Past Challenges

Youth has its challenges, particularly high school … at least for most people.  My personal style during those coming-of-age years was to choose the “underdog” as my friend.  Perhaps it was a calling to help out, perhaps it was a distinction that I made about myself.

Primary family stuff influences how we view ourselves.  I had/have an older sister from whom I learned what NOT to do in life (for the most part) but following in her footsteps through school left a legacy evaluation of her that poured over onto me, even though we were entirely different.  As such, this put me on the peripheral of the mainstream student.

I stood up to those who were critical of me and I staunchly defended my sister’s reputation too.  The whole cycle enraged me, however.  I was angry at my sister for causing such pain to my parents.  I was also angry at her for leaving such a messy trail for me to follow.  Mostly, I was angry at those students who berated me for being her sister.  I had no choice about that!

There was a hallway leading from the lunch room where my tormentors would linger, howling their criticisms at all of the kids who were not part of their accepted group.  I could have gone another direction to class but I actively chose to run that gauntlet each day with my head held high. 

I wanted those boys to know they weren’t hurting me but, in fact, they were.  I didn’t realize how much so until I met one of them at a social function later in life.  When he approached me and used my maiden name to find out if I was me, I asked who wanted to know.  When I learned his name, all of my high school rage surfaced quite unexpectedly.  My terse reply to his inquiry about my welfare since graduation may have surprised me more than him.

So, with that background in mind, there are a few things going on.  First, the primary family stuff with regard to my sister.  I learned to “hide” family matters from the public eye, which informed my later decisions to keep things private that needed to be public.  Additionally, successfully running the gauntlet each day after lunch gave me false confidence about my ability to confront anything.  Finally, I felt separate from the norm which may have driven my desire to find an unusual man as my partner.  You must admit, Narcissists fit that category very handily!

The Role of Fear

Following another spiritual quest, I was asked to list all of the situations where emotion had superseded intellect and caused me to act out.  As I wandered down that trail, the worksheet had checkmarks to fill for the emotion that was ruling my reaction during that event.  It was quite a surprise to me to realize that the  underlying emotion present in all of those emotions on the list was fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of failure, fear of … fear of … fear of.

Since the debacle of my narcissistic ex, I’ve wondered if fear was the motivator for my refusal to see him for the jerk he really was being … at least most of the time.  I mean, I know that I felt love and this emotion governed my ability to forgive him during our relationship, but I also have grown older and we met at my mid-life.  Was it my fear of growing old alone that kept me going back for more of his malformed love?  If so, did that cause me to propitiate in cases where I should have pulled out all the stops and let him know how I really felt?

Anecdotally, I offer a quip that has irritated every man I’ve ever loved, including my narcissist ex.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

But, back to the role of fear in our choices.  As we are aware, Narcissists are very afraid of being found out.  It seems to follow that, once they learn that your fears are guiding your willingness to endure their bad behavior, they would hone in on and target those fears to draw you further into their sick game. 

For instance, I told my former beau that I regretted not having children of my own fairly early in our relationship.  He used that information in his seduction.  At the time he told me of his dream about having children with me, it felt like the nicest thing that any man had ever said to me.  I was hopelessly ensnared. 

Available research indicates that finding and exploiting your “buttons” is a skill that every Narcissist has, whether they are your partner, parent, sibling, child, or employer.  Those things that we let affect our emotional judgment are attractors for a Narcissist.

Where do YOU Stand?

I’d love to hear feedback from my readers about their reflections.  We’re in this together and I’m certain many of you have ideas of your own, especially when you realize that your most recent disappointment is not the only Narcissist you’ve attracted into your life.

So, when you find yourself pining for your Narcissistic Ex, follow that feeling through.  Examine all of the experiences, good or bad, and follow that train of thought right up to the point where the only choice was to leave the relationship.  During that stroll down memory lane, you’ll be refreshing memories that both attract and repel you.  If you are completely honest with yourself after replaying your mental tapes, you will once again conclude that you’ve made the right decision to leave.

Another thing you can do is get out a paper and pen and divide it into columns.  Write out the good things and the bad things and use the third column for those experiences that are questionable with regard to qualitative value in your mind.  Once again, brutal honesty is required for this exercise.  When you see the extensiveness of your bad experiences in front of your own eyes, it will solidify your resolve to leave your Narcissistic Ex behind.

When I performed this exercise, it took me a while to sort out what I had learned.  My current understanding of the entire experience that I had with my narcissistic ex is that I did love him but he never loved me.  To that end, I can still appreciate the feelings that were mine during that relationship.  This is important for us all because living in a belief that you imagined everything can be very destructive to your self-esteem.  (This is the voice of experience speaking.)

Time does create a healthy distance from missing your Narcissistic Ex but you must reach the point of acceptance first.  There are two parts to this acceptance, the intellectual and emotional phase.  Intellectually, it is easy to decide you are finished with the relationship.  Emotions are not as easy to untangle.

My advice to you is consistent, however.  Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over.  They know you and how to manipulate your emotions.  Because having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach for them, you are providing Narcissistic supply.  Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question.

So, how do you get your Narcissistic Ex out of your mind?  Stop trying!  Let them occupy that space  for what you have experienced should not be forgotten and, as long as you remember, you are less likely to fall  into another Narcissist’s web.  While I suggest not putting them out of your mind, I simultaneously suggest that you not permit memories of them to rule your sanity.  Once you work out the true nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissistic encounter.  It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty.

Music has always uplifted me. To that end, I feel that it is good therapy for someone who is in recovery from a Narcissistic encounter.

In the song Idaho, Nerina Pallot describes a flight from what was, as an empowered person who is taking control of their life. This song became my theme song when I pulled up stakes and left my life-long home to start over in the sunshine. I did not choose Idaho as a destination, however.  :)

Enjoy!

Our smiles make a difference for others, and smiling makes us feel better inside too.   Enjoy the film and let me know what you think.

I feel that it is necessary to re-cap a few facts that I’ve learned about Narcissists.  Narcissists are not easy to profile because they do not seek therapy.  Thus, they are a segment of humanity which we are becoming more aware of who cannot be easily identified.  From the comments on this blog, I’m aware that what I’m writing is hitting home, even though most of what I’ve written here is based on my own experiences and observations.

Why Do You Want to Expose a Narcissist?

As mentioned in a recent post, when we have passed through the shock of our experiences, some of us endeavor to seek revenge.  That is one definition of exposing a Narcissist.  I preferred to not explore those tactics because, in my mind, living in a state of anger is not good for me.

Another and more beneficial reason for exposing a Narcissist is for self-preservation.  I do have some tactics that were useful for me when I was “studying” my Narcissistic partner.  Those same tactics still work for me today, albeit for different reasons.

Narcissists in a Nutshell

Generally speaking, Narcissists are covertly hostile.  They may be “the life of the party”  or the inconspicuous little old maid down the street who never forgets your birthday.  Maybe they are the jovial, back-slapping salesman or the smooth con man.  Perhaps they are the witty, entertaining gossip columnist or the swaggering office Don Juan or even the smiling lady next door who knows all the delicious little stories about the neighbors.  They are the lovers who are tenderly passionate one minute and disdainfully sarcastic the next.

In their extreme forms and most harmful forms, they are the clever impostors who have passed themselves off as a surgeons for fifteen years.  They are the pleasant young men who have “never said an unkind word to anyone” and were recently convicted of multiple hideous sex crimes.  They could be the sensitive poet, the suave millionaire or the charming vagrant who has lived by their wits and hasn’t done a day’s work in twenty years.

Narcissists are Controlling

Narcissists must feel in control.  They use different methods to acquire and maintain that position.  I have read stories about partners who control finances to retain their power.  For instance, the man to whom I was married was confounded by the fact that I commanded higher salaries than him so he would not allow me to attend college.  This was a form of control and, the moment we separated, I enrolled in university and went on to get my degree. 

The Narcissist who inadvertently led me to creating this site used emotional control methods.  He had a knack for identifying his victim’s dearest desires and played that to its fullest.  My former beau invited me to read an email exchange he was sharing with a life-long male friend.  Within that note, my Narcissistic ex-lover described his behavior as “pulling strings” to see what people would do.

Both my ex-husband and my ex-beau are extreme opposites of each other in demeanor but each of them used, and are probably still using, narcissistic manipulation to feel in control.  If your partner is restricting your growth, friendships, career choices, or activities, you are most likely dealing with a Narcissist.

Narcissists are Great Actors … Until the Truth Comes Out

Narcissists will pour on the charm to acquire their supply.  In their finest form (if I can use that term), they will light up a room.  They love being at the center of everyone’s attention and will play the crowd to remain in the limelight.  You may have gone to the party with them but you are just a decoration.

The first date that I had with my former beau, he took me out to a nice restaurant.  Behind us, the hostess seated a table of four women.  My Narcissistic ex immediately began to work the room.  At the time, I was fascinated and found him entertaining.  It wasn’t until much later that I understood this was something he needed to do.

The Narcissist is so preoccupied with making an impression on people that their need for recognition puts them on stage all of the time.  Never relaxing, they are actors who are constantly studying their audiences to see if everyone is impressed.  It’s difficult for a Narcissist to be an audience for long.  In fact, my former beau once admitted that he didn’t make a good audience.  When my quips were wittier than his, his dissatisfaction with was obvious so I learned to stifle myself when we were in public.  Many of his jokes were at my expense, however.

When you are close to a narcissist, one of the clear identifiers is witnessing their rage when you disapprove of their behavior.  In one dispute with my former beau, when I was beginning to enlighten myself about narcissists, I dared to ask him how he would describe narcissism.  His response was stunning, and our relationship went down from there.  He had been discovered and he knew it.  Narcissists don’t like being discovered.

The most widely accepted definition of the stages of grief has 5 stages, which I will review for you here:.

The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial is looking past what is real with a mindset that it isn’t what you know it to be.
2. Anger is the retaliatory phase where we try to get even or feel jealousy.
3. Bargaining often begins before the actual loss.  We make deals to maintain our relationship or pray to whatever Deity we claim for resolution that will keep our lives whole and our relationship in tact.
4. Depression is probably the worst stage.  Complete apathy can cause us to lose interest in everything that IS life.  In most cases, it is situational but even that can be overwhelming.  Believe me, it sure was for me.  My life totally stopped for four months because I could not stop sobbing (not whimpering) for more than 10 minutes at a time!  For me, the depression was so severe that I couldn’t even rely on sleep as a respite.  It was truly awful…
5. Acceptance, which is much different than resignation.  When we come to acceptance, we have absorbed the entire experience and nothing about it stimulates painful feelings.

The stages of grief were developed to assist people who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness understand the emotional journey upon which they were about to embark.  In spite of the list’s good intentions and seeming accuracy, there is no succinct formula, for the grieving process for all human beings are different and have varying degrees of coping skills, and none seem to fully explain the grief cycle that follows years of emotional abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.

I still marvel at the depths of my depression for, all things being equal, I am considered to be a strong-willed and capable woman.  No experience or trauma in my life had ever rendered such a deep feeling of helplessness as my encounter with a Narcissist like my ex.  During my reflective phase, which was coupled with my depression, I reasoned that the impact was more severe due to the long duration of the emotionally abusive roller coaster ride that relationship created.  I was exhausted from years of shadow boxing with him.

Any way I turn it, however, it was MY CHOICE to stay on that ride.  I have accepted that much.  My struggle to accept the foolishness that I allowed into my life during my relationship with a narcissist still natters at me though…

But, back to the point of this post.  I have recently discovered a condensed list of the stages of grief that is, perhaps, more descriptive of what we all  have and/or are going through.  This lesser known grief model was described by Dr. Roberta Temes in her book, Living with an Empty Chair, Revised 6th Edition: A Guide Through Grief.

Three Stages of Grief by Dr. Roberta Temes

1. Numbness is our stage of mechanical functioning and social insulation.  Truth be told, I am still insulating myself from socializing with a potential romantic partner.  I’m not exactly sure that I am “numb” but, following the chaos of 2006, I still am not confident about my ability to make good choices in the romance department. 
2. Disorganization was stage where I couldn’t handle anything easily, especially if it involved leaving the house for any reason.  I suffered intensely painful feelings of loss, regret and shame.  I’ve come to believe that I cycled in that phase for such a long time because I was stupidly looking for a rational explanation that could clearly never be found.  Narcissists are not rational beings.
3. Reorganization is re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life.  Even though more than four years have passed since I’ve interacted with my narcissistic ex, I’m actively in this stage and steadily rebuilding my life one aspect at a time.  I’ve reorganized my geography, my career, my family life, and I am in the process of replenishing my circle of friends.

Each of you who has replied to posts on this blog are similar to me or you would not have found this site to begin with.  Each of you are at different stages of grief when you are compelled to write your stories, after something that I’ve written has resonated with you.  Regardless of the merit of either of these models for grief, as they relate to your specific situation, remember that there is no formula for recovery from the trauma that you’ve endured.  The time that it takes to recover from a narcissistic relationship is the time it will take.  So many factors weigh into the mix and our backgrounds and cultures drive a lot of our way of thinking.

I hope that everyone who frequents this blog KNOWs that I do understand what you are feeling, or can empathize with your feelings, and that I deeply care about your recovery.  In spite of the debilitation that depression can cause, that pause to reflect and sort things out in my life was essential to my spiritual recovery and return to wholeness, as it also will be for yours.

Rest assured.  Peace will come.

If you know that a man will never really excite you, should you date him anyway and try to make it work?

Not only is that the bazillion dollar question that many of us have asked ourselves, there was also another underlying question that I perceived.  You see, my step daughter has manifested a pattern of not-so-good choices in men.  She’s a grown woman.  I make no judgments about how she lives her life.  I only want her to find happiness, like most mothers do.

When she and I talked about her poll, I asked what sort of responses she had gotten.  She said the resounding response was that she shouldn’t pursue it.  She said she had decided to take the date anyway and found the man to be incredibly boring.  While acknowledging that passion and excitement were important, I gently suggested that it was possible that her pattern of choosing  unusual men clouded the ability to recognize a nice man in her midst.  She agreed.

Narcissism comes in many forms.  My step daughter’s Narcissistic ex is so obsessed with making her unhappy that he has tied her up in court for years with child custody issues.  She isn’t wealthy and attorneys cost money.  When she has represented herself, I’ve the hearings to provide moral support.   I’ve stifled laughter when I see him playing the judge with Narcissistic charm.  I’ve also stifled laughter when he doesn’t get what he wants and starts raging at the judge.

During the last hearing, the family court judge was barely visible from the bench behind no less than 30 boxes of filings, all of which had been initiated by him.  She brought the paperwork along to prove a point, because she had run out of patience with him.  The selfishness he exhibits is overwhelming, at times.

A Narcissist like that man is scary.  He has driven the children from his first marriage so far away that they won’t even talk to him.  Since he cannot affect his older children anymore, he targets my step daughter on child support payments.  His concern is not about the children’s welfare.  It is about him wanting to be right.  For example, he has opposed vacations and refused to take them to their sporting activities if they interfere with “his time.”

Intellectually, I understand the basis of my step daughter’s dilemma.  Her father, my former husband, was not a nice man.  In essence, he has abandoned her and she has most of her life being attracted to men just like him who are controlling and manipulative.   In fact, his disregard for her is part of the reason that he and I divorced in 1979.  I consciously decided to not have a child with him when he offered one up in an effort to keep me, back then.

My step daughter and I have discussed Narcissists.  Even though she loves her children dearly, she wishes she had never met their father.  The other day, she said she understood why I had chosen to not have children with her father and admired my foresight.

The difference between my ex-husband and the Narcissist who inspired me to launch this site is profound, however  My ex-husband was overt about his desire to control and manipulate others.  My former beau claimed he didn’t want to force anything when, in fact, he controlled everything with emotional blackmail tactics that were so subtle they went unnoticed for years.

So, back to the bazillion dollar question from my step daughter’s poll … is it possible to create a spark where none seems to exist?  Is the lack of a spark truly what it seems or is it an inability to appreciate a really “nice” guy after having been involved with a Narcissist?

It put a smile on my face. I hope it does the same for my readers!

I’m going to have the site redesigned so it is easier to read. I’m also planning on adding a forum, or another method for us to get to know each other, interact and provide support. Stay tuned! I believe that together we can grow stronger and heal.

This young woman basically played with babies by performing little skits using toys.  Her observations were that, once the play was finished, the babies preferred the toys who had been “nice”during playtime.  When asked how she knew how the baby was reacting to character rather than a preferred color, she explained that she would use two stuffed toys of different colors in multiple experiments with different children.  In spite of the color of the toy, infants predominantly chose the “nice” toy over the one whose part in the play had been “mean.”

Implicit in this research is that humans are born with the ability to choose friends by character attributes and that we are able to employ this judgment before we can even sit up.  So, if this is the case, why is it that we choose “bad boys” over good guys, nine times out of ten?

Reflecting on my former narcissistic partner, I realize that he came off as a good guy.  He was charming towards everyone so, when the proverbial crap hit the fan and I explained what had happened to others who knew him, no one believed it.  This, of course, created self-doubt.

Creating dependency that leads to self-doubt seems to be part and parcel of a Narcissist’s method for keeping their prey stuck in the game.  Goodness knows they excel at that.  At times, it still galls me that I allowed myself to get snared by a man like my narcissistic ex but I’ve mostly forgiven myself. 

Everything became so much clearer when distance from him provided room for honest introspection about his behavior.  Oddly, he didn’t appeal to me at all in the first 30 seconds of our meeting.  It was his charm, his quirky sense of humor, that intrigued me enough to want to learn more.  Something else that I realized after time away from him was that he employed Narcissistic tactics within the first two weeks of our so-called relationship. 

Truthfully, I do still dwell in self-doubt about my ability to choose a good partner.  Although I’ve been in long-term relationships that didn’t end as badly as the last one, none have lasted.  A lyric heard in a Wailin’ Jennys tune pretty much explains my attitude about  this:

There’s no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we’ll find it through the good and bad
Trust me I’ve been looking
But tonight I think I’ll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I’ll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn’t matter if you find it
And who’s to say that even if I did
it’s what I’m really looking for

It’s a long and rugged road
and we don’t now where it’s headed
But we know it’s going to get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
we’ll drop these bags and search no more
”cause it’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home
It’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home

The Wailin’ Jennys are AWESOME, by the way.  Here is a link if you’d like to by the CD with this song on it.  It is worth the purchase!

Many of my readers talk of their own disbelief with themselves.  Every time I read a comment like that, it breaks my heart again.  There is not an adequate explanation for the things we have chosen to change about ourselves in order to maintain a relationship with a Narcissist and no way to describe the after effects to people who haven’t dealt with an NPD.  As many of us have learned through experience, the relationship we thought was love was not what it seemed. 

It isn’t inherently wrong to want to give anything to a partner.  Perhaps our overlooking the fact that the giving was so one-sided was our biggest fault.  In all relationships, there must be give and take or the giver gets worn out. 

When you are involved with a Narcissist, this equation is give … and give some more.  Eventually, we are drained from giving and unable to continue providing the level of supply that a Narcissist needs.  Then the game changes and our perfect lover becomes unrecognizable.  When the roller coaster stops, we come to realize that our sense-of-self has atrophied beyond recognition. 

What tactics can you use to recover from a narcissistic relationship?  Here are some things that seem to be working for me:

1. Reach out to friends you know and trust.  Spending time them will help you to re-acquaint yourself with the person you were BEFORE you involved yourself with a Narcissist.  They can help you remember how you worked through difficulties without forfeiting all that you stood for and cared about.
2. Stop blaming yourself.  Learn from the experience what love is not and don’t doubt that you are capable of sharing real love with a person who is capable of returning it to you.
3. Get involved in your own life.  You’ve been isolated by the experience and it might seem awkward, at first, but your friends do care about you and they want you to be with them again.
4. Don’t try to explain what you do not yet understand.  The process of learning from the experience you’ve just been through takes time to interpret.  If well-meaning friends pursue a course of conversation that causes you to feel panic, tell them you aren’t ready to talk about it yet.  They’ll understand.
5. Fully experience all the emotions you are feeling as they present themselves.  Embrace them like you might embrace an injured child and hold them until you become calm again.  Each time you return to center, reward yourself for weathering the storm.
6. Most importantly, do not reach out for contact with your former partner.  Every time you consider bringing them back into your life, follow it through.  If nothing worked last time, it is insane to believe that anything will be different next time.

You haven’t lost your much-ness.  You have been suppressed by a lunatic who couldn’t see past their nothing-ness.  External validation is a pointless pursuit.  You must believe in yourself before anyone else will.  The best way to get there is to do positive things for yourself that make you feel whole again.