Love is what we are told we need.  Attachment is the downfall of loving, I guess.  But I don’t know how one thing works without the other … and I’ve never seen both work together.  The paradox of that confounds me.

In the movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was technology that wiped out the memories of love.  I sometimes wish that it existed.  But I have discovered another clue into why my soul cannot seem to leave the horror of my abusive partner’s betrayal behind.  I’m quite certain that he would be entirely off my radar by now if I had not been so traumatized by him.

Yet, as I write that, I wonder if it is an excuse for not giving love another try.  Intellectually, I am aware that I’m terrified of being hurt again.  Emotionally, I’m weary of not having that special connection in my life. 

Is it worth it … to have your own happiness so contingent on another being?  That is the million dollar question.

When my former beau reached for me, the anticipation of his touch was like an electrical arc charging the air.  Every smile, kiss and impassioned embrace that I shared with him was, to me, an expression of my love for him.  For him, a Narcissist and serial dater, it apparently was some game that he played to prove to himself that he had the ability to amuse, seduce and sexually satisfy a woman.

It could be that the most honest statement he ever made to me was when he confessed, at age 53, that he felt his greatest life’s accomplishment was that he was good at sex.  At the time, he seemed sad about his realization so I tried to encourage him to look at other things that I felt he had accomplished.  It is a female’s nature to nurture. 

Over the course of time since the day of my mother’s funeral on June 3, 2006, when his personality defect became obvious, I’ve come to the realization that he had no bona fide human relationship skills outside of the bedroom.  Ultimately, I’ve evaluated him as being a child in a man’s body, treating every woman, including me, like some toy he had been given to play with until he grew bored with it or broke it … and this man broke a lot of toys before he stopped his serial dating game.

His spontaneity and curious nature intrigued me at first.  I never knew what he was going to do or say next and there were a lot of laughs as a result.  But there also was a lot of confusion at his radical shifts in mood.  My discomfort with his inconsistencies led to an intense debate about his emotional maturity.  Because my heart had already chosen to love him by then, and love is irrational, I rationalized my concerns away by declaring to myself that there was a difference between being child-like and childish, or that our misunderstanding was my fault. 

One thing is certain, being in a relationship with an emotionally immature Narcissist is a losing game. 

My former beau displayed the emotional maturity of a 2-year old when I confronted him with his lies at the end.  It was stunning to behold.  Like a child, he took no responsibility for anything.  He tried convincing me that he had broken up with me months before, which was incongruent with the facts … especially in light of the reality he had been in my bed, making love to me, and telling me how much he valued and loved me less than a week before that time.

For nearly a year after the break-up, we stayed in constant communication in email.  For me, it was an attempt to understand him.  The closest thing that I got to an apology from him as an admission that he hadn’t realized what a “large ass” he was capable of being.  Yet, his statements were non-specific so I don’t know if he was talking about his behavior with me or someone else.  Either way, it was insufficient.  To date, I haven’t found a way to forgive him … and I’m not sure it is required.

My life is very peaceful now, in spite of the reality that the definition of love has eluded me.  During the holidays, we are reminded often that we should feel peace and love for all mankind.  I extend these feelings to human beings but not to my Narcissistic and former friend, for I do not consider sociopaths to be part of the human race.

There were some major differences, however.  The female character, played by Diane Keaton, learned within a few weeks of falling in love that her new sweetheart was nothing more than a shameless womanizer.  The second major difference is that Jack Nicholson’s character actually experienced curiosity about the effect he had on his former lovers and sought them out in order to better understand himself. 

Of course, he had suffered an event which gave him cause to recognize his mortality… 

There was one conversation the two lovers shared that felt like it was lifted from the script of my former romance.  That scene occurred on the streets, when Diane Keaton’s character was examining the dynamics of her feelings and disappointments.  Jack Nicholson’s character endeavored to defend himself, just as my former beau had, by saying: 

“I never lied to you.  I always told you some version of the truth.” 

And, exactly like Diane Keaton’s character in the movie, my reply to that was: 

“The truth doesn’t have versions!” 

By the way, I hadn’t seen the movie yet.   

Switching gears to discuss how this dialogue relates to Narcissist people, let’s first examine the need to defend indefensible actions with justifications or rationalizations. 

It is my opinion that emotionally mature adults behave this way and know when they have done something wrong.  If their actions should cause confusion or emotional pain for another human being in their midst, they will take responsibility and apologize.  Their consequence may be that their apology is not accepted.  If it isn’t, they will experience regret. 

Narcissists are not emotionally mature people.  Their motive force is to be gain admiration and, in their twisted world, this permits doing anything necessary to diminish or pulverize those who won’t supply it.  Whether or not a narcissist resorts to physical abuse, the outcome is the same.  Narcissistic brutality is designed to create confusion and cause pain and, after the fact, a narcissist rationalizes their insane behavior by blaming their victims.  And the cycle continues until the victim realizes they are a hamster on a wheel. 

We have visceral reactions to some things.  One of them is the desire to be dealt with honestly.  Perusing online dating sites, one of the most frequent phrases you will find in anyone’s profile, male or female, is “no game players.”  Based on this observation, it seems quite clear that most people prefer to interact with straight forward people. 

If you are connected to someone who “feels” dishonest to you, and they will not talk with you about your feelings without blaming you for noticing and mentioning it, you must decide how to handle it.  I recommend distance and/or disconnecting.  Without rational discussion, there can be no resolution and Narcissists want you to feel unresolved and confused.  Take care of yourself and remember that you’re entitled to ask a question when something doesn’t feel right to you in a relationship.

If you’d like to pick up some of her heart-felt and beautiful music at Amazon, check out this link.

I began singing the same song that always comes to mind when I’m looking at a full moon.  When I was asked what song it was that I was singing, I drifted back in time to a quiet country road in Wisconsin where I rode along gazing at a similarly impressive moon and sang that same song during easier times.  Like my fellow passengers tonight, my former beau had inquired about the song they had never heard before.

Music has marked every major event in my life and music was a big part of the interactions that I shared with my Narcissistic Partner.  I always found it odd that he would sing only music that he had created.  His rationale was that he didn’t like being an audience.  I guess that would fit into the profile for a Narcissist.  They like to be the show.

Honestly, I know my life was changed by that relationship.  Now, three years after the event of his ultimate betrayal, I am much stronger … though not at all trusting.  The greatest benefit that I received from my close encounter with a dangerous personality was to learn how to identify the attributes of Narcissism in other people.

These attributes are pretty well documented but the most important thing to pay attention to is your own instincts.  If something “feels” wrong, it probably is wrong for you.  While Love causes us to want to believe we are mistaken about our negative feelings, remaining in a relationship where you are expected to bend to your partner’s will all the time is not healthy and will sap your energy.  We only have so much energy to give, after all.

This past month, I met someone in my area who wanted to be my friend.  This person was of the opposite sex.  We agreed to head out to the beach for a walk.    Within minutes of our drive, I realized that the fellow, though well-meaning, was very controlling.  It was a gut instinct and, once I recognized it, there was no question in my mind that I didn’t want to be around him.

I suppose true romantics are less cautious than those of us who have been affected by a relationship with a Narcissist.  I remember believing in Love at first site, and seeing only the the best of people … of him … in spite my gut instincts based on observations over time. 

Idly, I ponder whether or not I will ever fully heal from that past adventure and learn to trust Love again.

 I don’t know what to think about that event.  I’ve garnered many opinions from others, yet I keep my own counsel on the matter.  A part of me wants to empathize with the stress my Narcissistic lover might have been under but another part of me wants to believe the words of those who also knew him then.  As he is a coward and will not speak of the event with me, his point of view remains hidden.

He came forwards as a hero on the day my mother fell into a coma.  He was at the hospital with me, being everything I dreamed a lover would be at such a time.  We spent hours on the phone talking over things as my mother’s condition worsened.  It is impossible to forget the angelic glow of white that surrounded him as he soothed her dying body in the hospital bed.   At face value, he was perfect in that role. 

The day Mom died, as he walked away from my car to go back to what he referred to as work, he claimed he felt free.  The tone of our conversations on the phone, the week after her death, took on a different tone.  He bagan to tell me my calls were intrusive but he never explained why.  The day of Mom’s funeral, when he came through my door nearly an hour late, unshaven and unshowered wearing clothes that looked as if they had been slept in, I felt the storm he brought with him.  I knew I was in danger with him that day but I had no where else to turn.

He waited until we were walking through the doors to the funeral that he needed to get back to the office to work on bookkeeping.  It was a lie.  After the funeral was over, he invited me to dinner but wound up screaming at me in a public place when I asked if we could go to a movie or do anything that would keep me from being home alone with my grief.  He wanted to be left in town but I needed help carrying funeral sprays and plants into my house so he agreed to return home with me. 

Back at the house, as his latest victim persistently rang his cell phone with her digital demands, I suggested he ought to answer the phone.  He chose to turn it off and linger in a vain effort to explain what was beyond comprehension due to all the lies he had told me leading up to that day.   Our argument became public again, as he stormed away and I watched in utter disbelief.

The words he shouted at me as he stormed away pierced my heart and destroyed any perception I ever had about him.  He screamed, “Get Drunk!  Kill Yourself!  I don’t care!”

His lack of concern was obvious… 

It is easy to judge a person at face value.  At face value, on that day, my former beau was heartless.  It is impossible to forget the shroud of gray that enveloped him as he made his choice to tear my beating heart from my chest and leave me alone in my terror and grief.  It is impossible to forget how he shouted his angry words, suggesting that I kill myself for he no longer cared.  At face value, it was clear that he is a sociopath.

The peculiar look on his face wasn’t the expression a man wears when he is confident.  He knew that his words and actions were irrevocable, though he later tried to deny that.  He was a man gripped with fear and hollowed by the material greed that dimmed the bright light of the shiny spiritual being I once felt that I had loved.  In an odd sort of way, I died that evening in June of 2006.

I’ve wondered if he is capable of being completely honest with me about everything that led up to that horrible day.  For his sake, I hope he can someday.  Although hearing his explanation would be nice, it won’t change anything I’ve come to undersand  through years heart-wrenching  introspection. 

His main issues is centered on his mother.  He showed me his shattered guitar once, explaining that he had broken it when his mother was controlling his life.  He said he had broken it when he found his mother going through his trash and kept it as a reminder.  And when his mother chose me as his partner, his anger about this was something he could not express to her so, over time, I became collateral damage in their war.  

My former beau was in constant conflict about his mother.  Perhaps he suffered an Oedipus complex.  The Oedipus complex or conflict is a concept developed by Sigmund Freud to explain the origin of certain neuroses in childhood. It is defined as a male child’s unconscious desire for the exclusive love of his mother.  He was jealous of his siblings.  He was jealous of the love his mother had for me.

Yet, he seeks to have a mother figure and his mother will not live forever, either.  His new partner is many years his senior, according to Zabasearch.  Learning this helped the puzzle pieces to fit into place.  Based on what I have come to know if his new partner, she is every bit as controlling as the mother he sought to overcome for years, using turmoil to maintain control over him.

Though he claimed to love women, I’m fairly certain my former beau was a misogynist … a woman hater.  He once showed me a photograph of a woman he used to love.  This woman had made a decision that she wanted to live a lesbian lifestyle.  He told me this story and, clearly, he was still angry with her about that because he punctuated the turn of events by expressing his pleasure about the fact she had died of breast cancer.  The grin on his face when he explained she deserved that for breaking his heart was chilling to recall after what I experienced with him.

I wonder if this is a common theme with Narcissists?

 
Even though he had thanked me in writing for being flexible about the mixup a couple weeks before, he behaved belligerently the night before the parade.  His tyrade took all the fun out of the pre-party preparations as he criticized me and complained about my expectation that he would hold to his end of the bargain.  At the time, I had no way of knowing this was to be the beginning of a long cycle of emotional abuse that he had groomed me for through years of covertly hostile and supressive tactics that weakened me into accepting what he would give rather than demanding that he take responsibility for the agreements we made. 
 
I do have some pleasant memories from that party, however.  My mother’s brilliant smile and easy laughter, in the last year of her life, as she happily clapped her hands and exuded joy about the parade even though she couldn’t see due to her blindness.  His dapper father, who always wore a top coat and vest, enjoying the parade in the shade on my porch and slipping into the house for a nap later on when he thought no one would notice.  Retrieving a t-shirt for his frantic mother to cloak the nakedness of the grandson she wouldn’t claim as her own.  And slipping to the patio in the back of my house with the man I truly loved, in spite of his dark spots, to monitor the grill and sneak cigarettes where his mother couldn’t see.  Finally, Alissa … his beautiful grandaughter who was my fun friend.
 
This year, I looked out the door and noticed a frightened little boy who was disturbed and crying about the noisy sirens and motorcycles.  I went out to make his acquaintance and learned his name was Cole.  I offered him a bottle of bubbles and a bubble maker which were left over from that party that I had stowed in a blue and white checkered tote bag that Alissa left behind at my house on the day of her 1st Grade Picnic.  The smile on Cole’s face when he saw my gift brought a bright light and joy to me today.
 
It is quiet again and another chapter of my life is finished.  Lumberjack Days Parades on Laurel street are done are done for me for I will be gone before the next one comes around.  When I leave this house, I will pray that a happy family with little children are in it next year. This beautiful old house deserves to have the laughter of children and the joy of Love within it again.

It’s plain in retrospect my Narcissist is a thoughtless and empty shell whose only concern is his own satisfaction and gain at any cost. Clearly, this has worked for him all his life. Even though it seemed unconventional given his age when we met, he explained that he lived off his parents because he was an artist and inventor. I later learned he established relationships with women in his youth so he could live rent free which made me feel uncomfortable.

He’s propelled himself forward financially by selling the house his parents gave him at a premium in a slow market after a wealthy board member came to the aid of the local establishment who wanted him gone from the neighborhood because of the way his house was kept. He now lives in a small condo with a woman who is nearly 10 years his senior, according to Zabasearch.com.

His latest victim not only gave him a place to hide from his messy life, she also gave him a prestigious title in the small business he talked her into starting, even though he had no knowledge of the  industry.  He told me he also helped her steal contacts from her former employer’s databases before she resigned. Maybe she’s brainwashed.  Maybe she is his match.  Either way, they broke the law.

Though he has and always will use people, he seems to be enjoying success that has eluded me. Being spiritually ethical, I have always chosen to not use people’s emotions for personal gain and have no regrets about this even though I feel alone at times during the holidays. Before being emotionally abused, I always knew that my decisions were good for all concerned. For some time after the fact, I lived in doubt of every decision I was making. Although I am much more cautious these days, I have maintained my integrity and doubt is no longer my master.

You may find yourself contrasting the life you imagine your Narcissist is leading with the mess yours appears to be in. You may feel incapable of acquiring happiness and success in the future. I encourage you to be mindful of what is important for you’ve already had a very big win. You’re out of an abusive relationship. Know that you’ve made a good decision regardless of how much you miss your Narcissistic partner. Distance and time will lead you to more good decisions, too.

The first and most important step is to forgive yourself and come to believe you did not fail at anything. That was a hard one for me so I’m not trying to be glib. What is certain is we can’t go forward in life if we are busy rationalizing the past. Nor can we thrive if we are living in fear of repeating the mistake of falling in love with another Narcissist. You were victimized but this doesn’t mean you are a chronic victim. You may find yourself attracted to another Narcissist in the future because they are very charming and Narcissism is rampant in our society. But, if we listen to our intuition, we’ll recognize how they make us feel and move on quickly. I’ve abandoned two Narcissistic suitors since we broke up, so I know what I’m talking about.

The Secret, embraced by Oprah and others, suggests we can attract abundance by intention. I am a firm believer in intention and watching this movie reminded me of its power. For centuries, the practice of Feng Shui has employed intentionally placed items to adjust an environment to attract positive energy for whatever is desired. We have to intend to recover by adjusting our viewpoints, I think. Not for spite but in spite of what we’ve survived. We have to embrace the reality that we have suffered effects of post traumatic stress which has ravaged our lives. As Thich Nhat Hahn suggests, we must embrace our anger until it subsides. Just as nurturing comforts an angry child, our anger will lose its force. Our success will come by knowing our personal power is real and the Narcissist who affected us has no real power.

My first breakthrough occurred in the summer of 2006. I was pondering the emotion of agony. I used a tool from a spiritual belief that described emotional tones on a scale. It astounded me, when I viewed this scale, that agony was higher toned than serenity. What was even more amazing was that inspiration followed agony. In that moment, I finally understood the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” In the midst of my epiphany that day, I wrote a poem called Stillwater Sounds which I’d like to share. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

For my subscribers, and especially for the subscriber with whom I’ve been exchanging email recently, I am posting a poem entitled Waves  which I wrote at the beginning of the beginning of my roller coastr ride through hell.

There is no easy way to end a relationship when one partner wants it to continue but Narcissists do have a way of crushing your spirit. A Narcissist is incapable of empathy. Only their feelings matter to them and if you try to make them care about yours, you only are giving them weapons to use as they destroy you.

In the midst of the fray, the whipsaws of the roller coaster ride are baffling. With adept precision, the Narcissist will choose the button controlling the particular emotion they would like to elicit from you. Their sadistic pursuit of self gratification at your expense is stunning. I’ll never forget my Narcissist describing how he felt after taking me from high spirits to desolation one day. His exact words were, “That was fun.”

The mechanics of this aren’t obvious during moments of confusion caused by Narcissist attacks. It seems impossible that the person whom you’ve chosen to love can be so thoughtless and cruel. Whether you are physically or emotionally abused, you are the one on the defensive and the after effects are very real and long lasting. Remember, the ones who seek therapy are not the Narcissists.

In April 2007, I threw out all his versions of the truth and went with the one that is the truth when I called him a liar. I recall how he scoffed but, knowing him as I do, I also felt his shock in that moment. Shortly afterward, our email exchange ended for he knew he could not control me anymore.

I’m sure my Narcissist felt his coup de grace was using my financial difficulties, caused by a severe decline in the real estate market, as a means to diminish me in his last note. From my point of view, he verified what I had known all along. Our troubles began when my bank accounts began to dwindle, though he always denied this.

Although I am not motivated by revenge, I’ve felt an odd sort of peace after recently being given an opportunity to expose my Narcissist in a public forum. His predictability in that scenario informed me of his mental defect.  My ability to spot it and help the person under attack was gratifying.

Holidays are fraught with triggers, even if all is well in your life. While in recovery from a Narcissistic relationship’s effects, the feeling of a crushed soul can compound normal Holiday stressors. I hope all of you who read my blog are taking care of yourselves.

First of all, I’d like to let you all know acceptance speeches are not protocol for Nobel ceremonies. No one attending the event in Stockholm gave one. Three of the family’s children sat on stage with this local Laureate. It surprised me that the oldest son didn’t speak but, knowing my Narcissist as I do, I understood it. This was a perfect opportunity for him to claim his moment of fame.

This was big news in town and the event received a lot of coverage on the news and on the web, most of which I managed to avoid. A journalist on a news site I frequent wrote a blog that was prompted by the event and endeavored to explain to the masses why the award was given and used words from my Narcissist’s speech as a lead in. When I read it, I knew how it would be received by my pal. I wasn’t disappointed. Within hours, he responded with veiled hostility that clearly had an effect on the unsuspecting blogger.

Having been targeted by a Narcissist, I am fully aware of the difficulty involved in recognizing a Narcissistic attack and painfully cognizant of confusion that can result from trying to understand what provoked it. Though I didn’t want to provide Narcissistic supply to my former beau, I could not help empathizing with the journalist who had seemed to be adapting a position of contriteness in his efforts to gain approval from the Laureate’s son. I reflected on the numerous times I personally experienced this particular Narcissist’s subtle forms of emotional abuse and felt compelled to intervene.

I chose to post a reply to this blog and to not remain anonymous. Knowing the hazards of engaging my Narcissist by using a public forum like this in any way that may provoke him further, my reply was written benignly and suggested a debate about the speech was distracting attention from the accomplishments of a truly great man.

The journalist’s reply to my post explained he hadn’t intended to engage in debate about the Laureate’s accomplishments which, of course, I had understood in the first place. My Narcissist posted a reply and recovered the faux pas I had revealed by indicating he hadn’t taken the time necessary to appreciate the journalist’s comments before reacting and could now see there was no criticism about the speech. 

This is hard to describe and I may have confused you all with my attempt to explain what happened at this news site. I’ll break my anonymity here and provide a link to the other blog so you can read the exchange for yourselves.

Nobel Laureate Explained

Offline, I wrote to the journalist to explain why I had posted as I did. The man seemed grateful and told me my insights were helpful to him. He noted he had felt confused and had been worried about my Narcissist’s reaction to his blog. It felt good to be able to help this man resolve his confusion. No one should be left spinning in on themselves in the aftermath of a Narcissistic attack. That is also why I blog for all of you. I want you to know you are not crazy.

Even though my intention was clear at the time of my intervention, my Narcissist’s recovering reply supplied a rationale in his own words. He wrote, “those who act in their own self-interest need coordinating.” Most certainly, a Narcissist is always acting in their own self-interest for, in their Universe, that’s all that matters. Where it is within my power and I am aware of it, I will always intervene on behalf of innocent bystanders who are in this man’s, or any Narcissist’s sights.