You know OF him, but did you really KNOW him? Because obviously Google doesn’t…

That pic is NOT Doug Whaley

So go ahead, read this and you can impress your friend(s)…

Name: Doug Whaley

High School: Upper St. Clair (Pittsburgh, PA)

Classic.

Whaley was a star running back and linebacker in High School and put a whipping on Kerry Collins en route to winning a Western Pennsylvania High School Football Championship:

Here are some impressive stats:

“Whaley was superb in the postseason, and had back-to-back 300-yard rushing games in the first two rounds of the WPIAL playoffs against Butler and Hempfield. Upper St. Clair crushed North Hills, 38-14, in the WPIAL title game at Three Rivers Stadium.” –From Pittsburgh Post Gazette

College: Pitt

Birthday: From this article I have deduced that it is sometime in late December. And I have confirmed he was born in 1972.

#1 Song in America That Day: Likely “Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul. This was the #1 song from December 16th, 1972 through January 5th, 1973,

So interestingly enough, the Bills decided to start a “Meet _________” column with pretty graphics and everything. Thank you Buffalo Bills you saved me a lot of time. I’m going to take all the great info you gave me on Doug Whaley and break it on down:

Barbecue…Excellent choice. I also enjoy barbecue and all forms of it–which is surprising since a real pig lives in my house:

Homeland…I too enjoy Homeland. Although since it was built up so much, I really tried to resist watching it as much as I could. Then I had a bunch of cross country flights coming up, broke down, watched it and liked it. The guy in seat next to me liked it too because unbeknownst to me there is a lot more nudity in Homeland than I anticipated. He really was getting a good look and after that it was quite an uncomfortable 3 hour flight.

 

The Bible…I hope THIS came up at confession.

Your Birthday…Good for you. I have learned to dislike my birthday. Largely because more often than not, the Bills lose on my birthday weekend and horribly disappoint me.

Fall…Excellent. Football is in the Fall. Football is good.

Ipad…Of course. What else was he supposed to say? 3D Printer? Why would he even need one of those?

Safari…It better have been a real Safari and not just the Safari Ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Because I’ve been on that ride… and Wilson, Simba One and I have rescued Little Red roughly 240 times. Want to go for #241? Watch this…

His dog..Good answer, because if he said “A Pegasus”, I’d be concerned.

Construction…Very good, now go build us a Super Bowl Champion!

Hip Hop – Classic…Like at the Same Time? Does he mean like Girl Talk? Listen and decide for yourself:

The Bills Mobile App…Yeah, right. Well at least we know he’s a good liar.

Synopsis: 

I’m excited about Whaley as GM. In just a few years, the Bills went from the oldest front office in the NFL to the youngest. Whaley has fresh ideas, passion for the game, and he’s hungry to build a winner. As Barry Switzer once said, “We got a job to do and we’re going to do it, BABY!”

First,  Rick Reilly–a HIGHLY paid sportswriter–wrote this gem:

QB or not QB
That is the question.
Who should the Jets start?
Who should the Jets shun?

Dealt a hand of 5
None of them a king
They have to find one
Can we re-deal this thing?

They cut Tim Tebow
A big deletion
20 mag covers
6 completions

(Tim was just voted
“Most Influential”
Whoever they asked
Must be demential)

This goes on for 12 more stanzas. Did I mention Rick Reilly gets paid MILLIONS a year by ESPN?

Then Marv Levy did an interview with the Bills Mafia’s Del in which he talked about the book of poetry that he is writing:

Marv’s 110 pages into a new book about poetry

— Del Reid (@mrdeadlier) May 13, 2013

So when I heard Buddy Nix “stepped aside” today, I thought it would be fitting to honor him with a few poems of my own:

First, a Haiku:

He had to do it,
Total roster turnover.
Please win football games.

A nonsensical Rick Reilly style rhymer:

Today Buddy Nix,
Left his throne,
But everyone will remember,
He got tricked on the phone.

He told the guy from Tampa,
He couldn’t afford Fitz,
But don’t we all agree,
That Ryan played like Shitz?

So give the man a break,
He was just trying to make a call.
And it got us a shiny new QB,
Who is big, strong, and tall.

 And finally a Limerick:

There once was a man named Buddy,
Whose 1st round picks were called nutty.
I say his picks were bold,
And I hope that they are gold,
Because I’ve had enough of the Bills being cruddy.

Bye Bye Buddy. I AM going to miss you:

 EJ Manuel trying on a helmet without a facemask while wearing a winter coat?

-OR-

This guy trying on a roller coaster simulator helmet?

Roller Coaster Guy is amusing for sure, but I am voting for EJ.  Because if you ask me a question and EJ Manuel is one of the answers–I will always answer “EJ”.

Random person: “Hey, Mike!”

Me: “Hey”

Random person: “Who’s tougher?  EJ Manuel or a Lion?

Me: “EJ Manuel”

I can do this because it is the offseason and I am optimistic about the Bills and right now NO ONE can take that from me.

As far as EJ sticking with this look all season, that information is currently unconfirmed by the team–so I’m not really sure. But for EJ’s sake I hope he doesn’t go without one because he would be likely to get his face caved in by the time Training Camp breaks. And then Todd McShay will be  proven right and nobody wants that.

So let’s get EJ a facemask, they have a whole cabinet of them right there…

Some rumors turn out to be true, some rumors turn out to be garbage…

but rumors are always abound in Buffalo.

I’m not talking about personal rumors about players or coaches. Those are no good and off limits.

But if there are rumors about the future of the team, possible player signings or trades, or anything else relevant and interesting–they’ll be posted here on the Rumor Monger page.

And if you have a hot rumor of your own that you want to share, send it to TKIGRumorMonger@gmail.com

Rumor Monger Roundup

* In December 2012, Ralph Wilson taped a secret video message at One Bills Drive that is only to be played upon his passing. In the tape, Ralph reveals his plan for the future of the Buffalo Bills. His plan will involve an ownership group with Jim Kelly at the helm.

* This ownership group may also include Thurman Thomas and/or Donald Trump.

* A waterfront site for a new domed downtown stadium has already been chosen and approved. This future football stadium is a driving force behind the new Pegula development.

Send tips and rumors to TKIGRumorMonger@gmail.com

Debunked!

* LB Karlos Dansby is signed and it just needs to be announced (Signed with Cardinals)

YUM

(I do not count the Darwin Walker trade because he never reported.)

But who exactly did we trade for?

Full Name: Jerry Hughes, Jr.

Height: 6-2

Weight: 254

Born: Sugar Land, Texas

High School: Austin High School (Fort Bend County, Texas)

Hughes was a Running Back, Kick Returner, Baseball Third Baseman and Pitcher in high school.

Austin Bulldogs Helmet:

College: Texas Christian

College Awards:

2009 Ted Hendricks Award–Nation’s best DE

2009 Lott Award–Defensive IMPACT Player of the Year

Birthday: August 13, 1988. The #1 song in America that day–Roll With It by Steve Winwood.

Puke.

Drafted: 1st round of 2010 draft (31st Overall) by the Indianapolis Colts

Why did he get drafted in the 1st Round: Plays like this is why

Twitter: No

Married: No

Can he conduct a good interview: Yes

Can he host a good interview: Yes?

Uh-Oh!: 2011

Synopsis: 

Hughes has the skills and there’s one guy I’m putting my trust into here–Mike Pettine. Anyone that can turn Aaron Maybin into a serviceable NFL player deserves the benefit of the doubt that he can do it again.

Go Bills!

Height: 6-5

Weight: 237

Born: Virginia Beach, VA

High School: Virginia Beach Bayside Marlins

College: Florida State

Wonderlic score: 28/50  Not bad. Tied for 3rd among 2013 QBs (Nassib 41, Barkley 30, Jones 28)

Birthday: March 19, 1990. The #1 song in America that day–Escapade by Janet Jackson.

This song makes me feel old. Not Buddy Nix or Ralph old, but old

Twitter: @EJManuel3

5,000+ tweets. He seems to grasp the medium.

Hobbies:

Watching movies on TV, playing Xbox. (Tweeting)

Any links to Buffalo Bills Legends?

Bruce Smith may or may not be EJ’s Godfather. I say this because EJ said that his father and Bruce were acquaintances. EJ also said he remembers meeting Bruce as a kid. He didn’t come right out and say that Bruce was his Godfather.

Something doesn’t exactly jive here, but it’s a nice story (even if untrue) so I’ll perpetuate the myth.

I found this incredible Bruce Smith Oil paining on ebay for only $370

Has he been to any of our “signature restaurants”? 

Of course he hasn’t, he just got here. Dumb question.

Is personal information on EJ incredibly hard to come by?

Yes, so let’s check Youtube

Is he good at throwing a football through lighted rings? You’re gaddum right he is…

Is there an EJ Manuel video that will make you want to run through a brick wall: Of course there is…

If you didn’t make it all the way through the brick wall, try this one:

Does Todd McShay like the pick?

Does Charley Casserly like it?

Nope, but what does that old Muppet know anyway.

My apologies to the Muppet Newsman who has much better wig than Charley Casserly

Synopsis: I finally have a new use for my #3 John Potter jersey, AND…

the Buffalo Bills finally have a star-caliber QB!

EJ Manuel is going to become the greatest NFL QB of all time and I’m sure of it because I am a Bills fan and these are the things that us Bills Fans think and say in April.

Super Bowl Bound!

I CANNOT wait for the 2013 Season to start.

I’ll let Ryan at Queen City Sports break down Branch’s on the field track record, because I want to know who this guy REALLY is and what makes him tick. So I once again did some internets research and this is what I found:

Full Name: Alan Keith Branch

Height: 6-6

Weight: 325

Born: Rio Rancho, New Mexico

High School: Albuquerque Cibola High School

Branch returned FIVE punts for TDs in High School

Cibola Cougars Helmet:

College: University of Michigan

Drafted: 2nd round of 2007 draft (33rd Overall) by the Arizona Cardinals

In 2007, Branch was drafted 1 spot ahead of Paul Posluszny, 3 spots ahead of Kevin Kolb, and 184 spots ahead of Tyler Thigpen:

Former Backup Bills QB Tyler Thigpen

Birthday: December 29, 1984. The #1 song in America that day–Like A Virgin by Madonna.

WAY back when she was still “shiny and new”

Twitter: No

Dance Champion: Yes!

Can he ride a Bucking Bronco?: YOUR’E GODDAMN RIGHT HE CAN!

(Or at least I think that’s him)

Favorite food: In a 2006 article Branch said, “Every single food is my favorite food.” 

Wife: Ashley

They went to high school together. Awwwwwwww.

Kids: One on the way

Synopsis: Depth is good. Experienced depth is better. 3-4, 4-3, 5,6,7,8, it doesn’t matter–he is big AND he is experienced. And he likes food so he will do well here.

Welcome to Buffalo, Alan Branch. And if you ever want to tackle the Elma Towne Grille burger challenge with me… just let me know:

I’ll let some other “expert” break down his completion percentage and yards per attempt statistics, I want to know who this guy REALLY is and what makes him tick. So I did some internets research and this is what I found:

Full Name: Kevin Benjamin Kolb

Height: 6-3

Weight: 218

Born: Victoria, Texas

High School: Stephenville High School (Outside of Ft. Worth, TX)

College: University of Houston majoring in business entrepreneurship

Here is video of Kolb in what looks to be a cold room full of cardboard boxes describing how he decided to go to the U of Hou:

Drafted: 2nd round of 2007 draft (36th Overall) by the Philadelphia Eagles

Birthday: August 24, 1984. The #1 song in America that day–Ghostbusters by Ray Parker, Jr.

“BUSTIN’ MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!” It’s all time classic, so Kolb has that going for him:

Twitter: @KevinKolb_4

Last tweet: September 2011. He has 39 tweets and has said nothing of interest in any of them.

Charitable Endeavors: Kolb runs the “Pass it 4ward” Foundation that benefits kids with disabilities and their families.

Admirable.

Website here.

Favorite local Phoenix restaurant in October of 2012: Donovan’s Steak House

Kolb: “It has great family-style food and excellent service. You can never leave hungry.” Quote courtesey of ArizonaFoothills Magazine

Here is their menu. Classic fancy steakhouse fare.

Kolb also conducts his charity’s fundraising event “Celebs and Steaks” at Donovan’s

Interests: Hunting and Fishing (and now hanging out with Jim Kelly)

He describes stabbing a wild hog to death in this philly.com article.

Youtube: This 2012 Kevin Kolb “Highlight” video is a 6 minute video of about 10 different plays. One would think you could cram more highlights into 6 minutes but not so much:

Are there any pictures of him trying to hump a skeleton?: No, I could not locate a one. Upgrade.

Married to: Whitney Huddleston

Source: philadelphia.com

They met in high school. Kevin was a freshman and Whitney was GASP a Senior!

Kids: Three daughters

Synopsis: Don’t for one second think that the Bills signing Kevin Kolb solves our long standing issues at Quarterback. I think Buddy and crew are very wary that Jacksonville will take Geno Smith at #2. This leaves the Bills with only 2nd tier quarterbacks available at the #8 pick. So by signing Kolb, the Bills can take the Best Player Available at #8, (preferably WR Cordarrelle Patterson), then take the best QB available at #41. If the Bills really love Barkley and Nassib, the odds are that one of those guys will be there. Then we hope for the best. If Kolb isn’t the answer, at minimum he will give the new guy some time to develop. And if both of them flame out, there is always the 2014 draft where the QBs are projected to be far superior to this year’s crop.

Welcome to Buffalo, Kevin Kolb.

What’s the worst that could happen?

1972 (Seed #39) at 1982 (Seed #26)

I know a lot of things about the 1960s Bills teams and every Bills team since 1986–but 1972 and 1982 are in No Man’s Land for me.

And does the anyone else think the NBC Sunday Night Theme Song sound a lot like the Star Wars Episode I Battle Droid Theme?

Take a listen for yourself:

I hate Episode I and I hate battle droids! And every time I hear the NBC Sunday Night Theme Song I think of these stupid things:

Roger, Roger.

But I digress, onto the game:

PLAYBOOKS

1972: Favor Run: 38% Pass / 62% Run

1982: Balanced: 46% Pass / 54% Run

SCORING SUMMARY

1st Quarter

1972 7:39 TD 79 yd punt return (Leypoldt kick) 7-0

1982 1:26 TD Frank Lewis 70 yd. pass from Ferguson (Herrera missed extra point) 7-6

2nd Quarter

1982 10:06 TD Roosevelt Leaks 3 yd. pass from Ferguson (Herrera kick) 7-13

1982 0:39 TD Mark Brammer 5 yd. pass from Ferguson (Herrera kick) 7-20

1972 0:05 TD Bob Chandler 41 yd. pass from Shaw (Leypoldt kick) 14-20

Final Score and Link to Individual Statistics