Here’s a classic example of “more is less”.  There’s nothing inherently bad or obnoxious about the current group of Education Connection commercials.  The problem comes from their sheer ubiquitousnes.  Day or night – regardless of channel it seems – this chick in her pajamas is in my face an average of every 7.2 minutes.  But I can understand why – how else would you be able to find out about online schools and scholarships?

Oh wait, you can USE THE INTERNET.

And how ’bout those production values!  Apparently this girl isn’t just wearing pajamas, she’s wearing see-through pajamas.  Look closely at them starting around the 23-second mark, and you’ll see the graphics flying through her shorts.  I’ll just assume none of these online schools teach TV production.

Luckily Education Connection has made it possible to annoy people in two languages:

¡Uy, cursos sólo están disponibles en Inglés!

And don’t even get me started on this one.

.

Mmm mmm, how ’bout those pro-tee-ins!  They sure are most useful.

For a more in-depth look at Life’s pre-Mikey advertising, check out Eater.

The failures and successes of Atari in the ’70s and ’80s are well-documented, but if you were of gaming age back then there was no doubt that for a brief time, they were the kings of gaming.  Oh sure, we all knew kids who had Intellivision or ColecoVision – and truth be told they were superior systems – but they were desperately out of step and knew it.

Atari, like many of its contemporaries, was hit hard when the North American video game market imploded in 1983.  They were never able to build on the success of the Atari 2600 console, as the subsequent 5200 console was discontinued after just 18 months on the market and the 7800 was halted for a few years.  But none of that really mattered, as within a few years the Nintendo Entertainment System would begin its ascent into gaming legend, and Atari was toast.

Still, I had a blast playing my Atari.  I had or played all of the games in this ad except for Star Raiders.  I’ll go with Defender and Berzerk as the best of the lot.

1. “In the thirteen months I’ve spent here / with my manuscript and rhymes / I’ve paid in case for foolish pleasures / mother dear you’d call them crimes”

2. “Like a gangster / on the run / you will stagger homeward / to your precious one”

3. “Don’t give us none of your aggravation / We had it with your discipline” – Elton John, “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” (via Facebook comment)

4. “Fifteen years in the academy / he was like no cadet they’d ever seen” – Anthrax, “I Am the Law” (Raiden2332)

5. “Don’t be afraid / I didn’t mean to scare you / so help me, Jesus” – Toadies, “Possum Kingdom” (Thom)

6. “Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends / we’re so glad you could attend / Come inside! Come inside!” – Emerson, Lake & Palmer, “Karn Evil 9, 1st Impression Part II” (Mizerychik)

7. “Took my chances on a big jet plane / never let them tell you that they’re all are the same”

8. “Sergeant O’Leary is walkin’ the beat / at night he becomes a bartender” – Billy Joel, “Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)” (Mizerychik)

9. “In the night, call you up and wanna know when you’re coming home / don’t deny me, call me back I’m so alone”

10. “I ain’t blind and I don’t like what I think I see”

1. Your FarmVille farm gets collectivized and wiped out by drought.
2. Constant invitations to like pages such as “Lee Myung-bak is a loser imperialist aggressor lolz” and “Dear Leader will save all from impotent United States!!!$@#”
3. Annoyingly vague status updates obviously meant to fish for responses or sympathy, like “Ever have one of those days where you just want to cross the 38th parallel?” or “Kim Jong-il is this close to just pushing the button!”
4. They can’t tell the difference between they’re and their.
5. Every North Korean citizen is forced to sign up for an account and friend them just so they’ll look popular.
6. 2,000 photos, all of Kim Jong-il, all of them tagged.
7. They insist on playing every single “Which [random shitty TV show] character are you???” or “Which song by [random shitty band] are you???” quiz and posting the results.
8. Forget Rickrolling, you’ve just been Kimrolled!

You can view the official video here, since I can’t embed it.

Moby Dick

by Herman Melville

white whale, shirr! The White Whale, the White Whale!”

“WHAT whale?”

White Whale—no.”

Ship, old ship! The Dying Whale.

The Whale Watch.

Man, man! “The whale! “The whale, the whale!

The Book of Genesis

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

16 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee.

1 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

9 Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? 3 Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;

come, and I will send thee unto them. 9 Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not:

10 And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children’s children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast:

19 The sons of Rachel Jacob’s wife; Joseph, and Benjamin.

2 Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.

“We choose to go to the moon…”

Address by President John F. Kennedy at Rice University – September 12, 1962

Surely the opening vistas of space promise high costs and hardships, as well as high reward.

This country was conquered by those who moved forward–and so will space.

For space science, like nuclear science and all technology, has no conscience of its own.

There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet.

We choose to go to the moon.

(interrupted by applause) the Mariner spacecraft now on its way to Venus is the most intricate instrument in the history of space science.

Space and related industries are generating new demands in investment and skilled personnel, and this city and this state, and this region, will share greatly in this growth.

Houston, (interrupted by applause) your city of Houston, with its Manned Spacecraft Center, will become the heart of a large scientific and engineering community.

This year’s space budget is three times what it was in January 1961, and it is greater than the space budget of the previous eight years combined.

Well, space is there, and we’re going to climb it, and the moon and the planets are there, and new hopes for knowledge and peace are there.

“Like a Rolling Stone”

by Bob Dylan

Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you?
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Romeo and Juliet

by William Shakespeare

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

ROMEO

The Republic

by Plato

I replied.

I replied.

Right.

If you please.

Right, he replied.

Right, he replied.

Yes, if possible.

If you please.

What an extraordinary man!

If you please.

“The Contest” (Seinfeld episode)

by Larry David

GEORGE: ..JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: ..Elaine. JERRY: Alright.. JERRY: ..(Jerry and George. GEORGE: ..JERRY: Marla?

GEORGE: Kramer?!

“The Grand Inquisitor” (scene from The Brothers Karamazov)

by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Is it Thou?

What canst Thou say, indeed?

For Thou hast come to hinder us, and Thou knowest that.

Knowest Thou that?

Thou didst reply that man lives not by bread alone.

Behold what Thou didst further.

In that Thou wast right.

Thou didst desire man’s free love, that he should follow Thee freely, enticed and taken captive by Thee.

Thou didst Thyself lift up that banner.

The old man shuddered.

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

by Benjamin Franklin

Plutarch’s Lives there was in which I read abundantly, and I still think that time spent to great advantage. In a little time I made great proficiency in the business, and became a useful hand to my brother. In the mean time, Keimer’s credit and business declining daily, he was at last forc’d to sell his printing house to satisfy his creditors. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

bountiful Father! 8 }
9 } Work.
10 }
11 }

2 }
3 } Work.
4 }
5 }

[13] My acts in Morris’s time, military, etc.—[Marg. note.]

“Friends and Countrymen,

“Returned!