The McMommy Chronicles

Brain Potpourri

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:21:00 +0000

1. I bought Milano cookies the other day, completely excited to tear into the bag. I haven't had Milanos in FOREVER. I poured a glass of milk, dove into the bag, took that first bite.....and.....meh. So I had one more just to make sure.
Still meh.
Did you change the recipe on me, Pepperidge Farms? Because I think you did. Those cookies used to be mouth-watering-cannot stop-must eat the whole bag-type of cookies. What a disappointment.

2. I don't want you all to hate me but my christmas cards are FINISHED.
Like finished finished.
Like I have them in my hand and can't stop staring at them finished.
And ohhhhhhhhhhhh.....they are AWESOME!!!
You know I will share it with you eventually. I can't keep this type of fabulosity to myself.
{what? Is that bragging? Sorry. But I'm in love with my card this year. Amy from Doodlebug Dezigns once again made my vision a reality!! This year's card is the most original card I have ever done.}

3. Paprika's hideous collar is gone. I have no clue who removed it. But Rika is SO much happier without it. It was like she practically skipped to my back door to show me her newfound freedom from the fashion crime that was that dumb bandanna/collar.

4. Can someone please tell me why my skin has been breaking out like a teenager lately? Is this what my 30s is bringing me?!

5. I forgot how wonderful baking pumpkin bread makes the house smell. Now if only we could get weather below 80 degrees and then it would really start to feel like fall.

6. You know the famous quote about the two things in life you can be certain of? {Death and taxes} Well, whoever said that forgot the third thing in life that you can always be certain of:

Because it is without a doubt, GUARANTEED, that when you go to run just one quick errand....dressed in terrible, mismatched clothes and without a stitch of makeup on....and you say to yourself "I'll be quick. I doubt I'll run into anyone.".......YOU WILL.

And it will be someone you haven't seen in a LONG time.
And there is nowhere to hide.
She will run smack into you, in all your mismatched, makeup-less, 30s zit-fest glory.

Damnit. I hate it when that happens.

Working To Death.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:12:00 +0000

I think it's hilarious when people ask me "How's work going?" with a sympathetic tone in their voice. Like "Oh poor you." As if they feel sorry for me.

They can spare me their pity. Because honestly? WORK IS AWESOME! I'm loving it. Going to work is completely enjoyable for me. It's a great source of fulfillment in my life at the moment.

But if there is one thing that bothers me about work?

The elevator.

People, this thing is CRAZY.

First of all, every time you press the button to call it, there are horrendous creaking and moaning noises that sound like someone is beating the Tin Man to a vicious death with his own oil can.

Secondly? The doors are 100% evil.
They don't give a care if you are trying to hold the elevator for someone.
Those doors will just SLAM close...trying to chop off your arm in the process.
Either the sensor is defective or else it was a casualty of the Tin Man beating. I'm not sure.

So once I make it inside the elevator with all my appendages still attached, I always have to tell myself: "Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look up."

Because all I can think about it is how much the top of the elevator looks like the elevator scene in Silence of the Lambs.

And you KNOW that scene in Silence of the Lambs.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

(Yeah, that scene. I'd insert a picture for you but I'm afraid to google that image. I won't sleep for a week.)

So I'm thinking that's how I should answer people's pity-filled question of "How is work going?"

Me: "Well, it's going great, Beth! As long as I don't have to take the Elevator of Death. I just pray the whole time that he won't eat my liver with a side of fava beans and nice chianti, you know?"

The Two Best Baby Gifts Ever.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:14:00 +0000

My friend is having her first baby tomorrow morning.
I called her today to wish her luck and asked how she was feeling today. She told me she was doing laundry, getting a manicure/pedicure, and doing some last minute things in the nursery.

In my head?

I just wanted to scream into the phone: "STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING AND JUST GO TO BED. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!!! Sleep like it is the last sleep you will ever get in your life. TRUST ME ON THIS!"

But of course I would never actually say that to an "about-to-be-a-first-time-mom-tomorrow morning" friend. It's like the unwritten rule of motherhood: You do not make any mention of the hurricane that is about to make landfall on their life tomorrow.

And I don't care what you all say. That little 7lb bundle is totally a hurricane disguised in a cute hat and hospital swaddling blanket.

So while we are on the topic of babies today......

Remember when I did my Best Wedding Gift post? The best registry and non-registry gifts you could ever give?

Well, here's McMommy's recommendations for best baby gifts!

Best Registry Item: The video monitor

I know what you are thinking. Why do they need a video screen to stare at their kid sleeping? OH NO. Trust me. This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Because guess what?

That baby turns into a 12 month old THAT SITS IN HIS CRIB WHEN HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING AND PEELS THE BORDER OFF THE WALL.

Go ahead. Just ask me how I know that.

And as your friend is sitting there in the next room, she cocks her head to the side and says: "Hmmm. That's a strange sound. Almost like a scraping noise. But I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to walk in there and WAKE THE BABY."

Because that becomes the whole goal of your friend's existence: DON'T WAKE THE BABY.

{Upon walking in to a million pieces of torn wallpaper border, our video monitor was purchased shortly thereafter. It has since been used on trips, to monitor timeouts, to monitor transitions into big boy beds, etc. You will be a hero to your friend if you purchase her a video monitor, I promise.}

Best Non-Registry Gift: Friends who bring you DINNER

This has got to be one of the greatest gifts EVER. I like to call it "Dinner For the Weary". Because let's all be honest here.....new parents will forget how they ever functioned in society. Basic survival skills such as eating, showering, and sleeping will be just a distant memory for them.

Heck, I remember crying one night because my mom came over to make us hamburgers for dinner.
FULL ON SOBBING TEARS OF APPRECIATION FOR HAMBURGER MEAT, PEOPLE!
I had no clue how monumental it would be to eat a warm meal....how thankful I would be for someone just helping me to function that first week.

If your friend lives nearby, you can make it and drop it off to them.
Or if they live out of state, I've ordered a Honey Baked Ham small dinner online to be delivered to them. Either way, you can't go wrong.

But whether you get her something from the registry or not, do you know what is the other best gift you can give a new mom?

Tell her absolutely, under no circumstance, should she write you a thank you note for (insert name of gift you got her here).

Her little "I haven't slept in 8 days" eyes will start welling up with tears at the thought of writing one less thank you note, I'm promising you.

Because there is no greater mountain to climb than the stack of thank you cards you must write for all the baby gifts you've received.....and you haven't slept or showered or essentially functioned as a member of society since....well....you can't really remember when.....

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:59:00 +0000

PAPRIKA JUST SHOWED UP AT MY BACK DOOR WITH THIS HIDEOUS THING ON:((GASP!!))))

Does this mean she is someone else's cat????!!!

THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

Now what am I supposed to do? Double Stuff Oreo LOVES our family! And my family loves her! She hangs out all day long on our front porch, under our patio table, on the mat by the back door. She sits on my lap in the evening and purrs up a storm. The first thing my kids do when they wake up in the morning is run to the door to see if little Sprinkles is sitting there. SERIOUSLY, NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

p.s. Call me bitter, but that collar/bandanna is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. Poor 'Rika is mortified that she had to make her McMommy Chronicles debut wearing that.

My Halloween Costume(s).

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:30:00 +0000

Look, I'm just going to say it:

I'm giving myself an "B" and "F" on my halloween costumes this year.

Sigh. I know. You were expecting more of me, right?

Let me break it down for you.

I'm one of those who likes for the family to coordinate their Halloween costumes.

Like last year....when we were all different versions of Super Heroes.
{This is where I should insert a picture of us from last Halloween, all dressed as superheroes. But that would mean such a picture exists. It doesn't. I'm just full of disappointment today, aren't I?}

This year, there was no coordination whatsoever. McDaddy and Carter wanted to be skeletons. And Matthew wanted to be Super Mario. And so I jumped ship and aligned myself with my friend's family.

Our costume theme idea gets an "A" for being awesome and fun:
My friend was Alice in Wonderland.
Her 1 year old was the Cheshire Cat.
And I would be The Queen of Hearts.

My friend and her daughter pulled it off perfectly and were beyond adorable.

Me, on the other hand? Had major costume malfunctions.

First of all, my costume top was too big so the choices were:

a.) Get a boob job.

b.)Pin and tuck and tie and mcguyver this thing on me.

After weighing my options and checking my bank account, I chose "B".

Which of course ended up making the top look all wonky and ill-fitting.

Oh wait, that's right.

IT WAS WONKY AND ILL-FITTING.

And the dumb collar? NEVER STAYED UP!
And the crown? DID NOT FIT ON MY FAT HEAD!

And the elbow-length black gloves? KEPT FALLING DOWN!

Major costume failure. Hence the "A" for the idea but "F" for actual implementation.

However, my second Halloween costume?

Rocked the casbah.

We wore this to a Halloween party last week.

Let's talk about all the reasons I love this costume.....

a.) It took me literally TWO SECONDS to get ready.

b.) THE WHOLE FAMILY COORDINATES!!! (even Matthew who was not in this pic was a pilot!)

c.) I didn't need to get a boob job to wear it.

The $1000 costume.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 18:52:00 +0000

Super Mario.

It is the simplest costume in the world, right?

Overalls. Red shirt. Red cap. Moustache. Easy.

So naturally, I was all "Ha! I can put that together. I'm not paying $50 for that halloween superstore version! I can make that costume EASY!"

Which was obviously the dumbest thing I've ever said.
Because it took blood, sweat, tears and over 2 months for me to put that costume together.

To be fair, the red cap, gloves, moustache and red shirt were all relatively easy to get.

But do you realize how difficult it is to find overalls here in Florida?! I've never seen anyone over the age of 6 months wearing them.

And apparently, everyone in the whole wide WORLD suddenly had a deep desire to purchase size 6 jean overalls on Ebay.

I was outbid on like 100 different auctions.

Heck, I was even outbid on auctions where I didn't even LIKE the overalls...I just wanted to WIN ONE PLEASEFORTHELOVEOFSUPERMARIOBROTHERS!!!

McDaddy came to ignore my screaming every evening as I cursed at those driving up the bid price because they were willing to pay $40 for used Gap or Old Navy or even No Name brand overalls. USED!!!

I wouldn't pay $40 for overalls even if they were brand new, people!!

And yet I continued to bid.

And?

I may have twittered something to effect of "I hate all of you bidding on size 6 denim overalls."

Which Coco may have read.

Because like a fairy godmother, I get an email from Coco with a picture of size 6 denim overalls. She stopped in a consignment shop and found them!!!

I replied: "I WILL PAY $1000 FOR THOSE OVERALLS!! DON'T LET ANYONE NEAR THEM!! GUARD THEM WITH YOUR LIFE!! THEY ARE THE LAST PAIR LEFT ON THIS PLANET!!!"

I frantically called the store, paid for them, and then paid an amount-I-will-not-write-here-because-my-husband-sometimes-reads-my-blog to have them shipped to me.

The costume was complete. Angels could be heard rejoicing.

Matthew tried it on and loved it. He wore it all around the house. I even drew a little moustache on with my eyeliner because he didn't want to mess up the fake moustache he would wear on Halloween.

If there was a picture that illustrated how I was feeling at that moment, it would look like this:

VICTORY WAS MINE.

So Halloween arrives....and it's time to put on the costume.....and...

Do you know what my son says to me?

"I don't feel like wearing that."

Oh ha ha! Oh, you're funny, Honeysweetiepreciouspumpkinbear! Ok, put on your costume now.

"No, I don't like it anymore."

I'm sorry, what? It sounded like you said you don't like it, but I must be delirious from all this halloween excitement because THIS IS YOUR COSTUME. YOU WILL WEAR IT. YOU WILL LIKE IT. MOMMY SCOURED THE ENTIRE EARTH FOR OVERALLS. MOMMY PAID RIDICULOUS POSTAGE TO HAVE OVERALLS SHIPPED TO US IN TIME FOR TONIGHT. YOU WILL WEAR THEM.

"I'M NOT WEARING IT."

And do you know what he picks out to wear?

A Halloween shirt that has been sitting in his closet for the past 2 years THAT DOESN'T EVEN FIT HIM ANYMORE.

FINE. Wear whatever you want, Matthew.

But I'll tell you one thing: DO NOT expect me to share my thousands of dollars with you that I'm going to make when I put your overalls on Ebay tomorrow.

Next post: My Halloween Party! Stay tuned.....

Dear Kitten Who Appeared on our Doorstep,

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:11:00 +0000

Hmmmm.....how do I say this?

McDaddy and I are not "pet" people.

Don't get me wrong....we think they are cute and all, but honestly, we can't handle that kind of responsibility. We already have a hard enough time deciding which one of us is going to bathe the kids each night.

And so, naturally, when you--a kitten-ish cat-- appeared at our back door on Matthew's birthday.....we were all "He's cute! BUT DO NOT FEED HIM!"

And you meowed.

And we were all "Go away! We have no food!"

And you just gave us the world's most pathetic look.

And then somehow, I found myself in the kitchen putting together a small plate of pulled pork for the darn thing.

Paprika, do you realize how FAST you scarfed that thing down?!

{OK, SO I NAMED HER, ALRIGHT?! But she is NOT staying. She was just a little hungry and what was I supposed to do? Let her STARVE? I do have a heart for crying out loud!
So I just fed her once.
Ok, twice.
She loves ground beef.
And cut up chicken with a little broth.
Actually, she loves anything I make for her.
She really appreciates my cooking, I can tell.}

And as I tried to explain to you before, Pepper {Matthew's name for her}, you totally found the wrong family.

And the ONLY reason I even bought you the little can of Seafood Delight cat food at the grocery store the other day is because I turned down the wrong aisle and suddenly found myself in front of the cans of food. Seriously, Rika. That's the only reason.

And just because McDaddy named you Burrito does not mean you have wormed your way into his heart. I have no idea why he carried you from our front door, through our house, and out to the backyard last night, just so you could keep him company while he grilled.

~~Paprika~~ ~~Pepper~~ ~~Burrito~~ ~~Buttons~~ ~~Patches~~ McCAT, we are NOT PET PEOPLE!!

When Banks Dash Your Dreams.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

There were a lot of things running through my mind when I opened the envelope and saw this:

a.) How in the world does Bank of America know that TODAY IS MY 7TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY???

b.) What in the world do they want to talk to me about?!

c.) Hmmm...I wonder if someone at Bank of America reads my blog?!?! Maybe a longtime reader....someone who read this post last year and sweetly remembered??? And now they want me to call them so they can wish us a Happy Anniversary?

d.) OMG. What if McDaddy bought me something huge this year??? Like really, really, realllllllllllllly huge? And he had to take out a loan with Bank of America to pay for it?!?! OMG! I'll kill him for spending so much money! But I wonder what it is? Hmmm...maybe I'll see what it is first before I kill him for spending so much money on me. Oh, am I the luckiest girl in the world or what?? He just loves me that much....he obviously wanted to show a token of his affection....it has been 7 years after all....the 7 best years of his life, of course....but still....there is nothing wrong with just seeing what it is. Then I'll return it, of course. Yes, that's exactly what I'll do.

I couldn't resist and went up to McDaddy and showed him the Anniversary note and smiled knowingly.....his secret was up.

He look at me weird. Obviously trying to play it off.

Me: "Come onnnnnn.....what did you do this year? How would Bank of America know it's our anniversary? You can tell me and I swear I will still act surprised when I open the gift!! I will! "

Him: "What are you even talking about??? They sent that because we bought our house in October. They send one of those every October. But feel free to call them if you want to discuss a 'complimentary home loan checkup'."

Stupid banks.

Wrapping up the wrap up.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:30:00 +0000

{this post is a continuation of my "tying up loose ends" series}

2.) My halloween costume ideas

Remember my super awesome halloween costume ideas? And how my husband wasn't impressed? Well, I decided to tell you guys my super awesome ideas because maybe someone out there is still looking for an idea...super awesome halloween costume ideas, that is.

Idea#1: Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf
Ok, how insanely cute would this have been?! Target had an awesome wolf costume. And my costume would have ROCKED. I so wanted to wear the little red cape with the hood. Oh, and carry a little basket....with tiny wine bottles inside.

Idea #2: Kanye West and Taylor Swift!
I wanted to wear a pretty gown and carry around a statue award thing and everytime I went to speak, I wanted Kanye {aka mcdaddy} to interrupt me. It would have been ORIGINAL and brilliant and super awesome. But apparently, my husband doesn't like super awesome ideas. What a buzzkill.

So what did I end up deciding to be? Can't tell. You'll have to wait for the pictures.

3.) I scream, You scream, we all scream for.....I-snacks!!

I just wanted to let you know.....thanks to your ideas and some more googling.....I came up with five "I" snacks for Matthew's class:

~Italian bread with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"

~Italian ices

~Iced animal crackers

~ I crackers (ok, so they aren't necessarily "I", but definitely have the same shape!)

~Ice cream cups

I know these aren't the healthiest snacks out there, but cut me some slack....I HAVE THE LETTER "I"!!!!!!

4.) My sister's wedding planning...
Is hysterical. She is very laidback....and loves to send my mom emails asking things like "Mom, in your opinion, what kind of dress would look good standing next to a Elvis priest?" Which just cracks me up because if you know my mom, saying those kinds of things will give her ten heart attacks. Mainly because....if you know my sister....she just might be serious.

Her engagement party was a few weekends ago and I swear it took me THE WHOLE DAY to get ready. I got a manicure, a pedicure, got my hair cut, eyebrows waxed, new dress.....I mean, seriously? Me at 7pm that night was as cleaned up and put together as I could ever get.

And then like straight out of an Alanis Morrisette song....the next day, I am looking through my pictures...and every single one is blurry.
It was as if Good As Gets McMommy never existed.
I wandered around the house blubbering "BUT IT TOOK ME THE WHOLE DAY!!!!"
All I wanted was one pic of my husband and I from that night.
And then miraculously?

You know what? I'LL TAKE IT.

A Thank You...

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 12:01:00 +0000

We took our airplane-adoring son to go see a B-17 Bomber at our local airport a few weekends ago.

I noticed an older gentleman standing next to me, taking in the awesome sight of this enormous plane. In one hand, he held onto his cane. In his other hand, he held onto pictures and some old newspaper clippings.

I forgot how we struck up a conversation, but we did. As it turned out, he flew the B-17 bomber in over 20 missions during the war. He showed us his pictures and old newspaper articles of him at 23 years old standing with his fellow servicemen.

He said "I regret that I forgot my camera today."

I offered to take some pictures of the plane for him and would mail them to him. He brightened and said "Would you really? I'd appreciate that!"

I asked him to stand by the plane, but he said "No, no. I'm not important. Just the plane."

So I took a few more pictures of the plane....and then asked him once more if he wouldn't mind standing by the plane so I could take his picture.

This time, he said yes.

I mailed him the pictures along with a note thanking him for sharing his stories with me.

Last week, in the mail, I received a little envelope with shaky handwriting. It said:

Dear Mrs. Mcmommy,

Thank you for the photos you sent me. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

They brought back memories and I could relive the past. It was another time. We fought wars so that there might not be any more. But it seems that the world is still in bad shape.

Hoping for a peaceful future.

Best wishes,

David

This post is a thank you....to David....to all the men and woman out there serving our country....and to all the families of those serving (I know a few of you who read this blog!). You are appreciated more than words....or pictures...can express.

Tying Up Some Loose Ends...

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:41:00 +0000

I feel like I always start stories here.....and never give you updates as to what ending up happening.

So today, I'm going to do a little wrap-up. If I miss anything, that you've been wondering about...leave it for me in the comments so I can answer it for you.

I'm going to start the updates off with...

My Front Loader washing machine update:

Remember all my problems with this thing? The mold? The "LE" error codes all the time? Well, the dumb thing finally broke completely. It wouldn't even turn on. The repair guy told me "In all my years, I've never seen a 4 year old motor have to be replaced." Yeah well, welcome to my ~~LG nightmare~~ laundry room, repair guy.

Since it was under 7 years old, the motor was covered under warranty. But after he replaced the motor and turned it on, the computer thingy fried. And then some other part went wonky too. I'm not going to bore you with more details......just think of the most annoying thing ever and increase it by 1000. For ten days straight.
Because that's how long I had no washing machine for.

Needless to say, the washer works again. As for the mold....it's GONE! Really, it is! Here is what I am doing:

{And fyi, I was NOT contacted by any of these companies I am about to mention....I simply bought a bunch of products myself and these were the ones I was most happy with. }

I used the Tide Washing Machine cleaner packets for 3 weeks straight (one a week for 3 weeks) to remove the original disgusting mold build-up. Now I do one packet per month for upkeep.

I use a scoop of Oxiclean in every load. I read somewhere online that the junk in Oxiclean helps tremendously with mold....and I found that to be true. So now I use a scoop religiously with every load.

I also now run at least one load of white towels with bleach once a month. (I hardly ever used bleach before as I was scared I would ruin something.) At least one bleach cycle per month is part of my anti-mold plan, and I think it is helping.

I also pull out the detergent dispenser EVERY SINGLE TIME to let it air dry. It creates extra work and is not fun, but then again, this wasn't either. It definitely helps as you should see how much water and leftover laundry softener gets trapped in there. Gross. A pure breeding ground for mold and mildew.

I also installed a child lock on our laundry room door so I could leave the washing machine door open. I keep the door shut to our laundry room, but leave the washing machine door open. I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS. It makes me angry that I have to do this. I don't think it is safe to leave an appliance door open with my small, curious kids in the house and I think LG should think long and hard about recommending that their customers do this. It's just not smart. I could easily see Carter climbing in and Matthew closing the door. So now we have a child lock on the laundry room door to provide some safety precautions while leaving the door open to dry.

The funny part? A couple days ago I got a survey in the mail from LG asking me how likely I was to recommend my washing machine to a friend. HAHAHAHA!!! Oh the comedy!!! Once I stop laughing, I'll give them a link to my blog and all the posts I dedicated to them.

And so there you have it, folks. You are now all up to date on our front-loader!

{SHOOT. I totally did not mean for this to turn into another washing machine post!! It was just supposed to be a short update...not an entire post! Ok, part two of my "Tying Up Some Loose Ends" will come soon....and in it I will reveal what my super awesome halloween costume idea was...}

The "F" Word

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:51:00 +0000

Remember Matthew's class and their alphabetical snacks?

Well, he's learning about the letter "F" this week. And today he came home with a handout from the teacher that I absentmindedly read out loud while going through his folder after dinner:

"Today we made a FRUIT FLOAT!
We saw FIZZ when we mixed our rainbow sherbet,
hawaiian punch, and ginger ale.
We are having a FUN "F" week!"

To which my husband spins around and says: "WHAT? We are having a fun 'effin week?! She really said that??? What the heck are they teaching these kids at that school?!"

I about died laughing.

I love Kansas, and people named Jess, and every single one of my blog readers.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:57:00 +0000

I'm standing here in the kitchen, making eggs and toast, and listening to Special Agent Oso. I've got zero makeup on and look like scary Oprah.

My hair is being held back by sunglasses because I couldn't find a hairband, but the sunglasses were sitting here on my countertop, so why not?

My laundry pile is sky high again because I didn't touch it all weekend, and apparently, no one else in this house wanted to touch it either. Fantastic.

I kept Matthew home from school because he was coughing so bad this morning, but now he's totally made a fool out of me because he is running around like a madman....not coughing at all.

And ~~Jaws~~ Carter is sitting in timeout because he bit Matthew.

My coffee is cold, but I'm still drinking it.

It's only 9:02am but it's already been one of those mornings.

And then this pops up in my Google Alerts....

An article on Kansas.com entitled Five reasons why moms love mommy bloggers.

"Another mom on The Bump, Just Jess, admits she loves following the blogger behind The McMommy Chronicles for similar reasons. "She's a great writer - funny and real. I feel like if we lived near each other, we'd be great friends."

OMG. Seriously, that article should be titled "Why mommy bloggers love moms." because, Just Jess, I have no idea who you are but you just made my whole day SO MUCH BETTER! The best thing about blogging for me is knowing I'm not alone in this crazy ride of motherhood.

So thank you to Just Jess....and EVERY SINGLE ONE of you who are loyal readers of the McMommy Chronicles! Whether you know it or not, you give me a much needed outlet everyday to tell my stories about life. (Did I mention much needed?)

And we would be great friends in real life, wouldn't we?

I'd even put on makeup for you.

Insert Clever Title Post here.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:00:00 +0000

I should have a great post for you today, but honestly? I just wrote like FIVE GAZILLION GIVEAWAY POSTS on McMommy and Me and it took me all night and I'm tired and hungry and my thumb is sore. I blame the space bar, frankly. I mean, seriously, go count how many spaces I put in the five gazillion giveaway posts I just wrote and try and tell me your thumb wouldn't be sore.

{Hmmm. I wonder if I should have my hands insured. You know, like how shoe models have their feet insured or whatever? Bloggers should really have their typing hands insured. Oh and also their brains. I mean, for the good posts we write. Not junk posts like this one, of course.}

Anyway, feel free to go check those out and win yourself some free BP gasoline and other fun free stuff like gift cards and movies and then let's plan on meeting back here tomorrow morning, ok?

McMommy's Mailbox.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 11:30:00 +0000

Gather 'round, friends.....gather 'round....

Today I'm going to share with you an email I received from a McMommy reader who has seen the ~~light~~ shine that can only come from the miraclous purple tube with the flip-lid.....

Let's read, shall we?

"So I know you're totally a fan of Lansinoh (nipple cream) as your lip gloss, and I have to admit I was kinda grossed out! But here's where my confession comes in...

About two and a half months ago, I went to the beach and b/c I had two kiddos to care for, I of course neglected myself. I had sunscreen on, but forgot about my poor lips. They got burned VERY BURNED....I tried everything for my lips. I tried the Mary Kay satin lips set, which worked but the horribly chapped and cracked lips came back. I tried blistex, carmex, burts bees, etc. NOTHING helped. I was desperate...two and a half months of nasty lips...It was down right embarrassing!

I was getting ready to pack my hospital bag for when I have this baby, and I added my breast pads & lansinoh cream. As I looked in the bag, it hit me. McMommy swears by it. But would it be okay? I read the back of the bottle & it said that it didn't need to be taken off before nursing, so surely if it is safe for the lips of a newborn, it would be okay for my lips, right?

As I was putting it on my lips, my husband came into the room and freaked out. What the heck was I doing? He made it very clear that if my lips fell off he was not responsible. Oh, and he also was NOT going to kiss me on the lips because, well, that was just weird. I told him "well, Mcmommy says it works. Nothing else will work & I'm desperate." He gave me a look, shook his head & walked out of the room mumbling something about these stupid blogs....

So, here it is day three using the lansinoh cream and OMG...My lips are FINALLY better. I'm hooked. I'm healed. THANK YOU MCMOMMY!!"

Nothing makes me prouder than when I convert one of my readers to the wonders of Lansinoh....because I know they will LOVE it.
And ok, ok, fine.
If I am being completely honest here?

Maybe a little bit for the selfish reason of when I put it on as my gloss, I think to myself "Hey, at least I'm not the only one walking around with nipple cream on my lips!!"

Please, my scissors and I are begging you.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 10:30:00 +0000

To whoever thought it was a brilliant idea to put tags on children's clothes:

I'm betting $100 million dollars that you don't have children.

If you did, you would never ever ever subject yourself and other poor parents to the unending clothing nightmare that is an "itchy tag".

The "Mooooooooooom. This tag is scratching meeeeeeeee." mantra your kids will adopt.

How, from that point forward, they will make you cut the tags off of every single piece of clothing they own ForeverandEverAmen or else they will have a complete and utter meltdown while pulling and ripping at the horrible, no good, very bad tag.

Additionally? Chances are extremely high that this tag issue will most likely happen when all you are trying to do is get everyone out the door and into the car because you are very late for school, work, an appointment, playdate, etc.

My scissors and I curse you, Inventor of the Clothing Tags.

The bright side?

The younger siblings will have nothing to complain about as all their hand-me-downs are tagless! Of course, this means they could be wearing size 18 month shorts at 3 years old because we have no clue what size the clothes are...but who cares?
NO ITCHY TAGS!

I Snack Therefore I Am.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 01:00:00 +0000

At the beginning of the school year, there were some innocent little sign-up sheets posted in Matthew's classroom for parents to sign up to help with class parties, snack weeks, etc.

Being the super awesome mom that I think I am, I whipped out my pen and signed my name up for some things, including 2 snack weeks. I pride myself on my self-proclaimed fabulous kiddie snacks. Remember my spiders?

I later learned that the snacks you bring in for snack week need to correlate to the letter the kids are learning that week. And they have to be pre-packaged, store-bought.

I did some quick counting and realized......I got "I" week and "J" week.

OMG.

THE LETTER "I"??? FOR FIVE DAYS OF SNACKS???

And no homemade snacks where I could have made an igloo out of miniature marshmallows or something?!

McDaddy was all: "Ice cream. Bam. You're done. What was so hard about "I"?

I was all: "I'm sure the teacher will love me bringing the kids ice cream five days in a row."

So I googled "snacks that start with the letter I" and I feel soooooo much better!

All the little 5 year olds are going to LOVE me!!!

(click to enlarge)

What I Spent My Weekend Doing.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:13:00 +0000

Am I the only one who whole-heartedly SWEARS she will never, ever, ever let the laundry pile get that high again???

Because it was pure torture to wash, fold, and put away that many clothes.

And yet, I still fool myself into believing that I have a laundry gameplan in place:

I know! I will organize our laundry.
A basket for whites and a basket for colors.
I will do one load every day, just so that enormous pile never comes to life again.

(Day 1 of my plan) Wow, I am brilliant. Doing laundry when the load is relatively smallish will be so WONDERFUL. How easy! Why have I never done this before?!

(Day 2) Shoot. I missed a day. Oh well, tomorrow I will do TWO loads.

(Days 3 & 4) OMG. That pile scares me.

(Day 5) Well, it's Friday. Who seriously does laundry on a FRIDAY?!

(Day 6) Today's Saturday. I'm not wasting my day off doing stupid laundry.

(Day 7) *Hyperventilating at the height of the laundry pile.* I will survive. I will survive. I will survive. Surely no one has ever died of washing and folding and putting away that many clothes. But I think I will. I think I will be the first to die of it. This is the woooooooooooorst everrrrrrrrrr.

And the kicker?
When all the laundry is finally finished and clean at the same time....IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT IN THE DRAWERS! I end up breaking a sweat trying to stuff and squeeze and compress the clothes in there so I can will the drawer to shut.

Obviously my laundry's only mission in life is to make me look like an idiot.

Just writing this post made me nauseous.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:52:00 +0000

I am one of those people who does NOT handle throwing up well. I have an insane fear of it.....the sight, smell, sound of it. FREAKS ME OUT.

Even God knows how scared I am of it. And I have proof.

Exhibit A: He did not give me morning sickness with either of my two pregnancies. Some dry-heaving, yes. But not full on, head in a toilet, kind of thing.

Exhibit B: He gave me two kids who are so incredibly puke-prone, it is ridiculous. I can only believe it was to make me deal with my fears.

Because my kids will throw up at the drop of a hat.

Matthew threw up one time from the smell of an overripe banana.

Carter threw up one time because my husband put him in timeout.

Both my kids will throw up if they see the other kid throw up. I'm not even kidding. If you don't believe me, you need to read this post. Or this post.

Today, Carter started the 2 year old program at his brother's school.

At 11:59pm, my phone rang. It was the school letting me know that Carter threw up from crying so hard.

At 12:02pm, my phone rang again. It was the school letting me know that Matthew just threw up in the cafeteria.

I swear I can't make this up. They have some sort of brotherly ESP simultaneous throw up thing going on.

I know what you are thinking.....maybe this is a stomach bug?
And maybe you are right.
However, both boys came home, ran around in the backyard and pounded two ham sandwiches, chips, and chocolate milks. With not a drop of upchuck to be seen yet.

Carter told me "I don't yike schoo. I made throw ups." (nerves obviously)

Matty's reason was "I didn't like the smell of the peanut butter sandwich you gave me." (he has a weird food smell aversion thing)

Maybe the brothers who puke together, stay together?

Whatever. This mother is OVER IT.

Things You Should Know About Me...In Case We Ever Meet.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:42:00 +0000

1. I am a messy, disorganized person. If you ever stop by unannounced, you can guarantee that my house will be in disarray. Clean laundry yet to be folded will probably be dumped on the couch. My dining room table will most likely be covered in piles of paperwork, mail, etc. My kids' toys will litter the house. The kitchen countertop bar will most likely be sticky.

2. If you give me notice that you are coming over, my house will be spotless when you arrive. Just don't go in my bedroom or open any closets, okay? Avalanche.

3. I am 5'5"...and a half.

4. I don't drink enough water.

5. I am living proof that it is possible to be very laid-back and yet very impatient at the same time.

6. I am growing my hair long again. Just for fun. Pretend you don't notice those old highlights growing out, ok?

7. You know when you see a pic of Oprah without makeup and it makes you kind of gasp? Because she looks soooooo different without makeup on? But then you see a pic of Jessica Simpson without makeup on and you think "Wow. She looks so much better without makeup on!" In my head, I pray I look like Jessica w/o makeup but in reality, I'm soooooooooo Oprah.

8. So please, don't gasp when you run into me at Target with no makeup on, ok?

9. Although if I see you at Target before you see me....and I don't have a stitch of make up on and look like a wreck.....I'm totally going to hide from you in between the aisles.

10. I'm ~~mature~~ considerate of your eyesight like that.

Mr. Manners

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:00:00 +0000

Matthew, like all small children, is brutally honest.

And with his 5th birthday coming up in about three weeks, I have already started refreshing his memory about having nice manners when someone gives you a gift. Even if the gift isn't your favorite.

Me: When you receive a gift you should act nice about getting it and say thank you so you don't hurt someone's feelings.

Matthew: You mean if the present isn't an airplane?

Me: That's right.

Matthew: So if I get a picture frame, I just say: "Wow, that's great!" and then I say thank you.

Me: (beaming) Yes, exactly!

Matthew: And then I ask the other people around the table...ANYONE WANT A PICTURE FRAME?

If anybody needs me, I'll be the one banging her head against the wall over there....

You Know What's Awesome?

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:39:00 +0000

1). My potential Halloween costume for McDaddy and I.

It was going to be brilliant and fun and so photo-worthy.
And I came home soooooo excited to tell him my idea.....and then he looks at me and is all "No."
Which was so not awesome.
And I can't tell you what my idea was for several reasons:
a.) I'm still trying to convince him.
b.) Even if I don't convince him, I don't want to tell you the AWESOMELY FUN costume idea because when you see my other costume, you are going to be all "That's boring. Sucks for you that McDaddy didn't want to play along with your AWESOME costume idea. Better luck next year."

2.) WE ARE DONE WITH DIAPERS!!!!!!!! My 2.5 year old son potty-trained himself. Cannot believe it. Who's more excited than me?!

3.) That my best friend lives two minutes away now. And I go over to her house Saturday night for fun drinks and dinner. And she says "Do you want these Prada flats? They are too big for me." I cradled those flats like my third baby all night long.

4.) When someone leaves a comment.

I get my comments sent to my cell phone and I was at a baby shower on Sunday when I checked my email and saw this comment waiting for me:

Charloe has left a new comment on your post "What I Will Never Wear Again.":

McMommy,

You don't know me but I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I'm happy that you have a new job and all that, but I'm seriously going through McMommy withdrawals! Post more! Charloe

Seriously, Charloe? Made my day with that comment. Thank you for missing me around here!!

What I Will Never Wear Again.

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:24:00 +0000

I jumped out for an hour on Saturday to go see if I could find some more work clothes....some pencil skirts, some pants, maybe a blouse or two.

It was in the dressing room that I realized I needed to have a heart-to-heart with clothing manufacturers.

Specifically those that make blouses.

Even more specifically......Blouses with ties in the back.

YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, NON-MATERNITY BLOUSES WITH TIES IN THE BACK.

Seriously, we all need to sign the petition and put a stop to this nonsense.

Anyone who has ever been pregnant and wore a shirt with those stupid pointless ties has been forever scarred. We do not want ANYONE inferring even the slightest possibility that we are pregnant again when we are not.

Now when I was pregnant?

Loved the tie in the back.

It was my way of telling the world "I am pregnant and not fat!"

Two kids later?

I will cut you, ties. I will. Don't even think about coming near my clothes.

If you ever see a woman wearing this, you may not know if she's pregnant or not....

But you will know this:

It is not McMommy wearing that shirt.

Work Brain Potpourri

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:55:00 +0000

I am the idiot at work who can't figure out how to use the new phone system.

I'm all: "Why isn't it ringing? You young people confuse me with all your new fandangle technology!!!"

And my friend who sits near me is all : "Did you forget to dial 9 for an outside line again?"

***************************************************

Also, Rat Racers? Now that I'm in your club again, I feel like I need to thank you for not rubbing it in my face all those years how wonderfully wonderful it can be at your desk first thing in the morning. No, seriously. I get into the office, snuggle up with my coffee....and answer emails and work in glorious, heavenly PEACE. Then I head over to my favorite people and chat it up with them..."Soooooo....how was your weekend? Are we going out for happy hour after work?"
And they are all "Ummm yeahhhh. You're old. And you have kids who need dinner and parenting and stuff."

I also find it fascinating that I actually finish sentences! And give people my undivided attention! Heck, I didn't even realize I still had undivided attention. I never cut people off with "Hold that thought for one second. The kids have been quiet way too long...."

Sigh. It's so dreamy.

********************************

Matthew asked me on Monday why I was going back to work. I simplified the many actual reasons and stupidly told him "So mommy can buy you more of your favorite airplanes!"

I picked him up from school later on that day and as he climbed into the car, he says "Did you go to work today?"

"Yes....why?"

"Oh good! Let's head straight over to Toys R Us then. I love you working, Mommy!"

********************************************

I've officially used up all my "nice" clothes during the first week. So that sucks. Also? I'm so over high heels. However, apparently my beauty doesn't have to be a pain.
"A firm has designed a pair of three-and-a-quarter-inch high heels which transform into comfortable one-inch flats in only three seconds.
They work because of a steel rod inside the stiletto heel which can be pulled out and tucked into a hidden cavity under the arch of the shoe, without even taking them off.

A locking mechanism ensures that the rod snaps safely into position, preventing any wobbles when the heel is at its tallest." {read more here}

Look, don't hate me because my shoes ~~are beautiful~~ have retractable heels.

I Hope You Never Need This Bit of Advice...

McMommy@live.com (McMommy) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:52:00 +0000

Goggles + Dish Washing Liquid = How to Get Water-Repellent Diaper Cream Out Of Your Child's Hair

Please, dear God, if you love me, you will never make me have to clean up another cream catastrophe ever again.....