The Critic's Keyboard

cuz you give, cuz you give

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 01:50:00 +0000

A final reminder - this blog will probably be shut down in a few days - BUT if you haven't, and i know you haven't b/c your links are still old b/c i get hits from this blog all the time from google reader still

ohmadlibs dot wordpress dot com

that is

ohmadlibs.wordpress.com

OR

here

i'm ready, are you ready?

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 23:52:00 +0000

I'm a fan of subtly.

Seriously, don't forget I've moved and update your blogrolls as needed. :) just change it from blogspot to wordpress - it's really that easy. Change your subscription here.

And... of course... feel free to say hey!

you gotta move ...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:14:00 +0000

ok, it's official. seriously, it's really official. time to switch the feeds and links. if you want to keep following me, you'll have to do so over at the new site. I couldn't handle the aesthetics of this blog any longer, and my minimal self-education in how to use HTML was not getting me far enough on blogger to my liking. functionally, I just like wordpress more.

ALSO, dear friends. if you do link me, please only include my first name, at most. if you want to know why, you'll have to learn more here.

the names the same, the host will change - it should be an easy swap in google reader, bloglines, etc.

the world's going down

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 08:30:00 +0000

I'm reading about the evangelical church right now, and how it, in essence, supported and encouraged a further schism between the invisible and visible church (catholic v. reformed issue #892380198). Combine that with the very fleshly struggle I've been having lately about what God is or is not calling me to do, has me thinking a lot.

I am so averse to recreating the wheel - I'd rather go into the axle and do some major repairs, break the wheel down, and restructuring it than just throwing it aside for a new wheel. It has history, it's ridden miles, and gone in places I could only dream I could ever travel.

But yet, I'm also not a fan of riding on a flat wheel that needs put to rest.

And so I sit, internally waging this war over the church and my place: am I supposed to just idly sit by and watch how the church responds when the person puts herself and says, "hiiii, remember me?" Or, am I supposed to fight back. When is it my turn to learn the answers?

i suppose i don't know how

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 06:09:00 +0000

Quite possibly one of my most favorite lines ever uttered in a class happened today.

"Smack that like you're mama"

Any takers on what class and in what context?

you eat my words, and spit them out

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 08:14:00 +0000

Irony? According to Merriam-Webster's website, it's the: "(1): incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2): an event or result marked by such incongruity"

Well, can we discuss my newest frustration? I love gmail, gchat, and the functionality of almost all of google programs: google reader, maps, calendar. But blogger? Yeah, it's driving me bonkers. There is so much I want to do, and can't. And every time I look at a blog that I like, it's hosted on wordpress. I just don't know enough about xml, html, css, etc to play with these layouts, to search (of course, on google) for new layouts for blogger.

Sigh... I think I might need to just bite the bullet and switch. it. might. just. happen.

Edit: oh wow, I can import this blog over there? even more of a reason... sigh

::::::::before i speak:::::::::.:::::kyle riabko:::::

it cuts you... it cuts you down

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 03:50:00 +0000

I've been doing some reading on a blog that I really appreciate. I never really comment, thought. Below is the only comment I've ever left. Sometimes I see people's comments on the blog and I find myself first almost irate, then sad. I think Anne's got some great thoughts, and she's certainly representing a large portion of the evangelical voice, certainly to some degree venturing further into conversation, etc.

But, I guess my once conservative mind has been released a bit in the past few years. My NT professor the other day mentioned to me that she's glad about the future of the evangelical church, if people like some in a class are actually the supposed leaders rising up. I'm not quite sure if I am one of those people, per se, but I hope that I can continue to be a voice of something - reason, truth, love, wit. (Ok, so maybe not the last! :) )

The comment I left here is in response to this blog and this one. I'm gonna be honest, it took me about 2 hours to make it through all the comment (and I started writing another blog for another day because of some of the comments. My mind is running circles - too bad its not for my final on Monday. Grace, Jesus?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -- - -
I just caught up (thank you grad school for keeping me so far behind on the blogsphere) on the two blogs on breasts, and I have to say my heart is utterly broken at the moment. I've having fits of emotions. There are parts of me that want to scream, cry, write, pray, talk, and pontificate. I totally hear the argument that, in essence, loving our brothers means to be modest. Yup, gotcha. And I hear the argument that women judge and compare and must stop. Amen. I used to think something was utterly wrong with me bc I compared.

But, here's where I get lost...

1) people getting angry and attacking on Part 1 that the negative thoughts are being expressed. Does this issue change your view on salvation? I hope not. If so, wow, I'm sorry. Honestly, I am. It doesn't mine, at least. It's a grey area, for sure, in my book. So if someone is offering an alternative experience, especially when they are in the minority, it's awesome to converse, not blame or talk down to.

2) I don't understand why Christians are so compelled to to talk about issues that are not the actual issues, but rather the symptoms of issues. We talk about how men struggle with their visual minds because of how women dress. I get that. We talk about how women are catty about how the other woman looks. Yup. But we don't talk about how by labeling breasts any of the aforementioned names, or by comparing breasts, butts or legs, we are in fact still modeling the very objectification of women (and men, for that matter) that the rest of society does.

If we're supposed to be fighting the world, does modesty actually cut it? It seems like a band-aid that other cultures have tried for years, and yet I'm pretty sure it's still just objectifying bodies of women, no matter how un-appealing or unattractive to some it might be.

Our issue, as a culture, and certainly as a Christian subculture is that I don't see us really addressing the issues, we're just addressing the symptoms of our issues. And that is not transforming anything.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts. Maybe I've gone coo-coo out in LA in the smog since I got to seminary. Sorry for seeminly hi-jacking this blog with my comment! (And thanks for the freedom to do so!) ;)

I didn't know I would feel this way

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Tue, 27 May 2008 19:30:00 +0000

Confession time.

I think I'm becoming emailcentric. Hmm, what is this neologism, you might ask? Um, I think I don't trust people who don't have gmail.

Yeah, I think I have a problem.

Help? Anyone else feel this way? Or the reverse? Are their googlephobics out there?

:::portland:::....:::....justin mcroberts....:::

you're so much stronger than you know

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Mon, 26 May 2008 08:42:00 +0000

In the past few weeks, I've heard a lot of reference to the seminary process at Fuller. I repeatedly have heard people discussing the terms deconstruction and construction, and notably find myself more and more frustrated every time I hear the phrase. I've been trying to figure out why. Why do I get annoyed when someone is so afraid of or annoyed by the very notion of deconstruction? What's the danger in it? What's the value in it? Why are Christians so afraid of it?

Now I would certainly not say that I am anything close to the authority on the issue, nor do I know every specific intention of a seminary education some days, but because this topic has come up so many times, I think I might have a few thoughts to share:

1) Christians are afraid to go into valleys - I think we have a vertical fear - can any psychologist tell the word for the opposite of the fear of heights? I'm amazed so many choose to go to the Grand Canyon on their travels to Pasadena!

2) Christians are cocky. Yup, I said it. I think we're cocky. And self-righteous. And the list goes on...

I have this difficulty where I read about these other people who want to walk away from the word Christian because I so direly want to follow. I want to abandon the epistemological challenge; I want to run for labeling that I so righteously fear. Yet what value is there in my walking away from the very truth of who I am. Do I really think that Jesus came to start a whole new faith? No. Was I born into the Jewish tradition? No. What choice have I?

I do not think that Jesus wants me and a group of rebel-rousing, Christ-believing, hope-seeking women and men to start our own, more comfortable version of Christ-following religion. If Christ came to reform, and called out Pharisees, Sadduccees and the like, why in the world do I think it is appropriate to create my own version of church or Christianity? We're all gonna do it wrong in some fashion, no?

We struggle in the midst of knowing truth in how to conscientiously share this truth without recreating the us/them infrastructure - I equate it to a baseball game's vendor? God Jesus? $5. $5 here. And then of course, we gotta stick our tongue out too. And yet, when a professor in a classroom tells us that maybe the text we call holy is - gasp - flawed by redactors (read: editors), but is still containing ultimate truth, some people around run and get angry at the deconstruction of their so-called faith.

I mean, I can't blame the hurt and pain of the deconstruction. I face it when I struggle with various issues walking around campus; when I see peers struggle with homosexuality, image issues, or addictions. Maybe because my deconstruction of faith came at a much earlier age. When you're 13 and your sibling is suddenly absent from his bedroom and you have no answers as to why death, cancer or loss is okay in life, and yet you're supposed to go worship at church this God who takes and supposedly gives with unending love, your framework for faith radically shifts. It's been deconstructed to the core. I could have walked away - I did. I was done with it. And yet when I turned around, the Constructor was waiting with arms wide open.

I have seen where the valleys and the peaks have taken me - I end up in the same place. I end up back in those very arms of a God who is omniscient and who laughably (and heartily) teaches me when I choose to re-create the wheel. So the last few weeks have been a bit of both: construction and deconstruction. And I don't want that process to end. I guess I just want more control... sigh... silly, silly me.

Thus the new blog title, the new set-up, and some subtle changes to me... who knows where this is going... but I see a ride for a life-time continuing. This - I like this me. God's radically up to something. And I think I'm more ready than I've ever before been.

:.:::::bullhorn theory:::::..::..:::justin mcroberts:::..:

you don't have to...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Sun, 25 May 2008 05:32:00 +0000

Dear God -

I'm not quite sure why things have been so chaotic and yet edifying in the last few weeks, and I certainly do appreciate the growth, and duly note that I should be careful regarding my interceded requests. But, seriously, I think I'm "okay" with some downtime until the end of June, at least. The adage that God will only give you what you can handle is a little bit annoying right now.

Sincerely,
Stressed in 'Sadena

.....you don't have to believe me......::....eric hutchinson....

let the (wo)man I love...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Sun, 18 May 2008 07:14:00 +0000

Thank you, God, for live music.
Thank you, God, for friends.
Thank you, God, for safe car rides.
Thank you, God, for free parking.
Thank you, God, for iPhones.
Thank you, God, for Hotel Cafe.

But no thank you, God, for squirting lime on the head... it's okay, we know they're immature. But still, yuck!

::::let the woman::::..:::andy davis:::

if you must, and you trust

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:20:00 +0000

Fact: My status on Facebook has claimed that I am "sick" of the same questions.
Fact: I don't lie on Facebook.
Fact: Going home is difficult.
Fact: Defining home is even more difficult.

I was back in Indianapolis/Zionsville last weekend. It was a quick little jaunt back to the Midwest. Funny that this trip didn't feel like I was going home when I stepped on the plane. I realized that when I my friend Kristin dropped me off at the airport - I do not know what I call home anymore. I remember that moment when Z'ville felt like home for me. And when college did. Now, not so much.

I'm not quite sure if the feeling is that Pasadena/Fuller are now home, or if it is that I do not have a "home." There is something rather temporary that I sense at Fuller. (i.e. I do not anticipating being here forever.)

Nonetheless, as I visited, met and listened to people back at home, I realized how deep a disconnect I now have with that so-called community. They know so little about my life, and I know so little about theirs.

I was rather offended and hurt that they knew so little and our conversations were forced to be so pat because my old friends and co-workers just had nothing to base a conversation on. It is one thing for a parent to see me at church and ask where I'm working, how classes are, when I'm done. Those are questions that are overarching and they have no need to know more about. But for my old boss to not know where I'm working, when I'm finishing, etc., really left me at a loss of words.

I sat in an office of one of the pastors and burst into tears Monday afternoon realizing how little they knew of the changes, growth, challenges, hurts, joys, struggles, and triumphs of the last year and how to explain who I am, what I'm really good at, what I'm really passionate about, and why I am who I am would mean a whole day of talking. I felt as though hurt him to tell him, rather bluntly, "you all really don't know me anymore - that hurts. I'm not a kid. I know I'm the age of some of you're children, and I'm not nearly as mature, or wizened as the rest of you, but you know, people actually trust my opinion - most other adults do. I look like a kid, but I've lived life too."

It was hard. It hurt him. It hurt me. But, it was truth. And yet it becomes my responsibility to re-engage in conversation with the church in Indiana. They want to know more, but I have to call. I have to initiate. I thought relationships were two-way?

what would you do, what would you say...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Sun, 04 May 2008 20:09:00 +0000

I never have considered myself a music snob. I mean, let's consider that when I was growing up, the music my parents exposed me to consisted of Sharon, Lois and Brahm, and a bunch of classical artists for kids (I think I had a fake-crush on Bach... no idea, but man, did I love him!), Abba, Mannheim Steamroller, and Amy Grant.

Yup. Fabulous.

Can I go run in a corner? O.M.G. I'm so embarrassed to put that out there.

Okay, I might as well continue this confessional. There is a recording of me at age 3, with my Snuggle Bear from Grandma (err, Mugga, as I called her). The song was something about a witch and a broom, and I sang (read: screamed) a little diddy. Thank God my mother doesn't know how to post on YouTube. O.M.G. It was bad.

The story goes that my parents knew since I was barely a 1-year-old girl that I was an independent ham. My parents figured I'd either be an actor, singer, or politician because of my demeanor. I guess my parents told one another that they'd really encourage me to be an actor because I was such a wretchedly horrible singer. So imagine being in the 2nd grade play and my parents getting a note from Mrs. Sanford, the music teacher at Chestnut Elementary school saying that I was singing a solo. They literally thought that it was going to be so embarrassing that they did not want to record it. In fact, they came with a camera and were planning on telling me that the battery died and couldn't record it.

I guess they now have tons of guilt because apparently my voice had developed - maybe it was all that Sharon, Lois and Bram. I was the show-stealer, and my parents had no recording of it - and my mother's mom, Grandma A - she apparently was livid with my mother for not recording it anyway. :)

I ended up being this singer of sorts - my sister drew, wrote, and well, was all around really artistic. I was the musician in the family. I started to sing in church when I was in 2nd grade. The first song? The National Anthem on Memorial Day. Everyone stood up while I sang. Then I sang Go Tell It on the Mountain as my second official solo. I think that was 4th grade. I was in a singing competition in 4th grade for area 4th-6th graders - All-Star Sing. (Yeah, why do I remember these details?) Um, yeah - kinda won some solo - which apparently was a big deal, as I learned in high school. I was apparently this huge disappointment to my middle school teachers when I refused to do anything musical in high school and couldn't compete in state competitions. Meh, I had huge image issues.

Sang The Rose in 8th grade - the whole choir sang backup for me. HA. These are really funny memories. Johnny Angel with the later-to-be-named valedictorian and salutatorian's of the Class of 2000 at FHS. All the while, I had really no idea about music - at all. College was filled only with Christian music (10th grade I gave up all secular music for a boy - that was futile). I sang in different choirs, had the music dept. angry that I wouldn't major in vocal performance, and was somewhat ostracized and forced to stay in the Women's Choir. Blah. I started to hate music - though leading two different bands in college. Yeah, weird huh?

So at the end of college, I don't really know what really caused it, but I found out about this random musician, somehow - Pete Schmidt. Somehow from there I started to listen to all these artists who were not necessarily Christians or were not Christian artists. They were underground-ish, mainly from Nashville or Atlanta, and making a living working on the road and myspace was their forum. Working in Indy I started to actually look for music - a lot. I found a niche again.

It's funny to think about the influence of music and how it's been so formative to who I am. From the girl who couldn't sing and was almost an embarrassment to myself and my parents, to the girl who found her identity in through the worship and Christian music around her, to pushing away from the cliches of Christian music, seking solace in the grassroots music world. As my ecclesiology has changed, so has my musicology. I wonder where it's heading next...

jeremy lister - just one day

alright with me

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 02 May 2008 06:49:00 +0000

hello? anyone home?

not me.

be careful you're future's at stake

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 03:11:00 +0000

A lot of my friends and other extraneous blogs which I read have totally different genres, themes and intentions. They cater to specific audiences. They seek out those audiences, in the midst of drawing them near. I have friends who write daily, weekly, when the baby stops crying, when a new album appears, when the telephone stops ringing, when the stress level is too high.

Which has me thinking lately - what the hell am I doing on here? Is this just therapeutic? Do I want attention? Do I like helping other people know that they're not alone? Do I like to make people laugh/roll their eyes?

I see some blogs and think, I could do that. I see others blogs and think, I'll never do that.

I guess the thing I love about this space is its raw - for the most part. For every published blog, I probably have 2 sitting waiting to be finished and some never to be touched again. Well, in the raw form that this blog is in, I hope that maybe I can draw some of you "out" - out and into conversation. It doesn't mean that I am changing what I'm doing, or that I'm shutting down. Nothing like that... Let's be honest, not much if anything will change. But I wonder what sort of a community can actually form on this little blogsphere. I have no idea who all subscribes, who all reads, who lurks, who stumbles, or who trips into this little space of themadlibs.

But what I would love to see is exactly who you are, and why you're here. What you want to say (type), read, or laugh at with me. Do you want to remain anonymous? Sure, go for it. Send me an e-mail (the mad libs at gmail dot com) if you don't want to go "public" with your subscription. I know you're out there.

I don't know - it seems like high time I stop hiding behind a black screen and white keys. Or maybe its just a whole new level of living with it.

:::::musical seats....::...cabin...::::::: <---latest worthy obsession - o.m.freaking.g.

hope is where we're starting from...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 07:04:00 +0000

The other day my friend mentioned for about the 5th time that she was studying Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. I'll humbly admit I hated the book. I should add two caveats: 1) I didn't finish the book, and 2) I seriously am starting to think I love to be the opposition (far more than I ever wanted to admit!) Nonetheless, I really struggled with the book, in major part because I read it as though the author suggested that being a Martha, while certainly "okay," was not as superior to being a Mary. I think it felt like another reminder that I was lesser: not a wife, not a mother, not a man, not a real professional, not not not... For some reason, labeling me the Martha in the room was a sign yet again that I was an outcast in whatever room I entered.

So when recently my friend was telling me about the book, my eyes admittedly rolled, and I honestly found myself wanting to re-read it (which is again, not normal for me). It made me realize, thanks maybe to the spirit of God grabbing hold of my heart and my mind, that I have a compulsion for comparison.

Was the book comparing Mary and Martha, or was I? Yes. Yes. Do I compare myself every freaking day of my life to any number of people, ideas and things? Sigh. Yes. Why am I? I think back to the days of Mary and Martha (ha, I'm writing that as though I once lived then!) and don't think the mirror was there. Could I look at myself in the same light as others? Could I make up my own version of the truth about how I look, who I am, or how others perceive me with the support of video camera, mirrow and digital cameras, or will I, like most every other woman I know, continue to look at ourselves through someone else's lens, expectations and desires.

Gosh darn it... that's why I hated that book. I didn't like it because it set Mary and Martha, not as equals. While the book certainly take things as extremely as I felt it did, I am certain that when I read it and still to do this day if I were to reread it (which I won't, let's be honest here), the idea that we look at two people and can see two women and compare them isn't fair or proper theology. They are each individuals. They are each women. They are created in the image of God. And they both aren't perfect. That's where the lines stop for me. That's where I want theology in the midst of popular culture to go. I don't need idols. I don't need someone else to measure up to.

I think I'm really pondering more and more that the idea of "being Jesus" does not at all mean picking characteristics identical to Jesus each responding to every situation as glibbly as the next. I mean, can you imagine if during a we all walked out in single file line and no one took charge, because all acted identical. Or we all were leaders. Both would still foster insanity. I really think its about figuring out how to take the personalities (the insane differences we all embody) and tempering them with the mind of Christ, not the characteristics of Christ. We interchange mind and character and I don't think that's fair... at all.

Am I totally off here? Am I a walking heresy? Probably. I just wonder if its a standard heresy, or a heresy for my time... haha, not that I think I'm some Martina Luther or something... eek, I did just write that ridiculous statement, didn't I?

it feels the same to you

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 07:43:00 +0000

Occasionally, probably once a week, I have a habit of going to my hometown paper's online service and checking out some of the news. The Pennsylvanian version of the Mistake on the Lake (in other words, Erie) is home to some crappy writing. We're talking some gouging your eyes out, what am I reading, is this really news, wow this is so irrelevant to the rest of the world, what decade does the city I used to call home exist in sort of writing. First of all, I should note how few female writers are a part of this paper. I do not know how much I actually contemplated it in high school or college; maybe it wasn't a problem, but my assumption is I was never taught to ponder any sort of potential (or existent) disparity.

So as I slowly ventured into the Erie Times-News website today, and was meandering through the sports section (of course!), I somehow hit a link through my keyboard and ended up on "it." Hmmm... I'm not quite sure how to ponder some equality issues in the US. There in front of my eyes was "HerTimes." Yes, HerTimes. Below are the questions and thoughts that immediately followed this discovery:

1) Where is HisTimes?
2) Wait, does that mean that the Erie Times-News is for men on the whole?
3) Why is this article better written than any other article I've read so far in the Erie Times-News?
4) Wow this is better written and more thoughtful than E.T.N.
5) This article isn't devoted to women alone!
6) WHY IS THERE AN ONLINE VERSION OF NEWS SEPARATELY DEVOTED TO WOMEN ONLY?!
7) Do I really get feminism?
8) Is Libby Feminison getting over-sensitive? (If you have no idea what I'm referring to, ask me in a comment and I'll explain.)
9) How would my mom respond to this?
10) Wow I over-analyze things.

Yeah... I'm... baffled. Seriously.

hope is where we're starting from

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 01:26:00 +0000

I've never wanted to get very political over here. I mean, I guess that's a total lie, because for as much as I claim that, I am often political. Some days I wonder how I didn't end up in that world. Ha. I think maybe I am a 4 Marsha!? :)

Being from PA, I am a registered republican (might I add that back in my hometown if you weren't registered as a republican, you had no vote come primary time), I have no real vote in the upcoming contested PA primary (too bad I didn't think to update that when I was back in PA - sigh!)

All I can say to my friends back in PA is get out and vote on the 22nd. This might be one of the biggest votes you'll ever play a role in (of course, there was that first election my generation voted in: the Bush/Gore (dare I say, hanging chad) debacle!.

Just get out and vote if you can, friends.

::::hope is where we're starting from:::::.::.::.::::justin mcroberts::::

i'm hooked...on facebook

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 09:23:00 +0000

You know those really long, really intense days that you're utterly exhausted, and yet can't fall asleep at the end of the night?

They are not always my favorites.

And it's arrived, yet again. At least I'll always have youtube, facebook and ... oh, the combo!

and my friends, yes, that is a song - - - of another FB video on youtube! :)

in the arms of a lover

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:30:00 +0000

Like I said, I think I'm back (or I don't want to work on homework!) Either way...

I've been waking up really early lately - granted, this is my form of measurement, not yours. So when I've been waking at 7 am on my own volition, I get angry. Granted, I do enjoy mornings post-anger from cold drafts in my room. But, anyway. This morning, I woke up and for some reason put on Bravo. It. is. my. addiction. I knew cable was going to be dangerous, and last week's spring break only encouraged that behavior to some degree.

So here I've been sitting watching yet another tv show on Directv which is taking more and more interesting perspectives on women and their worth. It's beginning to fascinate and nauseate me more and more. This morning my choice is a marathon of Real Housewives of New York City. Wow. WOW.

Having family in NYC, I know about a lot of the in-and-outs of education in NYC and how parents are fighting tooth and nail to get into the "best" and richest private school. It's all about the parents, let's be honest here. Well, at least about the bottom line.

Some of the parents goals are solely social. (I mean, doesn't everyone want to be in the socialites section of the paper tomorrow morning?!) Prime example: A mom leaves for the day, and you see her 12-year-old son crying, whimpering. "When are you going to be home? Are you going to be home earlier?" Mom's response? Snickering, she responds, yes, as she's rolling her eyes with him behind her. His two-year-older sister meanwhile acts disillusioned and untrusting of adults as the housekeeper/nanny explains that their mother really does love them. "Whatever." The mom, in her 40s, is hanging out with her niece, a 23-year-old, because she likes how young and uncommitted to anything she feels. She can only do this when her rich and elder husband is away on business. Those are the "fun" days. If she can go out and hang with the young hipsters, learn the cool trends, that will be validating.

Of course there was also the parents who specifically spoke about how they want their daughter to find a job where she is self-sustaining away from a man, because you find your life fulfillment in money, not men. Okay, I'll take half of that and say "Yes." Yes, you are not or should not find validation as a woman through having a man's hands wrapped around your hips. But seriously, when all you do is jump from man to man, do you really believe that?

Wow. America is a disarming and disturbing place to live. Life is all about ourselves, our needs, our goals, me. me. me. me. me. But maybe what's worse is that I can in fact imagine what these 12 year olds on the screen will be like in 15 years. It scares me. It breaks me. What is our generation teaching the generation to follow? I don't know if I really want to raise a child in America with it the way it is. I cannot dream of loving the world that they will live in! :(

I guess the problem is that I don't really know how to fight it. How do you do youth ministry, and say to kids, well, this isn't just about you, but at the same time say that you matter, and are a special individual. It seems that we lose the way to love in one of two distinct manners: we either encourage narcissism or self-loathe. Sigh... this will probably be the topic of much angst in future ministry.

God, teach me.

for your own goodness sake

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 06:38:00 +0000

Starting the new quarter, I noticed today that my classes are going to intersect in some highly exciting and challenging manners. It is so exciting, and yet so overwhelming. I guess that's because I don't want to believe that I'm learning things I care about. Yet knowing that a new quarter is beginning means that I yet again am inching closer to not formally studying this stuff. I think in some manner, I could do this forever (minus the whole paying for it thing, oh, and the working and studying crap I'm in). I'm not quite sure how this happened or why it is so alarming to think about moving beyond seminary, but it is. Maybe it only reminds me that a year and a half from now, I'll be potentially moving? A real job? No more internships?! No freaking way!

All of this transition has led to an overwhelming amount of processing and questioning in the last few months. It's not so much that I do not believe in or trust my call to ministry. But I sincerely have been asking the question of "is that all?" I feel selfish when I think it. I feel like I'm a brat, to be perfectly honest. It sounds as though I don't value or really comprehend the brevity of a call to ministry, let alone what i call a deep and meaningful call to youth ministry.

The one thing that I do believe is that my life for years to come is going to include reading often and dialogging about culture, youth ministry, families, crisis, pastoral counseling, psychology, and adolescence. This is where my life seems to be inching. For all the time I can spend avoiding homework reading blogs about March Madness, analyzing my bracket, finding new music or reading about the new Indians' season, I cannot deny that my heart bleeds and tears when I still get phone calls from back in Indiana or Pennsylvania, read status, look at pictures, or just watch dang tv anymore!

Youth ministry is my call. I just wish God wasn't always so ambiguous about its' praxis in my dang life.

I don't know what to do...

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:00:00 +0000

Wholly moley. It's been 30+ days since I wrote a blog entry and published it. Please note said distinction. I can't find the heart to share what I've written, or the time to complete the thoughts. But, I digress.

The last month has included phone interviews, quarters ending, grades returning, trip planning, traveling, paper-writing and sleeping. Oh, and working. Yes. Another quarter has come and gone, making the grand total of 6 quarter completed - or you could look at it as:80 credit hours of graduate work. WHAT THE HECK! Some people finish a degree with another 12, and I'm looking at this as the "just past the midway point."

Um, excuse me, but I thought I'd let you know that I'm apparently getting a masters. I don't know, but that clicked the other day and I heartily laughed. I laughed because I can't imagine that in a year I'm done with school. I found this past quarter that the passion I knew I once had for school and learning came pulsating back into my heart. My competitive self still shines through. This charisma has certainly been lost as of late though. I don't know how much I really liked myself at times this past year. I'm hoping a change happens this next quarter.

Life is crazy, I have thoughts that are bursting from the stretched seams. And, I do miss all of you. Wee, this quarter is going to be a bit much, but I guess I need to buckle in - it's going to be a LONG ride this time around.

more than I can give

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 08:24:00 +0000

So I laugh often at the reality that my worlds not only collide at insanely deep and intertwining levels, but also leave me lonely for something of the past. The irony of this reality is that I hunger for the future. I'm the person who during the second week of the quarter is wondering what classes are offered in the following, just because. Or the girl who is in the middle of seminary, and yet wants to know what the future precisely holds. I can't stop being that vision focused, future-at-bay, what's-next-asking girl. It's been in my bones since - well, since I knew how to speak. Which, according to my mother, would have to be when I was 10 months old and spoke my first word - in Japanese??? Ya, apparently. Don't ask, I'm confused too.

This quarter has been a ride and a half. The other night in the car a friend remarked by how during the first few weeks she was trying to wake up, the next few it was more of trying to survive, and now all of a sudden its the end of the quarter. Soooo true. How in the world is tomorrow Thurs of week 8?!?! WOW!

I need to take it a bit slower, but then again, I want things to move fast - Project Runway ends in a week! :)

::::lonely one::::...::::griffin house::::

i will never understand you (or me)

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:16:00 +0000

As a child of the 80s, I went to college right on the cusp of an electronic educational boom. At Westminster, one of the major selling points to students were the "smart classrooms." In them we had integrated overheads, projectors, DVD/CD players, and more. This made us technologically advanced. To get the internet at school, however, you had two options: plugging into it through the network or a computer lab. There was no internet in classrooms, and I don't think it was until my senior year that I had even heard of wireless internet in the classrooms.

So when I got to Fuller last year the idea of having wireless in one building was incredibly enticing. While not a foreign concept to me, I was excited to reach the library's internet from my classroom. I'm not sure if it's because I had a viable distraction, or if it was just to be rebellious, but something compelled me (and others, many, many others) to indulge in the world wide web (thank you, Al Gore?).

And so when in late April our campus administration unveiled wireless internet throughout campus (that actually reaches my apartment- shh!!), I was elated to relinquish the fight for internet with McAlister Library weak feed - as was the entire campus. Or so I thought.

There is now a massive debate between faculty and students over the role that the internet has, and what role teacher and student plays in class structure. Note that this entire debate is unspoken - but we all know, to varying degrees, that faculty doesn't like it. Some faculty have a major problem with the reality that students are in fact online during their lectures. Similarly, some students are frustrated by the distractions that other student's internet/computer usage presents.

Conversely some students welcome the internet for any number of reasons: alleviating boredom, providing a distraction, or looking up things pertinent to class during the lecture. Of course there have been students doing things that I would call ridiculous, namely watching movies or video games. That's where the line is drawn for me. Come on!!! Seriously? Why are you in class?! Why the money? Why the time?

Thinking back to my last educational experience, when I was in my "smart classroom" days at Westminster, I was gifted at writing out my schedule during a class that was less engaging, or in one that I was choosing to disengage. Some days I was really good at drawing stars and hearts. (But in reality, I struggled for four years to make a perfectly outlined star sans crossed-over-lines. Alas, I am not an artist.)

This topic might seem a bit trivial, but the school must recognize the catch-22. My fear is that the institution, or in the very least administration, could take a stand erring on the side of faculty, instead of students. My retort would be to change the size of classes. I'm sure it won't happen. But that's my major gripe. I want more contact with some professors that a 70-person class will ever allow, no matter how gracious or willing the faculty member may be with office hours and e-mail.

The question about computers, the internet and classes is both pedagogical and philosophical. Why express the desire to teach in an environments without a laptop, and yet have some classes that require me to print off 100 pages of material? Why put plugs in a classroom that I'm not supposed to sit with a computer? I don't feel like wasting all that paper, let alone the additional paper to take notes, so I choose to bring my laptop to class. Why have a class where I must take notes for every class only to turn in the notes in paragraph form?

Different courses require different forms of engagement in class, but the reality is that certain professors are requiring us to bring a laptop in order to keep with all the information thrown at us in a two-hour window. I had a class this past summer that after 12 hours of lectures, I had 37 pages of outlined notes. There is no way I would have had that much had I been using a notebook and paper. And more importantly, if I want to be distracted, I will. If I want to focus, I will.

In many of the tours that I give, I have never once not been asked about the internet at Fuller. "Do you have wireless?" "Does internet reach the classroom?" I don't know if having the internet or not using makes me less of a Christian or a follower, as does doodling, texting, sleeping, talking, or missing classes. There will always be students who skip the majority of classes, not complete all the reading, daydream or sleep.

Certainly faculty recognizes extenuating circumstances for students. But it seems that the internet could end up being the administration or faculty's response to a growing frustration that the faculty has in regard to ever-challenging demands put on them by students, administration, and peers to be engage, challenge, and motivate every single student. Just as they want a perfect student, so too do I want a perfect faculty member. I want a professor who doesn't go on tangents every five seconds, who is always prepared for a lecture, who remembers that not everyone learns in one teaching method, and who recognizes that sometimes an extenuating circumstance means I can't make it to class.

But I'm ridiculous in demanding the perfect lecturer. The reality is that in this broken environment where each person should be willing to admit that we aren't perfect, neither side is always willing to allow for these very flaws. We moan, groan and find specific issues to vehemently fight. I'm not sure that any of these tactics will ever solve our problems.

Both sides will have to come to the table aware that students will distract themselves, internet or not. Professors may not use visual teaching, and I still need to figure out a way to engage with the material and topic. To eliminate internet in a classroom simply because students aren't all looking at you, or because there is less interaction will still result sans internet. I'd guess that in part its the size, and in part because of the availability of classes for students (read: small number of choices at given times because of lack of space), which again is the heart of the problem at a school this size. And yet I came here in part because of its size: such is the nature of this beast.

Students conversely need to figure out why in the world they're at Fuller. If you're here just because you have nothing better to do, maybe $1400 a class isn't really worth it. If you're going to go to a class and planning to look online and could be distracting others, be kind and sit in the back. If you are easily distracted, sit in the front of the room. The responsibility should be on the students, not only the professors, to facilitate the safe learning environment that the faculty is attempting to create. If we're really adults, and you really are planning on going into full-time ministry, practical psychological work or the mission field, how in the world can you not talk to the distractor and ask them to stop during a break? Do you really need to watch a movie during your systematics class? Really? Grace, folks. Grace.

I've looked at this question from the other side, wondering what would I want from a classroom. I think that of course the ideal setting would have students all engaged, excited, and passionate about my passion, but in reality, some people will have absolutely not passion about youth ministry, but need to fulfill a requirement. What would I do to make a safe learning environment?

I think Day One I'd start the class off at some point by explaining that the front of the room is for those who either easily get distracted, or have a need hearing or sight wise. Those who want to in any way participate as a distraction need to take the back of the room seats. During break switch seats if you find a problem - and I won't take note of the situation. And if you have a problem afterwards with someone being a distraction. Either move yourself or gently ask the person to cease and desist.

Maybe I'm a bit to idealistic, but I'll be honest, I've never heard anything addressed like this in a class at Fuller, yet I know that every professor to varying levels are frustrated. I wish we all knew how to behave like adults from the student and professors' positions, but we all are much better at whining and making sweeping generalizations than we are at maturely and kindly dealing with problems. Tattling or demanding the removal of internet because of the frustration will probably do nothing but angering more and more.

:::::for my generation:::::.::::tyler james::::

when you're talking behind

noreply@blogger.com (yup) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:25:00 +0000

sigh... apparently Presbyterians (plural only) has an anagram

Britney Spears

This explains so much, doesn't it?