The MacTavish Chronicles

"The Cleanse Diet" or "How I Lived Without Bacon for Seven Days"

2011-03-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that Mrs. MacT is a vegetarian. Technically she's an ovo-lacto vegetarian, which means she eats dairy and egg. By most standards, she's a vegetarian and has been since college.  But I knew this when we met. It wasn't as if she surprised me three years into our marriage, suddenly switching sides in the middle of the game. I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought.

Since our nuptials it has been an implicit, mutual understanding that I wouldn't attempt to sway her back to the omnivore side, and she would not attempt to turn me into a kale slurping, lentil eater. So far it has worked fairly well. Even during pregnancy cravings when she talked about buffalo wings non-stop for three weeks, I held up my end of the agreement by eating them in the other room. And bless her malnourished little heart, she is happy to prepare animal-based dishes for me and the little MacTs.

However recently, Mrs. MacT read a book about a dietary "cleanse" and for reasons beyond my comprehension, I decided to accompany her on this journey through gastronomic hell.  And though this cleanse technically allows for some meat, I feel like I'm dangerously close to other side, albeit temporarily.

So why am I embarking on this little adventure? I honestly have no clue. I already consider myself a healthy person; I work out regularly, eat very little processed or unhealthy food and haven't seen the inside of a McDonald's since 1987. I do have my vices, like anyone. And this is where this little challenge will get tough, even though it's only for seven days.  I love coffee (32 oz per day like clockwork)- no caffeine. I love scotch (not to the point of singing, dancing, crying or fighting but I enjoy a good dram of single malt weekly, especially when I write)- no alcohol. I love bacon (do I need to explain why?)- no bacon. In fact, this cleanse goes beyond detoxification of free radicals and also forbids foods that are normally considered healthy; bananas, oranges, strawberries, tomatoes, Captain Crunch...you get the picture.

For the next seven days, I'll be feasting primarily on lentils, quinoa, broccoli, kale, grean tea, brown rice, rice milk, apples, almonds and coldwater fish- whatever that is.

At the end of seven days, I hope to have regained some natural energy, rejuvenated my body's ability to heal itself, improved my general sense of well being, and added four inches to my vertical leap. At least that's what the book promises. Time will tell. In the meantime:

Goodnight coffee
Goodnight moon
Goodnight cow made of cheeseburgers jumping over the moon
Goodnight scotch, and the glass of Harpoon....

This is making me a little sad. More to come...

Charlie Sheen is in Fact- Winning

2011-03-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked back at a particular moment in history and thought, "Boy did society get that wrong. What the hell were those people thinking? Slavery? The Inquisition? Parachute pants?"

We've all been quick to point and snicker at the one ring circus that is Charlie Sheen's life. But I have a nagging feeling folks, that we're going to look back at this at some point and realize Charlie was right. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next year, or in the next 20 years. It may not even be before the Cubs win another World Series. But mark my words, eventually this Inconvenient Truth Torpedo will tear a hole in our collective stern larger than Jay Leno's chin. He is winning and we are losing.

Lets face it- none of us live in Beverly Hills collecting $2 million dollars to do whatever it is he does. Maybe he is winning, and we're just miserable, stinking trolls who are held in bondage by organizations like AA, AAA, the ABA and the USDA. If we were to score my life against Charlie's, Sheen would be pitching a shutout.

Charlie Sheen: Tiger blood; Adonis DNA
Me: Guinea Pig blood, SpongeBob Squarepants DNA
Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen: Rock Star from Frickin' Mars
Me: Subway Sandwich Artist from Frickin' Des Moine

Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen: Highest paid actor on TV

Me: Third highest paid guy on the lunch shift

Advantage, Sheen:

Charlie Sheen: Warlock

Me: Not a Warlock

Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen: Starred in movie "Major League"

Me: Can quote the move "Major League"
Advantage, Sheen

So maybe in the real world, none of these comparisons really matter. By all accounts, anyone who is happy is winning. Charlie Sheen obviously is not. He may have millions of dollars and all of the other acoutrements that fame can afford, but obviously the guy needs real help. I feel bad for the actor who gave us such compelling performances in movies like Platoon, Wall Street and Hot Shots- Part Deux. All kidding aside, I hope for his sake and his children, this he gets help quickly.

Oprah's Frontal Assault on Omnivores

2011-02-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

My fourth least favorite person on the planet, Oprah Winfrey, recently launched another attack on my God given right to enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I'm referring to, of course, Ms. Winfrey's 2011 Vegan Challenge.

The challenge: no eating meat, fish, dairy, eggs or anything derived from the animal kingdom for seven days. The irony: She partook in this challenge while still wearing her leather shoes and perfume derived from whale fat among other animal-based consumer products. Two years ago, the "queen of whatever is trendy" attempted a 21-day vegan cleanse of her own, but apparently was not impressed enough with the lifestyle for it to stick. This year she lowered the bar to seven days, but also dragged 378 poor saps on her payroll into this Godforsaken baconless world.

The results were apparently mixed, though I'm sure the challenge's sponsor, Kathy Freston, would consider the experiment a huge success. Oprah Winfrey just promoted her books and lifestyle for the second time in two years, and several of the lab rats actually had some very nice sound bites and anecdotes. I'd call that a financial success if I were Ms. Freston, too.

So here is my standard disclaimer: I don't care what you eat, and I would appreciate it if you didn't care what I eat. If you want to promote healthy eating, that's great. But don't assume that people who aren't in lock step with your lifestyle are any less healthy or happy. I recently read some of the results and reactions, and question the interpretation on Oprah's site.
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"Some staffers had a harder time with the challenge than others. Co-Producer Veronica says she used to eat a lot of fast food, and eating vegan left her feeling "angry." Kathy told her it was because she had an addiction."

Addiction? Color me reactionary, but Kathy Freston has no business diagnosing anyone with an addiction. She's not a doctor. Or a psychologist. She's not even a nutritionist. In fact, I'm pretty sure she isn't even a certified yoga instructor. Her credentials? She began modeling at the age of 16, married too young and was involved in a bad relationship. Re-married a wealthy producer (who happens to be currently working for the Oprah Winfrey network) and wrote a book about her previous relationship. Later, she proclaimed herself a wellness expert and began writing other books. Thanks for the addiction diagnosis, but do you mind if I get a second opinion from my wife's equally qualified hair colorist?

As for the anger; I'd be angry too if I were staring at a bowl full of kelp for lunch. Me, personally, I'd rather get punched in the groin by a five year old with a runny nose and bad table manners.

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"By the third day, Rich says he felt better than he had in 10 years. Before the challenge, Rich says he was taking six to eight antacids a day and suffering from migraine headaches. "And let's qualify it, I ate horribly," he says. "I ate poor foods. Now I don't. And I lost 11 pounds."

Eleven pounds in one week? Someone obviously removed part of Rich's brain, which was included in total weight loss. Note to Rich: you can eat healthy, lose weight and still be an omnivore. Really. There are, like, hundreds of us who do it.

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"By the end of the week, 300 of the 378 Harpo staffers who signed up successfully completed the challenge. Collectively, they lost 444 pounds and gained 84 pounds...and used a record amount of toilet paper.

78 Harpo staffers have a modicum of intelligence. 378 people lost a total of 360 pounds (444 minus 84 gained) in one week. That's less than one pound per staffer, which equates to two glasses of water. Don't aggregate the numbers to make them sound more impressive. And what about the tiolet paper consumption? Wasting normally productive time while sitting on the can, killing trees to produce "record amounts" toilet paper and wasting thousands of additional gallons of water flushing toilets. How does this factor into the green lifestyle?

The real result of Oprah's challenge? More air time for this unqualified whack job to sell her books. As I've stated before, everything in moderation (except bacon). I agree that people should be conscious, healthy eaters, except around the holidays or during March Madness. But what I don't agree with is Oprah turning her mindless minions into lentil recipe exchanging stepford wives because some fly-by-night wellness "expert" thinks veganism is the new Prius.

A Battle for our Hearts, Minds and Stomachs

2011-01-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

There is a silent war raging in America. A war without weapons, but not without casualties. It’s tearing apart families and destroying relationships. Battles are taking place on college campuses, in homes, grocery stores, restaurants, on Match.com and Twitter. At stake in this conflict are our very souls, and our rightful position atop the food chain. I’m talking about the battle of herbivores versus omnivores.

For those of us in the trenches, the battles intensify with each passing year. Restaurants are bypassed due to a lack of vegetarian options. Side dishes are increasingly becoming main dishes at holiday dinners and office parties. And looks of disapproval are intensifying with each mouth-watering forkful of pork tenderloin braised with a white wine, rosemary and shallot reduction.

For some, this battle is about health. For some, it’s ethics. For others, it’s about freedom of choice. Discussing dietary lifestyles can be both emotionally and politically charged. Conservative versus liberal. Vegetarian versus Omnivore. Vegan versus Pescatarian.

The herbivore’s conundrum is their argument that we are just another one of God’s creatures. What gives us the right to kill and eat another of God’s creatures? The paradox is that God’s creatures are continuing to kill and eat each other on a regular basis. Ah, but we are a more evolved creature; on a higher plane than God’s “other” creatures. So if this is true, we are not “just” another of God’s creatures. We must be above them. And what better way to prove that we’re above them, than to kill and eat them?

The omnivore’s dilemma, well, apparently we’re nihilistic, unethical, heartless, earth scorchers because we occasionally enjoy buffalo wings or a McRib sandwich.

Personally, I make no judgments about one’s dietary choices. I am an omnivore, and no book, movie, television commercial or haiku will ever change this. I’ve even tried my own version of the 100-mile diet, eating only food processed at plants within 100 miles of my home. It was much harder than I thought, primarily because I don’t know my geography.

The way I see the animal kingdom is fairly simplistic. There are three types of animals; pets, food and everything else. I don’t condone the cruelty to any of these groups, though I wouldn’t scratch someone who occasionally kicks a cat off of my Christmas card list. Some cats are just asking for it.

All I ask in return is that others don’t make judgments about my dietary choices. Don’t recommend movies like, “Food Inc.”, books like, “The Omnivore’s Dilemma”, or CDs by Sarah McLaughin. Don’t make snide comments about the amount of nitrates in my bacon wrapped hot dog kabobs. And don’t expect me to eat arugula as an entrée on a regular basis. Everything in moderation. People who consistently criticize vegetarians tend to be somewhat Neanderthalic; and pure vegans, well let’s just say some can suck the fun right out of the room.

As the conflict intensifies, the omnivores appear to be losing ground. Up to 13% percent of the U.S. population considers themselves vegetarian or semi-vegetarian. Semi vegetarians may continue to eat eggs (ovo-vegetarian), or dairy (lacto-vegetarian), fish (pescatarian) or Jello and/or Jello Pudding Pops, which contain dairy and gelatin (Jello Pudding Popsatarian). An additional 17% of the U.S. population has indicated that they will likely reduce animal intake in the future. Great news for bean growers.

In the meantime, where the lives of omnivores and herbivores are intertwined, a psychological tug of war is taking place.

“You’re killing helpless animals.”
“I’m ridding the world of carbon producing cows. You’re killing oxygen-producing plants. Now who is the bad guy?”
“You’re going to die of heart disease.”
“You’re anemic.”
“You’re a heartless ogre.”
“I hear ogre is the new bison. I probably taste delicious. You’re high maintenance.”

Not all conflicts are this overt. Many of these messages are merely implied. But the battles are still very real, and each side believes they have a trump card. Herbivores secret weapon is their belief that vegetarianism will save the planet and the human race. And omnivore’s secret weapon is bacon.

Vegetarian web sites have sound the validation cry as they publish the latest vegetarian statistics and poll results. But like all battles, there are stories, like this, behind the statistics. My job- to bring these stories to you. More to come.

Plushenko Discredits Saints Super Bowl Victory

2010-02-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

Yevgeny Plushenko, who recently criticized Evan Lysacek's Olympic gold medal performance has recently turned his sour grapes ire toward the Super Bowl Champion New Orlean Saints. Through an interpreter, Plushenko was quoted, "I was positive that the Colts should have won that Super Bowl. Maybe they felt the Saints needed it more and the Colts already had one. I don't know how you can consider yourself a world champion when you have a defense made of swiss cheese." Plushenko was referring to the Saints winning the championship despite giving up an average of 52 points per game during the regular season.

Plushenko continued, "If you can win a championship by playing offense only, it's not a sport. It's arena football." Drew Brees was shocked and hurt by the comments. "I guess I was a little disappointed that someone who was my role model would take a hit at me in probably one of the most special moments of my life that I'll never forget, regardless of what anyone said there. I've even attempted to grow a wicked mullet like Yevgeny in his honor."

Brees was also quoted, "For him to discredit the Saints is not right, it's probably the strongest Saints team there has ever been. In fact, as soon as this interview is over, the Plushenko posters in my bedroom are coming down and I'm shaving off the mullet. But maybe he said some things in the heat of the moment and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. So I'll still keep the autographed 2005 world championships leotard."

Later that day, Plushenko was also overheard criticizing last year's American Idol winner, Kris Allen. "I don't know how you can be the American Idol when you cannot even hold a C flat for at least 45 seconds. It's no longer singing, it's rapping."

Allen could not be reached for comment.

Hacked off at China: Google takes on the Red Dragon

2010-02-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

I realize this news isn't as mainstream as Heidi Montag getting 34 plastic surgeries last month at a drive-thru clinic in California, but I argue that it's slightly more important. Over the past decade, the Chinese have been perperating extremely sophisticated and coordinated cyber attacks on a variety of U.S. interests from goverment to large corporations. These attacks rarely make big news for a variety of reasons, but recently Google has decided to raise a red flag.

Google has threatened to shut down their Chinese search engine and pull out of the country unless the government agrees to allow uncensored search in the communist country. The event that prompted their tough stance was a serious attack on their infrastructure. An attack that Google has all but officially accused the Chinese government of conducting. Of course the Chinese deny involvement. Right. And Mongolia built that wall to keep the Chinese out.

We all know that the Chinese are dirty players and power hungry, but these attacks can be construed as an act of war-like agression. Interpol estimates roughly $1 trillion in stolen intellectual property was stolen through hacking in 2008. The vast majority of attacks originate in Russia and China and even though their governments deny involvement, their words are meaningless. They stand there like four-year olds with icing all over their faces, and deny eating the cake.

So why do we treat cyber theft so lightly? If the Chinese government waltzed into Bank of America and stole $1 billion dollars, we'd have the entire Pacific fleet parked off of the coast of Japan. Yet because the crimes happen electronically, nobody seems to care. They are on the other side of the world, not at our borders but their intent is the same: cripple us, while they grow stronger.

So how much is enough and what should our retaliation be against the Chinese? Government sponsored cyber warfare? Boycotts? Miltary action? I don't believe Military action is the right answer, and cyber attacks might escalate into mass chaos. But maybe the old adage of living and dying by the sword could still apply. They attack us with computers; we attack them with computers. The difference is that we drop our from airplanes over Beijing and Shang Hai.

Would several thousand desktops cause billions of dollars in damage? No, but it would sure get their attention.

Johnny Carson Wants Jay Leno's and Conan O'Brien's Time Slots

2010-01-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

Zelda Von Hursting, a Hollywood clairvoyant has recently announced that Johnny Carson has been communicating from the grave, and boy is he pissed. The late host of the Tonight Show is apparently angry at NBC, Jay and Conan for making such a debacle of late night talk shows.

Speaking through Ms. Von Hursting, Carson is quoted, "I spent my entire career building the brand 'The Tonight Show' and now the nutjobs at NBC are making it the laughing stock of late night television. Jesus H. Christ- why don't they just hire Chevy Chase, for crying out loud." Carson is referring to the feud between Leno and O'Brien that started when NBC asked Conan to move the start of his show back 30 minutes to accommodate Leno's request.

"Neither of these guys is particularly funny," Carson continued, "and frankly I'm thinking about making a come back from the grave. I could do a two hour show, taking both slots and get better ratings than these hacks. Hell, I'll even do it for free. Heaven is great and all, but I'm bored out of my friggin' skull. It's been 15 years of listening to Lincoln talk about how he freed the slaves, and Einstein talk about how wrong his theories were, all while listening to John Denver play the harp. Now I know why they call this eternity." Carson added.

It was later learned that Carson's medium has been in negotiations with Jeff Zucker, President of NBC to discuss Carson's potential comeback. Ed McMahon's medium could not be reached for comment.

Michaela Salahi Attacks Pope

2009-12-25T15:33:00.001-08:00

Pope Benedict XVI was attacked during a Christmas Eve mass at St. Peter's Basilica by what authorities are calling "a disturbed woman". The woman apparently jumped a security barrier while the Pope was giving his Christmas sermon. The woman was wrestled to the ground, but only after posing for several photos with the pontiff before dragging him to the floor. The pontiff was uninjured, though he couldn't quite get his hat to sit straight afterwards. The woman was later identified as Washington D.C. fame-seeking missile Michaela Salahi.

In what Salahi describes as a misunderstanding, she claims she was invited to the pulpit though she could produce no evidence. It was later revealed that she and her husband were attempting to secure invitiations through a series of e-mails to Archbishop Donald Wuerl. Wuerl denies ever getting the Salahis "on the list".

In an interview with Larry King shortly after the incident, Michaela was quoted, "This is completely embarrasing. Who would have the gaul and bad behavior to tackle the Pope unless invited? We will be vindicated."

Others in the audience were completely shocked by the scene including rap star Kanye West. "I couldn't believe it. I was just about to grab the mic from his papalness to give a shout out to Beyonce, but the freak beat me to it."

Vatican security is currently considering a revision to its policy that states, "Any old whack job who loves the baby Jesus is welcome to attend mass".

America's debt ceiling: Congress keeps raising the roof.

2009-12-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

$12,082,000,000,000 is America's current debt ceiling. Now I know what you're thinking. $12 trillion doesn't really sound like much when you consider the New York Yankees payroll, but our debt is quickly approaching our gross domestic product (GDP) of $14 trillion. GDP is essentially the entire economic output of a country- all goods and services made and sold. And if the mupits in Washington have their way, the debt seiling will be raised another $1.9 trillion. Trillion. I'll say it one more time. Trillion.

Why is our debt climbing at astronomical rates? Because congress continues to buy their job security by spending money we don't have. The last time our debt surpassed our GDP was during World War II. I think we can all agree that deficit spending was justified then. But what gives congress the right to ask for an additional $2 trillion dollars when our current debt is more than the bottom 160 countries 2008 GDPs combined?

At what point do we hold these power-hungry fools in Washington accountable? This isn't mommy and daddy's credit card bills they're running up. Call me old fashioned, but I'm thinking maybe we need to cut spending and pay off some bills. Just a thought. Our debt this fiscal year alone is $1.5 trillion.

In the meantime, we're going to hit our debt ceiling in the next few weeks so congress has no choice but to raise the limit, or stop paying our bills. The question is, just how much will they raise the debt ceiling, and when will someone throw some cold water in the faces of the spendaholics on The Hill?

More to come on this...

AIG Executives Threaten To Quit Over Compensation: Americans Cheer

2009-12-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

So I’m surfing the Internet in search of solar-powered gopher repeller for my father’s Christmas present when I come across the following headline “Five AIG say may quit over pay”. Five senior executives from AIG threatened to quit if their pay is cut significantly by the U.S. pay czar.

Here I am with a budget of $39.95, looking for an eco-friendly way to rid dad’s vegetable garden of varmints and these worthless, delusional bean smackers are concerned about gold plating their toilet seats.

Don’t let the taxpayer-owned door hit you on the way out, you frauds.

AIG was the recipient of $180 billion in taxpayer dollars in 2008 due to the gross mismanagement of the company. Now those responsible for the mismanagement are threatening to quit if they might occassionally have to buy their suits off the rack. These very same incompetent wind bags received over $165 million in bonuses this past March. A mere 400 employees split this bonus pool, some receiving as much as $6.5 million dollars immediately after ruining the largest insurance company in the world. Yet they want more. I don't get it. This sounds like credit default swap logic to me.

If it wasn’t for the taxpayers $180 billion, these Gilligans would have been out of a job. They are lucky. If they were capable, they would not have driven AIG beyond the brink of disaster. They are incompetent. And now they are threatening to leave if we do not continue to make them wealthier. They are greedy.

Lucky, incompetent and greedy. Sounds like they’ve earned another big payday to me.

Do we really want the same brain trust that ran AIG into the ground at the helm when they are now 80% owned by taxpayers? I say let them quit and replace them with five Magic 8-Balls. It would be a vast improvement in decision quality.

AIG empty suite: “Magic 8-Ball, should we gamble the company’s future and our shareholder’s money on credit default swaps?”

Magic 8-Ball: “Ask again later”

Later...

AIG empty suite: “Magic 8-Ball, should we gamble the company’s future and our shareholder’s money on credit default swaps?”

Magic 8-Ball: “Are you smoking crack? Jesus H. Christ. You don't need to be a Magic 8-Ball to realize that's a stupid idea. Now put me back in my box you dipshit.”

Disaster averted.

If they do quit, I will gladly hire them and do the exact opposite of everything they tell me to do. Then I'll retire in about 90 days.

The Salahis, "Protection" Against Lawsuits, Obesity v. Hunger and Other Odds and Ends

2009-12-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

Traveling this week which means a lot of headline news and airport sandwiches. Here are the things I've learned this week inbetween sleep, meetings and sleeping in meetings.

Michaele and Tareq Salahi- Apparently these two pathological, attention-starved, lightweight con artists were no-shows at a Congressional hearing today where they were to be questioned about their super fun White House party crashing behavior. Apparently they weren't comfortable showing up invited.

It was also revealed today that the Secret Service learned of the breach via Michaela's Facebook page. This begs the question, what were Secret Service agents doing surfing Facebook? Searching for national security threats? Is this part of the FBI Carnivore program? If they are perusing the social network sites they should consider renaming the program to Omnivore. I wonder how many followers Bin Laden has on Twitter.

Teacher Sues New York Department of Education After Slipping on Condom- Karen Hollander, a teacher at a Manhattan high school is suing over injuries obtained from slipping on a discarded condom in the school cafeteria. She may be the first person to ever sue over slipping on a banana peel. According to the suit, the condoms were handed out during school and some students took it upon themselves to open them during lunch and discard them. Unused, I assume.

The suit states, "They caused, allowed and permitted condoms to be distributed by school personnel to the students, many of which were opened during the school lunch period and thrown on the floor." My first question is why did they open them during lunch? Don't they know the difference between condoms and condiments? My second question is whether this suit is about her fall, or does she condemn condom conduits at school?

Students denied graduation due to obesity- 25 students at Lincoln University in Oxford, Pennsylvania may be denied graduation due to an obscure requirement. According to the university's relatively new policy, students must have a Body Mass Index (BMI) below 30, or have completed a course entitled "Fitness for Life" in order to graduate.

Personally I'm all in favor of reducing obesity rates but I'm not sure this is a good solution. The university means well, but they have crossed the line. If this requirement is allowed, what will stop universities from imposing other "well-meaning" lifestyle requirements for graduation. Imagine the course catalog:

"How Not to Look Like a Tool in Public 101"- Syllabus: How not to wear your Bluetooth in a grocery store (or anywhere for that matter), How to clip your toenails before flying sockless because the guy behind you in the security line has no interest in seeing your gnarly yellow toenails that look like concealed weapons, What not to eat before a four-hour meeting with your superiors, Cycling shorts are for cycling not basketball...

"Driving Like There Are Other People in the World 101"...

You get the point.

Kate Moss Gives a Shout Out to Anorexia- "Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels" Really? Has she ever heard of bacon? Her agent is claiming that the quote was taken out of context. A 35-pound, chain smoking supermodel chooses skinny over food. I think we have the proper context, Olive Oil. Maybe she needs to change her slogan to, "Nothing Sounds as Bad as Stupid Feels". Think about it. Or not.

Americans are Starving. Wait, no We're Not- Data from the USDA report was misinterpreted and misreported. Media was claiming that 49 million Americans went hungry last year, including 17 million children. Actual data from the report indicates that 49 million people experienced "food insecurity" which means that they worried about food, but only 1.6% of adults and 0.1% of children actual went an entire day without food. Anything above 0% of children going a day without food is too high, but things are not nearly as dire as USA Today, the New York Times and the Washington Post led people to believe with their headlines and articles.

Actual headlines about this story:

USA Today: "Wake Up Call: 1 in 6 Americans went hungry in 2008"
New York Times: "49 million Americans reported lack of food"
The Washington Post: "America's economic pain brings hunger pangs"
Philadelphia Inquirer: "Hunger on rise in U.S."
National Enquirer: "Batboy really hungry in 2008: Eats own arms"

Okay, I made that last one up. But someone is starving, alright. The newspapers are starving for readers.

Tiger Woods Wife Heroically Rescues Him From Car Crash with Golf Club

2009-11-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been asleep or in Tanzania for the past four days you've probably read about Tiger Woods slamming is 12,000-pound Cadillac Escalade into a defenseless cyprus tree. And here I thought driving was Woods' specialty. Sorry. The rumors and speculation about the cause of the accident immediately started flying faster than Lindsay Lohan downing a Grey Goose and cranberry. Was he doing his John Daly impersonation? Was his wife beating him with a banjo as he sped away to sire illegitimate Swedish babies?

Personally, I don't care about the real cause of the accident, and understand his desire for privacy. But Elin Wood's explanation of the events has just added fuel to the fire. Her husband is in a car accident less than four rhododendrons away from their driveway, traveling at a speed that didn't even deploy the airbag and Elin decides to use his 9-iron as the "Jaws of Life".

According to Mrs. Woods, she smashed the back windows of his Escalade with a golf club to rescue Tiger. Really? Tiger is unconscious in the driver's seat, next to a perfectly good door. But her plan is to enter the vehicle through the jagged back window, drag her 200-pound husband some 38 feet over four rows of seats and then through the aforementioned jagged back window. Right.

Again- don't care about your personal life, but surely you could have come up with a better lie than this. I can personally think of 10 reasons for smashing the back windows with a golf club that are far more credible than her story:

10. Was angry at the Escalade for not deploying the airbags during crash.
9. Thought Tiger was going to the driving range at 2:00am and was just trying to get his lucky 5-iron to him.
8. Saw her own reflection in the glass holding a golf club and mistook the window for an attacker.
7. Just trying to get his attention because he forgot to kiss her goodbye.
6. Mistook the 12,000 pound car for a giant black golf ball.
5. Thought the windows were shatterproof and was just trying to kill a palmetto.
4. Sleep walking while dreaming of 12-cylinder pinatas.
3. Practicing on the front lawn at 2:00am while eating buttery popcorn. Lesson learned.
2. This is just foreplay at the Woods household. Had no idea neighbors were watching.
1. C'mon. It's Florida. After seven Amaretto Sours, who doesn't like to smash up a car window, officer? Why do you think so many episodes of "Cops" are filmed here?

Sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Woods. Hope you guys get this all straightened out and have a long, loving marriage. But in the meantime, maybe you need to keep your mouths shut and let this blow over.

You Think You're Having a Bad Day? Man Discovers Father is Charles Manson.

2009-11-24T18:33:00.001-08:00

Sure life can smack you upside the head with a rolling pin sometimes, but at least your dad isn't Charles Manson. Matthew Roberts, a 41 year old Los Angeles DJ recently revealed that his biological father is none-other-than Charles Manson, one of the most despicable and notorious whack jobs of the 20th century. Roberts was adopted at birth but decided to search for his real parents 12 years ago. He tracked down his biological mother, who revealed his father's true identity and the gruesome nature of their "relationship".

So here comes the old nature versus nurture argument. In this case, it appears that nurture has come out on top. Roberts is a Gandhi-following vegetarian pacifist. Good for him. Because that's one gene pool that most wish had been permanently drained for the winter. Like anyone within three standard deviations of normal, Roberts was horrified when he found out the truth. He likened it to finding out his father was Adolph Hitler. Well, I might argue that one.

But seven years ago, he did something that most wouldn't. He wrote a letter to his evil, impotent, meglomaniacal headcase of a father. I'm not sure why he would even consider establishing a relationship with this wild-eyed freak, but he did. And they've been corresponding ever since. Manson ends each letter back to his son with a swastika. Wow. I can't believe Hallmark hasn't scooped this guy up.

Roberts says he doesn't want to love him, but doesn't want to hate him either. I'm okay with the latter, personally.

I can almost read the letters now.

"Dear Dad- How is prison? Maybe someday you'll be granted parole and you can teach me how to fish. Or we could have a catch. I think you stand a better chance if you cover up the swastika on your forehead with makeup and stop threatening to molest the family pets of the parole board members. Write soon.

Your non-loving, non-hating son- Matthew."

"Dear Son- I'm really disappointed that you haven't brutally murdered anyone yet. You're 41 years old. What are you doing with your life? Tell Squeaky Fromme I'll be out soon. In the meantime, you need to stop with this conformist, peace crap you sissy. Try starting small. Next person you see, punch them in the groin. Then work your way up to something more challenging. Have to go now. My dinner is here. Quiche with asparagus tips. My favorite.

Burn in hell- Dad"

So next time you're late for work, hungover, have a pimple the size of Rosie on your chin, sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and the vibrations from the bass music in the car behind you is making your pancreas hurt, just remember; at least your dad isn't Charles Manson. Your glass is half-full, my friend.

Going Rogue? Does Sarah Palin Understand the Definition of "Rogue"?

2009-11-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

Those who know me, know I don't attack people based on their political affiliation. Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Socialist, Anarchist, Labour, Scottish National, Estonian Reform, Whig, Communist; I have no problem with any one group. Okay, maybe a slight issue with Communists. But this is not politically inspired.

I do however attack people based on pure, good old fashion stupidity. And I have to say that Palin quitting her job as governor to write a book ranks right up there with urinating on an electric fence. And when you consider the name of the book, "Going Rogue", well that elevates the stupidity status to cheating on your swedish supermodel wife with nine cocktail waitresses. It also begs the question, does Sarah Palin even know what the term "rogue" means?

The term rogue has rarely had a positive connotation with the exception of a few bad spy movies. You know those movies where a covert operative gets tired of killing people and attempts to quit, but "the agency" won't let him quit because he "knows too much", so he decides to go rogue. But he can't go entirely rogue because he loves some other operative and he's conflicted because this is really cramping his loner rogue style. So he kills the bad/good guys, steals some money and has it transferred into a Swiss bank account and rides off into the sunset on a Vespa through the streets of Milan with his love interest gripping him. Is this what Palin has planned?

But for the real definition lets call in the experts, shall we?

According to Merriam-Webster:
Rogue: Main Entry: 1rogue

Pronunciation: \ˈrōg

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 15611 :

1 vagrant, tramp

2 a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel

3 : a mischievous person : scamp

4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave

5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation

My guess is that she doesn't really want people to think she's "Going to exhibit a chance and usually inferior biological variation", though you could make a case. Or that she's a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave. Though according to some McCain staff, she was a horse's ass that was inclined to shirk and misbehave.

I'm not going to speculate about her intentions for publishing this book. Pundits have suggested revenge, redemption and re-entry into the spotlight. Based on these assumptions, maybe these are better suggestions for her book title.

"Going Target Hunting: A Campaign Story"

"Going to B#t$h Slap John McCain"

"Going Book Whoring"

"Going to Run in 2012: Who's With Me!"

"Going to Explain the $15,000 Suits"

"Going to Get That Katie Couric: And Her Little Dog, Too"

"Going to Develop a Loyal Following Who Will Either Nominate Me in 2012, or Become Steady Listeners to My XM Radio Show if Nomination Doesn't Pan Out: Either Way, I'm Getting the Hell Out of Alaska and Moving Somewhere Warm, Like Minnesota"

Okay, maybe that last one might be a little long for the book jacket. Regardless, I'm looking forward to her follow up book, "Went Rogue: And I Guess it Didn't Mean What I Thought, So I'm Back.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day Four- Resurrection

2009-11-19T15:36:00.000-08:00

(continued from posts starting 11/16)

7:00AM- Symptom free. Plan on telecommuting today. Celebrate with a bacon and egg sandwich with a side of ham.

8:00AM through 5:00PM- I've re-entered productive society. Aside from answering way too many questions about how I feel, it was a good day. The sun even came out today for the first time in days as if to say, "Hey, have some sun". Still want to get the hell out of the house. Planning my escape tomorrow when Mrs. MacTavish isn't looking.

Epilogue

Three days of symptoms that were never too debilitating. Was it genetics? Was it my blood-alcohol level? Was I just lucky? Only the swine flusiologist in the sky can answer that one.

During the past four days I consumed 11 quarts of Gatorade, slept 49 hours, took five baths and three showers, had 12 meals in bed, watched the opening sequence of The Dark Knight eight times, watched Sarah Palin "Going Rogue" 14 times, though she doesn't look very rogue. Maybe it's future tense and she hasn't "gone rogue" yet. Maybe it's a threat like "Going Postal". My clothes smell like Lysol, and I really feel like I'm getting to know Wolf Blitzer well. Maybe too well. Still never caught the end of Apollo 13. Maybe next flu.

Other things I've learned this week: Mrs. MacTavish is too kind, our dog walks around on our hardwood floors all friggin' day, my neighbor's house needs to be painted, 24 hours is plenty despite what the crybabies say, HBO is worth the investment during flu season, Afghanistan needs troops, the President bowed to the emperor of China too early, I want to beat the idiot with the white board from the UPS commericals with a bag of hammers, and Oprah is finally quitting. Finally.

But it's all over, as far as I'm concerned and I'm shuttin' er down. Perhaps this is premature given the stories of relapse, but I'm feeling confident that this human has won the pig races. I know I've been far luckier than some as I'm neither young nor old. I feel for anyone who has had it worse, and for those who may have lost someone to the illness. I know this virus like other flu viruses leaves a wake of grief and misery. That said, stay healthy.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day Three

2009-11-18T19:54:00.000-08:00

(continued from posts beginning on 11/16)

7:00AM- Woke up feeling normal. Got out of bed craving waffles, but apparently there is a nationwide Eggo shortage. Damn that Kelloggs corporation trying to artifically drive up demand and prices. Who do they thnk they are? Nintendo? Mrs. MacTavish made a fine alternative and had breakfast in bed yet again. Getting used to this. She is getting over this.

8:00AM- Check e-mail. Everything appears to be fine at the office. Ask if I am allowed to leave the room yet. It is now Wednesday morning and I have not left the bedroom/sitting room/master bath since 11:30PM Sunday. As much as I love these rooms, I need to get the hell out. I also need to get away from the smell of Lysol. The response to my request for parole, "What do you need to do that is worth getting the kids sick?" Nothing...I slink back into bed.

9:00AM- Hop online and head to WebMD to see when the "contagious window" closes. Seven days? That's a bunch of crap. Who writes this stuff? My mother? Cabin fever is setting in, big time. Turn on the tube to catch Palin pitching her book again. She looks awful conformist for someone "going rogue". Turn off tube and finally finish book I started three months ago.

11:00AM- Mrs. MacTavish comes home with some new chairs and invites me downstairs to see them. Haven't walked on stairs in days, so I'm a little nervous. They're exactly as I remember them and all goes well. Stay in living room for a full ten minutes soaking in the atmosphere.

12:00 Noon- Lunch in bed. Check e-mail, surf the Web. Feeling a little tired but not at all like the first two days. Ready to go back to work. But not recommended. Mrs. MacTavish makes an awesome soup and sandwich lunch. Lunch delivery has sort of a prison feel to it. She comes into the room and places the food in a "drop zone". I'm not allowed to get out of bed and approach the food until she has left the room. When finished, I place the dishes back in the drop zone and get back in bed. She sprays them with Lysol before picking them up.

2:00 PM- Flip to HBO 9 and catch Apollo 13 about an hour into the movie. Excellent. Plan to finally watch through to the end. Fall asleep after they fix the carbon issue. No strange dreams, unless you consider Lasik surgery strange.

4:00 PM- Awake and refreshed. Really want to get outside and go for a run. I've been warned that people have felt great after three or four days, and then get hit by a second wave. Pretty sure it won't happen, but heeding the advice of the Mrs. as I Do NOT want to hear, "I told you so". Starting to get hungry, but cannot feed myself and nobody is home to feed me. Starting to feel a little like our black lab. Lay down in front of the bedroom door and and exhale loudly. Doze off and dream of chasing squirrels.

5:00PM- The family arrives home and the kids slide their get well cards under the door. I pick up my cell phone and call the house phone to speak with them. Can't wait to spend real time with them again.

7:00PM- Watching news about Obama's trip to China. Oddly, there was more focus on Obama's meeting with his half-brother whom he barely knows. Was kind of hoping to hear more about our trade deficit with China. Maybe next story. Feeling completely normal. Really tired of the quarantine after three days. Could be much worse though, so I hate to complain.

9:00PM- Discovery has a special about the Mayan calendar and 2012. I suspect it won't be the last time they air this in the next three years. Looking forward to the wild parties on December 19th, 2012.

10:00PM- Started a new book on canines in 19th century needlepoint art. Fell asleep at 10:05.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day Two

2009-11-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

(continued from previous posts)

5:30AM- Why am I up? Lay in bed thinking of donuts.

5:35AM- Back asleep. It's not as though donuts require much thought.

7:15AM- Wake up feeling slightly better. Mrs MacTavish brings me breakfast in bed, while the kids cautiously peek through the door to wish me well. Bagel and apple again as it's the only thing that appeals to me right now. Still feverish and sore, but don't feel nearly as miserable. Stomach still cramping.

8:00AM- Check the HBO guide where it appears that this is the week to feature Bride Wars, Kangaroo Jack, Hackers, Fred Claus and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. I picked the wrong week to get sick. Begin watching Apollo 13 again from the point where I last fell asleep. Fall asleep after they stir the oxygen tanks and all hell breaks loose.

9:30AM- Take a long bath and some more Tamiflu. Sit and stare out of the bedroom window hoping for something exciting to happen like a meteor shower or a live musical to break out. Starting to get strange looks from people passing by. Check e-mail. Nothing at the office has exploded.

10:00AM- Attempt to read, but head hurts too much. Turn on TV and watch news coverage of Sarah Palin's new book, "Going Rogue". Not sure who is more annoying; Palin or the pundits. I feel like I'm about to go rogue.

11:00AM- Feeling feverish and fatigued so I lay in bed staring at the ceiling until lunch.

12:00 Noon- First real meal. Grilled cheese. Mrs. MacTavish makes the perfect grilled cheese. Not too grilled and not too cheesy. Immediately fall asleep after last bite. Strange dreams about changing our standard time measurements. Hours are now only 45 minutes. This bumps us up to 32 hours daily. Now people can stop bitching about there not being enough hours in the day.

3:00PM- Wake up feeling close to normal. Until I stand up too fast. Sit on sitting room couch and read stack of magazines that have been piling up since March. Start to feel sore again, so I take another bath.

4:30PM- Scanning the news channels. Palin is going Rogue on several other channels. No balloon hoaxes today. Plenty of loud-mouthed economists who claim to have this all figured out. Elvis is still dead.

6:00PM- Pizza for dinner served with love by Mrs. MacTavish. After catching up on some magazines, I turn on HBO12 to find Apollo 13 on again. Excellent. Maybe I'll see the ending this time. Fall asleep as they use the moon's gravity to slingshot back around toward earth.

8:00PM- Stomach has not been right today. Headaches have persisted, but not as intense. Joints are feeling better. Still running a slight fever. Say goodnight to kids through the crack in the door. So far, the worst part of the ordeal has been not being able to hug my family. My daughter fell on the stairs and I had to listen helplessly to her cry until her mom was able to get to her.

10:00PM- Just finished some reading and writing. No arithmetic. Apollo 13 is just starting. No way I'll make it to the end. Scan news channels. Hamad Karzai and Sarah Palin plan to release an album together. New recommendations on guidelines for when women should begin to get mammograms. A new task force (comprised of insurance companies?) suggests against routine mammograms for women under 50. The current recommendation is 40. And how do you explain this to those women who were diagnosed in their 40s? Morons.

10:30PM- Temperature almost back to normal. Lights out.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day One

2009-11-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

(continued from post on 11/16)

6:15AM- Woke up 15 minutes early and something wasn't feeling quite right. Stomach was tight, head was cloudy. Attributed it to the Monday morning blues and attempted to put my feet on the floor. Whoa- feels like the morning after my bachelor party. Laid back down and went to sleep.

7:00AM- Woke up 45 minutes later still feeling the way Fidel Castro looks, showered, contemplated my day and wondered when I would snap out of it. At this point I was determined to get to the office. After driving well under the speed limit for 15 minutes, I contemplated pulling over and taking a nap. Chills, stomach pain, headache, morning radio. It was more than any man could bare. Decided to press on. Made it to the office garage with no intentions of staying. Took stairs and managed to avoid breathing on people or making eye contact while fetching my laptop. Made it back to my car and sat quietly attempting to muster up the energy to turn the ignition. As I was driving home, each bump in the road reminded me that leaving the house in the first place was a bad idea.

9:00AM- Was home and back in bed. Slept until noon having all sorts of strange fever-induced dreams about polenta, Albanian tax attorneys, Gilligan's Island and Cheez Whiz. Note to self: look those things up in a dream interpretation book.

12:00 Noon- Took temperature and Tylenol. My joints felt as though they were twisted in the wrong direction, my head felt like a tomato that had fallen to the floor and my body temperature seemed to fluctuate faster than the national healthcare plan.

2:00PM- I had dealt with my doctor and my prescription for Tamiflu was ready to be picked up. Mrs. MacTavish had officially quarantined me to our room. Spent the remainder of the afternoon in and out of sleep and strange dreams involving scotch tape and monkeys. While awake, I attempted to watch television. As luck would have it, we just signed up for a free trial of HBO. I had no idea there were 13 HBO channels now. Outstanding timing. Still no iPhone with the iSwine app though.

6:00PM- Finally managed to choke down an apple, a bagel and a quart of Gatorade. Head and body still felt like I went nine rounds with the Russian guy from Rocky V. Or was it Rocky IV? Started to watch Apollo 13, but fell asleep before launch.

8:00PM- Woke up in time to say good night to kids through the crack in the door. They're careful not to make eye contact with me. Started to watch the beginning of Apollo 13 again on a different HBO. Fell asleep during countdown. Slept off and on for the remainder of the night. Woke up at 5:00AM singing Cher's, "If I Could Turn Back Time". Had no idea I knew the lyrics.

Karma is a Female Pig: The Swine Flu Chronicles

2009-11-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

10 days ago I was making light of the subject of Swine Flu while enjoying one of my favorite pastimes- making fun of the iPhone (see post on 11/5). Now it seems that this simple act of insolence has come back to take a nibble out of my posterior. Despite four months of wiping down door knobs, wearing masks on airplanes, holding my breath on elevators, marinating in a hand-sanitizer after meetings, wearing rubber gloves in public restrooms, wearing two pairs of rubber gloves in the state of New Jersey, reporting incidents of nose picking to the Center for Disease Control and kicking in the groin anyone who attempted to come within three feet of me, I have contracted the dreaded Swine Flu. Yes, the very same pandemic ailment that saturates the airwaves to the point of white noise, causing most Americans to roll their eyes and change the channel.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t quite as paranoid as described but I did take a fair amount of precaution. But I suppose I was at a higher risk than most given that I’m on airplanes and public transportation far more than your average book-making taxidermist. I’ve never had the flu, let alone one named after a farm animal so I always wondered what it was like. I’m wondering no more, my friends.

Given the added dimension of precaution and paranoia, I thought I'd keep a daily journal of my illness and the associated quarantine. After reading this you can decide for yourself if you want to go out and get your own case on H1N1.

The following blog entries are almost entirely based on real events with only a dash of dramatic embellishment. Because let’s face it; who wants to read about some guy sleeping for five days straight? The names of the characters have been changed to protect the innocent. In some cases they’ve been changed twice. More to come.

Hugo Chavez's Ratings Falling. Rain Isn't.

2009-11-15T19:45:00.000-08:00

Venezuela is in a major recession, there are significant water shortages and at least six major nationwide blackouts during the past two years due to lack of electricity. Things are looking grim for the petulant, anti-capitalist, little piss monkey Hugo Chavez. But instead of really taking ownership for the problem that stems from him ignoring critical infrastructure, Chavez has asked Cuba to bomb the clouds with iodine in hope of triggering rain. That's the best you have, Hugo?

Your country is one bad hair day away from a coup d'etat and you're placing your bets on Cuban bomber pilots, iodine and the trade winds. I guess you can't expect much from a man who is blaming the countries issues on long showers.

In a recent cabinet meeting, the angry little doorstop actually made the following statement “Some people sing in the bath for half an hour. What kind of communism is that? Three minutes is more than enough!” Way to deflect blame, Generalissimo BodyOdor. You've been running your country into the ground and playing the oil card for so long that you have no clue how to respond to a real crisis. Three minute showers and cloud bombing. Top notch. The Venezuelan people eagerly await your next brilliant plan. Massive urine-to-water conversion campaigns? Mandated homemade potato batteries?

Good luck with this one, comrade.

Pro-Choicers Declare Major Victory After This Photo Published

2009-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Making the other side look bad is a full-time job for demagogues and spinsters. However photos like this sure make their job easier. Millions of pro-lifers are currently cringing at this image of a seemingly possessed woman and her mullet getting carted off to jail. The crazed eyes, the t-shirt and turtleneck combo, the unkempt hockey cut, the mouth that appears to be in the middle of the sentence, "You're all going to Hell! Hell!"

In the meantime, the other side of the debate is saying, "Well done, Chip Somodevilla of Getty Images. Your photo says what would normally take seven to nine sentences." And yes, that's what a picture is worth these days in an A.D.D. world. Pictures are down considerably from a thousand words.

Regardless of your position on abortion, we can all agree that this point goes to Pro-choice. In the meantime, Pro-lifers are planning a counter attack by staging a photo of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wearing a Pro Choice fleece pullover while holding a pitch fork and a one hitter.

Jackson Reality Series: Michael Jackson's Body Finally Cold Enough to Cash In

2009-11-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

It has been the longest four months of their lives, but it's finally here. The Michael Jackson death paycheck is in the mail. Jermaine, Tito, Marlon and Jackie have announced the launch of their new reality show on A&E beginning on December 13th entitled "The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty". Jackie Jackson? I had no idea there was a Jackie Jackson.

So the first episode airs next month, which means they decided to create the show at least a few months earlier. Which, according to my calculations means they started thinking about creating the show sometime before the ambulance arrived. Way to hold back the grief, fellas.

I can't say I blame them though, really. When he passed, Michael's family inherited more debt than AIG, a few carousels and a chimpanzee graveyard. And you may as well "make hay while the sun shines" because with the cumulative talent of the remaining Jacksons, Janet notwithstanding, the sun won't be shining for a very long time. If ever. Lunar eclipse, lads. Permanent lunar eclipse.

The reality show will focus on preparations for a reunion tour, and them coping with Michael's death. A reunion tour? Really? Without Michael, it's kind of like the Pips going on a reunion tour without Gladys Knight. Whatever. I'm sure they will sell out civic centers and Knights of Columbus halls all across the country.

Also in entertainment news, after Bono contracted the sniffles, the other three members of U2 announced a memorial tour and the release of a dedication album in spring of 2010.

iPhone Launches Swine Flu Application

2009-11-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Want to know if your friends or family have Swine flu? There's an app for that. Want to know which health clinic still has a supply of vaccine? There's an app for that.

Apple announced today that they are launching iSwine, the multi-purpose app that allows you to manage your life in an H1N1 world. iSwine allows hipsters and the wealthy alike to use the new iPhone body scanner to determine the presence of H1N1 from as far away as three meters. The body scan will also determine the person's identity through an x-ray of their jawbone leveraging another iPhone app, "iDentalDatabase". iSwine will then immediately send an instant message to everyone in their address book, calling circle, and Facebook friends list warning them to stay the hell away from "Captain Swine Flu".

The app can also locate clinics hoarding the vaccine and continually dial the phone number rapidly so others seeking vaccine information go right to voicemail. iSwine will then recommend the best vanilla latte and black turtleneck purveyors near the health clinic.

iSwine also provides live updates via iSwineMap on the spread of the virus through detecting the infection of other iPhone users. And if you are unlucky enough to get infected with H1N1, iSwine will immediately download five days of your favorite movies and music so you're fully entertained while quarantined.

Apple also announced plans to provide iPhone users with the ability to download the swine flu shot for just $0.99.

Why not? There's an app for everything else.

Cultural Homogenization- How Halloween is Getting Even Scarier

2009-10-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Like millions of other people, October is my favorite month. The leaves are turning, the air is crisp and cool and there is a litany of sports on television. And the exclamation point to this month has always been Halloween. Where kids are able to dress as their favorite cartoon character, transvestite or blood-soaked maniac and get all sugared up on Milk Duds.

The Halloween season has even started to eclipse Christmas in terms of pageantry, holiday events and lead time when drugstores start filling the aisles with Chinese made decorations. But it seems that these days the Halloween season is getting scarier for the wrong reasons. No, I'm not talking about Starr Jones dressed as Catwoman. I'm talking about cultural homogenization also known as "living in offensive-free America".

School districts all over the country are replacing Halloween parades and festivals with "Fall Festivals"- that just happen to coincide with Halloween, and where the kids dress up in costumes. The concern is that the holiday has too much of a religious connection as it is technically celebrated as the eve of All Saints Day. So every year, on October 31st, we'll dress our kids in costumes and ship them off to school to celebrate...fall. And this will make it all better, right? Everyone believes in fall, right? Well, maybe not the Mayans.

I can't say I didn't see this coming. Rarely in corporate America do you see office Christmas Parties. They are now Holiday Parties so that we are inclusive of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. This approach is perfectly reasonable as you throw in Thanksgiving, Ramadan, New Years, Boxing Day, Veteran's Day, National Clean Out Your Fridge Day(Nov. 14th), etc., this is truly the holiday season. "Merry Christmas" has been replaced with Happy Holidays when you're not certain of someones religious affiliation. Perfectly fine and a good practice.

Happy Holidays works for everyone, right? Maybe not. Apparently not everyone celebrates a holiday in November and December so some "forward thinking" companies have replaced "Holiday" parties with "Winter" parties. Because, God forbid you offend someone by celebrating something that you believe in. Crap, I just said "God". Sorry, athiests. Crap, I just said "crap". Sorry easily offended people who think that's foul language. And I don't mean "easily offended" in an offensive way.

Can you see the slippery slope of removing our cultures from our culture? With six billion people in the world, there will always be someone who is offended by something. I'm pretty sure if you looked hard enough, you would find a contingent of Americans who are offended by Craisins or Velcro.

So now we have a Winter Party and greet each other with "Happy Winter"? What about our friends from the southern hemisphere? December is summer in Sydney. Scratch winter party as it might offend Australians. How about a December party? "Happy December?" Well, that's great if you follow the Gregorian calendar. There are a host of other calendars still in existence from Chinese to Jewish to Mayan. Can't offend any anti-Gregorians.

And for that matter, can we say "Happy" anything without fear of upsetting manic depressives? So December is rapidly approaching and we can't agree on a non-offensive way to wish someone well during a mutually agreed upon representation of the position of the earth in our orbit around the sun. Maybe that's it. Earth travels roughly 580 million miles around the sun every year, so every "December"- if you believe in December- we celebrate mile marker 540m? "Happy 540". Wait, scratch "happy". How about we just nod with no expression that could be interpreted as offensive and simply say, "540". I can see the conversations now.

--"540"

-"540 to you to, my friend. Are you planning to partake in the competition-less and subdued 540 activities later today after our daily back shavings?"

--"Perhaps. After I pick up my average achievement award and visit my speech therapist. My southern accent is acting up again."

-"Sorry to hear that. Well. Have a day, 18950521052"

-- "You too, 18950596332"

More to come of this topic. In the mean time, "485", friends.

The Not-so-Great Health Care Debate

2009-10-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm running through a crowded city street on my way to the post office to mail my brother a fleece tank top for his birthday when I notice roughly one third of the population of Rhode Island lined up at the local Quickie Burger. My first thought was, "Wow, they're making a lot of dough." But then I paused and thought, "Wow, they're killing a lot of people and unfairly burdening the health care system."

After a brief postal transaction, I started to give this some more thought. According to the CDC, about every 25 seconds, an American will have a heart attack, and about one every minute will die from one. That's over 525,000 people each year. Granted many heart attacks are the result of normal wear and tear, people have to seriously consider how much eating fast food increases the other heart disease risk factors. Fat, salt, cholesterol all contribute to the possibility of people dropping dead while in line for a fat, salt and cholesterol sandwich.

Recently one restaurant promoting a healthier lifestyle has come up with clever names for fast food combo meals such as "Can my butt look any bigger" meal, or the "opposite sex repellent combo". These are cute, probably fairly effective commercials but I'm not sure they really scratch the surface. How about something a little more attention grabbing like the "I'd like to be in the grave before I have grandchildren meal", or the "55 years is plenty for me combo". How about the, "What other bad examples can I set for my children deluxe"?

Obesity rates in this country are completely out of control and it's both sad for the family members who lose someone due to self-inflicted heart disease, and an unfair burden on the health care system. One study suggests that 30% of the health care spending increases over the next 20 years could be directly attributed to rising obesity rates. And yet purveyors of fast food garbage continue to flood the airwaves with happy, healthy-looking actors cramming this waste between their perfect white teeth as if the #7 Deluxe is the path to enlightenment.

All the while we're getting fatter and lazier as a society. In 2009, obesity rates have climbed in 23 states and did not decrease in any. Colorado is the only state with an adult obesity rate of less than 20%. 31 states exceed a 25% obesity rate and four exceed 30%.

In 1991, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent. In 1980, the national average for adult obesity was 15 percent. Today 66% of adults are considered obese or overweight. Makes you feel good as an American, doesn't it? What's worse is what we're doing to our children. Only three states have obesity and overweight rates below 25%, 18 states are between 25-30%, 21 states are between 30-35%, seven states are between 35-40% and one state is at 44.4%. All told, Americans spend over $160 billion per year to kill themselves.

Part of the problem is that most people have no clue how many calories they are stuffing their faces with when they decide to hit a drive through. So I've decide to do a little research and create some killer combo meals that exceed the daily caloric intake for an average-sized water buffalo.

I'll call this the "Never Live to See Your Children Graduate" Meal

White Castle Large Chocolate Shake- 1680 calories

Carl's Jr Double Six Dollar Burger- 1520 calories

Nathans Super Size French Fries- 1188 calories

GRAND TOTAL-----------------4388 calories

How about the "I've Given Up on Life" Value Meal

Hardee's Monster Thick Burger- 1420 calories

Dairy Queen Large Chocolate Malt- 1300 calories

Arby's Mozzarella Sticks- 840 calories

GRAND TOTAL-------------------3560 calories

You get the picture. The site below lists 272 fast food items that are more than 700 calories each. Each. The average 35 year old, 170 pound male needs a little over 2200 calories per day. A 140-pound woman needs around 1700. Needless to say, the combo meals above should feed the average adults for two full days. And we wonder why our gym memberships aren't working.

http://www.acaloriecounter.com/fast-food-calories.php#

Yet some airlines will charge me an additional $20 for my checked bag when my bag and I combined weigh much less than many passengers. Go figure.

So who is to blame for our growing health issues? Is it the fast food restaurants or the patrons? Is there really a demand for unhealthy food, or just cheap and easy food? I'm thinking the blame should be spread evenly like special sauce on a sesame seed bun.