The least interesting blog

Anna the electronic lion

2012-04-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

This post is about Anna. She isn't a lion or electronic, but if you ask her name, she'll tell you she is. Anna drops things from time to time. She also talks. If you ask her to move, she just may not do it. She has been known to keep company with people who talk too loud. Anna does not like writing about sequences of events for which she may be disciplined for, but she'll do it if she has to. Anna's husband knows more about death than she does. Anna cooks her tomatoes when she makes pasta salad. Anna sits in front and one chair to the right of me in class, right next to the girl who always shakes the dandruff out of her hair onto my table. Anna doesn't read my blog so I said I was going to blog about her.

Things I learned today:

nothing, it's not even noon yet.

This is a work of fiction

2012-04-10T23:38:00.000-04:00

I am dying. Everyone is dying, some slowly, others quickly. According to the Oncologist I spoke to earlier this week, I am in the latter group. I have pancreatic cancer, one of the deadliest forms of a deadly disease. Only 5% of people who have pancreatic cancer will be still be living 5 years after their diagnosis. In my particular case the cancer is well progressed and cannot be surgically removed, I will be lucky to be here a year from now.

Obviously I have been in a bit of a whirlwind over the last number of days. This type of thing kind of hits you like a ton of bricks. As a 31 year old, seemingly healthy male, you just don’t see this type of thing coming. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was bouncing along through life, pursuing a degree, running a business, raising 3 wonderful little kids and waiting for a fourth to show up. I have always approached life with a dose of humor and in a laid back demeanor. In some ways, I have to wade through these feelings and emotions in much the same manner. I don’t know any other way; I guess it’s how I cope. It’s hard though, I’ve never been here before. I have no idea what to do, what to say, who to turn to, who to run to.

My wife has been a mess since we heard the news. She has a lot on her plate. Three kids, a fourth coming in three months, and the knowledge that she will soon be on her own. I hate that. As a husband, I am supposed to be her support. I’m supposed to provide for her. I’m supposed to make her smile, make her laugh. I really believe that she will be able to find a way to make it through; I know she will have more help than she knows what to do with from family and friends, at least for a while. But it kills me to see the pain she is in, the fear she feels, and the gigantic unknown that is looming over her. She doesn’t do well with unknowns. That’s my department, but I can’t reassure her. I can’t tell her it will be ok, or we’ll get through it. In a lot of ways, I’ve been the one she leans on when times are hard. Obviously a change is coming. I think the best way to describe it is it’s like a cloud. It’s always there, it puts you to bed and it wakes you back up. Sometimes, when you first wake up, you might have a beautiful second, maybe two, before it hits you. The cloud returns. This is what my wife is dealing with. You can’t hide from it. You can’t distract yourself, not even for a few minutes, it’s always there.

I don’t think either one of us knows how to support each other through this. I can tell that she feels like she needs to be there for me. I’m in pain, and headed for a lot more. She wants to nurture, she wants to walk with me as I try to process and cope. But she is hurting, she can’t function in the same way she has for the 8 years we’ve been married. Normally she would be pouring out her fears and frustrations to me, but I can tell she holds back because she doesn’t want to put any extra burden on me. She’s pitying me. It is hard to see this. It’s hard to know that your wife doesn’t feel like she can lean on you. But the truth is I don’t know how to help her. I don’t have a clue. The problem is there are no answers. There are a million questions, but there just aren’t any answers.

We haven’t told the kids. How can we? To be honest, I’m afraid to tell them. I know I’ll break down. I’ve practiced several times, but I just can’t do it yet. If I push everything out of my mind, I can still be carried by their hugs and smiles and laughs and cries. They are the ones who are holding me up right now, keeping me from sliding into a pit of depression. It takes every bit of self-control that I can muster to keep from breaking down during the times that I can’t keep the thoughts from rushing in. They are the thoughts that remind me that my son won’t play baseball in the back yard with his Dad. The thoughts that my daughters won’t come running to the door, squealing, when their Daddy comes home, and their youngest sister will never even remember her Dad. The thoughts that tell me that my kids will have to watch me wither away, getting weaker, riddled with pain. They’re last memory of me will most likely be their worst. I hate that, it hurts. It frustrates me, it angers me, it terrifies me.

This isn’t what Dads are supposed to be. Dads are strong. Dads are smart. Dads are tough. Dads do things like scrape their arm while fixing the car, tear off the dangling piece of skin, wipe the blood on their jeans and pick the wrench back up. Dads are the ones you can run to when you’re hurt or scared. Dads tell you that you’re pretty; they tell you you’re tough, they tell you that you’re a princess; they wrestle you down and tickle you while you laugh and squeal. Dads help you gang up on mommy and tickle her. I won’t be all of that and I can’t decide if this bit of knowledge makes me want to put my hand through a wall or sob uncontrollably. I have such a crazy mix of fear, anger, hurt, and just a tiny bit of self-pity.

I, as I’m sure most husbands and fathers do, have a deep desire to be a rock of sorts for my family. I know that I need to be that more than ever during this time. I hope that I can help my wife and my kids to push through the pain. I desperately hope that we can have the best few months of our lives. I guess that’s my goal. I’m sure it’s a common reaction in individuals with terminal illnesses. But it’s a strong reaction and a good one. I hope I can help us all to deal with the pain but focus on the positive. I hope that I can be remembered by my kids and wife as a comfort, as a rock. I’m usually pretty good about staying positive and I hope that I can keep a smile through the pain. But I want to make sure that we aren’t pushing away the hurt, burying it down for it to rear its ugly head years down the road. I want to help my family process this in a healthy way. I want to do everything I can to help them in the future. I guess knowing that I’ll be gone gives me a desperation for doing everything I can for them while I am here.

Being a relatively young 31 years old, I feel like my focus is more on what I can still do as opposed to what I have done. I imagine that if I were 20 years older I may be looking back at my life with a mix of satisfaction and regret, thinking of what I wish I had done more of and what I had done less of. But having young children, I am still in the “provide and protect” mode of fatherhood. I haven’t spent much time reflecting on my life, deciding if I have done enough or been enough. I guess I feel like I haven’t, maybe that’s why I have such a drive to do what I can for my family while I am still here. I feel like I have a million things that I want to teach my son. I want to sum up what he will need to learn in the next 15 years and dump it all on him now. But then I look at my daughters and I’m overwhelmed again with what I want them to know. Maybe the thing that scares me when I look at my kids is that I know that there is usually a hard way to learn things and I won’t be there to help them find the easy way.

I have to remind myself often that my wife and my kids will not be alone. It feels like they will be, and I know my wife is dreading the coming loneliness that she undoubtedly will encounter. But we really have a great support system. Our families have always been quick to lend a helping hand, and we have a number of really great friends around us who I’m sure will jump up to help clean the house, or make a meal, or take the kids out for ice cream while my wife gets some much needed peace and quiet. I know the support will be there. Even now, for me, I have a couple very close friends who I know I will need to lean on during this time, guys who have shared a lot of good and bad times with me through the years. I have never realized just how deep and wide my support system really is until now.

I know that my last few months will be hard, too hard; they will be filled with tears and hugs and uncontrollable shaking, flowers and meals and empty silence. There will be pain and painkillers, vomit and blood, and awkward conversations in the most random of places. But I hope and pray that they will also be filled with memories that will bring a smile for years to come.

More Ranting

2012-04-08T17:16:00.000-04:00

I remembered the other thing. It is microwaves. What's the deal with those things. The beeper drives me nuts...er. Do we really need a loud shrill beep to tell us that what we put in the microwave 45 seconds ago is done? I could understand having an option for the few times you cook something longer than a few minutes and want a reminder that it is done, but really, it's overkill.

Things I learned today:

Sun.

Ranting 2.0

2012-04-03T22:05:00.000-04:00

I remembered!!!!!!

One of the things (still can't remember the other) I was going to rant about was Tom's Shoes. You buy a 4 dollar pair of shoes for 54 dollars and they give a 4 dollar pair to a kid in a 3rd world country (4 dollars is being generous for those shoes). That's all fine, but it's a marketing scheme, not humanitarian aid. Call it what it is. It's a very smart marketing ploy.

Personally I get annoyed by such schemes, "buy our shoes at a ridiculous price because we give what amounts to like 4% to charity."

I mean, I guess it's better than nothing, but my point is that without the ploy they wouldn't be able to sell these shoes. Especially not for any more than 20 bucks. The idea is noble, but they're using it to make a huge profit, not to help kids without shoes.

Judge people much?

You know what is cool? You don't really need to go to all the bother of wishing someone a happy birthday on Facebook. Just wait till later in the day when they post something to the effect of "Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes, you guys are the best." Then just write a "you're welcome" comment. They never realize that you never actually wished them a happy birthday. I've only been caught like once. Huge time saver.

What's with Scooby Doo? That cat's crazy.

I've always been pretty decent at spelling, but I feel like I'm getting bad at it. Is that possible? I had to ask Jenny how to spell "decision" today. I'll type a word sometimes and then stare at it for a while thinking "that can't be right" but completely blanking.

Speaking of blanking, I started making some baked oatmeal this morning and then realized I had no eggs. So I jumped in the car and headed to some friends' house a couple miles away (they have chickens and I knew they would be gone so I could steal some eggs). I got a mile down the road and totally blanked on how to get there. I sat at this stop sign for like a whole minute trying to figure it out. I may write my next blog about the tumor that is obviously forming in my brain.

Things I learned today:

I can rebuild a Kohler 16 hp engine...apparently (at least at this point it seems that it's gonna run)

Concrete is heavy.

I have a very easy math test to take tomorrow.

I need a new starter for my Kohler engine.

I don't need a new starter for my Kohler engine (learned this literally 10 minutes after I ordered one).

It won't be long before we'll have to start doubling recipes just to feed our family. We cleared all but one piece of a 9x13 pan of baked oatmeal this morning.

ranting

2012-04-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

I distinctly remember that I was going to rant about something in my next blog. There were actually 2 separate topics that I had thought would make for a good rant post. I haven't done much ranting on here so I thought I'd give it a try. You all know how opinionated I can be.

Obviously you've figured out by now that I can't remember either thing that I was planning on ranting about. Sometimes I forget things. Only sometimes, not like 10 times a day or anything.

So I really don't know what to tell you, I do apologize though. I'll probably remember in a couple days or so.

In other news, what's with my wife? She's been sick for like 5 days or something, it's getting really old. I've been super stressed because of it.

SQUIRREL!!!!!

Do you take detours? I never do. I don't know why. I always go around the road closed signs cuz I just have to know if it's really closed. It's come back to bite me numerous times. I think like 2 or 3 times it hasn't really been all that closed. What's with that? Just take the detour dummy.

So it's been April all day, kinda nice. We should have more Aprils in the year. I'd say that April is my favorite of the first four months of the year.

Do you ever feel sorry for the professors who have to read the papers I turn in? Can you imagine 6 pages of this junk? 12 pages? I would make a horrible teacher, HORRIBLE. I would be fully aware that anything I assign I would then have to grade. There would be no way to separate the 2. All my assignments would end up being on a scan tron of some sort. Also, I'm bad at teaching things.

Things I learned today (maybe I should change this to "since my last post"):

Jen is still sick.

Matt is going to Detroit.

Codi is going a long ways away.

The lab report that I worked on till 2 am last night wasn't due today, it's 2 weeks from today.

The flu shot might not be a bad idea (at least for Jen).

There is an equal amount of surfactant in our alveoli, thus, as the alveolar radius decreases the concentration of surfactant increases which decreases surface tension and pressure.

Incomplete thoughts

2012-03-28T10:32:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered?

The crazy thing about frogs is the way that you can find them and then

Women are like a good piece of fabric

Ok, lets play a game. Finish this sentence

I can't wait till I have another arm around here

It's weird that kids

Sometimes I think

Sometimes I think that

Bears, I know, crazy right?

The thing about life, and we all have one, is that you can't go around dreaming, not that you can't dream because believe you me, I'll be the last one to go down that road. Of course it's not a road per say (I have no idea how to spell that expression) it's really more like a slide, the kind they have at McDonalds, the good McDonalds with the huge playplace, those things are nice. Of course the "niceness" only lasts for so long, it has to be a nightmare to try to keep those things clean. If you're gonna clean something real good you're gonna want to use a mixture of bleach and ammonia, which apparently gives off toxic fumes. I found that oat the hard way when I was cleaning a bathroom in Colorado which was fed by like the 7th largest natural spring in Colorado. That was some seriously good water, it tasted like clear, exactly like clear, which is my favorite color, not really, that's just a joke I do, you see, clear isn't even a color, it's clear. I also like to tell people that my favorite color is gray (or is it grey? I looked it up once but I still can't remember). That's not really my own material, it's just a line from the song "Mr. Jones." It was a popular song in the 90's, my teenage years, those were some years. Years are like a box of rain tied to a string, hung from the tallest tree on a deserted island. That's not a line from a song, it's just some more nonsense, and we don't really have time for nonsense round here (another Counting Crows song from the 90's, my teenage years, those were some years. Years are like a box of rain tied to a string, hung from the tallest tree on a deserted island. That's not a line from a song, it's just some more nonsense, and we don't really have time for nonsense round here (another Counting Crows song from the 90's, my teenage years, those were some years. Years are like a box of rain tied to a string, hung from the tallest tree on a deserted island. That's not a line from a song, it's just some more nonsense, and we don't really have time for nonsense round here (another Counting Crows song from the 90's, my teenage years...wait...I feel like I'm having some deja vu, like I'm in a loop, not like a loop of Henle, which is in our kidney, it filters the pee or something. Isn't it crazy how that all works.

But that's all neither here nor there...

Things I learned today:

Sesame Street is hilarious. Somebody just opened up Pandora's lunch box.

Kadin can read, it blows my mind.

Eco Stain is a horrible product, just plain bad on all fronts, I severely dislike.

My wife is greater than I thought. She let me sleep till almost 8 since I was up with sick kids till 1 and a half, then she made me coffee, then she fell asleep on the couch.

It's really hard to shave your ears.

Showers aren't all bad.

Super Grover 2.0's motto is "He shows up." Seriously, Sesame Street is hilarious.

This is not a blog.

2012-03-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

No blog today because I am busy entertaining my Aunt Sara.

Things I learned today-

Nothing, nothing at all, not even a little bit.

Best Blog Post Ever!

2012-03-23T00:10:00.000-04:00

I have decided I can't keep up this unending blog based on the uninteresting things of the world. As it turns out, this world is pretty interesting. So tonight I am taking a break. That's right, I hope I haven't disappointed anyone, I'll be writing an interesting blog tonight. I know that both of my regular readers have grown to love the boring rambling that usually takes place in this corner of the interweb, but I just can't keep it up. I will pick up where I left off tomorrow, I promise. To be honest, it's quite a relief.

The thing about writing about something interesting is that there are literally millions of possible topics. So basically, get ready to live. That's the good, the bad is that the Internet is literally filled with web pages based on interesting things. So I really feel like tonight I am just adding to the endless parade of the fascinating. I like the niche I've found, I like that I have very little competition, but I never anticipated the pressure. I guess I didn't really think this whole thing through. That's ok though, I'm not a quitter, I'll keep at it, but I may need a break every now and then, like today, or tonight, oops, I guess it's a different day now since it's 12:01 at the moment, and, this is off topic, but this is the longest sentence I've ever written, however, if you've read my other blogs, I've mentioned before that I'm not big on grammar.

I guess it's about time to get the point. What is my interesting topic for the night? Andre 3000.

Things I learned today:

This blog is the blog equivalent of my local Fox 28 News. They guarantee 50 stories every night. Guess what, there aren't 50 interesting things happening on any given day in the greater Michiana area.

I can rake dirt (who knew).

It's much easier to write stuff that people enjoy reading.

I've made over 6 dollars on these google ads...6 DOLLARS!!!!!!

The dirt in my garden is still very poor quality despite my best efforts.

We've had 9 record setting high temps in a row.

It's not a boy.

2012-03-21T22:15:00.000-04:00

For those of you who didn't actually read my blog yesterday, sham on you. It's a girl. We're having a girl, a baby girl.

It's kinda sad that I'm down one battery in my tv remotes. So when I want to change the channel I have to take a battery out of one and put it in the other. Then if I want to change the sound I have to change it back. The good thing is that neither of the battery covers on my remotes will stay on so they're easy to change.

My neck hurts, that's normal though.

You know what's weird? Sporks. How are those crazy little guys now in every household? Seriously, of all the great ideas that haven't flown, that one is a real head scratcher. I mean sliced bread is nice, but we buy bread that isn't sliced sometimes and it's not that big of a deal. I just slice it. But sporks? It doesn't get a whole lot better than that. For those who aren't familiar, a spork is what happens when a spoon and a fork cross the socialsilverwear barriers and hook up. We need sporks in our sinks, in our drawers, on our tables, in our lives. I may be getting ahead of myself here but I don't even see a problem with putting a sharp edge on it. No, that's crazy.

Quote of the day-"You can't just fake your own death through life, it's no way to not live."

Things I learned today-

I forget things.

A lot.

It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!

2012-03-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

Sort of, we had him neutered a couple weeks ago so he's barely a boy. Should keep him from trying to visit the neighborhood lady dogs (I won't use the real term obviously because it can be offensive).

Good news, I've made 8 cents off of the google ads on this blog, so I'm pretty stoked about that, 42 more and I've got myself a can of pop. Woot!

So I found out today what Jen has in her belly, it's a baby, so that's exciting. Ma and Pa are in Tucson, AZ so we tried to come up with cute way to let them know. I wanted to have Cold Stone Creamery put a certain color of ice cream in a cup and then cover it with sweat cream (is it sweat cream or sweet cream?) and have Ma and Pa come pick it up, then as they eat it they'd figure out what color the baby will be (as in pink or blue). So I called the Cold Stone in Tucson and they said they can't do that. They offered no reason why, just said no...long pause. So I said...ok..well...thanks. Weird right? Oh well, we ended up using a phone. How fun.

We did a scavenger hunt with the kids which ended with an appopriately colored prize in the mailbox.

We had chicken nuggets and fried okra for supper tonight...seriously.

I have a name picked out for this kid, it's record for us. Lia went unnamed for a day and a half. Jen's not sure about the name, but that's not really a big deal. She'll cave.

I'm eating almonds. Nuts are pretty good for you.

Things I learned today:

Lia's leg may or may not be broken. Doc said he can't tell.

People in Tucson, AZ are not eager to help you announce the gender of your child.

Those pink Oreos are not very good.

Fried okra is just not good.

Google ads can make you some serious money.

Kids are good at scavenger hunts.

It's a girl.

Really Interesting

2012-03-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

I've decided that this blog has been flirting with becoming too interesting. This calls for a fresh injection of superiorly (is that a word?) boring rambling. As I've mentioned before, and as I'm sure you are all well aware, shucks, you're probably more than well aware, although, it may not be possible to be more than well aware, a person is either aware or not aware, but all of that is neither here nor there (what's that even mean, it must be somewhere, and if it isn't here, it must be there)...oh ya, as you all know, I can ramble. So in the words of the Led Zepplings, I will do just that, ramble I mean, on...like as in Ramble On...it's a song right? I don't really know, I'm not a big Zepplings fan (just now decided to start calling them "Zepplings," or "the Zepplings"). So who am I a fan of you might ask. Well, I'm glad you asked. I am a curious case (I'm no Ben Button, but still, curious) when it comes to music. I don't like it. Really, I don't. It's ok, but I almost never listen to music if I have the choice. I'm not sure if I've ever met someone who would say they don't really like music. The weird thing is that I do like music, I just don't like to listen to it. Obviously I'm fairly handy on a few musical instruments, and music has always came sorta naturally to me. But still, I don't like to listen to it. I sort of do though...sometimes, but usually not.

Things I learned today:

Something about the cardiovascular system, I don't remember what it was.

I'm gonna need to mow soonish, which means I'll need to finish rebuilding the engine on my mower even soonerish.

There is a valve there and it will start to leak if I bump it with a 2x4.

The only shut off valve behind the other valve will break when I try to close it.

The first valve will shoot off and lead to water spraying everywhere when I start to cut it off.

I will be glad I sprung for the 4 dollar quick connect instead of trying to sweat a copper cap on.

Taxes aren't cool

grueling life of a blogger

2012-03-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

It is, for reals, it's grueling. I'm not actually sure what that word means, but it was the fastest pace on the Oregon Trail and it usually ended up getting everyone sick with dysentary or typhoid.

Do Not:

become a blogger, seriously, it's rough life.

become a career criminal (I don't have experience with this but it seems like just getting a job would be better.)

raise a son who will later lead the rebel armies against the machines (again, no experience, but the terminators always going back in time and trying to kill you is something you just don't need to deal with).

cry during girly movies, it makes you look whimpy

cry during manly movies, it makes you look really whimpy.

try taking way too much tylenol and then way too much motrin to get rid of your back pain, it won't work and you'll just end up with a gut ache to boot.

buy college textbooks, it's a total sham. You rarely need them, and buying the older edition for 5 dollars is often good enough.

get behind when you're pouring concrete, just trust me, it's real bad.

root for the Cubs, it's a rough life...is it root, or route? Neither really makes any sense.

stay up late writing in your uninteresting blog, just go to bed.

Things I learned today:

Kadin can be really sweet.

A Walk in the Clouds is a lame movie.

The Nappanee Pizza Company makes pretty good pizza.

More do nots.

2012-03-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

Do NOT:

Let your 3 year old jump on the trampoline that you just put up 5 days before. She could break her leg, even if she doesn't fall off or land awkwardly. She could just be jumping normally and snap...snap! Although it will probably just be her fibula and it might not even be a very bad fracture. So I guess if you're one of those "whatever don't killt yas, only make yas stronger" type people, then go ahead and let her jump away. She might not break anything at all. If you are one of those "if'n you'ns don't get kilt, ya'llr just gonna be stronger" types, you should know that philosophy is really not true at all. You may not be killed by a heart attack, but you may never be able to go up a flight of stairs without stopping to rest again. Really, there are a million examples like that. Basically, if you get a trampoline, be aware that even if you get a super good deal on it cuz you stood in line at Wal-Mart for 2 hours on black Friday (actually it was thursday), it may end up costing more than the sticker price once you add in the medical bills. Of course, who can say that your 3 year old wouldn't have fell off the couch that same morning while watching Super Why! and broke her arm. I guess it's your call. Maybe I should take this off the "Do NOT!" list an put it on the "You Can Do This If You Want To But Be Advised That Someone Could Break Their Leg, But Someone Could Break Their Leg Doing Just About Anything So It's Really Up To You To Decide How You Want To Live Your Life" list. Nah, I'll just leave it here because I have a substantial time investment in all of these run on sentences.

...ok, what else...

let your wife back out of your drive, she might run over your dog and then leave it on the road and call you at work and tell you to do something about it before she gets home and you'll have to go throw it in somebody's woods.

procrastinate

work ahead, cuz through some weird turn of events you may end up not needing to do whatever you did (this hasn't ever happened to me, but it could).

read The Trumpeter Swan, it's worse than this blog. No offense to whoever decided that I needed to read it to my kids. Also, no offense to the author, sometimes you swing and miss, it's cool.

route for Missouri in the 2012 NCAA basketball tournament, I saw some facebook posts that seemed to indicate that they lost and it was a big deal.

not route for Missouri if you are the kind who likes to route for teams that lose.

get in any kind of trouble ever again if your name is Brandon Marshall.

ride a motorcycle without a helmet. It's more dangerous than jumping on a trampoline.

Things I learned today:

If you let your 3 year old jump on the trampoline that you just put up 5 days before. She could break her leg, even if she doesn't fall off or land awkwardly. She could just be jumping normally and snap...snap! Although it will probably just be her fibula and it might not even be a very bad fracture. So I guess if you're one of those "whatever don't killt yas, only make yas stronger" type people, then go ahead and let her jump away. She might not break anything at all. If you are one of those "if'n you'ns don't get kilt, ya'llr just gonna be stronger" types, you should know that philosophy is really not true at all. You may not be killed by a heart attack, but you may never be able to go up a flight of stairs without stopping to rest again. Really, there are a million examples like that. Basically, if you get a trampoline, be aware that even if you get a super good deal on it cuz you stood in line at Wal-Mart for 2 hours on black Friday (actually it was thursday), it may end up costing more than the sticker price once you add in the medical bills. Of course, who can say that your 3 year old wouldn't have fell off the couch that same morning while watching Super Why! and broke her arm. I guess it's your call.

Missouri lost and apparently they werent supposed to.

My wife will go on 4 hours of sleep in order to make it to her daughter's dr appt, even if I order her to stay in bed.

Do NOT!

2012-03-15T18:39:00.000-04:00

I've decided to do a series on things I've learned not to do in my 31.59 years.

Do Not:

Hit yourself in the face with a hammer (especially after making fun of your brother for a similar incident). Sure, you may end up with a funny story and a scar between your eyes. But it really is pretty dangerous.

Set a bunch of bananas on the stove and then cook some noodles. They will turn brown.

Assume that your children will ________.

Dive head first into the side of a dumpster, even on accident. You will break your nose.

Make jokes at inappropriate times.

Fall asleep while taking tests. Most of my worst test grades have been on tests that I dozed off during (seriously, I do this a lot).

Fall asleep while driving (for real, that one is scary).

Drink coffee too late in the evening.

Forget who your friends are.

Forget who your enemas are.

Tell Cody to drive through the water that's running across the road. He may be right this time.

Try to see if you can make it to the next gas station...you can't.

Try to refinish your hardwood floor yourself. You'll mess your back up and end up in the hospital.

Forget to check the oil level in your mower, even if it has never used any oil.

and lastly, do not, EVER...lock your car, cuz you probably left the keys in it.

oh, and don't give a mouse a cookie cuz, to make a long story short, he'll want another.

Things I learned today:

My dog looks smaller when shaved.

Trampolines and 3 year olds don't mix well.

Jen won't get mad if I hijack her FB status as long as I'm saying good things about her.

It's going to rain.

March Madness started I think.

Things I'm assuming today:

My wife will love me more if I go get her a blizzard and bring it to work.

Casey Werderman

2012-03-14T10:41:00.001-04:00

I thought I would take this opportunity to say that I miss Casey Werderman. I spent every day with Casey, or Caseedee as I like to call him, for about 5 months or so. We got pretty sick of each other at times, but that's ok. Casey is a good guy, he was a good friend. I have one memory in particular of him in which I felt like he had my back (whether I deserved it or not) when no one else did, I don't think I'll ever forget that, it is one of those monumental type things that is kind of a landmark in my past. You know what I mean? We have these memories that are just there and aren't going anywhere.

Half the reason I thought Napoleon Dynamite was so funny is because he reminded me so much of Casey. Casey was doing a lot of those mannerisms long before. Casey's even an excellent dancer, I learned one of my most popular moves from him.

I miss playing military foosball with Casey, that was some good times.

On a side note, I just remembered I had a dream that I was playing cricket last night.

I realize that if Casey reads this he may take offense that I would write aboat (shout out to my Canadian fans again) him in a blog dedicated to the uninteresting. In that event, I would like him to know that, while I find him interesting, most of my readers will not. What is less interesting than reading about how someone likes someone that you don't know. For the record though, Casey IS interesting, so I'm falling off the wagon a bit here. Heck, the guy climbed Mt. Kilimajaro, that's interesting.

If Casey ever runs for Congress I will vote for him (providing that I live in his district, which is highly unlikely being that we currently live hundreds of miles apart. It's the thought that counts though right? Well, no, I guess it doesn't really, only actual votes count, but you get what I mean...he'd make a good congressman).

Things I learned today:

My kids love to jump on their new trampoline, but not alone.

We no longer have a bunt pan...or I just can't find it, but I'm pretty sure it's just gone.

It's Beth Chism's birthday.

My wife doesn't like my jokes when they come at her expense (who knew?)

oops

2012-03-14T10:06:00.001-04:00

I forgot to blog yesterday. I'll blog twice today to make up for it.

smoking

2012-03-12T21:58:00.000-04:00

It has been proven with science that smoking can be hazardous to your health. So, for any of you who are smokers, you should stop.

Things I learned today:

An M&M blizzard is nothing to blog about.

Blizzards are on sale at DQ, buy one, get one 99 cents.

Chocolate covered strawberry blizzards are not as good as cookie jar blizzards (none of them are).

I can do a backflip on a trampoline.

Even if 400 people visit a blog, no one will click on the ads and make me richer.

poetic nonsense

2012-03-11T17:59:00.000-04:00

Incandescent joy and pain.
Never ending tears and rain.
All the while turpentine
pouring out like brandy wine

Fools of wit and candlelight,
where they go on endless night.
Fleece of wool and broken hearts,
can this be a broken start?

To love, to loose, oh endless droves
of sorry souls and olive loaves.
Branched trees can not thee win,
when mortal memories lie within

Folly these words surely are,
but whence we came from yonder far.
Could this bring a feeling tense?
Probably not, it's all nonsense.

Things I learned today:

Rhyming is easy

WCC is huge

March Madness starts soon.

My wife is even more amazingsauce than I thought (for real, she's on her 3rd 12 hr night shift in a row and looks tired but doesn't complain...much. All the while carrying around that fourth child)

Spending some one on one with my son (last eve and this am, thanks M&K) is a breath of fresh air for both of us.

Buying a donut from Dutch Maid in the eve and eating it in the morn is kind like eating a 2 day old donut.

Oye

2012-03-10T23:10:00.000-05:00

Thus ends a long day. I'm tired. It's kinda weird. I'm never tired at night. Not during the winter anyway. Speaking of winter, have you ever heard the phrase "it's colder in the winter than it is in the summer?" Well I have. I've heard a lot of things over the years. I once heard a lady say "Oh, well I guess you don't need this then (she was right, I didn't)." I've heard someone say "I can't decide if I'm indecisive or undisciplined." One time I heard a janitor say "you need to get yourself unstuck and leave." I later wondered if "unstuck" is a word. It probably is, a lot of things are words. Wait, are words things? Is a word a noun, like not the meaning of the word, but the word itself? I think I just blew my mind again. That doesn't happen often either. I blow tires much more often than my mind. I think that is partially because I never buy new tires, only used.

I haven't frolicked in a long, long time.

Things I learned today:

I may have ESP- I'm not really sure what all that entails so maybe I don't.

Not many of my facebook friends know the theme song for Sid the Science Kid.

Hulu has kid movies (ya, I learned that today).

Measuring twice, in the long run, probably isn't a waste of time.

words

2012-03-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

I decided to just write some words tonight and see where we end up.

dots
speckles
sprinkles
cake
birthday
money
what?
the
kangaroo
joey
friend
Ben
Jamin
Jamacia
pineapple
sweet
sour
chinese
gymnast
kangaroo
Australia
Austria
shrimp
terds
dog
puke
underwear
underthere
where?
there
oh
K
Kay
engagement
wife
awesomesauce

Did I mention that my dog puked up a pair of little girl's underwear the other night? What's with dogs? Why do people even like them? Them smell. I smell too though and my awesomesauce wife still likes me so I shouldn't go out of my way to point out the logical flaws there.

Speaking of smell, have you ever wondered how long one of those big bottles of body wash lasts? I have, so I opened a new bottle of Old Spice body wash on 1-1-12, this should be a year to remember. I just hope it doesn't last so long that I forget to take note of when it empties.

Things I learned today (maybe this should be a daily part of my blogventures):

(maybe it shouln't be cuz it's proving to be pretty hard) The wooden posts outside the Topeka Hardware store are actually concrete underneath the wood.

B100 is having a home show on March 24th at the RV hall of fame (yes, that's a real thing).

My house will not immeiately sag if I remove a post in the basement.

I didn't plug the hole in my kitchen sink drain with an appropriate type of caulk.

My kids like crock pot food.

The Colts decided to punt.

Post

2012-03-08T23:19:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I can't think of anything to say.

less is more

2012-03-06T18:25:00.000-05:00

I beg to differ. I think that in the majority of cases more is in fact more. Take fat Tuesday, or whatever today was...terrific Tuesday? Tremendous Tuesday? Super Tuesday? Jen thinks it's super. Anyhoo, I imagine the person with the most votes will win. Hold on, there's a little girl screaming outside. Ok, I'm back, she wanted the white kitty but Kadin let it get away so she started wailing (seems legit). So where was I, oh voting, ya so less is not more when you are counting votes. I don't know where people come up with some of these sayings, it can really make life confusing at times.

So...there's weather outside huh? That's crazy.

I better wind this up now, I have to get to my T-ball coaches meeting. That's right, I'm a T-ball coach this year. It's something I volunteered for because I like to give back to the community. It's definitely not something that some guy I've never met before called me up out of the blue and asked if I would do for him cuz he's desperate and only has one more person to call. Nope, didn't happen like that. I jumped at the chance to chase 6 year olds around, trying to get them to pay attention and run to the right base...jumped!

And seriously, I need to replace the keyboard on this laptop, it's falling apart. I'm missing the A, 8, 5, [, ], =, and / keys. The D is kinda falling out too and I have to push it 3 or 4 times before it'll take.

And that's all I have to say aboat that.

Title

2012-03-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

One addition to the blog from yesterday that I picked up this morning- "wow, you are getting really fat!" That one got me a punch in the gut, so now I know.

What to write aboat (yep, aboat) today (you do know I just sit down and do these things on the fly right?). Maybe I'll try something new again and just ramble a while.

Here's a thought (I don't have a thought yet but I thought I would start typing and maybe it would come to me as I type), has any of you ever contemplated the astounding complexity of how simple everything in the world is? I have, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Take water for example. You have your H and then there is the O and then I guess there's another H as well. That's not a lot of letters. It is this cute, boring little substance that is kind of everywhere and we don't think aboat (for my Canadianish fans) it much, unless of course we're thirsty or we decide to work out in the hot sun (you remember the hot sun right?) all day without it. Just a boring little liquid that is required for us to, you know, live. It falls out of the sky from time to time, there's tons of it deep down underground, and it's apparently in the air somehow. Oh ya, you can also use it to supply power for millions of homes. Did I mention it can kill you too, cuz it can. So you need it to live, but it can kill you, figure that one oat (the north, woot!).

Somehow though, water gets no love. Not anymore, not in America. When is the last time any of us even gave water a smile, or a pat on the back. We barely even notice it, yet do we ever hear any complaints? Not until we contaminate it or something. You never hear about national water day, or hear of anyone having a nice formal water appreciation banquet.

Water must be the most versatile substance ever. It has more uses than chocolate. I can't imagine life without water... So lets all give a big thanks to water today.

Thank you water, you're awesome.

Pregnancy

2012-03-04T14:45:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to take a bit of a field trip today, a detour from the uninteresting and delve into the world of helpful tips and pointers.

Things to not say to a pregnant woman:

Are you pregnant? (just don't, ever)
Any day now huh? (there's a window of about 2 weeks where this will be met with a smile, not worth the chance)
Wow, you've really let yourself go. (true it is funny, but be ready to duck)
Looks like you're not gonna be one of those women who only gains in the belly.
You know how that happens right? (they do)
Stop whining.
Stop complaining.
Don't get your puke on me.
Can I have that last piece of cake?
Are you feeling a little emotional today?
If you rub cocobutter on your belly every day you won't get any stretch marks.
You look so cute when you're chunky. (ya, it's a compliment so I can't explain it, just trust me on this one.
Are you having twins?
Are you having triplets?
Geez woman, how many ya got in there?
You have such a cute waddle. (again, a compliment but...)
Have your bowels been moving regularly?
Life is sure gonna change.
Seriously? You just went like 2 minutes ago!
Are you sure you're not further along than that?
Wow, you are getting huge! I mean, for real, like, just really really big. Seriously, have you seen yourself? How do you even get out of bed?

Hope you all find this helpful. I wish I had seen a list like this a long time ago.

blog

2012-03-03T13:38:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling better about being a blogger today. Mostly because my wife gave me some words of encouragement yesterday when she read my post. She said "I'll be honest with you, I skipped about half of the first paragraph." I feel like I really hit the uninteresting nail on the uninteresting head.

She seems to think that I can tend to ramble at times. I've known this for years, it's not like I don't notice the glassy eyed stare that she gets from time to time. So I decided I'll try not to ramble so much in my blogging adventures. I mean seriously, there is nothing more annoying than reading a blog that just goes on and on and on and then on some more about some ridiculous topic that not one really cares about. So often their point could have been summed up in a sentence or two but they, for some unknown reason, feel the need to explain every little detail until everyone reading is thinking "ok, we get it!" So I definitely don't want to be one of those dorks. Why not just get straight to the point right? Hopefully, if any of my faithful readers felt like I could tend to ramble a bit they will feel it no more. No more rambling, not from me anyway, not in this blog. When you're talking about the uninteresting things of the world, the last thing you want to do is ramble. Am I right? Yeah, I think I'm right.

So I can't really come up with anything uninteresting to talk about today and I don't want to bore you with endless rambling about nothing. So I will just leave you with this...Fish. What's the deal with fish? There's like a million different kinds. It's insane, but I'm guessing you don't even care.

Check me out, no round brackets today.