The Less Than Domestic Goddess

Cutting Back on Online Deal Sites

2012-01-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

This year I have decided to decrease my spending on online deal sites. I am mainly referring to Groupon, but also Living Social, TravelZoo Deals, and other coupon/deal website.

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile for several reasons.

First off, purchasing deals has become way too easy. With the Groupon iPhone application (disabled that), and my credit card information conveniently stored in my online account, I click "buy" and it's done. I was also getting up to twenty emails advertising various deals per day. I decided to unsubscribe from those emails. It is much easier for me to impulse buy with all of the above temptations. I've purchased several deals which I really don't need.

This leads me to my next points of waste and expiration dates. Between L, myself, and my parents, it is easy to lose track of all our purchased deals. My mom has given us a number of Groupons as gifts. Last year, we received a one night stay at a luxury San Diego resort off a deal site as part of L's birthday gift, and we forgot about it and it expired. F*ck. We called the resort, and were told we could get the equivalent of the original price paid for the deal, which was the cost of a discounted room. However, the extra amenities that were part of the package such as wine and a picnic basket lunch expired along with the deal. We felt terrible, and have yet to use our room credit.

Then there's good old procrastination. Most of our online deal purchases are from restaurants. Really awesome deals from places like Gap, Whole Foods, or Nordstrom Rack are the unicorns of the online deal world. Yet, there are tons of restaurant deals. If you've actually been to the featured restaurant before and know it's good, then buying an online coupon is probably a great idea. However, trying out new places on a deal can be tricky, especially if you procrastinate. Our experiences have gone a little like this.

I get reeled into buying $20 for $40 worth of food at a New-to-Us Restaurant. I look at the expiration date, and see that we have seven months to use it. "No biggie," I think to myself, "We will surely use this within SEVEN months!" Seven months go by, and we realize the deal is set to expire within days. We arrive at the restaurant, coupon in hand, and get stuck on a forced date with a shitload of other procrastinating deal junkies. The restaurant, which hasn't seen this much business since 1998, is swamped, and consequently the service is most likely less stellar than it would be on a normal business day. We get the bill, and are excited that it's $17 not including tip. Score! Except, if I was more astute, I would realize that we just spent well over $40 for a mediocre experience.

This has happened to us on a handful of occasions. I take some responsibility for our procrastination, but still, we are paying out money for this.

Conversely, there are some definite upsides to deal sites. We have a beautiful canvas print of one of our favorite wedding pictures. We have gotten discounts on museum memberships, movie tickets, and massages. When we treat ourselves to deals that we really want or need, we have a much higher level of satisfaction.

On average we purchase one to three deals per month; it varies depending on the offerings that month. I'd like to limit this to "must haves" (like Whole Foods), and deals where we make concrete plans to use it. For example, we recently found a discount on Cirque du Soleil tickets. L has never seen a show, so we decided we will go as a Valentine's treat. I feel good about this type of purchase.

In addition, I am trying to be more vigilant about checking up on new restaurants and businesses before purchasing a deal from them. I check Yelp, and read restaurant and small business reviews religiously. Last week, I was within an inch of purchasing what looked like a great deal for a pedicure and massage. Then I did a little online research and wasn't thrilled with the spa's reviews and comments. I decided to pass on it.

How has your experience been with online deal sites like Groupon, Living Social, etc.? Have you ever gotten carried away with purchasing deals?

Anxiety and Relapsing

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks, anxiety has been sneakily and subtly creeping back in my life. It started out like before: a distinct feeling of being overwhelmed. I was in a public place, and all of a sudden, I had a heightened sense of awareness of what was going on around me. Every sight, every sound, every tremor was brighter, louder, and shakier than I previously knew it to be. Then my throat felt funny; like it was getting increasingly hard to swallow. I woke up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason, and needed the television to lull me back to sleep. I had to take deep breaths more and more just to feel like I was getting the tiniest puff of air in my lungs.

Tasks take longer.
Responsibilities are paralyzing.
Motivations are muted.

I made an appointment with my doctor to get my thyroid checked. When my anxiety ramps up, I am usually convinced my symptoms are due to some minor physical ailment like, maybe, end stage cancer? I had some tests run (which thankfully all came back normal). I had a talk with my doctor about what has been going on. She listened to my concerns. She took me seriously (which I really appreciate). She wondered if maybe allergies were to blame for my throat feeling tight? I guess my tonsils looked a little enlarged. I humored her that maybe it was allergies after all. That maybe it was just enlarged tonsils. But we both knew that it was probably not allergies or enlarged tonsils.

I am dealing with a relapse of anxiety.

I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing the relapse. If only it were that easy?! Life is busy right now, but no busier than it was two months ago or two months before that. Perhaps it is residual stress that has been building, and it is just manifesting itself now? I have no clue.

In a moment of trying to "fix" his freaked out wife, L asked me if I wanted to go back on Paxil. He got a firm "no" in response. For now, I will not go back on medication unless there are literally no options left. If you want to know why, read my posts about Paxil withdrawals here and here.

I have been looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. Therapy has always been on the table, but I have yet to actually make the call and see someone. I don't know why. Maybe I'm skeptical? Scared?

When it comes to the deep breathing, the meditation, the yoga, and all the other "clear your mind" techniques, I have found that they are only temporary fixes. Sometimes they don't even make a dent in my anxiety. At the end of the day, I am stuck with me. To help my anxiety, I have to go back to the basics: my thought patterns.

I have a hard time letting go. This pertains to most aspects of my life. I hold on, and hold on...and hold on some more. I am also extremely hard on myself. It is not uncommon for me to beat myself over things that have long been said and done or to worry immensely about events that have yet to happen.

I am remembering to let go, and not be so hard on myself. I am letting others in, and asking for help. I am remembering that I deserve a pat on the back every now and then. I am doing nice things for myself on occasion. I am remembering life isn't that hard nor is it that dramatic. My anxiety makes everything much harder and more dramatic than it needs to be. I am working on remaining in the present, and not focusing on the past or the future.

The seemingly simple act of changing my thought patterns has been doing a pretty decent job of combating my anxiety. I am still fighting an uphill battle, but I am trying to be as proactive as possible and am working to fix this latest relapse before it gets out of hand. I am determined not to fall down the anxiety rabbit hole ever again.

Anyone out there dealt with anxiety or anxiety relapses? How do you cope?

Inspiration and Journals

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I have been desperately searching every nook and cranny of my brain for inspiration. This has gone on for awhile. I love to feel inspired, and I feel like my creative juices have dried up, and all my brain power has been taken up by trying to answer futile questions like, "Why am I not pregnant?" and "Why do we have so many bills?" All of that is a part of my life, but man, how freaking depressing!

I was aimlessly hunting around online earlier today, and came across some beautiful journals on Anthropologie's website. I stared at the pictures, and for the first time in a long time, I felt inspired.

{image 1,2,3}

I am considering starting a journal again. Not like the kind I kept in middle school. "Dear Diary, Today I went to school. Then I came home." More like an unstructured collection of my thoughts, inspirations, snippets of life, recipes, etc. (Recipes. Did you catch that one? Bahaha!) Blogs can be journals, but mine really hasn't been that way for a long time. Who knows? Maybe a written journal will help inspire some ideas for the blog.

It's the beginning of the year which means I am still allowed to believe I can successfully integrate personal projects like this into my life, right?

Where do you find inspiration for blog posts? Where do you find creative inspiration for your life? Ever feel like you are caught in a creative funk?

An M83 Kind of Night

2012-01-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, L and I caught an M83 concert at Club Nokia in downtown LA. It was my Christmas present from L and the pups. ;)

M83 was fantastic in concert, and the venue was a lot of fun. Intimate and pretty cool.

If you've never heard of M83, you might recognize this popular song, Midnight City, off the new album.

Don't mind my odd hair. I'm growing it out right now. Or trying to.

Today's Outfit:

Chiffon Puff Sleeve Blouse {American Apparel}

Black Skinny Jeans {Gap}

Boots {Ann Taylor LOFT}

Necklace {Modcloth}

The Fertility Treatment Slow Lane

2012-01-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

You know those blog posts you read from pregnant women, "Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy"? There should also be one entitled "Things No One Told Me About Infertility and/or Fertility Treatments".

I feel like I am perpetually one step behind, and constantly clawing to catch up. There is no real way to be fully prepared for infertility and/or fertility treatments unless (a) you studied reproductive endocrinology in medical school or (b) there is no b. It's like that dream where you wake up and you slept through final exams. You feel insecure, inadequate, and like you are screwing your life up big time. Damn, I hate that dream. That's kind of how all of this feels, except it's real life. I am so unprepared for what is behind the next door of infertility fun.

But getting back to things no one told me - I have a big one. No one told me that fertility treatments can be delayed, or worse, cancelled. In my mind, the doctor spells out a particular treatment plan, the patient adheres to the protocol, and then anxiously awaits the results. All of the anxiety and potential heartache lies in the results a.k.a. are you pregnant or not? I somehow failed to take into account that we are dealing with our bodies here. Fertility drugs may or may not help things along. Procedures may or may not improve your chances of success. Our bodies will react or not react however they damn please.

For example, take my situation. I've been living in a strange gray area called, "Three months and No IUI."

I started treatment with my fertility doctor about three months ago, and we have been sidelined three cycles in a row. Why? Two different cysts and a bad reaction to the fertility drug, Clomid. That's the long and the short of it. I don't have the time nor the care to map out how this makes me feel. Actually, you can probably guess how this makes me feel. What's the word? Mad? Not really. Sad? Eh. Frustrated? Bingo.

No one told me you could get fertility treatment blue balls. And, yet, here I am, with one of the worst cases of IUI blue balls on record. Apparently, my body is in the fertility treatment slow lane. She's got an attitude like, "Oh, you thought I was just gonna do what you wanted? You wish, bitch!"

As each day passes, I am learning I have less and less control over where my body wants to go or what my body wants to do next. I am just a passenger along for the ride. Cue more frustration.

Any friends want to share other things no one told you about infertility and/or fertility treatments? Maybe we can all learn something.

Domestic Pressure and A Lightbulb Moment

2012-01-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

As a married woman in my thirties, I have felt a good amount of internal and external pressure lately to partake in domestic activities. If you've read this blog for awhile or even just look at the blog's title you know that I'm certainly not the perfect homemaker. It isn't a big surprise or anything. Thankfully, L likes to vacuum, so it balances everything out, right?

This year at a Christmas gathering, L's aunties were laying the domestic pressure on thick. They kept asking L what I cook for him during the week. They asked me what my favorite dishes were to prepare, and they laughed when I said, "I dunno. Breakfast foods?"

It was awkward. Now that I think about it, I do have a few culinary tricks up my sleeve, but I got flustered and couldn't think straight. It just isn't a question I was accustomed to answering in my twenties. Now I'm a somewhat older wife, and it's like, "Am I supposed to be ironing shit on Sunday afternoons while the casserole bakes?"

I know the brigade of aunties and my MIL think my lack of domesticity is hilarious. I'm glad I can provide this comedic service for them. But funniness aside, it doesn't negate the fact that I felt inadequate standing there, and perplexed as to why this even mattered.

Later, I started thinking more deeply about domestic responsibility, and why it is such a point of contention for me. I was raised to believe that cooking and cleaning were the last things I should know how to do. My career ambitions and ability to stand on my own always came first. I went to an all women's college where they turned their noses up at the thought of a woman keeping house and/or taking care of her husband. These values were such a stronghold in my life that it almost felt like a betrayal if I admitted that sometimes I like to bake cookies. But, who was I betraying? I guess I was betraying some young college girl's fantasy of what it means to be a liberated woman. Ha! Good luck with that, twenty-one year old Carly.

The truth is that I actually want to learn how to cook. I actually enjoy caring for my husband (sometimes), and fussing over him (most of the time). These things do not make me needy, antiquated, or pathetic. I have little desire in perfecting the art of homemaking. That much I know. But, I can take snippets from here and there, and decide what I want to add to my skill set, and what I don't. I think it's pretty fabulous that the modern woman can be a little of everything: educated and ambitious with the ability to cook a mean turkey chili when she feels like it.

So cooking - yes. I need to get my ass in gear with that. But cleaning? Well, that's another story. I like to buy pretty things for our house, but I'm not a fan of cleaning, and I refuse to get excited about cleaning products. Oh L, remember how much you like to scrub things and organize? Knock yourself out!

With that said, one of my "goals" for 2012 is to improve my cooking skills. I've enlisted my mom in helping me with this task. She's been making delicious meals for her family for over thirty years, and I couldn't think of a better teacher. I already had her teach me how to make the simplest little holiday cheesecakes.

I took some to the family New Year's gathering the other day. While we were driving to L's cousin's house L was like, "Those look amazing, honey!" I replied coolly, "Yea, they're called Shut the Fuck Up cakes."

I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and to eventually feed yet-to-be-conceived kids, but I'm sure it will feel pretty damn good to shut people up for awhile.

On Resolutions

2011-12-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

Before I babble on about the new year, I hope all of you enjoyed your holidays! For us, Christmas 2011 was a time to be with family, eat, and relax.

***

L and I decided to go on a walk just the two of us the day after Christmas. We don't exercise together anymore after L joined a gym, and I have been working out on my own. While working out separately was a great decision for both of us, I still miss that alone time we used to carve out for ourselves.

We walked and talked for awhile, and somehow the topic of New Year's resolutions was brought up. Both of us are not really into making resolutions. We've had a few fleeting "I'm gonna lose ten pounds" declarations throughout the years, but they usually fly out the window by February.

I enjoyed our discussion, and believe that we came out of it with a new set of goals in mind. We've both been very goal-oriented lately, and I think it has done wonders to help us in planning for our future, both immediate and long term.

After sharing our goals and dreams for 2012, we made a pit stop near the ocean to take in the views. It left me feeling good about what is in store for the new year.

Do you make resolutions every year? Do you have a list of goals for 2012?

On Perspective

2011-12-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to keep up with #WEVerb11, but, truth be told, I never intended on answering every prompt. To me, the point is to find a way to reflect on the past twelve months, and to find nuggets of truth and meaning that are important to YOU. This post is kind of an all-encompassing #WEVerb11 response.

It has taken me this entire month, but I finally had a light bulb moment about 2011. I have been digging deep trying to find the purpose as to why L and I have run into so many obstacles, why I don't have many good things to say about this year, why I just want this year to end, etc. The conclusion is that there is no concrete answer to any of it. Twelve months have passed, and this is what we have to show for it.

Then it dawned on me: perspective. I need to do a better job of putting it all in perspective. We are fortunate to have health insurance, and that it covered my surgery and various health-related hiccups we have faced in 2011. Insurance does not cover fertility treatments making us even more fortunate to have the opportunity to pursue them. We have a roof over our heads, clothing on our backs, nutritious food and clean water at our disposal. We have been given the chance to pursue our dreams. We are blessed. I am not trying to devalue my pain and suffering, or anyone else's for that matter. It is all relative. However, it has really helped me to change my perspective a little and remember to stay grateful.

With that said, my mom sent me this article called "16 Ways to Make an Incredible Impact with Less than $15" from Oprah.com awhile back. I bookmark'ed it for future reference. You don't have to have a lot of money or time in order to impact the lives of others.

I'm dedicating this post to being grateful and giving back.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

And I Finally Cried.

2011-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

I looked back at my posts lately, and realized that I don't have much to show for my writing (or my life for that matter) other than blubbering on about trying to conceive. It has become somewhat of an obsession; an obsession that I would like to make peace with for awhile. While trying to conceive has been a constant in our lives for a long time - living, thinking, and breathing infertility has reached epic proportions lately. In short, I need to cool it.

The clincher occurred late last week when we were told our latest IUI was postponed. Our first attempt was cancelled. I never told you about that, because it was horrible, and I am trying to erase it from short term memory. But after this latest road block, I broke. As I sat in my fertility doctor's reception area waiting to pay him $200 for more bad news, I literally wanted to scream. Infertility, you broke me. Congratulations, f*cker.

Nothing has been easy for us; not one step. I could not placate my feelings for another moment. I finally accessed those tears I told you about that went missing during the earlier part of this year. I let the overwhelming sadness in my heart mingle with the disappointment in my mind. Heart and mind had a long, overdue rendezvous, and it wasn't pretty. I told L that he should consider finding another woman in his life, because I wasn't cutting it anymore. Not a personal high point. He held me, and we cried together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but whoa, we still totally love each other. How is that even possible after all the shit we've been through? I cried to my mom about all of the infertile things I could never say to her over the past two years. She listened through the phone, and told me she already knew. Turns out moms feel everything we are going through even when we say nothing. At this point, she doesn't give a shit about grandchildren. She just wants me to be okay. She's told me that before, but I really needed to hear it at that very moment.

I've been quiet and contemplative the past few days. I think I need time to just be, and figure out where I am going from here. I had a different outlook on life before this baby stuff took over. It's difficult to see that outlook slipping into obscurity. I always said I wouldn't be that sad, barren woman. Lately, I am learning that I am that woman, and it's okay. I repeat: it's OKAY. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to feel defeated. I'm emotionally bruised and beaten up, but I'm still me.

The month of December has actually been pretty good for us minus the fertility treatments. I'm looking forward to a new year, and new opportunities. Hope is always there, but we need a fresh start. I was trying to be all cheery earlier this month, but, I just want this year to end. This makes my participation in WEVerb#11 a little tricky, but I still want to try and keep up with some of the prompts!

{Us at Joffrey Ballet's The Nutcracker. Doesn't L look beyond excited for his first ballet?!}

Thank you all for your continued support. I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season whether single, dating, married, divorced, child-free, trying to conceive, infertile, pregnant, or parents! Did I miss anyone? You have been such lights in my life.

Body Image Amidst TTC and Chronic Illness

2011-12-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

In the past few years, my body image has faced a couple of heavy hitters. We have been trying to conceive for an estimated twenty-four cycles (not sure of the exact number) without a positive. I have endometriosis which leaves me fatigued and in pain on select days throughout the month. Now we are on the cusp of starting fertility treatments, and I've read that fertility medications can cause your weight to fluctuate, hair to change, stomach to swell, skin to break out. Holy shit, what else? My uterus might pop up and sing me a lullaby? To say the least, maintaining a positive body image is a constant battle.

I think it is common to have negative feelings toward your body when it has disappointed you in some way, shape or form. It is easy to get discouraged when you are trying month after month to do something that is supposed to just be a natural part of life, and it isn't happening. It has made me feel inadequate. It has made me angry. It has made my anxiety soar.

When I was first diagnosed with severe endometriosis, I was relieved to finally have an answer to my pain and misery. However, I was also upset. Why did I have to have this condition? I felt like writing my body a little note. "Dear body, F*CK YOU!"

I get good sleep. I don't smoke. I'm not overweight. I get adequate exercise. I shower daily. I do yoga.

WHY?

If this is about the time that I didn't work out for weeks at a time or ate all that cheese or made some other bad bodily decision...look, I'm sorry. I repent. I bow down to you.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

I struggle often to be okay with my reality. It doesn't always happen. I've been through a lot of rough patches, and continue to work on eradicating the bad feelings.

Here are some things that have helped...

(a) Consistent exercise (duh). Sweating helps me feel like I'm making a difference. Some days I consider a simple walk outside exercise. I've also found that muscle tone is the key to sexiness which is the key to actually liking how my body looks. Self-esteem booster! Modified push-ups are always a good place to start in the muscle department.

(b) Eating well (duh). This is always easier said than done. See part (c) below.

(c) Giving myself a break. I might not be able to do everything I want to do, but I'm still doing pretty good physically. Bad days are what they are; bad days. I try to remember that they are always followed by good days. One meal of junk and fat can always be followed by a healthy food decision. Give yourself a BREAK.

(d) Trying to remember that (as far as I know) there is still a good possibility that I will one day be pregnant.

(e) Not getting too far ahead of myself. Endometriosis is a chronic, long term condition. It may never go away. Getting too far ahead of myself causes paralyzing fear. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, baby steps, etc. Remembering to live by these mantras has never failed to calm my anxiety.

As women, we battle issues of body image every day for a variety of different reasons. What are your reasons? Have you overcome your issues or are you still dealing with them?

WEVerb #3: Learn

2011-12-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

Learn.
What lesson did you learn in 2011 from "The School of Life" rather than a classroom?

I learned a few things this year. One lesson isn't more important than the other two, so I figured I would share them all.

You are stronger than you ever thought possible.
Always be grateful.
You can't control what others think of you.

2011 was another tough year. I'm not being overly dramatic or negative. It's the truth, and I can't sugarcoat that. Adulthood doesn't come with instructions. Sometimes you are thrown into less than stellar situations, and it is up to you to figure out how to survive. L and I are still waiting to catch our break. It seems to have happened sooner in life for a lot of our friends (not just talking about a baby, by the way). But, we know there are good things to come, so we will keep looking ahead.

Through the combination of a positive attitude and a grateful heart, I have been able to move mountains (or, at least, it feels that way). I am trying my best to be grateful for every moment, and the opportunities I have been afforded thus far in my life. I used to be spoiled. I used to be selfish. I used to take my good fortune for granted. Wow, I was a real gem. The things I considered "problems" seem rather silly now. 2011 was a year for me to continue to visualize and embrace what is important in life.

I'm beginning to love and accept myself more than ever before. A big part of this is due to the realization that you can't control what others think of you. I am learning to let go of the worry, the doubt, and the people pleasing. It's all just crap. What we think of ourselves is what matters. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves, and the choices we make.

And now that I'm beginning to sound like a bad motivational speaker...I'll end this post.

What are some life lessons you learned this year?

PMS City, man.

2011-12-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

The menstrual gods have it out for me this month. I'm two days late. No, I'm not pregnant. I had a run-in with clomid earlier this month, and apparently it can cause your cycles to become abnormally long. If you're lucky, I won't tell you that story.

So now I'm stuck in period limbo, and my PMS is raging like I'm a greasy faced 8th grader with an unpredictable cycle.

Evidence of my PMS:

I had an appointment with my acupuncturist whom I normally love to pieces. He usually says all the right things, and generally makes me feel relaxed and supported. Today, we were chatting it up as usual. I confessed that I was frustrated by the delay in my period, and he explained to me about how clomid can mess with my cycle. I was sort of relieved to hear that, because I was starting to wonder what the deal was. As I started to express my relief in words, he cut me off and said to me, "Just be patient. Why are you getting so worked up? Patience is a virtue."

OH HELL NO.

I felt my face heat up, and my ears get hot. I explained to him in my best Asian "I'm nice" girl manner how I've tried to be very patient. It's been two years. I'm running low on patience. He laughed, then I sorta politely snorted in return. But what I really wanted to do was kick his front teeth in.

I know he meant well, but in that moment, I felt PMS rage. I didn't want to be lectured about being patient about my period, especially from a man. For some reason, that mattered to me.

Also, I need to write a book about the conversations I eavesdrop on while waiting to see my acupuncturist. The walls are thin, and I have nothing better to do. Funny shit. I'm sure somewhere out there, a woman is sitting at home writing in her blog or telling her husband about the hilariously possessed PMS woman at acupuncture in the room next to her.

WEVerb11 #2: Song.

2011-12-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

Listen.
What song did you listen to in 2011 to completely change your mood? Think about ways you can you add more music to your life in 2012.

When I read this prompt, one song instantaneously popped into my head.

And it was...

Raise Your Glass by Pink via YouTube.

So you know what? That's what I'm going with. I have this thing for Pink. Some of her lyrics read like an after school special. But, I just can't help myself. This song makes me want to jump around and dance like there's no tomorrow. It also makes me want to let my hair down, and make some bad decisions. L, take note. ;)

Any song that makes me feel like dancing definitely deserves to be on my preferred playlist this year, into 2012, and beyond.

I love music, and couldn't live without it.

WEVerb11 #1: One Word.

2011-12-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

I am participating in WEVerb11. For more information, go here.

Choose one word.
Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

Process: (n) a systematic series of actions directed to some end.

This year has been twelve months filled to the brim with various processes. Having surgery was a process. Getting an official medical diagnosis was a process. Trying to conceive was a major process (described in every other post on this blog). Visiting fertility doctors' offices was a process. (One thing I learned: Fertility doctors have excellent waiting rooms. Why? Because they make a SHIT TON more money than your average MD. Not really sure why that's relevant or interesting, but whatever.) Getting infertility testing was a process. Filling out paperwork was a process. Actually, I believe I have spent the greater part of this year filling out paper work.

Stepping away from the fertility-related processes, I can also sum up L and I's second year of marriage as a process. We have literally been implementing a systematic series of actions directed to some end; and that end is financial security and freedom. I mentioned a big pile of debt awhile back. I can't get too giddy yet, because that pile is still there and going strong. But, man, we have been working really hard to make that pile disappear. I guess you can say we are finally "growing up" and "taking responsibility"? Adulthood kicked in more than ever this year. That is one process I am so proud of for us.

In terms of next year's word? That's easy. Hope. If I can get through next year without losing sight of hope, I think I will be good to go.

What one word encapsulates 2011 for you? Feel free to comment here, or if you have a blog, consider participating in WEVerb11!

Ready, Set, IUI.

2011-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ok. I made a pact with myself and L that I wouldn't talk about any part of our fertility journey if one or both of us deemed it too personal or too sensitive. Apparently we haven't reached that point yet, because I am going to discuss the next leg of this sober acid trip: IUI.

We will be doing an IUI this next cycle. I'll get some fertility medication to make my normal ovaries into Super Ovaries. When I'm about to ovulate, L will do his thing, and we will try and make a miracle happen amid the romantic backdrop of my doctor's office.

And that's the abridged version of what the remainder of 2011 looks like for us.

The Debbie Downer in me is clawing to get out, and rain on this parade before it has even begun. Why? Scientifically speaking, this procedure will likely end in a negative pregnancy test. IUI doesn't have a great track record when it comes to endometriosis patients. However, we have decided to muster up every little scrap of hope and faith, and give it a try. Why? Because we love to be let down.

I'm kidding! Of course, we are excited and hopeful. We are scared, but always hopeful.

The biggest fear for me is the emotional part of this process. Can I handle the emotional highs and lows? Due to a series of constant let downs, I've built up a pretty thick protective shell. As someone who used to cry over everything, I haven't shed many tears lately. Negative pregnancy tests, the news that endometriosis had blown out my reproductive organs, the news that my tube was blocked, the news that a cyst grew back, bad news after bad news after bad news.

I haven't cried in a doctor's office since my OB-GYN suspected I had endo last year and we scheduled my lap.

It's called self-preservation, I guess?

I am terrified of falling down a rabbit hole of despair. I have a husband, family, friends, and grown-up responsibilities to tend to. I simply can't fall apart.

I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. I have wondered where the waterworks are and why they haven't turned on. I actually need to have a good cry. I know it will happen somewhat unexpectedly. They'll be out of Depends sized maxi pads at the market, and I'll burst into tears. (I really hope that doesn't happen.)

Until I decide to let it all out, Carly the Tin Man has control of the reins. What was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, we are starting fertility treatment.

If you can muster a shred of hope and/or strength for us this month, we would really, really appreciate it. Love you guys.

Giving Thanks: A Look Back

2011-11-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

I went into my blog archives and looked up what we were doing at this time last year. Well, I should re-phrase that. I know what we were doing (attending a funeral for L's uncle), but I wanted to revisit what I had written about what we were doing last year. It was a particularly trying time. I learned more about and became closer to L's family than I ever have in my eight years as their honorary family member.

This year's Thanksgiving came and went in a flash. We had a huge lunch with my family followed by a huge dinner with L's. There was a lot of the usual chaos: children's laughter, the football game on in the background, pots and pans clanking, and loud conversations. Time marches forward, and we all marched together this year, minus one.

Life goes on.

While looking in the archives, I noticed November 2010 was a big month. It marked the month I decided to take charge of my fertility by making an appointment with a new gynecologist. We would go on to have some testing done, and then I had my surgery in March of this year. I can't believe it has almost been a year since I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis.

Wow.

As you all know, we are still on the wild ride of infertility, but I think we have a better handle on things than we did at this time last year. One could argue that you either have children or don't, so how could we be better off now since we are still without children? When it comes to infertility, there are many shades of gray. Last year, we were mostly clueless. I knew something was amiss, but I'm not sure I was ready to admit it to even myself. Currently, we are going toe to toe with the beast of infertility, and those unknowns that plagued us last year are in the past. We still have our good days and our bad days - that never changes - but I think we are in a better place.

When I think about what was going on last year, I'm happy that L's family has healed (although we all really miss L's uncle). I'm relieved that my family is doing pretty well, too. I'm hopeful that next year is a year of new possibilities and opportunities. I'm grateful that we got through 2011 in one piece. I'm looking forward to a lot of fun things in December. The year isn't over yet!

If you have a blog, online journal, or handwritten diary, look back at what you were doing around this time last year. Consider writing about the changes that have occurred in your life. I'd love to read them.

Insanity as it Relates to Infertility

2011-11-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

When do you stop trying?

I was attempting to figure out who said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." Some sources say Albert Einstein, but others say that is incorrect. I decided I didn't want to waste more time trying to figure out who really said it, so fill me in, if you know.

That quote popped into my head while I was thinking about writing this post about infertility, more specifically the grueling process of trying to conceive. If we are going by the above definition, then L and I are most definitely insane. Well, I am probably insane. I think L might still have a few marbles left.

I haven't been very good at recording the actual number of months we have tried to conceive, but it's a lot. A lot of months of sex between days 10-16. A lot of months of furiously checking that toilet paper. A lot of months of ovulation predictor kit sticks. A lot of months of waiting. A lot of months of disappointment. Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm sick of talking about all of it.

My point here is no matter how many days/months/years it has been, I keep hoping for that plus sign or that second pink line.

When do you stop trying?

When you're infertile, the answer is pretty much never. You never stop trying, because despite failed fertility treatments and medication, despite disappointing ultrasounds and bad test results, you are always hoping that that one superstar sperm will find your deserving, fragile egg, and they will join together and make their way down the treacherous terrain of your damaged fallopian tube to settle in your scarred uterus for the next nine months.

That candle of hope continues to burn brightly in my infertile heart. I don't imagine the flame will ever flicker and die off until I truly have no reason to hope anymore. When is that? Menopause? Because even if the fertility treatments don't work, and we are at the end of our medically induced infertile road, I don't think I will ever completely give up on the possibility of a miracle.

Does that make me insane? I seriously don't know!

A Vancouver Getaway: The Highlights

2011-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

A photo montage of our favorite activities, food, & moments in Vancouver!

The flight from LAX to Vancouver is only about two and a half hours.

I finally got to work on finishing The Help on my Nook!

Doesn't the Vancouver "walk" sign person look so much more jolly than here? It's the little things.

Japadog. Japanese fusion hot dogs. They were so good that I didn't even care that the name plays off a racial slur of my peoples. ;) We ate Japadog three separate times. I kid you not. My favorite was the Spicy Cheese Terimayo. Also, attention New York residents - they are opening a location in the East Village this month. I'm jealous!

We spent an afternoon at the Capilano Suspension Bridge. The scenery was beautiful. The air was fresh. I nearly crapped my pants crossing the bridge both times. It's a tourist trap, but hey - we were tourists and didn't mind getting ripped off a bit.

Gee, that's kinda high.

Holding on for dear life. I was freaking out! Apparently suspension bridges aren't the most stable bridges out there?!

The Treetops Adventure.

The coolest and oldest tree I think I have ever seen. 1,300 years old!

I loved how much nature existed in the city. We saw a rainbow near Stanley Park on our way back from the bridge, and couldn't resist taking a few pictures of it. The leaves were changing everywhere we went.

That night we noshed on some excellent small bites at Guu Original Izakaya. Guu took me by surprise, because I haven't been super impressed by the izakayas in LA. However, I couldn't turn down some good chicken karaage, sake, and beer. Guu was guuu'd.

Another afternoon was spent at the Granville Island Public Market. We had some of the best soup we've ever tasted, and drooled over all the fresh produce, local products, and organic living items. We definitely recommend walking around this area.

After the Public Market, we stopped in at the Granville Island Brewing's Taproom, and sampled some yummy local beer. We discovered that their Winter Ale was one of the most delicious beers we have ever tasted, and were promptly disappointed to learn that they don't sell it in the U.S.

Movember, baby!

At some point, we saw this amazing mural while we were trying to find the Canucks Team Store (don't ask) at Rogers Arena.

A trip to the Vancouver Aquarium was on L's to do list. I wish we didn't go on a Saturday when the place was mobbed, but, we managed to see some awesome sea turtles, and the most beautiful beluga whales! Also, the aquarium's location inside Stanley Park (1,000 acres of nature IN the city) was perfect. We walked around the park for awhile after, and soaked in the views.

A visit to the University of British Columbia's Museum of Anthropology was on my to do list. I am waving my nerd flag, and I couldn't be happier. I heart museums, and this one did not disappoint!

We left our big camera at the hotel for a date at Salt Tasting Room. The menu consisted of wine, meat, condiments, cheese, and nothing else. The restaurant is located in an alley (literally), and L and I got lost (naturally). We ended up twenty minutes late for our reservation time, and dashed in while the host was about to give our table away. I was over this night before it even started. But then they brought me a glass of Pinot Noir, and all these plates of food.

And it was the best date we've had in years. Highly, highly recommended if you can find it without getting knifed in a dark alley. Kidding!

After we had successfully eaten our weight in cheese, we decided we needed a late night Canadian snack. So we headed over to Fritz's European Fry House for some poutine! I have heard about poutine for years from L, and I felt compelled to give it a whirl. For those of you who aren't familiar, poutine is french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy. Damnnnn it was gooey goodness. We got some kind of garlic dip, and cajun ketchup on the side. Time to unbutton the skinny jeans...

On our final morning in Vancouver, we shopped for some last minute gifts in Gastown, and made a quick stop at the Gastown Steam Clock. Word of advice: go to Gastown for all the touristy crap like t-shirts that say Vancouver on them.

We bid farewell to a wonderful city, made our way to the airport, and promised to be back some time in the future.

Thank you, Vancouver, for showing us such a good time!

Back to the Daily Grind.

2011-11-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

We are back home now. We left picturesque Vancouver, and are returning to the rhythm of our everyday lives. I love how vacations take you away from it all. I'd miss our normal lives if we were always on the go, but I wouldn't mind maybe four or five solid getaways per year. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I look kinda happy in this picture. I think Vancouver agreed with me.

I am going to put together a post with some of our Vancouver favorites. We really enjoyed the city! Also, I finally got a chance to wear the above Anthro coat I got for Christmas last year. I love it, and wore it every single day.

Where are you planning to go on your next vacation?

Out of the Office.

2011-11-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

L and I are currently on vacation until next week.

We try to get away at least once a year strictly for fun. Two years ago, it was Portland. Last year, it was Sedona.

Can you guess where we are going this year? We are so excited!

Check the image source for the answer.

A Halloween Message from Henry

2011-10-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

I am very upset with my mom this year. I was told I would not have to dress up, but she lied. A few days ago she brought out this banana costume, and made me wear it. She knows I'm self-conscious of my extra long body.

Didn't she realize that being a banana would do nothing more than accentuate my length?! No. All she cared about was using me to get cute pictures.

Well, I showed her. To protest this silly costume, I decided I would look miserable in every single picture she took.

I WIN.

Happy Halloween!

Love,

Henry

Last Friday Night

2011-10-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot. Last Friday night.

Thanks, Katy Perry. You can be annoying, and I'm 30 years old, but I still listen to your songs sometimes.

It has been a long week. I'm channeling Homer Simpson this weekend.

Have a memorable Friday night, kids. You only live once.

Why Not Just Adopt?

2011-10-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

I come across this question a lot. Why not just adopt? It's not a simple question, and for us, there isn't a simple answer.

The way I see it is adoption is not a consolation prize for childless couples. Adoption is a special privilege; a gift. But, not all infertile couples are meant to adopt. Just as not all fertile couples are meant to have children. I wish there weren't such assumptions. There would be a lot less people becoming parents for the wrong reasons. I also wish people put more thought and consideration into the questions they asked, but that's another post for another time.

I have grappled with how to answer the adoption question for awhile. Up until now, I have always said, "We are discussing it," and left it at that. But lately, when asked, "Have you considered adoption?" or "Why not just adopt?" I feel like I am being called out. Should I be submitting adoption applications while we are knee deep in dealing with infertility? Are we bad people for considering fertility treatments before adoption? Are we selfish people for wanting a biological child? Should I tell people we want to adopt, even when we don't really know what we want to do, just to make us look better? These are just some of the questions that swirl around in my head, often times leaving me feeling angry and confused.

Because let's face it - the question of "Why not just adopt?" comes with a certain level of judgment to it. People are indirectly saying, "If I were you, I would adopt! Why wouldn't you?"

It is during these times of self-doubt that I try to remember that I don't owe anyone anything. The honest answer is that adoption may or may not be for us. That is a bridge I cross together with my husband, and not with anyone else but him. We don't know at this point, because we are overwhelmed. We haven't done the research. We haven't talked enough about it. I often think about how amazing it would be to adopt a child, but that's a daydream at this point. I refuse to tell people we would definitely adopt just to paint myself in a better light. That's bullshit.

People can go on for days about what they would do if they were in our situation, but until they actually are in this situation, their "what ifs" don't really mean anything. We have to live with the decisions we make. When it comes to the manner in which we bring children into this family, it doesn't have to make logical sense to the average Joe. It doesn't have to neatly fit into a box stamped with the approval of society. It's much more complex than any adoption application or fertility treatment cycle. It is about what is the best choice for us. And for that, there is no universal right or wrong answer.

Your thoughts on this are welcomed.

I Love Cowl Neck Sweaters

2011-10-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

{I was inspired by this Anthro sweater that I pinned on Pinterest.}

For about $20, I found this non-cashmere version at TJ Maxx. I wore it on a foggy afternoon in Westwood, and it held up pretty well. I paired it with my tightest skinny jeans, because given the super slouchy sweater, I wanted some shape.

Other possible looks:

Pull the long sweater down over your booty and wear with black leggings and tall boots.

Tuck the sweater in, belt it with some wide leg jeans, and wear heels.

Sweater {TJ Maxx}

Jeans {Levi's}

Boots {Zara}

Are cowl necks and/or big slouchy sweaters on your fashion list this season?

Paxil Withdrawals = CUCKOO, Part II

2011-10-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

I'm updating on my withdrawals once again. I feel a duty to share my whole experience. For two and a half weeks, I had strong withdrawal symptoms, and it's not over yet. I need to talk about this bad part in case anyone reading is currently deciding whether to go on anti-depressants as I'm writing this.

This is my withdrawal experience.

I was originally on 10 mg. I was instructed to wean down to 5 mg, and then 0 mg. My doctor estimated I would be completely off my meds in about a week. I was told the process would be quite simple.
The process was not simple. After going down from 10 mg to 5 mg (per doctor's orders) I woke up every morning for almost three weeks with dizziness, a zapping sensation in my head, nausea, stomachaches, and fogginess. I could barely function, and was afraid to drive even short distances for fear I would endanger myself and everyone else on the road. I also felt an increase in anxiety (but no full on panic attacks), hopelessness, and depression (probably due to feeling ill for weeks).
I finally called my doctor's office to get to the bottom of this. I got a response that I wasn't having withdrawals, and it couldn't be the Paxil. Needless to say, I was furious. I marched into her office, torch in hand, ready to burn her ass.
We met. It was actually a case of mixed messages. She apologized, and felt bad I felt so miserable. She stood behind her assertion that it was such a low dose that coming off of it would be fairly easy. I was in the "slim chance" category of people who are very sensitive to medication. Her scientific evidence for this claim was based solely on her personal experiences in prescribing Paxil. In all the years she has prescribed Paxil only one other person has had a bad reaction. I find that very hard to believe, but, what can I really say?
We decided that I needed to wean much slower (duh), like 1 mg at a time. I get to be my own doctor, and decide when I can handle going off more. With my track record, I'll be med-free in 2012. I'm kidding, I think.
I got a prescription for Zofran to help my nausea. I also got a prescription for liquid Paxil. Liquid Paxil allows me to more accurately measure my dosage, rather than try and shave off portions of a tiny pill.

A few days after my appointment, I started to feel better. I feel occasional head zaps, and dizziness, but they don't seem to last too long. My energy levels are improving, and I'm somewhat back to normal. I am now on the last leg of weaning from 5 mg on down. So far, it has been tolerable.

For those of you that shared your experiences with anti-depressants, thank you. Your experiences helped me make sense of what I was going through. If you are considering going on an anti-depressant, I cannot stress more to (a) do your research (b) ask extensively about withdrawals (c) perhaps even devise a plan of how you will eventually come off of your medication and (d) make sure your plan involves weaning SLOWLY. You can always speed it up if you are reacting well.

Obviously, I'm not a doctor, and this is my personal experience. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments or email me. I will try my best to respond in a timely manner.