The McMommy Chronicles

For The Procrastinators Out There.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:48:00 +0000

Good morning, McReaders! So because I know you are looking for ways to procrastinate wrapping those gifts, or making that dreaded last-minute trip to the insanely crowded grocery store….or because today is your last day of work and you are looking for ways to kill time before you can finally RUN out of there and begin your vacation……I give you the below.

A few weeks ago, I was interviewed by the fabulous Loukia of Mrs. Lou Lou’s Views about Christmas. Maybe you already read it. Maybe you haven’t. Either way, you should read it (again). It’s a great way to kill time. In fact, I recommend looking very engrossed while you are reading it, like it’s a complicated spreadsheet or something. Maybe even knit your eyebrows together, you know, for effect. Your kids…or boss…or co-workers…will be totally fooled into thinking you are working extremely hard….and may…just may…..give you five minutes of peace and quiet. Or tell you to go home early because “you work so hard.”

Like a little holiday gift from you to me.

Oh, and I apologize in advance for the pic at the end. It’s disturbing, I know.

Mrs. Lou Lou: With the holiday season right around the corner, what is your secret to making sure your husband gets you just what you want? And how early do you start dropping the hints? Like, "Oh, look! The Tiffany catalogue just arrived... " Or "My goodness, my Louis Vuitton is really feeling the brunt of carrying around sippy cups, wipes, diapers, toys and books all day every day for five years..."

McMommy: Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!! OMG! Get me “just what I want”??? hhahahahahaaaaaa! I’m sorry! Seriously, I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing. It’s just that…well, if you know my husband….his idea of a fabulous present includes things like wires and RAM and motherboards and insert-more technical-language-that-I-don’t-understand-here. If I said the words “Louis Vuitton” to him, he’d want to know why I want a French man for Christmas.

Which brings me to... what are you asking for this year?

A French man. Who answers to the name Louis or Mr. Vuitton

Or a maid.

But not a French maid. This present is for me, after all. Not my husband.

How early do you start your holiday shopping?

How early? Um yeahhhh. Like four days early. I’m not exactly what you would call a “planner”.

How do you prepare for the craziness? Wine? Massages? Ear plugs?

Uhh, yeahhhhh, that’s the ticket! I drink a glass of wine every night to “prepare for the craziness”…yes, that’s why I do it! It’s a matter of holiday survival! I love the way you think, Mrs. Lou Lou! In fact, I’m feeling like we need a little more preparation around the McHouse. You can never be too prepared, you know.

What are you excited to buy for your children this year? (Note: Not something they have necessarily asked for - but something you can't wait to buy them anyway!)

I helped the boys make “Wish Lists” this year. I let them cut out pictures of toys they wanted from catalogs and we taped them to big pieces of paper with the boys’ names on them. They looooved making these lists. So I’m excited to pick a couple things from their Wish List and see their reactions when they open them.

How many gifts on average does each child get? I don't really have a limit, which gets really out of hand. I even have to hide my purchases from my husband sometimes! We go way overboard with the give giving!

We spoil our kids with gifts, but I try not to go overboard. They are still so little (5 years old and 2 years old) and they get overwhelmed with it all so easily! That’s the reason I’m not getting them the “real-life gas station” they put on their wish list. I mean, first of all? How would I even wrap that? Secondly? You may disagree with me but little kids shouldn’t play with gasoline. And finally, I don’t have the million dollars it costs to buy a real-life gas station. Sorry, kids. I bet you are wishing Dooce was your mother now, right?

Do you ever use the "Oh... remember... Santa knows if you've been good or bad!" tactic?

I’ve been using that line since April.

Do you love to entertain around the holidays? What is your favourite holiday recipe, or favourite holiday treat you like to make? Or do you, because you've spent too much time shopping, opt to get food catered instead for your parties?

We do a party every year called “The Eve of Christmas Eve” party. This tradition started many years ago with some friends…based upon the assumption that even though we worked…no one would REALLLLY be expected to concentrate and actually conduct business on Christmas Eve. Hence why we could stay out late and party it up. It’s one of my most favorite parties of the year because it is laid-back, fun, and most of all? No one comes expecting catered food. But you better have wine. You know, to help everyone “prepare for the craziness”.

What is your favourite thing about Christmas?

I’m sure I should be saying things like “The joy of the Christmas spirit!” or “The twinkle in my children’s eyes!” or something like that…..but one of my favorite things about Christmas is so simple: I love dimming the lights in the house every evening and turning on the Christmas tree lights and my lighted garland. I love that glow from the lights! Put on some Christmas music in the background and I’m on cloud nine.

Last... what song do you love listening to over the holidays?

Three of my favs: Baby It’s Cold Outside, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, and All I Want For Christmas Is You. Although, it kills me that I like a Mariah Carey song. Don’t tell anyone or my reputation is ruined.

No, I don’t. I really, really, REALLY DO NOT envy your fashion sense.

Photo credit: Google

Why I will be asked to step aside when they hand out the 2009 Mother of the Year award.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:25:00 +0000

1. The boys and I were coloring with markers. Since it was 5pm, I naturally had out some happy hour snacks for us. Carter dipped his green marker in the guacamole.....and then stuck it in his mouth. And I didn't even attempt to stop him. That's just one of those things he has to learn the hard way.

2. We’ve only been on Christmas break for 2 days and I’ve already pretended to call Matthew’s teacher three times. “Hello Mrs. Smith? Yes, I’m so happy you picked up. I need to talk to you about Matthew….he does not seem to have his listening ears on today.” (Judge me all you want. It’s ok. But guess who suddenly finds his “listening ears” in an instant??? It works like a charm.)

3. We took the kids to Church on Sunday. Carter walked up with me and watched as I received holy communion. The priest then put his hands on Carter's head and gave him a blessing. Carter looked puzzled. As we started to walk away, I quickly figured out why he looked confused. Because he started shouting: "HEYYYYYYY! I GOT NOTHING!!!!" And tries to turn back to go yell directly at the priest for not giving him communion.

4. I walked into the pizza shop tonight and was greeted by the employees with a “Hiiiiii Mrs. McMommy!”

I was all: “Wha-what? How do you know my name? I don’t come here that often….”

And they were all: “Oh no! Of course not!”. And then rolled their eyes at me.

5. On second thought, I think I’ll stop here. I would put a number five (and six and seven and eight) but this list is just getting sad and pathetic.

The Big Reveal!

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 13:10:00 +0000

All my best ideas hit me right when I’m falling asleep.

I’m about to sail away into snoozeville, and suddenly BAM!!!!!

I get an idea.

And then I have to figure out how to make the idea come to life.

Fortunately for me? I know people. Good people. And they make my ideas a reality.

Amy from Doodlebug Dezigns is one of those amazing people. I told her my dream card and she designed it for me. I have no idea how she puts up with me, because I say things like “I want the card long. But not too long. But not short. Just like long-ish.”

And somehow? She waves a magic wand and makes everything PERFECT for me.

This year, I did not want a traditional Christmas card. In fact, I wanted the furthest thing possible from it. So traditionalists out there? You may want to turn away now.

What I did want was something modern and fresh!! But….with a little bit of a throwback to the old vintage postcards that look like this.

{See? Just look at those sentences right there. They make absolutely no sense. I wanted “modern” AND “vintage” ?!?!? I seriously have no idea how Amy puts up with me.}

And so…….

THIS is my card…..in all its modern-y, vintage-y glory:

(front) *photos taken by me on our weekend outings to the beach*

(back)

And because I know they must be chomping at the bit……..why yes, Florida Department of Tourism, we can talk about using this card in your marketing campaigns! But can you offer free beachside hotel stays to all my readers?

Brain Potpourri

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:05:00 +0000

~Paprika and I are chilling on the couch together. My boys are napping. My house is mostly clean. Dinner is taken care of. It looks dark and stormy out. Could there BE a better time to snuggle up to my laptop and write a post? It would be a blogging sin not to write a post right now.

~Yes, Paprika’s still around. I LOVE HER. She is as sweet as apple pie, you have no idea. All she wants is someone to pet her. Although McDaddy goes through a love-hate relationship with her….had something to do with the fact that she tried to go to the bathroom in the Man Room. Rika’s done her best to be as nice as possible to him to try and patch up their relationship. I think it’s working.

~I was going to show you my christmas card today. But then I realized…WAIT! Just because my local friends will have my card today…doesn’t mean my far away friends will have received theirs yet! And I’m nothing if not dramatic. I like the big “SURPRISE!!!!” of opening a holiday card envelope…not knowing what you will find inside. And why should I deny my far away friends that surprise??? (pssst…Dee, are you ready kill me yet or what? :)

~Someone get my hot chocolate ready: We are getting a cold front. A real one. The high is supposed to be 68 on Monday. Where’s my Snuggie?

~Speaking of Snuggies, I brought one to a white elephant holiday party last weekend. Do you know how awkward it is to actually purchase a Snuggie? To wait in the checkout line at the store with the Snuggie box in your hand? I saw the other people in line staring and snickering at me. I was all “I swear this is for a white elephant party!!! This is not for me!!” They were all “Sure, lady.”

~McChristmas music on Pandora has been getting lots of air time in this house. And you know what creeps me out? THIS part in Winter Wonderland:

“He’ll say: Are you married?

We’ll say: No man…But you can do the job when you’re in town!”

SERIOUSLY??? They put this in a Christmas song?!?! DOES ANYONE ELSE FIND THIS WEIRD?!!!

Soon. I promise. Like maybe tomorrow.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:36:00 +0000

You know, I totally would have written some fabulous, awesome, amusing, thought-provoking post for you today. Probably about something monumental. Like how to solve the healthcare crisis in the United States. With nipple cream. Something huge and newsworthy like that.

But instead I am stuffing, and sealing, and stamping my holiday cards as we speak. (speaking of, am I the only one who always thinks of George’s fiance Susan dying from licking the envelopes every time I lick an envelope?)

The good news? This means I get to share my christmas card with you reallyreallyreally soon.

Good luck trying to sleep tonight with THAT kind of excitement on the horizon.

In the meantime, send me YOUR holiday card! You can email it to me at McHoliday@live.com and you just may see it featured at my Holiday Card Spectacular! You can also browse the cards that have already been sent to me. Have fun!

Do You See What I See?

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 01:24:00 +0000

Matthew came home the other day with a precious picture he drew in school. It was the first time I had ever seen him draw a Christmas tree before…usually he only draws airplanes and blimps and helicopters.

So I made a big deal about it and said: “Matthew, this is the PRETTIEST Christmas tree EVER! Mommy loves it! I’m going to tape it to our cabinet door.”

My husband comes home later, notices the picture on the cabinet and says:

“Matthew drew a picture of boobs today at school? NICE.”

Seriously. Sometimes I think I live in a frat house.

Ordering more birth control as we SPEAK. I swear.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:06:00 +0000

When everyone asks: “Are you guys done having kids?” My answer is usually “yes.”

Only you can’t hear my reply because McDaddy is screaming “YES WE.ARE.DONE! NO MORE. FINISHED. FINITO. GAME OVER.”

And in case there was any misunderstanding? THAT’S RIGHT: NO MORE BABIES FOR US.

So to whoever created this shirt at CafePress.com?

YEAH, NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

But.

If I ever did get pregnant again…..WHICH I’M NOT!!!!!…..

I would totally order this shirt.

(Somewhere right now? My husband is having a complete panic attack.)

My Christmas Decorations.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 20:08:00 +0000

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year.

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house; she didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top She was not happy. I told her if it made her feel better, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. (It didn’t make her feel better.)

My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.

I think I made him too real this time...

So it was fun while it lasted!

(Not really the McHouse. I got this in an email. But funny, right?)

So today I went into a meeting at work. Many things went wrong.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:01:00 +0000

a.) I was late. So there was nowhere to sit but the back of the room.

b.) I forgot my piping hot cup of coffee upstairs at my desk.

c.) But nobody else forgot theirs. Oh noooo. And they all sat there, cuddling their cups and sipping their coffee and acting like it was the most delicious thing to ever exist on the planet.

d.) Someone who must have arrived on time brought bagels to the meeting. I was beyond starving of course. These bagels were positioned in the middle of the conference table, but I was late, remember? Which means I was seated allllllllll the way down at the other end of the table. The end that was about as far away from those bagels as you could get. And this meeting was an important meeting. I needed to concentrate on what was being said, not where the bagels were positioned. But all I could focus on was the bagels. And the cream cheese. And hating the people who remembered their coffee.

e.) And the girl in front of me? Took her heels off under the conference table. And was sitting there barefoot and doing weird stretching movements with her toes. BARF.

f.) And the guy next to me? Was devouring his nails like they were a scrumptious dessert. And I could HEAR him doing it. Ewwww.

g.) And that person over there? Um yeah. 1982 called. It wants its suit back.

h.) Ok, and that girl? The one who weighs all of 90 pounds soaking wet and has fabulous hair and a perfect manicure and I’ve yet to see her repeat an outfit in the 2 months that I’ve been here? I pretty much hate you. And want to rob your closet. And your shampoo.

As you can tell, it was quite a productive meeting for me.

Friday is our holiday party. I can hardly wait to see what blog fodder awaits.

I have no clue what to title this post.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 02:05:00 +0000

Reading this post is going to truly be a waste of your time.

Seriously, I’m just warning you. If you want to jump ship now, I don’t blame you. Because this post is going to be 2 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

My burning question is:

How do you display the holiday cards you receive? I mean, DO you even display them? I really want to display mine, but in a tasteful manner.

More classy than the year I just taped them to the wall, you know?

Google annoyed me because when I tried to see what other people do, I got images like this:

WHICH LOOKS JUST LIKE THE YEAR I TAPED IT TO MY WALL.

So help me out here….what do you do?

When a Commenter Inspires a Post.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:20:00 +0000

In my last post, I received a comment from Ann that said:
I had never heard of Pandora and I just might have become hooked in the past 10 minutes :)

{She was referring to #10 on my list of 38 reasons}

And it got me thinking…..what if there are more Anns out there who have never heard about Pandora????

GASP.

So I’ve made it my job today to share with you the joy that is Pandora.

Here’s a quick rundown of what you need to know about it:

Pandora is a website that allows you to create up to 100 radio stations…..all for free.

You simply put in the name of a song or artist that you like. Then Pandora creates a radio station for you based on that, filled with various artists/songs that are similar to your selection. You can “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” each song as they play….the more you do that, the more Pandora can better customize the station to your liking.

I have created several stations so far, but my three current favorites are: “McChristmas Radio” (I think it’s obvious what that is, right?), “Happy Hour Radio” (it’s 5pm and time to crack open a bottle of wine and cook), “McDaddy Radio” (fun music we both enjoy).

Okkkkkkk fine. And maybe some “Skid Row Radio” too.

And I love “Martini Radio” when I’m cooking on Sundays.

As you can see, I take my radio station creation abilities very seriously.

Pandora has recently made it easy to tweet or facebook about what song or station you are listening to. Which may make all my followers groan or roll their eyes at me. But secretly I know they are excited to learn that I’m listening to “Don’t Need Nothing But a Good Time” by Poison. And are all “I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT SONG! Thank you McMommy!!!!”

You are so welcome.

You can even make a station as a gift for a friend. You know, if you so desire.
Maybe to thank them for reminding you about good 80s hair band songs. What?

I’d venture to guess that Pandora does a million other things that are super cool, but I’m not smart enough to figure all those things out yet.

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy creating your own stations!

p.s. THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST. I just really love Pandora that much. And Ann. And her comment.
p.p.s. This whole “When a Commenter Inspires a Post” thing is fun. I think I will do it again with another commenter…

38 reasons.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:44:00 +0000

38 reasons I love my husband, on the occasion of his 38th birthday.

38. You stay far away from me when we sleep.

37. You, being a happy morning person, don’t mind that I’m totally NOT one.

36. Sometimes, out of the blue, you bring me my favorite coffee when I wake up.

35. You unknowingly wore your bow-tie upside down when we got married, which cracks me up every time I see a pic from our wedding.

34. You haven’t brought up the budget spreadsheet to me in the past of couple of weeks. Although I’m sure that day is coming soon now that I said that. Damn.

33. You pronounce “Chanel” as “channel”.

32. Out of everyone in the house, you contribute the least dirty laundry.

31. You agree there is only one choice: a REAL christmas tree.

30. You handle medical situations 1000 times better than I do.

29. With the exception of anything being done to ME. Then you want to pass out. (hello, remember when I got my epidural? And the time when I had to get stitches in my hand? The docs and nurses were more crowded around you than me.)

28. You love my family.

27. My family loves you.

26. You do an AWESOME Sean Connery-playing-Jeopardy impression (a la Saturday Night Live). I personally think it is even more hilarious than Darrell Hammond. Suck it, Trebek.

25. You let me shave your head that time. Which was AWESOMELY fun to do.

24. You don’t care if I put up the Christmas tree before your birthday. Which is just so ridiculous of me. Why can’t I just wait? Because waiting until December 1st just seems like fooooooooorever away.

23. Your brain and its infinite knowledge of all things technical makes my life so easy.

22. How much you support me in EVERYTHING I do. Or attempt.

21. How you never stress about the little things. Ever.

20. How sometimes, if all the stars are aligned, you kind of love Paprika.

19. Chinese food on Sunday nights.

18. We like to make fun of the exact same people.

17. Sometimes we wonder if those exact same people are making fun of us.

16. They probably are. Which cracks us up.

15. That time right after we tuck the kids into bed, and right before we go to bed….where we are both sitting on the couches with our laptops in glorious heavenly peace and quiet.

14. That time right after we both decide we are DONE with our laptops for the night…and we go to our room to watch The Biggest Loser…or The Office…or Lost or one of the other million tv shows I tivo.

13. How you won’t eat again after you brush your teeth for the night. That kills me but I love your willpower. Especially when I’m sitting next to you in bed with a bowl of Lucky Charms. I don’t know how you resist. They are magically delicious.

12. How you never blink an eye about taking care of the boys when I go out with my friends.

11. Sushi & wine on the front porch while the kids play with sidewalk chalk.

10. For introducing me to Pandora.

9. For all the times you gave ME the new car….and you took the old car. (One of these days, when we are rich, I’m totally buying you a very new, very expensive, very manly gadget-filled car and I promise not to take it from you.)

8. For not making me do the duathlon with you.

7. The way you look with your skater hat on. (or is it a ski cap? I don’t know. You know that hat though)

6. How I went out to girls night one time and you watched the boys. I thought you were going to feed them dinner and put them to bed. You had other ideas. You piled them in the car, drove over to the surf shop, and bought them skater hats to match yours.

5. It’s kind of cute that I’ve probably only ever heard you call by my real name maybe…oh…3?…4?…times in my life.

4. Coffee shorts. Enough said.

3. The fact that you don’t mind that I blog about you. And our kids. And our life. All the time.

2. How much you love that I love this blog.

1. How you never actually read this blog. (Seriously, this fact just cracks me up. I love that about you. And I’m willing to bet that I am going to have to forward you this post via email or else you might be 43 by the time you get around to reading it...)

She asked. I answered.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:18:00 +0000

I (along with two other bloggers who as you will see are way better at this stuff than I) was interviewed by Mrs. Lou Lou recently.

She asked.

I answered.

Pour yourself a cup of coffee and enjoy: The Interview

My book is coming out in paperback soon.

McMommy’s Holiday Card Spectacular!

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:13:00 +0000

Sometimes every bone in my body tells me to do something…..and I go the COMPLETE opposite way.

Like when my ~~hips~~ ~~arm flab~~ BONES say: “Don’t eat McDonalds again. Don’t eat McDonalds again. One time this week was enough.”

And then I pull through the drive-thru and revel in the hot fudge sundae with nuts, after I polish off the fries and icy cold coke.

So when every bone in my body said “Don’t do the Holiday Card Spectacular. You have soooooo much on your plate right now. You don’t even have time to update McMommywood anymore and this season of the Real Housewives of the OC is the best yet because everyone is broke! And Lynne’s about to get her face whacked off! And OMG the new housewife may look like she has it all but really her husband is a CONTROLLING $%*@ and I would rather put hot sticks in my eyes than be married to that! No really, you have to get serious and focus. On the Biggest Loser finale. DON’T DO THE HOLIDAY CARD SPECTACULAR!”

My immediate response was to create a new blog. For a bigger, better, even more fun McMommy Holiday Card Spectacular.

(Do you all remember this from last year? This is where I feature your holiday cards on my blog.)

I’m pretty sure I need to see a therapist at this point.

Becauseseriouslypeople!!! A whole new blog.

I’m going to fill it with my favorite holiday cards and photos that you email me.

And someone? Is going to win a $50 gift card to Doodlebug Dezigns that is good for an entire year. Just for sending me your card. Think about it--you can order birthday invites, birth announcements..or even..Holiday cards next year! NICE!

If you would like your card to be a part of the McMommy Holiday Card Spectacular, simply email your card to McHoliday@live.com

In the subject line, please put either your family name or the name of your blog. (whichever name you want to be published. Feel free to use a faux name if you want, doesn’t bother me!)

I loooooooooooved seeing all your cards last year! Can’t wait to see what you all have come up with for this year’s cards…email me and I’ll post some of my favorites each day on the McHoliday blog!

{Ok now really. Back to focusing. On the show I love to hate… “Million Dollar Listing”. I’m sure I won’t waste any time checking my inbox every five minutes, waiting for the first card to arrive. No, I wouldn’t do that. Except for maybe just once. Just to see. And then totally back to focusing. I swear.}

Places You Will Not Find Me Today.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

1.) Near a Best Buy, Brandsmart, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Wal-Mart, or Toys R Us.

2.) Near my skinny jeans.
3.) At work.
4.) Near that mountain of laundry in my dryer that needs to be folded and put away.
5.) Near a scale.

Where will you not be today?

Eat Up, Everyone!

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:33:00 +0000

Ok, so today we made the turkey cookies.

Just to refresh your memory, this is what the cookies were supposed to look like:

Annnnnnnnnd…….this is how most of our turkey cookies turned out:

Ummm yeah. So…..uh…..festive.

One of my most favorite thanksgivings ever.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:02:00 +0000

That’s my sister and I, three years ago.

I was 7 months pregnant. Or 13 months. What’s the difference, anyway? My scale couldn’t tell you.

I’m willing to bet $1 million dollars that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade was playing on the tv to the left of us.

My mom either took this picture or was in the kitchen stirring mashed potatoes and making the best gravy ever known to man. Probably all of the above.

My hand is bandaged up because I had just come back from having an ER doc pick poppy seeds out of a profusely bleeding gash in my hand. Yeah, I was the dumb one who sliced a bagel…while holding it in my hand. And the knife? Sllllllllllllllice. Right through the Everything bagel, into my hand.

I know you are looking at the title of my post right about now and wondering if I am a sick, sick girl.

Keep reading. I’m getting to my favorite part.

My favorite memory is right before this pic was taken. My hand hurt so, so bad. And even though it was my left hand, I was surprised to learn how many times a right-hander depends on their left hand in everyday tasks.

So my sister sat cross-legged on my bed with me. She did my hair. She helped stuff me into my dress. She did my makeup. And naturally, because this is my sister we are talking about, she cracked jokes the whole time, and made fun of my makeup saying things like “YOU USE A TOOTHBRUSH AS YOUR EYEBROW BRUSH?!”

And I had to defend myself and say “WHAT?! It wasn’t like a USED toothbrush! It was one of the ones the dentist gave out. Besides, it works really well!”

And the tears of laughter only got worse when she read my…ahem…eyebrow brush said “Dr. Smith” on it, with the ever so convenient phone number personalized right next to his name, so I could easily remember to schedule my follow up visits.

I’m pretty sure this means Sephora has me black-listed.

But my point in all of this?

Some of the best memories of a holiday can come from where you least expect it.

Like toothbrushes in your make up bag.

Attack of the Optimist.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:54:00 +0000

So my kids have the entire week off of school this week.

I'm kind of giddy with excitement. I think this is going to be lots of fun. It's totally not going to turn out like summer vacation did.

What? Why are you laughing? IT'S NOT! I SWEAR!

First of all, I've got fun crafts planned.
Like these turkey cookies we are going to make.

It's going to go along swimmingly, I'm sure!
And I'm definitely not worried about the fact that decorating the tail calls for candy corns....which were out by the gallons a month ago and now are nowhere to be seen. Um yeah. Not worried.

Another activity we are going to do? Watch the movie Home Alone! I've been waiting until I thought Matthew was old enough to "get" the humor...now I'm sure he's going to get a complete kick out of that movie! Carter, on the other hand? Yeah, he may get some ideas from that movie. I'll deal with his antics later.

Another movie I'm looking forward to watching with the kids? Elf.
It's become a Thanksgiving tradition (uhhh...since last year. Quite a long tradition, I know.) to watch Elf on Thanksgiving night. And this year while we are watching it, I'm going to make hot chocolate for the kids and egg nog for McDaddy and I.
Only I don't like egg nog. So ~~more~~ wine for me.

And you know who arrives after the kids go to bed on Thanksgiving, right?
Yes, our loveable yet creepy-looking ELFY!!!
My kids are already besides themselves with excitement over Elfy's impending arrival. This is hands down the best Christmas tradition we've ever started.

Although, the more wine thing for me on Thanksgiving night will be a good tradition too.

p.s. I have no affiliation with Elf on the Shelf. I just really like it, ok?
p.p.s. But I am doing a giveaway for an Elfing Around Elf on my giveaway blog. But it is a different company than Elf on a Shelf. So does that count as an affiliation, FTC? I hope not.
p.p.p.s. Ok, so now you've got me all nervous, FTC. I feel I must also disclose that I am not affiliated with the movie Elf, the movie Home Alone, the holiday "Thanksgiving", the makers of "egg nog" and/or perhaps most sadly...I am not affiliated with any wine companies.

Every Mother Outta Have One.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:39:00 +0000

After these pics were taken, Carter wouldn't leave Buzz Lightyear.

I thought "How cute! He loves Buzz so much!" and gave him a gentle prodding to move along, saying it was the next child's turn.

He told me "No."

I told him "Yes, our turn is over. Let's go."

He told me no, he wasn't leaving...until Buzz gave him a toy.

{Even Buzz's plastic jaw dropped at this point.}

I did one of those awkward nervous laughs and told him come on silly, Buzz isn't Santa.

His reply? "I KNOW." Thoroughly annoyed.

Then he told Buzz "BAD SHARING!" and stomped off while all the other parents waiting in line looked on, horrified.
.

Seriously, this is my life with this child.

Rubber Band Friends.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:14:00 +0000

I hate to write posts like these. I don't want to write posts like these.

But I think it's pretty evident that I use my blog as my outlet. And so, posts like these need to be written by me once in awhile so I can just clear my head.

Because a childhood friend of mine died this week. Unexpectedly.
Because at 31 years old, that's usually how you die, right? Unexpectedly.

When I found out the news, I was upset. There was a big part of me that almost didn't believe it. But today, his obituary was in the paper. And that made it real.
And whoever wrote it did a beautiful job of remembering a life gone too soon.

I originally got the word of his death from another one of my closest friends. And the phone call from another. And emails were going back and forth. And so on and so forth.

Because that's how it is with us. Careers, and spouses and families and new babies and new friends and just life in general pulls us all in 10 million different directions but all it takes is one thing and we are instantly back together like the snap of a rubber band. Instantly.

We've all known each other since 1st grade. They are my core.
There is an awesome history there....a history of math classes with lollipops and English classes where you could lose your bathroom privileges; a history of school dances and sleepovers....of boat rides and pool parties. A history of country fairs and school performances. And inside jokes.

Yellow, yellow, BLUE. (Ah-ha! I got you.)
Yellow, yellow, RED. (You may be seated.)

Sorry. I know that wasn't funny to you.
But somewhere right now, my friends are laughing. I guarantee you.

And any one of us could launch into a song right now that alphabetizes the 50 states.
Or tell you how mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.
Or how this train is bound for glory.
We could. It's been almost 25 years but we totally could. I'd bet the house on it.

Today, Matthew had a Thanksgiving music performance at school.
And as I sat there watching him, I just flash backed to all those years in my life at my old school.
How lucky I was that my parents sacrificed and worked hard to put me through that school.
The education was excellent.
But the memories?
The friendships?

Those are lifelong.

However long....or short...our lives might be.

Why Is The Whole McFamily So Happy In This Picture?

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:03:00 +0000

a.) The McFamily--on a total whim--decided to go to the Happiest Place on Earth this weekend.

b.) The McFamily had just devoured a delicious dinner of sushi and steak prior to this photo being taken.

c.) McMommy and McDaddy enjoyed multiple glasses of wine prior to this photo being taken.

d.) The McKids enjoyed huge, cotton candy, m&m, hot fudge, Mickey Mouse sprinkles, waffle cone ice cream sundaes before, during, and after this photo.

e.) Shortly after this pic was taken, McMommy and McDaddy....happy on multiple glasses of vino that the well-behaved kids let them enjoy.... threw bedtime out the window and instead told the kiddos: "Let's hop on the monorail and go back into the Magic Kingdom and ride incredibly fun rides until midnight!" thereby crowning themselves the most fun and spontaneous parents that ever lived on the face of this earth.

f.) McMommy and McDaddy just realized that this was the first trip they've been on where they did not have to bring any sippy cups, diapers, wipes, or diaper bags!!!

f.) ALL OF THE GLORIOUS ABOVE.

Brain Potpourri

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:21:00 +0000

1. I bought Milano cookies the other day, completely excited to tear into the bag. I haven't had Milanos in FOREVER. I poured a glass of milk, dove into the bag, took that first bite.....and.....meh. So I had one more just to make sure.
Still meh.
Did you change the recipe on me, Pepperidge Farms? Because I think you did. Those cookies used to be mouth-watering-cannot stop-must eat the whole bag-type of cookies. What a disappointment.

2. I don't want you all to hate me but my christmas cards are FINISHED.
Like finished finished.
Like I have them in my hand and can't stop staring at them finished.
And ohhhhhhhhhhhh.....they are AWESOME!!!
You know I will share it with you eventually. I can't keep this type of fabulosity to myself.
{what? Is that bragging? Sorry. But I'm in love with my card this year. Amy from Doodlebug Dezigns once again made my vision a reality!! This year's card is the most original card I have ever done.}

3. Paprika's hideous collar is gone. I have no clue who removed it. But Rika is SO much happier without it. It was like she practically skipped to my back door to show me her newfound freedom from the fashion crime that was that dumb bandanna/collar.

4. Can someone please tell me why my skin has been breaking out like a teenager lately? Is this what my 30s is bringing me?!

5. I forgot how wonderful baking pumpkin bread makes the house smell. Now if only we could get weather below 80 degrees and then it would really start to feel like fall.

6. You know the famous quote about the two things in life you can be certain of? {Death and taxes} Well, whoever said that forgot the third thing in life that you can always be certain of:

Because it is without a doubt, GUARANTEED, that when you go to run just one quick errand....dressed in terrible, mismatched clothes and without a stitch of makeup on....and you say to yourself "I'll be quick. I doubt I'll run into anyone.".......YOU WILL.

And it will be someone you haven't seen in a LONG time.
And there is nowhere to hide.
She will run smack into you, in all your mismatched, makeup-less, 30s zit-fest glory.

Damnit. I hate it when that happens.

Working To Death.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:12:00 +0000

I think it's hilarious when people ask me "How's work going?" with a sympathetic tone in their voice. Like "Oh poor you." As if they feel sorry for me.

They can spare me their pity. Because honestly? WORK IS AWESOME! I'm loving it. Going to work is completely enjoyable for me. It's a great source of fulfillment in my life at the moment.

But if there is one thing that bothers me about work?

The elevator.

People, this thing is CRAZY.

First of all, every time you press the button to call it, there are horrendous creaking and moaning noises that sound like someone is beating the Tin Man to a vicious death with his own oil can.

Secondly? The doors are 100% evil.
They don't give a care if you are trying to hold the elevator for someone.
Those doors will just SLAM close...trying to chop off your arm in the process.
Either the sensor is defective or else it was a casualty of the Tin Man beating. I'm not sure.

So once I make it inside the elevator with all my appendages still attached, I always have to tell myself: "Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look up."

Because all I can think about it is how much the top of the elevator looks like the elevator scene in Silence of the Lambs.

And you KNOW that scene in Silence of the Lambs.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

(Yeah, that scene. I'd insert a picture for you but I'm afraid to google that image. I won't sleep for a week.)

So I'm thinking that's how I should answer people's pity-filled question of "How is work going?"

Me: "Well, it's going great, Beth! As long as I don't have to take the Elevator of Death. I just pray the whole time that he won't eat my liver with a side of fava beans and nice chianti, you know?"

The Two Best Baby Gifts Ever.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:14:00 +0000

My friend is having her first baby tomorrow morning.
I called her today to wish her luck and asked how she was feeling today. She told me she was doing laundry, getting a manicure/pedicure, and doing some last minute things in the nursery.

In my head?

I just wanted to scream into the phone: "STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING AND JUST GO TO BED. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!!! Sleep like it is the last sleep you will ever get in your life. TRUST ME ON THIS!"

But of course I would never actually say that to an "about-to-be-a-first-time-mom-tomorrow morning" friend. It's like the unwritten rule of motherhood: You do not make any mention of the hurricane that is about to make landfall on their life tomorrow.

And I don't care what you all say. That little 7lb bundle is totally a hurricane disguised in a cute hat and hospital swaddling blanket.

So while we are on the topic of babies today......

Remember when I did my Best Wedding Gift post? The best registry and non-registry gifts you could ever give?

Well, here's McMommy's recommendations for best baby gifts!

Best Registry Item: The video monitor

I know what you are thinking. Why do they need a video screen to stare at their kid sleeping? OH NO. Trust me. This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Because guess what?

That baby turns into a 12 month old THAT SITS IN HIS CRIB WHEN HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING AND PEELS THE BORDER OFF THE WALL.

Go ahead. Just ask me how I know that.

And as your friend is sitting there in the next room, she cocks her head to the side and says: "Hmmm. That's a strange sound. Almost like a scraping noise. But I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to walk in there and WAKE THE BABY."

Because that becomes the whole goal of your friend's existence: DON'T WAKE THE BABY.

{Upon walking in to a million pieces of torn wallpaper border, our video monitor was purchased shortly thereafter. It has since been used on trips, to monitor timeouts, to monitor transitions into big boy beds, etc. You will be a hero to your friend if you purchase her a video monitor, I promise.}

Best Non-Registry Gift: Friends who bring you DINNER

This has got to be one of the greatest gifts EVER. I like to call it "Dinner For the Weary". Because let's all be honest here.....new parents will forget how they ever functioned in society. Basic survival skills such as eating, showering, and sleeping will be just a distant memory for them.

Heck, I remember crying one night because my mom came over to make us hamburgers for dinner.
FULL ON SOBBING TEARS OF APPRECIATION FOR HAMBURGER MEAT, PEOPLE!
I had no clue how monumental it would be to eat a warm meal....how thankful I would be for someone just helping me to function that first week.

If your friend lives nearby, you can make it and drop it off to them.
Or if they live out of state, I've ordered a Honey Baked Ham small dinner online to be delivered to them. Either way, you can't go wrong.

But whether you get her something from the registry or not, do you know what is the other best gift you can give a new mom?

Tell her absolutely, under no circumstance, should she write you a thank you note for (insert name of gift you got her here).

Her little "I haven't slept in 8 days" eyes will start welling up with tears at the thought of writing one less thank you note, I'm promising you.

Because there is no greater mountain to climb than the stack of thank you cards you must write for all the baby gifts you've received.....and you haven't slept or showered or essentially functioned as a member of society since....well....you can't really remember when.....

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:59:00 +0000

PAPRIKA JUST SHOWED UP AT MY BACK DOOR WITH THIS HIDEOUS THING ON:((GASP!!))))

Does this mean she is someone else's cat????!!!

THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

Now what am I supposed to do? Double Stuff Oreo LOVES our family! And my family loves her! She hangs out all day long on our front porch, under our patio table, on the mat by the back door. She sits on my lap in the evening and purrs up a storm. The first thing my kids do when they wake up in the morning is run to the door to see if little Sprinkles is sitting there. SERIOUSLY, NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

p.s. Call me bitter, but that collar/bandanna is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. Poor 'Rika is mortified that she had to make her McMommy Chronicles debut wearing that.