The Masculine Heart

Kim Morgan - "Fight Club" Ten Years Later

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:12:00 +0000

One of my favorite all time films - and one that my friend Kyle and I spent a couple of hours discussing over beers right after we saw it. Not too many films I've ever seen have inspired that kind of discussion. Hard to believe it's now been ten years.

I thought then, and still think, that the film captured a degree of how lost so many Gen X men were in the 1990's (and may still be lost today). However, rather than posing an evolutionary perspective or a new masculinity, it shows men reverting to a more primitive version of masculinity - when you've been emasculated by your culture, you fight and f*ck and stage a revolution against those by whom you feel betrayed.

The solution is not the answer, but it makes for a thought-provoking film. And, by the way, there is also some meditation on the nature of the self in the "relationship" between Tyler and Jack.

Fight Club Ten Years Later
Kim Morgan

Film and culture writer

Posted: November 19, 2009 06:43 PM
If any picture was the movie to usher in the new millennium, it was David Fincher's Fight Club. To me, it was the movie of the 1990s -- as prescient as Network was in the 1970s towards the future of "news," and as equally misunderstood. As Fight Club revealed and essentially, proselytized, we live in a world where we seek to express ourselves, either through conspicuous consumption, or following philosophies for supposed betterment, or to simply remember what it was like to actually feel like a man after the world has feminized us so (something as a woman I find frustrating and heartbreaking -- let men be men again).

But Fight Club isn't saying something as simple and inane as men are pussies. It's not a dumb jock statement of being a "man." Rather, it shows how through the alienation of social institutions, and the de-masculination of culture, the rugged individualist is rare. How to tap into being a man, fast? "Punch me as hard as you can."

Based on the diabolical novel by Portland's Chuck Palahniuk (skillfully adapted by Jim Uhls), Fight Clubis a multifaceted satire. It attacks not only the dehumanizing, corporate Starbucks/Ikea world we inhabit (and still inhabit -- even more), but also self-help philosophies, men's movements, commercials, TV and, interestingly, movies, but oh-so cleverly. The way cinema is blamed for contributing to real-life violence is not only woven into the picture, but it became a reality lobbed at the movie upon release. Like A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club was considered fascist by some critics, that it would encourage men to fight (not always a bad thing), and that it might actually create fight clubs (which it did -- not always a good thing).

A movie that ends on man and woman watching two high rise office towers tumbling down from the skyline before the World Trade Center's collapse is creepy, scary prophetic. As Tyler Durden proclaims: "Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." And...then through the 2000s? A war. And an economic crisis.

Then, to a certain extent, Fight Club took on Generation X, but it also applied to the onset of the next generation. Challenging so many silly articles, books and movies that have attempted to label "Generation X" as listless, flannel-wearing, grunge-listening slackers, the film argued that it's not a lack of passion that kept those in their late twenties to early thirties befuddled, but a lack of personal power, a lack of freedom -- the impotence of not knowing your real soul.
Revealing the absurdity, hilarity and sadness of the type of man who, for example, would sit at home and listen to self-help Guru Anthony Robbins instructing him on how to "awaken the giant within," then go through the motions, and achieving nothing -- Fight Club asks: Do you want to awaken your giant? Do you really want to look inside yourself? What if your giant turns into a monster?

Fight Club begins with a character who is always awake (in fact, he can never sleep) but is certainly no giant --not yet, anyway. The film's insomniac narrator, "Jack" (Edward Norton), like so many of his generation, is full of cynicism but mild-mannered and desperately searching for something -- anything. When he becomes fed up with sleepwalking through his job at a major automobile manufacturer (where, he says, everything looks like "a copy of a copy of a copy"), Jack finally goes to a doctor and begs for sleeping pills. The doctor tells him to quit his whining -- if he really wants to see suffering, he should go to a support group for testicular-cancer survivors. Good idea? Not really for Jack. He soon becomes addicted to every support group he can locate. They become the outlet he's needed for his confounded emotions; he does receive the attention he craves, and he can finally sleep, but he's really just a support group tourist.

His warm fuzzy, self help universe spell is broken when another tourist enters. That's Marla (Helena Bonham Carter), a chain-smoking accidental-overdose-waiting-to-happen who attends meetings because (as she says) "it's cheaper than a movie, and the coffee is free." Jack sees himself reflected in her perverse presence; he hates her, which means he hates himself. They are both fakes.

And then the epiphany: During a plane trip, he meets eccentric soap maker Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), he returns home to find his condo has blown up and, desperate, he rushes to, of course, Tyler. He lives in the "dilapidated house in a toxic-waste part of town" -- and never leaves.
In Tyler, he finally finds the "power animal" that his original cancer-support group instructed him to get in touch with. Tyler teaches him Nietzschean ideals of freedom and puts him in tune with his manly center -- his hunter. And even more importantly, Jack and Tyler fight: Their fights are sweaty, bloody, I want-to-throw-my-desk-at-my-boss releases of rage, submerged eroticism and enlightenment. And men are intrigued. Watching Tyler and Jack's parking-lot brawls creates a new form of therapy for men, and as we well remember, they organize their beat-downs into the movement and philosophy of "Fight Club." As members grow and chapters sprout up in different cities, the club morphs into something called "Project Mayhem" -- a terrorist revolution that encourages members to spread to the outside world -- vigilante/philosophical style with charismatic Tyler as leader of the revolution. In Tyler they trust. His leadership, their trust and their acts become morbidly funny, increasingly frightening and oddly inspiring.

Fincher's brilliant fusion of style and substance created an exciting, thought-provoking, bloody experience that was worshiped, studied and criticized for its controversial takes on moviemaking, manhood, violence and corporate culture. Again, like Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club articulates the darkness (and humor) of those who don't want to feel numb anymore while, simultaneously, commenting on the powers that made them numb in the first place. And like Kubrick's film, Fight Club was considered dangerous, a film that incites violence or promotes nihilism.
And this seemed to be exactly what Fincher wanted. The more fingers wagged at him, the more his point was proven: It's easier to pin society's ills on entertainment, then look out into the real world or (gasp) within oneself. (Even if our therapist continues to say: "you're doing great....you're doing great.") Fincher's other masterpiece, Zodiac, also touched on this -- defying what was expected of him, Fincher made a movie about obsession and didn't simply satiate our desire to watch yet another serial killer movie.

But, like all of Fincher's movies, the picture also works as supreme entertainment -- especially because master prankster Tyler is "form of"... Brad Pitt. Does the picture take Tyler's side? In many ways, yes. Though the movie pokes fun at the men who join Tyler, it understands their pain, and it understands that their pain has been sold out to self-help groups that do them no good. In the transformation from "Fight Club" to "Project Mayhem," the members merely shift their anger from each other to the outside world -- the soul-deadening culture that has merged New Age spirituality with consumerism, hiding dehumanization behind politically correct calm. As Tyler explains, "Self-improvement is masturbation...self-destruction might be the answer."
And yet, the picture understands that the answer is too simple; it can only lead to further confusion. Because Fight Club is essentially a satire, it knows that though Tyler's eloquent assertions make sense, and are emboldening, they will become borderline fascistic and not entirely reliable. Still, I couldn't help feeling moved by its muscular assertions. When Tyler declares to a terrified fat cat, whose face has been duct-taped courtesy of Project Mayhem: "We are the people who take out your garbage...we watch over you while you sleep...DO NOT FUCK WITH US!" I'm all Kick-out the-Jams-motherfucker, Fight-the-power exhilarated.
What I admire about Fight Club, is that it never denies that violence can be glamorous. Fincher shows that a fight can be a vital part of life, that a violent act can be horrifying, but weirdly fun and sometimes necessary. It can be a soul-altering experience, it can liberate. But it can also, as the picture artfully complicates by not strictly advocating violence, destroy and entrap one with feelings of paranoia and pain.
Fincher reached new levels in filmmaking, not only by his wink-wink take on violence, but also his wink-wink take on exploiting his own arena of expression: cinema, or rather the corporate world of cinema. Like the pranksters he's chronicling, Fincher had bitten the hand that fed him. He knows the commercial Hollywood system. He knows how to take a successful franchise like Alien, or an ideal hunk like Pitt (something he also deconstructed in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and turn it into something subversive, because, as much(or more) than any traditional "indie" director would, he understands the system he mocks. When Tyler yells at his Project Mayhem recruits that they will never be movie stars, the scene works as both a hard truth and as a deconstruction of the movie ideal. Tyler/Pitt is the ideal movie star we all want to be, but should we listen to him?
Yes and no. The film is cynical enough to show that a New World Order like Tyler and Jack's can lose control of itself. Yet the movie doesn't deny that such a "second coming" is attractive and, in ways, beneficial. After all, what is more powerful: movie stars putting knuckles to skin, or fleshy nubs munching scones and itemizing reports? And watching Fight Club, ten years later, with all that we have available to us, it seems even more prescient. For better and often for worse, we've become even more disconnected from ourselves. And even more narcissistic. People text, they twitter, they communicate online instead of talk on the phone or in person. They create alternate identities and pretend to be tough in, of all places, chat rooms, and blogs. Can you imagine a flame war in a biker bar? It's no surprise Fincher's now making a movie about the social networking site Facebook. Tyler Durden would now be a viral creation.
Filled with so many potent comments on society that it demands more than one, two, three viewings, Fight Club is a challenging and powerful work of art that sticks in both the primal and the intellectual parts of one's brain and, for many of us, will never be dislodged -- not even by a sucker punch.
Read more Kim Morgan at her site, Sunset Gun.

Responses to "A New Vocabulary for Men"

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:40:00 +0000

I posted the original article a week or so ago. Since then Douglas Todd has received quite a few comments on his article.

His argument was that men have been hit hard by this particular recession and that we need to be able to feel the pain and anger - and sadness - that come with job loss and economic struggles - in fact we might even want to support each other through men's groups.

Not every seems to agree.

A New Vocabulary for Men – the genders respond

By Douglas Todd 23 Nov 2009

The savage intensity and tender vulnerability men and women feel about gender issues came out in response to last week’s article, "A New Vocabulary for Men," about new efforts to support men during this emotionally battering economic downturn, which some are calling a “mancession” since so far it’s been hitting North American males harder than females.

Most of the comments had an openness and honesty missing from much of this blog's more customary commentary on religious, spiritual or ethical issues, as reader Billy Pilgrim accurately noted. It was also interesting to hear from Freemason Jack Barr (33rd degree) about how his organization has in its own way been trying to support "good" men for centuries.
I’ll just respond to a few of the offerings the blog has received from men and women. The issues surrounding gender could become a lifelong study. It is endlessly fascinating and provocative, for good reason. Much is to be learned from understanding what Carl Jung would call the ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ parts of our society and ourselves. I’ll begin with the most bitter responses. The readers' comments are in boldface, with my responses in italics.

SEADAWG59 said:
{I’ve cleaned up the spelling. DT}
“We all have ambitions and many of us will not succeed in gaining them. The article is a lot of crock, if you don’t like your job quit look for another job that you do like. There is an old military adage, tough t**** said the kitty but the milk is still good.”

Douglas responds: I could be wrong about the gender, but Seadawg seems to be an old-fashioned male. He believes life is all about sucking it up and being tough and not showing one’s emotions, certainly not grief, fear or sadness. Only anger and repression is allowed in “seadawg59’s” real-male world. There is something to be said for being strong in the face of adversity, but I find “seadawg59s” emotional authoritarianism to be chilling. DT

Here’s something from "Damned Straight," showing how, for some women, rage at men remains dominant. Although clearly intelligent, Damned Straight's comments offer a very disturbing insight into how far (some) women and men need to go to come to any hint of mutual understanding and appreciation.

DAMNED STRAIGHT says:
"Quote from article: 'Many have been calling it a "mancession." The word has been coined because this recession is hitting North American and European male workers far harder than female employees.'
Who are you kidding?

Women still inhabit most of the lowest paid jobs in Canada, not to mention it's mostly women who are in temporary, part time or casual jobs in Canada. Most women also hit the glass ceiling, never hoping to make anything near $300,000 a year, no matter how qualified they are. Women are always at the lowest rungs in employment, during good times and bad. Even in bad times men still get higher paying jobs than women, because other men are still willing to hire them, over women.
Most people of power in Canada are men. Top politicians, top union leaders, top CEO's, and it goes on and on. Everywhere you go the men are in charge.

Douglas Interjects: Damned Straight has not provided any statistical data for her “facts,” other than we know most “top” figures in politics and big business are males. What about all those males who are also low-paid, many doing unpleasant or dangerous work? There is a cold, furious lack of empathy from Damned Straight for average men and their issues. For her it’s about blaming – all men. DT

Go read more of the comments he received about his article.

What's the Alternative to Tucker Max? - Rejecting Toxic Masculinity

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:30:00 +0000

I was alerted to this article in Prospect by men's coach Jayson Gaddis, who blogs at Revolutionary Man. It's heartening to see the younger generation rejecting the limited and limiting notions of masculinity that so many of us grew up with. Those of us who are doing the work to help redefine what masculinity can be need to step up as leaders to act as mentors to these younger men.

If you would like to learn how to lead a men's group, Jayson his buddy Tripp can help you out.

What's the Alternative to Tucker Max?

Many progressive young men are rejecting traditional and toxic notions of masculinity. But they're still figuring out what should replace it.

Courtney E. Martin | November 9, 2009

(Flickr/Lisa Norwood)

Vote for Courtney Martin in The Washington Post's Next Great Pundit contest.

"Machismo!" shouted a young college student in the third row.

"Tough!" "Violent!" "Homophobic!" shouted three other young men, sprinkled throughout the packed lecture hall. Ethan Wong, a student at St. John's University in Collegeville, Minnesota, who was dressed in a slim business suit, nodded as he wrote each word on the chalk board.

The roomful of young men was brainstorming all the qualities associated with masculinity. Wong was one of the organizers of the National Conference for Campus-Based Men's Gender Equality and Anti-Violence Groups, a long and clunky name for an unprecedented event that took place last weekend at his school. It was the first time that young guys from around the country -- guys like Wong, who recognize that the kind of masculinity they are describing is toxic for men, too -- gathered to share strategies for getting college men involved in gender-based activism and discuss the work ahead.

In attendance were about 200 individuals, representing 40 colleges and two dozen organizations, many of them sporting titles like Center Against Sexual and Domestic Abuse, Men Can Stop Rape, and Men Stopping Violence. Notice a trend here? This contemporary movement of gender-conscious young men is largely identifying themselves in terms of what they are against. They're not rapists. They're not misogynists.

They're also not particularly effective in imagining what they do want to be. Case in point: back to Wong at the chalkboard. The negative associations with masculinity poured off the tongues of these feminist-friendly college kids. They've taken Women's Studies 101. When their buddy says, "That's so gay," they spit back, "That's a sexual identity, not a dis." They let a few tears fall during the Take Back the Night March. They devour Michael Kimmel's Guyland and proselytize about Byron Hurt's documentary, Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes. This generation is saying no to toxic masculinity.

But what are these young men saying yes too? We've all failed to envision an alternative.

This became painfully clear over the course of the weekend as speakers and students grappled to find what one presenter referred to as a "feminist masculinity." Is there such a thing? Does it look like President Barack Obama -- or does his insistence on talking about sports and drinking beers reveal that he's just one of the guys? Does it look like KRS-1, the veteran rapper who recently said that hip-hop needs more women -- or is his statement too little, too late? Stephen Colbert, in some ways, is the closest thing we've got. He consistently lampoons misogynist punditry and policy, yet his "feminist masculinity" is only visible vis-à-vis its blowhard foil.

We've certainly got plenty of pictures of men who are stubbornly clinging to the old paradigm of maleness, and sadly, they're not acting -- think Tucker Max and Bill O'Reilly. The men's rights movement is making reclaiming traditional manhood a compelling project for young, lost men. These activists know how to paint a vivid, if delusional, picture of the kind of man who will overcome victimization at the hands of all of us hateful feminists: He's righteous, he's fighting back, and most important, there's nothing feminine about him. He is the opposite of female in every way.

While it's thrilling that there is also a movement of young men all who want to tear down the patriarchy right alongside women, it's dangerous that they don't have a clear picture of what they want to build in its place. At the conference, one young man spoke up against the notion of a new "feminist masculinity," explaining that he feared it would be one more box that young men felt they had to fit into. There's a lot of validity to his argument, but I fear that the old adage is true: We can't be what we can't see. Models help us try on various identities and find one that is truly authentic. The more publicly feminist-aligned men we have, the more opportunities the next generation has to find a positive, masculine gender identity that actually fits.

Many young men, it seems, are stuck in stage one of gender consciousness. They want to prove that they are one of the "good ones" and separate themselves from all the gendered behaviors and beliefs that they now see as oppressive. That, or they wallow in guilt. (This is not unlike the stage many white kids get stuck in upon fully realizing their role in perpetuating racism.) At worst, this point of view is paralyzing. At best, it leads to burnout. It's not until privileged folks, men in this case, can own the ways in which they have a self-interest in resisting systems of oppression that their work becomes sustainable.

This is about so much more than the 200 men who attended this conference. They are on the front lines, but there are legions of progressive men of all ages, all over the country who are struggling to redefine masculinity and live that redefinition every day. They fumble without models but continue on because they know that there is so much to be gained. Guys who reject traditional masculinity, for starters, have a greater chance of finding fulfilling work that isn't just a symbol of their provider status. They might explore the joy of relationships -- being nurturing with their kids, real with their friends, open with their partners. They have the opportunity to shed their socialized skin and all the anxiety that comes with trying to be a "tough guy" and make a happy life defined, not by their paycheck or their size, but by their humanity.

Fighting against the world that we don't want is a critical first step, but fighting for the world that we do want is where liberation truly begins.

Taking Care of Your Shoulders

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:12:00 +0000

I am a huge advocate of weight training for health and strength, not to mention the mental health benefits of regular exercise and the self-esteem benefits of seeing our bodies become stronger and leaner.

But as anyone who has been lifting weights for any length of time can tell you, eventually nearly everyone will develop shoulder pain at some point. I have had my share, despite doing everything I know to prevent injuries.

With this in mind, maybe I can offer you all some information that may help you prevent your own injuries. Most importantly, here is some info from Eric Cressey, an expert in prevention and rehab.

Recap: Testing, Treating, and Training the Shoulder

As many of you know, Mike Reinold and I put on a seminar that was “everything shoulder” this past Sunday at Cressey Performance. The event sold out within 36 hours back when we first announced it in early October, and we had strength and conditioning and rehabilitation specialists come from the likes of Canada, Texas, and the Midwest on only a month’s notice. Our goal was to keep the seminar more intimate to allow for more speaker-attendee interaction, Q&A, and easy viewing - as we also recorded the event on DVD.

While production won’t be complete until December at the earliest, I thought I’d give my loyal readers a little taste of some of what was discussed on Sunday. Our primary goals were to introduce some current concepts in evaluation of both symptomatic and asymptomatic populations as well as ways to treat/train them during and after injury. Above all else, we wanted to show how rehabilitation specialists and strength and conditioning specialists could work hand-in-hand to improve outcomes - but that this successful interaction hinged on whether all parties involved were willing to commit to learning about how the shoulder functions.

You can call this my “Random Thoughts” for the week:

1.The side-lying external rotation (SLER) has the highest EMG of any rotator cuff exercise, and the adducted position is the safest position for most “testy” shoulders. So, if you have to pick one cuff exercise to get you a safety and a great return on investment, roll with the SLER:

2. Simply providing a small amount of “propping” to put the humerus in a slightly more abducted position actually increases EMG of the posterior rotator cuff muscles by 23%.

3. Shoulder evaluations rarely work completely independently of one another. For example, poor thoracic spine mobility directly impacts function of the scapula and, in turn, range of motion at the glenohumeral joint. So, rather than hanging your hat on 1-2 assessments, you need a barrage of assessments that cover glenohumeral range-of-motion, scapular stability/positioning, thoracic spine mobility, breathing patterns, and forward head posture. Then, once you’ve got all your information, you can look at each test as one piece in an individualized puzzle.

4. There are a ton of superior labrum anterior-posterior (SLAP) tests out there. It’s because none of them are particularly great - but the better ones out there simulate the injury mechanism (e.g. pronated load and resisted supnation external rotation tests for overhead throwing athletes).

Read the whole article.

This article comes from the Staley Training Systems site, offering the best body weight exercise from shoulder strength.

Handstand Push-Ups - The BEST Shoulder Exercise You Can Do
By Nick Nilsson
Author: Fitness-eBooks
Creator: Powerful Training Secrets

The Handstand Push-Up is, in my opinion, THE single most effective shoulder exercise you can do. The mechanics are exactly like a regular shoulder press but, since you're moving your bodyweight through space, you active the shoulder muscle fibers far more.

For myself, shoulders have always been my weakest link. I can't do much on the barbell press without having shoulder pain. Dumbells are better but I lose strength in that lift quickly if I don't keep up with it.

Then I tried Handstand Push-Ups. The first few times I did them, I had a spotter, grab my legs and hold me up. If you're not experienced with kicking up into a handstand, you may want to try that.

This is a TOUGH exercise, just fyi. You'll have to have strong shoulders at the outset to be able to even perform one rep. But the payoff is HUGE. It'll not only build ridiculous shoulder strength, it'll develop balance and athleticism at the same time.

So here's the handstand push-up and how to do it...

Do a handstand beside a wall so that your feet are in contact with it (see the Kick Up section below). Your hands will be a little wider than shoulder width. Lower yourself until your head touches the ground then push up.

The Kick Up:

Place your hands about 3 inches away from the wall. Your starting position will be similar to a sprinter's at the start of the race. The leg you will push up with is the one that is furthest back.

Bounce down a little then explode your legs up. I like to do it with split legs, catching the wall with the bottom of one foot to slow things down without smacking my heels. Once you're up, straighten your legs - that's the top position!

The kick up requires practice to be able to do efficiently and without smacking your heels against the wall. Wear shoes when practicing! Practice it a few times to get the hang of it. You want to do it on a mat or other padded surface the first few times.

Ensure you keep your elbows locked out or very close to it, and your elbows are stiff. This will prevent you from crashing down on your head, especially the more sets you do (even more so with negative reps). Practice with both feet to see which feels more comfortable. If you get more comfortable with one, it is still not a bad idea to practice with the other one as well.

Now, once you're in the top position, it's a simple (yeah, simple!) matter of doing the push-up.

Lower your head to the floor then push yourself directly back up.

Move your mouse on an off this picture below to see it in action.

Once you've done as many reps as you can, it's time to come back down.

The way down is just the opposite from the kick-up. My preference is again, split up the legs so that you're basically dropping one leg down, then the other. This helps me keep balance and cushion the landing. Once the first foot is down, the other is already on the way. The video shows this quite well.

Tricks:

1. To focus on the delts more, turn your hands inward somewhat so that your fingers are pointing at each other a little (not too much).

2. A spotter can be used to hold your body upright and to help pull you up if you need it. If you want to add resistance, get a spotter to push down on your legs.

3. A great way to improve your pushing power is to do them with a bottom-stop. At the bottom of each rep, let your body weight rest mostly on your head, releasing much of the tension off your shoulders. This will eliminate any elastic force you may have in your muscles. This has the added effect of building up your neck muscles. At that point, develop tension in the delts then push up explosively.

4. Splay your fingers out as wide as possible. This will help with controlling your motion. It will also improve hand strength. Don't have your fingers flat on the floor, however. Keep them bent so that you can exert force. It will make your hands resemble a claw.

Read the rest of the article.

LA Times - Turns out, all Andre Agassi needed was . . . love

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:50:00 +0000

Interesting article. I haven't read Agassi's book, but he was my favorite tennis player after McEnroe retired. I had no idea how much he had struggled before he married Steffi Graf, but it seems it was bad (meth binge bad).

Yet his story confirms what many of us already know - a solid, loving, supportive relationship can give us the space to heal old wounds and get ourselves healthy. Seems that is what happened for Agassi.

Turns out, all Andre Agassi needed was . . . love

His harrowing autobiography notwithstanding, the tennis great appears to have achieved inner peace. Steffi Graf and their kids are a big part of that.
By Diane Pucin
November 18, 2009

Andre Agassi is asked whether he is happy right now.

As he sits in an empty room at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, doing his part to promote his new autobiography "Open," looking forward to Thanksgiving in Las Vegas with the love of his life, Steffi Graf, with an outgoing 8-year-old son, Jaden, who is an aspiring baseball player and with an introspective 6-year-old daughter, Jaz, Agassi doesn't exactly answer the question.

"I find peace every day," he said Tuesday. "I try to enjoy the day, get the most out of each intersection."

Agassi's painfully honest book details what he calls his "love-hate" relationship with tennis, the sport that brought him fame and adulation but also was born of a tumultuous relationship with his hard-driving father, Mike.

In the book Agassi revealed that he had used the drug crystal meth in 1997 and failed an ATP tour drug test. Agassi's explanation -- he said he had accidentally ingested the drug by sipping on a soft drink given him by an assistant -- earned him a free pass 12 years ago.

"That wouldn't happen today," Agassi said. "With everything being looked at by WADA [World Anti-Doping Agency], I would have probably had to serve a suspension."

Agassi chronicled his emotional free fall at that time, one that occurred while he was married to actress Brooke Shields, and that ended with him ranked No. 141 and playing challenger tournaments.

The book is a love story. In the part where Agassi courts Graf, woos her with red roses and letters and constant voice mail messages, there is the sense of a grown-up man who found, all by himself, something to love.

This book is also a painful telling of the relentless need from an old-school father to make his son into a champion.

Agassi chronicles unending sessions of hitting tennis balls in the Las Vegas sun, of how his father built a contraption the young Agassi called "the dragon" that spit tennis balls at the child.

He writes of being sent to a tennis academy in Florida and of how he hated the sport, hated being good at it but also loving the sense of victory because it gave him respite from his father's demands.

Agassi said his father didn't want him to write the book, then read the book and told his son if he had it to do all over again, "He'd do things the same way," Agassi said. "Only maybe he'd have me play baseball or soccer instead. But we have a healthy communication. Me and the kids see him every weekend. We've reconciled to the degree we can be."

Agassi said Graf supported the retelling of everything, of the drug use, of his unhappy marriage to Shields and of his courting Graf. And, no, he said, the famously private Graf has not been inspired to tell her own story. "Never going to happen," Agassi said.

His biggest regret about the crystal meth use, Agassi said, was that he didn't tell the truth and ask for help at the time. "I wish I had been more open," he said. "I was depressed, was pursuing a career I didn't choose, I was 27 and in a marriage I didn't want to be in."

He also suggested that when a player fails a doping test for a recreational drug as opposed to a performance-enhancing substance, penalties should be different.

"One is cheating the sport, the other players and the fans," Agassi said. "The other is hurting only one person. Maybe we should be reaching out to help as well as punish."

diane.pucin@latimes.com

Today Is International Men’s Day

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:32:00 +0000

This is my first year of celebrating (is that the right word?) International Men’s Day. It's an interesting notion to me, for a variety of reasons. Here is an article from Men's News Daily.

Celebrating International Men’s Day- 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009
By Paul Elam

Today we mark another International Men’s Day, a celebration of men that began in 1999 in Trinidad and Tobago and has since spanned the globe. This is not just a celebration, it is a day to take pause for a moment and consider where we have come from as men, and where we have yet to go.

And for the first time since I heard the words “Men’s Rights,” there is a good deal to consider and for which to celebrate.

In roughly the past year we have seen two major court decisions in the states of California and West Virginia that made the first cuts into the corruption and destructiveness of a domestic violence industry run amok. We have witnessed the almost incomprehensible event of a fathers rights march in Mexico City. The men in the country of India have risen up and made their presence known with clarity and power. Dads on the Air, a pro male radio program has become the most successful community radio program in Australia. And we have seen a prolific rise in internet activity and activism related to men’s issues, including mensnewsdaily.com® celebrating eight years of carrying the message to the world at large.

In short, there are now some signs of momentum in this sometimes stuttering movement. And I have to say it looks right good on us.

Clearly we have a long way to go. There is still too many people who get confused when hearing the word “misandry,“ and men are still discriminated against harshly in nearly every aspect of their lives. But every journey starts with the first step, and this looks to be the time in our lives that we can actually begin walking with a purpose.

So let’s take some time today to honor and appreciate men; just a moment to set aside the troubles in this world and admire the miracles of every day life brought to us by our fathers, sons and brothers.

Those miracles can be seen in the roofs over our heads, the cars we drive, the planes that take us across the world in hours, the medicines that heal us, the computers and cell phones we can’t seem to live without and too many other things to mention without writing a book.

And let’s be sure to thank the men who walk into burning buildings to save our lives and the lives of our children, and the men who patrol our cities in the dead of night and those that stand against a wall for us 10,000 miles away. Yes, women do some of these things, but it remains overwhelmingly our men who brave smoke, flame and bullets to keep us safe and secure. They have earned their recognition without the patronizing and perfunctory inclusion of others.

Let us also not forget this day the men who suffer; who languish in prisons over false charges; who have been stripped of children and property and civil rights by corrupt forces in our midst and who endure the ongoing hatred against them for nothing more than being a man.

Let us honor the men who have given us everything and who now find themselves being taken forcibly for more.

And above all else, let us work together toward the goal of justice for everyone, knowing that justice for anyone is not possible till it is a given in every mans life.

Paul Elam is the Editor-in-Chief for Men’s News Daily and the publisher of A Voice for Men.

There's also this funny little video about the event:

So, men, what issues are on your mind today? How do you feel about where masculinity is heading in this culture and/or worldwide? Are we evolving to newer and better ways of being men, or are still trapped in stereotypes that limit us as human beings? Please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Tim Henriques - Five Deadly Strength Errors

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:55:00 +0000

Good article from T-Muscle.

Five Deadly Strength Errors

by Tim Henriques
Strength doesn't just happen. Like anything worth having, it takes concentrated effort, patience, dedication, and balls of steel. (We've been told that wearing cut-off Iron Maiden t-shirts and threatening your eardrums with death metal also helps.)

Getting strong involves a lot of trial and error though it's true many of us spend much more time in the error stage, wondering if progress will ever come. We change up our exercises, our reps, our methods, our pre-workout rituals—"What if I clap my hands three times instead of four before I try to hit 315?" But nothing seems to work.

In this article Tim Heinriques points out five errors — deadly errors, apparently — that will serve as your proverbial shovel to dig yourself out of your strength rut.

But while Heinriques can hand you the shovel, it's up to you to put that sucker in the dirt and start digging.

It's time to get dirty.

— NG

Mistake #1: Listening to weak people.

No, we're not judging character. But most of the guys who are teaching other guys how to get strong are weak as kittens, and that just ain't right. Sure, they may know what proper form is, how to manipulate a diet, or how to be fit, but it's not the same as knowing how to create a proper program with the purpose of developing maximal strength.

There's simply too much that must be learned if you want to get someone strong, and I don't think you can learn it all without doing a lot of trial and error on yourself. If a coach won't share at least some of their personal records with you, it should be a warning sign. Now, I'm not saying every coach must be Ed Coan but they should at least be good at the stuff they're trying to coach you on.

One of my favorite quotes sums up my feelings nicely:

"Don't spend much time listening to someone talk about something they have never done."

Mistake #2: Program hopping.

The good news is if you fix the first mistake, it'll usually take care of the second. Find a coach who knows what they're talking about, who walks the walk, and whose general philosophy sits right with you (Poliquin, Thibaudeau, Cressey, Gallagher, Hatfield, and Bostrom are just a few that come to mind) and follow their programs if you're not making progress on your own.

But here's the thing: you can't change too much right away. Follow their programs as written, at least for a while (several months if not more) before you start to tinker with them to meet your individual needs. Too many people change too many variables too often.

Program hopping often leads to a kind of "starting over" where you perform the first couple of weeks of a program (which is usually an introduction or foundation-building period) and then switch over to something else before the real progress occurs. Changing programs also makes progressive overload more difficult to implement and measure.

Progressive overload, when combined with the principle of specificity, is the single most important element in a program designed to increase muscular strength. The goal is not to do 50 different exercises over the course of a month, but to pick five to ten key exercises and work on them repeatedly to improve strength.

Mistake #3: You don't know why you're doing what you're doing.

Yeah, this sounds stupid, but a lot of people don't really know why something is in their program; they just put it in because it looks good or they think they're supposed to do it.

Here's an example: one legged squats (pistols as they are sometimes called) don't do jack to increase maximal strength or muscle size; if you grow from doing them then you'd probably grow from doing almost any hard leg work. Why do we know this is true?

Because there are lots of people that weigh 135 pounds soaking wet that can do five good pistols, but if you were to ask them to get under the bar with 275 pounds on their back they'd get buried. And to the best of my knowledge, most of the really good squatters (Anderson, Karworski, Coan, Hamman, Hatfield) never attributed their squatting prowess to a lot of work on one-legged squats. So does this mean that one-legged squats are a waste of time? Not exactly. But they're not for building strength.

What usually happens is a coach thinks that one-legged squats will be good for their athlete to do. So they exaggerate the effect of the exercise and tell them that one-legged squats will make the athlete huge and jacked and help them get laid.

So the athlete spends some time doing them, gets a little better at them, but their actual squat doesn't go up and their legs don't change in size. (Plus they don't do any better with the ladies.) The end result is they think the coach is an idiot and they stop doing the one-legged squats.

I think it would be much better if coaches were just honest about what an exercise does. A one-legged squat can be good for your ankles, knees, and hips and can help keep you healthy and mobile. But that's it.

I also believe that if you know why you're doing something you can focus on the purpose of what it's supposed to achieve. If you think one-legged squats are for getting huge, you'll naturally push yourself and try to use more weight, perhaps at the expense of form. If you think their purpose is to keep you healthy and injury free, then you'll start to focus on technique, hip angle, and knee drift, which, most likely, will be more effective.

I recently started doing more one-armed push-ups. I'm not doing them because I think they'll make my chest huge or because I'll instantly add fifty pounds to my bench. I'm doing them to increase my shoulder stability, which might keep me healthy and may yield a better bench press.

Knowing the purpose of an exercise can help you decide if you should do it, how to program it, and if it's giving you the results you want. That can only help you in the long run.

Mistake #4: You don't understand your body.

You can't have a heart to heart talk with your body, but the saying "know thyself" fits best here. As a lifter in the pursuit of strength, at some point you have to start figuring out how your body responds to exercise so you can modify or create programs to meet your goals.

If you're still relatively new to the strength training world (less than five years) I wouldn't fret about this too much; the knowledge will come as long as you're paying attention to what you're doing.

To facilitate the learning, I want you to make a list of ten exercises that you believe, deep in your heart, make you strong. Not what you think other people will say, or what the experts say, but ten exercises that you honestly believe will get you strong. Now look at your program. All of those ten exercises should be what that program is built around.

Mistake #5: You don't do enough negatives.

Strength athletes are usually focused on the positive (concentric) portion of the exercise, which makes sense. They also like to explode on the concentric, pushing it as hard as they can.

But since exploding the weight up is tiring, the athlete often "takes a break" on the negative (eccentric) portion of the lift and lets the bar drop into position. A lot of athletes also like to take advantage of the stretch reflex that a drop in the last several inches of the range of motion will provide.

I believe that as your concentric strength begins to get closer to your eccentric strength, or if you start to feel at some point in the negative portion of the exercise you couldn't stop the weight if you wanted to, then doing some more negatives would be a great idea.

But you can't just load up a bar with a shit-ton of weight and start lowering it; I like to do my negatives a little differently than most.

Most of the time people go super-heavy—well over their 1RM—and they do only one negative rep that's four to six seconds long. I never found that method to be particularly effective for me.

Instead, I do negatives more along the lines of what Arthur Jones suggests.

I pick a weight I can lower for at least ten seconds, have a partner help me lift it back up, and do as many reps as I can with that weight, lowering as slowly as possible with every rep. I stop the set when I can no longer control the weight for at least three seconds.

While I don't want you to get hung up on the percentages, I usually use between 75-85 percent of my 1RM on this technique and usually get between four to eight reps.

Just remember that it's a "negative only" set; you must have a partner help you with the lifting portion of the rep. I would also not advise doing these on squats, deadlifts, or cleans, but they seem to work well for bench, pull-ups, most machine work, curls, and sit-ups.

Adding in one or two negative sets as described at the end of the main exercise for the day seems to work well and can rapidly improve your strength.

Wrap-Up

If you can avoid making these common mistakes and combine that with intense training, progressive overload, and good exercise selection, you may just find yourself stronger than you ever thought possible.

About Tim Henriques
Tim Henriques is the Director of the National Personal Training Institute of VA. NPTI is a 500-hour, 6-12 month long school for personal trainers. He has been devoted to fitness for the past 15 years, in college he was a collegiate All-American Powerlifter, he has competed in several local strongman and armwrestling events, and he currently holds the USAPL VA state record for the deadlift of 700 lbs at 198. He attended James Madison University where he got his degree in Kinesiology with minors in psychology and coaching. He is lifetime drug free. He can be reached via email: NPTITim@aol.com

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:50:00 +0000

Men, what the eff is up with this? Are we that lame? This seems like further evidence of the emotional immaturity most men suffer from in this culture. We need to fix this, man by man, group by group.

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

ScienceDaily (Nov. 10, 2009) — A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.
The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.

"Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA). Chamberlain is also a professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the University of Washington School of Medicine.

The study, "Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness," was published in the Nov. 15 issue of the journal Cancer. The other corresponding author is Michael Glanz, M.D., of the Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah School of Medicine.

Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women's better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.

Researchers at three medical centers -- the SCCA, Huntsman and Stanford University School of Medicine -- enrolled a total of 515 patients in 2001 and 2002 and followed them until February 2006. The men and women were in three diagnostic groups: those with a malignant primary brain tumor (214 patients), those with a solid tumor with no central nervous system involvement (193 patients) and those with multiple sclerosis (108 patients). Almost half of the patients were women.

Chamberlain said the study was initiated because doctors noticed that in their neuro-oncology practices, divorce occurred almost exclusively when the wife was the patient. The researchers enrolled groups of patients with other cancers and with multiple sclerosis to separate the impact of oncologic versus neurological disease. The results showed a stronger gender disparity for divorce when the wife was the patient in the general oncology and multiple sclerosis groups (93 percent and 96 percent respectively, compared to 78 percent for the primary brain tumor group).

The study also found correlations between age and length of marriage and the likelihood of divorce or separation. The older the woman was the more likely her partnership would end. However, longer marriages remained more stable.

Researchers also measured some health and quality of life outcomes among the patients who separated or divorced. They found that patients used more antidepressants, participated less in clinical trials, had more frequent hospitalizations, were less likely to complete radiation therapy and more likely not to die at home, according to the study.

"We believe that our findings apply generally to patients with life-altering medical illness," the authors wrote. "We recommend that medical providers be especially sensitive to early suggestions of marital discord in couples affected by the occurrence of a serious medical illness, especially when the woman is the affected spouse and it occurs early in the marriage. Early identification and psychosocial intervention might reduce the frequency of divorce and separation, and in turn improve quality of life and quality of care."
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center (2009, November 10). Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient. ScienceDaily. Retrieved November 17, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Douglas Todd - A New Vocabulary for Men

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:03:00 +0000

Here is a key passage from a very good article on the benefits of men learning to be with other men, especially when the culture is down-sizing traditionally male jobs at a record rate.

[M]ost men -- just as they are quick to physically lend a hand to men on a sports teams or to build a garage – also give a damn about the inner pressures on their fellow male travelers. “Men want to help other men,” says Westwood. In an environment that guarantees confidentiality and safety, he says they can easily learn how to be there at an emotional level for other men. “Men don’t want to be coddled by other men. They just want to be seen for who they are.

Men's groups are a good way to be there for each other - learn more here on how to start and lead your own group.

And now the full article, via The Vancouver Sun.

A new vocabulary for men

By Douglas Todd 14 Nov 2009

Stu Hoover has seen first-hand the pressure, despair and repressed anger many men experience earning a living.

Hoover was having an after-work beer in a Calgary bar when two friends in the energy industry became embroiled in an intense “heart-to-heart” discussion about their difficult workplace.

Suddenly the conversation “literally exploded” and one of the friends punched the other in the face. The man who began the fight has never returned to his high-paying job -- presumably out of shame. The beer-fueled fight has also wound up in court.

“It was shocking. It was traumatizing,” says Hoover, 38, a trained economist who now lives in Vancouver. Hoover says many men move to oil-rich Alberta with one intention: to make as much money as they can for themselves and family.

To add to Calgary’s grim energy-industry reality, where many routinely bring home between $300,000 and $1 million a year, A few months after the barfight Hoover was downsized out of his own job.

The bar battle was all the motivation Hoover needed to make the huge personal decision to say goodbye to other possibilities in the oil and gas sector and enroll last year in a UBC counseling psychology masters program.

Now Hoover is focusing on career-related men’s issues; or, as he says -- “the place where economics meets psychology.”

Hoover believes his former friend “snapped” because, like many men, he was taking advantage of the numbing effects of alcohol to unload about his stress at work. But his deep-down pain was not being heard by his inebriated workmate.

Hoover knows things could have been different for his former colleagues. In the right context, he has come to learn in the past year or so that men can be there for other men, with, or especially without, alcohol.

After exploring profound personal changes in recent years, Hoover is joining other B.C. men in developing what might be considered a new kind of men’s movement, which is a little different from the one associated with poet Robert Bly in the 1980s and ‘90s.

The time is more than right for men to learn how to back up each other, Hoover believes. The ceaseless pressure that men are feeling to keep themselves, spouses and children living in the “style to which they’re accustomed” has become more intense during this economic crisis.

Many have been calling it a “mancession.”

The word has been coined because this recession is hitting North American and European male workers far harder than female employees.

Jobs in the male-majority industries of construction and manufacturing have been flying out the door to low-wage countries, while female-dominated spheres such as health care, education and the public service have not been pummeled to the same degree.

As Hoover and anyone who understands males will say, there is no quicker way for most men to lose their identity -- their sense of self-worth, their essential masculinity – than to dumped out of a money-earning job. They feel like failures.

With Statistics Canada reporting this year that men are losing their livelihoods at four times the pace of women, some health-care agencies are reporting that devastated men, their all-important “provider” image in shreds, are looking for someone to talk to.

Traditionally, men have had a great deal of trouble seeking help after losing a job or enduring other crises. In times of emotional chaos, the standing North American statistic is that, while one in three women seek some sort of counseling, only one in seven men do.

How can battered men find hope?

* * *

In the midst of the “mancession,” some are making headway in responding to fellow males who are struggling with all kinds of downturns in their lives.

Innovative psychotherapists at the University of B.C. and throughout Metro Vancouver have been taking the lead in providing a safe place for men to air their sorrow and dreams -- in the company of other men.

Hoover has worked in various ways with UBC educational psychology professor Marvin Westwood (right) and Dr. David Kuhl, who also works for Providence Health Care.

They are coming up with a new vocabulary, sometimes literally, to help men better understand and support each other.

Over the years Westwood and Kuhl have led more than 50 workshops for men everywhere from Bowen Island to the Rocky Mountains. Participants have ranged from grandfathers to young male adults.

Westwood and Kuhl recognize it can be a tough time to be a man these days, especially in a harsh economy.

While jobs for traditional male “breadwinners” are increasingly under threat – and women now make up half the workforce in North America – the gender balance in higher education has shifted, leaving many men off balance.

Men are wondering, Kuhl says, how they fit in as “minorities” in academia, where roughly 60 per cent of those enrolled in most Canadian undergraduate, graduate and professional schools are now female.

Larry Green (below left), a Vancouver therapist who has specialized in working with older and especially younger men, says some women have long had to endure being treated as “sex objects.”

But men, more subtly, have unconsciously been treated by the culture as “success objects,” valued mainly for their ability to be productive -- providers who put food on the table.

With this recession highlighting how the economy may be slowly shifting against men, their upheaval is exacerbated.

To add to the crisis, North American culture continues to fail to offer up many models for what it means to be a healthy male.

The mass media and entertainment industries are full of destructive and contradictory images – ranging from men as helpless buffoons to men as unfeeling action figures.

There are few models of manhood embodying strength and integrity.

Read the whole article. There's lots more good stuff.

Felicia Townsend - Men Also Hurt: Dealing With Gender Stereotypes Against Men

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:44:00 +0000

Good article - there is a serious issue in this culture with men not being able to express hurt, and the people around them expecting them not to feel hurt and pain. We need to change that.

Men Also Hurt: Dealing With Gender Stereotypes Against Men

A recent discussion about why a man would cheat on a wife who is beautiful, rich and famous in her own right brought out a lot of stereotypes among the women participants, to the extent that men complained about being stereotyped.

“Men are sexual predators by nature and many will step over the line whether they are with men or women, whether their partners are willing or not, pretty or not, sexy or not,” one commenter said.

“Not all men are fuckwits, neither are all woman… but some really try and change your mind!” said another female commentor.

Another discussion looked at why we stereotype men as the bad guys in multiple concurrent partnerships. “How do men come to be so demonised, and we seem to allow it huh?,” asked a male commentor.”

“It takes two to tango. So why do the men get singled out! If anything the women bear as much responsibility as the men,” another female commentor said.

To help us think through some of the stereotypes women may have against men, here is an article by Felicia Townsend. We sourced the article from Ezine Articles.

Men Also Hurt

By Felicia Townsend

I’m as guilty as the next woman of complaining about why men act as they do and do the things that they do.

I’m often quick to blame them for hurting women and children, for being the takers of life in a certain twisted way because they can’t give birth to life.

Usually I will draw on the facts and the statistics of crime through domestic abuse, rape, incest, assault, and murder to highlight the obvious facts that men all around the world have some real psychological wounds that are not being addressed.

What I fail to mention during my own times of anger and self righteousness is that these same men are products of their environment and many of them have seen and experienced abuse that I can’t even imagine.

Let’s do away with stereotypes

Believing that all men are bad is like saying that all gays are sick, or that all Black people are ignorant, and all women are weak. These are general stereotypes that unfairly put people into categories that rob them of their individuality.

There are people in every part of the world, in all types of families and backgrounds who have been damaged emotionally, psychologically, physically, and or spiritually. And men just like women make up a huge percentage of that abuse.

However, we live in a society that gives men this god-like status where they are told that they need to be protector, provider, authoritarian, enforcer, and ruler of all that is within their domain.

And to make matters worse, we expect and demand them to be completely intact, aware of some ability that we, as women, don’t possess and in addition take everyone in their family with them to this illusive pinnacle of freedom and happiness.

I still hear women telling their little boys that “boys don’t cry.” That couldn’t be further from the truth and I believe it’s a kind of psychological abuse that if repeated over time can teach a young man to be detached from his feelings.

And as adult women we complain about how the men in our lives are emotionally distant and not able to communicate with us on certain emotional levels.

Women, just like most men, fail to see the link between how little boys and men are taught, to how this conditioning goes on to harm them. It is also one of the big causes for relationships between men and women to fail.

I’m reminding you of the fact that men hurt too. They have emotions similar to women.
The only difference is that many men keep their emotions locked down unless they have been fortunate enough to have seen beyond the lies surrounding them about what it means to be male.
I’m not saying this in an attempt to excuse any wrong behavior that they do, because at some point in their lives, we must all take responsibility for our own emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual health.

But keep in mind that some men are still hurting and have yet to find healing while others have moved beyond the emotional pain of their past to a freer and more spiritually mature self. Who you attract will depend on your own emotional state. So, before you look for somebody to hook-up with, heal yourself.

Author Bio

Felecia Townsend is a relationship enthusiast and personal coach. She has spent years learning the art of successful relationships and through her philanthropic writing is giving back to the community that has given her so much.

She is the author of “The Art of Endurance,” a book which chronicles the hidden path to personal freedom. She is also a relationship enthusiast and everyday adventurer of human relations. She firmly believes that in order to have a healthy, wholesome, loving, and lasting relationship with another consenting individual, you must first be able to have that relationship with yourself.

Jayson Gaddis - Revolutionary Man Leadership Training

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:18:00 +0000

This training is a must for any man who wants to learn to be the man you are capable of becoming.

The Revolutionary Man Leadership training is a program that will put you on your “edge,” where all true learning takes place out of your comfort zone. You’ll be challenged, confronted, celebrated and seen. Prepare to live: really live. Without risk – the guts, there is no reward – the glory. Jayson helps you get there.
--Jeffrey Wolfe, 45, College professor/Oriental medical doctor

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Sayadaw U Tejaniya - Essential Tips for Observing the Moment in Mindfulness Meditation

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:50:00 +0000

We all benefit from being more mindful, at work, in the gym, or at home - especially with our romantic partners. In this brief article from Tricycle, Sayadaw U Tejaniya offers some essential tips for observing the moment in mindfulness meditation.

Observing Minds Want to Know
Sayadaw U Tejaniya gives essential tips for observing the moment in mindfulness meditation.

By Sayadaw U Tejaniya

BEFORE WE START practicing mindfulness meditation, we must know how to practice. We need to have the right information and a clear understanding of the practice to work with awareness intelligently. This information will work at the back of your mind when you meditate.

1. Meditating is watching and waiting patiently with awareness and understanding. Meditation is not trying to experience something you have read about or heard about.

2. When meditating, both the body and mind should be comfortable.

3. You are not trying to make things turn out the way you want them to happen. You are trying to know what is happening as it is.

4. You have to accept and watch both good and bad experiences. You want only good experiences? You don’t want even the tiniest unpleasant experience? Is this reasonable? Is this the way of the dhamma?

5. Don’t feel disturbed by the thinking mind. You are not practicing to prevent thinking, but rather to recognize and acknowledge thinking whenever it arises.

6. The object of attention is not really important: the observing mind that is working to be aware is of real importance. If the observing is done with the right attitude, any object is the right object.

7. Just pay attention to the present moment. Don’t get lost in thoughts about the past. Don’t get carried away by thoughts about the future.

From Don’t Look Down On the Defilements: They Will Laugh at You, © Ashin Tejaniya. Reprinted with permission.

Tags: Sayadaw U Tejaniya, Essential Tips, Observing the Moment, Mindfulness, Meditation, Tricycle, Observing Minds Want to Know, Buddhism, relationships

Humor - The Gentleman's Discourse

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:59:00 +0000

From The Onion - one of the cool things about being a grown-up is that I no longer have nights like this.

Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening

By A 750-Milliliter Bottle of Whiskey
November 10, 2009 | Issue 45•46

Ah, pardon me, milady. May I have a word? I trust you're enjoying tonight's festivities? I should say I am. Nothing stirs the blood quite like an evening of dancing, conversing, and libations, wouldn't you say? My apologies for the confusion; while I'm aware that you have been speaking with the gentleman here, I should let you know that, as he has now imbibed a considerable proportion of my contents, the conversational duties will henceforth fall to yours truly.

I think we've heard quite enough from him by now, anyhow.

I should clarify: You began a conversation with a somewhat charming and erudite man, and now you shall be interacting solely with me, the substance contained within an ordinary bottle of whiskey. The shift is slightly jarring, I'll admit, and perhaps even unsettling. Nevertheless, let me assure you that this is as he intended. By consuming nearly half my contents, he elected to have me act as his proxy in all manner of interpersonal communications.

You'll be getting to know me quite well over the next three hours, or at least until I take over his body in toto and pass out in the nearest chair, whichever comes first. If you care to listen, I believe you'll find many of my anecdotes and opinions fascinating. For example, were you aware that it took him nearly half an hour to drive himself here because the Chinaman in front of him never learned to read a damned speedometer?

Now, now, please—calm yourself. Before you jump to conclusions, know that I am not being deliberately racist. No, that's just the sort of unfiltered "from the hip"—if I can use the vernacular—statements you can expect for the rest of the night. I'll be unearthing many facets of his personality of which he himself was previously unaware, as represented by the aforementioned racially charged remark, a few half-baked political notions, and a long, rambling explanation of why his former romantic partner was so wrong to abandon him despite the fact that he dedicated nearly three years of his life to her and who in the hell was she to imply that he was incapable of loving anyone but himself?

This reminds me, I have also been tasked with undertaking all possible romantic endeavors tonight. Most likely this will occur in the form of an awkward pass; perhaps I'll lean in to brush your hair out of your face but inadvertently poke you in the eye, because I will have control of his motor functions as well.

Have I mentioned that you have great tits?

My apologies, that was merely an observation intended as a compliment. I can see how it might be misinterpreted, but believe me, I had only the purest intentions at heart. In matters of beauty, I prefer to do away with formalities, and in point of fact, they are quite impressive as far as tits are concerned.

I say, is that Van Halen I hear? Ah, splendid. Permit me to scream "Hell, yeah! Turn that shit up, goddamn it!" Also, if you would be so kind as to indulge me in this opportunity to pantomime playing multiple instruments. I am infrequently afforded a setting in which to clumsily pretend I am performing before an audience I imagine to be appreciative, and I must say I do enjoy it so.

Panama! Whoo! Panama-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…Pana…. Fucking Panama!

Well now, I suppose at this point you should know that I am also assuming the duties ordinarily filtered by his sense of decorum and dignity. This will result in some spectacularly bad dancing, as well a fair amount of drooling. I may also stand over a bowl of chips and shovel them into my mouth with the same glassy-eyed stare one sometimes sees on a particularly unintelligent dog or cow. But fear not! If I should overstep some social convention, you may inform me in any way you see fit without fear of consequence, as my charge will have no recollection of it the next day.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I've been slighted by that gentleman who just bumped into me, and I feel that the only way to maintain my honor is to call him a fucking faggot and engage in fisticuffs. I've enjoyed this chat, and look forward to talking once again, assuming I don't decide that I'm going to take over tonight's driving duties as well.

Transitioning through Life’s Phases: Midlife Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:08:00 +0000

[image source]

This was the Daily Om from a day or two ago.

I'm 42 years young, which means - as a man in this country - I am entering midlife. According to the prevailing wisdom, I should be expecting a crisis sometime soon. Men, the story goes, do not handle well the realization that they are aging and are no longer young. So, maybe I'll get a red sports car, or a 20 year old blond girlfriend.

Or not.

I actually had my crisis already, in my 30's (when I left Seattle for my proverbial 40 days in the desert), so I should not have too much to worry about. Besides, I have never been more happy than I am right now. And, really, I sill look like I'm in my early 30's anyway.

But, seriously, we all face transitions and life crises at some point or another. How we deal with them determines whether we grow from them or allow them to damage us. This little article suggests that we might want to look within for guidance when these challenges come our way, rather than allow baseless cultural biases to determine how we feel about ourselves.

Transitioning through Life’s Phases
Midlife Crisis
In our youth-oriented culture, the process of aging is not honored as it once was. There have been societies that looked to those who were older for leadership, understanding that their life experiences must have brought some wisdom with them. Our society tends to put more value on looking youthful, so when the time comes that we don’t look, move, or feel the way we once did, this causes a sudden jolt to our perception of ourselves. We can look at this shift as a crisis and fight against change, or we can take the opportunity to transition smoothly to a new phase of life.

We spend our youth learning who we are and what we are capable of accomplishing. As we set and reach our goals, it is easy to identify ourselves by our roles. At some point we may feel very comfortable in the idea that we have a complete understanding of ourselves. This is, inevitably, when things change and we get to see ourselves from a new perspective. Those who have reached their goals may wonder where to go from there, feeling uncomfortable with the new choice of parts to play. Others may have to let go of an identity that was built around a goal that was not reached and decide from what foundation to rebuild. Although it can be challenging to shift into a new expression of self, we may find that we’re better suited for this fresh path of self-discovery and the new perspective it brings.

Whether we find ourselves facing a midlife crisis or any life transition, we can take the time to get in touch with our inner selves. From the unchanging spirit within us, we can accept and embrace the changes that come with the human experience. Examining where we’ve been and what we’ve learned can point in the direction of all that we would like to do now and in the future. When we anchor our identity in our spiritual nature, we understand that physical change does not change who we are, but only offers another perspective from which to experience, understand, and celebrate life.

The New Man - Episode 83: What is a Men's Group and Why Should You Care?

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:58:00 +0000

Tripp and Jayson want to teach you to start and lead your own men's group. If you would like to sign up for their training, Men's Group 101, simply follow this link.

Episode 83: What is a Men's Group and Why Should You Care?

Are you one of those guys who -- deep down -- is wondering, “What in the hell am I doing with my life?”
When you get in the weeds, do you tend to isolate like a wounded animal?
And how likely are you to really follow through on all of those goals?
This week Revolutionary Man, Jayson Gaddis and I dive into a solution for any guy who has ever felt stuck, isolated and unable to follow through. We’re talking about men’s groups.
We’re excited to tell you about the benefits of participating in a men’s group as well as a killer new offer from http://www.mensgroup101.com/thenewman
In this episode:
What is a men’s group?
What is it not?
Why should you care?
How would you know if a men’s group could benefit you?
How are most guys screwing up?
How are some guys like walking tea kettles?
What does this have to do with a fear of failure?
How do truly successful guys utilize the power of others?

If you would like to sign up for their training, simply follow this link.

Steven Stosny - Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:27:00 +0000

When compassion fails, relationships fail. This is a great article from Steven Stosny at the Psychology Today blogs.

As men, we can set the tone in our relationships by embracing compassion. If you extend compassion to her, especially in the midst of a fight, she will respond in kind, if not immediately, then soon.

Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

by Steven Stosny

Why should I care if you don't care?

Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.
Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.
Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.
As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.
Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.
Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.
By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.
Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.
Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.
The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.
The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt. My next post will address the understandable but self-destructive fear of compassion.

International Men’s Day is November 19

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:21:00 +0000

Via Men's News Daily.

International Men’s Day is November 19

Saturday, November 7, 2009

WORLDWIDE OBSERVANCE OF INTERNATIONAL MEN’S DAY, THURSDAY, 19 NOVEMBER 2009 BY MEN AND FATHERS, MEN’S GROUPS, FATHERHOOD ORGANIZATIONS, AND FATHERHOOD PRACTITIONERS.

AUSTRALIA – 6 NOVEMBER 2009 — Men and Fathers, Men’s Groups, Fatherhood Practitioners, and Fatherhood organizations throughout our global village will observe International Men’s Day on Thursday, 19 November 2009. Trinidad and Tobago, Jamaica, Australia, India, United States, Singapore, United Kingdom, Malta, South Africa, Georgia, New Zealand, Moldova, Germany, Holland and Brazil are a sample of the nations around the globe that are planning activities on International Men’s Day 2009 which will honor the selfless sacrifices of men and celebrate men’s invaluable contributions to families, communities, and society.

International Men’s Day is a call for international collaboration to address the challenges and problems men face; improving gender relations between men and women; promoting gender equality; highlighting positive male role models – not just movie stars and athletes – but “everyday working class men who are living decent, honest lives”; and creating a safer and better world. Dr Jerome Teelucksingh, a University of West Indies History Lecturer, conceived and coordinated the first celebration of International Men’s Day in Trinidad and Tobago on 19 November 1999. Dr. Teelucksingh selected 19 November 1999 as the date for celebrating International Men’s Day because it coincided with his father’s birthday, whom he felt was an excellent male role model, and also because it was the day in which the football team in his country created a level of unity which crossed gender, religious and ethnic divisions.

When asked to comment on International Men’s Day, Dr Teelucksingh, the founder, said: “I realized there was no day for men… some have said that there is Father’s Day, but what about young boys, teenagers and men who are not fathers? The theme for the worldwide observance of International Men’s Day 2009 is ‘Positive Male Role Models’. The theme for the 2010 worldwide observation of International Men’s Day will be ‘Unity’.”

Uma Challa is the International Men’s Day Coordinator for India. She stated: “The inseparability of the male and female entities in the Universe is represented by Ardhanareeswara, who embodies both male & female in Indian culture. This representation indicates that while both the female and male forms have their own individual identities and strengths, they are still interdependent and complementary and, it is only by combining their individual strengths that they are able to create and nurture life in the Universe. International Women’s Day is celebrated the world over every year. We also need to have a celebration every year to recognize and honor men; our fathers, brothers, partners, sons, male friends and colleagues; for the numerous services they render and the innumerable sacrifices they make to ensure the health and well-being of the family and the society.”

Warwick Marsh from Australia’s Dads4Kids and the Global Coordinator for International Men’s Day shared his thoughts about the 19 November 2009 worldwide celebration of Men’s Day: “It is my hope that International Men’s Day will be the catalyst for men, Men’s Groups, Fatherhood Practitioners, fatherhood organizations, women, social entrepreneurs, church leaders, health care professionals and providers, legal professionals, legislators, law enforcement professionals, social services professionals and providers, educators, academic and religious institutions, and businesses to begin working together in the spirit of collaboration and with a ‘sense of oneness’ to create, share, and implement key ‘pieces of the puzzle’ to resolving the critical state of affairs of men’s health and to create resources and support services that effectively address the unique health and fathering needs of men. Every idea is important. Every voice must be heard. Together we can make a difference.”

Jason Thompson from Australia and the Global Promotions Coordinator for International Men’s Day made the following comment: “International Men’s Day is a day to celebrate all positive examples of men and boys, those people we can look up to and ultimately emulate such as school prefects, academic achievers, political leaders, champions of the environment, and those more humble males who on a daily basis clean our streets, build our houses, fix our cars, police our streets, care for children, and dedicate themselves to others. Blogs, forums and resources are found on the internationalmensday.com website, available for your use. Please download logos and posters for your event. I would like to take this opportunity to ask individuals and organizations who have an event planned or are in the process of planning an event for International Men’s Day to contact me with the details so that we can publicize your efforts. I can be reached by email at: hippolytus_101@yahoo.com.au ”

Diane A Sears, the International Men’s Day Coordinator for the United States of America offered the following statement about the 19 November 2009 worldwide observance of International Men’s Day: “I share Warwick Marsh’s sentiment that we all have key ‘pieces of the puzzle’ to addressing and resolving the unique parenting and health issues of Men from all Walks of Life throughout our global village. We must work together as a team. International Men’s Day provides us with a great opportunity ‘to begin to work together in a ‘spirit of collaboration’ and a ‘sense of oneness’ . . . to share our ideas, form strategic alliances, and create and implement resources and support services that will strengthen fathers from all walks of life throughout our global village. Strong fathers create and sustain efficiently functioning family units. Efficiently functioning family units positively shape the minds and souls of our children – our future – our bridge to the future. After all, isn’t it really about our children?”

For more information about the observance of International Men’s Day on 19 November 2009, visit International Men’s Day website at www.InternationalMensday.com.

Seth Meyers - Novel Deftly Explores the Sexual Mechanisms Men Use to Cope With Romantic Loss

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:10:00 +0000

There aren't many interesting books about the male experience - this appears to be one of the few exceptions.

Novel Deftly Explores the Sexual Mechanisms Men Use to Cope With Romantic Loss

Do Women Truly Want a Window Into Male Sexuality?

By Seth Meyers, Ph.D.

On occasion, after I read a book, I feel compelled to write about it. This happened after I read the new novel "This Is Where I Leave You," by New York Times bestselling author Jonathan Tropper. What a punch this novel packs, replete with betrayal, death, and male existential crises. Specifically, the plot deals with the travails of the protagonist, whose wife falls in love with another man, and tracks the downward spiral that ensures.
Few novels capture so accurately how the loss of a woman's love is often accompanied by the battling forces of possession and sexual fantasy. Torn apart by betrayal, and living alone after the separation, we read about the main character's epiphanies and the emotions triggered, by the loss, which he manages by means of rabid masturbation and elaborate fantasies of reconnecting sexually with his ex-wife. It seems that it's not an emotional reconnection that he seeks, but rather the ability to once again possess her sexually.

"This Is Where I Leave You" is a sexual and emotional tour-de-force that many readers will connect with. I admit that initially what drew me to the book was its title. I find that I seek out melancholia in fiction and film, perhaps because it tends to mingle so many layers of emotion. The title, in fact, reminds me of another favorite book (and title) of mine: Joyce Carol Oates' "Because It Is Bitter and Because It Is My Heart." I'm not sure a better title has ever been crafted. But clearly she can do more than construct a solid title: Reading Oasts' work inspired me to do something I've never done before or since: As a teenager, when I read her book "Wonderland," I wrote her a letter with a few questions about the characters' intentions. She never responded, but the point remains: She conjures characters and situations that are easy to become invested in.

I don't plan to write to the author of "This Is Where I Leave You," though that's not to say he didn't leave me with questions. However, one of the questions I have is for the readers for TIWILY. I wonder if this is a book that only men would enjoy, since Tropper so artfully probes the male psyche, or if women would appreciate the book as well.

My guess is that men would like this book more than women, because Tropper draws such a vivid and relatable portrait of male sexuality -- a portrait women might not feel they've benefited from seeing the details of. Regardless, this book is so well-written and funny that I recommend you pick a copy up and give it a try. I enjoyed it immensely and hope you do, too.

The Best Exercise You're Not Doing (Turkish Get-Ups) by Matthieu Hertilus

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:08:00 +0000

If you want to be fit, this exercise is the real deal - there are not many others that will test your overall strength as much as this one will. Start light to get the form right, then work the weights up.

Be sure to also go check out the videos demonstrating good form at the T-Muscle site.

The Best Exercise You're Not Doing
by Matthieu Hertilus
Could you use more muscle, better coordination, and improved conditioning? What about a half-dozen Playmates, a million bucks, and Rachael Ray as your personal chef?

What if I told you that you could get all of that—well, at least half of that—with one exercise?

Once relegated to MMA fighters, Crossfit crazies, and older weekend warriors, the Turkish Get-Up (TGU) is the best exercise you're not doing. You took the time to learn how to properly deadlift, squat, bench, and power clean, but like an oil tower in There Will Be Blood, I still believe you're leaving precious resources untapped.

I have no qualms in saying that learning and practicing the TGU will be one of the best investments you ever make for your body. Will you get a few strange looks from other people at your gym? Sure. But so do the guys who flex their abs in the mirror, and their egos haven't been deflated yet.

Fatties and beanpoles run amok and lifters with decent bodies are fairly common, but guys with functional, symmetrical muscles are few and far between. And if I've learned anything it's this: to get uncommon results, you must train in uncommon ways.

If you want a better body, a new challenging exercise, or just some good ol' fashioned hip mobility and core strength, then the TGU is perfect for you.

You're a badass if you can do it with a loaded barbell.

The Seven Steps

The TGU is separated into seven steps that can also be seen as a progression model; many newcomers to the exercise can simply do the first couple of steps for a training effect. But more on that later. The important point is this: do not take any of the steps lightly.

Some may seem simple, but it's in your best interest to pay attention to the details if you want to reap the benefits and save yourself from an embarrassing dumbbell-to-head situation. You must master every single step before putting it all together.

Step 1: Roll to Press

While the roll to press looks easy, it's very important you take time to practice this motion until you can easily set yourself up for the remaining progressions. This step not only entails getting the weight overhead from a flat back position, but also getting yourself into proper alignment to safeguard your body for the rest of the movement.

How it's done

Get in the fetal position on your right side with the dumbbell or kettlebell in your right hand. In one fluid motion roll onto your back and press the dumbbell into the air, keeping it locked and stable. Your right knee should be bent with your toe pointed away from your body and your heel close to your butt.

You want your entire upper body pressed against the floor, with your shoulder blades pulled together. (A common error I see is the shoulder of the working arm raised off the floor in the beginning of the exercise.) Your left leg should be straight, with your heel pinned to the ground, while your left hand rests on your abdomen.

Key Points

• Get into a tight fetal position and roll your body away from the weight as you press it overhead.

• Squeeze the shoulder blades together.

• Keep the heel of the right foot close your glutes and point the toes slightly away from the body.
A quick note on breathing: Since the TGU is an exhaustive movement, you never want to hold your breath at any point as one full repetition can go as long as 60 seconds. However, you should also never fully breathe out as you want to keep some semblance of tension at each progression.

Instead, you want to practice short, shallow breathing in order to maintain a balance of tension in the lats, core, and shoulders and relaxation in the neck and face.

Step 2: Press to Elbow

It's important to drive the heel of the working side into the ground as if you were about to lift your hip. The strong-side arm should stay locked since you want to avoid pressing the weight during this stage. (In fact, you shouldn't press the weight at any time during the TGU other than on the first step.) In one controlled motion, shift your bodyweight away from the working side and rest on your opposite forearm.

Here, your chest should stay up, your working-side foot is flat against the ground and close to the glutes, and the non-working heel remains planted against the ground.

Key Points

• Push the foot of the strong side into the ground as you use your hips to initiate the movement.

• Keep the heel of the opposite side planted against the ground and the toes pointed upward.

• Keep vertical alignment even during the movement (keep the chest up).

• Flex the lats. This is your "shelf" to keep the weight stable and any unwanted pressure off the shoulder.

• Keep your eyes on the weight or toward the ceiling at all times.
Step 3: Post-Up Position

This step involves straightening the arm of the non-working side until it's fully extended and your palm rests flat on the floor. Again, dig into the ground with both heels as you don't want to rely on pushing off the forearm. Make sure to sit up tall when doing this as you don't want to lean on the extended arm which would result in shoulder discomfort and possibly injury.

Key Points

• Keep the opposite hand close to you to avoid any impingement on the shoulder.

• Don't slouch. Sit up tall with the chest open and the head up.
Step 4: High Pelvis Bridge

If there was ever a time where the TGU displayed what it can do for hip mobility, core strength and shoulder stability, this is it. In this step, you'll perform a high pelvic bridge by driving the hips upward, creating a nice stretch for the hip flexors while activating the glutes. There should be a straight line from the knee of the working side to the top of the head setting you up for the opposite leg to sweep underneath in the next progression.

Key Points

• Focus on your breathing. This is an awkward position and you don't want to make it harder on yourself with screwed up breathing patterns.

• The key here is balance. There shouldn't be a great disparity in tension from one side of your body to the other.
Step 5: High Pelvis to Knee

If you performed the last step correctly, there should be enough space to slide your opposite leg underneath you. This is perhaps the most challenging step as it involves a tremendous amount of flexibility in the hips and shoulders to keep the movement under control.

This is also where most beginners commonly lose their breathing pattern and strain their way through the movement. The non-working side knee should be in a straight line with that hand.

Key Points

• Take your time. Breathe at each progression before moving on to regain body awareness and focus on the next step.

Step 6: Knee to Kneeling

In this step, simply rise from your three points of contact (foot, knee, hand) into a standard lunge position. A common error in this step is pressing the weight up as your body comes up. As with all other progressions, there should be little to no movement of the working-side arm as you want to keep it rigid while bringing your body up instead of pushing the weight up. Avoid arching your back excessively as you want to be tall in your stance.

Key Points

• Avoid pushing off the opposite arm to get into position. Use your core to initiate the movement as you shift the opposite foot to a standard lunge position.

Step 7: The Stand

Come to a standing position by driving off the ground with both feet. Again, it's important that you don't press the weight.

Key Points

• This should be performed as if you were doing an overhead lunge, which is a tremendous accessory exercise for this progression.

You Gotta Get Up to Get Down

Once you've mastered all the progressions you can pat yourself on the back, but you're only halfway done with the TGU. Now all you have to do is get back down.

Simply reverse each movement until you're flat on your back again, keeping your arm locked at all times. (Some people find this more difficult than actually getting up.) Once you're staring at the ceiling again you've successfully completed one repetition.

Be sure to keep the reps low in the beginning (no more than three per side) as form is crucial with the TGU.

I recommend slowly going through each progression after your general warm-up to prime your body for whatever big lift you have for the day. If you can't do all seven steps fluidly, start with the first and keep building until you can do the complete movement.

How to Add the TGU to Your Training Program

Weeks 1-4 (Use as a warm-up)

Perform each progression in sequence for a set of three before your core lift for the day, but after your general warm-up.

For example, start with Step 1 for a set of three and come down to the starting position before doing Step 2 for another set of three. This will ensure each of the beginning steps stays reinforced as you move on to each progressively more difficult progression.

Weeks 4-8 (Use as the first exercise of the day)

Continue to use the progressions as a warm-up. After which, perform three sets of three full TGU's on each side with a light weight (only slightly heavier than what you used for the warm-ups).

One rep equals a full TGU (up and down) done on each side. Rest as long as needed between sides and between sets.

Weeks 8-12 (Use as the main lift)

After warming up with your progressions, go for five heavy sets of two. Use the same protocol as the last four weeks but with a heavier weight.

Final Thoughts

• A good warm-up includes a good amount of foam rolling, especially in the thoracic spine, IT band, rectus femoris, quads, and hip flexors.

• Make sure you have plenty of room for this movement. You may want to kick a soccer mom off her Bosu ball and steal a corner in your gym.

• Never try to save the lift. If the weight gets away from you, drop it! It's better to leave a mark on the floor than suffer a dislocated shoulder.

Wrap-Up

The Big 5 are great, but the Turkish Get-Up may just be the missing piece to building an overall strong, coordinated, muscular body. Give it a try and let us know how you do. (Oh, and you're not a total badass until you can do it with a loaded barbell.)

Referenced Work:

Cheung, Mark. Cook, Gray. Jones, Brett. “Kettlebells From the Ground Up - The Kalos Sthenos” (Supplementary manual for Kettlebells From the Ground Up – The Kalos Sthenos).

Uncover Your True Face - Underneath the Mask

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Still Life with Masks, 1911, by Emil Nolde

This is today's Daily Om - a nice meditation on being honest about who we are. We all wear masks out in the world, as an employee, a student, a coworker, or any number of others. We then come home and wear more masks, as a husband, a father, a brother, a son, and so many more. But when do we take off the masks and just be ourselves?

Uncover Your True Face
Underneath the Mask
Many of us know the feeling of being stuck in a particular role within our families, as if we are wearing masks whenever we see the people we love. Maybe we are the good daughters, expected to always please others, or perhaps we are the family clowns, expected to be jovial and make everyone laugh. This same scenario can play out within a work situation or a group of friends. We may be so good at our role that we hardly even notice that we are wearing a mask, and yet, deep down, we know that we are not free to simply be who we really are. This can leave us feeling unseen and uneasy.

There is nothing inherently wrong with wearing a mask or playing a role. It is a natural part of any social dynamic and it can even be creative and fun. It only becomes a problem when you feel that you have no other choice than to wear that mask, and this is especially challenging if you realize you are never without one. Perhaps you have forgotten who you really are—a vast and unrestricted being of light—and have identified yourself completely with a role. You may be the dutiful, caring son who keeps his parents’ dysfunctional marriage intact. You may be the angelic wife who enables your husband to continue on a destructive path. You may be the cheerful daughter to a deeply depressed mother. Whatever the case, knowing the motivation behind your performance—the function of your mask—can help to uncover your true face.

Anytime we find ourselves stuck behind a mask, it is an indication that we are entangled in a dysfunctional dynamic in which our true self cannot be seen. We have been placed in this situation for the purpose of our own healing and, in some cases, the healing of others. From this perspective, life can be seen as a series of situations that call us to remove our masks—gently, and with great compassion for all concerned—to reveal the beauty underneath.

I don't think masks are necessarily dysfunctional, but if we have no control over the masks we wear, or if we can never be without them, then we might need to do some work to rediscover who we truly are - what is your original face?

Nestor Lopez-Duran PhD - Anxiety in boys and substance use in girls: Paths to major depression in adolescence?

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:03:00 +0000

Great article, from the Child Research Psychology Blog.

I think there is a typo in the results section - my guess is that anxiety is a greater predictor in boys than in girls.

Anxiety in boys and substance use in girls: Paths to major depression in adolescence?

Written by Nestor Lopez-Duran PhD on Wednesday, November 4.2009
Recently I finished writing an article with child depression researcher Dr. Maria Kovacs about the concept of prodromal processes in child and adolescent depression. The article should be appearing early next year on a special issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. In that article, we reviewed the extensive literature on the predictors of childhood-onset depression and discuss how symptoms of anxiety may be a signal that a depression process may be underway.

Interestingly, a paper that was just published in the same journal provides more information about this issue, and suggests that the clinical predictors of depression may actually be different for boys and girls.
In this new study, Dr. Catherine Gallerani and colleagues at Vanderbilt University were interested in examining the temporal comorbidity of depression, anxiety, conduct disorder, and substance abuse during adolescence. Specifically, depression during this time period is usually comorbid with other conditions, such as anxiety and substance abuse. Some researchers have examined the temporal relation in the onset of these disorders (what precedes what) which can provide information about which disorders increase the risk for other disorders (this follows the hypothesis that the disorders are separate entities and one makes you more likely to have another), as well which disorder signals an early phase of another disorder (this follows a prodromal view suggesting that some of these disorders may be phases of one another in that, for example, symptoms of anxiety may be an early phase of depression). In the current study, the authors wanted to examine two specific issues: how does the temporal relation between these conditions differ for boys and girls, and whether they differ between adolescents at low or high familial-risk for depression.

The study included 240 adolescents (54% female). 185 had a parent with a history of depression and 55 had parents with no history of psychiatric disorders. These children underwent psychiatric evaluations annually for 5-6 years from 6th to 12th grade.

The results:

1. As expected, children of parents with a history of depression were significantly more likely to develop depression during the study period than children at low-risk for psychopathology. In fact, at-risk children were 12 times more likely to develop depression than their low-risk peers. These at risk children were also more likely to develop anxiety (4 times), conduct disorder (11 times), and substance use disorder (6 times).

2.The temporal relation between the different conditions was affected by the sex of the child. Specifically:

2.A. There was no temporal relation between anxiety and depression for girls. However, for boys, anxiety symptoms more than doubled the risk of developing depression in the future even after controlling for familial risk. That is, across at-risk and low-risk boys, having anxiety predicted the later onset of depression.

2.B. A different pattern was observed for the association between substance abuse and depression. Substance abuse increased the risk for developing depression by 300% among girls but not among boys. Furthermore, the odds that anxiety predicted depression among was 13 times greater for girls than for boys.

Now, what do we mean when we say “increased risk”? Does this mean that anxiety or substance use causes depression? Are we talking about true ‘mechanistic risk’ as when we say that not wearing a seat belt during a car accident increases the risk that you will be seriously injured? Not quite. In the case of the seat belt, we know the mechanism of risk. We know that not using the seat belt makes you more likely to fly through the windshield and get injured. However, in the case of the temporal association between these disorders, “increased risk” is actually a statistical term we use to refer to the possibility of observing an event in the data. For example, when looking at girls, observing a substance use disorder in the data makes us 3 times more likely that we will observe a diagnosis of depression in the same girl in the future. The data themselves do not address the possible mechanisms behind such increased risk, so we don’t quite know why the presence of one (substance use) increases the possibility of seeing the other (depression). One possibility is that indeed one causes the other - so that for example, being anxious makes you ruminate more, which in turn makes you more likely to be depressed. The other possibility is that both are symptoms of a single process, in that being anxious is simply an early symptom - or early phase - of the depression process.

Regardless of the mechanism at play however, the results are pretty compelling showing different temporal associations between these disorders and depression for boys and girls. The results suggest that we should be particularly attentive to symptoms of anxiety among boys, as these signal an increased possibility for future depression. In contrast, substance abuse among girls seems to be highly associated with future depression onset, and thus we should monitor girls that are found to abuse substances during early adolescence.

Gallerani, C., Garber, J., & Martin, N. (2009). The temporal relation between depression and comorbid psychopathology in adolescents at varied risk for depression Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2009.02155.x

The Revolutionary Man - Open Your Heart, Even if it Stings

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:34:00 +0000

Jayson says his post was inspired by one of mine, which works out nicely since this here post is inspired by his - it's kind of like an ascending spiral of inspiration.

Here is the beginning of Jayson's post:

Open Your Heart, Even if it Stings

Wed, Nov 4, 2009

This post inspired by Bill Harryman blogging about chapter two in David Deida’s book Way of The Superior Man

Commitment 10

I vow to live with an open heart even if it hurts. (see other commitments here.)

In a powerful medicine ceremony the other night I was reminded how much it burns to keep my heart open. Then I felt the sheer power of my open heart. In that moment, I renewed my vow to keep my heart open and available.

If you claim you want deep love and true connection but you walk around with a closed heart, read on. If you want to know your life’s calling and you keep your heart stifled and tucked away, it’s unlikely you’ll ever find your purpose in this life. If you are a man who longs to be seen, acknowledged, understood, or loved, this is required reading for you.

If you are a human being, you have been hurt in some way. And chances are you still walk around with that hurt, the pain locked up inside you, buried for really valid reasons. The good news is that your old hurt can be the key to unlock your power and potential. All of us need help opening our heart further and further.

Living with your heart open is a rich, unexplored part of the path for most men. Many men keep their heart closed their whole life, never even opening up to their spouse or intimate partner.

I was that guy until about age 30—walking around with a puffed out chest and a closed heart. At the same time I guarded my heart, I also longed for deep connection. Little did I know that it was up to me to make the first move. And, I had no clue that in order to get what I wanted, I had to start feeling.

So, why bother opening my heart?

First, let’s look at it from the opposite angle; why not open your heart? Ask yourself “what is the worst thing that can happen?” It gets broken? You get hurt again? Remember, you are already walking around with hurt. Do you fear what you are already feeling?

Many of you already have had a broken heart.

For me, I had a long list of really good reasons why I was not opening up to my girlfriends and why I kept my distance from my male friends. Mostly, I would blame others. I was saving it for the big day when I met that special woman. “Well, if I knew she was the one, then I would open up to her.”

Had I never looked in the mirror and got honest with myself, I would have taken my amazing heart to my grave. A lot of men take this approach and end up dying feeling alone and broken. In fact, the number one cause of death among men in the US for the last many years? Heart disease.

Read his whole post.

This was a timely article for me, as yesterday was a bit of an emotional challenge. Two things happened yesterday that shook me deeply.

(1) A female friend of mine talked opening about being sexually harassed by a man I had looked up to and respected. I felt horrible for her experience, for the fact that he tried to silence her, for the self-doubt he likely created in her. I can't imagine what she has been through, but my heart was opened by her words and her strength in the face of suffering.

And I was saddened that someone I looked up to was a much lesser man that I had thought him to be. Yes, he is very gifted in his profession and is an important part of making the world a better place at the social level. But as a person, well, not so much.

(2) A professor (Sharon) who I admire and look to as a mentor may no longer be able to teach in the counseling program due to bureaucratic bullshit. She has a masters degree, not a PhD, and the U of Phoenix is now wanting all professors, regardless of skill and experience, to hold a PhD. She is a fellow Buddhist and unlike much of the program, which is geared toward turning out CBT therapists, she is more of a person-centered gestalt therapist, a person actually spending most of her days doing therapy, not teaching.

Here is another quote from Jayson:

I know it’s painful and it can even sting, but try this on–feeling into your broken or closed heart is the way back to your own aliveness and your freedom as a man. The more you allow yourself to feel (including anger, sadness, and fear), the more alive you will be.

It took me years to learn this truth, but now that I know it, I can sit with my feelings so much more easily.

I spent much of yesterday being with my sadness. It came to a head at the end of our last class with Sharon last night, when we all talked about what we had learned in the class (individual counseling), the ways we had grown.

She often began the class with a short reading, generally from a book by Irvin Yalom, but also last night, a section from Pema Chrodron's The Places That Scare You. Chodron was talking about impermanence, and about holding an open heart in the face of loss and sadness. She mentioned the "warrior," a reference to Chogyam Trungpa's concept of the warrior heart - the strength that comes from being able to open our hearts and feel the tenderness of being vulnerable and open to our full feelings.

After class I hugged her and thanked her for all she had taught me and told her I appreciated her. I felt genuinely open, not only sad about the loss, but appreciative, grateful for having known her for the two classes she taught to our cohort.

My strength as a man, my aliveness, comes from working to discover and nurture this tender open heart. Ten or fifteen years ago, I would not have been able to hold that sadness in my heart as I did yesterday. Hell, maybe even five years ago.

I felt deeply for my friend who had been harassed - and I had even discussed it with her a while back, so I knew about the generality of it. I guess reading her words, seeing her strength, her humor, and her sadness made it all more real.

And I was saddened by the loss of a role-model. So few men have their shit together enough to be good role models. Another man revealed himself to be flawed in deep ways - as so many of us are.

And I was saddened by the loss of a mentor and friend along my path to becoming a therapist.

Because I did not push it away, or deny it, or try to numb it with chemicals, the sadness came and went. Today there is still some lingering feeling, but it has mostly passed - the same way storm clouds gather, rage a little while, then move on, leaving blue skies and fertile soil in their wake.

So, open your heart, even if it stings.

Robert Augustus Masters - Taking Charge of Your Charge

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:06:00 +0000

This comes via Arthur over at Facebook - good stuff, especially in light of this piece by my friend Natalie.

Too many men lack any control of their sexuality - if they are turned on, then the woman must want them and it must because be because of something the woman has done. Bullshit.

I don't care how sexual or flirty a woman is, that just may be her personality, and she has every right to express herself - it does NOT mean she wants you. And if you act as though she does, and make inappropriate moves on her without her approval, then you are the one who is out of line.

Deal with it men - women are not here just for your pleasure.

BUT, when she does want you, and she signals that she does in a personal way, then be respectful and be mature. You are responsible for your own arousal and sexuality.

Okay, a little rant - I guess I'm still pissed off about the man in Natalie's disclosure this morning. I'm done now. And this is actually a very good article.

Taking Charge of Your Charge

Sexual excitation -- the amplification of which will be referred to from now on as charge -- is not just something that happens to us, but often is also something that we, however unknowingly, generate in ourselves.

We are in charge of our charge, however strongly we might be inclined to think of ourselves otherwise. It is natural to feel sexually attracted to certain people, but not so natural to translate and amplify that attraction -- or psychogravitational pull -- into charge.
The transition from attraction to charge is an unknown territory to most of us, a largely dehumanized zone overpopulated by the conviction that the seductive promises lining its hormonal highways are there of their own accord, independent of us. This leaves us in the position of innocent bystander or victim, conveniently separate from -- and far from responsible for -- the erotic heating-up we are experiencing.

So what is charge? It is fundamentally just biochemical thrill on the make, mixing together amplified sensation and erotic anticipation. A cocktail of sweet dynamite. Regardless of its outfitting and presentation, charge ordinarily is simply the leading edge -- or wedge -- of unilluminated lust.

Most of all, however, it is something that we are doing to ourselves, something erotically engrossing and excitingly compelling, something we engage in not so as to awaken from our conditioning, but rather so as to exploit its possibilities. Making out in prison makes it seem less like prison -- at least until charge wanes, and we once again busy ourselves rebuilding and restaging it, looking to its engorged meatiness and hotly enveloping dramatics for enough warmth to keep the chill realization of what we are really up to at bay.

The creation of charge, and especially the repetitive creation of charge, mostly is just compensation for the apparent loss of -- or, more accurately, estrangement from -- what we naturally are. In short, a pleasurably consoling refuge from what troubles us. Something that quickly makes us feel better, efficiently distracting us from what we’d rather not face.

The craving to create charge, to suffuse (and even overwhelm) ourselves with its sweetly surging sensations, is mostly just a confession of being marooned from our depths. A booby prize in the making. Beneath its pinkened periphery and hormonal heights, charge is actually quite desperate, overly concerned with both its satisfaction and its continuation.

But just what gets satisfied? Not us.

Sex cannot truly satisfy and nourish us if charge persists as its foundation and central characteristic. In fact, sex can then only degenerate, until the distance or numbness or turned-off-ness that was there all along is at last undeniably present, daylight naked, soaking up attention and energy (thereby leaving lovers wondering where their original passion went).

Real sex does not depend upon charge. Its passion arises not so much from stimulation, as from an intimacy rooted in deep mutual trust, an intimacy that relies on the most potent of all aphrodisiacs: wide-awake, unconditioned love, soul-anchored love, love in the raw, love that is but the feeling of edgeless, already-sentient openness

As it is usually employed, charge is little more than erotic self-advertising, serving to proclaim our sexual readiness, availability, and potency. When we are thus possessed by charge -- overvaluing it to the point where we are unresistingly seeing through its eyes -- just about everything around us with any sexual valence tends to be considered as a potential object for its appetite, a possible harbinger of erotic possibility, to be classified as fuckable, unfuckable, or worth checking out.

Nevertheless, charge can be a very positive thing, as when it arises in the crucible of real intimacy; then charge becomes but a juicy rush and richly thrilling swell that supports and celebrates our intimacy.

When we, however, create charge with those with whom we are not lovers, we usually then only create (or reinforce) distance between ourselves and our lover, all but ensuring that our intimacy with our lover won’t go any deeper. Which may be what “we” actually want.

Flirting -- teasing spiked with sexual innuendo -- with those other than our lover more often than not keeps us “safely” in the shallows, regardless of the depths suggested by our bedroom eyes. Animating and indulging our promiscuous capacity, however subtly or discretely, generally keeps our intimacies unnecessarily unstable, for we, through our irresponsibly eroticized wandering of attention, are then betraying -- or are at least dangerously close to betraying -- our relationship with our partner.

Thus do we “protect” ourselves from reaching the point with our partner where we’ve gone too far to have an exit from intimacy’s demands, distracting and immunizing ourselves with neurotic suggestiveness and its titillating payoffs. In so doing, we only are screwing ourselves.

The point, however, isn’t to repress charge, but rather to become as conscious as possible of our relationship to it, so that we might cease needing to advertise our sexual availability, and cease being slaves to the creation and imperatives of charge, and cease relying on the presence of charge to make us feel better.

When we genuinely move beyond teasing ourselves and others with the promises and possibilities of eroticism, we are in a position to embody a deeper pleasure, a pleasure that eventually transmutes into Ecstasy. Then we can feel the Presence of the Beloved, the One with Whom we are forever already lovers, letting that feeling permeate and light up our bond with our partner.

When we let our charge be in charge, when we overassociate sexuality with sensation, God then is reduced to the Ultimate Orgasm. When we hobble charge with guilt, God is then reduced to the Ultimate Peeping Tom.

At the same time, however, squashing charge keeps us playing vigilant zookeeper or leak-inspector, trying to ensure that our erotic heatedness remains properly or nicely contained. Eviscerating charge simply desiccates us, creating in us an exaggerated interest in religious, philosophical, or political watering holes.

The fantasies we erect and inhabit through the engineering of charge don’t necessarily need a wrecking ball, nor quarantine, nor moral righteousness, nor more fire exits, but only sufficient compassion to touch the loneliness, fear, and pain that crouch in their shadows. When we undress charge and give it heart, it becomes but liberated energy, revealing what we’re all dying to see and feel.
Taking charge of our charge involves a no that makes possible a deeper yes. And in that yes is a Joy beyond imagination, a Joy that is our birthright, pulsing in -- and as -- our very cells, welcoming all that we are.

Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:09:00 +0000

Excellent . . . . I had a mostly absent father, and it was damaging. Kids need a father figure, in what ever way possible - and this is most true of boys.

Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)

PARENTING Bryan Leahy and Melissa Calapini with their children in Olivehurst, Calif.

By LAURIE TARKAN

Published: November 2, 2009

It used to irk Melissa Calapini when her 3-year-old daughter, Haley, hung around her father while he fixed his cars. Ms. Calapini thought there were more enriching things the little girl could be doing with her time.
But since the couple attended a parenting course — to save their relationship, which had become overwhelmed by arguments about rearing their children — Ms. Calapini has had a change of heart. Now she encourages the father-daughter car talk.
“Daddy’s bonding time with his girls is working on cars,” said Ms. Calapini, of Olivehurst, Calif. “He has his own way of communicating with them, and that’s O.K.”
As much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children, experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to do things their way, said Marsha Kline Pruett, a professor at the Smith College School for Social Work at Smith College and a co-author of the new book “Partnership Parenting,” with her husband, the child psychiatrist Dr. Kyle Pruett (Da Capo Press).
Yet a mother’s support of the father turns out to be a critical factor in his involvement with their children, experts say — even when a couple is divorced.
“In the last 20 years, everyone’s been talking about how important it is for fathers to be involved,” said Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton. “But now the idea is that the better the couple gets along, the better it is for the child.”
Her research, part of a project based at Princeton and called the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study, found that when couples scored high on positive relationship traits like willingness to compromise, expressing affection or love for their partner, encouraging or helping partners to do things that were important to them, and having an absence of insults and criticism, the father was significantly more likely to be engaged with his children.
Uninvolved fathers have long been accused of lacking motivation. But research shows that many societal obstacles conspire against them. Even as more fathers are changing diapers, dropping the children off at school and coaching soccer, they are often pushed aside in ways large and small.
“The walls in family resource centers are pink, there are women’s magazines in the waiting room, the mother’s name is on the files, and the home visitor asks for the mother if the father answers the door,” said Philip A. Cowan, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, who along with his wife, Carolyn Pape Cowan, has conducted decades of research on families. “It’s like fathers are not there.”
In recent years, several fathers’ rights organizations have offered father-only parenting programs and groups, and studies have shown that these help men become more responsive and engaged with their children.
But a new randomized, controlled study conducted by the Pruetts and the Cowans found that the families did even better if mothers were brought into the picture.
In the study, low-income couples were randomly placed into a father-mother group, a father-only group and a control group of couples. The controls were given one information session; the other two groups met for 16 weeks at family resource centers in California, discussing various parental issues.
In both of those groups, the researchers found, the fathers not only spent more time with their children than the controls did but were also more active in the daily tasks of child-rearing. They became more emotionally involved with their children, and the children were much less aggressive, hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn than children of fathers in the control group.
But notably, the families in the couples group did best. They had less parental stress and more marital happiness than the other parents studied, suggesting that the critical difference was not greater involvement by the fathers in child-rearing but greater emotional support between couples.
“The study emphasizes the importance of couples’ figuring parenting out together and accepting the different ways of parenting,” Dr. Kline Pruett said.
Fathers tend to do things differently, Dr. Kyle Pruett said, but not in ways that are worse for the children. Fathers do not mother, they father.
Dr. Kyle Pruett added: “Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently. Fathers want to show kids what’s going on outside their mother’s arms, to get their kids ready for the outside world.” To that end, he said, they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.
The study was financed by the California Office of Child Abuse Prevention, which is looking for ways to involve fathers more at the state’s many family resource centers. Experts say improving the way fathers are treated in many settings, public and private, is an important public health goal.
For example, they say, pictures of families on the walls of clinics and public agencies should have fathers in them. All correspondence should be addressed to both mother and father. Staff members should be welcoming to men. Steps like these promote early and lasting involvement by fathers.
“We want people to think about how positive father engagement in this co-parenting model would work in their foster care agency, local health clinic, pediatric office, adoption agency or school,” Dr. Kyle Pruett said. “That’s where an awful lot of the barriers are.”
At home, the experts recommend that couples keep talking about parenting issues and do their best to appreciate each other’s strengths. A recurring argument among couples is that each partner thinks he or she knows what is right; a mother may accuse the father of allowing too much television, while a father may tell a mother she isn’t strict enough with discipline.
“Instead, they should be saying, ‘How can each of us be the kind of parent that we are?’ ” Dr. Philip Cowan said. “I don’t think it’s abuse for a dad to sit with that little kid watching TV.”
These experts agree that parents should not focus solely on the children.
“Parents work all day, and feel as if they need to give every other minute to the kids,” Dr. Cowan said, “but if they don’t take care of the relationship between them, they’re not taking care of the whole story.”

The Husband Song

noreply@blogger.com (WH) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:28:00 +0000

Sad . . . and funny. There are certainly a lot of men who live like this, but this is the stereotype of all married men according to the media (sitcoms, comedy, movies). Pathetic.

On the other hand, though, are the ass-hats who keep their wives in subjugation. We have some messed up relationships in this country.

What's the Alternative to Tucker Max?

Many progressive young men are rejecting traditional and toxic notions of masculinity. But they're still figuring out what should replace it.

Courtney E. Martin \| November 9, 2009