The Longest Journey is the Journey Inward

Moving to a new home

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:12:00 +0000

I feel like it is time for me to move on and write about the other phases of my life. My new home is Laughter through the Storm

I have enjoyed so much meeting so many people on the adoption journey. Please feel free to contact me if you need any advice or have questions. I love talking about it because it was a great experience for us. Nikolai is almost 4 now and growing like a weed. We call him the Mayor because not only does he greet everyone, but, he remembers everyone's name. He is a blessing in our lives. But, we have moved past the adoption phase now.. And I feel like it is time to talk about other aspects of my life.

I pray that this blog will help others in their journey to find their child. I know for me, reading other blogs was such a huge blessing and help.

I hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season and again, should you ever need me....just write a comment on here or come over to my new home.

Blessings to you all!!

Nikolai and Shingles..

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 04:04:00 +0000

Our poor guy has gone through so much in one week. He had the big surgery on his hand. Quite frankly, for something so major, he doesn't seem to be affected by it in the least. What the main problem is...he has shingles. He got them a week before his surgery. The lesions were virtually gone by the time of surgery. The very next day after surgery, they resurfaced with a vengeance.
He is in a lot of pain from the shingles. The worst part about this is that I have to keep him away from everyone until his lesions heal. He is such a social little guy. We are both going a little batty!!

Please pray that these shingles would leave!!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

Please pray for our friends in the adoption community

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:27:00 +0000

I have been a member of FRUA for a while now. I haven't been as active as I once was. It is Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption. There is a family that just adopted two girls this past December. One has Cerebral Palsy and she is doing so well now. She has 2 older sons as well. The 14 year old son (Harrison) was with friends on a beautiful Sunday, almost 6 weeks ago. He was leaving the swim club and walking across the street to his favorite sub place with his friends. The friends made it across the street, but, he didn't. A car hit him at about 55 miles per hour. The driver was devastated. He was not at fault. But, I hear he is destroyed over it. They said that Harrison would probably not make it through the night. He broke so many bones, and worse..he had severe head trauma and they had to remove a part of his skull to help with the swelling. His amazing story is that he did make it. He is a miracle child. He is not recognizing people yet...but, I know he will. Please visit his site.... His mother is an amazing writer. But, it is her faith that is unreal. I read about him everyday as if he was a member of our family. He has touched so many people all over the country. Please pray for him and his family. He is truly a miracle.

I want you to also pray for my dear friend Michelle who is leaving for Ukraine in 5 weeks to adopt 3 children. She adopted a beautiful girl a few years ago. We became friends through the Ukrainian hosting program. She is amazing, and I feel blessed to know her. It is amazing the adoption community and the friendships that form. She is a survivor of pancreatic cancer as of this year. She is also an amazing inspiration to me. She is still trying to raise money for the children that she will adopt. She is considering special needs as well. I think that is so wonderful. There are so many children out there who need us. Especially those that need an extra hand. Please visit her blog. Her family has gone through so much and yet, she doesn't look at what she has been through. She is blessed to be alive to bring more children home. Please pray for her and if you are able to help her in any way, I know she would be blessed beyond words.

Thanks for reading this and praying for these families.

Nikolai's hand surgery

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:11:00 +0000

Well, the day finally came where Nikolai had to have surgery. He was born with ABS, which is Amniotic Banding Syndrome. In short, his right hand was fused together...well, at least 3 of his fingers. We were supposed to have the surgery a while back, but, he couldn't seem to gain enough weight to undergo anesthesia.

So, on Tuesday...he went under. Let me tell you what..I did not sleep the night before. The morning of, I just prayed for peace. God delivered. Nikolai was laughing with all of the nurses and flirting. It cracked me up. He had a crowd in there just watching his antics. It was hard to see him go down the hall to the surgery room. But, as he passed everyone, he made the spiderman fingers and pretended to put spider webs all over everyone. Again...he was hamming it up. It could be that he was a little funnier because they gave him so calming medicine.

The surgery was about 2 1/2 hours. When we got to him, he was crying pretty hard. Mind you, they basically broke his fingers apart and reconstructed 2 of them. He will only have 4 fingers. He was angry about his hand. It was wrapped up in a bandage and had a huge sock on it. Then, he happened to look under the sheets and was really mad. He had also a circumcision. As strange as this may sound, they needed the skin for grafting on his hand. A side note: I don't think that I will tell him that when he is older. He won't appreciate that too much :) But, when he looked under the sheets...he threw his hands in the air and with such exasperation said "OH MAN!! MY WEINER HAS A BOO-BOO" and then dramatically slammed his hands down on the side of the bed. I had to turn my head because I was laughing. The way he said that was hilarious. But, his pain was not. He was in pain.

When we took him home, we were in shock how great he was doing. He woke up yesterday and was acting like nothing happened. Then, around 9:00am, he started feeling really bad. He had a rough day. Last night, he broke out with shingles again. He had it last week. Our pediatrician said that they had never seen a child that young have shingles. So, now he is really ticked off.

Today was hard on us both. I couldn't seem to comfort him and he couldn't get comfortable. He is itching to death from the shingles and they hurt, and his hand hurts and his other part hurts. They gave him some pain medicine, but, it jacks him up pretty hard. Instead of resting, he is rocking back and forth and is very uncomfortable. Please pray for him that his recovery will be swift.

Hope you all are well!!

I am moving forward in my journey...

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:18:00 +0000

I have realized that after 2 years of having Nikolai at home, the adoption piece of it no longer is in my mind. It is hard to keep up with this blog, because we are no longer dealing with adoption issues. He is fully integrated into our family and now we deal with all the issues of what having 3 at home bring.

I will be quite candid about the whole adoption journey. I had a lot of expectations of what it was going to be like. I thought that the minute we saw each other, he would run to me. I thought when he came home, he would latch right onto me and let me hug him and love on him. None of that happened. He didn't know how to love or to show affection. I took it personal. I went through a really hard phase where I thought that I was a failure as a mother. He didn't want to be touched or held. He was very violent in his rocking at night. It tore me up that I couldn't do anything about it. I padded everything in his crib. He didn't want to be held when he was sick. I was crushed. Honestly.

We have come a long way. He loves life so much now and loves to hug, and likes to be held when sick. He can throw one heck of a temper tantrum that blows me away at times.

I have moved into the phase of what it is like raising three very independent children. So, in time...I may make a new blog to discuss everyday life.

I have appreciated so much everyone being such a support during the whole adoption process. I couldn't have done it without my blogger world friends and encouragement from random people.

There is so much that I am still learning. I guess motherhood is a work in progress. I sure do wish someone would have handed me the Motherhood Guide book. But, I suppose we write it along the way.

2 year post-placement

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 21:15:00 +0000

It is so hard to believe that our 2 year post-placement is already here. It seems like yesterday that we were getting our Visa's, checking our packing list, and getting ready to board a plane to Moscow, Russia to meet our son for the first time.

Here we are, 2 years later and our baby boy is no longer a baby...he is a big boy now. At least that what he tells you. I always say that he is my baby. His comment back to me is "I not a baby mommy...I a big boy!". His words are forming at a quick clip. Wow, all the chattering in my home is serious business!!

Nikolai was just diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I don't know everything about it,but we will be meeting with a Nutritionist. Celiac is where your body is allergic to Gluten which is found in wheat and almost every processed food. This is why Nikolai has not gained much weight since being home. He can eat the entire house down and never gain an ounce. I have never seen a child that small eat as much as he does. Suffice it to say, he likes mama's cooking!! (and papa's).

There is so much to catch you up on with our family. We are doing really good and Nikolai has blossomed into this amazing flower. I am so proud of him.

"How come he got that pincher and I don't"

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:20:00 +0000

Those were the exact words one of Nikolai's little friends mouth. She is a sweet girl that my good friend babysits. My friend couldn't figure out what this little girl was talking about. She thought she was talking about a toy that Nikolai was playing with. The little girl kept pointing to his hand...
(it is hard to see in this picture, but, it is the left hand. He kindof has it curled up in that pic)

Finally, she got it. She understood. The little girl saw how Nikolai's hand looked like a "claw" to her because of his Amniotic (sp?) banding syndrome. His 3 middle fingers are fused together and he uses that as one and then he uses his thumb and pinky. He can pick up things that you wouldn't believe. So, this sweet little girl wanted a hand just like his because it was cool and it could do so much. I thought that was so precious!! I know kids can be cruel, but, kids can be so sweet and honest and not even know it.

We plan on having his first round of surgeries on his hand this year. They wanted us to hold off a little bit until he put on more weight. With the anesthesia, they wanted him to weigh more. The doctors tell us that it will be a series of operations probably up through 1st grade. It terrifies me for him to have surgery. I have had operations and they have hurt, but, I do not want any of my babies to ever experience that. So, I am very prayerful about it.

Getting into the terrible two's

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:07:00 +0000

Well, I knew it would happen. But, maybe I thought that I would get a little lucky.. S bypassed the terribles, and M got it at around 3 years old...she still has it. Nikolai is right on track. He read the book on temper tantrums, put the book down and put it to use!!

So, I am in a whole new world with him. What worked for S does not work for M or N. Nikolai is very good with this whole time out thing. He obeys very well. Now, he goes kicking and screaming. But, we tell him why he is in time out and we give him 2 minutes. Usually, he is screaming "NO TIME OUT!!" or banging his head on the stair rails (which scares me to death). Then, right about 2 minutes....he stops and he is quiet. He is ready to say "I sorry" and we move on with our day.

It is in public that I am not sure what to do. The stage that we are in right now is the stage where if you don't give him what he wants at the exact second that he wants it....fury happens. He kicks, screams, and grits him teeth because he is so mad. When you are with 3 kids in the store and he does that. There are not many things to do, other than leave. What I did the other day was take us all back outside and made everyone sit on the bench. I put him in time out there, instructed the girls not to play with him. He threw what my dad likes to call it " A hissy fit!!!" Then, he was tired. I asked if he was ready to go back....he said he was. He said "I sorry" So, we went back in with no problems.

But, the looks you get are terrible sometimes. He likes to scream "Ow!! OW!! OW!!" when you pick him up and hold him while he is in the middle of a tantrum. I can't figure it out for the life of me. I think what it is....he is screaming "OW" because he just doesn't want to be picked up. But, the public doesn't get that....it makes an entire store turn and stare at you with cell phones in hand ready to call 911.

I think about calling Nanny 911 sometimes. I wonder if she has a direct line. With 3 children going through so many emotions and stages in their lives..it is hard to know what the right thing to do all the time. I do my best and I think I am a good mother. I try. I really do.

We went to the Russian Art Store

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:03:00 +0000

Nikolai and I took a nice stroll downtown where we live. We stumbled upon a Russian Art Store. I decided to go in. There we met Olga. She was from St. Petersburg. We talked and talked and talked. Nikolai seemed to be drawn to the dolls and other Russian toys. She was so sweet to us. She bent down and gave Nikolai a matryoshka doll.

I know that Nikolai barely remembers the Russian language. But, when she started talking...he was very drawn to her. It was a nice surprise on a sunny day while we were waiting for M.

Do I ever think about Russia?

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:28:00 +0000

I think about Russia all the time. I have met so many people who have told me that they were so ready to get out of there. To hurry the process, to hurry, hurry, hurry.

Not me, I am ready to visit again. I remember the smells, the feel, the people like it was yesterday. I loved Russia. Many people from all parts of the world have their feelings towards Russia, whether it be bad or good. Most are afraid...they think that all Russians are with the KGB, or the big "bad boogie man", or that everyone is mean.

My eyes saw beauty, great food, a fresh way of looking at life, generous, kind people. I saw the hardships in the eyes of the old lady who was the attendant at the portable bathroom in the middle of the street. She was hunched over and barely able to walk. When I saw her, I knew that she had seen the rise and fall of communism, she lived through wars, she saw it all. She was beautiful to me. She smiled the best that she could. Smiling is not a Russians way of life. That does not mean that they don't smile on the inside. It is their culture. I came to respect that. They laugh, have fun, sing, tell stories..just like anyone else. They choose to do it behind the doors of their own home.

I was there when a group of terrorist murdered a kid for being from the wrong race. It happened literally minutes before my metro stop. Terror is something that is a part of many of their daily lives. I saw poverty. I saw tremendous wealth. I saw historic buildings and places that are forever etched in my memory. It is a country desperately trying to build back so much that was ruined.

I am proud to be an American and am incredibly blessed for being born here. But, I am grateful that I do live in a free society that allows me to visit countries and take pieces of it and put it in my heart. What an amazing world we live in. There is so much to see and so much to learn.

Russia is our son's homeland. I cannot try and erase that. I don't want to. I am sure his birth mother did what she felt was the best thing for her. I pray for her, and pray for her safety. However, I am thankful to her. Because had she not given birth to Sasha Romanov (now Nikolai)...we would not have our son. I truly believe that it was all a part of a divine plan. I believe it was Gods plan for him to be born in Moscow and for a wonderful woman to send out a random email about a little boy she knew of that had special needs to a family in the US (that would be us).

As crazy as it sounds....Nikolai called us to Russia. We heard the call and we came. I am thankful to Russia for giving him the best life that they could while he was there. Our promise was to take it from there and give him the best life possible, no matter where he physically lived. Russia is a part of his blood, therefore...it runs through our veins.

This isn't about politics and who did what to who's country and what President is mad at whom.

Russia was our son's womb and we were blessed to help bring him into this world. Does it matter where a child is from? So many have issues with where you adopt your child. What matters is that children are Gods children and we are put on this earth to nurture them during our stay on this planet. God didn't say that your child had to be from your own womb, or from your own state or even your own country. We were blessed that we had a little of all of the above.

We made forever friends in Russia. Our sons playmates from his children's home live in he US near us. How amazing is that?

This is about the gift that we were given to see a whole new way of living and a beautiful country that so many don't really know or understand. Thank you Mother Russia. Until we meet
again.....

Here is when Nikolai and I took our first walk together in Red Square. One year later, we took our first walk into Build-a -Bear.

4 years ago today...

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:42:00 +0000

I was lying in the hospital, having been there for close to 3 weeks. I was very sick with high blood pressure, and a baby desperately needing to get out of my stomach. They warned me that her lungs weren't ready. The doctors had to give me a drug to help me not go into a seizure. I had pre-eclampsia.

4 years ago today, the doctors said that our baby had to come out or that we both could die.

She was born at 4:00 in the afternoon. She was so tiny and so beautiful. Her chest was puffing in and out so heavily. She was struggling to breathe. They let me kiss her for a millisecond and I never held her in my arms again for another week.

She was rushed to the NICU. I was stuck in bed with IV's hanging out of me. Later that night, the nurses and doctors took pity on me and let my husband wheel me down to the NICU. I was still hooked to all types of medicines. There was still a fear that I would have a seizure afterwards.

I wheeled myself right up to the window of the incubator that my tiny-iny baby was lying in. She had a chest tube, tubes in every place imaginable and her chest was so swollen from trying to breathe. Never in my life did I feel the way that I felt in that moment. I was terrified of losing this beautiful angel that God had blessed me with. I cried with every tear that I had in my body.

That night, the doctor came in to sit next to me. He held my hand ever so gently and told me that he was called in because our baby's lung had collapsed and they would have to transport her by ambulance to the next hospital that had a Higher Level Newborn Intensive Care Unit. He said not to worry, that they would take care of her.

They wheeled her down in my room before going into an ambulance. I touched the glass and told her that I loved her and not to give up. "Please don't give up"

We reunited several days later. I was taken off all IV's and able to go to the hospital that she was at. I rarely left her side. She was in a tiny incubator and had IV's coming out of her head, toes, nose. My husband and I clung to each other.

When we walked in, the nurses were full of smiles. They told us that they had no idea what had happened, but, our baby girl had taken a turn. A turn for the better. They said that she must have loved that ambulance ride, because she only needed a ventilator for a day (compared to the original 3 weeks) and that she was making a miraculous recovery. I finally held her through the incubator. It was like a robot machine. I touched her tiny fingers and prayed every prayer that I could pray.

A few days later....we were told that she would be released from the NICU and sent to another hospital for a few days of observation. I was able to hold her in my arms. She smelled so good. She smiled at me and I knew we were going to be ok.

Today is her 4th birthday. I have been grateful for every moment of those 4 years. She is a vivacious little girl who has a feisty spirit that she had to come into this world with. She lights up my world and I thank God every day for allowing her to hang on. I celebrate life with her. I am so grateful.

There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't realize how lucky I am to still be on this earth with 3 amazing children. Most importantly, that precious little baby who struggled so hard to breathe........., she never gave up.

Happy Birthday Princess!!!

Guilt is such a destructive visitor in your life....

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 00:32:00 +0000

I feel like guilt consumes a lot of my life as a mother. Where should I begin?:

Guilt that if I am working, my children are suffering.

Guilt that if I am at home full time, that I am not everything they want me to be.

Guilt because my 7 year old said in the Disney store today with HUGE crocodile tears "I don't feel special", because her brother got a $1 sippy cup and we were buying presents for her sisters birthday. (it happens all the time. our children feel entitled to toys, presents, everything)

Guilt because I don't have the energy to do the one million and one things that they want me to do during the day...."what's next? the pool?, park?, art?, dance?...you catch my drift"

Guilt because I am not the mom who is dressed to the "9's" when I drop off my kids at the school. I am lucky I put my shirt on the right way.

Guilt because I didn't make homemade cookies for my child's class, guilt because I didn't make a home made craft, guilt because I am not in the "Right" Play group or ANY play group for that matter.

Guilt that I am not taking Little N to all of these social activities to help him with his social skills. HE HAS SOCIAL SKILLS!!

Guilt that I don't have the house smelling like pine sol with the kitchen gleaming and the dinner cooked when my husband arrives.

Guilt that I have gained 100 lbs in 4 years.

Guilt that my children never seem to get enough of me, but, yet I give them 100% and have negative for me or my husband.

Guilt that I never seem quite good enough at parenting. But, yet I try so hard. M is in the terrible 2's, 3's, and 4's. N has FULL BLOWN terrible 2's. S needs every second of my time. I try to be everything to them. But, many days are filled with them screaming, yelling, kicking at me. Nothing ever seems to be good enough. I am with poopy diapers and kiddie talk 24 hours a day.

I feel guilty that I miss my life. I miss my friends, I miss working at a job that I love. I miss doing anything that resembles me.

I knew that when I decided to be a mother, my life would change forever. I wanted it, I am happy for it. But, where I am confused is that is my life supposed to be taken over by my children and you are left as a shell. Or do they compliment your life and you can still have some sort of sense of who you are?

I am struggling a little bit. Is there anyone else out there that juggles all of this? Any advice would help.

Where does the guilt end? Does it? What makes you a good mom?

Ok this is funny..."Mom my Ride"

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 18:03:00 +0000

I saw this on You Tube....and Oh my goodness....anybody out there who is a "minivan" Mom might be able to appreciate this. I swear this must have been me and someone forgot to tell me they put my car on television!!!

The one thing that I said in my life was that I was NEVER going to drive a minivan nor live in suburbia. Now I do both. I have learned to cut the word "never" straight out of my mouth.

Life after adoption....

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 16:44:00 +0000

Since it has taken so long to get back to blogging and a year has flown by. It will be a while for me to catch up on everything that has gone on.

But, I do want to talk about the emotional roller coaster that you are on before and after adoption. I know so many of you are waiting to adopt and you are struggling with how long it has taken. Then there are others who are in the middle of the adoption, others that are on the other side like us.

I remember wanting so desperately to be in Moscow and to get my son and take him home. Then, when we did get him home, all I wanted is for everything to be normal right then. I never anticipated the tidal wave of emotions that would come along with it.

My best advice to anyone who is considering adoption, adding another child into their family is to take emotional inventory of yourself. Meaning, are you ready emotionally for all the changes?

That is so easy said, I know. Don't get me wrong, I would not change a thing. I just wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster that has taken place. I will continue to elaborate and update on post-adoption in my blogs.

What has our little man been up to this year?

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:43:00 +0000

Lets put it this way, what has Nikolai NOT been up to? :) In the past year since he has been home.... he has now officially become our local "mayor". When he first arrived in the US last May, he was afraid of everyone. Everyone except us. He was terrified of my parents, terrified of having a babysitter.

NOW??? Those days are over. He waves to everyone and says "HI!" and waves and gives his now well practiced smile. Wherever he goes...he doesn't meet a stranger. I am so happy about the change. But, it scares me too. Because he will run up to anyone. For instance, we were at the park and went right up to this woman and motioned for her to pick him up and put him on the swing. He has no fear. Of course, I am running up freaking out that someone else is touching him. But, I realize that he just wanted to get on that swing and Mom was just not fast enough.

He is faster than the speed of lightning. I have never in my life seen a child that moves as fast as he does. He was about 16 lbs. when we adopted him, he is now weighing in at 23 lbs now. At 2 1/2 years old...he still wears a size 12 month pants. But, what he lacks in size...he makes up for in "pizazz!!" He has completely shocked us all by his ability to pick up on everything. Sometimes that is good, sometimes...not so good. He watches his Daddy with the electronic stuff. Nikolai thinks now that he knows how to rewire a computer. :) So much for that international doctor that sent us a note "expect mild retardation". Nope....not here.... he is a smart little boy.

He loves his sisters and vice-versa. Sometimes...a little too much. Because he is so small, they think he is a baby doll. They dress him up, put him in their doll baby stroller. My hubby is not so sure about all that. I am not worried...he is having fun and he is totally a guys "guy". Whenever boys are around...he wants to be a part of the action. Loves jumping, loves crashing his toy cars, loves to scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! But, he knows how to charm the ladies. He gives that smile that melts anyone.

We are going through the terrible two's right now... His constant words are "No, Why?, NO LIKE THAT!" Yikes. This temper tantrums are pretty tough. But, I think it is mainly that he is a very active, independent little boy. He does not want anyone to interfere with his independence.
When you do, he lets you know. He is a champion at time out. He knows exactly what to do and doesn't move an inch! :) If I could read his thoughts...they would say "Geez Mom, why do I have to sit on the steps? All I was doing is trying to move the cat out of the way"

yea....move the cat out of the way...can we say..kick the cat and then running over to him to say he was sorry. He picked up Mr. Kitty to give him a hug (rather a gut wrenching smother) to say he was sorry. No worries...no harm done to the Kitty. They are so used to our wild brood.

More updates to come!!!
Love to all!

Caroline

Where in the world have we been?

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 22:47:00 +0000

Well hello world!!! I realize that it has been coming up on a year since I have posted. Shame for shame for shame. I could list the many different reasons. But, it would bore you to tears.

Mainly...it has been because of LIFE. Having 3 children has definitely taken life to the next level. So, by the pictures...you can see the kids are as busy and happy as ever.

Little Nikolai has gone from bald to his first hair cut and he is definitely a tow head. 3 blonde little ones. They have more energy than I could ever imagine. I am going to start posting again and let you know how the past year has been since Nikolai has been home.

I have started another blog that is on WordPress right now. I like the templates, but, am having a hard time with the formatting and frankly there are not a lot of people (so it seems that blog over there). Come check it out... www.diaryofashrinkingmama.blogspot.com
I will have it on my blog roll too. I am on a journey to Weight Loss Surgery. It is about my struggles with weight, about going through the Duke University program. It is a lot different than the adoption log.

I am really trying to get back in the blogging world. I look forward to hearing you guys!!

I have missed you all!!

Caroline

Crikey Mate!

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 14:46:00 +0000

3 weeks ago, I was just like the rest of the world...first hearing of Steve Irwin's death. For some people, it didn't really affect them. But, for the large majority..it was a huge loss. For me... it has really impacted me in ways that I never imagined it would. I have been deeply saddened by it. I think I have an idea of why it has bothered me so badly.... He was so vibrant, young, passionate and he was so in love with what he did for a living and his family.

I watched 20/20 last night with Barbara Walters because Terri Irwin was on and she was finally speaking. Maybe I am just sensitive or a big ole mush ball. But, I cried like a baby. The pain that she must be going through is unimaginable. But, to hear her talk of her husband as her "prince" and her children...I could really relate to her. I know that was why I was so upset. It happened so quickly and so accidentally, that it could happen to anyone of us at any time. I held my husbands hand and thought the very same words that she said....My husband is my "prince" and our children are our everything. They worship their father like you wouldn't believe. He makes life so much fun and makes me feel alive. I cannot imagine him being out of my life. I know that is how Terri must have felt.

I always liked watching Steve on TV and loved the way he was so passionate about everything. I loved the way that he overcame adversity. I loved the way that he changed the world. It has got me thinking....am I as passionate as I need to be about my life? Children? our world? career? What will I be remembered for?

I think he taught all of us that we need to believe in ourselves and what we are put on this earth for. Don't be afraid to try new things and to embrace life. Thank you Steve for reminding us about that. I am just so sorry that you had to leave this life so soon. But, as Terri said last night on TV....she knows that you are still with her and your children.

Are you passionate about what you do for a living? About your life and your family? Interesting thoughts......

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 03:02:00 +0000

This was over 4 months ago in Russia....

And here we are now at the beach....oh...you thought you were going to get a pic with me in a bathing suit? Oh, I think not! I embarrass myself these days!

I think of the song by David Bowie "Changes" when I think of what the last 4 months have been like since we have been home with Nikolai and back from Russia. There is so much to say. First, it seems just like yesterday when I was riding on the Metro and visiting the desky dom everyday. Fast forward and no one can guess that Nikolai had never been a part of our lives for his entire life.

He bonded to me really well in Russia because I was there by myself for a couple of weeks, and then when B and sis S came out, he quickly bonded to them. Now, when we got to the states...you best forget him going to ANYONE other than B and I. We have not had a date yet since being back from Russia. N is like a cat if we are out of his sight. His claws come out and he hangs on to anything that he can find. He will not let you out of his sight. If you do make it a few steps, his lung capacity is to the maximum limit. Surrounding countries can hear him. He would not have anything to do with my parents until a couple of weeks ago. FINALLY!. It broke my Mom's heart. I tried to explain his life and bonding. But, I have learned that those that don't understand an adopted child...they assume that child should act just like anyone else. Let me tell you...it does NOT work that way.

Case in point....with our two girls...we do time outs for when they get into trouble. We put them in time out for the time period of their age. We explain what they are in there for. We can walk away from them during that time period. As for Nikolai...nope, nope and then nope again. He likes to throw his food, toys, basically anything. His hand might be malformed...but, I truly believe it to be a bionic hand, because he can throw things as far as the eye can see. He loves to slap me in the face. He definitely has serious temper tantrums and they get intense. He didn't want to be consoled in the beginning. I read in one of the books to stay with him during his time out. I would sit with him and keep talking to him in a calm voice. That seems to tick him off more :) But, when he goes into a rage...I just hold him and he fights me like you have never seen. But, when he realizes that I am not leaving...he calms down and rests against me. He has finally learned to show affection. He gives hugs and kisses now. He runs to me and B now when he falls down. Before, he would sit by himself and rock and cry. He didn't want you to console him when he got hurt or sick. It was hard on me in the beginning. I am such a nurturer. So, not to be able to cuddle with him when he so needed it was hard.

I fully believe though if you remain calm and keep showing them that you are not going to leave..things suddenly click. He is very active and into everything. The girls never stuck their fingers in every hole in the house, including the toilet. I spend more time chasing after him. He is so fast!!!!

But, he has such a sensitive heart. He hates it if you are sad or the girls are crying. He will go over and lay his head down on them. He loves our dog and cat. He says "Awww" and pets them in his cute little way. He wants to be a big kid so bad. He is beautiful, a true gift.

It has been hard, I can't lie. Not so much because of Nikolai, but, the fact that there are three little children that need every morsel from you. I thought that N would need me the most. But, since he has been home, the girls seem to crave extra attention too and act out if they don't get it. I feel like a punching bag with the kids. But, I know it is because they are adjusting to the fact that there is another child sharing our love. We explain that we have enough love for each of them. The girls love being a big sister to him. Sometimes too much. They try and dress him up in girls clothes. It drives B crazy. He went out and got him all of these boys stuff. N wears a Boston RedSox outfit...go figure, right?!

Your marriage tends to take a back seat when a child comes along. I am very aware of that. I try really hard to make sure that B knows how much I love him. I look forward to when N can seperate from us a little and we can go out on a date. A Date?? What is that??? :)

I am sure that I will be writing a lot more about what has been going on. It has been a whirlwind at times. Sometimes I wonder if God was right in choosing me to be a Mom of three. I feel so inadequate sometimes. But, I am truly honored that I was chosen.

Oh yea...one other thing that Nikolai loves....computers. I am always on mine. I was working on a project not too long ago and he crawled in my lap and he hit the right button and deleted the whole thing. He lives to push buttons on the computer when I am on it.

I would love to hear from others your challenges and adventures since you have been home. And if you have any questions for those of you waiting that want to know what is going on....ask! I would love to give insight anywhere that I can.

Glad to be back!!

Talk to everyone soon!

Caroline

P.S. on a side note....I am deeply saddened about Steve Irwin..the Crocodile Hunter. I am not sure why that has hit me so hard. But, it has. I guess because he was a young dad with a wife and two children. But, he also was living out his dream in life and he loved what he did every single day. Most of us dream of having that. Then poof...in a freak accident, he is dead. It really hit home and made me think about what I have and how quickly something freakish could happen in my life. I guess we all need to remember to let those that we love KNOW that we love them every single day. Don't let a day pass.

Sleeping like a baby.....

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 05:33:00 +0000

I realize that I have been gone from the blogger world now for over 2 months. I wished that I could say that I have been sleeping like a baby, touring the world, going to spas everyday, having grapes fed to me continuously. But, that would all be a lie.

Frankly, life has caught up with me and I have lost touch with everyone. I am not even sure my own family knows that I am alive. (just kidding...but, almost)

It seems like the past couple of months have absolutely flown by and have been a complete blur. I finally am checking on everyone's blog and am shocked to see what is going on. Jen has already gone to Russia, Elle is on her second trip to Russia, so many other bloggers are back from Russia and then my other blogger friends are doing so many other things that I am standing here left in the dust.

In internet time, two months is way too long. I have been taken off of blog lists and am no longer apart of the blogger circle. Which really stinks, because I loved all of my blogger friends. But, it wasn't them, it was me. (wow...I sound like an old boyfriend) I have gotten so caught up in my life that writing has become an extreme luxury.

Having three children and working is a huge challenge. There are no complaints here. Just saying that it is a challenge and I applaud all of the Moms and dads out there doing it. S started kindergarten this year which is a huge deal, and M is starting pre-school. Baby N is so busy running around the house, it is like watching a shooting star go by. B is so busy with work and I have been busy with assignments. I am an HR consultant and work with children at the local Youth Program in town. Then, of course...I am a Mom and a wife. Not that isn't enough...I have decided to give up consulting and go back into the corporate world.

WHAT?! I know you are asking that question. Why give up a flexible lifestyle with 3 children? Well, that would be a whole other Oprah show. :) Actually, it is simple...I enjoy the structure of corporate life and I miss knowing what assignment that I will be on next. With consulting, if I finish a job...you never know what the next will be, where it is, how long it will be. I miss going into the office... being a part of a company. With consulting, there really isn't any attachments...you go in, get the job done..it is over. It has been great for these couple of years, but, I miss the corporate life.

I know that sparks the whole war against Working at Home Moms and Working Outside of the home moms. I fully believe that a happy mom makes a happy home. I have enjoyed the flexibility of being there at home in between jobs when our children need me. But, going back into the corporate world...I still feel like I will be there when they need me. It just may look different. I will touch on this subject more in depth at a later time.

I want to say that I have missed everyone and I have certainly missed writing and reading about what is going on in each of your lives. You all have never been far from my thoughts. Sometimes life has a way of keeping you so busy that by the time you look up..you have lost so much time. I hope that I can work my way back up to being put on your Favorite Blog Lists again :) Love to all!!!

Birthdays...

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 20:20:00 +0000

I took this from Elle's post about Birthday's. Elle, I hope you don't mind!. Elle is another one of my blogger friends and her birthday was the day before mine. She celebrated it in style with her husband doting on her. My husband did the same thing. It was very special and it meant a lot to me.

I finally found something that really explains how I feel about birthdays. I have always enjoyed celebrating any and everyone's birthday for as long as I can remember. Even my own. Not for the presents or the attention. But, I believe that birthdays should be celebrated because it is a TRUE celebration that person was born into this world and has graced us with their life. So, thank you Elle for posting this on your blog. Because now, i can finally express why Birthdays mean so much to me.

From Here and Now - Living in the Spirit, by Henri J. M. Nouwen

Birthdays need to be celebrated. I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion, or a victory. Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone: “Thank you for being you.” Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say: “Thanks for what you did, or said, or accomplished.” No, we say: “Thank you for being born and being among us.”

On birthdays we celebrate the present. We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen, but we lift someone up and let everyone say: “We love you.”

I know a friend, who, on his birthday, is picked up by his friends, carried to the bathroom, and thrown clothes and all into a tub full of water. Everyone eagerly awaits his birthday, even he himself. I have no idea where this tradition came from, but to be lifted up and “re-baptized” seems like a very good way to have your life celebrated. We are made aware that although we have to keep our feet on the ground, we are created to reach to the heavens, and that, although we easily get dirty, we can always be washed clean again and our life given a new start.

Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays every day, by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and affection. These are ways of saying: “It’s good that you are alive; it’s good that you are walking with me on this earth. Let’s be glad and rejoice. This is the day that God has made for us to be and to be together.”

Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 14:15:00 +0000

So, I am a little delayed in talking about the Carolina Hurricanes winning the Stanley cup!. I am behind in just about everything!!

But, I have to say that even people who don't like hockey around here....everybody became united during this time. It was pretty cool.

I am way behind (2 weeks to be exact) in posting. I know everyone else understands how fast summer is flying by!. Nikolai has been home now for almost 2 months. It feels like a lifetime ago that we were in Moscow. He is so a part of us now that there is never a thought that he wasn't there from the beginning.

I have to say that I miss Moscow. Many of you that have been may ask me Why?. For me, it was such a special time in my life. It went beyond adopting our son. I miss that.

I just had my 37th birthday and for some that is old and some that is young... for me, a part of me still thinks that I am 21 and then my body kicks in and says "Girl...you feel like 90!!"

On the weight loss front, I have lost almost 17 pounds. Things are going slower than they were. I know that is the right way. But, I am not good with slow weight loss! :)

Our wedding anniversary is this week too and I love my husband more than I did the day we married. I can't imagine life without him.

Our summer is busy with activities, working, me STILL plugging away on my screenplay, and learning how to keep up with 3 very active children under the age of 6 and who constantly have colds. Needless to say, there is never a dull moment.

I hope you all are well out there in blogland! Drop a note to say hi and tell me how you are doing if you get a chance...

Caroline

Just wanna have fun...

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:18:00 +0000

That is what our gang likes to do... going to ballgames, playing with bubbles, riding around...I haven't uploaded any pictures of the trampoline and swimming. That is their favorite thing to do.

Little N is as bald as ever....EXCEPT, I will have to say that he is growing out some hair and it is coming in blonde. Those that never met us and don't know we have adopted will say to us
" they all look alike", even those that know we adopted say how uncanny it is that he looks like his sisters. It wouldn't matter to me what he looks like...he is a doll baby.

We had an interesting situation come up at the NC Ukrainian/Russian Adoption picnic yesterday. We were all in the pool and one of the little boys that was adopted came up to him and asked all about him and what his former name was. Little N was very interested in this boy. He kept reaching out for him. N reached out to the little boy with his right hand (the one that is deformed) and the little boy screamed. He apologized profusely afterwards, he said it just scared him. He thought N had been burnt bad or something. I explained about how N was born that way. The little boy was great about it. I realize that most people have never seen a hand like N's. I suppose that we are so used to it that we don't even notice it. We have never really noticed it.

We did take N to the hand surgeon and they said that they could do surgery on his hand. However, one of the fingers that is welded in with the middle 3 does not have a bone. So, they will be able to seperate, but, he will only have 4 fingers. He is so good with his hands, that I can't even imagine them being seperated. But, I know it will be for the best for his future. It just pains me to think that he might be teased one day. But, I fully believe in not making a big deal out of anything. If you are not freaked out...others won't be.

Just like the other day, N has taken to the water like a fish. We are going to have to watch out for him. He likes to go out on his own. I have to remind him "Hello, you just learned how to walk....lets take it easy son!" :) Our girls were and are just as independent. Whew!. Busy household!

Hope all is well with everyone!! Anything new in anyone's life? Love to hear from you!!!

Caroline

Hockey Madness!!

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 01:12:00 +0000

I know that my girl Elle is out there and my new blogger friend Sheena from Australia daring our Carolina Hurricanes to win the Stanley Cup. :) (Elle, you know I am giving you a hard time)
This is only Game 3 and Carolina is in Edmonton right now....but, I am hoping for the best for the 'Canes!!

I have to say that my week has turned out well despite how it ended as of last week. S is back at home and doing great. She had her birthday party today that we had to move from last weekend. It was actually a lot of fun!. It is funny how kids work. We rented one of those Moon Walks. It was this big inflatable castle. We thought that the kids would love that!. They barely used it. They were fascinated with everything but the inflatable! But, yet...if we are at a place where there is one of those...they will break their neck trying to get in. Go figure!. But, they all had a blast.

Believe it or not, Potty humor is still king. Who knew? Seriously. The kids who came to the party got a "Whoopie Cushion" in their gift bags. The main reason we got that was because when S was in the hospital... B got her one to make her laugh...not only did it make her laugh..but, everyone who visited her. So, that is what we got. And let me tell you something...we gave it to the kids and they didn't stop playing with that toy. The laughter that was around was incredible!. I couldn't stop laughing because they were all laughing so hard. Our dog Lilly couldn't figure out what was happening and she started running in circles. Believe it or not...all of the adults were laughing too. I have laughed more today than I have laughed in a long time.

Baby N is loving life right now. We took him to the pool yesterday and I think he is a fish. If he had fins..I would never see him again! :) They had so much fun. It is so nice to have a few great days after such a crazy time in our lives.

AND another great thing that has happened...I think I mentioned that I am on the South Beach Diet. It is coming up on 3 weeks and I have lost 15 pounds! WOO HOO!. Ok...so, i have about 60 to go. But, I can't look at it that way. I am just thrilled to have those pounds gone!

I have to run now....The 'Canes are in the 3rd period and my nerves are shot!!! :)

All Hell has broken loose...

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 22:19:00 +0000

in our home!!! Sometimes in life...you just have to laugh hysterically or you really will cry!

S got out of the hospital this afternoon. Thank goodness!!! She is feeling much better, but, after they pumped lots of meds in her and her having gone under sedation twice...she is a little off kilter the last 2 days.

And now since she is feeling so good...she is bouncing off the walls...and then crying over everything. So..there is that scenerio. The next scene is when we came home from the hospital...Little M and Baby N were so excited to see her. Then Baby N saw me and started crying uncontrollably...like "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING LEAVING ME AGAIN?!?!" Then Little M was jumping up and down as well as our bulldog from excitement and they collided and next thing you know there was screaming and crying and blood. Don't know which one of them bit her tongue..her or the dog. So, at that moment....all three children started to cry.

Not your quiet cry, or your pretend cry...but, the kind that shatters windows.

While my mom watched the kids for a second during the scream fest..i decided to go to the mailbox. Only to find a collection notice of a payment that was supposed to be taken care of by the insurance company. If I could find tears, I would have cried. I think they are scared out of their pants to come out of my face.

I went back to the screamfest...and as of 7:30pm tonight....EST...it just ended. They all are asleep.

So, if you can't laugh about it...what can I do? Ya know? Can't wait until tomorrow when we take Baby N to the urologist to have his "man parts" checked out because of his birth. Can we say "ticked off". So, i don't foresee the hell being stopped from breaking loose in the near future.

I think I might go and buy a wig. I am quickly going bald. :)

You are never given any more than you can handle....

noreply@blogger.com (CarolinaGirl) — Sat, 03 Jun 2006 14:39:00 +0000

that is what I am told a lot. Especially these days. S is still in the hospital. I am sitting right next to her. We are on Day 3 here. She is peaceful at the moment watching a Barbie movie. But, that can change in a moments notice. I have learned a lot about how pain affects a child. S has never been admitted into the hospital...so, this is new to me. I have never seen her like this. She is very tearful and then in hysterics and then screaming at me and then hugging me and then quiet.

As someone mentioned in my last post....what a rollercoaster ride we have been on. Somehow, I have managed to stay incredibly calm. How does that happen?. I think there must be this trigger in all of us in a time of crisis that we have this flight or fight instinct. Especially when it comes to those I love...I fight. I would take it all away from her if I could. It is terribly frustrating that I can't. But, I can try to make life a little easier for her in here.

I keep thinking these antibiotics will have really taken affect on her kidney infection by now. I think they have done a really good job....but, she still hurts. But, from what I am told about a kidney infection...it is really painful.

But, back to the part about "God never gives you more than you can handle.... " God must have mistaken me for someone else :). I know I can handle it and am handling it. But, what I am struggling with is.... WHY us? We have had SOOOOOOO much happen to us in the past 6 years. Major life changes....Moving across country, moving again..., pregancies..one of which landed me in the hospital with eclampsia and little M in the NICU, then me being laid off from a major job, death of my father in law from cancer, my own fathers amputation and cancer, me being in the ER more times than I can count and at least 4 major surgeries in 2 years. Little M in the hospital last year for pneumonia, this year S for Kidneys and Little N is now sick and now Little M.

I don't tell you any of this to feel bad for me or to feel sorry. I just can't help but wonder what is going on. My Mother in Law is so positive. I wished that I was more like her. She always says that "Hey...you made it through it all...it is over and behind you and look on the bright side" So are my sisters and brother...they are always cheering me on. My sister called yesterday and told me "God knew that you could handle it..." I told her that He picked the wrong sister...because I don't feel that strong.

I will write more later... I am headed home to take over taking care of our other two little ones that are sick. B will be here with S. I will be glad when we are all back together again.

Thanks for all of your well wishes!!

Caroline