The Lonely Spot

Happy Birthday to Me

2012-01-28T13:19:00.001-05:00

Today is my 53^rd birthday. Of all the things a person could say about turning 53, and I am sure there are many, I seem to be able to think of only one. Another year older: not in a negative way, I am proud of my age and I do not believe I will ever be one of those people that lie about their age. No, I'm just another year older.

I seem to be in a bit of a rut and I have been here for a while now. I am having the devils own time motivating myself to do anything. The only thing I get done with efficiency is nothing; I am quite good at that. You might think that if it bothers me so much I would find the gumption to do something about it, because it really does bother me quite a lot, doing nothing. Oh I do the bare bones minimum to keep the house in running order; laundry, the occasional dusting and sweeping, things like that but that's about it. I don't even use all of this time I have pursuing my favorite things like reading and music and walking. I skate by doing only what I have to do. It really does distress me.

Something else that has been on my mind is smoking. It has been years since I smoked but I sometimes find myself wanting to smoke. I don't believe I would smoke if someone handed me a cigarette, all the stench and mess you know, but for some reason I have the urge to smoke. Oh well, smoking is not something I will take up again, I just find it curious that I have the urge to do it once in a while.

And there you have it, the two most prominent thoughts on my birthday. We are going out a little later to Red Lobster and some shopping that should fill out the day nicely. I woke up to snow and now it is very windy, there has been worse weather on my birthday. Who is to say? Maybe I will find some motivation soon and that will make me very happy.

There is always hope.

I Am A Coward

2011-09-12T17:56:00.001-04:00

I am a coward. Mommy is gone and the thought of going to her funeral is making me physically ill. I don't want to see her laid out in a casket and hear people commenting about how good she looks and how long she suffered and that she's in a better place now. I don't want to watch my brothers and my sister helplessly mourn her passing. I am a coward and will be no help in consoling them. Each tear shed, each choking sob released by a sibling will tear at my heart as I try desperately to contain my own grief to the emotional island I will have to build if I am to survive this.

Knowing that I am not alone in not wanting to attend the funeral of a loved one is no comfort. No one wants to face these things I think. I know most people need the closure of a funeral and burial, I do not. Don's family has a tradition of no funeral and no service when they pass on, that is my wish as well.

The last time I saw my mother she gave me a few tokens to remember her by, it was a very emotional goodbye that day. The last time I talked to my mother I told her how much I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. I will never forget her voice, the sound of her breathing, the way she walked, the way she moved her hands or the way she used to let me stay up late with her because she knew I would not sleep if she sent me to bed. I'll never forget a million other things about her either, every one of them a vivid memory.

Do mothers understand how blessed they are to have the loyal love of a child?

There is always hope.

My Mother Passed Away

2011-09-10T13:50:00.001-04:00

Mommy passed away yesterday morning. She had been sick for a very long time; that does not ease the pain of losing her Her funeral was preplanned so the only thing that needs to be established are the viewing hours and the grave side service time.

I have written of my mother here many times, she had a hard life. No matter how hard I tried we never had a close relationship. There was…is a tie there that cannot be broken even, I think, in death. Surely there must be some part of the woman who gave me life attached to me still. How could there not be? I struggle to come to grips with the fact that she is gone and to the very depths of my being I feel an almost physical denial. No! It cannot be! Then my waking mind tells me yes, it is so. I remind myself that we were not overly close and then I chastise myself for thinking such a thing at a time like this for there are no degrees of death. I have known for quite a few years now, long before Daddy passed, that I would never be so old that I would not need my parents. I suppose that knowledge did give me the foresight to appreciate them a little more. Mommy had a hard life but as Don said, she is in a better place now.

I really have no idea if this post is readable or not, I only needed to put pen to paper for a moment or two and it has I think, helped a bit.

There is always hope.

Round and Round My Mind It Goes

2011-08-24T19:57:00.001-04:00

Where do some of the things that come into my head come from? I realize that while some of my thoughts and ideas may be new, perhaps even profound to me; they are hardly unique. I read somewhere once that every idea we have, every question and every answer has been thought of before…many times before. The thing that makes the thought uniquely ours is the way we approach it. For example: I suppose the idea that my ideas are not unique have simmered and stewed in my mind for years on end (it was quite some time ago that I read it) and every time it floated forward in my mind it has caused me to become a little befuddled, to say the least. On second thought, I won't bore you with examples.

As usual and thankfully, there isn't much happening in my little patch of the world. I simply cannot remember the last time I blogged and if I said anything about our trips to Colorado and North Dakota. That was in mid and late spring. Don got in his 47^th and 48^th states on his quest for the 50 States Club finishers. Though the trips were short, we managed to enjoy the experience. Other than those trips I have spent most of the summer hanging out here at the house, mixing hummingbird food. Those hummers have been hungry this year! Good, good news there is nothing broken on me, I have not been sick and I am feeling fine. I don't suppose that is a real news flash these days. It has been a couple of years since my bad luck streak ran out. Still, that was such a horrendous I can't help but stop and take stock once in a while. We did go to a couple of picnics and we went to Cleveland to visit a dear friend there twice. Now cross country has started again and Don will be busy with that until November.

Tomorrow…tomorrow I will achieve something important! What, you may ask, is an important achievement for me? Maybe I'll clean the bathroom. It's a bit too soon to do laundry, I don't yet have two baskets full and I hate to wash small loads. Perhaps I'll sit down here and write something brilliant that has been thought of many times before by who can say how many other people but I will say it in such a beautiful persuasive way that someone else will want to read it. Perhaps :D

There is always hope.

The Impetus I Need

2011-06-26T15:45:00.001-04:00

One of these days I'm going to find the motivation to get something done. I am embarrassed to reveal the schedule I keep, but who knows, putting it out there may be the impetus I need to get moving. Don't worry; my current average day will not take long to read.

My day usually begins somewhere between 7:00 and 8:00 o'clock in the morning, though it is not unheard of to be up as early as 5:00 or sleep as late as 9:30. Most days I make the bed as I climb out of it. Then it's first things first, meds and coffee with Don (he is nearly always up before me) in the den and then breakfast. Now the most productive part of my day is done. Once in a while I will use the computer first thing in the morning, even with this modern marvel I don't accomplish much, I check email and weather and play cards. I used to go on to Facebook everyday but even that interest has waned. As for the rest of my day, I can only tell you that occasionally I pick up a dust cloth, and sweep, once a week or so I do the laundry and oh yes, I cook our meals. There you have it, that's what I do. OH! I forgot something very important. I walk most days of the week and I enjoy it.

I am not willing to say we live in a pigsty; though Don said so once to someone who was commenting on our clean house (I have a long memory dear and you live here too), you won't find dust an inch thick or 1 – 4 days dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen but you may find that the floor should be swept and the furniture could use a good dusting. Odds are good that the kitchen table will be covered with paper. I promise you will find the bathroom in good shape and the dusting and sweeping can be done in a trice. If only I could find the motivation to do it.

There is always hope.

Goodness It Was Cold

2011-01-24T09:26:00.001-05:00

If anyone had told me that I would willingly go outside and walk for an hour in 15 degree weather, I would have laughed and said no way. Well, way; that's just what I did yesterday. My top half was warm enough in three layers but my bottom half was chilled to the bone, I only wore a single layer there. At least my feet were warm; I guess wool socks are good for more than preventing blisters.

The plan for today is to put in 3 to 4 miles depending on my pace and time. It is supposed to be warmer today, about 27 degrees, I'll take that.

I have been wondering about relationships lately. Husband/wife, friends, siblings and even parents it seems to me that when you set aside the ideal and hard worked for attainable goal of unconditional acceptance and peer into the depths of what is left, you will either find the glowing ambers of the loftier love or the rusty foundation of a disintegrating wall. The cause of the disintegration is, I believe, hate; born of jealousy or resentment or any of a number of things but it grows slowly and it festers until it finds a way to release some of the toxic sludge through a raised fist, a fowl word, a venomous look or some other vent. I have noted that in relationships where hate creeps in that the appearance of a solid, loving relationship (to the world) is very important. However, the astute observer may discover this lie by listening because in a love/hate relationship the hater cannot resist throwing out the occasional barb, almost as if it irks them for their partner to be too well liked. I have seen this in all sorts of relationships and have been on the receiving end myself, maybe I've been thinking about it because I'm cooped up with nothing much to do but think.

So…I am looking forward to walking later, it gives me other things to think about.

There is always hope.

A Wet Walk

2011-01-21T17:31:00.001-05:00

I walked 4 miles yesterday. The sun did not come out to play, in fact it snowed the entire time I was out there and I was pretty much soaked through by the time I finished. My Yaktrax (correct sp) did a fine job in the snow and ice, though I have to admit that screwed shoes work just as well. I did walk on Wednesday, 2.3 miles; there was a time when that sounded like a long distance to me. Now I have to walk over 5 miles to impress myself.

I saw a dear friend today. I haven't seen her since before Christmas and I have been missing her badly. She is a good listener and an excellent conversationalist, we didn't get to visit for long but we made the most of our time together. There was a lot of catching up to do, she, poor dear, is recovering from a broken shoulder and I, having experience in that area told her she was doing very well. It's funny really how one can be friends with another for years, as we have, and I do not know how old she is. I would venture a guess of somewhere in her mid to late sixties. At any rate, it was wonderful to see her and we both agreed it should not be so long between our next visits.

There really isn't much more to say about what's going on in my life at the moment. I am going to try and distract myself so that the cabin fever that has set in entirely too early doesn't get me too far down. Strange, talking with my friend today there was no end to the things I wanted to say. I'll try to do better next time.

There is always hope.

I Need Motivation

2011-01-19T13:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Sun, please come back to Ohio and brighten up my life. It's one of those days, you know, cloudy cold and icy; the kind of day that can bring you down even if you are lucky enough not to suffer with SAD during the long cold months of winter. I just looked at the extended weather report. Big mistake, more of the same through the entire forecast period, cloudy, cold and snow; boy oh boy am I in trouble it's a little early to have cabin fever.

Putting all of that gloomy stuff aside and looking forward through rose colored glasses (figuratively speaking) I have been thinking about my birthday that is coming up next Friday. Fifty-two, that's how old I will be. A nice round number that, to match a nice round woman LOL. This fifty something thing hasn't bothered me yet and I hope it doesn't.

I have taken off more days from walking than I should so far this month. Don screwed a pair of shoes for me so I can be more confident walking outside in the snow and ice. I bought myself a pair of Yaktraks (sp?), why I don't know, the screwed shoes are working out nicely. I believe it must be the weather, the reason that I can't seem to stay motivated to walk every day. The Garmin I received for Christmas has only been used a few times. But wait! I just remembered why I took at least 5 days off, I was sick with a terrible sinus thing that went to my chest (Don was sick at the same time with the same thing) and I couldn't stop sniffling and blowing my nose and coughing long enough to breathe let alone try to go for a walk. Don didn't run either. Well, that explains 5 days but it does not cover the others like yesterday, I just could not make myself get off of the couch and do it. The weather is no good excuse as I have a perfectly good (if somewhat noisy) treadmill. So here I am today, determined to walk but open to the smallest excuse not to. You know, my left pinkie hurts, maybe I need just one more day off or not. I think not, I hope I will walk today.

There is always hope.

You Have to Breathe to Walk

2011-01-08T14:00:00.001-05:00

I am a few days late in posting my very short summary of 2010; it was a mostly quiet year with no health problems and no financial crisis, which I suppose really made it a very good year, and my goals for 2011. Partially because aside from walking, I really have not set any other goals, I am not a goal oriented person.

The biggest reason I haven't posted is because I have been down with the flu or a cold or a bug of some kind since last Monday. To make matters worse, I can get no sympathy from Don because he has it too. All we do is cough and blow our poor sore noses and moan. We communicate with each other in those moans; God, I can't take anymore, me either, oh no here comes a coughing fit, damn I have to blow my nose again, I can't believe I have to get up off this couch and go to the bathroom. Yes, lots of messages in those moans. We must be getting better, we are bored out of our minds but too weak to do anything but watch TV or sit at the computer.

So, I got a Garmin for Christmas and have only used it 2 times. It is sitting on my desk charged and waiting to go for a walk and I can barely walk from the kitchen to the den. I also got a walk in a box from JB, it had walking shoes and pants and wool socks and Gel Blasts and a cool music CD with walking tempo music and earmuffs with headphones built in. Now I just have to be able to breathe and then I can get back to doing the thing that I enjoy most.

That's enough for today, I think. It's time for a nap.

There is always hope.

Just Catching Up

2010-12-10T20:17:00.001-05:00

The house is decorated for Christmas, the Christmas cards are addressed and ready to mail as soon as we put together the annual newsletter; and the shopping is done. The only other things left to do are baking cookies, wait for two packages to arrive and wrap the gifts. Not bad. I do believe I am ahead of the game this year.

Since last I posted; I have really cranked up the distance in my walking. My first big accomplishment was walking 5 miles. I was very proud of that, I still am. However, my proudest day came when I walked 8.5 miles. Not that I walk the longer distances every day, I don't. But I try to get in as many long walks as I can in a week. As long as my feet are OK I am OK to walk and the secret to happy feet for me is wool socks. I don't get blisters when I wear wool socks and good shoes.

Who can say, maybe my next milestone will be a 10 mile walk. I would really like that.

There is always hope.

This and That

2010-11-05T19:41:00.001-04:00

I talked to a friend today about the high cost of my prescriptions. I told her that I am considering tapering off and quitting all of my prescriptions. She understands the temptation though she did not encourage me to do it. I know that I am far from being alone when it comes to this financial struggle. The cost of medicine just keeps going up and the amount of my co-pay keeps getting higher as the list of drugs approved on the formulary continues to shrink. Who can say what new charges will be added to the cost of my prescriptions in the new year? I was shocked when I saw the Benefit Tax added to the bill when I paid for new glasses a few months ago. Benefit Tax? PLEASE! Will there be a Wellness Tax levied against my prescriptions in 2011?

It snowed today; flurries really, it was the first snow I have seen this season.

I devoured Lee Child's latest book, Worth Dying For, it was packed with Reacher action. I highly recommend this book to anyone who likes a good thriller.

It looks like we will be going to JB's for Thanksgiving. We were in Boardman last weekend and we made the decision before we came home that we would be back for the holiday. It should be fun, JB does things right.

I'll let you know tomorrow if my plan works out, I hope to walk 4 miles in the morning. I really enjoy my longer walks. I lose myself in my music and go. As I said, I'll let you know.

There is always hope.

Walking With Blisters

2010-11-04T02:21:00.001-04:00

Every time I sit down and try to compose a blog post, I draw a blank. Try as I may I can think of nothing to say. The words are just not there, the rhythm and the flow that make writing enjoyable. I have decided to put all of that aside and try to trundle on with nothing more for inspiration than my desire to create.

I walked 4 miles on the Kokosing Gap Trail yesterday. It was a perfect day for walking, the sun was shining and the temperature, though cool, was warm enough to keep me outside and moving. I broke no land speed records with my 23 min. miles but I met my goal of 4 miles and I am happy with myself. Given the time, most days I can walk anywhere from 3-5 miles with blisters on my feet being the only hindrance. I have discovered that wool socks minimize the chances of getting blisters and I am hooked them and no longer interested in any other sock. Time to order new socks mine are thread bear and giving me blisters. The only thing I know to do about blisters is to use alcohol to dry them out and tape them over with moleskin to prevent further irritation.

November. I'm not ready for it to be November. In the natural flow of things November is the beginning of the end of the year. My internal clock is still set somewhere in August. No, I am definitely not ready for November.

And there you have it. A post, albeit a little scatterbrained but a post nonetheless. Now I believe I will go douse my blisters with alcohol and then I will call it a night. I want to get in another 4 miles in the morning.

There is always hope.

Living the Dream

2010-03-04T15:45:00.001-05:00

"Living the dream, each and every day," said a man in the next isle over at the home improvement store. Hmm, I thought; living the dream. A popular phrase right now, everyone wants to live the dream. And why not? We certainly work hard enough for it, sacrifice for it; we will put almost anything on the line for the sake of the dream. Just what is this dream that every wants to live? Could be something we hope for, something ambitious and difficult to attain; perhaps it is nothing more than an idle hope that is unlikely ever to be realized, it could be something beautiful…a place or thing that we desire because it is beautiful. It could also be a person, a special someone that brings joy and hope.

What about my dream, I wondered? Do I have one, am I living my dream? Yes and yes. My dream begins with Don because that is where I begin, there can be no Betty without Don. Now I have the foundation for my dream and I can begin to build upon it. I want to express my feelings with words, I want to write and I do. I want to live in the country far away from the fumes and noise and the scary crime in the city, I do. I want peace and solitude and the luxury of knowing that we own the eight acres that our home sits on, we do. I want a home I can be proud of that is comfortable and safe, I have it. If I put these things all together I have my dream and I am living it, every single day. You can't ask for much more than that.

What about the other dreams? Peace on Earth, a fast economic recovery, jobs for the jobless, affordable healthcare for everyone the list goes on for a very long time. I think about those things daily, our service men and women, the wars we are fighting and every day I say a prayer for all the people I cannot help. I suppose that would be the ultimate dream, being able to fix those problems or at least give support where needed. Only the elected few have that kind of power, the ability to say that they are living that dream.

There is always hope.

The Walk is In The Music

2010-02-09T12:51:00.001-05:00

I am determined to get something done today. I say that every day and seldom accomplish more than my walk and cooking dinner. Today I will try a different approach; I will try to do a job before I walk. It will be a job that needs doing (no problem finding those) and one I can finish in a fairly short time period. There is no end to how lazy and pathetic it all sounds but the truth is I am as unmotivated as a person can get. Drat this cabin fever!

It is snowing again, Haley is happy, no school today. The forecast of 6-10" changed to 8-15" of new snow by tomorrow. That means I will be walking on my treadmill for quite a few days. The Park doesn't do a very good job of cleaning the roads these days, they stay icy, and snow covered until mother-nature helps out with thawing what the plows missed.

Enough of that. When I have the luxury of walking outside, I listen to music. My favorite companions lately have been The Great Lake Swimmers (they are fabulous), Glenn Miller, Percy Faith & His Orchestra and Medwyn Goodall. I have learned the hard way that when walking it really is all in the music. The mellow, peaceful music that I enjoy most is not to be tolerated when walking; it slows my pace and time stretches to eternity. In short, relaxing music turns walking into a punishment. I was very disappointed when I discovered this as I seem always to be searching for a clam center and music helps me find it. It has taken a while to wrap my mind around the thought that walking for exercise is not an exercise in meditation. I think I've got it now.

I feel obligated to state that I am so very thankful to God for my very small inconveniences and annoyances. These are troubled times and millions suffer here and abroad. Cabin fever breaks come spring and a healthy walk can be accomplished with a few clicks and changing the music. Snow melts and we really have no where we have to go. I am blessed.

There is always hope.

Frustrations of Winter

2010-02-08T12:47:00.002-05:00

Cabin fever, that's what I have. The knowledge that hundreds of thousands if not millions of other people are suffering from the affliction does not relieve the distress. I am so tired of being cold, even in the house, and being restricted in where and when I can walk outside that I am near to pulling my hair out. If cabin fever were the biggest problem the world had to face, it would indeed be a wonderful world.

Putting the frustrations of cabin fever aside, this last 12" of snow was beautiful to look at. We are looking at a real marsh mallow world. On the realistic side, the roads when we went out yesterday were not quite as cleared as they should have been. This leads me to wonder what they will be like when we get the next 6-10" tomorrow.

If my frustrations were manifesting as energy I could be spending a very productive winter giving the house a good cleaning. Instead, I feel tired and sleepy most of the time. It is a huge chore to cook and do my walk every day; after that, I have just enough energy to shower and become a lump on the sofa. The house is a dusty mess and laundry is never done. I do vow it's enough to depress a person if one had the energy to be depressed.

As for today, the sun is shining, it is a balmy 22 F and I am thinking about walking outside. Of course, there is always the treadmill. It doesn't matter where I do it as long as I walk for 1 hour every day.

There is always hope.

If I Could Let You See

2009-08-13T22:57:00.003-04:00

I have been trying for months to write a post worthy of being published, this evening I gave up the notion that my post has to be worthy of anything. It simply has to express my thoughts and feelings.

If I could open my mind and let you see things as I do, hear as I hear and feel as I feel you might understand why I have not been able to post for such a long time. The beauty is still there to be seen but I do not seem to be able to find the words to describe what I see. The birds still sing and music still plays but the sound is just a little bit flat and that takes away some of the enjoyment for me. I often feel anxious and confused; I will be doing something and have to stop because I forget what comes next. It can be very simple tasks like putting together the ingredients for a sandwich or emptying the dishwasher; I simply cannot remember what I need to do next. Put them all together and jumble them up and there you have my mind these days.

A dear friend of mine is going through some rough patches of his own lately and he is the reason I decided to give posting another go. No matter how jumbled, anxious, and confused I am I do always remember that my problems are small and inconsequential compared to others.

Three weeks ago, I had surgery on my right shoulder. It went well and is healing nicely, I am doing my rehab myself for this shoulder and it seems to be working fine. I am much more comfortable doing the rehab at home.

There is always hope.

At Last

2009-06-01T18:06:00.002-04:00

I have finished reading Nothing To Lose by Lee Child; hard to believe it took nearly a year for me to actually begin reading it. I purchased it the first week it hit the book store shelves last year. I haven't been reading anything longer than a prescription bottle label, being out of practice , it took a while to get through the book. Now that I have I can safely say it is my least favorite of the series. Perhaps it's just me but I thought Reacher was acting very un-Reacher like. At any rate the book has been read and I can park it on the shelf reserved strictly for Lee Child and Reacher and move on.

May 19, found me in my local book store so eager to lay my eyes and hands on the newest offering from Lee Child, Gone Tomorrow, that I passed it right up. I felt pretty silly when I realized I had rushed past a display of the book that was taller than me and I had to laugh at myself. So far my excitement has been well founded; this time Reacher is acting very Reacher like and all is well. I have only read to chapter 19 but so far it has my full attention :-)

There isn't much more that is worthy grist for the word mill so I believe I will say farewell for now.

There is always hope.

Spring Needs No Help From Us

2009-05-02T11:34:00.004-04:00

There is something to be said for a fine spring day, when the air is rich with the scent of sunshine, green and growing things, the heavy musk of yesterdays rain and today’s freshly mown grass. All of those things combined with the busy chatter of birds, the industrious hum of bees and the scampering play rabbits and chipmunks can only mean that while we humans were bemoaning the late spring, spring got off on its own without any help from us. Such is the natural way of things and my delight when I find myself caught up in meandering reflection, and wondering how a thing as important as spring could sneak up on me. Then of course, I realize it wasn’t sneaking at all, I was simply distracted and did not see what was taking place before my very eyes. Yes, there is something to be said for a fine spring day when the sun warms my winter chilled bones, the word is bliss.

Thank goodness that I noticed that spring has arrived and thank goodness, I can at last breathe freely. I thought I would never be able to draw a free breath of air again. I cannot recall ever having gone that long struggling for every breath. That is behind me now and I am free to begin enjoying my camera.

Don and I are going to work out on the porch today, taking down panels we use to close it in for the winter and cleaning it up. We purchased a couple of rocking chairs for use out there and I can’t wait to start rocking away.

Thanks for taking the time to check in and see how I am doing.

There is always hope.

Spring, Pictures and an Update

2009-04-08T17:03:00.003-04:00

I am wondering if we will have spring this year. I cannot remember where I was but a couple of ladies were wondering that very thing, one said we never get spring in Ohio, we move directly from winter to summer. I am reasonably sure we have at least a day or two of mild spring weather before the heat of summer moves in. In this part of the state, the real heat generally moves in on Father’s Day weekend.

You may be pleased to hear that I have decided there will be no more political blog posts here unless I absolutely cannot contain myself (I hope that does not happen) I am not comfortable talking about politics.

One of my Christmas gifts was a camera, it is my hope that it will warm up enough sometime soon for me to hide away outside and get some nature shots. I can post them here if I get lucky! I want the groundhog (as big as cow it is this year) and the rabbits and birds and deer if I can get a good photo of them. Half the fun is the anticipation; I’ll be sure and let you know how it went.

A brief update on pneumonia and shoulder pain; I am not sure the antibiotic killed the pneumonia bug, I am still rattling and wheezing with every breath, as for my shoulder I have a bone spur and fluid in the joint. The choice is mine to make, live with the pain or have surgery to remove the spur and possibly part of the small joint to which it is attached. I have decided that in the realm of pain, there are brave people who can look pain in the eye and tough it out and beat it (or at least stay on a level field with it) and then there are people like me who see pain and flinch at the thought of it. I can only describe the emotional side of moderate to severe pain for me as drowning. Pain hits and in my mind I hear the white roar of a large waterfall and I am trapped at the bottom of the falls trying to catch a breath while my body is battered against the rocks. Pain is cold for me, freezing cold and blindingly harsh. I know all about relaxation techniques and other methods used to help minimize pain, sadly, when confronted with the real thing my mind develops amnesia.

Thanks for visiting.

There is always hope.

I Am Doing Well Enough

2009-03-31T01:06:00.002-04:00

It has been so long since I posted here I hardly know how to begin. Perhaps this brief offering will serve to jump start my mind and I can try again to post on a regular basis. Blogging was something I really enjoyed and you cannot beat the price of this hobby.

How am I doing? I have injured my right shoulder, only Heaven can say how, and I have pneumonia. Not long ago those two things in addition to everything else that has happened would have beat me to a bloody pulp and thrown in a corner to lick my wounds. I am happy to report that even though I am facing these new challenges I am handling them well enough and I have to pat myself on the back.

I purchased two rocking chairs for the porch; I intend to spend my summer (if it ever gets here) rocking to the rhythm of music as I bird watch or read or paint. I believe that would be a divine way to spend a summer.

Not bad for the first post in months and months, perhaps there really is a chance I can get back to it. I promise to try to come back again in a timelier manner. Thank you for taking the time to read.

There is always hope.

Small Progress Is Still Progress

2008-09-11T10:38:00.003-04:00

Were I a bird I would be laying in the bottom my cage, trembling from my efforts to ignore the pain of my broken wing and return to the safety of my perch. It is the best analogy I have at the moment because it is the way I feel, broken and worn down by too many sleepless nights and too much time spent tumbling the known and unknown problems in my mind as if they are worry beads in my hand.

Through all of this, I have been fortunate enough to have my own personal knight in running clothes; Don has been supportive and understanding. Agoraphobia is not something I would wish on anyone. Any progress I have made in defiance of that fear is a credit to Don. He pushes me out the door and makes me leave the house. He always puts me in a situation of either crowds or big spaces. I guess I had to begin somewhere; this is as good as any.

I have not felt like writing; possibly because the medication makes me drowsy or perhaps the worry beads in my mind keep me distracting me. Whatever the reason I hope to return to posting regularly soon, when I get back to writing I will feel like have made huge progress.

There is always hope.

American Conservative Ideology an Archaic Concept

2008-06-28T15:00:00.003-04:00

This may come as a complete shock to those of you who regularly read this blog but I am about as conservative a Midwesterner as you will ever encounter. Yes, I was being facetious and now you know why I never intentionally write humor. The conservative part however is true. I really do not like to blog about politics but it is impossible to ignore the subject. We shouldn’t want to ignore it but I confess I am sick to death of two year political races that have the outcome determined by the press months before I ever have the opportunity to cast a vote and have my say. I realize I am pouring water on cold ashes but even in my current state of mind where very little has the ability to stir an emotion in me this topic comes through clearly.

When my choices on the Republican ticket were narrowed down to one candidate in January, I was beside myself with fury. Even now, I cannot believe that we let the press dictate to us who the candidate would be long before the Primary season got into full swing. But they did, we did and there went the Republican ticket. So I turned to the Democratic ticket in my fury and I thought well, I am going to give Obama a fair chance to convince me that he can do the job. His age is not an issue or his lack of experience if he selects good advisers and is willing to keep on a few key people for the short term. I was open minded and ready to listen. As for Hillary, she was in consideration, her best asset in my eyes is that I know precisely what to expect from her. There will be no surprises and there will be no skeletons jumping from her closets. Then up popped Rev. Write and all of the rest and other than the very inspired speech Obama gave In Philadelphia (which might have been his get out of jail free card if nothing else had happened) and suddenly Obama was removed from my list of feasible candidates. There I was teetering between having to accept McCain and jumping onto his wagon or accepting Hillary and jumping onto her wagon and what happens then? Why the press started driving the point home that there was no way that Hillary could get the nomination it was in fact not only an improbability it was an impossibility.

John McCain is a man of honor, he is a hero and we as Americans are indebted to him and every other man and woman who has ever sacrificed for this country. It is my sincere hope that Obama remember that during this campaign and that he afford McCain the respect that is his due. Speaking of the men and women who put their lives on the line for the rest of us, I believe it would behoove Obama to pay them a visit since it is his intent and that of the press that he be their next Commander in Chief.

Moderation in everything they say; moderate ideology is required politically in this country at this point in time. Conservatives such as me are apparently in the minority and I say our only real hope of survival is moderation. We have to slide just a little closer to the center of the isle. I will never know if I would have actually voted for Hillary when I got into the voting booth but I do know that I am miles from voting for Obama. My vote is too precious a freedom to throw away and I refuse to stay at home in November just because the press has already determined whom our next president will be. You never really know, strange things do happen.

There is always hope.

Yes Betty, There is Hope

2008-06-26T18:35:00.001-04:00

Today I changed to a new internist; actually, I have seen him before, he used to be in with the doctors at the group I just left. The entire mess is too much to deal with, the headaches and high blood pressure and asthma and on and on and I take more prescribed drugs in one day than any self respecting junkie would take in a year. Golly, I wonder why I could be depressed. I am glad I changed doctors; this one recognized the symptoms of depression as soon as I mentioned six weeks ago or so I had hit rock bottom in the black abyss of despair. No dummy, this doctor, we shall see if his version of the happy pill works. I wouldn’t mind floating around like a happy little cloud, smiling and humming and bouncing all day. I vaguely remember doing that once without anything more than my love for God and all He created.

As for yesterday, I went to Cleveland Clinic and discovered that the MRA shows something (well I take that as a good sign, I was beginning to wonder if I had lost a few marbles) and of course since there is something they would like to do another High Contrast MRI of the base of the skull with contrast dye in order to get a better look and verify what the MRA saw. So… as the Hasher’s say, on on. The translation of all that is; between waiting for approval from the insurance company for the additional MRI, actually scheduling the test, and then scheduling the Dr.’s appointment, it will be two months until I go back to Cleveland Clinic. In the meantime, all I can do is spend another summer always running away from and never toward the light. You would not believe how good I have become at doing my hair and makeup in the dark. The doctor did confirm my theory; trigeminal neuralgia can indeed trigger a migraine, or the stress caused from pain can. Hello brain, get a clue! Pain + pain does not= relief.

Yikes! I truly am sorry you suffered through reading all of that. Sometimes a person has to vent it off somewhere and since I am too big a coward to try and find solace in any drug not prescribed for me or in alcohol or any other vice that normal people turn to, this is it. When I was a working woman my favorite thing to say when I was at work was, “As soon as I get out of here I am going straight to the bar and downing three margaritas and then I’m going to start drinking”. Everyone I ever worked with probably thought I was an alcoholic but the truth is I have never went to a bar alone in my entire life and any time I ever went with people from work I didn’t drink alcohol because I am such a light weight with the stuff I would not have been able to drive home after even one drink. At any rate, it was saying I was going to down three margaritas that I enjoyed; it made me smile just to say it.

One additional note on depression; did you know that there is a 12-Step Depressed Anonymous Group out there? I stumbled onto the link while doing a little research for something I am considering writing for submission to a regional newspaper. They are international with groups in Israel, Poland, and the United Kingdom and they are of course, here in the US, though they are not established in every state, Ohio, for instance does not have a chapter. I have to admit it the concept fascinates me. Having never had the misfortune (praise God) to be addicted to anything other than cigarettes, I am not really familiar with the 12-Step approach to things but it makes sense to me that depression could be viewed from the addictive point of view because once a person reaches the black bottom of the abyss it takes near super human will power to begin the long journey back to the light. It is much easier to give in to the persuasive, almost seductive pull of the mind numbing, emotionless despair of eternal blackness. In any case, if you are interested, check it out.

Enough of all that for this day, again, I apologize for being less than I am capable of being please understand that I am trying. Perhaps it’s because I am light headed from breathing the rarefied air up here where I am hanging out these days, on God’s shoulders. One promise I have made to myself. I will not change the way I close each post because I know one day I will believe it again.

There is always hope.

TGLBH continues

2008-06-24T00:00:00.003-04:00

I apologize for posting this abbreviated installment of The Great Lady Bug Hunt. It is not as long as I had hoped to post and I am not making excuses, the fact is that I have had two migraines since last I posted here and they have a tendency to stifle the creative process. It is my hope that writing the story will serve as a form of happy therapy and help to get me over the last of the depression, time will tell.

I am certain the entire story will see many revisions before I am satisfied with it, though it had been my hope not to post anything until I was sure it would hold water. This installment has I think, a few leaks but it is all that I produced last week and I feel obligated to post something. Perhaps next week will be better. Without further ado…

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Before Boomer had a chance to say anything, his Uncle Bill’s head popped through the car door and he reached down, pulling Oscar off his chest. “Sorry about that,” he said to Boomer.

“It’s okay,” Boomer, grinned. He shot out of the car like a rocket (that is how he got his name you know, he runs so fast he’s like a sonic boom) grabbing his cousins sticky fingers as he went and they tore around the side of the garage. This was what he had waited almost a whole year for, Aunt Hattie’s garden! That is to say, a bird house that hangs in Aunt Hattie’s garden. He could hear his great Aunt Hattie and Aunt Amy at the front of the house exclaiming, “Scott! Jessie! You’re finally here, just when we were beginning to worry.” The further back into the garden they went the louder the chatter from the birds became and the softer the voices of the adults until at last it was only Boomer, Oscar and the friends they had made last year.

The most wonderful thing about Aunt Hattie’s garden is that it is unlike any other garden anywhere else in the world. It is a wild and untamed place with large grassy areas that are mowed and large islands of wild grasses and trees and bushes left there for the birds and animals for food and shelter. There are only a few small flower gardens and even they have been encouraged to go wild to a small degree. One flower garden came to be because a tree fell down and Aunt Hattie could not move the bigger pieces of wood so she made what she calls a stump garden. Now there are plants that happily grow and cling to the fallen wood. Near the back of the proper yard, just outside of the woods in one of the wild areas, there are three large spruce trees and Boomer and Oscar made a beeline for them.

They were both laughing as they ran around to the back side of the trees. They ran up to the one in the middle and disappeared. At least that is what you would have thought if you had been peering out of the woods watching them. They had discovered the secret of the trees last year when they were helping one of their friends, the Great Lady. and you will soon meet her. For now, Boomer and Oscar were glad to be back and they needed to be sure everything was as it should be before they went to visit any of their friends. The first of which would of course be the Great Lady.

Once inside, under the heavy branches of the spruce trees it took a moment for their eyes to adjust to the shadowy light. It was cool and the air was moist, it smelled like Christmas trees and the ground was spongy soft with deep layers of pine needles. They threw themselves down onto the carpet of pine needles drawing in deep breaths of pine scented air and… was that… oh no a skunk! They sat up and crab walked to the tree trunk warily eyeing a skunk that sat just inches from where they were laying. They looked at each other and Oscar, gulped, and said in a dry, cracked voice, “Is that you Brutus?”

The skunk blinked a couple of times, twitched its tail, made a noise that sounded something like clearing its throat, blinked again and started laughing. He laughed so hard that his bushy tail shot straight up in the air, and he had a small accident that changed the look of surprise on the cousins’ faces to one of alarm and they quickly covered their noses. The skunk fell onto the bed of pine needles and rolled over onto his back, kicking his legs and laughing harder still. When at last he could speak, he said in a stuffy nose sounding voice, “Oh… I wish you could see your faces! Of course, it’s me, what other skunk would volunteer to wait for you in the daylight?”

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And there it is, warts and all. Thanks for taking the time to stop by. I have another visit to The Cleveland Clinic on Wednesday; perhaps my doctor there can get my brain back in working order. I have every faith that she will.

There is always hope.

The Great Lady Bug Hunt Begins

2008-06-14T23:46:00.003-04:00

As I told you, I am writing a children's story. There have been several surprises for me since I first began this adventure. First, it is more difficult than I had anticipated, writing a story that conveys a message without sounding like a textbook. Second, my protagonists are little older than I thought they were, I had imagined them to be in the three to five year age group and they are instead seven and eight. Perhaps they are small for their ages. LOL Another problem I encountered is that the parent's seem determined to become involved in the Lady Bug hunt. That sent me back to Go and I had to begin all over again. Woe, the life of the amateur writer, I love it.

Without further ado, here follows my few short lines of the beginning of The Great Lady Bug Hunt. By and by, I do know ladybug is one word but for the purpose of the story, it is two.

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The Great Lady Bug Hunt

Boomer had waited a very long time to return to his Aunt Hattie's house in Ohio, in fact, he waited nearly an entire year and that was quite long enough thank you. He wiggled around in the back seat of the car and asked, "Are we there yet?" for the ten gazillionth time. His parents both smiled and nodded their heads as his mother slowed the car and turned the wheel, Boomer felt a gentle thump and then the car wheels were crunching gravel as they pulled onto a long gravel driveway.

"Bill and Amy are already here. Oscar beat you to the top bunk buddy, I don't want you two fighting over it. Got it?" Boomer's father said as he opened the car door.

"Okay, but I get to…" We will never know what it was that Boomer wanted because at precisely that moment a head topped with brown curls followed by a stout little body clad in a blue tee-shirt and shorts pummeled him, nailing Boomer flat on the floor of the car. Sticky hands pressed his head back and Boomer was glaring into the broadly grinning, chocolate covered face of his cousin.

"Hi yah, Boomer! Gotcha didn't I?" laughed Oscar.

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And there you have it; you may have guessed that it appears to be working itself up to being a much longer story than I had originally planned. As for the message, I do hope I can figure that out! At this point, my goal is to have enough new work to make a respectable post of it next Saturday.

There is always hope.