The Lonely Spot

MY LITTLE LIFE

2024-09-26T14:30:00.000-04:00

It is a humbling experience when a person becomes aware of being no more and no less than any other person. It is truly a very important lesson that most of us learn at a young age; when I was growingup it was a part of what was called learning our manners.

That's A Blessing

2019-06-22T05:09:00.002-04:00

After months of having the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head and the anxiety filled fear caused by that threat, it is done. I have been blessed beyond prayer. Though the ultrasound in February had indicated 60 to 70 percent blockage in the left renal artery, the vascular surgeon found absolutely no blockage. I was stunned. Relieved beyond measure, but stunned. How could there be such a discrepancy? Only through the power of prayer and our Lord.

The pain issue in my legs continues to torture me, I will be having and ultrasound of my leg next. I must admit that I am more than a little skeptical about this. After all, look at what I went through after the renal ultrasound. It would be foolish to deny that I am desperate for relief, for help of some kind in ending this pain but I truly believe that in the end it will all come down to me. I am just going to have to face this pain toe to toe and as they say, suck it up. There is no magic pill, lotion, potion or powder that will help me, I must get beyond the leg pain, the back pain, the chest pain. The pain.

Do you know what it's like to have no feeling of self-worth? To be nothing but a financial and emotional burden, a piece baggage that can't be gotten rid of? To know that you are sucking the joy right out of the life of the person who must suffer your presence every day? These are horrific things! When compassion is replaced with impatience and understanding acceptance and compromise is replaced with irritability and a short temper it leaves me feeling even more depressed and disappointed in myself. These are qualities that I have always been proud of myself for. If I have no other worth at least I know I am a caring and loving person. Or, I should say I have always been in the past. Pain is changing me.

After 42 years I will go so far as to say that I know my husband well, I know what he is thinking and feeling about all of this, what he is doing is quite another thing. He is being a rock. He is supporting me completely in every way and I will never find the words or the deeds to thank him enough for it. Of course, I knew he was my hero the first day I met him.

There is always hope.

Shaking My Head

2019-06-01T08:10:00.001-04:00

What a blessing to hear the morning chorus in the merry month of June, knowing that when I step outside it will be warm. I have my Lord Jesus to thank for the glorious gifts of my husband and my home here in the 8 Aker Wood, my heaven on Earth. It is my sincere wish that this month last a very long time, I do not want it to run away from me. Summer flies by much too quickly, years fly by much too quickly of late. It's all I can do to keep up with the pace. How in the world did I jump from 50 to 60 so fast? However, at this moment the birds are singing, the grass is growing, trees are green, bunnies, squirrels, deer and all manner of creatures are breathing in and thriving on the green and growing world about us. Life is sweet when summer is here.

Much has happened and much is going on in my little life. Winter was, as always long and cruel. My love was sick for most of it and it made for a miserable slog. Though I will admit there were a few very nice treats this year. In February while it was bitterly cold here we took our first ever cruise, to the Bahamas. It was bliss to lay on an island under a palm tree all day with a warm ocean breeze and the warmth of the sun. In March we ventured back to Charleston, SC so Don could run a race, and then we took a little time to enjoy the warmth and be tourists at Patriots Point. I sincerely hope that we can make a tradition of taking a break and heading south for a break during the cold of winter every year. It made a huge difference for me.

As you may know, I have made no secret here of the fact that depression is one of my greatest battles, along with it comes (more so as I get older it seems) anxiety. There are those who do not understand how debilitating and devastating these things can be, they judge us harshly. There are those who suffer these things in silence because of the stigma still attached to them. Today I find myself wishing that I had been one of the later. Once you begin treatment for depression and anxiety you will find that there are a host of other illnesses associated with them. It then becomes a question of, is she having heart palpitations and shortness of breath because of a real health issue or is it all in her head? Is she really suffering in pain because of a medical problem or is anxiety causing it? Every time I see a doctor, any doctor I am given a mental health evaluation. They do little to discourage the feeling of being labeled. To be fair, it has seldom happened that any medical professional said to me that they felt I had physical complaint that was all in my head. I do much of that to myself. I am terrified of appearing to be a hypochondriac. To have that attached to my chart as well would be devastating. The thing that brings all this thought forward here is that my depression and anxiety levels have been so bad that I have had to change medications. And I got so frustrated with the long waiting periods and much to frequently not having my medications in stock at Walmart Pharmacy that I switched back to our little local pharmacy. I really hated to do that, small town and all that.

There are contributing factors to my emotional state. Pain is an issue I have long dealt with. I have come to grips with the fact that I will be in a certain amount of pain every day. Most days on a scale of 1 -10 I am at about 4-5, I can take that. Lately that has escalated to 6-8 and that's where I seem to staying. Nothing I can do about it. I take acetaminophen but that's as strong as I can take, the other NSAID class drugs cause my BP to go high. I have had the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head since February, now I guess it's going to happen. The Vascular Surgeon says, if it was him he wouldn't put it off, well his scheduling nurse is playing phone tag with me and if she doesn't get this thing nailed down by Monday I'm going to bail. He said I have 60 to 70 percent blockage, to me that says I still have 30 to 40 percent flow so on I go. I just do not have the patience for this! And finally, last July when I had my annual mammogram the patient portal posted my result as " malignant neoplasm" and changed my status from high risk cancer to active cancer. Well, look that up. When I contacted my doctor for the results, she said everything was fine. So... I have a lump or swelling and extreme tenderness at my right underarm and breast. It's probably noting, irritation from clothing or deodorant, it may go away in a few days. Ever since my lumpectomy and radiation treatments it's very difficult to discern differences in that breast but this is obvious. My next mammogram is scheduled for July 19. You know how it is. If you need your insurance to pay for these things you have to have the annual one that's free.

Enough about me! Let's talk about my love, the light of my life! Poor Don, he went out to mow the grass on the good OLD John Deere last Monday and it expired. Can you imagine how frustrated he was? Of course, our preferred John Deere dealer was closed on Memorial Day. Here's the great irony of the thing. After looking online at mowers that night he decided to check one out at Lowe's the next day. Long story made a little shorter, we did check Lowe's and instead of the one he was thinking of we ended up buying another John Deere. We started out at Lowe's in one town and didn't purchase there because they couldn't deliver until Friday, June 7. We went to Lowe's in another town and did purchase there, but they couldn't deliver our new John Deere that we could have purchased on Monday until Saturday, June 8. Sometimes you just have to shake your head.

There is always hope.

Betty's Blue Christmas

2018-12-11T10:56:00.001-05:00

I have never felt so low during the Christmas Season in my life. I miss my parents. There are those who will say, and perhaps justly so, that I have no right to say that but there it is. I want to hear my mother tell one her stories, they never grew old for me, I want to see her laugh and clap her hands together when something tickles her. I want to thank her for giving me the strength to survive so far and the courage to look to tomorrow because if that woman had nothing else, she had an inner strength that came from the very foundations of the earth. I need to hear my father say good morning the way he used to, I need to feel the weight of his big hand fall gently on my shoulder and rest there. That hand on my shoulder said so many things that were never conveyed in words there was no need, there was love in that callused hand. My mother and sister have always told me that have his hands; I hope so, I hope that's what people feel from my hands.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I inherited from my parents. They both loved to laugh had an ornery streak (don't we all harbor one?) and they could both sit for hours or days just soaking in the beauty of a river, lake or woods. Like them, I discovered early in life that when it comes to family politics it's best to play both sides of the fence or at least don't commit to a side in any argument because feelings will be hurt no matter the outcome. Best to avoid that. They both loved to tell stories and they were good at it. They taught me that when you call someone family you are making a commitment to them to love them warts and all. I don't call anyone family unless I'm willing to go take on the burden. That's the other thing they taught me, sometimes love can be a burden. People get cranky, moody, selfish at times, sometimes they become repetitive out of frustration or forgetfulness but it happens to everyone. Sometimes the person who is family is depressed or angry, doesn't want to talk or talks all the time; the point is that if we take on the burden of loving someone there is a price to pay but when we took the burden on, we agreed to pay it. I also inherited my brothers and my sister, my love for them is a burden I will never lay down.
And then there is this entire screwed up world out there that I can't seem to hide from. It smacks me in the face every single day, over and over again. So much hate and anger I don't even know if there is anything out there anymore that is the truth. I don't trust anything I hear on the so-called news these days. As of this day I am going out of my way not to hear another news cast again. I can't take it anymore. Why are people so hell bent on destroying each other? Friends hating friends, families hating each other, husbands and wives...where the hell does it end?
This has always been the most beautiful, sacred time of the year for me. Preparing for the celebration of the Baby Jesus birth, that miracle of miracles that changed the world. It breaks my heart that that little baby was born to die to save us from...this! How do these people sleep? Are they having migraines and sleepless nights followed by anxiety filled days? I think not. No, I hold meaning of Christmas close to my heart but I am not at all in any mood to celebrate this year.

When Dreams Die

2017-04-18T19:38:00.002-04:00

Dreams. They were so real I could taste them, touch, breathe the very air of wherever it was that my dreams were taking me. It’s been such a long time since I had a dream like that, a dream that was so real it became a need to go there and see it, smell it and feel it in my waking life. I dreamed of Ireland, Scotland, the whole of Great Britain. I needed to go there and walk through the moors, stand on top of Ben Nevis, breathe the salty air and hear the crashing of ocean on the Isle of Skye. I needed desperately to walk the lanes and of an Irish village and wander off through a lonely castle. Westminster Abbey and The Tower, I needed to touch the stone and sit in silence to hear the echoes from the past, perhaps my past, who can say. I dreamed of forests so mysterious that surely there must still be at least one unicorn, one patch of days more simple and beautiful where life was filled with wondrous things. Oh, but these were wonderful dreams and as I dreamed them some how in my heart, I let myself believe that because I needed to see and do these things, I would. And then… My dreams died.

When those dreams died, I felt bitter at first, then after a time I found a way to compensate for the loss. There will never be a way to reawaken dead dreams, but I can view ghostly images of what might have been. There are photographs, music, books, magazines and video of these places. I can see it all this way. So, I did.

And now, we have been talking about taking a once in a lifetime trip to the British Isles and Ireland. We’ve been talking about it for about 8 or 10 years now. To tell the truth, at this point I have come to terms with the fact that I will never see those places where my soul longs to be, not in this lifetime. Perhaps I’ll pass over it all on my last journey as I leave this earth. Besides the dream, when I was young was to go there and linger, to experience every nuance, not to pass through on the way to something else. It is indeed sad to watch your dreams die before your eyes. That’s the nature of the beast when when you share your life with someone else. It was my dream not my husbands and I can’t fault him. What I should have done was made my dreams come true. My husband lives his life as his father did, on his terms, in his own good time.

Do I still dream? Not really. I’ve had Putt Putt Golf on my Bucket List for 30 years. It’s apparently not on my husbands priority list to help me check things off of my list. Once in awhile I’ll throw something out there that I would like to do but it just gets shot down most of the time..but someday one might just slip through.

There is always hope.

My New Sideline

2017-02-22T16:52:00.001-05:00

I am adventuring in the world of essential oils. So far, I have learned enough to know that I want to learn much, much more. I have been to the library and read 2 books from there and I have downloaded 2 Kindle books from Amazon. The one item that caught my attention very early and has only been mentioned twice in the books and online websites that I have visited selling the essential oils is that you must be very cautious with them. Apparently, they can be harmful if misused, as can nearly anything but these can have serious health risks involved if you don't know what you are doing. Perhaps I am overcautious but I would much rather err on the side of caution. At any rate, I am so enjoying this adventure, as I had no idea what uses there were for essential oils. I thought they were meant for diffusing and adding to homemade soaps and lotions. It was a big surprise to read about the medicinal uses, cleaning and disinfecting properties of some of them. What a wonderful pastime to kill the cold winter hours.

Of course, the day to day matters of life continue even if I would rather shut myself away with my oils and books researching amazing ways to use them. Laundry must be washed, dinner must be cooked and my overly large bottom must get up, get out and walk in the cold. Truth be told I really don't mind any of it, seriously what would I do if I didn't have to keep house and take care of my husband? If I were not able to get out there in that cold and walk I just know my mind would implode. It's what we all need, to keep busy so that the winter doesn't drive us mad. Unfortunately for us two of our favorite pastimes, winter and summer is sitting in front of our television and computer screens. We can take up a big chunk of the day watching these unhealthy things. I don't like it and I would like to wean myself from them but I am afraid that I am addicted!

Well, we know that there is always hope.

A Fine Day To Stay Warm

2017-02-16T09:07:00.001-05:00

It's a fine day to stay inside and try to stay warm. A forecast high of 33, burr! Doesn't matter I still have to get out there and put in at least a 2-mile walk. If I am ever going to take off an ounce of weight and be ready to walk my 50K in June I've got to get moving. It's so hard to do when winter has such a death grip on me. The older I get the harder winter is on me. I know that I am not an anomaly, I have seen many people have the same problem as they aged and I always felt sorry for them but I really didn't understand what they were going through, I do now.

At this time of year my mind always goes to dark places. Yesterday was a particularly difficult day, I found myself reaching out to the Lord several times. He is the only one I have to talk to. I do find comfort in words, reading and searching for quotes. It keeps my mind busy. I also like to find pictures of beautiful things, animals, birds, flowers and the universe.

Enough for this day, time to get moving. There is always hope.

2016-04-23T09:35:00.000-04:00

I am playing Edward Gerhard on acoustic guitar and Christmas music just came on but I will not skip past it because it's beautiful music. As I listen my mind flashes images of baking cookies and wrapping Christmas gifts, the sounds of the family all gathered round in one small room; everyone hot and over dressed but soaking up memories. Our families have come of age and we are, all of us well aware that the days are running by and the years we have left with the parents will be too few (my own are already gone). So…as the Christmas music plays on so shall I go on. Ahem…

I live a quiet and happy life in rural Ohio with my husband, Don. We do, on occasion have an adventure here or sometimes there. Today he is having an adventure here, he is out running on trails at Mohican State Park. Tomorrow we will each have an adventure because he will once again run the trails and I will walk the paved park roads. We are preparing for a grand adventure there in May, in New Jersey. He is running a 24 hour race, he will get in 100 miles; I will be walking my first marathon.

I am 57 years old and I have discovered a few things since my birthday in January. There are these wrinkles on my face, I wonder how they got there? My hair is getting very, very thin and I am getting very, very wide! I have severe Degenerative Disc Disease in my lower back ( a dramatic way of saying arthritis, call it what it is!) and that means I’ve got to move it or lose it. You bet your bippy I’m moving it! Every single day, because if I don't the pain is incredible and I am so happy that I can move it

I am a Christian and I will never cower or deny it. Though I see all of the horrors and terrors there are in this world, I refuse to live a life of dower negativity. There is always hope.

2016-04-08T09:52:00.000-04:00

I've done a tiny bit of writing, a piece here a piece there off and on for a few weeks now. The only thing I am willing to post at this point is a short poem.

My Lord is mighty
My Lord is kind
My Lord is gentle
He's felt the knife
He's faced the devil
He holds my hand
When I am tempted
He understands
My Lord fights for me
When I am thrown on my knees
My Lord lifts me up up
He know my needs
My Lord knows what I face
He's been here too.

There is always hope...

Sidelined

2015-06-24T03:15:00.000-04:00

I am sidelined from exercise, no walking or exercising for few days. If I am honest I have to admit that in a way it is a bit of a relief. It’s kind of a struggle to breathe at the moment but that will soon be fixed, I am taking some good antibiotics and steroids. The only problem with the good drugs is that they are causing a good amount of pain and I am having a rough night. It’s 2:45 am. Oh well, all things come round in the end. I’ll be fine soon enough, just listen to me whine. I am merely miserable, not suffering, people with serious illnesses suffer, I am not in that category, thank God.

So I am looking forward to a good Wednesday, I know it is going to be a glorious day. We will be feeding our garden and cutting fresh lettuce for salad. Oh my word! We grow the best tasting lettuce I have ever had in my entire life! It really is awesome. It’s all due to the care Don took in amending the soil and preparing our garden for planting and of course we are feeding our precious food lots of Miracle Grow. I really can’t wait for the tomatoes to come in and the spaghetti squash, yum.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours culling out some of my old files and cleaning up things that should have been deleted. I have read many things that were written in my dark days; they were indeed dark days. As I read some of those things I cannot believe that person was really me. I was so full of despair, so hopeless…I can only thank God and Don for saving me. Anyway, I’ve dumped a large portion of that suffering, I have given it to the Lord, I don’t want it anymore. However…I did save one very dark poem I wrote, I am sure it isn’t very good but I kind of like it because it does end with what I feel is a positive note. You decide;

The Spirit Fades

Please my children, turn your eyes and do not watch
As despair savages my soul.
The bleak blackness that sucks from the light all thought.
Quivering, quaking threads of hope lay cowering,
Shrinking, beating out a fading tattoo.
To late my children, you have stood too near and watched me die.
Quickly now my children, take this gift this last gently pulsing
Timid glow, shelter it nourish it encourage it to grow.
Softly I breathe, tenderly my children, you have in your hands my soul.

Well I like it. It is in the end a message of renewal. There is always hope.

I Remember Colleen

2015-06-18T18:21:00.001-04:00

About 25 years ago or so my mother-in-law told me that she had done her living and she was waiting to die. I thought that was sad. 25 years ago my mother-in-law was 60 years old; I am 56 years old now and I hate to admit it but until recently I have been feeling that same way. My mantra each day on rising and several times through the day I would say to myself that I wanted to die. I thought of my mother-in-law and thought, you are in for a very long wait because life is way too long for people like us.
What happened? I really don’t know but I am working from the premise that it was the power of prayer that finally lead me into the light.

Last year, a friend and a woman of Faith was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. To say she was a friend is to simple a word for what she represented in my life; she stood a step above most others, she was washed in the light of the Lord. She was a true gift to those of us she touched. The list of things she did for me is long; the last thing she did was bring me back to the light. Her name was Colleen Theusch, I miss her and I thank her very much. When I heard how sick Colleen was I did something that I had not done in a very long time, I prayed. As dark as my world was, as shattered as my spirit had been, not even then did I pray, I was unworthy, that’s how I felt. I would not pray for me but I did pray for Colleen. I prayed many times a day and I was very specific in my prayers, the more I prayed the more I added to my prayers, there were others that I loved who needed help. In the end, Colleen passed on but I continued to pray and it was, I am sure the praying that brought me back to the light.

Slowly, by small degrees my life has opened before me and it is beautiful. I have been gifted with a loving husband and friends and a home that is beautiful and safe and I no longer live in fear. There is nothing I want for or need because I have God lighting the path before my feet. Life is good and I hope I live a very long time. There is always hope.

I'll Take Another Day Like This Please

2015-06-17T20:20:00.001-04:00

What A Wonderful World as sung by Louis Armstrong, my favorite song and in my little corner of the world on this particular day it is indeed a wonderful world. My favorite gospel song for years has been How Great Thou Art but I think perhaps a new song may be edging it out; I Praise You as sung by Johna Renee and written by Johna Rosier. It's been a music filled day for me and anytime it's a music day it's a great day in my book.

It has been an active day to be sure, we went to Findley State Park and did a walk/run, I walk, Don runs and we generally enjoy ourselves. It rained today and for me, it was such a gift! I do truly love to walk in the rain; it is a wonderful feeling, freeing and exhilarating and it's a celebration. It was a perfect day for me and I hope it was for Don as well. He had a good run, even with the rain and mud. The thing is; if we get wet in the rain, we will dry out, if we get muddy it will wash off no worries. It's all part of participating in life you've got to get out there and live it. So It's been a music day with walking in the rain and shared with Don...it just doesn't get much better than that. God is was raining down His Grace on me today, yes it was a gift.

As this day draws to close and I begin to plan my day for tomorrow I am thinking that maybe I'll just walk on my treadmill tomorrow . I've got lots of things I need to do here in the house and a good easy 2 miles after my great PR on my 5 miler today sounds like just the thing. Maybe I'll go out to the garden and poke around a little too, you just never know.

There is always hope.

On Being Broken

2015-06-16T19:38:00.000-04:00

I have been broken. A while ago, some years ago, I went through a terrible time of fear, pain, and darkness. I was well and truly broken, so broken that I could not face God. I believed and I knew he was there, watching over me but I was so shattered that I did not believe I was worthy of His Grace. During that time I did not need pity, I needed shelter. At the time I did not know what I needed, I really didn’t think I would ever be whole again. I have read and heard it said that when you have been broken it is a chance to rebuild yourself, stronger and with a better foundation for the experience. It is true. What a terrifying journey it was to be broken; I lost all sense of self worth, my identity was stolen from me, my soul was torn to shreds only hanging on by a thread. I felt like nothing. I felt inhuman, Invisible, worthless. It was a long and dark road that I traveled and I wish that journey on no one.

It took years for me to recover from that experience and they were hard years. During that time of despair I had to continue living in front of others, acting as normal as I was capable of (if anyone could ever describe me as normal). I am still unsure of how well I pulled that off but I gave it my best shot. During that time I took the drugs prescribed by the doctor and had many therapy sessions (this is difficult to admit) and gradually, over time the drugs went away one by one and the therapy sessions ended and I found my way back to the light. Now, some years later, I think that I may be as recovered from being broken as I will ever be. Though I would never have recovered but for the Grace of God, in the end I give much of the credit of my recovery to Don. That time of darkness did, I think change both of us though of course him to a lesser degree; still he is much more patient with me now. The thing is I don‘t believe that I will ever fully recover from being broken. I am a little more tentative, a little more sensitive to others moods and almost desperate to avoid loud talking. However, parts of me have come back just as strong if not stronger and happier. I refuse to wake up in the morning in a grumpy mood, I feel I owe it to both of us to see the possibilities in each new day and I thank God each day for life and Don.

Coming back from being broken is not easy, how could it be, but given time, compassion and the right help it can be done. Another point to make is that depression and being broken is not the same thing. When you are broken you are depressed but it goes way beyond that, miles beyond that into a realm that will change you forever if you survive it and it takes strength to survive it.

No matter how shattered you are and how black the world seems, there is always hope though you may not see it it is there, like God.

Rob

2013-10-01T15:05:00.001-04:00

I don’t believe I have ever gone into any detail about my relationship with Rob; this seems to be the perfect time because it is a very exciting time for him. We met Rob when he was about thirteen so he was still very much a kid. That made me about twenty-four years old. Nowhere near old enough to be his mother, I know, but wait and read on.

He was a great kid. Fantastic sense of humor, Rob was up for anything that included practical jokes or trickery. And he was earnest; if a job needed doing he did with great dispatch and a minimum of teenage grumbling. Straight from the get go he was a friend, ready to be there in any need and more than willing to carry his share of the burden. It didn’t take long for us to want to include Rob in our life; he spent time with us on weekends whenever his parents allowed it and he even took a few trips with us where we made some great memories. All and all he was a happy person to be with and a genuine friend.

Things at home were not as they should be but that is Rob’s story to tell. We had known him for a few years and the relationship continued to grow; there came a time when Rob decided he was moving away from home and striking out on his own. We were appalled at the idea of him doing that; he was still in high school! You have to understand; Rob was a smart young man. He knew if he cut loose from home that he would have to work to support himself and he knew what kind of bills he would be looking at, but he was determined. Don had a talk with him and as things worked out Rob ended up moving in with us. I guess that’s when the mothering instinct kicked into high gear. When he moved out it was my fault and I cried for days.

I am at a loss as to how to describe exactly why I feel so motherly for Rob. The age difference isn’t all that great between us and yet it is. There he was just a kid and I was all grown up and well into womanhood and I didn’t see him getting very much mothering so I stepped in. It was also shortly after I had my hysterectomy and I knew I would never have a child of my own but I needed one desperately and there he was. I only know that over the years the feeling has not gone away but grown stronger. There is never a time when I cease to be aware of him; he is there and if I know he is doing well then that is good and I don’t have to put him on the front burner and worry. If we don’t hear from him for a while I get worried and wonder what is going on. I have no way of knowing if these are feelings that real mothers have but to me that’s what it feels like. I want to protect him if he isn’t doing well and I worry myself to distraction when he is sick.

He has grown into a fine man and father. He has put himself through college and kept climbing ladders at work. He is an inspiration to others in his kindness and generosity. If I had been able to have son I would have wanted him to be exactly like Rob (except as a mother I would not want to know some of the things he has done! too scary!).

The exciting thing for Rob is that he has been blessed to find his one true love, Johna, and they are getting married on November 1 in Jamaica. Oh, I wish them joy and I wish them peace; they love each other so much it hurts. You can see it in their eyes.

As the Bob Marley song Johna sent me says “Every Little Thing Gonna Be Alright”

There is always hope.

A Bonafide Writer

2013-09-27T10:11:00.000-04:00

I have, from time to time, tried my hand at writing fiction. I have started other blogs with burning bed themes and other desperate topics but they never went anywhere. I just couldn’t maintain an interest in the topic. So…I have decided to close out those blogs (especially since I did not indicate they were a work of fiction to begin with, which I should have) and try my hand at non-fiction for a while. What a pity; I had such high dreams of becoming a bonafide writer, ah well I guess it isn’t meant to be.

I was thinking the other day that on August 15 of last year I had my partial mastectomy. Wow! Over a year ago now; cancer free, it sure sounds good to me. I am now down to seeing two doctors for follow-up cancer prevention/detection. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am very lucky. DCIS really is (as my surgeon said) the cancer you want if you have to have cancer; and apparently I did have to have it.

A few weeks ago we started a new diet; I hate to call it that because it really is an entire new way of eating for us. I have lost a few pounds, nothing to write home about but still I have lost. The, let’s call it a system; is Called the Trim Down Club. They give you a meal plan based on your BMI and your goal weight that includes complete menus with three meals a day and three snacks a day. The snacks are substantial and the meals are filling, they include recipes and healthy foods and work on a fat burning concept of food combinations. All in all we think it is worth sticking with for a while and see what happens. Don is losing a steady 1 ½ pounds every week. I vary, last week I maintained and did not gain or lose.

We have had the cross country kids over twice so far this year and are looking to have a third time soon, first the entire team came over for a spaghetti dinner in August and then the girls were here for pizza and a movie just the other night. If the boys can ever make up their minds and agree on a night they will come for their own pizza and movie night. The cross country season is nearly over, hard to believe but it’s true. October is just the Crestline meet the MBC, district and regional meets that’s it unless someone goes to state in November which would be awesome though unlikely.

That about brings me up to speed; not really, we went to Delaware for a short vacation at the ocean in July and it seems as if we did a few other things, at any rate it always feels as though we are busy, though at the moment I cannot recall what else we did.

So…I think I’ll go get ready for a nice long walk in the early fall sunshine…

There is always hope.

Walking, Life and Vacation

2013-06-02T11:21:00.001-04:00

At last, I have started walking on a regular basis again. That took long enough. I’m still struggling with finding the motivation to do it, but somehow or other I am getting out and doing it on most days. The average goal is to walk for an hour a day; I’ve been hitting that more often than not.

Life is cruising along; when the situation calls for it I socialize and participate in whatever is happening. I do well enough. The rest of the time I quietly live in my little house and never tire of the beauty that surrounds me. The green grass and trees, the blue blue sky, the birds and the animals as they play, the fields that are planted with this year’s crop and the cows grazing in the meadows of the next farm over. All of these things thrill me, they are ever changing and they make my life a joy.

Summer is here again and once again we find ourselves trying to come up with a plan for a short vacation. The desire is there, the destination is chosen; it comes down to finding the time to go and acquiring adequate accommodations. If it is meant to be, we will work it out, if not I don’t mind. We shall see. When we begin thinking about finding the time for a vacation and look at the calendar suddenly the summer zips by and is gone before it has begun. That is never good. So I say let’s stop thinking about vacation for a while and enjoy the summer.

You know, for all my talk about walking, I am really not in the mood for it today. Don’t ask me what I would rather do instead, I don’t know; I only know that putting in a walk today sounds like so much work. Maybe I’ll change my mind here in a little bit…

There is always hope.

The Robin Sings

2013-03-09T12:11:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here in the warm sunshine, being serenaded by a very happy robin. Oh it makes me want spring to come today! As has happened every year for as long as I can remember, it is March and I am longing for spring to come and wash away the lethargy of winter. This year for some reason we are holding on to daytime temps in the 20’s and 30’s. I want those temps to climb into the 40’s so I can do my walk without the restriction of a face warmer. It is harder to breathe properly with one of those things on but I have to wear one if the temps are too cool.

I think I would like to take a trip to the ocean this year. There is no place on earth like the ocean to bring your perspective back into alignment. It’s even better when you can find a stretch of sand with no one else or very few others for a short while. It gives you the space you need to feel the full impact of that beautiful water, the crashing of the waves. If I were not so terrified of hurricanes I believe I could live by the ocean and be quite content. So, we shall see if we can work in a trip to the ocean; if not then I think I would like to take a trip to Lake Erie. It’s a long way from the ocean but it is pretty.

We are reading (audio CD’s) the Harry Potter books again and we are enjoying them very much. This is after listening to The Lord of the Rings again. We purchased the audio CD for The Hobbit as well. I am so happy that Don is into these books with me. It means I can have my fill of them (not that I think I will ever have my fill) with no guilt. There seem to be many things we enjoy doing together, a good thing I say, since we are committed to the relationship at this point.

Well I suppose I have rattled on long enough. There is nothing else for me to do today but read, play on the computer or listen to music. Maybe I’ll just sit here in the sunshine for a while longer and listen to the robin sing and dream about spring…

There is always hope.

Calmer Tomorrow

2013-02-11T13:42:00.000-05:00

It feels as if I have waited years (and perhaps I have) for the faintest inspiration to write something, anything. The words would not come. I cannot tell you how many hours I sat here staring at a blank screen. I am not saying that I am suddenly overrun with ideas and words, only that for today at least, it feels as it should, as it used to.

I had wondered if I had written it all out, my story; and if I had how sad that would be to have all one’s life put into words with no possible chance of new happenings in the future. That is what it felt like, as if anything that might happen in the future would be of so little consequence as to not merit even the passing thought of being chronicled. It was a dismal feeling to be sure and a sad thing to think that in so short a time I could have written out my past: truly, there has to be more to me than that.

What do I see in the time yet to come in my life that will merit taking the time to write about it? I see life. I am a survivor; I even have a bracelet that says as much. I will continue as I have been with a positive outlook and the expectation that my encounters with people (both old friends and new acquaintances) will be filled with joy. If there is one aspect of living that is missing in my life I would say it is contact with other people and yet I really have no idea what to do to change it or if I need to change it at all. You see, I am quite content living just as I have been. I feel no real need to change the way I live, I love it when I encounter other people and I have no problems talking to them and yet I love my life at home, quiet as it is. I think to continue as I have been is quite the right thing to do.

Life is good. We are making plans for a couple of road trips in March; Don is thinking of doing a couple of runs out of state. Day by day the calendar ticks of the days of winter; soon we will have milder days more often. Today the wind howls, tomorrow it should be calmer…

There is always hope.

A Perfect Day For Walking

2013-02-10T15:37:00.004-05:00

Biking, hiking, running or walking it’s the perfect day for them all; 43degrees feels wonderful! Good for me, I actually got out there and walked 2 miles today. Now if I could just make a habit of doing that I would be sitting pretty.

I remember when walking was compulsory for me. I had to do it, it just didn’t feel right to skip a day or even cut a walk short. I can tell you that it’s much easier to get out of the habit than to get in to it. While I’m at it (getting out of old habits) I will have to insist that I give up the candy. Just because I received 18 boxes for my birthday does not mean I have to eat them all right away. I think I have been working on the premise that it is better to have it all gone quickly, not I think a very wise approach.

By the way, my appointment with Dr Kahn went just about the way I thought it would. He did examine me and ask when my next mammogram is. I am so fortunate. I am sure that not very many people have a cancer encounter and come out the other side unscathed as I have. I do count my blessings. Seeing three doctors every six months seems a fairly small price to pay.

Well, we shall see what happens with the walking thing. It will be difficult to get in walks next weekend, my mother-in-law is having hip replacement surgery and we will be in Youngstown to be with her, I think that she is very brave to be having the surgery and I hope she comes through it like a champ. That little hitch in the walking works will be the only real excuse I will have not to do it. As I say, we shall see…

There is always hope.

Doing Nothing

2013-02-05T20:38:00.001-05:00

I can do nothing better than just about anyone you want to think of; it's what I do most of the time. I can stretch laundry day out into a three or four day event. When I clean house my to do list has one room per day on it - I'm only talking about sweeping and dusting or ordinary cleaning in the bathroom and kitchen. I am trying to decide if this habit is due to sheer laziness or boredom; it's a tossup really. The fact is that I enjoy a nice clean, orderly home and I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to keep it that way, I guess I just don't want to exert too much energy at one time and wear myself out.

I believe that most of my lethargy can be attributed to winter doldrums, though I do think that there is still a lingering tiredness left over from the radiation therapy. Still, it’s a little difficult to justify doing nothing for any period of time; sooner or later you have to get up and do something or else go batty. Well, there are people who would argue that I have always been batty, no news flash there.

Over the last few years I have been active on Face Book. I enjoy seeing what friends and family are up to, though I rarely post myself. Much like here, there isn’t much that happens on a daily basis that would be worthy of a post. I do post, just not very often. I just thought I’d throw that little tid-bit in there for the fun of it, a general interest thing. With that I think I’ll call this post finished.

There is always hope.

Winter Dreariness and Doctors

2013-02-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

Strange, the way time moves sometimes. The days have all sort of run together into an endless cycle of cold wakefulness and sleeping. I haven’t been warm in months it seems, though I am properly dressed for the cold.

We have been keeping busy with movies; we have been to see The Hobbit eight times and we have been watching a lot of DVD’s and television. Apparently this is our answer to winter dreariness. The never ending battle to be warm seldom sees a victory. And of course we have challenged ourselves to a diet at a time when instinct says to eat and don’t stop. Don is doing very well with his running; I am a dismal failure at walking. I really do need to motivate myself (as always).

I wonder what’s in store for me when I go to see Dr Kahn next week. He is my medical oncologist; I have to say that if all he does is ask me how I am doing and then tells me to come back in six months, I will be a little put out. If that’s all there is to it, we could do that by phone or by mail and save us both the time and bother. After all, it is very difficult to get an appointment to see him; why take up precious time with something that could be handled in a time saving manor? Oh well, it probably will go just the way I suspect and really the reason I am a little out of sorts about it is because I know there is no new cancer to worry about. I am having none of that! The whole thing with seeing all three of my doctors for cancer check-ups just makes me squirm. It feels like I am asking for something to be there by checking all of the time. Ah well, enough of that.

There really isn’t anything else to cover at the moment so I’ll go for now.

There is always hope.

My Radiation Therapy

2012-10-20T12:32:00.001-04:00

Twenty-two radiation treatments down, eleven to go; if I weren't so tired all of the time I would hardly know anything different was happening to me. I have a little soreness in the crease under my breast and the entire breast and underarm area is pinkish red, but it doesn't hurt. After all my fretting and fears about what was going to happen to me, I feel a little silly now. I didn't find www.beyondtheshock.com until just a few days before my treatments began and I was really very afraid of radiation therapy. Thank goodness for Beyond The Shock because with the information I gleaned from there I was able to begin therapy with some semblance of dignity.

In my case I have to tell you that from the beginning I have felt that no matter what I go through I do not have the right to complain or make a fuss. My case is next to nothing, I have suffered not at all compared to other people with cancer. People who have to endure chemo and other medications and then when they have suffered everything that came down the pike, they have to tolerate weeks of radiation therapy. Those people have the right to complain; the people who endure all of that and know they are going to die anyway, those people have the right to voice their displeasure, not me. I have suffered not at all.

The simple truth is, I am tired. Nothing to be done about it, nothing else to be said, it is a fact.

Don has been a rock through this mess. He drives me to the cancer center each day and waits patiently for me to be done, we come home and he runs and then goes the cross country practice and does it all over again the next day. I don't know how he does it with such a positive attitude but he does. I try not to cause any other complications in his life; he has enough to do and then some.

I have not been walking as much as I should. I know I sound like a broken record here but there you have it, the truth. As always I keep telling myself that I will get to it and make a better job of it next week…

There is always hope.

I Am Worried

2012-09-11T16:19:00.001-04:00

What a beautiful day it is. The conditions are perfect for just about anything a person might want to do. I walked 3.3 miles today, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the just right temperature of about 68 degrees. Our neighbor is harvesting corn, as I write this I listen to the thrum of the machine making its way through the field next to our house.

I have discovered a new source of information concerning breast cancer; it is www.beyondtheshock.com a place dedicated to answering the questions and concerns of breast cancer patients and their family and friends. The sight is sponsored by the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc with the support of medical experts, doctors and researchers. You can ask any questions you have concerning breast cancer and or its treatment, or you can read questions and answers posted by others. It really is a great source of information. I asked a question and received responses from other breast cancer patients who have gone through the same process; it was very informative and comforting.

I will be so glad when tomorrow gets here. I am so stressed about the radiation schedule; what if it conflicts with Don's schedule? Obviously if it does then I just won't have the therapy until November. It's bad enough that I'm going to be putting him through this 5 days a week for 5 weeks, I will not cause him any more inconvenience and that is a promise. I know I am worrying about something that may not even be an issue but I can't help it. All I can do is hope…

There is always hope.

I Wonder About Radiation Therapy

2012-09-08T17:40:00.001-04:00

I met my medical oncologist the other day; I like him. He is passing me on to the radiation oncologist for the radiation therapy part of my treatment. Five days a week for 5 weeks, that sounds pretty intense to me. I hate to sound like a big baby but I am afraid. I know too well what sunburn feels like and I cannot go out without a bra and those are the least of my fears. I will see my medical oncologist again in 6 weeks. Radiation therapy will not begin for another week or two.

The lasagna dinner for the kids came off nicely. They all said it was good and they seemed to enjoy themselves. They watched Brother Where Art Thou, I know, they never cease to amaze. You just don't know what they are likely to choose.

I am very excited about Lee Child's new Reacher book coming out next Tuesday. It sure is starting off on the right track, I read the first few chapters on line and I am hooked. I probably won't buy the book until Wednesday, I have a doctor appointment then and I can't see using the extra gas to make the trip just to have the book one day sooner (though I would love to).

So, on Wednesday I will find out precisely when radiation therapy begins and I hope – get a few answers to some of my concerns…

There is always hope.

A Clean House

2012-08-28T20:57:00.001-04:00

Ah, the satisfaction of a clean house. It looks good, it smells good and it feels good. We are having the cross country team over for lasagna on Thursday evening and I needed to spiff the place up a bit. And now I am clean too, I just got out of the shower, so now I can settle in and write up the shopping list for tomorrow. Don is at a cross country meet this evening so while I was cleaning I put some Rod Stewart on the CD player while I worked. Don really doesn't like him but he bought me all the Great American Song Book albums, what a sweet man I have.

I took a Percocet a little while ago; I'm having some pretty severe breast pain. I think the vacuuming caused it, makes sense really, it's the right breast that has cancer and has had the surgery and of course I am right handed. Its ok, the pill is kicking in. In the end it's all worth it, doing this for Don, having the kids over that is. He does so much for me and I know he wanted so much to have them over but he wouldn't ask me after just having surgery. It was my idea; I figure it's best to have them over now because if I have to have radiation therapy we don't know how I'll react to it. Best to do it now. What an amazing man my husband is. Do you know that he comes in with me at the surgeons? I hope he will come in with me at the oncologists too. I am such a lucky woman to have him.

Thanks to Don I am getting my walks in, though I do not plan to walk on Thursday. I don't seem to have much energy for a walk when we leave home but when I finish my walk I feel much better for having done it. Who knows, maybe I'll get some energy back now that I'm walking gain…

There is always hope.