The Life Design Studio

Depressed at Christmas

2009-12-08T11:42:14+00:00

If you are depressed at Christmas-time it can be especially difficult because all around you there is excitement and fun. The TV is full of advertisements for games, depicting happy families at play and romantic comedies that seem to rub salt into the wounds of those who are finding life a struggle. So what can you do? What steps could you take to ease your pain just a little.

What we class as “depression” can take many forms. You might be very stressed at work and feel depressed there but you’re still able to function within your family or leisure time – or vice versa. You may be feeling extremely negative about life and your place in the world but still able to go to the cinema or out with a friend. Or your depression may be rock bottom, where you’ve gone into the realm of locking yourself in the bedroom with a duvet over your head for most of the day, not seeing anyone or doing anything much at all. By the time you’ve got to this level you may be classed as ‘clinically depressed’ and hopefully you are under the care of a doctor.

But here’s what doctors often don’t tell you: however negative, anxious or depressed you may be there is no magic potion that works alone. You have some of the responsibility for helping yourself to get well and there’s a lot you can do to ensure that happens. Don’t believe the advice that’s so often given out that “you’ll never work again” or “you are stuck with this”. It simply isn’t true in most cases IF you can find a little spark somewhere within you that wants something better from life. I’ve helped many people who have been severely depressed for many years take control of their lives once again by shifting just one small step at a time towards happiness.

When we’re depressed it often feels as if we cannot do anything. This is rarely true. There are often small things we can do and when you’re depressed, achieving something, however small, is a huge boost to your morale.

So start by giving yourself a small task to complete this week. Perhaps getting up half an hour earlier (or even 10 minutes earlier) than you usually do. Over-sleeping is a major problem because it creates too much REM (rapid eye movement) sleep which in turn de-motivates you and makes you even more lethargic. When you’ve completed your task, you can improve on it slowly. Don’t worry how long it takes, you will improve bit by bit.

You could also consider other small tasks. Walking round the block; increasing to walking a bit further; and later to walking somewhere really lovely like a park or a wood. Slowly, slowly, I don’t expect you to achieve this all at once.

One of the known improvers of depression is exercise so walking is great, but any other activity that involves movement and, over time, involves an increase in heart rate, will give your system a boost.

Listening to lovely inspiring music is a good start; wearing a bright colour every day even if you only begin with 3 days a week. Watch something interesting or amusing on TV. Phone someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Listen to a relaxation CD daily. Make up your mind to do just one small thing this week and an additional small thing next week and give yourself a pat on the back for your achievements. In this way you will begin to feel you are taking control and you will take control over time. Be kind to yourself and loving to yourself because that’s the only way you’ll get back to a more positive mindset.

And here are some things which will deepen your depression so that you know what NOT to do. Don’t watch bad news or violence or misery on the TV. Don’s keep talking about and thinking about what’s wrong – talk about and think about whatever you can find that’s good in your life. I know this isn’t easy when you’re depressed, especially at Christmas, but even one thought of gratitude an hour will support you and move you forward. Don’t keep the lights turned low – you need bright light. Don’t beat yourself up for your condition or your slow progress EVER. Just look forward to taking back that control.

With very best wishes
Bee

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Many of my clients who suffer with stress, anxiety and depression benefit from our relaxation downloads. There are four titles available and daily listening can help you take yet another step toward healing. Click here to find out more.

Are you one of life’s winners?

2009-09-25T15:11:23+01:00

Firstly let’s talk about ‘winning’. Most people consider this to be about being the best, achieving a difficult challenge, gaining that promotion, achieving wealth or having the right numbers at Bingo.

But there’s another definition of winning and that’s ‘achieving happiness’ – this is what I’m talking about and if you haven’t ‘won’ in this sense, read on and see if you can find out why.

Do you consider yourself a winner in this lottery called life? Why is it that some people can seem to have it all and still be unhappy and others have suffering and yet smile through? What makes us feel as if we have won or lost in the game of life?

Below are some of the characteristics that might make the difference between how happy or sad you are regardless of your circumstances. These are subconscious patterns and you may identify yourself a happy winner already which is great. But if you’re not, this list could help you recognize the unconscious beliefs that are preventing you from having the life you want.

Take a look. Can identify yourself? Are you a happy winner or are you struggling to force yourself into a role you’re not (yet*) cut out for. Take the time to think about your real desires – you may never see yourself in the same light again.

Here are some of the ways people Win at Life:

1. Happy in my comfort zone:

You can be one of life’s winners if comfort is your main goal and your need’s are met. You don’t want hassle; you don’t want to be challenged or pushed around; you don’t like arguments or disagreements and you’ll try to find a compromise and ‘put it behind you’. What you like is to be enjoying your life in comfort and ease. You’ll probably have a happy, safe, stable job which you wouldn’t change in case it caused ripples on your cheerful pond.

This is a great way to look at life if you aren’t hankering after riches or fame. Inevitably in a relationship where your partner wants you more motivated and more ambitious this could cause problems, but if you’re with someone that wants the same things out of life as you, you’ve turned your life into that of a winner.

2 Everyone likes me:

For you being liked is even more important than your own comfort. You don’t ruffle anyone’s feathers even if it’s to your own disadvantage. You love to help and support others because it’s your motivation to keep others happy. You need to be accepted and feel loved by everyone.

You are unlikely to be happy in a job where there’s a tough management line and, indeed, your need to be liked would not make you a good manager either because it would be too hard for you to make those tough decisions that may adversely affect or upset your staff. You would make a good care-giver because knowing that you are invaluable to people gives you a buzz.

Wanting to be liked by everyone can mean that you don’t meet your own needs and desires. This type of person can easily be walked over and can suffer from very low in self esteem, but if you don’t have needs and desires beyond helping others and if the people you’re helping are happy about that, you’re on to a winner.

3 You like to be right:

Do you like to have the last word on most things? Do you believe that your view is the only view worth considering because you KNOW it’s absolutely right. Do you find yourself criticizing and judging others against your standards?

Being an expert in a particular field would satisfy much of this tendency. Knowing that you know more than others about something specific could allow you to be a little more forgiving in other areas.

As a manager you can make all the difficult decisions regardless of outcome and that could stand you in good stead at work although you may find that you are not responsive to change because of your belief that you already have everything right and that could curb your career prospects.

In relationships you may be told you’re too ‘controlling’ because you want things done your way and to your standards. That can be pretty hard to live with either because you are partnered to someone like you who also believes they are right – but has differing opinions, or because you are with someone who is mild tempered and won’t stand up to you on a regular basis. That could lead to the occasional blow-out when they can’t take any more … or even the end of the relationship.

If you are one of these people and you’ve got the balance of work and home about right; congratulations you’re a winner.

4 You love the feeling of achievement:

You love competition. You won’t give up and the better the competition is, the harder you’ll try. You won’t crumble under the strain; you’ll just keep on striving until you win.

In work you could be a fantastic team motivator or brilliant entrepreneur. In relationships be careful that you don’t expect others to hold the same goals and you’ll be fine.

If you walk all over others in the process of attaining your goals then you’ll lose life’s lottery; but if your achievements are gained with integrity, you will certainly be a very happy person.

5 You’ve got used to being a victim:

Victims think that sympathy means love. They crave sympathy because it feels like someone cares. This is a very insecure place to be because you are very vulnerable and lacking in self-esteem.

You may find problems where none exist or simply make the real problems you do have into sagas of doom and gloom just to hear others say “how awful” “poor you”. You’ll make excuses about having a poor childhood or no money or being too young or too old or too uneducated. There’s always a reason why you can’t achieve anything and it’s “not your fault”.

Victimhood becomes a habit that’s hard to break because it means taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life and that can seem scary. You may well feel very safe staying the way you are.

How can a victim be a winner? Well, if you are in a relationship where being incapable lets the other person feel capable and strong, you might both be happy. If you’re in a Company where the ethos is to complain and moan, you might just be in the right place for you.

Take a good look

Do any of these traits apply to you? Have you made the most of your tendencies or are you still trying to fit yourself into an environment that just doesn’t work for you?

*Do you want to change from where you are to a new mind-set? It is possible with the right help from a qualified life coach or therapist. If you want to know where to start; drop me an e-mail and I’ll get back you with some free ideas.

You don’t fit into any of the categories above?

If you don’t think any of the above applies to you I’d really be interested in what’s driving you and whether that belief-set is working for you, so please do comment below.

With very best wishes
Bee

A Truly Inspiration Story

2009-08-25T09:24:09+01:00

Are you struggling with some aspect of life to the point where you feel unable to move forward? The following truly inspirational story of Amy Purdy could help you get motivated ... the last words of her article are particularly powerful and I, for one, won't forget them in a hurry.

"Amy Purdy had found her passion and was in control of her life. A snowboarder, massage therapist, and artist, she had faced her share of challenges, was making good money, and looked toward a bright future. She knew nothing could get in the way of her success. Only when she lost both legs to illness did she discover how true that was.

Amy Purdy was just 19 when the course of her life took a drastic change. After a day’s illness with what seemed to be the flu, her condition became critical. Her family rushed her to the hospital where they were informed that septic shock had caused respiratory and multiple organ failure.

It took five days to diagnosis bacterial meningitis. A week after entering the hospital, Purdy’s spleen ruptured, and she suffered internal bleeding and severe kidney failure. It was doubtful that she would make it through the night.

Purdy remembers the near-death experience. Floating in and out of consciousness, she felt herself slipping away. “I remember thinking ‘Okay, these people are here to save me, but they better do it quickly, they better do it right now, because I’m going. Help me if you’re going to help me.’ I had this feeling that I was trying to hold on, but I was being pulled away.

“I remember feeling my last heartbeat,” Purdy recalls. “I felt it really strong. It took my breath away, and I just got pulled out of my body. Then, suddenly, I was in this space that was just a really comfortable space. I remember thinking: ‘I know what’s going on here.’ I got really mad, like every bit of energy in my body just came out. I remember thinking ‘No! I’m not ready to go!’”

Purdy spent three weeks in a coma, and when she awoke, the struggle began to save her legs, which had lost circulation due to septic shock. Five weeks after she entered the hospital, it was apparent that amputation was necessary. If the doctors waited longer, they would have to amputate higher. Without the surgery, Purdy would die. Doctors amputated Purdy’s legs just below the knees.

Her mother, Sheri Purdy, remembers when her daughter awoke from the surgery. “Amy looked at me, and she asked ‘Are they gone?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, they’re gone.’ And she replied, ‘Good.’”

“In the hospital,” Purdy remembers thinking, “I should be crying, but I’m not. This is so challenging, but I know I can do this.”

Many people, when faced with what seems like a great tragedy, might be tempted to withdraw from life and hide their seeming “disability.” Not Purdy. Her willingness to accept herself as she is can be seen in her attitude toward her prosthetic legs. After her recovery, Purdy was given a set of prosthetics made of metal. She became comfortable with these. A few years later, the family raised $30,000 to purchase a life-like set with wrinkles, toenails, veins, pores, and a natural skin tone. Purdy says, “I wear them when I want to be incognito, or when I go to an event. Otherwise I like my metal ones. They are different, and I think they are unique. What makes you unique makes you beautiful.”

Purdy didn’t let the loss of her legs keep her from her passion, either. “I remember feeling myself snow-boarding again. I absolutely knew I would do it again.”

Seven months after leaving the hospital, she was back on a snow-board. The first time she tried snow-boarding with her new legs, she got off the chair lift only to watch her legs and the snowboard going down the hill ahead of her, much to the shock of all the skiers and snow-boarders. She persisted until she was as good on the snowboard with her new legs as she had been before the illness.

“If I had given up, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” Purdy says, who is 29 now.

She met her partner, Daniel Gale, three years after her illness. After a day of snowboarding, she showed him her metal legs. His only reaction was to ask her to go snowboarding again the next day.

As their relationship developed, Purdy and Gale began to brainstorm ways to help other people with dis-abilities. Their thinking led to the creation, in 2005, of a nonprofit organization, Adaptive Action Sports, which helps youth and young adults with permanent physical disabilities enjoy extreme sports such as snowboarding and skate-boarding. Purdy named it Adaptive Action Sports because she does not like the “d” word.

“I don’t look at myself like I’m disabled,” Purdy says. “I look at myself like I’m adaptive, because I find a way.”

Purdy has certainly found a way to do far more things than many, such as modeling, snowboarding, and running her organization. “The more that I am able to work with other people who are in challenging circumstances, the more I heal,” Purdy says.

“In a way, everybody has a dis-ability,” Purdy says. “We all have things we have to work on with ourselves; we all have obstacles that we have to overcome. When you choose not to overcome those obstacles, that’s when it becomes a disability.”"

I hope you found this article as moving as I did and that you can find some personal lessons within it. I see clients every day with their own forms of disability : negative beliefs, emotional baggage and habits that don't serve them. Most of us don't have the amazing capacity to overcome potential tragedy that Amy has but we can learn new techniques of thought and behaviour that will bring us more joy and less struggle. There are groups, individual therapists, books and tapes galore that could help you achieve your peace.

If you would like to ask any questions about this or other subjects, please use the comment box below or, for privacy, e-mail bee@thelifedesignstudio.co.uk.

Warmest wishes

Bee

Why Me? | Its Just not fair

2009-08-18T10:35:32+01:00

What happens when we take an event in our lives - or someone else’s - and then, by the way we think, we exaggerate the negative effect on our lives?

“Why did this have to happen to me?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “Everything was going so well ... until this happened. Now nothing can ever be the same again.”

Let’s say it’s an unexpected health problem. Do you find yourself thinking…….

“I know other people don’t look after themselves, they eat junk food, they smoke and drink, so they deserve to get sick, but not me … I eat healthy food … maybe other people don’t take exercise, but I work out every day. It’s their own fault, but not me… “

Or maybe you have a financial issue and you think “I control my money very well……maybe other people don’t make a budget and watch expenditures, so if they have a financial disaster I can understand it but why me; I am so careful.” Or “Maybe other people don’t treat their partners well, and so they deserve to be cheated on , but not me, I’m a good person…” and on it goes.

We justify to ourselves how unfair it is that calamity or tragedy struck us, and that we absolutely do not deserve it. We allow our anxiety to multiply ten times over, not only because of the event itself and the unforeseeable changes it has necessarily brought to our lives but we dwell on all the negative aspects of it. Of course, if you have received a diagnosis of cancer, or lost your partner, or your savings, or your job, it would be hard to find something positive to say about it at the time.

And yet … isn’t it true that some people seem to cope? They chose to treat setbacks as opportunities?

My practice brings me in touch with many people telling me about something terrible in their lives. Their stories are often tragic, filled with pain, sorrow, desperation, anger, guilt, resentment, jealousy, loss, disillusion, and fear. My heart goes out to them … not so much because of the content of their stories, but because they don’t have to stay feeling this way, and learning and understanding the truth of that statement is frequently one of the hardest things I ask my clients to do. But once they grasp it, life becomes infinitely easier.

So what is the alternative to feeling this way; to having this wrenching pain in your life?

How To Go About Having a Choice

When you are filled with pain or any of those other dreadful emotions, you are obviously feeling miserable, wishing things were different, bemoaning your fate, or trying desperately to figure the way out of the situation.

Now imagine just for an instant that you could fill your mind with other thoughts. Not because you “pretend” to yourself that the hard thoughts are no longer there, and not because you “control” the hard thoughts or difficult feelings, and not because you “suppress” the hard thoughts, or anything along those lines. Quite the contrary, doing all that will simply keep the painful thoughts in the foreground of your mind. But suppose you would fill your mind with other thoughts - not because you can learn to eradicate these hard thoughts, but because you choose to think other soothing thoughts.

Choose To Think Other Thoughts

I can hear you now! “Choose to think other thoughts? How can I choose? I have to think these thoughts if I have any of these problems, because I have to try to resolve them, or get over them. I have no choice in the matter until the problem is gone.”

This is the truth: While you fill your mind with stressful thoughts you cannot resolve your problems. You won’t be able to because your mind is too flooded with stress chemicals. When you have a sudden emergency that is what happens. You are programmed just to react, quickly and without taking the time your conscious mind needs to make sense of a situation. It is not a coincidence we say that we need to relax to resolve our problems, and to “sleep on it”. That gives us ‘happy chemicals’ and gives our intelligent brain the room to work it out.

To start winding your anxiety down consider the fact that if you want to resolve the problem, you probably have already done all that you can to do … at least for today. Therefore, continuing to think about it serves no purpose. It might, as a matter of fact, be considered a waste of time. A waste of valuable time that you could be using to choose to get your brain in a proper state to do what it does best – looking after you. So make your day good, joyous, and filled with satisfaction.

How can you do that? Well my next post will explain how we can stop wallowing in our own pain and choose to put ourselves in a better place, a better frame of mind, a place where we can stop dwelling and start solving.

Are you struggling with a thought pattern? Do you need help or advice. Drop me an e mail and ask, it may well help.

With every good wish for your health and happiness
Tony
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To begin getting your brain to function at a more relaxed level, why not listen to one of our acclaimed relaxation downloads.

Stress Unravelled!

2009-07-13T12:32:44+01:00

When you or your employees suffer from stress it isn’t just a matter of ‘pull yourself together’ or ‘snap out of it’. Stress is a real problem which can have dire consequences for your business.

Research has shown that pressure at work (or at home) is causing many employees to succumb to stress related diseases costing many businesses a small fortune. Yet excessive anxiety and stress are both preventable and avoidable.

To the sufferer it very often seems impossible to shake off anxiety or depression but it doesn’t have to be that way. The right professional help could sort out the problem in a matter of weeks, turning someone who has become a liability into your best asset.

Under the Disability Discrimination Act anxiety stress and depression may be sufficient to qualify a person as disabled and if you as employer have contributed to that stress it could cost you thousands. In fact the HSE calculated that the direct cost of workplace stress costs industry £530 million each and every year and in another study Norwich Union showed that indirect costs were double that – if they are right and if you have 10 employees that’s costing you about £30000 a year - that is a lot of profit margin down the drain.

But a little bit of stress is good for you isn’t it? A bit of adrenalin keeps you alert and with your wits about you doesn’t it? It keeps you sharp and on your toes. So is this legislation interfering in the way you conduct your business? Another example of the nanny state gone mad?

Well it is true that a little bit of anxiety/stress (call it what you will) does indeed increase awareness. Being acutely aware of danger and poised ready to take evasive action is why our weak and puny species have survived all these millennia to rule the earth. But it is also true that too much stress all at once or for too long a period will shut down your thinking, reasoning, logical brain completely. Put in purely mercenary terms a stressed employee (or boss) is very very bad for the commercial health of any enterprise.

The statutory HSE Stress Management/Wellbeing audit will help you reduce the causes of stress in the workplace but it doesn’t end there. People don’t leave the stress of their everyday lives on the hall stand at home and pick up workplace stress at the office or factory door. Whatever is happening for them in their private life; family trauma, phobias, hatches, matches or dispatches, financial strains, rows and illness is carried with them wherever they go. Beset by private pressures they may be unable think efficiently and coherently about their job – and that is why it is in your interests to help them. You can wash your hands of that of course and say ‘that’s none of my business’ but when it affects your profitability or development would that be the best thing to do?

Will pills help?

When you take your anxiety or stress problem to the doctor – and you should take your problem to the doctor – in all probability he will prescribe some pills. He is the doctor and pills may help so you should take them. However they are like putting a sticking plaster on a festering sore. Pills don’t deal with the cause or provide a long term solution.

So what will help?

Most people suffering in this way know consciously what changes they want to achieve but feel there is nothing they can do about it. In our practice we see people who have been struggling with their demons and who after just a few sessions experience the joy of being free from anxiety for the first time for years. It is a very rewarding moment for us.

Why couldn’t they do this for themselves?

It is because the problem lies deep in the subconscious mind and it needs expert help to resolve the conflict. Our unconscious mind gets into the habit of reacting to certain circumstances in certain ways and no amount of conscious desire seems to shift the pattern but with the help of a qualified therapist, within a few sessions it becomes easy to do what until now has seemed difficult or impossible.

How Can You Help?

Help Yourself: As a business owner or manager if you are feeling under a huge burden of stress and anxiety consult us now. You will learn a great deal about the debilitating effects of stress and anxiety, what may be done to alleviate it and the impact that may have on your own efficiency, creativity or effective management.

Help Your Employees: It doesn’t matter if the stress is being created at work or at home YOU and your business are suffering the consequences in lost productivity, creativity and profitability.

• Refer them to us for a free initial consultation
• Book an informative talk for your Directors, Management or Staff meeting

Call me Anthony Bennett DHP. SFBH on 07877734075 or Skype me at tjbennett or e mail me at tony@thelifedesignstudio.com
Web www.thelifedesignstudio.com

DIY steps to improving your confidence

2009-04-30T11:03:37+01:00

I received a newsletter recently from Dave Crisp who is a fellow Life Coach. Here are his "7 steps to increase your Confidence" which you could practice at home.

"Would you like to improve your confidence? Would you be interested in a technique that can help get rid of the fear of speaking when you have to give a talk, or that boosts your confidence for sports or other high performance needs? Could there be a time in the future, that you would like to be more assured than you have been in the past?

Here is a technique that teaches you how to plan for the future using all the best of your past or the past of someone you know. Research has shown that the subconscious cannot tell the difference between real practice and imagined practice; they both prepare you for an upcoming event for which you want to be at your best. This exercise will show you how to access your best state any time you need it.

This methods of summoning up your confidence on demand is a mental technique called the ‘Circle of Excellence.’ Note that this doesn't create competence in a skill you desire, but it gives you the ability to summon up the confidence necessary for performing that skill.

Here are the steps for using the Circle of Excellence, which you need to practise ahead of time in order to be able to draw upon it at will:

Step 1. Imagine a circle on the floor. In your imagination, make it about 3 feet in diameter and 2 feet in front of you, something large enough to step into. Sometimes making it golden and sparkly can help, or you can use chalk to draw a circle on the floor if you need help with visualising when you are first training to master this mental technique.

Step 2. Step inside the circle and imagine a time you were wonderful at something, not necessarily what you want to be confident doing. Imagine that everything went smoothly, you were bright, funny, happy, confident, full of energy and a great success at your task. You were balanced, creative, powerful or as many other positive states of your choice that you can conjure. You want all your positive memories to flood your body with the good feelings of your confident performance.

If you don't have these particular resources from your own personal history, it works to pretend you have them and in your mind, you can use visualisation too, for example step-into-the-shoes-of or role play, a movie hero, a living legend, or anyone you admire to get into that state you want.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a REAL history and an IMAGINED history or the history of others in creating a state, so all you have to do is emotionally capture that feeling of excellence using whatever role models or scenario playing that works for you.

Step 3. Develop a full visual and auditory representation of the state. This means use your imagination to see and hear the kinds of things you were seeing and hearing. Use all your senses to develop the kinaesthetic sense and so strengthen the FEELING of what it's like to be in that state. Notice yourself in the circle being wonderful... Visualise it fully. Hear what is going on around you and hear yourself responding appropriately. Feel yourself gushing with pride. Feel your greatness and calmness.

Step 4. When you have added enough detail and resources, step out of the circle. Visualise a representation of yourself still in the circle and notice the posture, demeanour and breathing involved with the state you have created. Shake off the state to return to your normal state and prepare to test it out.

Step 5. Imagine your circle again and step back into it. At the same time you step automatically into the powerful state you've created. Move into that circle of excellence, stepping into the picture of yourself. Imagine it's as if you step into that person, that set of states, the whole of that experience.

Step 6. The imaginary circle can act as the Anchor. However, you may want an alternative trigger for this as a resource state so that you can bring it up at any time you require it. In other words, figure out how to draw upon this state at will by practising it and then associating some mental or physical link or cue with it to bring it back when needed. That might be tapping your fingers, holding your arms in a certain way or whatever physical link you can easily and accurately repeat.

Step 7. Repeat 1 - 6 with more experiences to enhance the power of the Circle of Excellence.

If you come under stress in the future, you can then trigger the physical link and the feelings of that experience or experiences will return as you are back in your Circle of Excellence.

NOTE: This technique does not create competence. It assumes ability is in place. When ability is not enough and a dose of confidence is required, this exercise works a small miracle. Please be aware of the important difference between confidence and competence!

It’s much easier to have the aid of someone else to help you access states and anchor them appropriately. A coach can aid your goal of becoming more confident in many ways."

To find out more e-mail DaveCrisp@ccandc.co.uk

Have fun with this exercise. The more you can make your personal growth fun, the easier it will be.

Best wishes

Bee

Why Is It So Difficult To Change Our Lives?

2009-02-26T10:16:25+00:00

We run our life on patterns, habits if you like, and mostly that's a very good thing. It is a process which has kept us in existence as a species for thousands of years. But why is it so difficult to change our lives when we want to?

Our conscious brain, the part of our brain which works things out with logic and reason, is very good at mixing and matching the signals we pick up through our senses and in sometimes coming to a conclusion that change would be beneficial. This process is clever but comparatively slow and 'expensive' to run in energy terms.

You will know that a sustained period of mental effort soon makes you 'tired'. If we had to work out everything consciously on a daily or moment by moment basis we would grind to a stop very quickly indeed. That is the reason that, as soon as soon we are able, we commit behaviour and thought patterns to our subconscious so that we don't have to engage in this slow, inefficient, energy consuming process - thinking.

You can clearly see this at work when you learn something complex like how to drive a car. To begin with it is very difficult indeed but as we become used to it by repetition gradually we need to 'think' less. Eventually we can drive a car 'on automatic pilot', hardly giving it a thought at all. It becomes easy.

Throughout our lives, from conception onwards, we 'learn' in this way, developing patterns not only for driving but for every aspect of our lives, large and small. The part of our brain where this process takes place has one overriding purpose and that is to keep us alive. Once a thought or behaviour is 'banked' in our subconscious this is 'the manual' we run our lives by and a departure from an established pattern is firmly resisted, change might be dangerous. Our subconscious becomes our personal 'jobsworth' security officer' with the power to prevent us engaging in a thought or action which it understands may be harmful to us.

This would be fine if these behaviours were always the ones we currently want but unfortunately we absorb some very odd ideas along the way and these start being laid down from the moment of conception to about five years old. To begin life we have no logic or reason of our own because that part of our brain simply hasn't developed yet. We just cannot evaluate things for ourselves for the first few years but we do form patterns of thought and behaviour. Then, later, we get all sorts of input, from our parents, or siblings, our friends, carers, the media, or our teachers, much of it prejudiced, misguided or just plain wrong. These influences become our values and beliefs.

So that is why we find it difficult to change; our intended actions conflict with our reactive programming. They are at odds with our values and beliefs which are laid down, often in error, to protect us. When there is a conflict between our 'conscious' brain and our 'subconscious' the subconscious always wins because it believes - sometimes wrongly - that it is acting to keep us safe and is programmed to be able to insist on that safety

So can we change? yes! but not easily, we usually need help. The nature and extent of that help can depend on our ability to ‘rewrite the manual' and that can depend on not only understanding how that might achieved (Training and Personal Development perhaps) but how stressed we are at the time.

Stress takes away our ability to use our logic and reason. At times when it is really important to make a change some professional help from therapists (Life Coaches, NLP Practitioners and Hypnotherapists) can be the 'short cut' which enables change to be achieved quickly and easily. So if you need to make a rapid change but are currently stressed, drop me an e-mail and arrange for a free initial consultation in my consulting room or by telephone : tony@thelifedesignstudio.co.uk

Have fun changing!

Tony

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A number of tips and hints can be found in other articles on this blog and at www.50pluslifedesign.com
Are you a smoker who wants to quit quickly and easily? There is a very special offer currently on www.stopsmokingconsultants.com

New Year’s Resolutions : Reflective Thoughts

2009-01-04T23:47:44+00:00

It’s gone midnight on January 4th. I’ve just finished ploughing through the last few days’ received e-mails to ensure I’ve answered everyone’s good wishes or enquiries and whilst lounging here with my lap top I’ve had a flash of inspiration about the one New Year Resolution I shall make and keep every year without fail.

At this time of change and fresh starts and clean slates it’s really important to recognise what’s been sabotaging my efforts to make changes in my life up to now. So my resolution is to reflect on the year gone by and look for patterns of behaviour that are automatic but which do not serve me. I shall no doubt discover limiting beliefs ... they must be there or life would be hunky dory in every respect and it’s not. There are improvements to be made and some of them have been waiting an awfully long time. Why? Because I’ve been holding myself back with excuses, fears and procrastination.

So, I, Bee Milbourn, resolve to reflect each year-end on the patterns of thought and action that have prevented me from being all I can be and I resolve to do whatever it takes to change those patterns for the better.

What about you? What do you see when you look back over your year? Are you doing the same old thing over and over again but expecting a different result?

I hope not ... but do think about it.

Best wishes
Bee

New Year’s Resolutions 2009 : Increasing your chance of Success

2008-12-29T12:04:17+00:00

Yet another year on the turn, yet another set of New Year Resolutions to be broken. Am I being pessimistic? Well, that’s not my style at all but I do know that there is sound evidence that most people don’t carry out their pledges – well at least not for more than a few days. So why is this? How can I help you to be on the right side of the statistics heap? After all, it’s not as if I’ve always kept my promises to myself ... but I have learned a lot in the process of breaking them about why that happens and I want to share it with you. Let's do battle with our enemies and emerge victorious!

Why did you wait until New Year?

Firstly, let’s look at the concept of a New Year Resolution. Why did you wait until the New Year? Why did you not make a decision previously and just do it? What held you back before? Really think about these questions because they will start to give you some insight into your level of commitment. Did you put it off because you were too busy : are you any less busy now? Did you put it off because you weren’t motivated enough : are you more motivated now? Examine the reasons you gave yourself to wait until the New Year and you’ll have a little insight into whether you have a fair chance of success.

I do think that the New Year has a special quality to it. It signifies change and growth. The turning of the year seems to give us permission to put the past behind us and start afresh. I believe in making use of whatever help is available and allowing the shedding of an old year to help you open yourself up to new possibilities is a powerful motivator, so don’t allow previous lack of motivation to get in your way. Reach out to the new; imagine vividly what your life will be like when you’ve made that change you long for. If you find it difficult to imagine though, this could be what has blocked you from making that resolution work for you in the past.

Mental conflict

Our minds are always full of conflict. The ONLY reason we don’t achieve what we want in life is because there is some other thought blocking and arguing with the first one. If the only thought in our head is to start interviewing for new jobs we would just go do it. The reason we don’t is because of those other thoughts that say “It’s the wrong time of year” “No one has any jobs available right now” “No one would want me – I’m not qualified enough, old enough, young enough ...” “I won’t get any better money than I get here” ... and many more.

Suppose you decide to quit smoking. You may have decided to quit many times before but those old gremlins get in the way “It never worked before” “I know I’ll just go back again in a few days” “I won’t be able to cope with the cravings” “How will I cope with the stress?”. These are the conflicts of the mind. When we truly decide to do something and have dealt with our gremlins we just do it – no argument – no fuss.

Dealing with the gremlins

Know thine enemy! You need to work out exactly who or what those gremlins are. Make it fun! Notice the battle going on inside your head and write down the language of each side. Take a piece of paper and put a line down the middle. Write down all the benefits of your chosen action on one side - this is your hero talking, who only wants the best for you - and all the arguments your mind is chucking at you on the other side – your gremlin-speak. Keep working at the list of negatives because you can’t fight a battle against an invisible enemy.

OK. So now you know what you’re up against! Now you know why your previous efforts didn’t work. What now? Our subconscious mind is very powerful and the negative thoughts it provides are just for your protection. It is just trying to protect you from possible hurt or fear or anxiety or embarrassment ... even from success. This particular conflict will only be won when you help your subconscious to realise that it’s fears for you are ungrounded.

Doing battle

Let battle commence. Take each one of the negatives your subconscious has shown you. Just one at a time - and question the validity of it. Suppose your goal is to learn to swim. You set yourself this goal before and never got around to it but you really want to swim because your hero says 1. It will be good for you physically 2. It will sharpen your mind – which you know physical activity does 3. You can join your (girlfriend / husband fill in the blank) when they go to the pool 4. You’ll be able to go into the sea when you go on holiday without fear 5. It will help you to lose weight 6. It will help you tone up your body ... and so on ... to the end of the ‘positives’ list.

What has prevented you in the past? What gremlins have been at work? Maybe: 1. You feel embarrassed in a swimsuit 2. You don’t want to look like an idiot when you’re learning 3. You’re scared of the water 4. You hate water on your face 5. All that dressing / undressing / showering is a pain 6. Your hair will be ruined by the chlorine ... and so on to the end of your ‘negatives’ list.

Take each in turn: 1. “You feel embarrassed in a swimsuit”. Ask yourself what it is that bothers you? Maybe you are thin or fat or have cellulite but that just puts you amongst the average swimmer doesn’t it? Is this thought justified? Does everyone go to the pool to look at others or are they there to concentrate on themselves? Get real. If you have genuine body image problems you might need a little hypnotherapy to overcome it so find a good local practitioner. The same applies to 3 - Scared of the Water. A good clinical NLP hypnotherapist is trained in techniques which will help you overcome most phobias and fears in just 3 sessions.

Go through your list asking if each negative thought is justified. Is it true for everyone. Does it really matter? Is swimming and the benefits on your ‘plus side’ more important than a little embarrassment. Do you need extra help from a doctor, therapist or good friend?

Will you be a better person for overcoming your fears ... absolutely. I’m sure you’ve had to overcome a fear before and I want you to remember that fantastic feeling when you succeeded. Bring that feeling into the present and imagine you have already succeeded at your current goal. Make it real and compelling.

Well, I think I’ve given you a start and it’s time this blog was put to bed. If you want help with slimming or quitting smoking there are other blogs on this site – just look at the ‘categories’ in the left hand column. There’s also more help with overcoming your negative self-talk. Have a browse around. I welcome e-mails from you with any questions you may have – write to me at bee@thelifedesignstudio.com and I’ll get back to you as quickly as possible.

Happy New Year
Bee

Five Easy Pieces to piecing together your purpose in life

2008-12-15T16:02:28+00:00

I found this piece on someone else’s blog and I liked it so much I’m going to re-post it here. Unfortunately, I don’t know the original author.

5 easy pieces to piecing together your purpose in life

"In the film Five Easy Pieces starring Jack Nicholson, the main character played by him, works in an oil field for many years after failing to achieve the dream of being a pianist; a dream which his parents created for him. Throughout the film, Jack's character Robert Dupea doesn't really know what he's supposed to do with his life. He keeps running from his fears, his family, and from his past.

Figuring out what you were put on this Earth to do can sometimes be like putting together a jigsaw puzzle when the pieces are spread around the world. Some people don't complete their puzzle because they often don't have the patience, desire, or they're just fearful. However, the five pieces needed to complete the puzzle of your life purpose are actually quite easy to find.

Here are the five easy pieces to piecing together your purpose in life.

1. Recognizing your talents and passions

This is probably the easiest and most common way for people to discover their purpose in life. So we'll start off with it.

Following you talents and passions will lead to fulfillment, happiness, and even money to pay the bills (or even a lot more). Natural born or acquired talents, it doesn't matter; you were given them by someone or something for a reason.

To discover more about your passions and talents, think of:

- What makes you cry with joy.

- What makes you and others smile.

- What people sincerely say you're good at.

- What makes you and others laugh.

- What keeps you up all night because you're so fired up about it.

2. Look to your past

It's difficult sometimes to reflect on our pasts. There are plenty of events I would like to erase from my memory, but I think it's foolish to do so. Instead, we should use it to move us forward and to make sense of where we are now.

Looking to our pasts to get a sense of our purpose has its own puzzle pieces:

- What circumstances were we born into?

Perhaps you were born into poverty. Then your purpose may be to rise above impoverished surroundings and to lead others by example.

- What major mistakes and vices did you parents battle?

Were they abusive, addicted to drugs/alcohol, or did they engage in something else destructive? Well your purpose is not to continue the cycle. You have to break free and again, lead by example.

- What have you failed at?

Failure should never be permanent. It's only there to separate those who want something more than those who don't. If a failure of something affected you so much that you couldn't stop thinking about it, then your purpose is to get back in the game, approach it differently and succeed.

- Who affected you the most in a positive way?

Was it a teacher, author, actor, director, a president, or a local hero? If they changed your life, then perhaps you should carry on their mission as well.

3. There are 4 purposes that unite us all:

1. Be as happy as possible.

2. Live life the way you desire.

3. Change the lives of others. (It often doesn't take as much as you think)

4. Leave the world a little better than when we were born into it.

And yes to all the negative Nancys and Neds: not everyone will fulfill these purposes, but everyone can.

4. Be open to multiple purposes

Many of us have multiple purposes, but often we have one main mission in life, and then other smaller reasons for existing. Perhaps someone is supposed to be a great parent, but also change the world in another way.

Other times, two different purposes can form into a larger one. I've been told that I was pretty good at writing and I should think about turning it into a career, but I always brushed it off. One thing I always wanted to do was change the world. So I decided one day to just combine the two and change the world through my talent of writing.

Our purposes can also vary depending on our age. Commonly it's materialistic in nature when we're younger, but not so much when we get older.

This leads me to the fifth piece of the puzzle…

5. Find out what your purpose in the now is

What you're on this Earth to do today is more important than what your purpose later in life is. Today is guaranteed, tomorrow isn't.

If you think your purpose it to share your art with the world, then start today! If you feel you're supposed to be a social entrepreneur, then get going now! You may find something that'll give your life meaning until the end.

We wait for the perfect moment, but it doesn't exist. Concentrate on your purpose for today, tomorrow, next month, and for the next few years at the most. Life is now, not tomorrow.”

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So, what are you waiting for? Take a notebook and pen and write your answers to the questions posed above. Challenge yourself. Take a fresh look at your life and the things you enjoy. Open up your future to possibility and excitement and fulfillment.

If you would like any help with this exercise or if you would like to be coached towards your ideal life, please don't hesitate to call or e-mail me on 0845 644 3974 or bee@thelifedesignstudio.co.uk

Best wishes

Bee