Wander.

PUMPKINS!

2011-11-25T22:37:00.005+08:00

The dreamers and the realists.

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists. But more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists... well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground. - Cameron Tucker, Modern Family. :)

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Learning to draw different characters from Christopher Hart's Humongous book of Cartooning.

old drawing I did for the Student Council giveaways.

doodles from moleskinne.

Coloring outside the lines.

2011-11-25T00:14:00.004+08:00

Simple things come from the simplest beginnings. It all starts with a single step.

I love kids. I love their whole idea and notion of joy, simplicity and innocence. I love how they never let any single being or circumstance complicate who and what they want to be. :) I guess that's why I never get tired of them, because somehow through them I get reminded of the true meaning and essence of life itself-- to enjoy every bit and moment of it, to seize the day and take time to actually LIVE!

So last Saturday (on November 19) was the day we've all been waiting for. It was the BLUE CHRISTMAS 2011 event! :) It's a yearly student organized charity event held at my college, Ateneo. It's basically an event dedicated for unfortunate kids, making them the ultimate stars of the day-- treating them special, playing with them, making them happy and etc. :)

So there, I volunteered as a facilitator for the kids. :)

Facilitators, Class Hosts, and the kids in our group!:)

I woke up at 4am since the call time for the facilitators was around 5:30am till 6am. It was so early I could barely get up. I got to school at 6am (HA! Just in time hohoho) and registered. I met my fellow faci, Shelly, and off we go preparing. We sort of panicked at first because our other faci member was running late and we were worried that we won't be able to handle the 24 kids assigned to us (There are usually about 4-5 facilitators assigned per group of children). Anyway, we decided that I'll be the jeep representative ( the one to fetch the kids at their area) while she prepares the stuff needed for our next venue. I was so confused, I didn't know where to go. I was to ride the jeepney to the area (which I absolutely have no idea where). I was so scared of getting lost that I ended up being so panicky and jittery while waiting for our 48 A Jeepney. But at the last minute! My other fellow faci (Elaine) who ran late, finally came and went with me!

Elaine, my other fellow faci (Photo taken inside the jeep!!)

THE SCHOOL! where we fetched the kiddies from :)

We went to Project 3 Elementary School and fetched the kiddies. After the roll call of names, instead of the supposed 24 kids we will be handling, it lessened to 23. We were so blessed that the 23 kids we handled are all active, hyper and just absolutely bright and incredibly happy. :)

The kiddies! (girls) (L-R, cherry, biancs, bangbang, ruby, daph, char, janna, suzy, pocahontas (I like calling her that, I told her she looks like pocahontas don't you think? kiddie version), rain and charm.

(L-R) Francis, Aj, christian, raphael aka dugong (he likes to be called that), Jorell

He's such a cutie don't you think? Jorell is Top 1 of his class! :) Bright, bright kid indeed. He amused me by showing me his books. For a 10 year old kid, he reads philosophical books! (The book was entitled, What does it mean to be happy?) He also brought with him his Spanish book. He told me he wanted to learn. :) [He was able to teach me a few words!]

Sweet sweet, Paolo!:) He chose to spend his birthday with us!:) Happy Birthday kiddo!

Raphael, a.k.a., Dugong. :)) [One of our most hyper kiddo that day!]

It's Christian! :)

Add caption

Francis said he wanted this to be his new DP in Facebook.

At the jeep, on our way to Ateneo!:)

At the classroom, waiting for the activities prepared by the class hosts. :)

Ruby, the half mexican kid. :) [cool right?] [She said she wants to grow up to be an actress. :)] + Rain [the tough girl who likes pellet guns. waddap! :))]

Meet my fellow faci's!:) shelly + elaine! :)

Shelly + elaine + our other faci member! mikee

yes. because we are cool asians. harhar.

they really love the camera. hahahhaa.

Kids having fun.

THE BOYS.

The very tired BUT happy faci's!:)

Nix and I with miss juniPERRR.

Our last pictures with the kiddies before sending them off!:(

Funny how God really works in mysterious ways. That same week, the sunday message was all about being radical. It's all about going outside the norm, building on your principles, starting something right, having an advocacy, evoking a simple change. And with that said, I'm glad that I was able to end my week happy by participating in this wonderful life changing event. I was bone tired, but heart happy. Looking forward to do this again. :)

You just have to try harder.

2011-11-13T22:17:00.002+08:00

(As i opened my ever so favorite things we forget website! The recent post-it is perfect for what I'm going and feeling right now)

It's always easier said than done. Committing to something is real a tough job.

I think I need more zeal to finish off all the things and responsibilities that I have to fulfill this semester. It's only been a few days since the start of school but I feel so drained. I don't want to do anything school related anymore. I'm not entirely sure if the reason of such is because of my lack of passion and drive for my course. I've made my choice and I'm going to stick to it. I'm not really much of a quitter. I know I have to take this course for my family and well for practicality-- even if my love for arts far outweighs them all. So for now, I don't really have much choice left but to stay and strive harder.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated at myself on why I handle things this particular way or on why I always feel so small about myself. I see myself as strong. However, I can't help the times where in I feel so incredibly weak-- that all my doing is not enough. I'm no genius, but I think I'm smart enough to work my butt off? :(

I was finding inspiration when I came across Bo Sanchez' blog ( We don't have the same specific religion though, he's a catholic, I'm a Born again Christian. But we love the same God- - and well, he has really good posts!) He said..

"The older I get, the more I believe that commitment is the magic sauce of all success. It’s the secret ingredient. There can be no success without commitment.

What is commitment?

Let me throw away complicated and boring definitions. Let me give you my very simple, homespun, easy-to-understand definition: Commitment is doing the hard stuff.

All success comes from doing the hard stuff."

" God Cannot Fully Use You Without Commitment

Let me give you an analogy.

You’re the boat. God’s power is the wind that will push the boat. And your commitment is the sail of the boat. It’s your commitment that catches the power of God.

The power of God is always available to you.

But are you using that power?

Mind you, without the sails, the wind can still push the boat. But it’ll be very slow. It’s your commitment that uses the power of God to do great things.

God cannot fully use a person who isn’t committed.

Do you want to do great things?

Be committed to your dreams.

Every success in the world happens because of commitment.

Henry Ford is known as one of the richest men in history. But five times in his life, the man failed in business and became totally bankrupt. But Henry Ford didn’t stop. He kept doing the hard stuff. Finally, he built the Ford Motor company—now the second biggest carmaker in America. What made Henry Ford succeed? Commitment.

Rowland Macy failed in 7 businesses. Can you imagine how depressing that was? But he had commitment. He didn’t stop. Finally, he built a store named Macy’s in New York. The rest is history. Macy’s is now the largest department store in the world. It has 800 giant stores in America. What made Rowland Macy build his store after failing 7 times? Commitment.

Col. Sanders was rejected 1009 times by restaurants who didn’t like his fried chicken recipe. He later built KFC,which has 20,000 restaurants all over the world. What made Col. Sanders go knocking on the doors of 1009 restaurants, selling his fried chicken recipe? Commitment.

Stephen King submitted his book manuscripts to 30 publishers. All rejected his book. He was so discouraged, he threw away the manuscript in the trashcan. But his wife picked it up and mailed it to another publisher. They accepted it. Today, Stephen King has written 49 books and has sold 350 million copies. What made Stephen King submit his manuscript to 30 publishers? And what made his wife pick up the manuscript from the trash to submit it to one more publisher? Commitment.

Friend, it’s always commitment that will make you succeed.

Here’s another definition: Commitment is stickability amidst difficulty.

What dreams in your life have not yet come true?"

And indeed it does, which reminded me all my mini-commitments for myself (c/o the commandments I made for myself). I've been trying hard to really live it and well, most of the time it's working-- except for the do it now part because I'm still struggling with procrastination, but mostly I struggle in denial-- that I really really have to do these things even if I don't 100% like it at all.

This is precisely why again, I'm asking God for strength and zeal for my commitments and my responsibilities. I know I cannot do this on my own. I have my own masterplan laid out. But still, I know My God has the better "masterplan" laid out for me. For now, I just really want to do my best and I want him to guide me to that. :( I hope in time, His will be revealed to me. This is one of the moments I need Him more that ever. The extent of my asking does not only pertain and limit to my studies, but more of my whole self. It's like a hodgepodge reevaluation of what and who I make myself to be, as well as the many other things I'm going dealing right now--- self issues, insecurities,school itself, my course, family issues (the usual-- dad) -- not to mention my desperation to think of some crazy way to earn money (just in case, we run off and detach ourselves from dad's control)

1 Peter 5:7.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Hebrews 10:23

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

1 Peter 1:6-8

" ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy"

Feeling Artsy Fartsy

2011-11-05T18:26:00.003+08:00

In line with my reading of "The Happiness Project", I finally mustered up my ball of energy to FINALLY finally clean and de-clutter my room. I'm so proud of myself, I can almost cry in happy tears. I've never felt so organized before. Gretchen Rubin was right. Organizing stuff never felt this good, not to mention fulfilling. The much more free space appearing on my cabinets and drawers here and there made me feel so incredibly happy. :) OH, and on top of all that! I rediscovered(? haha) my old drawings, priced possessions, the different letters written to me, sentimental little things and so much more. I also was able to put away some good stuff for donations! I gave away all my little scrunchies, hair clips, pretty pins and etc. haha. They're all still in their good shape anyway, depreciated through time but still pretty and usable! haha! Siiigh. I could still remember wearing those bow clips to school on my first pre school day, till my very first day as grade 3 in my alma matter. hoho.

So much fun reminiscing. Having said that! I would like to share more of my old sketches! (I'm so happy now, they're all tucked away safely in my clean pretty clear plastic envelope. HA! I hope it doesn't get lost this time. I vow to be more organized.)

Here it goes!:)

Quickie Doodle of Lucy. She looks dazed. hahaaa.

Bored Sketch two years ago. I really love drawing monsters. HOHO

Submitted a drawing proposal for SC. (Though it was not used, my other design did. I'll post that later on)

Old drawing two years ago.

More monsters. rawr.

More recent ones? Mostly done during the summer.

Copied from Mom's cute figurine

Scary.

I LOVE CARTOONS. I still don't know what to name these two people. haha!

I got inspired by Pocahontas' eyes.

Monster, inspired from Chicken Little? hahaa! As for the girl, I don't really know.

One of my favorite's so far. (Summer, 2011)

Sometimes, I feel like I get the "drawing juice" better flowing when I draw on clean smooth bond papers than drawing on my newly bought moleskine. :( The only trade off with me drawing on loose papers is more often than not, I lose them. :| So I thank God so much when I found almost all my favorite drawings. Anyway, I hope with my moleskine :( I can push myself to try harder and make more interesting drawings and characters.

I'm still aiming to do finish that 30 day drawing challenge, given by my friend. And I think taking on that challenge will surely hone more my so called doodle skills. haha. I hope I'll be able to set the time. Second semester's about to start in TWO MORE DAYS! I want to focus on my studies, though at the same time, not to much. I don't want to explode middle of the semester, stressed and pulling my hair out just because I didn't have time for my art. It's still important to me. God wish me well in all my majors and subjects this sem.

A new perspective

2011-11-05T03:16:00.003+08:00

Hello there.

I've recently been reading this wonderful book by Gretchen Rubin, "The Happiness Project". I never really saw myself reading a self-help kind of book. But "The Happiness Project" of Gretchen Rubin, intrigued me. Anyway, I think it's very timely that I'm reading this before the second semester of college starts (oh gah, 3 days more and counting-- I'm so not ready to go back to school yet.)

Well, without further adieu...

:) I'm not even half of the book and yet I'm already hooked. Am I planning to start my own "happiness project"? Maybe. But for now, in line with the book's context and content. I'm inspired to do my own twelve commandments just like the writer did, after she had an epiphany moment at a city bus about finding the secret of happiness. I had my own epiphany the other night, quickly running off to my study table, getting my pad of paper and immediately jotting my random thoughts down. And here's what I've come up with: (Excuse the randomness, it was 2am and I'm not quite sure if I'm still making sense)

1) Go for the vision. Go for the goal.

2) Don't think, just do.----> (not being impulsive, but I've learned that over contemplating something loses your act of actually doing what you want to do)

3) Always have a good perspective. (Optimism) ---> (I suck at actually being optimistic, I advice a lot of people to be and most of the times it works on them, but I can never apply my words to myself.)

4.) Love until you have nothing to give.

5) Listen. Actually listen.

6) Don't count.

7) Do your best, leave God the rest.

8) You reap what you sow. (I still like to think that, even if it doesn't hold precisely true for most of the grades I got in last semester, not that I failed most of them. But expected more)

9) Never expect, never assume. (Now this, holds true for a lot of things.)

10.) Be contended.

11) Enjoy now.

12) Be more open.

It's not arranged by any sort of order if you ask. I realized that reading through this book not only made me go for the goal of finding true happiness, but also it made me think about becoming even more as a better person than I am today. I want to improve further my growth and maturity, because somehow I think to be able to actually and truly make a difference in the lives of others, I should mirror the kind of life they should be living. I should be a person worthy to be emulated. But of course, sometimes being the goody goody is just so darn hard. Like let's say before I have my outburst, I have to think twice.

Anyway, I'm never really good at keeping resolutions. But I hope by setting the scope of my so called version of my twelve commandments will keep me sane and good or be better at handling things. I hope this next semester will be better than the last time. I want to try even harder, and do the very best of my efforts. I'm not going to lie and say I won't procrastinate because somehow in the whole process I know I'll end up still doing it. But I'll try hard to deviate from it nevertheless. Like my 1st commandment says, I'm going for the goal. I know it'll be hard and I can never assume (as said from my ninth commandment), but I still hope I could be one of the DL's. It's still my dream, not for anyone but for myself. (OKAY OKAY fine, maybe for my grandfather (angkong) too. I want him to be happy. He really brightens up when he hears I get good grades, and the fact that he's sick (His cancer cells depleted, yes but he still holds it in his system), I want to put a good use of my time and make him proud. :) Besides that, I think getting a higher grade will increase the chances of me picking a really good school for my Junior year, in the JTA program, my school holds. I know this is quite farfetched, but it's still worth a try. I really have big dreams you know? Thinking of the future gives me the hibbie jibbies. Future's future, it holds another story for itself. SO for now, I'm trying NOT to over think and fast forward things. Though..I feel like I'm contradicting myself at some point for my saying that I'm going for my vision. Anyway, my point is that, I have this goal in mind. But for now, in the process of going through that goal and hopefully completing it, I'm going to enjoy now (eleventh commandment) and hope it's worthwhile.

Okay. This is for now. 3:10am. (Sigh, it seems like my brain always works better at this time. I think I'm sleep deprived. Another reason why I think I should add "sleep early" to my commandments or lists of things to do. ... I'll save that for my next post, but till then. This will be as far as it goes.)

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(From now on, I'll try to include some of my random sketches per post. :). This might just be another way of pushing myself to practice drawing everyday, not that I protest against that-- I love drawing. My passion for it will never ever die. (haha how cheesy). But, making this commitment means that, I have to spend each day with accomplishments, and one of which is to have fun and make art.

(a sketch I did I think last year-- at school. bored. HOHO)

(I can say one of my proudest so far -- I think I drew Randall from the Monster's Inc. pretty well.. not that I'm gloating. hahaa)

disappointment

2011-09-27T20:10:00.003+08:00

my mom just told me she looks up to me as a christian.
:( and with that, im reminded that im not worthy to be emulated.
With the way im acting up right now, the way im responding to things, the way im always depressed, easily irritated and mad all the time does not give any justification for me to be a "role model".

i'm a hypocrite.

so don't call me nice. :(

in the end:( im reminded again of what I should do.

I have to set things right.

Paradoxical

2011-09-10T10:54:00.007+08:00

Every day I'm having a war with myself.
Every single day I wake up, I'm in an endless fight in a battlefield.

And honestly, I feel so tired. I never felt this way before. Tired of everything really. Spiritually, I think I'm caving into my decision from running from God-- which is wrong. I'm like Jonah, yes the guy from the bible. :) (Jonah 1:1-16, Jonah 2:1-10). Why, because I don't know really. I feel lost, scared and hopeless. Which is why EXACTLY a senseless person like me is ebbing away to that little world of nothingness. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling deprived of all the things I should be doing, should be feeling just because their fight this time affected me so much more. I hate sulking, whining (do i? :( ), and just feeling darn sad all the time. Though I really try not to show any of these pessimistic and depressing feelings at school or any where else for the matter, it still just gets harder by the time I go home. It's like when I go home, and see him, my feelings just get a thousand times magnified, feelings of shame, disgust and bitterness. I feel betrayed and cheated upon. I felt like when I put my heart on the line again, forgave my dad for what he did before, and gave him another chance to change was just taken for granted. For almost 2 years, I have struggled to find myself again. After the last fight last 2009, he knelt before me and my brothers to be a better person, husband and most of all father. But did he really?

I live a life full of cycles. And the thing is the disease never stops. They argue, they fight, mom cries, mom goes to me ranting and crying, I go @-) and put up a front that oh that's okay.. this is just one of his crazy episodes.. wanna move out now?, she goes nah, we still have to think about our financial state if we can survive, blahblahblah fast forward, and then they get back together again, apologizing, then comes the promises that he will be better, won't do it again,... after a few months, we're back from the start, and the stupid cycle repeats itself yet again.

When will it ever stop?

I'm nineteen.

Which means that they've been together for what almost 20 years?

Ever since my childhood, I've lived through it (all the cycles, whether it involves, physical or verbal abuse, infidelity, and etc.) I have all the battle scars you can ever imagine. It's all there, all proofs of triumphs and downfalls. And in every single moment that my life turns upside down again-- like this, it never ceases to pain me that this is the reality, that this is my life.

I know I have no right to question God. Like I said, I've been running away from my responsibilities for being a christian. Maybe, the reason why is that I'm stalling? I'm idling? or I'm making some excuse so that I won't be able to face the truth. The truth of continuing faith despite its challenges, the truth of self that I have to be strong in facing this, the truth of the bible that says what I'm doing is wrong. What makes me so emotional and so at war with myself is in itself my contradiction of feelings. Feelings that says I should hate him in all the horrid ways possible because he deserves it. After all that he did- shouting at people, treating them small, his greed, his disloyalty, his infidelities and betrayals, his lack of being a father (I'm not questioning his able to provide financially. Cause that, he gives us much more than we actually need. but other than that.... nothing more) and his selfishness.

I vowed to myself that I will never ever be like him. But with what I'm feeling and with what has happend, I feel like some effects of it are showing up and maybe I'm starting to evolve to be like him too. :(( No, not the infidelities, or the greed or anything else. But mostly maybe the selfishness. Maybe I'm selfish now. Selfish because the only bad guy here in the family now and who's against everything they're doing is me. Selfish because the only feelings put here on the line is mine and not anybody else's. They're all okay about it now I guess. But for me its so hard, I can't just revert back to normal just. like. that. It takes time, a lot of time actually, to find myself again and to be able to rise above these feelings and problems. I don't know. I feel so selfish always ranting about what I feel. I feel so selfish because I feel like every single time I talk about this stupid issue (The cycle, the contradiction of my feelings, my hiatus with God), I'm depriving people of their right- right to be happy. I don't want anyone to be affected with what I'm feeling really. I don't want anyone to be deprived of their own peace. This is why usually I always keep things to myself. But that didn't end up so good last time. So now, I'm trying my best to open up. And this is one way of opening up, blogging, writing and etc. It's so hard to boil up what you're feeling inside when on the contrary you're not even exactly sure where your feelings are going at the moment.

The feeling of searching, the feeling of wandering is all bottled up inside. The feeling of why's is caving in to me. Like, really. Why, why does this all have to happen again?

In the end, I just really truly just want peace. A friend of mine said that maybe at this point, I have to make peace with myself. Then I realized, yeah. maybe that is it. But how?

Accepting isn't that easy. Just because I'm having a really tough time accepting that this has to happen again. This is my life and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I get the temptations of feeling jealousy-- seeing some other people going through life like the roadblocks and dead ends never exist at all. Maybe their just good at concealing it. I don't know. But they just all look so problem-less. The reason why its so hard for me to accept the truth is that, this has happend not only once, twice thrice-- but more than that. And every single time, I feel crushed that it was all pretend--that it was all only temporary. How would you have the courage and sincerity to forgive someone who constantly hurt you? And every time I think about this question, I remember Jesus. How could he do it? We hurt him so many times every single day and yet in His eyes, we're still worthy, we're still His children, we still have hope. We continue to hurt him through our doings and yet He still gives enough grace for us, enough mercy, enough love.

It's just so hard. I'm so so sorry, God. :(
I don't want to fall right of the edge of this cliff. I'm seeking and taking refuge to your word once again

So at the end of it all and at the end of the day, it all boils down to our inner battle- a fight between what's wrong and what's right. The hardest part of it all is not the process of struggling and fighting. But rather it's what make out of it and the decision we have to make after that wounding battle. If we choose to overcome and triumph over it or to sulk in our downfalls, to be the conquerors of our battles or to be conquered in it, to emerge as victors or to be the victims of it.

Romans 5:1-11
Peace and Hope

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wet have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And wet boast in the hope of the glory of God.3 Not only so, but wet also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!10 For if, while we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Romans 8:18-39

Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope21 thatt the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose.29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."t

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Closer to the Edge

2011-09-06T00:09:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, I was listening to half of the message at church- online.
AND GUESS WHAT THE TOPIC IS!

It's about mastering your emotions regarding anger.
The message hasn't even started yet and I found myself crying.

Crying because after all that has been happening to me and my family these few weeks, I felt compelled by God to go back to Him. Because honestly, I stopped praying-- The kind of prayers that is sincere, the kind that sings of my sorrows and joy, the type of prayer He truly deserves. Having said that, I think my source of faith is depleting. Now, with us back at home and my mom and dad trying to resolve their issues together, I appear as the bad guy. For almost a week, I have given my dad the silent and cold treatment. And now I feel the inner conflict of self growing on me. I believe I have the right to get mad, to hate and loathe him, and spat all the kinds of curse and bad words at him. But at the end of it all, it all boils down to morality and faith. I've always thought how Christ really did it.

I know, I'm just human. I'm no God, I 'm no superwoman, I have no supernatural powers-- I'am just me. Maybe I haven't grown up to that level of spiritual maturity yet. Maybe I haven't received the ultimate enlightenment of all time (if that's what you may call it). But that does not mean I couldn't at least try. And believe me, I am. I'm really trying to forget, to forgive and to give my trust away again. But here's exactly the point where it gets hard. The fact that I'm going to go through it all over again, stepping into the hullabaloo of the cycle and giving a part of myself away again hurts me. I feel stupid continuing a cycle that does not benefit me in any way--instead it only gives me pain and sorrow. How would you really forgive someone who slashed out your heart so many times? How would you fully trust someone who only takes your trust for granted?

So now, I can honestly say I'm going back to the heart of worship.
I don't know what exactly His plan for my family, but I'm sure all is at his will.
All I ask for is the courage and strength for my family to be able to go through with this.
I want to be turned inside out.
I want to break free.
I want it to end.

The gray areas.

2011-08-15T17:56:00.004+08:00

I cried.

Just because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't really know what exactly to do. I hate being depressed- no scratch that just sounds too suicidal. -- sad. there. sad.

I hate reading the contents of my blog because it all just seems so sad, like I'm such an emo person who would cry herself to sleep. Which believe me, is the total opposite. I'm a VERY VERY HAPPY GIRL!.

But. I'm sorry I couldn't really shake of the negativity people. (or if anyone is even reading this) It's just that I feel so empty, its as if there is always something missing.

And that something missing is art.

Yes, the missing puzzle to all my dilemma right now is art.

(don't I just sound so cliche?)

(shallow?)

But the thing is I feel like giving up, like nothing is really working out RIGHT right now.

Family is messed up, cycle is starting again. I'm messed up. What's more to lose right?

1) So here, I'll start first with the family shiz.
Dad started it again. And I hate seeing my mom cry every time because of the pain he always inflicts on her, on our whole family. Why does he have to be so rash and impulsive in all of his decisions? Why does he always think first of himself? Why does he have to do such shameful acts? Isn't he ashamed of himself? .. I am ashamed for him. He let me down again-- again-- and again... and again.
I've put my heart out again, hoping for something, I gave a piece of it, and he returned it broken.(haha emo much?)

hmm. Questions? Did I lose my respect? maybe. But I'm trying not to. Will I still ever forgive him? maybe, there is always a chance. But as of now, I really do not know. Do I still have hope in him? Yes, but in a totally different perspective-- That the only way for him to change is for us to be out of the picture. So that he can get by on his own.

This is my theory. That God is starting on his Plan B for him. Plan A did not work-- obviously. He went back to his dirty scheming lying ways. But all I know right now is that God is at work. Whatever He wants to happen will happen.

Though the question remains, when will it ever end? Like really END. No more band-aid solutions, no more detours. Just a dead end. When will everything just be done? When will we have peace? When can we live experiencing a normal happy family? Sure, it's a fact! A given, nothing is ever perfect. But there are things that are still close to it somehow.

Right now, I wish for a pain reliever. (see I do sound emo hahaa!) Pain reliever mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually! All aspects!

2) So off to number 2. I couldn't really say this to anyone for that matter. I'm not much of a ranter to people. Okay maybe I am but nothing deep. More of the shallow, "Yeah, I'm tired." "Yuup, I know right, this sucks yadda yadda"

I don't want to because I don't really want to disturb them. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be another addition to their other pile of problems. I don't want to whine (Fine, I do, but only in writing.)

So there. Today, I feel really stupid for crying. After watching the Junior Masterchef. I KNOW. Err, Suddenly I just burst into tears. Yes, do you have that moment? Where in you just suddenly immediately feel your eyes swelling up? With no reason at all? Well, I just had that moment.

But after thinking about it. I realized why. HAHA. (Now I'm laughing, I'm emo. and I'm bipolar. great. no nah. I'm joking,) Anyway, I realized how completely jealous I am. REALLY REALLY jealous. Why? Because they are doing what they really love to do. They put their heart and soul into it. Every thing they set on that plate is their hearts, their hearts sent out to the world. They do everything with passion with happiness. And Believe me, I've been really thinking it over. I'm not a person who would easily give up. I'm a fighter-- at all cost. But lately, I just feel so discouraged, so out of the zone, so out of it. If there's one thing right now, I really want to do, is to get away. To escape. To just grab my pen and moleskine notebook, and just discover places. write. eat. draw.

I miss getting paint all over my clothes.
I miss getting paint all over my hands. I miss the pentel pen markers, my ball point pens, the cartoon characters that I draw, the shoes that I painted, doodling, paint brushes, sketchbook, an empty canvas, murdering my hands for drawing the whole day--everything. I miss everything. I cried because I realized that I'm still looking for something. I always comfort myself with the thought that one day after finishing my course (The totally unrelated course to what I really want- Hello Management of Applied Chemistry). I thought I already made it clear to myself, that after surviving this course (if i do in that case), I will go for my dream now. But seeing all art related books dusting away at my shelf, I cried. I cried because I lack the time to actually use them and start drawing. I cried when I saw my moleskine on the table --beside the radiating grueling doom of my chem book. I cried because I realized that no matter how I try to stay fit for this course, it still isn't enough. The sleepless nights, the endless practices I try to do, it still doesn't seem to match up with the results I get from the tests. It's not like I don't study. Like i said.."SLEEPLESS NIGHTS"

I just really want to pass, to get a good score, go jta, travel the world, draw, experience life.

To live instead of existing.
To do instead of just believing.
To act instead of just waiting.

I'm one heck of a dreamer. I want to do great things. But where will I exactly start?

All I can think about right now is my means of surviving college.
How I'm going to ace a test (pleasepleasepleaseplease) or compose a succinct and concrete essay.
How I'm going to be a good leader, example, a block rep for my colleagues. (colleagues? GAH haha I sound old.)
How I'm STILL not giving up. (I'm a complex person am I? I have a huge desperation to quickly pursue a degree in art but at the same time, my wanting to stay still at my course (?) and do my best to graduate with it!)

kasdfkjs.
Life.

Just need two things right now, guidance and assurance.

I'm going to try and continue doing my part, God.
Everything else, is on you.

Today I don't feel like doing anything.

2011-08-06T15:03:00.003+08:00

Yes, I just wanna lay in my bed.

and sleeep all day. and do nothing!

BUT NO CAN DO! Midterms season is coming up! Requirements are piling up too!
welcome to college life.

Haven't started anything and it's 2:50 pm already. Not to mention I haven't eaten anything too. And nope, I'm not trying to starve myself. I'm not even in a diet. I'm just not in the mood to eat yet. Been searching recipes online, just because I feel like making my own food today or maybe I got too obsessed watching those cooking shows (haha masterchef australia and hell's kitchen). I'm a desperate baker/cooker. hihi. I just love food. Anyway, I might make Baked Garlic Potato Wedges, been looking through her blog for a long time and she never fails to make me drool over her yummy recipes. And a Chocolate Mug Cake for dessert. YAY. Despite feeling lazy today, I want to be productive.

TTDT (things to do today):
-bake! cook!:>
-study chem quiz for monday
-midterms for lab! advance.
-pre-lab paper* IF sir replies and says we shall submit on tuesday
- read eng11 article and do the worksheet
- do eng 11 feature article essay on a person
- GIFT FOR DADDYKINS! (still deciding!)

future must recipes to try:
Bread Paneer Rolls
sorry--> i'm a sucker for chocolates. :) Molten Chocolate Lava Cake
Double corn and mint risotto risotto=<3
Oreo Memories (I LOVE YOU OREOES!)

k. bye. :)

The woes of a college student

2011-07-28T21:24:00.004+08:00

ALL I CAN SAY FOR NOW IS THAT.

I MUST NOT GIVE UP.

bv math lt. bawi :)

Reaping what you sow.

2011-07-25T14:35:00.002+08:00

College is hard. It's a given. It might as well be a fact. I always thought of this for a while, but I never really got to absorb it fully. Not until now when I'm actually in the situation and is experiencing everything first hand.

Maybe I'm just unfortunate, unlucky or maybe... I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm not bringing my best efforts to the table. Maybe I'm just complicating things for myself. I'm being paranoid or I'm expecting too much for myself. Maybe this is just a rough start, an adjustment period? A rough run? A trial? A testing?

Nevertheless. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a quicksand, trying to pull myself up, saving myself from drowning in this nonsense. I really really really don't want to be a pessimistic ranter forever, even though I know I can't help it. Still, optimism, to you I won't cease trying.

I hate wallowing and forever gluing myself into a situation that well, I shouldn't problem in the first place. But sometimes, I just can't help it. Lately, my grades aren't what I'm exactly hoping for. Sometimes I think my grades should give justice as to how hard I studied or as to how much efforts I exerted into it. Aren't these two supposed to be directly proportional to each other?

OOOR. Maybe, the real question here is, the quality of efforts I put in, or quality of studying I have. Do I just study for the sake of acing the test and getting everything done?

yes, fine I AM. But I think now that I realized it, I think I need a shift in perspective. Really. I know most of the reasons in studying is for mainly reaching the passing mark, passing the course. But in contrast, I think it would be better if one perceive it in such a way that it doesn't look forced. If you get what I mean. I can't really explain, but looking at it as some motivation to make one better, not only academically, but something holistic in nature. I don't want to graduate one sided. I want to achieve much more than that. I want to show the world that I still have something worthy to be emulated.

Since I'm having a change in perspective, I think no. not think. I will now have a change in action. No more procrastination ( I will try my hardest), No more distractions, No more idling, just intense focus on studying. I will get my priorities straight. This time, I don't want to be the seeker anymore, I want to be the doer. I've sought the things I need to do? I need to accomplish? And now to finish all that off, I'm going to need some action. I won't anymore be stuck in my old chapter (high school). This is it right here. College as we know it. Carpe diem! Seize the day. I'm stepping my game up! :) Starting, right, now. AHHHHHH. :)

Also! I vow to really commit to my daily quiet time now. Sorry God,:( yes even though I've been attending d groups and trying to pray now and then, it still isn't quite enough. I'm always in a rush. I owe you big. Because lately without your guidance, I know I'm slowly going astray.

so. let's. do. this. thing.
haha!

Plugging in

2011-04-25T14:45:00.003+08:00

I've spent all my life trying to find myself.

But now I'm glad to say that I can stop running. Running from the truth, hope and faith that I usually doubt on. I can finally rest my feet, because I know I'm standing on a solid ground.

Why?

Because I'm redeemed. I'm saved. And most of all, I'm loved by the one most powerful being of all-- GOD.

:)

Today is a happy resurrection sunday for everyone. :)

We have overcome, because HE is risen. :) And forever will be.

At the cross

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my ways
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the earth fades
falls from my eyes
You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

HELLO

2011-04-14T22:16:00.004+08:00

haven't been blogging.

switched to tumblr. But then I figured, this is the only blog that is pretty much more "private" for me. So I'M BACK.

Just got back from the ALL IN camp from our church, and let me just say, IT WAS AWESOME!:) I'm happy that I got baptized:)

Yesterday, I had a fight with my dad. I was crying my heart out. And who can I run to? No one. Except God. I texted my best friends yesterday, but i only felt neglected. Only one replied, and when I texted back, she didn't anymore.

but as our pastor in our church says. LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST. So that's what I'm believing right now, that's why I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the message was not sent? maybe they did not receive it, maybe they have no load. I don't know. :( I just miss my sisters.

Back to the fight. I realized so many things. It's so sad that things are just revolving around one thing--money. MONEY MONEY MONEY. It's true though that at some point money can control people. But money can't give one little bit of true happiness to anybody. I'm disappointed that this is the kind of world we live in. But what I'm even more disappointed at is the fact that a person in my family is like that, my dad. And even though I'm thankful that he changed compared to his even worse attitudes before, I can't help but feel really awful when he acts like his old self before.

Sometimes I feel so alone. so small. so finite.
like one big giant speckle of nothing.

What is happening to the world? :(

Thank God for hope. And most of all thank God for love.
Amidst everything that is happening right now, I'm happy that God somehow reveals himself to me through people. I read a text message sent to me yesterday. That God is not finished with my daddy yet. And I really hope he isn't. I know my dad still has so much to offer to the world, it's just that he is just blinded by the norm of the world. I still pray for Him.

I also pray for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll know the decision of my course. :( in admu. If i do get the slot or not. Where am I really going God? Where are you planting me? Because I'm honestly scared, scared in terms of where my path really is headed. Do i go for what i want or what they want?

COMPASS!

2011-01-04T23:32:00.003+08:00

11:46pm

We just went home from Seattle, Washington last night. And I'm tired. But i'm still going to school tomorrow. :)

Today, i just checked out the results for UP. And hehe, i did not pass. :) But all is well. Because i know there are a lot of people much more deserving than me and wants that university badly than i do. :)

I'm happy though. :) Since my prayers have been answered. :) 3 of my lovely best friends are going to their dream university. :> HURRAAAAAAH.

Well, in other college news.

I passed DLSU though. (thank you Ju, and kristina for checking haha).

Thank you Lord. :)

The college that i wanted to go to ever since before. I can get

my advertising course! YIPEE. My prayers have indeed been answered. :) I'm thankful. really. :)

But my recent trip to Seattle changed my mind. My wanting to go to that University became... let's say.. less. :)

So where am I going now? I don't know yet.

But I'm really hoping that my new prayer request will be answered. :)

I really really would like to get into ADMU now.

If I was given a choice, I think I would pick that university. ----> yes, I hope for a miracle. --->

Why admu?

-for my family. (MAY 2011 plans.)

-for my friends. ( UP + ADMU? = very very close proximity.)

-for my future. (haha COMTECHH! YAY)

-and yes! close proximity to my lovely home too!

I know I really can't do anything.

My worrying and negativity won't solve any of my problems.

I can just only hope and trust Him and His decision, on where

I'm best to be planted, where I'm best blessed and best blessed to grow and serve others. :)

So toast to the new year with my new prayer LIST!

+ daddy's restoration evolution.

For him to be able to further more improve on his attitude.

(his attitude during our L.A.-seattle trip is disappointing. hmm. not disappointing, i think HURTFUL is far more appropriate.) His promise for coming back to this family last may/june 2009 was to be a good father. I know change takes time. And I know that he is still under maintenance and still under construction of God's grace and molding hands. But I just hope

that this 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 time around, daddy won't disappoint me again.)

+ Ian

beko says we need to pray for his optimism.

so yes.

+ ADMU

free fallin' and breaking even.

2010-10-09T13:49:00.003+08:00

THANK you GOD.
Thank you EAT.PRAY.LOVE.
Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert.
Thank you Julia Roberts.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I feel so free now. After months and yep months of experiencing some conflicted feelings, i finally was able to let go of it and I'M HAPPY.

Yesterday while watching eat, pray, love, i had an epiphany. I wondered why I'm spending some of my time thinking about that thought (or perhaps in the context of feeling if ever there was) over and over again.

Some months and months ago, God blessed me to have this wonderful friend. I was indeed happy that we did share a lot of commonalities, interests and dreams. I could tell and rant about everything and anything to that person. We would talk everyday and i guess got to know each other well enough. I never did thought of any possibility that perhaps there could be more than what we had because i was already happy of what we had, friendship. And I do value that. But after months of talking, there was a confession. It was awkward for me at first but i was glad that things got back to normal nevertheless. I think too he tried to make it not as awkward as possible and i'm thankful for that. :)

There was this point though, when we stopped communicating. And i thought to myself, well it's okay, i absolutely have no problem with that. But then again, i had this feeling deep in my gut that i miss it, the communication. You see, when someone talks to you everyday without a miss, it becomes your everyday routine or habit. So, i asked myself WHY i miss it, is there any reason besides that it is already a part of my day, like if i had some feelings or something. But as always, i just shrug my shoulders and say i don't think so. Maybe i just don't want to accept the truth that there COULD be (again I'm not saying there is, but there is a possibility). And just like that, I was conflicted if there exists something more. I can't completely say if i do or do not have feelings because all i know is that i don't know. Or maybe i really did have? HMM. HAHAA. sigh.

In the movie, when Gilbert's Brazilian lover asked her if she loves or does not love him, and she just said that she doesn't know. AND AHA. I can sympathize with her. (though, in my case it didn't reach that level yet haha, i'm just figuring it out first). It's all mere confusion.

SOOOOO that leads me now to my epiphany.
I slept at 2am last night thinking it over, and asking God if i really did made up my mind. And I'm glad He answered my prayers. Because now, it is all completely clear and I'm finally a freed captive of my conflicted feelings.

I realized that i did not have any of those feelings after all. I do not want to be part of the world he surrounds himself with. After thinking sometime, we are just too different. So there's no more possibility of crossing over. :) I accepted him for who he is though. And I appreciate it. Though, there are some things he does i don't completely agree on, and that-- i know is wrong. And I still saw past that and hope that there still exists that lasting goodness. Because i really do believe that everyone has that, it just gets tainted because of the demands and pleasures of the world. So in everyone i meet, i always try to see the goodness they have in them. And, that's what exactly i did. I clung to the hope that the innocence and goodness in him overpowered everything else.. that it still prevailed. And so maybe it did.

until lately, he did change. And its sad that i can't anymore try to be open and see past those not so good stuff. Yeah, i know we are all different. And i don't mean to offend anyone at all, its just that i think i pressure myself too much in being too optimistic in hoping that there is something else and more. And like what Elizabeth Gilbert says, she's been a victim of her own optimism. That is exactly what happened to me too. So, YAY I'm not the only one in the world who has this kind of perspective. haha. :)

Well, we can't control anybody. And change is acceptable because it's inevitable. But i don't think its an excuse to abandon who you really are as a person. But as hard as it sometimes feel, all we have really is hope. So I'm glad that my heart and mind is already put at rest and I'm happy that somehow despite everything, i still have that valued and respected friendship. :)

And so as for the rest and the next days of my life? I leave it all up to God. He will write me the best love story of my life. So for now, all i'll have to do-- is wait.
:)

because miracles DO happen.
♥

where is the LOVE?

2010-06-19T20:48:00.004+08:00

image from thingsweforget.blogspot.com:)

I think it's a tough tough thing to find love. To love and Be loved.
Love doesn't necesarrily only pertains to the usual perception that it's just all about those loveydovey boyfriend stuff. Love's extent is more than that. So scrap those thoughts.

And with all the drama experiencing by my family now, it involves that issue. How do we really show our love? I mean like me, I'm not really that type of being mushy and all. I show my love by just doing all means to make the person I love the most happy. I know I'm doing my part if i'm giving my best, my heart, my everything to that person. I don't think that 3 words 8 letters is the only way to affirm that feeling.

So anyway, it just saddens me. Failed family relationships. I don't understand. Even if I'm not that type of mushy person (like i said), I always find away STILL to show them that I love them so at least even if I don't say out loud those 3 words 8 letters, the person KNOWS.. AT the very LEAST.

How can you not show love? It's just impossible. Humankind is destined to love and be loved. God gave all of us that wonderful gift.. that capacity to be able to CARE. It is something already innate in all of us. What's so hard in showing just THAT?

So in the issue of my cousin and her mother, how the whole cycle of the give and take of love is hazy...

I really hope they resolve their issues. Both sides should give way to each other. It'll take time to heal and to ease the pain... I know, but there should at least be effort to mend the broken relationship and glue the shattered pieces of the heart.

IF only I could tell my auntie this:
(name insert here), I hope talaga na bigyan mo din ng chance ang sarili mo. There's nothing wrong in trying in reaching out. And iyong gusto mo mangyari na maayos na lahat AGAD sobrang impossible iyon. Paano magiging OKAY ang lahat if you don't do your part as the mom?:( If you don't first reach out to your son? If you don't respond? Paano matatapos ang problema kung palaging okay lang okay na sige tingnan nalang natin kung anong mayayari? kung if you continue the bahala na attitude? FACE IT nalang dapat. Wala naman talaga pang hero na magsasave sa relationship niyo kung di rin ikaw, actually sa buong family ninyo..Nothing will happen unless you MAKE something happen. Hindi ko maiintindihan, the same way na pinagsabihan mo si dad? about the whole changing process, the same way na sinabi mo sa amin na it takes time.. bakit hindi mo rin iyon magawa kay (cousin's name insert here). He needs some space, some time to asses kung ano nafefeel niya. For 18 years, He didn't really grow up with you. And now na bigla your trying to mend everything yes its correct at least your trying pero ang weird kasi parang minamadali mo eh:( tapos parang ang tigas mo pa din kung minsan. Kung di mo din mapapafeel sa kanya na love mo siya that you care for him, how will he know? You know naman na hurt na siya and nagtatampo na siya. He just need that love that solace that HOME to always go back to. And dahil hindi nga nya nafeel sayo, nahanap niya kay mom ko. Sa mommy ko, and now na depress nga siya and all, dinideprive niyo naman. Dapat give and take lang:) God has a reason why siguro nagaminan na lahat. Its in your hands din naman the decision kung what you want to do with the whole issue thing. It's hard to accept I know, your hurt, pero face the truth. I hope kahit di ka rin mushy like me, kaya mo naman siya i-hug eh, or at least makamusta so kahit papano, he FEELS your existence as HIS mom.
:) diba? It's impossible na you won't know how to LOVE, and how to SHOW IT. maybe you just don't have the courage to do it? Or maybe I don't know you have the humility that you are wrong too?:( Ang sakit tanggapin lahat pero dapat hindi lang dapat iyak at katigasan ang response eh. I know you KNOW what's right to DO. Pero why di mo nalang magawa?:( You said you love him, then do your part and make him feel na HE IS LOVED. He is YOUR son anyway db? God teaches us to love like Christ love us. Kahit gaano pa kahirap. Look nalang at 1 corinthians 13. :) I hope (auntie's name here) God will guide you through pa din. And hope na maaccept mo lahat and change din for the better. Di mo rin pwede lagay sarili mo, lahat ng isang tao sa isang box lang. Hindi kayo makakagrow. :(
-message ends here-

UGGH. How sad, I don't know how to comfort my cousin anymore. He is in one tough stage of depression. He once said He wants a home but he can't find any. :( He's lost.

So it just boils down to this,
"stay in good terms with each other, held together by love." HEBREWS 13:1

Where's THE LIMIT?

2010-05-15T23:46:00.002+08:00

FINALLLLLY. After one and a half hour trying to fix the annoying internet, the page finally loaded. THANK YOUU. The internet is getting kinda crappy these days. It starting on its mood swings. tsktsk.

alright. Here's what I realized: After going out of the house yesterday at weee hours of the morning, I went home late. Suffice to say, as much as felt so tired and worn out I still couldn't fall asleep immediately. I ended up either staring at the ceiling or trying to watch the movie on HBO, which was P2 (i never liked that movie EVER.)This is precisely why today I'm so tired. Oh no no no, not only the "oh i feel so tired" blahblah BUT REALLY TIRED. My eyes are getting droopy, my mind is not functioning well, my body just lost its coordination, my stomach getting weird which made me not eat anything much for the whole day. (half a burger, auntie annes and just rice & fish--> not my normal meals for THE WHOLE DAY. :( )

Tired, because last night I was able to go to a comedy bar FIRST TIME EVER. I was afraid they wouldn't let me in because I'm not even legal yet (YETTT. :> in a few weeks or so I will--> which by the way scares me and excites me at the same time). But, turns out they let me in. So okay. haha.

SO. Here's my comments on going to a comedy bar

NUMBER ONE.
Here's what I realized, if you don't want them to tease you (oh mind you, yes obviously its a comedy bar, so what do you expect? GAY people, which only means HEAVY TEASING and GREEN mind machines.. I know I know, not all gay people are like that BUT since we're talking about a comedy bar here HELLO go figure.. haha)
So in short if you don't want to be heavily teased? Don't ever sit in front. It's a HEAVY WARNING.

NUMBER TWO.
Seriously, I think staying there for that whole duration of 3 hours made me second guess my life span dream of living here on earth until I reach the age of 95. I bet in 10 years or so I will officially get lung cancer due to heavy second hand smoking. I'm so annoyed. But HAHA, hello, what can I do I just entered a bar . OBVIOUSLY HAHAAA.

I've always hated cigarette smoking. No thank you, I never tried, I don't want to try and nope I don't even plan to. I don't get why people waste their savings buying those useless stick of junk. Not to mention, DEADLY. Every cigarette stick you use lessens an hour of your life man. (well at least that's how I put it) But yeah. I do hate it. So for the whole duration of the comedy acts, all i can inhale was THAT filthy air. So yes, I went home with my hair and my clothes smelling like ack.. THAT. :| I had to do my soaping routines five times to reassure myself that the smell's gone.

NUMBER THREE.
Comedy Bar. Yes, no doubt. The acts WERE funny, really they were. I was laughing hysterically. BUT, not for all. I think some of the jokes they have were too harsh. In one part of the act, they selected 3 men from the audience and asked them to go up on stage. The third man that they asked really receives my pity. By far really, he was the most pityful of them all. The gay guys and a GIRL comedian was teasing him harshly of his looks, of his profession (yeah.. because they interviewed and asked questions to each person who's up the stage). And I can't believe the people were laughing so hard as if they are agreeing to all the jokes that's been said to the poor guy.

Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. In all honesty, I did laugh. But like I said, not all. :(

NUMBER FOUR.
I didn't understand 70% of what they were saying last night. For the record, most of their jokes are heavy green. OH MY POOR MIND. It wasn't able to register the things that they were saying. Most of what they were laughing about, I really didn't understand. And no thanks, by the looks of it, I DON'T WANNA KNOW. My mind is just polluted enough. I need a new mind filtering system. Don't worry, I chose to forget what they have just said or joked about last night.

NUMBER FIVE.
Here's what I really DON'T get. Don't the comedians up there have ever respect for themselves and the people (yesss it's their job.. but STILL.. VALUES PRINCIPLES STILL APPLIES DUDE.) For the heavy jokes they dropeed or the unaccpetables acts they have just shown, I just wonder if they still have the conscience to hopefully counteract their actions. And don't they have any other words to say other that saying the word PI, the f word and the g word?

NUMBER SIX.
For some acts, I literally covered my eyes. No, nothing THAT serious or anything.
But for the props and the actions that they were doing, NO THANKS.
I didn't see anything.
And I chose to not see anything at all.

NUMBER SEVEN.
The only that I liked though were the subtle jokes of the one comedian "pooh" and the other foxy lady's act of impersonating beyonce. In those parts, I was laughing out LOUD.

NUMBER EIGHT.
BOTTLED WATER ONLY THANK YOU.:)
Though, i had a sip of vodka since mom let me taste it.
I'd rather let my mom be the one introducting these stuff to me other than some people. haha

NUMBER NINE.
I don't know if I'm ever going back to those kinds of bars again.
Unless
a) i do want my life span to be shortend
and
b) get some green machine penetrate into my poor innocent brain. (HAHA)

NUMBER TEN.
But hey, I'm still thankful (despite my bitter complains and comments) that i got to experience it-- even at least once. Once is enough? :)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

oh wait:) before I sign off, the pictures up there that you see was found at this AMAZING blog site where he makes all these inspiring cute post-its and uploads it. These post-its as he says, "left to their place in public faces."

check out the blog: thingsweforget.blogspot.com

I absolutely love his idea. It's like leaving an act of random kindness every time. :)

awesome.

that's all for today.
peace&love.
:)

BREATHING UNDERWATER

2010-04-26T20:36:00.004+08:00

"cause the enemy has been defeated, and death couldn't hold you down...
shout unto God with the voice of triumph
shout unto God with the voice of praise
shout unto God with the voice of triumph
we lift your name up, we lift your name up."

Bye bye April, hello month of may.
Well, in about five days anyway. :)

I cannot really say I'm quite excited for the coming days of may. I'm in a sad mood because we are not pushing through with our plans to go to Seattle anymore, to see my lovely aunt walk down the aisle on her special day ever. I won't be able to have a ultimate bond with my cousin too. I miss them all just too much. I guess it's not really in His time and plan. Originally, the decision was no. We weren't supposed to go in the first place. But then my ama goes and meets with father, father gets convinced, father says yes. Thus, makes all of us go jumping for joy. THEN BAAAAM, pooof poof poof, decision plan pops immediately when father and mother finds out through the agency they talked to that it's unpractical for us to go since my youngest twin brothers' passports are going to expire this year, this only meant that applying for an U.S. visa will be harder (WELL, that's what they said). All of our visas are expired and if we were to renew, they might give us only a month duration to stay there since they'll see two of our family members will get their passports expired by the month of December this year of 2010. SO MUCH FOR THE PLAN. :( BUT, dad said we might go December instead. After first all the passports are renewed then off to the application of the U.S. visas.

NEVERTHELESS, I have been really thinking a lot why. As, cliche as it sounds, everything has its own reasons. So, I've been doing a lot pondering lately on why exactly does He wants us to stay here for May. I mean, sure there's the preparation for my debut birthday. (WELL, that's another *cough cough* interesting story to tell. :S) But, aside from that (which i don't really care that much anyway because in the first place i really did not want to have one anyway) i couldn't still exactly decipher the big puzzle he laid out to me..i mean WHY. Until it finally dawned on me yesterday when we went out with my angkong and ama, my cousin surprised me by telling me that her mom-slash-my aunt already paid for an all expense retreat for my whole family. YUUUP, the whole 7 of us PLUS 1 (she even paid extra for our helper). My aunt knows how i love retreats. Well, go figure because i never attended a single one. Hence, which explains I want to go to a retreat that bad. I wasn't able to attend a single one because my parents simply just says no. I'm not exactly sure why, i feel like they don't trust me. They say all these reasons but it doesn't make that much sense to me. One mainly i don't get it since those retreats i wanted to go to before ARE camps from OUR CHURCH. And besides, I really really really want to be baptized already (I'm a protestant and mom said i was baptized under the catholic way but i was never one, i practiced protestantism ever since). And now yes, I'm very very exuberant about this and my heart is just about to do a 360 degrees flip UNTIL my mom told me she haven't told my dad anything about it yet. You see, my dad isn't really a fan of following schedules of other people (yes yes, especially this is a family retreat we are talking about). He doesn't want to live on others' time table or he'll feel like he'll be in jail or something. No, I'm not exaggerating I already heard that before. So on the flip side of my heart jumping for joy, I'm worried on how my dad's going to take the news of the whole retreat thing. I just wonder what reaction he'll show. And who's going to break the news for him? I DON'T KNOW. I just really hope he won't take it badly as he usually does before. I think THIS might just be the reason why He, my wonderful Father up there, wants my family to stay here. Oh, I'm sure I'll be there on that retreat (yes, with my mom and my four other siblings and oh yes with the helper too haha), but oh please I really pray that my dad would come too. Pastor Peter Tan-chi will be there to cover the event and do all his wonderful inspiring speeches, and hopefully the baptism part will be done too. It will be a life-changing moment. I know it. My other auntie and her family will be there too. My other cousin and his family will be there too. Our rooms I found out are probably near each other too. AND the retreat will be held on a beach!Oh, How wonderful. I love beaches. I wonder if there's a dawn watch or something. I'm already thinking of walking along the shoreline alone and share my footsteps with Him while in solitude prayer. :)

This is a good thing. WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.:)
It's an auspicious sign from Him.
MAYBE, just maybe this might just change EVERYTHING. :)
STILL, I hope my dad will be able to attend. (without fuss, without complains, and without his grumpy mood on, the only thing he'll be bringing is his faith and open heart.)

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currently 10:55 PM (a couple more minutes until my mom starts shouting at me for sleeping late. OH NO), I'm supposed to be reviewing integrated science and biology right now for college review stuff. OH SHOCKS. I should stop ranting and start reading.