The Lighter Side of Fire

PST Free Hockey

2010-10-07T08:20:00.000-06:00

To those who enjoyed my work, thanks. This experimental solo project is now joining up with another well-established blogger, The Real Dan Moser. I am moving on to bigger and better things, at PST Free Hockey. Come on over and check it out!

From bad to worse

2010-09-29T10:39:00.000-06:00

Olli Jokinen went down last night with a lower-back injury, making him the third injured center the Flames will have going into the regular season on October 7th. He now joins Langkow and Stajan, and although they may not be undisputed #1 centers in the league, they are still without a doubt the three best centers Calgary has. This effectively means that Craig Conroy is now the team's #1 center.

Yes, that Craig Conroy. The one making $500k a year on a two-way contract, is now Calgary's #1 center heading into the regular season.

I knew it was gonna be a tough season, but I didn't think it could possibly start out like this. Luckily we have lots of defensive prospects, because defensemen are the only players that matter on a team, right boys?

Right!

Now the world is gone, I'm just ONE

2010-09-28T08:47:00.000-06:00

My distaste for Sportsnet has always been fairly rampant and I have never had a problem voicing my displeasure. For years, Calgary Flames fans have been forced to bear their incompetent camera work, watch Nick Kypreos struggle to obtain a grasp on the English language, and listen to Peter Loubardias' absolutely dreadful play-by-play commentary. But now, somehow, the fat cats at Sportsnet have found one more way to fuck their fans:

Introducing: Sportsnet ONE!

I will try to explain the premise of this channel as best as I can. If I am not correct, I would love to have that pointed out. I seriously hope that I just don't understand what they're doing here.

Sportsnet ONE is a new channel, available on Shaw, that shows more sports than Sportsnet. Think of it as TSN 2, except (a) of inferior quality, and (b) unnecessary because Sportsnet does not hold a candle to TSN's broadcasting team, experts, panel members, basically anything that makes a sports show worth watching.

Nick Kypreos prepares for broadcast

Sportsnet West used to show all the Flames and Oilers games on their network. If two games were coinciding, for example, Edmonton played at 6:00pm in Edmonton while Calgary played the same night at 7:30pm in Detroit, one of the two games would be moved to PPV. This meant something like 10 games a year that, if you wanted to watch, you could through PPV. It was bullshit, but at least you didn't have to front the entire cost yourself, and there were "special features", like going inside the dressing room and other weird shit.

Made it that much easier to swallow the $15 price tag. Also, look how small Dion is...

Supposedly, there was enough of a market to require having a channel that is separate for Calgary to show their sports. According to the Flames schedule, there are eighteen Flames games this season broadcast on Sportsnet Calgary...Which still means there are 36 more games broadcast on Sportsnet West.

This means, that in order to watch these games, Flames fans are now forced to subscribe to Sportsnet ONE, so that they can get Sportsnet Calgary, even though there are still games being shown on Sportsnet West.

So many questions pop into my mind it is actually ridiculous:

1. Regional discrepancy

I live in Edmonton. If I order Sportsnet ONE, do I need to order Sportsnet Calgary? Will I be defaulted to Sportsnet Edmonton? I don't fucking want that.

Yeah, we get it.

2. Scheduling

There is one game on the Flames schedule that says Sportsnet Vancouver is broadcasting it. Will I get this channel automatically? Or will I be forced, if I wanted to watch on my TV, to subscribe to another channel for this game?

3. Replacement

Now that Sportsnet West has finally freed up its incredibly busy schedule, what is going to go in place of televised hockey broadcasts? I do not recall ever watching anything of merit on that channel other than hockey games. Not even highlight packages.

Holy fuck. This is Sportsnet's schedule.

This is absurd. At least with PPV you could go to a bar and watch, or have a group of friends over to chip a couple bucks each. Now you need an entire fucking channel. Absolutely obnoxious.

The Wizard of HNIC

2010-09-23T08:18:00.000-06:00

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'

If I only had a brain.

When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.

Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy,
When you're born to be a sissy
Without the vim and verve.
But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess
If I only had the nerve.

My browser sucks ass so I didn't even get a chance to watch that last video. But trust me Kevin Weekes sucks at interviews.

Haikus

2010-09-17T10:46:00.000-06:00

Head coach Brent Sutter

Coaches his teams: "defense first!"

Goals will come later

Ales Kotalik

Headline: "A BROKEN PLAYER"

3mil for two years

Raitis Ivanans

31 year old fighter

What the fuck, Sutter?

Miikka Kiprusoff

Do not bow to false idols

He's the one true God

Flaming horse logo

Let's try to forget that time

Year of the Cowboy

Tampa Bay Lightning

Their alumni now include

Sarich and Feaster

Assistant GM

Will miss $5 footlongs

Only in the States

Olli Jokinen

"Is your cat doing singing?"

Scapegoat for last year

Outdoor hockey threads

I will still buy one..

Pengrowth Saddledome

Fire shoots out of the roof

Only when they score

2010 Flames

One last shot at redemption

Otherwise, rebuild

Costanza?

2010-09-14T08:43:00.000-06:00

For anyone who doesn't follow the Oilers (which is hard to do because all I read anywhere is about how young and exciting they are), the man pictured above is Sheldon Souray.

When big ol' Chris Pronger left Edmonton for greener pastures (as well as two more Stanley Cup finals) in 2006, the Oilers felt the need to replace his physical presence on the blue line. Free agent Sheldon Souray was available, the Oilers acted quickly, and they signed Souray to a big money deal for five years. Souray insisted that he wear #44, probably as an homage to his fallen hero Pronger, and the Oilers let him.

Everything was going quite swimmingly, until last season when the Oilers got wasted and peed themselves that night, waking up in the urine-soaked hellhole that is Edmonton. After missing much of the season due to a hand injury caused by Jarome Iginla, Souray was pretty pissed off with the Oilers in general, going as far as shit-talking them and then demanding a trade.

Fast forward to the last couple of days. Souray shows up at Oilers training camp and the media wants to know whats going on with him and management:

"Things that I said, that's five months ago," Souray told TSN. "We are in a completely different spot now and there is a lot of optimism...It's not awkward at all for me," Souray said. "I just stated some of the facts that I was feeling at the time and that's it. To come back and see the guys is actually a positive thing. Once you kind of get around that camaraderie with the guys that I haven't been around since January of last year, it just picks up your spirits."

Does NOBODY think this is hilarious? This is exactly what George Costanza tried to do in the Seinfeld episode "The Revenge", when he quits his job and then comes to work the next day like nothing happened (embedding disabled by request--> fuck off).

Artist's rendition of Souray's earlier interviews RE: Oilers management

Presenting: The most awkward video of all time

2010-09-11T17:05:00.001-06:00

"So...you're back!"

And with that, Olli Jokinen is quickly becoming my new favorite Flame.

Season preview: Defense

2010-09-09T10:21:00.000-06:00

This is Siegfried and Roy. Siegfried and Roy are magicians who worked in Las Vegas until 2009 when they retired. More importantly, Siegfried and Roy were what one Kieran George and I dressed up as for Halloween last year. You can imagine what that trip to Value Village was like.

This man goes by the alias of Luke Warm. Luke was with Mr. George and I when we dressed up as Siegfried and Roy for Halloween. Our schedule for that day looked something like this:

October 31st, 2009:
10:30--> Wake up. Begin the day with costumes and very little food.
12:00--> Arrive at Luke's house. Wake him up from his drunken slumber and force him to come watch the Golden Bears football game with us.
12:10--> Mike's Hard Lemonade outside Luke's house. Bottles are recycled in the middle of the street.
12:25--> First teamer. An early start to what would certainly be a long day.
2:00--> Board the Edmonton LRT to go to Foote Field. Luke sits next to a Korean girl. To clarify where she is from, he inquires, "you're not one of them North Korean fucks, are ya?".
2:01--> Luke is considerably drunker than we realize.
2:45--> Mickeys in the bathroom are re-deposited into drinks we have purchased. Luke insists on continuing to drink. We obviously let him.
3:00--> Game starts. We sit in the front row directly in front of the cheerleaders. This will certainly not end well.
3:05--> Siegfried and I look around. There sure are a lot of families at this game. We are the only people in the stadium dressed up. Good.
3:15--> Cheerleaders begin a cheer about defense.

"D-E-F! *clap* *clap* E-N-C-E!"

3:16--> We find out that Luke is actually a world-champion at spelling bees. He chooses to share this new-found knowledge with us in the only way that makes sense: by politely correcting these young ladies as to the proper spelling of defense: "IT'S "S", YOU CUNTS".

Personally I can't think of a better way to segway into the season preview for the Calgary Flames defense! First up we have the big man J-Bouw.

Jay Bouw Bouw....ohhh yeah

After what was a mediocre season his books look for Mr. Bouwmeester to have a bounce back year, likely because he will have the privilege of playing next to Giordano, the Italian Stallion.

If you watched any Flames games last year you should already know that Mark Giordano was one of the few bright spots on the team. One year removed from a vacation in Russia, Giordano came back and wowed the fans and the team for pretty much the entire season.

Robyn Regehr was the topic of a lot of trade rumors, especially around July 1st. I was driving around Red Deer, probably buying lots of paint, when I heard on the Fan 960 that there was speculation he was going to be traded for Marc Savard. I wiped the saliva from my mouth and kept driving, but nothing came of it.

Here's my take on Reggie: If a defenceman (I think it's "c" in this case) is being paid $4 million, and is expected to contribute absolutely nothing offensively, he had better be the god-damned best defensive defenceman in the league. Which I don't think he is. So it wouldn't break my heart to see him go.

Cory Sarich is still a cocksucking traitor.

What can you say about Ian White? It's assumed that he was the centerpiece of the Dion Phaneuf trade, because don't try to tell me it was Nik Hagman. So now we have a defenceman signed for one year, one five-dollar footlong away from making $3 million, while Toronto has the most eloquent captain in the league.

Too easy

And then of course, there is Steve Staios, the prophet destined to lead the Flames to the promised land. I got to say one thing though...how sweet would it be to see him lift the Cup in a Flames uniform?

So maybe I'll write something on goaltending tomorrow. I just found out I have to write a 25 page research paper in one of my history classes so that might take up some of my time during the season. Which doesn't even matter because like three people read this blog.

Season Preview: Forwards

2010-09-06T13:54:00.000-06:00

Reunited and it feels so good

Well that was one strange summer. Toiling away on the shores of Pine Lake Alberta, I was unable to hear a damn thing about hockey this summer. The last thing I saw was Dusty Bufyglnginegenge single-handedly beating the Vancouver Canucks in the second round of the playoffs. But, it was worth it to miss out on a bit of hockey, because its for the kids, y'know?

And here we are! Back in September! The month which is chock full of back to school sales, cheap beer, and girls at the bar who were born in 1992.

This is what every eighteen year old girl does

The air is turning crisp and cool, the smells of autumn are creeping into your nose as the leaves change color, and all you can think about is how many more days until the return of the game. The Calgary Flames did some work this summer that I'd like to take a look at. For today: the forwards!

Go on, take the money and run

Eric Nystrom and Chris Higgins are gone. This should not be cause for any concern as their stays in Calgary were not exactly chock full of memories.

For whatever reason, the team decided to bring back the Batman and Robin of underachieving Flames: Olli Jokinen, he of 15 goals, and Alex Tanguay, who hasn't done much of anything since 2001.

Jarome Iginla will be coming off one of his most disappointing seasons ever, scoring a measly 69 points, and somehow these two are going to change things? Well, I guess all you can do is wait and see. After that the forward picture is a little muggy. The Maple Flames Hagman and Stajan are probably going to end up playing together, and then maybe Daymond Langkow will be ok to go eventually?

For those who know and love Peter Loubardias, next time you take a shit, try yelling "STAJAN" in his voice. You will like the results.

Craig Conroy is back as ~~General Manager~~ ~~Assistant Coach~~ ~~Head of player development~~ He's fucking playing again? God damnit.

As far as the other guys go I could give a fuck. Man looking at this team is depressing. Read the tone at the top of this post and then check down here after. That's all it takes to get me pissed off. Can you imagine how much fun its going to be when I talk about Staios tomorrow?

Also: make sure you check out http://www.oilerspill.blogspot.com/ for a nicer website with a better banner than this one.

Post 99

2010-05-05T15:49:00.002-06:00

Am I good or what?

One more

2010-04-15T19:11:00.001-06:00

Ok ok I'm sorry but this one has to get posted. You'll definitely have to click to enlarge but its worth it:

1. Rely bud
2. Bring it Lucas

Edit 7:39pm--> more reaction, I'll start from Lucas...

Sounds like BS

2010-04-14T15:31:00.002-06:00

If this turns into a real rumor, I'm taking all the credit (click to enlarge if you can't read it):

Dick's picks: Eastern Conference

2010-04-14T10:32:00.000-06:00

Today I would like to bring to your attention my picks for the Eastern Conference first round! Can you believe I picked Philadelphia to win the cup last year? Well this is a shot at redemption.

(1) Washington Capitals vs (8) Montreal Canadiens

Washington was far and away the best team in the NHL this year. They had a 120+ point season, unheard of in these days of parity. However there is something to be said about this team: they had the privilege of playing in the Southeastern Division, where there is absolutely dick all for competition. The Atlanta Thrashers finished second in the division, good enough for 10th in the conference. That was their biggest challenge all year. Basically what I'm saying is that although Washington is good, they get to play Florida, Carolina, Atlanta, and Tampa Bay 24 times a year. Even Calgary could manage to make the playoffs if they got to play these bottom-feeders all year. Maybe not, actually..

I still say Capitals take it in 5. I'll give Montreal a game because Washington's goalies do not inspire confidence. My favorite nickname in the league is Jose Threeormore.

(2) New Jersey Devils vs (7) Philadelphia Flyers

The New Jersey Devils let their coach quit his job at the end of last year and go to another NHL team. His name was Brent Sutter and he coaches the Flames.

A man named Jacques Lemaire came in to coach the Devils to the #2 seed in the conference. Jacques Lemaire does not believe in fun. He is one of those dads who doesn't take his kids to the zoo, because it might inspire creativity. He thinks that enrolling his kids in a computer class that teaches Microsoft Excel is fun enough for them.

Whatever he does, he has found success. So it will surprise you that I am picking Philadelphia to beat New Jersey in seven games. Why? I actually just have a gut feeling. What, I don't get paid to do this, I don't have to fuckin' justify any of my picks.

I also am cheering for head coach of the Flyers Peter Laviolette, because he coached Carolina to a cup against Edmonton.

(3) Buffalo Sabres vs (6) Boston Bruins

This series is going to blow, but it is probably going to be over quickly. I am picking the Sabres to win in five games. Here is the recipe that makes this playoff match: Take the best goalie in the league (Buffalo's Ryan Miller) and put him up against the worst offense in the league (Boston). It may shock you to learn there was in fact a team that scored less goals than Calgary this year, and yes it was in fact the Boston Bruins.

Tukka Rask is a good goalie for Boston. I also think its awesome that Toronto traded him for Andrew Raycroft. But he can't score goals for the Bruins. Buffalo should realistically not lose a game, but things happen. It's gonna be funny going back to this pick when Boston ends up sweeping the series.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs (5) Ottawa Senators

Confession period: I only ever cheered for the Senators in the first place because Dany Heatley was playing on the team. I really don't give two shits about the Sens anymore. I pick Pittsburgh in six games because you don't fuck with the reigning champs, who pretty much didn't lose anyone this summer except for Satan and Sykora who were healthy scratches anyways. Ottawa is so streaky. Bruce Mendrikis put it the best when I asked about their streaks: "Lose seven in a row, then win the next thirteen, then lose five and win six". If Ottawa does manage to beat the Penguins, it will be a sweep. Actually, if Ottawa makes it out of the first round, I could see them going 15-4 in the playoffs. That would mean they sweep their way to the finals, get a 3-0 series lead, and lose four games in a row. Lolerific.

I'd like to take this time to change my Vancouver/LA Kings pick. Vancouver's defence is fucked. They are extremely banged up. Flames fans know about the importance of defensive depth in the playoffs. I am picking the Kings in six games, officially changing my bets.

Enjoy playoff hockey!

The internet: a harbour of stupidity

2010-04-13T17:08:00.000-06:00

The internet is one of the funniest concepts to ever be implemented into society. I remember when I took Music 103, Introduction to Popular Music, and we were learning about Napster (what a class). There was a derivation in the lecture about how the internet was started. The notes I took from that class don't talk specifically about the origins of the internet, but I paid attention during the lecture. The internet was basically started in the early 1990s so that universities could share information with one another.

Al Gore either said he invented the internet, or they said it on South Park

One of the biggest things to come from the internet was the concept of "file sharing". Through "file sharing", people could do literally that, which was sharing files. Whether it be a Microsoft Word document or an MP3 file, a file was a file was a file. There were a couple people who got pissed off at this: Dr. Dre and Metallica.

They tried to sue Napster, a file sharing service, and won. I'm not sure what happened from there, but whatever they did, they sure didn't do a very good job of it. Spin-offs of Napster soon started springing up everywhere, like Bearshare and Limewire. As far as I know these programs haven't been shut down yet so way to go guys.

The doctor is in

When I was just a young scrapper I used the internet for two things: MSN Messenger (which has now been replaced by fb chat (actually)), and downloading as much shitty music as I could off the programs mentioned above (like Papa Roach's Lovehatetragedy album...who am I?). But now, I have a new interest in the internet, thanks mostly to one Keiran George, AKA josh_uk.

josh_uk goes onto a site like Youtube every so often and starts a flaming war, for no reason whatsoever. For example, on a video about hockey, josh_uk can be found writing comments such as "America is so fucked...guess thats what happens when u put 300mil inbred hicks in a country". Of course, josh_uk is assumed to be British. After all, his username has _uk at the end of it. The responses that come from this are hilarious, as people will begin to lay into josh_uk, writing things such as how Britain would have been fucked in WWII if the Americans didn't save their asses, or other examples such as this.

The point is, josh_uk has given me insight into my new use for the internet: provoking idiots. I have been going onto Facebook's "Official Calgary Flames Hockey Club" fan page, and writing down the stupidest suggestions I could think of, in an attempt to see if people would actually pay attention to me. What follows are my first two attempts at this degenerate behavior:

My suggestion to hire Mike Keenan as General Manager didn't go over too well. I also came up with a hell of a trade for the team:

Looks like Chris Yul didn't get the joke. I hope he reads this.

Anyways, I can see this getting very out of control by the time I get really into finals, as I'm going to be bored and pissed off in general. Its no josh_uk level of destruction yet, but don't doubt me. Feel free to join me on the fan page and harass idiots.

Playoff picks: Western Conference

2010-04-12T13:49:00.000-06:00

Everyone's got an opinion on whats going on in the playoffs this year. I might as well throw in my two cents.

(1) San Jose Sharks vs (8) Colorado Avalanche

This was such a sweet series in 03/04, I still remember when Cheechoo scored a deflection goal through his legs. For this series, I say Sharks in four. Bold? You bet. There is no way that San Jose is going to fuck things up this year. Is their situation as bad as Calgary's? Maybe a little worse. Calgary knows what their issues are. There is no scoring, there were locker room problems, among other reasons. San Jose's problem is that they have no problems to address. This should mean that finding success in the playoffs should occur. The problem is, they've got the scoring, the defence, and the goaltending to win. And for some reason they fail over and over again. If the Sharks lose in the first round, what more can you even do to tweak for next season?

On another note, fuck Colorado Enjoy your two home playoff games. Know what? I'm glad Colorado finished eighth instead of Calgary. Seven months of hockey is plenty. Who really needs to watch hockey in May and June anyways?

Also, their head coach looks like my physics teacher from Grade 11 (RIP).

(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs (7) Nashville Predators

Yes, that is the Yellow Power Ranger's Zord; a Nashville Predator. Every year the playoffs come around, and just about every year Nashville gets a lower seed. It's enough. Stop making the playoffs so you can lose in five or six. It's getting a little annoying. I will say Blackhawks in six, purely because I absolutely do not trust their goaltenders as far as I can throw them. When we did our hockey pool at the beginning of the season I thought goaltending was my strongest position. I had Cristobal Huet and Ray Emery. Please, have a "lol" at my expense.

I was watching Deadliest Warrior on Spike yesterday and I got thinking, what if these two teams were actually what their mascots are? Who would win in a fight between an actual Indian chief and a sabretooth tiger? It would be pretty sweet. Just food for thought.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs (6) LA Kings

It kills me to say, but the Canucks will beat the Kings in seven games. Luongo won't fall apart until the second round. On a different note, Alex Burrows is a jerk. In an interview that took place before the playoff matchups were determined, this is what he had to say about Detroit:

When asked by AOL FanHouse about playing Detroit in the playoffs, Burrows said, "We don't mind facing anyone, but as far as Detroit, the only thing I dislike is having to fly there and having to stay there, to have to spend a couple of days in that city."

Are you fucked? Why on earth would you actually say that? Talk about the team you're playing against. Maybe how Holmstrom crashes the net too hard or how Bertuzzi shouldn't have an NHL job. You do not talk about how you dislike a city. That's an embarrassing quote.

Anyways, the Kings probably aren't ready for the playoffs. I would so love to be wrong.

(4) Phoenix Coyotes vs (5) Detroit Red Wings

This series could honestly be a coin flip. Both of these teams worked extremely hard to finish as the four and five seeds, and it is awesome that one of the two will go to the second round of the playoffs. Detroit is a popular pick because down the stretch they looked unbelievable, but as I have analyzed in earlier posts, their schedule was super easy, including two matchups against Edmonton and three against Columbus. Also, they're Detroit. They seem to play pretty well in the playoffs in general.

I truly believe Phoenix will win this series. In seven games. Hell, maybe they'll even sell out the seventh game in Glendale. There is one reason why I pick Phoenix, and that is Ilya Bryzgalov. I honestly think he is the funniest hockey player in the league, as well as one of the best goaltenders.

Bryzgalov talks after Giguere

I remember in 05/06 when Calgary played Anaheim in the first round and ran Giguere out of town. Coach Carlyle puts in some Russian dude with a hard name to say and Flames fans start laughing, dreaming of another cup run. All of a sudden, they can't score to save their lives, and Bryz takes the Ducks to the Conference Finals. Never doubt a hot goaltender.

Stay tuned for my Eastern Conference picks!

Seperate entirely

2010-04-10T14:25:00.001-06:00

Obviously this blog lost most of the steam it had a while ago and I'd like to address just what the hell happened there. The whole point of doing this was for fun, and when it stopped being fun writing about the Flames, I stopped writing altogether. I'll give an example. It would be awesome to write about how the Flames had a decent team and looked like they had their shit together to make a run at the playoffs. I can handle the team losing games here and there, but its got to be for different reasons.

During more or less all of March and April, every gameday post would have looked something like this:

"The Flames really need to win to have a chance at the playoffs. The [team Calgary is playing that night] should be beatable but we'll probably lose".

Every post-game would look like so:

"The Flames lost again because they scored one goal. Nobody cares what happens this season".

That is boring stuff to write about. It's not even the post-games that killed me to write, it was the preamble to them; the pre-game. Every single game was a big game, and saying that over and over again sucks.

Well, now that I'm logged on I might as well write about something.

If you don't know who this is, stop reading this blog, print off this picture, bring it to a library, and throw yourself off the top of the building. This is Josef Stalin. Josef Stalin was a dick. He killed a bunch of his own citizens before, during, and after WWII, then took most of the credit for when the Red Army eventually made its way to Berlin. One of his war-time strategies was a scorched earth policy. As the Soviets were retreating into the heart of Russia in 1941, Stalin ordered the Red Army to literally burn everything to the ground. This way, the invading Nazi soldiers would not find any spoils of war such as clothing or food. Instead they would find rubble and destroyed towns. This eventually did play a big part in helping the Soviet Union's cause, but at the expense of having to burn down cities.

Darryl Sutter is not Josef Stalin, nor will I ever compare anyone to Stalin. But what Darryl has done to the Flames looks similar to what went down in 1941, with the scorched-earth policy. If you read this, I assume you have some knowledge of hockey and the Flames. The following is a list of players who I would like to point out that are signed for next season and how much money they will make:

Forwards: Hagman (3.0m), Kotalik (3.0m), Stajan (3.5). Those are three players who Darryl all traded for this season. He inherited the contracts of Hagman and Kotalik but still knew what he was getting into. By trying to justify his plans and take on big, useless, contracts like these, Sutter has effectively set $9 million on fire. Nik Hagman is dogshit. Kotalik couldn't give less of a fuck if he tried. Stajan is NOT A NUMBER ONE CENTER.

Defencemen: Regher (4.0m), Sarich (3.7m), Staios (2.7m). Regher's utility is up for debate. Personally, I'm tired of hearing how valuable he is as a shut-down defenceman. He makes four million dollars a season. If he makes that kind of money not to get points, he better be the best fucking defenceman in the league. Sarich infuriates me beyond belief, watching him play hockey is one of the most frustrating endeavors I can undertake. Steve Staios. Just...Steve Staios. Boom, there is $10 million burned. Darryl Sutter has effectively burned the organization down on his way out.

I refuse to talk shit about Kiprusoff because 1. He is the only reason we competed at all this season, 2. He quit hacking darts because he wants to be a better role model for kids, and 3. I have his jersey.

In an effort to be a better role model, Kiprusoff no longer chain smokes with Dion Phaneuf

If you can't see, yes, that is Kiprusoff lighting a cigarette off another cigarette. He no longer does this. Go Kipper Go.

Should Sutter be fired? Probably. In any other profession when someone does not do their job to a level of satisfaction their organization wants, they are replaced. If he isn't fired, it means that the Flames organization is happy with mediocrity. But what poor fool would even replace him? The guy would be walking into a disastrous amount of bad contracts with no prospects and zero first round picks.

(EDIT 2:35pm Sunday April 12--> Removed my mother's joke)

Well that's it. A hell of a 30th season in Calgary. My favorite part? The time I bought a retro Iginla jersey with the 30th patch on the chest. The season he scored 70pts (69 at the time I am writing this). A close second for favorite moment? The Flames, officially eliminated from playoffs, go to the Saddledome for fan appreciation night to play their last home game of the season against the Minnesota Wild. They score one goal in the game and lose. Again.

Bandwagon picks: Pittsburgh and LA. I cheered for the Penguins all last year so respect is due, and I have a Robitaille jersey from when he played for the Kings, plus they might play the Canucks in the first round. There's actually a decent story behind that Robitaille jersey. I originally ordered a Ziggy Palffy jersey, then about eight days into the order a story came out:

AP Online
11-05-2003
Dateline: LOS ANGELES
Los Angeles Kings forward Ziggy Palffy won't face charges for a confrontation with his girlfriend, the team and his attorney said.

Palffy was arrested Oct. 26 for investigation of domestic battery. Police said there was a physical altercation at Palffy's home and that the woman sustained minor injuries.

I decided to change the order to a Robitaille because he is a pretty good bet not to fuck up.

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

2010-04-01T09:02:00.000-06:00

The DENNIS System is a way that the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia teaches its viewers the "proper" way to attract and pick up women. Dennis, one of the main characters, creates an acronym (university word) out of the letters in his name. The steps are laid out pretty straightforward: Demonstrate value, Engage physically, Nurture dependence, Neglect emotionally, Inspire hope, and Separate entirely.

Of course, there are alternative systems. The MAC System, aptly named after the character Mac, is one in which you go and pick up the pieces of the shattered heart of the Dennis System. Move in After Completion. My personal favorite is Frank's method, in which you walk around with a stack of $100 bills and a bunch of Magnum Condoms, thus demonstrating the value of your large dong.

What I didn't realize until now is that the Calgary Flames were never really interested in dating their fans or making them feel special. They've simply been DENNISing us up to this point.

Demonstrate value
Anytime your team starts the season 4-0 while beating the absolute piss out of opponents (not to mention a couple of last-second victories), their value is being demonstrated to you. Not to mention the November they had where it looked like after so many years of waiting, things were finally going to be turned around.

Engage physically
Sure the Flames didn't take us back to their room to "show us their guinea pig", but this was about the time of November I would say. Wins start piling up, Iggy is scoring, Kipper is unbeatable. Hell even CuMac might have won a game by this point. It was right about here that the Flames began to

Nurture dependance
Now that the city of Calgary was getting used to having a top-tier hockey team, it became time to rip that out of their hearts and show the fans how pointless their existence was without them doing well. Enter December. This was probably the beginning of the end for the Flames as the goals began to dry up and the wins were few and far between (I've always wanted to use that expression). Little did the fans know how far into the DENNIS system they were getting.

Neglect emotionally
If you watched the team this season, I do not need to tell you that this was the month of January. For those who weren't paying attention, it was during January that the Flames lost nine games in a row, including a 9-1 drubbing by the San Jose Sharks. It was about this time that fans were feeling emotionally neglected. If they put so much into this team, couldn't the players do it too? What came next would

Inspire hope
February rolls around, the Flames aren't playing like complete shitgarbage, and then the Olympics happen. Iginla torches Norway for three goals in the opener and scores a couple more against the hockey powerhouse of Germany. Flames fans are not especially impressed with what he has done in the tournament. But then, redemption:

I even wrote a haiku to commemorate the occasion:
Sid the kid Crosby
Scores in the first overtime
The feed from Iggy

That is just the beginning of the inspiration of hope, as it is currently where we are now. The Flames win four in a row in March and then beat the Capitals and Coyotes to pull within two points of 8th place Colorado. Suddenly, there is a chance for optimism. However friends I'm sorry to tell you, the 10% chance the Flames have at the playoffs could very well be ended Friday night, as the team prepares to

Separate entirely
And like the first track of Jay Z's Black Album, "all things must conclude. It is an inevitable part of the cycle of existence". The Flames will surely find a way to lose to one of Colorado, Chicago, or San Jose, thus completing the DENNIS System and ending this misery of a 30th campaign.

The end of the line; Flames lose

2010-03-26T10:08:00.000-06:00

Congratulations to San Jose and Chicago for clinching playoff berths last night. Same old story. Flames needed to win and didn't. Calgary can earn a maximum of 16 points to finish with 99 on the season. Detroit can earn a possible 18 points and finish with 105. So safe to say, Detroit needs about 10 more points to put them at 97 and clinch the 8th seed in the Western Conference. Those ten points can come in a combination of Detroit wins, Calgary losses, or a combination of the two.

Ten points is about five wins. Let's look at who Detroit plays in their last nine games of the season, and see if its reasonable to get five wins: Minnesota, Nashville, Edmonton, Columbus, Nashville, Philly, Columbus, Columbus, Chicago. Detroit plays Edmonton and Columbus four times total. They might lose one of those games. There's three wins for six points. At the same time, lets see who the Flames play and their expected outcomes: Boston, Washington, Phoenix, Colorado, Chicago, San Jose, Minnesota, Vancouver. Every single team except for Minnesota is in the playoffs right now.

Start the five stages of grief now, cause this ain't happenin'. I'm past denial (around January), anger (February), bargaining (March), and straight into depression. I guess acceptance will have to wait until Calgary goes to the draft without a first, second, or third round pick. Meanwhile, this blog might end up being less about hockey and more about shit that I notice. Like how Metallica managed the scam the world for 20yrs. I'll write something about that later.

Gameday March 25 @ NYI

2010-03-25T10:20:00.000-06:00

Team photo 09/10

Detroit keeps winning, and even though they have the same number of wins as Calgary, its the OTLs that give them four more points on the 8th spot in the conference.

I always hated Dwayne Roloson, even when he was on the Flames. I remember when the tandem was Roli and Rick Tabaracci. I always wanted Tab to start when I was a kid, because his name was way more fun to say and my name was basically Rick. Anyways, because I hate the Oilers, and because I hate Roloson, I will never forget where I was when the above picture was taken.

That of course was in game one of the 2005-2006 Stanley Cup Finals, when Dwayne Roloson, who was literally ready to stop any shot sent at him those playoffs, was crippled by his own teammate. That was absolutely what cost Edmonton the cup that year, and it also made a southern city in Alberta the world's best Carolina Hurricanes fans.

Now, Dwayne Roloson is an Islander. The Oiler's who once coveted his services for three years turned their backs on him this summer, deciding to sign another 35 year old with a drinking problem in Khabibulin. And they are paying for it. Roloson's stats on the Islanders, the team with the worst record in the league last year, are dec. He is 22-17-6 with a .910 save%. Not too shabby, and I was surprised he wasn't moved at the deadline. I guess that's what happens when your General Manager is your ex-backup goaltender, but at this point who am I to make fun of another team's GM...

The Flames are not going to make the playoffs, but if you want a reason to watch the game, think about this: these last nine games are basically auditions for next year, which gives everyone something to play for. Plus its fun watching Roloson lose his temper.

Day old hate; Flames lose

2010-03-22T12:50:00.000-06:00

Daymond Langkow is a fucking warrior and one of my favorite Flames to date. I almost bought his jersey a couple years ago, but instead spend all my money on vodka and other important things (like scotch). But he took a puck to the back of his neck yesterday, and that fucking sucks. The story is on the link, and the video is right here:

My computer is a piece of shit and won't post the picture of the Western Conference standings I had, but trust me when I say that the Flames are in rough shape (still). Detroit is two points up with one game in hand, but they play Pittsburgh in Detroit tonight.

I cheered for the Penguins all of last year's playoffs and I will be screaming for them to win tonight.

If my internet wasn't a piece of garbage I'd write something about Phoenix right now but maybe it will be better tomorrow.

Gameday March 21 @ MIN

2010-03-21T11:04:00.000-06:00

Bring your weak-ass shit

I walked out of that movie because I did not think it was funny at all. I still am not really impressed with it. But because I am a whore for easy references, I'm using it to convey the message to the reader that the game today is at 1:00pm or 1300hrs if you are on military time (like me).

Vancouver managed to fuck up beating Detroit last night, not the first such time:

Calgary needs this win to keep pace with the big red machine.

Stagnation; Flames win

2010-03-20T12:59:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and didn't know what the fuck happened last night. This is the result going to the campus bar at 5:00, then drinking a bottle of wine. One thing's for sure, though.

The Flames are tied with Detroit, who gets to be in eighth because they have played less games. Detroit plays Vancouver tonight. I hope this is the last time I ever have to say, LETS GO CANUCKS!!!!

Fuck what a lame franchise

That is such a weak song to play when you win a game. Calgary has the better song, but Vancouver has the division right now. So take your pick.

And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire

Everyone in the world should watch this next video. Its probably too big to watch on this fuckin' blog website but just click it to get to youtube:

Gameday March 19 vs SJS

2010-03-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

The Sharks are in town to play the Flames, but more importantly they are coming to Edmonton after that to play the Oilers. What's so important about that you may ask? Loyal readers its now time to share with you the story of the time I met Joe Thornton.

I have been a fan of the Sharks since 03/04 (as in, before it was cool). I still remember the day that Jumbo Joe went to San Jose from Boston. Want to know how big of a fan I was? I was worried that Marco Sturm and Brad Stuart would end up being worth more than him (HA). Anyways, my story begins in a university residence building...

If you live in a residence and you are social at all, by that I mean you at the very least watch some TV in the common room and brush your teeth every night (a good way to meet the boys), then by the time second semester rolls around you know your fair share of people in the building. As for me, I was quite social (drank to excess 2+ nights a week), and I was a second year in the building. So by the time second semester of second year rolled around, I knew quite a few people in the building.

Ah yes, the Ranch. Former home of dollar hi-balls on Wednesday. Needless to say, if you brought about $20 for drinks and a ride home, you could get yourself proper fucked on a Wednesday night. Anyways, I am not a frequenter of bars. The scene is not for me, you have to dress up and pretend to dance with girls, and the bartenders never serve you more than seven shots at a time (as Keiren George can attest to). But on one night the stars aligned in January 2009, I was in a position where I would know everybody at the bar (because of residence), and hell I wasn't doing anything better so we decided to go to the Ranch for this drink special.

Affliction? Christ.

We pre-game pretty hard for the Ranch, show up, get a million hi-balls for dirt cheap, and have one hell of a night. It was actually the best time I've had at a bar, a good atmosphere where everyone knew everyone, it was sweet. The night was coming to a close and I was wasted walking out the door. It was at that point that my friend Matt Van Roijen ran up to me before I left the bar and we shared an exchange:

MVR: Dick, did you see who's here?

Me: Huh? Whuzzat?

MVR: Dude, the Sharks are here! The San Jose Sharks!

At this time he pointed towards the lineup at the door where I witnessed first-hand Jeremy Roenick running to the front of the line, looking at the girl taking cover, and saying "I'm a hockey player".

I ran back into the bar to see who else was there. I for sure saw Ryan Clowe and maybe one other dude, but like Abu the monkey when he saw the forbidden treasure in the Cave of Wonders, I saw my own forbidden treasure: Joe Fucking Thornton.

It was Jumbo Joe himself, there was no doubt about it. I would have recognized those sideburns even with a couple more drinks in me. Joe was surrounded by a bunch of people at this time, and had I been more sober I might have walked away. But nothing was going to stop me that night from meeting the best player on the Sharks. I tried to weasel my way into the crowd but made little progress. Blinded by one of my hockey heroes, all I could do was turn to the guy next to me:

Me: Dude...that's Joe Thornton!

Some guy: Uh...yea, it is...

I was intrigued at his lack of enthusiasm at first, but I assumed he wasn't a hockey fan. The guy then looked at me confused, turned to Joe, and got his attention for me. It was at this point that I got to shake hands with Joe Thornton and probably make an ass of myself. I don't remember it totally but I said some shit like "I love the Sharks man", and "I dig your work bro!". I left the Ranch that night on the highest of highs; I actually was so jacked that I tried to slide down a staircase banister and fell off and hurt my back pretty good.

I awoke the next morning still so excited that the Sharks went to the same POS bar as me, and that I met Joe Thornton and got to shake his hand. The first person I ran into was Matt:

MVR: Dude...do you remember what you did last night?

Me: Of course man, I saw the San Jose Sharks! And I met Joe Thornton!

MVR: Man, do you know who you said "that's Joe Thornton" to?

Me: What? No, who?

Patrick Marleau. Just the captain (at the time) of the Sharks. I informed Patrick Marleau that he was, indeed, sitting next to Joe Thornton. Just in case he didn't realize it himself. I then went on to explain how much I loved the Sharks. Fuck, it is exhausting being me. Game tonight at 7:00pm.

Rene Wolfcastle; Flames win

2010-03-18T09:43:00.000-06:00

Artist rendition of Rene Bourque's second goal Wednesday night @ COL

The Flames came into Colorado last night and were able to walk out with a huge win, but saying that has sort of lost its value at this point in the season. Remember January? I try to forget about it too; it was the month when Calgary lost nine games in a row, forgot how to score, and more or less forgot how to play in general. Out of those nine games, imagine if the Flames had even won less than half of them. Let's say they beat Columbus, Anaheim, Dallas, and St. Louis instead of losing to all of those teams (technically Columbus was before the stretch, but fuck off). That would have netted them an extra six points (because they lost to Dallas and St. Louis in OT). Those six points would have gone miles now.

Calgary is now one point back of Detroit, who has a game in hand on the Flames. Detroit is chilling out in Kelowna right now, which should probably be a nice break for the big red machine. Alas, just when you think that the Flames might have some positive momentum going on their side, one look at who they play next rips your heart out of your chest while Goliath steps on it.

Highlights from the 9-1 loss earlier in January:

Meanwhile, who does Detroit have to play next?

Here's some footage from Oilers' practice:

Gameday March 17 @ COL

2010-03-17T09:33:00.000-06:00

Road warriors

The Flames traveled the most miles in the NHL this year, I forget where I read it but Google it if you actually don't believe me. I thought this would have more of an impact on their away record than their home one but the opposite is actually true. The Flames are barely over .500 at home this year (17-16-3), while they are are a dominating force on the road (17-10-6). Historically, the opposite is true as well. In 08-09 the Flames finished 19-20-2 on the road while winning 27 home games, and it was even worse in 06-07 for anyone who can remember back that far. That year the Flames won a measly 13 games on the road while winning 30 at home.

Honestly I don't know how to account for this, it might just be an anomaly. Brent Sutter coached the Devils before this. The Devils are not exactly a team that has to move around a lot, even when they are on the road.

Most of the NHL teams in the Eastern Conference, as you can see, are situated off the Atlantic Coast. This could not account for Sutter being used to long road trips and knowing how to prepare a team for them.

Either way, that's the way she goes and the Flames have the majority of their games on the road at this point. It's a weird thing to be happy about, but when you sit three points out of a playoff spot with no first-round draft pick, you try to find hope wherever you can. Flames in Colorado tonight; the only thing they can hope for is that Colorado got tired flying out to St. Louis to have to play a game in Denver tonight.

Intervention!

If you're like me and not going out for St. Patrick's Day because you have a nutrition midterm tonight at 7:00pm (sweet), just do what I'm doing and throw on some Always Sunny. At least they run an Irish pub in the show.