The Lesbian Instruction Manual

Happy Tofurky Day!

2009-11-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy your tofurky (or turkey, if you're a meat-eating lass). Nothing like good noms, football, shopping and those lovable friends and relatives to help us gay girls get in the holiday spirit!

#21 Frequent WNBA games to be with "your people."

2009-11-24T16:30:00.000-08:00

Every lesbian pilgrimages to at least one WNBA game a year. That's because WNBA games are thinly veiled lesbian social events. All the dykes in town will go simply to ogle the athletes (is she or isn't she?) and scan the crowd for exes and anyone sitting next to them who might be more than a friend (is she or isn't she?).

It's like the perfect storm of lesbian entertainment: hot female athletes who may or may not be "playing" for our "team," an assortment of people we know and don't know and know through people we know, exes, soon to be exes, nachos, beer, and assigned seating. It's like we were made for one anther. Lesbians + WNBA = BFF.

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The "I'm Growing Out My Shaved Head"

2009-11-22T15:29:00.000-08:00

One of the most traditional lesbian rites of passage is shaving one's head. The second most traditional rite of passage is growing out one's shaved head. This usually happens after the once enthusiastic lesbian realizes that a) her head is shaped like a gourd...a dented gourd with curves in all the wrong places b) she does not in fact, look like a young, "Out of Range" era Ani DiFranco and c) it's chilly without any hair.

#20 Be hypercompetitive with the men in your neighborhood when it comes to yard care.

2009-11-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

It's an unspoken rivalry, one that permeates every residential street in America and keeps Home Depot in business. We're not edging lawns and mowing in diagonal, equidistant criss-cross patterns for our health. We're doing it because all the straight men on our block do it. We're absolutely terrified that people will think our yard is less fabulous and manicured because there is NO MAN AROUND. So we overcompensate. And compete. Oh, how we compete. That's right Bob-Who-Lives-in-the-Tudor-on-the-corner, we're talking about you.

Who cares if we choke on gas blower fumes and talk about "hardscapes" more than any person really should. Anything heterosexual men can do, we can do better. Like aerating lawns. And hardscapes, have I mentioned hardscapes?

Back in the Saddle

2009-11-20T13:37:00.001-08:00

Has it really been almost a year and half since I last posted? Where has the time gone? Where have you been receiving your Lesbian Instructions in my absence?

I'm back. Stay tuned.

#19 Complain about how you're tired of the lesbian dating scene and just want to find "the one."

2008-07-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

There are two things lesbians fear most in the world: 1) the Indigo Girls announcing their retirement and 2) being single. We are so terrified at the thought of having to "date" and "get to know someone before co-signing a mortgage" we usually jump from one committed relationship to another with zero downtime. On the off chance we don't have a girl already lined up, we end up testing the murky waters of the Lesbian Dating Pool, where going on more than two dates in your lifetime qualifies you as a grizzled veteran.

#18 Imagine and insert a lesbian subtext in any TV show or movie featuring two or more women.

2008-07-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's wishful thinking. Perhaps we know something the actresses, writers, directors, producers, and all other viewers of the show do not. With our special ELP (Extra-Lesbian Perception) powers, we can spot italicized behavior with swift accuracy: you know, when a look becomes a look, a touch becomes a touch, and a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together becomes a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together.

Photo: someecards

#17 Wear Carhartt even though you do absolutely no physical or manual labor.

2008-07-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

As lesbians, we never know when we might be called upon to suddenly weld something at 10pm on a Tuesday night. Nevermind we don't know how to weld and actually make our living as tax accountants. We will be prepared in our flame retardant Carhartt workwear!

Photo: WorkingPerson

#16 Immediately disappear off the face of the Earth when you enter a relationship.

2008-07-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

No one disappears in a puff of domestic bliss more quickly than dykes. The Federal Witness Protection Program often provides its witnesses new identities as freshly coupled lesbians. They will surely never be seen or heard from again. It's impossible to track down two women nesting inside their 1935 Craftsman fixer-upper, especially with Netflix and Thai food delivery at their disposal.

Photo: someecards

#15 Create a bumper sticker collage on your car that summarizes your entire political, religious and personal belief system

2008-07-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

(rainbow stickers) + (feminist stickers) + (marriage equality stickers) + (pro-choice stickers) + (dog/cat stickers) + (wicca stickers) + (green party stickers) + (vegetarian stickers) + (anti-war stickers) + (diversity stickers) / (total bumper stickers) = probability car is owned by a lesbian

Photo: Wikipedia

#14 Rename "beating a dead horse" as "having a dialogue."

2008-07-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

Topic suggested by one of our intrepid readers!

Ah, the time honored lesbian tradition of processing. The term “paralysis by analysis” did not originate in the workplace…it came from introspective lesbians who fossilized in their sensible chairs after hours of intimate discussion, still clutching their alpaca wool sweaters and mugs of herbal tea for comfort.

The five most important phrases in a lesbian’s lexicon:

Let’s talk about me.

Let’s talk about you.

Let’s talk about us.

Let’s talk about our relationship.

Let’s talk about me, you, us, and our relationship.

Photo: someecards

#13 Participate in more Spoken Word and Open Mic nights than any one person really should.

2008-07-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

Everyone writes tortured, angst-ridden love poetry. What differentiates lesbians is we love to read ours aloud in public.

Photo: someecards

#12 Transition your outfit from golf to evening wear.

2008-07-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lesbians love golf. I think it’s because we’re encouraged to wear polo shirts and pleated shorts. Not to mention sweater vests and visors. What's really awesome is being able to stroll off the 18th fairway and go straight to a coffee date at Starbucks without having to change outfits.

Photo: LPGA.com

#11 Build unrealistic expectations through online dating.

2008-07-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's simple really:

Find a woman whose online profile you fancy.
Analyze every detail of the three blurry, poorly sized photos she posted.
Assume intimacy because you know her astrological sign and preferences when it comes to her date's alcohol consumption.
Overshare and overshare some more in lengthy email conversations.
Declare your love after the fifth email.
Finally arrange to meet (in person!) your long-awaited soulmate and the woman of your dreams.
Within 15 minutes of meeting become crushed, bewildered, jaded and angry when she turns out to be nothing like you imagined.
Go home.
Never contact her again.
Swear off online dating because you never meet anyone normal.

Photo: someecards

#10 Be a poor grad student the majority of your adult life.

2008-07-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lesbians are martyrs carrying student loan debt. We take it upon ourselves to cure the world of its ills and help the less fortunate. Hence, we sign up for years of graduate school in order to earn advanced degrees in lucrative fields such as education, social work, and public policy. You're welcome.

Photo: someecards

#9 Stand with your hands in your pockets.

2008-07-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

This is the #1 way to spot a lesbian. It does not even occur to straight women to shove their hands deep into the front pockets of their jeans. If you really want to beep on the Gaydar, stand with your legs slightly apart and knees locked. This is known as The Stance. Practice makes perfect.

Photo: preciouskhyatt

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The Nondescript

2008-07-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Lesbians are busy. So busy, in fact, we cannot be bothered to style or cut our hair in any discernible manner. We don't want to shave it off, but we don't want to commit to any semblance of an actual haircut either, so our hair ends up looking as if it's been groomed at night by Flowbee-wielding Gremlins, and uninspired ones at that. And that folks, is what they call The Nondescript.

Photo: Flowbee

#8 Go to a bar, see a cute girl, discuss her with your friends, watch her all night, never talk to her and go home.

2008-07-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

We lesbians are a shy bunch. It's a miracle we ever get together. We prefer to hide under the brims of our baseball caps and post desperate, cryptic "Missed Connections" on Craigslist the next day.

Photo: someecards

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The Ponytail

2008-07-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Many active lesbians prefer to wear their hair in a ponytail at all times. It helps us cultivate an image of 24/7 casual sportiness, which in turn gives us recreational athlete street cred. Ideally, the ponytail is pulled so tight and slick the slightest vibration will cause an eye to pop out. Sporty femmes purchase 14% of all eye patches sold in the U.S. every year.

Photo: University of Texas

#7 Treat your dog like it's a human.

2008-06-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Dogs love fleece and establishing pack dominance almost as much as lesbians. They are our kindred spirits and we treat them like family members upon whom we project our hopes, insecurities and unresolved mother issues. We let them ride shotgun...they feed us french fries. We break up with a girl...they tell us they never liked her anyway and fetch us a stuffed HRC pillow with which to dry our tears. A dyke's best friend, indeed.

Photo: Costume Craze

#6 Practice poor boundaries with your cat.

2008-06-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

All lesbian cat owners suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. We take great pride in being strong, independent women but at home, we gladly succumb to the will of Little Furry Beings Who Rule With An Iron Paw. Our cats hold us hostage and we have the slowly healing scars and pee-stained beds to prove it. But that's just how they show love. They love us. Really. They do. They do! THEY DO!!!

Photo: Amazon

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The Fauxhawk

2008-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

If you are a baby dyke and do not have a fauxhawk, get thee to a stylist immediately. Make haste, young lesbian, and don't forget the pomade!

Photos: nadja.robot, Jill Greenseth [flickr]

#5 Correct other people's grammar and spelling on Craigslist.

2008-06-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

The Craigslist W4W section breaks down as follows: 20% queer women, 20% straight men posing as queer women, and 60% former Spelling Bee Champions. We consider it our civic duty to punish those who use improper apostrophes and dare post without first consulting the Chicago Manual of Style. Can you spell p-a-s-s-i-v-e...a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e?

Photo: thiagofest [stock.xchng]

#4 Look and dress like your twin...I mean, girlfriend.

2008-06-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lesbians prefer to date women of similar size and style. The #1 perk of homosexuality is the ability to double one's wardrobe and quite frankly, it's the sole reason any of us sign up for Team Sappho. Critics may deem this a "shared pathological urge to merge" and "frugality gone horribly awry." We prefer to call it "bonding" and "enough ringer tees to go around."

Photo: American Girl Dolls

#3 Continue living with your ex after you break up.

2008-06-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

Lesbian relationships never truly end. They linger and drag until one partner mercifully packs up her Lilith Fair memorabilia and moves in with the vegan massage therapist she's known for two weeks. Contrary to popular belief, living with an ex and dating others does not pose a problem. Chances are, the woman you're dating is also living with her ex. Mazel Tov!