The Less Than Domestic Goddess

Big Picture (or lack thereof)

2013-05-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

I pulled this from my personal stash of blog posts that isn't supposed to see the light of day. It's all about feelings. All the feelings. I was compelled to share it for anyone else going through fertility treatments/infertility/etc. Dealing with fertility issues can make you kinda crazy. It can also make you think about things that people without fertility issues may never have to worry nor concern themselves over.

And that's okay.

It's okay if your mind goes to places you never thought it would go. It doesn't make you a bad person or a Debbie Downer. It makes you someone who has been dealt a crappy hand and is doing the best they possibly can. Or maybe infertility has made you an eternal optimist and you don't go to the dark corners. I have never met anyone like that, but there's a first time for everything. If I have learned anything over the past number of years, it is that everyone faces challenges differently. And with infertility, the second you think you're doing okay, you've got this infertility thing under control, the shit flies up and hits you smack in the face.

---

I don't see the big picture anymore. I can't see the big picture anymore. My life is a series of small, deliberate steps. I find it almost impossible to imagine my flat, empty stomach as ever being a swollen, pregnant belly. I don't allow myself to think in those terms. I just can't.

Infertility has taken away my ability to envision where I will be in one, two, or ten years. My life is about what is happening right now. Getting through each step in the hopes that something bigger and better is at the end of this road; while simultaneously living with the mind numbing, paralyzing fear that there may be nothing at the end of this road.

It feels like the ocean's waves. Pulling me back and spewing me forward as I crash on the sand, only to be pulled back right before I can fully catch my breath again. I feel out of control, nauseous, scared...wondering if it will ever stop. But, I just keep churning and churning and churning.

I repeat words like "hope" and phrases like "maybe one day" as if they are my religion. Because, really, they are all I have. Our lives hang on "if". IF I get pregnant this cycle, MAYBE ONE DAY we'll finally need that second bedroom. For the past four years, we have selected cars based on whether the backseat can fit a car seat or not. If we purchase this "family friendly" car, maybe one day it will hold our dream come true.

I avoid the deep thoughts, because, if I go there, I fear it could be never-ending. The pain, the what if's, the constant churning. I start to get a headache, and then that familiar lump of anxiety forms in my throat. My chest feels tight, and I can't breathe.

And that's why I don't see the big picture anymore.

Life on Lupron Depot: Weeks Three through Six

2013-05-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

Here are more Lupron updates for anyone that may be following along on this lovely, cracked out adventure.

Previous Lupron Depot Cracked Out Adventure Posts

Life on Lupron Depot: The First Two Weeks
Tough.

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At the four week mark (end of shot #1), I had an appointment with my doctor to determine my Lupron progress, if any. I walked into the office with a whole speech in my head about why I was apprehensive of shot #2. Once my doctor got in the room, I spoke up about my concerns and told him about my sudden nosedive from a fairly normal, stable person to an anxious troll who needed to go hyperventilate in the corner on a regular basis. He told me it was fairly normal to feel this way on Lupron. Huh? He said it so casually like, "Eh, mental breakdown? No biggie." This bothered me because he never mentioned major psychological changes or an increase in anxiety as side effects prior to starting the Lupron. I was told I would have some hot flashes and feel moody. But, I was experiencing a lot more than a few sweaty hormonal moments.

After discussing it further, we came to the conclusion that while Lupron can increase anxiety levels, I was feeling off the charts anxious most likely because I already had an existing anxiety problem. He told me I could go back on Paxil for awhile if it would help. Also, at my request, he gave me the name of a psychologist who specializes in infertility. After we talked, I felt a decent amount of relief that what I was experiencing wasn't too far outside the norm of what Lupron does to you.

Then came time for the ultrasound.

From the looks of it, the Lupron helped in terms of quieting the endo down. Thank goodness! So basically with shot #1, the endo got a little drowsy. However, my doctor wanted the endo to be in full-on napping mode. He could still see some endo activity, so he ordered shot #2.

I had about three seconds to make a decision. I could stay an anxious troll for the next four weeks and put the endo to sleep; or put an end to this Lupron madness, but risk an endo flare that could compromise IVF 2.0. I decided to bend over and take shot #2 like a good girl. (That last sentence just sounds wrong.)

Weeks Three and Four: I wrote this note on my phone, "Week 3, Day 4 - throbbing headache, bad sleep, sluggish, anxious" I think that short note sums up my third week on Lupron. My last Lupron update also speaks to exactly how I felt during this time. I was paralyzed for two weeks. My anxiety made me so exhausted, but my brain wouldn't stop spinning. Between the insomnia and the night sweats, I wasn't getting much sleep. I could barely manage my routine schedule of work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. I lost my appetite (likely due to anxiety) and lost about five to eight pounds. Everything I read said I would gain weight. I am not saying this in a bragging way. I didn't look nor feel healthy. To sum it up, weeks three and four were bad. Very bad.

Weeks Five and Six: Week five was the week following shot #2. Strangely, I felt better during week five. My anxiety went away! Such a relief. My hot flashes and night sweats remained about the same, but as long as my anxiety was under control, I was fine. I also got my appetite back. L and I even went out of town for my birthday weekend. That was huge given that I had spent the last two weekends basically in bed due to exhaustion and mind altering anxiety. Week six ushered in anxiety (again). Shit. I guess my time to feel normal was short lived. The hot flashes and night sweats increased ten fold. I have been waking up at least a few times a night burning up. I have to lay on the floor with my pillow in front of an open bedroom window to get some relief. Week six is on its way out, and I continue to feel exhausted, anxious, and a little crampy.

Medication: I am taking a low dose of klonopin when I need it. This was approved by my doctor.

Additional Notes: I imagine my uterus and ovaries in this epic battle with the Lupron. My body just wants to be active and grow endo all over the place, but the mighty Lupron is swooping in and shutting it all down. Running these images over and over in my head is not only mildly entertaining, but also helps me feel a little better when I want to just break down. I am also grateful that I will not be on Lupron during the summer months. It is already getting pretty warm here in L.A., and I honestly do not think I could handle 90 to 100 degree summer heat with hot flashes.

I have two more weeks with the Lupron Depot treatment, and then we will talk more about IVF 2.0.

32.

2013-05-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

So I got lost in the abyss of a Lupron-induced hallucination, and when I regained consciousness, I realized I was due for another birthday. Damn.

On Monday, I {quietly...shhhh} turned 32.

This video basically explains 32.

For some unknown reason, I was really excited to turn 31. I wasn't a fan of 30, but 31...oh yeah...I was all about 31. I have no idea what my thirty second year has in store for me. I am kinda terrified while simultaneously feeling very excited.

It gets on my nerves when people try to tell others how to age. Whether we age gracefully or we act like blubbering babies at the arrival of yet another birthday, isn't it our right to act however the hell we want? As long as we aren't hurting anyone, who cares? I have found that I often have a wide range of emotions around my birthday. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes sad, sometimes grateful, sometimes depressed. I try not to get too down on myself when I feel anything less than elated about getting older.

We all know society is obsessed with youth and being young. Everything is so youth-driven. So, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that some of us are confused and scared at the thought of getting older and fading from society's focus. For me, it isn't so much about becoming obsolete, but the simple fact that if I am getting older, everyone else around me is getting older, too. It is difficult to think about my parents and my grandparents aging. I was just telling my mom the other day that, in my mind, my grandparents are in their 60's, and she and my dad are in their 40's. I think of my little brothers as just kids. I know we are all getting older (I'm not delusional) but I kinda wish I could freeze time and keep all my loved ones healthy, vibrant, and happy. An impossible task.

There is so much beauty that comes with aging. I know that much. I am grateful for every single year even if some are harder to appreciate than others. Life is absolutely what we make of it.

In other news, I got a packet in the mail about my ten year college reunion. As much as I loved my college years, I am not ready for that. I may never be ready for that.

This is 32, friends.

{Photos taken on a recent trip in honor of said birthday.}

Tough.

2013-04-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a long, difficult week.

Personal updates...The Lupron Depot has kicked in full strength. It was semi-amusing to spend two full weeks wondering what a hot flash was. Well, now I know. But, the most debilitating part of this journey thus far has been the anxiety. My anxiety is worse than it has been in over a year. It is tough for me to get through most days without feeling like I am on the verge of falling apart. I am trying to avoid anxiety medication right now, so I am turning to natural remedies as much as possible. Meditation seems to be helping a bit. I am eating as well as I can, trying to drink more water, and exercising whenever possible. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever. I am relying on faith to get me through the rough times. I have an appointment on Monday to find out if the Lupron is working at all. I am finding it tough to believe that the anxiety I am experiencing is normal. We'll see what the doctor says. If anyone can spare any positive thoughts, I would so welcome them right now.

Boston Montage via Wikipedia

In other news, I wanted to acknowledge the events that occurred in Boston. I know it has been awhile, but I haven't blogged since it all happened. My connection to Boston, while it probably seems trivial to some, is important to me. I went to undergrad in Western Massachusetts, and my friends and I were in Boston every chance we got. I love Boston. I miss it. I see it in my dreams. L and I have even talked about moving there (a far off dream). I am keeping the people of Boston and the victims of this senseless, disgusting attack close to my heart. The stories of bravery, strength, and compassion that have come to light remind me of why I will always love this city that took really good care of a young, aimless LA girl who was thousands of miles away from home. I am forever grateful for that.

Wishing you all a safe, healthy and happy weekend. Be good to yourselves.

Life on Lupron Depot: The First Two Weeks

2013-04-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Lupron Depot is an intramuscular shot. Depending on the dosage, you can take the shot once a month or once every three months for a total of six months. When taken for endometriosis, it supposedly "suppresses the signals from the pituitary gland in the brain to the ovaries that stimulate estrogen production." (http://www.endofacts.com/how-lupron-depot-works.aspx) Basically, it shuts everything down and, as a result, you get menopause-like symptoms.

It has been about two weeks since I had my first monthly Lupron Depot injection. I was SO nervous about it! Everything you read about Lupron Depot (I'm just going to call it "Lupron" throughout the rest of this post) online is horrible. I have a well documented "issue" of googling symptoms, so you can imagine my anxiety over getting this shot. But I did it, and now here I sit, with a full-on mustache. No, totally kidding. No mustache...yet.

Here is my experience thus far:

Injection: The shot itself was not painful. I felt a little woozy for a few minutes after the injection, but it passed pretty quickly. The evening of the shot my left butt cheek was sore, but not unbearable.
Week One: I experienced an increase in my endometriosis pain which felt like mild, persistent cramps all across my lower abdominal region. I also had some shooting pains near my ovaries. The pain was not debilitating and I was able to get on with my normal daily routine. I started having some problems going to sleep. Lastly, I generally did not feel wonderful and I had an increase in anxiety. But again, it was tolerable.
Week Two: I started noticing some changes in mood. I was quick to get angry or exasperated throughout the day. My self-control was still there though. No temper tantrums. My moderate anxiety continued, but I was also going through some transitions in other parts of my life, so maybe the anxiety stemmed from that? I continued to have sleep problems. I know this is the Lupron at work, because I normally do not have trouble going to sleep or sleeping through the night. The only time I have sleep disturbances are when I have really high anxiety.
Birth Control Pills with Lupron: I was actually finishing up a packet of birth control pills which coincided with my Lupron injection, so my doctor wanted me to finish the pills. This may be why the more severe side effects did not hit yet.
Bleeding on Lupron: At the end of the second week, my pills ran out, and I got a period. Wonderful. My doctor said to expect a "small" period, whatever that means. My periods are never small, and I was hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones who didn't bleed while on Lupron. I looked it up, and apparently a lot of women do get a period, and then eventually the bleeding tapers off as they continue treatments. My first period while on Lupron was average. Not heavier, not lighter. With lots of cramps and popping Advil like candy.
Start of Week Three: I am now in my third week. I am still bleeding a little bit, and I think I got my first hint of a hot flash. I was sitting at the dining table having a conversation with my mom, and I felt a wave of heat and a little bit of panic come over me. It passed pretty quickly, but it wasn't a great feeling. I have a feeling that hot flashes will be making themselves known during weeks three and four. Moderate anxiety is still there. Sleep is getting a tiny bit better. I also don't feel as crampy now that my period is practically over.

Overall, I feel like the full extent of Lupron has not hit me yet. I think it is a bit premature to have much of an opinion about it given that I was still taking birth control pills into the second week. However, I want to put my entire experience from beginning to end out there. Reading other blogs has been an invaluable resource for me since starting this treatment. I don't feel so alone when I read the words of other women who have taken Lupron before me. Whether their experiences were positive or negative, helpful or not, they still lend a voice to a journey which can be scary and intimidating.

Quieting the Noise: Baby/Pregnancy Crazy Gossip Rags

2013-04-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

jezebel

In keeping with my 2013 theme of self-care, I wanted to talk about another way I have simplified my life and quieted the noise. Gossip rags used to be my guilty pleasure. I am from L.A. so that makes sense. Every morning I would check in with People, Us Weekly, TMZ, and Perez Hilton. Man, I used to read Perez religiously. Do people still read Perez after he got super skinny and...nice? I also used to read People Magazine's Moms and Babies Blog because I apparently enjoyed self-torture.

Anyway, a few months back, I was in another one of my purging moods and I decided to nix my daily fix of gossip reading. I banned myself from checking any of the above websites. I also unfollowed the tabloids via Twitter and all forms of social media. I did this under the premise that I needed to cleanse myself of fake news and instead replace it with a little insight into what has been going on in...I don't know...the real world. Huh? World news?

Well, at least, that is what I told myself at the time. I think my real motive was more along the lines of distancing myself from the baby mania that is tearing through the celebrity world right now. If you haven't noticed, the celebrity world is baby and pregnancy CRAZY. Every time I visited a tabloid website, I was greeted with, yet, another pregnancy announcement or a picture of some celebrity's growing baby bump (more like twenty five pictures of growing baby bumps from all different angles). I am not talking about "important" celebrities either. Apparently you don't have to be a star these days to get your pregnancy announced. You can be the girlfriend of J. Lo's back up dancer's understudy.

This shit is out of control.

So yeah, while this post may paint me as a bitter infertile who hates baby bumps (I really don't) I would like to hope it also paints me as someone who understandably has no room for this in my life at the moment. Like anyone, I have my bad days and may not be in the mood to let it all run off my back so easily. On ugly days, I would put myself through this stupid, toxic thought process of, "OMG, she is pregnant. But, she does drugs/drinks/is named Snooki. How could she possibly be pregnant?" While celebrity babies are certainly not the be all, end all of infertile breaking points for me, I could do without knowing about Kim Kardashian's questionable maternity fashion decisions with my morning coffee.*

And so far this experiment has worked! I put some distance between myself and the tabloids, and I really don't miss all of that fluff at all nor do I have many of my toxic thought pattern moments. I am not fanatical about it. Sometimes you just need some form of guilty pleasure in your life. I totally get that. But lately, due to the aforementioned celebrity baby craze, it just wasn't working for me, and I decided to do something about it. Perhaps one day I will return to my celebrity gossip rag days, but for now, you can find me on cnn.com trying to get smarter and shit.

*While I don't tune into the tabloids anymore, I do read yahoo.com and they alerted me to this phenomenon.

Post-IVF Health and Endometriosis

2013-03-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

I finished this just in time for the conclusion of Endometriosis Awareness Month (March)! This post is based solely on my personal experiences. You should talk to your doctor first about medications, supplements, and endometriosis treatment plans.

After IVF1 in July 2012, I was a depressed mess. My belly was swollen and looking very odd (read: squishy) after all the fertility drugs. I felt sluggish and was having frequent stomachaches. I am also convinced that my endometriosis worsened due to all the estrogen I pumped into my body. Despite my hot mess status, I found myself wishing we could jump right back into pursuing more treatment. I knew that wouldn't happen, mostly because of my mental status and finances, but I was so desperate to get that positive pregnancy test. When you are going through fertility treatments and receiving negative results, you tend to get a tad obsessive about "next steps". It feels like if you don't have a plan B, C, and D, you will fall off the edge of the Earth. Or at least that's how it felt for me.

So when our fertility doctor suggested I go on birth control indefinitely, I was crushed. I wanted to have the chance to try naturally after IVF. It made me really sad and anxious to think we would just be "wasting time" with me on the pill. However, I listened to my doctor and I had a moment of clarity. It was highly unlikely that we would get pregnant naturally. We had tried that method before, and unfortunately I am likely not in that special group of endo women that can achieve a natural pregnancy. I had to let go of that mindset for the time being. It doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Miracles happen every day (as we know), but for now, I had to give my poor body a break and re-group.

The Birth Control Pill & Lupron Depot

Being on the pill for the past eight months has been an overall positive experience. I know the pill is basically only a temporary (if any) fix for endometriosis. However, after IVF, it seems to have been helpful for me. No nightmare periods. Minimal hormonal mood swings. Minimal endometriosis pain. My body needed this after all the IVF drugs. The best benefit of all? My endometrioma cysts are smaller. It has taken almost a year, but they are shrinking. Part of me hates to put that in writing for fear that they will hear me and start growing again, but there it is. I had an ultrasound last week, and it seems they are smaller. I believe this is due to the pill, and also my commitment to a healthier diet.

On the insistence of my doctor, this Friday I start Lupron Depot for a month maybe two. This freaks me out to no end, but I am following the advice of my doctor. I am going to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. More on Lupron to come...

Diet

There is so much literature out there these days that talks about how diet helps your fertility and can reduce your endometriosis. I have spent hours reading about it. What has been frustrating is the fact that a lot of the articles and websites aren't based on much (if any) scientific evidence. Or if they are, they are based on one random study done in a foreign country and you have no idea how they got the results they did. Then there are the fertility-related forums and chat boards that mean well, but are basically sharing old wives' tale type advice. "I ate 15 oranges a day during my IVF cycle, and now I'm 5 months pregnant!" The next day I'm at the grocery store stock piling oranges. But then the day after that I read some Chinese medicine article that tells me to avoid oranges like the plague. It is VERY confusing.

For women with endometriosis, it gets even trickier. Endometriosis comes with its own set of dietary restrictions and special considerations. However, nothing is really a sure thing. Here is what I am doing to work on my diet. I started with the Body Ecology Diet. I bought the book on my Nook and read through it rather quickly. I found a lot of helpful tips, and learned about how essential it is to have a healthy digestive tract. The diet is very strict and involves a heavy level of commitment. So far, I have not been able to commit to all of its tenets, however, I have found that loosely following the diet has been helpful. L has been participating in all this dietary experiment. Naturally, he has lost fifteen pounds. I have lost none. I don't really care, because I am not in it to lose weight. I'm thrilled for him though!

I have dozens of links about lifestyle changes for endometriosis bookmarked on my laptop, but the one that is the most clear and basic is this link on endometriosis from the University of Maryland Medical Center's Complementary Medicine department. The information is concise and the "Nutrition and Supplements" section is packed with a wealth of knowledge. So far, I am taking prenatal vitamins religiously, trying to up my Vitamin C in the form of Emergen-C as often as I remember, and I decided to try out an antioxidant, natural plant extract called pycnogenol. Again, even with some scientific evidence, there still isn't a clear link between taking the supplement and suppressing endometriosis. But, I liked what I read, and decided to give it a try. I have been taking it for about two months. My fertility doctor recommended CoQ10. I tried it, and for some reason, it upset my stomach. However, now that IVF2 is in sight, I may just take one for the team and try it again. I have also been reading about evening primrose oil, turmeric, and chasteberry. There comes a point where you need to draw the line with supplements. It can get pricey, and again, I'll harp on the lack of scientific evidence to support their claims of effectiveness. I am currently attempting to figure out how many pills I really want/need to take each day.

Pinterest has been wonderful for finding recipes and food experimentation. My "Food" board on Pinterest is a mix of healthy and some not so healthy recipes. However, we have tried out most of the healthy recipes and miraculously haven't hated any of them! Check out my Food board here. Please let me know if you have any questions. I would love to write a post about how we have finally found a way to cook in our house. We'll see if I ever get around to it. :)

Environmental Toxins

I have tried to be pretty vigilant about avoiding products made with BPA. I used to drink SO much bottled water. Even when all of the BPA studies came out on baby bottles and plastic water bottles, I continued to drink from them, because it was convenient at the time. It may not make a huge difference, but I finally kicked the bottled water to the curb. I bought myself a Klean Kanteen, and I have never looked back.

I used to wear tampons from time to time. I have stopped that. Tampons are terrible for my endometriosis pain. I read up on the use of chlorine in feminine hygiene products. That kinda freaked me out, because as an endo girl, I use maxi pads like they are going out of style. I looked into reusable cloth pads (yes, they exist.) I decided I didn't want to go that extreme, so I settled on these Chlorine Free Ultra Thin pads from Seventh Generation. I love them. I buy them at Whole Foods, and they are a little pricier than my old Stayfree with Wings pads, but I feel the extra money is worth it. I don't like the idea of all those chemicals chillin' with my vagina. Actually, looking into what your feminine hygiene products are made of is probably something all women should look into, not just those of us with endometriosis.

Meditation

On most days, I try to devote a little time (30 minutes or less. Usually less.) to meditation. I did four months of intensive acupuncture (one hour long appointments two to three times per week) and didn't really feel like it helped me. I want to put that out there, because almost everything I read about increasing your fertility advocates for acupuncture. It may not be for everyone. It also may not be the magic pregnancy solution. My evidence for this claim: I did not get pregnant. Also, my endometriosis actually got worse following my treatments. I developed that humongous endometrioma and had to be rushed to the ER. Maybe it was a coincidence? I don't know. My acupuncturist was also extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. Since moving on from acupuncture, I have found that meditation has been of great benefit. My anxiety has been somewhat controllable, and my energy levels are improving. I have tried to be as consistent as possible, however, some days, I just forget to do it. I do my best to forgive myself, and look forward to another day. I have found some great meditation music on YouTube, and haven't spent a dime on my meditation efforts. Just yesterday I started Oprah and Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I am really excited for this opportunity, and hope to write another post about it when I finish the program.

Mental Break

As I mentioned above, I didn't think I needed a break after IVF. This is because I was delusional. I have needed these past eight months very badly. I took a mental break from infertility. I set goals. I worked hard. I gave myself time to heal. I made peace with the fact that my whole "motherhood by age 30" idea was not going to happen. I had to let that go. I accepted the fact that if I ever get to be someone's mom (whether at 30, 40, or 50) I would be so incredibly lucky. It is hard to rationalize a broken heart and let go of lost dreams, but I think I have done the best I possibly can. I try to connect daily with my gratitude for even having the chance to pursue another round of IVF. As much as it scares me to have to go through this intense process again, to me, it is worth every penny, and (quite literally) my blood, sweat, and tears. Having this down time was such an essential part of coming to these realizations and making peace with them.

Anyone else want to share tips, experiences, comments? Feel free!

Here We Go Again.

2013-03-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

focus

At some point (I don't know exactly when but soon) we will be re-embarking on our (in)fertility journey. It's been almost a year, and we are more or less ready. The physical, emotional, and financial scars have healed as much as they are going to heal. It is simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying, as these things always seem to be. I have done a lot of soul searching, thinking, wishing, meditating, dreaming and praying about this decision. It still feels right for us to pursue treatment (IVF). The day that it doesn't feel right is the day we stop and examine our other options. But, for now, this is where we are at.

I blogged about IVF #1 after it was over. This time around, I am thinking about keeping a private blog for myself, and starting a new Twitter account where I can talk about all things IVF and infertility related. Sometimes I will pull posts from the private blog and post them on this blog. I think this is a good compromise, because, as I have talked about before, I prefer that this blog not be solely about infertility.

In terms of Twitter, I really miss Twitter and the wonderful community I became a part of a couple of years ago. It's been awhile since I was truly active via my normal account. I still pop on every now and then and read my timeline, but I started pulling away before we started our first cycle of IVF. I can't remember exactly why I stopped tweeting. I think it was a combination of feeling overwhelmed by my own life's circumstances, and also feeling like I had a lot of Debbie Downer shit to say. So I kinda just slithered away.

For these reasons, I have decided to start a new Twitter handle where I plan on blabbing as much as I want about everything infertility-related and IVF-related. If you would like to follow along, my handle is @LifeandIVF. Again, this will be an account devoted to infertility and this new journey with (hopefully) some every day life stuff thrown in, too. I am definitely keeping my other handle. Even though it's "on hiatus" indefinitely, I would love to get back to tweeting on that account at some point. I am just not sure when.

Thank you to the readers and friends who have stuck around over the years. I have learned so much from all of you, and I am forever grateful.

Here we go again.

Taking Pictures.

2013-03-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have hundreds (maybe thousands) of iPhone photos of my dogs. Dogs sleeping, playing, rolling, yawning, blinking, breathing. Yes, my dogs are my fur children, and, while it can be excessive at times, I do not apologize for it.

This week I vowed to take more pictures of my life, our lives, little moments.

Reminding myself to take a few pictures here and there made me realize how lazy I have become. L and I used to pose in front of every camera pointed in our direction within a five mile radius. So we have like eight million pictures of us from 2005. But it seems that after ten years of couple-ness we have lost our photo mojo.

This was fun, and I hope to make more of an effort in the future!

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Facing Fears: The Dentist Edition

2013-03-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I never loved the dentist. I have a sensitive gag reflex (insert inappropriate joke here). I also hate the sound and smell of those drills. I have had to deal with judgmental, condescending dentists and hygienists in the past, and I think that compounded my discomfort with dental work. But despite all of these negative associations, I have had extensive oral surgery (I had way too many teeth for my little mouth), full braces (with those horrid rubber band things), numerous x-rays, a root canal, and numerous fillings performed. All without any real problems beyond a general distaste for being in the dentist chair. All of this work was done more than ten years ago.

However, since having extreme anxiety and being prone to panic attacks, my fear of the dentist turned into this epic battle of Carly versus dental drills all over the world. It started innocently enough. Awhile back, I realized I really needed to schedule a cleaning. When was my last cleaning? After some quick research, I discovered I had not actually had my teeth cleaned since I was in college. Maybe 2001 or 2002? YIKES. I had been back to the dentist to get a few fillings taken care of over the years, but I hadn't actually had a cleaning in almost TEN years?!? There was always an excuse. No dental insurance. I moved and didn't have a local dentist. I was too busy. Blah blah blah.

Once I discovered I hadn't had an actual cleaning in almost ten years, I panicked. There was no way I could face the dentist due to my newly acquired "problem" of having panic attacks. I was going to die in that chair. No wait, first I would gag, then I would die. I started googling local dentists who specialized in putting their patients under for cleanings. I wanted to be knocked out for a 40 minute cleaning. We aren't even talking about fillings or root canals at this point. Just a fucking cleaning. Okay, so I had a problem...and it was all in my head.

Here is how I worked on solving my problem. A few months back, I decided I couldn't go back to the dentist without some sort of anxiety medication. I called my regular doctor, scheduled a check-up with her, and she hesitantly gave me a prescription for klonopin. I say "hesitantly" because she really didn't want me on pills. I was finally off Paxil (woohoo!), and doing well, so she really didn't want me to feel like I needed to rely on more pills. Fair enough. But, at that point, I didn't really give a shit, and just wanted her to give me the good stuff.

So I left my doctor's office feeling somewhat relieved. Having those pills in my hand gave me the strength to schedule an appointment for a cleaning. When the time came for the appointment, I had already considered cancelling it a half dozen times. But I tried to be strong, and I decided I would take half a klonopin before the appointment and see how I felt. The klonopin worked pretty well, and I managed to get through the cleaning with only minor feelings of anxiety. AMAZING. Also, my new dentist was SO nice and knew I was feeling scared. He reassured me and made me feel much more at ease. He was very matter of fact, and told me I had cavities, but didn't harp on it.

At the end of my cleaning, I felt pretty proud of myself, except for the fact I had a few (5) cavities, and the klonopin made me kinda woozy. I was nauseous the day after, which wasn't fun. However, I survived.

Yesterday was my first appointment to get half the fillings done. I felt a little stronger and braver than I had before my first cleaning in ten years, so I decided to try sitting in the chair without the klonopin. I'm not sure if it was a mistake, but my heart was beating so fast, and I was a hot mess. I maintained my composure, but my insides were twisting and turning. I had forgotten about all the drilling and intimidating dental equipment involved in filling a cavity. Why I was so afraid of a cleaning when it was cake compared to a filling? I have no idea. I managed to breathe my way through the rest of the appointment, and left feeling numb and sore, but still pretty good. I have one more appointment left to fill the cavities on the other side of my mouth, and I haven't yet decided if I will go back to the klonopin or not. I absolutely don't feel like taking the medication makes me a weakling or any less strong mentally. My issue is that I don't want to feel nauseous the next day. Hahahaha!

I don't know if I will always feel this anxious for dental appointments. I really hope not. I have spent a lot of time getting down on myself thinking "This is ridiculous. Five years ago I could walk into a dental office. No sweat. What is wrong with me?" Truthfully, I don't really know why my mind works differently now. I don't know why I over-think everything. I am working on trying to figure it all out. But, in the meantime, I am celebrating all my victories (no matter how small) and taking pride in the fact that I am facing my fears.

Any other dental-phobes out there? Don't feel like you have to share if you don't want to. It was pretty damn hard for me to admit that I haven't had a cleaning in ten years. I mean, ummm, gross. But, yeah, that's my story.

When to Give it a Rest...

2013-03-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

I was pondering this thought last night as I soaked in the bath reading Prevention Magazine. I love Prevention Magazine, but sometimes it reads like "5,000 ways to make over your life while simultaneously driving yourself completely insane." Eat strawberries this way, but never eat them that way. 120 ways to do squats. 531 ways to tie a ponytail. AHHHHHHHHH.

One of my New Year's resolutions/vows to myself/long term goals is to simplify my life. A couple of posts back I talked about the concept of self-care. I want to talk about this more right now and also in future posts. I am finding that while I think it is important to continually work on self-improvement, it is equally important to know when to give it a rest; and how to find that balance. Often times, my mind is like a hamster wheel spinning round and round. I have a spare five minutes; how can I fill it? Find my purpose. Find my calling. Am I happy? How's my marriage? Do I have enough friends? Am I getting enough sleep? Why don't I volunteer more? What did I eat today? Should I be working out more? Am I smart enough? Am I strong enough? Am I nice enough? Or maybe I'm too nice? The list goes on and on. Basically, a lot of first world problems! Hahaha!

I can't help but wonder if this frame of mind is some sort of over-compensation for the lack of control I have in other areas of my life. But I feel like I am surrounded by voices telling me in some way, shape, or form that I'm not good enough. All of this talk about what more we could be doing with our lives tends to take the focus off of how far we have already come, and also takes away our power as individuals to decide for ourselves what is "best" for us. We don't even have to think about what we want, because everyone and everything around us is telling us what we should want. Instead of celebrating how worthy and fabulous we are as people/women/spouses/friends/etc. we keep filling our heads each day with these voices of inadequacy. I feel like part of simplifying my life involves quieting this noise. Bringing it down a couple of notches, if you will. I recently unsubscribed from a really popular "mommy blog" because the insistence on perfection was just too much. I found myself rolling my eyes more than I was actually feeling happy for this woman and what she contributes to the world, and my life, for that matter. Unsubscribe. One less voice in the sea.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing? I don't know. I often find myself battling with issues of identity as well as this notion of "being an adult" and what I "should" be doing at any given moment of the day. But every now and then, I need to remind myself that I am generally doing okay as I am. Sit down. Relax. Quiet the voices of inadequacy. I'll be fine if I didn't eat twelve pounds of quinoa today. Breathe.

Santa Barbara and Old Navy Rockstar Skinny Jeans

2013-02-28T09:15:00.000-08:00

Recently, L and I traveled to Santa Barbara (about 1.5 hours outside of LA) to visit my baby brother. We have been there more times than we can count, but this particular trip made us grateful for the slower pace and beautiful sights that make SB such a special place. And, as always, it was so good to see my brother.

I decided to test out my newest pair of jeans, the Old Navy Rockstar Super Skinny Jeans, on our little road trip. I am really late to the Old Navy denim fan club, but so far, I'm sold. They are flattering, comfortable, and versatile. I am on a fairly strict budget when it comes to buying clothes these days, and these jeans are about as affordable as you can get (other than my $9.50 Forever 21 "something resembling denim blend" skinnies that feel like sandpaper and pretty much cannot be washed due to fear of disintegration).

I bought the Baby Blue wash (pictured below) and the Dark Wash. The Dark Wash is like the twin of my old time favorite Gap 1969 legging jeans which cost $69.95.

Some thoughts if you are interested in the Old Navy Rockstar Skinnies...

You know how amazing you feel when you go into an Old Navy dressing room, and you fit into a size smaller than you imagined you would? Vanity sizing RULES!! Except in this one instance, Old Navy pulled the rug out from under our vanity sized butts. The Rockstar Skinnies are TEENY WEENY. Size up one to two sizes. I had to size up two sizes in the Baby Blue wash and one size in the dark wash. So, yeah, it's probably not a good idea to buy these online without trying on. If you have a store nearby, try them on first.

I speak from experience here. I attempted to squeeze myself ever so carefully into my normal size. Then I went on to buy them even though they made me look like a sausage with the hopes that they would "stretch". Ummm, no. I ended up returning them the following week when I realized that while wearing said pants there was no hope of me ever sitting down again. Seriously. If you don't believe me, read the thousands of online reviews. I really should have done that before I went shopping.

Anyway, here I am posing with a huge beer, because a 1.5 hour drive from home constitutes a vacation, right?

And here is a shot from our ride home. It was a beautiful day!

Anyone else a fan of the Old Navy Rockstar Skinnies?

2013 so far

2013-02-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

So it's nearly March. WOW. I am taking my first official sick day in months, so I find myself with a little window of time to write even if it's while laying in bed feeling crappy.

At the beginning of the year, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years, and what I have learned. I think it is helping me figure out where I have been, and where I want to go from here. Here is a short list of some of the more important reflections.

I have learned a great deal about humility. For most of my life I have felt bad/sad/inadequate that I am not the type of person who is like, "Hey world, look at me!!" But, to me, being humble feels genuine, like I am being true to myself. By nature I am humble, and I like that about myself.
I like feeling grounded to people and places. I used to feel claustrophobic and trapped if I wasn't moving around and changing the scenery all the time. Now I feel a sense of comfort in the familiar.
I enjoy thinking about the good in my life.
Patience and finding a good balance between being optimistic and realistic have helped me tremendously.
Most people don't have it all figured out, and that's okay. Fake it to make it, right? (Which is something I am particularly loving about Girls, Season Two. It is delving so much deeper into how funny, yet confusing and heartbreaking life can often be. That phone call between Hannah and Marnie in last week's episode? So real.)
I have learned how important it is to simplify my life, and how that task is so, so, so much easier said than done.

I have been working on self-care above everything lately. I am meditating. I am being mindful of my health (besides that McDonald's I made L pick up last night, because when you're feeling lousy things like spinach and tofu sound vile). I am trying to cut out a lot of the noise from the outside world, and just concentrate on what I need to nourish my mind and body. I have realized that self-care involves a level of selfishness that has always made me uncomfortable. It's such a basic concept. We have to take care of ourselves before we try to help anyone else. I seem to have skipped over that life lesson time and time again. I always felt like there was something else I could be doing with my time rather than focusing on myself. Even with the whole journey to motherhood roller coaster I have been on over the past four years, I rarely, if ever, stopped to think about what role I was/am playing in that process. On many occasions, I have felt like I was looking down on my life like an observer. What I saw was a generally unhappy woman who could only think of herself in terms of "baby" "pregnancy" "husband" "family". My life was so black and white; divided by a distinct line. Pregnant = happy. Not pregnant = not happy. Admittedly, it is difficult to not fall into that trap when you are so desperate to make something happen, and it just isn't happening. But, the show must go on. I continue to have faith that there is a plan for us. We don't understand it right now, but maybe one day we will?

I still grapple with all of this, but I have found that going back to the basic idea of self-care has really helped me. Having goals and working actively to achieve those goals has helped, too. Staying busy is another big part of this equation. I know it isn't possible to be happy all day every day, but there have been a lot of good days. I thank the man or woman upstairs for those good days, and continue to push forward.

So long, 2012.

2012-12-31T10:27:00.002-08:00

2012 has been a good year.

As I told my mom the other day, "This is the first time in a long time that I haven't wanted the year to end!" Hmmm, I am not sure if that is hopeful or depressing. Hahaha! But seriously, as I look back at the past twelve months, I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. 2012 has been a time of major discovery, independence, and strengthening of the relationships in my life; namely my marriage. L and I finally settled into what I always envisioned "marriage" and "family" to be. It took us almost four years, and a lot of false starts. We still don't have any little kiddos to show for it, but something somewhere clicked between us and it's like we reached another level. We worked on healing our broken infertile hearts, and realized we wanted to be better people for ourselves and for each other. I hope that never ever changes. It brings me some comfort in a world that can often be...well...disappointing.

I have been silent on the blog for months. I still lurk around from time to time, and I have a handful of draft posts that never came to pass. I am not sure why I suddenly decided to stop writing. I even surprised myself with that one, but I really hope I take the opportunity in 2013 to organize my thoughts again. This blog still holds a special place within me, and I have missed being away from it and away from you (the one or two people that still follow this blog. Mom, is that you?)

I wish you all an amazing end to 2012...and peace, love, and good times in the year ahead.

Wardrobe Obsessions

2012-10-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wardrobe obsessions. You have twenty white t-shirts, but you are always looking for another? I think it is safe to say you might be obsessed with white tees. I have no idea why, but I was thinking about this during a particularly bored moment the other day.

Here is what I am constantly on the prowl for (despite already having way too many of each in my closet)...

v-neck tees - the depth of the "v" and sleeve lengths are very important here. Also, I can never resist a good pocket.

Madewell V-neck Pocket Tee

the perfect white blouse - I have ten different white blouses, maybe more. I just can't stop.

via My Pinterest & here

brown boots - Not black, brown. Don't ask. I have all different lengths and shades. I just recently added a pair of cowboy inspired ones to the mix (the ones pictured below from Nordstrom). Unfortunately, I haven't even been able to take them on a test run given that it's been 95 degrees in L.A. for like four months straight.

Lucky Brand 'Ellena' Boot

yoga capri pants - Obsessed. The only pants I work out in, run errands in, sit on my ass in front of the TV and eat snacks in...well, you get the idea. I love the selection at Old Navy! They are often on sale, you really can't beat their prices.

Old Navy Women's Active Control Max Capris

big purses/bags - I love them. I am not really a clutch type of girl. If I had a lot more play money, I would have a lot more over-sized (expensive) bags.

Chloé 'Marcie Large' Leather Shoulder Bag

When I am not off buying the same pants over and over again, I enjoy stalking striped shirts, chambray shirts, boyfriend jeans, colored jeans, and lace vintage-looking dresses. However, I very rarely buy any of them. They are always on my radar, but my closet isn't filled with these items. SO WEIRD.

Conversely, I have a shortage of bras and shoes. I have like three bras, not including two "sexy" bras that rarely, if ever, get worn (poor L!). And shoes...all I wear are flip flops (year round), boots (during fall/winter) and ballet-type flats. I am not a fan of shoe shopping. I know, maybe I'm not a real woman?

What are some of your wardrobe obsessions?

Therapy.

2012-10-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have finally decided to get serious about starting therapy. If you have read more than two of my posts in the past couple of years, you know I need it. {Hello!} Here's the thing though (a) I am terrified of entering a world completely unknown to me, and (b) I am clueless about how to find my "perfect" therapist match.

For starters, I have no local friends or family who know of a good therapist. So asking them is out. I got a referral from my doctor, and that is a long story, but I am not sure if I want to follow through with the referral. So, now I find myself basically stuck. I am fortunate enough to have insurance coverage, so I am trying to find someone in-network. This is proving to be a lot more difficult and anxiety inducing than I ever thought it would be. Wait, isn't the idea of therapy supposed to make me less anxious?! Yea, I wish.

I have been reading a lot of therapist profiles online and looking at websites, and that shit is daunting. They ALL say they deal with anxiety, chronic illness, depression, etc. They ALL say they can help me. And don't get me started on profile pictures. Man, I have never felt so judgmental in my life. "Umm, that person looks like a serial killer." NEXT. "That person looks like they are auditioning for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." NEXT. "That person looks a lot younger than me." NEXT.

If you actually are a therapist with your picture online, I am sorry. I know I shouldn't be judging people's head shots, but, I totally did. And I am sure I am not the first. Again, sorry! I am going to be telling this person a lot of very personal information, and I guess I am putting the cart before the horse...but, I feel so vulnerable. I haven't even reached out for an appointment yet, and I already feel exposed. It's ridiculous. There are dozens of in-network therapists within 1-2 miles of our house. Should I just pick a few that seem good and go with that? I mean, it might be kinda sweet to have my therapist's office right around the corner. Ugh - I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here.

I need help in moving forward with this. Anyone have any advice on how to get the ball rolling with therapy and finding a therapist? If you are comfortable sharing, please DO. I am worried I am going to get frustrated and just abandon this whole thing - which I know is most certainly not what I want to do.

Opposites Attract: Part Deux (4 years later)

2012-09-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Four years ago, I wrote a cute little post about how L and I are basically opposites. I think it got picked up and posted on Weddingbee, too. My general perspective was, "We are so different, but fit together so adorably well. Three cheers for being opposites!"

I wanted to write a bit of an updated version of that post, because (a) we have been married now for over three years (and together nearly a decade) and (b) we have been dealing with varying levels of turmoil in this household due to having separate interests.

So here is how I feel these days.

First off, it is a real challenge. I used to think we brought out the best in each other. I still do (mostly) believe that, but man, is it hard work. When you have been together a long time, laziness ensues. For me, making concessions for L, and going outside of my comfort zone is getting tougher as the years go on. I have gotten quite comfortable. I have settled in for the winter, and I don't want to change. L is somewhat the same in this respect.

Okay, so there's laziness. Now combine that with separate interests, and problems can arise. For purposes of not making this blog post ten pages long, I will focus in on social aspects. The best way I know to describe it is that, mentally, I have become 75 years old, and L has stayed at 25. After graduate school ended, I promptly cashed in my "It's Friday night, let's get wasted!" card. Then we got married, and I kinda stopped wanting to go out like I used to. I can blame it on my health problems or depression from infertility, but really, the married version of me mostly enjoys alone time and hanging out with my husband. I like to order in, watch movies, read books, and spend an embarrassing amount of time on Pinterest. He is perplexed by the amount of time I spend online, likes to go out a lot, wants to hang out with friends, would love it if we drank together more, etc. So that difference I noted in my older post, "I love to be a nerd. He loves to be cool" has become a really big difference. It drives a wedge between us. We both have to work extra hard on doing what the other person wants to do, because, in some respects, we just don't take pleasure in the same things. We are working on this. Hence, date nights and other methods of married people fun, I guess.

As two opposite people, I feel like it really tests our limits as a couple. We want children. That is not a big mystery around here. Sometimes I imagine that if we had a child, we would have that child in common. We would both be interested in everything that involves our kid, and most of our efforts would be focused on said kid. I think we are really ready for that. But that is not our story right now, so we continue to iron out the kinks...just the two of us.

We used to be so infatuated with each other that I don't think either of us ever even noticed the negatives. Now, we are no longer trying to impress the socks off each other, and flaws are magnified. When I don't clean up, it isn't "my adorable little mess" anymore, L has that judgmental "clean your shit up" glimmer in his eye. Conversely, when L goes on some anal retentive cleaning binge, it isn't endearing to me, I look at him like he has a mental problem. There aren't fairy tale surprises around every corner. The rose colored glasses have gone missing.

We complement each other in a lot of ways, but we also have to compromise a lot, too. Yeah, yeah...no one ever said it was gonna be easy, and all that crap. In the same vein, many don't usually talk about how hard it actually is.

I am not necessarily looking for advice on this. We aren't like on the road to divorce or anything like that; L knows I love the shit out of his Container Store-loving ass. Just putting our experiences out there in case anyone else married someone with separate interests and has struggled with it.

Blog Housekeeping

2012-09-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am going to be switching gears a bit here. I decided I will not talk much more about IVF on the blog. I shared everything I wanted to share in the posts I put up, and since any subsequent treatments will likely not occur for a very long time, I am basically done posting about it. But, if you have any questions about our IVF experience, please feel free to email me at carlysdreams at hotmail dot com, and I would be happy to respond to the best of my ability.

Next order of business. I am looking to update my blog design. It has been years and I think it's time. Anyone know of any good, decently priced web/blog designers? I had this fleeting thought that I would do it myself, which is a terrifying thought. I need something simple and functional with a splash of modern. I am not too picky. Let me know if you have any leads or if you are a blog designer looking to take on new projects.

Lastly, there will be a giveaway on the blog! I don't know what it is yet, but I promise it will be something good. I am not trying to lure in any new readers with shiny prizes, but rather I want to thank the old guard; the loyal friends of The Less than Domestic Goddess. So, this giveaway is only going to be open to people who really read this blog (based on the honor system...because I can't possibly know everyone who reads silently). More on the giveaway to come...

I think that is it in terms of housekeeping matters. How is everyone doing? I feel like it's been awhile since I asked everyone that.

Review: Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner

2012-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I wash my hair every day. I use a hair dryer and curler daily, too. I feel almost embarrassed admitting that, because I know how damaging it can be. (We have all seen those shampoo commercials that talk about it.) However, this is what has always worked for me. My hair gets oily really fast, and the smell of my own dirty hair makes my stomach turn. The thought of skipping days? I just...no. Can't do it. No, no, no.

So, I usually seek out moisturizing shampoos to help keep my hair from looking and feeling too straw-like and dry. But, conditioner? Throughout the years, I have had a love hate relationship with conditioner. I have tried conditioners that have just made my oily hair even more flat and greasy looking, so I got in the habit of avoiding conditioner all together.

Last month, I got the chance to try out Dove's Daily Moisture Conditioner. I was skeptical due to my preconceived notions about conditioner, in general. I tried it, and I was pretty surprised by the results. My hair was so much softer and smoother than it was with just shampoo alone. It was also easier to style and manage throughout the day. And, no, it didn't feel like my hair was greasy or flat. It just felt and looked moisturized and healthy.

I also love that this conditioner is all about damage therapy. It has patented technology that repairs and nourishes hair, which I really need due to my daily hair washing. I do not think I realized how dry my hair was until I started using Dove's Daily Moisture Conditioner as part of my everyday routine. But now I will never go back!

My Dove conditioned hair looking and feeling pretty darn healthy.

A shot of the conditioner...and my shower.

As a part of this review, there is a link provided below to a $1.50 coupon off Dove Hair Therapy products and also a $1,000 Spafinder gift certificate giveaway! Please answer the following prompt and follow the instructions below to enter. Good luck!

How do you keep your hair looking healthy and strong?

Enter to win a $1,000 Spafinder gift certificate!

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Be sure to visit Dove^®Hair.com to get a coupon for $1.50 off Dove Hair Therapy products.

Some Denial and Some Grieving.

2012-09-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been finding it hard to move forward. I feel like I can't get over IVF. I feel like I can't move past infertility. I feel like the rest of my life hangs in the balance while I try valiantly to pretend like everything is okay. Some days are definitely better than others. It's not all bad. I want to re-iterate that. It isn't ALL bad. I just want to get back to living a full life rather than always feeling like something is missing or off or not right.

I don't want to be that bitter woman. I don't want to be that sad woman. I never wanted to be that woman who is defined by her reproductive capabilities. But, if some days I am bitter, sad, or defined by my infertility, then so be it. I need to forgive myself for that and stop suppressing my emotions. Having a tantrum about the unfairness of life may not be completely rational, but sometimes life is irrational. Our emotions don't always fit into a neat little gift box. And I am (very, very) slowly learning that, because I am the queen of emotional suppression. As I pointed out in my last post, I talk up a storm about emotions on this blog, but this isn't the real life me. The real life me is sitting in my doctor's exam room putting on a jolly face to the point that even my doctor puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "Carly, sometimes I worry about you." To which I reply, "Oh no, you shouldn't worry!" Yeah, that happened. Why I was worried about upsetting my fertility doctor who sees plenty of not so jolly women per day is beyond me.

I feel like part of this process involves fully recognizing that IVF #1 failed. As strange as it may sound, I have not done that. I have not grieved. I have spent too much time looking ahead, trying to configure back up plans, and reaching for band aids to cover it all up. It's exhausting to try and fake what you are really feeling. When you are pretending to be happy, but actually aren't, it makes you feel hollow and empty inside. That emptiness is perhaps one of the loneliest feelings. I think I am doing everyone around me a favor by shielding my sadness, but actually, I know I am doing nothing but shortchanging myself. I really want to move forward. I think part of that process is letting my mind grieve. Actually, I know I need to do this.

Recently, L and I had a very deep discussion about a future option for our family. I was elated that we were both on the same page with the possibility of this exciting opportunity. However, I still recognize that I need to grieve for myself and IVF first. I told L that he needs to, too. He has been just as guarded and painfully stoic as well. On the outside we put on these brave faces, but behind that facade, it would take a pin prick to make us crumble.

Anyone else have some trouble with recognizing and being in sync with your emotional side? I am open to suggestions/stories/anything on how to work on this.

Thank You

2012-08-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for all your sweet, supportive comments on my IVF posts. I went back and forth for weeks thinking about whether I would share our experience. I finally said to myself, "The women who read this blog are pretty much the best group of women I have ever "met" in my life. They will be kind. They will be gentle. Even if my emotions are heavy, and my experiences are not bright, shiny and happy, they will somehow try to understand where I am coming from and accept me.

Acceptance is such an important part of life. We strive to feel accepted. To be accepted. No one likes or wants to be judged harshly. I am no different. Actually, sometimes, I am overly aware of how others perceive me. But, for some reason, on this blog, I am able to open my heart and let it out. I share things here that I don't share with anyone. I allow myself a level of vulnerability that I would never allow in real life. I am not a big sharer in real life. Friends throughout the years have described me as "mysterious", "hard to get to know", and "private". I think they've said nicer things about me, too, but naturally, those are the descriptions that can keep me up late at night, deep in thought.

You guys are getting the real deal. Thank you for accepting me and loving me. It means more than I can ever possibly put into words. Through sharing my story, I hope I can help someone out there who may be reading along and needing support, too.

Have a great Labor Day weekend, friends!

The IVF Experience: Scared

2012-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

FLASHBACK: I wrote this post without the knowledge of if this cycle worked or not. I wanted to get all of my thoughts down while everything was happening rather than in retrospect where my position might be colored by a positive or negative pregnancy test.

I am now five days past our transfer date. I really hate to say this, but everything in my mind and body tells me that it is very unlikely that this worked. I have zero symptoms other than what I assume are side effects from all of the hormones I am taking. But I'm not bloated. I have not felt any credible cramping. Nothing. I am not sleeping more. In fact, I got terrible sleep last night.

A few days ago, we got our last fertility report. The embryologist let us know that out of the 15 mature fertilized eggs that seemed to be doing quite well on Day 3...none were suitable for freeze. NONE. L and I were gutted, to say the least. Does this mean I have bad eggs? Shit. Then we found out that the two good blasts that we transferred were not so wonderful after all. They got a rating of 3.5 out of a possible 5. Something about a cluster of cells that wasn't exactly where it needed to be. So, our fantastic cycle that we were sure had at least a 60% chance of working...in actuality, we have about a 42% chance, according to the embryologist. L was relaying all of this information to me, because he was the one who spoke with the doctor on the phone. Poor guy then had to let me know all of this news while on a work break, and I sat frantic on the other end of the line.

I just knew this process was going to let us down at some point. Everything was moving along too smoothly. It sounds horrible for me to say that, but it's how I feel.

I started retracing all of the events of transfer day. Our doctor seemed happy, almost giddy. I thought it was because he was pleased with the results of our cycle. Now I think it was because he was set to go on vacation later that day, and was probably looking forward to that. I think about how he kept saying everything looked "good". In the academic world, good = B; excellent or perfect = A. In my valium induced haze, I somehow mistook good to mean A quality. Stupid me. Good has never sounded like a shittier way to say, "not great." I guess one of us should have asked him what "good" meant. We should have inquired about the grading of our two little blasts. But, we didn't. We were naive, and just so happy that we had made it to transfer day.

Now five days removed, I feel so distanced from this process. I've been so upset ever since hearing 42% chance, B quality blasts, and zero frozen embies. I guess I feel like a failure all over again. The frozen embies were supposed to be our insurance policy against feeling TOO awful if this cycle fails. I had it all planned in my mind that even if this didn't work the first time, we would have at least one or two attempts with some frozens.

Now it's like a free fall. A negative pregnancy test will put us all the way back to day 1. Not Day 1 of this cycle, but the Day 1 when L and I first looked at each other and said, "Let's try for a baby." On that day three years ago, we could have never fathomed what that decision would do to us; how it would transform us. We could have never imagined that the hill we might have to climb to get pregnant was actually a mountain with an army of guards at its gates shooting arrows at us telling us we don't have what it takes to make it to the top.

We just had no idea.

So if this cycle fails, we are back to Day 1. But, a day 1 where we are 3 years older. A lot poorer. A lot sadder. And a lot less hopeful.

This is what infertility does to people. It dangles the carrot of success in their faces, and then rips their fucking hearts out. Why? Well, for no better reason than because it can.

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A few days after I wrote this post, I took the first of two First Response Pregnancy tests. Both were negative. My gut feeling was correct. I was not pregnant.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

2012-08-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

source

The Odd Life of Timothy Green is about a childless couple that, through some sort of magical force, grows their dream child one night in their garden. I mean, COME ON. How could we not go see it?

When the preview came out, I told L we had to see this movie. He was like, "Huh? Why is Jennifer Garner dancing like that?" Then it came out, and I did something I never do. I looked up show times, and picked out a week night to see it. Remember how I'm usually a home bound slug on week nights? Refer to this post. I don't really know why, but I felt compelled to watch this movie.

We love all things Disney, but this is the first Disney movie we have seen in a theater in a long time. Aside from the dynamic duo sitting directly in front of us that wanted to critique every other scene DURING THE MOVIE...we loved it! On a side note, this actually happened. Who sits in a theater within earshot of plenty of people and talks incessantly? A rude individual who needed a breath mint more than anyone has ever needed a breath mint in the history of breath mints. I wish I was joking. Everyone shushed them a bunch of times, and they still wouldn't STFU.

But, back to the film. Disney did not disappoint in their ability to make you just feel good about life. That is what this movie was to me - a way for every single person who watches it (not just those affected by infertility) - to feel good about themselves. L and I did feel a special kinship with the characters. It hit close to home. I had tears in my eyes for the better part of the movie, and then pretty much lost it at the end.

I won't discuss any of the details in case you guys want to watch it. It probably isn't going to get any Oscar nominations, but we both really enjoyed it. I am so glad we went.

Anyone else see The Odd Life of Timothy Green?

Tide Coldwater

2012-08-22T11:06:00.001-07:00

Okay, you guys know that I am somewhat "domestically challenged". I am not a big fan of cleaning. I don't really fuss over my house. I actually wish I were more interested sometimes. But, I digress.

One thing I am a big fan of is doing laundry. Piles of freshly laundered clothing just make me happy. I also LOVE folding warm laundry, which is another post for another day. Anyway, sometimes I go crazy and run our washer and dryer so much that our electric bill is through the roof.

I am a long time Tide customer, and have been using only Tide for years and years. My clothes always smell amazingly fresh, and I have never been compelled to switch to a competitor's brand. I recently found out about Tide Coldwater, and really wanted to try it. It claims to get clothes just as clean while saving tons of energy.

So far, so good. I have not been disappointed. Our clothes are clean, and I love that we are saving energy, too. I think it will definitely make a dent in our future electric bills.

P&G is offering a 10% discount on all items in their e-store with FREE SHIPPING on purchases over $25. Act soon, because this offer ends 08/31/12!

I am late getting this promotion to you guys (given that it ends in a little over a week) but I really wanted to share it with you because it involves giving you a discount for buying your favorite P&G products online. I was surprised to learn that most of what I use every day are P&G products!

**Also please note that I will receive a commission off any sales purchased through the above widget. Aside from commission, I am not being paid anything or given free products for this post.**

Thanks for reading!

The IVF Experience: Technical Stuff

2012-08-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Here are a few technical details of an average IVF cycle including details of what my cycle looked like. Depending on your situation, your doctor will figure out the best way to prepare and stimulate your body for IVF. I was on what is known as the "long Lupron" protocol. Here is a sample calendar of what the month of July looked like for us, except I was on birth control pills, too (which is not reflected on the sample calendar).

I started birth control pills at the end of June. Then I was put on injections of Lupron; a drug that gives you hot flashes and simultaneously makes you pissed off at the whole entire world. That was buckets of fun for everyone I came in contact with for a couple of weeks. Sorry, guys.

During July, my ovaries were stimulated with yet more daily injections of some *very* expensive meds. As in, I'm pretty sure L and I financed our pharmacist's grandson's first semester of college. Or maybe we paid part of the grumpy pharmacy tech's salary? It's possible. Then there were a lot of monitoring appointments, an egg retrieval (you're knocked out for that), and finally an egg transfer (you aren't knocked out for that, but they give you 10 mg of my BFF, valium. Oh valium, one day I will write a love song about you.)

For me, the most taxing part of this process was the egg retrieval. My body was also completely exhausted for days. My ovaries were sore, and my entire digestive system was out of whack. Everything I read said that the egg retrieval is a breeze. Maybe that is why I found it tougher than I expected? I also had a lot of eggs, so that may have also played a role in my short-term misery. I assumed I would feel loopy and tired when I woke up. Instead, I was in extreme pain, dizzy, and nauseous. I was in more pain than I was when I woke up from my laparoscopy. It took me a handful of days to feel back to normal. I guess I should not have been so naive, given that doctors rarely quote recovery times correctly. Oh well.

After the eggs were retrieved, fertilization occurred, and we waited around for a few days for everything to develop. Generally, they transfer the embryos back within a time frame of three or five days after the egg retrieval. There is a whole science regarding three day transfers versus five day transfers. Again, the transfer date depends on the situation. We were given instructions to expect a five day transfer. Luckily, we had something to transfer, but this was the point in our IVF cycle where I started to become really worried. More on that later.

The egg transfer was quite easy. It helped tremendously that I was high as a kite (see valium comment above). Everything was in slow motion, and I totally forgot to ask the list of questions I had prepared for my doctor. Dammit. But again, I felt like a million bucks, so I guess it worked out just fine. We got a picture of our two beautiful blastocysts. (Here's a definition of what a blastocyst is. Yeah, I didn't have a clue what it was, either.) Seeing their picture was the most amazing part of this experience.

Then we were told to wait. We were officially in the IVF version of the "two week wait", which turned out to be 10 days after our egg transfer. After that time period, I had to report back to my doctor's office for the infamous beta pregnancy test.

In a nutshell, this is what happens during an average IVF cycle. See, not so bad, right? I have skipped a lot of little details in between, but tried to touch on most of the major ones. For me, dealing with the emotional part was much harder than dealing with the physical part. However, I have heard stories where IVF does NOT go smoothly, and the physical effects are terrible. A lot of it depends on how your body reacts to the drugs.

NEXT UP, I'll talk about that heavy emotional stuff I hinted to last week.

Again, feel free to comment, share stories, or ask questions about IVF.