topic, I find it fascinating, how most people who have been in a relationship, somewhere believe their situation to be unique. And yet, the truth is that everyone goes through the same set of circumstances, in an almost predictably similar sequence. Perhaps, the only 'uniqueness' in the whole scenario lies in the way a certain couple would approach the situation, but not in the situation itself.

So on that note, here's my quick list of what to expect once you've begun a new relationship. Fair warning, Spoiler alert!

Stage 1: Attraction - the initial phase

We all have a mental check-list of what we find attractive, which is formed over a period of time. This includes both physical and non-physical attributes. In general, the physical attributes considered 'attractive' is largely a result of social norms, whether it be fairness, height, physique or looks.

The non-physical attributes is a result of a mixture of social norms and personal taste, like dressing sense, personality, intelligence, sense of humour, economic status, etc.

It is possible to tentatively divide the attraction into an initial and a later phase.

The Initial phase consists almost entirely of ticking off the checklist. So let's say, if I as a guy, meet a girl for the first time, the more items on my 'check-list' the girl ticks off, the more attractive she would seem to me, and vice-versa. During this initial meeting, it is more likely that the physical attributes of a person would form the predominant 'first impression', so consequently it is these that get ticked off first. This is quickly followed by the more apparent of the non-physical ones.

Stage 2: Justification

This is an interesting one. Once I am attracted to someone, I find myself making a case for how this person that I'm attracted to is so different from everyone else. Which, in turn, makes my feelings to the person unique. Also seemingly unique would be the circumstances under which the two of us meet, making our relationship, a 'one-of-a kind' thing. This is understandable, because nobody wants to see their romance as simply ticking off on a list. There's nothing romantic about shopping at big bazaar.

The stage of Justification then extends further, to include all the positive changes the relationship brings into one's life. Every moment of happiness, or laughter, or excitement, is viable proof that this relationship is indeed a good decision, and not merely a flight of fancy or whim.

Stage 3: Conflict

This is the one with the catch. The important thing to understand here is that, up till this point in the relationship, only the points in favour of the union have played a role. In other words, only the check-list's items that were ticked off have mattered, and the rest have been ignored. For instance, if 'Music' were an item on my list, and the girl I'm attracted to does not tick off that category (which means she either doesn't like my kind of music, or she dislikes music in general), it would not matter to me during the Initial Attraction or the Justification phase.

But eventually, it would matter. Because the fact is, in a relationship, eventually everything matters. And that sets the stage for Conflict.

Imagine human beings as jigsaw puzzles that have been put half-put together in a rush (partly by society and partly by themselves); with a lot of loops, depressions and edges sticking out. It makes sense to me, why I would have walls around me; because as long as my real edges don't find a place to fit into in society (i.e my environment), I need to create superficial pretend ones that do. These walls consist of all the carefully designed responses and the defence mechanisms that we have fashioned for ourselves to help us better deal with society.

As two people get closer and closer together, slowly the walls that they have built around themselves individually get broken down; and the jagged edges (i.e who they truly are) become exposed. And this is potentially painful, simply because they're not used it. And therein begins the Conflict phase, characterised by a series of arguments and fights, accompanied by doubts on whether the relationship is the best thing for them, or won't they be better off alone? This is nothing but a reaction; a desperate need to get back into the relative safety of the superficial walls.

Most break-ups happen during this phase.

The Conflict phase can last anywhere from a few months to years, depending on how close the two people get. The phase often coincides or alternates with the next phase, which is the phase of Growth.

Stage 4: Growth

This is my favourite part. Like we discussed previously, every time we come in contact with society in any form, there is some element of friction; and our usual response is building walls. In a relationship however, walls eventually become impossible to maintain, and so we are 'forced' to respond differently, by doing something far more productive than building walls - we are forced to evolve.

Comfort zones are at once, the best friends and greatest enemies of progress, because while the struggle to achieve comfort is what sparks progress, once achieved, nothing stops further growth more thoroughly than a comfort zone (and the fear of leaving it). Relationships (at least the good ones) force us to leave our comfort zones, to see the world from a (relatively) strange perspective, and to make space for someone else's thoughts and ideas in our heads. This is growth; and growth is always painful.

I repeat. GROWTH IS ALWAYS PAINFUL.

Important note: Stage 3 and Stage 4 tend to go on for a while, often on a loop, sometimes intermingling with stage 5.

Stage 5: Attraction - the Later stage

When two people are evolving together, as tends to happen in a relationship, there is bound to be a lot of 'discovery- moments'; both for self and the other. And there is a certain joy in discovering something new about another person, that no one has known before, not even the person himself / herself. And if you are both evolving concurrently, chances are that many (though not all) of your discovery- moments will be mutually compatible, and inter-related. You find yourself attracted all over again, to someone you've known for a while now, and yet has so much more to him / her than you'd previously thought.

Stage 6: Harmony

Here, I must confess, I'm being optimistic. The way I see it, there will come a time in a relationship when the level of understanding between two people encompasses all the other stages, and their thoughts will move in sync with each other, like two dancers in rhythm.

I haven't reached this stage; I'm still prone, at times, to get stuck in disagreements; and tend to get caught up too often in the whole Conflict - Growth - Conflict loop. But call me a romantic, for some reason, I find comforting, even the idea of a possible future where Harmony can exist.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure there are lots of points I may have missed out on, blame it on the wedding stress. Also, if there's anything on the topic you feel like sharing, I am interested in hearing about it.
So cheers! Take care! And have fun in your relationship, because wherever you are, remember it's just a phase.

See you after I'm married.

Twisted

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 17:52:00 +0000

You - are an enigma.
A paradox at play;
Your chaos in conflict with your virtues at bay.

You're a study in scarlet.
A chessboard of sin.
Your queen mates my king and you call it a win.

Your 'love' is infectious
It spreads to my core.
The fever consumes me. I ask for more.

Your foreplay is on the boundaries
Of legal and sane.
You tiptoe the tightrope between excitement and pain.

Your generosity is ambitious,
Your expectations too.
Believe in lending a hand when a finger would do.

Your conversations - like words
Dipped in honey on my lips;
Lingers in the aftertaste of your fingertips.

Your innocence is charming,
Seductive in suspense;
The darkness inside you hidden in coy of pretense.

Your imagination is twisted
But so is mine, it would seem.
I wonder, between us, who's the fragment of whose dream.

The Two Sisters

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sun, 05 Jul 2015 06:51:00 +0000

Fear and love, I've heard, are kin.
Rumour has it, that they are twins.
Love came first - a warm, vibrant glow.
Fear followed her - struggling, slow.
And it's been that way since.

Growing up, Love would leap a wall,
Before she'd look or think to fall.
While Fear - she would watch and wait
Retrace her steps and hesitate,
And then not leap at all.

Love would always have a smiling face
While playing hide and seek, or chase.
She'd be everyone's sunshine in need
Fear- would prefer to sit and read
And not participate in all the craze.

Once, they found a wild cat to tame
'Curiosity' was the kitten's name.
Curiosity preferred Love's attention;
Now Fear felt ignored in this affection,
And she'd always interrupt their game.

In time, Love had an admirer - a young man
Named Courage - and they began
Their courtship. Yet, none came to see
Poor Fear, in her sister's shadow. So she,
In her frustration, hatched a plan.

Spoke she to Courage - a poisoned word-
"I only convey what you may have also heard,
Love's pleasures are not, for you alone, spared;
There are others, between whom, love is shared.
And you, are just one of many, preferred."

Her words, like arrows, pierced his heart.
Without goodbyes, then, he did depart.
Now broken, Love, into hiding went.
Dark days, behind locked doors, she spent,
That no one could pry apart.

Sunshine withered, and began to fade.
Curiosity died, because no one played.
And Fear.. Ah! She should've felt,
Such joy at the cunningness she'd dealt.
But, she was alone. And fear felt afraid.

She thought - of Love, how much she missed her.
For meaningless is fear without her sister.
Loneliness and remorse filled her chest.
She then found Courage, and confessed.
And he - broke down Love's doors, and kissed her.

Love and Courage now live together.
The only way to get to one is through the other.
And yes! They have made a special place
For Fear, in their hearts. And there she stays,
As family. For sisters, take care of one another.

The Travel Blog - Day 1: Endings and beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 15:36:00 +0000

So we begin. With the joy of catching up with a group of friends that I had spent the best part of the last 3 years with.

Here's who I am traveling with, for they deserve to be mentioned by name. All brilliant doctors, and yet so different.
1.Jayant - my room mate and the definitive gentleman
2.Suyog - the grown up of the batch (and father of the cutest kid I've seen)
3. Bhushan - the brave one
4. Ravi - the funny one, and the best teacher amongst the batch
5. Akshay - the badminton champ who turns out to be equally good at Antakshari.
6. Pooja - the solitary girl of the batch, and brilliant at that.
7. Gajanan - aka gajju, who shifts seamlessly from being a vegetarian and non-vegetarian
8. Jimil - aka Jimilbhai, probably the most gujju guy in the country after Modi. And also winner of every medical award there is.
9. Bhaskar - the most disciplined guy ever
10. Shrikrishna - the ISKON follower, with a uniquely calm outlook to life
11. Shahaji - the most carefree guy ever.
12. Rajat - correction. This is the most carefree guy ever.
13. Dhiraj - brilliant. Competitive. Focused. Fun.
And the two of couldn't come, and are missed a lot..
14. Alok - the introvert. The poet. The Hindi literature lover.
15. Ashwin - the closed book.

And also joining for the journey were Tejashree and Natasha from the Gynac department. Who would have thought medicine and gynac can ever get along, let alone take a trip together! Shows how perspectives change after residency.

As for the trip so far, its been as fun as expected and then some more.
The highway dhaba lunch with that amazing lassi, the sacred dip in the waters of Gangs at Haridwar, the late night drive to Rishikesh and the campfire dinner...

Tomorrow promises to be a busy day, starting with River rafting..

Hope you're all good. See you tom

The Travel Blog - Day 0 : Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 14:24:00 +0000

I feel I am standing at a threshold of change, and if I were to see my life as a movie, sometime in the next few months would be the dramatic twist followed by the interval. Since I will be getting married around this time, I assume what I am feeling is a version of wedding jitters. Nevertheless, the feeling persists.

Here's a quick look at what's been happening so far, and a gist of what's to come.

1. I completed my 3-year stint in KEM last month, and am now allowed to call myself an MD Medicine doctor, and also charge exorbitant fees from patients for the same treatment an MBBS or BAMS doctor would give. I plan, however, to study further, so that one day I may call myself a DM super-specialist, and charge even more for the same treatment. Should be fun.

2. My poetry has been coming along splendidly, thanks in no small part, to a wonderful group of people calling themselves The Poetry Club, Mumbai, who meet up every month and tell me that while my poems are good, they can be better. Ah, constructive criticism.. where would we all be without it? And how much happier with ourselves?
But, then again, I did get to shoot poetry videos on Youtube, take part in an online Radiocity show, and get called to judge literary events in colleges. So cheers, TPC! And thanks :)

3. My wedding has been fixed (finally) in the month of August. And just like any other match that has been fixed, I'm hoping rain doesn't play spoilsport.

4. My guitar playing, has unfortunately, taken an inexcusable backseat, and I haven't practiced since that show last year with Vivek, Ankita and Janani. I plan to restart practice in July, but I fret because there are strings attached.

5. I have been under a lot of pressure to lose weight, mostly from myself. To that end, I have been going swimming, playing tennis, exercising with weights at home, and playing football ( FIFA 15 on Xbox) everyday since the last month. And after a month of all this, I am happy to report that I have lost a total of 0.7 kg. At this rate, I will reach my ideal BMI sometime in the year 2019.

6. My next one month will be spent almost entirely in travelling. I plan to visit Rishikesh for 5 days with my batchmates from KEM. And then, on to Europe for 15 days, where I will be travelling alone. I am going to try to post a blog on each day, however small, to capture the essence of the day, for memory's sake. I hope I can.

There have been a lot of things I have wanted to blog about over the last few months; about KEM residency and how to survive it, about certain conversations I had with amazing people, and the thoughts and the conclusions from those, and about random events that made an impact on me. I apologize to both myself and my readers that I have been unable to do so. I have made note of all of it, and I promise I will try and do justice to them in time.

That's it for now. I must go pack for a month's travel. I'll see you again tomorrow (hopefully), and tell you how unbearably hot Delhi is, and how Rishikesh looks like on first impression.

Take care, and cheers.

Dear society,

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Mon, 08 Jun 2015 04:20:00 +0000

I wonder what I'm waiting for
Or what I'm hesitating for.
I know now what I have to do,
Should I procrastinate for you?
To understand; or make up your mind
Who you are, by what defined.
Time is scarce and scarcer still -
Signs you're growing or ever will.

In your urge to rule the crowd,
You've let your own rebellion cloud
Your judgement, and your inner sight

You look for truth with reflected light.
No wonder then, in vain you wait.
For what will lies but lies illuminate?

When you seek enough for identity
You find we are all of one entity.
This paradox lies at the crux
Of our constant state of flux.
I don't know how to make you see,
The patterns forming in front of me.

If I could, I'd say you and I are done.
But I can't, for you and I are one.

On Acknowledgement

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 21:35:00 +0000

I used to think the need for acknowledgement was a sign of a fragile ego. I acknowledge that I was mistaken.

"Acknowledgement" means Accord / Accept Knowledge. It is the difference between blindly learning, and understanding what you've learnt.

In the human body, just as in physics, or chemistry, every thing has a reaction. That's the way the universe works; that's how it communicates.

Acknowledging someone's thought is the starting point of communication, which is the starting point of a conversation.

Our social system is built on a fabric of communication, which while may not be the strongest one, is nevertheless, all we have. And as long as we are involved in this system in any capacity, we must understand that everyone of us needs acknowledgement for the things we say and do.

Imagine talking to people and have no one replying to you. Or sending letters and have no one write back. Would that cause you any form of uneasiness?
How about something you've achieved, and you were expecting people to appreciate or at least notice it, and no one does. Would that disturb you?
Or what if nobody wishes on your birthday?
Or don't pick up your phone?
Or pick up on the signs that you're not feeling well?
Or at least try to understand you?
In other words, would you be alright if you're not acknowledged?

If I were to send someone a message and not receive acknowledgement of that, I would assume that that person does not wish to have a conversation with me. Which in itself, is absolutely acceptable, except that, that I would always prefer to be told that, rather than having to assume it.

Acknowledgement does not mean replying to a question or participating in a discussion; it simply means - 'Message received'. But it has to come from the person to whom the message was sent to, not by a program with two blue tick marks.

Not acknowledging is, I believe, worse than ignorance; because while the latter is Not knowing, the former is Refusing to know.

It's not just external; often we don't acknowledge ourselves. Every time our brain gets a new thought, or impulse, and we choose to ignore it, or suppress it, that is us not acknowledging who we are. And if we refuse to talk to ourselves long enough, eventually that conversation dies out.

I accept that it's difficult at times to acknowledge everything we ought to, being far too caught up in our own hypocrisies to pay attention to others or even ourselves. But, in this case, the price we pay is that we miss out on a conversation, a lesson, or getting to know that someone else. Or ourselves.

Writing on the wall

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:31:00 +0000

I need to read
The writing on the wall -
That my need to feed
Is ruining all
My dreams and plans;
I mustn't forget,
I'm taking a chance;
The rounder I get,
The flatter I'll fall.
Its either fat or fate;
The writing's on the wall -
I must lose weight.

A Small Dilemma

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:28:00 +0000

There's a hole in my heart
Ever since, she said
That a split is inevitable,
And that its all fixed.
My heart murmurs in protest
While my blood flows mixed
With my emotions;
Beneath my chest,
I feel shunted.
She tells me to forget.
But how can I be functional
When I can feel the thrill?
I guess this is love.

Or maybe I need to get
My ASD corrected.

#poemsonlymedicosget

You

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 18:14:00 +0000

You - had the capacity to
Make my day; and end it too.

I was the sky, and you - the sun.
I felt alive when you were in view.

But you - left my horizon;
Shadows started creeping through.

The darkness - that was forgotten,
Was reaching back to reclaim its due.

The stars vanished one by one.
I became the night - in memory of you.

Redefining Friendships

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 15:26:00 +0000

I'm all into minimalism these days, thanks to Sanat.

So I've been trying to clean up the mess, and re-organize all the clutter in my life. And there's a lot. It's going to take longer than expected.

Anyway, I was thinking about friends, and how each one is unique, and yet we all share similar bonds. Then I realized that, like so many things in life (most recently, Poetry), we don't have a definition for the word 'Friendship', which is ironic considering how often and loosely we use the term.

Now before I get into it, a small discussion on this habit of defining things. Oscar Wilde says ' to define is to limit'. And I do agree, in that by defining something, we assume we know all there is to know about a subject, which prevents us from learning more.

But, I find that without definitions, it becomes impossible (or at the least, quite difficult) to document new lessons learnt, or understand any change of opinion.

In any subject as relative and abstract as friendship or poetry, I find it easier to find the 'ideal state', and define that. So, a less-than-ideal friendship would still be a friendship, just like a badly cooked pasta is still pasta.

Definition of Ideal Friendship :
A relationship between two individuals, wherein both can be with each other, and let each other be, with equal harmony.

Now let me explain.

1. I personally believe an ideal friendship is always one-on-one (i.e between two people), but there's no reason why the definition cannot be applied to groups as well.

2. When I say 'Be', I mean be the person you truly are, without any pretenses or defense mechanisms.

3. I realize the term 'harmony' is open to interpretation, so , for lack of a better definition, I'd describe it as being fully in sync with who you truly are.

4. Those who don't know who they 'Truly are', can't aim for an ideal friendship; however, if they're lucky to have found one, they can learn a lot about themselves in retrospect.

5. I'm still undecided as to whether romantic relationships can ever be an ideal friendship, because I don't know how it can ever completely fulfill the second criteria of letting each other be. ( It's ironic that I thought of this entire concept during a conversation with Smriti.)

On Freedom Of Speech and Poetry

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 22:59:00 +0000

Let us talk of Freedom. Everyone seems to know about it, but I am yet to meet someone who can define what it is in its entirety.

If we are to define freedom as the capacity to do what we want, then by its definition, we are limited by what we want. Or in other words, we are bound by our imagination. Is that freedom?

If someone puts me in a cage, I would claim to be not free. What if the cage was as big as a house? Or a town? Or a country? Would I then be free?

Or is freedom simply not knowing where our boundaries lie? Is ignorance truly bliss?Perhaps, like everything else, this too is relative.

As I stand today, who I am is limited by my imagination.

My imagination is limited by my language.

My language is limited by my words.

My words are limited by my knowledge.

To cut a long story short, we are what our words make us.

Freedom doesn't lead to speech as much as speech leads to freedom.

Now, a word on poetry.

I have, since the past one year, been associated with a wonderful group of people, who're part of The Poetry Club. And while there is a whole blogpost - worth of stuff to write about that, the point here is that it made me think of aspects of poetry which had never occurred to me before. And the first of these, had been the basic one. What do we mean, when we say Poetry?

I had an interesting conversation with Ankita a month ago, where we drew up a list of differences between prose and poetry. While that was enlightening, I couldn't help but suspect that the answer has to be a simple and single one, and two days back, it came to me.

I was listening to rap music, and thinking how similar it was to poetry. But I noticed that rap uses a lot of extra words and repetitive lines, in order to match the beats, or fit a rhyme. And prose, meanwhile, has an even greater luxury of space, and time; it can afford to spend a lot more words on a thought.

So, my first conclusion is this - In poetry, there is economy of words.

Often its not just the quantity of the words, but their relative relevance to the rest of the body in terms of meaning and placement. In prose, a word may still be used flippantly, or the order of words changed in a sentence, and the overall structure would not suffer. In a poem, however, each word is so carefully decided upon, and delicately placed, that to change it would be to change the poem.

This is my second conclusion - in poetry, there is delicacy of words.

Finally, the big picture, the message. Here, it is more difficult to differentiate prose and poetry, as both can convey the message they carry equally well. Perhaps, prose has the edge, considering the ease with which it can be understood, because in a poem, the same message gets woven into a more condensed form, a more intricate pattern.

So my final definition of poetry is - any piece of art, spoken or written, which displays an economy, delicacy and intricate pattern of words.

(You will notice that I have not added rhythm or rhyme into my definition; however, I do believe that poems which follow rhythm and rhyme of some manner have a more easily identifiable pattern to appreciate.)

To put it in another perspective, to write a poem, I can't use a word that I deem extra, I can't
use any other word in place of the word I choose as fitting, and the sequence of words cannot change - without changing the poem.

A Corollary:

If art is defined as something we create, then life is the biggest example of art possible. In that case, poetry, as an art form, becomes a way of life. And on applying the same definition, a poetic life would imply one in which every action, and every event has meaning, a deeper purpose, and forms a pattern with the rest.

To me, that sounds like a worthwhile dream.

Pool

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 08:14:00 +0000

Everything seemed in their places
After what felt like ages
of plotting and planning;
I had everyone standing
right where I wanted them.
So I went on with it.

But.
As soon as I set the ball rolling,
I knew I had made
The biggest of follies.
Mistake! Should've waited;
I had miscalculated
The true color of those around me.

One thing led to another;
Worlds crashed into each other
and got torn apart;
Hopes dashed;
Before I knew it,
I was trapped -
Being pushed inexorably
Towards a pit of doom,
From which, i assumed,
there was no return.

Some say life is chaos.
Some search for effect and cause.
Some say all control is an illusion;
Others settle for the delusion
Of a life with rules.

As for me, I make
No claim for claim's sake;
Ill just keep playing pool.

The Procrastination Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 14:44:00 +0000

There's a time and place for everything
Sadly its never here and now.
There's a million things I wish to do
But I dont know when and how.

I find I'm always stalling
I'm constantly rewriting plans.
My mind is like the face of a clock
My priorities spin like hands.

My box of pending things-to-do
Is overflowing, but I keep it shut.
I look at the most urgent tasks at hand,
And then I do everything but.

If only I finish whatever I start,
If only I dont leave things so late.
I swear, when I'm done writing this poem,
I'll never ever

Inside

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 14:39:00 +0000

"Please stop talking", I said to myself;
"I didn't say a word", I replied.
"Shut up, both of you", I finally spoke,
"We're trying to sleep inside".

Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 11:17:00 +0000

Feel the darkness, not the absence of light.
Its not the ending of the day that makes it a night.
Pleasure doesn't preclude the possibility of pain.
Love and anger can co-exist and remain.

To understand something is to understand it's core,
Whatever is left when there is nothing more.
To know the truth is to forget all else that is known.
And to truly love is to love alone.

The world is chaos; and it is filled to the brim.
While in a tiny little island of solitude I swim.
The waves of disharmony rise up to a tide
I watch as life and lives collide.

Like sinking sailors scramble to a boat,
We clutch at each other to keep us afloat.
But remember we'd set out to sail on our own,
And when we cross that horizon, we sail alone.

Notice its not death that terrifies the soul,
Rather the apparent loss of supposed control.
But what of life beyond the stopping of the breath?
Or is the ending of this life all that is death?

Perhaps, there's more to existence than meets the eye.
And in singularity, there's more to me than just I.
The words have been spoken, the path has been shown.
Follow I must; and I must follow alone.

The Disconnect Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Siddharth Warrier) — Wed, 14 Jan 2015 20:47:00 +0000

I have no friend

But that's ok.
I've never really needed one anyway.
But sometimes
I seek distraction,
Just for my own satisfaction.

While my comfort lies
In peace and silence,
At times I crave intellectual violence.
An obnoxious word
A dirty thought
A dark fantasy I've never got.

I find myself
In search of quirks
Displaced thoughts, incomplete works.
People on a tangent
Their ideas in shift
Personalities that don't quite fit.

I get turned on
By the weird or unheard
I dismiss the obvious and embrace the absurd.
I hate the mundane
The 'general point of view'
I have a pathological need for something new.

I look for twists
In every old fashioned story
Each childhood dream must find its grownup glory. .
I seek familiar faces
But in strange locations
And I yearn for unexpected conversations.

If my body needs intimacy
Then my mind needs intelligence
People with minds with whom mine is in resonance.
I enjoy the beginning
And foreplay is fine,
But I prefer what comes after we've crossed that line.

I like paradoxical

Conflicts in retrospect,

Relationships that form while in disconnect.

Empty words that burn

And silences that sting,

Distances that only love can bring.

I know I'm toying with myself;
Like a twisted game of chess
Where I've checkmated myself; Eventually, I confess!
I do have my friends
Does that make it ok?
Maybe that's not what I've been looking for anyway.