The Mel Word

Feeling like the Savage

2008-04-21T08:50:00.004-04:00

I'm sick of school. I'm just sitting here wasting my time. I'm not learning anything in any of my classes except for my Cisco class. I'm so sick of the school system. I'm so sick of our society. Please don't write me off saying "Oh, he's just another angsty teen that doesn't like school". You know why so many people don't like school? Because it's stupid! They don't care if we learn things. They care that we jump through hoops and memorize things for tests. They couldn't care less if we remember what we learn after we take the test. Granted there are things we do learn in school but I could (and do) learn much more and much faster on my own than in school.

And I'm sick of people thinking I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy but they could at least hear me out first before putting me on a bunch of meds. I'm not depressed because of some chemical imbalance. I'm depressed because I can see how screwed up everything is and I can see that I've been lied to and I feel like I'm walking around with my eyes open watching everyone else be blindfolded and walking into things. No, that's not right. I'm still partially blind. I'm still in the process of removing my blindfold but I can still watch people running into things. And no one will believe me. No one will listen to me.

I get sent to shrinks who say "Hmm, you seem depressed and you seem to have a problem fitting into mainstream society. Here, let me give you some drugs." I hate my meds. I'm going to gradually come off of them. I don't need them and I don't want them.

Twitter Ninjas

2008-04-11T08:43:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I pretty much never post in this thing. I've been out and about having this thing called a life. Plus I'm just not into sharing everything about myself online for everyone to see. Right now though, I'm sick. I've got a sinus infection. Sucks, eh? So I've been sitting at home doing nothing for three days. Okay, I wasn't doing nothing. I was playing games on neopets, I admit it. *hangs head in shame* I also watched Tank Girl a couple of times. Man that is a great movie. I'm back in school today. Of course, it's only a half day and the only reason I'm here is because I want to actually do something later. In my house, the rule is "if you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to hang out with people", which makes sense to me.

In other news, I've been advised to make my twitter updates friends only. Apparently people are spying on me! By people I mean my friend's mother and apparently my old school? Well whatever, I don't care. They can stalk me on twitter all they like. Heaven forbid they find out " I need more sleep." or "I'm in yearbook and I'm boooored but the weekend comes soon! :D" Yes, I have very deep and personal Twitter updates, don't I?

What interests me more is the fact that I've got two new followers on Twitter. One is 100000friends and the other is Jake Marsh. Now, the first one is obviously just someone trying to get a ton of friends just for the sake of saying they did. I'm not sure who this Jake person is though. O.o He follows a lot of people on Twitter though so maybe he is too? I don't think I actually know him and I don't see why he would want to randomly follow my Twitter.

Voting

2008-01-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'll be voting in the upcoming election. I'm excited about that. You bet I'll be registering as soon as I turn 18! :D

Problem is, I don't know who I'm going to vote for. I'll probably end up voting for whoever ends up as the Democratic runner. (I can't vote in the primaries)

Someone asked me if I was going to vote for whoever supports same-sex marriage. No. There aren't a lot of candidates who support same-sex marriage. There are some who oppose same-sex marriage but support civil unions. That's cool with me. What it really comes down too is that unless the canidate is uber zelous about outlawing same-sex marriage, then it isn't that important to me. There are more important issues.

Ishmael

2008-01-14T08:47:00.001-05:00

My English teacher recomended that I read the book Ishmael. It is incredible. I don't want to tell to much about it because I don't want to spoil it for anyone but I highly recomend it to anyone that is interested in ethics, philosophy, sociology, religion, etc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ishmael_(novel)

Template problems

2008-01-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

My apologies about the blog layout. Blogger doesn't seem to like me right now. I changed the template to see if I could get my header image to work but now it keeps telling me that the url for my header image is wrong. It's not wrong though. >.<

Ehh, I'll fix it later. I need to actually do yearbook work now.

Testosterone

2008-01-07T08:32:00.000-05:00

I’ve been debating whether or not to take Testosterone. I’m not going to take it right now but I think I may take it (with prescription) when I’m older. Part of me says “no, I don’t need that to make me a man.” And there are some possible side effects to taking T. The other part of me says that maybe the T will make me more comfortable with myself.

I’ve heard of people who have taken T who have said that afterwards they finally felt comfortable in their own skin. Too often I feel like I just cannot stand my body. I don’t mean that I hate my nose, or hair, or legs or weight (although I wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds). I mean that I just feel like I do not fit my body. I know God gave me my body. I try to take care of it. But too often I just feel this horrible disgusting feeling.

Another reason I want to take T is because although I can usually pass now, it will be harder as I get older. Without T, I doubt I will ever be able to pass as a grown man.

Happy New Years!

2008-01-01T16:17:00.000-05:00

I spent New Years Eve with my parents, my dog, and my best friend Jen. It was pretty fun. Jen and I watched tv, played Mille Bornes and had a video chat with one of our other friends. Maybe I'm just lame but to me that is fun.

I go back to school tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really mind my classes too much I've just gotten used to being able to sleep in. haha. Since I'll be in school though, I'll be updating more frequently. I update more at school than I do at home.

Merry Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T11:19:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas Eve! YAY! I'm excited to open presents tonight. My family has a tradition that we open half our our presents Christmas Eve and half Christmas morning. See, my dad's family celebrates Christmas Eve (I guess it's a Polish thing?) and my mom's family celebrates Christmas morning. So I get to celebrate both. :D

Honestly though, I feel a little bad about celebrating Christmas. Christmas for me, used to be celebrating Jesus's birth. Now I'm not sure that I believe that Jesus is God. So now I guess I'm just celebrating a historical figure's birthday? And we aren't sure that he was actually born on December 25th anyways. So now Christmas just seems to be a time of food, presents, and family tradition. Which I suppose isn't bad but I feel sort of guilty for celebrating a holiday that I don't really believe in.

Eid-ul-Adha

2007-12-18T08:07:00.000-05:00

My apologies for not updating. I almost always post updates from school and my school decided to block blogger.com. Now it is unblocked though. *shrugs*

Today is my last day of school before winter break. Tomorrow is Eid-ul-Adha so we get off. If you aren't familiar with Eid-ul-Adha, it is an Islamic holiday celebrating Ibrahim's (Abraham) willingness to sacrifice his son Ismael (Ishmael) to Allah.

There is a similar story in Christianity and Judaism, but they believe that it was Isaac who was almost sacrificed, not Ishmael.

The Bahá'í Faith says that the name of the son is unimportant. The important thing is that Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son to God.

Questioning My Beliefs

2007-12-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

I'm questioning my belief that Jesus is God. I'm thinking maybe he was just a extraordinary man and prophet. I still believe in God. I just don't am not sure of what specifically I believe. I'm currently looking into Judaism, Buddhism, and the Baha'i Faith.

I'm afraid. I keep remembering how people have told me that if I don't believe in Jesus Christ I will go to hell. It was easy to shrug off as BS when they were talking about other people. I said it wasn't my place to say if people were going to hell or not and it wasn't my place to tell people to what to believe in. When it's my eternal fate it scares me more.

Churches Now Have Armed Security Gaurds?

2007-12-10T09:07:00.000-05:00

Most of you have probably heard already but there were two shootings at churches in Colorado yesterday. That's pretty sad. I bet that a bunch of Christians will use this as an example to say "non-Christian people are evil and want to kill us." My dad and I were watching it on the news this morning and my dad asks "Since when do churches have armed security gaurds?" Which is a good point. I mean, yea, having an armed security gaurd was very helpfull in this situation, but come on. An armed security gaurd at a church? I really shouldn't be so surprised.

Livejournal Bans "Inappropriate" Search Terms

2007-12-09T14:40:00.000-05:00

Read this post and the first comment.

This pisses me off. So what? It's okay to have a journal or community about child pornography or white pride but you just can't search interests for it? wtf?

First of all, it blocks a lot of search terms which are not even bad. "genocide survivor" is blocked. So is "crackers and cheese". Why anyone would be searching for people interested in crackers and cheese is beyond me but that's not the point. The point is, it blocks people for searching for perfectly respectable communities. AND it's not like it stops people from having inappropriate communities, you simply can't search for them.

This ridiculous.

Forgot my Meds

2007-12-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

I've changed my layout to a three column layout but I need to go in and fix my header but I'll do that later because I need to leave to go to U.S. History soon.

You'll notice I've hidden the comments. Until further notice, there will be no commenting on this blog. I'm sorry. Deal with it.

In other news, I forgot to take my medication this morning. >.< I take Zoloft for anti-anxiety and Vyvance for ADHD. I feel really weird right now. My thoughts are racing and I just generally feel out of it and not myself. This is going to be a long day.

Comment Guidelines

2007-12-06T08:52:00.000-05:00

Try to use correct spelling, punctuation and grammar. It will help people understand what you are trying to say.
Avoid using swear words and abusive language. This includes sexist and racist language and any language which insults people due to their sexual orientation, gender identity/expression, religious beliefs, etc.
Do not harass, threaten, or make false statements.
Do not post inappropriate graphics or ASCII pictures.

Basically, if you sound crude, you will not bet taken seriously. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. You don't have to agree with me and you have a right to your opinion but you need to give a valid reason. "You're a fat ugly bitch" is not a valid reason.

I'm really not that strict but I will delete any comments which I believe to be malicious.

Happy Hanukkah!

2007-12-05T08:54:00.000-05:00

I'm sort of dissapointed because last year I got invited to my friend's Hanukkah party and I was going to be invited this year but now my friend isn't even going to her family's party because she is away at college and has a class on the day of the party. :( It was so fun last year too. I feel bad for my friend too. I mean, this is the first year that she hasn't been able to attend her family's Hanukkah party.

I bet you less than five people in my school actually realize that today is the begining of Hanukkah. I don't blame them. I mean, if you don't celebrate it and you don't know anyone that celebrates it, why would you know when it is? Unless you're just interested in knowing those things, which some people are. I think it's fun to learn about other people's holidays.

Sheep in the Herd?

2007-12-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

Are any of us really unique? Or has everyone been molded into a stereotype? I like to think of myself as being different. I like to think I'm "not just another teenager". Am I really different though? Doesn't everyone like to think of themselves as being different? What makes me different?

I don't smoke: There's loads of other people that don't smoke.
I don't do drugs: There's loads of other people that don't do drugs.
I don't drink: There's loads of other people that don't drink.

let's look at things I do/am rather than what I don't do.

I'm transgender: There are many other transgender people. (which I am rather thankful for honestly. I wouldn't want to be the only trans person. That'd be hard.)
I have mood swings: A lot of people have mood swings.
I like computers: I don't think I need to continue to point out that other people share this characteristic.
I like to read.
I have "odd" thought paterns.
I have night terrors.
I have panic attacks.
I was raised Catholic.
I do not like organised religion.

These are just a few. So if no single thing about me is unique, does that mean I am not unique? I got to thinking about this last night. I started thinking "I don't matter. I'm just another stereotype. I'm just another statistic." Of course, if I follow this train of thought, that would mean that no one else is unique either. Everyone else is just some stereotype. I cannot believe that though. I think everyone is special in their own way. It sounds incredibly corny I know. I would never tell someone they don't matter or that they are "just another part of the crowd". Why though? Because I don't want to hurt their feelings? No... I mean, yea, it's true I would not want to hurt their feelings but I do honestly believe that everyone is special.

Maybe it isn't each of our characteristics that make us unique/special but the combination of the charactersistics. Our experiances, and our physical and psychological traits form who we are and although we may share some of those traits with other people, we do not share 100% of those traits and therefore we are not exactly like anyone else.

Fear of the Future

2007-12-03T08:04:00.000-05:00

Next year I will be out on my own. It's a scary thought. I have to move out after graduation. As much as I hate living in this house, moving out is going to be hard. It's a huge change. I still don't know where I'm going to live. I need to get a job ASAP. I don't need to worry about paying for college tuition but I need to worry about affording a place to live, and food and stuff.

Hopefully I can get by until I get my cisco certification and then I can get a decent job with that.

Regardless of money though, it's still scary. I've lived in the same house all my life. I have hated living in this house and I have lived in fear, flinching at any loud noises or sudden movements, but now it's just sort of... what I'm used too.

I will soon start a new chapter in my life and I'm terrified as hell. O_O

Rubik's Cubes

2007-11-30T08:58:00.000-05:00

Gah, so I'm sitting in Cisco, trying to figure out a Rubik's cube. haha. I've sort of given up for the moment though because my cube is obnoxiously hard to turn. There's a guy in my class that can do the cube in about 4 minutes average. He's just memorised moves though. I want to read up on the mathematics of it. I find the cube very interesting. Any mathematical or geometric challenge is a source of entertainment for me. Yea, I'm a nerd. XD

Any of you ever finished a Rubik's cube? Any of you interested in mathematics?

I love math. I don't like math class but I love math in general. I love how everything fits together. I actually find math very... spiritual. Like, when I think of how it all fits together so perfectly, I'm amazed and I just think of how God is so amazing and this world is so amazing and interesting. It just blows my mind. It makes me feel very happy and giddy. Most people I know think I'm weird for this.

I talked to my school councilor

2007-11-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to my school councilor to talk to them about how people have been harassing me, especially whenever I use the bathrooms. I explained how I had been hesitant to report it because I didn't want the office calling my parents and I explained how my parents would yell at me and tell me I "had it coming". They appologized for calling my parents and told me it wouldn't happen again. They are also letting me use the bathroom in the nurse's office now so I don't have to put up with stupid people saying "you're in the wrong bathroom!"

Harassment and Confidentiality

2007-11-26T08:15:00.000-05:00

So the other day, I'm at school, I walk out of the bathroom and a guy jumps out from behind the door. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me into one of his friends. There are three guys and three girls. They circled around me and started pushing me around calling me a "faggot", "freak", and "pervert". I should report this right? These people should not get away with this. The problem is, last time I reported being harassed, the school called my parents even though they promised not to. If my parents find out, I will be yelled at, grounded, lectured, etc. My parents have still not shut up about the last time I reported it. They said it was my fault. I "had it coming" because I supposedly flaunt my sexuality at school.

Isn't there some confidentiality thing that school councilors have to abide by? Does anyone know where I could look up laws about this? I'm searching for stuff but not finding much.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

2007-11-20T07:51:00.000-05:00

Today is the Trangender Day of Rememberance. I can't even view that site though because my school has it blocked for being in the category "gay or lesbian or bisexual interest" -__-. People in my school's GSA and some not in the GSA are wearing the white armbands that glsen sent me. We aren't doing anything after school today but we are tomorrow. We can't meet on Tuesdays so we decided to just do it on Wednesday, our regular meeting day. We wanted to watch Boys Don't Cry, but it's rated R so the school won't let us. Oh well. We are going to have a discussion about what gender is, what transgender means, what genderqueer and androgyne mean, etc.

New Mel Word Banner

2007-11-19T08:04:00.000-05:00

Do you like my new banner for the blog? hehe I tried to make it look kinda like the L word banners except blue. This blog doesn't really have anything to do with the L word except the name. I chose the name The Mel Word because my friend said I have so my queer drama in my life that I could have my own tv show and call it "The Mel Word". I'm not going to go on and on in this blog about stupid drama though. I just like the name, so deal with it. :P

Questions or Comments?

2007-11-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

Questions or Comments? You can post them as comments here or you can email them to me at:

LGBT Soapbox Goodness

2007-11-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

Alright, time for me to get on the soapbox again.

I am part of the LGBT community. We are often discriminated against. I've heard about how we are not really discriminated against and we get special treatment and all of that. Maybe some LGBT people get special treatment. In my personal experience though, I have not gotten special treatment and neither has anyone I know. I have personally been harassed and discriminated against.

I'm told I can not use that as an example though because it is something I choose. I do not choose it though. It is the way I am. I could live my life as a completely "normal" heterosexual but it would be a lie. I have tried that. It was extremely stressful. Why should I have to pretend to be someone I am not?

By the way, I am not gay. I am straight (mostly). I am transgender though. I am physically female. I am a male though. I am not a tomboy. I am a guy. I have always felt like a guy. I did not know what transgender was when I was younger but I did feel like a guy. When I was in preschool and kindergarten I thought I was a boy. I even used the boys bathroom. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for that.

If I live my life as a girl, even as a tomboy/masculine female I am still treated as a girl most of the time. I am not a girl though. I am a guy.

Debates in Cisco

2007-11-15T08:48:00.000-05:00

I'm in Cisco class. We've been talking about religion and politics for the past hour though. I'm all for talking about religion and politics but these guys won't let me get a word in. We're talking about terrorism, and Israel and all of that good stuff. I want to bang my head against the desk right now. Apparently, I have had it very easy because I was born in America and my parents were born in America. Okay, true, I do not have to worry about my family over seas. Okay, sure, fine. Do I have it easy? That's debatable.

I'm told that I do not care about people dying over seas. Maybe I am not closely related to the Arabic and Israeli people that are over there dying. I still care though. When I hear about the fighting I feel horrible. I have cried myself to sleep about all of those people dying. All of that hate. No, I do not have to worry about people invading my house or bombing my house or anything. My heart goes out to the people that do though. Am I a bad person because I am not related to those people? I empathize with them greatly.