The Less Than Domestic Goddess

A Few Treats

2012-05-24T09:49:00.002-07:00

Some things that are making my life a little happier right now.

1) The Fifty Shades Trilogy.

Holy f*ck! It's absolute trash and I love it. My world has gone to the dogs in the past week, because I can't put these books down. I have literally lost sleep. My husband is curious. He keeps poking fun at my "erotic fiction". I figure men have gotten their fair share of opportunities to peek at porn in every way, shape, and form, so I really don't feel bad reading about safe words and Christian Grey. It's a fun little gift I have given myself. Ladies, if you are in the market to be naughtily entertained and are in a non-judgmental mood, then INDULGE!

2) This little summer blouse (it's on sale!) from Anthropologie (a gift from my husband).

3) A sunny spring day with L.

4) Dogs with short limbs that shake paws.

What makes you happy these days?

Enjoy the upcoming Memorial Day weekend!

Tea at the Biltmore

2012-05-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I managed to live to see the other side of Mother's Day despite my causing quite the scene about it (see previous post).

I pulled myself out of "the funk" by taking my mom and grandma out to a fancy afternoon tea at the Biltmore. Many moons ago, L and I got married at the Biltmore. Turns out it is not only a fairy tale place to get married, they also put together a pretty sweet spread most afternoons with little chicken salad sandwiches, scones, mint tea, the whole nine yards. My mom, grammy, and I loved it!

My mom, grammy, and me. You haven't seen my hair in awhile. I keep telling myself it's in a "transition phase". Truth be told, I haven't cut it in like five months, and I'm growing out my bangs for the 800th time which has been a royal pain in the arse.

If you are ever in L.A., and have time to get pampered with tea and cookies, go to the Biltmore. It was the best way EVER to celebrate the two most important women in my life. We even saw a bride taking pre-wedding photos. I felt a rush of adrenaline and wedding day memories flooded back. I saw that nervous look in the bride's eyes, and I was delighted to play the spectator this time around. My bridal moment has passed.

After we were done pretending to be ladies who lunches, I said goodbye to mom and grammy, and met L in the hotel bar. We reminisced about our crazy wedding (almost three years ago!) over a dirty martini (him) and a glass of pinot noir (me). It was such a great memory that was promptly buried by the never-ending shit storm of my health problems, surgeries, financial woes, family issues, mental breakdowns, and our infertility. There has been a lot of sadness, anger, frustration, setbacks, and utter chaos. We have gone to bed many nights wondering when or if life would ever get better. Will we survive another day? Why did our new marriage get dealt so many blows?

So many questions. So many battle wounds. But we're still here, and we are learning that it does get better.

Once upon a time we got married, and it was amazing. We can finally truly appreciate that for what it is. I'm feeling so giddy, I may just break out that extended wedding video footage we never watched.

Ok, nevermind. Ask me again in another three years.

(Un)happy Mother's Day to Me!

2012-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

**I break from my regularly scheduled "I'm feeling happy" posts to bring you an "I'm feeling shitty" post. I think from the title, you can guess what this one is about.**

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Mother's Day is hitting me hard. In the years since we have been unsuccessful at trying for a baby, I have somehow been able to separate my own despair from this lovely day by honoring my own mother, my grandmother, and all amazing moms that I know. I have always felt it would be selfish to focus on my own shortcomings during a time that really has nothing to do with me.

But, this year, I can't control my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like being gracious or polite. Mother's Day 2012, fuck off.

To add insult to injury, my birthday was May 6th. Thirty one years ago, I was my mom's mother's day gift. That was a really cute story line for the first thirty years of my life. But, this year I'm just feeling old(er) and childless, and it's a pity party for one. Never in my life have I wished for my birthday to be any other time than one week before mom's day.

Last weekend, L and I went away for a birthday celebration in Santa Barbara. I was so pumped, and actually recall telling a number of people how excited I was for my birthday this year. This was a departure from my usual blase attitude toward the day of my birth. However, unexpectedly, I ended up getting a random case of bad dizziness/nausea, and all I wanted to do was sleep the entire time. I thought I had the flu or something. The weather was picture perfect. We had plans with my brother who I rarely get to see these days. I was tethered to our hotel room unable to enjoy much of anything.

I realize now that I had (have) a bit of the blues. My body recognized first what my mind was denying. Although my life is on the upswing in many ways, it doesn't cancel out the fact that I will get haunted by the whole baby thing from time to time.

I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay to feel this way. This is something that I want so badly that it hurts in a way I can't describe. It hurts from a place that I didn't even know existed inside of me. I try so desperately every moment of every day not to think about it, because if I think about it too much, the tears will flow.

Wow, that's dramatic. Unfortunately, I don't know any other way to describe it. That biological clock that I have silently been questioning if I have or not (even through all of our time TTC!) has come out in full force. Yeah, it's there, and has apparently decided to start ticking. Loudly.

For those of you who read this that are mothers or pregnant or are members of some kind of Mother's Day sensitivity group, please don't think it is a rant against you. Believe me, it's not you, it's me. Thanks.

Better.

2012-04-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

In the 4+ years since I started this blog, I don't believe I have ever taken a month off from writing! From wedding planning to getting married to newlywed status and beyond, I have had A LOT to say. This blog (and you that have read and supported me throughout the years) has been a source for inspiration, celebration, and love. You have also seen me through some very, very difficult times; the hardest of my life. You may not know it, but you kept me going through many of those rough patches. That is why I feel so bad about falling silent. It isn't for lack of care or a desire to be mysterious. I think about my blog a lot, but I just don't know where to start with all of this.

Some blogs catalog the rebuilding of their kitchens or losing ten pounds or the growth of a pregnant belly. I blogged about infertility and chronic health problems. Fun! But that was what was going on in my life, so I won't apologize for it. However, somehow my focus shifted from living with infertility to an infertile life. It took me awhile, but I discovered that is simply not sustainable. One cannot live off of negativity and disappointment forever. It has to stop at some point by either (a) getting better or (b) finding a new way to live.

I chose (b) because, well, things weren't getting better. I now realize that through choosing option (b), option (a) happened.

I wish I had a focal point right now; some tangible project I could undertake to physically show you it's getting better. But I can't take weekly photos of my progress, because it's all contained in my big ass noggin. This is the grandest journey in self-discovery I have undertaken since I started college over ten years ago and had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be. I am now 30 (about to be 31) and am going through a second wave of "reinventing" myself. It seems a lot harder at 31. Maybe because my ability to throw caution to the wind has waned and the days of relying on my parents' bank accounts are over? What a lot of folks figure out by their mid-twenties has taken me an extra five years to grasp. This is my life. Whatever I am doing or not doing at the moment shapes and defines me and my life. Life wasn't delivering all of the gifts I dreamed it would, and it was hard to face that music. Reality can be such a bitch. However, it meant I had to put my head down, and work that much harder. I have always been a hard worker, but I broke down. I felt like doors were closing all around me. I got so used to doors closing that I forgot that they can open, too.

When I thought about what defined me, as a person, I came up short. I wanted someone, anyone, to figure my life out for me. Newsflash! That doesn't happen when you're an adult. When you're an adult you figure your own shit out. See what I mean? Most people get this by their mid-twenties. I was still confused, and that made me feel out of control. Cue: anxiety. Sure I can blame it on the lack of getting pregnant or the never-ending health issues. Those were major contributing factors, but ultimately, I was lost. I am still working on forgiving myself for all of this.

So I've been away from the blog and away from most online distractions that just aren't what I need right now. These days you can find me on Pinterest pinning cute clothes and pretty handbags. I enjoy the mindlessness of it. But other than that, I need to focus and keep working on my priorities. I think about you all (or you few?) a lot. Sometimes I read your blogs, because I miss you guys and want to know what's going on with you. Thank you for the emails and kind words and messages wondering if I'm alive. I am alive and doing really, really well! Thank you for caring and reaching out. It means a lot.

I'm here.

2012-03-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

I keep meaning to say something. I have mentally written a dozen blog posts in the past few weeks. The truth is that I have nothing to say, and everything to say at the same time. No, I'm not pregnant. I feel like I need to put that out there given that I have written about infertility for so long, and then I just went silent.

This isn't really a post about pregnancy or fertility/infertility though. It's about how I am trying to take back control of my life after a long time of feeling like I couldn't get a grasp on anything. Two years of pain, surgeries, and negative pregnancy tests will do that to a person. I had no concept of time, because I was always looking ahead, and thinking about how next month was "the" month.

No more of that. I'm done with that mentality. I'm done with trying to be three steps ahead, and forgetting about what is going on in the here and now. An opportunity presented itself for me to work a job doing something I love, and I took it. I don't want to jinx anything, but I am starting to find myself again. Sure, I'd love it if a baby were part of all of this, but, what are you going to do, right? I need to focus on the aspects of my life that I can control.

I have also discovered that this new lease on life is contagious! L realized that he's been in a rut, and created a whole new set of professional goals for himself. It's amazing to hear him waking up early or notice he's not in bed at night because he's staying up late working toward his goals. We are both exhausted, and have little free time (bye bye online time), but we feel so hopeful about the future.

I know that being in a better place not only helps me, but it helps everyone around me. I had let my existence become so small, and that was crippling. We will never give up on expanding our family. Never. However, hoping for children is just one aspect of what is going on in my life right now. It doesn't define me.

I am finally starting to remember that life is good.

On Repeat.

2012-03-26T11:31:00.003-07:00

I can't wait for his new album. This song is pretty much on repeat forever. I connect with it so deeply, especially in terms of my marriage.

Mraz, you slay me.

Blogging for Endometriosis: Physical Impact

2012-03-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month!

I am working with an incredible group of women to help educate and spread awareness about endometriosis. With 5.5 million women in North America alone being affected, there is a good chance that you know someone battling this often unrelenting disease.

Throughout the month of March, we will be hosting a blog carnival with different weekly topics. See the bottom of this post for links to other Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness participants.

Week of March 5th: Physical impact that endometriosis has had on your life
Week of March 12th: Mental impact that endo has had on your life
Week of March 19th: Fertility issues (if any) related to endo
Week of March 26th: Things that you have found helpful with endo or that have allow you to cope in spite of illness

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Endometriosis can be physically exhausting. At times, it has literally sucked the life out of me. My life is scheduled around the side effects of endometriosis and my period. Something so simple as a last minute gathering with friends can cause major anxiety if I am dealing with cramps or bleeding or fatigue that day.

In short, I can't be the woman that "does it all" anymore. Not even close. I am the woman that schedules my life around a chronic illness, and tries my best to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

It has taken me years to admit that to myself. I still struggle with owning up to it at times. I wasn't always this way. I view myself as was one of the more silent victims of endo. Since I started my period at age 13, I remember having some difficult cycles here and there. Cramps, bleeding, etc. Other than bad cramps, there was nothing too far out of the ordinary. I was rarely sidelined by my period, and was a competitive athlete throughout high school. I would go to school from 8am-3pm, and go to basketball practice from 3:30pm-6pm every day, and those practices were NO JOKE. The one side effect I did suffer from was breakthrough bleeding. I remember visiting my doctor on a number of occasions because I was worried about my spotting. I was given birth control every visit, and told I would grow out of it. I was told that my period was irregular because I was young. I had no family history of endometriosis, and never had a friend or acquaintance with it. I was clueless when it came to this disease.

My point in sharing this background information is to note that most of my life I didn't have much physical evidence I was suffering from endo. It wasn't until my mid- to late- twenties that I started to really wonder what was going on. After graduate school, and around the time I got engaged (age 26) was when I started to notice my periods were changing. They were becoming noticeably heavier and clot-filled. I would become so crampy and sickly during the first two to three days of my period that I would need to stay in bed. The bleeding was so heavy that I couldn't really leave my house.

All of these physical impacts affected my ability to function, and get through my day. I cut back on work, and eventually went part time. I have also had periods of complete unemployment due to physically not being able to work. This has put a HUGE strain on my career aspirations. I rarely talk about it, because it upsets me so much. Other physical impacts include anemia due to blood loss. I was depressed, and I didn't know why. My workouts were significantly shorter and less strenuous due to endo pains. Some days, I simply couldn't work out.

I continue to deal with all these side effects even today. I feel like I am a little better at tackling them now, because I have had years of practice, yet you never really get used to the pain and isolation. You just get a little better at forgiving yourself for the cancelled vacations, for the missed birthdays, for the times when your husband wants to be out all day, and you need to come home and rest.

BUT, in spite of all of your physical shortcomings, you find a core strength inside yourself that you honestly never knew you had. It is an ability to move forward and live your best life, even when everything in your body is trying to hold you back. That is an endometriosis survivor.

Other Endometriosis Awareness bloggers:

Moving On...Sorta

2012-02-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

Life has been really weird since we found out the IUI didn't work. I don't know. I'm just so over this shit. Thinking about it makes me angry and bitter, and I don't want to walk around pissed off every day of my life. So, I'm avoiding it all together.

I haven't been on Twitter, because I don't want to talk about infertility, and frankly I don't want to read all the pregnancy and baby news either, so I've cut it off for awhile. I pop on every now and then, but mostly I'm doing my own thing.

L and I have been having good days, and other days it's a real challenge. I feel vulnerable after this latest infertility failure, and my instinct is to just push away. I was really gung ho for a few days and found myself hastily looking over IVF statistics, protocols, and any bit of information I could get my hands on. Then I got moody, and needed to just put it away. It certainly didn't help to call my doctor's office and find out he's out of the country for the next month. Are you fucking kidding me?

Moody. Let me elaborate on that. I have been incredibly moody. I guess others have been noticing. I was having a conversation with someone I am really close to, and we started arguing about something (I seriously can't remember what it was) And she said, "How does L put up with you sometimes?" She didn't mean it as horribly as it came out, but her comment cut deep. I haven't wanted to deal with how much I have let infertility affect every ounce of my being. It has affected my marriage, my friendships (not many of those left), and even my demeanor and personality. It has slowly taken a lot away from me, and I don't enjoy life like I used to. This makes me upset and I don't know whether to cry or scream. I don't really know how to handle this phase of my life. The only things I can do are forgive myself and try to move forward, but it's hard. I feel like the life I once lived and the life I once dreamed of are simultaneously slipping away from me, and if I wait long enough, both will be gone forever.

The funny thing is that even if I did get pregnant, I don't think all of these problems would instantly turn to peaches. But when you're infertile, you imagine it will. That is a lot of pressure to put on one little baby: solver of everything that is wrong. I definitely have some shit to work out. I definitely have some shit I need to think about. Yes, shit needs to be worked out and thought about.

In better news, I have new work opportunities that hopefully can keep me busy for awhile. I'm grateful for that. I need to distract myself from everything that makes me into a grumpy bitch. It's just not a good look for me, or for anyone actually.

The Opposite of Positive

2012-02-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you to each and every person who has commented, emailed, or silently sent us good thoughts for our IUI. Sadly, the IUI was not successful which was 100% confirmed by my period four days before I even had a chance to pee on a stupid stick.

When we were first told we might have trouble getting pregnant, I wasn't that upset. In retrospect, I realize I reacted that way, because I had no concept of how arduous, painful, and frustrating this process would actually be. I was still in a semi-positive state of mind where I believed my gyno when she said post-surgery, "You're gonna get pregnant right away!"

After 2+ years of varying levels of trying, and almost one year since my surgery, the reality has finally sunk in. This might not happen for us; and that is the scariest thing I have had to admit to myself thus far on this journey. It doesn't mean I'm throwing the towel in, although our finances are thinning. It doesn't mean hope is lost. I'll always have hope. It just means that I am coming to grips with the dark abyss that is long term infertility.

Thank you again to everyone that kept us in your thoughts. Even though we didn't get the results we had hoped for, we are so grateful for the love that surrounds us.

You've Come a Long Way, IUI.

2012-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Well, guys, we did it. After four botched cycles, we actually completed our first IUI! We are currently starting the infamous two week wait.

I have been silent about all of this, mostly because I've been nervous as hell that something would go wrong, and the cycle would be cancelled...yet again. I have also been going through a series of emotional ups and downs, and have not really felt much like sharing.

I have been on fertility injections (because Clomid was a bust) since Day 3 (Day 1 = first day of your period) to make my eggies grow. I learned that giving myself injections is something I am not interested in doing. This was a surprise, because I'm usually pretty nonchalant when it comes to needles. Turns out I'm a little baby chicken, so L gave them to me. Major husband points scored there. I learned that a bloated, bruised tummy is something that comes along with the meds, and I've just got to suck it up. I learned to keep my cool when my doctor prescribed me "vaginal suppositories" for the next couple of weeks. Guess we can count a "sexy" Valentine's Day out this year, huh?

This is all part of the game, and we've finally made it past the first quarter. Shit, we've somehow catapulted ourselves into the fourth quarter. How we do dat?

I still can't believe our turn finally came around.

To be honest, this cycle of medication for the IUI was a lot more involved (and pricey) than I imagined. The nightly shots coupled with the side effects of the medication were a daily reminder of how much science and medicine are taking over what is supposed to be a natural part of life. L and I were talking the other night, and we agreed that this process feels odd to us. We feel like we are both a bit distanced from it. The drugs are doing their thing, and we are hovering overhead watching from the other side of the ultrasound machine. Except, my body is being used as the home base for this experiment, so I am tangentially involved in that I get to be a pin cushion, and feel all the shitty side effects.

I don't know what to make of it at this point. I am still taking it one day at a time. I know this two week wait is going to drag. I just want to rest and feel like myself again. I want to nourish my body, and praise it for the miracle that it is. Thank you, body, for giving me the chance to participate in this crazy science experiment!

We've given conception and pregnancy the best chances we can possibly give them at this time. However, despite all that the medical world provides, L's sperm still has to find my egg, and together they still have to decide if this is going to work or not. Nature gets the final say.

And now, we wait...

Doggy Play Date.

2012-02-02T06:30:00.000-08:00

Last month, my mom brought her dog Jake over to our place for some doggy play time. Jake and Henry are best friends. My mom adopted Jake a few months after we adopted Henry. Jake was about two years old at the time. They started an immediate friendship that has only gotten stronger as the years go on.

Emma, the princess, prefers to sit and watch the dumb boys make fools of themselves. She usually hides, but secretly spies on them.

Does your dog have friends and doggy play dates?

Lifestyles of the Married and Infertile: Baby Boom

2012-01-31T06:30:00.000-08:00

source

I may be exaggerating a bit (just a smidge) but lately it feels like everyone is pregnant or has a baby. I know this imaginary phenomenon is nothing new in the land of the baby wannabes, but I thought I'd talk about it again in case those of you not interested in babies and pregnancy aren't annoyed enough yet.

Every time I blink, there is another pregnancy announcement. Even the tabloids seem to be experiencing a baby boom. Some of the newly minted pregnant celebrities really make me scratch my head. THEY are pregnant and not me? Oooookay. But I'm not gonna venture down that slippery slope.

On top of all of the announcements, pregnancies themselves are somehow moving at an accelerated pace. Ten-ish months is a pretty long time, but when you're NOT pregnant (I repeat, not pregnant) those months fly by and you can't believe so-and-so already gave birth. Similarly, newborns are becoming toddlers in about five seconds flat. Our baby cousin who I cradled in my arms, in what feels like it was just a few days ago, is now walking all over the place. And apparently he also knows baby sign language. At the last holiday gathering, his parents kept trying to showcase his signing abilities while he gave them the equivalent of a baby middle finger by completely ignoring them.

"Everyone" is moving forward, and strangely I haven't moved an inch.

We have been married for about two and a half years, and are in our early thirties. We have officially entered the marital phase/reached the age where people are starting to wonder, "Where's the baby?" Perhaps we are having relationship problems? Maybe we don't want kids? Maybe we are focusing too much on our careers? Oh, inquisitive minds, I wish the answer were as simple as, "I love my job, and don't want to slow down to have kids!"

I don't blame innocent bystanders for wondering where our offspring are. People are usually just trying to make conversation. Sometimes I get a little perturbed at the extent of the questioning or the way questions are phrased, but I get over it rather quickly. It just sucks to keep getting asked about things that you don't want to think or talk about. Sometimes I get tired of having to be "bigger" than the situation in front of me. I want to be petty and throw myself on the floor like a toddler.

Have you ever felt like you are being left behind in life? Not just in the baby sense. Ever felt like you are stuck, feet frozen, while everyone else around you moves ahead?

Instagram

2012-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

I've had an Instagram account for a long time. However, it wasn't until recently that I discovered that not only can I edit my photos in cool ways, but I can add friends, too. Yes, I'm a little slow.

If you have Instagram, let's be friends! I'm carlysdreams.

My account is private right now so you have to request an add. Feel free to leave your user name, and I'll follow back, too.

Cutting Back on Online Deal Sites

2012-01-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

This year I have decided to decrease my spending on online deal sites. I am mainly referring to Groupon, but also Living Social, TravelZoo Deals, and other coupon/deal website.

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile for several reasons.

First off, purchasing deals has become way too easy. With the Groupon iPhone application (disabled that), and my credit card information conveniently stored in my online account, I click "buy" and it's done. I was also getting up to twenty emails advertising various deals per day. I decided to unsubscribe from those emails. It is much easier for me to impulse buy with all of the above temptations. I've purchased several deals which I really don't need.

This leads me to my next points of waste and expiration dates. Between L, myself, and my parents, it is easy to lose track of all our purchased deals. My mom has given us a number of Groupons as gifts. Last year, we received a one night stay at a luxury San Diego resort off a deal site as part of L's birthday gift, and we forgot about it and it expired. F*ck. We called the resort, and were told we could get the equivalent of the original price paid for the deal, which was the cost of a discounted room. However, the extra amenities that were part of the package such as wine and a picnic basket lunch expired along with the deal. We felt terrible, and have yet to use our room credit.

Then there's good old procrastination. Most of our online deal purchases are from restaurants. Really awesome deals from places like Gap, Whole Foods, or Nordstrom Rack are the unicorns of the online deal world. Yet, there are tons of restaurant deals. If you've actually been to the featured restaurant before and know it's good, then buying an online coupon is probably a great idea. However, trying out new places on a deal can be tricky, especially if you procrastinate. Our experiences have gone a little like this.

I get reeled into buying $20 for $40 worth of food at a New-to-Us Restaurant. I look at the expiration date, and see that we have seven months to use it. "No biggie," I think to myself, "We will surely use this within SEVEN months!" Seven months go by, and we realize the deal is set to expire within days. We arrive at the restaurant, coupon in hand, and get stuck on a forced date with a shitload of other procrastinating deal junkies. The restaurant, which hasn't seen this much business since 1998, is swamped, and consequently the service is most likely less stellar than it would be on a normal business day. We get the bill, and are excited that it's $17 not including tip. Score! Except, if I was more astute, I would realize that we just spent well over $40 for a mediocre experience.

This has happened to us on a handful of occasions. I take some responsibility for our procrastination, but still, we are paying out money for this.

Conversely, there are some definite upsides to deal sites. We have a beautiful canvas print of one of our favorite wedding pictures. We have gotten discounts on museum memberships, movie tickets, and massages. When we treat ourselves to deals that we really want or need, we have a much higher level of satisfaction.

On average we purchase one to three deals per month; it varies depending on the offerings that month. I'd like to limit this to "must haves" (like Whole Foods), and deals where we make concrete plans to use it. For example, we recently found a discount on Cirque du Soleil tickets. L has never seen a show, so we decided we will go as a Valentine's treat. I feel good about this type of purchase.

In addition, I am trying to be more vigilant about checking up on new restaurants and businesses before purchasing a deal from them. I check Yelp, and read restaurant and small business reviews religiously. Last week, I was within an inch of purchasing what looked like a great deal for a pedicure and massage. Then I did a little online research and wasn't thrilled with the spa's reviews and comments. I decided to pass on it.

How has your experience been with online deal sites like Groupon, Living Social, etc.? Have you ever gotten carried away with purchasing deals?

Anxiety and Relapsing

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks, anxiety has been sneakily and subtly creeping back in my life. It started out like before: a distinct feeling of being overwhelmed. I was in a public place, and all of a sudden, I had a heightened sense of awareness of what was going on around me. Every sight, every sound, every tremor was brighter, louder, and shakier than I previously knew it to be. Then my throat felt funny; like it was getting increasingly hard to swallow. I woke up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason, and needed the television to lull me back to sleep. I had to take deep breaths more and more just to feel like I was getting the tiniest puff of air in my lungs.

Tasks take longer.
Responsibilities are paralyzing.
Motivations are muted.

I made an appointment with my doctor to get my thyroid checked. When my anxiety ramps up, I am usually convinced my symptoms are due to some minor physical ailment like, maybe, end stage cancer? I had some tests run (which thankfully all came back normal). I had a talk with my doctor about what has been going on. She listened to my concerns. She took me seriously (which I really appreciate). She wondered if maybe allergies were to blame for my throat feeling tight? I guess my tonsils looked a little enlarged. I humored her that maybe it was allergies after all. That maybe it was just enlarged tonsils. But we both knew that it was probably not allergies or enlarged tonsils.

I am dealing with a relapse of anxiety.

I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing the relapse. If only it were that easy?! Life is busy right now, but no busier than it was two months ago or two months before that. Perhaps it is residual stress that has been building, and it is just manifesting itself now? I have no clue.

In a moment of trying to "fix" his freaked out wife, L asked me if I wanted to go back on Paxil. He got a firm "no" in response. For now, I will not go back on medication unless there are literally no options left. If you want to know why, read my posts about Paxil withdrawals here and here.

I have been looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. Therapy has always been on the table, but I have yet to actually make the call and see someone. I don't know why. Maybe I'm skeptical? Scared?

When it comes to the deep breathing, the meditation, the yoga, and all the other "clear your mind" techniques, I have found that they are only temporary fixes. Sometimes they don't even make a dent in my anxiety. At the end of the day, I am stuck with me. To help my anxiety, I have to go back to the basics: my thought patterns.

I have a hard time letting go. This pertains to most aspects of my life. I hold on, and hold on...and hold on some more. I am also extremely hard on myself. It is not uncommon for me to beat myself over things that have long been said and done or to worry immensely about events that have yet to happen.

I am remembering to let go, and not be so hard on myself. I am letting others in, and asking for help. I am remembering that I deserve a pat on the back every now and then. I am doing nice things for myself on occasion. I am remembering life isn't that hard nor is it that dramatic. My anxiety makes everything much harder and more dramatic than it needs to be. I am working on remaining in the present, and not focusing on the past or the future.

The seemingly simple act of changing my thought patterns has been doing a pretty decent job of combating my anxiety. I am still fighting an uphill battle, but I am trying to be as proactive as possible and am working to fix this latest relapse before it gets out of hand. I am determined not to fall down the anxiety rabbit hole ever again.

Anyone out there dealt with anxiety or anxiety relapses? How do you cope?

Inspiration and Journals

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I have been desperately searching every nook and cranny of my brain for inspiration. This has gone on for awhile. I love to feel inspired, and I feel like my creative juices have dried up, and all my brain power has been taken up by trying to answer futile questions like, "Why am I not pregnant?" and "Why do we have so many bills?" All of that is a part of my life, but man, how freaking depressing!

I was aimlessly hunting around online earlier today, and came across some beautiful journals on Anthropologie's website. I stared at the pictures, and for the first time in a long time, I felt inspired.

{image 1,2,3}

I am considering starting a journal again. Not like the kind I kept in middle school. "Dear Diary, Today I went to school. Then I came home." More like an unstructured collection of my thoughts, inspirations, snippets of life, recipes, etc. (Recipes. Did you catch that one? Bahaha!) Blogs can be journals, but mine really hasn't been that way for a long time. Who knows? Maybe a written journal will help inspire some ideas for the blog.

It's the beginning of the year which means I am still allowed to believe I can successfully integrate personal projects like this into my life, right?

Where do you find inspiration for blog posts? Where do you find creative inspiration for your life? Ever feel like you are caught in a creative funk?

An M83 Kind of Night

2012-01-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, L and I caught an M83 concert at Club Nokia in downtown LA. It was my Christmas present from L and the pups. ;)

M83 was fantastic in concert, and the venue was a lot of fun. Intimate and pretty cool.

If you've never heard of M83, you might recognize this popular song, Midnight City, off the new album.

Don't mind my odd hair. I'm growing it out right now. Or trying to.

Today's Outfit:

Chiffon Puff Sleeve Blouse {American Apparel}

Black Skinny Jeans {Gap}

Boots {Ann Taylor LOFT}

Necklace {Modcloth}

The Fertility Treatment Slow Lane

2012-01-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

You know those blog posts you read from pregnant women, "Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy"? There should also be one entitled "Things No One Told Me About Infertility and/or Fertility Treatments".

I feel like I am perpetually one step behind, and constantly clawing to catch up. There is no real way to be fully prepared for infertility and/or fertility treatments unless (a) you studied reproductive endocrinology in medical school or (b) there is no b. It's like that dream where you wake up and you slept through final exams. You feel insecure, inadequate, and like you are screwing your life up big time. Damn, I hate that dream. That's kind of how all of this feels, except it's real life. I am so unprepared for what is behind the next door of infertility fun.

But getting back to things no one told me - I have a big one. No one told me that fertility treatments can be delayed, or worse, cancelled. In my mind, the doctor spells out a particular treatment plan, the patient adheres to the protocol, and then anxiously awaits the results. All of the anxiety and potential heartache lies in the results a.k.a. are you pregnant or not? I somehow failed to take into account that we are dealing with our bodies here. Fertility drugs may or may not help things along. Procedures may or may not improve your chances of success. Our bodies will react or not react however they damn please.

For example, take my situation. I've been living in a strange gray area called, "Three months and No IUI."

I started treatment with my fertility doctor about three months ago, and we have been sidelined three cycles in a row. Why? Two different cysts and a bad reaction to the fertility drug, Clomid. That's the long and the short of it. I don't have the time nor the care to map out how this makes me feel. Actually, you can probably guess how this makes me feel. What's the word? Mad? Not really. Sad? Eh. Frustrated? Bingo.

No one told me you could get fertility treatment blue balls. And, yet, here I am, with one of the worst cases of IUI blue balls on record. Apparently, my body is in the fertility treatment slow lane. She's got an attitude like, "Oh, you thought I was just gonna do what you wanted? You wish, bitch!"

As each day passes, I am learning I have less and less control over where my body wants to go or what my body wants to do next. I am just a passenger along for the ride. Cue more frustration.

Any friends want to share other things no one told you about infertility and/or fertility treatments? Maybe we can all learn something.

Domestic Pressure and A Lightbulb Moment

2012-01-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

As a married woman in my thirties, I have felt a good amount of internal and external pressure lately to partake in domestic activities. If you've read this blog for awhile or even just look at the blog's title you know that I'm certainly not the perfect homemaker. It isn't a big surprise or anything. Thankfully, L likes to vacuum, so it balances everything out, right?

This year at a Christmas gathering, L's aunties were laying the domestic pressure on thick. They kept asking L what I cook for him during the week. They asked me what my favorite dishes were to prepare, and they laughed when I said, "I dunno. Breakfast foods?"

It was awkward. Now that I think about it, I do have a few culinary tricks up my sleeve, but I got flustered and couldn't think straight. It just isn't a question I was accustomed to answering in my twenties. Now I'm a somewhat older wife, and it's like, "Am I supposed to be ironing shit on Sunday afternoons while the casserole bakes?"

I know the brigade of aunties and my MIL think my lack of domesticity is hilarious. I'm glad I can provide this comedic service for them. But funniness aside, it doesn't negate the fact that I felt inadequate standing there, and perplexed as to why this even mattered.

Later, I started thinking more deeply about domestic responsibility, and why it is such a point of contention for me. I was raised to believe that cooking and cleaning were the last things I should know how to do. My career ambitions and ability to stand on my own always came first. I went to an all women's college where they turned their noses up at the thought of a woman keeping house and/or taking care of her husband. These values were such a stronghold in my life that it almost felt like a betrayal if I admitted that sometimes I like to bake cookies. But, who was I betraying? I guess I was betraying some young college girl's fantasy of what it means to be a liberated woman. Ha! Good luck with that, twenty-one year old Carly.

The truth is that I actually want to learn how to cook. I actually enjoy caring for my husband (sometimes), and fussing over him (most of the time). These things do not make me needy, antiquated, or pathetic. I have little desire in perfecting the art of homemaking. That much I know. But, I can take snippets from here and there, and decide what I want to add to my skill set, and what I don't. I think it's pretty fabulous that the modern woman can be a little of everything: educated and ambitious with the ability to cook a mean turkey chili when she feels like it.

So cooking - yes. I need to get my ass in gear with that. But cleaning? Well, that's another story. I like to buy pretty things for our house, but I'm not a fan of cleaning, and I refuse to get excited about cleaning products. Oh L, remember how much you like to scrub things and organize? Knock yourself out!

With that said, one of my "goals" for 2012 is to improve my cooking skills. I've enlisted my mom in helping me with this task. She's been making delicious meals for her family for over thirty years, and I couldn't think of a better teacher. I already had her teach me how to make the simplest little holiday cheesecakes.

I took some to the family New Year's gathering the other day. While we were driving to L's cousin's house L was like, "Those look amazing, honey!" I replied coolly, "Yea, they're called Shut the Fuck Up cakes."

I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and to eventually feed yet-to-be-conceived kids, but I'm sure it will feel pretty damn good to shut people up for awhile.

On Resolutions

2011-12-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

Before I babble on about the new year, I hope all of you enjoyed your holidays! For us, Christmas 2011 was a time to be with family, eat, and relax.

***

L and I decided to go on a walk just the two of us the day after Christmas. We don't exercise together anymore after L joined a gym, and I have been working out on my own. While working out separately was a great decision for both of us, I still miss that alone time we used to carve out for ourselves.

We walked and talked for awhile, and somehow the topic of New Year's resolutions was brought up. Both of us are not really into making resolutions. We've had a few fleeting "I'm gonna lose ten pounds" declarations throughout the years, but they usually fly out the window by February.

I enjoyed our discussion, and believe that we came out of it with a new set of goals in mind. We've both been very goal-oriented lately, and I think it has done wonders to help us in planning for our future, both immediate and long term.

After sharing our goals and dreams for 2012, we made a pit stop near the ocean to take in the views. It left me feeling good about what is in store for the new year.

Do you make resolutions every year? Do you have a list of goals for 2012?

On Perspective

2011-12-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to keep up with #WEVerb11, but, truth be told, I never intended on answering every prompt. To me, the point is to find a way to reflect on the past twelve months, and to find nuggets of truth and meaning that are important to YOU. This post is kind of an all-encompassing #WEVerb11 response.

It has taken me this entire month, but I finally had a light bulb moment about 2011. I have been digging deep trying to find the purpose as to why L and I have run into so many obstacles, why I don't have many good things to say about this year, why I just want this year to end, etc. The conclusion is that there is no concrete answer to any of it. Twelve months have passed, and this is what we have to show for it.

Then it dawned on me: perspective. I need to do a better job of putting it all in perspective. We are fortunate to have health insurance, and that it covered my surgery and various health-related hiccups we have faced in 2011. Insurance does not cover fertility treatments making us even more fortunate to have the opportunity to pursue them. We have a roof over our heads, clothing on our backs, nutritious food and clean water at our disposal. We have been given the chance to pursue our dreams. We are blessed. I am not trying to devalue my pain and suffering, or anyone else's for that matter. It is all relative. However, it has really helped me to change my perspective a little and remember to stay grateful.

With that said, my mom sent me this article called "16 Ways to Make an Incredible Impact with Less than $15" from Oprah.com awhile back. I bookmark'ed it for future reference. You don't have to have a lot of money or time in order to impact the lives of others.

I'm dedicating this post to being grateful and giving back.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

And I Finally Cried.

2011-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

I looked back at my posts lately, and realized that I don't have much to show for my writing (or my life for that matter) other than blubbering on about trying to conceive. It has become somewhat of an obsession; an obsession that I would like to make peace with for awhile. While trying to conceive has been a constant in our lives for a long time - living, thinking, and breathing infertility has reached epic proportions lately. In short, I need to cool it.

The clincher occurred late last week when we were told our latest IUI was postponed. Our first attempt was cancelled. I never told you about that, because it was horrible, and I am trying to erase it from short term memory. But after this latest road block, I broke. As I sat in my fertility doctor's reception area waiting to pay him $200 for more bad news, I literally wanted to scream. Infertility, you broke me. Congratulations, f*cker.

Nothing has been easy for us; not one step. I could not placate my feelings for another moment. I finally accessed those tears I told you about that went missing during the earlier part of this year. I let the overwhelming sadness in my heart mingle with the disappointment in my mind. Heart and mind had a long, overdue rendezvous, and it wasn't pretty. I told L that he should consider finding another woman in his life, because I wasn't cutting it anymore. Not a personal high point. He held me, and we cried together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but whoa, we still totally love each other. How is that even possible after all the shit we've been through? I cried to my mom about all of the infertile things I could never say to her over the past two years. She listened through the phone, and told me she already knew. Turns out moms feel everything we are going through even when we say nothing. At this point, she doesn't give a shit about grandchildren. She just wants me to be okay. She's told me that before, but I really needed to hear it at that very moment.

I've been quiet and contemplative the past few days. I think I need time to just be, and figure out where I am going from here. I had a different outlook on life before this baby stuff took over. It's difficult to see that outlook slipping into obscurity. I always said I wouldn't be that sad, barren woman. Lately, I am learning that I am that woman, and it's okay. I repeat: it's OKAY. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to feel defeated. I'm emotionally bruised and beaten up, but I'm still me.

The month of December has actually been pretty good for us minus the fertility treatments. I'm looking forward to a new year, and new opportunities. Hope is always there, but we need a fresh start. I was trying to be all cheery earlier this month, but, I just want this year to end. This makes my participation in WEVerb#11 a little tricky, but I still want to try and keep up with some of the prompts!

{Us at Joffrey Ballet's The Nutcracker. Doesn't L look beyond excited for his first ballet?!}

Thank you all for your continued support. I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season whether single, dating, married, divorced, child-free, trying to conceive, infertile, pregnant, or parents! Did I miss anyone? You have been such lights in my life.

Body Image Amidst TTC and Chronic Illness

2011-12-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

In the past few years, my body image has faced a couple of heavy hitters. We have been trying to conceive for an estimated twenty-four cycles (not sure of the exact number) without a positive. I have endometriosis which leaves me fatigued and in pain on select days throughout the month. Now we are on the cusp of starting fertility treatments, and I've read that fertility medications can cause your weight to fluctuate, hair to change, stomach to swell, skin to break out. Holy shit, what else? My uterus might pop up and sing me a lullaby? To say the least, maintaining a positive body image is a constant battle.

I think it is common to have negative feelings toward your body when it has disappointed you in some way, shape or form. It is easy to get discouraged when you are trying month after month to do something that is supposed to just be a natural part of life, and it isn't happening. It has made me feel inadequate. It has made me angry. It has made my anxiety soar.

When I was first diagnosed with severe endometriosis, I was relieved to finally have an answer to my pain and misery. However, I was also upset. Why did I have to have this condition? I felt like writing my body a little note. "Dear body, F*CK YOU!"

I get good sleep. I don't smoke. I'm not overweight. I get adequate exercise. I shower daily. I do yoga.

WHY?

If this is about the time that I didn't work out for weeks at a time or ate all that cheese or made some other bad bodily decision...look, I'm sorry. I repent. I bow down to you.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

I struggle often to be okay with my reality. It doesn't always happen. I've been through a lot of rough patches, and continue to work on eradicating the bad feelings.

Here are some things that have helped...

(a) Consistent exercise (duh). Sweating helps me feel like I'm making a difference. Some days I consider a simple walk outside exercise. I've also found that muscle tone is the key to sexiness which is the key to actually liking how my body looks. Self-esteem booster! Modified push-ups are always a good place to start in the muscle department.

(b) Eating well (duh). This is always easier said than done. See part (c) below.

(c) Giving myself a break. I might not be able to do everything I want to do, but I'm still doing pretty good physically. Bad days are what they are; bad days. I try to remember that they are always followed by good days. One meal of junk and fat can always be followed by a healthy food decision. Give yourself a BREAK.

(d) Trying to remember that (as far as I know) there is still a good possibility that I will one day be pregnant.

(e) Not getting too far ahead of myself. Endometriosis is a chronic, long term condition. It may never go away. Getting too far ahead of myself causes paralyzing fear. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, baby steps, etc. Remembering to live by these mantras has never failed to calm my anxiety.

As women, we battle issues of body image every day for a variety of different reasons. What are your reasons? Have you overcome your issues or are you still dealing with them?

WEVerb #3: Learn

2011-12-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

Learn.
What lesson did you learn in 2011 from "The School of Life" rather than a classroom?

I learned a few things this year. One lesson isn't more important than the other two, so I figured I would share them all.

You are stronger than you ever thought possible.
Always be grateful.
You can't control what others think of you.

2011 was another tough year. I'm not being overly dramatic or negative. It's the truth, and I can't sugarcoat that. Adulthood doesn't come with instructions. Sometimes you are thrown into less than stellar situations, and it is up to you to figure out how to survive. L and I are still waiting to catch our break. It seems to have happened sooner in life for a lot of our friends (not just talking about a baby, by the way). But, we know there are good things to come, so we will keep looking ahead.

Through the combination of a positive attitude and a grateful heart, I have been able to move mountains (or, at least, it feels that way). I am trying my best to be grateful for every moment, and the opportunities I have been afforded thus far in my life. I used to be spoiled. I used to be selfish. I used to take my good fortune for granted. Wow, I was a real gem. The things I considered "problems" seem rather silly now. 2011 was a year for me to continue to visualize and embrace what is important in life.

I'm beginning to love and accept myself more than ever before. A big part of this is due to the realization that you can't control what others think of you. I am learning to let go of the worry, the doubt, and the people pleasing. It's all just crap. What we think of ourselves is what matters. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves, and the choices we make.

And now that I'm beginning to sound like a bad motivational speaker...I'll end this post.

What are some life lessons you learned this year?

PMS City, man.

2011-12-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

The menstrual gods have it out for me this month. I'm two days late. No, I'm not pregnant. I had a run-in with clomid earlier this month, and apparently it can cause your cycles to become abnormally long. If you're lucky, I won't tell you that story.

So now I'm stuck in period limbo, and my PMS is raging like I'm a greasy faced 8th grader with an unpredictable cycle.

Evidence of my PMS:

I had an appointment with my acupuncturist whom I normally love to pieces. He usually says all the right things, and generally makes me feel relaxed and supported. Today, we were chatting it up as usual. I confessed that I was frustrated by the delay in my period, and he explained to me about how clomid can mess with my cycle. I was sort of relieved to hear that, because I was starting to wonder what the deal was. As I started to express my relief in words, he cut me off and said to me, "Just be patient. Why are you getting so worked up? Patience is a virtue."

OH HELL NO.

I felt my face heat up, and my ears get hot. I explained to him in my best Asian "I'm nice" girl manner how I've tried to be very patient. It's been two years. I'm running low on patience. He laughed, then I sorta politely snorted in return. But what I really wanted to do was kick his front teeth in.

I know he meant well, but in that moment, I felt PMS rage. I didn't want to be lectured about being patient about my period, especially from a man. For some reason, that mattered to me.

Also, I need to write a book about the conversations I eavesdrop on while waiting to see my acupuncturist. The walls are thin, and I have nothing better to do. Funny shit. I'm sure somewhere out there, a woman is sitting at home writing in her blog or telling her husband about the hilariously possessed PMS woman at acupuncture in the room next to her.