The Least Likely Apocalypse

That Cute Universal Consciousness Barista

noreply@blogger.com (Cody Cardarelli) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 07:24:00 +0000

EDIT:

I just wanted to add a music video that I think approaches the subject properly.

The Maple Menace Strikes

noreply@blogger.com (Cody Cardarelli) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 04:18:00 +0000

Canadian Military Strike Leaves Thousands Dead and Millions Confused (posted 2 hours ago)
By JOHN WHITE
WASHINGTON (AP) – D.C. citizens were startled to find atomic mushroom clouds in their backyards yesterday, arriving after missiles fired by what sources say is a new nuclear power: Canada.

"Seriously? Canada? I totally didn't see that coming," said the President after a delightful breakfast underneath the White House with key members of the opposing political party. The President will be discussing with top officials where their squash games will be henceforth relocated, as well as some sort of contingency plan to get re-elected in a world governed by atomic zombie men.

European Union Criticizes US's Action or Inaction, or Whatever they Feel Like Complaining About at That Particular Moment (posted 45 minutes ago)
By ZOHAR POTEMKIN
LONDON (REUTERS) – The European Union's response to Wednesday’s attack on Washington, arrived in the form of a prepared statement by the United Kingdom with scribbles all over it made by

France

and other nations.

Putting aside its bickering about tariffs and trying not to convince the Danish to abandon the krone, the EU joined forces to complain about how the

U.S.

is handling its latest crisis on foreign soil.

"We just think that firing rocket after rocket continuously into the same spot in Toronto to build an ever larger crater is a bit excessive," said the Prime Minister of the U.K. "We cannot condone the actions of the U.S., especially since it seems as though the atmosphere is already on fire with atomic dust from nuclear fallout. Beginning immediately we will have to hastily enact a trade embargo on all U.S. goods, which consequently are made in Asia and not really

U.S.

goods in the first place..."

Stop Eating that Maple Syrup (Opinion) (posted 5 minutes ago)
By ANGRY WHITE RIGHT-WINGER GUY
MIDDLE AMERICA (YELLING AT HIPPIES BECAUSE THEY'RE DUMB GAZETTE) – My friends, it's clear that my heightened state of paranoia has paid off. And fortunately, my friends, I was safe because my pre-Y2K packed bunker was stockpiled well in advance. It's time we show our defiance as Americans, by pouring every bottle of maple syrup we have down the drain. Other activities we can display to show that the Canadians’ socialized health care won't infringe upon our greatness as Americans include: our right to own firearms, and to have free-speech as long as you agree exactly with how the status-quo implies we should think. Did you know those Canucks even allow gays to marry? My god, what's this world coming to?
Curling Now Banned by Olympic Committee (posted 4 days ago)
By DARIUS SMITH
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND (AP) – Just days before the 20XX Winter Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has decided to ban the sport of curling, deigning it, "Silly, and more than anything else, a waste of time and space. Really? You're throwing things on ice, and then sweeping a broom really fast behind it. Wow, why don't we just make shuffleboard a sport, or perhaps darts? Would those be any less silly than curling? Actually, yes, they would."

The Canadian officials who most eagerly fought to defend the sport from declassification were last seen walking to their cars, doing that "Charlie Brown thing where he walks with his head facing down and somehow doesn't bump into anything in front of him."

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with the Liquefied Remains of the Jonas Brothers (25 seconds ago)
PopBlog

OBNOXIOUS BLONDE INTERVIEWER: Oh my god! You guys look so great, like you've really lost weight. So how are you guys doing with your new image?

LIQUEFIED REMAINS OF THE JONAS BROTHERS: Gkt!

OBI: Wow, that's so great. When can we expect to see you guys in concert next?

LRJB: Brglegurgle.

OBI: Wow! So soon! Any new details on the album?

LRJB: Pzt! Brglegurgleflargggh.

OBI: Wow, I think it's so insightful and deep the way you guys talk about your craft.

SURVEY: Americans still care about inconsequential garbage slightly more than getting to fallout shelters.

Celebrities Arrive in Radioactive Fallout Suits on Red Carpet.

Iran Fires Missiles Indiscriminately in Random Directions Saying "Hey, if it's a Party."

They Laughed At My Theories

noreply@blogger.com (Cody Cardarelli) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:53:00 +0000

Play this first please, and then scroll down.

Here it is, the genesis of your destruction!

Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Me...

Text version for those with slow bandwidth (It's awfully time consuming to send audio files from the Moon base to my Earth lab so I understand wholeheartedly.):

"Dear citizens of Earth,

It has at last become my duty to inform you wretched lot that the end of days is nigh. Even now as I speak, your pathetic world is in deep peril. Soon my machines will arrive from my fortress on the Moon and bring doom upon the soil you call your home. Laughter
Soon you will rue the day that you rejected Dr. Fabian X's theories! Finally, I shall have my revenge on those who mocked and dismissed me. Certainly my over-sized head provided endless amusement for the small-minded fools, those who could not see that one with an intellect as glorious as mine should be revered. Yes, as a young scholar, my pride often got in front of my better judgment, but it was for the greater good of science! So my first exhibition with experimental jet fuel led to the deaths of many, but it imbued me with even greater brain capacity. It was out of the ashes of the accident and years of physical therapy, that I truly was reborn as the genius that finally will bring about world peace. World in pieces! Laughter
The apocalypse that awaits you will be a slow burn. I shall enjoy it from afar as I watch you destroy yourselves. They said I was mad, but it will be you, the citizens of the world who are driven into madness. Laughter
What is my brilliant plan, you might ask? Why, to cover every square inch of the globe with giant audio amplifiers playing the same noise for eternity. Seriously, eternity, that's a really long time, those plutonium batteries have a half-life of over twenty-four thousand years. No cave or crevice will be safe, for my robots are equipped to drill into the ground and amplify the soil itself. After spending months in my lab observing the effects of my grand scheme on animals, it is clear that nothing alive is immune to the insanity that occurs after hearing the same sound on loop continuously. By my hypothesis, most lower animals will be driven to kill each other frenetically and humanity will descend into rioting mobs until there is no one left on your horrendous planet. Laughter
Enclosed is a sample of what is yet to come.
Best Regards, Earth Scum! Laughter and then wheezing. Hrm... yes... that'll show them. Now, where is the stop button? Blast, cursed lack of tutorial. Ah there it."

By Zeus's Beard! A Poseidon Adventure. Hercules: Prince of Power

noreply@blogger.com (Cody Cardarelli) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 01:22:00 +0000

It was some time before extra-terrestrial life found the planet Earth’s vast lifeless remains. Through an initial scan of the withered corpse of our home, the creatures determined that sentient life had in fact once inhabited the globe. By using temporal scans they could see whispers and ghosts of times passed, and eventually they determined that the following transcription was in fact the pivotal moment that began the end of the world.

Begin Transmission:

Voice: Hello, hello! This is Dr. Stanley Baldovich and my lab assistant Eric Schultz reporting on the site of the giant sphere found in the Northwest Territories. We are at what many consider the North Pole.

Eric: Lab assistant? Really now? I co-wrote the research paper with you.

Stanley: Yes, but your name comes second in our findings, therefore you shall be my lab assistant.

Eric: Seriously? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.

Stanley: Shut up and hand me the laser saw.

Eric: Fine, but I'm pretty sure that laser saw isn't the scientific name for this instrument.

Stanley: It matters not. Time is of the essence.

Eric: If time is of the essence we wouldn't have spent the last three days drinking heavily and playing
Ultimate Frisbee with the sled dogs, but whatever, let's get on with it.

Stanley: As my stalwart companion makes his primary incision into the dome we--

(A thunderous boom echoes across the wastelands of Northern Canada.)

Eric: What was that? Did you hear that?

Stanley: Of course not, it only was a cacophonous explosion of thunder. Who could hear that?

Eric: Well, there's no need to be rude.

A Booming Voice: Behold, mortals! Thou hast broken through into Pandora's box! The Great
Pantheon of Mt. Olympus shall now judge man for its hubris!

Stanley: Is that Zeus? I'm pretty sure that's Zeus.

Zeus: Verily indeed, man-child. For it is I, the great ruler of Mt. Olympus, who shall pass down judgment for the misdeeds of the mortal world. Thou hast broken the great seal of Pandora, and through curiosity hast failed the test of our mettle.

Eric: Pandora's box? How is a giant dome a jar?

Zeus: The missus believed that a dome would more readily compliment the natural world around it than a mysterious jar. Also, who would find a jar out in the middle of this frozen garbage? By my own beard, it's cold out here!

Stanley: Which missus?

Zeus: Does it matter? Hah. Women. Am I right, fellas?

Eric: I'm not even going to dignify that.

Stanley: So wait a minute, we're to be judged?

Zeus: Greatly! As I snap my fingers the great city of Pompeii will once more be covered in ashes to be shown the wrath of the true gods.

Eric: You might burn half of Naples, I guess. Have you even been paying attention to the planet at all the last few thousand years?

Zeus: Well, I watch every once in a while, but we've been letting Poseidon do some of the work lately. Global warming, hah, what a laugh. Poseidon's just been raising the water level a little bit every year. It's mightily a riot, indeed. How do you mortals say it, "You just got Punk'd?"

Eric: What?

Zeus: No one said anything about the Pantheon being nice, dear mortal. Remember what happened to Hercules?

Stanley: Yeah, after his many trials he became a god in his own right.

Zeus: I guess… if you can qualify the God of Whining as anything but a pain in the ass.

Eric: Okay, so enough chit chat, you've caused Mt. Pompeii to erupt, and that sucks... but are we cool now?

Zeus: Nay, mortal, we are not cool, for now it is time to punish the Spartans!

(Another loud boom echoes across the land but this one from a far greater distance.)

Stanley: I hate to inform you, Zeus, but there hasn't been a Spartan state for centuries.

Zeus: Nay, foolish mortal, I am speaking of the Michigan State Spartans who cost me mine wager with Apollo last month. Now there is no more State of Michigan for there to be Spartans.

Eric: So wait... Isn't the opening of Pandora's box supposed to lead to the end of the mortal world?

Zeus: Fear not, for the end of the mortal world is Atlas's newly assigned task.

Eric: Fear not for the end of the world? Are you serious? Is he serious?

Stanley: Atlas... You mean the guy who is carrying the earth?

Zeus: Certainly. He did so for an age and now he shall perform one more job in bondage servitude.

Eric: What do you mean by… whoa, my god! That is a big dude!

Zeus: Verily. Hey Atlas, are you ready?

Atlas: Verily!

(Loud tremors are heard as it sounds as though the mortal world is shaken from the earth itself and falls into space.)

Stanley: Tell me something, Eric, in these last moments of life as we fall upward towards the sky.

Eric: What, Stanley?

Stanley: Why would Zeus cause Pompeii to erupt and lightning-bolt Michigan if he was just going to kill us anyway?

Eric: Because Zeus is a jackass.

Zeus: Verily!

End Transmission

Beware the Lava Men, for Their Love Only Brings Heartache and Burning (The Least Likely Apocalypse Pilot)

noreply@blogger.com (Cody Cardarelli) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 07:06:00 +0000

Love Hurts - Nazareth

One day, without warning, the great earthquake California has been waiting for hits. Fortunately, we are well prepared, and casualties are limited. Though Hollywood Boulevard now has a large rift down the center of the street, most of the important buildings along the way remain intact. In fact, if it weren't for the giant rift down the center of the iconic road, the lasting damage would be almost easily ignored. However, for the next 6 months nothing but the sounds of sobbing and moaning and occasional screams will be audible. Finally, on a warm summer day the Lava Men will rise from depths in a mass migration of a brand new race of people from the earth's core.

The Lava Men, who (surprisingly) speak English, explain that they've been all alone inside of the Earth's core for thousands of years. They are desperately seeking human contact because, if a Lava Man were to touch another Lava Man, they would simply combine into a larger being-without resolving their need for contact with another. As they descend onto Hollywood Boulevard, they reach out to the human tourists desperately for contact.

The first human fatality comes when a young woman responds to the blubbering of one of these igneous creatures. He (though at this time we have not determined if they do in fact have genders) screams "I just want to be loved! Is that so wrong? Why can't someone embrace me as I embrace the world? I have so much love to give."

As the young woman steps forward with her arms outstretched, she exclaims, "I see you!" The Lava Man's grimace forms into a smile as he oozes his way over to embrace the person who is obviously too enamored with the film Avatar. And as she is consumed inside of the Lava Man's molten frame, he begins to sob tears of ember that ignite Mann's Chinese Theater, leaving Tinsel Town to become nothing more than a pile of smoldering ash. He protests, "Why must everything I love die? I'd kill myself if I could, but everything I try to use melts..." The Lava Man, just like the rest of his brethren would eventually, heads out from Los Angeles across the rest of the country.

Being that our Constitution affords rights to any citizen born in America, and technically the Lava Men were birthed on American soil, there was no choice but to give the Lava Men citizenship. Eventually it was determined that the entire race suffered from manic-depression, that only worsened as they consumed and destroyed everything across the country. Unwilling to accept that they could not live amongst the human race, the Lava Men attempt a mass suicide by jumping en masse off cliffs into the ocean hoping that they would finally be free from what they describe as the, "tortuous prison of life." They soon discover that they were too hot to be cooled off by the ocean below, and wander across the ocean floor until they had spread across the globe bringing their plagues of terrible poetry and fiery death across Eurasia and Australia as well.

Bullets would prove ineffective as the many citizens of the try to mercifully end the lives of the Lava Men who desire nothing more than to be held. However, eventually the human population will die out as the massive amount of carbon dioxide brought to the earth's surface by the Lava Men would lead to the dissolution of the atmosphere. Only when all of the oxygen had left the earth, would the flames of the Lava Men finally be extinguished bringing them at last to the restful peace they so desperately sought.

Only one transcription of Lava Men poetry had been saved, as most of the poems were so pitiful that they would make 13-year-old Goth girls' entries into their DeadJournals seem like masterpieces rivaled only by the great Italian bards of the 14th century.

A Molten Heartbreak

Though I yearn for the embrace of another

I am forever denied

Like the wilting of a flower

That I also cannot touch

Because if I were to touch a flower

It would burn

My heart wishes that it were frozen

Like the Arctic Circle to the north

But I can't tell you how that is

Because If I were to visit the North Pole

I'd melt through the ice sheet

And sink into the depths below