The Lunatic Cafe

One of those days again

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:52:00 +0000

My moods are a lovely roller coaster ride in Hades. Let's be honest. I get random bad thoughts suddenly and my mood goes from perky to depressed in a blink of an eye.

Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo. Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing. He knew something was up and asked what happened. I told him. Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them. Except I can't.

I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down. All because of my fantabulous imagination. I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting. The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.

It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare. My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up. I don't want to take anything. I want to get this under control on my own. I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed. You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.

It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.

I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy. Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.

Too good to not share

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:45:00 +0000

I can't come up with a description or an introduction to this article and picture that will do it justice. This is NOT SAFE FOR WORK or children or anyone with an embarrassment to body parts...

Oh and I'm considering having my friend that bakes cakes for a living make me some of these so I can torture Bo...mwuahahaha.

Look at your own risk,

Testing something

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:10:00 +0000

If I get a little quiet there's a reason.

And it's not because I've ran out of things to blog about, it's the exact opposite. This blog is my therapy so to speak. It's where I come to bitch, or have break downs cause of the OCD/depression/anxiety. No matter how hard I try to write about other things, it never feels right. It's like if this were a book blog and I suddenly started posting things on brain surgery. It doesn't feel right. I'm seeing hardly any traffic lately and the comments are about dried up (not that I blog for either). I know why. I see why. My posts are sucking majorly, because although I try to write about something else, I just can't do it any justice...not here anyway.

So I created something new. Something that doesn't make me feel all down and blue whenever I log into it. I don't feel the need to talk about OCD or depression only. I don't feel like I'm cheating somehow by wanting to write a post about couponing or cooking or trying to get myself organized. I don't feel like I've already failed before I even start writing, like I do here.

That doesn't mean this blog is being shut down, cause it's not. I still need it. I'll still post. I just don't want to hate blogging....and I have for a while now. I hate that I don't feel like I can write about something I want to write about on my own blog. I don't know why that is, but it is and I've fought it long and hard, but it hasn't changed anything. I want to come here for the times I need it, I want to share tips and articles and even books about my issues, but I find it hard to do that when I have all these other things I'd like to blog about too.

Anyway, this is just a test. This new blog may not last long. But I wanted to give it a try anyway and see where it lead me.

If your curious it's here...figured I might as well use it since we created it for the website that is still sitting there collecting dust...maybe this will be what I do with it...who knows.

Simple

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:29:00 +0000

Simplicity is what I need.

I tend to OCD things to death and turn them into things the size of Texas. Which stresses me out. Get's my anxiety going in high gear. And leaves me standing at the end of the day with nothing accomplished.

Last week I was determined not to do this. I needed a week of stress free cleaning and it wasn't exactly easy, with all the distractions and days of little to nothing done, but I managed to keep going anyway. I made sure my lists were small. That I stayed clear of my master list unless I needed it. I focused on what I needed to do that day only. Of course I also didn't do my routines, so the dishes piled up quickly and so did the laundry.

This week I'm using what I did last week and improving it. You see I focused on the decluttering and forgot everything else, right down to reading the book for Literary Escapism. I struggled with dinner because OMG it wasn't on my list and we ended up eating out way too much. That's OCD for ya.

My lists are going to remain small, 5 items only a day, plus my three recurring daily tasks. But I'm going to make sure I include things like clipping coupons, reading my book, entering in author tour dates for LE, my own writing, research etc. It's something I've said many times that I need to do, but I never put these things on my list. Not sure why I skipped over it and hoped I would just remember and do it. I don't work like that, I know this...

Simplicity and focus. That's what I'm working on this week. And if this week turns into a month, so be it. I am getting no where in my life doing things the old way. I'm not teaching my kids good habits. I'm teaching them to procrastinate. That stress is normal. They have no responsibilities really, to build confidence and self worth. And I really don't want them to turn into me when they grow up. Spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do, where to go and what I want. OCD isn't the entire problem...

The day after

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:25:00 +0000

We walk into the living room this morning and every single balloon is on the floor (we always get one of those box 'o balloon things of like 250 balloons and helium). The table still has her Princess table cloth on it. There are cake crumbles all over the tables, and floors. My clean tables and floors...sigh. Wrapping paper was crammed into a pile near the fire place, the cat needed a bed apparently (the cat did this, not the kids). And my nephews walker is covered in cracker crumbs and cake and ice cream splatters.

I'm sure your wondering why we didn't clean this up last night. Well we did clean up, we threw away the plates and cups, put up all the snacks, etc. But then our bodies went OMFG stop, stop right now I cannot do any more, we are going to plop down on that couch right there and STAY THE FUCK PUT UNTIL BEDTIME! And so we did.

The kids refused to put themselves to bed. The audacity.

So in the dark, rainy light of today, the mess awaits me. It's not a big mess, I don't have piles of dishes to worry about or anything else really to distract me. Which means I'm not going 'well if I clean this, that doesn't get cleaned' over and over until I can't breath and my fingers are all tingly. I can breathe and I can see where to go/start. It's nice.

Oh and the party, there was 5 kids under the age of 6, 4 of those being boys, three of them mobile, my parents, his parents, his brother and his wife, were all in the house. And I survived it. I was not stressed or anxious or overwhelmed by the noise and all the bodies in my house. Nope, not even for a second. It wasn't until after they all left that I was like huh what do you know. I think it's the house, the size and how it's laid out. Even with everyone in the dining room and living room, they are connected without much of a wall separating them, it didn't feel claustrophobic at all.

Show of hands?? Yup I made it to the other side whole and intact. And oddly enough with energy today.

Stay tuned...

Are you curious?

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:23:00 +0000

Did we get the stuff done in time?

Yes! And no...shut your trap it's a great thing.

I wanted to make sure that we were not stressed by doing a little every day so the last two days weren't a crazy cleaning frenzy. Except Saturday and Sunday were total losses, nothing got done. We sat down and decided what the priorities were, what could be put on the back burner and do if we had time. And we stuck to it. The only thing that didn't get done was vacuuming the living room again, and ONLY because BIL and his wife and kids showed up 45 minutes early, (I was actually on my way to put the cat up and grab the vacuum). SIL has cat allergies, and so do two of the three boys. The poor baby (8 months) was all snotty and puffy eyes by the time they left. Other than that, all was done and ready to go.

Can I get a hell yeah?!?!

We are normally cleaning right up until the last minute, we have to hastily put out all the birthday decorations and presents once everyone is here and hope we got everything cleaned or no one notices. Still 45 minutes until the party, all that was left was putting up the decorations and vacuuming, is amazeballs for us.

If I wasn't so freaking tired I'd do a dance. A jig out in my front yard, naked as a Jay bird, singing Your Mama Don't Dance by Poison. Anyone with me?

Tomorrow starts a new goal...OMG did I just say that...Yuppers I did.

Happy Birthday to a squirrley nutball

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:42:00 +0000

On this day 3 years ago, a crazy thing happened. Out popped this little, squished up baby girl who had defied us all from day she was conceived. I knew from the get go she was going to be something else. A flying by the seat of her pants kinda chick. Bo laughed and said I was just being funny. No one really believed me.

But now they do.

Jocelyn does things by her own rules. Who says she can't eat toothpaste? Who says she can't pretend a tire from her brother's toy car can't be her pretend gum? A pen/marker/crayon is for writing on things with, there are no safe surfaces. A toy in her sight is hers. Or a car. Or a horse. Or a tractor. Or an airplane. Anything is hers if she can see it. Letters and numbers are so beneath her. Nope she'd rather watch Backyardigans or play with her baby dolls. Just because there's a door and she's been told do not enter, that doesn't mean anything to her. Nope she'll sneak in, swipe something and run away giggling like the little clepto maniac that she is. And you can't trust a word she says. She'll tell you stories of her pet giraffe that lives in her room. She'll tell you Bailey just hit her or stomped on her foot, except he's at school. 'Mama! Mama! There's a bug over dere'...'No Jocelyn that's a lego'....'No Mama that's a bug'.

She's a clepto and compulsive liar with no fear.

She's the kid who would grab an umbrella and jump off a roof to see if she could fly.

She's the kid who would sneak over to touch that hot stove when she was just told not to.

She's the kid who would not leave knicknacks alone. Nope she'd take them to her room, hide them until you forget about them, then color them with markers, and return them to where she found them.

She's THAT girl.

But good gravy she's funny as hell.

She's got her Mama's mouth. Which we all cringe at. When I was little I'd tell everyone my daddy was fat and lazy, and Daddy is goofy enough to have thought it was funny. And guess what?? She thinks so too. 'See those cows over dere? Those cows are lazy. Papa is lazy like those cows', she said to us so seriously just this weekend. He was so proud when we told him, then told us that that's not the first time she's said that very thing. And to think, we do not encourage her or even call my dad lazy. Her comedic timing is dead on, and keeps us in tears. And that smile she gives, or that giggle, like she knows she's good, how could you doubt her? She gets on to Bailey as if she's me, using my tone, my 'Mama face', my words, the whole bit. She's a miniature me when it comes to her mouth. But she loves her babies and takes really good care of them, even if they are always naked. She cuddles with her brother every chance she gets...of course she also steals his toys when he's not looking but whatever.

She's madly in love with Bailey and her daddy, me well she tolerates most of the time. Her day doesn't begin until Bailey gets home, and then it's like an explosion of Jocelyn when Daddy walks in the door. No one plays like Bailey. No one does pony rides like Daddy. It's the sweetest, cutest thing to watch her light up when the boys are home.

She adores girly things. Pink. Sparkly. SHOOOOES! But don't you dare touch her hair.

I can go on, this does not scratch the surface of my baby girl, not eeeven close. But I've got things to do and a certain birthday girl to cover with kisses.

Happy Birthday Jocelbean! You are our squirrely nutball. You make us laugh and shake our heads and dread you growing older because your only going to get better/worse the bigger you get. Not sure we can handle it LOL. Your our star, our rainbow baby, our sparkler on the 4th of July. We love you more than words can say...

PS...promise me you'll be potty trained this year?? Mama is so done with diapers it's not even funny.

Party Prep Day 5,6,7

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:04:00 +0000

Ok so back to this whole cleaning thing.

Friday was awesome, Bo and I got a lot done. The house looks so much better, even though all the detail cleaning stuff is still left to do. I swear that I work better with him home. I feel better, I have more energy and more determination when I know something needs to be done. Yuppers, we knocked off a lot of things on the list on Friday.

Which is a good thing because yesterday we spent the whole day, and way too much driving, tracking down Jocelyn's birthday gift, her very own Barbie Jeep. I'm still iffy on this as a gift, the girl does not turn for anything. Dogs. People....fences. But Bailey got his at 3, and she loves it so...this may kick us in the ass later.

And today was spent at my parents house. All day. We got a load of dishes and a load of laundry done. That's it. Damnit three hundred and sixty-five times.

There is still time, it's only 7pm. We could manage a some more cleaning before bedtime....maybe.

Egg donor

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:27:00 +0000

You know how some 'men', and I use that term loosely because having a penis and balls does not make you a man, are labeled sperm donors? Here's a new on, an egg donor.

Here is the proof. Read it. All of it. All the comments and BS this egg donor left on her daughter's blog. It's absolute filth. Nothing but lies.

I have met this woman. I have seen her snotty ass in the flesh, and that of her bitch born daughter Elisha. Who is such a lovely spawn....The day she met me you know what she did? It was the day Miss and Seth were moving to California, I was pregnant (the first miscarriage, and wasn't supposed to lift anything) and so I was sitting on a chair outside the apartment. This girl sits down next to me and starts complaining and whining about Miss and saying all kinds of mean and hateful things about her. Complains of them having to help her, as if the idea of helping anyone, most especially her sister, was absurd. She didn't lift a finger that day that I can remember, and acted as if she was being forced to do all the work. Oh and that entire day she was being an absolute jerk toward me for no reason whatsoever.

Take it back, yeah she did have a reason, I was Miss' friend and was defending her, and Elisha was and still is, just a selfish, spoiled brat/bitch.

And the mom, Deenna, don't even get me started on her fake as hell 'sweet and loving' mom routine. You ever been around someone that was clearly fake? So fake it was like acid dripping out of her mouth when she spoke kindly to you? That's her. To a T. I remember thinking how the crap did Miss come out normal that day, over and over. And the stories I have heard, and the proof I have seen with my own eyes, has kept that thought bouncing in my head ever since.

Then they go and do this shit.

What kind of 'loving' mother does that?

What kind of person DOES THAT to someone?

An egg donor, that's who.

Miss has had it rough, rougher than most of the people I know, she's one tough cookie but doesn't see it. I love this girl, she's my sister by choice and I would do anything for her. So while I feel bad bashing my best friends mom and sister here, it's 100% truth, and Miss DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. I'm posting about it because I want this woman to see what support really is. What love really is. What kindness really is from someone who does it out of the goodness of their heart, not for attention for themselves. I doubt she ever understands. I seriously doubt she'll ever 'see' what she's done and continues to do. I could be wrong, but her track record clearly says she can't grasp this concept.

I'm infuriated to say the least that her 'mother', most especially, has stooped to this level. At anytime this is beyond disgusting, but right now as she's in the beginning of a divorce, it's just down right cruel. There's no reason to do this EVER. Only a cold hearted, cruel egg donor does this to someone.

I'm happy to say that we have her back, her friends and I, those who actually love and care for her. And we will not let this shit fly anymore.

Oh and if either of you are reading this, feel free to leave a comment full of your lies and excuses. Just remember you have no power over me, and your words are nothing more than word vomit. But it sure as hell will make me giggle.

Party Prep Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:54:00 +0000

Goals:
Find all Legos and cars a home
Organize books in M. Bedroom
Clean off top of fridge
Organize Coupon Corner (better than saying that messy stack of papers in the corner of the dining room...that takes over two chairs and part of the floor)
Clean living room (vacuum, dust, windows, etc)

Day 4 went better in ways, thankfully. I had to shorten up the lego and car hunt to what we could find in 20 minutes cause the kids became terd nuggets and I refuse to be stressed out about this. I cleaned up the living room a little and they drug crap back in...so I gave up for the day knowing Bo had Friday through Wednesday off to help me tackle stuff...and it would just get dirty again anyway as is their determination.

The two things that took me the longest were my books and coupons. I spent a good hour or more on coupons and when I started planning the book situation I realized that I didn't have enough time or Bo's help to pull it off. BUT I did start piles and separated things to make it easier once he could help.

So even though it was tough with the kids and their attitudes, I still put a good sized dent in these things. Day 5 is going so much easier thanks to what I did do yesterday, yippee!

Party Prep Day 3

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:25:00 +0000

Goals:
Clean coat closet
Organize entertainment center
Pick up trash/things don't belong in each room
Find all cars and legos a home
Organize books in M. Bedroom.

Three out of five aint bad. That's what I'm going to tell myself...over and over.

Yesterday my stomach was NOT happy for reasons unknown to me other than to throw another kink in my goals. The first three items were done in a blur, mixed with trips to pay taxes to the John about every 10 minutes, all before 11am. Which is awesome, but that's where it all stopped. The last two tasks weren't even attempted. By that time I was exhausted, feeling like I'd been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat, and needed some online games to self medicate. Then Bo got home late, it was bath night and I didn't get a night off...again.

Massive kink.

In my day.

Again.

Sigh.

It's now Thursday, Day 4, and my last day alone to get as much done before the real cleaning begins. My master list is still a mile long...looks like we'll be having a full weekend of lots and lots of cleaning. Damnit 40 times.

Party Prep Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:47:00 +0000

Goals:
Clean coat closet
Pick up trash in each room
Find all cars and legos and give them a home.
Organize Coupon Corner (better than saying that messy stack of papers in the corner of the dining room...that takes over two chairs and part of the floor)
Organize books in M. bedroom....somehow
Organize entertainment center

Well Day 2 was a bust. NOTHING got done. And I am more than happy to blame Bo, cause it's all his fault. First he sends me a message at 9am that I need to remember my coupons (clipping, throwing out expired and most importantly go use them!). I informed him I have stuff to do and that is sorta on my list, I'll get it when I get to it. This conversation spiraled out of control until somehow we decided I was going to go have lunch with him.

This is a 20 minute drive in high traffic. I'm driving Bo's big Dodge Ram. I have crap depth perception. I get anxious driving, especially with the kids.
...sorry BAD video but it's all I could find...it does the job anyway.

It was 10 by the time we decided to do this. I was wearing an old faded/stained t-shirt and my dirty hair was under an OU hat. I could go into Walgreens looking like that but not the office. Those people actually care about appearances. I washed my hair, fixed it, and my face, got dressed, all very slowly because of my nerves. By the time I was done it was 11:40 (normally maybe an hour is all I need), and although I was so hungry I could eat our polar bear, I was also about to toss my breakfast.

And then I had to get in the truck.

And drive through traffic.

Did I mention the truck and no depth perception?

My knuckles were white as snow the whole ride, and by the time I got there my heart was going 90 to nothing as if I'd ran the whole way. I HATE DRIVING THAT TRUCK IN TRAFFIC OMFG! Lunch with my honey was great, amazing Chinese food I'd gladly get fluffier for, followed by Shake's Frozen Custard which I'd gladly get fluffier for.

And then I had to get in the truck...again.

And drive through traffic...again.

Lunch didn't sit well, but I kept it down, thank all things holy. Picked up Bailey from school, then I plopped my shaky butt down on the couch and stayed there. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically after all that.

I was very disappointed when I went to bed. This is what usually happens, something will drop in my lap and it's like everything else falls away. Especially if it's something that gets my nerves a rolling. It is annoying and upsetting that I'm not good with jumping back in after a distraction. Ok so maybe it's more like I am not able to. It sucks. It's frustrating and it's why I keep going in damn circles.

I hate circles.

Party Prep Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Goals
Clean under couches and cushions
Pick up laundry in all bedrooms

Yesterday I felt pretty icky, the list was short and sweet on purpose. Then I waited until after Bailey came home from school to start them, which was a BAD idea, and I know better. It was a struggle to do what I did, so let's just be proud shall we?

I had planned on taking pictures of our Couch Treasure Hunt, except there were no batteries in my camera and none to be found in the junk drawer. Don't you hate that? We found two shoes, both mine, one was a flip flop and one was a pink croc (which I only bought like 2 yaars ago while on vacation and haven't worn them since and I'm damn near positive I threw them away when we moved), I think a certain ankle biter was stealing my shoes again. We also found: string cheese wrappers, 2 book marks, 4 pens, 100 lincoln logs, toy car parts, 4 bouncy balls,a Pepsi bottle and a bill...

I was so excited last week to see that Mt. Washmore was about 2 loads maaaybe 3 loads away from being caught up for the first time since like 2005. And now I'm sad to say, after picking up all the laundry in our rooms and closets that's not the case anymore. I have two full/over flowing dirty laundry baskets...I wanna cry.

Day 1 down. Day 2, bring it on.

Not a joke, I promise

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:57:00 +0000

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing. Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house. And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean. It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices. I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have. I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready. I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself. Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it. It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

My dream day would include a pin, paper and Henry Cavill wearing nothing but a smile and standing front of me...

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 19:09:00 +0000

I am not in the mood to read. Not one itsy bitsy bit. I have two books I'm supposed to be reading, and blogs I haven't even looked at in weeks. And yet, any time I try no matter if it's a book, blog or a recipe, the words get lost somewhere in my brain and all I retain is gibberish. Picture the teacher from Peanuts in her 'whack whack' language. That's exactly what I hear/read.

I think the problem is I haven't been writing enough, so whenever I sit down to write I think of all the other things I need to do. I need to clean the house, take care of Jocelyn and Bailey, fix dinner, and read/review books, etc. I do goof off on Facebook FAR too much, but for the most part my day is covered on things I need to do that involve the happiness of other people. Because if I do start writing, I go off in Nikki Land and don't return until someone knocks me on my butt. I think...going out on a limb here, cause I've never thought this before....that one of the reasons I'm so scattered with my daily tasks and getting things accomplished is I still haven't mastered putting me in my day. I've stopped taking my night off for one thing. It started with Bo being sick and I had to take care of the kids, to me being sick and then things started happening on Wednesday night without fail to the point that I forgot to take my night off. This Wednesday nothing prevented me from doing it, but I didn't and didn't even think about it until this morning. When I was like fuck a duck, I didn't get a night off this week...or last week or the week before or...damnit three times when was my last night off???

I'm thinking November....

You know where my brain goes when I start reading or doing something? I start thinking that if only I could devout that time to my writing. Or organizing my pictures on my laptop. Or research something all day or any of the other number of things I'd love to, that's just for little 'ol me. Why am I still doing laundry? Why am I still doing the dishes? I don't give a rat's ass the floor needs to be swept and hasn't for like two weeks, I WANT TO WRITE ALL DAY DAMN YOU. And then I walk away to goof off on my laptop, get angry get up and try to do something again...only to have the process start over.

Le sigh.

I think my inner drama queen is getting anxious to get this book written and done with and nothing is making her happy until it happens. It's like I can, for the first time ever, see the book being done. It's not an I wish I could make it happen thing, it's an I know I can make it happen if I just had the time.

It's too bad I can't afford a maid or a babysitter or a driver to cover those things for me to give me some space and quiet time and less things to worry about.

Anyone willing to donate a dollar to the 'Nikki needs assistants so she can write the damn book already Fund'. I promise you'll get a free book if you do ;)...or at least a mention in the dedications.

His first phone call

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:30:00 +0000

Yesterday I got this call:

'Ma'am can I speak to your son' this little voice asked

Thinking it may be a wrong number I asked 'What is his name?'

'Um, I don't remember' was the voices awkward reply.

Then his mother gets on the line and tells me her son Jack got a phone number from his friend at school and was so excited to call it that he forgot who gave it to him. I gave her Bailey's name and when she asked Jack if that was his friend I hear this 'Yeah that's it! It's Bailey!' yippee type squeal in the background and a commotion followed by her laughing.

When Bailey got on the phone the cuteness factor skyrocketed. You would have thought the boy had never spoke on a phone before! Everytime Jack said something, Bailey had to tell me. I had to say 'Talk to Jack' over and over, although now that I think about it didn't do me any. It was obvious it was important to him that I be aware of the conversation. I had to know the joke he just told him and that he was talking about what they did in class. You know, quantum theory and solving the worlds greatest mysteries and all. The call ended with Jack asking Bailey if he would play with him on the playground today at school, he said yes and then Jack was all 'Bye' and hung up.

'I guess he hung up Mama' Bailey said as he waved my cell phone in the air in this confused, I don't know what just happened way. And he was off to play, as if nothing happened.

I sat there giggling for a few seconds at this 3 minute phone call of awkwardness I just witnessed when it hit me. My son just had his first phone call from a friend. My insides got all squirmy, my eyes filled up tears...and then another thought hit. Oh jeepers play dates. I. Am. Screwed. Six. Ways. To. Sunday.

Admitting I have a problem

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:23:00 +0000

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism. If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us. I LOVE me some BDB!

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas. It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to. Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'. Your palms get sweaty. Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat. You get hot yet cold all at the same time. You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence. And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle. Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved. You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book. I'm gone. I cannot help it. And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own. It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right. Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time. My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

Waving a finger at 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:25:00 +0000

It's Tuesday, January 3, and the holidays and 2011 are officially over!!! HOT DAMN!!!

Did you survive?

Did you start a new hobby to help you manage the stress...like drinking?

Mine is curling myself up in a fetal position and singing the Backyardigans theme song before I go to bed. It's quite calming.

I woke up this morning and was like aaaahhhh life is about to go back to normal now. Bo went back to work today, Bailey goes back to school tomorrow and I'll be left alone with Squirley the screwnugget all day trying desperately to get/keep my house clean. Although I'm looking around now and realizing, I have been cleaning a lot over the past week and the house looks way better. Merry Christmas to me!

2011 was a rough year for me emotionally. It was a full year that I was not on happy pills and let me just say OMFG I understand why those little bastards were invented. If I liked the dazed and confused feeling they give me I'd get back on those suckers right now. But I'm still iffy on them, and still wanting to do this on my own. Who knows I may stop being stubborn in 2012 and take them again. It was the year Jocelyn completely confirmed my suspicions that she really is a flying by the seat of her pants kinda girl. She ate toothpaste, vitamins, and any piece of food she found on the floor. Anything is her sucker, including toy hammers and hangers. She's a sneaky, mouthy, dominating klepto. WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE BUNGHOLE is our new slogan. It was the year Bailey's attitude/emotions/anger seemed to blow up suddenly into something we had never witnessed before and was frightening coming out of a 6 year old. Thankfully we were able to beat him into submission, which I plan on sharing tips with you now that I know it works. It involves duct tape and laffy taffy, it's totally legit. Oh please shut your pie hole, it's actually a rather clever book that really has changed things. 2011 was the year I became a great aunt, and I'm now known as Auntie Niknak...no one has jumped on the bandwagon yet but I'm persistent, it will happen damnit. There's more, but it's early, the coffee hasn't kicked in so I'm moving on.

To say I'm glad 2011 is over is sugar coating things. I'm fucking thrilled. The above paragraph may seem bright and shiny but honestly, it wasn't. I was stressed out, depressed, OCD'ing like a crankwhore, and all around screwed up last year. I saved you all the trouble of having to read about it too often...you are very welcome. And now instead of reliving those bad moments, I'd rather be funny. Laughter is much easier to hear than crying. My hopes for 2012 is that all things get under control, or at least more manageable than they were last year.

I'm leaving you with a song. It's inspiring. It's poignant.

What?! Were you expecting something serious? You really don't know me.....

What a day...

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:57:00 +0000

I got news this morning that one of my uncles passed away, it was cancer.

My first thought was for my aunt, my Mama's sister, and all their kids, grandkids and great grandkids. How hard today is for all of them and how there's nothing I can do. A hug and an apology doesn't really help on days like today. My heart goes out to them anyway, losing a family member is tough, when it's a parent it's crippling.

My next thought was that I barely knew this man and considering he was on the side of the family that spent holidays together and weekend gatherings and yearly reunions, that's crazy. I saw him a lot growing up and yet I don't know him well. He was a quiet man for the most part, he and my dad would set and talk but I don't remember ever having many conversations with him myself. He was cooky and quiet my Uncle Troy, or at least that's how I remember him. I may not have known him enough but he was my uncle, and I still love him and will miss him.

Then my cousin pointed something out that well I'm still in shock over. Twelve years ago my grandma died on this day, my uncle (her son) died almost to the hour one year later. Now it's Uncle Troy. On top of that it's my aunt's birthday, who was married to my uncle who passed 11 years ago AND it's my oldest sister's birthday...what are the odds?

When Uncle Merle died we all said Grandma just wanted him home with her. Maybe they were lonely and wanted Troy with them too..;).

This song was one of Grandma's favorites, she used to say that Vince Gill was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen and heard. It makes me think of you Grandma, Merle and now you Troy, every time I hear it.

Goodbye Uncle Troy, you were and still are loved by those who knew you and you will be missed.

Newest review for you!

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:04:00 +0000

My latest find is James R. Tuck, which you MUST put on your to read/buy list or else we cannot be friends. I've just read his novella That Thing at the Zoo and it ROCKS. My only complaint was I got addicted from page 1 and it was over too soon. Luckily I had his book Blood and Bullets to read...did you see the date??? I got to read it before it was released!! How spiffy is that?!?! Anyhizzle, I haven't finished that review yet, you'll be seeing it soon promise, but I am hooked. I am itching to see the rest of the series and I would gladly take them NOW if Mr. Tuck would let me have them.

Imagine LKH's Anita Blake with actual balls, with a little bit of Blade (the first movie) and some tenderness thrown in for good measure and you have Deacon Chalk. It's amazballs. You must read it when it is released!

Paul Bunyan style

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 16:03:00 +0000

Because neither of us could come up with things we wanted for Xmas, we decided we'll just go all nerd on the holiday and get ourselves some new cookware. We've been needing to for a while now, so why not?

You see this pan? This pan right haaayere, is appropriately named of Paul Bunyan. See, I have a 10 inch skillet that I love because it's easy to clean and cooks evenly, but it's only big enough for things like scrambled eggs or sauteing a small batch of veggies, it's not deep enough for my cooking. I wanted something big enough to handle the recipes I make. This bad boy is 14 inches, and in my head I thought 'that would be perfectly big enough to make blah blah blah'.

When it arrived yesterday I damn near peed myself. This is the biggest damn pan in the world I tell you! Prove me wrong! I'm curious and excited to actually cook with it. I'm also itching to see what kind of objects I can fit into it...like the cat or letting Frost use it as a beanie. But there's this part of me that is afraid and wondering if I should just send it back and get it's younger brother.

Piece of advice

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:47:00 +0000

Don't take a unisom and then make yourself stay awake. I'm here to tell you, that shit will kick your ass.

I took one last night because sleep has once again gone on vacation. Bo actually had the bright idea for me to take it and since I WANT sleep like I WANT Henry Cavill naked between my sheets, I agreed. The problem was, I had stuff cooking on Cafe World that wasn't ready yet and wouldn't be for 2 1/2 hours. I took it anyway, this stuff barely works so it won't hurt anything. Riiight.

By the time I went to bed, I was loopy, not in a 'I'm so high I think I can fly' loopy way, but a 'weeeee I feel so relaxed that a herd of elephants could stampeded right next to me and I wouldn't care' way. That's where the fun stopped though. I remember being awake all night and tossing and turning every few minutes because I couldn't get comfortable. Since I pulled a muscle in my back a few days ago, most movement hurts like a bitch, so I'd have to relax my muscles after every move but then I'd get relaxed and still not be comfy...and I'd move again. (In the midst of my fitful sleep, he was doing his normal routine of touching me inappropriately and pulling my pants down.) According to Bo, I woke up every 5 minutes or so to move but I'd fall right back to sleep. His proof? I was snoring. He says I did this until about 2am because that was the last time he checked the clock, after that I finally slept. Except I do not feel like it and you cannot convince me I actually slept last night.

Waking me up wasn't pretty. He says he tried everything and I wouldn't respond; I don't remember any of it. He finally got me to respond by kissing me like a crazy person but only with small uh huh moans. Getting desperate he thought of the one way he knows to wake me up...to de-pants me and start kissing my butt. Yeah, resourceful little shit aint he? I barely remember him doing this, until I guess I reached my ass kissing threshold because I was instantly pissed and started yelling at him. I called him a perv and said he tormented me with that shit enough in the night he had no right or reason to do that to wake me up. I told him to get a wet wash cloth next time, anything but THAT. He happily obliged after I'd reamed him a new one, all while my eyes were still cemented shut. The rag helped, him making me talk helped and I eventually started waking up.

I could be wrong but I think this process started at 7am, once he realized I wasn't waking up any time soon he took Bailey to school and came back about 7:35 or thereabouts and tried again. It was 8:30 before I finally woke up and got out of bed.

I'm on my second giant mug of coffee, and peeps I feel like if I lay my head down I'd be out cold in seconds.

Lesson learned, we don't fuck with sleeping pills OMFG!!

Turning 30

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:23:00 +0000

I remember about 13 years or so ago (totally can't remember, how's that for getting old hehe) when my BIL turned 30. He was distraught and not happy at all. I remember giving him a hard time about it right along with everyone else. If I think a little harder, most of the people I've witnessed who've hit 30 has thrown a fit or been depressed about it. Like my other BIL, who once Bailey was born swore he'd never have another birthday again (Bailey was born on his birthday) since it was no longer his so he could avoid hitting 30.

My 30th birthday is coming in February and Bo's is in April, and I'm here to tell you it's not THAT bad. I think these two boys especially are just whiny bitches. I again quote my grandma, you are only as old as you feel, and age isn't everything. I don't feel old and I don't feel like crying because I'm about to turn the BIG 3-0. I think the funniest part about our birthdays this year is not whining and throwing fits to show his brother and my BIL what big babies they were when they hit 30.

Bring on the black balloons and 'Older Than Dirt' signs all you want, you won't see us crying.

And because we're about to turn 30, I thought we should have a big 'ol bash to celebrate. Neither of us have had a birthday party since we've been married...yeah we suck. What's even worse is our short list of friends to invite. I came up with the fab idea of having an all 80's party right down to the music and fashion. Bo just rolled his eyes at me. The nerve.

So I'm asking all you wonderful people, what did you do on your 30th? I'm looking for ideas and inspiration, because I think we both need a big celebration this year.

Down with the sickness

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:50:00 +0000

Or so I hope.

We have been sick for forever over here, well minus Bo the lucky bastard didn't catch it. It took me fully waking up today to realize that my head didn't feel like it was floating away or that my ear isn't pounding and all whooshing with every movement.

I'd jump for joy, but I've looked around this house and once again, with me off duty it's a disaster. Yay!

So um...yeaaah

noreply@blogger.com (Nikki) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:10:00 +0000

If anyone missed the interview with Nancy Gideon and are curious about what went down, you can download it and listen to it here, just scroll down to the bottom half of the page, it's at the top of the list.

Let me see if I can explain how yesterday went properly. One, I felt pretty bad with the sinus pressure and by the afternoon dizziness had kicked in. Two, Bailey was still sick and Jocelyn is cutting her back teeth as well as sniffy and snotty herself, aka cranky kids. Three, about 5pm Bo sends me a message saying a server has died and since they don't have a backup of this particular server, they'll have to build it somehow to get by for the time being and that could take anywhere from an hour to 3 or more. Which would, more than likely, mean he would be getting home after the interview started.

So not only did I feel poorly, with two kids feeling poorly, made dinner half assed (that we didn't eat btw), I'd be putting them to bed alone and holding out hope that somehow a miracle would happen that they'd stay in bed and I could join in 30 - 45 minutes after the interview began. I won't lie, I thought for sure the anxiety would get the better of me and I'd have to beg Jackie to handle this without me. I never once thought I'd get swarmed with things that could keep me from it, and boy I was not happy at all yesterday as the minutes ticked down to the interview.

I got lucky because Bo left work fifteen till 8, and with a 20 minute drive I was going to miss only a little of the interview. I was stoked, let me tell you. This is where things got cooky. I was on the phone with Bo trying to listen to him and a headphone in the other ear trying to listen to the interview. For the first 10 minutes of both, I have no clue what was said. But I tried. He got in the door, I gave him a kiss and ran upstairs, barely telling the kids good night. Seconds later I ran back down the stairs...and again a few minutes later because I had forgotten things like my charger...and phone.

And that's when things got um really really cooky. I'm a talker, and when I get anxious I barely breath with all the word vomit that pours out. But last night I was unable to speak. I was just sitting there listening to all the fabulous questions Jackie (owner of Literary Escapism) had thinking how crumby my questions were compared. It took me until near the very end of the hour and a half interview to actually speak and ask a question. I was all EEEEE I finally opened my mouth yay! I asked a total of 4 questions...sigh. It could have been worse, I could have been talking 90 to nothing and not letting anyone else speak.

Even with all the problems and the fact that suddenly this Chatty Cathy was turned into a shy mouse, the interview was a lot of fun. I would do it again, but I am going to listen to each of the interviews done so far to come up with much better questions for next time. After discussing this world of Nancy's, it has me extra excited to get her next book, Hunter of Shadows in my hand and I'm sure I'll be jumping at any noise outside in hopes it's the postman.