The Lincoln's Life

We have a DAUGHTER!

2016-07-11T15:52:00.000-06:00

We received LOA today which is a letter of approval from the CCCWA in China saying they approve the adoption of our daughter. This is a HUGE step and puts us 8-10 weeks away from traveling. And, now I am able to share some info (and a picture!) of our sweet girl! But, first... a long story :)

We started the adoption process over three years ago. Adopting from China has always been on my heart, but the adoption needs there have changed. This is a good thing! Back when I first decided (in high school) that I wanted to adopt a girl from China, girls were being abandoned by families so they could try again for a boy, keeping with the one child per household restriction. China's laws have progressed and, thankfully, that is just not happening anymore. So, when we began exploring Chinese adoption, we knew we'd adopt from their special needs program. Medical care in China is expensive and without insurances to help, if your child is born with a medical need that you can't afford to care for, you're left with few options. Back when we began, I felt in my gut that we were to have a daughter with cleft lip and palate. We had taken some classes about the varying special needs that Chinese children frequently had, and clefts seemed the "manageable" choice. Plus, I fell in love with a few babies online with their cute little cleft lipped smiles and I felt pretty sure one of those special smiles was in my future. So, we set our medical profile to a baby girl, less than 3 with a cleft lip and palate or a very minor heart condition (meaning one that would not require surgery) and we waited. The wait for a child that matches that "profile" is about 2 years.

Fast forward a little over a year and Crosby is born with a heart condition. You all know the story, we decide that adoption, at least for now, is off the table. We never pulled out of the program though, we simply removed the cleft lip and palate option and now were left with only minor heart conditions, for which the wait is significantly longer... so long in fact that we had virtually zero chance of ever being called on. Which, at that time, was what we needed.

Fast forward two years. Crosby is two, we're back on the adoption track! We had considered so many variables that led us right back to our path of a child with a cleft lip and palate from China. So, we added that back to our checklist and started getting ourselves current with our home study and immigration so that we could be matched! They keep your spot in line, so we were first and ready to go as soon as we were current on everything.

Now, the medical checklist does have a need listed as moderate/major heart conditions. We had never been open to that need. In the classes, there were several things about the heart discussed and, honestly, most of it scared the bejeezus out of me. Tetralogy of Fallot was one that I specifically remember being like... "ooooh no, that sounds really scary".

Can you guess where I'm going with this?

It had been 3 years since we'd taken those classes, and I had not thought any further about any of those needs since. We had decided on cleft lip and palate. BUT, as we began saving money, doing our home study, and preparing to be matched this time around, I bean having dreams. Well, not dreams I guess, just WORDS. Three little words coming to me over and over again in my sleep. TETRALOGY OF FALLOT. This happened for over a week before I worked up the nerve to talk to Ritchie about it. Ritchie has always been up for adoption, but it's my dream, not his. I didn't want to add to it or make it more challenging or scary than it already is. But, the words. They were calling to me. Crosby had a cardiology appointment coming soon so we decided not to change the medical checklist yet, but to ask our cardiologist about the major heart conditions that China typically sees in their children (I had gotten a short list from our agency), including Tetralogy of Fallot.

There was one specific condition that she warned was pretty complex, but other than that we left feeling pretty confident that we were now open to moderate/major heart conditions. It's crazy to think we didn't consider it at first because A. Crosby has what is considered a major heart condition and 2. we have a children's cardiologist and are already in that world!

Anyway, so we added that to the checklist and finished up everything we needed to. The words in my sleep had stopped, but in my gut I knew we'd have a daughter with a heart condition, specifically Tetralogy of Fallot. Now, we still kept cleft lip and palate on our checklist and were told several times by our agency that is was more likely we'd be called about a child with a cleft than a child with a heart condition, they just see more of those. So, I did some diligent research and made sure we remained open to cleft lip/palate, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that, after those words, TETRALOGY OF FALLOT sinking their way into my mind and heart, I was hoping for a baby girl with just that.

Fast forward to Tuesday, June 28th. WE GET THE CALL. I see the (303) area code pop up (our agency is in CO) and I promptly freak out and run around my living room in circles. "Guess what happened at CCAI today?" Cue tears. I was shaking and trying so hard just to hear EVERYTHING she was telling me about my girl. I knew this was her. Before she even said it. But she did say it. "She has something called Hexalogy of Fallot, which is basically Tetralogy of Fallot but with two more things added to it." What my heart did in that moment.... well, I can't even tell you. I already knew, but then I KNEW. (Wanted to add that we have since had her records looked at by two different drs, one who specializes in internationally adopted children, and Crosby's cardiologist. Both have confirmed that she just has standard Tetralogy of Fallot. They have no idea where this hexalogy business comes from. This is common with translations of files... it's easy to change things a bit through translation).

So, what can I tell you about our girl? She's currently 15 months old. Her birthday is 5 days after Crosby's, so they're 1 year and 5 days apart in age. She began WALKING at 13 months which makes her my youngest walker to date! The Dr's say her development and growth are all right on target which is quite impressive for a child who is both in an orphanage and has a pretty major heart condition. Basically, our daughter is amazing. She says mama and baba (which is what they commonly say for Dada). We've seen a video of her where a child tries to take a snack from her hand and she promptly screams, tears it away from them, and then is happy as a clam. So... she's got some spunk. She is very attached to her ayi (nanny) and loves to be held and cuddled which is heartbreaking because they will be separated, but a very good sign in terms of her ability to attach well to others. She had her first surgery for her heart in May and we're still getting more information about that, but we have heard that she recovered well and it was deemed a success, so now we just wait on the actual records of the surgery to be reported. She may need one surgery once home or later in life, she may not. A lot will depend on what they did in China for her. Other than that, she will just be a normal girl. Running, jumping, playing, etc.. she'll have checkups every 6 months just like Crosby. Our two little heart babies.

I'm showing a picture, so I'm not going to give her Chinese name or location. The Chinese give two names and hers mean "of language and culture" and "hibiscus" like the Hawaiian flower. We will keep a portion of her Chinese name as her middle name.

We think there's never been a more perfect girl. To be so in love with someone you've never met but is out there just waiting in a foreign country is the wildest thing. We're coming for you, June! We LOVE you!

Longing for my Daughter

2016-03-29T21:52:00.001-06:00

After our move to Washington and Crosby's birth, I felt myself begin to sink. I tried to float - hell, I tried to SWIM through the tough currents of life but I have felt, for two years, off and on, like I'm being PULLED beneath the surface, barely able to keep my head above water enough to breathe. It's an awful feeling. I have tried to search and figure out what it was that kept me in this state. We've struggled financially since the move, with Ritchie taking a large pay cut to move us out here (a small sacrifice we thought for all of the potential opportunity here -jobs in tech were hard to come by in Denver). Then we had Crosby, and got his aortic stenosis diagnoses. A feeling I can't ever explain and I wouldn't wish on anyone. The pain of hearing that something is WRONG with your child. We've been SO fortunate that his condition has remained stable and we haven't had to do anything surgical yet. It's coming, but I feel so much more equipped two years in than I did days after his birth. With Crosby's diagnoses came a big life change of deciding to put off (or just not complete at all) our adoption. We didn't think we could handle two children with medical conditions. We also found ourselves unable to fund it with the income loss and sudden medical bills (we received ALL of our prenatal bills at once from Colorado and it was a SHOCK - throw in a birth and heart condition bills and we were flat broke).

I simply chalked it up to fate and tried to let go of the dream of parenting a girl. But I couldn't. It kept coming back to me. We still couldn't afford it, though. A little over a year later, we became licensed foster parents and we've taken a few short term placements to feel it out. Something about it doesn't feel right for us. I wish I could explain that better, but I'm not sure I can. It's a feeling, a gut intuition, that foster care is not the right path for us. With that realization, I felt the water overflow right over my head. Air GONE. That's the only way I can describe it. Pain, no air, feeling weak and stupid because I HAVE THREE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL BOYS AND SHOULDN'T I BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

My desire to have a daughter is very real. It's not something I have been able to just work past. Ritchie and I brainstormed and budgeted and searched and talked and tried to figure out the best path for me to fulfill this desire and it wasn't until we came right back to the adoption from China of a little girl with a cleft lip and palate that I felt... PEACE. My head came fully out of the water. I felt more present with my children, happier with my husband, my life seemed to make sense again. It's like I hadn't been able to reconcile that loss of something I never even had and finally I realized that I hadn't come to terms with just not having a daughter. What's even bigger is I realized that these feelings, this desire, is worth fighting for. It's worth the costs, the paperwork, the adding more to our family's plate, etc... because in my gut, and more importantly IN MY HEART, I know this is right for our family.

I was meant to have a daughter from China. I've always felt this IN MY BONES. Like, there's a piece of me IN China. It's the most bizarre thing. If someone else said that and I hadn't experienced it first hand, I would be so judgmental. Like, weird voodoo magic hippy crap that isn't real, right? It feels so real, it's almost unbelievable to ME and I'm the one feeling it.

Anyway, we're working on it. We're working on bringing our girl home. It's a bit of a process still because we have to redo some paperwork (a lot of thing expire after a year and we're THREE years in now) and, most importantly, gather some funds. But, we're going to DO this. And I cannot wait.

What I Read: July and August 2015

2015-09-01T16:36:00.000-06:00

Astonish Me

A look inside the life of professional ballerinas. The competition, the lifestyle, and what happens when you don't make it in that world. I found it to be slow paced (but enjoyable!) at first, and then towards the end I was riveted. It took a turn I wasn't expecting and I really enjoyed the complexities of the story.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

This is a check off the classics challenge for me! And I LOVED IT! I'm not going to say what this book was about, but I finally sort of get the world of you Potter lovers and I think I can see myself getting into this series finally!

Inside the O'Briens

One of the best books I've read in a while! A man is diagnosed with Huntington's disease and his four children must decide whether to get the test that tells them whether or not they will get this disease later in life. All while they watch their father deteriorate and their mother try to keep it together through it all. Dark, sad, moving, and ultimately it still felt triumphant. I LOVED this book.

Reading Challenge Part 2

2015-07-14T15:25:00.000-06:00

I want to keep up this momentum! I really loved having a reading goal last year BUT I also felt like I needed to pick quick reads and books that wouldn't really challenge me or take time because I was trying to read SO many books. This year I wanted to take the opposite approach. I've chosen to read classics, books that are always on the "must read before you die" lists. Books that are talked about in literary circles and books that I feel like EVERYONE else has read but me. These books also happen to be books I've been putting off forever. For this reason, I gave myself one book per month. 12 classics to get through for the year. I won't go in any order, I'll just choose what I feel like for that month. Here is the list:

To Kill A Mockingbird
Anne of Green Gables
Little Women
Harry Potter
The Stand
The Poisonwood Bible
Kite Runner
1984
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
The Book Thief
The Diary of Anne Frank
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Many might think this is an easy list or challenge. For them, it might be! My comfort in reading really lies in a story that is gripping and pulls you through and often involves romance. Some of these might be that! I have no idea. But I think most of them will be a challenge for me. I know for at least 6 of them (half!) I've already tried reading them and couldn't finish. So, yes... this will be hard for me.

I'm looking forward to it!

As We Wait...

2015-07-06T16:16:00.000-06:00

We should be licensed for foster care any day now. Once licensed, we should have a child in our home within a few weeks, at the very most a few months. The waiting is sort of hard, sort of not. Fostering is this whole tricky new world that, six months ago, I never thought I'd experience.

In truth? I'm nervous. I'm excited, yes. But, mostly nervous. Here are the things I've been worrying over while I'm in this period of waiting.

1. I'm worried that Crosby will feel jealous of losing attention. Don't we always worry about our kids when a new one is coming around? And, I worry about Crosby more because he's never had a new child come into the family like the other two have. Plus, he's my baby and gets 99% of my attention when he's awake.

2. I worry that I'll be stretched too thin. Not only are we bringing in a 4th child, but we're bringing in a 4th child that doesn't have established trust or a bond with us. We'll have to work extra hard to establish routines and follow through with every little thing because we don't have her implied trust that comes with birth. I guess I imagine a child that cries a whole lot and is confused and anxious and I also have three boys who need love and guidance and time and energy. Will I be able to do it all?! So scary to me.

3. I'm worried that it will be obvious that I didn't give birth to her and people will comment about how I just HAD to have a girl because I have the three boys and that my boys will hear that and feel inadequate or like they weren't enough. Or that she'll hear and think that we only want her because she's a girl. I feel so judged for this decision already and there's not even the visual reminder for everyone yet.

4. Mostly, I worry about loving her too much. I know that sounds crazy. But I fear that I'll love her like my own and she'll go back to her birth family and I'll be destroyed. And, if I'm destroyed, what will happen to my children? Will I still be able to be there for them? This fear plagues me the most. I'm keeping a VERY open mind and trying to keep the perspective that she is simply not ours. She has a mommy and daddy who love her and need some help and we're helping by loving her while they get better. It's SO easy to talk about, very hard to practice I imagine.

There's more, but I'll stop now because I realize that this isn't the most uplifting post. When we do welcome her to our family, I will post pictures of her, but have decided not to show her face in pictures for our family's protection. I am also not allowed to share her name, so we'll be using a nickname or simply calling her by her first initial in public. If you know us well and know her name PLEASE never comment using her name. It's a true safety issue as bio families are typically local and sometimes try to find the children the state has removed from them and take them back. I'll update as much as I'm able, but will keep specifics private.

It should be an exciting month for us! I can't wait to see where this journey takes us.

My Top 10 Challenge Reads

2015-07-02T10:14:00.000-06:00

I read some awesome books in the challenge and have even added a few to my ALL TIME favorite list. Below are my top 10 and a little bit about why I loved them:

(These are not ordered from least to greatest or whichever, but rather in the order that I read them within the challenge)

The Rosie Project

A love story about a man with asperger's trying to find his ideal mate. Instead, he befriends the wild and daring Rosie, who does not at all fit his profile of an ideal mate. This book was a feel good book and I love those. I love a good love story and this one delivers.

Me Before You

I ALWAYS recommend this book to people. And I've never had anyone come back and say they hated it. Just be warned.... you will need tissues and a whole lot of them. This is NOT a feel good story. This is a gut wrenching tear jerker that will leave you wishing you were still reading it, as odd as that sounds. You will LOVE it. It's controversial but still a love story at its core. Just... read it.

Still Alice

Many people watched this movie and liked it. Well, as usual, the book is SO much better. I didn't even like the movie because I didn't think it did the emotions in the book justice. This book portrays Alice, who is diagnosed with early onset alzheimer's disease. Her and her family's emotions are raw and tangible in the story. As you can imagine, it's another tear jerker. I like to FEEL things when I read. I have another Lisa Genova book on hold for me at library and I can't wait to check that out soon!

The Sea of Tranquility

Oh this book. I LOVED this book so very much. I think it's the only teen fiction on my top 10 list, which makes me feel a little bit better. Honestly, I think I've hyped this book up in my mind too much to really talk about it fairly. I fear people will read this book after hearing me talk about it and think, "why does she love this book so much?" But, I did love it. It's another love story, but it just had a weird impact on me. I loved the characters and was rooting for them and on the edge of my seat the whole time.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Okay, this one is NOT a love story or a feel good story in any way, shape or form. But, this book spoke to me in so many ways. It's the story of a woman writing letters to her husband trying to make sense of her life and the events leading up to her son killing several students and a teacher at his high school. With all of the school violence in today's world, this book is a bit like a punch to the gut and hits very close to home. I wanted to begin homeschooling immediately after reading this, but that's not a new idea of mine (I won't, because I recognize that fear is a terrible reason to homeschool). Anyway, this book is devastating but still important and VERY well done.

Everything I Never Told You

This was the first book I had ever really listened to and enjoyed. It's a slow story, but so REAL and I felt like it quietly snuck up on me. It's the story of a family whose daughter goes missing and they both go back in time and reevaluate their parenting and life prior to her disappearance and try to put themselves back together afterwards. It's just a beautiful story of what you make of your life and how to pick up the pieces after tragedy strikes. This book made my all time favorite list.

This is Where I Leave You

Lest you think I only read tear jerkers or love stories, this book is neither. It was hilarious though and a bit misogynistic, which for some reason, didn't bother me one bit. A man is called to sit shiva with his family that he rarely sees in his childhood home which he never visits immediately after he discovers his wife is having an affair with his boss. And, it does get worse. Or better if you enjoy reading about a train wreck as much as I do. I just love a sarcastic book that says things I think but don't think I'm allowed to actually say. This book was that. Plus, the scene where he actually FINDS his wife sleeping with his boss is truly worth reading the whole book. I laughed so hard, I cried. Damn! I guess this book did make me cry.

Tattoos on the Heart

A non fiction on my list! I also listened to this one and would highly recommend listening to it over reading it. The author is also the narrator and, in this case, I think that makes all of the difference. It's the author, Gregory Boyle's, experience working with gang members in LA. He's the pioneer of "Homeboy Industries" which is a company that hires ex gang members and helps keep them off of the streets and employed. His heart and love for this community is admirable and I left this book wanting to be a better person. It made me both laugh and cry. A winner.

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

This is a graphic novel, which basically means it's a comic book. But, it's a comic book about the author's experience with her parents aging, being put into a home, and eventually passing away. You wouldn't think it would be so funny, but it really is. It's also REAL. Another example of saying the things you don't think you should say, but everyone is thinking it. It also made me have a conversation about aging and health care and our household belongings and my own parents' aging and so many other important topics that just aren't that fun to talk about. Roz Chast does talk about all of these issues in a relatable and even comical way. Very well done and easily one of my top 5 reads of this year.

The Light Between Oceans

Grab the tissues for this one, too! Never mind, tissues won't help. Maybe just be prepared to change your clothes and might as well hop in the shower because you're going to need to just let the tears flow down the drain while you wash your sorrow away. And then you'll want to make sure to talk about this book with someone who's read it. Because it's SO freaking good. You'll want to talk to random strangers about how good this book was. You won't, for fear that you'll start uncontrollably sobbing in front of a STRANGER, but you'll want to. The story of a couple who is unable to have children when a baby washes up on the shore of their tiny island. The story plays out the consequences of their decision of what to do about this little girl and also tell the story of a marriage at odds and the pain and longing for children in the life of a couple who cannot bear them. If you struggle with infertility or reading about pregnancy loss (both early in pregnancy AND later) is a trigger for you, you might want to avoid this story. Overall, though, it's haunting and beautiful and tragic all at once. One of my top books of all time.

That's it!! Happy reading :) I'll be back soon to talk about my goals for the next 52 weeks. I also promise to blog about other stuff at some point. I have big thoughts about foster care/adoption and my kids deserve an update as well - they're growing and changing SO much! Thanks for reading and following my challenge. I felt cheered on the whole year!

Challenge Completed!

2015-07-01T10:02:00.001-06:00

I finished my challenge!! I'm SO freaking excited. Especially because I felt like it was quite the undertaking and I'm not known for finishing challenges. But, I really did it. I read a book a week for an entire year. And, in that year, we've bought a house, moved, painted every room in that house, and completed all of the requirements for a foster care license. Yes, I'm patting my own back. I wish I had a cookie I could give myself.

My goal was really just to READ again. I used to read, a little bit. Maybe a book a month or so... sometimes less, never more. But I wanted to fall in love with reading and really become a READER. I've realized what type of book really grabs me, which types challenge me and when to give up and just put a book down never to pick it up again. But mostly, I just love reading now. I love talking about books and planning my next library trips and getting lost in a great story. I definitely watch less TV now (although TV watching is still a very large part of my life, not going to lie...) and I find I feel more relaxed because I take the time to SIT or be in the bathtub and just be present with a book and not have my phone nearby or anyone else around to talk to. It's peaceful.

I'm still thinking about my goals for this upcoming year. I think rather than a number, I'll make a specific list that I make sure I complete because my one complaint with this challenge was that I often didn't push myself to read something out of my comfort zone because the goal was to just READ and completing one book a week didn't lend to many slower paced books. I still haven't read the Harry Potter series (I can't get through book one - what is my problem? What am I missing? I'm stuck on page 100 or so...) and I've never read "Anne of Green Gables" or "Little Women" and I'd like to reread "To Kill A Mockingbird" (I think maybe I read it in high school?). Anyway, I'll have to come up with something to keep the momentum going!

Here is the list of all 52 books I read during this challenge in order:

Where’d You Go Bernadette?

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

The Rosie Project

We Were Liars

Me Before You

Wonder

Eleanor & Park

Insurgent

Room

Attachments

Still Alice

Delancey

The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion

The Farm

The Husband’s Secret

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime

Sea of Tranquility

Station Eleven

Bossypants

The Fever

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Christmas Jars

Christmas Jars: A Reunion

The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells

Everything I Never Told You

Outlander

The Children Act

The Book of Unknown Americans

Not That Kind of Girl

Big Little Lies

I’ll Give You the Sun

All the Light We Cannot See

Defending Jacob

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

This is Where I Leave You

Tattoos on the Heart

Reconstructing Amelia

Leaving Time

The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry

A Little Life

Brain on Fire

A Child Called It

Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

The Lost Boy

The Light Between Oceans

The Silent Wife

Dark Places

The Selection

The Elite

The One

Our Souls at Night

Food

Tomorrow I'll come back and tell you my top 10 favorite books from the challenge!

What I Read: June

2015-06-30T22:27:00.001-06:00

The Selection

The Elite

The One

Holy cow, I was talking to my friend Sharlie who is an avid reader and trying to get ideas for books I could read QUICKLY because I had 4 weeks to read 5 books to finish my challenge. She mentioned the Selection series and so I began.... 5 days and 3 books later I came up for air. I swear, I didn't look up from these books for a solid 5 days. Ridiculous. It's the Bachelor meets The Hunger Games. Fabulous. Teen fiction, so don't expect something extraordinarily well written and you're golden. Also, don't expect to be productive for one full week.

Our Souls at Night

I listened to this book while cleaning for a preschool party I threw. It's SUPER short. 3.5 hours, I think? Perfect when you're reading in a rush. In all seriousness, this book was lovely. It's a bit slow paced but well written and full of life. An elderly woman asks her neighbor to come and sleep with her at night. Not sex, but talking and hand holding and companionship. They're both widowed and living in a small town and the story is both the result of this proposition as well as the intertwining of their pasts. I thought it was really well done.

Food

As of about 10 minutes ago, I finished this book and therefore completed my year long challenge of reading 52 books in 52 weeks. This was book number 52. We're seeing Jim Gaffigan live in a few weeks and I've been wanting to read this book. It was great. I laughed out loud a lot and my kids always would find me laughing and join in because I was reading "the book about the man who married a hot dog". Definitely worth a read!

AND I'M DONE!! I have so much more to say about this challenge, including my top 10 books that I read in the past year as well as what I gained from reading so much.

What I Read: May

2015-06-04T10:39:00.001-06:00

Brain on Fire

This is a memoir written by a girl who began having extreme symptoms that led people to believe she was losing her mind. She writes about her experience going through this and how she found her way out of it by reviewing her father's journals, notes from the doctors, discussions with others and her own chicken scratch writing during this time. It was a quick read and sort of interesting... I didn't appreciate the writing style and ultimately I got tired of the same things being repeated (not that that's the writer's fault - it was just that her symptoms kept repeating themselves). Anyway, not my favorite.

A Child Called It

This was a re-read for me (I read it probably 10 years ago) and an important one as we enter the foster care world. Heartbreaking and maddening and overwhelming. This book has always stuck with me, and will continue to do so. A must read for everyone.

The Lost Boy

The sequel to "A Child Called It" about Dave Pelzer's experience in foster care. This gave me some wonderful insight into a child's perspective within the system. There are some really amazing homes and people out there doing some wonderful work with kids like Dave. It's inspiring.

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

This was the book club selection for May and I have to say I didn't know it was a comic book. Apparently that's what a graphic novel is? I had no idea. You learn something new every day, I tell you! Anyway, I LOVED this book. I would say it's one of my favorites from this year so far for sure. It's Roz Chast's experience with her parents growing old and ultimately passing, but told in such a relatable and funny way. In a way that makes it OK to talk about this very hard topic. I loved it and would recommend it to anyone!

The Light Between Oceans

I picked up this book months ago and couldn't get past page 18 or so... but my BFF kept telling me that I HAD to fight through the first 50 pages so I did. And HOLY MOLY I loved this book. It's one of my all time favorites now. The story of a woman and her husband who have suffered many miscarriages and are unable to have a baby and what they do when a baby washes up on their tiny island with nobody to claim her. Such a huge moral debate with this story and I can't wait to discuss it with my book club in a few months!

The Silent Wife

A woman who is in a long term relationship (20 plus years - so common law marriage) who's husband is a chronic cheater and ultimately leaves the marriage and how she copes and gets revenge. I sort of hated this book. It just fell short for me, but I know that many people like it so I think it might just be me!

Dark Places

I sort of hated this book. It was just too dark. I don't know what I was expecting with Gillian Flynn being the author and DARK being in the title. I knew it wouldn't be bunnies and unicorns. But did it have to be so twisted, Gillian?? Anyway, if you like super dark and twisted, then go right ahead with this one!

I'm down to 3 weeks left in the challenge and 5 books left!! UGH! Be prepared for many fluff books in June so I can get through this!

What I Read: April

2015-05-13T10:31:00.003-06:00

The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry

Ritchie and I listened to this on the way to CA in the car. Such a cute story! Not one of my favorite books of all time, but definitely a cute read (or listen! We loved the narrator).

A Little Life

The rest of the month of April was spent on this beast. This 700 some odd page book didn't feel as long as it was. It's not a quick read, but the story definitely pulls you through. This book is FULL of possible triggers. If sexual abuse, trauma, cutting, suicide or just general fucked up ness bothers you, then DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. It's heavy on ALL of these topics. That's all I'm going to say because too much more would give it all away. It's moving and thought provoking and is a true testament to love and strength under the most impossible of circumstances.

Here We Go Again...

2015-04-13T12:16:00.001-06:00

Do you want to hear something really embarrassing about me? A psychic once said I would marry a good man, the one I was with (which was Ritchie) and that we would soon buy our first home (which we did) and that we would have 3 children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. Because the first two things happened pretty soon after his predictions, I naturally believed the third one to be true as well. When we found out Ben was a boy, I knew right then that was all part of the "plan". We had two boys and would adopt a girl and be done! Wow! Psychics really can predict the future!

Fast forward 2 years. We're in the adoption process and then BAM. Pregnant. A third biological child. Psychics make for terrible birth control. Okay, so we'll have 4 kids! No big deal! On with the plan with one minor hiccup.

Fast forward 7 months. We decide to move to Washington. We knew this would alter our adoption plans to some degree. We'd have to redo our home study (which we'd have to do when Crosby was born anyway) and Ritchie took a significant pay cut when we moved, so saving money to continue the adoption would be slower.

Fast forward 2 months. Crosby is born and we find out he has a heart condition. We don't know what the next year looks like for him and we're scared and overwhelmed and all we know is we definitely cannot handle two small children with medical needs. We change our adoption medical profile to be a girl who also has a minor heart condition, which keeps us on track for adoption but extends our time to be matched by 12-18 months.

Fast forward one year. Crosby is one. He has had no changes in his condition and hasn't required surgery. Once he reached the one year mark, his chances for needing surgery immediately went down. We're also understanding and more comfortable with what it looks and feels like to have a child with a medical need. Once you get past the shock, it feels more manageable to us. I start really having the desire to complete our adoption.

Conversations begin to open up again. Ritchie and I both have the heart for adoption, we always have. We'd both LOVE to welcome another child (a girl, because, frankly, there's enough boys around here) into our family. The problem now is that we'd need to come up with over $20,000 to complete our adoption. We could do that, but it would take a few years and put a lot of other financial goals on hold.

We've discussed other avenues of adoption before and nothing ever felt quite right to us until now. Very recently we opened the discussion again of fostering to adopt. I've reached out to other families doing this in our community and have heard some amazing stories and felt really inspired. Ritchie immediately opened up to this idea and, last week, we turned in our application to be licensed for fostering and adopting locally.

There are many, many, amazing things about fostering. Opening your home to children in need of love and support during a frightening time is rewarding and teaches our own children about community and compassion. That said, this journey will not be without struggles. I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses here. I'm mentally preparing myself for the largest devastation my heart has ever endured. My biggest fear is falling in love with a child and then having to give her back to her birth mom/dad/grandparent. This will likely happen. A good foster parent IS attached to their foster child and has a child attach to them as well. This is part of the process. It may happen a few times before we're placed with a child whose parents will have their rights terminated so that we can adopt.

This will not be easy. So many logistics. Parent visits, phone calls, readjusting to a new child, then saying goodbye, then welcoming another one. We're open to newborns, so we're facing sleepless nights again. Tons and tons of unknowns. We will not know that the little girl we have will be ours forever until the courts finalize everything. Up until that last minute, it could always change.

There's all of that, yes. HOWEVER, I hold out hope that one day we WILL adopt a girl who needs a family and our family will be complete and all of that heartache and headache and pain and hoop jumping will be 100% worth it. I know that ultimately we will not regret one moment of this decision.

And so... here we go again. This life, 3 boys and foster care and adopting locally and maybe even an open adoption. This was all NOTHING I had ever dreamed of. And certainly the psychic never saw this coming! But, here we are. I'll update more as I know more, but for now we're just working on getting licensed. We should be done by September and welcoming our first placement of a little girl up to three years of age by the end of this year.

For now, we hang on tight and enjoy the ride. And we stop trusting psychics.

Crosby is ONE

2015-04-09T19:36:00.001-06:00

Our cute baby turned ONE a few weeks ago. What can I say about this unexpected joy that we have in our life?

Okay, first let me tell you about the day! We took the boys to a kangaroo farm and got to see a ton of awesome animals and have a lot of interactions with them. It was a really cool experience.

The big boys got most of the action that day since Crosby was in the carrier, but he did LOVE looking at the animals and got to touch a kangaroo and a mule.

After lunch and nap we took the kids to Build-A-Bear, which is a tradition for us on each first birthday. The kids all still have their animals from when they turned one. Crosby chose the "Thin Mint Bear" which was pretty ridiculous, but it was the only one he got excited about.

Then we had dinner and cake and called it a day! It was SO much fun celebrating as a family of 5.

Crosby is the funniest little guy. He's energetic and stubborn and determined. He scoots along with one hand a leg all day long, opening cabinets, pulling out toys and snacks and racing to get to splash in the dog water. He LOVES to be around his brothers and isn't intimidated by them in any way. He holds his own. He's pulling himself up more and more, but I do think he'll be our latest walker and predict he'll start around 16 months. He's our strongest communicator for this age. He says, "dada, mama, ni-ni (night night), ball, uh-oh, and whoa" he signs for "more" and "all done" but mostly just grunts and stares and points until we cave and give him more or clean him up :) Sadly, he is NOT a smuggler, but he does give the world's best kisses. He loves animals, including his stuffed animals. He showers them with more affection than any human. He's about 21 pounds now and is the tiniest of our children for his age. His heart has remained unchanged since birth which is great for us! We get to just keep waiting to do anything more about it, and for now, I'll take that!

I never pictured my life with three boys, and Crosby was nowhere in our plans, but I'm SO freaking happy that life doesn't usually go according to my plans. Crosby is a gift to our family and we all love him SO SO SO much!

Happiest of birthdays to you, my sweet boy.

What I Read: March

2015-04-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

Tattoos on the Heart

I listened to this through Audible and the author was the narrator. It was an AMAZING listen. I highly recommend listening to it. The author is a minister and it's very religious, but even if that's not your thing, don't let it put you off. His work with gang members in Los Angeles is important and makes anyone want to move forward in life with a more compassionate heart.

Reconstructing Amelia

This was a YA book about a girl who dies and her mother seeks out why/how because she doesn't believe the results of the initial investigation on her daughter's death. I liked how the story wove itself together and it was a quick, easy mystery read if you're ever in the mood for that sort of thing!

Leaving Time

This was my book club book for the month. I've read a lot of Jodi Picoult and have always really loved the way she tells stories and this book was no exception! Such a great read and with a surprising element of elephant grief that I didn't expect to like, but really did.

Yikes, I think I'm officially behind with my reading again! March was redo the kitchen month so reading got pushed a bit. Time to pick up speed!

Kitchen Reveal Part 1

2015-03-25T16:03:00.000-06:00

I say part one because there's still a bit more to do, but that won't be done for awhile so until then... here's the NEW(ish) kitchen!

First let's look at what we were dealing with just 3 short weeks ago...

Here is what the kitchen looks like today:

First I tackled painting everything white. Then we did the ardex countertops on the main sink/prep area. Next we tackled the buffet area. Lastly, we hired someone to do the subway tile and Ritchie put on the hardware. The whole process took about 3.5 weeks and we still have a few things left to do. We need to replace the island countertops with butcher block, get different dining chairs and hang a bamboo shade for the window.

The transformation is HUGE in this space. I can't even believe that a month ago the kitchen was an ugly oak kitchen with blue laminate counters. I'm thrilled with the change and the kitchen is definitely my favorite room in the house now!

Five and a Half

2015-03-25T15:39:00.001-06:00

Maxton is 5 and a half years old. Everyone out there with a newborn? Don't blink - just don't. I can't believe how fast time is flying. He starts Kindergarten in just 5 months. AHHH!! School age!

Anyway, what can I say about Max at 5 and a half?

He's totally come into his own. He knows what he likes and doesn't and STRICTLY sticks to the things he likes. His likes include video games, tv shows, baseball, bubbles, oatmeal, board games, pancakes, waffles, ice cream, raw veggies, legos, bike riding (finally!), his dad, Bennett, his best friend Quinn, short sleeve t-shirts, gymnastics, reading, weapons, dress up, and helping in the kitchen if it involves knives or fire.

He has recently decided that he dislikes hugs and kisses, especially from MOM. So sad. He's just too cool for them. He's also gained a competitive edge the past six months and must be the winner of all things. Games, running, etc. We're trying to humble him a bit while continuing this burst of confidence because it's nice to see him feeling so proud of himself, but also not so great when he loses and it's someone else's fault.

He continues to be extremely sweet, but has also started rough housing his brothers more than usual. There's a LOT of boy energy in him and that's new. When he was little he was always really calm and that's not the case anymore. The great news is he's quick to apologize and typically does not repeat bad behavior once it's discussed with him.

He's started READING in the past few months and mommy is THRILLED! Such a fun accomplishment! He does such a great job with it also. He's also starting to spell a bit (no more spelling words for us) and is counting to 100 easily (and loudly!) He writes his name and his family member's names and can write numbers 1-20. I'd say he's ready for K and while I'm nostalgic about the quickness of time, I'm also really excited about what's ahead.

I just asked him what he wants to do for work when he grows up and he said, "Nothing. I can't tell you."

That made me laugh. He's really funny. He doesn't love jokes or "typical" humor, but he's got this funny way of making our whole family laugh. I wish I could describe it better... he's just goofy and quirky.

He LOVES sharing a room with Bennett and misses him greatly if Ben naps without him or something. He's a people person and prefers to be surrounded by others. Good thing theres a lot of Lincolns!

He started t-ball this spring and is working VERY hard on mastering cartwheels at home. He'll join gymnastics again this summer and keep with t-ball. I'd like to get him playing an instrument as well because he used to adore music and we've lost that a bit in the past year.

He's very inquisitive. Always asking a question and wanting to know more about how the world around him works. If we don't know the answer he gets irritated, often saying, "Mom, you have to TELL me!" Haha! He likes information to be accurate as well and he will correct you if you're wrong.

He's anti-girl right now, so I'm not his favorite person. When I get an "I love you" or some Max sweetness I feel VERY special.

I like that he strives to be better at things and is gaining confidence. When I do something that makes Max smile, it makes me feel like a million bucks. There's a strong desire in me to make Max happy. He's the child I worry the most about and there's positives and negatives to that, but mostly I think it's because he's my first and everything with him is new territory for me.

He's all boy now. Big boy, too. I'm so insanely proud of the big boy he's becoming. Sometimes I get a glimpse of "man" and it both freaks me out and excites me. I hope he'll still want to hang with his mom when he's grown and I hope I get to see a lot of Max's smiles for the rest of my life.

What I Read: February

2015-03-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'll Give You the Sun

This is a YA book about twins who experience a tragedy and learn to come into their own through art, loss and finding their way back to each other. It's quirky and I struggled with the writing style in the beginning, but quickly began to adore it. The story is one that reminded me how painful and messy and beautiful life really is. By the time I was done, I didn't want it to end.

All the Light We Cannot See

Ok... so, I'll start by saying that this book has over 7,000 reviews on Amazon with 4.5 stars and I've heard RAVE reviews from everyone I've ever heard has read it (nobody I know personally, but book bloggers, podcasters etc..). I expected to LOVE this book. I was intimidated by it because it's over 500 pages (my typical book length is around 400) and the synopsis sounded boring. Plus, it's a WWII novel. I'm not a big history buff and typically shy away from period or war pieces. BUT, this was my book club book so now I finally had a great reason to just get over myself and read the damn thing.

I didn't HATE it. But, I certainly did not love it. I don't know that I can even say I liked it. It moved along okay... and was sort of interesting sometimes? That's it, guys. That's the best I can give you. Why this book gets rave reviews is beyond me. I'm glad I'm done reading it.

Defending Jacob

How much can I say about a book without giving too much away? This was the PERFECT book for me to read after the aforementioned snooze-fest above. I needed something compulsive and in present times. If you loved the Serial podcast, I think you'd LOVE this book. Let's just say my jaw dropped more than once and I'll leave it at that! It's only a $3 kindle purchase right now, so if you read that way then go for it! It's worth $3 for sure!

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

I listened to this one and I have to say... it felt a little like torture. I made myself get through it because I'm stubborn like that, but MAN - it was rough. It's a murder mystery and I just didn't care about any of the characters at all. I know quite a few people who have loved this book, but I just couldn't get on board.

This is Where I Leave You

I've heard mixed reviews on this book, but I liked it a lot! I haven't actually laughed out loud from a book in a long time and I was laughing so much that Ritchie asked me what was so funny on several occasions. If you're sensitive to women being objectified and just general "female bashing" I guess (spoiler alert - his wife cheats on him which leads him to sort of generally feel negatively about women.) then you might not like this. If you're able to understand the context and read deeper into the reasoning behind the language, then you might find it hilarious, as I did.

Bennett at 3 and a Half Years

2015-02-24T15:19:00.001-07:00

Bennett turned 3.5 last month and I've been reflecting more and more on where each boy is at in their development and I so miss recording it. Poor Crosby has literally had nothing documented of his first year. In any case, I want to keep up at least every 6 months with where they're at. So, here's what I know about Bennett right now and some of my favorite pictures of him from the past 6 months.

Bennett is SUCH a three year old. Happy one minute, melting down the next. He has a whine that sounds to me like nails on a chalkboard. I'm pretty bad at just giving him WHATEVER it takes to stop that sound immediately. Bad mom, I know. When he's happy though? He will light up your life.

He's sweet and snuggly and easy going. He loves to play with trains, legos, "shooters" (ugh), balls, tinker toys, the matching game, Sequence, Jenga, Go Fish, puzzles and books. He loves being read to and really enjoys getting new books from the library. His favorite thing is probably dressing up in costumes. He mostly prefers to be Elsa or anything that involves a dress. I think he's the most beautiful princess.

I love that he's fully his own person. He's not easily influenced by what others want to do or play with. He just wants what he wants and he's not afraid to express that. He LOVES being around others and playing with friends, but if they're not doing what he wants, that's fine, too - he'll do it anyway! He's learning to share with his baby brother, a task proving much harder than it seems :)

He's tracing larger letters (ones that take up a whole page) and can recognize some numbers but not many letters yet. He loves to do "school work" as long as I don't help him or ask him any questions. So.... basically I'm choosing not to worry terribly about what he knows or doesn't know. I figure he'll get there eventually. He can count to 13 without help and his 1:1 correspondence with counting is up to about 5. He's dressing himself with ease now with the exception of his socks and shoes.

It would be a marvelous thing to report full potty trained status but alas, I cannot. He can pee in the potty without assistance, but he's still pooping in his pants. Again, I'm trying to remember that he will get there. Bennett cannot be pushed into something he doesn't want to do. He's stubborn and self-assured. Bribing isn't working.

Bennett likes to change his clothes about 6 times a day and prefers pajamas to all other clothing choices. But, he also likes to accessorize sometimes. Hats, scarves, gloves. He enjoys them all.

He has enjoyed gymnastics and is looking forward to soccer in the spring. He LOVES preschool and always looks forward to going.

He's adventurous. He'll try pretty much anything once. He may never do it again after that, but he's always game to try. He does try to keep up with Max in regards to sports and physical activity and in most cases, he can easily keep up. He's a very physical child and needs to exert his energy daily. Sometimes this means at bedtime he's going crazy and jumping and climbing because he didn't get it out earlier. Whoops!

The child will eat ANYTHING. He's not picky, although lately he's shown much more preference for certain foods (toast, cereal with milk, fruits, chicken and rice, etc..) as opposed to just eating whatever I give him. He's a pretty adventurous eater and will try anything once. He likes spicy food and hummus and things that Max won't touch.

A terrible photo for its quality, BUT this is my boy on Christmas morning. Pure joy.

I really GET Ben. He's completely my child. Looks like me, acts like me. It's easy for me to empathize with ALL of those big emotions because I have them, too. This makes the relationship between Ben and me pretty easy. I don't raise my voice or lose my temper as often with him. He brings out the patient side of me (well, most of the time - I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny).

He'll say his best friend is Kira and he's been hugging and kissing Crosby A LOT lately. He tells me he loves me and says he needs a hug often. He's starting to not want kisses anymore (thanks a lot, Max!) but I sneak them in and he doesn't seem to mind. He loves to help, sit on my lap and be by my side.

I'll leave you with my favorite photo from the past 6 months. A Daddy and his boys. Bennett kissing him. Bennett, giving love. That's how I always think of him, so this is the perfect last image.

Ben is treasured in our family and I often think he'll be the link for the bond between his brothers. Because, I believe, anyone can get along with Ben. He's just so likable. And loving. He provides something in our family that is irreplaceable and I hope he feels loved and valued every single day.

House Tour: Kitchen

2015-02-23T16:30:00.001-07:00

Our kitchen was my least and most favorite thing about this house when we bought it. I hated it for everything it was.... maple cabinets, gross smells coming from the cabinets, hideous blue laminate countertops (Are they laminate? I don't even know - they're just ugly). BUT, I LOVED it for its potential. The layout is great and there's lots of storage. Plus, I could totally picture it all white with new countertops and some subway tile etc.. We just had to move in, clean it up and redo the whole kitchen! Easy, right?

Ha!

Here's where we're at now, about 6 months after moving in:

Here's the view from the playroom.

Pros: Lots of light, easy access to the kids, and open floor plan!

Cons: Everything else.

We have this eat-in dining area with a lot of extra storage. Don't mind those seedlings we're working on for our garden. They're not usually up there. This extra counter space and cabinetry we wouldn't be able to function without. It's awesome!

Our pots and pans also hang over there. I've always loved displaying these and our cookbooks up top there.

This is the far end of the kitchen towards the formal dining room.

This is standing back by the fridge.

Lots of lovely blue counter space! The space is great! The counters... not so much.

Here is standing back the other way. In the past 6 months we've done a few things. The dishwasher and cooktop are new, the island has been painted this green color and given some amazing hardware. That's it though! SO much more to do!

Some of my favorite things:

This little area is just really decorated and colorful and I love it.

That's it for the kitchen! I'm HOPING to start the white paint this weekend so fingers crossed I'll have a good "after" shot soon-ish.

Sorry for the crappy iPhone pics. Life, you know?

Our Master Bedroom

2015-01-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like our room is done enough (as done as it will be for awhile now) to show you all!

When we bought our house this room was a lovely pale pink color. Which matched the rosy pink carpet quite well. The bathroom is also pink, with a pink countertop to boot! So, while I don't mind some pink accents, this room was clearly taking pink to a whole new level. I painted in a creamy white shade and did a gray/blue (shocking right? I mean, I never use this color!) accent wall behind the bed.

I know the photos are too big. Sorry! We still need to do some (a lot) of things to this space. Aside from new carpet (or hardwood? We can't decide) we also need new baseboards, doors and casing. I'll show off the bathroom another time. Perhaps while we're redoing it as a before/after. I'd also like to do a few smaller things. I'd love a gold frame around my book wreath and I'd love some frames surrounding the window for our black and white family photos. The dresser needs some decorating love as well.

My favorites about this space are the bedding and the large window and our walk in closet. The space feels the perfect combo of warm and light to me. But the carpet is disgusting and needs to go. And the brown doors are not my fav either. Baby steps!

More of the house to come soon I hope!

What I Read: January

2015-01-28T14:44:00.001-07:00

I would like to start this post by saying that this month felt like I was inundated with goodness. Just pure amazingness ALL THE TIME. Some fantastic books this month, plus I listened to the Serial podcast (devoured it in 2 days - I couldn't stop listening) AND we watched season one of Transparent on Amazon. I am loving that show! So, now that you all know I have no life other than reading, listening to and watching things, let's get started with the books of the month, shall we?

The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells

This was my book club's selection for the month. I thought it was a cute story until the very end when it completely lost me. I actually feel like I should re-read the ending because wha-the-wha? I have no idea what just happened there and it was sort of abruptly trying to cram all of these little golden nuggets in at the end... it didn't need that. The nuggets were implied. I felt like it had some potential to wrap up beautifully and it didn't.

Everything I Never Told You

One of my favorite books of all time now. This is a story of a young girl who dies and her family's journey up to that point and beyond. So beautifully written and haunting and thought provoking. I would highly recommend reading this book. Or, listening to it! I think I got SO much more out of listening to it. I have a tendency to skim and when someone else is reading, you cannot skim so you have the benefit of hearing EVERY single word. It was a perfect experience for me.

Not That Kind of Girl

Oh, Lena Dunham. This was exactly what I thought it would be. It's really just one woman's experience with coming into her womanhood in this world we live in. I realized that she's not my favorite person to read about (or watch on TV - I really tried to like "Girls" but just don't) so it was a little long and tedious reading this. By the end I was fighting through it just to check it off my list. Darn! I wanted to like it, but I didn't.

Outlander

Sometime after Christmas I realized that I hadn't read much over the break and I had received a lot of non-fiction for Christmas. I started the Lena Dunham book but put it down because I wanted a good story and everything I had received wasn't cutting it. So, I put on my big girl panties and started "Outlander". This is a long book, like 700 pages long. But I had heard rave reviews and I figured there's no time like the present. It did take me about 3 weeks to finish (I read in on my phone while I nursed Crosby and finished 2 other books during that time as well) but I really loved it. I was pretty riveted the whole time. It's a fabulous story AND it fits into a category of a reading challenge I took on for the year!

That might be hard to read... but "Outlander" completes the category of "A book in a genre I don't typically read". Bonus - I liked it!

The Children Act

Ritchie read this and wanted me to read it so we could talk about it. He loved it. I LOVED the first half and the second half I was like..... "What the hell? Wait, what?" A lot. And the ending sort of brought it all back around, but I still felt like it was really botched together weirdly. And I'm not sure if it's Ian McEwan's writing style because this is my first time reading him, but this book went ON and ON about things that I didn't see the relevance in. Ritchie didn't feel that way at all though and he was able to read into every part and tie it together poetically. He's smarter than me, though. Duh.

The Book of Unknown Americans

Another audiobook! I also loved the listening experience of this book. At first it was a little hard to follow because it has many different narrators but soon you get the rhythm and it all makes sense. This book has so many important themes and sub-morals but at its core, it's a story about love and community. Amongst that there are immigrants in Delaware in current times and their experience with everything from not knowing the language to just being outright ignored or bullied. It made me think about my own perceptions and judgements. I recommend this book with a warning that it's not a quick story line. It's a lot of rich character development and more than it's a story, it's just following 7 months in time. It does climax and get intense towards the very very end, so hang in there. The message is worth the slow pace.

Big Little Lies

This was the 3rd book I've read by Liane Moriarty and boy do I love her more and more! Great characters and plot and I'm usually riveted (The Husband's Secret wasn't as riveting for me, but I still really enjoyed it!) I was up past midnight last night just to finish this book and the ending was SO fantastic! I won't say much about it because it's a murder mystery (a comical one) but it's really great!

Phew! I'm going to post this a few days before Feb even starts because after 7 books I'm just done reading for a few days. I need a little time to clear my head before starting my Feb book club book. But this month caught me up on my goal! I'm 30 weeks in and 30 books down. Yay!

What I Read: December

2015-01-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

The Fever

A young girl falls over in convulsions and it begins a string of weird similar instances with other girls in the high school. I read it in a day. Easy, quick read. The plot was just ok for me and the ending was lacking. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I wouldn't even say I liked it all that much.

Christmas Jars

A FAVORITE Christmas story of mine. A must read! This was my 3rd or 4th time reading it and I loved it just as much as the first time.

Christmas Jars Reunion

Really sweet story! Much like the first, a little sappier, but still enjoyable and worth a read.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Absolutely riveting. It took me a while to get into the writing style and Shriver's overly (in my opinion) descriptive writing style but once I got into it I couldn't put it down. So disturbing and so sadly relevant. I never want to send my children to school now. I think this book is completely worth the read.

I'm officially 1/2 way through with 26.5 weeks down in my 52 weeks and I've read 23 books. So, I'm a little behind but STILL! 23 books since June 30. The goal for me was to simply rekindle my love of reading and I've certainly done that. My days don't feel complete without a book to read now and I love that.

A Book Gift Guide

2014-12-18T15:38:00.002-07:00

I'm giving quite a few books this year (duh).

Here are my favorite (and, I think, gift worthy) books that I read in 2014.

These aren't books that came out in 2014, so this may or may not feel relevant in your world. But, it's relevant here in my little world and isn't that what blogging is all about?

Behold, my favorite books that I read this year:

Bread & Wine

This book is like a blanket. Or a hug. Or warm coffee on a crisp morning. Or just something you really would enjoy. This book is that.

Me Before You

Still probably one of my favorite stories ever.

Sea of Tranquility

A close race with "Me Before You" for first place in the love genre for me. I still get chills when I think of the ending. That's probably pretty dramatic, but who are we kidding? I've always had a flair for the dramatics.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Once I got into this one (and it took me a little bit...) I could NOT. STOP. READING. IT. I still think about it. I also never want to send my kids to school. An important book but also a gripping page turner. Not to mention the writing is incredible. Winner. Although, be careful whom you gift this to. It's about a sensitive subject and one that many people harbor strong feelings towards. Tread lightly.

And here is one more that I haven't read, but is on my short list. It's on a ton of lists this year as one of THE books to read and gets some pretty rave reviews. I can't personally recommend it, of course - but it's worth mentioning.

All the Light We Cannot See

Happy Reading! I'd love to know which books you're gifting this year (or which books you've added to your wish list!) and what your favorite reads of 2014 were! Geek out with me!

Crosby at 8 Months

2014-11-30T22:08:00.001-07:00

Poor, sweet third child. I just realized yesterday that I didn't even save the outfit that I brought him home from the hospital in. Nor can I remember which outfit it was. Whoops. I suppose therapy makes you a better person.

I'm going to briefly cover months 4, 5, 6 and 7 because we are now past the 8th month mark and I can barely remember anything.

Month 4:

Crosby started tripod sitting! He also was sleep trained this month and began going from nursing approximately 12 times a night to just once. I'm now a much happier mother. Crosby also officially rolls at this point and will not stay on his back for anything, including sleep. He's lucky he's my third child because I'm not nearly as nervous about this as I would have been with Maxton.

Look at that cute baby. That's what we call him. Cute baby. Like... why won't cute baby stop crying? And, what shall we give cute baby for dinner tonight?

Month 5:

I believe this is when we embarked on solids. Also, full time sitting! Tummy time and being put down ever is not enjoyable for Crosby at this age. Also, this was the time that we discovered that he wasn't really gaining weight. He also didn't love to eat solids, so that wasn't especially helpful. Lots of stress and worry about his heart since weight loss or no weight gain is a sign of trouble. He had no other signs of concerns at that point, but still. WORRY. You don't generally worry about things as much with each child (or I don't anyway) but when your baby has something that you haven't experienced with all of your other children, you worry like he's your first. Anyway, lots of weight checks and Dr visits and waiting and trying to feed him solids that he gags and vomits from. But we're still sleeping and sitting and having to hold him all the live long day.

Rosy cheeked and darling.

Sitting!

Month 6:

Crosby remembered that eating all night long was glorious and fattening him up so he went back to waking frequently. I was feeling so stressed about his weight gain that I couldn't let him cry so I fed him every time he woke. That quickly spiraled into about every 1.5-2 hours. My timing is fuzzy on this though... I think this went on for about a month? Anyway, he was checked and he had lost weight right before all of this happened so I just know I was down to feed him whenever. We also started baby led weaning for feeding since he blatantly prefers to feed himself. He'll now eat beans and peas and rice and bananas and avocados and all sorts of things as long as he is in charge of putting them in his mouth. The inability to put him down is now in full force. I carry him ALL DAY LONG. I chant things like, "the days are long, the years are short" and, "he's my third.. I know this won't be like this forever" and, "one day I'll wish for this back" while I try to hold it together. Not putting a baby down ever is pretty much exhausting. But so is listening to him scream if I attempt anything without holding him, so usually I just hold him or sit next to him while he plays. Thank God he naps well. Two naps, one around 9 am for 1.5-3 hours and another one around 1pm for another 1.5-3 hours, depending on the day. He's starting to get up on all fours and scoot backwards. He's REALLY good at watching Christmas movies with me.

This is because I'm not holding him.

It got worse because I continued to not hold him.

This one is because he likes to make a liar out of me.

7 Months:

He had his heart checked and it was FINE! Well, not fine, but not any worse than usual, so YAY! His lack of fattiness was not due to his heart. AND, he had gained 1/2 a pound. It was a great day. So, we went back to sleep training and now he's back to just one feeding a night. We keep upping the solids and I feed him very frequently during his waking hours. He's trying really hard to army crawl and he squeaks and babbles and makes loud noises almost constantly. He's our loudest child and that is really saying something.

Picking his pumpkins.

Eating his broccoli! He LOVES broccoli!

We don't call him cute baby for no reason.

This is a picture of him being very very loud. Can't you hear him? He's saying, "fuggedabout it...."

Hot damn, I love this kid. Before I put him in bed I cradle him and sing to him and he is so calm and sweet and gurgles little baby loves at me and I think it's not possible to love someone as much as I love him. He is baby gold.

What I Read: November

2014-11-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

The Sea of Tranquility

I had a really hard time getting into this one until about page 75.. then I read the rest in one day. I could. not. stop. reading. And, it's one of those books where I'm going to be all depressed that it's over because I feel like I lost the people from my life when the story ended. I want to keep reading about them. If you like mystery, love, all with a bit of life is really effed up sometimes then this is for you. It's YA (young adult) just so there's no confusion.

Station Eleven

I really, really wanted to love this book. Or even just like it. It's about 400 pages and it took me until about page 350 to be interested enough to WANT to keep reading. It's post apocalyptic, which is generally not my thing but it's not exactly doom and gloom. It's probably beautifully written in a way that's super uninteresting to someone like me (read that as... I'm probably not smart enough to like this book). I've been starting to feel badly that the only books I enjoy are the ones that are so enthralling that I cannot put them down. I WANT to like more challenging books that I have to sort of work my way through. I want to savor books and enjoy them slowly. So, I tried very hard to enjoy this book. And, I just didn't. I'm glad I read it to sort of prove to myself that I could get through it. Go, me.

Bossypants

After all that seriousness from "Station Eleven", I needed something easy and fun. This was definitely that. It made me want to watch 30 Rock and all of the skits of Tina Fey being Sarah Palin on SNL. I laughed and didn't cry. It was perfect.

Maybe someday I'll blog about something other than what I'm reading. Although, that would seriously cut into my reading time.

What I Read: October

2014-11-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

Delancey

I was SO excited to read this book. The story of a husband and wife opening a pizza restaurant in... Seattle! So, of course Ritchie and I went on a date there after I read it. Delicious and fun because I felt like I had the inside scoop. The writing for me was just ok and it's certainly not a gripping story, but it was enjoyable and easy to read. I found it interesting to read all about how they acquired the space and renovated it on a budget, etc. Fun read!

The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion

This was my book club book for October and I loved it! It turned out to be an awesome choice for discussion because there's so much in this book that leads to other topics. Anyway, such a fun, sweet story with rich characters. I love that it was a book I would have never chosen and I really loved it. I'd like to try "Fried Green Tomatoes" now because it's by the same author.

The Farm

What a creepy book. Riveting. I couldn't put it down. But... it was more of the NEED to know what happens than actually enjoying it. I don't think I liked it. I'm learning that I can enjoy an intense book, but there are certain issues that just register more with me and it's hard for me to read about those. This book had some of that going on. I'm being cryptic, I guess. I don't want to give anything away! If you like suspense and don't mind creep factor, give it a whirl!

The Husband's Secret

A few months ago, I read "What Alice Forgot" and I've been recommending it to everyone ever since. I loved it! "The Husband's Secret" is by the same author, so I was excited to read it. It didn't grab my attention as quickly as "What Alice Forgot" did, but it was enjoyable and made me think a lot about life's path and how our choices play into the cards we're dealt sometimes. The epilogue is really important to read if you read this story as (for me) it was very redeeming. Without it, the whole basis for the story seemed far-fetched. Anyway, not my fav, but good enough.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

Another book that I had heard rave reviews about and was just "meh" for me. The narrator is a young boy with autism and it's essentially his quest to find out who killed his neighbor's dog. It's really interesting from the perspective of hearing the thoughts of a person who thinks differently than you might, but I just found it really hard to get invested. I'm not sure why. I think it might have been the wrong time for me to read this one. You know how you could pick up a book and struggle with it but then devour it and love it a few months/years later when you try again? I forced my way through this one, but I'm not sure it's the book's fault.