As a Life Change Catalyst Coach for the last 22 years, I’ve worked with moms and dads, children, teenagers, married couples, singles, abused women and men, handicapped, gay, straight, bi-sexual, and just about every other “type” of person out there.

But the ones that get to me the most are the mistreated children and the adults who were mistreated as children.

In no way is this an article on the “horrible bad people who beat on kids”.

This article is about what I see happening in our societies today as we continue with the needed isolation during this pandemic.

Most people are trying their best to comply while learning how to deal with lives that are nothing like we’ve seen before.

We are scared and worried. We read or know of people dying daily. We are stressed about our health, our livelihoods, our children, family members and friends. We are anxious and we’re tired. We’re so tired of living like this and yet we don’t know when it will stop.

This kind of juggling and adapting to the craziness of this whole thing is a huge stressor. And when people get stressed, they often act in ways they normally wouldn’t.

I’m daily seeing and hearing the fallout of this stress in the response of parents to one another and to their children. Adults are on edge and overwhelmed and their ability to respond calmly to children’s need and demands is getting stretched pretty thin. And kids are, at least unconsciously, aware of their parents anxiety which in turn fuels their fears and anxiety.

And…..because we love our kids, in our hearts we want to be the “perfect parent”.  But there are no “perfect parents”.

And we can help ourselves.

While raising my daughter, I had an epiphany during a fight with her. It was the typical fight of going over and over the same things and getting nowhere. And I was getting angry and stressed about it. Suddenly, out of the blue, the thought came into mind—what result did I want of this fight? It was like someone splashed cold water in my face. And I realized that all I really wanted was to love my daughter, keep her safe and help her.

Immediately, I calmed down. I felt like my fairy godmother had tapped me with her wand and completely changed my energy. No longer angry, my stress faded away and I calmly told her to just stop for a minute. At first, she thought I was being argumentative but realized how calm I was, and she calmed down.

From there we were able to resolve the issue with no anger or stress.

I know this situation we’re in is causing you to be stressed, upset, angry and a myriad of other negative emotions. And I know that you love your children and want the best for them. How you handle this event is teaching them how to handle things in their lives.

What if the next time you start to get mad, at the end of you rope or just tired of it all, you reminded yourself of what you want the end result to be. It takes some willpower to “be that adult” but I know that anyone who is willing can do it. Focusing on the end result is more important than trying to win a fight. As parents, our job is not to win fights but to teach our children how to handle life’s ups and down.

Take a deep breath……think of the outcome you want…..and relax. You can do this!

For more information on how to handle things in your life go to: https://www.debrafentress.com/Articles.html

If you’d like to talk, you can call me at (818) 422-2474 or email at: Debra@DebraFentress.com

There’s a lot of fear involved with this thing. It’s such an unknown, can happen really fast and we’re not used to being so isolated. It’s like we don’t have any more support systems.

And unfortunately, we’ve had contradictory and sometimes very dangerous news related to it.

One problem with fear is what happens to our bodies when we feel it. Did you know our bodies release 1400 physical and chemical reactions as well as hormones when we get stressed or fearful? And even when the fear or stress stops our bodies will still continue to produce adrenaline and cortisol, which affects blood pressure, impairs our memory and immune response, there are digestion problems, blood sugar instability and high levels of cholesterol!

There are many places you can go online and find the typical stress response and fear tips.

BUT…..instead of talking about the general things you can do, I’d like to approach this using tested methods from Neuro Linguistic Programming, Medical Hypnosis, Neural Pathway Restructuring and spirituality.

Even though some of these seem so simple they still work!

One of the best tips you can use if you keep running fearful thoughts in your head is to pay attention to what you’re thinking. The minute you hear yourself saying things like:

“What if I get it? (or he/she or my child or my parent) Before going any further with the thought, say very loudly in your head “STOP!” If you do it again….say “STOP!”

Then, replace that thought with another on a more rational note. For instance: “I don’t have it! I’m doing everything I know that will help keep me well. I will stay healthy!”

You might have to do this several times before you stop the negative chatter.

This process eventually stops the repetitive thoughts and it also, unconsciously, gives us a sense of control over the situation. That’s a part of the issue with this virus. We feel like so much is out of our control. So anything we can do to feel like we’re actually doing something will help us handle it.

Another thing you can do to feel in control of this is to use self hypnosis. Hypnosis has had a bad rap for awhile but now hospitals and doctors are using it, first responder units use it and many coaches and therapists do so as well.

It’s not a trick. It’s a way to talk with and utilize the amazing ability of our body and mind.

You can use this simple process to de-stress, begin to “see” your body as a vibrant healthy organism or just as a break from all the craziness.

Go somewhere you can relax and not be disturbed. If it’s not a quiet place, then if possible, wear headphones. Noise really isn’t an issue….I’ve done this sitting at the entrance to Toon Town at Disneyland!

Take a few slow deep breaths. You might try breathing in slowly and then exhale, taking twice as long to do so. After about 5 of these you’re ready for the next step. Now, as you continue to breathe slowly and deliberately, pay attention to how, when you breath in, you can feel the relaxation start at the top of your head and move down your body. You might have to do several of these breaths to get all the way down your body.

Once you’ve got the hang of it……in your mind begin imagining that as your breath moves through and down your body it’s pushing all the stress, unease and fear further and further down your body and out the bottom of your feet. Keep this imagery up until you can feel that there is no more stress or fear sitting in your body.

Then sit with it or just slowly bring yourself back to “reality”.

If you’re more inclined toward the spirituality technique, follow the above to the “next step”.  And then:

…….Focus your attention on the area just above your head. Imagine you can feel a vibrating healing energy of the universe. You might even see it as a shimmering green ball of light. Now as you continue with your slow and deep breaths, imagine this ball of green healing energy of the universe flowing slowly down into your head, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, hips, legs and feet. As you do so, notice that you can also see all the cells in your body beginning to glisten with vibrant health. Not only do they glisten with health they begin to vibrant with it as well.

You can continue this for a while, allowing the energy to just melt into your body as it becomes a greenish glistening body of healthy energy.

Focus on the idea that your cells are healthy and vibrant. Continue with this until you’re ready to come back into the room.

Just to give you an idea of how impactful these techniques can be—when I was in my twenties I was diagnosed with cancer. I had recently completed a course in some of these techniques by an amazing teacher. She had us test our abilities to alter our body’s responses by hooking us up to various machines and then having us change our blood pressures, our heart rate and also our brain waves. I figured if I could do that I could heal myself of cancer. And I did! ( much to the surprise of my doctor) To this day I never had any more cancer.

If you would like more information or suggestions or if you need some help, please contact me at (818) 422-2474 or email me at debra@neuralpathwayrestructuring.com

Stay Well!

We all go through these periods in our lives.

And we’re stuck because all the “stuff “surrounding that “stuckness” is retained all the way down into the cellular level.

Did you know our cells are constantly talking with one another…and our brains are in on it? Our cells are directing our actions, thoughts, feelings, and even our beliefs. The implication of this is we have the potential for change.

That “stuckness” you feel is based on repetitive neural pathways you run which are triggered by anchors. Anchors are responses linked to a stimulus (a trigger) which causes a knee jerk reaction or behavior. Most of these anchors and behaviors are out of our awareness. They become second nature to us.

For instance:
• Some food smells can make you think of your mother because she used to make that particular food.
• A specific song can bring back memories of good or bad events.
• The sound of someone’s voice can make you think of someone else.

Again, this is usually out of our awareness. We just react to all of it.
And, when we get in a rut, we’re running specific neural pathways of behavior which keep us there by constantly repeating the same unwanted behaviors. Many people try and muscle through it…..berating themselves to do the desired behaviors. Sometimes this work but usually it only works for awhile and we’re right back where we started, except by then we’re really disappointed in ourselves.

With all the advances in neuroplasticity and neuroscience, it’s allowed us to understand how the body does this.

One thing you can do to start making the changes is to “catch” yourself when you start to do an unwanted behavior. Stop for a moment and think about what was happening or what were you feeling right before you started the action. Look at the sequence of behaviors and see if you can discover what “triggered” your response (the behavior).

For instance, you’re trying to lose weight….you tell yourself you are not going to eat anymore ice cream until the weight is off. Then you find yourself in the checkout line at the supermarket buying a pint of your favorite flavor! What happened?

Many people will realize they’re feeling kind of blue or they’ve had a bad day. Maybe you got in an argument with your partner or co-worker. Or maybe you’re feeling like it doesn’t make any difference anyway—no one cares.
……………And then you’re in the checkout line.

All these things point to what we call “eating your feelings”! We eat the ice cream, the chocolate or the pizza to make ourselves feel again. Our brains crave the “feel good” neuro peptides so we eat sugar, fat and/or salt.

If you can pinpoint what is “triggering” your cravings you can start making better choices or at least stop yourself from reaching for the ice cream. You can create other, healthier, ways to create a better mood.

With the Neural Pathway Restructuring Method you can alter those pathways in a relatively short time without all the agony of “white knuckling it”.

Growing up in a household with an emotionally abusive mother and then repeatedly getting into abusive relationships, I was searching for answers. Why did I get out of one abusive relationships only to get into another one? Even though I was sure this time it would be different.

When I married, and had a child, I was certain that this relationship would work. And of course, I was wrong. Once again, I had picked someone who would repeat the behaviors I had come to believe were behaviors of someone who loved you. Only this time, I had a child. And I was determined I would not teach her that this was “love”.

During the last year of that marriage I attended a Neuro Linguistic Programming (N.L.P.) training and my eyes were opened to how I had continually recreated patterns from my childhood. How without consciously realizing it, I searched for someone to treat me similar to my mother. Because after all, that had to be love!

I was so amazed by this training that I took the Master level and went on to become a Trainer in N.L.P. Not only did I get a divorce, I opened an Institute and began coaching others in how they could completely change their lives for the better. They could get out of all the old destructive patterns of behavior and be the person they wanted to be.

After working with abused women, children and men as well as drug and alcohol addicts I realized that many people would deal with a presenting problem and heal it but then later, it might show up in a different way. Something was going on that hadn’t been addressed.

That lead me to learning all I could about how the brain works, how we encode information and behavior and what can we do to change it. So much new research was appearing on neuroscience and the plasticity of the brain and I had access to working neuroscientists.

After years of trial and error, utilizing various techniques from N.L.P., Ericksonian Hypnosis, guided imagery, the work of Dr. Candace Pert and Dr. Bruce Lipton we well as the work in neuroplasticity, I began to experiment and test a new process I call Neural Pathway Restructuring.

As I worked with these presenting problems it became obvious to me that we were working with more than just negative emotions, limiting beliefs and memories. In fact, we were working with the very strategies that define ourselves and our approach to life. These strategies were reinforced in our brains and went as deeply as the cellular level.

It was almost as if we were addicts for our own behaviors. And in essence we are.

Not only do we generate neurological pathways of behavior in our brain, we become addicted to our own brain chemicals. Just as an addict must get high off an external chemical, we too can be addicted to a behavioral strategy which releases the sought after chemicals. If our behavior is of a positive nature then we never worry about it. But, if the behavior is undesirable, we may try all manner of interventions to change it only to find we’re replacing it with something else.

Neural Pathway Restructuring is a painless, relatively quick method to restructure the neurological pathways of the brain to create the results we want.

Find out more about Neural Pathway Restructuring here and about Debra Fentress here!

The problem with changing our behaviors is not in our desire to do so. The problem is that we’re dealing with our two minds. The conscious mind, often called the rational mind and the unconscious mind or our emotional nature.

To change anything in our lives, these two minds have to be in agreement.

The conscious or rational mind is that part of us that is analytical and can delay gratification for long term goals or payoffs. The unconscious or emotional mind deals with pain and pleasure and is a pleasure seeking being.

The unconscious mind is interested in instant gratification. It wants things to be easy and quick. And it is the part of us that gets things done. The unconscious mind easily over rides the conscious mind when it comes to getting us to do things. The reason is that most of our behaviors are done unconsciously or without our awareness. We just do them without thinking about it.

We’ve actually created neural pathways in the brain which run automatically whenever it’s time to do a specific behavior. You don’t have to think about how to overeat or brush your teeth….you just do it or you could say your unconscious mind does it.

So every time you try and get your conscious mind to change a behavior through will power, you are attempting to override a neural pathway that is practically set in stone. After a while, we actually get worn down by our own self supervision. How many times have you attempted to do something and just got fed up with the constant monitoring of your behavior? We can only do this so long before we are exhausted.

If you’ve ever tried to lose weight through dieting you know what I mean. Every morsel you put in your mouth you have to think about and weigh the pros and cons.

Another reason change is hard is because we keep changing our minds! One minute our rational mind thinks we want to lose the weight or stop drinking or get that report done and then we’re thinking about that piece of cake left in the kitchen or just one little drink won’t hurt.

So the problem isn’t that you are lazy or lack motivation. The problem is the battle between the conscious and unconscious mind. And to get these two in alignment, you have to restructure those neural pathways.  

Recently, scientists have discovered what they call Brain Plasticity where our brain cells or neurons are constantly making new pathways. This means that your brain can change! You can create the neural pathways of your choice.

Change can then become quite easy because you’re creating on the unconscious level. So the next time you go to repeat an unwanted behavior, you find yourself doing the desired behavior. This is part of the research that went into my development of the Neural Pathway Restructuring. I’ve used it with several different habitual behaviors such as smoking, alcoholism, drug addiction, bulimia, picking, OCD, PTSD, anxiety disorders and Tourette’s Syndrome.  I also use a form of it in many of my workshops to assist groups to let go of limiting beliefs they may have about themselves and their ability to be, do or have what they want.

If you’re interested in learning more about Neural Pathway Restructuring, please go to: NeuralPathwayRestructuring.com

In order to create what we want in our lives, we have to deal with whatever is keeping us from being, doing or having everything we want. And that is usually based on unconscious limiting beliefs, fears and self-imposed limitations.

Whatever those are, they’ve probably become habits of neurological behaviors of your brain. These behavior are neuro pathways you run over and over again….mostly on an unconscious level.

It’s sad, but no amount of affirmations, or white knuckling it or swearing that you’re going to change this time will make that change. This is because your brain always goes to the easiest system….the path of least resistance.

It wants to do what it knows and is most comfortable.

It wants to go down that neural pathway that in essence cuts a deep groove.

In order to change that you often have to do something very different–maybe even drastic.

This is when Neural Pathway Restructuring  comes in. With Neural Pathway Restructuring   we restructure those pathways and create new pathways that support the life you want with new behaviors and new beliefs.

You decide how you want it. We assist you in making those changes on a deep neurological level so that you never go back to the unwanted behaviors.

Find out more at The Life Change Catalyst website!

and Neural Pathway Restructuring

If you’ve ever made an intention or decision to change something about yourself or your life and found you ended up right back where you started, then you understand what I’m talking about.

Our brains are hardwired to create pathways that promote habitual behavior.

Once that pathway is “set”, our basal ganglia either runs a “go” message pathway or a “stop” message pathway. Unfortunately for those of us trying to change a behavior, if we have a habit of behaving in a certain manner, the “go” pathway will set off before the “stop” pathway……even when we don’t want it to!

And on top of all that, once the habit is formed, you’re then predisposed to act in ways similar to the original habit. For instance, if you want to lose weight but you have a weakness toward deserts, you’re more likely to substitute any kind of sugar if you give up the deserts.

AND if you get rid of any and all things that are “sweet”, like throwing out all processed sugars or fruits, you’ll be setting yourself up for failure. Going all out “cold turkey” doesn’t usually work! It’s almost as if our subconscious mind goes into an immediate panic mode when we tell it “you cannot have anything!”.

What can you do?

One way you can start creating a new pathway of behavior is by replacing an unwanted behavior with a desired similar one. Telling yourself not to think about something or that you’re not going to do it only keeps the unwanted behavior in the forefront of your mind. Instead, you want to divert the behavior into a different one.

Examples:
If you’re trying to stay away from deserts, you can replace typical desserts like cake, pies, ice cream, any baked goods, etc. with a healthier option like fruit without whipped cream or toppings.

If you find your issue with weight loss is constantly snacking all day: instead of reaching for the regular foods you consume, chew on sugar free gum.

Or maybe you have a habit of quickly getting mad at someone and then saying something you end up regretting. Instead of trying to stop yourself from getting angry, see if you can catch the beginnings of it and first say “Stop” internally, then consciously take 3 deep breaths and say “Relax” with each exhale. Eventually, this will become the habit rather than the verbal response. (It would also be beneficial to deal with the underlying cause of the anger at some point)

Whatever your “bad” habit of choice is, think of something you can replace it with. Plan it out and set it up…..leaving things to chance is a sure fire way to go right back to the old behavior.

You can use your brain to help you change an unwanted behavior. The brain doesn’t know the difference between something real or a memory of something. If you spend a couple of minutes each morning and evening imagining yourself behaving the way you desire, after awhile you will have created a new pathway of that behavior which will compete with the old unwanted one.

If you start behaving in the unwanted pattern, just turn your brain to the “imagined” behavior.

White knuckling it doesn’t really work. We’ve spent a long time creating the unwanted behaviors and it can take awhile to replace them with new desired behaviors.

It’s said that there is a battle for cortical space in our brains so if you don’t keep up the practice until the new pathway is formed you’ll lose it. This is why it takes at least 28 days to start seeing automatic results.

So decide on a plan of action, set it up for optimal results, turn your mind to the desired result and keep it up for at least 28 days.

If you find you need help breaking unwanted patterns of behavior or want more information check out:

http://www.neuralpathwayrestructuring.com

Resources:

http://news.mit.edu/2005/habit

Pathway-Specific Striatal Substrates for Habitual Behavior.   Neuron, Published Online January 21 2016.

As a Life Change Catalyst I see clients every year stressing over how to deal with the relatives during this season. For many, it’s a time of celebration and a time of dread. But, it can be better by following a few tips for handling specific types:

The Drama Queen

We’re all more alike than you might realize. We want love, attention and respect. Which is usually what the Drama Queen is after. Unfortunately, she will suck the energy right out of you. Your best option is to never ask how she’s feeling about anything. If she still pulls the diva act, listen for a few minutes and politely excuse yourself by pointing out that you appreciate her pain but you’ve got to (go to the bathroom, help in the kitchen, check on your children). Then LEAVE!

The Nosy Inquisitor

These guys are my favorites. For some reason they feel it’s okay to ask the most personal questions. Questions like: Married yet? When are we going to hear the sound of little feet? What, you still haven’t found a job? You’re not going to eat that are you?

The best response I’ve ever seen is to look them directly in the eye and very calmly say, “I’m sorry. What did you ask me? I must have heard that incorrectly.” If they repeat it, again, calmly say “What, you asked me what?” You must say this with a straight face and no anger. Odds are they will get how rude they are or be too embarrassed to repeat it.

The Uncle with Loose Hands

You know this guy. His hugs are a little too long. He always wants to kiss you on the lips. And he won’t keep his hands from straying. What to do? You don’t want to make a scene but you want him to stop.

The best way to handle this guy is to loudly, without anger, point it out. Say something like, “Uncle Bob, I save those kind of kisses for my husband, my boyfriend, my _______!” “Uncle Bob, you’re crushing me!” “Uncle Bob, did you mean to put your hand on my breast?”

Instead of worrying about saving his face, lay it out. I’m sure you won’t be the only women he’s tried this with. As long as you do it without anger or throwing a scene, you can put a stop to his antics and keep the peace.

The Know it All

Just remember with this person…..they have a need to be right. It’s not all about showing you up. They need something to boost their ego and self worth.

The easiest way to handle this one is to give them what they want: agree with them. When they begin to tell you how to do something better, just respond with that they are probably right but this time you want to try it a different way. It’s more adventurous. Even if they argue, hold to the story and remember it’s not about you. It’s their need to feel good about themselves.

The Downer

Whenever I’m around the “downer” person I always think of the Charles Shultz character “Pig Pen”. Everywhere he went, he carried a cloud of dirt over this head and left dirt behind him. This is like the downer. They spread their negative energy wherever they go.

Your task is to avoid starting conversations with asking “how” something is/was. Instead ask what he or she liked best. If you get caught in the depressing tales of woe, chime in telling them you’ve been reading these great self help books on how gratitude and positive thinking helps us get through rough times.

One thing to remember is that it’s temporary. And hopefully, at least on some level, you do love these people. And most importantly……you teach people how to treat you.

Happy holidays and may all your get-togethers be joyful.

If they did manage to get away from him, invariably they would begin communicating, dating and many cases, getting back together.

Why? Why do smart, educated, empowered women in every other area of their lives but this one, continue to allow themselves to be abused?

After working with these women, it became clear to me that we had to approach this problem from something other than just removing a victim from the situation. Even if these women managed to get away and not involve themselves with another abuser, they would end up generating abuse in other ways: such as overeating, drinking, excessive exercising or diet, gambling, drugs….any addictive behavior.

They were seeking something that the Abuse Cycle was giving them. We weren’t working with just the beliefs about self worth or the desire to be loved. We were working with something that went even deeper.

All behaviors are repetitive strategies encoded in our brains as neural pathways that run automatically at the unconscious level. Not only do we generate neurological pathways of behavior in our brain, we become addicted to our own brain chemicals. Just as an addict must get high off an external chemical, we too can be addicted to a behavioral strategy which releases the sought after chemicals.

Let’s look at the Cycle and see what happens. There are four phases to the Cycle:

1. The Abuse: the actual abuse takes place. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical, emotional or mental.
2. The Neglect: the abuser begins to apologize, take some blame and begins to back off the abuse.
3. The Honeymoon: the abuser acts as if everything is fine again. They usually respond to the victim with gifts, loving words and actions…in general, become the perfect partner.
4. The Tension: the abuser can’t keep up the Honeymoon phase and begins to show signs of abuse again. The victim is aware that the abuse is about to start again.

The problem lies in the Honeymoon phase. During this stage of the Cycle, the victim begins to believe the abuser’s apologies, convinces themselves that this is the “true” person and “falls in love” all over again.

Unfortunately, the victim is also flooded with “feel good” neuro peptides during this phase of the Cycle.  This flooding of “feel good” neuro peptides creates an emotional addiction similar to drug addiction. These neuro peptides sub-sensitize the receptor cells, causing the body to crave more of them, without the victim actually being aware of what is happening.

She will then, unconsciously, seek out people or situations, which will stimulate the release of the peptides of the emotional addiction. If in a relationship, she will unconsciously trigger the abuse to get to the Honeymoon phase in order to get the release of the “feel good” neuro peptides.

In order to break out of this emotional and chemical addiction, the neurological pathway must be altered. Research has shown that we can actively affect how our brains can rewire themselves to create new neural networks and override pre-existing ones. As early as 1998, Merzenich and deCharms were saying that we actually choose how our minds will work which results in physical responses.

For anyone struggling with the Cycle of Abuse, there is hope. You can break out of this pattern and stay out!

One way that has been shown to rewire these strategies of behavior permanently is Neural Pathway Restructuring.  Neural Pathway Restructuring alters the neurological habitual pattern of behavior so much so that it’s impossible to run it again even if you tried to.

If you or anyone you know is trapped in the Cycle please go to: http://www.neuralpathwayrestructuring.com

1.) How often do you compliment your partner? Or notice when he/she does something for you without being asked?

• We all like to be appreciated. Too often in relationships, we get used to our partners doing things and we slack off showing them how much it means to us or makes our lives just a little bit easier.
• When your partner does something for you, even if it’s to take out the garbage…..tell them how thoughtful it is of them.

2.) Make love more often! That’s right…..I said make love more often.

• For women, the act of lovemaking lets us feel loved and cherished.
• For men, it takes the act of lovemaking for them to express love and be able to be vulnerable.
• Make sure you make time for sex and lovemaking….even if you have to schedule it.
• Sunday mornings are a great time for “lying in” as the Brits would say and enjoying a leisurely morning of lovemaking.
• Create a ritual of it with lovemaking, breakfast in bed, reading the paper or cuddling for a while.

3.) Instead of getting upset over your partner’s idiosyncrasies, go back and remember how interesting or endearing those unique traits were when you first met. Letting our partners know that their quirks and crazy habits are part of why we love them can work wonders.

• The next time your partner does one of those quirky things, give then a kiss or a hug, telling them how much you love it.
• We all want to be accepted for who and how we are. Let your partner know that you love them with all their zany habits.

4.) Let out your inner sex kitten or Don Juan. It’s not only good for your soul but your love life as well.

• Set up a special date and spend the night at a luxurious hotel.
• Go out to a romantic night of dining and dancing.
• If you’re a woman, surprise your partner by wearing the sexiest dress you can find. Make it one you would probably never wear before. Add super high heels and for extra punch, wear a wig in a style and color completely different than your real hair.
• If you’re a man, dress up if you usually dress casual and vice versa. Or dress in a way that you’d really like to but have never had the courage. Imagine you are Don Juan and treat your woman accordingly.
• Eat chocolates, drink champagne and take a bubble bath together.
• Play!!

4.) Remember to listen when your partner speaks. Not paying attention or ignoring someone leads to feeling of invalidation on their part. After awhile, they are left feeling unloved.

• If you get home and your partner starts in on their day before you’ve had a second to wind down, ask for a time out. Being honest about the need to relax without dealing with anything is better than tuning out your partner.
• Remember….some people like lots of details and others can’t handle them. Pay attention to which you are and which way your partner is. Then both of you need to honor those differences. Just being aware of it can generate change.

5.) Create a safe environment within your marriage. Your partner is not your enemy so develop some “rules” for disagreements.

• No name calling or foul language
• No physical, mental or emotional abuse
• No idle threats of leaving or divorce. If you’re at that place in the relationship, you need to see a lawyer.
• Let the other person speak and listen to them.
• Give each person a chance to speak and be heard
• Pick your battles carefully….sometimes you’re just in a bad mood. Ask yourself if it’s worth it?

It takes time and effort to keep the fires stoked in a relationship. If we just coast along, we can end up with two people who don’t know each other anymore.

You got together because you found each other wonderful, irresistible and loveable. Those feelings can be rekindled with some attention and effort.

It’s so worth it to have that special other in your life. To have someone there for you and on your side.

Whatever it takes, it can make all the difference in the world.