The GREAT Relationships Blog

"Everything but the problem"

2010-11-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

"Everything but the problem" is a phrase I came up with several years ago for when people are so in denial that they can only see everything/everyone else as the problem (and spend so much time on those things) instead of addressing the real problem. Funny thing is is that when (if) they start addressing the actual problem all or most of the other perceived problems quickly dissipate. Yet instead so much time and energy is spent and wasted instead on solving every problem except the actual problem.

So simple. So obvious. So often missed.

Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT

Relationship Strategist • Speaker

801.787.8014

www.JonathanSherman.net

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"Create GREATness in Your Relationships"

"Hymn 101"—An Anthem for All Us Real People

2010-11-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

For all of us who try so hard and fail... and still try... just to be known, to be seen, I submit to you this hymn that my brother shared with me.

Hymn 101
Joe Pug

Yeah I've come to know the wishlist of my father.
I've come to know the shipwrecks where he wished.
I've come to wish aloud among the overdressed crowd.
Come to witness now the sinking of the ship.
Throwing pennies from the seatop next to it.

And I've come to roam the forest past the village
With a dozen lazy horses in my cart.
I've come here to get high
To do more than just get by
I've come to test the timber of my heart.
Oh I've come to test the timber of my heart.

And I've come to be untroubled in my seeking.
And I've come to see that nothing is for naught.
I've come to reach out blind
To reach forward and behind
For the more I seek the more I'm sought
Yeah, the more I seek the more I'm sought.

And I've come to meet the sheriff and his posse,
To offer him the broad side of my jaw.
I've come here to get broke,
Then maybe bum a smoke.
We'll go drinking two towns over after all.
Well, we'll go drinking two towns over after all.

And I've come to meet the legendary takers.
I've only come to ask them for a lot.
Oh they say I come with less than I should rightfully possess.
I say the more I buy the more I'm bought.
And the more I'm bought the less I cost.

And I've come to take their servants and their surplus.
And I've come to take their raincoats and their speed.
I've come to get my fill
To ransack and spill.
I've come to take the harvest for the seed.
I've come to take the harvest for the seed.

And I've come to know the manger that you sleep in.
I've come to be the stranger that you keep.
I've come from down the road,
And my footsteps never slowed.
Before we met I knew we'd meet.
Before we met I knew we'd meet.

And I've come here to ignore your cries and heartaches.
I've come to closely listen to you sing.
I've come here to insist
That I leave here with a kiss.
I've come to say exactly what I mean.
And I mean so many things.

And you've come to know me stubborn as a butcher.
And you've come to know me thankless as a guest.
But will you recognize my face
When God's awful grace
Strips me of my jacket and my vest,
And reveals all the treasure in my chest?

Share your thoughts on this song and these lyrics... what do they mean to you/for you?

Teleheath—Giving Clients Greater Choice

2010-11-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

Just did guest interview via Skype for a social work graduate class on the pros and cons of using telehealth in rural settings. I did a tally and found I have/have had clients I have worked with remotely (i.e., via phone, vid, chat) in 13 states, and 5 countries:

USA:
Arizona, California, Colorado, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan, Missouri, New York, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia.

INTERNATIONAL:
Afghanistan, Canada (Alberta and Ontario), England, Mexico, Norway

Telehealth (or remote therapy as I call it) is a fascinating advancement in my field and I'm glad to have been an early adopter. Amazing how technology is helping bring more help to more people, give clients greater choice over their care instead of just "taking what they can get."

Someday I'll post the interview to further illustrate the pros and cons, some considerations on how to do it effectively, etc... or make it into an FAQ for clients.

Note: This map should show Canada highlighted (I've worked with clients in two provinces there).

My Daily Pre-Thanksgiving Gratitude List (updated daily)

2010-11-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

Today, Nov 11th on Veteran's Day I'm thankful for the veterans I know personally:

My dad: George S. Miller, Army, Vietnam
My brother Benjamin J. Sherman, Air Force
My father-in-law: Warner B. Poppleton, Navy
My friend: Rod Morgan, Army, Korea
My friend and colleague: Jason Williams, National Guard, Iraq
My neighbors:

Josh Grace, WWII
Ron Smith, WWII
Lamar Cox, Vietnam
Col. Matt Price, National Guard (Iraq 2x)

My former neighbors:

David Bertele, Marines
Phillip Bertele, National Guard (?)

My ancestor: General William Tecumsah Sherman (Civil War)
Numerous clients I can't name due to confidentiality.

And I'm thankful for the many, many, many more veterans I don't know.

Thank you all!!!

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share in the comments below...

About this ongoing post...
Appreciation and gratitude cover a lot of ground. In my life and in my work gratitude and appreciation help develop self-mastery, transform marriages, reduce stress, improve parenting, increase happiness and develop a sense of well-being.

Our friend and neighbor, Rachelle Upwall, recommended listing one thing a day we were grateful for as a prelude to Thanksgiving. Great idea!

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share...

Previous Days...

Nov 10th, #10: I am thankful for veterans. Last night, in honor of Veteran's Day this week, our Young Men's group went to the homes of two different veterans in our neighborhood and listened to their stories of service as young men in WWII and the Vietnam War. Impressive stories by impressive men. Our freedoms come at a high price. Veteran's Day is tomorrow. Take some time to express your gratitude openly.

Today, Nov 9th, #9: I am grateful for incredibly silly and brilliant people who have dedicated their lives to making people laugh. What a great thing. One person in particular I'm grateful for is John Cleese and the Monty Python crew. I submit for your viewing pleasure The Minisitry of Silly Walks sketch:

Nov 8th, #8: I am grateful for THE best chicken pot pie on the planet! OMY! (oh my yum!) Surrounded by my awesome family and our dear friend.

Nov 7th, #7: I am grateful for the inspired, creative author who penned the words below that centuries later still stir my soul and remind me to be at peace. I am grateful for the skilled composer who created the melody that so perfectly was used to convey the words. I am grateful for the talented singers who bring it all to life.

Hymn: Be Still, My Soul
Author: Written by Katharina von Schlegel in 1752
Tune: The Finlandia Hymn, composed by Jean Sibelius in 1899 and 1900
Singers: Libera Boys Choir

Be still my soul - the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change - he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul - thy best thy heavenly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul - when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the vale of tears,
then shalt thou better know his love - his heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul - the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them - while he dwelt below.

Be still my soul the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment - grief and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot - love's purest joys restored,.
Be still my soul - when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed - we shall meet at last.

Nov 6th, #6: I am grateful for a lawn to mow and a home to live in.

Nov 5th, #5: I am thankful today for opportunities. What kind? You name it: Opportunities... afforded by living in a free country; to work; to learn from mistakes; to learn from intelligent, compassionate and wise people; to better myself; to provide for my family—both their physical and emotional needs; to serve; to be served; to stand up for others; to be kind; to practice my faith; to learn from other faiths; and many more.

Nov 4th, #4: I am grateful today for my courageous clients: The odds-defiers, the chain-breakers, the marriage transformers, the destiny creators. These brave and wise souls take full ownership of their lives and reject the shackles of history, ignorance, despair and habit. I am grateful that I am inspired daily by these dear people who let me into their lives and witness such beautiful and powerful change.

Nov 3rd, #3: I am thankful for my Treasures (Adam, Emily, Molly and Matthew).

Nov 2nd, #2: "Everything's Amazing and Nobody's Happy" clip. Funny and so true.

Nov 1st, #1: Since my wife is 1st I'll start there. To my wife, Kara, this morning I wrote on her Facebook wall: "I was just looking at pictures you've posted here of our family... having a 'moment'... and loving you so much for the family you've made for me. I love you and our kids forever."

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share...

Self-Mastery Tip: Feel, Align, Delight = Peace

2010-11-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

A friend just shared this quote with me which I believe is at the heart of developing self-mastery:

"There is nothing to attain, just feeling, delighting, and aligning."
—The Heart of Transformation, by John Friend (Anusara Yoga)

Right on! Some scriptures came to mind in response to that quote:

"Peace, be still!", "Be still, and know that I am God"
— Quiet the storm and connect with quiet FEELING and just know.

"The kingdom of God is within you", "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
— just ALIGN with what already is. Stop fighting what "should" be and align with what truly IS inside you and around you.

"Consider the lilies of the field...", "Rejoice in the day the Lord has made."
— DELIGHTING in what is all around us already. Rarely do we take the time to consider, delight and rejoice. The old cliché of "stop and smell the roses" is wise indeed.

And while, as the quote states above, "there is nothing to attain", paradoxically while we stop trying to attain and instead focus on feeling, aligning and delighting the result is attainment of the most precious experience of all: peace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you."

Peace,
Jonathan

Parenting Tip: "Children Will Listen" sung by Mandy Patinkin

2010-11-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

Children Will Listen
Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods
Sung by Mandy Patinkin

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey,
but children will listen
Children will look to you
for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"
Children will listen

How do you say to your child in the night?
Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white
How do you say it will all be all right
When you know that it mightn't be true?
What do you do?

Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free
Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

The rest of the lyrics:

How can you say to a child who's in flight
"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"
What can you say that no matter how slight Won't be misunderstood
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in it's head
Things that you're mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see
And learn, oh guide them that step away
Children will glisten
Tample with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"

Self-Mastery: The Wolves Inside You

2010-11-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me.. it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One wolf represents fear, anger, …envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too," he added.

The grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."

Source: I had heard this story years ago and recently found it on Deb Wilson's great blog:

Why compassion for other's weaknesses, shortcomings and faults?

2010-11-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Why compassion for other's weaknesses, shortcomings and faults? I just read a simple and good answer in Catching Fire (2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, p.32):

"Because sometimes things happen to people and they're not equipped to deal with them."

Too often we hold people to the standard of our own preparation and abilities, when the truth is not all are equipped the same. Compassion creates space to learn and become equipped. Judgment creates no space, only demands immediate compliance.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

To the Critics and Naysayers of World:

2010-11-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

My Open Letter to the Critics and Naysayers of World:

Besides your criticisms, Monday morning quarterbacking, and fault-finding of those who actually DO take action, what have you actually DONE yourself? If the answer is nothing, keep your mouth shut.

Thank you,
The Doers of the World

I get weary of all the know-it-alls who are quick to problem-talk, reject solutions, discourage rather than encourage, dash dreams, be loudly pessimistic, give reason after reason why it "can't be done", etc. I've come to the point where I'm done listening to those who don't or won't contribute to improving life. Critics contribute nothing. To paraphrase Yoda, "DO or do not" and if you are a "do not" then keep quiet.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Self-Mastery Tip: The Question of Fair

2010-11-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

In regards to the question of "fair":

Life isn't fair. Waiting for it to be, or expecting it to be, is the fast track to suffering and insanity;
That being said, it is our responsibility to be fair and to make the systems we live in (family, government, work, etc) as fair as possible. This elevates us to a nobler status as human beings as itallows us to rise above "just what we've been given." Doing so allows us to leverage our ability to create and improve.

Thus, stop waiting for life to be fair. Just get to work today and make it as fair as you can. Start with being fair yourself.

Let's hear your ideas...
Instead of complaining about life, work, your marriage not being fair, what do you DO to make it fair?

"The boogie that be"—Silly Dads Sound Off!

2010-10-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? I bet there are plenty. What funny, silly, ridiculous, self-abasing things do you do to make your kids laugh?

Me? Oh mercy! More than I can mention here, but the picture to the right shows my two youngest dancing in my office as they are being introduced to "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang (listen below) by their father (me) who still knows all the words to the oldest of the old school rappers (Sugarhill Gang, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, etc). Fortunately, there are no pictures of my dancing... except for the memories of it in their mind which is just the very picture I want them to have.

A few weeks ago I full out sang some Grandmaster Flash to my 14-year-old daughter—I remember it word for word from way back in 7th grade when it was THE cutting edge. I think she was traumatized, but man was it worth it! I'm sure she told her friends of the horror and I'll never forget the look of mingled amazement (that I actually knew all those words) and disgust (that her 41-year-old hefty white father was rapping!). Well, she may need some therapy, but hey, I've got to look out for my profession and make sure that my colleagues of the future have plenty of clients...

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? Let's hear the lengths you go to get a laugh from your mini minions...

It may be obvious, but I like to make it even more so.

2010-09-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

It may be obvious that I love my family madly, crazy, nutso, gonzo, but I like to make it even more so.

It's just hard hard to make anyone feel too loved or appreciated. I like to flood my family with as many subtle and obvious messages that they are noticed, loved and wonderful.

How do YOU appreciate your family? Please share your ideas.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

The Soul of Compassion: Understanding

2010-09-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves."
—Ender Wiggin, in Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

The key to a GREAT relationship is REALLY understanding, which is the soul of compassion. To know someone so fully that you can see past what you disagree with about them to what really makes them tick. To fully understand them as they are instead of as they "should" be opens up the door to truly loving someone.

How do we then really understand someone? It requires a lot of shutting up and a lot of listening. Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

Shutting Up
Shutting up is not about just closing the mouth, it is about opening the mind to what the person is really saying—to where you can hear them from their hopes and dreams and pain and desperation. It is not about shutting down your opinions. It is about shutting off the noise of your opinions, judgments, corrections, and criticisms long enough so you can really heart what the other is trying to really express even if they are doing it poorly.

Deep Listening
Listen for what is really being said. Listen for their suffering that is at the root of what they are expressing. Connect to it and let the compassion you feel for suffering well up inside of you.

But what if you don't agree? Fortunately, you don't have to agree to listen well. Understanding ≠ agreement, so don't get bogged down in "Yeah, but I just don't agree with what you're saying." Instead, listen so deeply to what is being said that you connect with their suffering in a such a way that your compassion is triggered. When you connect to your compassion they will feel that compassion in your speech and body language. Then they will feel understood. Then they will feel safe with you. That is the deep place that we use deep listening to take us to.

My dad, and educator, once gave me a book on teaching and learning called To Know as We Are Known. The title says it all. That is the secret of what we all want: to be known by others as we know ourselves. That kind of knowing is true understanding which is the very soul of compassion.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts on how YOU use compassion to listen and understand better as well as what gets in your way...

"Create Your GREAT Relationship Brand" Workshop

2010-09-23T19:32:00.001-07:00

"Create Your GREAT Relationship Brand" workshop/fireside this weekend. Hope to see ya there! http://ping.fm/qN59A

Where Do You Draw the Musical Line with Your Kids?

2010-09-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, I got the following question in my email

"Parenting question for you: How do you handle music with explicit lyrics of the swear word type? While I’m pretty much anti-censorship, parenting presents some exceptions to this thinking for me. For example, I really don’t want the kids listening to songs about abuse, rape, torture, other extreme violence, and probably some other stuff I’ve not yet heard but that is out there. Both my wife and I would like to know to what extent you’ve limited, if you’ve had to, your own children’s music listening. What has brought this to mind is a popular song our kids want that has the sh** word multiple times – something the kids hear at school already. There’s a kids version of this song available, sung by kids, but our kids don't like it. If you have a few words regarding what has worked in your family, I’d like to hear them."

Great question.

SHORT ANSWER:
Basic rule: If we don't use that language in our home we don't invite it in our home, either.

LONG ANSWER:
We don't want content (language, images, materials, etc) in our home that we don't speak, hold value to or wouldn't appreciate a guest in our home saying or doing. Just as we would expect a polite guest in our home to respect our values (even if they don't agree with those values) we expect the musicians and actors that we invite into our homes (in a virtual manner via the doors of media) to respect our "house rules". So if we don't use the sh** word in our home we ask the kids to self-censor their own music to respect our home.

Without lecturing, discuss what is appropriate in your home and why.
Generally, they do respect that rule, however, naturally kids want to try their own thing and there have been times when our teens have had inappropriate music in the home. When that happens, and when I notice it, I'll point out the inappropriate content and why it's inappropriate. Sometimes they just listen without paying attention and are genuinely surprised at the content when it's shown to them. Other times they just "say" they didn't know, when in reality they liked the edgy content. Sometimes honestly they didn't understand the reference, context, innuendo, implications or meaning of a phrase. In those cases I'll explain it to them and appeal to their sense of decency and ask what they think about listening to a song that has a great beat, is artistically done, but is conveying a violent, foul, misogynistic, overly sexualized, etc message. Either way, I point it out and re-establish the house rule (see short answer above).

Have rules that appeal to reason.
I think most kids understand and can respect the congruity and logic behind this approach, instead of the weaker, specious reason of the parental stand-by of, "Because I said so". They especially respect it when they know that's "just the way it's always been in our home" from a young age, like you're doing now. Then when they are teens the rule's not challenged that much. Why not? Teens generally don't feel a need to rebel much against rules and systems that make sense and are fair.

Music is more than music: It's exploration.
All that being said, Kara and I, like you, don't want to stifle their musical tastes and so allow a lot of lee-way with the kids choices in music as we understand the importance of music with expression and identity. So basically, pretty much anything is okay so long as it doesn't violate our basics. I believe firmly in the importance of kids, especially teens, to be able to experiment and try our different musical styles, clothes, ideas, etc as external means of exploring what resonates with them and what doesn't. As such, I keep an open mind to music and have pleasantly been exposed to several bands they like that I have come to like, too, such as Death Cab for Cutie, Mayday Parade, Arcade Fire, Weezer, Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park. In turn have been able to turn them on to some of my music such as The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Wolfmother, Band of Horse, Bob Marley, Enya, Jimmy Eat World, The White Stripes, Norah Jones, George Winston, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and peaceful Zen-esque bamboo flute music. There's still plenty of their music I can't get into and vice-versa, but the message is that musical differences are encouraged and respected. Further, because musical variety is respected I think it makes it easier for them to share their favorites with them and vice-versa which expands all of our awareness. The basic message in our house is that "We love good music" meaning that it's music we enjoy, is well done/creative, speaks to us, and that abides by our basic standards. That leaves the house open to enjoy a broad range of eclectic musical tastes from classical, opera, country, alternative rock, pop, classic rock, punk, folk, funk, rockabilly, hard rock, rap, etc.

Be okay taking a stand with your standard.
Sometimes kids will say, "What's the big deal, I hear that at school all the time?" My response, "I agree, you do hear it at school. How often do you hear it here?" I want them to know that standards are standards (meaning they stand/stay) and that ours don't get watered down, blown over or become value-neutral just because other people have different or no standards.

Balance openness with boundaries.
There is definitely a balance between being open and not having clear boundaries. I think when it comes to music we've done well in this area. They kids know they have tremendous freedom with their musical choice and expression within fair and reasonable limits. The limits are based in reasonable expectations to basically listen to music that is respectful of our home specifically and of people in general.

Musical preference is instructive and informative.
Kids music is often diagnotist/informative to me. Not in a sense that I use their music to limit them by labeling or pigeon-holing them. But, as a means of understanding what they are drawn to and find interesting. It's also a great medium to connect and discuss what's important to them. I invite them to tell me who's playing, what they like about it, interesting facts about the band/song, etc. It's interesting to find out what they value, feel and think that I might not otherwise learn without the medium of discussing what's important to them about their music and it's meaning to them.

Here's a simple activity:
Unless it's blatantly inappropriate, take a moment to really listen to your kids music. Pick some that you generally don't enjoy. Don't limit your perception based on whether you like it or not, but consider fully why it might appeal to your child. Sit with the music for a while. Get up and dance to it. Get into the "groove" and experience it as it is. You still might not like it, but you may find you've learned something about it and more importanly about your child. Surprise your child with, "You know I listened to (band name) that you like so much, and I have to say I really like (song name). I was surprised because I didn't think I would like it, but I did, and here's why.... What do you like about (band name)?"

Whew! That may be more than you asked, but it's a great question that I've thought about a lot and it was fun for me to be able to put the thoughts down.

Your thoughts?
This is what works in our home. Please share with us what works in your home. Readers, where do YOU draw the musical line with your kids?

Stress-Busting Tip: Use the Biology of Touch

2010-09-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

The biology of touch is simply this: hugging, hand holding, encouraging hand on arm or shoulder, or a simple neck or back rub decreases cortisol (the stress hormone), increases oxytocin (the "cuddle" hormone that increases bonding) which both result in lowered blood pressure.

The biology is there within us to manage stress. Let's use it, touch (human and yes, canine as in the picture above, too), frequently to help ourselves and others.

Thus, the important interplay of relationships, emotions and biology. Relationships are the key to so many aspects. It is in relationships that our emotions are challenged the most and thus we get the opportunity because of those challenges to develop emotion regulation and mastery skills. As we improve our ability to manage our emotions in our relationships we decrease the impact of stress on our bodies. Thus, the finding that people in long-term healthy marriages live on average seven years longer than their single or divorced counterparts. Less stress equals less wear and tear on our cells the emotional flood of cortisol and adrenaline isn't as frequent nor as long-lasting. Less wear and tear = longer life. Further the oxytocin and endorphins that healthy relating release further ease stress and buffer our emotions from additional stress = longer life.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Quick Bonding Activity: "All About..."

2010-09-19T09:11:00.001-07:00

Occasionally, in church I like to pass around to each family member a piece of paper titled, "All About (Name): (Name) Is..."
And then let each family member add whatever kind observation about that person.

The benefits are simple and important: The writer is able to reflect on the good qualities of that person and the recipient gets to feel great and appreciated. It's a quick, simple, yet meaningful, way to feel connected and to further solidify the family bond and loyalty to one another. It's also interesting and fun to find out what each other notices about each other.

So today, I did one on myself as dad and one for the kids mom. Here's what we learned about each other from our kids.

"Hey Kids: Your Dad Is..."

From my daughter (14): "something, funny, goofy, dorky, 'smrat', Jonathin/Jonafat, creative."
From my son (16): "interesting, a good drawer, cool, a good sword fighter, good at helping with problems."
From my daughter (11): "strange, funny, smart, creative and helpful."
From my son (9): "smart, funny, weird, awesome."

"All About Mom: Mom Is..."

16: "good food and laundry--he he--just kidding but really too, loving, caring, funny, a good dancer, can make my friends laugh."
14: "she's prettyyyyyy :), silly , a good cook, good at shopping, distracted a lot, goofy, loving"
11: "funny, nice, pretty, loving, dog loving, sweet, good cook."
9: "she calls dad 'Pootie', she's pretty, funny, likes 'bunnies', best food ever!"

I don't know anyone who tires of hearing nice things said about them. You just can't over-appreciate someone, folks.

Give it a try and share how it goes for ya.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Teaching Children Anger Management

2010-09-15T23:54:00.001-07:00

Taught 11-year-old daughter learning to control her anger is as learnable as controlling a car via the speedometer, steering wheel, gas/brakes of emotion regulation. She felt bad before about not being able to control her anger and was crying, poor thing.

I'll post the copies of the worksheets she and I came up with together and sometime I'll describe the process in greater depth. For now, let me just share: She felt empowered! I love being able to help my children navigate the tricky waters of life.

Any Dad's Relate to the Work of the Woman, the Craft of the Father?

2010-09-07T09:47:00.001-07:00

Any dads relate?

Watch this: http://ping.fm/qRsHP

"I stand outside this woman's work."

"Now starts the craft of the father."

Please honor the mother of your children. Work your craft to be a father of honor.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 10: Keep Consequences Simple, Logical & Lecture Free

2010-07-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Keep consequences simple, logical and lecture free. For example, lately on Sunday mornings my kids have been dawdling and ending up being late for church. No big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, it's the type of the thing that parents typically get bothered by when it happens repeatedly. As parents we feel a responsibility to teach and guide our children towards respectful and appropriate behavior, such as punctuality.

So, this morning I informed them, "Hey pals: Whoever's ready on time just goes to church once today and anyone who is late will get to go to a second church meeting with me later today." (Oh horror!).

One sentence (no lecture), simple, logical, and because they know "I say what I mean and mean what I say" that it would be consistenly applied (i.e., they know whining won't work to distract me from applying the consequence, which is another key parenting principle). Too often, good parents waste their breath (and energy) with explanations, pleading, scolding, threatening and guilt trips which all turn into long-winded, overly-involved, frequently escalated and mostly ineffective lectures. Keep it simple, keep it logical, and keep it lecture free.

http://rel8gr8.com

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

2010-07-13T01:55:00.001-07:00

Here's the Summer Driving Jams playlist with vids. Thx all for the suggestions. http://bit.ly/aASa6b

2010-07-13T01:52:00.001-07:00

So here's the Summer Driving Playlist with Vids I came up with for the road-trip. Thanks for the suggestions all! http://ping.fm/rTv0x?note_id=423689538472

Parenting Finesse Tip 9: Tell Less. Explore More

2010-07-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

1
"When you give your children knowledge, you are telling them what you think. That is, you are telling them what they are supposed to know, what you want them to understand is true.

"When you give your children wisdom, you do not tell them what to know, or what is true, but, rather, how to get to their own truth."

—Neale Donald Walsch

There is much that our children need to be taught of right and wrong. That is certainly important. In addition, what is even more important is that they be taught not only how to think, but how to know themselves enough to learn to know their own authentic truth. This they must learn to do on their own. They do need guidance, but guide. Don't take over.

As soon as you get into lecture mode is where you take over their thinking and they become resistant to your teachings. Be careful that while you teach that you don't do their thinking for them. The best strategy for this is to speak less than you ask questions. Then listen long and draw out their thinking and ideas. Explore and support their thinking with them where you can. Respectfully challenge their thinking when it needs to be.

Peace,
J

Many, many, many, many, many, many more ideas at rel8gr8.com

SELF-MASTERY Tip 14: Allow Yourself to Fail

2010-07-08T17:38:00.001-07:00

Get out of your way and don't let others get in your way. Accept your failures and take the risks. Learn from them. Adapt. And give it another go.

Soichiro Honda (yes, the founder of Honda Motor Co.) said,

"Success is 99% failure."

Joss Stone put it this way...

"I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown.
I got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
See I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone."
—Joss Stone, "Right to Be Wrong"

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://rel8gr8.com —

2010-07-07T01:28:00.001-07:00

I just have to say I LOVE my clients. I LOVE helping them create truly GREAT relationships. I LOVE to see them defy the odds! Rock on all!