>> Quick update on this: we’ve been sitting here in we’re-not-worthy mode ever since your emails started streaming in last week, and we first want to say a huge thanks.  ¡Thanks!   It’s been so thrilling to see how many interesting people out there – who can also write and/or make cool things – want to write and/or make those things right here on our blog!  *cries*  We’re so happy in fact with your responses so far that we’re putting an end date on this thing, sorry :(  So just a heads up, we won’t be accepting any emails after Monday May 20th at 11:59pm EST.  No presh!   

(drinks entire cup of coffee in one gulp)

LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!111111

First up, happy afternoon everybody.  Missed you.  So here’s the little announcement (which I hinted at over the wknd).  This is for anyone who likes writing or wants to be a wedding blogger.  TKB’s about to take on more contributors!  We’re officially opening up the 2nd annual Knotty Blogger casting call as of today.  So if you are all about this, let me know in the comments and/or via email –> alison@theknottybride.com.  Feel free to tweet me your interest but just make sure you email me whatever you do, as emails will be how we keep track!  Thanks.

Our last casting call explains pretty well what we’re looking for so you can check that out if you’d like.  But here are some examples of what we’re looking for…

Is your voice a great fit for The Knotty Bride blog?

• Maybe you’re funny and it comes alive in your writing.  You might want to write on random topics that pique your interest (and which you believe will be engaging for Knotty readers).
• Maybe you’re the kind of person people go to for advice, and you’d like to spread your wings in our advice column.
• Maybe you’re planning your wedding, and you’re dealing with in-law issues, or relationship issues, or whatever, and you’d like to blog about your journey openly and honestly (and anonymously, if you so desire) so that others might read your column and be relieved to learn they’re not the only ones going through the thing.  Or whatever you get it.
• Maybe you simply love weddings, and you’d like to become one of our wedding bloggistas, sharing incredible wedding submissions right here on The Knotty.
• Maybe you excel in graphic design, or you’re a talented stationer, and you’d like to contribute the occasional custom little something-something, which you’ve created with our readers in mind.
• Or maybe a million other things we haven’t thought of yet!

So that’s the stuff we’re after.  If any of the above describe you, or if you have an even better idea for how you can add your voice to The Knotty Bride… get in touch.  Can’t wait to read your emails you guys!

Next topic, can’t think of a transition sorry.

Did you know it’s International Clitoris Awareness Week?  Yes really.  It’s not what you think tho - it’s better.  It’s like right when you think society’s starting to cave in on itself, Internat’l Clit Awareness becomes a new cause and you feel righted.

Oo speaking of clitorises… here is the blog post I promised you guys with the sex playlist I tested out meticulously curated for you.  If you happen to dig this playlist thing I’m trying out, I’d be happy to make it a thing.  Just let me know.

Now believe it or not, I got too scared to post this post for a very noticeable week and a half, because I got into a headspace where I was convinced the content was far too blunt, far too sex-focused, for the blog.  For The Knotty Bride, a blog titled because of the double entendre of the word “knotty.”  I know, it was very weird.  Meanwhile Cosmopolitan’s publishing dick jokes next to Dakota Fanning’s face.  So I sought intervention.  I talked to a blogger friend of mine about my crippling hesitation to publish, how I thought “my readers may think I’m like, gross.”  She said “are you f**king kidding me? post it. I want to see that list.”

So that got me closer to publishing it.

Then I remembered some things I promised myself when I first started blogging, things like ‘always face your fears’ and  ’blog what scares you’ and that’s when I was like- ok.  Maybe I’ll publish it.

But THEN, I remembered all these things about how sex is the single biggest issue facing relationships second to $$$$//how a lack of physical touching brings down marriages every day//how sex frequently serves as the scapegoat in arguments, when it is actually a diminishing meaningful connection, yadda yadda yadda… I had to post it.

So I sneakily made it part of my answer to today’s reader-submitted question for Dear TKB.  Like a little baby.

Dear TKB:

I’m worried that my fiance and I are drifting apart while we plan our wedding. We argue a lot more these days than we ever did and it’s always over the dumbest wedding shit. Recently we went a day without talking to each other, I was sure we were breaking up, it was horrible. Never felt farther away from him. 

We’re going through a drought sex-wise right now (ever since we started getting into arguments over the wedding planning) and we can’t seem to escape it. Literally we’ll be sitting right next to each other on the couch, and neither of us will touch the other for the entire evening. I hate it. All I want is to feel his touch, but instead I sit there waiting for him to make the first move. I feel like he does the same thing. I guess that’s what you get when you’re both stubborn people!!

I hate how I’ve changed into this person who feels too insecure to initiate sex or try to talk to him about my feelings. And the only reason I don’t initiate sex anymore is because I’m constantly worried “is he into this? does he even want me touching him?” I used to initiate just as much as him! 

Do you have any tips for getting out of this rut? I would appreciate any advice The Knotty Bride or your readers might have for me. Thank you so much in advance. 

-”J”

PS – My biggest problem is I have no idea how to broach the subject in a way that will help us talk about it without fighting. I’m pretty sure you might suggest that I just be honest with him about how I feel, but please understand that it’s so hard to talk to him without it turning into him being defensive, or worse, him not even wanting to talk about it anymore and shutting down. Especially when it’s about my feelings. I know this all sounds terrible but I promise you, we really had a good thing before the wedding started causing weird fights. I promise! I’d love to know if any of your readers have been through a similar thing in their relationships, and if it can get better?

Thank you again!

Dear Miss J,

Lots of people think step one of wedding planning is to pick a date; close but no cigar.  It’s to remember to keep the relationship a top priority.

Seven years in, Honey and I are a great match.  I feel pretty comfortable telling him almost everything.  Not everything.  But almost.  For example I’m still getting around to admitting to just how many places hair grows on my body, but time is on our side.  At this point in our relationship he’s my best guy friend, my trusted confidant, in many ways my business partner, and my favorite person to wrestle with in the boudwahh.  But closer to when we first met, it was much more the last part than anything else.  The rest takes time, and often effort!  How many years are you in?

First thing that comes to mind is it’s possible you’re both weirded out by the people you’ve become, as you guys plan this wedding.  Like you, he may be missing the girl who loved to show him affection and often initiated sex, as you indicated. Try out acting more like yourself again for a day, and ignore the big glaring problems you’re so worried about.  See what happens.

Relationships are all different, with all different types of people in them, and with each of those people carrying a different type and amount of baggage into the relationship.  What’s more; many people aren’t even aware of the emotional issues they bring.  And most people think they’re the saner one in a relationship.  It’s that, that right there, that gets most of us into real trouble, connection-wise.

Real connection takes good old hard work.  Time.  It takes trial and error.  It takes the kinds of talks that make you worried before having the talk, because you fear you might be bringing up something that’ll result in you breaking up with one another by the end of the talk.  Because you’re so afraid that what’s really on your mind might make your partner like you less, and want to leave you for a better one.  Someone without your issues.  (Everybody figures out one day that we ALL have our issues; some are just slower to arrive at this realization than others.)

There’s so much stuff we wish we had the strength to tell our partners, and too often we let our insecurities about how our partners may react stop us from sharing our truths.  But imagine how you felt the last time someone told you a secret about themselves, one that made them feel less than.  Did you suddenly hate them and never want to see them again?  Or did you feel closer to them and want to provide a shoulder?  Did it worsen the relationship?  Or bond you?  Refusing to let your insecurities stop you from speaking openly with your partner is KEY to the longevity of your relationship.

Anyway.  As for advice, I do have some.  Tho you pretty much guessed it already.

I’d like you to talk to him about what’s on your mind, and be honest.  You need to tell him how you feel.  Without blaming him; that’s essential.  Try to keep in mind that your perception is your reality, and that you might be off.  So talk it out, replace your agonizing wondering with knowing.  Don’t drift with the current of your relationship.  Act.  Replace your arguments with conversations, and don’t let it get out of hand.  This is about your bond together; you may think it’s unraveling but it’s very likely that it’s your first true test as a couple.  Getting through the muck successfully means a closer bond in the end.  I have confidence in you!  You’re clearly smart, I can tell.  Plus, I know in my heart that you know in your heart that this is what you have to do.  So don’t be afraid, it’s just talking.

Speaking of talking–

1. Don’t talk too much.
2. Listen.
3. Don’t pile it all on like this is your one opportunity to work through your entire list of grievances.  What’s bothering you most about your relationship right now?  Go with that one and avoid going off-topic (even if you think you can segue into another of your grievances beautifully, killing two birds.. still don’t do it).
4. Listen.
5. The key to communication is brevity (SHOUT OUT ‘A DIFFERENT WORLD’).
6. Listen.
7. Speak with purpose and never attack, no matter what.
8. Listen.
9. Don’t start what might be a long, difficult conversation on an empty stomach.  That goes for both of you.
10. Listen. to. what. he. has. to. saaaay.
11. Do not I repeat do not complain about the less frequent sex you’ve been having.  Tah-RUST me, he has noticed it.
12. Listen listen listen to the words that are comin outta his mouth!
13. At the risk of sounding old fashioned, try preparing dinner and having a real conversation as you two eat together.  Eating makes for great conversation.  Much better than Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on mute.

Ok time to hide ya kids.  This is the Sex Mix part.  SERIOUS FACE, about the kids.

Ladies and germs, please enjoy this list of songs that won’t make you start laughing in the middle of delivering the gift of Orel Hershiser (very disruptive for both involved), or while engaged in your typical sesh of full-throttle love-making…….

(I’d say a few John Mayer albums as well, but I will admit I’ve broken out in laughter at the fact that I’m trying to have sex to a John Mayer album, so it’s iffy)

……. Because:

We need to start taking control of our sex lives.  More and better sex, now.  And the best way to do that?  Set the right mood, and maaaaiiintaaaaaiinn that sonofabeach… with a carefully curated song list.

Y’know, it’s funny.  They say it’s a good thing to be able to laugh during sex.  That it means you’re closer.  Yes, fine, that’s fine and I agree on some level with it.  But consider… sex is a place of escape; laughter brings you back to reality.  Sex is meant to be a safe space for the exploration and discovery of the body, raw and real.  It is most personal.  As you may remember from Dr. Perel‘s TED Talk, it’s about “not only pleasure of the physical, but of the internally arousing.”  And that requires a bit of concentration, AMIRITE LADIES.

So by all means have fun and laugh if something laughable happens.  It’s a healthy response.  But really who wants to pull a muscle being yanked out of a sexually inspiring moment because John Mayer’s “Daughters” came on the radio?  Songs can kill focus just as badly as body insecurity.  You’re just starting to feel like you might be getting into the zone with your partner?  Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.  You’re finally in a place, mentally, where you can let yourself enjoy a little downtime, courtesy of your honey?  Good job keeping a straight face and not bucking his head out of your lap when Miley Cyrus shows up.  Finally turned on enough not to focus on how you look down there, and if he’s happy with how you look down there, and just enjoy the moment?  Anything sung by a Disney Channel star and you’re back to square one.

What a tragedy it is.  To lose the momentum of your sexual experience right in the middle of the experience.  And with nothing but a crappy song to blame.  That is why I encourage you to come with me my children.  Children’s the wrong word.  Come with me, my friends!  Come is the wrong word.

Just listen to me, play those tunes Honey and I have already tested out I MEAN ARRANGED, ARRANGED for you.  And all that’s left for you to do is bang. (Is this weird?)

For discussion today:

1. Do you have any thoughts or advice for our lovely reader, Miss J?

2. When it comes to being intimate… would you say you prefer having the music on? or are you into the sounds of silence?  Would love to hear your song suggestions too, if you have any you wanna share!

3. For those of you interested in joining our newest crop of bloggers – I can’t wait to hear from you.  This is exciting, I loved it so much last time!  Yay to new friendships, too (best part).

xx! Alison

via Buzzfeed

The Knotty Bride is on Buzzfeed you guys.  Is this real life?

We’ve been keeping this a secret for what feels like the length of a full term pregnancy at this point (not to downplay IRL pregnancy where you have an IRL baby in you; trust me on that).  So it’s so rad finally to be able to tell you guys about it!

A huge thanks to Buzzfeed for the bitchin feature, and an even bigger thank you to a key member of The Knotty Bride team Kindred, led by Renee Hong – without whom none of this amazingly creative s**t would even be possible.  It is such an honor to work with you!

A quick note, ladies and gents: while you’re waiting to see all our eye candy from the runway shows of this past Bridal Fashion Week (OMG WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THESE PHOTOS WE TOOK I AM NOT SHITTING YOU)…

… you might want to check on what our resident DIY’ers are up to over at Kindred, or maybe take a peek at the Kindred shop if you’ve got a hankering for some lovely golden bangles… they’d make the perfect bridesmaid gifts, if you ask me. :)

Anyways, if you’re open to it I hope you’ll take a visit over to Buzzfeed and tell us what you think.  Totes your call, obvs.  I know we’re supposed to act all strong and like we don’t care that there are negative comments showing up, but daaaaaaamn!  Peeps be goin negative quick in the comments sections!  >>For example: what did we ever do to you, kylamarien and Zwantea? :\

Have a great morning you guys, much love and hugs.

I’ll be back shortly with your new favorite dresses <==that’s a guarantee.

xx, Alison

Images for Buzzfeed shot by: Jenna Rae Photography and Kindred / Runway image by: maself 

Dessert symbols font: “MTF Sweet Dings” if you’re curious!

In other news…

Here is what newlyweds Alyson and Zac said they were going for, with their wedding:

-a laid back feel with minimal décor.

-romantic without feeling stuffy.

-We wanted people to leave with the feeling that they had just been to an awesome concert with the album and poster to remember it by.

Here is what I heard:

Today’s feature, submitted by Pure 7 Studios, got me where the heart is… and not just because they call one another Honey. It’s also not just because they have a Frenchie (even though the frenchie thing is definitely part of it). And it’s not just because they had an adorbs photo booth at their wedding with adorbs friends who dressed up adorbs-ably because that’s how you do at a wedding (take note, friends of engaged couples). Oh and it’s CERTAINLY not because Alyson is a hottie. Because that would be super chauvinist of me, to like her and this wedding for that alone. For her hotness. Which I don’t see. Like with race.

So nope, it’s none of those things! It’s this first quote:

My favorite quote from the groom (Zac) = “After we began dating, we took a trip down to Florida… walking down the beach late one afternoon… it was the perfect quiet day and I was happy.  It was a simple happy and I was whole.  I knew then she was the one.”

awwwwwwwwwwww.

My favorite quote from the bride (Alyson) = “We fill our lives with the sound of music so we wanted to incorporate that in our wedding.”

Take it away, you two…

In the Beginning

(Alyson:)  We met through mutual friends in the summer of 05’ but were both in other relationships so we remained friends for the next 5 years.  Then one day it clicked and we decided to try for more and it took!  We talk about it now and wonder why it took so long but we know that it was in Gods plan for us to grow as individuals and create a strong friendship. We are best friends now and I wouldn’t want it any other way.  He’s the best man I know and I love him to pieces!

(Alyson:)  Zac proposed on family vacation to the Caymans.  His mother hired a professional photographer to take family photos on the beach.  After every couple had their photo taken it was our turn.  At the perfect moment he whispered in my ear “this next one will be a wall hanger” and it was!  It was right at sunset and a total surprise.  It was a true “precious moment” and we have it all on film!

(Zac:)  As Alyson said, we knew each other thru mutual friends and we had known each other for several years.  I have always enjoyed being around her.  She can always make me laugh.  She is the kind of person that you just enjoy being with.  How could I not fall in love with her?!
After we began dating, we took a trip down to Florida.  Her and I and our two dogs were walking down the beach late one afternoon.  It was the perfect quiet day and I was happy.  It was a simple happy and I was whole.  I knew then she was the one.

The Big Day

9/21/12
Carillon Beach, Florida

Colors – Oranges, blues, turquoise, purples, pinks
We chose not to have bridesmaids and groomsman because it was a destination wedding.
(Alyson:)  Theme – Both Zac and I really love listening to old vinyl, discovering new bands, and checking out live shows.  We fill our lives with the sound of music so we wanted to incorporate that in our wedding.  We had our guests sign some of our records instead of a book and we hired a blues band to play at the reception.  The band is a ligit blues band from Memphis so they haven’t played many weddings.  Needless to say it was interesting but they are great musicians.  We also gave gift bags and filled them with personalized cd’s that looked like old 45’s and posters with everyone of our guests names on them.  The bags were plain brown bags from Hobby Lobby so I wanted to give them a little flair.  I bought different kinds of fabric and cut them into strips.  I also used glitter ribbon and a rope like material.  I punched holes in the bags and tied the ribbon, rope, & fabric into bows on the bags.  It gave it a personal touch!  We wanted people to leave with the feeling that they had just been to an awesome concert with the album and poster to remember it by.

What we wanted overall was a laid back feel with minimal décor.  I wanted it to be romantic without feeling stuffy.  The ceremony took place in a small white chapel next to the reception green.  We didn’t trust the weather at the beach so we chose the chapel instead but we did have pictures taken on the beach and they are perfect.  We had an open-air reception overlooking the Carillon Lake with tons of lights in the trees. The tables were covered with white linen table clothes & turquoise pales filled with colorful zinnias, dahlias, lisianthus, & hydrangeas. We also had a homemade photo booth with tons of awesome props.  Our florist was amazing and captured exactly what we wanted.   It was country, beach chic.  J

(Alyson:)  I loved my dress!  I wanted it to feel light and match the beach atmosphere.  I really just wanted to be comfortable but still feel like a bride.

We honeymooned in Anguilla but didn’t go until November.  I’m glad we chose to wait because we were well rested and the excitement wasn’t over in just a weekend.  We had our honeymoon to look forward too!  We also got married on a Friday so we spent the next day on the beach with our friends.  It was perfect.

Borrowed, Blue, & New
(borrowed) I wore my mother’s shoes from when she married my dad.  (new) My parents bought me pearl earrings.  (blue) I cut a piece of my diseased grandfathers blue shirt in the shape of a heart and had it sown into my dress over my heart.  We were very close and it was really important for me to include a piece of him.  He would have loved Zac.

Behind the Scenes

We couldn’t have worked with better planners, photographers, caterers, videographers, or florists!  There are a lot of details that go into a wedding and they are truly the best at what they do.

Thanks, Alyson and Zac for sharing your incredible day with us!  Let’s get this party started…

Btw – this wedding does not get an…

… that’s just their beautiful moss-covered married name initial. (Harr dee harr harrrr I know, I know..)

Ok so here’s my question…

xx, Alison

Photographer: Pure 7 Studios / Wedding Planners: Victoria & Avis – Carillon Weddings / Caterer: Townsend Catering / Florist: Nouveau Flowers / Gown: Lowe’s Bridal / Cupcakes: Confections on the Coast / Ceremony: Carillon Beach, Meeting House / Reception: Carillon Beach, Main Green / Entertainment: Daddy Mack Blues Band / Makeup: Jamie Gummere / Invitations: Wedding Wire / Submission via Two Bright Lights

Ok. If you’ve ever wondered about how marriage and the having of children impact a couple’s sex life — or if you’re there right now and you’re feeling desperate for some real world advice — consider today’s post required reading.

I am not kidding around. If you read only five posts on this blog, let this be one of them. Here’s another. There are more but let’s try to focus.

Dear TKB:

A married friend of mine recently told me that she and her husband aren’t having as much sex as they used to, and that she’s at a loss for what to do. She said he gets defensive when she brings it up and shuts down the conversation. So at this point they’re not really talking about it, which definitely doesn’t seem like a good road to go down.

I feel really bad for her and want to help but all I could think to do was reassure her that everything will be ok, which I don’t even know if that’s case. I mean what do you do when a friend tells you this?

I’ve always assumed that if you love each other, and have a good connection, then everything will be fine. But I’m starting to feel like I’m just being naive?

One more thing… please tell me it’s possible to still have a great sex life while there’s a dependent zero year old around 24/7. Please.

Thank you in advance for any help you can provide, I truly appreciate it.

C.

Dear C,

I really love TED Talks. Have you heard of them? I find I learn so much from them, above any other source. They have talks from knowledgeable people on topics like humanity, technology, business, sex, relationships-you name it, they talk about it. And in incredibly clear detail. I highly recommend them.

The talk delivered by Esther Perel in the video below is probably my favorite. It speaks to everything I’ve personally ever wondered about the impact that marriage and new parenthood have on our existing sex lives. The best thing you can say to your friend is that she’s not alone. This is normal stuff. It’s about how you deal with it as a couple that makes all the difference.

Now sit back and watch an audience uncomfortable-laugh their way through a sex talk that finally resonates with their real life experiences.

It’s about 20 minutes long and it will explain EVERYTHING.

Do you guys have insight, or advice, for Miss C and her friend?

As always, no information is too much information for this blog, even when it comes to sex. Especially then. So feel free to keep it real ladies and gents.

xx, Alison

P.S. – Do you have any questions you’d like to submit to the Dear TKB advice column? Send a question to alison(@)theknottybride.com and I might answer it on the blog! Of course, your privacy is my priority. Names are never revealed.