The Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking

Relocation

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:10:00 +0000

The Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking is moving to WordPress. More flexibility over there and better looking blogs, I think. The new site also has another big announcement.

Click here and check out the new digs. Hint below.

Juxtaposition

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 03:52:00 +0000

Last week was the worst week of my life, yet it contained the best day, a dichotomy that haunts most of my waking hours.

My 18-month old goddaughter Kathryn passed away in her sleep unexpectedly on Sunday, October 7, six days before I married the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The death stunned our close-knit group of friends and numbed our souls to everything but the sheer unbelievability of our loss. Her father was my best man, but we invited Kathryn's mother to join us at the alter. Their resolve to stand together through the most incomprehensible of tragedies was a symbol of love and strength Jessica and I wanted to have front and center and near us as we exchanged vows in a ceremony that only went on at all with the blessings of the bereaved couple.

The few smiles and laughs Friday's rehearsal dinner and Saturday's wedding provided the parents were more important than symbolic rings or cakes or tossed bouquets. The remembrances of Kathryn, our flower girl even en absentia, made the ceremony complete. There were no Bridezillas or family meltdowns or jilted former lovers popping out of the woodwork during the "if anyone knows why this man and this woman should not be joined" phase of the festivities.

Perspective ruled the events.

Jessica and I lost the most wonderful part of our lives as a couple: our Saturday morning companion, our little housecleaning helper, the love of our lives. But we gained each other like never before and found happiness still waiting just outside our grief, ready to return for a little while and then glad to step back into the shadows until the time for happiness was upon us again.

I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life. I am sadder right now than I have ever been in my life.

More pictures soon.

We interrupt this blog for nuptials

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:35:00 +0000

I was told once by a friend made through blogging never to write about my own relationship on my blog. This advice came one girlfriend and one blog entry too late. I rushed the disintegration of one relationship with a short treatise on shopping trips in the company of women. Otherwise, I may have never met Jessica and the following entry may not have been necessary. Thank goodness for sporadic idiocy, I guess.

I'm getting married. And just once (and briefly), I'm going to write about it.

"Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

—Beanie, from Old School

In just a little more than three weeks, I am going to stand up in front of a crowd of friends and relatives and publicly vow to love, cherish, adore, remain true to and usually obey this one extraordinary woman, through sickness and in health, for richer (yeah, right) or poorer (more like it). Till death do we part. A very nice man with a Christian background and a white goatee who looks about 203 years old and still rides a motorcycle (yep, he's in the club) will preside and read a short Baha'I prayer as a nod to my own amalgamated spiritual background. Then we'll exchange rings we probably will buy at Claire's the day before, but the symbology of the whole ritual will hardly suffer.

Then we will be joined legally and spiritually as man and wife. Beer drinking will ensue. There will be dancing and merriment and hopefully it won't start raining frogs just because one of South Georgia's career bachelors is retiring.

Jessica will change her last name, which will be weird to me, but exciting. No hyphens, either. The Garners of Bulloch County officially grow from four to five members.

That, then, will officially close the book on Chapter 14 of Memoirs of a Pretty Average Dude, "Our House (Is a very, very, very messy house)." After the breakneck pace of Chapters 9 ("Dude, I just threw up on your truck") and 10 ("Understanding the signs of a potentially fucked-up relationship, pts 9-13") and the introspection of Chapter 11 ("My cubicle smells funny"), the story of finding, falling for and eventually marrying Jessica was fairly average. Some drama. Some conflict. Nothing to dig up Stanley Kubrick and have him shoot a movie about. Mostly just love and snuggling and farts and laughter and Jessica learning enough about baseball to suggest lineup changes in the middle of the Southern Conference baseball tournament like Annie Savoy sending notes to the Bulls' dugout. Good times.

<--Actually, after Chapters 9-12 (and two St. Patrick's Days working for a beer company), the Dean has had quite enough of the bachelor's life, thank you.

I'm not sure what Chapter 15 will hold, although I'm excited about it. Jessica is in graduate school and working full time. I'm freelance writing regularly and beginning to get very serious about the play I'm writing (that blog, by the way, is soon to get a major facelift and content change). Work is also keeping me moving at a breakneck pace.

So for a few weeks, posts here are going to be fewer and farther between. The "Cult of I-AA" will be on hold for a little while, but will hopefully resurface as "The Cult," a standalone sports blog I hope to originate with the help of some other folks. It will be dedicated to FCS/I-AA football, mid-major basketball, the enduring love of hardcore fans who follow otherwise crappy teams and other under-the-radar aspects of sports culture. In the meantime, I'll still be writing player features for the GSU football game program, "GSU Endzone," and posting my regular "Thursday Thousand" feature about Georgia Southern football on SouthernFACTS.org. I'll reprint my player profiles here after publication. "The Cult" will hopefully come to life in late October, just in time for the playoff push in I-AA football.

Here at the Institute, we'll resume our long-overdue lesson on the Six Laws of Pop Culture, which have undergone some minor tweaks. Rest assured: all six laws will get covered.

For my six faithful readers and the ever present J.P. "Blossom's Brother" Lawrence, I'll try to offer up at least one short blog (possibly just a few links and a minimal narrative) a week. Please understand that although the Bride has been more than gracious in giving me time to write even when it wasn't going to earn us money, she deserves my more-or-less full attention these next few weeks.

I hope to see many of you at the wedding October 13 and will miss those of you who can't make it or whom I stupidly failed to invite. Jess and I aren't much in the way of planning and would have been up shit creek in a wire canoe if not for parents, friends and well-wishers pitching in to make sure that we didn't just off and elope (which would have been cheaper).

And in case I failed to mention it, I have never been happier than I am right this moment. (Single people are allowed to barf now.)

I'll be back soon.

The Cult of I-AA: The I-AA stock market

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:30:00 +0000

The Fed dropped interest rates today in more places and by a wider margin than anyone expected, brining some financial excitement to the markets that has been MIA all summer. The trickle effect of economic news should be familiar theory to I-AA football fans, who immediately saw the profile of Championship Division schools shoot through the roof when Appalachian State knocked off Michigan to open the college football season.

But like a stock market, the value of that win doesn't set the market for I-AA respectability by itself. In fact, when Michigan lost the next week to Oregon by an even wider margin, some of the luster of the App State win started to fade. It won't take away from the power of the moment or the immense boost in exposure for Appalachian itself, but for I-AA as a whole, Michigan's record this season is a tangible barometer of how I-AA, represented in this case by its defending two-time champion, is looked at by the rest of "major" college football fans. Sort of like how all your college buddies will judge your dating record from "back in the day" by how those women look at homecoming.

"Seriously, dude," you protest, "she's had like four kids. She was hot. Don't act like you don't remember. This is bullshit."

Coming to the rescue have been a slew of other I-AA squads. Northern Iowa, Southern Illinois and New Hampshire have posted impressive wins over I-A stalwarts (including I-AA to I-A poster boy Marshall). McNeese State knocked off a I-A from the Wannabe Division, Louisiana-Lafayette. Even the Citadel, a perennial stepchild in the Southern Conference since the early 1990s, gave another Big 10 team, Wisconsin, a fright.

Don't expect Big 10 teams to come calling the SoCon again anytime soon. Like this century.

The chances for the I-A/I-AA comparison to play out on the field start to go away by the fourth full week of the season. North Dakota State has two I-A games left against Central Michigan (which falls somewhere between a Wannabe and a Field Filler) and Minnesota (a full-blown Field Filler). UMass has the Cult's last chance at a tremendous upset when they face Boston College, a school that almost qualifies for Icon Status. Georgia Southern finishes its season with Field Filler Colorado State and there are a few more I-A vs. I-AA matchups, but for the most part, it's time to get into Cult versus Cult play.

Overall, the lower division has acquitted itself better this year than in any since the Citadel knocked off Arkansas and South Carolina in the glory days. The App State win has I-AA stock at an all-time high, but counting on the Powers That Be to capitalize on that and the interdivisional moratorium for some truly innovative enhancements to the Cult is probably asking too much.

Oh well, a High Priest can dream.

Speaking of fluctuating values…

First of all, everyone who has even an inkling of knowledge about how I-AA works knows that polls mean bupkus to how the Cult champion is crowned. Conference champions earn automatic bids to the NCAA I-AA football playoffs and the rest are assigned by guys in suits, who invariably use computer rankings to explain how each year the big conferences slip in a third team when some smaller conference gets hosed because said smaller conference doesn't have their own suit in the room (or their suit doesn't have as many friends). It's like the basketball tournament, only with less coverage.

Still, we look at polls each week to measure our own team and the teams around us—particularly the ones our boys are going to be lining up against on Saturday. So in a utilitarian/marketing sort of way, the polls are good for business.

But polls are particularly ineffective until around October. In fact, this week's poll might be the most useless poll of the season. That's because most Cult teams have only played one game within their division through the first three weeks.

A preseason poll would be great for setting the season's expectations. Waiting until the first games of October were played to begin releasing weekly polls would be the next step in the right direction. By then, almost every team in the Cult would have five or six games on record – enough to not only distinguish a squad by won-loss record, but also by how many playmakers are emerging on the team.

Polls are sticky creatures because particularly early on, teams with high expectations get big breaks for beating marginal teams and little penalty for losing to I-A squads—even Wannabes! It's pretty easy to argue that Montana and UMass, ranked 2/3 most of the season, should be ranked 9/8 respectively. In fact, here's how I rank the top 10 based on granting greater mobility in the polls for on-the-field accomplishments or lack thereof. We'll compare the High Priest's Ranking (HPR) with the FCS media poll, coaches' poll and Sagarin ratings.

Full disclosure: I did these rankings prior to looking at the Sagarin numbers, but not before peeking at the current FCS and Coaches' polls.

Team	HPR	FCS	Coaches	Sagarin	Average (rank)
Appalachian State	1	1	1	1	1.0 (1)
Southern Illinois	2	7	6	4	4.75 (4)
Northern Iowa	3	4	5	2	3.5 (2)
McNeese State	4	6	8	8	6.5 (T-6)
James Madison	5	8	9	17	9.75 (9)
New Hampshire	6	10	10	15	10.25 (10)
North Dakota State	7	5	4	11	6.5 (T-6)
UMass	8	3	3	3	4.25 (3)
Montana	9	2	2	10	5.75 (5)
Youngstown State	10	9	7	6	8 (8)

Considering that there are some big name lurkers in the 11-15 positions of both polls and the Sagarin ratings and that those same lurkers will be colliding with some of the names on this top 10, you don't have to be Master Splinter to see that the October 8 poll could look vastly different than this one. If the October 8^th poll were the first since the preseason layout was announced, the following key "measuring stick" games would have been played before voters and coaches were allowed to again weigh in with their opinion of who the 25 best in the Cult were:

Appalachian State @ Wofford
New Hampshire @ Richmond, v. Delaware
JMU v. Coastal Carolina, v. Villanova
Southern Illinois @ Youngstown
UMass @ Boston College
McNeese v. Sam Houston State
N Dakota State @ Central Michigan, @ W. Illinois
Montana v. Eastern Washington

Worth noting

As the High Priest of I-AA, I am dubbing Southern Illinois the new name of "So Ill." It sounds like a Run DMC song and should be taken as a compliment. As in: "You remember when Brandon Jacobs played for the Salukis? He was so ill."

Richmond is ranked fifth among I-AAs in the Sagarins and isn't in either Top 25 poll. The only other team to rank above JMU (the low Sagarin in the HPR/FCS/Coaches polls) and not be included in either Top 25 is Georgia Southern, ranked 16^th.

Coming to theaters sometime near Halloween: Freddy vs. Jason vs. The UMassCot. Seriously, what the fuck? Does this thing really look like this? We need a "worst mascot costume" contest. Submit your photos here.

Notre Dame is 113 in the overall Sagarin ratings, good for 8^th in I-AA.

Two other teams in the Sagarin top 10 among I-AAs are Delaware (7) and Eastern Washington (9).

The Colonial is the highest rated I-AA conference, followed by the Gateway. Appalachian State may be the poster child for I-AA's rising stock, but the Southern Conferenec it calls home is ranked fourth according to Jeff Sagarin.

And computers compose the Sagarin ratings, so take them with a grain of salt. These are the same machines that make almost every phase of your life a little bit harder than it needs to be, even if you can't live without them.

Subtle changes

Pay attention and you'll notice that the Cult of I-AA is moving away from a regular Thursday/Friday feature of about 3,000 words like it was back in the i-aa.org days and is morphing into a 2-3 times a week feature of less words that should add up to about 3,000. That should jive with the High Priest's hectic schedule, which includes writing a play about Cult legend Erk Russell, other freelance writing, a full time job in the hectic (but rewarding) alcoholic beverage industry and planning for an Oct. 13 wedding.

I'll be back late in the week with a call for more Cult Hall of Fame nominations (coaches this time), my weekend picks and the I-AA Fantasy All-Stars, who badly need a running back.

The Cult of I-AA: Short and sweet

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:57:00 +0000

This edition of the Cult of I-AA is going to be cut a bit short. You see, the Grand and Aged Father of the Cult (i.e., my dad) took a spill last Saturday night while importing celebratory beers from the outside fridge to the inside fridge of the Highway 119 Institute of Higher Thinking following Georgia Southern's season-opening victory over West Georgia.

In the process, he ruptured his spleen. There is "falling on your sword" and there is "falling on your beer." In a freak accident, the Grand and Aged Father fell on his beer, the latest in a lifelong string of mishaps to befall the Old One. Just today, he was finally discharged from the hospital and was last seen hobbling around the kitchen on his artificial leg with his abdomen still tightly bound, ostensibly to keep his guts from flying out. I am making not one word of this up.

So instead of cranking out 3,000 words, the High Priest is taking a different route this week. Today I'll feature a quick update of my ongoing I-AA picks and report on the progress of the I-AA All-Stars fantasy team against my fantasy team, Bad Newz Kennels. Check back Sunday or Monday for a quick recap of the weekend's action, more on the I-AA Hall of Fame, the weekly Cult Babe and a new feature I'll hopefully be unveiling that day as well.

And watch where you're going with that brewskie.

Picking up the pace

It's still just week three for most of I-AA, and the inescapable absurdity of early-season polls is apparent. This isn't because we've seen wild upsets or dominating performances (outside of App State) but because after just two games, no team in the nation really knows too much about what they've got in relation to everyone else. Again, except for App.

UMass has looked lethargic but strong. Youngstown beat a South Dakota State team last week that might be pretty good. James Madison has the biggest claim on a legitimate top three spot this side of Boone after beating New Hampshire—but who really knows!?! Most I-AA squads have played every sort of team except another I-AA team.

In a perfect world, there would be a preseason poll to set expectations and not another poll again until the third weekend in October. In fact, the High Priest is going to unveil his own Cult of I-AA "Field of 16" poll beginning after the October 20 games. Since I'm getting married the week before that, would someone please email me and remind the old High Priest that he promises a "Field of 16" poll on, oh, October 21^st? Thanks.

As for the High Priest, the Crystal Ball came back from maintenance last week in pretty good shape. I was 7-2 in last week's picks, missing on upset bids by Hofstra and Northern Iowa. I did forsee James Madison's coup and Portland State's rebound game, though.

On the season, the High Priest has improved to 12-6, but the games are still relatively easy.

Here are this week's picks. Let's start with the I-A vs. I-AA matchups, where I see one potential "upset" in the offing: McNeese State has a good chance of toppling Louisiana-Lafayette. In terms of beating a I-A team, it's like outrunning a kid in a wheelchair, but a win is a win. Don't expect such upsets in the other games, including New Hampshire-Marshall. The Thundering Herd may be 0-2 with a loss to a pretty pitiful Miami team, but they will still handle the Wildcats.

Here are the picks. Some nicknames have been submitted in place of actual school names, but only for the teams I think are going to lose:

HARVARD over Sports Guy University
APPALACHAIN over Northern Arizona
MARSHALL over Ricky Santos U
NC STATE over Wofford
GEORGIA SOUTHERN over Fancy Name For A Yard Bird U
ILLINOIS STATE over Eastern Illinois
NORTH DAKOTA STATE over Sam Houston State
McNEESE STATE over The Sunbelt Conference's Answer to Chattanooga
CAL POLY over The Grill

Oh, but for Tony Romo

The I-AA All Stars rode week one's top fantasy player in any reasonable scoring system, Tony Romo, and trounced my Bad Newz Kennels team 118-92. That makes two losses for the Pit Bulls, who dropped their actual for-money fantasy game 94-92 on a late field goal in the Arizona game.

Romo, throwing in large part to fellow Cult graduate Terrell Owens, racked up 52 points in the Greater Savannah Fantasy Football League scoring system. I don't care what league you're playing in: that's impressive.

Worth noting: Payton Award winners Romo and Brian Westbrook combined for 64 points, while Heisman darlings Carson Palmer and Reggie Bush totaled up 22.

Here is the final scoring:

QB Tony Romo (Eastern Illinois/Dallas): 52 pts
15/24, 345 yds, 4 TD, 1 INT, 11 rush yds, 1 rush TD
Bad Newz Kennels: Carson Palmer, 19 pts

RB Brian Westbrook (Villanova/Philadelphia): 12 pts
85 yds rush, 65 yds rec
BNK: Reggie Bush, 3 pts

RB Brandon Jacobs (Southern Illinois/New York): 4 pts
26 yds rush
BNK: DeAngelo Williams, 5 pts

WR Terrell Owens (Chattanooga/Dallas): 20 pts
87 yds, 2 TD
BNK: Reggie Wayne, 31 pts

WR Donald Driver (Alcorn State/Green Bay): 6 pts
66 yds
BNK: Roy Williams, 8 pts

TE Eric Johnson (Yale/New Orleans): 5 pts
57 yds rec
BNK: Jeremy Shockey, 4

K Jeff Wilkins (Youngstown State/St. Louis): 8 pts
2/2 FG, 1/1 PAT
BNK: Jason Elam, 11 pts

DEF Jacksonville (DC Mike Smith, East Tennessee St): 10 pts
BNK: Carolina Panthers, 11 pts

The starting lineup for BNK will be the same this week, while the I-AA squad may have to insert a backup to cover for injured RB Brandon Jacobs. It's a game time decision.

Cult Babes

In his other life, the High Priest works as the promotions and marketing guy for a beer company, which comes with the perk of being able to choose and escort the incredibly hot young ladies that work to promote the various beers and spirits my company is pushing.

Four of these five hotties are straight from Georgia Southern, I-AA National Champions in hot coeds since anyone bothered to take note. Think you can do better? Prove it. Email your best to the High Priest, and we'll let the Cult decide.

Of course, that picture is just the tip of the iceberg.

Remembering 9/11 with Ryan Adams

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 01:01:00 +0000

Watch the first 10 seconds of this video.

You'll then watch the rest.

"New York, New York" was the first track on Adams' second solo album, Gold. The cover, produced weeks before the 9/11 attacks and the Sept. 18th release of the album, featured a picture of Adams in front of an upside-down American flag. A flag flown in such a manner is a symbol of distress.

The fifth song on Gold: "The Rescue Blues."

The Cult of I-AA: Honoring the legends

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:35:00 +0000

The rest of the football world is finally picking up what most of us in the Cult have known for quite some time: there's some good football down in the subdivision.

From the "Strike While the Iron is Hot" department of the Institute of Higher Thinking comes the message that now is as good a time as any to elaborate on the "Cult Hall of Fame" talked about in this space last week.

The idea is very simple. Take nominations from I-AA fans across the nation for the first class of I-AA Hall of Fame inductees. Disseminate those nominations to a panel composed of bloggers, national and regional media and even let the fans have a vote. The inaugural class of I-AA Hall of Famers will then be released to that same group of fans, bloggers and media. Hell, we'll even send the results in to some "mainstream" media outlets and see if they run with it.

To make the initial class of inductees work, a few concerns had to be addressed:

(1) There should be some degree of exclusivity to the Cult HOF. The initial slots should be limited and coveted. If this is a success, I can assure you that each year we'll circulate another ballot and induct new members into the hall.

(2) The I-AA HOF should recognize accomplishments that happened in the I-AA era (with a couple of notable exceptions I'll mention later) and were achieved by I-AA teams. That means limiting the historic scope of the Cult HOF to 1978 and beyond and basing inclusion into the hall on the records and accomplishments of players, programs and coaches while they were part of I-AA. Jim Tressell, for example, would be considered as a coaching inductee because he won four national titles at Youngstown State. Certainly his resume at Ohio State would bolster his argument for being included into the hall, but the primary gateway into the Cult Hall of Fame is based on what happened while you were in I-AA. So Steve McNair should have a leg up on Kurt Warner, because he was a bigger story and had more success while he was playing for Alcorn State than Warner did while at Northern Iowa.

(3) The Hall should honor a wide spectrum of the Cult of I-AA.

To enhance the exclusivity of the initial class of Cult Hall-of-Famers, I've assigned a limited number of inaugural slots to each category in the Cult Hall of Fame. Leave a comment or email me if you have a beef with any of limits.

Programs (5), Coaches (5), Quarterbacks (5), Running Backs (5), Wide Receivers (5), Linemen and Tight Ends (4), Defensive Linemen (5), Linebackers (5), Defensive Backs (5), Kickers (3), Administrators/Innovators/Media (5).

There will also be two players inducted as icons: Walter Payton and Jerry Rice. Although Payton technically didn't play I-AA football, he played for a I-AA institution and is such an iconic part of the subdivision that the top honor any player can receive is the Walter Payton Award. Both he and Rice are considered the hallmark all-time players at their positions, and since both represent the schools of I-AA, they should be immediately and without vote inducted into the I-AA Hall of Fame.

Moreover, the Hall itself should be named for them. Check out the poll on the sidebar and tell us how you feel about calling this whole project the "Payton-Rice I-AA Hall of Fame."

This week, we will be taking nominations for Hall of Fame Programs.

The criteria: All nominated programs must have been a member of Division I-AA for at least 10 seasons. Teams currently residing in the Championship Subdivision will receive greater consideration than an equal program currently outside of the division.

Weighing Factors: Strong consideration will be given to any program that can exhibit:
(a) Championship pedigree
(b) Playoff pedigree
(c) Sustained fan support
(d) Name recognition
(e) Coaching legacy
(f) Former players in the professional ranks/coaching ranks
(g) A historic impact on I-AA football

Automatic nominations go out to: Georgia Southern, Youngstown State, Appalachian State, Montana, Marshall, Grambling, Princeton, Harvard and Yale

Want to make a case for another team? Go back to the nomination link above and email it. I'll post the most compelling arguments next week.

"Remember Montana State"

Jerry Moore is reminding his troops at App State to forget about ESPN and Sports Illustrated and the Boone coeds throwing unmentionables onto the practice fields. In fact, with a little help, he can take the Michigan-Appalachian State game film and Photoshop his team onto the Michigan players and Lenoir-Rhyne onto the Appalachian State players to show just how quickly a reversal of fortunes can take place when a bigger opponent doesn't take its "tune up" seriously.

Or Moore could just whip out last year's Montana State highlight reel. I think enough message boards have covered this that I don't need to beat it to death: MSU beats Colorado, loses to DII team the next week, yadda yadda.

What is interesting is thinking about the ramifications if Michigan has a bowl-eligible or better season after the stunner against App State. It is safe to say that the whole subdivision could reap the rewards. I-AA could reap even greater rewards if the SI cover jinx comes to roost and Appalachian actually loses a game.

Huh?

Look at it this way. Let's just start with the assumption that Michigan goes 9-4 with a win in the GoDaddy.com Bowl over, say, an overachieving Vanderbilt or an underachieving Cal. The point is, in this hypothetical, you have to speculate that the best case scenario for the image of I-AA is for Michigan to perform well the rest of the season.

Now, still thinking of the greatest positive impact for all of I-AA, fans have got to hope that the Mountaineers have another championship-quality season. But if App runs the table and becomes just the third perfect 15-0 team in I-AA history, the rest of I-AA can be marginalized.

"That Appalachian State team was just a freak of nature," they would say. And if you watched the national coverage of Appalachian's upset, you know who "they" are. "They weren't representative of the whole division.

But if App lost in the late stages of the playoffs or to a traditional power (Georgia Southern and Furman are the two on the schedule) in the regular season and/or in the playoffs, the rhetoric bouncing around after week one—namely that the top of I-AA is as powerful as the middle and lower tiers of I-A.

Two things I-AA fans don't want: Michigan as a team to be marginalized or App to fall on its face.

Calling all Cult Babes

Since just a few weeks into my original Cult of I-AA column over one what is now College Sporting News, I've been providing links to some of the hot babes on the Net. The ones with their clothes on.

Occasionally, I've even tried to pair up hotties with I-AA school credentials like last week's representative, Mira Sorvino. Or this week's cutie, Carol Alt, who attended Hofstra but dropped out. So what.

This year, I'd like to move to something more home grown. I'm encouraging you to send Cult Babes from your school. The rules are very simple:

Email your submissions by clicking here.

No nudity. I'm not saying you shouldn't send it, but I won't post it.

Cult gear is a must. If you're sending a Montana Cult Babe, then she needs to be holding a Montana flag, wearing a Montana half-shirt, standing amid a stellar Montana tailgate—your team must be represented as well as the quality of your coeds. This is about school spirit, folks.

And proving which I-AA school has the hottest football fans.

I'll post the best pics each week, starting with some Georgia Southern Cult Babes from this weekend's GSU-West Georgia opener.

I'd have better luck picking my nose

I was 5-4 in my I-AA picks last week on what should have been a gimmee week, I could have thrown darts at the games and fared better. I'll admit that I thought Portland State would ride the excitement of Jerry Glanville much as the Falcons did in his first year in Atlanta (a 4-0 preseason, a win in week one and then, well, not so good).

This week, I hope to do better. The theories at work here are to give credit to teams with a game under their belt, show love to home openers and just guess better.

JAMES MADISON over New Hampshire
YOUNGSTOWN STATE over South Dakota State
IOWA over Northern Iowa
FURMAN over Hofstra
PORTLAND STATE over UC Davis
NORTH DAKOTA STATE over Stephen F. Austin
NICHOLLS STATE over So. Arkansas
UMASS over Colgate
GEORGIA SOUTHERN over West Georgia

And finally…

This link is not only priceless, it should be reworked into an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

And see, I'm not the only one who thinks FCS is just stupid.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

The Cult of I-AA Special Edition: Hail to the Victors

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 15:32:00 +0000

It's A-Day plus two here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, and only has the High Priest just now finally removed himself from the Great and Excellent celebrations following the most momentous win by a I-AA program in the history of the subdivision, Appalachian State's 34-32 shocker over Big Ten powerhouse Michigan. I'll just assume you heard about it.

Who would have guessed that Bruce Banner was an App State grad? -->

A lot of things went into the Mountaineers' win over Michigan—and I'm not talking about just the X's and O's and all the things that have been hashed out by the talking heads on ESPN, either.

(While we're on the subject of ESPN talking heads, by the way, Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May have a lot of good points about big schools playing cupcakes, but their insistence on belittling App State before and during the upset is understandable ignorance. Their continued assertion that Appalachian had no business at all winning the game is willful ignorance, for reasons I'll point out in a few paragraphs. Bear with me.)

I spent many hours in the Shrine of I-AA communing with the Football Gods, chanting and fasting. Here are the real reasons App State won the game, as were passed down to me by the Football Gods themselves on stone tablets.

Champions play like champions

Whenever the debate begins about I-A and I-AA, the High Priest has always stood behind the statement that a Cult champion is usually as good or better than any team from the lower half of I-A. I have long maintained that the I-AA champ could not only compete in, but they could win most of the first week of shitty, uninteresting I-A bowls.

I have been disputed on this point, but the Football Gods have sent you a sign. A star has risen over Ann Arbor, Michigan. Follow it, and you will find the place where it was shown that a two-time Cult Champion with enough returning players can beat even a team with millions of dollars and 100,000 fans.

So is it too unreasonable to think that a Cult champion could manhandle a 6-5 team from Conference USA in the Chico's Bail Bonds Bowl?

This goes back to a point I made in my first column back as the High Priest: if the I-AA championship game were played in late December—after the Irrelevant Bowl and Acme Giant Slingshot Bowl but before the equally-useless-but-higher-quality bowls between the third-place teams from legitimate Icon conferences—then I-AA football in general would grow in stature.

It is like the theory of prestige used in the print industry: a magazine is more prestigious than a newspaper, a book is more prestigious than a magazine. Never mind that the book may be Ann Coulter's latest vapid pack of idiocy and the newspaper may be the Washington Post. Most morons will actually believe the book has more credibility just because it is a book.

The same theory applies to the timing of the I-AA championship. Move it out of the ungodly awful Friday night slot before the I-A bowl season and into a late-December, prime time position and coupled with App State's sudden infusion of credibility into the veins of Cult football, the football world would watch.

PS: For those who say the fans wouldn't travel that close to Christmas, blah, blah, blah—bullshit. Elevate the prestige of the time slot and of the game and passes to the game would be like Golden Tickets. You'd have Appalachian State, UMass, Georgia Southern, Youngstown State and Montana fans unwrapping chocolate bars for a chance to see their team play on ESPN on December 29 with all the world watching.

And in just a few short years, the overall attitude toward at least the top programs in I-AA would see a seismic shift. Michigan's upset would still be an upset of monumental proportions, but you might actually hear this:

Lee Corso: "Michigan played the entire game flat, you guys. And as we all know, if you play a game flat against a championship team from the Playoff Division, you run the very good chance of being beaten.

The Football Gods hate "FCS" almost as much as the High Priest does

If the NCAA ever needed instant feedback on just how everyone felt about the recent change in nomenclature from I-AA to FCS (Football Championship Subdivision), then they got it in week one. Not only did almost every graphic on the ESPN/Fox/NBC/CBS/Aurora Cable Access screens say I-AA, many of them didn't even bother to say "FCS/I-AA" or "FCS (formerly I-AA)." On top of that, announcers stumble over the new moniker. Some called it stupid. Most openly ridiculed it. One writer referred to it as "the new NCAA-ese for I-AA."

Better men than those responsible for this debacle of nomenclature shift have reversed course. It's not too late for the NCAA to do the same. Or, if you really want to enhance I-AA with a name change, use the eloquent words of Brent Musburger, ABC's top-notch, veteran play-by-play man. He simply called I-AA the "Playoff Division."

Division I Playoff Division. Sometimes the answer is simple and obvious. Thanks, Brent.

Karmic realignment

Just days before the Home Invasion in the Big House, Lauren Caitlin (the girl with two trendy first names; what, Brittany Lindsay wasn't available?) metaphorically kicked Appalachian State University in the groin. Caitlin, Miss Teen South Carolina, is the latest overnight YouTube sensation thanks to her stereotype-reaffirming answer to the question: why can't one in five average American's find the U.S. on a map?

Given a chance to answer again on the "Today Show," Caitlin fared better, but that isn't saying much. She did, however, announce her college plans.

That's right. Appalachian State.

It didn't take long for App's rivals to begin a long series of jokes at App's expense.

Q. How many Mountaineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Well, personally I think most Mountaineer Appalachians have, uh, Osama and South Africa to get more electricity, um, ahh, transistor radios with surround sound and uhhh, crap… GO MOUNTAINEERS!!! WHOOOOOO!

If you are a fan, student, professor, administrator or just a janitor at App State, this wasn't good.

Karma, though, is a funny thing. Between Lauren-Lindsay-Brittany-Caitlin, the national media dismissing Appalachian, Michigan overlooking the Mountaineer's pedigree and skill and team speed, the NCAA hosing I-AA football so badly over the last 15 years that no one realizes just how good a Cult champion really is and the sheer karmic folly of renaming I-AA the "FCS," the football gods were left with no choice.

Michigan was going down.

And the Football Gods smiled at Mike Hart

Mike Hart, the Heisman candidate and super-stud running back for Michigan, would not call the loss to Appalachian State "embarrassing."

"I wouldn't call it embarrassing because that takes away from [Appalachian State]," Hart said in an Associate Press story.

Had Hart not spent two quarters nursing a thigh injury, the Mountaineers might just be a cautionary "almost" tale for other Icon schools with Cult teams on the schedule. But the Michigan standout wasn't handing out excuses. Hart understands the quality of the football team his Wolverines lost to, a point lost on many pundits. He later said that the loss was tremendously disappointing, but not an embarrassment. The High Priest humbly inducts Mike Hart, an Icon school standout, into the Cult of I-AA as an honorary member.

Your sportsmanship and acknowledgement of your opponent's quality has been noted by the Football Gods and, I hope, by all Cult fans everywhere.

Oh yeah…

Nichols State also beat Rice. A top Cult program beats an Icon school and a good-not-great Cult squad hands a defeat to a I-A school that falls almost directly in the middle between the Icons and the Wannabes. I think we'll call those schools "Field Fillers."

If you're keeping track at home, here's how the World at Large sees Division I football:

Icons (USC, Ohio State, Florida, Nebraska, etc.)
Field Fillers (Vanderbilt, NC State, Rice, Baylor, Stanford)
Wannabes (Troy, Middle Tennessee, Louisiana-Monroe, Florida International)
The Cult

But here's the pecking order if you go by overall quality of play: Icons-Field Fillers-Top Cult Schools-Wannabes-The Rest of the Cult

An addendum

As a lifelong fan of Georgia Southern football, it hasn't been easy for me to put my finger on my feelings about the win. After all, App State is our most hated rival, the antithesis of Georgia Southern football and—honestly—the school in the Southern Conference that looks the most like Georgia Southern in terms of size, funding, programs and student body makeup.

It is as a journalist and the High Priest of I-AA that I can really experience the joys of the Great Upset. I met Appalachian head coach Jerry Moore in 1999 when I took over covering Georgia Southern for the Statesboro Herald. I played golf with him at the 2000 Southern Conference rouser and had the pleasure of chatting with him on many other occasions. He has always come across as a modest but self-assured football man, even when App State was the Phil Mickelson of I-AA before their back-to-back Cult titles in 2005 and again last year.

It is hard for a Blue-Bleeder to accept that Georgia Southern has come so close to iconic upsets (88 at Florida State, 91 at Auburn) only to see arch-rival Appalachian actually pull it off. But it would be impossible not to tip your hat toward the Boys from Boone.

All that is left is to hope that the Eagles kick their ass on October 20^th in Boone and then do the same to Georgia in next season's opener.

The Cult of I-AA: Fantasyland

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 03:50:00 +0000

The theme this week, my little gridiron sycophants, is fantasies. Not the fantasies you had about your seventh grade math teacher, either (although, man, that woman was hot—and I was 12 and just really didn't understand everything that was going on, but I liked it).

No, this is like the fantasy that Appalachian State has of somehow being the first Cult team to really, really, really shock the world and knock off a I-A Goliath. Of course, it won't happen. But just keeping the game respectable against such a powerhouse can be an amazing momentum-maker for a Cult school. In 2005, Appalachian kept things respectable against LSU on the way to the first on a currently ongoing string of I-AA championships.

Georgia Southern parlayed a 48-28 loss to Georgia where they scored more points against the Bulldogs than any opponent in 2004 (and forced Georgia head coach Mark Richt to re-insert his first team offense as the game got tight later than was comfortable) into a great season. That same year, Southern Illinois lost to Northern Illinois in overtime. Those two schools were ranked 1-2 much of the season. Ironically, both lost in the first round of the playoffs.

Speaking of New Hampshire (they ousted GSU in 2004), the Wildcats popped Northwestern in the mouth for one of the two biggest I-A upsets last year. The other was posted by Montana State, who humiliated Colorado. In all, more and more I-AA teams seemed to have close games and surprising wins against their big brothers last year than in any I can remember.

But none of them knocked off a team you'd think of as an iconic example of Big Time Football.

Florida State trailed Georgia Southern in 1989 in the fourth quarter only to pull away for a win that was more convincing on paper than on the field. The Citadel beat Arkansas, but the Razorbacks are not really iconic, although they play in college football's most amazing conference and traditionally field powerful squads. When they lost to the Bulldogs, they were still in with Oklahoma State, Baylor and that lot in the old Southwest Conference.

Still, here are the biggest games between the Icons and the Cult this weekend.

Appalachian at Michigan: The last time a two-time I-AA champ played a top 10 school, Georgia beat Georgia Southern 29-7. That's respectable. If App does that well in the Big House, they'll stay perched on top of the I-AA polls.

Youngstown State at Ohio State: This isn't the type of game it might have been in 1994, when Youngstown was racking up I-AA championships at an alarming rate. One reason might be that the guy patrolling the sidelines for the Penguins in 1994 (and 1991, 1993 and 1997) is now coaching the Buckeyes.

Western Carolina at Alabama: The Catamounts aren't even a good Southern Conference team. Alabama faced more of a challenge in their Spring Game. This is going to be worse than the first Persian onslaught against the Hot Gates in 300.

At this writing (which is a day late—sorry) Louisville (which is a great team but not an Icon) has already hammered the living shit out of Murray State. Seriously, a dazed Mr. Hanky was last seen heading toward Frankfurt wearing a Murray State t-shirt. I'm simply using this as an example of just what the other I-AA teams are up against when they go to The Big House, The Horseshoe and the Screaming Red Pit of Death and Destruction. And, oh yeah, Nick Saban will run up the score.

That's no fantasy.

"With the fifth selection, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers select Brian Westbrook"

Fantasy football used to be as much of a cult as the Division I subdivision in the sporting world. Fantasy football players were actually fantasy baseball geeks who got bored with (a) the offseason and (b) rotisserie scoring. The sport that was once the exclusive domain of box-score junkies and computer geeks with complicated spreadsheet formulas entered into Lotus 1-2-3 was revolutionized by the Internet. In fact, short of pornography and telephone chat lines, it is hard to think of many undertakings that have undergone a more gamma-irradiated transformation than fantasy football because of the Internet.

(And you were wondering how the Hulk tied in to this whole thing, weren't you?)

The High Priest completed his own fantasy draft Sunday night, picking 12^th in a 12-team league. Despite the poor position, my Bad Newz Kennels squad is loaded up with solid players. I'm fairly happy with my starting quarterback, half of my running back duo and both my wide outs. As for the tight end, defense and kicker, they are all serviceable (and interchangeable, let's be honest).

With a hundred dollar entry fee, the Greater Savannah Fantasy Football League (GSFFL) was no place to start getting cute with draft picks. But what if you were to put together a team comprised exclusively of players from the Cult?

Here are the rules: players must have played at least two years at a I-AA/FCS school and the school had to be a I-AA/FCS school while the player was there. The starting roster is one quarterback, two running backs, three wide receivers, one tight end, one kicker and a defense.

Here is the High Priest's all-Cult fantasy team:

QB—Tony Romo, Eastern Illinois (Dallas)
The 2002 Walter Payton Award winner is now America's Quarterback in Dallas. Romo had almost 3,000 yards and 19 touchdowns as he ascended the NFL consciousness. He's off the field goal unit, though.

RB—Brian Westbrook, Villanova (Philadelphia)
Another Payton award winner (2001), Westbrook is one of the most versatile backs in the league. Last season he had 11 total touchdowns and 1,916 total yards as a rusher and receiver, ranking him ahead of Heisman winner Reggie Bush in most fantasy guides.

RB—Brandon Jacobs, Southern Illinois (New York Giants)
Does anyone get the feeling that the NFC East scouts the Cult a little better than everyone else? Jacobs is the heir to Tiki Barber's throne after averaging a healthy 4.4 yards per carry last season. Now he just has to start calling out his coach and quarterback and it will be like Tiki never left.

WR—Terrell Owens, Chattanooga (Dallas)
He may not exactly be the starting X receiver for the All Fan Favorite team, but TO is still the best thing the Cult has going at this position. Even after losing a step, Owens still hauled in 13 touchdowns last year, and he's part of a Cult tandem with Tony Romo in Big D.

WR—Donald Driver, Alcorn State (Green Bay)
In college, Driver caught passes from Steve McNair at Alcorn State. In the pros, he's been paired up with Brett Favre and has made the most out of that opportunity. Even in a bad year for the Packers, Driver still caught eight touchdowns and accounted for just less than 1,300 yards.

WR—Marques Colston, Hofstra (New Orleans)
The surprise of the year last season, Colston outshone fellow rookie and Heisman winner Reggie Bush through much of the season. The pride of the Pride had four 100-yard games and hauled in eight touchdowns to bring some much-needed music to New Orleans.

TE—Eric Johnson, Yale (New Orleans)
The Saints become the second team with two Cult members on the starting offense. Johnson has been injury-plagued through his career, but when healthy in 2004 had almost 1,000 yards receiving.

K—Jeff Wilkins, Youngstown State (St. Louis Rams)
Amazingly, the only player on this fantasy roster with even a single I-AA championship ring is Wilkins, one of the top-rated kickers in all of the NFL. Wilkins was a perfect 3-for-3 from 50 yards and beyond last season and converted 32-of-37 field goal attempts overall.

Defense—Jacksonville Jaguars (Defensive coordinator: Mike Smith, East Tennessee State)

A solid defense coached by a former Cult player who also spent time on the coaching staff at Tennessee Tech. Honestly, the High Priest is taking input ion this one. Write in to him by emailing here.

And now for the reserves:

QB: Tavaris Jackson, Alabama State (Minnesota), a young guy still, Jackson has seemingly unlimited potential and follows in the proud footsteps of HBCU-turned-NFL star Steve McNair. Josh McCown, Sam Houston State (Oakland), With JaMarcus Russell holding out, McCown has finally started shine. Of course, in Oakland, crap shines when the light hits it just right. If you're drafting for pure production, Steve McNair (Alcorn State) and Kurt Warner (Northern Iowa) are winding down their careers. McNair is rated above McCown in most guides, but Warner is going to be behind Matt Leinart in Arizona until further notice.

RB: Adrian Peterson. Georgia Southern (Chicago). We still don't know what the real AP could do as an NFL starter, but since Cedric Benson is about as durable as frozen spaghetti, this might be our year to find out. Maurice Hicks, North Carolina A&T (San Francisco) If he can stay uninjured, Hicks might see more action and has plenty of potential. Marcell Shipp, UMass (Arizona) You know, if Edgerrin James goes out with an injury, Shipp could be a real asset to fantasy owners. And if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses when they jumped. Too bad, because Shipp has been capable in the past.

WR: Two sounds—Brian Finneran's screams of pain as his knee implodes (again) and the sounds of crickets chirping. What, Mike Furrey, Northern Iowa (Detroit)? Okay, we'll take it! Furrey did have over 1,000 yards last year and six touchdowns. Of course, the Lions went out and drafted Calvin Johnson, so that is going to eat into those numbers a good bit.

TE: [Insert more sound of crickets chirping]

K: Rob Bironas, Georgia Southern (Tennessee) beat the Colts with a 60-yard game winner. Not so hot on the routine kicks, though.

DEF: No, really. Somebody just mail in some suggestions. This has already taken up waaaay more of my time than I'm willing to dedicate without getting paid.

What I will be doing is putting my fantasy team up against the Cult of I-AA All Stars each week using the GSFFL scoring system. I'll substitute I-AA guys when bye weeks arise. Email players from I-AA I might have missed at any position.

Up each week against the Cult All Stars will be Bad Newz Kennels:

QB: Carson Palmer, Cincinnati
RB1: Reggie Bush, New Orleans
RB2: DeAngelo Williams, Carolina
WR1: Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis
WR2: Roy Williams, Detroit
TE: Jeremy Shockey, New York Giants
DEF: Carolina Panthers
K: Jason Elam, Denver

Don't bitch at me… Westbrook and Owens were both taken when I had them as my next picks.

As for the reserves:

Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit
J.P. Losman, QB, Buffalo
Greg Jennings, WR, Green Bay
T.J. Duckett, RB, Detroit
Drew Bennett, WR, St. Louis
Ben Troupe, TE, Tennessee

I know, three players from the Detroit Lions. But Roy Williams is a solid WR no matter who is tossing the pigskin, Calvin Johnson is one of the only rookie picks worth considering and T.J. Duckett has the potential to be a touchdown hawk as a short-yardage power runner. Think Mike Alstott, only with a lot fewer actual skills.

No matter—Bad Newz Kennels features a lot of guys with Heisman hardware and big school credibility against the Cult All-Stars. I think the Cult team will acquit itself nicely. I'll keep you posted each week.

Fantasy of a different sort

That's right, it's time again for the weekly Cult Babe. Remember, your suggestions are welcome for new Cult Babes, particularly ones with a tie in to Cult schools. In that vein, I decided to trot out an "oldie but goodie," past Cult Babe Mira Sorvino. An honor grad at Harvard, perhaps Miss Sorvino could take up the Cult's cause and get the Ivy League to put its champion into the I-AA playoffs and see what happens. Every time I slammed the Ivy in 2004, a horde of defenders seemed to fly out of the woodwork, but I maintain with a healthy fervor that until the SWAC and Ivy take part in the playoffs and show what they have, we relegate them to Division I-AA ½. That'll teach 'em.

Get ready for tearful acceptance speeches

When I wrote this column in 2004, I ran an ongoing reader-supported feature to choose the greatest single I-AA team of all time. Marshall's 1996 team topped the list easily despite some protestations that the Thundering Herd's transition to I-A was already in such full swing that they essentially were already I-A Lite. However, since transition rules (or Marshall Rules) were only put in place after 1996, the Thundering Herd's choice as I-AA's top squad stood.

Now I want to create a Cult of I-AA Hall of Fame.

That's right, the NFL has Canton, the College Football Hall of Fame has South Bend and the Cult of I-AA has Lanier Drive. There's no better place, actually—if the home of Notre Dame can host the college football hall, then an apartment across the street from Paulson Stadium, where Georgia Southern's Division Leading six national championship flags fly, should be just fine for our hall.

So I am officially taking nominations from any interested party for the inaugural class of Cult Hall of Fame inductees in the following categories:

Programs: Schools that have HOF credentials as an institution for accomplishments made at the I-AA level since its inception in 1978.

Coaches: Based on their impact while at the I-AA level, with consideration of other career achievements being factored in as well.

Players: We'll look for players at every position, including offensive line and kicker.

Innovators/Administrators/Media: Folks who influenced the game away from the playing field.

Here's my email link again. I'll take ballots for quite some time while I try to assemble a crack staff of voters for the inaugural class of Cult Hall of Famers.

Quick picks

Because it's late Friday night and I'm waiting for the Mega-Millions numbers to come up, we'll make this short and sweet. I've done minimal research on these games, so these picks are mostly out of the blue. But they'll still count toward my season total, which I'll track in each week's column.

MICHIGAN over Appalachian State
OHIO STATE over Youngstown State
NOTHWESTERN over Northeastern (the Compass Bowl)
FLORIDA A&M over Southern
THE CITADEL over Charleston Southern
CAL POLY over Texas State
KENTUCKY over Eastern Kentucky
MARYLAND over Villanova
PORTLAND STATE over McNeese State

That's keeping it simple for this week. I mean really simple. Next week, I'll put together a more comprehensive series of picks.

Until then, don't share the secret handshake.

What, is EVERYBODY thinking about sex?

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 23:19:00 +0000

Recent blog posts I found utterly hilarious. They happen to both be about sex.

From author Larry Doyle's site, a tale of high school fornication.

Of course, you can just wait until you're married, as Katrina so eloquently informed her curious 8-year-old daughter. Non-fornication can be funny, too.

I swear to God, Opie, you'd better keep the comments at least PG-13 or I'll lock out anyone from the state of Maryland from leaving a comment.

Class postponed (and other news)

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:03:00 +0000

The syllabus here at Lanier Drive has been adjusted to accommodate the Dean's rapidly expanding schedule which now includes: being the temporary permanent replacement at United Distributors for a departed salesman, trying hectically to get a wedding to come together, bills & housework, loving support to the Institute's head librarian as she immerses herself in graduate school, house hunting, freelance writing, playwriting and managing a fantasy football team.

Here's the plan. Note that it is a PLAN.

Thursday: my usual piece on Georgia Southern football will appear over on SouthernFACTS.org. If you like GSU football, give it a look-see. This week's topic: why the two-party system doesn't work, even for football fans.

Friday: "The Cult of I-AA." More sports. I'll be going over the fantasy football impact of players from I-AA schools, dissecting the interesting matchups in week one of the college football season (as they apply to I-AA, of course), introducing the "Cult Hall of Fame," putting up pictures of more Cult Babes and giving my thoughts on other college football matters. There's always a little pop culture thrown in there, too, so even if you're indifferent toward I-AA football, comb through and see if there's something else you like.

Sunday: The long awaited second lesson in the POP101 Class: The Six Laws of Pop Culture. In this lesson, it will become clear how the Six Laws came to life thanks to celebrity meltdowns.

Monday: A new post for the Erk blog—some people still don't know the story of Erk Russell, and whether you are a diehard GSU football fan or just one of my occasional readers in Idaho (and other parts unknown), this story has real magic. Check it out.

I'm looking for the next "Meet the Faculty" interviewee, so any suggestions would be welcome. I just need someone with the ability to write coherently and something to say about pop culture and/or the world at large.

Meet the Faculty: Old school, you dig?

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 03:00:00 +0000

We now finish the August edition of "Meet the Faculty," picking up where we left off in part two, with favorite movies dominating the conversation between the Dean and long-lost high school friend Katrina "the she-elf of death" Swaim. Part one is here, by the way.

Scott: Before I let you off the hook completely, I really want to talk about two more topics. The first is Harry Potter.

Aside from the final book, which of the individual installments was your favorite (and least favorite, relatively speaking, of course)?

Katrina: I also love lamp!

Here's the problem with making a list of favorite movies: as soon as you're done with it, you think of ten more movies that should have been added to it! I loved your list, and was nodding and smiling most of the way through it in agreement. We'll have to part ways when it comes to Tarantino, though. While I appreciate something of his style (and he directed one of my all-time favorite CSI episodes, where Nick was buried alive), I'm not a huge fan of the bloodbath as an art form.

Sliding Doors and Love, Actually are great recommendations, too. Sliding Doors necessarily makes us wonder about the importance of small moments to our own lives, and I love the vignettes in Love, Actually. There's a universal recognition in these movies of the risks we willingly assume when we open ourselves up to loving another person, and the courage it takes to remold our expectations of love to the shape of its realities.

Now on to Harry Potter. The question you asked comes up a lot in discussions between fans, and so far I've yet to meet anyone who shares my opinion, but my favorite of the seven novels is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix . It's dark, and distressing, and the persecution that Harry has always suffered increases exponentially as the Ministry of Magic acts through Delores Umbridge to isolate and silence him. This backdrop of desperation and helpless frustration serves as a perfect foil for the formation of Dumbledore's Army, and it is here, as he instructs and prepares his handful of faithful and courageous friends (the strength of that friendship being one of the pervasive themes of the series), that we first see a glimpse of the Harry who has it in him to face Voldemort in the cataclysmic final battle. I love the transition as Harry, who has always been acted upon by Voldemort and his minions, begins, now, to act.

Other things to enjoy: Fred and George Weasley's final "farewell" to Hogwarts, Hermione finally revealing her subversive streak, the intense battle at the Ministry between the Death Eaters and the Order, Dumbledore going mad monkey on Voldemort, the power of the press in awakening the wizarding world to danger (if The Quibbler can be classified as "the press"), the not-entirely-complimentary glimpse Harry gets of his father through Snape's memories, and wonderful, heroic Neville. I *heart* Neville Longbottom.

As for least favorite HP book, that's harder. As a true fan, I love them all, and where I love, I'm more than willing to overlook any faults. I suppose, as the weakest link in a strong chain, I'd pick Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. While it is enjoyable to read and full of delightful details, it doesn't do as much to advance the overall story as the other novels. It gives us more of life at Hogwarts, more descriptions of Quidditch games, more instances of the deepening friendship between Harry, Hermione, and Ron, and another Voldemort-engineered attack on Harry, but it doesn't add significantly the Harry/Voldemort story arc, except in retrospect, through observations in subsequent books. Having said that, I still love it. Moaning Myrtle, polyjuice potion, Ginny Weasley's crush on Harry, parseltongue, mudbloods, Dobby--all were introduced in this book, and have taken their place in the history of HP's fictional world. So when I say it's the weak link, that's not saying a lot.

By the way, I listened to "Kill the Mullet" yesterday, and it's still stuck in my head. So thanks for that.

Scott: I thought the success of the Potter books hinged on different aspects of the storytelling as the series—and Harry—grew up. Through the first four books, much of what made the characters work was that the story was contemporary. Remember, if you go by the strict timeline of the books, Deathly Hallows' final battle took place in the spring of 1998. Yet because Rowling removed her characters from Muggle society and created a whole new milieu for her young characters to interact in, she was able to separate youth culture from popular culture. Her wizarding youth culture effectively created a wizarding pop culture that centered around Quiddich, The Wyrd Sisters and other recognizable aspects of Muggle pop culture turned into something that worked in her world. In the process, her young characters felt that much more real. They had the same interests, fears, triumphs and setbacks as preteens and teenagers everywhere. Through the first four books, establishing this cultural context not only made her world that much more real to the reader, it made us connect with those characters that much more. Going back to what I said earlier—I think all the best stories have a window through which the reader can project themselves. Whether you identified with Ron, Harry or Hermione, a reader could see very real and identifiable aspects of human nature in a story fraught with the otherworldly.

Beginning in Prisoner of Azkaban, the continuity of the books begins to play a more and more significant role, obviously. You could likely begin reading the Harry Potter series with any of the first four books, but after book three, there would be more significant holes in your understanding of the story. Using anything after Goblet of Fire as a starting point for your Harry Potter experience (assuming, of course, you haven't cheated and started with the movies) is out of the question. Since Rowling did such a good job of creating the HP universe in the first four books, she could proceed full steam with the story in the final three volumes—which she does with amazing effectiveness.

That said, Goblet was my favorite book aside from the final and Order of the Phoenix was my least so—like you, though, the difference between fave and least so is such a small gap it is barely worth mentioning. I just thought that some of Harry's surliness in Order felt a little forced. I found myself feeling like Dumbledore and the others weren't paying enough attention to Harry, despite the young wizard's obvious status as The Chosen One.

The more I read the Harry Potter books, the more I began to see that particularly in the last three volumes, the story was as much about the relationship between teens and adults. I know your own children are still a few years away from the "terrible teens," but I wonder if you didn't take a few thoughts away from the Dumbledore-Harry, Harry-Sirius, Snape-Dumbledore-Harry, Harry-Weasley-parents, Harry-Dursleys relationships when you think about your own children.

Katrina: I think the adults we like the most in HP are the ones who relate to the teenagers in the story as if they are intelligent, independent thinkers, who, while they still need adult guidance and counsel, are capable of making decisions and acting in a substantial way on the world around them. They talk to teenagers as if they are people, showing them respect and offering them the gift of trust for as long as they honor that trust with their actions. I'm thinking here of Sirius, Dumbledore, Mr. Weasley, Lupin, Moody, etc. As a parent, I'm afraid I'm more a Mrs. Weasley type, myself, but that could just be the function of having small children. I hope to evolve. :)

I think that independence (the main bone of contention at the center of the teenager/adult tug-of-war) should be gifted gradually but decisively over the course of the teenage years. If independence is a swimming pool, I hope to let my kids walk down the steps, learn their way through the shallow end while I'm still near enough to play lifeguard, and become confident swimmers before the water rises over their heads. The alternative, often seen in child-centered homes where overprotective or over involved parents reign (Dudley's, for example), is to toss them unceremoniously into the deep end of the pool on the day they leave the house (if they ever do!), to flounder around, trying to stay afloat, or possibly to sink straight to the bottom---drowning, ironically, because we were afraid to let them get in the water.

Now that's my intellectual assent to the concept; as to how it works in real life, you'll have to get back to me in 10 or 20 years.

Scott: And finally, we're in the home stretch: I thought I would wrap up my portion of this little conversation by playing the nostalgia card.

Because my family moved away from Atlanta the summer after our senior year, I lost touch with almost everyone I knew in high school over time. Honestly, through college and well after, I was almost constantly reinventing myself, it seemed. I guess given the opportunities, I tried on a lot of different hats in life, some of them ugly, some of them a little tattered but full of character and some perfectly fine, just not on me. I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin until I was about 30, and until I read the book I Love You, Beth Cooper (and, more recently saw Superbad) did I realize that since turning 30, my personality has been more like it was in high school than some new invention forged through the fires of trail-and-error over time.

This is what amazes me about you. When we were just kids (or what I would call kids now; sheesh, I'm getting old) you were the most genuine person I knew. I remember days when you could get an entire group of people to smile and laugh just by being your everyday self. This isn't to say that I didn't also observe you change in the ways that 13-18 year-old girls do, shifting your interests and exploring a rapidly widening world.

I remember your cheer, your laughter and your writing, which I am jealous of to this day. I told a coworker recently about you in the context of describing the different types of good writers.

"Writers like me," I said, "are good writers because we wanted to be writers, decided to be writers and worked hard for a long time to be good writers. My friend Katrina," I went on, "(and my friend Mike, but this isn't about him) are good writers because they have the ears and voices of poets. I can describe a scene to you and it will be a good description—you will see the scene I create. But when Katrina paints a picture, you feel it. You see it and smell it and hear it and it touches you almost physically. Every moment of her life seems to affect her that same way. Or at least she perceives and remembers those moments better than regular people."

Every now and then, since high school, I zone in and really write something special, something that goes beyond words and reaches inside a person and plucks a string and resonates with truth. Every time I've done that for the last 12 years, I've thought of it as "Katrina writing."

Reading your blog and hearing the stories of your family and your wonderful Luna Lovegood life, I think I recently came to understand that like your disposition in high school, the quality of your writing has more to do with being unafraid to be an individual (and suffer the slings and arrows, etc. etc.) than it does with being the cool kid or the next Jane Austin.

I'm glad we've reconnected, and I'm glad you've taken the time to do this little interview. Obviously, I plan to stay in touch—although I'll quit posting our emails on the blog, of course.

As always, my "Meet the Faculty" guests get the last word. The floor is open to you, madam. Play the nostalgia card yourself, opine on the merits of your favorite ice cream flavor, describe your master plan to clone your husband and deliver him to needy single women all over the globe—whatever you like, as long as you like. Me bloga es tu bloga.

Katrina: Wow, what can I say after all that love? I'm totally going to devote myself to trying to live up to the person I am in your generous, teen-spirit-tinted memories. I rather like the picture you paint of us, and what you wrote about my writing just washed over me in a warm, delicious wave. What a lovely thing to say. Thank you, my friend. I have only this to amend your observations: that you, in fact, belong to a third category of writers—those happy few in whom natural talent and hard work are united. If it weren't for those writers, the rest of us wouldn't have anything to read. I see only good things ahead in your ever-unfolding career.

Yeah, we were kids. And we still are, largely. I don't know about you, but most days I feel about seventeen inside. I keep waiting for wisdom and knowledge to zap me like a lightning bolt from above and turn me into one of those perceptive, courageous, insightful adults I've always wanted to be, like Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. I wouldn't even mind the scorch marks on my butt if I could suddenly know the answers to questions like "Why can't we all just get along?" and "How do you change people's hearts?" (Or even "What's so hard about filling up the ice cube tray after you empty it, guys?")

Whatever the road you took to get there, I have no trouble imagining you as some near-permutation of your high school self, sitting at your keyboard, typing away, face split by the occasional grin as the words come out just the way you want them, gleefully turning over old memories like rocks to see what's still growing beneath them. That's the advantage of this type of correspondence. The intervening years, the ones we haven't witnessed, might as well not exist. It's still Friday night at the Steak 'N Shake.

So as I consider the merits of your husband-cloning suggestion (upside: more radiantly happy women in the world, downside: a global explosion of cheesy one-liners), and dish up a bowl of the best ice cream ever (Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip), let me just thank you for the opportunity to participate in this conversation. It's been a fun experience, and one I'd love to repeat in person one of these days.

Meet the Faculty: “Hurricane” Katrina, Pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 13:26:00 +0000

We continue with part two of our faculty interview with Idaho Potato Queen Katrina Swaim, an old high school friend of the Dean. If you missed part one, you'll want to read it or some of this segment will seem more disjointed than even regular readers are accustomed to.

Scott: So we both like good literature. That's fine and well, but let me pose you a question I asked my last interviewee: what are your guilty pleasures, artistically speaking?

Katrina: I used to love to read Stephen King. His eye for the minutiae of moment-to-moment human experience and his great feel for thrusting Everyman into the most unthinkable situations just to see how his inner strengths and weaknesses come to the fore make him one of my favorite authors. So many of his protagonists are writers, too, that one can't help but notice his fascination for the half-practical, half-mystical process of writing. It's as if even he doesn't know where it comes from sometimes. I bet his book, On Writing, has a lot of great insights.

Your point about Aragorn [from the last post, campers—SG] is well taken. I admit I've never considered him in that light before, but now that I do, I wonder that I could have overlooked the parallels between Christ and Aragorn. He comes, unlooked for, from the least likely quarter, in the garb of a commoner. His return, though long foretold, has ceased to be expected and has nearly receded into the realm of myth. His claim is unwelcome by those who have profited in power or wealth in his absence (true of pre-crucifixion Christ, too, if you remember the Sanhedrin). I've always considered Frodo, with his sacrifice and enslavement to the quest, to be the central savior figure of LotR, but now that I look at it more closely, you're quite right. The triumphant return of the King is the pinnacle of the gospel story. Perhaps Frodo, in a sense, is us--our personal journeys of discovery and purpose, serving a power higher than ourselves and being transformed by that power. Hmmm... You've given me lots of delicious food for thought.

And now, speaking of delicious, you asked me about my pop culture guilty pleasures. Wherever shall I start?

World of Warcraft, that massive multiplayer online role-playing game of geek legend, claimed another victim on the day I created my first character, a night elf druid blessed with incredible healing powers and a nineteen-inch waist. What started as a show of marital solidarity ended in a full-blown gaming addiction, and though I don't play as much as I used to, I still spend an unhealthy amount of time at the keyboard in pitched combat against the ravaging Horde. Player vs. player skirmishes are my favorite aspect of the game. There's a certain delight in knowing, as I smack down a level 70 orc mage, that some guy in Toledo is slamming his keyboard against his head in frustration.

Procedural dramas: CSI (the New York cast is the best), Criminal Minds, Law & Order. I shouldn't watch as much as I do; add in an episode of Without a Trace and a dose of the local news and I'm a hair's breadth away from becoming an agoraphobic and installing a five thousand dollar home security system in our two bedroom apartment.

The Joss Whedon Sci Fi Channel series Firefly is one of my favorite pieces of science-fiction. Though short-lived (only fourteen episodes and a movie), it paired everything I love about space adventure with all the best elements of a classic western. The characters are engaging and the dialogue is witty and entertaining. I only discovered the series after it had already been cancelled, but I was glued to the DVDs from start to finish.

iPod. From the moment I saw it, I knew I had to join the ranks of those crazy silhouette dancers with the telltale white earbuds. I love iTunes, too (but don't get me started on the DRM). In my foolish youth, I scoffed at the idea of downloading music online, maintaining a purist's attachment to holding a glistening CD in my grubby hands rather than deal with the dubious attractions of bits and bytes. Now I can't click the "Buy It" button fast enough. I recently downloaded the best of Bon Jovi, and I can barely describe the great satisfaction of cruising down the road while my daughter joins me in crooning "Keep the Faith" from the backseat.

The Office, Star Wars, superhero movies, Bridezillas, Janet Evanovich books, Starbucks, YouTube, and X-Files complete my list of transgressions. Now that you know, will you use the knowledge for good or evil?

Scott: Wow, you play WoW.

I tried to get started on it and had a good time for a little while. Essentially, the game is just Dungeons & Dragons set online, and I misspent enough of my high school years playing that incredible waste of time with Chris Dunbar. Between D&D and having a mad crush on Katie Jaffe, my first two years of high school were pretty much booked.

Alas, I was just too late coming to the party for World of Warcraft. There were entire societies and economies and languages that used words like "noob" already in place. Plus, every time I got my ass handed to me in one-on-one combat, I thought of a pimply-faced 15-year old (probably very much like myself at 15) chugging down his fifth Red Bull and doing the Tiger Woods fist pump while I gathered up my pride like spilt notebooks in C Hall and mumbled about how I had seen Def Leppard, Don Henley and the Who by 15—what the hell had he done?

Just too much frustration for a relaxing activity.

This blog is pretty much dedicated to my guilty pleasures, so I won't go into a long list. But I was thinking about how we are finally reconnecting after over a decade incommunicado (which has been, by the way, a real treat) and I started thinking about the movies we used to love in high school. I even bought Dead Poet's Society the other day.

My fiancé Jessica saw Uncle Buck for the first time the other day (she's 10 years younger than I am, so she was still learning multiplication tables when the flick came out—I shudder) and I caught myself thinking that no matter how dated the outfits and music seemed, the themes of those good high school movies were still standing up. I'm thinking about the whole John Hughes lineup—Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller, etc.—as well as some of the classics like Say Anything. I even found myself looking at the two-for-eleven rack at Wal-Mart hoping to come across The Lost Boys on DVD.

Since we last talked on a regular basis—and for the sake of argument, we'll say that was 1996—what have been your favorite movies, and why? Anything from 1997 to the present is fair game, and Lord of the Rings is already in. You can always check the release of a movie with Internet Movie Database. I'll give you my list and reasons after you send yours along.

Katrina: The online version of Dungeons & Dragons? Oh, the calumny! I've never rolled a ten-sided die in my life, I'll have you know. Many intelligent, socially adjusted, non-LARP-inclined, emotionally healthy people play WoW, and if you were still playing, I'd track you across the land of Azeroth and smite you down with my Staff of Divine Infusion in comeuppance for your scorn!

Okay, so I am a geek.

Which brings us to favorite movies, post-1996. I could probably name a lot of movies I appreciated for their artistic merit or sensitive treatment of an important subject, but I'd rather talk about the ones I truly love, the ones that we've added to our DVD collection and watch over and over, the ones I pop in when I'm sick, or the apartment is too quiet, or I want to laugh or cry or hug myself as the happy ending soaks into me again. So here we go.

Pride and Prejudice: I own two versions of this, and love each one on its own merits. The much-longer A&E/BBC version (I'm cheating a little since it was released in 1995, though I didn't see it till a few years later) boasts the quintessential Mr. Darcy in Colin Firth, and is five hours of delightful human interplay rolled up in period costumes and true-to-the-book dialogue. The more recent feature film preserves all the spirit of Austen's wit and social commentary, but with a faster, more cinematic pacing and a romantic ending scene more tailored to American sensibilities. I watch them both regularly, sometimes one right after the other. A lot of my other favorite movies walk around in these same shoes: Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, Jane Eyre, The Importance of Being Earnest, Emma. Clearly, I have a thing for costume dramas.

Phantom of the Opera: A beautiful send-up of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, starring (hubba, hubba!) Gerard Butler in the titular role. Webber noted in the extra features that he chose the non-classically trained Butler to give the Phantom something of a "rock-and-roll" edge to his voice. The effect is outstanding! Though I've come around to believing that Christine made the better choice in staying with Raoul, don't think for a moment that the gothic romance of life with the captivating Phantom in his sparkling underground labyrinth didn't hold some allure.

Dear Frankie: Another Gerard Butler film (yes, I admit to having a little celebrity crush), Dear Frankie is a poignant, slow-moving character drama set in Scotland. It centers around Frankie, a young deaf boy, and his mother, who secretly writes Frankie letters purporting to be from his seafaring father. This loving, interested fictional father is as far from the harsh reality as can be, and the story of Frankie's real father unfolds throughout the course of the movie. All is well, however, until the ship that supposedly carries Frankie's dad turns out to be a real ship and is scheduled to dock in their small port town. His mother is forced to either abandon the charade or enlist the help of a mysterious stranger to take part in it. A beautiful, moving, sweet treasure of a movie. I see something new every time I watch it.

Mystery Men: "Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today." "Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry?" "This is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common or garden variety scientist." "We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of...not bickering." Best superhero lampoon ever. We quote it all the time.

The Fifth Element: It's Die Hard meets Star Wars, a piece of pulpy sci-fi that is fast and fun and, best of all, never apologizes for its over-the-top plot or its campy style. Pure entertainment. Also, Gary Oldman. What more needs to be said?

Elizabethtown: This film was something of a flop, critically speaking, but it just touched me in all the right spots, from the word "fiasco." Things to love: Alec Baldwin's turn as Drew's terrifyingly upbeat and cold-blooded boss, Drew and Claire's all night cell phone call and their subsequent adoption into a drunken stranger's wedding party, Claire's road-trip-to-emotional-healing map and accompanying soundtrack, Susan Sarandon's interpretive funeral dance, "Free Bird" setting the hotel conference room on fire, and on and on. As far as I'm concerned, the critics can stick it in their popcorn bowl.

The Harry Potter series: It's a tall order, bringing to life a beloved fictional world from a set of books that has enjoyed as much popularity as J.K. Rowling's finally finished masterwork. Despite a parade of different directors, I've been thrilled with every one of the Harry Potter movies thus far released. Great special effects, attention to story, and careful casting have served the transition from book to movie well, owing, no doubt, to an extraordinary amount of involvement by the author herself as a consultant in the filmmaking process. I can't wait to see (and own) the final two installments.

I really could go on and on, but I'm so interested to hear your list that I'm going to stop there. Great question, though. I love movies. I love seeing them in the theatre with a bladder-buster sized Diet Coke in my hand, and I love watching them at home snuggled up next to my honey under a warm blanket. Netflix is the most painless bill I pay every month and I rarely go grocery shopping without picking up a new DVD. And felicity of felicities, Paul and I have a remarkably similar taste in movies (except for a long-running debate we have concerning Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, but I won't air our dirty laundry here.)

So, lay it on me. What movies do you love? And do you usually get your way at the movie store?

Scott: Top notch list.

If you liked Mystery Men, check out this clip (the language is bleeped before going rated 'R' but still not for little tiny ears):

Yep. Many of these guys are my friends. "Liquid Courage" actually has his own blog in my sidebar (look under "Derek"). We're waiting to see if Rev. Jake can play at our wedding (he's currently touring with a country music band that has been on the Billboard charts with a tune called, "Kill the Mullett"—you can't make this stuff up).

I also love The Fifth Element, if only to hear Milla Jovovich say "awtowash" and "moolti-pass." I get tingly. She is perfect.

My most quotable movie since 1996 is Anchorman. I nearly peed myself in the theater the first time I saw the movie. Considering that I was alone in the theater and I laugh very loudly, I think some of the other patrons were a little afraid. "What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing." "Sweet Lincoln's mullet!" "I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches."

I'm also awfully fond of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Since Knocked Up was good and the same guys are doing Superbad, I'm very stoked about going to the movies this weekend and laughing like a hyena. And yes, I'm an Office fan.

Swingers was fantastic, also. When I was moving back to Georgia from Reno, my dad and I had been in the moving van for about five hours (of a three day trip) and were just outside of Las Vegas. I suddenly yelled, "Vegas, baby! Vegas!" He hadn't seen the movie and was mostly just startled.

So, yeah, my sense of humor has actually gotten more juvenile since you knew me in high school.

Away from comedy, I really like Quentin Tarantino. Kill Bill (1 & 2) are fantastic movies, and although they aren't pre-1996, I love the trio of Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs and True Romance (which Quentin Tarantino wrote, but Tony Scott directed—a masterpiece). Pulp Fiction changed my life, really, in terms of how I see storytelling. I think it is the most important movie of the last 20 years. So, yeah, I'm a geek, too. The thing is that Tarantino just has this way of creating a mood with everything from costumes to set dressing to camera shots to his direction of the actors. Jessica watches Kill Bill about every 10-12 days.

I have a parallel to your list, too—when you sited Elizabethtown, you hit on my favorite writer/director of coming-of-age flicks, Cameron Crowe. I think Almost Famous is the best movie of that ilk since Crowe did Say Anything. On an unrelated note, the song "Come Pick Me Up" which is the centerpiece of the "road trip CD" sequence is one of the songs I love most to play on guitar. Yep. Since high school, I've taken up guitar. I can play maybe a dozen songs. That's one of them.

What I loved about Almost Famous, though, is how much the story is about just loving something and someone, no matter what. After my brother and I went to see Cracker earlier this summer, we got to meet the band. We gushed. At one point, he turned to me and said, "dude, we are such band aids."

"So what," I said.

In typical guy fashion I loved 300 and Saving Private Ryan (although HBO's miniseries Band of Brothers is even better). I like the idea of putting your loyalties ahead of yourself, which permeated both of those movies.

And lest you think I have forgotten my roots in the theater and our AP English class, I really fell for Shakespeare in Love.

Since '96 I have also really, really become a fan of two films that would be considered "chick" flicks: Sliding Doors and Love, Actually. I was going to list Beautiful Girls, but it came out in 1996.

Both Sliding Doors and Love, Actually are British comedies, which may say something about how much more deftly the Brits deal with their romance. There are all the same themes in these two comedies as a typical American chick flick, but without all the whiney angst that seems to seethe out of the collective American psyche. Each has some really poignant lessons, too, and while Love, Actually has some of the typical feel-good moments you'd expect from a Saturday night date movie, there are also some crushing moments and ambiguous endings in the ensemble comedy/drama. I actually thought about suggesting this movie to you when I read about your marriage class.

As far as battling over movies, Jess and I are like you and Paul—we like pretty much the same stuff. Even when she was reluctant to go see Transformers, she found herself enjoying the movie.

Monday: The grand finale—of this interview and of the Harry Potter series. We cover it all and return to 1991 in suburban Atlanta. Jeeze, Mr. Peabody, whatever will we see there? I don't know, Sherman. I don't know.

The Cult of I-AA: Elvis is in the building

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:18:00 +0000

When Jerry Glanville came to the Atlanta Falcons, the team still wore red helmets and jerseys, drew almost no one to home games and even managed to botch the top draft picks they earned with their catastrophic play on the field. Glanville changed Falcons' motif to Johnny Cash, left tickets for Elvis, took the birds to the playoffs twice and generally managed to keep everyone's attention off the losses when the Falcons weren't "2 Legit 2 Quit."

If you've been a Falcons' fan as long as I have, this pretty much puts Glanville in the Falcons' coaching Hall of Fame with Dan Reeves and Leeman Bennett. It's pretty grim being a Falcons' fan.

If Glanville has even close to the positive effect on Portland State that he had on the lowly Atlanta Falcons, fans of the Vikings could be rejoicing like fat Elvis at an all-night waffle bar. In case you missed it, Glanville is joining the Cult of I-AA as the Vikings' new head coach.

And the High Priest wants to take a few moments to congratulate him.

It would have been easy for Glanville to continue enjoying the sunny perfection of Hawaii, where he was serving as the defensive coordinator for another ex-Falcons' coach, June Jones. It would have been easy to return to television, where he was as adept as any ex-jock or ex-coach to take up the mic and twice as entertaining. My dream "Monday Night Football" broadcast booth would be Glanville, Dennis Miller and the corpse of Howard Cosell in a four-man booth with Pat Summerall calling the action.

But I digress.

It isn't like Glanville is inheriting a bare cupboard, either. On short notice, Glanville took over for Tim Walsh when the former PSU head man joined Army as offensive coordinator. The Vikings went 7-4 last season, and were just one touchdown from beating Montana and entering at least the playoff discussion. In fact, the Vikings have had solid stretches of play going back to the 2003 season—Portland State has just fallen a little shy of capitalizing, particularly late in the season.

Glanville might just be the man to change that type of performance.

Some coaches just fit the college game better than the pro one. Pete Carroll at Southern California is a great example. The Rah-rah attitude and enthusiasm may not have caught on among the guys getting paid to play, but things seem to be working out okay at USC.

Glanville, too, has the kind of charisma that made him popular with the players even in The League. He'll have the Vikings running like their hair is on fire and their asses are catching. He'll make his team meaner between the lines than Mike Vick's guard dog. He'll have the Utah Chapter of the Flying Elvises parachute in for the season opener. Okay, I made up the last part (I hope).

Most of all, he'll help the Vikings by drawing attention to them.

In I-AA, even the powerhouses can get ignored. Montana has some key advantages because, hell, it's the University of Montana. You could cross Georgia and South Carolina and not cover the distance between UM and, well, civilization.

Georgia Southern is within a modest drive of Georgia, Georgia Tech, Alabama, Auburn, Florida and Florida State. Appalachian State is more or less next door neighbors to Virginia Tech, Tennessee, NC States, West Virginia and a few other I-A powers (as well as also-ran football schools like North Carolina and Duke). Youngstown State has four I-AA national titles, but still toils in the very long shadow of Big 10 football—particularly Ohio State, who even robbed the Penguins of their most successful football coach.

Until now, the most recognizable name associated with Portland State might have been Hugh Hefner squeeze Holly Madison. Glanville will add some non-bimbo name recognition to a program bookended by Oregon and Oregon State and overshadowed in its own division by schools like Montana, Montana State and eastern Washington. Just a little name recognition goes a long way in I-AA, too. The last recognizable name to transition to I-AA was former Georgia defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder and… okay, bad example. How about Erk Russell, who started up the Georgia Southern program from scratch as a household name among Southern football fans and won three national titles? That's a little better, and more appropriate, since by all accounts Glanville has plenty of personality where BVG had, ahh, a moustache. Sort of.

It's usually the other way around in I-AA. Great coaches get their head coaching break with the smaller program, then get snapped up a la Jim Tressell, Paul Johnson or Bobby Johnson. To see a "name" coach willingly move into a position in the Cult is nice, and as a fan of both the subdivision and the Atlanta Falcons, I hope Glanville does well.

Make Elvis proud, Jerry.

Lost and found

Lost: One NFL quarterback, high mileage, big luggage rack for excess baggage. Last seen at PetSmart. Scratch that. Last seen in federal court.

Found: Former Payton award winning quarterback. Currently residing in the sovereign nation of Texas under the direction of owner/head coach Jerry Jones. Not meant for special teams play.

Lost: Starting running back for the Chicago Bears. Injury-prone. Not actually lost yet, but Cult fans are hoping.

Found: Perfectly good NFL running back on Chicago bench. Division I's all-time leading rusher.

Lost: Brittany Spears' dignity.

Found: Panties, unused. (Sorry, I know Brittany jokes are so two Lindsay Lohan DUIs ago).

"Lost:" This week's Cult Babe, Evangaline Lilly. The High Priest would like to end up on a desert island with her. Only without all the crazy Others and man-eating smoke and crackhead rock stars. Of course, the soon-to-be High Priestess might veto said island excursion.

Lost: The next 1,500 words for this column.

Found: Next week's "Cult of I-AA," featuring a rundown of the rankings, week one predictions, a ballot for the Cult Hall of Fame and the All-Cult Fantasy Team. in other words, something more like last week's yak-fest. Up next Thursday or Friday.

Note to pet lovers

No animals were harmed in the writing of this column. I mean, I accidentally kicked the cat, but that little sumbitch is always hiding out under the desk and I always forget to look. As for all the Mike Vick jokes, I laugh to keep from crying. My favorite pro football team is in the hands of—oh, God—Joey Harrington, which is just a step better than having Joey Buttafucco under center. I even named my fantasy team Bad Newz Kennels in an act of defiance. But I hope anyone who engages in dog fighting is reincarnated as a Milk Bone.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

Meet the Faculty: High School Reunion

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 03:52:00 +0000

We return with our second "Meet the Faculty" session, a chance for IHT students and interested onlookers to meet some of the minds who contribute actively to the dialogue of this pop-culture based blog or, in this month's case, a person who contributed mightily to the background of the IHT's Dean waaay back in "the day."

Katrina Swaim was Katrina Wright during her days at Shiloh High School, where we struck up a friendship in the eighth or ninth grade, I forget. One of the most gifted writers you'll ever meet and one of my favorite people despite a long lapse in our communication, Katrina serves as "full time activities director and amateur psychologist to two amazing kids" (her words) somewhere in the great untamed land of Idaho, where she lives with hubby Paul. Although we haven't seen each other since our early 20s and haven't talked since Bill Clinton's first term in office, the Dean and the Mommy recently reunited through the magic of the Internet.

Different life paths lead to different lessons but my early exchanges with Katrina lead me to believe she is still one of the sharpest, funniest people you could hope to know. She agreed to have our "virtual reunion" turned into a "Meet the Faculty" segment where we can discuss divergent life paths, Harry Potter, online gaming and whether or not reality television was prophesized in Revelations.

Scott: I dug around and found an old picture of us together. Senior yearbook, Mr. Chandler's journalism class. During the process of thumbing through the yearbook, I winced a few times. Mostly for other people, particularly the girls with giant balls of curly hair sprayed to the point where the female forehead could be used as a blunt trauma weapon.

The geek kids, though, those castoffs from fashion and trendy sensibility—they look okay. No mullets, no poof-ball hair, no "new wave" sport coats, stone washed jeans, paisley ties or big headbands. Nope, those kids wee jeans, t-shirts and polos. Classic. Even you were "classically eccentric." Granted, we were far from being social pariahs, but we weren't the "it" kids, either.

As a parent, how do you handle it? You want your kid to have friends and be accepted, but being at least a partial outsider (or at least outside of the "popular kids") seems to be a surefire head start on not getting sucked into the vast marketing machine that hopes to vacuum up every boy and girl from age 8-28 and turn them into the Stepford People. You also don't want to cast aspersions on every kid in a Abercrombie shirt, either, no matter how misguided their motives may be for wearing it, because if I know you, you don't want your children judging books by covers, either.

When I think about this stuff, I think I'm just going to warp my kid from the start and hope people are terrified of him/her. The kid can sort it out on their own in college.

Katrina: Those pictures! Is that really us? I thought I remembered being a lot more sophisticated and worldly-wise than that girl in the thrift-store cameo and sleeveless Anne of Green Gables blouse. Surprisingly, I can still name half the people in that photo, right down to tiny Sarah Wardlaw standing next to me. (She was my prom date, you know. That's what happens when you hold out for Eli Pickering to ask you but you stupidly don't tell him! Can I have a do-over on that, please?)

What was the question again?

Oh, yes. How do you prepare your kids for the social maneuvering of the adolescent years?

To be honest, by the time your kids get there, I think it's mostly out of your hands. So much of the groundwork for social interaction is laid early, from baby's first lessons in interpersonal relationships: "Share." "Don't hit." "Take turns." "Stop shoving marbles in your brother's nose. How many marbles are up there, anyway?" By the time the hormones kick in, your child already knows things about himself--what he's good at, how people respond to him, what behaviors bring about desired outcomes. And the scary part is that a lot of that knowing comes, with or without your knowledge, from you. "Jeremy's my shy one." "Look at this paper Katrina wrote!" "I swear, Mason's going to be a comedian when he grows up; he's so funny!" I think it's important to be aware of the messages you're giving your kids in your daily interactions with them, and with others. They see and hear everything, the little buggers.

One thing I'd like to give my kids (and I'm still working out how to do this; if you have any blinding flashes of insight, let me know), is the confidence to swim against the stream. Not non-conformity for its own sake, but the courage to take an unpopular stand for what they believe is right, the strength to flee from temptation when all they want to do is give in, the confidence to find their own way even when it means forging a new and lonely trail. I'm a Christian, and if my son and daughter become Christians, too, as I pray they will, I can guarantee that they'll need all of those things.

What you said about not judging the Abercrombie kids is true, too. Hopefully, whatever other character traits our kids develop, they'll cover them all with compassion. I remember being on the receiving end of a lot of compassion in high school, and it's a quality I valued in my friends, even at that age. I think that's why I'm one of the few people I know that can look back at my high school friendships with so much warmth.

By the way, if you really want to warp your kid, I think I have an old Culture Club tape* around here somewhere...

*Cassette tape—(for young readers) The primary format of music storage before CDs were invented consisted of a magnetic tape wound between two spools and encased in a protective plastic shell. Archaic, I know, but that's how it was before Microsoft ruled the world.

Scott: No do-overs on Eli Pickering. We tried to get you guys together at prom by stuffing the ballot box for Prom King and Queen with his name and yours, but as I'm sure you remember, that just resulted in Eli getting to dance with Gina Carellas, the goddess of Shiloh High's Class of 91.

But I digress.

I think getting to watch you as a parent would be a unique joy for anyone who knew you back in those long-lost days. You talk about compassion, but I remember you being the eternally-cheery voice of silliness. I say this with all possible reverence: you were Luna Lovegood before J.K. Rowling ever made her first trillion. I imagine that same endless cheer from high school directed toward the task of raising a child and I am pretty sure that your kids are going to grow up to be smart, independent, self-assured, slightly strange and incredibly interesting people.

Speaking of interesting—you dropped Leonidas's name a couple of times in a recent blog, so I'm assuming that you snuck away from the kiddies at some point and saw 300. When I first saw the movie, I loved it and really, really wanted to hit someone with a sword. On second viewing, it became quickly apparent that there were some really subtle themes bubbling just under the surface (and that Klingons are just Spartans in space, although I knew that already). Beyond the obvious-as-a-spear-through-the-gut motifs of loyalty and courage and duty I saw a movie about love (for wives, children and friends), hubris (not just the obvious, but the hubris of Leonidas as well) and the need for a good exercise regimen for one's abs and pecs.

I should have expected nothing less from Frank Miller, the man who showed us what it would look like when Batman got old.

Katrina: Luna Lovegood? Okay, I'll go along with that. I may not champion the cause of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, but I do hold some beliefs that others might find ridiculous: truth is absolute, the sun will come out tomorrow, and Christopher Marlowe faked his own death so he could spend his remaining years at a timeshare in Italy, bodysurfing and anonymously editing a local pamphlet series entitled "The Verona Sun-Times."

No, I've not seen 300 yet, though it's on my Netflix queue and I'm familiar with the story. I'm very fascinated by the spirit of the underdog, the fire within, the faith that allows anyone to take up the mantle of combat against impossible odds in a cause for which they are willing to die. I can see it in so many of my favorite books and movies—The Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Chronicles of Narnia, Henry V ("If we are mark'd to die, we are enough To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour. God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.") Furthermore, I think you hit the nail on the head; such acts are not about toughness, or pride, or duty, so much as they are about love. Love is the one thing that is greater than fear, greater than death. Love for a country, love for a child, love for God--it is the one force that overcomes all other considerations.

Naturally, great abs are a bonus.

Since we're treading on the hem of what elements I most enjoy in human drama, I'll expound. Take, for instance, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, a long-beloved literary work and, more recently, a favorite set of films. I can never read or watch them without feeling such an intense pull on my heart's longings that I would, if I could, leap into the saddle and join the fray on Pelennor Fields, to prevail or die in the attempt. I don't feel like a mere observer as Frodo takes step after weary step closer to the seat of darkness in a desperate and nearly hopeless effort to do what no one else can do. I touched on this in the comments on my recent Harry Potter related blog post, but I am a great believer in what C.S. Lewis called "sehnsucht." I feel it coursing through my veins at every second when I'm wrapped up in a great story. The best stories, the ones I love to read or watch over and over, are, I believe, echoes of the Great Story that has been written into the fabric of our hearts by the One who made us. And that doesn't mean only explicitly "Christian" works by professed believers. The amazing thing is that the same themes--redemption, hope, love, sacrifice, salvation--resonate within all of us, whether we believe or not, and emerge, even unintentionally, in many of stories that touch us most. (My point in my blog comment was that Harry Potter is an archetypal messiah character, much the same as Frodo or Aslan or Neo or countless others, and a good example of this phenomenon.)

So what about you? I understand you're writing a novel yourself (an undertaking that fills me with awed admiration, I must admit!) What elements do you think go into a great story? I was interested in what you had to say in an earlier post about bringing a unique voice to a medium in which there is a dearth of unique ideas. How do you do that? Also, I often wonder how fiction authors can enter so authentically and completely into characters that are vastly different from themselves. Perhaps I just lack imagination in that area, since I've never tried that kind of writing. Any insights into the process of novel writing you'd like to share?

Scott: Two writers gave me some great advice to approaching a novel. William Deihl, who passed away last year, told me that it was never too late to start or finish your first novel. He said that if writing a novel was what I wanted to do, there was no expiration date on it short of your own expiration date. Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing that the biggest key to writing a novel was to write it—sit down and just type, everyday, even when you didn't feel like it, until you were finished.

That's simple enough.

What you were talking about is far more complex. I haven't found too many writers who have the same experience telling a story. Some use elaborate outlines and know the beginning, middle and end points of their books before they write the first paragraph. Others—including King—just write and let the story flow from them. I do a little of both. I have an idea of where my story will go, but when I write, it seems as though the characters and situations take on a life of their own. Invariably, those characters will fall into dull, predictable (and realistic, if you're honest about human nature) courses of action. As a writer, the outline helps me get those characters back on task.

My elements of a good story are similar to yours. I like there to be an element of connection to the story between the write, reader and the work itself. I agree that when classic elements infiltrate into storytelling there is a longing by the reader to be more a part of the exposition—a desire to enter the pages of the book like The Neverending Story. I think most good books have a character that the reader connects with and sees themselves in. Certainly, Harry Potter was a messianic figure, but he was also a teenager struggling to fit into his world. Everyone relates to that.

In The Lord of the Rings (which I re-read every 3-4 years), all of the Hobbits are eyes for the reader. The Halflings provide an entry point into a fantasy world because Frodo and Company know about as little about the greater world of Middle Earth than a first-time reader does. What the Hobbits do know comes from Bilbo's adventures, which we readers are also familiar with. I would even go so far as to say that Frodo was not the messianic figure in Lord of the Rings. I think that was Aragorn. Most of the time in literature we think of a messianic figure in terms of a pre-crucifixion Christ. Aragorn is Christ returned after a long absence, calling the faithful to his side, raising the dead from their graves and giving them an opportunity to erase their sins and finally creating a more perfect world with his return.

Back to my novel—I wrote 50 pages of it and some friends circulated those pages with tremendously positive response. But I needed something more to make the story work. I think I've found the key in the voice itself. I talk a lot about voice, because I think it is the most important aspect of any story. The voice I finally found for my novel was that of a friendly neighborhood bartender sharing a tall tale over a cold beer on a slow night with good music pouring un-loudly out of the jukebox. He became the doorway into the story for the reader. He's my Harry or Frodo or Lucy or Stu Redman (I know you read The Stand, because it was my copy you read).

Now, once I finish this marriage-play-house-hunting phase of my life, I think I'll have the tools to finally sit down and do what King tells me is the key: just write until I'm finished.

Saturday, on the next "Meet the Faculty": More talk between old friends. World of Warcraft, who's calling who a geek and man, things escalate quickly!

Roger Ebert is a F*&!ing Genius

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 22:48:00 +0000

After attending the faculty screening of Superbad, I wanted to say something about the movie. But Roger Ebert, the best movie critic in the business, wrote such a perfect review of the movie that I gladly step aside for his words.

What makes Ebert better than most? Well, no critic's tastes will ever line up completely with your own, but Ebert tells his audience about movies with enough information to let them decide for themselves whether his assertions parallel their own tastes or if perhaps they will like the movie despite his aversion. Even writing from home after falling into poor health, Ebert is strong and alive in his words.

Thanks, Rog. Loved the movie, loved the review.

The Cult of I-AA: We’re Stuck Here Now, My Flock

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 02:17:00 +0000

Welcome back to the Temple of Division I Championship Football, my little gridiron sycophants—the High Priest of I-AA is back in the pulpit. It's been two years since I sat down and put together my weekly scroll of entertainment, insight and fun football facts for America's greatest collective underground sports fan base. Forgive me if I seem a little rusty, and remember that I am no longer a full-time sports writer and "insider" (cue music appropriate to a conspiracy movie). The High Priest is writing from the fan's perspective these days.

That's right—I'm one of you. Only better.

Let's get right down to things, shall we.

To quote Springfield Elementary's esteemed groundskeeper: "Willie warned ye!!"

In April and May of this year, the High Priest was coming off a series of blog posts about how my hometown Georgia Southern Eagles should look to move out of I-AA. I've long been a supporter of GSU staying put and remaining a big fish in a small pond , so I consistently stated that my motivation for this change of opinion was because I loved I-AA football, not because I hated it. Sort of how I watch The Simpsons less these days—I just can't stand to see a diminished product, one that is the victim of its own success. I'll have more to say about all that somewhere down the road.

(In case you're interested, those posts are here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part 3.2, Part IV, Part V – I never wrote the final recap I promised, so consider this it).

I later corresponded with a GSU fan known for abrasively pursuing the I-A agenda on message boards and we talked about the climate around I-AA (or FCS, a term I abhor for reasons that will soon become apparent). On June 17, I posted the following diatribe:

"[There] are already three tiers of D-I football—I-A haves, I-A have-nots, and I-AA.

When (not if) the BCS eventually makes a power play to either (a) seal off I-A from any more teams moving up and siphoning off their revenue or (b) kick out the lower-tier teams altogether or (c) break off completely from the NCAA and negotiate their own TV contract for the full season, then the best place for schools like Georgia Southern, App State, UMass, Delaware, Youngstown State, Montana and other legitimate football schools currently in I-AA to be is with the lower-tier I-As. That block of schools will have the real power to (a) form a better, 85-scholarship championship football league (b) legally cock-block the BCS, possibly forcing a playoff at the sport's highest level or (c) live off the settlement money the NCAA will pay those schools to not be a pain in the ass."

So what did the NC-two-A just do? That's right. Option A—they capped the well, instituting a moratorium on moves between divisions and subdivisions until 2011. The actual proposal explained the move thusly:

"In 2000, the membership approved a moratorium to allow each division an appropriate time period to address issues related membership growth. During that two-year time period, Division I established a more detailed educational assessment program to govern the transition to Division I and developed standards that more clearly distinguish football playing institutions among subdivisions. While the membership transition processes have improved, the simple fact is that migration to Division I continues and shows no sign of slowing down… It is difficult to project the implications of such recommendations on the Division I membership. Further, Division I is undertaking a potential change in its governance structure. With that in mind, it is likely that it will take some time to establish a framework to address membership issues, analyze the current philosophies, expectations and requirements and introduce and begin to implement proposed changes. A four-year period should provide a reasonable amount of time to accomplish this initiative."

Anyone who is surprised by this move hasn't been hanging out with the High Priest for the last three years. In 2004, I wrote a series of articles about I-A and I-AA for the Statesboro Herald. I interviewed Sun Belt commissioner Wright Waters, who said, "There is a point of diminishing returns at the number of schools. Conferences fill up. And there's going to be no more room at the well."

In other words, my little football worshippers, it isn't like this is breaking news.

So what does it mean for I-AA? Two scenarios show up most often in the High Priest's crystal ball:

(1) The "old" BCS conferences (Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC, Pac-10) plus Notre Dame will use the next BCS television contract to peel themselves off from the I-A "have nots" and play a four-team playoff championship. Odds: about as good as Brittany and Paris showing up on a sex tape together—you know it could happen, it might even be out there, but it would still be a little bit of a surprise.

(2) The I-As will hold on to their money-factory bowl structure through at least one more BCS contract, but in doing so will continue to play nice with mid-major I-As. Odds: you could lead college presidents off a cliff like lemmings with a suitcase full of money. The Magic 8-Ball is indicating this scenario plays out.

If the current I-AAs want to make any progress, the subdivision has to hope for scenario two above and three things have got to happen or be in the process of happening by 2011:

(1) The new scholarship maximum for I-AA football must increase to 75.

(2) The I-AA championship game must move to Dec. 30 and the field must include the champions of both HBCU conferences currently not involved in the post season and the Ivy League.

(3) A minimum of 60 scholarships or equivalent grants-in-aid must be issued by any school participating in the I-AA playoffs.

As sports fans grow more sick and tired of the antiquated Bowl system, I-AA would be improving by leaps and bounds over the four-year period. More scholarships mean deeper teams. Adding the HBCUs and the Ivy schools adds broader appeal to the playoffs. Moving the title game lets the Ivy play its traditional schedule, lets the HBCUs have their annual post-season "Classic" and gains a wider national audience by positioning the I-AA title game between the shit bowls and the actual entertaining I-A bowls while also drawing attention to the disparity in how the two subdivisions crown a champion.

By the end of the moratorium (which will never actually end, I foresee—I-A will just find a way to cap off enrollment some other way), it will be as lucrative to be a powerful I-AA team as to be a middling I-A. And with less expense by the institution.

Before you scoff, just remember that the High Priest warned ya before. He warned ya!!

"The top dogs of I-A football will not let dozens of I-AA teams ascend to their level and begin eating off of their table without doing something." I wrote that in 2004, to close out the series about I-A vs. I-AA in the Herald.

Three and friggin' eight (and other bad news that actually mattered)

It is hard for a Georgia Southern alum to think too much about the 2006 football season. The Eagles lost wide receiver Teddy Craft, a great player and a good friend of the High Priest, in a motorcycle accident before the opening game of the season. Then legendary head coach Erk Russell, still the best coach this side of Eddie Robinson to ever stroll the sidelines of a I-AA school, passed away on the eve of the 2006 opener. He, too, was a soul I feel blessed to have gotten to know.

Then the Eagles go 3-8 under a head coach with the personality of potted meat.

Making matters much, much, much worse: Appalachian State ends up winning the national title!! For the second time!! By beating a team with a stud running back—Steve Baylark—who signed with Georgia Southern out of high school and was the heir-apparent to Adrian Peterson. Our Adrian, not that guy with the Vikings.

When I was still on the scene, there was more order to the universe.

So that's my recap of '06. I am now going to my appointment at Lacuna, Inc., to have it erased from my brain.

Summer blockbusters

As always, the High Priest and soon-to-be High Priestess spent a lot of the summer at the movies, where we caught most of the blockbusters. Like preseason polls, most of the summer movie slate was just over-hyped mediocrity. Even the movies I liked had some glaring weaknesses. But what would the Cult of I-AA be without some Cult Babes, right!?! And if there was one thing this summer's movie lineup had, it was a boatload of hotties!!

Here are my summer movie reviews based solely on the "babe factor."

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Keira Knightly is still one of the hottest babes around. The movie had some good skin, but nothing to pause the DVD player on. Four babe stars.

Transformers: Megan Fox gets my vote for best newcomer, although she has some TV and movie experience. Good sweaty scenes. Also, she changed outfits like 42 times in this movie with no regard to the plot. Decepticons land at Hoover Dam: spaghetti tank top and jeans. Autobots arrive 10 minutes later: lace top with butt-emphasizing khakis. And the geeks were pissed because Bumblebee wasn't a VW Bug. They should get out more. Four babe stars.

300: Lena Headey . Smoking, red hot babe. Gets naked and kills a guy by sticking a Spartan shank in his gut. Not technically a summer movie, but… Four babe stars.

Fantastic Four 2: I'm not saying that Jessica Alba isn't hot. She is. She's also more overrated than NFL linebacker coaches taking over I-AA powerhouses. Okay, maybe not that overrated. I do like it when she goes from invisible to visible and doesn't have any clothes on. Three-and-a-half babe stars.

Spider-Man 3: Kirsten Dunst has lost a step, if you ask me. Or maybe it was just that this movie sucked out loud and lacked the "I'm-obviously-not-wearing-undergarments" factor of Spidey 2. Three babe stars.

Knocked Up: This one requires two ratings. As a babe, Katherine Heigl gets four very, very solid babe stars. But she was pregnant through three-quarters or more of this flick, and while I know she wasn't really preggo, I suspend my disbelief enough that she went from smoking-hot-babe to smoking-hot-pregnant babe. Pregnant women are beautiful, just not the same kind of beautiful as a Spartan Queen wearing a strategically-place dish towel with a tummy you can bounce a quarter off of and get back two dimes and a nickel. Two-and-a-half babe stars.

Harry Potter 5: Emma Thompson's future is either to go the way of costars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint and try to gain artistic points by doing a movie in which she gets doffs her clothes or she goes the way of Anna Paquin and quietly builds a career with solid parts that don't overextend or overhype her. Or, OR, she ends up appearing on the 3 a.m. Cinemax special in 2029. Babe star rating unavailable due to youthful nature of cast (but you can bet it's a robust two-and-a-half in private).

Shrek 3: She was animated. She was an ogre. She was also
pregnant. Even in real life, she was Cameron Diaz, spokes model for the Real South Beach Diet—cocaine and martinis. Negative one babe stars.

Back to football

In case you're still mulling over my scenario from above that has I-AA growing in popularity just by adding a few scholarships and playing a more well-positioned championship game, consider Boise State. In the Ron Shelton flick Tin Cup, Renee Russo (Dr. Molly Griswold) reflects on the monstrous "12" carded by Kevin Costner's character, Roy McAvoy—a "12" that ended with a remarkable shot that went in the hole to the crowd's screaming delight.

"It was the greatest 12 of all time. No one's going to remember the Open 10 years from now, who won...but they'll remember your 12! My, God, Roy, it was...Well, it's immortal! I am so proud of you!"

Not many people outside of Florida and Ohio will be able to instantly recall the 2006 I-A BCS champion. At least not people who get dates. But almost anyone who paid any attention at all will remember Boise State, a former I-AA champion, beating the mighty Oklahoma Sooners in one of the greatest games ever played. And everyone will remember thinking that the undefeated Broncos deserved at least a shot at the title, even if Florida, Ohio State and LSU were all three far better teams than OU.

So imagine the surge in credibility for I-AA when two teams with only 10 fewer scholarships than their bigger brothers stage a championship game that is the culmination of a four-game playoff and play that game on a night usually reserved for the bowl games just under the BCS bowls. Imagine that the NCAA actually leveraged its incredibly lucrative basketball contract to assure that the I-AA championship was the only game on that night.

Instant credibility—maybe not quite like Boise State, but if a team as equivalently dominant as some of the great teams in I-AA history emerged, wouldn't the credibility of the competition and of the playoff system suddenly shoot through the roof? Wouldn't a game between the I-AA champion and I-A champion to open the next season look less like a sacrificial lamb and more like a compelling ticket if the I-AA powerhouse suddenly had 12 more scholarships?

A great I-AA championship game wouldn't be a "12." It would be immortal.

Um, by the way, it's "FCS" now

No one at the NCAA consulted the High Priest before renaming I-A and I-AA last fall. They just went ahead with a bonehead plan to call I-A the "Football Bowl Subdivision" or FBS and I-AA the "Football Championship Subdivision" or FCS.

This was stupider than Prince changing his name to a symbol.

I pretty much had a nice gut full of bile in a former post on this blog when I wrote: "If people couldn't figure out that I-AA was part of Division I, how in the hell are they supposed to know that the FCS is?!? The former I-A schools don't have to struggle with brand identity. You could call them NASCAR and even casual fans would know that Michigan is one of the big boys."

One of the ideas I heard kicked around before the change in nomenclature was to call I-A schools "BCS" schools and call I-AA "Division I Football." I thought that was a pretty good idea. Then it got all fucked up. It was like feeling good about the idea of overthrowing the Taliban in Afghanistan and waking up five years later hopelessly mired in Iraq with little chance of extricating U.S. forces without a global meltdown.

So forgive me if I don't call it the FCS for a while. Maybe one day. Just not now.

Speaking of politics…

Since we're reforming the NCAA's bowl and playoff structure here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, why not look at revamping the political system, too?

With about 96 candidates declared for the Presidential race of '08, the thing that stands out the most in this political season is that there are at least three viable candidates from each party. It is an embarrassment of riches that leads to a simple speculation.

With so many candidates raising so much money and connecting with individualized voting blocks, wouldn't it seem plausible to believe that the two-party system might take a big kick in the groin soon? Imagine the scenario where Hillary and Fred Thompson win their respective party's nominations, but Obama locks up John Edwards or Bill Richardson as a running mate and Rudy Giuliani talks Newt into coming on board and suddenly there's a four-way run. Obama runs as a Centrist Democrat and gets Colin Powell to come on board for foreign policy clout. Rudy runs as a Centrist Republican and tells the religious right to take a flying leap while "no new taxing" his way into the hearts of the real Republicans—Blue Bloods who voted for Clinton secretly in '96 because their wallets told them to.

I bet Ross Perot gets tingly in his Cialis zone just thinking about it.

The point isn't that despite halting my drug use years ago I can still hallucinate a system where politicians can actually run on the issues and possibly win. The point is that in the Information Age we don't have to limit our pool of potential elected officials to two folks based on party affiliation. In 1890, when it took a long time to get the word out about just one guy, having the parties pare things down made sense. But in 2006, it is conceivable to think that as many as six or seven candidates could battle it out by taking a real stand on issues and letting the American people decide what they want their Chief executive to believe in. This would eliminate much of the possibility of electing a religious zealot, a sellout or an intellectual midget.

It would also increase the possibility of electing Hulk Hogan in 2016. So it isn't a foolproof system.

Vote Quimby!

Tired yet?

The High Priest is just shy of 3,000 words, and he hasn't even taken up preseason polls, I-AA conference bragging rights or talked about Jerry Glanville leaving tickets for Elvis in the Great Northwest. If you've hung in there this long, thanks a lot. I'll be back next week with another Cult column. You can expect new entries to go up on this blog Thursday nights or Friday mornings. And we'll always have new Cult Babes. At least until I get married in October and hand my testicles over to be placed in a safe deposit box. After that, we'll see.

It's good to be back in the Cult.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

POP101: The Six Laws of Pop Culture

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 02:37:00 +0000

Brittany Spears gets out of a low-slung sports car in a short skirt and flashbulbs everywhere capture images of the former Mouseketeer that would make Annette Funnicello collapse with the vapors. The Internet is afire, the tabloids run thousands of extra editions, E! practically rewrites its programming schedule for "Breaking News: Brittany Goes Commando." Theme music is composed.

Somewhere in New Zealand, working from a half-century old work of fiction, Peter Jackson turns the greatest modern work of fantasy into arguably the greatest fantasy motion picture of all time.

An musician in North Carolina composes a series of songs and posts videos of himself playing them on YouTube. In 2009, he'll instantly be the hottest sensation in the country.

Leg warmers return as a fashion statement.

Law & Order films its 500^th episode.

A video game featuring gang warfare is released and sell millions of copies.

Some of the scenarios above are real. Others are imagined, but plausible. Believe it or not, every one of them speaks volumes about the status of society—English-speaking and mostly American society for the purpose of this lesson, but global society as well as our world shrinks. Such statements, of course, are not always flattering.

Pop culture is relevant because it crosses boundaries that regional and ethnic culture seldom conquer. Pop culture is about mass appeal, collective consciousness, guilty pleasures and what zeitgeists say about us and our neighbors.

In the coming weeks, we'll take a close look at pop culture. An honest look. To glean insight into just what makes popular culture so interesting and even important, I've crafted the Six Laws of Pop Culture:

I. The merit of any avatar of popular culture can be measured by examining the correlation between the widespread popularity of the cultural avatar and its longevity. This is the Law of Merit.

II. Any avatar of popular culture ceases to be relevant after its merit has been consumed, either through time or saturation or a combination of both. This is the Law of Consumption.

III. Any avatar pushed into popular culture past its merit will self-destruct, cause destruction or both. This is the Self-Consumption Corollary.

IV. Avatars of popular culture that inspire a lineage retain a portion of the merit generated by their resultant progeny's iconography. This is the Law of Foundation.

V. The Nostalgia Exception
(a) When the merit of certain avatars of popular culture is consumed by saturation alone, that avatar may resurface at a later time under the nostalgia exception.
(b) Avatars that become identified as a signpost of generational identity retain some merit (although the avatar may become ironic or otherwise transmogrified) to those most closely associated with that generational movement.
(c) Should an avatar remain viable despite the passage of time and enough widespread popularity to be considered a part of pop culture consciousness, the nostalgia exception is employed to describe that avatar's enduring merit.

VI. Invariably, some avatar of popular culture will thrive—perhaps event to the point of invoking the Nostalgia Exception—despite being reviled by some as being "lowest common denominator" culture. This is the rationalization of an elitist. Any phenomenon that rises to the level of iconic status—even briefly—must have some modicum of merit. The person who cannot distinguish the relative merit (or at least the rationale behind) the popularity of a "lowbrow" avatar is not fit to pass judgment on the relative merits of popular culture or its icons. These themes constitute The Idiot Paradigm.

Terminology is pretty important in these laws, so let's talk about some of the language in these laws—pop culture is amazingly fixated on labeling things correctly, from "boy bands" to "Generation Xers" to "anime" to "softcore porn." Don't call a GoBot a Transformer or forget that Superman is a DC hero and Wolverine belongs to Marvel Comics.

In these laws, an avatar of pop culture is any aspect of collective sociology that enters the general consciousness of any group of people big enough to reasonably constitute a set of peers. It can be music, fashion, technology, language, film, behavior, literature or board games. Anything that is collectively recognized as an ongoing part of life is an avatar of pop culture.

If an avatar reaches a certain wide audience, it becomes an icon. An avatar is potentially part of pop culture. An icon is certainly a part of pop culture.

In the case of the Laws of Pop Culture, merit doesn't describe an avatar or icon's artistic viability. Instead, it simply describes the ability of that avatar/icon to hold the attention of the collective population.

So that is our short introductory lesson.

Homework: Without any more prompting, give your own explication of the Six Laws of Pop Culture. What do you think they mean? Leave your assignments in the comments section or email me through my blogger profile.

Next week: the origins of the Six Laws of Pop Culture.

The High Priest rides again

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 02:07:00 +0000

Before I was the Dean of the Institute of Higher Thinking or the Pimpmaster General of a horde of Miller Girls at a beer distributor I was a sports writer. And before I had this blog or my first one, Highly Sophisticated Rednecks, I wrote a weekly column for a website dedicated to Division I's football sub-classification called "The Cult of I-AA."

With football season approaching, I've decided to start writing that column again and posting it right here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking (which you can almost see at the top left corner of this picture of GSU's Paulson Stadium).

I know a lot less about I-AA football now than I did in 2004, the last time I covered the sport full time. Back then, I voted in the national I-AA poll, voted for the All-Americans, the I-AA equivalent of the Heisman (as well as the top defensive player and coach awards) and I generally kept up with the 110+ schools that make up I-AA. Now, I don't know the landscape quite so well.

For one, Georgia Southern—my alma mater and home team—has had two new coaches since I covered the Eagles. And the subdivision now calls itself the FCS or "Football Championship Subdivision." Excuse me while I continue calling it "I-AA."

Despite all the changes in how plugged in I am to the sport, I'm going to strive to post a weekly "Cult of I-AA" column. It will focus mostly on Georgia Southern and the Southern Conference but it will also have whatever opinions I've formed about the rest of the country's I-AA programs based on what I get from the web.

Just don't expect "The Cult of I-AA" to be just about college football.

When I began writing the column back in the I-AA.org days, I likened the fans of I-AA to a cult; a cult that followed a team and a sport not because it was popular or trendy or easily accessible on 20 different cable channels. Nope, I-AA fans loved their schools, their sport, their playoff system and seemed to revel in their perpetual underdog status (especially when facing schools with athletic budgets 20 times larger than their own, like GSU versus Georgia, left in 2004). That made them special, and made the subdivision special.

So my new "Cult of I-AA" will keep that title, but when football season ends (and during it, even) you might expect to see entries about my beloved Braves of baseball, college basketball, hockey, cricket or anything else I think is interesting and just outside of the mainstream. I hope all the old readers of my column will find their way here. I hope new readers will come. I even hope that this column spark interest in the rest of what I'll be offering at the Institute of Higher Thinking.

It's about to be college football season folks—a season so important I scheduled my wedding to avoid conflict with two Georgia Southern football games, one of them a road
game!!

The new Cult will premier next week, with new columns arriving weekly Thursday nights/Fridays. I hope to hear plenty of feedback from all of you. So until next Friday, don't share the secret handshake.

Fall Semester

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 23:51:00 +0000

From: Scott Garner, Dean, Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking
To: All five loyal students/IHT readers

Re: Fall Semester

Welcome, students and loyal readers, to the inaugural semester at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking. Hopefully, you have all had productive and restful summers. I know I have. Since Memorial Day, I have:

Visited Elvis's birthplace in Tupelo, Mississippi, with the IHT's own Media Specialist, the lovely Jessica.

Spent numerous hours at my other occupation promoting the consumption of a new Miller product called "Chill." It is grueling work, but someone has to do it.

Begun writing a play about the most famous man in Statesboro, who passed away a little less than a year ago. Twice, this has landed me on television, and the play is only now about to really move forward.

Corresponded with a Baltimore-area attorney about pop culture, American Idol, sports in general and Georgia Southern football in particular.

Seen one of my all-time favorite bands, Cracker, up-close and personal.

And lastly, I have designed a curriculum for the Fall Semester. Everyone, prepare to enroll in POP101, The Six Laws of Pop Culture. Beginning next week (which will parallel the beginning of classes at the other institution of higher learning in Statesboro, Georgia Southern) I will be posting on a semi-regular schedule about the six laws. The rest of the semester's posts should follow a schedule like this one:

Mon/Tues: IHT Playlists
Wed: POP101 Lecture
Thurs: Sports or Entertainment or whatever or nothing

Plus, after a successful debut, "Meet the Faculty" stalled as the second interviewee in the series got very involved with his own pursuit of higher education. We'll hope to touch base with him later. Meanwhile, the Dean is trying to cajole an old high school friend into a "Meet the Faculty" interview. There will also be numerous updates coming up on the Erk Play blog site, and maybe a big announcement in the near future.

Oh, yeah, and the Dean is getting married in 60 days. Nearly forgot that one.

So hang on, my five faithful students. Your education is about to begin.

IHT Playlist, 7/23-8/5

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:59:00 +0000

Spoiler alert: If you are interested in the Harry Potter series and have not finished the seventh and final book, please skip the first four paragraphs below. It talks about how the song lyrics below are applicable to Harry Potter, but has a mild spoiler about the seventh and final book. If I were out just randomly wandering through the blogosphere and I hadn't finished the book yet, I'd want someone to let me know something like this was around the corner. The lyrics themselves aren't a big spoiler (and aren't really about Harry Potter), and the video has nothing to do with the book. Carry on.

I was driving to work Thursday pondering the final installment of Harry Potter, which I had finished the night before when WIHT, the Institute's small radio station, played the Flaming Lips' song "The W.A.N.D." Although ostensibly a seemingly timeless anti-establishment song (one featured in a Dell commercial—sort of a contradiction, really), the lyrics work perfectly with the entire Harry Potter series.

There is the ruthless, out-for-themselves Powers of Darkness, back again for a second attempt to claim all the power in the Wizarding world ("Time after time those fanatical minds/ Try to rule all the world"). There's a hip-sounding rebel standing against the arrayed forces of darkness with his "tricked out magic stick/ That will make them all fall." You can even read the lyrics in the fourth set to be a reflection of how Voldemort seeks only the single Deathly Hallow he believes he needs, but he "don't know what it's for."

Think about Neville, Ginny and how Dumbledore's Army lives on past the great wizard's death and the lines "We're the enforcers/ The sorcerer's orphans/ And we know why we fight" will bring chills to your spine. The full title of the song is "The Will Always Negates Defeat." Isn't that exactly the sentiment that helped Harry and his friends through all of their tribulations?

Listen to this song with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in your mind, and you'll begin thinking about a juxtaposition of two separate forces of pop culture unheard of since someone got the idea to play Dark Side of the Moon over The Wizard of Oz.

The W.A.N.D.
By the Flaming Lips

(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

Time after time those fanatical minds
Try to rule all the world
Telling us all it's them
Who's in charge of it all

I've got a tricked out magic stick
That will make them all fall
We've got the power now
Motherfuckers, it's where it belongs

You've got that right
(You've got the power in there)
You know that it is
(Waving your wand in the air)

They have their weapons
To solve your questions
They don't know what it's for
(They don't know what it's for)
Why can't they see that's not power
That's greed
To just want more and more?

I got a plan and it's here in my hand
And it's all made of rights.
We're the enforcers,
The sorcerer's orphans,
And we know why we fight
(And we know why we fight)

You've got that right
(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

(You've got the power in there)
(You've got the power in there)
(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

You've got that right
You know that it is

It's worth noting that the video below does not blare the word "motherfuckers," so it is safe for home viewing if little ears are around. It also scares me that enough of my friends/readers have children that I would even care.

There is a more risqué (and artful) version of the video here.

And now for the rest of the WIHT playlist. Sorry for missing last week.

"Stumbline," by the Smashing Pumpkins from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
"Valerie," by the Zutons from Tired of Hanging Around
"The Battle of Evermore," by Led Zeppelin from Led Zeppelin IV (many read this as a conscious reference to The Return of the King, describing the battle of the Pelennor Fields)
"My Good Gal," by Old Crow Medicine Show from Big Iron World
"The Magic Number," by De La Soul from 3 Feet High and Rising
"Shoes," by Atmosphere from Seven's Travels
"Jesus Was a Cross Maker," by Rachel Yamagata from the Soundtrack to Elizabethtown
"Waitress," by Live from Throwing Copper
"Titties and Beer," by Rodney Carrington from Morning Wood (we're not proud at the Institute)
"Talking Shit About a Sunset," by Modest Mouse from This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About

Recommendation of the Week: Go ahead and listen to the entire Flaming Lips CD At War With the Mystics (more Harry Potter references? Maybe). Good stuff all around.

In a nutshell

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 21:24:00 +0000

One image encapsulates (1) why there is not a murmur from the Institute of Higher Thinking this week and (2) why Friday is a school holiday.

Potter thoughts soon. Simpsons movie thoughts soon. IHT playlist next week.

IHT Film School: Japanese commentary on Americanization through film

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 02:46:00 +0000

Most of Godzilla: Final Wars was a tribute to all the not-so-great Godzilla movies of the past. But the filmmakers reserved scorn, not playful tribute, for the American Godzilla flick. They expressed that scorn aptly. Listen carefully to the Xillian's lines at the end of the scene:

Yep, when the Dean misses a day of work, he does something productive.

Zen and the art of motorcycle manners

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 00:12:00 +0000

Tuesday, the Institute of Higher Thinking's Dean was forced to remain on campus rather than going to his regular job as a beer man after some dental work resulted in extended wooziness and general pain and suffering. After watching Godzilla: Final Wars, he sat down to write this blog entry he promised long ago. It's lengthy, by the way. Get a glass of water or something before you sit down.

For me, the greatest singular joy that comes with riding a motorcycle is getting to do the "wave."

I never knew anything about the wave until I began riding just over a year ago. Before then, motorcycles were familiar subjects in the Family Mythology. My one-legged father had been robbed of everything below his left knee by a motorcycle accident, making motorcycles objects that attained the stature of snakes in family lore. This is to say that no one in the family vilified motorcycles, but rather acknowledged that, left to their own devices both snakes and motorcycles had their places in nature. That didn't mean you should go around trying to pet a snake or get into four-lane traffic on a Harley.

Yet here I was in April of last year astride a 1998 Honda Shadow with a faded paint job and a torn seat. This could have had something to do with dad accidentally picking up a baby rattlesnake once when he mistook it for a harmless grass snake. But I digress. Partly because motorcycles were a new method of conveyance and partly because I had a constant picture of my dad's left stump in my forebrain, whenever I rode at first, I clung to the machine with an almost violent grip. I felt every bump and jostle with a surge of fearful adrenaline. Every ride was an experiment in terror, but with gas well over three bucks a gallon and the Shadow getting 55 miles per, I was convinced that overcoming my fear was not only a very Jedi thing to do, it was financially a dictate from God.

About two days into my life as a motorcycle owner, I passed a fellow biker coming the other direction. He dropped one hand off his handlebar in a casual wave. I thought he was pointing to my tailpipe and assumed noxious and possibly combustible materials must be spewing from my Death Vehicle. I started to look, but swerved, crapped myself a bit, corrected and hustled home at 40 miles per hour—a personal speed record at that point.

Only as my faith in my ability to ride increased (and my faith in other vehicles decreased) did I understand that each passing biker wasn't pointing to a source of flame or a tire near blowout. They were saluting me, greeting me like a brother. "Hey, dude. How are ya? I see that you're in The Club."

The Club was the universal club of motorcycle owners and operators. From rice rockets to cruising hawgs, if you passed a bike coming the opposite direction, you could be about 75 percent sure you'd get some form of individual greeting wave. The guys hanging on for dear life on the Rice Rockets might simply flick a couple of fingers off the handlebar—the equivalent of the roadrunner's familiar "beep beep!" Big rumbling bikes might pass with their drivers casually dropping one hand by their side. I like to hold my hand about 45 degrees down with the old surfer's "hang loose" wave. My future father-in-law rides a Gold Wing, which is like a cruise ship on two wheels, and he sometimes honks and waves like he's in a parade.

As the fear of riding subsided somewhat, the realization dawned about why bikers—white, black, young, old, Harley riders and Yamaha fiends alike—are so determined to recognize one another. We all share a risk. If any of us, no matter the size of the bike or the toughness of the rider, hits one of these Rooms On Wheels (that's how I think of cars and trucks now), the likelihood of getting injured, maimed or killed is pretty astronomical. Forget that by nature motorcycle riders tend to be better, more attentive drivers. My dad lost his leg because someone else wasn't paying attention. This shared risk is also a shared boldness. At some point, anyone who gets on a motorcycle has to say "carpe diem!" It is the commonality that binds all two-wheelers (and our trike brothers and sisters) together.

Which is where the Zen part comes in.

Now, I am no Zen master. I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance—which had nothing to do with buying the Shadow, by the way—and understood the basic tenets of meditation. I liked what I knew of the peace-loving, harmony-seeking nature of Zen Buddhism. Then I read Brad Warner's book, Hardcore Zen. Here's a Review in 250 of the book (the link is in case you need to review the rules of a 250 Review):

250 Review: Hardcore Zen

Overview: Punk rock bassist and Japanese rubber-monster-suit movie man Brad Warner writes about Zen Buddhism from the perspective of a highly-enlightened version of Dee Dee Ramone. The book focuses on some of the major tenets in Zen and the process of exploration and enlightenment through zazen meditation.

What worked: Just juxtaposing two seeming opposites like punk rock and Buddhism opens the door to understanding the dualistic nature of Buddhist thought. Warner goes further, demanding that readers question everything—even his point of view on the subject matter. That questioning, he reminds us, leads to a greater truth—just don't expect "enlightenment" just from staring at a wall.

Not so much: Flaws in the first book were mostly cosmetic. Unlike Warner's second effort, Sit Down and Shut Up, this book was published on a much smaller scale. Some editorial mistakes and the type of revision you'd expect from a bigger publisher were missing. In some ways, though, this lent added credibility to the book.

Final Word: Being thrown headlong into an Eastern philosophy/religion by a punk rocker from Ohio who once dressed in rubber monster suits is a pretty engaging experience. Warner has a nice way of coming off both as a gritty icon of pop culture sensibility and a calm, thoughtful Yoda type who never rushes to judgment about his ideas or the ones of his religion. Because he presents so many symbiotic ideas that are seemingly at odds with one another, his ability to play both roles makes the book credible, fun and entirely worth reading.

Word Count: 249

There are two concepts introduced in Hardcore Zen that apply to The Club (and by extension to the "wave").

The first is that a person and the universe are one. I am the universe and the universe is me. On a grander scale, this philosophy (or truth, if that's where you are in your beliefs) enforces the concept that individuality is just a state of mind that excludes the greater world. Just because you can't see a tree blowing in the wind in Tokyo doesn't mean that tree is any less a part of existence than you or I. And just because a biker is wrapped up in his or her thoughts while tooling along a narrow two-lane doesn't mean he or she won't still get splattered by a log truck. The reality of the truck exists whether it is acknowledged or not—a motorcycle rider practicing good zazen while on his or her machine knows of the dangers of everything from bad roads to bad whether to bad dogs to bad drivers. In a microcosm, that is the building blocks of the larger Zen philosophy.

Secondly, Zen stresses that the only real moment is the moment we are in. The past cannot be changed, and the future is always one step ahead. Remember where I said motorcycle riding was, in large part, an exercise in "seizing the day?" A better choice of words would have been to say it is about seizing the moment. Both Zen and motorcycle riding both understand the place of the past and future rather than discount it. If you forget that there's a mammoth pothole on your way to work, you are likely to hit it again and again. And if you don't pay attention and see that there are brake lights going off three miles up the road, you might find yourself plowing into the back of a conversion van before you can stop because you failed to back off the gas early enough. The past and future are only good to a person when they use them in the present—that's the point a Buddhist will make.

So the next time you see a guy on a Harley with handlebar moustaches and a spiked leather jacket, just remember: that might be as close to a guy in orange robes sitting lotus-style in a monastery you'll see that day. So try not to run over him.

And if you're also on a bike, remember to wave.

Honey, why is the TiVo throwing up?

noreply@blogger.com (Scott Garner) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:26:00 +0000

From the "face for radio, voice for print" dept:

The Dean was on teevee Monday. Something to do with this.