The Life and Times of...well...me

We could help each other rise up past the things we're going through

2010-10-29T21:47:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how life works when you stop giving a fuck what people are going to think. Really.

And I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning grey

2010-10-29T17:56:00.000-05:00

I love who you are
I hate who I was

You always look forward and choose the right paths
I always look back and trip over my feet

Honesty. It's a big deal. The question is, how often were we honest with each other?

If you've ever resented me for something and not told me, that's your bad. But to you. You told me the big things. Always. The problem was me. I never did anything about it and continued taking you for granted. Considering my numerous chances and warnings, I deserve to be forgotten.

But that's the thing about you. You won't forget. And I won't forget either. What does that mean?

Does that mean we take the chance we have here and run away? Is that the best choice? I wouldn't know. You're the one that makes the right choices.

Here's another thought, we're both changed people. Hear this, I KNOW that I can fulfill every single promise I made. I KNOW that I will, given the chance. The problem is, you don't know. How the fuck could you? I'm not stupid. I see what I did. I understand and realize the pain I caused. To be quite honest, I'd like nothing more in the world than to sit and listen to you yell at me. I want it. I want to hear you tell me how much you fucking hate me. I want you to tell me how you wanted me to die. I want to hear it. I want you to break my heart with the stories of what I did to you. Because only when you've fully relayed the pain like that can we get anywhere. Maybe tonight will be the night.

Hear me out

I don't want you for the sex
I don't want you for revenge
I don't want you because I'm still not sure what my life needs or something
I don't want you for any reason other than this:
I
LOVE
YOU

Period.

And because I love you, I want you to break me even more. I don't want you to stop until you feel okay with the number of pieces you've left me in. I want you to break me like I broke you. I want you to leave behind more pieces than I did. I want you to make it so there's not a soul on earth that could put me back together.

I want you to fucking kill me.

I still don't think I've gotten my point across but I'll stop there nonetheless.

The reason for all this? Because, I truly love you. And I'm so not okay with what I did that I feel that I deserve to lose all the happiness in my life.

I'm done being selfish though. Normally, I'd fight for you. I'd fight to the death. But that's not fair to you. So at this point it's your ship, captain. I'll drive it with my sighs. Just steer us where you want to go. The finest treasure is buried under waves.

Know that I'll do anything you want, ANYTHING, to prove myself to you.

I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I can't stand knowing I left scars on your heart.

You said that you would die for me

2010-09-05T02:12:00.000-05:00

What do you want from me, life? What do you freaking want?

My life is a freaking Rubik's Cube, I swear to God. What the crap.

Let me put it this way, you ever do something pretty stupid and realize MONTHS later what you did? Or better yet, realize what your actions have done, what they meant, and how badly you've screwed yourself. I HAVE :D And did.

I'm honestly so disappointed and sick with myself that I'd rather die than deal with this. It's so ominous. Staring me in the face. Laughing. Reminding me of what I've done and what I have to do to fix it. Or at least the biggest part of it. I'm not so sure I'm ready to spill it here. I just really need to complain about myself.

I have a bad habit of just dropping people when I get scared. Typically longevity is the main fueling fear. I'm realizing right about now how bad that is. I've lost a big part of my life and there seems to be absolutely no way to fix it or gain it back.

Of all the bellyaching sorrow in this blog, let this one convey the utmost heartache. I've felt my heart break before, but nothing like this. I didn't realize something was wrong until it started hurting this bad. Then I looked in comparison to the past and realized the magnitude of what happened. The hurt is exponentially worse. An inexplicable, unfaltering heaviness in my chest plagues me now and all I can think is I'd rather die than feel this way.

THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE. So don't even start with that crap. I'm simply stating death would certainly feel better than this.

The question rings in my head, what now? What could I possibly do now? And those answers are easier to come by than the answer to, "What SHOULD I do?"

TO A SPECIFIC PERSON:
If you're reading this, you need to know that it's about you and you need to know that we have unfinished business to tend to. I have a hell of a lot to tell you and get out in the open. It may just make you hate me more. Or hell, maybe you don't actually hate me yet. Maybe this will make you start. Or if the world decides to work like a fairytale like it did for what seems to be too short a period of time, you'll accept what I'm telling you and ever so slowly, we'll work it out. Doubtful. And if you are in fact reading this, you're likely laughing at that. Hey, whatever becomes of what we discuss is deserved. The thing is, you're the one to decide what I deserve. Not me, not God, not anyone but you. If you're not sure that this is about you, it is. Because if it weren't, you'd know for sure. Promise. That doubt, that question in your head means you know it's true.

Yes, I'm looking pretty dramatic and pathetic. Call me what you will, I am who I am and you never hated that before. Which separates you from others.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I never stopped loving you. Cross my heart and hope to die. Never.

Land of make believe, and it don't belive in me.

2010-07-14T19:55:00.000-05:00

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh, therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse

That's really all I have to say right now.

Too many legs under the table. Too many reasons for trouble.

2010-07-08T17:07:00.001-05:00

So dear blog...or...readers...WHATEVER. SO. I think it's time I fill you in on what's happened in my life. What do you think?

I'll start with the biggest thing, my parents are getting divorced. My father and step-mother. They've been married for something like 12 or 13 years and everything has been peachy. My step mom just decided she wanted out. Needless to say, it destroyed our freaking family. It's REALLY torn me up because it makes me think that she doesn't give a fuck about me. She's made it clear that she does but...idk. I'm that kid in the middle of a divorce. It always feels like your fault or feels like your parents don't love YOU anymore. There have been a lot of tears and it's been really hard. But I'm doing the best I can. That's all I have to say about that right now.

Second thing is, I've moved out. :) Kinda. I'm housesitting until I move to NSU. So I'm on my own. Yay!

Third, I'm kinda getting over my dads ability to guilt trip me. Last summer I gave up all the hatred and negative feelings I had towards him and reopened our relationship. It was great, but I opened it too much. There's only so much of him I can take still. It makes me feel like a crappy son to say it, but there's nothing I can do about it. That's the way he is and I have to take that for what it is. :/

Fourth, I'm about to lose a really good friend. This friend takes issue with almost everyone and the constant negativity is not working for me. We've been friends a long time and this friend is just too hardheaded or too dense to fix it. It makes me so insanely sad to say, but we're drifting apart and I do everything I can to stop it. But this friend is too concerned with building friendships with people that have hurt this friend than keeping ours strong. I NEVER see this friend anymore, yet this friend refuses to do anything about it. Always too busy with their own life to work on a failing friendship that has brought so much to them. So you know what? I'm about done. I'm about to call it quits. I've discovered that I have no problem with a bunch of people and this friend is too hardheaded to even try to make nice with these people. I'm sick of not being able to talk about them with this friend. So screw it. If you won't do anything, neither will I. Let's see how many times YOU can start a conversation with ME. Eh? Try that. Let's see when the next time YOU offer to hang out with ME is. Cause I'm done. It's been me over and over and over that has been keeping this afloat. I'm going to leave it up to you and if it sinks, it's not on my hands. Because I did everything I could. :) I'll miss you, but I'll find someone else, I assure you. Everyone is replaceable to a degree. Not everything will be the same, but there will be the same amount of "things" we share. :) So get over yourself.

Fifth, 2010 may just be the best year of my life thus far. :)

Sixth, I love you.

I think that's all I actually want to share right now.
Until next time, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I know how this story ends. <3 :)

Just drop those thoughts behind you now. Change your mind.

2010-07-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm going to keep things relatively simple tonight. So lets get right to it.

First, I've missed you dear blog. I have. I just feel obligated to get that out of the way. BUT HERE I AM. Let me tell you guys, things have been just crazy for me lately. But I'll spill all that tomorrow.

SECOND, vulgarity has been turned down a bit. I'm seeing less and less of a reason for it. This is a good thing. It means I'm pulling out of my hole :) Coming out = best thing I've ever done in my life. Ever. I've been so much happier being truthful with myself and others. Like you wouldn't believe. Gaaaah *smilemore*

Third, I started missing a lover recently. I actually missed her. I spent a bit of time discussing this with St. J. and she didn't have much to say. But talking it out got some gears moving in my head. I've figured this out now and I'm happy to say I don't miss it in the pitiful, self hating way. Just the way that I know good times were had and that's that. :)

Fourth, things are changing. Big time. BIG time. People are getting dropped, my ego is getting dropped, depression is getting dropped, apathy is getting dropped. You get the point. I'm getting involved with my life again. It's weird how when you put yourself out there and be yourself, people will take you in. I'm so freaking sick of putting on faces for everyone. There's my overly vulgar face, there's my perfect little angel face, there's my straight face (lawl...more than one way), there's too many faces, I'm sick of pretending. I'm cleaning out my face shelf again. :)

Last but not least, I see things getting much much better. I have like 3498 new friends all of a sudden and I see them growing more in the future. Same with some old friends. And I'm starting to see some old friends' true colors. They're getting left on the curb. I'm done carrying people.

To the new ones, ily already :)
To the old ones, I've already loved you :)
To the ones getting left behind, too bad so sad :)

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I FREAKING LOVE my life now :) <3

I know it isn't dignified to run

2010-05-01T18:57:00.000-05:00

What's today's post gonna be about?! Probably how uninteresting my life is. I'm still in a bit of a slump but I get to go to college and that's all that matters :D

I cannot freaking wait to take my atmospheric leap into this. It's already been kind of weird getting enrolled and all of that jazz. I've taken care of more things by myself in the past month than I have in my entire life. It's been amazing. I have some things to overcome but if I take care of myself I'll be fine. I'm not letting the odds smack me down. I'm going for this when the odds are completely stacked against me. The percentage of people in my position actually making it all the way through college is something like 5%. I don't give a crap. I'm doing it. I always tend to be in the minority of things anyways. I find myself in "What are the odds?" situations all of the time. So let's do it.

That's about the only interesting thing in my life right now though. As we speak, the only thing I'm doing is listening to music and making a backup image of a hard drive. Great, right? Yeah. It's so fun...

ANYWAYS I kind of just wanted to throw that out there.

Also, my mother has maintained her ability to alienate me. Which has been fun to say in the least...But what can I do? Nothing. I can't talk to her about it. That doesn't work. I can't ignore it. It's kind of...you know...a big deal...I don't know. I realize that the entire world is prepared to hate me because I like guys. Seems ridiculous, seems silly, but most people have this incredible determination to hate gay people. It's a fact of life. BUT my mother? Wtf is that shit? She apologized the other day for letting a certain UNNAMED STUPID BITCH get to her and let her affect her life like that. Sadly, it didn't change anything. At least she knows that the bitch is a bitch. She's made her desire to murder the jackass very clear. That almost makes me happy enough. I don't know.

I feel like moving back to my dads but I'm so sick of running. Even though I miss him..

Running away from pain when you've been victimized. Tales from another broken home.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I love you <3

She says to me, "Why couldn't you have been a doctor or a lawyer?"

2010-04-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not okay. I'm not sure if I'll be able to say any different tomorrow.

Honestly, that's about all I want to say. But for the sake of your poor wondering souls I'll elaborate a bit. Which, knowing me has potential to turn into 30 paragraphs. We'll see.

I'm in a rough spot right now. I sometimes get into slumps where the absolute only thing I have in life is Craig Owens and his words. This year I was my freshman year in college. Next year will be my freshman year in college. To put it simply... I've felt like I've lost a lot. My mother has done an amazing job of alienating me and making me feel like we're not even the same species. My step dad is being a flat out jackass about everything for no apparent reason. I'm so motherfucking sick of moving back and forth otherwise I'd go back to my dads. I'm really really REALLY heavily considering it. I tried to be myself with my mother but she finds out I'm gay and suddenly I'm a different person. This is ridiculous.

And when all kinds of other things are piling on today, figuring out college shit and trying to work out so many things with that that I literally don't have the room to talk about, dealing with guilt trips from someone, missing someone, wanting someone that I don't even know, dealing with more guilt trips, being called outright lazy, being degraded on a very low level on purpose, and a good seven other things, I got snapped at by three different people within an hour. I've looked back trying to figure out what I did but as far as I can tell, I've acted the same as I always do. I just got jumped by a bunch of people for no reason. I'm not mad at these people. I'm just upset about the timing. I'm trying not to blame anyone but myself as is only fair. Obviously that doesn't help any of this. Which then makes me upset that people are never considerate of the kind of day someone is having.

In order to keep these interactions from escalating to a very hostile level, I just ended them immediately. Then suddenly I found myself to be alone. What the fuck have I done to deserve any of this?

Do I deserve the pain that people don't have a problem throwing at me? Do I deserve to be alienated by my mother for my sexuality? Do I deserve to be called lazy because I'm depressed DESPITE THE FACT that I've never tried harder in my life to accomplish something? I'm busting my ass and I'm getting nothing out of it.

I want to quit Tech. I want to get a job with my sister and work with her until NSU this fall. I want to tell a lot of people to fuck off. I want to swallow a handful of oxy and jump off of a bridge. What do these things have in common? They're not happening because all of them leave me in an even worse place. Which means I get to ride with all of this bullshit that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

She doesn't seem to have a problem with never talking to me again.
She's never coming back.
He's only there when he wants to be.
He will always be there as long as he can.
She loves me no matter what and is the only thing I have to fall on.
Which subsequently means that she gets fallen on.
She doesn't seem to love me anymore.
He wishes I'd be there for him more. And so do I.
She will never know how much I miss her and how much her not being here kills me.
He seems to care about what happens to me and I owe him my life.
He's been good to me thus far.
He's going to be fun to be friends with for years to come.
She would genuinely care if she knew what was happening, I believe.
He doesn't exist anymore.
He will never know how much I love him.
She will never know what I'd do for her.
She will never know how much she can hurt me when she treats me like that.
And all of the rest don't really matter enough for me to talk about.

People haven't even given me the courtesy of being stabbed in the back today. It's just been blatantly upfront. Thanks guys. Glad to know you don't give a flying fuck.

And to you, you should be fucking ashamed. Absolutely disgusted by what's happened. Because right about now I'd like to be able to talk to you about my problems but you seem to be the one least interested in them anymore. Yet you'll always be the one I want to tell about them. Oh well. It's probably my fault. I always end up turning people against me with my own advice. Well take this piece of advice: don't dropkick your friends like that. Don't be so willing to get so rid of someone when you're slightly annoyed. That's pathetic and you know it as well as I do. I hope you cringe when you catch yourself acting like that.

And to you, I wish you were still here. It breaks my fucking heart that I can't talk to you about anything anymore. It does. You were my sister. You were my fucking sister and you let such shallow things kill you. So now you've left us with this shell that doesn't even remind us of what you were. I miss you more than I can put into words. You never once in the lifetime that we knew each other blew me off. Not once. You were there for me every second of every day and I was for you. What happened? Why did you have to go like that? Why would you turn on us? How could you do that to your bubba? Because now for the past few years all he's had are tears and memories of who you used to be. How could you do that to me? I miss you. You wouldn't have left me hanging like this.

And to you, I'm so obscenely sorry for everything. I miss you sir. I do. You've been one of my best friends since the day I actually met you. You're an amazing person and I don't want to see you go like I saw my sister go. Please do not ever hesitate to talk to me. I love you. Don't forget it.

And you, you're a piece of shit for treating someone that you're supposed to love unconditionally like this. I've never been disgusted by you before but you've proved that there's a first time for everything. It's just getting worse and I cannot believe you.

And you, please don't do what you did to me to anyone else ever. Ever. I've been there, I'm still scarred from it, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Please please please keep growing into a better person like you have.

And last but certainly not least, I can sum up everything I want to say to you in two sentences. I meant it when I said I love you, don't ever doubt my love for you. It's still there and I do miss you.

So once again, I say goodnight to the world with tears in my eyes and no response back from the ones I love. That feels incredible.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I need Novocaine.

Comfort always made the rescue, we always hoped for the best

2010-04-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

What is it with people having to be in other people's business? I've now been screwed by one person's fuck-ass move in ways that I wouldn't have imagined possible. I'd rather be homeless than live like this, you fucking bitch. I used to have a relationship with my mother that no other could compare to, now you've torn it down. Happy? Are you happy? Are you fucking happy that you've now hurt me back more than I ever did you? You don't even know the shit I've encountered for this now. I feel like I don't have a family. I feel so insanely helplessly lost and alone. The best part is, it's your fault. If I could have handled this on my own terms, none of this would be happening. My mother doesn't believe anything I say now. She believes your lies over everything I tell her.

Here's the best part, that's not what makes me the most angry. The fact that you have destroyed HER life is what makes me want to punch you in the head and rip out that walnut-sized piece of shit excuse of a heart that you have. I want to make you feel what I get to wake up with every day. I can only hope someone does this to you. And you know what? CHOKE ON YOUR FUCKING KNIVES, CUNT. CHOKE ON THEM. Because I eat chicken with a goddamn fork like a man! SO FUCK YOU. At this point, if you haven't figured out that I know exactly who you are, you are about as stupid as I believe you to be. I know it was you. I know what you did. And you'll never understand it. Mark my words, if you call my mother ONE. MORE. TIME. EVER. AGAIN. I WILL kill you. I won't stop stabbing until you stop screaming. And I'll walk out of your house covered in your blood with a smile on my face knowing that the last minute of your life, you experienced what I get to for the rest of mine.

TO THE REST OF YOU: Sorry to get freakishly sadistic there. But I can't express how upset I am. I'm not sure if I'll ever be allowed to have a halfway decent relationship with my family again. I know a lot of people from broken homes, I'm from a bit of a broken home myself, but what I had was sacred in my eyes. It was all I had and I couldn't be more thankful for it. Most people that experience a lack of family relationships never had them in the first place. Do you know what it feels like to have the only shred of family you ever had in your eyes torn away from you because of the selfish actions of some bitch like this? Few do. And I respect those that do. Because I've never appreciated the weight of this until now.

I'm not sure what to do or say or feel anymore. The only thing I've been focusing on this past week is staying out of my house.

The only thing I have left to say is thank you to all who have lent themselves to helping me through this. Thank you for continuing to do it like I know you will. And thank you to all of the people who will support me through til the end.

And thank you Aimee, because you get more of it than anybody. You get the fallout from it. It seems all too often you've gotten the anger and frustration vented at you and I'm sorry. But thank you for putting up with me and continuing to love me. Thank you for always helping me get out of my house and thank you for always being a safe place for me. I love you more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much. I wouldn't be here without your love and support. I wouldn't.

Thank all of you for being here for me. And fuck you (insert name here). Fuck you.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I hope this bitch burns in hell for what she's done. <3

FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

2010-04-08T14:56:00.003-05:00

Talking to my bestfriend the other day I said something along the lines of, "You know if shit goes down, I'll be one of the ones to stand up and fight it."

I've been thinking about this. I'm a goddamn rebel. I always have been. I have this problem with people telling me what to do. "Now you do what they told ya, now you're under control..." I've chilled it out a bit, but it's in there. I have a line. My government, my school, my parents, my peers, my bosses, anyone crosses that line and I lose it. I fight it and I don't stop. I will lose my mind to fight for something I believe in. I have extremely strong beliefs and I defend them.

There have been a few predictions for the future of my generation. Most of them not pretty. I'm not convinced that we're going to see the world fall apart in our lifetime. I'm not convinced that it's impossible either. All I know is that if shit goes down, I'm going to fight. I'm not talking joining the Army, I'm not talking picking up a brick and throwing it at a cop at a protest, I'm talking picking up a gun, walking outside, and fighting everything that opposes my fundamental belief of freedom. And I won't stop until I'm dead, or shit's fixed. I don't plan on letting the first one happen.

Now, would I be sad if something happened and our freedom is compromised? I suppose. Can we think about why for a second? Here, I've made a list of things I'll miss out on if I everything falls apart:

I won't grow up and find someone I love and spend my life with them.
I won't get to raise kids, or I won't get to raise kids in a good place.
The security of a whole government.
I won't get to launch a career.
I won't get to be successful in my chosen field.
Etc.

With me? Now I don't know about you but I see a common element in all of these things: Who says that these things are needed? I don't need that list to be fulfilled to have lived my life to mean something. Actually, if I simply pursue that list, my life didn't mean much of anything. Fuck the standard. Fuck what America tells me I want. I'll fight for the freedom to do what I want, when I want, where I want. As Tom Morello said,

"America touts itself as the land of the free, but the number one freedom that you and I have is the freedom to enter into a subservient role in the workplace. Once you exercise this freedom you've lost all control over what you do, what is produced, and how it is produced. And in the end, the product doesn't belong to you. The only way you can avoid bosses and jobs is if you don't care about making a living. Which leads to the second freedom: the freedom to starve."

I'm not requesting anarchy. I think anarchy is close to the dumbest thing to support at all. Far from that, I want a government that will take care of it's people, I want no more lies, I want discrimination to end. I'll fight for that. But as of now, there's a lot of shit that goes down right here in our own backyards that would be an international crisis if it happened anywhere else. I hate to cite another RATM example but they're pretty easy to cite for this case. They got physically blocked from playing a show they were supposed to play because they didn't have a permit to play. They produced the permits and showed that the bands that had already been playing weren't on the permit. Riot police still would not let them through.

"Imagine if in Beijing during the Olympics a Chinese band whose songs were critical of the government was told they'd be arrested if they attempted to sing those songs in a public forum—there would have been an international human rights outcry. But that's exactly what happened in Minnesota. But this is a band that has made a living singing a song that goes 'fuck you, I won't do what you tell me,' so we weren't about to go back to the hotel with our tails between our legs. So we out-flanked the police line and went into the middle of the crowd, and played a couple of songs passing a bull horn back and forth, and it seemed to go over pretty well."

No one said much about the incident. RATM fans know about it, not much of anyone else. Sorry but that's ridiculous. Flat out wrong. And with shit like this happening more and more every day, I'm realizing, I'm ready to fight for true freedom. I have to say, as of right now, I've been very pleased with the current administration's promise of transparency. They've come through. I'm not COMPLETELY pleased with our elected representation on Capitol Hill but that's just the system we live in. Not everyone agrees on everything.

Allow me to throw out one of my extreme views. I'm willing to pay 60% tax as long as it's appropriately spent and given back to everyone. If you want a decent example of such a system, do a little research on Sweden. As a matter of fact, go here and look at the list of countries ranked by Human Development Index. Then do a little research why the twelve countries rated higher than we are have their positions. You'll be surprised to see public healthcare as a recurring theme. But clearly it's the end of the world as we know it, right? Well I feel fine.

I got a little off topic there, but my point is, fuck the system, fuck standards, I'm going to be who I want to be and I'm going to do what makes me happy. My other point is, I'm not going to stand for ANYONE telling me that basic liberties are wrong. Whether you think it's getting better or worse, you need to be prepared to fight it. If we don't stand up and tell the corrupted suits that we're not afraid of them and we're not going to be stepped on, who will? No one. And that leaves us in a hell of a bad place.

That leaves us with a deep division between upper and lower classes. That leaves us with a lot of hurt. Capitalism is an old and tired system. I don't believe she's dead yet though. I do believe that we could do much better than that. In those countries that are rated higher than us, there is no huge division of classes. Everyone makes around the same salary, which encourages people to do what they want rather than encourage people who couldn't give less of a shit becoming doctors and lawyers like we do here. Now this isn't to say that there isn't room for someone to earn their money and earn their place at the top. It simply means that if you're going to do something you love, you're not going to make a shit salary. Teachers, for example, sacrifice financial stability to do what they love and to contribute to the betterment of society. Brave, brave souls. But in the system I've been talking about, a teacher would make as much as the doctor that wouldn't be there without her. That sacrifice wouldn't be necessary. We'd have better professionals in our "professional" fields.

So what do we do? We fight. Some, such as RATM, are fighting with their words and their actions. Personally, I'm waiting until it crosses my line and if it does, I'm prepared to fight it 'til the bitter end. Are you?

If shit goes down, will you stand next to me and fight for truth, love, and equality? I hope you would. I do.

So there's your food for thought. I'm going to go grab some late lunch. Let me know what you think about this controversial little post here.

Until my next rant, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I'm ready to rage for love.

This is a call to arms to live and love and sleep together

2010-04-07T22:53:00.003-05:00

Ready for tonight's topic? Why are people so afraid to be themselves?

I've recently taken a huge step towards being 100% myself. I decided to not give a crap if someone wants to judge me or look down on me. Why should I? We're only here for a short time, and if we lived the entire time trying to please everyone instead of doing what we enjoy and love regardless of what people say, then we haven't lived.

So I decided not to care and now that I don't, I notice people trying to please others more often. It's a bit more obvious now that I've let go of that. Every time I see it happen I wonder why. Why would you abandon what you believe in and lie just to make someone think that you're on their side and get them to like you? It's almost the same as me abandoning my vow to never work at Wal-Mart. Why do that?

Thinking about it, I don't want to say it's because people are weak. I don't want to believe that. But I've been in that position and looking back, my acting like someone I'm not is a moment of weakness to me. So I suppose that really is how I see it. It sounds so negative. I mean, how many of us have never done that? Everyone has. Which would mean everyone is weak. Some would stop there but you know how I look at the world, that's not enough for me. Because I see the statement 'everyone is weak' and think, there is no weakness without strength. If everyone is weak, no one is strong. If no one is strong, then no one is weak because there's no standard to match it to. Correct? So then this phenomenon is not in fact weakness. It's a desire within all of us as humans, social creatures, to continue socializing with this other human. That's on a very basic level. Now there are variations to this. Say, you're trying to impress someone you like. You can still trace it back to simply wanting to socialize with the person.

Now then, does that mean this is a bad thing? I'm not sure. I think I'd say yes and no. Yes because we all need to maintain our uniqueness and live for who we are in order to live with purpose. No because we just can't help it sometimes. But something to keep in mind is anyone that is truly a friend or truly meant to be a partner will love you no matter how you act, what you do, who you are. I've found this to be true. I haven't lost any friends from this decision to fully come out. A few friendships have actually gotten stronger because of the honesty shared.

So far, nothing bad has come from this blog. I've connected with people in ways I never would have before. It's been wonderful. It's inspired dialog between myself and several different people. Including my mother.

So do you see what can come from being fully honest with yourself and others? Great great things. I haven't felt better in my life than I have recently without some big, nasty skeleton in my closet. Y'know? How about you wonderful people? How do you feel about all of this? I know that this is my take on it, but I also know that this is an open forum and I'm open to any views. As long as there's thought behind them. That's my singular rule.

I suppose I've said enough. I'll leave it at that and let you think about it and share your ideas with me if you feel inclined to do so.

Until next time, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I'm done caring what society says about the way I am.

areyou?

<3 :)

All my friends are as sharp as razors

2010-04-07T12:32:00.000-05:00

SO yesterday evening was about as interesting as...justkiddingitwasn'tinterestingatall

But today has been epic so far. Woke up this morning and was already going to be late to tech, forgot to bring granola bars for Kayla, slammed my brakes and ran back into the house. When I walked in I realized that I'd left Franz Ferdinand on and seeing as how I was in an excellent mood, I just began dancing through the house like some frenzied possessed hippy or something. It was nice. But by the time I left again I'd wasted like another hour and...yeahhh. So I was later for Tech than I meant to be. But I'm okay with this because I had a damn blast.

Then I got to Tech. Today was a particularly lulzy day with Pat, Kayla, and Evan. Not sure why...It just was. We discussed how win Sinatra is, bashed some Hendrix haters, and just lived it up.

Then, I get home, pull into my spot, look out the window and see this:

Beautiful. It's a beautiful day.

These are the sort of days that you remember for a long time. Just because they feel so different, they just stick out. I walked outside this morning fully intending to just become part of the world. There's a natural flow of things and we can't ignore that. Walk outside right now and tell me that things aren't working together. When we run with that flow, we get the best results out of life.

Now I want to point something out, running with the flow of the world does not mean conforming to society. Big difference. What I'm talking about is taking the energy from the movement of the Earth and using it to power yourself. Everything is moving as one, and when you let that movement carry you, you find it's easier to run a day.

So today, walk outside, put on a smile, lift up your feet and just ride where today takes you. Ride to wherever the world takes you. Just ride.

I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I'm riding the flow of the Earth.

And no, I'm not high.
<3

Empty is the sky before the sun wakes up

2010-04-06T20:16:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone =]

I just found a wonderful picture and wanted to post it. If you haven't already, go read my Craig Owens story post. Then you'll get the significance of this.

I just came across the only picture I took during the concert. Makes me a bit sad, but at the same time I'm glad I have at least one. And it really is a beautiful picture. So I just wanted to throw it up here. The overall feeling of this picture really kind of reflects the way I felt about being there, I think. I don't know. Draw your own conclusions

That's about it.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I loved this concert.

Fuck tha police

2010-04-06T18:10:00.001-05:00

Hey kids. Not my usual late night post, right? Weird, huh? Ohwell. I have time.

Eric came out today. We hung out for a while, had some lulz, and he went to work. That kid cracks my shit up. If I were to guess which one of my friends I'd end up crawling under fences and running through fields to kill a coyote with a knife with, I'd guess Eric. And I was right.

But on to more serious things. Kinda. Well today was great. I put on my happy music and my happy face and went along my merry happy way and had me a happy day. It was nice. The only thing I can think to talk about is a thought that crossed my mind this morning: why are people afraid of authority?

It's a big deal. I understand that it's always a good thing to listen to your superiors, follow the laws, etc. But when shit goes down, historically, people will throw away all that they believe in because some wackjob that they think is above them told them to. I asked myself why and I kind of answered it.

Because there's a fine line between rightful defiance and flat out disobedience. Correct? It's a very fine line. If a police officer asks you to pick up a piece of trash, will you do it? Most likely. Did you have to? Not really, but why say no?
If a police officer asks you to throw trash on the ground, will you do it? Maybe. Maybe not. If you say no and he asserts his authority with a raised voice and exaggerated stature, will you do it then? Probably. At that point you'll say, it's not worth it.
If a police officer asks you to hit someone will you? Probably not. If he asserts his authority by getting in your face and putting on his angry face and puts his hand on his gun, would you do it? Most likely.
If a police officer asks you to bash out windows of his car, will you do it? No. That's not right and we know it. If he asserts his authority would you? Still probably not. If he gets in your face, puts on an angry face and puts his hand on his gun, would you? Maybe. That's enough to scare a lot of people into doing it. If he draws his gun and points it at you and demands you punch out a window, will you? Probably. If you still say no and he shoots at your feet, would you? Even more probable.

See where I'm going? Now look back, where was the line?

Food for thought. While you chew that food, I'm going to go get some dinner.

I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I love to see you think. Let me know what you come up with. Am I nuts? Is this just pointless rambling? What do you think?
<3

Shortfalls and little sins. Close calls and no one wins.

2010-04-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

So I just now realized, my titles have this uncanny way of lining up with a particular part of my posts. I'd like to let you know, I don't do that on purpose. I just post a favorite lyric from whatever song I'm listening to at the second I start writing...This freaks me out a bit but it's incredibly cool. Huh...It'll probably stop now that I've noticed. Whatver, ONTOTHEBLOG

Before I tell you the story I promised you last night, I'll tell you about rightnow. I threw out a bunch of applications last weekend and included Wal-Mart in the mix. I'm not sure why because I HATE that store so much. I vowed a few years back that I would never work there, no matter the circumstance. But of course, they're the only ones that called me back. Naturally, right? Great. So I went to the interview anyways, kind of numbed myself saying, "Whatever. It's money. It's a job. No big." I started thinking tonight, and dammit, I WILL NOT take that job! I will NOT accept being boned by some huge corporation that I despise before I even walk in the door. WHY would I sell myself out like that? Wtf am I doing?

I'm the type of guy that doesn't do things by the book. Have you ever hung your head upside down and realized how weird the world looks like that? Or walked in a straight line while looking at everything behind you in a pocket mirror? Things like that, that's what I try to do with everything. See the weird, true side of everything and realize that the world makes a lot more sense when you've seen it from all different ways. Like...Speed limits. When the sign says "Speed Limit 70" You do 70, right? So does everyone else. Think about this, that's the speed LIMIT. Not the slowest we have to drive. Now on highways there are minimum speed limits but even with that, that's a range for you to drive in and it's completely legal. Yet we all push it and do whatever the sign says. We all sit as close to the line as possible. Why? Weird to think of it like that, isn't it? I'd encourage this kind of thinking. Really. Try it. You think of the weirdest stuff like that and you gain a perspective on things that most can't grasp. So back to the point, I look at things weird. So I looked at this as a slippery slope. I'm not going to sell myself out for 7.85 an hour. If I break that value of myself, how many other times in the future will I settle like I almost did with Wal-Mart?

It wouldn't go nice in the long run, I believe. So I decided screw Wal-Mart, I'll do whatever else I have to, I'm not selling myself out. It was a close call. I feel pretty good about it too. I've got another place I should be able to work because my sister is a manager there and loves me so much :)<3 And it'll pay nicer than Wal-Mart so this will all work out nicely. See what happens when we don't settle? When we don't sell out? Good things.

Now, you still wanna know the story I promised? Okay. I'll tell you now. I'll start with some lyrics.

[Part 1]

I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of Suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and Brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

[Part 2: City Of The Damned]

At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 where I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti
In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth
Is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

[Part 3: I don't care]

I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care
[x4]

I don't care

Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care! [x4]

[Part 4: Dearly beloved]

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

[Part 5: Tales of another broken home]

To live and not to breathe
Is to die In tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies

I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run
I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home

You're leaving...
You're leaving...
You're leaving...
Ah you're leaving home...

You with me so far? Mkay, the song is called Jesus of Suburbia. The entire American Idiot album revolves around this character. And through all of the songs I found that I identified with this character on so many different levels. I'd been through some of the same things, I've thought the same thoughts. I mean, you look back on my life, and the album matches it pretty well. Some parts are still coming true. It's funny how it's all worked out and the more time that has passed from the time I got this album six years ago, the more that I've related and really been well represented by JoS.

So I know you think I'm crazy right now but I can't even begin to tell you how serious I am. I still think it's crazy from time to time. But it's not and if it weren't for this record, I don't think I'd have my bestestbestfriend today. I don't know where I'd be without her and I couldn't be more thankful for it. So we call each other Jesus of Suburbia and St. Jimmy because we both identify with it so heavily. We love this album and it's a big part of both of our lives.

SO at the end of each blog post, I sign it with I'm the son of Rage and Love. Which plays out quite true for me if you know my parents. And I feel that's one of the best ways to describe myself. "Describe yourself in one sentence for me." "Um. I'm the motherfucking son of Rage and Love."

Make a little more sense now? Clear as mud? Probably. But I tried. Honestly the only people that have ever understood this fully are my bestfriend and me. We're the only ones that get why we do this. We've tried to explain it before but people just can't grasp it without knowing both of our life stories in detail. So there you have it. That's why. And that's why my name is J of S. :) Cool? I think so. Hell, even dirtytownburningdown.blogspot.com is a reference to this record. It's everywhere. :)

So there you have it. I tried to explain it.

But until next time children, I'm the son of Rage and Love and I love all of you.
<3

To the girl who can't forgive me: Take these misunderstandings and send them back where they came from

2010-04-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

Y'ever feel like life just boned you? Yeah me too.

Not right now. I just felt like asking.

But while we're on the subject, can I tell an interesting story?

You remember Vegas girl? Good. I've been thinking about her lately, wondering if I'll ever meet someone so gloriously crude yet indescribably classy. If I meet another girl like that, I would have another bestfriend. Right then and there. If I met a guy like that, I'm not responsible for anything that might happen.

Y'know what else? I just got the smell of pool water in my nose. Like, nothing smells like pool water, it just popped into my head and I smelled it like it was really here.

Y'know what ELSE? I LIKED IT. Summer will be pleasant :)

So back to Vegas girl. There are so many different traits we shared. It was really, truly, flat out strange. I've never met anyone else like that. Looking back...it was just weird. I'm not sure about something though. I'm not sure if I'm looking back at the things I have in common with her now because of things I picked up with her or if I'm looking back at things I had in common with her then. Know what I mean? I did get a lot from her. My musical taste changed a little bit. I grew up a little bit. Little things. I still do the Dr. Zoidburg from time to time just to freak people out...

*sigh*

Them there, them's was good times. haha

Have you ever wondered about my little Rage and Love thing? Oh you HAVE? I'll devote a post tomorrow to it. :) I'll explain it all. You might like it. You might be offended. You might think, "Yeah he REALLY needs to be committed..." BUTIDON'TCAREIFYOUDON'T

Know what else I love? The bass line in Penelope from Pinback. I adore it. I don't know why. It's the same thing over and over, it's incredibly basic, maybe five notes the whole song. But I just love it. <3

Hell, I just love Penelope. That song...That song in the past maybe...450-500 days has done so much for me. And yes I just counted it like that.

I've gotten a little random tonight, no? Yes. Hrm ba drm. I can't help it. And these are all thoughts just flowing out that I felt like sharing when I should probably be in bed. BUT SERIOUSLY if you don't know Pinback, check it. They're so incredible. I adore two man bands. More than three man bands. But not as much as one man bands. :) I'm a one man band! And I enjoy this fact.

Sigh...

Until more random thoughts pop up, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I'm not too raging right now :)

Is it dropsy? Will your lungs swell? It's depressing me to see you struggle

2010-04-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

So as I sit here listening to Pinback, eating flamingly hot lasagna, I can't help but to think about how much my world view is changing. It really really is. I gave meh bestfriend advice the other day that consisted of "Don't hate people because they're bitches, rather, embrace the difference and love everyone." For any who know me, this is not my outlook on the world. At all. But lately, I've found myself thinking a bit more like that.

Because what good is it if we look at someone who has a nasty habit of being rude and say "I'm going to loathe this person." What good is it? In my mind, it's never gotten me any farther than a stomachache and boiling blood pressure. Why do that? So while debating this to myself, the counter to that has been, "What other option is there?" and thus, I've been searching for this answer. I seem to have found it.

Embrace the difference

Screw this hate noise. I want people to look at me and go, "There's a guy I could be friends with. He's different and dammit, I'm going to be friends with him." It doesn't always work like that but you know what? If I want that from people, I should probably give it back to them. There are always underlying causes to the ways people act. More severe ones are buried a bit deeper and will never change. Like Windows. You can give it a fancy new name, look, and attitude, but when you're around it long enough, dammit it still sucks.

BUT for most, that's not the case. It'll be little things, and I've been critical of them when I could've been looking at them as beautiful beautiful differences. So now I do, and it's amazing how the world looks. I have a completely changed perspective of people. I can look at them and not instantly judge. It's...it's rather nice. I've found myself seeing developing friendships with people that I'd otherwise closed off because I didn't see that what we had in common was difference. Once you discover that you open up this world of things that you like about a person that you never thought you'd like. It's incredible.

Now here's my goal while I'm experimenting with this: don't lose myself. I do NOT want to get tangled up in the crap of the world like I have been before. I've lived relatively free from most DRAMA drama for a few years now. It's been nice and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose my individuality. I hate being like anyone else. I actually have a nasty habit for intentionally trying to change things if six million other people start doing the same thing. Like if I like this coolfun band, then they get played on MTV once and everyone goes nuts for them, I'm done. I don't associate with that band anymore. I suppose I could work on that. I just don't want to lose my individuality.

So here's to the future. One of many new friendships and opportunities that would have previously been lost upon petty judgements.

Except Nickelback. I still hate them. :D

'Til next time, kiddies, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and I love you.

But seriously, fuck nickelback...

And I don't know why I breathe, it's taking too long for me. Can we speed up the process, please? Or show me the one I need.

2010-04-03T23:54:00.001-05:00

^^^ Freaking <3 Isles & Glaciers.

ASAMATTEROFFACT I love Craigery motherloving Owens even more.

Can I please devote ~~the first half of~~ this entire blog to talking about him? You won't regret reading it. I'll make it interesting. He's interesting enough to hold your attention.

Let's start with this: I would not be here if it were not for Craigery Owens. I would have ended it. Plain and simple. He has flat out saved my life. I saw someone else go through the same stuff I was in and make it through. I almost lost my biggest influence, my freaking hero, because he tried to take his own life. In that moment, I realized that was not an option. Because you never know who's life it would crush.

I love this man for so many different reasons. Can I start with how I know of him?

MKAY credit where credit is due. Kids name was Jordon. First time I ever heard the name Chiodos was when I read it on his shirt early tenth grade. Listened to them a bit. Fell in love. I started learning about their lead singer, Craigery. I started to read his blog, keep up with what he was doing, read his lyrics a little more seriously and realize that they had a big impact on my heart. It was love at first sight. His voice made me so happy. His words spoke to me. Chiodos was my new favorite band.

So I wanted to see them SO FREAKING BAD. I can't even describe to you how much I'd wanted to see him. I will never forget the day I casually jumped onto the Cains website to see who would be playing in the upcoming months. I'm scrolling through and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the word 'Chiodos'. I'll never forget. I'll never forget what I did immediately afterwards either. Bit my hand as hard as I could, trying not to scream in class, and slammed my head on the desk. I waited 30 minutes for break, bolted into the hallway and called my bestfriend and almost cried exclaiming that I WAS GOING TO GET TO SEE CHIODOS. The day tickets went on sale, I bought one that day. That feeling was incredible. The closer it got to October 28th, the more excited I got. Then I hatched this crazy plan. I did a little research. Found out that this man that meant so much to me was meetable, for lack of a better word. People had found him at coffee shops and such around their city the day of shows. Well I was at damn school until 2:40. SO my plan was to get there RIGHTAFTERSCHOOL and hang around, poke around the Cains, poke around downtown, see what I could find. I decided, I was not going home until I got a picture with my Craigery. Crazy right? You don't even know. Well I'm crazy for him.

So I go to pick up my bestfriend right after school, we speed to the Cains and there's already a damn line. Shit. So in order to secure my place, I abandoned all hope of meeting him and parked and just jumped to the back of the line of maybe 20 people at the time. I waited out there with two close friends for something like 2, 2 1/2 hours. Then we got to go in. I sort of gave up hope of meeting him. I was crushed, but I was picked back up for the most part by the fact that I was going to get to see them. OMFG RIGHT?!

Concert starts, during the openers, we'd worked our way up to the very front, dead center. Separated from the barrier by one couple of people. OHWELL. Lights dim, opening song starts, I screamed louder than I've ever screamed in my life. I surged forward partially from force of the crowd, mostly from my own excitement. I crushed my bestfriend, whom I'd forced to be in front of my so I could protect her, into the chick in front of us. I don't remember a thing from that moment except for the band coming out during the buildup to the first song. The drums starting, and Craigery walking out. He takes the mic, takes a good look at the crowd, then leans down and screams in my face as I scream the words back at him.

MY EYES ARE GLISTENING WITH THE GHOSTS OF MY PAST

And I remember feeling like I could explode from the excitement

THE MEMORIES, THAT, WE ONCE, HAAAAAAAAD

And it slows down a little and I shouted back at him

Now that you've turned the world against me, I'm only trying to win them back

WITH MY EYES SEWN SHUT, TO SHUT DOWN AND BATHE IN THESE WORDS ABOUT ME. AND NOW YOU'RE STANDING ALONE WITH YOUR EYES TO THE SUN. STANDING ALONE. WITH YOUR. EYES. TO. THE SUUUN.

And so it went on. For about 5 songs, when I realized I was violently dehydrated and couldn't take it anymore. The combination of the movement, lack of fluids all day, and shouting, had me about ready to pass out. I bailed before it got bad. We went to the back and I got some water and was severely disappointed. You see, I had one more goal, to touch this mans ass. It was still possible even though I wasn't going to meet him because he pulls this move at every concert:

And dammit, I WAS GOING TO TOUCH HIS ASS.

Now since I'd bailed, that one wasn't possible either. As I was turned around buying my water, I heard the crowd get exponentially louder. I turn around to find this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOO I MISSED IT

I almost had nothing to live for at that point. Well...that's how it felt at the time. :) So I stand at the back of the crowd and I rocked the fuck out with my two good friends and we had a grand time regardless. Then he starts saying this is their last song and such and then I hear the golden words. "If you want, you can come back to the merch table after the show and chill with us, just give us about five minutes to clean up and we'll be back there."

I remember shitting myself in that moment...

So we waited. I was last in line so I could have the most amount of time with him. :)

We got up there, and the first thing I did was rock my girlfriend(at the time)'s world. She couldn't make it to that show and she was extremely upset about it. She collects dollars that people she loves have signed for her. She wanted me to get a dollar signed by him if I succeeded on my mission of meeting him. I said, "I'm going to get him to call you. :)" She didn't believe me. I called her when it was our turn, I said, "Hey, uh, I know you couldn't make it and how upset you are and I got a friend here that wants to say something to you. " I handed him the phone, quickly explained the situation, and he left her a voicemail. :) Then I got the dollar signed, got my ticket signed, and got my picture with him. <3

Do I not look positively terrified to be in his presence? I was :)

I still have it :):):)

Ohmygoodness. Sorry I rambled about that. It was just absolutely one of...no...the single greatest moment of my life. UNTIL spring break. '09. I met him again. Cha. Drove to fucking Corpus Christi with my bestfriend Christi to see him at the House of Rock. Yes yes. I was positively psyched for this because it was one of his solo shows. I knew I was going to get to meet him again. And this time I was going to tell him how much he meant to me, everything like that. I was going to actually talk to him. Because I was too terrified to do it the first time and dammit, I was going to Corpus Christi to freaking see him and I was NOT going to not take full advantage of that.

I also had a teeny tiny side goal to touch his ass this time too. hahaha

So we drove there, checked into our hotel, went to the House of Rock, and saw him. While one of the three openers was playing, Craigery walked through the room (it was a tiny place and there were maybe 30 people there) to go out back for whatever reason. I was getting some shit signed by The Gay Blades for my OTHER friend Christy that couldn't come. Craigery bumps in to me and says, "Whoa, sorry. 'Sup dude?" I shat myself, and just sat there, mouth agape, so he continued on his merry way. FUCK NOT AGAIN AGHHHHH THAT WAS MY CHANCE. After the show...after the show...

So after the show he invites everyone to come chill out back with him, he'll play some songs and sign shit and we'll all just hang out. Shat myself again. Christi goes back to the hotel, I stay. We're all outside waiting on him and maybe 10 people were left by the time he came out. So he comes out and just hangs out with us. I get him to sign my ticket and take a picture with me:

This was the first one that was taken and I was like oh HELL no. I am getting a good picture with you if it kills me!! So he goes, "Lets try again" So we do. The result:

Now I want you to notice something...look at my arm...where's it going? GOAL ACCOMPLISHED AND CAPTURED IN A PHOTO FOREVER. :D Touched his butt :) and got a picture with me genuinely smiling and not looking terrified.

So we get that done and we start talking and I yawned and he said something along the lines of "Too late for you?" and I said "My bestfriend and I got up at like 4 and left at 5 in the morning to drive here from Tulsa, Oklahoma and we barely made it in time for the show."

He looked at me for a second, eyes wide, and said the words that changed my life, "I fucking love you. Give me a hug right now."

So I did and I melted and probably 5 years were added to my life that night. I told him everything he'd done for me and such and how much he meant to me and begged him to never stop what he did. I went back to the hotel and slept better than I have in years.

So there it is. There are my Craigery stories. :)

Thank you immensely if you read the whole thing. See, wasn't it fun? Probably not...but thanks for reading anyways. :)

This subject always makes me so freaking happy. And I've needed that recently. So I'll post about the latest goings on in the next one, kay? Promise. It'll either be right now, or tomorrow morning.

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I love Craig Owens. And you. :)

<3 night...maybe

I AM BACK MOTHERLICKERS

2010-04-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd waste a blog post saying that while I type my new one. It's coming. It'll be up tonight. :)

In the meantime, uhm...here's...this...assortment of random pictures I took with my phone within the past few months :D

Since they don't have a place in any other post...

We'll start with this bitchin' stack of routers at tech that have been so excellently labeled.

And here's a picture of a dolphin licking Peter Griffin's tit.

This is a picture of a very happy wolf :)

This is a shopping cart buried in snow in front of Guitar Center XD

That's meh puppy covered in snow cause he's a bit ridiculous

This is when my back window shattered out while I was scraping ice. :D

This is what I did to fix it til I got a new back hatch :D :D

This is two rainbows I spotted by our gate

And these are my friend's awesome leggings that I'm sort of jealous of. Shh..don't tell. haha

This is some rad ass barbecue in Dallas

Here's an update on the silly flowers. THEY FREAKING LIVED

This is a bathroom door at Riverwalk XD

This is the freaking legit faucet...type...thing my dad installed on our sink(which is also legit. see above picture) when he remodeled the bathroom.

And finally this is the gorgeous green with black racing stripes camaro they're thinking about buying. In all likelihood, this is what they're getting. YAY..*cough*

So that's about it...yeah. I'll slap up my other one in a few.

Until then,

I'm the son of Rage and Love and I love you all :D

I've tried my hardest to forget every connection. Always being the blind villain.

2010-03-25T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'd like to kick this post off by saying thank you to the handful who have read my posts and been nice about it.

That being said, I'd like to now use this sentence to say FUCK YOU to whoever told my mother that I'm gay. I have a pretty good feeling I know exactly who it is. I could very well be wrong but either way, FUCK YOU. Can I explain now? Cool.

So this morning, my mom comes in and wakes me up and we have a little talk. Someone has just informed her that I've posted something about me being gay and dumping my girlfriend for that reason. So mom misses work to have this talk, and I'm not getting valuable sleep. Josh = very pissed at this point. Then as I start finding out what's been said, I start to get more furious. Then something hits me, >>this is something that should be discussed between my mother and me. No other party should be involved in me telling her I'm gay<<
I actually had a timeline for handling this with her and it involved her NOT risking her job because some inconsiderate bitch took it upon themselves to tell her. Apparently you did not know that she didn't know. Or at least that what my mother passed on to me. BULL FUCKING SHIT. You're full of it and I know it. You're a psychopathic bitch who feeds off of ruining other peoples lives, aren't you? Of course you are because you wouldn't interfere in MY life unless you had a good reason to try to fuck with me, right? I'd assume so. I don't give a damn what anybody says, whoever this person was was not doing this out of 'care'. They were doing it out of spite. And that fucking disgusts me. You're a lowlife piece of shit and you know it. You apparently don't have anything better to do than to put yourself in anyone's business and you sicken me.

THAT SAID, does everyone understand WHY I'm pissed off here? This fucked up a lot of shit for a lot of people and it didn't need to be done. I'm beyond livid. I'm all for loving and forgiving people, I really am. But this...this is NOT something that I can just ignore.

Whoever you may be, I hope you're reading this. I really do. Because I want you to know that just because I put my thoughts out here, doesn't give you a right to smack my family in the face with it. I understand that things on the internet are public and anyone can see it. I get that. I actually encourage my mom to read this. But for the love of God you were doing this strictly to be a bitch.

Here's where I'm going to jump into hot water and frankly, I don't give a good god damn. Another concern of this person was the way that I addressed my situation with my recent ex on Facebook. Let me just address that right now, I HAVE NOT ADDRESSED THAT SITUATION ON FACEBOOK EVER. So there's that whole 'you're full of shit' thing again. Weird how wrong this person is. At all times. ANYWAYS knowing that last night's blog was PROBABLY the source of that 'concern', again, you're full of shit. Let me quote a bit here.

TheBreakup

I loved the girl. I still do. Just not like that. And it broke my heart to figure that out. So after a year and a half I had to break this news to her. She took it better than I did. Now, I obviously don't know how she truly feels inside. She insisted that she was fine, which is usually a sign of the inverse. But there's a point where me pushing for true feelings makes things worse so I left it alone and have rolled around in that for a few days. I felt filthy. I felt like a fucking bastard. I felt like I'd led her on. I felt fucking terrible. I'm still fighting some of these feelings but for the most part I've gotten better and am doing okay now.

So the fact that all of this went down, I accept my sexuality, I break up with my girlfriend, and then I find that collage. It's been hurting a bit. And I won't lie, I've shed a few tears. As a brilliant man once said, "Forgetting you but not the time."
That's essentially where I am. I want that damned feeling back.

That's from last night. Does anyone see anything negative being said about my ex? Did I even say her goddamn name? No. Actually I said, "I loved the girl. I still do. Just not like that. And it broke my heart to FIGURE THAT OUT" MEANING THIS WASN'T PREMEDITATED YOU FUCKING HILLBILLY RETARD.

ALSO: "But there's a point where me pushing for true feelings makes things worse so I left it alone and have rolled around in that for a few days. I felt filthy. I felt like a fucking bastard. I felt like I'd led her on. I felt fucking terrible." UH, what??? CLEARLY I'm being too whateverthefuck to her. CLEARLY I don't give a shit about her and just come on here to post dirty lies about her. CLEARLY that's what that says.

AND: "So the fact that all of this went down, I accept my sexuality, I break up with my girlfriend, and then I find that collage. It's been hurting a bit. And I won't lie, I've shed a few tears." Well in this one, I think the undertone is that my ex girlfriend was just an experiment and I didn't care for her at all. CLEARLY THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

IN CONCLUSION, whoever you are, fuck off and die. Die in a fire. Fall off of a cliff. May a plane fall upon your house. Whatever it may be, I'm not pleased with your existence right now and I'm not going to try to hide it one bit. Because NOTHING gives you the right to do that to my mother. When you fuck with my mommy, I'll fuck your face up. That was NOT COOL AT ALL. Not one fucking bit. That is a conversation between her and me and you have nothing to do with it. You're a dirty piece of shit and I really despise you right now.

And now that I've said THAT, I'd also like to say that my mother and I had that whole conversation and everything turned out just peachy. We had our dialog and now we're fine. She's perfectly okay with it as is everyone else. So now that we're living our happy life, may you rot in your cage anonymous dirtbag of the internet. Plan = FAILED.

I'm done yelling in this post. I'm done. I think I got my point across and I'm finished.

Until next time kiddies, I'm the son of Rage and Love, and iloveyouall<3
(except you. you know who you are. go suck a whale dick, jackass.)

<3 :)

We found the ground but that damage was done

2010-03-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

Since I completely skipped yesterday and seem to have forgotten to hop on here today, I'm going to try to make this one a bit longer. But it'll be fun. So hop on.

I'd tell you about yesterday but I don't remember shit from it. Eric came over and we got the speakers in his car working again...I think that's about all that happened. TODAY, we rewired his stereo. Fun stuffs :) But as far as goings on, that's about it. You're not interested in all the details right? (except for the fact that he backed into one of our driveway tree's and probably killed it..)

On to more serious business. I've kind of had a heavy heart for the past two days. Yesterday I found an old...memory that I hide behind my bed. It's nothing terrible, just a big framed collage that an ex made for me. It has all of these greatfun pictures of her and me and neat little quotes and glitter and a wonderful letter written on the back. I really don't like putting this out there but what good is it going to do me if I keep it in? Plus, if I do, it defeats the purpose of this completely. This is my place to spill my feelings, no matter who reads it or how they feel about it. So here we go.

There are two people on this Earth that I have connected to on a 'forever' kind of level. Ever. One actually tore me from the other. I don't feel like talking about one so we'll talk about the one that made the collage. She was...well she was from a little town called Las Vegas. I don't know what it was about her...I know the majority of things but I still don't know what it is about her that has me to this very day. If I think for a second I can remember how long it's been...It's been about two years since she left. SO...she was...God...I don't know where to start. I don't want to sit here and make her out as the most perfect girl in the world or some horseshit like that because frankly, no one is. So I won't sit here and ramble about her, I'll just tell you what happened in a nutshell. We were together for a handful of months. I don't even remember how many anymore. Then in January '08 she left to go back to Vegas, finish high school there with her friends, and go to UNLV. You can't blame someone for following their dreams and what they believe in. Things fell apart. Here we are. Haven't talked to her in lord knows how long. Don't know what's up with her. Didn't think I cared. Then I found that.

I've sworn up and down I was over her but FUCK am I?? I've had a recent little crisis which I may dive into towards the end of this but I really don't need this on top of that one. I don't. But I look at that and I think, what did I do to fuck that up? Then I answer that question. And I don't fully blame myself. I don't. I know that there are things I could have done differently. I know I could have been a little less hostile about her wanting to go to LV. But all these things I could have changed, I don't know if that would have changed the final outcome. Who can know? What should it matter? I don't know. I just know that that was the only girl I've ever thought about seriously not letting go. Not fucking once. I didn't question it. Something just clicked that has been different from everything else I've ever had...And it fucking kills me. I wonder, why did I get to taste that so early in life? Because once you get it, you have a very hard time living without it. You seek desperately to replace it. But there's no replacing it unless you find that with someone else.

Now I'm beginning to question if that's even possible. I know that it fucking blows ass not having it anymore. I can clearly remember how she made me feel...I know that I need to never forget that. I know I need to compare that feeling to anything else I get because I really don't want to settle for anything less. I couldn't if I tried. But now I'm crawling on my hands and knees praying for that. I want it so bad it's tearing me the fuck up inside.

Now if you think I'm being melodramatic at this point, stop reading, fuck you. I'm spilling my true blue guts here. Nothing melodramatic at all. So if you don't like it so far, give up now, you'll probably hate the second part worse.

Second part, I think I'm going to spill my latest 'crisis'. Last week I finally stopped blocking my thoughts and feelings and began to sort through this overflowing inbox of shit to try and figure something very important out. On a basic level, without typing out three more paragraphs, my sexuality. I've always identified myself as bisexual. Whoopdiedoo, no one gives a flying fuck. But I started thinking about it, and I began to think I've been lying to myself. So last week I had a hefty breakdown. As much as I don't want to be someone that says your sexuality completely defines your identity, you look me in the eye and tell me that it's not a HUGE part of who you are. Deep down, what are we programmed to do? Eat, breathe, and fuck. The third one is a problem if you don't know what you like to fuck. I'm getting crude here. I'm trying to hold that back a bit in this blog just cause...there's usually no need for it. But fuck it, I don't give a damn right now. So, not knowing that was a gigantic crisis in my head. I was having a war with myself.

I was beginning to think that I was gay. Flat out 100% gay. Which wouldn't have been as big of a problem if i hadn't had a girlfriend for a year and a half. My final conclusion was an affirmative. I am gay. I won't label myself as bisexual anymore because I'm hardly sexually attracted to women, if at all. I'm sexually attracted to guys, and on a deep down level, I've always connected with boyfriends better than girlfriends. So after wrestling it and finally coming to this conclusion, the hard part followed.

TheBreakup

I loved the girl. I still do. Just not like that. And it broke my heart to figure that out. So after a year and a half I had to break this news to her. She took it better than I did. Now, I obviously don't know how she truly feels inside. She insisted that she was fine, which is usually a sign of the inverse. But there's a point where me pushing for true feelings makes things worse so I left it alone and have rolled around in that for a few days. I felt filthy. I felt like a fucking bastard. I felt like I'd led her on. I felt fucking terrible. I'm still fighting some of these feelings but for the most part I've gotten better and am doing okay now.

So the fact that all of this went down, I accept my sexuality, I break up with my girlfriend, and then I find that collage. It's been hurting a bit. And I won't lie, I've shed a few tears. As a brilliant man once said, "Forgetting you but not the time."
That's essentially where I am. I want that damned feeling back.

So now that I've spilled my heart, I'm actually feeling a little dizzy. I don't know. I'm already forgetting how I wanted to end this post. So fuck it...I ended up here. Now you know. That's what's happening. That's me.

OH and to all of you who may think that homosexuality means that someone is attracted to EVERY member of their sex, go fall in a hole. You're retarded. I've had to explain this to too many people. It goes like this: Are you interested in every girl you see? No. Am I interested in every guy I see? No. I have likes and dislikes and it's entirely possible to be friends with straight guys. So FUCK you. I'm every bit as normal as you are.

And I don't want to catch shit about why I "chose" this. Believe me, I didn't. Why the fuck would I? It's caused me so much shit, I wouldn't think twice about changing it. But I can't. I'm made this way. I've always worked this way, as far back as I can remember. Ohwell. I live with it. Not the end of the world.

Any more bigotry I should address? I don't think so. I didn't mean to get hateful there...that's just been pissing me off and the two go hand in hand. So fuck it. I'm done for now.

I'm the motherfucking son of Rage and Love and Iloveyouall<3

Thank you for paying attention if you actually did. And thank you in advance for not making a big deal about this. <3

That's the beauty of waking up underwater

2010-03-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

First off, I'm freaking exhausted. I'm not sure why. I haven't been sleeping too well lately....well I lied...I think I do know why. I just don't know why I'm not sleeping. It's retarded. I'll come home after Tech and take a nap and want to die when I wake up, then I can't sleep that night at all. I'M BROKEN. Such is life.

So I wanted to hit a particular subject tonight. Not in as much detail as I can and will later but I just want scratch the surface a bit. Anxiety. A lot of people get anxious about certain things sometimes. Fewer people are anxious about everything always. I'm one of those fewer people. I've wrestled with this for as long as I can remember. I'm one messed up cookie. My bestfriend has quite a load of anxiety herself. We help each other through our stresses and worries and we've conquered a lot together. But enough about us, I want to talk about a few specific things.

A. I want to start with some of my biggest fears. I think the first is anything infinite. It sounds weird but anytime I think about the universe or time or something unfathomable like that, I slip into a panic attack. It freaks me out and I don't really have any reason for it to. This one is really bad because I can start thinking about it anytime and anything can trigger it. Weird right? But that's the first one. Second is large crowds of people in small areas. I get suffocated and get frustrated with people and end up freaking out on someone. Again, weird right? This happened at Whole Foods right before Thanksgiving. It's not the biggest store in the world and it was PACKED. Didn't end well. I think I'll leave it at that.

B. The ways to deal with these. All fear can be overcome by self talk and realizing the irrationality of your fears. Or at least put on hold. When I start flipping out, I've gotten to the point where I can simply change the subject and get rid of it. There's no reason to worry about time being infinite. It doesn't matter, does it? No. So why am I hyperventilating? --over-- It works, try it. Self talk is one of the hardest things to master and I only got good at it in my senior year. I started trying around sixth grade. It took me six years but I can now manage these things much better. But being in control of your mind like that is near impossible. It takes so much work and focus. But it's also so worth it. Give it a shot.

C. Whenever you worry about something happening in the current moment, something very real, something very rational, you can't get anything done while freaking, right? Say you have a big paper due. It's freakout time. Telling yourself that there's no reason to worry about a paper probably isn't going to work and probably isn't even true. So what can you do? At this point, you think about what stressing and not working is going to do for you. Take you in a big circle, right? It's vicious. But if you can see that cycle starting right there and stop it and stop yourself from procrastinating, it gets done, and your worry goes away. What I'm saying is if something very present is bothering you, the only way to rid yourself of it is to face it, take care of it, and move on. Next thing you know, nothing's wrong at all. Great, right?

I think that's where I want to leave off on this scratch of the surface. I might talk about my more recent stresses later and how I dealt with them. Maybe tomorrow. Should I? Probably. SO I'll leave it there. Feel free to tell me about your anxieties or how you deal with them.

I'll start working on my next post while I'm trying to stay awake til 9. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep then. *crosses fingers* I'll see you cool cats tomorrow.

Love ALL of you <3

OH one last note, because this is fucking pissing me off like SDFJGHEIUHSF. I just feel like ranting here. My seatbelt in my car won't come unlatched unless I beat it with the handle of my ice scraper multiple times. It took me three minutes to get out of my car today at the gas station. But I don't want to die so I continue using it. The flipside of that is, if I get in a fiery wreck, I'm dead. So I'm a bit scared. I think I'll try to fix it tomorrow, yes? Right. Well now that that's off of my chest...

NIGHT (hopefully)

<3

Shredded by state lines

2010-03-22T16:20:00.000-05:00

How about an update on today so far? Sound good? YOU PUMPED!?

Today has been excellent so far. Aside from tech. Just the whole early thing...it blows. But other than that...

After Tech I went over to see my grandparents. Grandma made me a quilt and I went to pick it up and chill with them for a little while. Grandma also tends to have troubles with computers. Like most would, I suppose. But she's just afraid to play with it or at least she has been. She's gotten way better since I was last over there, but it's been a while. She's surfing the web like a pro now..almost. Haha I really enjoyed helping her though. It gave us something to do together and helped her out. It made me smile how thrilled she was with simple things like deleting shortcuts or getting back to the Facebook homepage without closing Internet Explorer. She's got a good basic knowledge now and really does great. I love her so much :) Grandpa is repainting their bathroom slowly but surely. He's always doing something. The men on my dads side of the family ALWAYS have their hands in something. We're natural tinkerers I guess. But he's doing pretty well. He can't move the best but he's so determined to work on things, he won't slow down. Much. He likes doing things himself and will continue to as long as he can. He's a neat grandpa and Ilovehimtoo:)

So I had a wonderful time over there. I really should go over more. It makes them extravagantly happy. Every time I would see them at birthday parties or something they'd say how they miss me and want to see me more. They know their house is right next to the Creek Turnpike and that I take that to and from Tech and pass their house every day. It makes them sad and it makes me sad. I've been meaning to go forever and I'm glad I finally did. My dad told me, "You'll want to take advantage of opportunities like that because they won't always be around. They're getting older. Your other grandpa died a few years ago and he was younger, you're lucky to still have them." He has a way of making sense in his own gloom and doom sort of way and I love that too. I didn't used to but I've realized how much he has to offer and have started to accept it and listen to him more. I'll ramble about that some later day.

SO I got to see them for a bit and we were all so very happy and it was great. I left after a few hours because I had to take care of a transcript at the high school for NSU while I still could. So I took off and took care of that and came home. Now here's part two of today. Driving home, it was beautiful outside. It still is. So I took a few pictures and then walked around the house a little and took pictures of all of that. I figure I'll share some of that.

It just goes on forever. It's incredible.

This is about how much snow we got in the highest parts. Quite a bit. Then today it's freaking 70. Well maybe not that high. But still.

We practically have rivers of runoff everywhere

That's the source of the one above. It comes all the way around the barn

Update on the silly flowers, they're dying. Quickly. It's sad =/

We have a nice river of runoff by the gate

I may complain about living out here sometimes but the view is just spectacular.

Here's the freaking lake in our back yard. It's only going to get worse.

Another lake

Then there's Bubba. Best dog ever :)

So that's a pretty solid update on what's happened so far today. I'll be back with seriousness later. Until then, I'm the son of Rage and Love and I love you <3

One last thought before bed

2010-03-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

God knows I hate having to get up early, but it must be done. Which means I need to get my ass to bed like...right now. But before I do, I figured I'd post one more time.

I'll just ramble about happenings of late. Today was the last day of my spring break which was almost uneventful. I say almost because two plans got destroyed and a third popped up at the last second. I went to Dallas with my mother and a friend of mine and stayed with an old friend of mom's. I must say, I had a blast. I couldn't recall highlights if I tried. But the house we stayed in was awesome, we had good times just chilling in Dallas, and we tried to do Six Flags...epic fail....

Though, the most eventful thing was most likely driving home yesterday. We cut our plans short and headed out at about 7 A.M. to try and avoid as much of the snowbarf as possible. We made it a little ways back into Oklahoma before we hit it. That was probably around 9 or 10. It took us an extra two hours to get home, six hours total. It turned into a complete blizzard. Roads were horrible horrible horrible and visibility was shit. It scared the hell out of me. The whole thing was very tense and stressful and it was on top of only two hours of sleep. Needless to say, I slept quite a bit after we got home.

Today was spent mostly laying around enjoying my last day without responsibility. I even put off taxes for an extra day :) As you can tell, I threw up a few blogs to get started, and that's about it. Laid on my ass playing The Sims 3 and watching TV. Living the dream, right? I thought so.

I have several things on my mind I want to share but it's not the right time yet. So I'll wait til tomorrow. Keep my imaginary readers on their toes. :D

So until tomorrow, I'm the Son of Rage and love, and it's sleepytime <3

Silly flowers

2010-03-21T20:55:00.000-05:00

I came across this today as I was sweeping snow off of my car. I'm not sure what it was about this but...It's just beautiful. You can get some melodramatic meaning out of it or you can just appreciate the contrast of the colors mother nature gives us. I did a little of both. Either way, you can't deny, it's beautiful.

And tragic. They're dead now, right after they bloomed. Sigh...silly flowers. You should wait longer in Oklahoma. You know that.