The Menopausal Housewife

I'm going to get better at this.. I swear!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 18:57:00 +0000

Seems I space off updating, but since I've posted three times this year, I figure I'm doing better than last year. And hey! I've TECHNICALLY posted three times in a little over a months. That's really good for me right? *grins*

My father was here for a week visiting from Kansas. It was nice to have him here. And Buddy, the big headed wonder dog fell in love. He got as close to the "man who scratches my head" and stuck to him like glue. Since he left, the dog is in mourning. He wanders up and down the hall, sits in front of the couch looking wistfully at the spot my father sat in, and then wanders again. Poor big headed puppy. Puppy hell, he's actually getting old enough that it's making me nervous. We have had him forever and I'm dreading "that" day. Hopefully he is one of those really long living dogs that seem to have a shelf life that doesn't expire.

I haven't mentioned it here yet.. but.. "Hi, my name is Carol and I'm a coupon addict." Ok. I've said it. I admit it. I'm not near as bad as that show on TLC. I can go weeks without doing a single shopping trip, but I damned sure don't miss my 4AM run to the paper machine come Sunday morning. You never know what you will miss out on if you do that! I've gotten behind on clipping and organizing with my Dad coming in, and my stuff is a mess! So I have to get that fixed in the next few days. I've made some fantastic hauls and have saved enough money to purchase a dishwasher with from the savings. And I've helped stock up my Sister, and mother in law on a bunch of stuff they need and use. So it has its rewards. I add this in to warn you.. at times I will be dancing around my blog with the giddy news that I saved $160 bucks on a store run. So if you are easily annoyed by a cheerful shopper.. you may want to skip those days. *winks*

Am I really that old? Wait... don't answer that!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 22:16:00 +0000

It's hard for me to believe that I am the mother of adult children. To say the words "My daughter came home to visit." just shocks me even as the words tumble from my mouth. I look at her and still see the two pound baby I brought home from the hospital, and my instinct screams out "You can't go out that late at night!" or "Go to your room!" to keep her from wandering back out there, in the real world where adult children belong. Empty nest Syndrome? I'm not sure if that's what it is since my oldest son is still living on my couch and the baby (who is far from a baby at 13) is still home... But I suppose it would be close to what life is right now.

At some point, there is a line that we parents have to find in the sand. That line that has us teetering between raising a child and letting them go. And that line just.. sucks! That's where I am now. Trying to figure out how to be diplomatic, watchful and more important.. silent on matters that my adult children just have to figure out on their own. If I bit my nails, they'd be bloody nubs by now I tell you. I'm not always successful at keeping my mouth shut, but I can say I'm trying. Today is one of those days where I'm wishing I had a time machine so I could get a cuddle from a little precocious girl that thought she was a princess as she jumped on her bed. I think I would hop on the bed and jump with her instead of scolding her. Because after all, hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? And If I knew then that someday, I would be staring at her empty, unmade bed and wishing she were jumping on it.. I would have taken that moment to enjoy it with her rather than try to save the box springs.

I've been sick of the same old thing night after night when making dinner. So, being the adventurous person I am.. (Shaddup. I am too adventurous!) I have been trying out new recipes lately. Bill came into the kitchen earlier today and asks "Whats for dinner?" to which I replied "Its a Guinea pig night." which is code for, I'm trying something new and you may or may not be vomiting uncontrollably in a few hours. He sighed. Looked down, then looked back up with that look of resigned despair and said "Ok.. looking forward to it." and then moped back to watch TV. I started making dinner and here comes Joe, peeking into the kitchen to ask what I'm making. "Tuna patties." I said and held up my hand "You don't have to like it, but you do have to try it." I said for the first time today, but certainly not the last time. "What else are you making with it?" My politically correct son asks. "Your father requested Mac and Cheese." I said and he visibly cheered up before asking "Oh good.. You're making a lot of that right?"

I know the thought process there. I can see it written on the kids face as plain as if it were permanent marker. "If I don't like that crap she's making, I wont starve if there's enough Mac and Cheese!"

I replied with a sigh and a nod "Yes dear. there will be plenty to fall back on so you wont waste away."

The Tuna patties turned out great. Each person at the table ate two I believe, and to Davids credit.. he didn't even flinch when I put them on the table. (David is our new son. He came to live with us almost a year ago after he was kicked out of his parents house. I'm sure I haven't told that story yet, but It will be coming soon.)

Two of the kittens have found new homes. We miss both of them and their antics, but they are now living at my sisters house and keeping the mice out of her shed. We have kept Momma kitty, and the two gray kittens. We chose the two grays for fear that we would wind up giving Curious to someone by mistake.. so Scaredy Cat stays since they look pretty much identical. They have started wandering off to hunt, leaving me standing on the porch hollering "Kittens.... Kittens!!!.... KITTENS!!!" with a bowl of food in hand. I keep finding myself afraid that they wont return from one of those hunts. And yes, they answer to the call of Kittens. They have attributes that remind me of a dog. The door opens, they are right there. If I pull up in the car, they dart to my feet to hop around and greet me. Simply adorable little things.

Introducing.... Bob and Bobo. Bobo came first. He is a miniature horse and was purchased for my nieces and nephews to ride. I don't care if he is only like three feet tall, he has teeth. I keep my distance. Then Bill was determined to get a horse for Joe to ride. Hence Bob came to live with us. Bob was named before we got him, the likeness in names for the horses was not on purpose. LOL. They are the best of friends. Its amusing to watch them out of my kitchen window while I'm cooking. If one gets too far from the other, the one left behind will gallop full speed until he catches up. Once, the little wily one managed to get out of the corral to find freedom.. or longer grass.. on the other side. Bob about broke his neck trying to get out so he could be beside Bobo.
I have a fear of horses that others find amusing. But damnit... those suckers have very large teeth! Not to mention, the thought of riding one and having no control over what it chooses to do makes me more likely to play with a spider than ride them. And we all know how I react to spiders.

Out of the ashes....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 06:25:00 +0000

Wow it's been a very long time since I have posted. The last few years have been a myriad of good days, bad days and worse days that have all blended together culminating in a feeling of "waking up" a few months ago. I suppose if I were to be perfectly honest, I would admit that I've been battling depression. Saying it brings a whole new meaning to
it in my mind, even now. I'm not sure where it broke for me, what drove me into that small cave of emotional shelter, but I'll assume it was just a culmination of stress, the move and so much that I'd not faced. I still have good days and bad days, but I'm pleased that lately.. most are good. And it's nice to be back. I'm sure I'll post more about it at some point, and we all know I do love to chit-chat so that's a pretty solid guarantee, but right now.. I just really want to start blogging again. I've missed it.. and the people that I had met and enjoyed bantering with.

For a first post, to eaaaase back into it... LOL... I'll start with the obligatory kitten pictures. What... you figured that there were no kittens in the picture? Please! This house is still the home for unwed mother/animals. There are currently four kittens hanging off the mothers teat on my front porch. And .. if that weren't enough, there are either eight, or nine puppies hanging off the momma dog in the back yard. I swear if there is an animal with a belly full of babies within a nine mile radius of my home.. they will wind up living here. *Le sigh*

Momma kitty showed up out of the blue, feral and un-trusting a while back. It took me months to get her to allow me to pet her, and now I couldn't shoo her away from the house if I strapped dynamite to her rump. And by the time I could touch her, I realized she was already knocked up. Where is the kitty planned parenting classes when you need them? She has taken up residence on the front porch, and these kittens are the least people skittish kittens I have ever seen. The second the door opens, they all group up for the "We want food, do you have food? Where's the food??" pity party. Said pity party just so happens to ALWAYS block the front door so I can't actually open it TO feed them. The logic there eludes them apparently, because breaking them of that is proving to be rather ... impossible. The puppies are mildly cute, but they are hound dog pups and as such when I look at them, all I can see is the future howling I will have to put up with. Kittens are so much quieter. LOL.

As always... Pictures. Yep, that didn't change. Actually, it will probably be worse than ever. I got a new camera and LURVE to take pictures!

Curious George. This kitty is fearless. He gets into everything and is the ham of the group. If I'm outside, he is sitting as close to me as he can get. His eyes are blue, and yes I enhanced them just a bit for the picture.. just cause it was purty!

Midnight. He is fuzzy and reminds me of a very scared bear. Any loud noise will find him pelting for the safety of the floorboards of my porch, where he will peek from accusingly.

OJ. Or Garfield. There is a debate over this one's name. My MIL calls her Orange Juice and my son calls her Garfield. I call her O.J. And she is usually peering from behind something, seemingly trying to proclaim her innocence. I can almost hear her thinking... "If it doesn't fit.. You must acquit!!!"

I'm sure you can understand why the name Scaredy Cat has stuck. That pose is his go-to pose whenever one of the human type people is paying attention to him. It makes for some very comical moments I assure you.

And there is Momma cat with one of the babies. I think that's Midnight as I'm looking at it. I've lectured her on the power of planned parenting, now I just have to actually coax her into a cat carrier without getting my arm shredded off and take her in to get fixed!

Profanity Abounds!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 02:40:00 +0000

Warning: The language in this entry may offend

I just had to get my rating above a PG status, cause that is just LAME!

The week has been as bad as I thought it would. I haven’t been able to sleep past 5AM… Five in the morning people. That is just ridiculous. I have been getting up and getting the kids off to school, then getting dressed and heading outside. We have cleaned up the yard, dug a footer, mixed a metric ton of concrete which entails carrying ten assloads of sand, rock and mortar mix, dumping it all into a wheelbarrow and then mixing it like a giant batch of cake batter . Then we have poured the footer full of concrete mix (really you would be surprised at how much concrete mix that takes.. It is fucking ridiculous) And moved a shitpot of concrete blocks. Tomorrow we start ‘laying block’. I. Am. So. Excited. Can you tell? I have taken some pictures of our predicament and will post them at the end of this entry. Let’s just suffice it to say that it is a fucking miracle that my house has not broken in half and slid down the hill into the river. Twigs I tell you… and Rotted Twigs to boot. I must have been a mass murderer of priests in my past life.. Cause the God’s of karma really have a great time shitting on me. If I had know then what I know now, we would have bulldozed this house and built a new one. It would have been cheaper and easier than fixing up this raggedy piece of shit. Fucking TWIGS.

I am taking up Robyn’s call to action and bringing the ‘Hubba Hubba’ back.
True story. While we were living in Germany I took Joe to the Commissary on a grocery shopping trip. As we were going down the aisle, my then two year old son was trying to cajole cookies and cakes, raisins and cereal full of sugar out of me in a non-stop flow of whining and begging. I studiously ignored him while I selected the meats that would keep the carnivores in my house from killing and eating each other. As we rounded the corner into what I now call “Diaper Hell” Joe caught site of a woman that was selecting (if I remember correctly) a box of diaper wipes and was in mid ‘stretch’ to get them off of a high shelf. My sons incessant begging ceased with a screeching halt as he took in the woman and how she was dressed, the Daisy Duke shorts and halter top apparently impressed him and he said very loudly “HUBBA HUBBA!”.
I immediately backed up and beat a hasty retreat while cursing the ground his father walked on and holding the shopping cart handle with white knuckles. I was unsure whether to laugh or jump into the gaping hole that had opened up to swallow my embarrassed ass. Hubba Hubba!!

New TV Show’s Review’s:

Bionic Woman: If the show stays as good as the first episode then I would say that this one will be one of the best shows of the season. I do not see this one being cancelled any time soon and I think I will settle in to watch it. My only issue is that it conflicts with another two shows that I DVR so it Is going to make me have to make some choices. Blech!

Cane: The Sopranos of the Sugar industry. This show started a bit slow for me but overall it seems good. Bill really liked it, which says a whole lot in itself.

Journeyman: I have this one DVR’d and haven’t watched it yet. Bill watched it though and said he didn’t like it, but Robyn and a few others over at http://www.bitchypoo.com/ said they thought it was great so I am going to give it the good old fashion College try.

Moonlight: I have this one DVR’d also but caught bits and pieces of it. If it is supposed to replace Buffy or Angel they are in trouble from what I saw. I will try to watch the whole thing tonight though.

Life: This one seems Ok. I’m still on the fence. The guy gets out of prison, wins a suit for tons of money and then goes back to work for the police department after being wrongly convicted. Ummm eh? I am not in line with the concept of it I guess and his neurosis just drives me batty. I’m going to try another episode to see If it was just opening show issues.

Kid Nation: The show is good, the content good, challenges are cool, but the whole time I am watching this show I am thinking “who sent their child to do this at 8 years old?” Joe will be ten this week and I cannot imagine letting him go do something like that. When that little boy said “I just think I am too young to do something like this” I wanted to reach through the TV and give him a great big hug. Poor baby!

K-Ville: I started watching this one and all I have to say Is that after a few minutes I totally lost interest in it and cannot remember a thing that happened on it.

Chuck: This one is quite funny and one of the better comedy shows out there. A guy working for “Nerd Squad” (I think that was the name) gets all of the secrets of the government downloaded into his brain. How he deals with the situation is funny and his best friend is a hilarious sidekick. I guffawed within the first two minutes… a good sign.

Reaper: This is a new show on the CW. It is about a boy who upon turning 21 finds out that his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born. He has to serve the devil by catching runaway souls and sending them back to hell. I thought it was a great show and full of comedy. I’ll keep watching it.

I have been watching the new season of Meerkat Manor and while I love the show I just don’t know if I can watch it anymore. I get too friggin emotional. It seems like every week one of the babies is eaten by a Gawzhawk thingy or something and tonight’s episode just did me in. I sat there and bawled like a little bitch. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. I am simply too damned emotional to watch that show. As I lay with my head on Bill’s chest sobbing I asked him what in the hell was wrong with me that I was grieving so hard over an animal that I have never seen in person?

CSI, NCIS, Law and Order SVU and the Unit started back up and did not let me down and I really am looking forward to Sunday for the start of Dexter! Those are my usual shows with a few others thrown in the mix. I try to watch the new ones at least once or twice to see if I will find a new one to stick with. However, after falling in lurve with Conviction and having it cancelled out from under me after one short season, I usually get pissed. The ones I wind up liking are usually the ones that don’t make the cut.

Tomorrow is an early, early day (6am breakfast will be served) and then we start laying the block and fixing the foundation. It will be a day filled with hard work, heavy lifting and lots of run ins with nasty, hairy spiders. I am so excited. Someone save me!

This is what is holding my kitchen up. Now, those there concrete blocks that are next to it? Those weren't there. We stacked those under it so that it wouldn't fall while we do the permanent blocking. Twig!

Yep, those are blocks of wood. Go figure. At least there are a couple more on this side than the other. However, you see that wood that is above the flag that fell off the wall? That there wood is rotted from the water that would accumulate on my porch. Yes, the porch that we had to rip off. Yes, the same porch that I just pressure washed and refinished.

And this is my hallway flooring. See what is going on there? That there is a crack that runs the length of my hallway floor. Not to mention the giant hump that runs through it. Oh and the fact that everything is kind of downhill.

What do you mean the week hasn't started yet?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 05:28:00 +0000

What a weekend! I am looking forward to the week to be over and it hasn’t even started yet! Friday night I stayed over at Mom’s until the wee hours of the morning unpacking and putting stuff away. Saturday we got her bed moved and set up, finished unpacking, and went to the Black Gold parade. Both of my lovely older children were marching so I had no way out. The parade wasn’t as bad this year as it was last year. Last year parking was horrid, we had to walk literally MILES to get there from where we parked and it was seriously so hot outside that the heat rose from the sidewalk in plumes of hells fury. This year the weather was much, much cooler. We took a different route to the parade area and scored on a parking spot. We (Bills parents, his sister, her daughter, Bill, Joe and I) parked on the side of the highway, played human Frogger to get across and sat on the guard rail. Much better, even with having to dodge the semi’s. Also… prime spot to gather the candy that they throw off of the floats, a smorgasbord of candy fun! The children are all still in a sugar induced coma.

I laughed my head off at my daughter though. I can’t help it.. She is my source of comic relief. We were on the way to drop her and Dustin off at the bus pick up point and she was so nervous that she couldn’t stop moving. As she twitched in the front seat, Dustin (who had participated in the parade last year (so of course wasn’t very nervous) pounced. “Hey Laura, just make sure you don’t forget to sing the cadence after we do the first pivot set.” She turned in her seat so fast you could hear her neck snapping and with bug eyes and a pitch to her voice so high that dogs in Canada rolled over and dropped dead she screams “Cadence… what cadence.. What are you talking about.. OH MYGOD WHAT CADENCE?” Dustin is laughing and I was trying so hard not to laugh that my eyes were watering. She did not show any signs of calming down before the bus got there and as the bus drove off I remember thinking that she would probably throw up all over her freshly cleaned uniform. We settled in at the parade and as they came marching towards us, I ran out in the street to get a series of pictures of them as they marched towards us. I stepped aside and took a few of them marching past and could not resist the urge to mess with my children.

“Dustin, stand up straight! Yell loud hun, sound off!” I scream at my son as he marches past me. He stared stonily ahead and acted like he never heard a thing. As Laura comes marching towards me I hear my sister in law yelling out “Don’t smile Laura!!” and see that Laura is biting her lip to keep from smiling. “LoLoooooooooo make Mommy proud hun! Don’t smile and stand up straight! I love you honey, MAKE GOOD CHOICES LAURA!” I yell as she passes me. I knew that she would plot my death later, but I just so couldn’t help myself. They both did very well and I was so proud! We let Joe and Brook grab some loot and then took off for the car. The police had blocked off the road for the parade and noticing the little policeman picking up the orange cones, we dove into the car. I slammed it into drive just as before a flood of traffic headed towards us. We couldn’t have timed it any better. We all came home and changed clothes, headed over to the house and helped to do some more finishing touches. We said our goodnights to Mom and Dad and came home to crash.

Today I got up and took the Laura and Joseph to the Black Gold to ride the rides. Dustin was so not interested. We got the $15 wrist bands that allowed them to ride all day long and they set to it. They rode every ride at least once and a couple of them four or five times each. I know they had fun, me.. Not so much. I rode one ride and figured out that I am just too damned old for that crap. I sat on that ride staring at the mechanics that held the little crate that me and Joe were sitting in to the long bar keeping us from hurtling off into space. I stared at the mechanics the whole ride watching to make sure that it was safe, that it wasn’t coming loose, that there wasn’t any rust. I stared at those mechanics and had visions of it breaking off and the car thing hurtling into the crowd with me clinging to my child, streaming through the air. I counted, trying to figure out how much longer we had on this death trap. I tried closing my eyes and wishing myself on the ground. I tried having fun, waving my hands with Joe and almost threw up. I trying to send a telepathic message to the machine operator “let us off of this thing or I will shove a screwdriver through your earlobe”. He either didn’t get the message or it was routed to the wrong damned person, cause shit.. That ride seemed to go on forever. When it finally stopped, I pole vaulted out of it and ran off the platform, dropped to my knees and kissed the ground. Well, ok, I didn’t… but Good Lord, I felt like it! After that, I stayed on the ground and watched the kids. They just shouldn’t sell those damned tickets to anyone over thirty.. Or at least, not to me.

Formation marching by. Dustin is somewhere in the middle, Laura is towards the end.

Ok, lemme see if I can explain this.. Dustin is in the second group marching and he is the fifth one back in this picture, right in front of the girl.

Dustin and Laura dressed up and ready to go. I crack up when I see Buddy at the bottom of the steps in mid lick.

Ok, everyone with me now!!! Who you gonna call?? GHOSTBUSTERS!!!

I laughed my head off at this one! He was the only one driving that thing.. he just walked beside it and steered it.

Ok, the sad thing here is.. when I first saw this coming I wondered which float broke down.. cause a lot of tow trucks down here look like that when there is no parade involved! Not to mention the guy in the passenger seat was holding a pig and petting it like a dog while wearing bib overalls with no shirt under it.

This was the best by far! Click on the picture to see an even larger view. Read the stuff written on the side.
....

Shit a Bucket

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:36:00 +0000

Said by my nephew today: "Eyeee unna sheet buuckeee"
Me: "Beck!? Did that boy just say 'I just shit a bucket?'????"
Beck: (laughing uncontrollably) "No, he said 'I wanna see Buddy'"
Me: "Well thank God, cause if that was what he had said, I was fully prepared to run as fast as I could out of this holler!"
(That kid loves my big headed wonder dog.)

The last few days have been a flurry of moving, setting things, hanging curtains, and generally getting my In-laws settled into their new home. The only thing left is to finish the final touches, unpack the kitchen and move the bed. We are waiting for the cable man to come before we move the bed and they spend their first night in the house, cause good God noone can live without cable these days and my FIL will die without CNN! I can tell you one thing, when I bought that bedroom set that I wound up giving them, I think that I walked in and asked the salesperson to find the heaviest piece of furniture that man has ever made and then to install some extra hidden weight in it for good measure. Damn that shit is heavy! Gorgeous, but HEAVY. We have been putting in about twelve or fourteen hours a day for three or four days to get things done. After the final electrical inspection we were able to start putting in cabinets and hanging curtain rods, putting in the washer and dryer and all that. It's killing us but it is all working out to be one gorgeous house. Well worth the work! If the cable man comes tomorrow, the bed will go over Saturday, if he doesn't come until Monday, then it will be Monday. They are really looking forward to it and I am so very happy for them! On the fifth of October it will be six months to the day that their house burned down with all of their possessions inside. They have a brand new home, built from the ground up and complete except for living room carpeting and all done within six months. To me, that is just amazing. Especially when you think that there has been not one contractor or worker over there. All family. Amazing!

Stealing a Meme and cheating my way into a longer entry cause shit, I am tired and needing to lay down and my brain cells? They are no longer functioning.

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? On my way home from Lowe's. I had to go exchange my MIL's kitchen rack thingy cause it was the wrong color. And of course what trip to Lowe's would be complete without some kind of drama. They couldn't find it until I spotted it hiding out under a pile of a bazillion other things, way close to the ceiling. Blech.

2. Who will your next kiss be with? Bill of course!

3. Do you kiss a lot of people? Well, lets see... My niece and nephew, the kids, Bill of course, I kissed my FIL on the cheek earlier and air kissed Mommy... so I guess I am a kiss-whore.

4. Are you wearing socks right now? Yeppers.

5. When was the last time you went out of state? September 8th, 2005 We were in Kansas getting ready to move here.

6. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? Nope, but Joe is insisting I take him to see the new Resident Evil movie... and SOON. (Cause heaven forbid that he isn't able to see a zombie picture)

7. What was the last thing you had to drink? Mountain Dew

8. What are you wearing right now? Jeans and a t-shirt

9. What was your last purchase? A bakers rack of sorts

10. Last food you ate? One of those Oreo 100 cal cookie packs

11. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Phone? Ohhhh, you mean that thing platered to my daughter's ear? No idea.

12. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope.

13. Do you have a pet? Maybe a few.

14. What’s the last sporting event you watched? A UFC fight.

15. Are you a pirate?What the hell kind of question is this?

16. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be? Asleep. (yawn)

17. What is the last thing you purchased online? It's been so long that I forget.

18. One thing you hate about yourself? So many things, so little time. Always late, procrastionation, etc.... etc...

19. What’s your favorite soup? Chicken Noodle

20. Do you miss anyone? My best friend Kim from Kansas

21. Last play you saw? Play? Eh?

22. What are your plans for the day? Sleeeep. Well after watching the DVR'd episode of Survivor's premiere.

24. Ever go to camp? Yep, I went to a church camp when I was little. I don't remember much about it.

25. Were you an honor roll student in school? Me? Damn, that made me laugh so hard I spit soda out of my nose.

26. What do you know about the future? That tomorrow I will have to wake up way to early.

27. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? Yeppers, Poison.

28. How is one to classify?I don't get this one... huh?

29. Do you have a tan? Nope, I am clear, glow in the dark.. you can see my veins.

30. How old do you want to be when you have kids?I was 17. Way too damn young to have a clue what I was in store for!!

31. Last person who made you cry? Bill... sometimes he can be an ass as well as most of the times being a sweetheart.

Screwdrivers.. Oh my!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 02:02:00 +0000

Conversation held with my husband on the way home from Joe's track meet yesterday evening.

*Kids in the background*

Laura: "And Michelle told me that Charity told her that Robyn told Mel that John was writing notes to Maureen and that was totally not cool because Maureen is dating Todd and John is dating Ashley and just because Ashley used to date Charitys boyfriend before she started dating Todd, John thinks it is ok to write notes to whoever he wants too."

Dustin: " Yeah well hey Mom, you won't believe it, Sarge told me that I was going to be promoted since the old leaders aren't doing their jobs right and I have been really making sure that I do everything right... Isn't that cool Mom?"

Me: "Mhmmmm that's great son"

Joe: "My ankle really hurts, we started running and I fell over that kid that fell and hit his head, he was goofy, didn't he see everyone else running this way *flings hand in front of Dustins face* instead of going this way *flings hand in front of Laura's face* and I wanted to tell him that they teach us how to tell directions in like kindergarten but he was crying real hard and Hey Mom, did you see how his head bounced off the concrete, I mean it bounced. I was like, Dude and then fell over him."

Laura: "And then Todd and John got into a fight and it got really bad and then those giggle girls that all hang out together like a pack of wild dogs.. you know which ones mom? Yeah, those girls.. they had to all get in and like tell everyone else and then there was a fight with Maureen with one of those girls and they were like in each others faces and I thought they were going to fight and I like told Maureen she would get kicked out of school and like....."

Fade to the front seat. Bill is staring at the road with eyes the size of pop bottles as a car drives directly towards me in my lane. I barely notice that my lane is the size of a bike lane and swerve to avoid them, take the curve and ask him what's wrong.

Bill: "My God, if I had to listen to this and deal with the idiots on this road very often I would stab myself in the head with a screwdriver!!"

Me: "Welcome to my world dear, grab a seat and hang on.. by the way, it will definately be a bumpy ride cause this road is shit."

Bill: "Seriously, how do you stand all this... do you hear her, she is still talking... does she stop to breath? Does she realize that noone is listening anymore?" (his voice is slightly crazed here)

Me: "What do you mean dear, I heard every word she said."

Bill: "No you didn't you were talking to me."

Me: I repeat what she said and make a comment to her about making sure she stays out of all the mess and look back to him with a smug look.

Bill: "You kind of scare me sometimes you know."

I am starting a new job next week. I will be working as a cashier for K-Mart during the day part time. I figure it will get me out of the house a bit, Not to mention I am sure it will give me more crap to blog about. Think of the possibilities... working with mean people, customers yelling, the fact that I am sure I will be like, dead after the first four hours since our K-Mart has about two cashiers at any given time. Oh, the possibilities people, feel the excitement!!! I'm just thinking about the extra money for shopping and nails, and oh, yeah... the savings account.

TaDaaaaa!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:58:00 +0000

Well, I am able to work on the computer for longer short bursts. I have figured out through many headaches, screaming matches and threats of hell fire and damnation that if I prop my laptop up on little blocks of wood, turn the AC down to the "snow" setting and aim the fan directly at the stupid thing that it will work long enough to do a few things online. A new computer is in the works and then I will be back from my "Hiatus". That sounds like a word for a fancy vacation. It sure doesn't sound like the hell you are submerged in when your laptop decides to sit its fan parts at you and the other decides that even with the offers of sexual favors it will never turn on again. Oh, and words of wisdom, if you have a warranty on your computer, don't pry it open to see if a cord is unplugged. It kind of deflates the warranty and in essence you wind up with a thousand dollar paperweight. Blech!

Things have been moving here very quickly. I'll try to sum it up for you, short and sweet...

The kittens were all found good homes, I miss them something fierce, but I'm sure that more will show up under the house soon. I have some cute pics on my memory stick I will share soon.

Mom's house is pretty much done, we finished all the painting and all that is left is putting the sink in the kitchen, the baseboards down and hooking up the water heater. Well and the living room carpet but they are going to wait on that for now and just throw throw rugs down over the subflooring. The money situation has limitted the carpet situation. The house is gorgeous though, it will never be the same, but it is a pretty house and big enough for them but not so big it will kill her to keep up with it.

The kids sports seasons have started up and between running for ROTC for Dustin and Laura and Cross Country for Joe and Basketball for Laura and Cheerleader tryouts, I am carazee! The drive every day is starting to become so redundant that I find myself daydreaming to pass the time. Forty five minutes eachway every single day gives much time to "win the lottery" or go back in time and be taken captive by a gorgeous Indian Warrior, among other scenarios.

Joe had his first Cross Country meet tonight. He finished 31st because he fell and sprained his ankle. Toward the end of the run he was winding down and was trying to come off the field and sit. I pushed him to run it, to finish. I ran beside him and clapped, yelling like a goober... "Push Joe, you can do it. Finish this run Joe, you aren't a quitter, come on my boy, Mommy is so proud of you!!! Whooooo, come on run Joe, don't stop... you can finish it son!!!"
I felt guilty the whole time, his ankle hurt! And I was making him run on it! What kind of mother am I? I wanted him to finish, to learn to push through and not quit, even if you limp across the finish line you have to keep going!! But, my baby was hurt!

I think I will go cuddle next to him now. This child will never leave home... I'll feel guilty about making him move away from home at the age of forty!

Bill Gates Bastard Stepchilds Playground

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 02:36:00 +0000

I am taking the next two seconds that I hope and pray I have to let ya'll know that I am not dead. Master Laptop Toshiba piece of shit has developed a fan issue and is shutting down every time I turn it on and no warning, just bloop, black screen. My other laptop is in the shop with my begging to have it down as soon as possible. I think I may have offered sexual favors if it is done quickly.. can't remember with all the begging I did. This one is killing me and the one in the shop I took apart before Mom's house fire to fix the modem and messed up the monitor while doing it. So, I am not dead, not ignoring you and miss you all horribly but Bill Gates is wreaking havoc on my aura because I talked shit about his Bastard Stepchild's Playground and my internet issues. I think I pissed off the computer charma gods when I spoke ill of the internet provider from hell. Ok, going to post this before it shuts down, I have been on for like. twenty seconds.
To My daipering Momma... I miss you toooooo!!!! Somfin Awful!!!!!!!!

Forgetful Chores

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 03:01:00 +0000

Editted: We are watching Man VS Wild and for one, does this man have any brains? I keep waiting to see him leap off of one of those cliffs and slip on all that loose rock and break his ankle. But, no, he keeps on trucking. But, I think one of those Reality Clip Show moments came when I heard this....
"I'll have to drink my own Pee."
Ummmm for one, I would whip out my cell phone and have someone pick me up. It is one thing to be out in the middle of nowhere, stranded and in danger of dying and have to drink your own Pee. It is quite another to go out there on purpose and have a way out and drink Pee. Gaross! And then not only do we have to watch him pee into a canteen, but he drinks it on camera. Why does my husband make me watch this show? Someone help me!!!!!

I was cleaning the two bathrooms simultaneously (what? It can be done, trust me) and started scooping the litter box. Seriously, I think that I am feeding her way too much. If that is what is going on in one day with one cat, God help me when the kittens start using the stupid thing! The kittens are getting so big. It is amazing how fast they grow. They are gaining strength in their legs and I want to pull them out to play so bad. Momma kitty gets so pissed when I cuddle with one. She sits and stares at me and meows her head off. Selfish ass cat. Speaking of Momma kitty. It is like the babies have sucked the soul right out of her. She doesn’t cuddle with me anymore, she doesn’t sleep with me at all, I was used to her wrapping her body around my head at night and if I sat down she was on my leg before I was sitting all the way down. Now I go to pet her and she acts like my fingertips have fire shooting out of them. She ducks and dives and wont let me touch her. I miss my old kitty, but I guess she is in Momma mode and doesn’t have time for me anymore. Wah!!

I have spent the whole day doing ‘forgetful chores’. What are ‘forgetful chores’ you ask? Well, dear reader, I shall tell you what ‘forgetful chores’ are. Those are the chores that you do after a surgeon removes your insides and throws you into menopause at the age of 31 instead of say… 40-45 like your supposed to. ‘Forgetful chores’ are when I go into the bathroom and put Sno Bol in the toilet, remember that the toilet bowl brush is outside from using it to clean the cat box, so I go out to get it, see a piece of trash on the ground, pick it up and take it to the container, see a weed in the flower bed and go over to pull it, seeing that the flowers need to be watered I grab the hose and water the flowers. Running the water reminds me that I need to do the dishes so I go in the house and fill the sink and stack the dishes. While I’m waiting for the water to fill I sweep the kitchen floor and start looking for the dustpan. Not able to find the dustpan in the kitchen, I start searching all over the house and find it sitting next to the trash can in the bathroom, which reminds me that I was going to get the toilet bowl brush, so I go get it and realize on the way past that I’ve left the water running in the sink. Shutting it off I grab the mop to clean up the water that has overflowed all over the floor. I let some water out of the sink and do the dishes up and realize it is time to start dinner so I go to the laundry room to dig in the deep freezer for meat. Seeing that the towels are dry I fold them and start another load. Putting the towels away I realize that I still haven’t gotten the toilet bowl brush so I start through the kitchen to go outside and realize I forgot the meat. Shit! That has to be done now in order for dinner to get on the table at a decent time so I run to the back and grab the meat, throwing it in to defrost I head over to get the side items going and start putting the dishes away. We sit down and eat and as I’m cleaning up the dishes I hear…

“Carol, the toilet has Sno Bol in it.”

“Just flush the fucking toilet!”

I’m exhausted and I still haven’t cleaned the stupid toilet. What’s worse, you can’t tell I have done a damned thing around here but I am run to death. Why does Primerin have to have breast cancer issues? I wasn’t this scatterbrained when I was taking it. Not to mention my body didn’t break out in a flush with it racing throughout my body to escape via steam holes in my ears. My hot flashes are hilarious. Well, for others to watch but not for me. It starts out with one small spot on my thigh. It is about as big around as a silver dollar and that one spot gets incredibly hot. Then it starts to get bigger and bigger, spreading out over my body. It spreads until my whole body is flushed and then it intensifies into my ears. The tips of my ears wind up flaming red and burning hot. My mother in law laughs her head off at my cartoon red ear tips. Men suck!

Mom’s house is close to done. They are finishing up the last two rooms with the sheetrock tomorrow. There are two rooms painted and another will be done tomorrow. So, it is speeding along now. I still haven’t remembered to take my camera over to take pictures. What? Haven’t I mentioned that I keep forgetting shit? Yeah, brainless.

Bust a Move

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 07:01:00 +0000

Warning~ This will probably be like, the longest.. Like… entry in history. I slacked off this week on updating because the Karmic God of bizeeness (it’s a new word, really, look it up.. Ok, I made it up) was kicking my ass! I have been so busy that I woke up this morning and did not have a clue that it was Friday and certainly did not have any idea that it was the 6th… err, the 7th now, since it is after 1am. I swear I thought it was around the first of the month. I know.. I should have remembered watching those big ole sparklers going off in the sky about two or three days ago, but it just didn’t click. Lets see if I can catch you up on the week without making you fall asleep.

Monday I already told you about. The blue mat of death remember? Yeah, that was soooo much fun!

Tuesday was just a blast. I was in the middle of putting yet another coat of paint on the hall doors and was burning up. I mean, it was so hot in this house that the sweat was beading on my forehead! I was hotter than a Whore in church on judgment day. I was hotter than a two puckered puppy in a fucking contest. Ok, that saying never did make much sense to me… Where do you find a two puckered puppy and why does the spell check keep doing that. Pecker damnit…. Not pucker you stupid Toshiba asshole… I know what I am trying to type, stop it! Peckered There! Take that you Toshiba mutt! Anyway… it was hot. I checked the thermostat and it was like 84 degrees in this house. I had the air conditioner set on 70.
“Shit! Bill! The Air isn’t working again!”
“Well, is it the filter again?”
“No, I just changed the filter, it can’t be that.”
“Check to see if it is froze up!”
“I am!” I scream as I am gathering up my ‘take the air conditioner apart tools’ I go outside and take the cover off and sure enough there is ice covering the coil. As I muttered cuss words that even a sailor would have wondered what I was talking about.. I cleaned the coil and got all the ice off. I came back inside and turned it on. While I continued painting I kept an eye on the thermostat. Ok, I did more than keep an eye on it. I would roll one line on and stomp over to see if the numbers were changing. When I saw that after an hour it had actually gotten hotter by two degrees, I picked up the phone book. I called the guy we had install the thing and of course got an answering machine. I am NOT dealing with no air conditioning, so I started calling around. The first asshole that answered the phone got my business. I am surprised at all the businesses that have an answering machine take care of their calls. I am so not leaving a message on the machine. If you want me to give you my money, at least answer your business phone. I get this guy out here and he says that he will check it out for a service fee of $60. Of course. He checks the freon, checks the pressure and nothing was wrong. He waited a few minutes and kicked it back on (he had me turn it off when he first got here) He checked the pressures again and nothing was wrong, nada. He looked at all the vent work and told me that the intake vent that pulls the air outside of the house is too small. It is supposed to be double the size that we have.

So, off to Lowe’s I go. I got OSB, Aluminum tape, a vent cover, and a large bottle of vodka. Ok, I skipped the vodka, but you get the drift. I come home and with Bill bossing, Dad and I cut a hole out in my wall, built a box for the return, moved it from one hole to the other and installed the vent cover. Now, that sounds like it was easy, but trust me, it so wasn’t. Well, it was easy, It was just messy as hell and cost another $70 in supplies. So, $120 to fix the Air. But, it is working awesome now, not to mention since we moved the vent to where it is in the wall, I don’t have to change the filter every other day. That moron that put it in put it on the floor right in front of the kitchen door so it got FILTHY from foot traffic. Did I mention that he is a moron? Ok, just making sure. Now I just have to find hard wood flooring to match mine to patch the damned hole in the floor. It never ends people, never ends. Rent while you can!

We worked on that until almost 11 pm so that was Tuesday, gone in a flash.

Wednesday we went to my sisters house for a cook out and then to the fireworks show. That was a blast. At the cookout we made hot dogs and hamburger, ran out of water with the kids playing on the water blow up slide thing and hell, that got me out of having to do dishes. “Oh, Beck, the water ran out, I was just fixin to do up all these here dishes, but… oops, no water. So sorry!”

We went to town to see the fireworks show. The city’s show is great, you can tell they spent some money on it. The parking lots fill up fast so we went a bit early and sat talking to Beck and her husband. My kids were hilarious. Laura was checking out the boys so fast that she got a serious case of whiplash and had to be put in a neck brace, Dustin fell asleep in the backseat and Joseph was dancing to the music from the live band and had us laughing so hard that I almost wet myself. I will put pictures at the end of this post, I of course documented the dance moves. I took a video but it is so dark that you can’t see anything but a dark shadow. I think I may have him do it again here at the house so I can get it on video. It was hilarious!! My son is the funniest kid on the planet. I swear to God, his teachers either Love him or hate him. Some think that he is cute, the teachers pet, class clown. Others hate him because he IS a class clown. Each year it is a crap shoot. Speaking of school… I can’t believe that school starts on August 7th down here! Almost two weeks earlier than where I am from and lets out later. Not that my heart is breaking with them in school or anything.. The silence… Ahhhhh! But, that means there will be sports and Rotc and sports and after school programs and sports. Blech, I will be driving all over. Oh well, they have fun and that’s what counts right?

Thursday… What the hell did I do yesterday. Hmmmm It’s not coming to me right now. *tap, tap, tap* still nothing. Ok, shit, that was just yesterday. What the hell did I do? Ohhhhh paint. I painted the two main walls in the living room and half the ceiling. I had to put three coats on and could only do half the room because I had to move my Shrunk so that I could paint the rest of it. Which is what I did today. It takes me pretty much all day to move my Shrunk because I have to take all the crystal out, clean it, move the pieces and then clean all the glass and put it all back together. And of course I do this at a snails pace because I am an anal retentive asshole that can’t stand a fleck of lint being in there on the glass. It is dusty five minutes after I am done, but for that five minute time frame, I want it to look AWSOME. I love that Shrunk, I worked my ass off while we were stationed in Germany to buy that thing and all the stuff in it. I tell my kids that I am having it buried with me, in reality I will give it to Laura when she gets older. My boys will just marry some hoochie Bitch that will either paint it or sell it and wont dust it the way it is supposed to be done. My daughter knows better! Plus, she loves it. The boys will inherit the guns and fishing poles. What a legacy I am leaving huh?

So, tomorrow I am going to finish painting this living room. Blech, I am so tired of dealing with this bullshit that I could puke. This has to be done in stages.. Very long, drawn out stages. But, it is looking great so far.

I pre-ordered my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows the other day. I am looking forward to the release date so much! I LOVE the books and the only thing I hate is that they are ending. I really think that she could stretch these out into Harry’s 40’s! Is it wrong that I pre-order the copy, don’t move from the spot that I plant myself at for two days and only after I finish reading it, let my kids read it? If it is wrong, then I am guilty. And don’t care! LOL
I overheard my daughter on the phone the other day

“Oh, I know we will be going to see the Harry Potter movie.. That is the one movie I can say we will definitely go see cause my mom is a Harry Potter freak.” At least I blushed a tad.

The picture totally does not do the dance justice. I have to get him to do that on video!

"Bust a move!"

The blue mat of death

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 03:45:00 +0000

I am currently involved in a DIY quagmire! I need Bob Villa to bring his old ass here and help me out! In order to replace the window I have to basically redo my whole living room and hallway. Blech! Last night and today I worked on painting the doors and that has been about all that I have gotten done. I have put two coats on each door and casing and still need to put another coat on them! And I haven’t even started on the nine miles of crown molding, sanding the patching work on the drywall and haven’t even started thinking of painting the walls and ceiling. I love my window but boy this is getting carazee! Does someone love to paint and want to spend a few days in the country? Takers? Takers?! Come on people, you know you want to come and paint, and paint and paint a little more! I’ll cook you Fried Green Tomatos! Fine! When I go ‘Paint Crazy’ you remember that I asked for your help. You could have saved my sanity!!

I took a break from the massive amounts of painting that I think I may have mentioned and took my kids to the water park today along with my Sister and her kids. We had a blast! I took my old ass up the twenty flights of steps to the top of the water slide steps. I am standing there on a landing waiting in line behind the forty little children in front of me, my sister behind me and holding my blue mat of death in my hands. As I look down from the birds eye view that I have and see the little ant like image of my nephew I was thinking “what the hell am I doing up here?” I tell my sister in law that I don’t belong up there and the chicken impersonations started. As the line grew shorter, the little children hopping on the blue mats of death and hurtling down the water filled slide, I started to ask the questions that I probably should have asked before I launched my ass up the steps.

“Ok, how in the hell does this work, how do I get on this little thing? I don’t have to like, hop on it do I?”

“No, you just lay it on the ground, but make sure you use a foot to anchor it or it will shoot off without you, hang onto the railing and sit down. That’s it.” my sister says in between fits of laughter.

“Shut up Beck, just shut up.”

I’m peering over the little heads in line in front of me, catching sight of the little pool of water, the shoot to the slide and how the kids were doing it. It didn’t look too hard, I figured I could do it. I get to the front of the line and start to step into the little pool, it was slippery, water shooting all over the place and hell, I could have fell and broke a hip. I must have been going pretty slow cause there were two or three kids that shot out of there before I got my ass on my death mat. I grab the railing and start to place my mat where it is supposed to go. That little sucker tried to shoot out of my hand! I quick step and get my foot on it, almost biting it but managed to grab it. I manuever my big ass around and find myself finally sitting on the thing. Then I find that I am not moving. Hmmm. I give my ass a shimmy shove and start off. I’m thinking, “Wow, this isn’t very bad, I was afraid it would shoot me out of there like a bottle rocket but I was gently moving along.” I hear Beck behind me telling the little girl waiting for me to get to the bottom that she may as well have a seat cause it was going to be awhile and was mentally leaving myself a note to smack her upside the head when I felt the lurch/slide. Everything got really slippery and the next thing I know, I am hurtling down the slide at breakneck speed. I stick my hands out and try to slow myself down by latching onto the sides but that doesn’t do anything but burn my hands. Halfway down as I was being slung up way high on the wall in the middle of a turn, I thought that sitting up might be making me go higher on the wall through the turns so I lay down. This is not the smartest thing to do when you are exiting the shoot of death. I shoot out of there like a spit wad from a ten year olds straw and instantly find myself under the water. Not just under it, but shooting through it, all of the water in the landing pool shooting up my nose and touching my brain. It will take months for the chlorine burn to heal on my frontal lobe! I’m thinking that at 34 years old, I am too old to be going down a water slide. Either that or the age progression from menopause has sucked the fun out of me. I had more fun watching my nephew macking on a little girl in the kiddie pool!

The kittens are starting to take their first steps. It is adorable to see them trying to stand on their little tiny legs, all wobbly but determined. There is one that is extremely vocal. She/he bleats like a baby goat any time you move her/him. It drives momma cat to insanity and she runs back and forth to the box trying to settle it down. I think in the next few days they will start walking on their own and running around. I can’t wait to have little kittens playing around the house!

Here is a video of the kittens. There are some lighting issues but you can see them quite well.

Another short clip of the kittens

Kitten pictures:

"Ok, see that toe over there, I am going to pounce and start to tickle it, you... now here's where you come in, you have to come over and nip on it, OK"

"Hmmmm what? What's that smell?"

Realizing that there are plans to adopt the kittens out, this one starts early to try to earn a place in the current household.

"Ok, look lady... that wussy pussy didn't listen to me before, didn't have my back at all... so here's how it's gonna go.... I'm going to pounce, then tickle the toe. You, you jump in and start nipping... huh? What's that? It's YOUR toe I'm talking about? Damn!"

How could I resist these blue eyes????

The start of the DIY mess.

We had to rip the siding off and put it back on later, but you can tell what the house used to look like before siding was put on it. I think it is prettier but there is a lot of work involved in having that wood stuff on the outside.

I got a little nervous seeing it like that. Ok, a lot nervous!

Finished window. I will take another once we get the casing up and all that. I LOVE this window!!!

I'm a Rockin Girl! :0)

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 03:37:00 +0000

Hey, check it out! I got an award! AndreAnna picked me for this Rockin Girl Blogger award and I think she is awesome for the wonderful things she said about me! Thanks AndreAnna, you are the sweetest chick on the net!! And you are the bestest Blog friend a girl could ever have! Always has something nice to say, always positive and supportive. We just met but I relate to her like a long lost sister! And of course she posts nice tub shots of ‘Angel’. *drool*

Now, I believe if I am doing this right.. Which I think I am… I am supposed to pick five Rocking Girl Bloggers to send this to myself. So, here goes….

1. Pacer she is awesome, her weekend posts are some of the funniest I have ever read. I live a lot of weekends vicariously through her!

2. Karly at Wiping Up Snot, if you haven’t checked her out yet, you are really, really missing out! She is hilarious and I think we have the same child rearing values. LOL

3. Crystal at Boobs, injuries and Dr. Pepper, a truly hilarious read! This girl is so funny that you will scare people guffawing at her posts. My favorite all time post is this one…http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/2007/03/filed-under-parents-1-smart-ass-teenage.html
You HAVE to read it. And I am totally doing that to one of my kids one day.. Complete with pictures!!!

4. Military Mommy She has great posts, her Sunday dinner posts make me hungry! I can relate to her posts in that Military wife way! And her weight loss is inspirational!!

5. I have to send it to Robyn! I went and did a search because I was positive that someone had probably gave this to her already, but I didn’t find it on there… and man, this is the hardest working chick in the Blogosphere! She is a foster momma for kitties, works a ‘farm’ and has just finished renovating a house! I need a nap! She posts the best entries with tons of good stuff to read and lots and lots of kitty pics!

I am living in DIY hell. I told ya’ll the other day about my ‘wheel of a deal’ window from Lowe’s. Well, I bitched and moaned and complained until the guys all came down from the head of the holler to get it put in to silence my loud obnoxious mouth. This window is NINE FEET LONG. The old window was about six feet long. So, that means they had to cut part of the wall out in order to install it. Which means they had to build a frame to put the new one in and get it all set up and then build the molding around it. It has been a chore and a half. Then because of course no ‘wheel of a deal’ goes unpunished, I have wound up having to completely redo my living room. The wall with the window was messed up , which meant I had to patch and mud part of that wall. Well, that lead to needing to paint it, and since I don’t have the old color, that meant that I had to pick a new color, so I have to repaint the whole living room. And, of course if I am painting the walls, I had to pick a color for the crown molding. Jesus Mary and Joseph, my house is tore to shreds, I have painted the doors and the trim around the doors and I ran out of steam for the night. Tomorrow I have to put a second coat on the doors and start painting the molding. And, of course I promised the kids I would take them to the water park so there’s three hours that I could be working… gone forever. Oh, well, once it is done it will be gorgeous so I will just try to keep that in mind.

Tonight is going to be very short, I am exhausted and am going to actually pass out at a decent time tonight. I know the world just stopped spinning for a minute, it will be ok folks, honest… lightning wont strike us! Tomorrow will be a longer entry and before and after pictures for this project.

Oh, already I can tell a ton of difference in this house since we did the insulation! The air conditioner is not kicking on near as often and it is staying quite cool in here! I am really curious to see the electric bill this coming month. Fingers Crossed!!

Messy Bessy!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 06:48:00 +0000

Tada! I got a new keyboard. Now I just have to get out of the habit of using only the right shift button. This will be fun, every time I try to type a capital using the left one I automatically want to use only my right hand in my twister fashion. This new keyboard is the bomb! It is a Microsoft Comfort curved keyboard. I don’t have to do anything tedious using this thing, hell this is made for the laziest web surfer on the planet. There is a wealth of buttons at the top that are right in finger reach. I no longer have to take my mouse and move it to the mail button and click, all I have to do is push the little button on the keyboard and it pops up! There are also buttons for my home page, the forward and back buttons on the web browser, the search button for files and stuff and the start menu and ohhhh that button right there is for the left click menu thing. Oh and lookie over there… right there silly! That thar button works the calculator!!! Now I just push a button instead of having to click start then go to accessories and then to the calculator. My mouse is going to get so jealous! Not to mention all the keys are there and the caps button has a button instead of a rubber grip thing and the shift key works. Damn I am in hog heaven! I just may have to type more! Poor you!

Today has been a busy, busy day. That is why I am just now getting around to posting an entry at almost 2am. Hey, it’s still today for me…I haven’t been to sleep yet. We went first thing this morning and got the insulation for our attic. Instead of spending the $600 that we thought we were going to have to spend, we were able to get the blow in insulation and it only cost us $375! Score! We wouldn’t have had to spend that much, but I am apparently a dumbass that cannot figure the proper square footage of our home, we had 47 bags of insulation and could have gotten away with about 20… 30 for a nice thick ten inch layer. But, we had the 47, so we USED every single one of them. We wound up with snow drifts in our attic. And let me tell you something, when they tell you that insulation makes all the difference, they weren’t lying.. I am freaking FREEZING! The thermostat says it is 72 in here; I think that little bugger is lying to me, because my nipples just called and said they had froze off and ran away. They refuse to come back until the snow clouds in the corner have dissipated. Anyone looking to put insulation in their attic should definitely check out the blow in cellulous insulation. It is much, much cheaper and is very fast (completely done start to finish in an hour and half) and so easy a caveman could do it. Damn, now I am going to get hate mail from cavemen. We made a huge error that you should really learn from if you are going to use the blow in stuff. The machine is supposed to sit OUTSIDE the house while you use it. The hose will go very far, so don’t think you have to sit it in your living room, or hallway… really, the hose WILL reach. I haven’t seen this bad of a mess since we sheet rocked. Blech! I am going to be dusting, vacuuming and cleaning up for months from this one!

Laura and I went to Food City tonight to get groceries. We were checking out and the bagboy was hard core hitting on Laura. He asked her for her number and after asking him how old he was and finding out that he is only a year and a half older than her, I said it was ok. She was so excited. The boy called her like an hour later and they got to talking. They figured out that he is getting ready to start his senior year and she is starting her freshman year. This was a little too weird for him, which I respect his honesty for (And completely agree with!!), so he said that he just couldn’t talk to her. Laura was crushed, but she understood. (He was a cutie) We decided to go to Wal-Mart to finish our shopping so that I wont have to go to town tomorrow (which I just figured out that I still have to go because I have to go to the home improvement hell pit called Lowes) and we had no sooner walked in and see that boy walking down a parallel isle. We both about shit and dodged behind a shelf and stood there laughing our heads off. Me, I was laughing at her! I’m sure she was laughing at the situation. She kept saying… “I don’t want him to see me, what would I say, I can’t believe he is here.” Then she would peek around the corner and I would bust out laughing again. We stood there forever, dodging this boy, and then we would peek down an isle before we would walk down it, just to make sure he wasn’t there. I kept saying “I am so blogging this!” and she would say “I know you will, shut up, is he over there? Oh My God, is that him?” I’m still laughing at her!

I am in search of a new car. I just paid my Rodeo off and have the impossible notion that I want to trade my Rodeo (gas guzzler) in on a fantabulous four door car that is great on gas. I know, good luck. I don’t want a payment and want to do an even trade, so I am thinking I will find the car of my dreams the day after never. I am such an unreasonable bitch, I tell you. The search started today and will probably go on until the Rodeo falls apart and is no longer worth trading. I just hate to fill the damned thing up and with gas prices the way they are, I will spend a fortune in gas to go get the kids from all of the ten million activities they want to do this school year. It takes a quarter of a tank to go to their school and back in my car. If I had a smaller car with better gas mileage, I could probably get twice that much out of it. I am going to detail my car tomorrow and start really hunting. Well, after we replace the living room window. We are putting in my window we got from Lowe’s with the deal of the century. I can’t wait to see it go in. It is going to look so much better!

Wow! I really, really like this new keyboard, can you tell?

Just look at the damned mess! That crap was all through my house!

It's snowing in June!!!

Do you think I bought enough? You are supposed to be able to see the beams, they are soooo burried!

Again, the mess, do you see the mess? OMG the MESS! This better save on my electrice bills!

I'll make you Pee like a girl!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 00:27:00 +0000

There was a time when you were so small my little Angel. Those tiny little hands and those little blue eyes, you were so dependent on me for everything. And then time sped by and you grew so fast. Your little hand started to grow right in mine and I could feel you slipping away from me. I taught you how to eat on your own and then you learned to give up your bottle. Soon, poddy training started and you shed the remnants of babyhood behind you. The hours marched on, the days bled one into another, and the years were gone before I knew it. It seems like only yesterday you were dependant on me for everything and now, you are on your own. You are too big for your Mommy to hold your hand, you are too big to give me a kiss in public, too big for me to hug you in front of your friends. Your game system and friends are your world. You can make your own sandwich and find your own snacks. You say that you are a big boy and that you don’t need my help anymore. My son, my love… I would just like to remind you of one thing… pee INSIDE the toilet or I will make you sit like a girl to pee!
Love,
Mom

One of Laura’s little friends called last night for the ten thousandth time. He caught me while I was working on the bastard laptop and not in the best of moods. Now this is the kid that called about half an hour earlier and I already told him that she was staying with her Aunt for the rest of the week so he knew she wasn’t home.
“Is Laura there?”
“Nope”
“Do you know when she will be home?”
“She won’t be”
“Huh?”
“She wouldn’t keep her room clean so I shipped her to an orphanage in Cambodia”
“Um, Oh, OK, Thanks”
Click
The intelligence factor is apparently missing.

Breaking News! Paris Hilton says that jail was a “Traumatic” experience. Wow, isn’t that the point of jail?

House Members Seek Pay Raise of $4,400
Because after all, a salary of $165,200 a year couldn’t possibly be enough to live on with today’s economy. *That was sarcasm, I know it’s hard to tell online*
The average salary of an Army soldier: $46,122 and that is for a middle rank… I chose not to use the pay for the actual average soldier on the ground just to give a higher average. And hey, if they are serving in Iraq they get an additional benefit of $225.00 a month.
Seem fair?

Tainted fish from China detained
No, they weren’t marked as terrorist fish and sent to Gitmo. But if you eat fish, play with toy trains, or brush your teeth, you may want to check it out. All those little Made in China labels look a little dangerous now… well, they may… they have to be detained for a bit to find out if they are or not.

Odd News from today… it’ll make you laugh
Cops hot dog it, chase Weinermobile
Seems the cops saw the Weinermobile and for some reason called in the plate. The plate came back as stolen so they stopped it. Come to find out it was a mistake but I keep getting the visual image of the cop chasing said vehicle, the lights flashing, sirens blaring. Finally the huge hot dog stops and the police officer announces over the loud speaker ‘step out of the hot dog!’. A guy dressed in a mustard costume gets out. The cop screams, ‘get down on the ground mustard boy!’. Bwahhahaaa!!

Outside (Ok, they are inside the tub kittens) Kittens pictures today... (I didn't post them all at the same time yesterday because I didn't want to get cussed out for making someone on dial up pull out their hair)

Upon hearing the news about the possibility of fish being tainted from China, the kittens curled together for comfort.

You almost can't see it, it's so dark, it just blends right in.

The last ones twin, I swear she had a set of twins and a set of triplets!

As soon as I get them out to take a picture they latch onto me for dear life. I didn't know that a kitten that small could CLING to a person.

This one is VERY vocal. She can scream her little lungs out!

Too sleepy to let me catch those pretty eyes. This one woke up, bleated once and promptly fell back to sleep. If I could tell it apart from the other two tiger striped I would call it 'Sleepy' but alas, I would be calling the wrong kitten... I just know it!

Pictures and new contest! Woohoo!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 02:05:00 +0000

Post from earlier today is Here or in the archives for today. I'm long winded and bored today!

My laptop is a bastard!

*Wahhhh* My cornbread fell apart! I went to drop it out of the cast iron skillet and it separated from the bottom and fell apart. And before you suggest that I should have greased the pan... I did, apparently just not good enough.

OK (outside kitty) is Maxin and Relaxin

Inside Kitten one: "I is sowwy that I pooped on you leg lady"

IK number two: "Is that you or me?"

IK number 3: "Argggg ye be bodderin me lady"

IK number 4: "Are you makin fun of my hair?"
I know this one we will be keeping, look at that fuzzy head, those little eyes.. looks like a little bear cub! Awwww!

IK number 5: "You can't seeeee me!"

Breaking News

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:42:00 +0000

There is this huge debate going on over at Mother Hood Uncensored. Basically this woman goes into a name brand store and inadvertently comes out with a $6.95 duck that she didn’t wind up paying for. Now, both of her kids are asleep and she just takes the duck home and really doesn’t think it’s that big a deal. Neither do I. the reason I have decided to write about it is that for one, the furor this has caused over at her site is unreal! I mean really, the comments will make your eyeballs ache and that vein in the top of your head pulse, and for two… we had what I loving refer to as a ‘Lowes’ moment today and it made me think of that.

We went to Lowe’s today and bought a toilet and a shitload of other stuff for mom’s house. We were checking out and the lady herself went around scanning all the stuff on our pallet and the smaller items that were on the counter. She told mom the total and mom pulled it out and handed it to her without even thinking. My husband noticed that the price wasn’t right and checked the receipt.

“Did you get the toilet?”

“Oh, no I didn’t… I’m so sorry!” She says as she rings it up and takes another $150 from mom.

Me? I’m thinking… ‘Bill, you dumbass!’

We get home and we are looking through the Lowe’s sales paper and we figure out that on some of the other stuff we had been charged full price instead of the sales price for it. The difference was about eighty dollars. My mother in law is not the kind that will go in and argue with people to get the right price so she just chalks it up to being overcharged, but the next time she goes in and gets a ‘deal’ or they forget to ring something up, she wont say a word and if Bill does, well, we will have to beat him and lock him in the closet. This happens all the time when we go there or Wal-Mart. Some times we pay too much, sometimes we don’t pay enough. Sometimes things get through without being scanned, sometimes they get scanned twice. Dealing with this shit down here makes me think it will all work out in the end.

For instance, we paid double for a $200 door when we first started renovating this house. (We were buying sheetrock, all the inside house doors and the outside house doors, the total was LARGE so I was in sticker shock and didn’t notice it) We didn’t figure it out until months later when I was going through my receipts. But, just last month I went in and there was this beautiful picture window that has like three segments to it and it had four clearance stickers on it. I asked the guy which was the right price. HE TOLD ME it was the one that had the lowest price so it was $50. I immediately roll it straight to the desk, pay for it and get it in the truck. I went back a little while later and he told me that he had done it wrong and it was the price of all four stickers combined. His mistake, not mine. I got a $600 window for $50.

I say keep the duck and remember the next time you go in there you will probably be overcharged and it will even out.

To all those in New York… I will lovingly send you a flashlight and pray for your lights to come back on before you miss Ghost Hunters tonight!!!

What is up with this Crazy Ann Coltour? Recently she said she wished that John Edwards would be killed by terrorists. What the hell is she thinking? I’m not a political person, hell I don’t even really like Edwards but to say some shit like that is carazee!

There was recently a WWE wrestler Chris Benoit that was found dead in his home with his wife and seven year old son. My son is glued to this wrestling crap so I find that I get pulled into these stories. After what Vince McMahon pulled last week, faking his death and all, Dustin asked me to Google and see if the story was true. First of all I think this whole faking your death thing was a bit far for a storyline on Raw, that’s beside the point though. Turns out that the story on Benoit is true, only he strangled his wife one day, smothered his son the next day and then killed himself like hours or a day after that. It makes you wonder how he made it all these years without sending out red flags to all those around him after you find out that he was injecting his son with human growth hormones because his kid was on the small side. My God! There were needle marks in this kids arms. It breaks my heart to think of what this kid’s life must have been like.

Paris Hilton is out… They have released her to Robyn’s custody to serve community service on the farm. She will be pulling weeds, feeding the chickens, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming and best of all, cleaning litter boxes. There was no comment from Paris’ camp on her community service chores. (Just kidding, I really wouldn’t wish that on Robyn!)

I have been fighting with my laptop off and on all day, not this one, the other one… my good one. This one sucks. The left shift key doesn’t work, so when I try to type PPPP I have to play Twister with my fingers in order to type it. We had torn it apart to fix the modem and the fire kind of put us off on putting it back together. Well, now that I am typing a lot… HOWDY… I figured I would put it back together. Only, its being a Bastard and now the monitor won’t work. I guess I am going to have to *gasp* pay to have it fixed. *gag*I miss having a desktop sometimes.

Dinner tonight is turning into a crazy affair. My husband thinks it is Easter or something and requested... get this…
Fried Chicken, seasoned green beans, fried green tomatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn bread and green onions. And Joe requested corn. What the hell? I guess I shouldn’t complain since I am the dumbass that agreed to it. I keep hearing the phrase “get in the kitchen bitch” in my head.

I’ll post pictures after dinner.

We have a winner!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:36:00 +0000

*Drum roll* We have a winner! Christine (Christine, please email me at williamandcarolhoward at yahoo dot com I can’t access your email myself) won with 14 votes for:

I've cried, I've soiled myself, I've finished my strained carrots, and I've given the passifier a try. May I see your boobies, now?

Great Job Christine! Thank you to all who entered, all who voted and all who stopped in! New contest will start tomorrow! It will be a bit different and a different prize… very exciting! LoL

I put my first experiment with coupons to the test today. First I made out my shopping list and then I grabbed the sales papers and sat down with my list to compare it. I found quite a few things on my list at Food City with buy one get one free deals on them. On top of that, I had coupons. So, I marked those items and then grabbed my purse, heading for town. I went to Food City and because I forgot to do it at home, I separated my coupons that I intended to use there and got them handy. I only bought the items on my list and price compared to see if a less name brand was cheaper than the item in question with the coupon. I didn’t want to buy a box of say, Jiffy Pop with a $1 coupon if the Value Time was cheaper anyway. I made my purchases there and then drove over to Save A Lot where I knew some of the items I needed were cheaper. I had coupons for those items also. I wound up purchasing about a total of $100 worth of groceries for $61!! I consider it a success and plan on doing my major shopping the same way on Friday. Hell, I wouldn’t walk past $39 lying on the ground, would you? In order to obtain this kind of savings I have invested about an hours time clipping coupons, $3 for newspapers to get the coupons and about a half hours time in synchronizing my list to the sales paper. Not bad if you ask me. As I sit here and eat a GoGurt out of the pack that cost me 30 cents a box (normally 2.49, on sale and had a coupoooon), I think that I’m on to something here!

The hits just keeping coming with the Google search thing. Now, now I am being found with the keywords “housewife porno”. ROTFLMSO! Can you imagine the surprise when they click the link and find me… with all my clothes on! Poor guy, sorry bout that, still no boobies!

This weekend is going to be very interesting indeed. We get to crawl under my house and clear all the old junk out from the people that owned our house before we bought it. Bill is going to hand pieces of insulation up to his Dad and he is going to lay it in the attic while we take care of the crawlspace of death. I am terrified to think of how many of those beastly spiders with the monstrously large numbers of babies on its back will be under there. *shiver* But, it has to be done. I am positive at some point I will be face to face with some kind of snake and am also equally positive that the cat will scare the shit out of me again. Fun abounds people!

I am trying to grow my hair out and let’s just say that it is driving me insane! It is in that stage where it is too short to pull up and too long to curl into the style it is supposed to be in. I am so on the verge of going GI Jane on it! I have dreams of a pony tail to keep me from grabbing the clippers though.

Kitty pictures!!!

It's hard to see where one ends and the next begins!

"If you touch my food I will rip your arm off and beat you with it! Try me lady!"

"Come on, I know they are in there, lemme in huh? I promise I will be good, just lemme in"

See what I had to do to get in there, rip the floorboard up which shows that nasty old tile that was hidden from mind and sight, pulling the pannelling off and making my bathroom look like shit! God, you can tell I love me some kittens! Well, and I didn't want the bugs to come.. THE BUGS! Ok, I'm alright... I promise! *twitch, twitch*

Spooning to the fifth power!

"Who won? Christine did? Yay!!"

"Take one more picture lady and you are dead!"

My Counter IS a Bastard!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 03:31:00 +0000

The poll is up and over on the right. You are voting on the caption for this picture... not 'above' but this one, of my hubby sucking on my nephews pacifier, or his 'bite, bite' as he calls it.

I really want to thank all who participated, and all who stopped in to check it out. I also especially want to thank those who referred people over here. You ladies are an awsome bunch of chicks! I have had a blast with this and it was VERY hard to pick just five for people to vote on!!! Ya'll are some funny people! I will be running another contest when this one is over.. just because it is hilarious!
Now, go vote for your favorite and help me choose a winner!

There’s this cool little thing with my stat counter that shows me what keywords someone used to find me through Google. Well, I saw that someone had indeed typed something in and found me with it! Well, I have hit the big time being listed on Google Search haven’t I? So, I clicked to see what keywords someone had used and this is what I found.

For the larger version, click here

See, my counter is a bastard after all. He talked to his buddy the search engine and told him about our argument and my threat to do a porno show, so they teamed up together and thought that was funny. Guess that will teach me to use better tags huh?

Today was another day in paradise. I got up this morning and picked up the living room, dusted the furniture which is a daily chore with the road in front of our house, and then set about to do the laundry. Which, of course means that I need oh… I don’t know, water? I guess there is air getting in our line somehow and the pump fizzes every time you try to use it. So, I would start the washer and go back to get the clothes out and it would still be only a quarter full and the water was off. I would go out and kick the pump, climbing into the ‘black hole of death’ and then go back and start the washer again. After about forty minutes I would go back and try to take the clothes out only to have to do the process over again. For my first load it took me about six times kicking the pump to get it done. Finally it worked itself out and I was able to get another three loads done only having to kick the pump about six or seven times to get them done. Rediculous!

I went out to check on my ‘maters’ and they are getting big. Still green but if I can manage to stop picking them to make Fried Green Maters (Thanks Robyn) then I may get some to actually eat that are ripe. And, heaven forbid that I actually can some! *Gasp* The potatos are doing great and it looks as if we will have a ton. I am not sure what we will do with them actually. We inadvertently cut out the peppers and the corn didn’t come up. Neither did the Kale and Collard Greens. The peas are petered out but the green onions are great! I learned a lot this year and next year am planning to do things a lot different.

As I was doing my chores I kept hearing this ‘blooooop, bloop, bloop!’ and couldn’t figure out for the life of me what it was. I kept looking after I would hear it but I couldn’t find it. I would hear it and it would sound like the answering machine but there was no message. Then I would hear it again and think it was a cordless with the battery dying but it wasn’t that. Then I would hear it and thought ‘Wait, that’s my cell phone!’ only it wasn’t that either. BLOOOOOP, BLOOP, BLOOOOP! Damn, it must be moms cell. Nope! I was at a loss. That was all the phones, answering machines and whatnot that I could think of. Finally it started to drive me to drink and before picking up the wine cooler I figured I would try one more thing. I turned off the TV and stood still. Forever. Finally it Blooped again and I could hear it was coming from the bathroom. What the hell? There are no electronics in my bathroom. I go to investigate and still can’t find anything. So, I stood still and listened. Forever. Blooop, bloop, bloop! Ohhhhh!

That is my old cell phone that holds the key to the universe, all of the information that I have been too lazy to switch over to my new cell. How it got into the bathroom I will never know and how it got there, under that washcloth I have no idea. I think that Wilber, the giant mouse that my brother told me lived in the crawlspace under our childhood home, got out and took my phone and put it there. Damned Wilber!

Now, on to pictures.

"*Sniff, Sniff* Jeez son, didn't I tell you to go before we left the box?"

"Sorry Ma!"

"I'm to sexy for my fur, too sexy for my fur, so sexy it huuurts"

"Stop! Hammer time!"

Drowned rats!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:53:00 +0000

I have a caption contest going on!! Click here for details!

*Knock, knock, knock*

“Yes?”

“Sorry to bother you Miss, but can we possibly use your phone?”

“Umm, sure. Stay here, I will be right back”

I grab the phone, keeping my eye on the door the whole time and thinking that I wished I had my gun where I could reach it. I was a bit freaked.

“Here you go” As I hand the one on the left the phone, the one on the right asks me if I had a cig he could possibly get. “umm, sure, they are menthol though.” I say as I turn and pick them up off the coffee table.

“Thank you so much Miss, tell you the truth, my nerves are so bad that I don’t care if they are non filtered Pall Malls from about twenty years ago.” Right says.

“Why, what happened? Hey, you’re soaking wet!” I realize this and at the same time try to figure out how in the hell I didn’t realize this sooner.

“Yeah, I am. We were in our boat on the river when this storm came on (it STORMED here, out of nowhere) and we were washed down here. We hit some rocks and were turned into the river and almost drowned. We were lucky enough to wind up right here on the bank and the boat got caught on some tree and we tied it up. We noticed your house and thought we could call for help. By the way, where are we?”

“Oh, Good Lord! Well, I’m glad ya’ll are alright.. um you are outside of town about twenty minutes.”

“I told you that we were (here by my house)” lefty says, hitting righty on the shoulder.

“Can you explain to my friend on the phone how to get here?” Righty asks as he hands me the phone.

They decided on meeting their ride down at the low water bridge that is about a mile from our house, thanked me and left. I watched them walk through my garden and out to the river to get back into their boat. The whole time I kept thinking… My God, what if they had been here to do harm, they could have kicked my door open and no one would have known. I wouldn’t have been able to stop them . I also felt guilty that I didn’t offer them a towel or let them come in, but at the same time I knew that I was right and that would have been dangerous. It freaked me out quite well. I am keeping my doors locked, I can tell you that. Living in the country is great, but there are some scary aspects of it. One I had never thought of was people coming up from the river… driving in or coming in on four wheelers had crossed my mind, but I always figured I could hear a vehicle. I stared at the river tonight and it looks completely different to me now.

*Update on the construction on Mom’s house. We have all of the outside work done and the guys are putting drywall up. They have three rooms done and we did the insulation a couple of days ago. I keep forgetting to take my camera over with me. I will try to remember tomorrow!

I cleaned some more today and rearranged my bathroom, but mostly I sat here and vegged in front of the TV. Such a life! Actually, I was bored to death but there were a couple good Lifetime movies on that kept me from going insane.

Paris Hilton gets out of jail this week! That poor girl, I mean really, she has spent such a long time in there that I wonder if she will be able to get used to sleeping in her big princess bed again. They say that she was treated more harsh than most because of her celebrity status but I think they should have been harder on her, but then again they should have been harder on Lindsey and Nicole also. Seriously these girls can all pay to have people drive them around, why are they getting in trouble for drunk driving? Dumb asses. Do you guys think that Paris has truly had an epiphany in jail and will change her habits when she is released?

The contest seems to be going great! The comments have me laughing my head off and Bill is either laughing or going ‘Heyyyy!!’ Ha! I am going to have him help me with the next contest by posing all kinds of crazy with some props or something.

Pictures of course!

It rained so hard and so fast that my walkway flooded.

And my backyard turned into a swamp!

But, my garden really needed it.

One eyed Jack! The kittens are trying to open their eyes. Don’t you just want to squeeze them!

Sleeping peacefully

“Don’t you DARE fart Sis!”

You Got Punked!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 16:39:00 +0000

I have a caption contest going on!! Click here for details!

Editted to Add Kitty pics: Scroll down for pics

Dustin got his final report card for his Freshman year. This child has worked his butt off trying to maintain a certain level of perfection, being the class pet in ROTC and trying to become some kind of Math genius. (He DID NOT inherit that gene from me.. I can’t add ¾ cup with ½ cup without having a nervous breakdown.) So, when I got his report card, I couldn’t resist myself. I secretly showed it to Bill and then said… “follow my lead”. I bellowed for Dustin in that ‘you are so in trouble mister’ voice and waited. He walked into the room with the ‘What?’ arm gesture looking confused and I pounced.

“Dustin, this is ridiculous, I thought you had gotten your act together and actually cared about your future! And you do this.. how could you? *sob* I don’t know what we are going to do with you!” I put my face in my hands and Bill jumps into the fray.

Dustin is looking confused and stammering “What? What did I do?” over and over again.

Bill gives him that wilting look that only a former soldier can master and says.. “Dustin, I can’t believe you would do this to your mother, your report card son.. how could you? You were doing so good, how did you screw up so bad? You will never be able to get into a good college now. BOY YOU BETTER BE READY TO SERVE FRENCH FRIES WITH THESE GRADES!” his voice rising a bit for emphasis.

Dustin is still looking confused and all of a sudden it dawns on him, you can actually see the ‘click’ on his face. “What? Give me that!!! I did great, my last semester card was good, the final report can’t be bad, GIMME THAT.”

I figure that we have sufficiently freaked him out so I holler “YOU JUST GOT PUNKED!” Bill starts laughing his Ass off and Dustin grabs the report card.

“Why can’t I have normal parents! You guys suck! I am going to put an ad in the paper to be adopted by someone normal!” He yells as he stomps off.

“Hey, Dustin, Wait!!!! Congratulations by the way, we really are proud of you!!”

“Shut up!” SLAM!

Bwuaaahaaaaaa, it’s still fun to mess with them!

Today I have spent the day dusting, sweeping, mopping, waxing the floors and cleaning the bathroom. Like it will matter fifteen minutes from now. But, at least I can say I did my ‘housewifely duties’. Now I just have to clean out the kittens beds, bleach and wash the towels that are in there now (Gaross) and piss them all off by taking a ton of pictures. The contest is going awesome, ya’ll are cracking me up! I should do this more often in the future, the comic relief is great!

I will be posting again tonight with the kitten pics, so check back this evening for kitty love!

Hellllewwwww, here are some pics as promised.

"Hey Ma, Timmy's stuck in the well!"

"Your soul is mine, resistance is futile mere mortal! Bwahahaaa"

"Sniff, Sniff... awww Sis, not again!!"

"Alright, I'll give you a backrub... but you have to give me half of the ground squirrel Mom brought... Huh? What do you mean that lady with the flashy thing took it away? Awwww Man!"

"She said take a left"
"No, she said take a right..."
"No she didn't she said left!"

Porno Show and a Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 04:59:00 +0000

Just the other day Robyn from http://www.bitchypoo.com/ did a ‘shout out’ and sent readers over to check out the kitten pictures that I have been putting up. Well, my stats counter called me and asked me if I did a live porno show or something because It went from like 20-30 readers to 209 in one day. That little counter was sure that I was up to no good. Then the little counter called back today to apologize because my stats were pretty much back to normal levels and if I had done a porno show then it must have been a one time thing, or really bad. We got into an argument and I threatened to actually do a porno show to make it blow up and it begged me to keep my clothes on. So, in order to show the little counter that it is a bastard and also to shamelessly try to pick up some readers, I am running a contest. Teehee… yep, shameless…. That’s me! The hope is that if I bribe people to show up, they will actually like what I write and then keep coming back without the bribe. But, if that doesn’t work, I guess I will just have to reconsider the show.

Contest: I have tried to do some deeeep thinking on this one and the only thing that comes to mind that I like is a picture caption contest. Here’s how it’s going to work, very simple actually.
I am putting up a picture at the end of this and the funniest caption wins. Post your entries in the comments section and on Monday at midnight I will post the five funniest in poll format. I will have you, the readers, vote for the best one. On Tuesday at midnight I will end the contest and the person with the most votes will win a personalized Italian Style charm bracelet. The charm bracelet will have a variety of charms including but not limited to; Hearts, laser printed sayings and your name or if you are a guy you can choose whatever name you wish (these are lady bracelets ;)) (YOU MAY POST MORE THAN ONE CAPTION ENTRY, so if you post one and say, on Sunday you decide it wasn’t funny enough and you thought of a better one, you can post in another one!) If you are the winner then I will contact you and give you a complete list of the charms I have and you can design your own bracelet! You do not pay for anything (I will not ask you for your credit card information so that I can sell it to someone in Nigeria to help transfer money to pay to have ‘inked’ money cleaned for a return investment and will not tell you that you have to pay the low, low price of $400 for shipping and handling… you do not pay a single cent… clear? Cool!), and I don’t need anything from you other than an address to mail it to. Sound good? Sound Simple? The only thing I need when you enter is your real user name, not anonymous so that I can call you out to let you know you won! When the winner is selected I will post it on the main page and let the world know that you won and have you email me for more details. Good, understand? Go post a funny caption…… NOW!

Here is a sample of the kind of charm bracelet it is…

These are stretchy type bracelets that the charms link together to form a solid circle, there is no clasp. The letters for the name are either in raised Silver or raised Gold. I have a bunch of different laser printed charms and raised hearts to make it really pretty. The picture is not a picture of the actual prize, the prize will be a totally personalized bracelet just for the winner. I will need your wrist size if you are chosen the winner, we will discuss that further in an email upon winning. Good Luck!

And here is the picture…(I thought of you Jen when I picked this! LMAO!) What kind of funny caption can you come up with for this picture?

Editted: It's a binky by the way ;)

And now, on to the daily pictures of Inside Kitty and her kittens. Outside Kitty is doing better today, but she was so not having me take pictures of her and her kittens today.
Tomorrow, the door saga!

"No, really, thanks for waking them up! I love it when I have five kittens hanging off my nipples... no really, Thanks A lot!"

"What's that smell? Hey, did you dip your tail in the food dish again?"

"Left Foot Red, Right Hand Green...."

"I is this tall!"

The Bugs Will Come!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 04:29:00 +0000

“Mom?”

“Yes Laura?”

“Can we take the door off and see if we can get a look at the outside cats’ kittens?”

“Honey, I don’t think we will be able to see them, but let’s give it a try”

She jumps up and runs into the bathroom while I grab the screwdriver to undo the wall covering that is over the hot water heater door. I take the four screws out and set the thing aside. Laura hands me the flashlight and I hunker down to try to get a peek. Truthfully, I was as curious as she was so I didn’t mind. I AM able to get a good look. And what I see is not what I wanted to see. There, laying on the board that holds up my tub is a tiny little brown striped body. My eyes well with tears and I choke out “Hun, we have a problem.” Not only was it so sad to see that little lifeless body, the little paws so tiny, the little nose, the little skinny tail…. Wait, holy shit, that isn’t a kitten!

“Bill!!!!!”

“What”

“Come here now!”

“What, I’m trying to watch my Pirate show”

“For God’s sake, push pause and come here!”

“Oh, I forgot about that thingy being able to pause, how did we ever manage without that? You know, I think Dish is the best thing we spend our money on. What?”

“I looked under here and no, I can’t see the kittens but there is something dead in here… I thought it was a baby but it isn’t.. Bill, we have a dead ass rat under here and we have to get it out, its gross, it will get hot and nasty and the bugs will come, Bill, THE BUGS WILL COME, YOU HAVE TO GET IT OUT!” I could feel the panic growing; a hot flash enveloped my face and burned the tip of my ears. Sweat popped out on my forehead and I could feel my heart starting to speed into its normal Salsa Dance of Hormone panic.

“It’s ok, calm down; we can just take a broom and push it out or something.”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH ROOM WHERE IT IS TO GET TO IT!” I’m doing the ‘icky dance’ Arms flailing, hands flapping, hopping from one foot to the other.

“We can get it out Carol, calm down”

“THE BUGS.. THE BUGS WILL COME AND IT WILL STINK!” I half moan, half scream as I sink down onto the toilet.

“Ok, so we can’t get it out that way. We are going to have to go through the wall honey.”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN’T THAT CAT JUST BRING ME A DAMNED CARD!”

“Well, she is a cat dear.. There’s not fingers to hold a pen and… hey, don’t give me that stank eye, I was just kidding. OK, OK, I’ll just get it out.”

So, now I have a hole in my bathroom wall, but the damned dead thing is gone.. It was one of those little ground squirrels and not a rat. Thank God! But, still ummm GAROOOOOSSSSSSS! I am not sure if it was one of her offerings or if it was dinner, but it had to go. I compensated her with a can of cat food though. We were able to see the kittens and she had five. They are so cute! She is still doing pretty badly, she must have had a much harder time giving birth than Inside Kitty did. We had to clean her up today, she didn’t finish it herself and the kittens still have these little twiggy’s hanging off of their umbilical cords and I have no idea if I am supposed to cut that off or if she will eventually take care of it. She just doesn’t act right and yes, I know she is sore, but it’s weird. I am going to watch her tomorrow and if she doesn’t seem to be getting around better then I am taking her to the Vet.

There are TONS of cute kitten pics on the horizon. I went from having two cats to twelve in a few days. God help me. I am the new queen of Crazy Cat town.. Hand over your crowns bitches!

I also replaced my front door today with a new one. This one is really pretty. And, it eliminates the bat cave syndrome that my husband suffers from. There is… Gasp!... light in my living room! Wheeeeeee! I got the door last month from a guy here that makes them cheap! I paid $100 for this door and it is prettier than the last door that I bought last year from Lowes for around $300 if I remember correctly, it was either $200 or $300 but whichever it was, this door is nicer, and it was a ton cheaper! Next payday we are putting insulation in the attic. We investigated and found out that there is only three, yes… THREE pieces of insulation up there and figure that could be the reason behind the $600 electric bills. Duh! So, we are on the race to put that in and replace the bathroom and living room window, put down a heat shield thing under the house and fix the block around the house so that no air can get under it before winter starts in. I am hating the $400 summer electric bills and have no intention of going through another winter with $600 and $700 bills. Caaarazeeee!

First the Inside Kitty pics:

Gives me a hot flash just thinking about having this many kids hanging off of me!

Fuzzy little thing isn't it? Looks a bit like a mole in the face now that I look at that picture.

"Damn, the Paparazzi again!"

Under my tub.. see, no room! No, I did not put up a picture of the dead thing, I didn't want to make anyone puke!

It amazes me that they can all sleep like this! They are so adorable!!!

"Air Five!"

Think up a better caption for that one and put it in the comments. I love that little hand up like that!

Oh, and I am officially needing kitten names. What I figure I will do is as they start getting bigger and looking more like 'themselves' I will start naming them. Suggestions are welcome... I mean really, I have to come up with ten names for heavens sake!

I have been messing with the templates and trying to Jazz this thing up some, I have added the subscribe thing and RSS feed and finally got my Banner up, so if you have problems with anything working make sure you let me know so I can fix it. Thanks!

This is the new door. I still have to paint it and the door casing black but it looks a lot better. I love the silver details in it and the glass designs.

Black Hole of Death

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 04:36:00 +0000

I loved the captions suggestions from yesterday.. ya’ll crack me up!!! Much better than I had thought up! Plus, I love getting comments, so double plus!!

Editted to add... By the way, if there is anyone in the Kentucky/Ohio/TN area that wants to ummm reserve a kitten, just email me. I would be willing to drive halfway if you are in a three or four hour drive from me. I just want to make sure they go to a GOOD home. It is looking like we will have three or four to adopt out. I don't know what those look like yet and don't think I will be getting pictures for a while of those, you'll understand after you read the below entry.

Today was one crappy day. I started out by waking up late. Here I am rolling off the couch and walking around with Sharon Osbourne hair while I am trying to get my eyes to function and everyone else has been up for hours and hours. I mean hell, who in the world would sleep until 8AM? I tell you people.. all I do is lay in bed all day!

I got dressed and went to do the dishes that I had put off from last night. And thus began the “I hate this city” hate fest. I am telling you that if the old wives saying is true that ‘when your ears burn someone is talking bad about you’ is true then the Magistrate of that Fiscal Court thingy should have his ears laying on the courthouse steps reduced to a pile of Ash from the nine thousand foot tall flames that shot off of them. That Bastard! I know he is just the messenger but he is the only face I have to hate so it’s all on him. In order to do one… ONE sink load of dishes today, it took me TWO hours to run the water. Apparently the water God’s heard me bitching yesterday and decided to charmically kick me in the balls. Now apparently my PSI tank thing that pushes the water out of the well is on the fritz and does not want to stay on, I kept having to go under the house and ‘kick the pump’ which means in lay mans terms;

Cuss while you slam the faucet back into the off position, stomp out of the kitchen and down the porch steps, approach the black hole that leads under the house with trepidation, looking everywhere for snakes. Once you figure out that there is nothing to block you from the hole of death, you get down on all fours and start to crawl in while doing the frantic lookforspidersandsnakesandotherthingsthatcaneatme dance while trying to not whack your head off. You wiggle in juuuust far enough to push the little switch thing, but WAIT! There is a trick, only push it up just enough to hear a click and then let go while you are pushing in on it. It has to be done just right, so of course you do it wrong about five times before hearing the little hum that means the water is running again. Wiggle back out of the hole of death while looking for spiders and other creepies. Stomp back up the porch steps and back into the house. Turn the water on and wash a bowl, pick up a cup and slam it back down when you see the water stop again and the water dance starts all over again. I miss the city today!

I was soaking in a hot bath tonight and just as I was relaxing I hear this THUMP, THUD, HOWL from under my ass. Yes, under my ass. You heard me right. The noises coming from under my tub about scared me right out of the bathtub. I was panicked for about two minutes, holding perfectly still listening with an intensity that rivaled the CIA on a drug king-pin wire tap until it hit me. It was Outside Kitty. I listen and hear the loudest purr you cant ever imagine and then she howled again. Now, because I am all Kitty Lamaze coach and all, I knew the sounds meant she was in labor. I could hear her give birth to what I think were three or four kittens. Laura and I wanted so badly to see them that we were trying to rip off base moldings to see if there was a crack under there that we could see in, and then we wound up laying on the floor in the bathroom to listen to the Wild Kingdom sounds.

So, break it down… Three or four kittens to OK and the five we have with IK and that makes between eight and nine kittens and two Momma’s. I am calling the vet tomorrow to make an apt to have the Mom’s fixed. I am loving the experience of watching the babies born and know I will have so much fun with the kittens, but I am going to wind up being the crazy cat lady because I wont let them go unless they have a good home. Oh well, it will make for some cute pictures!!! Here’s some for tonight….

Oh and for those that popped over from Robyn’s, thanks for stopping by and I will make sure I keep updating and posting lots of kitty pics.. so stop back in.

Brother/Sister makes a great pillow!

I adore those little tiny feet!

Oh for Heaven’s sake… I feel like one big nipple!

Help me.. this crazy lady wont leave me alone… Yawn!

Bow Chica Wow Wow

noreply@blogger.com (Carol H) — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:24:00 +0000

Today was one of those very interesting days. My mother-in-law, her sister and I went to open court today for the Fiscal Court meeting thing to get a ‘fire award’ for her. They gave her a cash payment of $200 from the county for help in rebuilding her home after it burned down because the fire trucks didn’t have water. Thanks guys! Well, I guess I shouldn’t be too snippy since that did buy some of the plumbing supplies. I still think it is ridiculous. While we were waiting for them to address her, they went through the issues for the county funding’s approval. When they got to the funding for maintenance on the city water project for our little city, I piped up and asked if that was going to run water up to us. No, that did not include us, no they don’t have enough money to run it to us and even if they did. There are not enough people that live in our holler to get it first anyway. He said they would rather run it to a place that is farther away, but has fifty houses than run it to our holler that has ten houses. Then the Magistrate informs us that even if we had the lines ran we probably wouldn’t have water anyway because the current Water Plant can’t supply for the people that are hooked up anyway.
So, while everyone talks about getting water to everyone on the planet besides us… there are thousands.. yes, thousands of families here in Kentucky that do not have water to bath in, do laundry, drinking water… and there is no end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that the people in like Africa don’t need help.. they do, they have it worse, I am not insensitive and know that. However, seeing as how this is the United States of America and we can spend millions of dollars on toilet seats to be launched into space, then pray tell why the fuck can’t they make sure every single American has access to water? Most people at least have a Well. Most of those are laced with high contents of Sulfur or Iron… extremely unsafe and it ruins everything it touches. We don’t have that. I have a rock well that was dug and laid by hand so many years ago that I can’t even figure it out and we have to run a sump pump from a hole I dug in the creek with extension cords running all over my yard and down the hill and run water from said creek into said well to fill it. The water of course is running uphill so what comes out is a tiny stream and it takes days to fill my well and then the water still cannot be used for cooking or drinking. We can use it to shower and do laundry, which trust me.. I am grateful for. A couple of days with no water at all makes you happy for any drop you can get, but the filling of the water jugs at Wal-Mart every few days, the lugging back and forth, the running out of it right in the middle of trying to cook… it grates on the nerves and when I find out that our public library collected 6 million dollars in taxes this year and has NO parking lot.. Well it just makes me wonder where the priorities are.

The kittens are starting to move around more. I can hear them making their little mewchirps more and more often and the sound makes me smile. I peek in at them every once in a while through the day while telling myself the whole time that I am not allowed to pick them up. I can’t wait until they are old enough to play with.. they are soooo adorable! The one I thought was all black is turning tanner by the minute. So, we have two that look like Momma, a tiger striped one, a Black one and a TAN one.

These new Axe commercials are starting to drive me crazy. They are using that old 70’s porno song with the Bow Chica Wow, wow song and the stupid ass things have my Nine year old running around the house saying it over and over again. Granted he doesn’t know what it means, but hell I have seen some of those porno’s with that music and when he says that, it just links in my head and it Ain’t right!!

I watched the season premiere of The Closer yesterday and it did not let me down at all! Awesome. I love that show and have looked forward to it coming back on forever. The only bad thing about it is that it is a summer show and does not last nearly long enough. I am also watching Big Love and Weeds, Ghost Hunters is back on and it is GREAT and let’s see….. What the hell else am I watching? So you think you can dance, Standoff, The Lot, Top Chef, Hells Kitchen and Army Wives. I resisted Army Wives for the first couple episodes because those kind of shows usually piss me off. They usually portray all of the wives as big hoe’s that screw around the whole time the guy is deployed, but this one is refreshingly different. I like it so far. Hell’s Kitchen is just hilarious. Man that dude needs a Prozac IV and I just love Standoff. Summer shows are not as time filling as fall shows but they do nicely when combined with Garden work and building a house.

One kitty pic today because my batteries went south on my camera…

Tell me what you think the caption should be on this one. I will bet ya’ll can come up with a better one than mine! Click right here below this on the comments thingy and tell me your best caption ideas.