The McMommy Chronicles

Moving Day.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 15:38:00 +0000

So I guess today is the day you learn my real name...as it is the title of my NEW BLOG!
What?! I KNOW.

Starting fresh from blog scratch...but really looking forward to it.

Hope you come by and say hi! Even if only to tell me I'm crazy to do this all over again. :)

I just vomited.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 17 May 2013 02:53:00 +0000

I'm posting this because if I had to have these images seared into my mind, so must you:

From TMZ.com:

I'm not sure what I'm most horrified about:

a.) Kim Kardashian's imminent loss of circulation

b.) Julianne Moore's Great Toe Escape of 2013

c.) That I actually had this convo with myself in my head: "If I ABSOLUTELY HAD to choose to have one of those feet as my own, which one would I choose?"

Dear Me.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Sat, 11 May 2013 12:48:00 +0000

Hi 16 year old McMommy,

It's me....future you.
McMommy in her young 30s.

Fine.
Young 30s-ish.

Mid-30s doesn't hit until next Tuesday at 3:36pm when I/you officially turn 35.
We'll deal with that little fun fact later.

Stop leaning in to see if I/you have eye wrinkles and saggy boobs.
It's the year 2013 now and those can all be dealt with easily.....IF I have them.
Call me one of the Real Housewives husbands...they are all plastic surgeons.

GASP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE?!?!
Aren't you cute.

Moving on.....

So here's the thing.....what's it like again?
To be you. Like that.
All bill-less and worry-less and responsibility-less.
Remind me because those years seem so long ago.

Remind me of what it was like to get excited about the upcoming summer vacation.

Because right now when I hear "summer vacation", sadly all I can think about is the cost of summer camp and how in the world I am going to swing a few days off of work so I can take the boys on a little summer vacay trip.

What? Oh yeah, you have two kids.
Boys actually.

Remember when you thought you were going to have two girls and play Barbies and dress up and get manicures together??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
No, you had TWO BOYS!
And now you play Skylanders, decipher wordless Lego directions, and say things like "We do not say fart at the dinner table."

But you love those boys more than anything.
And you will literally use your last dollar to buy them that Skylander they want so bad.

So did you sleep in today?
I seem to recall you/me used to sleep in until noon on the weekends.

LOL. Noon.

These days noon means you are two meals in already and the boys are asking "What are we going to do NEXT?"

And if you don't come up with a good enough reply in the next 2.2 seconds?
It will quickly be followed by the dreaded "I'M BOOOOOOOOOOREDDDDDD."

But you still love those boys more than anything.

Oh and by the way....even though you/I wake up at the crack of dawn with these boys?

That doesn't mean you actually slept the whole night uninterrupted.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
You are so adorable with all your assumptions about how you think life is going to turn out.

No, even though you wake up at the crack.....you most likely were woken up at night for:

a.) Scary dream
b.) Mommy, my legs hurt.
c.) I need water.
d.) Are you awake, Mommy?
f.) Is it time to wake up yet, Mommy?
g.) all of the above
h.) all of the above but at separate times throughout the night

So, if I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this:

Hold onto 16 as long as you can.
Changes come around real soon, make us women and men.

Wait. That's John Cougar Mellencamp's advice.

My advice to you is this:

Sleep way past noon.

Stop stressing about SATs. You didn't score as high as you wanted to and yet you still got into every college you wanted to.

Travel more.

The flaming cucaracha shots in Cancun will not burn your mouth.

Sleep way past noon.

Don't do what you think you should do.
Do what you want to do.

Listen to John Cougar Mellencamp's advice.
For a year anyway.
Then you turn 17.
Jack and Diane are right....Life does go on.

And then before you know it?
Your kid actually sleeps in on a Saturday.....

All the way until 7:32am.

So listen to me very carefully......stop reading this right now, 16 year old McMommy.

And GO BACK TO BED UNTIL NOON.

Are you smarter than a kindergartner?

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 10 May 2013 02:57:00 +0000

Last week on Instagram, I posted this pic and caption:

You thought I was kidding? People of the Internet, I give you......the PROBOSCIS:

When I was in kindergarten, I guarantee you I did not know anything about how to diagram a honeybee, let alone what the heck a proboscis is.

Let's be clear, I'm in my mid-30s now and I still do not know what it is.

No, I will not tell you how many times I had to rewind that video to try and understand what word he was saying, then try to Google said word. I was so tired after that, I gave up on the second word he said. Glossum or something like that. Which, according to him, is like a synonym for the first word he said.

This is getting embarrassing.

The only bee I could tell you about when I was in kindergarten was this guy and why I didn't want to see his face anywhere near my breakfast table.

Love you forever, Lucky Charms. No one compares to you. No one.

p.s. I still don't know how to pronounce it. Prometheus or whatever.

p.p.s. Don't tell Carter that I don't know how to pronounce it.
.....Or that I hid a box of Lucky Charms in the back of our freezer behind the frozen veggies so no one can find them. Except for me at 3am.

Call Matt Damon cause I have some apples.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Wed, 08 May 2013 01:30:00 +0000

Sometimes I get into a non-writing rut.

And when that happens, I just let Pinterest write for me.

Confession: I really want to end every post now with this pic.

Paint War Gender Reveal

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 02:05:00 +0000

This past month, life has been going along and I really haven't felt inspired to blog much.

And then...I see this pin on Pinterest:

OMG. HER EAR.

YES. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I'm pretty sure by now everyone has heard about the "gender reveal" phenomena that has been sweeping the nation. If you haven't, google that right now. We'll wait for you to see the pics of the parents-to-be opening boxes with pink balloons streaming out and the cakes with the blue frosting that ooze out of the center when you slice into them.
Oh but it's about to get a lot better.
Two words for you: PAINT WAR.

The "PAINT WAR gender reveal" is all sorts of awesome.
It makes the "It's a boy!" phone call I made to my friends and family back in the day seem soooooooo nine years ago.

Let's examine this phenomena closer, shall we?

So the pregnant couple goes into their doctor appointment, after a quick stop at Home Depot I assume, and unload their quarts of blue paint, pink paint, white unmarked empty bottle, and paint stirrer in front of the doctor.

Ok, I don't know if they really bring a paint stirrer.

I just took the liberty of adding that item in because the paint stirrers are always sitting there at the paint counter, like take me home, I'm free.
So you throw like six of them in the bag.
And the Home Depot guy gives you a look.
WHAT? WHAT'S WITH THE LOOK, HOME DEPOT MAN? STOP STANDING THERE AND BEING ALL JUDGY, IN YOUR ORANGE VEST. MAYBE I WILL NEED TO STIR....six times..ish.

Anyway......back to our story....

Aisle Four of Home Depot is now located in exam room #2 of your ob/gyn's office.
In my mind, this is how it goes down:

"Doctor, I know you are extremely busy with the business of birthing babies all day long but we need your help. You see, we would like to do a gender reveal paint war photo shoot!! As such, we will need you to please choose the paint that correlates with the sex of the baby and put it into the white bottle. Please be careful that NOT A DROP OF PAINT gets ANYWHERE on the outside of the bottle. Because that would ruin the purpose of our gender reveal paint war, of course."

"A....gender reveal....paint....war."

"Yes. It's all the rage on Pinterest right now."

"And you want me to squeeze paint into this white bottle. Because.......?"

"Because are going to blindfold each other and then squirt the paint all over each other, all while being carefree and laughing giddily and being photographed! Naturally, we will remove our blindfolds at some point and see...we are having a boy! Or a girl! It's going to be SO adorable."

"Right. So you are telling me you are going to squirt this paint all over each other. And make a mess of yourselves."

"An adorable mess."

" And by whatever color you are slimed in, that's how you tell the sex of the baby."

"Yes, that's right."

"Well, this is sheer brilliance. Consider me on board. Nurse, call Labor & Delivery and tell them I'll be a little late. Now, pass me a paint stirrer.....or six. I can hardly wait to see how the pictures turn out. I'm sure they will be a timeless keepsake!"

Be jealous.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 08:30:00 +0000

You know what's awesome?

~When you essentially do not sleep the entire night.....and when the alarm goes off at 6am, you have a little 6 year old standing in front of you telling you they are "so itchy".
Because truly....what is more awesome than waking up to red rash all over your child's chest, back and face when you are on two hours of sleep?!

~That I'm about to watch a Dateline episode (I recorded last night) while folding a severe case of laundry.
The episode topic?
A guy goes missing, but his friends and family receive texts from him saying he's "ok" and just had to "figure some things out"......
Only???
They find out the texts were not coming from him at all!!
GASP!
It's so scary awesome when your real life mirrors a Dateline episode. #BringMattHome

~That I couldn't tell you which is the before and which is the after of Real Housewives of Orange County Vicki Gunvalson's face:

And finally.....you know what's awesome?

When you are sitting at your desk wolfing down a PB&J sandwich......

...and your girl crush Sophia Vergara instagrams a pic of HERSELF eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

And you are sitting there all ME TOO, SOFIA!!

Who writes blog posts at 3am?

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 07:50:00 +0000

ME, THAT’S WHO.

Why?

Well, sometime around 2am, Matthew woke up screaming "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

I bolted up in bed as if someone had sounded the fire alarm. I fly into his room and he is sitting up in bed, telling me he heard a car horn.
He’s also half-asleep.

So I tuck him back in, go back to my bed, and am now lying here WIDE AWAKE.
And listening for car horns.

2am turns into 3am.

And hello,what is with ALL THE RANDOM THINGS that run through your head at 3am???

“I wonder if he really did hear a car horn? Well at least he wasn’t waking me up to tell me he was sick. Strrrrrrretchhhh. I should really take a yoga class one day. Bethenny Frankel has those weird yoga toes though. I don’t want those. Did I return the field trip form back to Carter’s teacher? What should I make for dinner tonight? Maybe I should just get up and make the kids’ lunches now and get that over with. How many more days this week do I have to make lunch? What day is it even today? I still can't believe Heidi Klum rescued her son and two nannies from an undertow. Those pictures are insanely incredible. Am I hungry? I think I want a bowl of Lucky Charms. I'm pretty sure I did return that form to the teacher. WAS THAT A CAR HORN?”

Now it’s 4am.
And I’m here writing a post I had no intention of writing when I went to bed last night.

Once you have kids, you never sleep blissfully unaware ever again, do you?

p.s. The bowl of Lucky Charms was SO GOOD. Cereal tastes even better at 3:40am.

Can't Live Without My....{under $20 beauty edition]

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 11:17:00 +0000

Here is what I'm loving lately.....and bonus??? All under twenty bucks!

Soooooooo........here we go! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY.......

Smashbox Limitless Eyeliner in Onyx Black $19.99
I've never owned an eyeliner that glides on like this. LIKE BUTTAHHHH, I tell you!
Love. I'll be a fan for life.

Sonia Kashuk Foundation Brush $14.99
Confession: I've never used a foundation brush before now. However, when I was in the market for a new foundation a little while back, the girl at MAC applied foundation to my face with a brush.
W-O-W what a difference! Made my skin seemed airbrushed.
I was sold...but not enough to pay $40 just for a brush (which, I know, I know...is normal for makeup brushes. But STILL, it just doesn't sit right with me!) Then one day I saw this one at Target and thought I'd give it a whirl....now? Well, just look at the title to this post.

Nuance Salma Hayek AM/PM Anti-Aging Super Cream $19.99
Let me just tell you right now, I have zero loyalty to any cream out there.
I think it is because I'm a cream fanatic and I always think there is something possibly better than whatever empty bottle I just finished and tossed into the trash. Well, this cream?
I bought at CVS....three times in a row now. So I think that means something.
It makes my skin feel silky smooth, doesn't feel too heavy or too light, and smells divine.
The only thing that bugs me is that "Salma Hayek" is in the name.
I hate buying anything that has a celeb name tied to it. What's next for me? Lady Gaga perfume? Ew.

Smashbox Lip Gloss in Pixel
I know. It's not the fabulousity that is nipple cream lip gloss (now THAT'S a story for the new readers here) but it's a close second for me. Little known fact about me: My co-worker claims she always knows when I'm having a really stressful day because it's the only time I don't re-apply my lip gloss. Hi, my name is McMommy and I have a lip gloss re-application addiction.
ANYWAY, this color is a great neutral that I can wear alone or over a lip stain....which brings me to my next product......

NYC Lip Stain $4.99

I've yet to meet a color I don't like in this collection. (Confession: Although I've never tried that dark one on the end. And I never will. Too dark for me, I bet.) Bonus? These lip stains do not dry out my lips!

CVS Facial Cleansing Brush $19.99
All this makeup talk....you know what your face NEEDS??? A good scrubbing.
The CVS facial cleansing brush is a knock off of the Clarisonic one (I'm too lazy to spell check that) but I've never used the Clarisonic one so my face doesn't know the difference.
But my wallet does.
Spending $150 for a face spinny brush isn't in my cards right now but I will gladly use this knock-off because it works so well! Just a dab of my facial cleanser on it and boom....the magic begins.
My face feels so clean afterwards, as if those bristles have scrubbed out every last pore.
A little smear of Salma Hayek cream (Ew! I still hate celeb names in my products!) afterwards and my face feels like it's in heaven.

Let me know if you have any products YOU can't live without....I love a good recommendation!

Because who doesn't love a 1960s secretary?

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 03:19:00 +0000

So Matt got fired when they found out his kidneys weren't stolen.

I know. It was a letdown for all of us.

But his firing left a vacancy at the front desk and it was causing a lot of stress on the office so my co-worker and I volunteered to help out.

I'd like to say it was out of the goodness of our hearts but that would be a lie.

Her: "Oooh! LET'S COORDINATE OUTFITS! Secretary style!"

Me: "OMG! YES! Pencil skirts?"

Her: "As if you had to ask."

Me: "We need nude pantyhose. That we bought in an egg-shaped container."

Her: "Let's pull our hair back and wear our glasses."

Me: "I'm going to carry a folder around in my arms all day. And pretend to take notes every time people talk to me."

Her: "We should offer people coffee when they come in."

Me: "Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! This is going to be the most fun Monday EVVVVAAAA!!!"

So Monday rolls around......
We got nothing done in regards to our real everyday work.
However? Front desk style? We killed it.

We even offered coffee to the FedEx guy.

At the end of the day, we decided to send a survey to the office.

1. How stylish do you think the front desk was today?
a. Very stylish
b. Extremely stylish
c. Like a runway at NYC Fashion Week.

2. Did you receive calls transferred to you?
a. Yes, and the person who transferred it to me was so upbeat and friendly!
b. Yes, and it was an absolute pleasure to receive the calls from the front desk!
c. All of the above.

3. How well did the customer service representatives at the front desk listen to you?
a. Extremely well
b. Very well
c. I felt like I was talking to Oprah.

4. How knowledgeable were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely knowledgable
b. Very knowledgable
c. Rocket scientists come to mind.

5. How helpful were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely helpful
b. Very helpful
c. Not only helpful, but so STYLISH!

We weren't asked to help out again.
Clearly, we should have asked the FedEx guy to take the survey instead.

PICTURE THIS.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 03:43:00 +0000

BAM!
I held up my end of the deal. I love it when I actually follow through!

Ok, here goes....

My best friend and I took our first vacation together IN YEARS....and we went over to a tiny island in the Bahamas where my sister lives. It was the island's annual James Bond Casino Royale party so hey why not???

The flight over was one of the best ever. I brought the sombrero as a prop for the harlem shake video we planned to film later on in the trip. However, everyone and their mother ended up wearing that sombrero. Because seriously...how much fun is a gigantic sombrero???

And how much fun is it to dance on the runway with the hotel manager while wearing a gigantic sombrero? Just ask that guy above.

And in case you were ever wondering if pigs swim?
There you go.
Little big island piggies will swim right up to your boat to look for your food scraps.
I didn't feed any pigs though. No way.
Swine flu = no bueno. (that was sombrero font)

Bond girls....your mission, should you choose to accept it, is a white dress, some major attitude, and some major bling.
Mission accomplished.....with a special shout out to E! Live From the Red Carpet SEQUIN SHOES!
I've never known what it feels like to be a celeb until that evening.
The yacht club was totally decked out in sheer curtains, vintage Bond posters, overflowing champagne, and blackjack and roulette tables as far as the eye could see.
Then, at 9pm, they had us...the Bond girls....arrive. We walked through the front door and all immediately struck a pose with our guns.
And the crowd went wild.
Everywhere we walked that evening, someone asked if they could take their picture with us.
There was even a step-and-repeat on the red carpet and you KNOW I rocked some Melissa Gorga poses. For funsies. (thank you baby jesus, kiss my own hand, and look up at the sky)

A checkerboard painted on a picnic table with beer caps for checkers? Check.
Dogs swimming with sharks? Check.
People swimming with sharks and liquid courage? Check.
Sombrero? You know it.

AND FINALLY...........

Bestie and I are sitting at the bar one evening and she looks at me and informs me that Don Johnson is sitting across from us. I didn't believe her, because the man sitting across from us looked like this:

And NOT LIKE THIS:

However, it was confirmed true by many many sources.

I tried so hard to take an inconspicuous pic for you all but failed miserably. However, as he walked back to board his boat, I was able to grab this shot:

I like to picture him saying "TUBBS, THE DRUGS ARE THAT WAY!" when I look at that pic.

Let me tell you all about it..kind of.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 11:47:00 +0000

It's always so hard to write the first post after a vacation.

Because it always starts off with me writing like this:

OHMYGODTHISVACATIONWASAWESOMEWEDIDSOMUCHANDINEEDTOTELLYOUEVERYSINGLELITTLETHINGANDSOOOOOOFIRSTWELEFTONTHEPLANEANDTHENWEGOTTHEREANDTHENWEDIDSOMUCHAWESOMESTUFFANDOHMYGODTHISVACATIONWASAWWWWWWWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I try to reign it in.

So I sit here.....

......just staring at a blank screen.......

......staring, staring, staring..........

........trying to think of a normal way to write about my vacation.

Then I get all distracted.
By my intellectual reading. Ahem.
(OMG how adorable is that Harper with her brown tights and Mary Janes? Also...Victoria's clutch. Die. I looooove a clutch.)

Ok, ok. So trying to re-focus.....how about I just share some pics and we call it a day?

I'll have a post up later with all the pics. No distractions until that post is up, I SWEAR (ish).

Triple S weekend.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 09:35:00 +0000

This weekend I am leaving a jet plane with my best friend for a little mini-vacation of sun, sand, and sauvignon blanc.

And these shoes are coming with me:

Did I really buy shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?
Did I really just tell the world I BOUGHT shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?
Why, self?

I'll have all the details for you soon!
In the meantime, you can always follow our island travel adventure on Instagram, of course.

See you soon!

So THIS is what happened.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 04:40:00 +0000

So I popped over to my parents' house to say hello one evening after work and find everyone like this:

And when they see me walk in, everyone screams:

"DON'T MOVE!"

To my surprise, it wasn't because they wanted to take in and admire the awesome-ness of what was my outfit that day.

Although they should have.

Because hello beautiful turquoise scarf???!!!

No, it was because one of the diamonds in my sister's wedding band went flying after she caught her ring on the edge of the outdoor table.

Being the kind of person I am, I immediately sprung into action.
And began shouting encouraging and helpful advice like: "OMG!!!! IT COULD BE ANYWHERE!!!! You will NEVER find it!!"

When suddenly I stepped forward and heard a crunch.

Ohhhh.

Good news?
I did not crunch my sister's diamond.

Better news?
My sister found her diamond.

Astonishing news?
She found it in the mulch.

Next to a bead of Miracle-Gro fertilizer.

Can we all pause and reflect on this insanity for a moment?????

It was literally like watching the expression "Like finding a needle in a haystack" come to life right before your eyes.

I immediately swooped in, wrapped the ring and the loose diamond in my turquoise scarf, and carried it like a sick bird to the nearest emergency room.

Or poured myself a glass of wine.

I can't remember exactly. It was definitely one or the other though.

What Happened?

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 03:23:00 +0000

So this happened:

Any guesses as to what this was about?

The Office.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 01:12:00 +0000

My current job is pretty great, but mostly because of the people I work with.
Take last week for example.

Monday, March 11th
9:45am--
As I walk back to my desk, I turn to my co-worker and say "There's a secret message in the bathroom for you. Good luck finding it."

2:00pm--
After extensive looking, she finds it.
I had written "Hi" in the 3 inch layer of dust that was accumulated on the artwork frame hanging on the wall.

2:23pm--
She replies: "There's a response to your secret message in the bathroom for you. Good luck finding it."

4:47pm--
Secret message found. ROLLED UP IN THE TOILET PAPER ROLL HOLDER.

The hiding location was brilliant.
Only problem was that secret message had somehow gotten stuck.
And required a rescue team to dismantle it out.

Awkward moment: Passing our manager in the hall on our way back to the desk as we tried to hide the toilet paper holder from his sight in order to begin Operation Free the Message.

Operation Free the Secret Message in effect.

Tuesday, March 12th
1:21pm--
I do the Harlem Shake all around my co-worker while she tries to have a serious conversation with a lender.

Wednesday, March 13th
8:45am--
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST DOES NOT SHOW UP FOR WORK.
Which is extremely not like him.

9:02am--
We immediately fear the worst. Co-workers and I refuse to work until he is found.

9:04am--
CSI episode begins (in our heads).

10:21am--
After much debate, we decide on our detective names.
My name will be Esperanza and my co-worker's name will be Geneva.
We think the names sound very foreign and worldy and mysterious.
And not detective-like at all but who cares.

10:23am--
We remember Matt is missing.

11:45am--
We call all the emergency numbers Matt has. No one answers. We start to get suspicious.

11:47am--
Geneva googles his address. And discovers.....GASP! It's a fake address!!!!!!

11:48am--
Oh wait. It's a UPS store. So maybe it's a PO Box or something.

11:50am--
All this detective work is making Esperanza hungry. We declare we must pause our investigation as it is important to nourish ourselves. We'll resume after lunch and a People.com break.

1:04pm--
While Geneva works on looking through mug shots on the local police website, Esperanza pens a song called "Remember Matt".
It is sung to the tune of "We Are The World".
Esperanza sings it for Geneva, a la Celine Dion, holding her pretend earpiece while she belts out the tune.

3:06pm--
More theories start getting thrown out: "He was drugged last night and woke up on a bed of ice in a hotel room. He is missing a kidney now." We agree to think about donating him one of ours.

4:45pm--
Still no Matt. The case is as cold as the ice in the hotel bathtub that he may or may not have woken up on.

5:30pm--
QUITTIN' TIME!!!! Good luck, Matt, wherever you are!

Thursday, March 14th

7:01am---
{Esperanza texts Geneva:}
"OMG. ARE YOU AWAKE? WAKE UP!!!!!!!!! News is reporting that a body washed up on shore this morning. Young male in his 20s. They cannot id him because HE WAS NAKED!!!!!!!"

7:15am---
"OMG. Did he have kidneys?!?!?!"

9:00am---
Esperanza and Geneva determine a missing persons report must be called in.

9:04am--
Esperanza and Geneva freshen up their make-up. You know, just in case the cops need to take a statement from them. In front the news camera crew.

9:22am--
"Should we wear a ribbon or something? Maybe tie it to trees around town? Like to remind people of Matt."
"We totally should. Maybe with a slogan like 'Bring Matt Home'. "
"What color should the ribbon be?"
"What color matches what we are wearing today?"

10:30am--
Still no cops. Or media.

11:32am--Ditto.

1:22pm--Ditto.

2:01pm--
"Maybe we should try texting Matt one more time."

2:02pm--
{Geneva's text to Matt:}
Matt, we have called the police and are about to file a missing person's report. If you receive this text and are ok, please just text back. Also, please let us know if you need a kidney."

2:04pm--
OMG HE TEXTED BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Matt's text to Geneva:}
"I'm fine. I just quit."

2:05pm--
"HE QUIT?!"
"What a letdown."
"This is the worst ending ever. How boring."
"I wrote that song for nothing."
"Does this mean we have to work again?"

3:23pm--

"GASP!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF MATT'S ABDUCTOR WROTE THAT TEXT????!!!! TO THROW US OFF FROM CALLING THE POLICE?????"

So yeah. This week ahead should be fun......

Choices, choices.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:19:00 +0000

Remember Choose Your Own Adventure books?
Where you got to choose what happened at the end of each chapter?

The only adventure this guy should choose is which is the way to the nearest manicure.

Pack your bags, friends.
Because today?
You are going on a Lemon Chicken Adventure!

If you choose the Martha Stewart way to make this chicken, go to page 34.

If you choose the McMommy way to make this chicken, skip to page 78.

Friday Nonsense.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 05:00:00 +0000

1. I hope someone around here has been going around checking all the elevators because of what a ghost town this blog has been!! Good news? I'm here. Bad news? It's Friday. Which probably means you are going to lose me again for days on end as I slack off into the weekend.

2. What do we think about Jessica Simpson accidentally revealing she is having a baby boy?
And supposedly she is naming him "Ace".
Her's daughter's name is Maxwell.
Ace and Max.

Reminds me of only one thing:

3. Is it just me or does this seem a little advanced for kindergarten?

4. I'm so disappointed in the Today Show lately.
Watching Savannah is like watching vanilla ice cream.
Matt Lauer is almost never on anymore, even though I heard he signed some huge contract for like $25 gazillion dollars a year to stay on.
Al Roker is Al Roker.
Natalie Morales even makes me yawn now.
The whole vibe there is completely messed up. And feels forced.
And I just think I fell asleep from boring myself talking about their boring-ness.

5. So this is happening on Pinterest:

Onions stored in pantyhose will last as long as 8 months.
27 ways to make your groceries last as long as possible.

You're welcome, people of the world who need to store onions for 8 months.

6. Somewhere right now, a kindergartner just read this post and cursed me for dumbing him down.

Tag. I'm it.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 23:18:00 +0000

{I was tagged to answer these questions. Nice. Let’s get this party started.}

If you were a doll, the accessories packaged with you would be:

OMG. SO EASY!!!!!!   Those tiny Barbie shoes.
You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Those tiny adorable super fashionable Barbie shoes.
My friend gave me this Hallmark Christmas ornament and I almost died from the awesome-ness:

I have an irrational fear of:
How long do I have to answer this question? Because we could be here all night.

What would you do if you were stranded on an island with the person you hate most?
Ok, I’ve thought about this and my answer depends on who exactly is the hated one I am stranded with. I mean, what if I'm stranded on an island with Joran Van der Sloot???
If I was stranded with him, I would just start swimming far far away from that island.
Because seriously, if the swim doesn’t kill me, we all know he will.

I find the thought of childbirth:
The easy part. It’s the months of no sleep afterward that scare the living daylights out of me.

My toenails are:
Red. Again.
Also I hate the word toenails.

What was the last thing to make you cry?
I was so excited to sit down to a brand-new package of Football Oreos.
And discovered we were out of milk.
This was a major devastation because for some unknown reason, football Oreos taste even more delicious than regular Oreos. I have no idea why. Also, I think someone else should be in charge of buying the milk around here. I have more important things to concentrate on at the grocery store.
Like limited edition cookies.

What’s most confusing to you?
Google Analytics.

What is one thing you’ve learned about life?
Ahhh. I hate these types of questions!! I feel like I should have some really philosophical way of answering it. Or something really touching. Something that someone reads and says “That should be a college commencement speech right there!!!” I can’t write under this kind of pressure.
Someone ask me about nail polish again.

Have you ever been stuck in an elevator?
I would DIE of claustrophobia if I ever got stuck in an elevator.
And since I am still living, I think we all know the answer to this question.
But if this blog ever goes quiet for days on end, GO CHECK EVERY SINGLE ELEVATOR IN EVERY SINGLE BUILDING IN FLORIDA!!!! BRING ME OXYGEN!!!
And football Oreos.

The couch at 4pm.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 02:43:00 +0000

This would be my wild child at 4pm this afternoon:

Not sick. Just tiiiiiiired.

Wow, where do I even begin? This is just so unexpected. Truly! I mean I know everyone said it was a possibility, but I just didn't think it was possible! Ok, ok, I know my time is limited so I will make this quick. I want to say a heartfelt thank you to all the people who made this happen because I could never have done this alone! So first and foremost, I'd like to thank God. You've got my back always, don't you?! Much love to you. I'm really sorry I forgot to give up something for Lent this year. Can I jump in the game halfway through?

Another huge thank you goes out to Grandma for the awesome sleepover he enjoyed last night...sorry if he woke up a little early. (but then again, if he didn't, would I be standing here right now?? So maybe I'm just sorry-ish.)

And I would be remiss if I didn't thank his awesome Uncle McDreamy and always delightful Aunt McSister for taking him to the park! An hour of non-stop football games, relay races, and 100-yard dash contests? I feel like the real winner here.

Of course, a special shout-out goes to my feathery soft pillow and oh-so-fluffy down comforter. You've never done me wrong!

And finally, I just want to recognize the amazing Florida weather happening right now with the cool 65-degree breeze blowing through and the heavenly smell of the homemade bread baking in the oven as we speak...the snuggly factor going on in this home right now is ridiculous. About to break the cozy meter!

Ok, ok, they are telling me to wrap this up because he is starting to stir but a big thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who made this 55 minutes of unexpected peace and quiet possible! You are the best! xoxoxoxo

McMommywood: Oscar After Party

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 05:24:00 +0000

I figured everyone and their mother blogged about the Oscars yesterday.

So I'm giving you something completely different.

The Oscar After Party....TUESDAY EDITION. (Shut up. It IS different.)

Brought to you by my twitter stream and the letters V-I-N-O.

Giuliana said her dress is too heavy to lift to show her shoes?!? Perhaps she should eat a sandwich.
— aubʀɛɛ sօuтһɛʀɴ (@ajsouthern) February 24, 2013

Adele and Kristin Chenoweth should totally remake Twins #OSCARS #redcarpet
— Chris Mueller (@OMGChrisMueller) February 25, 2013

Do you guys remember when Renee Zellweger had eyes?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 25, 2013

I'd probably wax Channing Tatum. For funsies.
— Maria(@MariaMelee) February 25, 2013

This morning. Probably at about 10AM.RT @liz36md: @kathygriffin when did travolta grow hair?!?
— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) February 25, 2013

Stacy Kiebler brought her grandpa!
— Linnyloplop (@LindseySD) February 25, 2013

I want Mark Wahlberg to whisper in their ear when he hands them the Oscar "Say hi to your mother for me."
— McMommy (@McMommyblog) February 25, 2013

On Raising Tony Soprano

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 03:58:00 +0000

{an actual conversation that took place today in the car}

Carter: "Can we please go to ToysRUs to use my birthday gift card from Auntie Sarah?"

Me: "Ok, yes."

Carter: "You aren't lying to me, are you?"

Me: "What?? Of course not! Why would you say that?"

Matty "Meatballs": "He doesn't like liars. Just ask him what happened at the campout."

Me: "What happened at the campout?"

Matty Meatballs: {pauses...takes a sip of his espresso}
"Well, this boy dared Carter to pick up a log that was covered in ants. He said if Carter did it, he would pay him five bucks."

Me: "And?"

Carter "The Claw" : "And so I picked it up." {casually takes a bite of his cannoli}

Me: "And?"

Matty Meatballs: "Well, there was a problem. Because the kid didn't pay him five bucks. He only paid him 25 cents. So Carter threw a water balloon......at his nuts."

Me: "WHAT? CARTER! THAT IS NOT OK."

Carter the Claw: "Well, it wasn't ok for him to lie to me. Maybe next time, he'll remember that before he promises to pay someone five bucks."

We rode in silence the rest of the way home.
Mostly because I was scared.

Six {aka the Spongebob party}

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 16:31:00 +0000

Guess what day it is today?

Annoy Squidward day?

No, silly. That's on the 15th. TODAY IS CARTER'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

For the first time ever, one of my sons requested a regular birthday party "theme".

A birthday theme so popular, I could probably find it at the corner convenience store if I wanted to.

Carter is turning six. And he wanted a SPONGEBOB BIRTHDAY!

I was practically doing backflips to Party City.

Because do any of you remember what kinds of birthday party themes they typically ask for?

Exactly.

So yes. Backflips, I tell you.

There was just one teeny, tiny problem.

Once I actually went down the Spongebob aisle, and saw the Spongebob decor, I cringed.

It was so.....um....Spongebob-y.

That's when the pep rally started happening in my brain.

You don't need this all this junk! You CAN DO THIS!

Just sayin...turquoise. Chevron stripe. Pops of yellow. It's almost too easy.

Oooohhh! PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE!

And so.

Somehow this happened:

Spongebob re-invented

Some may call this SpongeRobert.

Bikini Bottom Bar for adults

Who wants some Spongebob?

So yes, I compromised and did my own spin on Spongebob mixed in with some "commercial" party store stuff that I thought the kids would enjoy.

Here are my resources and recommendations for you in case you are ever in the Spongebob party market:

~Hit up JoAnn's Fabric (don't forget your coupon that they ALWAYS have).

I bought two yards of that chevron stripe material you see above and used it as a decorative table runner.

~The yellow "C"? I bought those for $1 at Joann's. They were originally just plain cardboard-ish color. I sprayed them bright yellow and called it a day. Carter got a huge kick out of those. And requested them for his room afterwards.

~Pineapples--who lives in one under the sea? You know it. They were on sale for a ridiculously cheap price at Fresh Market...score. It's like this city was BEGGING me to have a Spongebob party.

~While the kiddos had their cooler full of kid-appropriate drinks, I did a Bikini Bottom Bar for the adults. I mean, come on, McSister was coming after all. I found a white-washed crate at Joann's for 50% off...double score. Because hello, 50% off. And also because I could totally use this after the party....maybe to hold the kids' books in the playroom or something. For the party, I turned it on its side, put wine glasses inside and threw a decorative fisherman's netting over it for good measure.

~We played games at the party and unfortunately I put down my camera in order to MC these games so I do not have any pics. But far and away the BEST and most fun game we played was Spongbob Trivia: Kids vs. Adults. We took two chairs and set them up facing each other, and stuck a small table in the middle, Family Fued style. My biggest party fail was forgetting to get some sort of buzzer or bell they could hit to ring in with their answer. (If you do ever do this game, I HIGHLY recommend getting one!) Nevertheless, this game was a blast. I can't remember the exact link where I got all the questions from but it was similar to a site like this.

Naturally, the kids won but I think the adults were the real winners for the hilarity and creativity of their answers. The kids were AMPED about the game and for about an hour prior, the kids and adults did a lot of hilarious trash-talking to each other. Carter started it though. (that's written in maturity font).

~We gave those adorable Spongbob and Patrick cookies as the party favors to the kids. One day in my instagram feed, I saw a pic of the most amazing custom cookies evaaa. I happened to comment and say something not desperate at all like: PLEASE MAKE COOKIES FOR MY SON'S PARTY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

I heart Cookies By Alexis.

You can find her on Facebook and follow her amazing creations on Instagram here.

And so to wrap up the longest post ever written, I never thought I would have so much fun planning a party for Carter with a very "commercialized" theme such as Spongebob but I have to say....I had a ball.

Most importantly, so did he.

Happy 6th birthday, Cartertini!!

Rear view mirror.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 05:31:00 +0000

When did we get here, boys?

The car rides without sippy cups of chocolate milk sloshing around the backseat?

No cheerios and goldfish smashed into the floor mats.

No constant loop of Disney movies playing in an overhead dvd player.

Everyone can buckle themselves into their own seat.

We actually take car rides to get somewhere.....

Not to try and put a fussy baby to sleep.

My trunk has tons of empty space.

Save for a soccer ball and a football, because you never know when a spontaneous game might pop up.

Don't get me wrong....there are still backseat scuffles.

I have found the stray french fry rolling around the floor.

And there are plenty of times I have secretly wished to have the dvd player back to buy me 10 minutes of a quiet car ride.

But most days?

I look in my rear view mirror and try to savor the moment.

Because somewhere along the way I blinked.

And you went from know all the words of Finding Nemo to knowing all the lyrics of Suit & Tie.

So........you keep singing along to JT and Jay-Z.

And I will think about how lucky I am.

And how far we've come, my boys.

Screwed.

noreply@blogger.com (McMommy) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 01:40:00 +0000

Hi. I am super tired. I was going to write you a fresh post today but....please refer back to the sentence prior to this one. So let's make an agreement that I will drink a RedBull and you will come back tomorrow and we'll try this again. Deal? In the meantime, here's a quick re-post for you to enjoy.....so your trip here today is not all for nothing!
***************************************************************

My five year old son is now wearing a size 13.5 shoe.
What does this mean? Will he be the next basketball superstar? I bet he will!
You’ll see! You’ll all see! JUST WATCH!

My wallet and I like to comfort each other with that daydream.

Since school is starting in two weeks, I’ll give the kid that his timing was good.
All his other pleas of “Mom, my shoes hurt! They are too small!” weren’t working.

But when I looked at the calendar and was like “SCHOOL’S STARTING IN TWO WEEKS??! NOW! WE MUST GO SHOE SHOPPING NOW!”

Online, of course. Because have you ever taken his two year old brother Carter to a shoe store?
Yeah, I made that mistake once.
I believe the store said our banishment is over in 2019.

And since my wild child Carter has solidified my decision that I am DONE having children, I think shopping for sneakers online with Matthew was about as close to my girl mom moment as I’ll ever get. So, I’ll take it. GLADLY.

After lots of perusing, we found a pair he liked. Free shipping, but it was ground shipping and it was coming from clear across the country. So it took an endless week for this thing to get here.

(And because I know everyone is saying DUH! ZAPPOS.com! NEXT DAY SHIPPING FOR FREE! Let it be known that Zappos did not have his size in the sneaker he wanted. And we couldn’t just PICK another sneaker. Oh no. Because suddenly this child has opinions on what he wants to wear and what looks “cool”. I know. Watch out, Justin Beiber.)

Everyday I had to answer the “Are my new sneakers here yet????” question.
It was a long week.

The big day finally arrived and as the FedEx guy handed me the package, it jingled.
YES, I SAID JINGLED.

It was at that moment that my brain kind of made this funny “Ruh roh” noise.

Matthew’s beloved, long-awaited sneakers turned out to be a box. Of screws.

And plastic clips and some metal thing.

Now if you think answering a week’s worth of “Are my new sneakers here yet??” questions won’t kill you, then I GUARANTEE that the 1,256,782 rapid-fire questions that come after you open a box of SCREWS that is supposed to be the new sneakers will.

WHAT IS THAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SNEAKERS? WHO SENT US THIS MOMMY? WHY DID YOU ORDER A BOX OF SCREWS, MOMMY? YOU SAID MY NEW SNEAKERS WERE ARRIVING TODAY, MOM!! WERE YOU LYING? LYING IS A BAD CHOICE, MOM. WHAT???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BAD GUYS??? BAD GUYS SENT US THE SCREWS?! BAD GUYS TOOK MY SNEAKERS??!! I HATE BAD GUYS! MOM ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE POLICE? MOMMY, WHO ARE YOU CALLING? WHO IS AMAZON.COM? DO YOU THINK THE BAD GUYS WEAR A SIZE 13.5? I’M GOING TO BEAT THE BAD GUYS UP, MOM! HAHAHAHA!! YEAH, CARTER!! LET’S KICK THEM IN THE BALLSIES!!! HAHAHA! MOM? MOM? MOM, WHAT IS AMAZON.COM SAYING? TELL THEM MY BROTHER AND I WILL KICK THEIR BAD GUYS IN THE BALLSIES!!

The good news?

1. My credit card was fine because when you purchase through Amazon.com from a 3rd party seller, they pay the seller directly and then Amazon.com charges your card. So it protects your card from the “bad guys”.

2. ShoeMetro.com (the 3rd party seller on Amazon) was EXTREMELY helpful and fully refunded my money. I emailed photos so they could file a complaint with FedEx as it was determined that the package was sliced opened, the shoes were stolen and replaced with a box of random screws and clips, and then it was taped back together. They believe this to have happened after it left the ShoeMetro warehouse. I have no clue.

But I do know this nice customer service rep named Toni and I bonded.

We laughed, we cried.

I asked her if she needed any plastic clips.

She told me there was no amount of money in the world that I could pay her to switch spots with me so that she could be the one answering the six million questions that I was getting hammered with by my sons.

We vowed that we would kick the bad guys in the ballsies together.