the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker

they fuck you up...

2009-11-10T16:04:00.003-06:00

i saw this poem posted in childfree hardcore today, and it put a knowing smile on my face.

This Be the Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

i, for one, know i won't be passing my misery or screwed-up-ness to any kids.

i can haz RAM?

2009-11-08T22:56:00.002-06:00

despite hemming and hawing for the last two years or so that my law school laptop was on its last legs, and that i wasn't going to pay to upgrade the RAM or do anything else to it, it has become pretty clear that this box is my primary computer, and will be for some time. despite some cosmetic damage...some cracks in the case, the super-glued-on space bar, it still runs pretty nicely, especially with xubuntu on it.

so, today, i finally caved. i maxed out the RAM on my cranky old laptop--going from a paltry 512 megs to a slightly respectable 2 gigs.

the thing that got me to do it was the fact that i'm planning on working through metasploit unleashed soon, and that requires running vulnerable VMs on your computer in order to exploit them. i realised that there was no way i'd be able to run both a base OS and a VM with only 512 megs of RAM. that wasn't going to happen.

aside from that rather practical consideration, though, it's really, really nice not to have the computer slow down to molasses speed if i had both firefox and a video or music player running. between the fact that i have four times the RAM i had this morning and the fact that i'm still running xubuntu (and not something more bloated), my old box is zipping along better than ever!

i seriously should have done this years ago.

if you still care, don't ever let me know

2009-10-30T00:16:00.002-05:00

it has been a couple of months since i heard a new song that grabbed me and shook me.

i heard "snuff" by slipknot for the first time today, and it was exactly what i needed. i was pretty shocked when i found out it was slipknot, since most of their stuff really doesn't do it for me, but this one just gives me goosebumps.

bury all your secrets in my skin
come away with innocence
and leave me with my sins
the air around me still feels like a cage
and love is just a camouflage
for what resembles rage again

so if you love me let me go
and run away before i know
my heart is just too dark to care
i cant destroy what isn't there
deliver me into my fate
if i'm alone i cannot hate
i don't deserve to have you
my smile was taken long ago
if i can change i hope i never know

i still press your letters to my lips
and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
i couldn't face a life without your light
but all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight

so save your breath i will not hear
i think i made it very clear
you couldn't hate enough to love
is that supposed to be enough?
i only wish you weren't my friend
then i could hurt you in the end
i never claimed to be a saint
my own was banished long ago
it took the death of hope to let you go

so break yourself against my stones
and spit your pity in my soul
you never needed any help
you sold me out to save yourself
and i wont listen to your shame
you ran away you're all the same
angels lie to keep control
my love was punished long ago
if you still care don't ever let me know

if you still care don't ever let me know

:P

2009-10-18T16:30:00.002-05:00

(warning: whiny, cryptic rant ahead.)

i've been feeling really weird, really off, these last few days. i know in my head what i want and need to get done, but nothing's coming. i'm going through a time of banging my head against a wall repeatedly. there's no real reason why i can't get past that wall...i just can't.

maybe i'm scared of change. maybe i'm scared to fail. maybe i've convinced myself so well that anything i could possibly do would be a disappointment that some switch has flipped in my brain to tell myself that it's better not to even try, and therefore let people continue to think i might be able to do something that i'm convinced there's no way i'll actually be able to wrap my head around.

my ipod smokes crack rocks.

2009-10-16T16:50:00.003-05:00

i'm at the hackerspace reading through some 501(c)(3) documentation. a couple of other people are here. my iPod is playing over the speakers.

it played "through the fire and flames" by dragonforce...

..followed by "i want it that way" by the backstreet boys.

if the other guys here didn't realise what a weirdo i was, they sure know now. :)

ad fail

2009-10-04T20:39:00.003-05:00

i saw an extremely infuriating ad for Chicago Public Schools this afternoon on the #152 bus.

it was part of their "Just Go! to school" campaign, and the point of the ad is that if you went to school and graduated, you could grow up to be like the people on the ad. it had pictures of four people, with their occupation, their name, and name of the Chicago public high school from which they graduated. one of them was a journalist and television news anchor, one was a singer, one was an Olympic athlete and business owner, and one was an attorney and nonprofit director.

the journalist and news anchor was listed as such. the singer was listed as such. the athlete and entrepreneur was listed as such. the attorney and nonprofit director was not listed as such, but rather listed as First Lady of the United States.

that drives me crazy. i'm not trying to allege that it's not pretty cool to be the First Lady. however, the point is that you are supposed to finish school in order to give yourself the tools to build an interesting career for yourself. i'm not trying to discount any role Michelle Obama had in helping to get Barack Obama elected. she's a well-spoken public figure, and an asset to the White House.

however, listing her career as "First Lady" implies that the reason that she's worth holding up as an example is that she's married to the president. this is simply not true. it trivializes the fact that she had a successful career as an attorney, in the mayor's office, with nonprofits in town, and with the University of Chicago. she did enough interesting stuff on her own to merit holding up as an example of how education can take you down a good path.

if you get right down to it, you're more likely to meet someone of potentially presidential calibre if you stay in school and go to college and run in circles where the talented and the powerful run. but, i don't reckon that's the message that Chicago Public Schools wants to disseminate: "stay in school and get a really sweet MRS."

in other words, this ad slighted both the achievements of Michelle Obama and the value of staying in school in one fell swoop.

twitter done right

2009-10-04T14:09:00.003-05:00

some tweets are good enough to re-tweet. few tweets are good enough to blog:

"Last night's sweater smells this morning like the ghost of 118 hugs. All perfumes cancel themselves out and smell like a 747's bathroom."

thank you, Douglas Coupland. you really are my favourite living author. not only are your books awesome, but sometimes you manage to weave something beautiful into a tweet. the image of "the ghost of 118 hugs" is something i doubt i'll ever forget.

i love seether.

2009-10-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

ohai

2009-09-27T11:42:00.002-05:00

it's been a while, i know. it seems the more that's going on in my life, the less i have to say about it.

this weekend, i've been chilling out in DC. in fact, i'm still there...i leave tomorrow, early afternoon. it has been an amazing weekend so far. there was an informal hacker meetup (BeaveCon, if you will...) that materialised because a bunch of people happened to be in town for various things on this weekend. so, of course, that led to people who were going to be there convincing their friends to come, who in turn convinced other friends to come down...which mushroomed into a heck of a party on friday night. it was really nice to hang out with people who i don't normally see except at hacker cons, but in a casual environment free from the stresses or insanity of actually having a con going on.

speaking of hacker meetups, is there anyone who lives in Chicago (or will be coming through Chicago this coming Friday) who wants to come to a hacker happy hour on Friday night? if so, it's your lucky day, and you should email or comment me so i can let you know the details. :)

i'mma let you finish...

2009-09-16T10:34:00.002-05:00

from kanye west douchebag, i present the first one of these crazy lolkanyes that have been taking over the internet that has actually made me laugh hysterically:

what can i say? i'm a sucker for Lamarck references...

pride

2009-09-14T00:19:00.002-05:00

Mark takes people who couch their gay-bashing in religious terms to task wonderfully here.

amen.

a year

2009-09-11T09:52:00.002-05:00

it was just over a year ago when i started my job at the law firm...september 8, 2008. it feels like that was longer ago than that. all the events of the summer of 2008 seem so far away, really: finishing law school, studying for the bar, taking the bar, starting the job with the law firm. the idea of having spent large swaths of my week in an office instead of at pumping station: one (which didn't even exist at the time...) feels absurd. it feels like last summer was another person's life, or at least some other life i lived before this one.

a year ago, i thought that a hackerspace was a temporary installation at a convention where people could meet up to tinker with hardware. now, i know that they are interdisciplinary, creative, and persistent communities.

a year ago, i thought it was healthy for there to be no overlap whatsoever between my career and my interests outside of work. now, i know that any career that doesn't tie into interests i have outside of work will be an extremely poor fit.

a year ago, i thought it was a good thing that there was a complete disconnect between who i was at work and who i was outside of it. now, i know that i'm not suited to live that lie.

a year ago, i thought that i would make my career practicing law. now, i know i won't.

summer songs

2009-09-08T23:54:00.003-05:00

i posted today on my twitter feed, asking everyone what song reminded them of the summer of 2009. it's weird...i don't usually have songs that remind me of any other seasons, per se, but every single year i have a summer song. my summer songs are never the bubblegum stuff associated with the term "summer song"...since i really don't listen to anything all that bouncy, i think only two of these (1998 and 2007) even come close to the traditional idea of a summer song. sometimes the song was released that year, sometimes it wasn't. but, every year since i started listening to a lot of music, i can think back to that summer and always hear one specific song playing in my head as the soundtrack.

1997: "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
1998: "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger
1999: "She Has Faces" by The Verve Pipe
2000: "Sick Of It All" by Finger Eleven
2001: "No One" by Cold
2002: "Fine Again" by Seether
2003: "Caught In The Rain" by Revis
2004: "The Nurse With Amnesia" by Shades of Fiction
2005: "Time To Waste" by Alkaline Trio
2006: "Cold (But I'm Still Here)" by Evans Blue
2007: "It's The End Of The Western" by Wesley Willis
2008: "Got It Made" by Seether
2009: "Tonight Is The Night I Fell Asleep At The Wheel" by Barenaked Ladies

i should really make a playlist of these songs, as a kind of mental wayback machine.

thoughts

2009-09-06T19:54:00.001-05:00

i just pulled out a very tangible reminder of the double life i used to lead: a little plastic business card case. one side, the side with the clear cover, was full of my business cards from the law firm. the other side, the side with the opaque black plastic cover, was full of my chicago flag business cards with my personal e-mail address and website.

i'm so glad that's not my life anymore.

unlike games, it has a real computer keyboard!

2009-09-05T10:23:00.001-05:00

it's william shatner.

advertising the commodore vic-20.

i can think of few geekier advertisements.

more tubes!

2009-08-25T17:32:00.002-05:00

i have a website now!

no, i'm not moving this blog. this is for my personal rants. rogueclown.net, my new site, is a home for all of my computer and hacking projects. it'll be really nice to have a separate place for that.

so...if you're interested in that stuff, check it out! i don't have a whole lot up there, since i just brought it up today, but it should get really interesting in the coming months.

zyzzx road

2009-08-25T13:34:00.002-05:00

"zzyzx road"
by stone sour

i don't know how else to put this
it's taken me so long to do this
i'm falling asleep and i can't see straight
my muscles feel like a melee
my body's curled in a u-shape
i put on my best but i'm still afraid

propped up by lies and promises
saving my place as life forgets
maybe its time i saw the world
i'm only here for a while
but patience is not my style
and i'm so tired that i gotta go

what am i supposed to hide now
what am I supposed to do
did you really think i wouldn't see this through
tell me i should stick around for you
tell me i could have it all
i'm still too tired to care and i gotta go

i get to go home in one week
but i'm leaving home in three weeks
they throw me a bone just to pick me dry
i'm following suit and directions
i crawl up inside for protection
i'm told what to do and i don't know why

i'm over existing in limbo
i'm over the myths and placebos
i don't really mind if i just fade away
i'm ready to live with my family
i'm ready to die in obscurity
'cause i'm so tired that i gotta go

where am i supposed to hide now
what am i supposed to do
you still don't think i'm going see this through
tell me i'm a part of history
tell me i can have it all
i'm still too tired to care and i gotta go

still too tired to care and i gotta go
still too tired to care and i gotta go
still too tired to care and i gotta go
still too tired to care and i gotta go
go home
still too tired to care and i gotta go
still too tired to care and i gotta go

i think i found the right song.

2009-08-23T09:17:00.003-05:00

"what you live by"
by harvey danger

meet me up on ninety-nine
beneath the marco polo sign
i’ll be the one with a box of wine
and a hundred dollar car

we could talk about the lives we’ve led
and count the reasons we’re not dead
or maybe we could talk instead
about the ways in which we are

always nothing or too much to say
only so many sides of the record to play
and the song that got stuck in my head
said you die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
every time

like carnivores to carnal pleasures
so will we to desperate measures
melting into stagnant puddles
beat down by the sun

i went to school
i didn’t stay
spoke right up when i had nothing good to say
and i said it to anyone who would listen

lay me down in the bed that i made
starved for sleep by the shrill serenade
singing over and over:
you die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
every time

you die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
you will die by what you live by
every time

?

2009-08-22T08:19:00.001-05:00

it's horribly unnerving when you can't find the right song for how you feel. there's no way my amalgam of emotions is anything new or interesting, but i'm still trying to find someone else on my playlist who has felt it and vocalised it.

i <3 bad puns.

2009-08-21T05:43:00.002-05:00

today's xkcd is amazing, although there's part of me that wonders what took them so long to make such a characteristically xkcd pun.

dispatches

2009-08-18T06:26:00.002-05:00

HAR was ridiculous, and ridiculously awesome.

not much time for details now, since i'm still away (and don't want to get too sucked into the intertubes to explore Amsterdam some more!), but it suffices to say that i'm still alive, i'm still in Europe, and i really, really, really don't want to get on the plane tomorrow.

the jetset life is gonna kill you...

2009-08-10T01:45:00.002-05:00

i'm finally recovered from defcon. that's a good thing, since i'm heading off to yet another con this week.

on tuesday morning, i fly out to new york city. i have about a day and a half to goof off with Rob...i'm not quite sure what we're going to be doing, but whatever it is, it'll be lots of fun. :)

then, wednesday afternoon, it's back to jfk to meet up with hackers on a plane and fly to europe! we get into dusseldorf on thursday morning, meet up with some german hackers, and take a bus the last hour and a half to hacking at random! i'm simultaneously excited and nervous about the trip...excited because i'm going to be meeting new places, seeing new people, and learning a lot at the con, and nervous because i haven't flown internationally in over a decade, and because i'm going to be going to countries where i don't know the language at all.

that being said, it's going to be a blast, and i'm sure i'll have plenty of crazy stories to tell when i'm back.

some people are stupid.

2009-08-09T23:10:00.001-05:00

$250,000? really?

testing...testing...1...2...YIKES!

2009-08-07T02:34:00.000-05:00

i love jokes with long, elaborate setup.

i love when Black Hat does mischievous things.

for these reasons, i declare today's xkcd to be full of win. <3

shame on you, North Carolina.

2009-08-05T16:16:00.003-05:00

recently, the North Carolina General Assembly passed a law mandating that Governor's School charge a $500 per student tuition.

this makes me extremely sad.

if there had been tuition for Governor's School in 1998, i would not have been able to go. it was that simple. when i was in high school, my family didn't have money. they would not have been able to drop $500 for something so seemingly frivolous as sending me to summer camp. since it was completely state-sponsored, however, i got the chance to go.

and, it was far from frivolous. in fact, it was the best experience of my high school years.

my Area I class was choral music...and, when else was i going to get the chance to sing so much avant-garde music? it was unlike anything i had ever sung before, and i still hear bits and pieces of "when david heard" and "funeral ikos" pop into my head eleven years later. when else were we going to face the question as to whether it was artistic or unpatriotic to sing a bitonal arrangement of The Star-Spangled Banner at a minor league baseball game? from the environment of my hometown and my high school? i say, nowhere else was i going to experience any of that. Area II discussed philosophy, and Area III discussed psychology...two topics that were hardly even alluded to in my home high school. yet there, at Governor's School, i got the chance to read and discuss writings about how the mind worked, and how we fit into society as a whole, with students from all over the state, with students in all different Area I concentrations...something i would not have otherwise been given the chance to do until several years later, in college.

still, the academic level is nowhere near the whole story.

i learned a lot in my classes, but it was also so much more than that. at my home high school, i was very much a loner. i didn't get along with the vast majority of my classmates, and didn't feel like i had very much in common with them. Governor's School opened my eyes to the previously absurd idea that there may be people floating around with whom i had something in common. it was nothing short of life-affirming to spend a summer around four hundred unabashedly intelligent peers. those six weeks were about the only time in my entire high school career that i spent my evenings socializing instead of writing horrendously emo poetry about how much my life sucked and how little i fit in. of course, not all academically gifted students were as alienated or socially inept as i was in high school, but many are. and, there is no way that i'm the only student whose eyes were opened in this way thanks to Governor's School.

and now, students whose parents can't afford an extra $500 out of a tight budget are getting locked out of this experience.

it's so strange that in the same paragraph of the law that authorizes this tuition, free public schools are mentioned several times. Governor's School is an extension and an enrichment of that service. it is a chance for academically gifted students to meet other academically gifted students from all over the state. the whole point of Governor's School is that only your talent and your intelligence mattered for getting in...it didn't matter if you were from a small town or a big city, and it didn't matter if you were from a rich family or a poor one. eight hundred students a year got the opportunity to leave town for the summer and find a home, without regard to the socioeconomic barriers that blocked access to just about any other summer opportunity for talented students.

in short, Governor's School was the most valuable six weeks of my free public education in North Carolina, and it's a shame that students in my position nowadays will not be able to have the opportunity i had eleven years ago.