How To Meditate

Meditation can seem so simple that beginners often wonder if they’re doing it right. But whether you’re saying a mantra, watching your breath or following guided recordings, there is nothing you can possibly do wrong. The most important thing when it comes to meditation is to commit some time of day to sitting. You can start with as little as five minutes a day and working your way up to the recommended 20 minutes.

Step 1: Sit in a comfortable position.

Step 2: Set a timer.

Step 3: Close your eyes and begin to relax your muscles.

Step 4: Follow your breath, a mantra, or a guided meditation until your timer goes off.

If it’s so simple, then why doesn’t everyone do this?

Our world is driven by productivity and if we’re not checking off tasks from our list, we’ve been programmed to think that doing something wrong. We are overworked, stressed, exhausted and most of the time, on the brink of a mental breakdown. This is not conducive for productivity and more importantly, it doesn’t make for a good life.

I have struggled in the past to sustain an ongoing practice, partly because I always found an excuse to not sit down and start the meditation, but mostly because the thought of thinking about my thoughts actually made me exhausted. Yeah, I know how that sounds. But, here is the big secret so many people forget to tell you — the goal of mediation is not to stop the chatter in its tracks, but to let go of your emotional attachment to them. Whenever you catch yourself thinking, just bring your attention back to your breath (or your mantra). With time it does get a lot easier and your thoughts actually lose their power power.

Over the years I have discovered a few tricks that have helped me sustain my practice:

1. Wake up and meditate. Even if you have to wake up a little earlier, this is the best way to start your day and you won’t have time to find excuses not to do it.

2. Practice Mudras. Mudras are hand positions that facilitate the flow of energy in your body. They are also said to bring a specific energy flow to the brain as well as have health benefits. Each finger is associated with an element, and it’s incredible how it helps you quiet the mind and tune into yourself. When combined with breath, mudras are said to affect your “prana” (or life force energy) and consciousness in your body. Yogis and Tantric practitioners have specific exercises with breath control to increase this flow in your body, but for the simple purpose of having more focus in your mediation, you can just hold your fingers together in whatever mudra you want, and you will immediately feel a shift in your brain activity.

   7 common Mudras you can start with.

3. Practice The Microcosmic Orbit. This one is a bonus of you really want to focus on circulating orgasmic energy in your body. It takes meditation to the next level and makes so much more fun. If you are curious about learning more, our online courses will teach you all about this energy.

What is your relationship with sex?

Sex is one of those topics that most people are uncomfortable talking about, and it’s pretty obvious why. Over the years, religion repressed sex in our society so much that it’s given psychotherapists, like Sigmund Freud, an eternity of work. This sacred natural act got condemned to be a sinful shameful act against God. For centuries people have had to enjoy (or not) sex in the privacy of their bedrooms, under the strictest of conditions, and under the eyes of a judgmental God. Yep, mood killer.

On the other hand, modern-day media sensationalizes it. Either you are having too much, or not enough. You’re the slut or a prude. The magazines and blogs lure you in with all of the new “tips and tricks” to remind you that you are never quite good enough. They use sex to sell everything. Yet somehow, at the end of the day, society still feels dirty and ashamed about it.

Sexuality is an important part of life. We literally wouldn’t survive as a species without it. Transforming it from the physical, to the emotional, to the spiritual level can shift your entire perspective on its power and meaning. Sex is sacred, and it should be treated so.

“Sex has to be part of your spiritual life, it has to be something sacred. Sex has to be something not obscene, not pornographic, not condemned, not repressed but immensely respected, because we are born out of it. It is our very life force. And to condemn the life force is to condemn everything.”

- Osho

Sex, if allowed, can be a powerful vehicle for spiritual enlightenment. In the ancient practice of Tantra, having sex becomes more than the simple act of reaching an orgasm. It is about deep emotional connection and enjoying the journey rather than focusing solely on the climax. A natural spiritual way to connect your mind, body and soul.

Tantra is a practice that takes dedication, from both partners. Make sure to remain patient and open with your partner, as it is likely one of you will advance through certain parts of the practice faster than the other. That’s ok. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The less judged your partner feels, the more they will open up to the experience. And that means better sex for both of you.

• Communication is Key. Set aside some alone with your partner to just talk. Chat about what’s on your mind, any fears you may have, and explore your fantasies. Go deeper to establish a new level of intimacy. It may seem too sensitive and personal, and sometimes you may be ashamed of the things that turn you on, but be radically honest with them. You might just get exactly what you ask for.

• Get to Know Your Body. Explore your needs, what turns you on, what doesn’t. What feels good, what doesn’t. Do some exploring on your own.

• Relax. Relax. Relax. This one is particularly for the ladies. I know we have difficulty letting go of the whole day and surrendering to sex. It’s like we feel guilty for feeling good when there is so much to do. Learn to relax. Take an epsom salt bath. Tell your partner to rub some coconut oil on your back and give you a relaxing massage. Let your whole body ease up.

• Foreplay. Sex is more than just penetration. It starts way before you reach the bedroom. It’s the looks you give each other, the kisses, the touch, the massages. Longer foreplay = better sex.

• Synch Your Breaths Together. Kind of like meditation, focus on your breathing. Then on your partner’s breathing. Now breathe in sync with each other. Something magical begins to happen, you start to really connect.

• Be Vocal. Learn to speak about your needs during sex. It’s not meant to be a silent process. Tell them what is and isn’t working. This opens the lines of communication and you’ll likely get feedback from your partner as well. Also, don’t be shy about making pleasurable sounds — it’s been proven that this opens up the pleasure receptors in the brain.

• Let Go of the Concept of Time. Like in meditation, if you find yourself thinking, bring your awareness back to the present moment.

• Be Spontaneous. Catch a vibe. If you feel sexy with your partner at a random time, follow the moment. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t finished your work, or the kids are in the other room. Find a way, even if it’s a hot quickie.

• Focus on quality not quantity. More sex doesn’t mean great sex. Focus on the details, linger in the tasty moments, enjoy and savor them. Make quality time and focus on your partner.

• Ditch the Wine. Have completely sober sex and stay connected with your partner the entire time. You will learn so much about your body and your needs when you don’t have any kind of stimulants in your system. Try it and see how it feels.
  

If you’re interested in learning more about Tantra, read our article What is Tantra?

I was a little timid about getting back into the dating game. I’d spent over four years single, writing out of my apartment in Los Angeles, mostly alone. In that time I had developed a bit of a pessimistic view on dating and I was convinced there were no good men left to date. After all, I wanted to fall in love the old fashioned way - you know, like “The Notebook.”

You’d think it would be easy to meet someone in a big city saturated with beautiful people, full of magic and dreams - but it wasn’t. When my new roommate moved in, she was baffled that I had never used a dating app. All she did in between activities was swipe right, swipe left, chat, laugh.  What is this world of Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Raya? She always said, “how are you ever supposed to meet anyone? The only time you leave the house is to go to the gym. You have to get back out there”  She was absolutely right.

You have to get back out there.

Lucky for me, this app situation fit my lifestyle perfectly. What if I really could meet “Mr. Right” without leaving home?  I could potentially meet someone who ran in different circles, someone I’d never run into. Suddenly, the world seemed full of possibilities.  I got super excited and downloaded Tinder. 

OH MY!

I was appalled. Is this how people behave now?  A series of dick pics and assumptions that you want to sleep with them before you even say hi.  I was extremely intimidated by the intensity of this world.  I deleted the app immediately. I researched the target audience on some of the other apps and moved on to Bumble and Hinge. The guys on there at least pretended to get to know me, but I did make it a point to filter them out before agreeing to go out with them.

To my surprise, I went on some pretty amazing dates.  Even my expert-online-dater roommate was baffled at the quality of men that were asking me out.  But, even though I was having fun, something was off.  I realized that I wasn’t sure what I was looking for other than “something real.” 

What did “something real” look like for me? What DID I really want?

I decided to take some of the guesswork from my profile.  I was brutally honest and kept my pictures understated, something that showed the real me.  I was much more direct and, as a result, fell for less of the games.  The guys who were not well matched fell away.  And just like that, a few months later I found the love of my life - and he was better than anything I had ever imagined. 

Seems too easy, right? Not according to “The Law of Attraction” which says that whatever you put out into the universe is what the universe will give to you. I was literally saying for years that there were “no good single men out there,” and when I decided to change my thoughts, everything came, like magic.

If you are disillusioned about dating, like I was, do yourself a favor and get back in the game. Just keep in mind that your world is a reflection of your thoughts, so leave the negative ones behind. There are some pretty incredible guys out there. All you need to do is be honest about what you truly want and never settle for anything less than you deserve.  When you make up your mind and start moving toward that goal, everything shifts.

Great change is always preceded by a choice.  So choose love.  And get back out there with the certainty that who you’re looking for is looking for you too. Have fun!

Here are some quick tips to keep in mind when dating online:

• Know what you want - Whether it’s a hookup or a longterm relationship, this will save you a ton of time and effort when meeting potential dates.

• Do some research on the apps - Look at each of the app’s target audiences. Being more informed will get you quicker and more quality results.

• Photos - Pick pictures that show who you are - something recent, in focus, by yourself. Keep those filters to a minimum, tricking someone into meeting you is never a good idea. And have at least four pics (that’s the magic number according to a recent study by Zoosk).

• Be brutally honest - Be honest about you, what you’re looking for, and what you need.

• Be yourself - Don’t be afraid to tell people what you want in fear that they’ll stop talking to you. If they do, then they’re not the one.

• Don’t miss out - Someone great might not initially check all of your boxes. People can and will surprise you.

• Be confident - Dare to go for what you want.

• Be positive - Don’t let your past experiences ruin your future happiness.

• Be Safe - Ask questions. Get to know them. Meet in a public place the first time.

• Drive - Heading across town doesn’t sound like much fun, especially if you’re in a city like Los Angeles, but ten miles is not too far if you're potentially meeting the love of your life. Listen to Audible on the way there and make good use of the time.

• Have fun!

back to our journal

What is codependency?

Codependency is a concept where a person excessively relies on their partner for meeting all of their emotional or psychological needs. They also feel responsible for their partner’s feelings and actions.

Codependents are often called “enablers” and they tend to find partners with addictive behaviors; which leads them to focus all of their attention on “fixing” them instead of focusing on themselves. They often suffer from low self-esteem and stay in relationships, even when abusive, because they feel depressed when they are alone for too long.

Where does it come from?

Codependency is usually developed in early childhood as a result of a dysfunctional home environment where a parent proves to be unreliable (usually due substance abuse). A child growing up in this environment assumes that the disruption is their fault and takes on the responsibility of fixing the problem, often developing “parentification,” or the reversal of the roles between a parent and a child.

Children that don’t feel secure in the parent-child relationship can’t grow to full psychological maturity. They often feel haunted by the possibility of abandonment, so they need to keep their parent happy in order to feel accepted.

In doing this they never seek their own emotional fulfillment. They enter adulthood with low self-worth, no sense of inner security, and seeking partners to fill the void. They cling to their partners with desperation as if it were love. But this is far from love, because you can never truly love anyone unless you love yourself first.

You can never truly love anyone unless you love yourself first

Symptoms

• Low Self-esteem / Perfectionism - You feel unloveable, like you’re never good enough. You’re super critical of yourself and feel the need to be perfect.
  

• Lack of Boundaries - You find yourself unable to say no in fear people might get upset with you. You feel responsible for other people’s problems and try to take them on as your own. Or you shut people out completely.
  

• Guilt - You feel guilty when you can’t fix other people’s problems.
  

• People Pleasing - You ignore your own needs and go out of your way to do good deeds for others, seeking their approval, but then feel resentful or taken advantage of.
  

• Intimacy Issues - This is at the heart of codependency, because of the fear of abandonment, betrayal and rejection.
  

• Dysfunctional Communication - You lie because you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings and keep quiet to avoid arguments.
  

• Dependency - You base your opinion of yourself on how others feel about you.
  

• Control - You need to feel like you have control over other people and situations.
  

Recovering from Codependency

In childhood you are stuck in your circumstance, but as an adult it is possible to fix your codependent behavior. The first step is recognizing codependent tendencies. Then, explore childhood issues or trauma and how they affect behaviors in your present life.

You can seek professional help, learn how to set healthy boundaries and develop long-term, meaningful relationships. Once you do, you will say goodbye to abusive behavior, walk away guilt-free from unhealthy relationships , and most importantly, learn to put yourself first.

Positive self-talk

Here are some mantras you can repeat to yourself anytime you are triggered or feel reactive.

• I am enough.

• I accept myself just how I am.

• It’s okay to say no.

• It’s okay to make mistakes.

• It’s not my job to fix others.

• It’s okay if others get angry.

• It’s not my job to take responsibility for others.

• It is my job to make me happy

• I have a right to feel my own feelings

When we learn to focus and work on ourselves, then we can begin to have deep and meaningful relationships based on love and respect.

back to our journal

A few years ago, my upstairs neighbor showed up at my door and asked if I wanted to go on an adventure.  I desperately needed a break from writing, so I said yes! And off we went.

We hopped on the train to Bar Jackalope in downtown Los Angeles, where they are known for having the best Old Fashioned in town. I’m not much of a bourbon person, but it was delicious!  Later, we found a concert, listened to a great local band, then headed back home. 

That spontaneous night brought me more happiness than things I’ve spent months planning. My visit to the Louvre, for instance, where the painting of the Mona Lisa looked tiny and rather unimpressive behind the large crowd of gawking tourists. I was bored.

How on earth could this unexpected adventure be more fun than being in Paris to see the Mona Lisa? One word, expectations.

A little science.

Science tells us that the brain stem, also known as the “lizard brain”, creates expectations to protect us from danger. It’s a built-in survival mechanism. For example, if we burn ourselves on a hot stove, the brain creates a new neural pathway to avoid pain. When we experience emotional pain, we avoid similar situations because they have hurt us in the past. It also works with happiness, to keep us moving towards pleasant situations that have made us happy before. And we tend to make future plans based on the assumption that they will make us happy again.

This works great for an infant or a child that is getting their bearings in an unfamiliar new world, but we are adults now. We have evolved into complex beings that require constant reevaluation of what works and what doesn’t.

When we continue to rely on past expectations, there’s no doubt we will be disappointed. Those expectations are based on an old version of us. One that doesn’t exist anymore. The only person you have to focus on is who you are right now. Right this moment.

To find happiness today, we must be fully present, free of expectation.

“Real happiness comes from a continuous effort to become the best possible version of yourself.”

- Aristotle

If we remain in the present, dealing with life as it comes - without expectation - we will grow out of our conditioning. We can then move beyond the lizard brain into the paleomammalian and neomammalian brain. More on those here.

The problem is, we tend to avoid growth because we don’t want to feel the pain attached to it. Our lizard brain is screaming, telling us that pain is bad. That it will hurt us and kill us.

But it won’t. That’s an old you. What about the new you?

Let go of the past, remove expectations and embrace the present. Your happiness awaits.

back to our journal

Ever wonder what the opposite sex is looking for? What we’re all really looking for?

The answer is pretty simple. It’s not money, sex, or a perfect mate. It’s connection.

We feel a sense of separation in modern life, which leads us to feeling alone and like part of us is missing. Most psychotherapists believe it starts in childhood when you realize that your parents are a separate entity from you. If, as a baby, you didn’t have a very intuitive mother or caregiver, you might’ve feel abandoned when they couldn’t guess what you need. Coming from the womb, where every need is taken care of, you feel this separation very deeply.

As we get older, we look for this connection in our potential mates. We seek to fill this void, distracting ourselves with sex and “love.” But what we really crave is connection. For someone to look us in the eye and validate our existence. To connect our deeper selves to the deeper self of the person in front of us.

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us ‘the universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest – a kind of optical illusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” – Albert Einstein

We go through life seeking things that will fill a void. And it’s okay because we don’t necessarily know why or what we are doing. But as you gain awareness of what’s going on inside, you realize that quick fixes are just that, quick. At some point the alcohol, love affairs, food, caffeine, sex, job or drugs will simply not work anymore to fill that void. There will come a point when all that will satiate that desire inside of you is connection.

The first, and most important, point of connection is to yourself. When you connect to how marvelous you are underneath all of the judgements you and society put on you, you will begin to feel the peace and joy of being alive. This is a fundamental step of becoming whole. When you become whole, a new and wonderful feeling will start to overtake you. You now have a desire to share that wholeness with others.

Let’s consider this in a romantic sense. You, now feeling whole, desire to give that love to someone else that is whole. Neither of you needs the other, but you still have a strong desire to share this feeling. And because both of you don’t need each other, but choose to be together, you have the beginnings of a healthy relationship. This is what they refer to when they say “my cup runneth over.” It simply means that you were already full on your own, then someone came along and poured more love and joy on top of you.

This concept of connecting to yourself is foundational for our process. When you clear out all of the baggage that is dragging you down and keeping you from becoming your biggest self, you step into a whole new life.

For a deeper look at how we clear out baggage, check out our Bridging Method.