The Lord, The Blues, and the Art of Being Smooth

Coffee Justice

2009-12-14T10:56:00.010-05:00

Where do I begin?

2009-11-25T14:21:00.001-05:00

Campolo and Bono do a great job expressing eloquently the social imperative the follower of Christ faces. They resonate with me, much like the emotional growl of a great jazz singer or the funky bass of a hardcore band, they pound my chest with vibration. After listening to a message by Campolo in the car on our way to Pizza Hut, I told my wife "I am converted all over again."

What to do then? I cheer on Bono, calling on America to increase aid to poor countries by just %1 of the federal budget. I want to dive into the One campaign and see this through. But what authority have I? How have I sacrificed (Campolo, Power and Authority)?

One place I can begin to implement justice ideas is in crafting the DNA of the coffeehouse that we are starting. We have written into our mission statement that "Live Wired Coffeehouse is committed to engaging in the local economy, doing business with organizations that show care and concern for people and the environment at all levels of production. We are committed to using best practices in business to value people and protect the environment." I warned the students on the board of the coffeehouse that this commitment will have far reaching implications in the way we do business. This will mean searching out the companies and suppliers to do business with who have strong ethical and compassionate practices. This will mean paying our workers what they are worth, and paying more for coffee that is harvested in sustainable ways and where the harvesters are being paid a living wage. I am happy about starting with these values, and look forward to educating our employees and patrons as to their importance.

Inner healing as tough work Part 2.

2009-11-23T14:37:00.000-05:00

The work of inner healing sneaked up on me. Unlike last time when I had made a conscious effort to work things through, today I was caught off guard. It began last night as memories of the pain I felt in my ministry in Faribault came flooding back, mercilessly. Today, also out of the blue, God helped me understand why I was hurt.

I so desired their approval, that I went to great lengths, but their respect was not something I was going to receive. God was gracious and was nearer to me then in more tangibility than ever.

Yoder and justification

2009-11-21T18:09:00.000-05:00

Forgive the incoherence of these thoughts, they come from the cloud of a swine flu mind. I am captured by Yoder's thoughts on justification. He asserts that Paul had the unification of Jew and Gentile as the stuff of justification. Justified, the people groups have been made right in Christ. The wrong of their separation has been replaced by one new body, that of Christ. Here justification is also a work of God that makes us clean, but it is more than simply a judicial proclamation that we are clean, it is true because Christ in his work has actually worked the justice and removed our enmity between one another. To this evangelical Christian these thoughts are surprising, powerful and right.

I was praying the evening prayer with divineoffice.org one night this week and was struck by the reading of Romans 8:10. In the version they were using (perhaps the old Jerusalem Bible) it read differently than the multitude of English translations. Most like the NIV run something like this "But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness." This version ended "because of Justice." Like Ruth Padilla DeBorst said, all the Spanish translations have justicia (The Grace Community). What does this mean for us? The body is dead because of sin, yet the justice worked in and through our body brings life to my spirit. I am alive because of the justice God has worked for me to bring me into one life with others from whom I had been separated. I am alive in my spirit more and more because of the work of justice being done through me.

My spiritual formation, no, even my spiritual life is predicated then on the extent of God's justice being alive in me. I am called to justice in ways of radical subordination. This is truly a work of transformation. For here we have to lay down our expectations to effectiveness, and like the Israelites at the Red Sea, we must give ourselves to God to make the way. My limited expereinces with extended apophatic centering prayer have taught me this as well. We stand in the dark staring at the naked God (The Cloud of Unknowing 80) without image or word and allow God to work in his terms. It is the way of powerlessness.

Thoughts on Amazing Grace: Contemplation in the dark

2009-11-17T18:05:00.002-05:00

As Wilberforce grew in his contemplative desire, so too was he drawn to the dark places. The mystic who wrote the Cloud of Unknowing calls the place of highest contemplation a dark cloud, where all that we think we see and know about God falls away. As Wilberforce sees the light of God in the beauty of spider webs and dandelions, so too does he see through them to the abyss of God's nature, where no image or thought is lofty enough to express God in who God is.

It is a similar cloud that captures Wilberforce as he gazes into the injustice around him. The film presents his explorations of the slave trade simultaneous to his exploration of God's creation. The Spirit seems to be drawing him to contemplate human suffering and inhuman action of degradation at the same time. William Pitt comes to him with abolitionists because he knows Wilberforce has already been touring the East India Docks and been staring at the injustice in the face. Even though he admits that for him "it's like arsenic.
Each new tiny dose doubles the effect," (Amazing Grace, 14:30) still he looks and suffers with God. His body is wracked in sympathy with the pain of his soul.

It is suggested to Wilberforce that he can do both the work of God and the work politic. From that time on the film demonstrates Wilberforce finding God through contemplation and action. His passion for abolition provides him a window on the nature of God and his contemplation of God's nature fuels and refuels his commitment to action.

Prophetic voice

2009-11-10T23:29:00.002-05:00

Meditation on Isaiah 58:1-6

Proclaim the injustice to the church. They act like their nation has been chosen by me. They act as if their going to church and their religiosity, their work ethic and moral certitude was what I desired. They sing their songs loudly to me. They quarrel over whose worship feels best. And they pray to me for revival. As if they could stand my Spirit's Holy presence! As if they actually wanted me to show up!

Is this what I desire? Merely a morning sitting bored in a pew? Merely their acquiescence to my word? Is this what I desire, while they consume the vast majority of the world's resources and ignore the cries of the hungry, the barren, the maimed by war? When their comfort is foremost in their thoughts and not my ways - my compassion, my justice, my loving kindness?

No first repent of your hubris. Face the dark plight of the world and your own part in it. Grieve with me the loss of life and dignity. Then you may rejoice in the reconciliation I have planned for you! Then you may participate in my justice.

Simulation and Simulacra

2009-11-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

In other words there is a great danger in facile and thoughtless verbalizations of spiritual reality. All true spiritual disciplines recognize the peril of idolatry in the irresponsible fabrication of pseudo-spiritual concepts which serve only to delude man and to subject him once again to a deeper captivity just when he seems on the point of tasting the true bliss and the perfect poverty of liberation. (p. 114)

Twenty years before Jean Baudrillard wrote his philosophical treatise Simulacra and Simulation, and nearly forty years before the Wachowski brothers crafted the ideas into The Matrix, Merton, in his genius, was already there. Merton asserts that we tend to create a pseudo-reality built on the symbols, absolutes and pseudo-events of our day (152). Man is in danger of living in this crust of unreality where there is only black and white and those who do not share the same cracked worldview are vilified and tensions lead to violence and war.

I was fortunate enough to read Merton's thoughts on Simone Weil while at St. Gregory's Abby. I had access to their extensive library which has a theological and philosophical leaning. I was able to consult Weil's writings and read the article that was the subject of Merton's reflection. She writes of the way we create concepts with capital-letters that loose their meaning, being hollow husks that serve to divide good society from evil. In her day it was words like Capitalism, Communism, Security, in our day we could add Terrorism and Socialism to the list. She asserts that all of these words are incorrectly invoked as reasons to war. The only real reason for war left with any meaning is the state's capacity to wage war (83).

In the light of this dangerous tendency to false realities, which lead to violence, Merton offers the curative of contemplation. It is only as we face the true Reality, are immersed in the true Reality, that we can face injustice and violence down with Christian non-violence. We Christians must avoid the danger of the quote above of letting our Christianity become another layer of unreality - law unto itself.

Janitor style leadership

2009-10-16T22:32:00.002-04:00

Spirituality and work

2009-09-09T21:25:00.002-04:00

How can I lead people to find the spirituality of work from the ivory tower of vocational church life? How can my spiritual formation matter to people in the real world when I am seen as an oddity? Spirituality is my work. I am paid to pray, to study scripture and sit and think for long stretches. How can I say anything of substance to Marv about finding Jesus in the oil and gears of the engine I barely understand? How can I ask Jeff to find Jesus in the electricity flowing in the lines he is repairing at the sugar factory on a Sunday morning, keeping him from joining us at church? What does my intimacy with Jesus do for the retiree struggling with meaning after putting in years of labor at the steering gear plant while I haven’t loaded my “sixteen tons?”

These are just the questions I live with in a blue-collar community. I’m not sure I would be any better equipped to minister to them if I were shackled to an industrial job – especially if I was thrown off balance and couldn’t manage to continue to explore my spiritual formation. No, a pastor is what they need, but how to make it real to them that work can be more than what we do? Spiritual direction would be a wonderful place to explore this. Most of my working people aren’t seeking the spiritual let alone direction. Perhaps informally, doing direction with out them realizing I am – allowing my own deepening in grace to form questions and conversations that would get them thinking and looking for the presence of God at work.

What does God need?

2009-09-05T00:51:00.004-04:00

In our ministerial group we have on occasion batted around the question: does God have real needs? Does God need us? Does God need companionship? Does God need our service?

In thinking so about God's nature the thought occurs to me that if God has a deep inner need, it is the need to reveal himself. God's self-revelation is a gracious mystery. We have no explanation for it. Indeed by creating the universe and human beings to observe it, God has made a vehicle for communication of the Divine nature. God's self-revelation is also necessarily transformative. One cannot gaze into the awful abyss of God's nature and not be changed - from glory to glory.

As a human being I am created to not only search out God's personhood but to proclaim it, to worship. God invites me to participate in this revelation of the beauty of God's being, leading others (in the end all of creation) to transformation. To me that is the spirituality of leadership - firmly rooted in the Boundless.

Reflections on In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen

2009-08-25T23:28:00.001-04:00

The central question facing Christian leaders today, I think, is: Are we going to be led? Nouwen rightly points out that the cure to the temptation to relevance is mysticism. The Christian leader must be a mystic rooted in the reality of the living Christ to navigate the waters infested with sharks of ego, power, efficiency and world-success.

The central question for me as I face leadership in the coming future is how can I lead people into a desire for the mystic reality of Christ in the intimacy of the Lover. How can I be a part of the Spirits drawing them to the depths? Year after year, as a pastor, I feel like I am treading water. People seem to make little movement toward desperation and hunger for the transformed life. If they so successfully resist the wooing of the Spirit, what does my leadership stand to offer?

I am frightened that I will fail as a leader. I am scared to death that I will not be relevant, or popular, or significant. And I am scared that I too could succumb to those temptations and in the end be unfaithful.

***

Since writing the above I’ve changed. I honestly didn’t see much that was exciting about the future. I was in a funk (not the good kind, like p-funk, but the kind that sucks the spiritual life out of you). Fortunately the last Tuesday night of every month is like a mini retreat for me. I have friends in the city of Saginaw who have been getting together to have a Taizé style service. I came away, as I usually do, happy, content, and brimming with love. I reflected on the drive home on why the change.

One of the things about this gathering is the strong sense of community present. These are friends I trust, and much like with my cohort, I can really be at home in Christ. Nouwen was right to cite the communal disciplines of confession and forgiveness as the curative for the temptation to be popular. In true community, as I find in these services, I don’t need to be anyone special. They don’t need to know that I am a pastor in another town. I don’t need to be a leader.

The other thing that these gatherings offer is the contemplative access to the heart of God. I come away in love with people everywhere again. As I lovingly looked at this group of friends, and even down the street at the strangers hanging outside the Red Eye coffeehouse, I felt encouraged about the future. There were people who experienced Christ in community with me. If that was true, then perhaps my love for Christ, and my renewed love for the people God loves will rub off on those whom I lead.

View all my reviews >>

Eternal Summer

2009-08-25T15:59:00.005-04:00

Anxiety threatened to steal my day
Oppressed me like the mourning
A freight train whistled
Delivering me to
The eternity of an Indian summer

Longing for eternity

2009-08-01T16:39:00.003-04:00

Thou movest us to delight in praising Thee; for Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee - St. Augustine

Last night as I was praying night prayer with divineoffice.org the beauty of the opening hymn sent me into reverie. I began to think, how often does a song, a scent, a landscape send me into a warm and fuzzy place. Call it nostalgia, call it idyllic dreaming, call it holy longing. What ever it is, it seems to me that these are glimpses of eternity. My soul resonates with these moments because they speak to me in my deepest longing for my home in God.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Biking

2009-07-29T16:28:00.003-04:00

View Biking in a larger map

Today, I didn't bike to Unionville as I would normally do. The espresso machine is disconnected at the coffeehouse until the health dept. finally comes through. In addition, Mary has requested that our drink cooler be turned off as well. So, what is there for me there now anyway? Mindless work, only.

No, instead, I took a ride to Kilmanagh, a little town to the east of Sebewaing. Not that there is anything there, but I didn't expect there to be. (Unlike Unionville and it's broken promises of espresso...)

On the ride I listened to a couple podcasts from "Interfaith Voices." One tidbit I gleaned from the April 15th show was from John Micklethwait and Adrian Wooldridge, authors of God is Back: How the Global Revival of Faith is Changing the World. They said China created a perfect environment for the spread of Christianity with their policy that a group of more than 25 worshipers is illegal. As a result house churches must split and multiply at 25!

Spiritual Lessons from Kung Fu Panda

2009-07-08T16:26:00.012-04:00

Kung Fu Panda has the rhythmic dance of martial arts I love in kung fu flicks. It is a fun and hilarious movie that has won my heart.
rating: 4 of 5 stars

Kung Fu Panda offers some lessons for spiritual formation for those with eyes to see. Here are some things to look for:

Indirection

In Kung Fu Panda, Shifu cannot train Po directly. Po is out of shape and has never studied kung fu. He is not quick to learn. Shifu however discovers that to reach food Po can do amaizing things. So instead of getting Po to concentrate on kung fu, he gets him to concentrate on getting the food.

As Dallas Willard says, the spiritual life burns grace like a jet burns fuel. Without grace we cannot address the things that need transformation in our lives. We cannot address these needs head on. Instead through Spiritual Disciplines we place ourselves in a position where God can pour grace through us transforming us into something new.

Freedom through discipline

After training, Shifu tells Po that he is free to eat the dumpling. It can't be that easy can it? Po has to use all of his skills to get the dumpling from Shifu.

Richard Foster writes in Life With God,

Again, Spiritual Disciplines involve doing what we can do to receive from God the power to do what we cannot do. And God graciously uses this process to produce in us the kind of person who automatically will do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.

This ability to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done is the true freedom in life. Freedom comes not from the absence of restraint but from the presence of discipline. Only the disciplined gymnast is free to score a perfect ten on the parallel bars. Only the disciplined violinist is free to play Pagannini's "Caprices." This, of course, is true in all of life, but it is never more true than in the spiritual life (18).

The Paradox of Strength through Weakness

In the final battle, Po's fat, his weakness, is what transforms the power of his adversary into his adversary's defeat. His destiny comes down to this. The dragon warrior needed to be "The Big Fat Panda" in order for his fat to beat the arrogant power of Tai Lung. The surprise lesson in the dragon scroll is that "there is no secret ingredient. It's just you."

The apostle Paul hears God say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:1-10). This is the great challenge for us as well. God can and does use the weakness in us. In Sabbath, restoring the sacred rhythm of rest, Wayne Muller writes,

Sabbath challenges the theology of progress buy reminding us that we are already and always on sacred ground. The gifts of grace and delight are present and abundant; the time to live and love and give thanks and rest and delight is now, this moment this day. Feel what heaven is like; we have a taste of eternity. Rest in the arms of the divine. We do not have miles to go before sleep. The time to sleep, to rest, is now. We are already home (79).

We are created in the imago dei, not that only, but God is Emanuel, with us. We need not seek some secret ingredient, but rather find the power of God even in our weakness living our feeble lives with God.

Wrecked for God

2009-06-28T16:37:00.003-04:00

The Divine Conquest by A.W. Tozer

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

"Are you sure you want to be filled with a Spirit who, though He is like Jesus in His gentleness and love, will nevertheless demand to be Lord of your life? Are you willing to let your personality be taken over by another, even if that other by the Spirit of God Himself? If the Spirit takes charge of your life He will expect unquestioning obedience in everything. He ill not tolerate in you the self-sins even though they are permitted and excused by most Christians. By the self-sins I mean self-love, self-pity, self-seeking, self-confidence, self-righteousness, self-aggrandizement, self-defense. You will find the spirit to be in sharp opposition to the easy ways of the wold and of the mixed multitude within the precincts of religion. He will be jealous over you for good. He will not allow you to boast or swagger or show off. He will take the direction of your life away from you. He will reserve the right to test you, to discipline you, to chasten you for your soul's sake. He may strip you of many of those borderline pleasures which other Christians enjoy but which are to you a source of refined evil..." (123).

Being so immersed in the world of espresso, I have been wrecked to inferior coffee. At times I ironically proclaim, usually to Elaine, that my coffee snobbery is my burden to bear. That is the way it is with the Spirit, says Tozer, He wrecks us. We no longer are satisfied with the "borderline pleasures," but long for something deeper and more real. The good and pleasurable Folgers or Maxwell House becomes "refined evil."

"Through it all He will enfold you in a love so vast, so mighty, so all-embracing, so wondrous that your very losses will seem like gains and your small pains like pleasures. Yet the flesh will whimper under His yoke and cry out against it as a burden too great to bear. And you will be permitted to enjoy the solemn privilege of suffering to 'fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ' in your flesh for His body's sake, which is the Church. Now, with the conditions before you, do you still want to be filled with the Holy Spirit?" (124).

Reading this my mind again wandered to a hot straight shot of espresso. Those of us who drink it, know that we don't do it for the fun of it. It is not a soft drink. No it is hard and rumbly. Its ultimate pleasure is through the suffering.

Dear God, wreck me for you. Bring me along the way of the cross!

View all my reviews.

Biking from one town to another

2009-06-22T14:33:00.007-04:00

Today I got in my head to ride my bike. We've been biking a lot as a family lately, but I wanted to go it alone and see how far I could get. I checked the tires and topped them off, the back one has been feeling a little squishy lately. Then, I shouldered the messenger bag, stuck my headphones in, started the Speaking of Faith podcast put on my helmet and struck out on my way.

I must have looked like a cross between a geezer and a geek. This year I am riding a Huffy Cranbrook, a throw back to bygone classics. I was wearing some hip plaid shorts, but with the blue socks Elaine found (the only pair around). This year I have also been wearing a helmet to be a good example for the kids. I am afraid it is not flattering. The overall impression must have been pretty laughable, which probably accounts for the guy on the motor cycle revving past me in mockery!

I stopped at the church, about half way between Sebewaing and Unionville. I drank a water, still listening to the podcast. Krista was interviewing Jon Kabat-Zinn about meditation. It was a welcome reminder as I slowly made my way past growing fields, trees, houses, being mindful of my own breath and the growing sense of power in my legs.

That power reminded me of scrambling up the Sierra Madre foothills at Mater Dolorosa. For a guy who is constitutionally opposed to work and excersize, these glimpses into how good it feels is remarkable and spiritual.

Inner-healing is tough work!

2009-05-29T22:42:00.000-04:00

I created a list of the wounds that came to mind. They formed a chronological order tied to place and the church or school I was in at the time. After I finished I sighed heavily. The list spanned two pages. This was going to be difficult work.

Since I was sitting in an empty coffeehouse (some weeks from opening) I brewed myself some herbal tea, chamomile and hibiscus, to settle in with God.

The next hours were wrenching. I found I was able to get through only a couple hurts. The one that really got me surrounded the three years my family lived in Grand Rapids Minnesota pastoring the Assembly of God church there. The church chewed up and spit out my dad. He shielded us from all the things that happened, we never became bitter or angry about it, but tonight to my surprise I found there were a lot of pent up emotions about it. I must have perceived more than I realized at the time. Perhaps the night of fear and agony with stomach pain stemmed from being aware of it, or perhaps it was from the enemy. At any rate, God and I had a lot to go through tonight.

To begin with I couldn’t square what I knew of God with what I experienced. I remember how close I was to Jesus then. I knew he was with me. He moved with me, he was the one friend I didn’t have to leave behind, the one friend I didn’t have to win. I remember singing to him and playing with him in the back yard. But, why then, was I so scared? Where was he when I felt alone? Where was he when I was scared? Where was he when my stomach was tied in knots all night from fear? Where was he when my family was hurt? Why did he bring us here to hurt us?

Through all of those questions he didn’t give me an image of where he was with us. He left me with my frustration and disappointment toward him. I prayed Psalm 42. “My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
‘Where is your God?’” (vs 3)

I repeatedly cried Jesus’ words from the cross, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” Why did you forsake my dad? My family? I know Jesus had to die for the world, but he was a grown man, we were just children!

God answered, Jesus was my child.

No answers, but his presence was there. The Spirit also groaned with in me. Both praying in tongues and just groaning in pain we grieved together. God grieved with me.

I got the sense that He was like the protective father standing with my dad, his child, as the church hurled insults at him. I sensed that they sinned against Him that day. Eventually I would ask him to please forgive them.

I also sensed that the place he was for us as children was in our family. While I felt it was His family that had hurt us, and caused me to this day to mistrust them, he was found in my family, sustaining us together.

Over the time grieving together, I asked God finally to bless that church, to give me a deep compassion for them. To bless the deacons in their ministry even when they don’t deserve it. To visit them with supernatural presence in revival and forgive them for what they did to his child.

I now believe this may be one of the most significant wounds I have faced in my life. This may be the pain I was so reluctant to visit. I have never attended to grieving this hurt, counting it behind me and being grateful that my dad protected us from the brunt of it. Perhaps what it did to him is one of the most significant sources of my pain. God and I may have more work to do in this as he continues to fill the void that is in me. To be sure we have some more of the list to go through this summer.

Breaking the power of the past

2009-05-29T20:46:00.000-04:00

Tonight I asked God to examine me. “Search Me, know my heart and thoughts—see if there is any offensive way in me” Then I waited, listened and wrote down what came to mind. Then I prayed through each of them like this:

“Lord, I confess the sin of ___________. I ask you to forgive me for this sin, yielding to it, and the resulting pain that I have caused to others and myself. I renounce the sin of __________ and break its power over my life, the life of my descendants, through the power of the Cross of Jesus. I receive your freedom and grace God in the name of Jesus.“

One of the most meaningful aspects of this process was praying that the power of these sins be broken not only in my life but over my descendants. My desperation for freedom and forgiveness was heightened by the image of Ella and Foster struggling with my sinfulness. As I laid each item at the cross, I did so with authority and desperation, putting myself in Christ’s hands. The shame though, made me doubt my freedom.

As I rested with God and listened for him, I cried out, “Where is the spirit?!” At that moment my body shook. It was as if he was making his presence known. “OK Lord, you are here, what do you have to say?” I replied meekly. The words to Nothing But The Blood began to play in my head. I put the song on through my laptop and soaked in it for a while.

First, I was struck by the line, “Nothing can for sin atone, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” I was released from lingering thought that I had to earn my freedom, but working hard enough or even feeling hard enough.

The second thing that struck me was the ludicrous line, “How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.” I was walking around the room and had stopped in front of a mirror at the time. I was struck that Jesus made me white as snow… this face that I was looking at, the soul behind those eyes, white as snow! I started to laugh. It was ridiculous and wonderful. His blood, on that cross that give the power I prayed for to give me freedom, his blood has made me white as snow.

Now I feel grateful to the point of sorrow and hopefully expectant for the freedom that comes from his hand.

Inner healing

2009-05-29T19:22:00.001-04:00

Healing Care, Healing Prayer: Helping the Broken Find Wholeness in Christ by Terry H. Wardle

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

In Healing Care, Healing Prayer, Terry Wardle offers Christian caregivers the neglected key to emotional health: spiritual transformation. The wisdom of this book is astounding and perhaps unnoticed by many.

For transformation to occur, Wardle insists that the caregiver be transformed first. The caregiver’s attention to intimacy with God is foremost in his or her responsibility. This is a truth that has been central to my own spiritual development. I must grow in intimacy with God, because he is the source, the power behind all transformation, and because those I lead will become as I am.

From there Wardle goes on to set up a framework for understanding inner healing. His visual of an onion with layers moving from the skin of our life situation, through our dysfunctional behaviors, deeper to our emotional upheavals and lies we embrace and finally through those to the underlying wounds, gave me some practical steps for dealing with what I saw as a frightening process. Like Scazzero(Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ), Wardle calls us to face our strong emotions and wounds that we have hidden away in order to function. To my surprise, though I cannot identify any major trauma in my life, I found approaching the unfathomed water of my emotions daunting.

I resonated with Wardle’s use of scripture. I didn’t find him building arguments too many times by psychoanalyzing characters of the Bible, a practice that always strikes me a bit hollow (perhaps it is the approaching of the scripture through the lens of the helping discipline rather than finding the transforming power the stories have to offer in themselves). Rather what stuck out to me was the way Wardle took us to scripture for healing. He offers us the truth of scripture to combat the lies that bind us, but more impressive to me, he takes us to the psalms to find our voice to express our emotions in prayer. I love the psalms. I find myself weeping as I pray them, often. Indeed as I was resisting the work of entering into my emotions and having them out with God, I found I was staying away from the psalms as well, leaving me hollow, and searching for ways to deaden the pain I feared.

Over the past few weeks I have been seeing in many new ways the need for the healing Wardle talks about. I have found myself frustrated and overwhelmed. I found myself doubting that I had the strength to go through this myself let alone lead others through it. My experience has been twofold: I have faced resistance in entering into these waters for my inner healing and I have struggled watching a friend spiraling away.

Becky and her husband came to live with us a few months ago. We invited them for two reasons, one for them – so they would have a place to live, and one for us – so we would have another couple to share the journey of discipleship. Over time we realized both of these things were not working. They started spending their time – days and nights – at other people’s houses; obviously they didn’t need a place at our house. What was worse though, is that they no longer joined us for devotions or showed up a church. Becky went back to drugs, and had fits of anger. I am convinced that she is significantly demonized, and the wounds I am aware in her past are enough to break any heart. She left her husband and our house in the last couple weeks. As much as I have preached healing and deliverance the last few months, I am upset that things could fall apart in our own house so deeply. I am angry with those who have wounded her, and with Becky for her choices, and with God for not breaking through.

At the same time I recognize the pain in my own life. I see the dysfunction in my behavior: my relational fear and my seeking pain killers to avoid confrontation. I recognize lies that both Elaine and I have believed: that we are born to mediocrity, that we suck and are lazy. I recognize the emotional upheaval in my life, as I start to feel the despair and grief that lurks I back away from it, afraid of where the pain will take me. I have come to the place where I have asked God to reveal to me the wounds that have caused this. All the while this process has been difficult, I have resisted it at every step, and since my class work is bound up in this process, my grades have suffered as a result. All in all, Wardle has been right about each step. I hope he is right about the outcome as well.

The practicality of his model is a great strength in Wardle’s work. From giving the caregiver the well to draw from in intimacy with Christ in the beginning to leading the caregiver through the layers of pain to the root, he stands as a guide. My favorite part is when coming to dealing with the deep wounds. The wounded one explores the wound in the context of prayer and asks Jesus to reveal where he was in the scene when the wound happened. I want to go there.

Due to my resistance, I had to re-read the last few chapters to really comprehend what Wardle was getting at. The arguments make rational sense, but making the emotional connection to what he is saying has been surprisingly difficult.

View all my reviews.

The Book Of The Dun Cow revisited

2009-05-28T09:40:00.001-04:00

The Book of the Dun Cow by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars

I had to reread this book after Peter Scazzero made reference to it in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ. I love the rhythm of the Liturgy of the Hours as it is prayed in the monastic setting. The power of Chanticleer's Canonical Crows in the fight against evil was not something I saw the first time I read it. That was long before I began my journey with praying the psalms. The book took on a new and richer meaning for me this time around.

View all my reviews.

relinquishment

2009-05-26T23:29:00.003-04:00

Today didn't start off too well, except of course that it is our Anniversary! My beautiful wife of, now, eight years was an anchor to my soul through my trials and tribulations.

I arrived at the coffeehouse today to prepare for the Rotary Club coming over to see the place and have lunch and coffee. When I came in, Mary, the building's owner had rearranged all the furniture. She had all her stuff on the main floor and relegated mine to the stage. I felt betrayed after the last couple days of discussion with her had not prepared me for this, in fact she said she liked what we had done. I was angry and disappointed, a feeling that hung like sorrow in my throat all day - a day I was supposed to be celebrating!

My vastly romantic plans was to take Elaine to the Taize service in Saginaw. Well, it was out, and it was free, so Elaine agreed. One drawback to the evening was that we found no sitter. The kids held up admirably but still, not romantic. The service, however, was the cure I needed. God was gracious to me and extremely romantic. Wave after wave of his presence came over me. I couldn't help but tremble, then sheepishly look around to see if anyone had noticed my unseemly convusion. Elaine even asked me pointedly "What are you doing?!" What could I say? It wasn't I who was doing anything. It was like the Holy Spirit was tickling me. It was a great time with a great God, great friends, and the best wife ever.

Thanks God for all that, especially Elaine!

Sons of God

2009-05-13T17:27:00.001-04:00

Sons of God by Rebecca Ellen Kurtz

My review

rating: 2 of 5 stars
This story has an imaginative premise and action and romance, what more could you ask for? How about a decent editor? I feel bad for Rebecca Ellen Kurtz. She was let down by her editor on her debut work. The numerous errors in spelling, grammar and formatting became distracting.

One also has to really work to suspend disbelief when imagining the characters. Kurtz struggles to give them their distinctive voices. Whether Norse, Celtic, or European, the voices come off sounding like an American attempting a Scottish accent. Even her ancient Middle Eastern Heroine sounds more like a 21st century American girl.

If you can manage to muscle through the distractions, Kurtz’s exploration of Nephalim lore in various ancient traditions is intriguing. The defects of this novel are easily attributed to the author still trying to find her voice. The shallow theology also betrays her rawness. Kurtz is a diamond still in the rough. She needs a good editor to tease out her best.

View all my reviews.

Patheways to healing

2009-05-13T00:01:00.002-04:00

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ by Peter Scazzero

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
Scazzero’s six healing pathways serve as a good summary of the way of contemplative spirituality that marks good spiritual formation. The value of his treatment isn’t in saying anything new but in providing a perspective on these practices through the lens of emotional health.

He picks up on elements of St. John of the Cross (the dark night of the soul), Ronald Rolheiser (the paschal mystery), and the rules of Ignatius and Benedict. He cast these ancient truths in language that is easy for a layperson. I can see using this book with someone new to the rich traditions of spiritual formation.

The path that has proved the most powerful to me over the last years is truly that of rhythm. The Divine Office and Sabbath have been anchors to me, and dear friends.

Recently I read over my rule of life again, a practice I ought to make part of my rule too (reading it over periodically), I was reminded of the practices that I find valuable and note the ones I have missed.

Right now I am exploring the healing path, Scazzero calls “Going back in order to go forward.” In a conversation with my mom I sensed the pain of hurts that go all the way back to her youth group. I could see how that pain would create the ongoing challenges she faces. I wonder how the pain I have felt as a wee lad is still influencing me. I am getting into the genogram, to see what I can see.

View all my reviews.

The ways in which I suck

2009-05-08T15:24:00.004-04:00

It is sad that so many Christians who are mature in age do not show maturity in emotion or Spirit. I have been in many a contentious church asking, “Where are the fruit of the Spirit?” Peter Scazzero attributes the lack of lasting change in people of faith to lack of growth in emotional maturity. I agree that it is impossible to be spiritually mature and emotionally immature. In deed is there even a difference? Are not emotions spiritual? Can one be emotionally mature with out being spiritually mature?

Of the ten symptoms of emotionally immature spirituality that Scazzero offers, the one I am feeling the most right now is standing in judgment of others' spiritual journeys. I was reflecting, this week, on the roll of worship in creating a healing atmosphere. I thought about how my congregation doesn’t really seem to get into worship. I was talking with the worship leader at Kalamazoo first about her roll; she described her passion that she and the others on the worship team are intimate with Jesus. She expressed the great truth that changed my life so many years ago, the worshipers will become like I am. It was at that moment I realized the truth. My worship sucks.

I began to search for the heart my problem with getting into worship and I think I found it in Scazzero’s symptom – judgmentalism. The times I freely enter into worship have been when I trust that those around me are also seeking the depth of Christ. When I worship with my classmates on our J-Term retreat, I know that we all have a passion for spiritual depth and I can enter in. Something inside me refuses to worship and instead stands in judgment of those around me. Perhaps it is insecurity as well. In either case I have some sort of lurking trust issue that is messing up my worship. God help me! I am working on a genogram of my family that is starting to shed some light on why I feel this way.

Scazzero offers contemplative spirituality coupled with emotional health as the “radical antidote” to spiritual immaturity. I was uncomfortably familiar with his litany of things that he tried hoping that it would be the breakthrough for his congregation; we need more community, more Bible study, more worship, more spiritual warfare etc… Still he saw little fruit. I know this frustration. For Scazzero the break through would come as he coupled emotional health with the contemplative life. Now I am left wondering, is this just something else to add to my litany of things I’ve tried or is it the key to bringing health to my body? It certainly sounds like a good place to begin in my quest to better my worship – and my heart is with out a doubt the place to start the change.