Tales From The Giving End of A Tattoo Machine

Hooray for boobies

2010-02-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

I tattoo in a theme park. We get lots of tourist traffic and many of them are surprised that we do "real tattoos" here. Well, today a young lady came in to get a little tattoo on her arm, which was already mostly covered with other work that she had gotten back home. Oh, and she just so happened to be "well endowed." She was "smuggling midgets?" That is, she had a nice set of sweater cows, fun bags, hoo-has, knockers, flesh pillows, mammories, cans, melons, balloons, jugs, chesticles, bazongas, dual airbags. Got it? It's a joke, son.
Ok, now that we have that out of the way. I am tattooing away on this girl when a younger guy peeks over the counter and watches us for a second before asking, "Are those real?!?"

"Excuse me?", she asks.
I start laughing...

Of course he was asking about the tattoos.... ( . )( . )

Random Conversations....

2010-02-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

This is a small collection of strange conversations and/or situations that unfolded inside fo various tattoo shops...

Customer:    Do you tattoo the inside of lips?
Me:    Sure, what do you want it to say?
Customer:    Just “BBQ”
Me:              Why, because you like putting meat on your grill?

Customer:   I want a tattoo on my lower back, I want some tribal with NBA in the middle. How much is that?
Me:             It depends on size and final design and everything, but you can expect $150-300.
Customer:   OK, I just checking (AKA, I know a guy who does tattoos in his basement who does it for real
     cheap, he screwed up my friend’s tattoo and you can’t really tell what it is, but he only paid $20 for it, I
       just have to wait until he gets out of jail again.)
Me: Cool, Is NBA your initials or do you just really like basketball?
Customer:      Naw, it stand for “Nothin’ But Ass”

Me:       Ok, I have that name drawn up for you (I hand her the drawing)
Customer:     Yeah I like it, but could you just add some… (tilts her heads to the side and scrunches her face,
                     then twittles her fingers around, as if to spread sparkles on the drawing)
Me:                Pixie Dust?
Customer:    (Springs back to center and smiles) YEAH!!
*I have come to learn the preferred method to distribute pixie dust. I have also learned that if a client wants more (tilts head, scrunches face, the wiggles a single digit in a spiral motion), this is the universal symbol for “filigree”. The skills that I have learned here will be utilized in all aspects of my life. And I am thankful.

Customer:     Do you do coverups?
Me:               Sure what do you have?
Customer: I have this Taz that I got done (He rambles on for a few minutes. I think happy thoughts) and I
                    don't like it.
Me:          Ok, your tattoo is pretty light, I think we can do something with it. What did you have in mind?
Customer:    Could you just cover it with a bigger Taz?
*My friend/coworker laughs out loud, questioning the guys sincerity. Sadly, he never came back to get it done. That tattoo would have had a permanent place in my portfolio.

For my best F-in friend

2010-02-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

It’s always a shame when you have to do a portrait of someone who has passed on someone that was close to them. It can get very emotional when you and your client get to talking about the persons life and stories, good and bad. Most times, the client wants a picture of their mother or father or other family member along with something nice to help them remember their life and cope with their loss. One day a younger "urban" kid comes in to the tattoo shop asking about prices for portraits.
“How much for a picture on my back?” he says with an urban drawl.
“Usually portraits start out around $300, do you have the picture?” I asked.
He pulls a small photo from his pocket of a young kid who couldn’t have been more that 20 years old. He’s looks like he was no stranger to the streets.
“He got shot last month, that was my boy.”
That sucks, I know what it’s like to lose a friend. I tell him that doing the tattoo won’t be a problem at all and that I thought it was a nice way to remember his friend.

“Well, I’m just looking for a price right now” he says.

“OK, do you want JUST the portrait or do you want to add R.I.P. or anything?” I ask him.

“Yeah, um” he says “ I want it to say…”

He looks up at the roof, visualizing his options.

“Can you make it say…” he pauses, then swoops his hand making a rainbow shape. “If Ya’ll See That F*ck N*gga That Did Me, DUMP”

Now, for those who are not street savvy, "dump" can mean to recklessly unload the contents of a firearm or other weapon into or at a specified target. The additional projectiles, although superfluous, ensure that the target will cease to exist.
It can also mean to defecate.
I am almost positive that he was referring to the first one.

Well, he never did come back to get it done, and I have so many unanswered questions. Let us say that he DID in fact get the tattoo done. Then, a few years down the road, they do in fact see "that f*ck n*gga" and proceed to "dump", would he then need to update his tattoo? Perhaps something along the lines of "thanks for dumping"? The world may never know.

PeePee!!

2010-02-01T20:17:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while, it’s bound to happen. Your client needs a touch-up. It can be from poor application, improper aftercare, skin reactions, or just less than ample ink saturation in the skin. Regardless of the cause, any artist worth a damn will take care of his clients and back up his/her work, unless obvious signs of neglect are present.
I had a young man come in to get his tattoo redone one day with his girlfriend to keep him company. It just needed a little more red and I wasn’t busy so we started on the project immediately. He was always quick to joke around and was a bit of a goof, so we got along just fine. Mind you, he already sat through the whole tattoo once (about 45 minutes of work) and we would just be doing a quick 15 minute session to take care of the light spots. As the machine started hum-ming it’s long monotone serenade, I noticed that he was having a bit of trouble with the pain. I asked him if he was alright and he smiled and nodded, then relaxed back into his chair. Once the needles touched skin again, he sat back up and cringed a little bit and asked, “Hey, do you mind if we take a quick break?”

“No problem” I turned to set my machine down. When I turned back, he was leaning on his girlfriend with a zombie-esque look on his face. With his reputation as a goofball his girlfriend shrugs him away and tells him to knock it off. Just then, his whole body tenses up and he starts into a small seizure. She FREAKS OUT!! I jump up and brace him and he comes to all bumfuzzled and starts asking what happened. I tell him that everything is cool, this stuff hap-pens, and his girlfriend and I lay him out on a nearby dental chair. Wew, that was close. And not very funny.
We get him something to drink and he soon starts feeling better, still confused about what happened, but says that he is ready to finish the work. As he stands up says “Hey, did you have to throw water me to get me to wake up?”
“Um, no, we just sat you down and you were fine”
“Oh no” he says, “This has happened before. I pissed myself when I blacked out!” Now he is feeling really embarrassed, pissing himself in front of his girlfriend and a shop full of people. I feel bad for the guy, but his tattoo needs to be finished so I ask him if he wants to hurry up and get it done or what he wants to do.
“Um, let’s just do it” he says as he sits back down in his pee-pee pants, but after a few seconds decides that he would rather come back.

Fast Foreword: His girl comes in to the shop about a month later with some other guy. I ask her if her boyfriend wants to get his tattoo finished and she tells me, “yeah, we aren’t together anymore” Let this be a lesson to all of you kids at home, if you are going to pee yourself, don’t do it in front of your girlfriend. (unless she asks you to)

After all this goes down, I finally get a call from this kid. I can tell by his soft tone that he is still embarrassed about the whole ordeal, but he manages to make a small reference to the situation, something to the nature of “I’m sorry about last time, man, I promise not to pass out.” We squeeze in a quick “lol” and start talking about making his appointment.

“Ok, I have you down for next Monday at 2PM, does that sound good?” I ask

“Yup, That works” he says “I’ll be there”

“Alright then.. Oh Hey!......” I asked, Hoping he didn't hang up.

“uh, yeah”

“Make sure you go potty first!!”

Come on, even he thought it was funny. Lighten up.

You name it...

2010-02-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

“You look familiar, have I tattooed you before?” I ask the young lady as she walks into the shop, hand in hand with her beau.

“No, you tattooed my ex-boyfriend. You tattooed my name on him, then covered it up after we broke up” she reminds me, “You did a really good job though, you can barely see it anymore, so that’s good!”

I laugh. “Well, You know what we say. Tattoos are permanent, love isn’t always! I tied to warn you, did I not?”
She joins in with a quick chuckle. “Ha, Yeah.” Clears her throat.

“So what can I do for you today?” I ask.

“He’s getting my name tattooed on him.” she adds.

You know where this is going. Despite the obvious lunacy of the situation, he walked out the door happy as pigs in shit, with a permanent reminder of a girl he loved, for a few months.

What's My Name?!?

2010-02-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

I was running a bit late for work (big surprise) and there was someone in the shop already waiting for me. It was a younger couple, probably in their mid-twenties, and you could tell right away who wore the pants. “I want my name on his back”, she snipped as he sheepishly looked down at the floor, as if he might gently kick the ground and say, “Awe shucks.” We talked about it and I reminded them that a tattoo is permanent, but love isn’t always. Despite my warning, they were set on their decision and we went ahead with the design. As he started filling out his paperwork, his female friend told us that she had some errands to run and that she’d be back in an hour.

Now that she’s gone he opens up and tells me of how he was caught cheating on her and now she wants her name on him so he can’t cheat any more. I laughed. “Man, are you sure you want to get this?” I asked as he finished signing the release form. “Yeah, it’s cool,” he says “I can just say that it’s an old ex-girlfriends name if I am looking for some strange.” Wow, that’s good comedy. Yet. it gets better. I continue setting up to do the tattoo and I have him write her name down for me, as per usual, and head back to the drawing table to design something for him. “Treba” it says. I draw out a nice filigree style lettering with all the whips and add a small rose above it with the stem flowing across the top of the piece.

It was a mighty fine design as far as I was concerned so I went back to the front desk to see if my lustful friend shared my enthusiasm for the piece. He took a quick look at it and says, “Yeah, that’s good. She’ll like that.” The process goes rather quickly. I put the stencil on his shoulder blade, he triple checks in the mirror, then gives me to OK to get stabbing. My timing was perfect. I finished the tattoo just as Treba walked back into the shop.

They seem a lot happier now as he says, “Hey baby, check it out!”

“Ooooooh, Thaaat’s CUUUUUTE!! It looks so….. wait… That ain’t my name….. My names Treva, not Treba!!”

As she gives him an icy glare, he turns and looks at me, as if its my fault that he doesn't know how to spell his girlfriends name!

So, we sat back down and, amazingly, turned the “b” into a “v” by bringing the stem of the rose down to cover the stem of the bastard letter, making it look as if the stem had been slash cut, then sculpting the remaining lines into a perfect cursive “v”. But hey, he could have just left it and found a girl named Treba, right?

She's a Cutie!!

2010-02-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

For a while, I was all about doing black and grey portraits. I have done quite a few and have got to do some interesting pictures. Elvis, John Wayne, Kurt Cobain, and a slew of family members on their kin. But the one that really sticks out was a tattoo that I did of child’s portrait on a young lady some years ago. She came in with a picture that was just big enough for me to use and still get enough detail out of. After we decide on price, payment, and placement we set up a time and got going on the tattoo. Kids pictures can be difficult since they don't have a lot of distinguishing facial features, but we get it going and added a little lettering at the top, above the cute little girl. “Lil’ Cutie” it says, in a nice fancy script arcing just above “Lil’ Cutie’s” little cute head.

Once we get it all placed out *on her arm, right at the top by her shoulder (prime real estate)*, the tattoo was underway and she was handling it just fine. Well, about halfway through the tattoo, it’s coming along just fine and we start talking a bit more. You know, when you are tattooing someone, you get to hang out with that person for a good amount of time, depending on what they are getting. After studying this picture for a good few hours, I say to my client, “Yeah, this is cool, she IS a little cutie!”.

She looks at me funny and says, “Who?” Baffled, I reply, “Your daugh-ter!”, as I point to the tattoo that is half done on her arm.

“Oh, that’s not my daughter.” She paused, then continued, “That’s me.”

Now, is it just me or is that a little conceited? First off, unless you are Steve-O, who gets a self portrait tattoo? And second, the audacity to add “Lil’ Cutie” above it? Is it just me? Because if not, I want a portrait of myself with “Gnarly Little Surf Machine” above it, holding a double neck guitar.

I Love Skulls

2010-02-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

I started tattooing just before tattooing got popular, so I was eased into it. One of my first, in what would be nearly a decade of such events, was a simple cover-up tattoo. Well, a redo, actually. A guy comes in to the shop one day and asks about adding on to an old skull tattoo that he had gotten way back when. So, he starts telling me all about it, who did it, where it was done, how it healed, what he had for lunch the day after... you know, the usual. Well, his skull looked like a typical “old school” tattoo, which he wanted redone.

“Yeah, that’s doable”, I assured him.

But he cut me off with, “Oh, but I want to have him wearing a hardhat.”

I said, “Well, that‘s no problem. The original tattoo is light, so we’ll dump some color in the hat, no problem.”

“Oh, and can we make it say ‘Thompson’s Affordable Home Improvement’ above it??”, he asked.

Ok, that’s kind of strange. I tell him that it’s doable and give him a price, which he thinks is a little too steep. So, after talking about it for a short time, he came up with his solution. “How about ‘Thompsons Affordable Home Imp.’?”, he says. Now that’s funny. I tell him, “Hey, there’s a lot of other ways we can work something out, maybe smaller letters or a different font?” But, he now has his mind set. Well, the customer is always right, except when they’re not. I did the tattoo and he walked away with something he was proud of. But I think it IS a great way to advertise, and maybe even write it off on you taxes. If you are ever in the market for a Home Imp., think Thompsons Home Imp.

Here it is

2009-11-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

Another Owl Tattoo

2009-11-23T13:45:00.000-08:00

I got to do this lil guy on a nice young ladies foot. He's tired.

2009-11-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

Here are a few of the newer tattoo pics.

Miami Tattoolapalooza Show

2009-11-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

This tattoo was done not all that long ago...

Here is one from the Miami Convention. It's a "cave kid" discovering tools. I don't know how a cave kid and a lighter exist in the same timeline, but hey..

Here we go!

2009-11-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Now I can keep you up to date a bit easier and (hopefully) more frequently with new pics and info from your favorite tattoo artist!! I have a lot of new work to post, so let's get gettin'...

See all of my work currently at www.ChadStoneTattoos.com along with pics, info, and travel dates.