The Lighthearted Corner

Long Story Short

2015-03-18T08:11:00.000-04:00

Did I ever tell you about the time in mid-February of this year, when I was grandson-sitting and received the political education of my life from one of them?

No?

Well, long story short.... as I said, I was tending my grand-boys, they are 8 and 9 years old, and we were at the table in the dining area eating the breakfast I had prepared.. It was the day before President's Day so I asked them if they knew what tomorrow was.

The younger grandson, without missing a beat nonchalantly responded, "It's President's Day."

Both of my grandsons are smart, and I knew that they had been studying current events in school. I wanted to test them further, so I ask, "What does President's Day mean?."

Again, not taking his eyes off his breakfast, the younger of the two replied, "On President's Day, the President walks outside his White House..... and if he sees his shadow on the ground, we will have another year of Bull Shit!"

You know...... it hurts really bad when hot coffee spurts out your nose!!!!

Long Story Short

2014-09-08T07:04:00.000-04:00

Did I ever tell you about the trip I took to New York City a couple of years ago? No? Well, long story short.

The occasion was to visit with the young son of one of my Scottish relatives, whom I had never met and was here in the states for a short vacation.

We met at McSorley's Old Ale House on 15 East 7th Street and were sitting there enjoying a pint of Ale when a couple of his pals who traveled across the big pond with him, walked in. One was an old, portly balding English gent from London and the other a stout redheaded Irishman from Dublin.

Spotting my cousin they bellied up to the bar next to us.

After several rounds of Ale and many tales of various sorts, our conservation became somewhat melancholy with the three of them reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Dublin," says the Irishman, raising his pint of Ale high in the air, "fer every four pints I order, they give me one fer free!"

Not to be outdone, slamming his pint on the bar, the Englishman says, "In me pub in London, I pay fer two pint's o' Guinness and they give me a third one free!"

Taking a huge swig of his pint, my cousin emphatically brags, "That's nuthin'" he says, "In my pub, back in Glasgow, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" I ask incredulously,. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," he says, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

2014-08-26T07:52:00.000-04:00

He was hatched in a firehouse !

Post by haberinbizden.com.

Long Story Short - Peeing On The Flowers

2014-08-20T08:46:00.000-04:00

Did I ever tell you about my daughter's neighbor who found herself in a pickle with the law?

No?

Well, long story short, this neighbor has long been known as a sweet and likable little old lady, who minded her own business and tended her garden.... until last Wednesday that is.

Reports have her walking down the street that day, dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 would spill out onto the sidewalk.

A Sheriff's Deputy, driving by, happened to notice this and pulled over. Approached her he said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!" the little old lady said. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast, ma'am" said the Deputy, "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see officer, my back yard is right next to the Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower beds.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence, next to the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him by grabbing hold of it and saying, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

Laughing the Deputy says, "Well, that seems only fair. By the way, what's in the other bag?"

“Not everybody pays", she responds.

Joined The Swim at the Local YMCA

2014-01-28T02:59:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Did I ever tell you about the time I joined the local 'Y'?

No?

Well, long story short, anybody looking at me will tell you I'm not the best specimen for the Healthy Man of the Year poster, so I decided to do something about it and joined the YMCA's swim club.

Last week I got caught taking a whiz in the pool and the swimming instructor yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in!

Some things can't be replaced

2014-01-11T09:18:00.000-05:00

Amazing Dog

2014-01-01T10:23:00.001-05:00

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog.

Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife."Fetch the Bible," he commanded.

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.

One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.

He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"

May Your Day be full of Geriatrics

2014-01-01T09:37:00.004-05:00

Christmas Cheer Letter From Mother to Son

2013-12-19T22:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Darling Son .... and that person you married,

Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry, I'm just fine... considering I cant' breathe or eat.

The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've send along my last ten dollars with this letter, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice.

They look so thin in their pictures, the poor babies.

Thank you so much for the flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me... we buried grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got a yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Bertha and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I knew that woman you live with would not have let you come.

I bet she never has even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and I'm grateful because the frost on the bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think of sending me any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grand babies and regards to what-ever-her-name-is --- the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas,

Love,

Mother

The End of a Perfect Day ! Warning... This may scare the Crap Out of You!!!!

2013-11-11T10:12:00.002-05:00

Homo Slackass-Erectus

2013-09-05T19:41:00.001-04:00

Squeezer

2013-07-11T16:35:00.002-04:00

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."

Long Story Short

2013-07-04T16:52:00.003-04:00

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time my cousin got a bike?

No, well long story short, ole cuz told me that as a young man he had prayed and prayed and prayed for a bike but he never got one...

Cuz was a reasoning sort and he soon realized that he was doing it all wrong and that God didn't work that way...

So, he stole the bike and prayed for forgiveness...

Did You Hear the Latest Obama Scandal

2013-07-02T12:44:00.000-04:00

Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?"
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6 Extortion 17?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president demoralizing and breaking down the military?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the Boston Bombing?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president wanting to kill Americans with drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, e-mails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons and falsely blaming the sequester?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "HHS employees being given insider information on Medicare Advantage?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters stuck us again with the most corrupt administration in American history?"
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"

Back Seat Eyeball Licking Never Caught on in USA

2013-06-16T07:58:00.001-04:00

Health Alert
Japanese "eyeball licking" trend carries blindness risk - CBS News

Math Lovers Quiz

2013-06-11T22:52:00.002-04:00

1. Take your shoe size.(only whole sizes)

2. Multiply it by 5.

3. Add 50.

4. Multiply by 20 ...

5. Add 1012, or 1013 if your birthday has already occurred.

6. Subtract the year u were born

The first digit is your shoe size while the last 2 digits are your age.

Bowl From Your Chair

2013-06-10T22:41:00.001-04:00

Click Here and Let's Go Bowling

Long Story Short

2013-05-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

Hey,

Did I ever tell you about old Billy Bob?

No?

Well, long story short, old Billy Bob and his wife were expecting their first child. Keeping up with the care required during a pregnancy they found themselves in a room full of other pregnant women and their husbands.

A nurse tells the ladies, "Remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

To the men she says, "Remember gentlemen-- you're both in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments old Billy Bob, sitting near his wife at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Nurse.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!!

A Really Long Story Short

2013-04-24T21:29:00.000-04:00

Hey,

Did I ever tell you the most important information I ever received was from my now long dead Grandfather?

No?

Well, I was around 12 or so years of age at the time.

I remember that Pa and I were standing at the edge of one of his many freshly planted cotton fields.

Placing his hand on my shoulder he turned me toward him and said, 'Boy, one day not too far off, you will find a woman, get married and start your own family.'

Bowing his head slightly he continued, "When you do be sure she has small hands."

"Why should I do that, Pa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger, son!"

I'm a bit misty eyed thinking about that day...

Dick Will Make You Slap Somebody

2013-04-11T20:24:00.000-04:00

Finish your story.... I want to know why Dick will make you slap somebody.

Hey! Where's the Beef!

2013-04-05T10:47:00.000-04:00

Long Story Short

2013-03-28T20:34:00.002-04:00

Hey,

Did I ever tell you about the day Cuz'n Jim Bo went to see the doctor?

No?

Well, long story short.... Jim Bo walked into the doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Old cuz said: 'Shingles.' So the receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Jim Bo what he had and he said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Jim Bo what he had. Again he said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Jim Bo sitting patiently in the nude and asked what he had.

'Shingles,' Jim Bo answered.

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Feds: No charges in cop shooting

2013-03-25T15:26:00.001-04:00

Feds: No charges in cop shooting: "Federal investigators will not indict the former Eutawville police chief in the shooting death of 54-year-old Bernard Bailey.

S.C. First Circuit Solicitor David Pascoe said he was informed earlier this month that the Department of Justice has concluded its investigation into the fatal 2011 shooting.

Pascoe said the conclusion of the federal investigation will not end the matter, however, as his office will conduct its own investigation while poring over the 500-page federal case file."

'via Blog this'

Investigation continues after Eutawville police chief shoots man - wistv.com - Columbia, South Carolina |

2013-03-25T15:06:00.001-04:00

Bernard Bailey

Investigation continues after Eutawville police chief shoots man - wistv.com - Columbia, South Carolina |: "Authorities say Eutawville Police Chief Richard Combs shot and killed 54-year-old Bernard Bailey three times Monday morning. "

Latest Tweet: 25 March, 2013

‏@DawndyWISTV9m

Federal authorities decide to not pursue charges against Eutawville Police Chief. Details on @wis10 at 4pm. #wis10 #sctweets #Law #police

'via Blog this'

Gramps Revenge

2013-03-21T04:26:00.002-04:00

I remember thinking to myself, "Boy, it is going to be great to be a Granddad". Time to fill this one with chocolate and send her home to mommy.