THE MAGNIFICENT, MODERN, MATURE CHICKS MANUAL... RE-FRAMING THE ART OF MID-LIFE

EAT your PREY and LOVE it

2011-05-24T12:23:00.003-07:00

Cougars.

Is it me, or did the moniker not have quite such a negative connotation when the usage first began? Does anyone like to be called a Cougar today? Are there women out there who would willingly refer to themselves as Cougars unless they were being paid big bucks to portray one on a reality TV show? Are you aware that along with Cougars there are now Pumas, Mountain Lions, Panthers (black Cougars), Sabertooths and more?

According to the Urban Dictionary, their definitions are as follows;

A COUGAR

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

"That cougar I met last night, showed me shit I didn't know existed, I'm goin back for more."

Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. "Man is cougar's number one prey"

There are millions of them. More famously, Demi and Ashton, Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger, Joan Collins and her hubby, Cameron and Justin, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

An attractive woman in her 30's or 40's who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you.

A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.

A JAGUAR

In the lexicon of older women seeking younger men, a jaguar is 50 and over, where the cougar is in their 40s, and the puma under 40. Jaguars tend to be financially stable and are only looking for sex from their 20 something prey.

"I was eaten by a jaguar last night."

A MOUNTAIN LION

A mountain lion is similar to a cougar, only it refers to an UN-attractive older woman seeking younger men. The only difference between the terms mountain lion and cougar are that cougars are usually somewhat attractive, and mountain lions are usually quite ugly. The mountain lion's natural habitat is at bars.

"I was walking back from the men's room, and a mountain lion tried to attack me with a crotch grab!

I thought I spotted a cougar across the bar, but she turned around, and was definitely a mountain lion."

A SABERTOOTH

A good looking woman of retirement age who enjoys the company of much younger men. In other words, a woman who has outgrown her status as a cougar but is still remarkably attractive. Sometimes referred to as a GMILF.

A woman so old she should be extinct yet still out hunting meat.

A sabertooth is a woman that is the older version of the cougar. A 60+ year old women who is on the prowl for fresh young male meat. She is old, rich, and looking for a crazy night of sex with a guy who can go all night long without Viagra.

A PUMA

A woman who is not quite old enough to be a cougar, but still likes to date/mate with younger men.

"Dating a puma wasn't so bad", Bob reflected. "After all, the sex was great and she never minded picking up the tab when they went out on the weekend."

A young woman typically in the age range of 20 to 32. They lurk in the shadows of bars and clubs wearing the newest fashions and listening to the trendiest music. They mostly hunt in packs for a man typically younger than them that they can string around for the night and make their boy toy. They sometimes travel with a Cougar or two, these are their mothers. Be warned being mauled by a Puma is better than a Cougar or Sabertooth

So how do ya like them apples? I think they're rotten to the core. How did we let this happen to us? Again. Still. How did we strong, independent, fun-loving, fabulous females in our prime allow society to label us so negatively in an effort to keep us where they think we belong?

I found one not-quite-so-bad definition. It's not great but I have to say I prefer it over the others;

A COUGAR

Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts who are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don't have to sneak up and attack...they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won't ask if they'll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.

You know what name I prefer even more? Magnificent, Modern, Mature Chick. That's my label and I'm sticking to it.

National Girlfriend's Day

2011-05-22T06:35:00.001-07:00

BFFs rise up and be heard. We are an underground movement working toward a groundswell. It's coming. I've come up with a date for the official honoring of our great girlfriends. February 13th. It makes sense. Historically 13 is a good number for empowered females and it's right before that other date that can bring a lot of people a lot of grief. That's right, the 14th of February, Valentines Day. This way that weekend does not have to be dreaded or obliterated with alcohol or pints of Ben and Jerry's by the loverless. The loverless can simply choose to celebrate their great girlfriends at restaurants and clubs on that weekend instead. They can be too busy having fun to think about the fact that they are loverless. It takes the pathetic out of the equation and that is always a good thing. Personally I don't think there's anything remotely pathetic about being single. I think singlehood should be celebrated. It's just that Valentine's Day is a big frigging tidal wave to try and surf on your own. Many of us find it easier to take cover on our couches with the Sex and the City girls while Cupid drops his nuclear love bombs all around us. Maybe we need a National Celebrate Singlehood Day. But really I'm only one girl, I can't take on the entire world all by myself. At least not all at once anyway. Today, National Great Girlfriend's Day. Tomorrow, the world.Sex and the City: The Complete Series (Collector's Giftset)Sex and the City 2 Sex and the City 2 Search Amazon.com for sex and the city 2

The Girlfriend's Guide To The Art Of Life

2011-05-22T06:34:00.001-07:00

What would we do without our girlfriends? Torture and maim our manfriends probably. Some of us do that anyway but it's our girlfriends, through the art of deep conversing, who stop us from actually killing our men. Why isn't there a National Best Girlfriends Day? A day where we thank our sisters with flowers and three-martini lunches for advising but not judging, for finely balancing brutal honesty with sensitivity, for constantly reminding us of how fabulous we are in spite of the bad haircut and botched botox and most importantly for reminding us that today's crises too shall pass. In fact our partners should be the ones honoring our girlfriends with bouquets and Victoria's Secret gift cards. They benefit even more than us from our good girlfriend time. Some of our men owe our girlfriends their lives.

Blind Dates--Is It Ever A Good Idea To Enter Into Anything Blindly?

2011-05-19T10:26:00.001-07:00

Is it? Is there any situation one would feel more comfortable in if one were blind other than trying on bathing suits in a three sided mirrored change room with florescent lighting? Do they have to call them blind dates? How about amputee dates? Your friends have obviously decided that you're missing a partner the way some people are missing a limb and you need to have that part replaced, even if it's inferior, even if it looks good on the outside but is void of flesh and blood on the inside so that you're just not feeling it, still it makes them feel better.

Why is it that couples are so intolerant of their single friends relationship status? Why can't they just leave the art of matchmaking up to the Divine, or Fate, or Match.com? They feel better knowing that we're not going to be alone on a Saturday night because they've set us up with Bill from the Marketing Department.

We're supposed to be grateful even though we feel like throwing up for the whole cab ride to the restaurant. Some of us simply don't have the stomach for blind dating. Getting queasier, we scan the crowd at the bar trying to spot Bill based on the great personality and killer sense of humor that our friends assured us he possessed. We also look for the red shirt he said he'd be wearing and hope it's not as loud as it sounds. A man approaches wearing a blue shirt. So he made a last minute wardrobe change. Not a problem. I created a Kilimanjaro of clothes on the floor of my bedroom before I finally settled on the coral sweater I'm wearing tonight.

The friends definitely exaggerated the thinning hairline thing, he's got a great head of curls. He's a lot bigger than they described too. So glad I'm not blind. I flash him my freshly Zoomed smile. Gorgeous smiles back about four inches to my left and then wraps his arms around a woman next to me who is not me. A guy in a red shirt, my height, with a receding hairline approaches, smiling just a little too eagerly. This is why they're called blind dates. Cause at this moment I'm embarrassed to admit, I almost wish I was.