The Listening Ear

Paying Attention to the Inner Light

2009-11-09T11:14:36-06:00

I have just finished working through another book by J. Brent Bill called Mind the Light: Learning to See with Spiritual Eyes. I’ve written preciously about another of his books, The Sacred Compass. Brent Bill writes from a Quaker perspective and in this book he focuses on the Quaker notion of ‘inner light.’

Minding the Light involves paying attention to the light of God’s presence in our lives. It is a way of deep seeing that tries to discern the ways that God is involved in our inner and our outer lives. It has taken me a while to make my way through this book.

The primary reason that I’ve taken my time with this book is that it offers a rather extensive series of ‘Illuminating Moments.’ These brief exercises are intended to help the reader pay attention to the divine light in our lives. As I read through the book, I frequently used these exercises as an opportunity to reflect in my journal on what I was reading in the book.

In the next posts, I’ll comment on some of the concepts in the book. If you find the concepts to be helpful, I’d encourage you to pick up a copy of the book so that you can work through the ‘Illuminating Moments.’ They will help you apply the concepts to your own life.

All Soul's Parade

2009-11-09T10:24:24-06:00

Last night Seth, Flower, Anea and I went to the All Soul’s parade in downtown Tucson. The more popular name for this celebration is ‘Day of the Dead.’ It is a celebration that is especially popular among Hispanics, although in Tucson it isn’t limited to one ethic group. There were more Anglos than any other group among the participants.

There were literally 1000’s of people who put on costumes and makeup to march in the parade. People just show up and at the appointed time, they start down the parade route. It took 30-40 minutes at least for the procession, filling the street from curb to curb, to pass by the spot where we were watching.

Most of the costumes and makeup were variations on skeleton theme. And the variations seemed endless. There were skeleton puppets, banners, and 1000’s faces made up in white and black makeup to look like human skulls.

I wondered how 3 year old Anea would react to all this and was prepared for the possibility of a quick and early departure. Instead of being frightened, she was transfixed by all the marchers and really enjoyed the parade. I am still sorting out my thoughts and feelings regarding this event.

I found that watching all those skeletons pass by was weird, a bit creepy, but also strangely impressive. My take on this celebration is it is a time to honor those who have died before us. It also serves as a reminder that death is something that awaits us all and that we ought to savor life while it lasts. The Day of the Dead is a celebration of life despite the reality of death.

Some of the marchers carried pictures of loved ones who had died. There was also a group that made their own witness in this sea of mortality symbols. They carried a large sign that read, “Jesus is the resurrection and the life who died for the sins of the world.” That is the hope that Christians cling to in the face of death.

Here are some pictures from the parade:

Wanda's brother Greg and his friend Charlie.

Faces in the Procession

The Grim Reaper and his Wife

A Great Day With Anea

2009-11-06T23:18:42-06:00

Anea and I had a great day, today. First we went out for coffee together—I had a mocha and she had hot chocolate and we share a carrot cake cup cake. Then we went to Bookman's, a great used book store and browsed in the children's section. After that we went to play at a local park. Anea's mother, Flor De Liz picked us up at the park and we grab burgers at In and Out. Then we ate at another park.

Tonight Anea and I watched a Care Bear movie and then had a pretend tea party. It was a great way to end the day.

Here are some pictures from our day.

Creative Conflict 7

2009-11-04T08:40:36-06:00

I’ve been thinking more about the question that was asked of me the other day: “I’m wondering how you open up a conflict in a relationship and make it an opportunity for resolutions when communication has shut down.” This is particularly a challenge in family relationships, friendships and working relationships where we want to do what we can to have the best relationship possible.

One thing that may make a difference is to act in a way that the other person doesn’t expect. It has to be a positive action, of course. It will change the dynamics of the relationship, although we don’t have control over how those changes will develop.

For instance, when someone has cut us off, they are expecting us to avoid them as well. Maybe we can look for a way to reach out to them to avoid the cutoff.

I remember a time many years ago when I was visiting my aunt Florence. I was in the process of interviewing members of my family to learn more about my family history. After I finished talking with Florence, I called my uncle Merle who lived in the same community.

When Merle answered the phone, I told him that I wanted to interview him about our family history. Merle respond that he wasn’t about to talk to me because what had happened years ago wasn’t any of my business. Then he hung up on me.

His reaction was a total surprise to me. My aunt Florence said, “Merle can be touchy like that. I think you should go over to his house anyway. Just tell him that you didn’t mean to upset him. You don’t really have anything to lose.”

Up to that point, my response would have been to leave Merle alone completely. Of course that would have made the situation even worse. So I took Florence’s advice, got in my car, drove over to Merle’s house.

As soon as he came to the door, I told him, “Merle, if you don’t want to be interviewed that’s OK. But I just couldn’t leave things the way they were.” That’s all it took to make him soften a bit. He invited me in and we talked a bit. The cutoff that had started never materialized.

I learned something from my aunt Florence that day. She was right to send me to Merle’s house to see if the cutoff could be avoided. When I showed up at Merle’s door it was something he didn’t expect. He could see that I wanted to try to salvage our relationship.

There’s no guarantee that acting in an unexpected manner will revive a relationship that’s been damaged, but it might give it another chance. When we make this attempt, its important not to assign blame for the cutoff. We just acknowledge what has happened and express our desire to restore the relationship. If we have reason to apologize we should do so. If we don’t feel that we’ve done anything wrong, we can just say, “I’m sorry about what has happened between us.”

My aunt Florence taught me a lesson in maturity. It is something that I’ve remember and have had a chance to up into practice more than once over the years. Sometimes it works quite well. And even if it doesn’t, I know that I have done what I could to restore the relationship.

Creative Conflict-5

2009-11-04T06:18:02-06:00

For this final post on creative conflict I want to return to what James says in his letter. He mentions two related principles for Christians to use as they deal with conflicts in the community of faith.

The first is to humble ourselves before God, to submit ourselves to God’s will. When we find ourselves in conflict, focusing on the discernment of God’s will takes us beyond personal preference. We seek the common good, what’s best for the community.

This emphasis on discovering God’s will helps us manage our anxiety. It reminds us to trust in God, not in ourselves. We believe that God is going to lead us and we act on that belief.

That means that we trust God to give us what we need. James says, “You do not have because you do not ask.” (4:2) When we don’t rely on God to give us what we need to do God’s will, it is no wonder we feel anxious. Then we have only ourselves to depend on and we should be anxious. Trust in God is the way to overcome our anxieties.

Another basis for the approach James recommends is to “Love our neighbor as ourselves.” James gives us a picture of what this looks like. He says, “ the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace for those who make peace.” (3:17)

We need to be able to look beyond our own desire to seek the common good—the good of the neighbor, the community of faith. One of the ways that love for neighbor will manifest itself is that we will put the best construction on all that our neighbor says and does.

When we humble ourselves to seek God’s will and we focus on the needs of the neighbor,hhhh those attitudes and practices will help us deal with the conflicts that inevitably arise in all our relationships.

Creative Conflict-6

2009-11-03T16:12:33-06:00

I received an email in response to my posts on creative conflict. Here’s the question, disguised a bit to keep the questioner anonymous and my response.

think you ask a good question. I know it is painful to deal with the kind of cutoff that you describe, especially when it involves a family relationship.

The Question: “I’m wondering how you open up a conflict in a relationship and make it an opportunity for resolutions when communication has shut down.”

My Response: I think it is important that we do what we can to keep the possibility of communication open from our side of the relationship. For instance, I know of one family member who always sent a Christmas card to another family member, even though he never got a reply and once got the card back unopened.

The truth is that we have no control over another person's behavior. We can't prevent them from cutting themselves off from us. It is tempting to ignore them as well, but I think the healthier, more mature response is to continue to indicate that our door is open to communication and relationship. Sometimes people surprise us by walking through that door even when we don't expect it.

I think it is good to ask ourselves whether there is anything in the other person that we also find in ourselves. We might learn something about ourselves by that question. Once we've considered that, we may simply have to adjust our expectations, realizing that as sad as it is for us, we may not be able to have the kind of relationship that we'd like to have with another person.

I hope this helps, even though it doesn't give you the 'magic' solution.

On Vacation

2009-11-03T16:03:49-06:00

I am just starting a week in Tucson visiting my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter so some of my next posts may be a bit more personal. I am already having fun playing with Anea. Its good for heart and soul.

Creative Conflict—4

2009-11-03T06:45:19-06:00

When we are able to look at conflict and disagreement as a creative opportunity and a chance for personal learning, we begin to see conflict differently. Here are some of the changes that occur:

Conflict is no longer personal. Its about what’s right, not who is right.
The mission of the organization (church) becomes the most important thing
We work hard to protect the team and the church
We understand and acknowledge our emotions
The situation is reframed into a more useful construct
We are thoughtful
We are reflective
We listen to understand what the underlying issues may be
We do not see negative intentions in other persons

These attitudes and behaviors enable us to employ conflict to reach a creative and useful end. We learn more about ourselves and we discover solutions to our common problems that are more effective.

Creative Conflict-3

2009-11-02T06:16:02-06:00

We have acknowledged that conflict is escapable. Differences in background, life experience, perceptions result in different opinions on almost any subject.

It is true that conflict can be very painful and can produce negative consequences. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The problem isn’t conflict itself. The problem lies in how people relate to one another in conflict.

Conflict has some very important functions. When different points of view are expressed, we often discover information that wouldn’t be available to us if we didn’t express those differing views. Healthy conflict can clear the air. And it can lead to a more creative and more effective solution to whatever problems we face as individuals and as groups.

Another benefit of conflict is that we learn something about ourselves. We need to consider resistance as our ally. When we meet resistance its is tempting to ignore it and push ourselves into denial. Or we can wage war on resistance, trying to force things through.

But a third approach is often more productive: we can stop and reflect on why what we are doing isn’t working and then change our approach.

One of the things that we often don’t realize is that when we react strongly and negatively to characteristics in other persons, it is usually an indication that we are reacting to something in ourselves. Somehow this other person reminds us of our own shadow side. Our strong reaction indicates that this is a trait that we deny in ourselves. It makes us anxious to confront this part of ourselves so we focus on the behavior of someone else.

Conflict, then, becomes an opportunity to learn something important about ourselves. Often this is painful learning; yet it can also lead to healing. It can lead to growth and greater maturity for us.

When we begin to understand ourselves at a deeper level, we develop an increased ability to understand and to empathize with others. We learn to be more compassionate about ourselves and that leads to greater compassion for others. This is an important way that conflict can be a creative force for us and for others as well.

Creative Conflict-2

2009-11-01T06:39:50-06:00

There’s no doubt that conflict and disagreement can lead to some very negative consequences. It’s my contention that those negative results are not inevitable, but they certainly are a possibility whether conflict happens in our marriages, our families, our friendships, our community or our church.

What can happen in conflict is that we focus more on feelings and personal issues. We become discouraged and depressed when we are faced with conflict. When we fail to recognize the part we play in problem and so we start to think of ourselves a victims.

Often blame enters the picture. If we blame others, we don’t look inside ourselves to see how we can change. Or we blame ourselves, loading ourselves with guilt and recrimination, feeling powerless to change. Either way, changes we need to make don’t take place.

Here’s a list of things that happen when our anxiety over conflict leads to into unproductive responses:

We view conflict as personal
We think that its all about me
Emotions rule our behavior without being acknowledged
We believe that we need to protect ourselves because we feel weak and vulnerable
We deny our emotions, projecting them on others
The situation escalates
We disengage, avoiding people and situations
We are easily annoyed
We are resentful
We procrastinate
We resort to personal attacks on others
We use alcohol as medication

James writes, “where there is envy and selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind (3:16). Conflict can easily become destructive. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In my next post, I want to talk about the benefits of conflict and disagreement and to follow that up with some ways that we can seek to make conflict truly creative.