The Microcosm of Ms. Skylar Smythe

Unfilter Me

2012-01-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

I am dating someone who shocks me with his wisdom. He has a way of saying things that send my mind into overdrive in entirely great ways. Do I think I'm lucky? Damned skippy. Truth is that I'm not used to dating someone who is as wise and seasoned as I am. Frequently I have found myself in situations with platonic or romantic relationships where I am the advice giver. The supporter. The teacher. The muse (creatively or emotionally). Sometimes he catches me over explaining the way I have done countless times before. Slowly I am realizing that very few things need to be "broken down" for Lucas. He gets it. All of it. He smiles patiently and lets me finish before punctuating it with a cute "I know" or "Okay".

"I'm holding back"

"I know. You have doubts."

"No I don't. I don't doubt you."

"I didn't say it was me you doubted."

"I don't doubt. I don't like the word."

"Okay. Well it's fear then."

[Insert...Stop the bus!]

"I'm NOT afraid of you."

"Nope. Didn't say you were."

"You said I was afraid. So WHAT am I afraid of then?" [sarcastic]

"You."

[Insert... WHAT!!!]

"You are afraid Lori of being unable to tell a good person from a jerk."

[Insert rolling eyes behind my monitor]

"No. I'm pretty sure I have a PhD in selfish assholes."
"Right. So you don't trust your ability to recognize them. You have DOUBT you can see them coming."

[Insert tapping of nails on desk and quick topic change]

He was wrong last night. I needed to sleep on it to realize how right he was. My fear is not holding on to the past as in prioritizing any particular jerk I experienced. There were two that did some damage. The rest were pretty fun actually... and perhaps I need to remind myself of that more often. Only two that caused some derailment because I trusted them. So does that mean I can never trust again?

I had an epiphany this morning. Sometimes I gaze on the blogs of formers and I chuckle to myself. They are so young minded. So blatantly attention and approval seeking like children in so many ways. I feel sorry for people who lie to themselves and who don't have a high EQ (emotional intelligence) to go through life without chalking up collateral damage to themselves, or those around them. All I can be is glad I am not like them.
But that was then. And this is now.

My crime was simply loving them. I'm saying that statement over and over again in my head. "My crime was loving them" but that hardly makes me a criminal does it? It makes me a romantic. A hard core relationship person. An optimistic and joyful person who is noble in so many ways when she attempted to "save" them despite the damage they were doing to her. If I talk about myself in the third person somehow it becomes easier to understand and to forgive myself for the crime of loving with my whole heart. Alice told me once that I am punishing myself for loving someone and that it was not fair. I get it now Alice...

What they did to me was wrong. Full stop. But that is still not the epiphany today.

I will LOVE...

I will love moments in the innocent way I used to before I saw the darker side of love. I will appreciate the small things in life as I always have and the gifts that are given me (creative and emotional ones). I will feel blessed to have what I have and always work to have more happiness in my life without comparing my life to anyone elses. I have no need to! It's the one thing worth pursuing. I will open my arms and my eyes and my heart to the world again and I will write with faith and infatuation and lust and glorious joy for all the warmth that I have in my life from my friends and family, my dogs, my Mother and Father and my amazing boyfriend.

Rather than walking on cracking ice slowly and methodically I will dance upon it. If I go through it and fall into the frigid waters of happenstance then so be it. There are lessons in all of it and I am better for those lessons whether they are delivered by harshly or gently into my life. They have sculpted through adversity a woman that I am proud to be.

Miso... the answer is not to avoid the ice or never dance again. That is the answer to the question you posed last night my friend. We must still dance!

I will crack corny jokes and not care if anyone gets them. I will snort when I laugh and I will drink wine and eat chocolate and kiss until my lips are numb. I will take part in the lives of people who I love and who inspire me with the beauty and grace that they conduct themselves in and be inspired by it. My life by my measure is a happy and abundant place of joy and laughter and passion and beauty. Depth. Roots. Substance. These are the measurables I value.

So Lucas I am giving up the mantle of the filter of fear. All the poems I have been stifling are bubbling up to the surface because your affection feeds me so well that I am flying inside. And I have been afraid of that feeling but if I remain fearful then the damage done me will only perpetuate because I allow it to define me. My life... will not be painted by the memory of men that so poorly loved me.They don't even deserve a footnote. I feel nothing for them.

You are my joyful passionate present. And I want you to have all of me and so I am dropping the mantle of injury. I've suffered enough recycling it into fear. And all I want is mad kisses and great poetry and long walks on the beach with you... and conversations and the touch of your hand on my face which sends me body electric into shockwaves of happy. I want to lose myself in the wonderful that is you Lucas. And explore you and care for you and roll in the warmth of everything you are and everything you make me feel when we are together.

To live in fear as an artist is to die. The risk of being hurt does not outweigh the exhilaration of being alive! Of striving in new directions and experiencing life by the fistful like a glutton eating warm cake with no fork. I want to bury my face with glee and excitement in the life that I am building for myself... and in the joy of having someone amazing to share this all with.

You care for me so much better in a short time.. That is the divine and incredible truth of the matter. Buckle up babe. Prepare for the tsunami of lovies because I am busting out of the prison of romantic paradigms. It won't matter what the ending of the book is... having loved well and been loved well on each single page. You cannot love truly from that protected place. You were right Lucas. You usually are... just takes me some processing time to concur. :) I can be a bit stubborn...

PS: Lucas? You completely rock my world... xx

Spatially Impaired

2012-01-29T05:34:00.000-08:00

It's a tricky thing. The whole space thing. It seems to me that men have it easier. When they want to do something they do it. When they don't want to do something, they don't. What I have noticed is that men don't seem to wrestle with the concept of emotional "space" in a relationship the way us girls do.

Well if you boys do... leave a comment and let us know. I am aware that there is plenty of stuff you men folk keep on the 'down low' simply because ... it's what men do.

I don't think I could ever be in a long term relationship with a woman. Aside from the fact that most of them socially terrify me they are entirely irrational about the whole "space" issue. I'll give you the best example of an illogical woman that I have. Myself of course.

How much space is too much?

Well if I find myself missing you all the time and feeling like something that just makes it to a magical periodic checklist that you maintain instead of someone you legitimately want to spend your time with... well that is a problem. I've been on that artificial emo-feed before. Not enough to leave me satisfied but JUST ENOUGH to keep me from ending it and finding someone who is relationship person. And someone who understands the fun and wonderful gooey stuff along with the commitment that comes with it. Give me too much space and I will begin to fill in the blanks for you. Essentially ... I'll build my understanding around the idea that you "just aren't into me" and are thriftily spending "enough time" with me to secure your biweekly booty.

How much space is not enough?

In a recent relationship one of the things that didn't work was the lack of space. Invitations to stay over at my house became "assumed" as part of a routine. They weren't meant to be. When you are dating they are always "invitations" and there really isn't a "mi casa su casa" until you are living together. At least that's what I understand. I've only lived with my husband after we were engaged.

I couldn't write. If I was writing he had to be in the same room with me. I couldn't work. If I went into Second Life to work, he was in there with me. I drove to Toronto every day with him (to help him with his cost of commuting as he was living on less than $200 per week). My weekends were with him. Suffocation ensued. And when I asked for space he smothered me some more. Needy is a bad thing for me. It's probably the least attractive most repulsive thing you can throw at me. I resolved that in the future I would only date people who had their own lives, purpose and activities. Who had lives that worked WITHOUT me and could give me breathing room to live my life without obstructing my momentum. I have these goal things... I need space to grow.

How much space do I give you?

Conversely I hate being alone (told you I was insane). If I really enjoy someones company I tend to ask for a lot of it. But if it's not possible to see them I am the first person to say "I miss you" and mean it. Because I do. Because I am busy working and making money and trying to reach other goals that I don't have the time or energy (or inclination really) to put any effort into making more offline friends to do stuff with. My existence is work, eat, work, sleep, work and a bunch of driving to Toronto in between. It doesn't leave a lot of room for figuring out how to add more people to my offline social 'cosm (no matter how desperately I would love 1-2 local female friends to be a girl with). So right or wrong (probably wrong) my social becomes primarily boyfriend and I struggle to not make that person my whole world. I don't want to smother anyone. Interestingly enough I have been accused of being "too independent" in recent years.

How much space can you handle?
I used to be afraid of the silence. When I was upset or something was not going right or well I used to run headlong into the arms of people who cared about me. I rarely need a solution. But I have this process of resolution that involves PANIC first followed by rational problem solving. The panic part I hate. I wish I processed adverse conditions a little different. I was taught though in the last four years by various online acquaintances that it's cool to be there for them (for years even) but when you need them chances are they'll view it as a burden. That's part of the problem with being the "strong" one. Everyone takes but few are strong enough to be there for you when you need them. Strong is kind of a one way flow. Outward and it rarely comes back to you. I know that now.

That being said for the last two years I've adopted this new way of dealing. I pull in. I hold in about 90% of it and sort it out in my own head first. But the "pull in" part wins me few friends. It's not the same as shutting down it is more like an emotional "lock down" until I can sort it out without being a burden to anyone. I can be non-responsive and evasive. I need space but in that space I will find all my own solutions. And I will do it faster because I am focused. And my problems will not rest on your ears or shoulders, which I think makes me the best human being I can possibly be. An adult that takes care of her own stuff. People I care about take that pull back to heart. Sometimes I feel like I can't win. It's them I am trying to protect from my mayhem without using them as a scratching post.

Sometimes space is good. Necessary. Sometimes I wish I had less of it between myself and people I like or miss. Sometimes when shit hits the fan I wish I had more of it to cope with what I have to without getting any one's shoes dirty. Its driven primarily by that these days. It's vulnerable to need people. It's devastating to think someone will be there for you and have them pull back. So you see... I'm a bit confused and spatially challenged. There is an ebb and flow to it that I can't seem to master.

Told you I was an Alien...

The Body Count

2012-01-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

Human beings are not emotional batteries.

"We got there. That's all that matters."

How many times do you hear someone say that? That they had to get some where and upon their arrival they look back on the road that they traveled with the kind of emotional nonchalance that only the ignorant or the truly emotionally retarded can manage. They climb to the pinnacle of their destination, raising their arms up like some kind of flash back Rocky Balboa-esque moment expecting the world to laud the fact that they have arrived.

"I MADE IT!"

"Check me out all... like successful and stuff!"

Some do. Some may look at that type of person and go "Wow! You've really made it! The road is long and when you watch someone you know go through transition and adversity you want to cheer for them when they come out the other side of it. Emotional growth pinches. Life changes pinch the way new shoes do and it can take years for any of us to work through a significant transition in our life, whether divorce or grieving over death(s), adjusting to being a single parent unexpectedly. Overcoming an addiction. I've got a personal story behind every possible transition you can imagine. You might say that I deliberately draw people who are in transition into my life (or I used to). I find watching people grow fascinating.

"Congratulations on the destination! But... can you do something about those bodies?" What bodies? The ones that are strewn over the highway of your life that you just came through. That stretch of road that started with you feeling angry and confused, afraid and bitter. We all head into transition that way and since that is no way to live, our brains resolve to resolve issues so that we can be happy again. It's the way transition works.

So I'll ask you again (as you sip your congratulatory champagne) what are you going to do with all those bodies? The people that you vented your frustration on? The people that you made promises to but never kept? The people who you derailed as you used them like batteries to propel your own progress through your own emotional tsunami. There are bodies everywhere! People whose trust was fractured because perhaps you were their very first lesson in the kind of dark selfishness that they never fathomed could exist in an intelligent, sentient human being.

Who did you quite literally run over... in your race to get yourself through your own transition?

There are many that transition quietly without emotional tantrum. Without harming others. They find other outlets and some (believe it or not) who are in pain in their own transition manage to put that pain aside to help someone else. In doing so they are given a charitable focus outside themselves and a valuable perspective that no matter how much you are hurting, you never have the right to fuck up someone else. To injure them in a way that requires repair afterward. Emotional genocide lead to your personal growth? Wow. That um... is more than a little psychotic. I have no respect for people who damage other people to get ahead. There is no excuse for it. Ever.

If your victory and arrival at the crossroads of "I MADE IT!" came at the cost of scarring other people. Causing them duress. Pain. If you used people like commodities to arrive there. Lied. Schemed and manipulated to get there. Enjoy your victory.

It may take years or even decades to realize that it was never a victory at all. But a demonstration in your inhumanity and ultimately? Your selfishness.

Guilt is a post card that frequently arrives late. Good luck with that. It always comes home to roost. But please don't take my word for it. Just trust that as one of the bodies picking herself up and dusting herself off from the very experience of ever being "known" by you... There are some types of people that I will never allow into my life again; without them my life is a bright, fun and romantically adventurous place. I am in love with my own life because I have no one around me trying to syphon off my joie de vivre because they can't manufacture their own.

I suspect that might have something to do with the body count...ya think? :)

Chihuahua Mama Drama

2012-01-27T17:18:00.000-08:00

Both these two sleep knowing they are loved tonight ~ xo

Senor Diego is ten years old. I got him in the third year I think of our marriage as a little puppy from the pet store. Long before I understood how pet stores are not where responsible owners should get a pet. But I had wanted a black chihuahua puppy and been unable to find one for a year. And then, in our local pet store there he was.

He apparently had a sister that shared a glass enclosure with him. But she had been adopted the day before and he was crying the first time I saw him. This little tiny thing smaller than a guinea pig really. A tiny black shoelace for a tail and nubs for ears. It was the crying that drew me to him. Rather than howl or yip, he had buried his face in the corner of the enclosure like one would face a wall. And he was crying. And crying and crying. I froze in place, there in PJ Pet's of Pickering, Ontario and stared.

I knew Paul didn't really want a dog. But we had been trying for three years to get pregnant and my heart was heavy. I wanted a dog. Moreover I wanted a companion that I could go on walks with to Frenchman's Bay (we lived beside the lake). Something to train and care for. Something more than my ambivalent cat Joey who always played hard to get and hated everyone but me. Someone that needed me just a little bit more. I was already a Gamer Widow in year three. I needed someone who needed me.

I went into the observation room and sat down as they brought him out. If you have ever heard a chihuahua cry you will understand how horrible it sounds. Like screeching really. Aye Carumba! But the cool thing is this. The second the girl handed him to me... he stopped crying. I cupped him in my hands against my chest and I looked down at him.

"Hey. Why are you making all this noise?"

[Insert head looking up]

"You don't want them to think you are a wuss do you?"

[Insert big blinky eyelashes]

"You're okay baby. I'm Lori."

[Insert waggy tail]

"Do you want to max out my credit card and come home with me?"

[Insert puppy kiss]

I often tell people that the serendipty of finding him at that exact moment was not lost on me. Wandering the mall in a kind of detached sadness I couldn't think of anything I wanted to buy or needed. We had everything. Our Executive Townhouse was kind of cool that way . Tricked out. But that exact moment I knew I needed him.

We clicked. Like Soulmates.

I still remember the choking sound Paul made when I told him.

"He's how much?"

"Uh.. well.. $800"

"For a dog!"

"A chihuahua. A black chihuahua."

"I don't know Lori ... that's a lot"

"Right. How much was your last computer?"

"Excellent point. Bringing him home then?"

"Yep. Asking was really a polite formality."

"Got it."

For the record his computer was about $3000. Diego fully equipped was half that. And Paul's computer croaked five years later. Ten years later Diego is still trucking. Albeit with one eye.

Today scared me. He was in pain. Serious pain and it went from observation to full on pain in one day. So fast. I knew it was coming and I had been struggling to save up for the surgery. I knew I'd need about $1500 and I haven't had that kind of cash around for a while now. About two years. I guess when I lived in my apartment I always kept about two extra months rent in a savings account just in case something happened but with the expenses of living and commuting every day... stuff got eaten up. I don't care if I have to eat peanut butter sandwiches at work for the next four months... $2000 emergency money goes back into my savings and it will NOT be touched no matter what the catastrophe. I like to be prepared. I'll probably sleep better.

And of course I tweeted it. I run to twitter to share what I am going through not for sympathy but more... because knowing someone is listening helps me calm down. I know there isn't anything anyone can really do to help but just SAYING it out loud is a vent. Getting the anxiety out of the way helps me to shift into problem solving mode... which is where the resolution to whatever shit I am going through happens. I found that confiding this in one person (although I frequently tell Alice more stuff than I tell my own mother) is burdensome to one person. It can burn some acquaintances out and I am always apologizing to Alice for my freak outs. But it helps perhaps just to be heard? I don't quite get it completely.

My Manager Sandra was understanding. I have my Peer Review event next weekend so this week but particularly next week are going to be bonkers. Then we get a bit of a breather but I've been running at Mach since before Christmas at my day job. My night jobs (which pay for the luxurious privilege of spending $400-$700 per month on my commute) have been slow for December and picking up a bit in January. So I've been trying to branch out and get more copy writing and projects on the go to bring in the extra income that makes things like... oh I dunno.. Oil changes and movies and Xbox games possible. Living possible I suppose.

I'm grateful for a few things. First that I vented on Twitter to people who cared. I wasn't being a suck, I was being real and in the moment. I have some pretty wise people in my Twitter-cosm and their advice has saved me more than once. Sustained me emotionally in more ways than I understand completely but I am lucky to have them. When I moved into resolution mode Diego was seen today (had to fight to get an appointment priority). Sorted out the pain meds for him so that he wouldn't be uncomfortable. Discussed financing and found an option to allow me to have the surgery ($360 today and an incoming $1200 for the eye removal and suture). Diego will be good as new!

I've always said that I can bide anything but something happening to my Mom or Diego. Those two would be world enders for me (giving you a heads up because I can't even fathom it but... I know I will come apart). The dog that licked my tears away when it was just him and me in a small apartment at Yonge and Davisville. Who walked with me and explored the city when I had to get out and try to feel my pulse again. Find a reason to keep going when I just wanted to crawl into my bed for a decade. My little protector. Source of joy and so much laughter.

I have a few best friends. Diego is one of them.

What a long day. But he is resting. I moved through my anxiety (huge for me) and cut to what needed to be done and found all the resolution I needed at my own hands. Both Mom and Diego are snoring upstairs in a heated Ultramatic bed. Dante is here with me at my ankles looking up at me with his hound dog eyes. Yeah I love you too bonehead... you guys are the only beings on this planet that really truly belong to me. And until the day you die I will move mountains to keep you happy, loved and safe. And healthy.

And people who don't love dogs aren't going to get this at all. Or pets I suppose (cat lovers will relate too). Today when Diego was in pain nothing else mattered but fixing it. And I'm glad I could.

Long day.. I think I'll munch my cold pizza and shoot some more zombies with Dante. I'm glad it ... you know. I'm glad it got sorted and he is okay. My world stopped for such a long few hours not knowing...and it was enough to make sure I am NEVER in this position again.

If you are Canadian and you want some peace of mind, check out Petcard by iFinance at http://petcard.ca/

Half of Two

2012-01-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to have a relationship.

"I'm not a relationship type" I said to Valiant, a businessman and someone that I both admire and respect. "I feel like I've thrown myself into so many lost causes. I mean they taught me stuff but I didn't get half of what I put into them. I just don't have it in me to make another bad investment with no ROI".

He chuckled. He's a guy of few words generally but they are usually great empowering anecdotes. Did I mention he is brilliant and buff and classy and witty and sarcastic? I have a friend-crush. And I'm glad he finds conversations with me interesting enough to deal with what I am sure is a migraine level of lack of logic.

"You don't have to be in a relationship to enjoy romance" he said.
"Right. I can just be like... a Lothario" I replied.
"Right".
"Right. To hell with confining, restricting, dangerously addicting conventional societal imposed constructs."

[Insert girly playa-rawr!]

I'm fairly sure every single person on the planet goes through these emotions. Throw myself into the boxing ring of Love? Hell no. Why? So that I can be someones pseudo-Mommy? Someones emotional training wheels? Why should I continue on the verge of risking emotional bankrupt to educate the mass of single men about the benefits of relationships? Because for all of my nutzo guess what folks? :) I'm a freaking awesome girlfriend. I was a great wife too. I'm good at the relationship thang...

But being a relationship person in an era of non-relationship relating is a bit tricky. If in your heart you really want to be in a steady, warm and loving situation with someone you want to kiss until your lips are numb (did that last night for the record) you have to stick your neck out there. The Black Swan mates for life. Some people are built that way.

I am. But like being a smart person and praying for ignorance I am a relationship person praying for ambivalence and independence. Trying to define myself the way some acquaintances have in "open" relationships or a barrage of "hook ups" (hate that term). I CAN BE A PLAYER. I know how it's done. I've got the tools and the moxy to pull it off. But inside the inner child and inner romantic are always screaming at me. A full fledged spiritual tantrum...

"THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!"

Aside from dating someone in Brampton (the Irish fellow Jamie) I steered clear of serious relationships after breaking up with Scott in May. I was burnt out. You couldn't motivate me to want to engage myself in a relationship. I had stuff to learn, business to run and a lot of writing to distract me. Turning my head away from the unpredictable and focusing on tangibles. Not Love. Not looking backward at mistakes I made. Just being in the present. And I adopted the rebuttals "I'm not interested in a relationship right now" or "I really don't think I am a relationship person". Both of them were protectionist lies.

So when Lucas contacted me an a popular dating site I hadn't logged in for some time. I just wasn't looking. Wasn't interested in being drained by the next in a long series of "Mr. Fix Me" types. There were lots of fish. Lot's of bait. I just wasn't biting.

He kind of slid in under the radar as someone I might hang out with as a single friend. I need more offline friends (or rather build more of an offline social life again). Not as easy as it sounds for divorced folks my age for a number of reasons. And we had plenty in common. And he didn't look like a serial killer. He was actually ... rather handsome. Articulate. Witty and sarcastic. I knew for a fact we'd get along far before we met. My apprehension caused me to cancel two dates with him. That and a tummy ache. Anxiety? You betchya.

This morning I realized I was half of two.

I realized that I may not have planned it and I actually laboured to push him away. I've told Lucas that he dragged me out of my "girl cave" where I was thinking and licking wounds.

"I wasn't ready to have a relationship" I said.
"You wanted to be dragged out" he replied.
"No I didn't".
"Yes you did".
"No. I think I know myself Lucas. I did not."
"Okay."

He has this annoying but really cute way of shutting me down with a cheerful "okay". But even as he says that "okay" his eyes kind of sparkle a bit devilishly in a way that communicates that he is letting me win the debate. Which is infuriating. And.. caring and gentle too. In a very sneaky way.

This morning he hurled a Nerf Dart at another "relationship anxiety" target. I impress myself with the amount of awkward stammering that it elicited. His eyes sparkle when he triggers that response in me. That stammering recovery and crafty topic changing. The problem with dating someone brilliant is that the second I make a conversational "left turn no signal" he brings me back to task. Frustrating. Annoying. Intriguing.

I'm half of two and I love it.

In spite of myself.

Rebuttal to Email-Order Bride

2012-01-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

I love getting these in my email. Spam requests from women all around the world looking to be the next contestant on "The Wife is Right". Most people just delete them and for virus threat I guess I should probably do the same but they do provide some lighthearted laughter in my day as I try to imagine a sweatshop of email spammers desperately trying to ship off women to far reaches of the world...

More than likely just email address phishing. I know. But they still make me giggle.

Clearly I don't get the mail order bride thing. Well I guess I do... I just think its messed up. I have a hard enough time confronting that there are several arranged marriages in our family at all, but the concept of buying a perfect stranger to spend the rest of your life with? Call me a romantic but, yuck! And every time I read one of them I am so tempted to send a rebuttal back to them to scare them out of the concept of email marketing their romantic destiny.

This one I received today:

Find

To singh_ [REDACTED] @hotmail.com

From:	Tracie [REDACTED]
Sent:	January-20-12 8:29:50 AM

Hey!
 
My name is Natalia. I'm searching for new friends all around the world.
And I want to meet my TRUE love.
 
You know, I'm using Dating Services trying to find my ideal man. I saw your dating page online. 
Awesome profile. Sounds like you have a really attractive life.
I think we have a lot in common.
Moreover, you are really handsome!!! I like your picture so much.
 
I want to know more concerning you, write me back!
So if you interested in me please respond me
 
Cheers, Natalia.

Dear Natalia,

It is with great excitement and joy that I respond to your email. I am very certain that I am your true love and I can be a wonderful husband to you. I reside in Canada in a quaint village called tuktoyaktuk. There are not many women here but we have many seals. Do you like seal meat? It is a bit greasy but it is very good and you can use the oil for many useful things such as lamps. Sometimes it gets dark here.

I think I would be a good husband because I can kill many seals and bring you much meat. It can be cold here sometimes but do not let the -42 C weather deter you. I have an igloo that is very warm and I have decorated it in a calming neutral white color scheme. I think that women like interior design. There are also many furs and pelts.

I do not believe that a woman should do all the cooking. I do not cook well but there are many types of fish that I will bring to you to eat that you can eat uncooked. Do you like fish eyes? Do not be alarmed they are quite good and very healthy.

I do not have a fancy car but I have many pet dogs that are very fast. I was very sad when some of the polar bears ate my favourite dogs but I have purchased new ones to pull my sled. Do you like to sled? It is very fun as long as the ice remains thick. Sometimes it breaks which can be bad. I lost my first wife that way I am sad to say.

I do take a shower once per week but I think you will find that I smell very nice. A natural smell is always best and I have been told I smell like the Old Spice man in the commercial. I do not know who that is but he must fish a lot too. I think he lives on a boat.

After the seal hunt this year I am very confident I can provide a one way ticket for you to Tuktoyaktuk to start a new life with me. Would you like to? Springtime is coming soon and I want to make babies.

Love,

Aituserk

=======================================

I'll let you know if I get a response. :)

Divorce: Spouse to Sparring

2012-01-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

In the lowest parts of my divorce a friend told me that it was a process. There were certain psychological stages to a divorce that everyone went through as a matter of procedure. If you think you are a different creature compared to every other human being on the planet, think again. There are some instances where humans behave in very typical, repeatable and statistically reliable ways in terms of their actions and reactions. We all have Emotional IQ (EQ).

We are all human.

It was one of the moments that really stuck out in the last six years of my life. That reaching out to me to pat me on the shoulder and say "Hang in there kiddo. It sucks. But it does get better." Watching a few people I know go through divorce and someone I care very deeply about now (Lucas) for some reason divorce is really on my mind lately. The impact of it.

Compared to some divorces mine was relatively easy I realize now in hindsight. We had no children and the most detailed part of our separation agreement pertained to our pets. Three cats, two dogs and a bird.   We could not have kids so ... mothering the fur/feather balls became a plausible placebo. But we didn't have to negotiate child custody or visitation rights. We didn't have to deal with "who else" would be influencing our children or worry about two different environments for our kids and the impact on them.   A divorce with children involved is so much harder. On everyone.

Just ask my sister who was 13 at the time.  It changed her.
My parents get a D- in Divorce.

There is an emotional cost to divorce that I think has been forgotten. Or perhaps because divorce is so common it is brushed under the rug. Lean into a conversation about divorce and the questions will fly like "who is getting primary custody of the kids?" or "who is getting the house" ... and then add all the nosey questions that people like to ask about the cash, cars and lottery items. I knew one couple that fought for two months straight over the FAEMA espresso machine before I offered to fucking buy them a second one to end the fighting. Such is the nitty gritty of rubbernecking someone elses divorce right?   WHO GETS THE STUFF!!!   Because ... that's what matters most.

Why don't people ask more questions like "Are you okay?" Sometimes when you ask that question the divorcing friend can take offense quickly. "Why .. don't I look okay?" ... "Yes I'm fine. No big deal." but in your heart you know that these are thinly veiled "leave me the fuck alone" when your query lands before they are comfortable to discuss it. Or perhaps these check-ins happen too early in the divorce, when you are in what I call 'Survival Mode' where everything just seems surreal. Back and forth to the Lawyers, paperwork and pulling up archivals. Changing policies and beneficiaries... you get mired in the administrative aspect of the process.

But... How ... Are ... You?

No one ever asked me that. Not once. In fact my whole family left me alone in the process. I consider my first lessons in love were "nothing lasts forever... everything has an expiration date and you had better have your own back because no one else will".

"I'm fine. We're making headway" is something I'd say a lot. Or the polite "I'm alright. He's doing well too. We just want to get it over with." But inside me was a bleeding and broken spirit. The inner dialog was more like this...

I can't believe I am getting divorced. I thought divorce was something that happened to stupid people that chose the wrong spouses or folks that get married just for the sake of getting married and you know we were very responsible and smart and normal. How is this happening? I must have chosen the wrong person. How could I have been so stupid to think we were compatible? We are so oppositional and opposite in every possible domain there is no common ground. Why did I stay so long? Why the fuck did I stay years when I was so unhappy and making him unhappy and letting him make me unhappy? If we had done this years ago I would be over this all right now. Maybe I would be able to get married and still try to have children if I had got out sooner! Why didn't I? Why did I have to leave it so long until we were fighting and why did I have to follow in my parents footsteps? I mean come on... I saw the shit that happened with their World War III divorce and I swore that I would never ever let that happen to me. I would marry someone I loved and someone who valued me. Someone who made me laugh and someone I would compliment and stay with from altar to nursing home and here I am single. After buying two houses here I am single in an apartment. I've done everything right in my life and yet... here I am single and divorced, the ultimate failure of being unable to make a marriage work. The marriage is such an important part of your life... the one critical thing I couldn't get right. What did I do wrong? Why didn't I know it would end up this way? I'm so embarrassed that it's all fallen apart... and I wonder if they all blame me. I blame us. I blame me. I'm smarter than this outcome. I should have known better and now I am going to have to start my life over. Will I ever get married again? What's the point? Clearly I suck at it. And who would want to marry someone who has been divorced with all sorts of baggage and issues around it? I'm middle aged, childless and divorced... wow. I think I'll develop some kind of a nasty addiction in keeping with allowing my life to fall into the shithole it has... Everything I defined myself by... is lost.

And all the while that stuff was playing like an unending track in my head I was telling friends I was "Fine". For the record folks when I say "Fine..." I never mean it.  It's the word I use to evade your line of questioning.

Be more compassionate to people who are going through divorce. It really is the end of a lot of things (not the least of which is a dream meticulously built for a happy future together).  Think of Divorce as the death of a dream. There will be other dreams formulated but the grieving that comes with it... is natural. Human. And so is the anger which is nothing more than a way of processing the grief for people who can't articulate their pain in another way.

I have learned that anger and fury are thin veils for pain and heartbreak and fear.

Rather than ask them if they are okay... do something with them that makes them feel human. I would have killed to have someone come over to my apartment and just watch movies with me. Diane became such a lifeline to me because we would go out to dinner. My beloved best friend that always knows when I am lying about being okay. Her divorce gave her tools to help me through mine. My divorce gave me tools to help a number of online acquaintances and friends. My journey through grief in a number of areas has given me insight to how much of a natural process it is to grieve. And how important it is to have people around you that make you feel human throughout it.

You are turning perception in a divorce. You are changing someone you were in love with to someone you almost have to despise in order to part with them. How many divorces end in friendship? Not many. There is a deep spiritual cost to making that 180 degree turn in your heart. Friend to foe. Spouse to sparring to sort out the details of the divorce. It hurts. A lot. There is a thin line between Love and Hate and essentially.. Hate is an expression of deep love in pain. Or it would be ambivalence. You only hate those you love if you think about it.

I hate the fact that people have forgotten that divorce... is hard on the soul. So if you know someone going through a divorce stop asking them if they "are okay". Go pick the up and take them to the movies. Make them a homemade dessert to enjoy. Grab the dogs and take them for a walk. Help them remember their humanity in a very inhumane experience. It matters.

PS: It mattered Diane. xx

Mara's Wings

2012-01-16T05:09:00.000-08:00

To some people she was just the cleaner.

Some short tiny dark skinned portugese lady that smiled and nodded when you looked at her. People here often thought she was stupid and treated her as such, particularly when stuff went missing once or twice over night. My theory is that "anyone" could have taken anything. I never suspected Mara for the missing Lululemon pants. I knew for a fact she was too honest for that. The woman wouldn't take a thing if you paid her unlike some people where I work. But I digress...

When you work the events that I do for my employer you spend a lot of late evenings and weekends (quarterly). It was during those massive clean ups after my 14 hour days (70+ weeks on event weeks) that I grew to admire Mara. I learned that she wasn't just "the cleaning lady" but that her english was so poor that it was the only job she could get. And she had to work midnights because she took care of family in the day time. Not her children. Extended family. And they didn't have much.

In 2006 I began to befriend her and look forward to catching up at every event I coordinated. While some people disregarded the Portuguese Cleaner I understood Mara. She was intelligent and enterprising. She didn't just have a cleaning job she ran a company with other Portuguese immigrants and would tell me in excitement of all the new contracts she was picking up. New companies that were thrilled with her services and business acumen. I wonder if they treated her with the respect she was due. Her ESL classes were going great and I gently corrected her English (as she asked me to) when we spoke. I watched her master the language with a beautiful accent.

In 2008 Mara told me she was progressing through a law clerk program. I was thrilled for her! She continued to run her business on the side and it supported her and her family as well as created other job opportunities for Portuguese members of her community. She had nudged a couple of them into ESL classes as well for no other reason than to see them thrive in Canada, a country that she said was "cold" heheh... but the most amazing country on the planet.

I happened to agree with her.

Over the years there were holidays and news. Boyfriends came and went. Mara found me crying at my cubicle the week I asked my spouse for divorce and spoke to me for almost an hour about making hard choices. She had made some herself and it was the kind of conversation that stays with you forever. The kind that happens between some women... she is a bit older than me. She gave me the strength to go home that night and confront the end of my marriage. And she gave me a real hug. The tight squeezing kind that tells you everything is going to be okay.

Any time I had an event I would wrap up food for Mara. I knew her budget was tight and she was feeding a lot of people on her small income. When you order catering for events there is always a truck load of stuff left over. Bacon. Pastries. Sometimes whole bowls of untouched salads and dressings. Sometimes some good hot stuff like chicken or vegetable platters, or rolls and butter. I would wrap this up for her to take home, leaving it on the table of the basement kitchen with a note if I missed her or if she arrived late.

"For you Mara xoxox Lori"

A month ago she told me I wouldn't see her at work again. I panicked and questioned her quickly but she launched into a big hug.

"Lori Lori you always worry too much"
"As long as nothing happened. Are you okay? You aren't sick are you?"
"No no no.. Lori. Something nice. My business is good now and I am almost done my diploma. I have trained enough people and enough contracts to stay home now and run my business and focus on my school. I have a couple Portuguese lawyers who are interested already in hiring me."

[Insert girly squeee and hug]

"Don't go without giving me your email Mara... I want to hang out with you."

[Insert Mara getting choked up and me looking bewildered - women crying freaks me out]

"Okay okay Lori. I am so happy you want to. Yes. I will give you my email before I go".

This morning I arrived at 7:20 a.m. and found this note on my keyboard. I covered up her email address of course but what a start to my week. A reminder that sometimes the world may not understand you and that's okay. I saw her for who she was. She saw me for who I was. And both of us understood that we were in transition... becoming something more. We will stay in touch. And if she allows me to I will take her out to dinner to celebrate her first job as a Law Clerk.

I love you too Mara. Go get 'em baby!

Push

2012-01-15T05:18:00.000-08:00

My first thought this morning is the word "Push". I'm embarrassed to say it came to me in the bathroom (as many of my bright ideas do - and what's up with that anyhow?). I had been woken up by two pouncing chihuahuas desperate to go to the bathroom and wishing they would have found a more gentle way to wake me up than taking a flying leap to land on my stomach. Nonetheless pooches outside and me inside with one load of towels already in the wash and one tumbling about in the dryer I thought of "Push".

Push isn't something you do.

It's something you have.

PUSH is the thing that gets me up every morning doing the kind of commute that would end some complainers. In the poor weather its really 2.5 to 3 hours each way (depending) and it's hard to relax even when Officer Jon is driving and we pass by cars in the ditch or other perils. Most times I do sleep though and I am grateful for the arrangement with my parents friends. By Thursday morning I promise you... I am a complete Zombie. But still there is PUSH.

There is a difference between a workaholic and someone with PUSH. I have goals. Very tangible ones that even if they progress slowly (inches some days instead of steps) I am still pleased to watch the momentum heading toward something that is for my life. My goals and dreams are on track (even if just by the teaspoon at times). I have PUSH to see it happen. Not to prove anything to anyone... except myself.

PUSH is the thing that helps me take a deep breath when there is conflict between others (my own life is blissfully conflict free since last Fall). It is the thing that doesn't allow my creative mind and softer creative heart to become discouraged by the things I see people do to each other. I see everything. I really do. But I am able to PUSH it aside and assist if I can. And if not? I am able to PUSH it aside and leave the accountability of it in the hands of those that own it.

PUSH is what has me checking my finances and schedule despite disappointing setbacks. Despite wanting to live closer to work so that the cost of travel doesn't eat up so much of my income. PUSH is smiling at the little steps. Okay. Camera paid off. Awesome! Next?

PUSH is what forces me through assorted bits of anxiety to stretch myself in new directions. Yesterday was a big demonstration of PUSH because the old me would have (and has done in the past) given up. Too hard! I mean I am not an I.T. person I can't do that kind of complicated .... wait. Why can't I? I can ask questions right? I know people who may know, correct? But what I learned or reminded myself yesterday is that asking questions to solve an issue is one thing. Having PUSH to keep asking... asking.... trying .. asking until you hit the sweet spot of victory? That is uncommon. It's a new Lori feature and I really like it. Redirected stubbornness? No one has ever called me stubborn .. (erm). I'm just going to call it PUSH.

I have PUSH to be in the financial black. I have it to be in a relationship that inspires and delights me. I have PUSH to hone my skills and teach myself to focus (I can move mountains when I am directed). I have PUSH to be kind even when others are not. I have PUSH at my day job again (funny how a raise can really make you feel appreciated and re-inspired). I have PUSH to get physically fit and take perfect care of my health. Perfect care of me for a change! What a concept... I have PUSH to be a better person and a stronger one and there is a huge PUSH inside me to surround myself with other people who have PUSH.

So essentially my fortune cookie-ism for the day is this. If the stuff you want to happen isn't happening for you...

where

YOUR

PUSH?

PS: You guys thought I'd embed "Push It" by Salt 'n Peppa? Nyah. Too predictable! [chuckle]
But this song is in my top 10 favourites of all time by my #1 favourite band, Matchbox 20.
This video resonates for me big time. Enjoy!

Social Media Crowdsourcing Demo

2012-01-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

We live in an interesting world. My world where the crux of my social life exists online is pretty interesting. I don't know many people who are as blessed with so many amazing acquaintances and friends around the world. Albeit somewhat evangelical at times, I always struggle to explain the value of my digital social life. The tangibility of it. The reality of my virtual reality because in reality none of it is virtual. It's just long distance friendships in an unconventional format.

And I love unconventional!

Here is a great example of how people who have never met, but who have been friends for a year.. two years ... or more use social networks to help each other over oceans and from continents away. I am doing this both to thank my friends and also to show the non-netizens of the world... how we roll. On a daily and weekly basis. Helping. Sharing. Social media crowdsourcing demonstration.

My graphics card is working for general stuff but will not work to run Second Life which has (cough) a few fairly strenuous requirements for the 3D graphics engine.

The first suggestions from friends came quickly via Twitter. Since I had done a wipe and reinstall of the machine (after it nuked itself) I had not reinstalled drivers. The quick fix would be to install the appropriate driver for the graphics card. Problem being.. I did not know which card I had. To boot... there is no way in hell I am confident enough to stick my head under the hood and find out. But my PC refused to acknowledge or list the card on it's directory. So a bit of a problem, yeah?

Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe if you go to the nVidia site, they have a tool you download that detects whjat card you have

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elishakitty Elisha Paklena

@Skylar_Smythe Oh, because I seem to be missing some of mine :/

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@kourtstock followed you

kourtstock Kourtney Stock

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_ossian_ Ossian

@Skylar_Smythe I'm guessing that the card isn't sitting right. If you open the PC you can gently push all the cards into place then restart

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_ossian_ Ossian

@Skylar_Smythe If you right click on DEHLIA and choose "Scan for new hardware" maybe it will pick the card up.

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Wendy_Ferguson Wendy

@Skylar_Smythe It's easy peasy to install-you're very bright it'll be a walk in the park.

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Wendy_Ferguson Wendy

@Skylar_Smythe http://twitpic.com/87894r - Ahh, delete, delete delete...will be ok!

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DustinAckerman Dustin Ackerman

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe ahahaha cant beat chocolate for breakfast XD

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe thats actually a pretty awesome idea :) gives you a sense of achievement i guess :)

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe i love the sound of your dream :) its good to have a dream, couse if you dont have one, how can you have one come true?

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe my dream is, hopefully, to go freelance and move somewhere like cornwall :)

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe oh yh :) we have an amazing team :) i woudnt want to do anything else :)

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DennyBonetto Denny Bonetto

@Skylar_Smythe my antivirus regime has served me well so far, never used Norton or McAfee, they are rubbish, I use FireFox & Chrome browsers

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe oh god... you didnt watch thoes meet the team videos we had to do did you? :/ lol your right, it is a great place to work :)

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DennyBonetto Denny Bonetto

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe I don't use IE either, nothing I use requires it

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MrVulcan Bert Visscher

@Skylar_Smythe "Bluescreens shots"? If you mean what I think you do, then...OUCH! :O

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe hahaha no worries, although he did leave yesterday :( if you though i was @tomjamesedwards ill take it as a compliment :P lol

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DennyBonetto Denny Bonetto

@Skylar_Smythe I use the free Microsoft security essentials with spybot search and destroy and advanced system care

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe right now i just got a windows laptop that is terrible at almost everything :P

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jaxgalthie Jax Galthie

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe Sorry to jump but I agree. Stinks you even need on your system to make other work.

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe haha you had that one coming!! :P lol

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Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

@Skylar_Smythe I just sent you a @shortmail. Claim your account at http://shortmail.com

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Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

An open conversation to help @Skylar_Smythe PC issue - if you can help, join please: http://shml.me/2qSN

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mcgillivary Thorgal McGillivary

@Skylar_Smythe @SLAnnOtoole avg works just fine... as long as you realise what you are using it for and update frequently...

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe im thinkin bout getting a imac in the next few weeks

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Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

@Skylar_Smythe okay - see post I reply to: you never really say what the problem is, what is your computer DOING (not what it's not doing)?

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MrVulcan Bert Visscher

@Skylar_Smythe @SLAnnOtoole I've used AVG AntiVirus Free for longer than I care to remember already.

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MrVulcan Bert Visscher

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe Not if they can't find a way to use it against Norton AntiVirus.

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Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

@Skylar_Smythe this is where you are reversed: you already know OS X is more reliable than windows. -wink- Still reading back...

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Skylar_Smythe the hackers exposed the source code for norton antivirus so that program is useless now.

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe oh EVERYTHING was "plug-and-play" was it? ;) lol

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe haha awsomeness :) mac is the way forward though :P

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Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

@Skylar_Smythe I am Pacific time so I came in late (just awoke) - I'll read back, see if I can help - but no promises. :)

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Skylar_Smythe I use paid for avast. can't help with freebie programs.

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GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

@Skylar_Smythe LMAO!!!! thats micro-shite for you :P

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AlterEgoTrip_Se ✰ Alter ✰

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe

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AlterEgoTrip_Se ✰ Alter ✰

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe glad you mention that.. if your entire operating system is based upon Windows..& even though I only use Firefox>

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_ossian_ Ossian

If you right-click My Computer, choose Manage, then Device Manager, then Display Adapters, you should see your card's specs. @Skylar_Smythe

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Skylar_Smythe Nor do you *need* google chrome. you don't need google anything.

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LadySakai Lady Sakai/Alexandra

@Skylar_Smythe I use Win7 and even wihth XP I just had it set to update automaticly when I shut off the comp

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_ossian_ Ossian

If you give the make and model of your computer it might to be possible to make a close guess as to what your card is. @Skylar_Smythe

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Skylar_Smythe No you don't. There is nothing that relies on IE except IE. Sorry. You have been fed bullshit. I have had no IE for years.

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MrVulcan Bert Visscher

@Skylar_Smythe Not a wise thing to do. What about setting updates to install automatically?

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe Not hard if you're patient, so might be hard for you :-P hehehehe If you can summon patience, it's not terribly hard

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Kostika Kostika

@Skylar_Smythe Use avira instead. 10 time better than AVG

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MrVulcan Bert Visscher

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe I didn't know that. I do know that Firefox is better. That's why I've been using it for quite some time already.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@SLAnnOtoole @Skylar_Smythe Unfortunately in that era, many things relied on IE being there, even specific versions of it, for stuff to work

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Skylar_Smythe should have downloaded mozilla firefox. iE is worm infested.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe everything you have so far is probably running on it's most conservative (safest) settings

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe motherboard drivers are also really important to set up memory timings and other stuff correctly so graphic card can go turbo

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe I've had cards that worked fine, even allowed install of advanced drivers but caused PC reboot as soon as 3D mode was entered

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe not so. There are dozens of modules on it that get progressively enabled as it moves from bootup to full 3D accelleration

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe Do you know why it coraked a year ago? Is it possible it was the graphics card that croaked? I had 2 or 3 die using SL

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe did you do all 372 windows updates yet?

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merrygynoid Radnour Acton-Page

@Skylar_Smythe Doesn't NVIDIA have a universal driver on thier webdite?

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taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe Fingers crossed.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe Have you installed the drivers for the motherboard devices? Go to the PC vendors website and do that first.

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taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe Or, you could try this tool which might be able to identify make/model for you: http://bit.ly/1Icxo

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taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe Tip: The make and model are usually stenciled on the graphics card itself. Eyeballing it with a torch might help.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe in the device manager tree, pick the vid card, and in the properties/Details tab, pick hardware ids.

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taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe AGP or PCIe or don't know?

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SkateFoss Skate Foss

@Skylar_Smythe Stop the Suffering! Turn on the #%&$! Mac and use it!

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@GenerateUK_Sam retweeted you

Crying at this point solves nothing... that only works if you have a husband.

…

GenerateUK_Sam Sam Buxcey

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe OS X does the exact same thing as UAC, but they planned it better so it doesn't need to ask as often.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe I liked Vista, but I don't mind being asked whether I want to allow something to make changes or not. UNIXers used to that

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taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe In most cases, I believe the latest nvidia drivers cover *most* of the cards they've made in the last half decade.

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe Windows should put up a dialog saying 'this app is from nVidia.. do you want to let it make changes' or something like that

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe No.. it will be a .exe with a fairly long name that you need to run.

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DaleInnis Dale Innis

@Skylar_Smythe : this may be too late, but if all else fails, could open box and see what's written on the card? :)

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@DaleInnis retweeted you

#MyLife ... attempting to fix PC on the floor and dog runs by with a thong in his mouth ... #nice

…

DaleInnis Dale Innis

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe OK.. so if you were a guy that would mean you have a 12" monitor, but I'll take you at your word

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe just get the latest drivers and install them. They will just work. Trust us /cc @PatchouliW

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe You must be on XP, because I think Vista and later will at least know what the card is and not a ?

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe The ? is normal for a card with no driver installed. Windows update might at least identify it, but not give you driver

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SLAnnOtoole Ann Otoole

@Ideajuice @Skylar_Smythe will probably have to be run several times before it works. keep banging on the nvidia door,

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe You probably have a GeForce 200 series if it was a gaming machine circa 2 years back

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe http://bit.ly/aC3ASR <- nVidia 'SmartScan' - it will scan your PC and fix you up

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Ideajuice CodeWarrior Carling

@Skylar_Smythe What @PatchouliW said. Just go to the nVidia site and look for their driver install wizard

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PatchouliW Patchouli Woollahra

@Skylar_Smythe @Ideajuice as of 2008, NVidia already offered unified drivers for their cards. the latest Detonator should work.

taterunino Tateru Nino

@Skylar_Smythe In most cases, I believe the latest nvidia drivers cover *most* of the cards they've made in the last half decade.

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The install of the universal driver for NVIDIA didn't work. I posted a screen shot on Twitpic to show my friends. Crash and burn. PC 1 vs. Skylar 0 But I was damned if I wasn't going to figure out everything and see if a new graphics card was required. Girls like me get ripped off all the time at computer places (except Canada Computers on Spadina... I love you guys!).

Repeat after me Lori. Updates are important. Updates ARE important. When you click "later gator" on them bad things happen. Very... cumulative bad things. See my Mac Powerbook would never do this shit to me and perhaps my brain has turned into one big Apple (pun intended). Mom forgot to mention to me that the antivirus had expired so I downloaded the free AVG (for now) version and ran a tune up on the PC. And yeah... well. Ouchie. My bad. That's totally my fault and I downloaded the free repair kit that came with AVG (they rock) to fix the issues that it identified. All 3213 of them. Heheh... I uh. I have no excuse for it. Not even an "oops". But after the repair job I tried Second Life. No joy. Graphics card error message. :( By this point a bunch of Twitter buds were on it with me (bless you guys for tolerating my questions).

THE QUESTION MARK OF DOOM!

Sir_Winnie Sir Winston™

@Skylar_Smythe right-click "Video Controller" - choose properties and tell what it says here or in the conversation at

_ossian_ Ossian

@Skylar_Smythe I'm guessing that the card isn't sitting right. If you open the PC you can gently push all the cards into place then restart

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_ossian_ Ossian

@Skylar_Smythe If you right click on DEHLIA and choose "Scan for new hardware" maybe it will pick the card up.

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Not a complete loss. I moved my computer back downstairs and set up my work station as it used to be in my apartment. Optimal for volume writing. Sub-optimal for Farmville (sorry Mum ... lets get you your own computer). Virus free and new anti virus on the PC. Good... good. Repairs and tune up done. Good... all 47 (blush) Windows updates done. And the conclusion that either my video card is not sitting right in it's slow ... (makes pleading look at Lucas) ... or new video card is required.

That was productive. Start time: 9:15 a.m. and finished at 11:30 a.m. Proof positive I know some of the kindest sweetest hearts in the world and a friendly demonstration of the power of social media crowdsourcing.

Which by the way... also gave me my blog post for today. [Scratches that off the list].

Now for some Mom food!

Economic Morality

2012-01-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

I can't go into details why I know so much on this topic except to say that while I haven't always been the best with money, post divorce I'm brilliant with it.

Perhaps it was the shock of going from comfortable two income to a one income status. My former worked for IBM and was an excellent provider. I had some decent full time jobs in marketing. Since the age of 14 I believe I have been unemployed a total of three months. I haven't taken advantage of assistance programs of any sort. I've always felt it was my job to take care of myself. And it is.

At least that was the moral inheritance given me.

There have been times when I have not had a traditional job. I started businesses instead. Resume writing, organic dog cookies and importing fashionable puppy togs "Puppy Togs 'N Treats" was my catchy business name. I have subcontracted myself for fixed terms. I find work. No matter what. And the job may not have paid well or been glamorous but I was doing my bit by pulling my weight.

I can always take care of myself. And very well at that.

I read a lot of business articles and economic forecasts. Why do we feel the need to hold on to the wasteful abundant 1980's like expectations of the Global Economy? The fucking thing has crashed people. And badly. Some Governments are beyond bankrupted and while that seems to not be our problem, if all those countries do fall in credit so do we. We hold their debt. And we owe to others.   Such is the complex web of macroeconomics.

Did I mention I won an academic award for economics? :) I haz smart...

The point is that the world hasn't learned much of a lesson on the microeconomics level to give me much hope that things are going to improve. Governments are now saying what people want to hear "we are aiming for balanced budgets" but to stay in power they can't be frugal while we all scream at them to spend more money. Right?   Yet when a government grossly overspends we get pissed off and oust them. Hypocritical? You betcha!

Even on the nuclear level I am not seeing much change. People are continuing to leverage lines of credit to sustain a false sense of prosperity. What do you mean you have to use your credit card for a $400 repair? Why the fuck don't you have $4-5k in savings like every responsible family should?   Paying $100 for a dinner on your credit card is tantamount to paying $300 for it if you don't pay it off in a year running your perpetual revolving credit balances.

The terms "how much do I have left on my credit card" or "It's okay I'll put it on plastic" should not exist right now for any intelligent human being capable of watching what is going on in the Global Markets. I hear from friends in the USA just how bad the job market is there and yet everyone is still spending... spending... spending hoping they will be able to spend themselves into recovery?

That's not how it works.

Canadian Tire Money ... won't buy my condo

Depending on where you live your house value may have fallen. Whoops! So if you plan was to sell your house to pay off debt that cluster fuck might well blow up in your face. And while we are on the topic of houses which keep getting bigger and bigger and more costly as energy costs climb... why the fuck do you need 8 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms for 2-3 occupants? Unless you are running a Bed and Breakfast what the hell is wrong with your head? You are heating, cooling, cleaning square footage that never gets used!

Penny wise and pound foolish. It really sickens me. First and most of all when I see someone as smart as me making really stupid financial mistakes. Some I am deliberately choosing to make some decisions which are putting me on hold a bit (but still progressing). Reasons for it. But there are some things I can change to improve my financial goals in 2012.

I know. It's a list. You know I love them...

Economic Morality Overhaul

The Nix List

Bought lunches
Bought breakfasts
Unnecessary car trips
Zero balance cash savings
Expensive dates
APP addiction
Car loan
Credit card

The Good Stuff

Private pension
Big raise this year
Carpooling saves $100 per week
Opportunity to make more via subcontract writing

I have a one year, a five year and a ten year plan with benchmarks set so that I can keep track of where I am going and how I am getting there. By being aware of my finances from a micro level (and essentially to kick my ass into doing the stuff I already know I should be doing) at the end of four years when I move out of my parents home... I'll be something of a midlife Rockefeller. I might even treat myself to that gorgeous black leather living room set I've always wanted. And yeah... I'll be paying cash for that.

Ready to get out of your financial rut and take some action? Here are some articles I read that helped me get my priorities straight and to flesh it out like a game I will win... because it's going to be a fun challenge.

Financial Health Quiz

Thrifty Fun

Vacations, fancy high heels, really nice clothes and a condo of my own are all waiting for me to get my act together. Consider me on it. :)

The Importance of a Jammie Day

2012-01-07T04:18:00.000-08:00

I'm completely tired!

For no reason. Although my friend Alice put it nicely "Full time job, twenty hour commute, new romance, part time writing... why would you be tired?" Most weeks I am able to deny my "tired" by pumping myself full of coffee or diet soda which jolts me into the overdrive required to do what I have to do.

And then some weeks... my body just ain't buying it.

Now everyone at work has some kind of bacterial or viral chest Ebola. I felt a bad one coming on before Christmas but I think adrenaline kicked it and scared it straight out of my body. I'd like to think my ability to scream at my insides and go "I'm too busy to get sick!" works from time to time. Mind over matter and stuff.

This week I was tired. Falling asleep in the car tired. Jacking myself up with coffee at work tired. Not cranky tired... I was too tired to be cranky frankly. The dogs woke me up at 7am this morning to be let out (hey they have a schedule too) so before I crawl back into bed I am declaring something important.

Today is a bonafide Jammie Day!

I will not be:

Running errands
Doing housework
Cooking huge complicated meals
Spending hordes of time online (that makes me tired too)
Chatting non stop

I will be:

Lounging in bed
Watching movies on my bigscreen
Transferring DVDS to binders (can do that while watching movies)
Eating popcorn
Drinking Diet Pepsi with crushed ice
Napping
Dog snuggling
Pillow flopping
Hosting one poetry event in Second Life at 4pm my time
Shooting zombies on Xbox

Surveying the mess of coughing, gagging and hacking people in my workplace and adding up the math of being as tired as I am, I have realized that a Jammie Day is in order. Without guilt... this chick is NOT doing anything today at all... but chill'axing.

Try it sometime :) We used to do it as teenagers and never do it as adults... but we need to do it more as adults than ever before in our lives. The two loads of laundry will wait until Sunday. As will the few household chores. And my Mom owes me a freaking dinner today... its been 2.5 weeks since I had Mom food.

Back to bed.

Hot Pot Talk

2012-01-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

I love soup!

Hot pot rocks. If you haven't tried it yet it is a really cool conversational meal best shared with friends. You basically sit down at a customized table that has stove elements built in for each occupant. You order your favourite broth and they bring you a large pot of it which is heated in front of you. You then get up and head to the buffet to choose items to cook inside your own custom soup.

What kinds of items?

Mushrooms (my favourite!) and assorted cress and veggies and healthy stuff. Dim sum pieces that can be dropped into your soup and pheasant eggs (which are really tiny hardboiled eggs from alien chickens in my imagination). Also thinly sliced (and frozen) beef, chicken, lamb and pork that can be cooked in your rolling broth.

They have a separate table for seasonings (every kind of sauce you can imagine!) and chili's. I really love hot food as it gives me such an adrenaline rush while my innards liquify... that I usually overload the chili.

Diane: "Your soup looks a little bland"
Me: "I need more chili"
Diane: "Be careful. Remember last time..."

[insert my rolling of eyes at BFF]

Fifteen minutes later...

Me: "Shit. This is ..."
Diane: "Told ya"
Me: "Good... I meant good!" [insert wince]
Diane: "You always put too much in."
Me: "Do not!" [wince]

[Insert chuckle from Diane and Dushani]

We discussed the Xbox at great length. A large gift given to me for Christmas by Lucas who asked me not to overanalyze it. Pff... I don't overanalyze anything! It's just that it's a large gift. And a new blossoming ... something we don't understand yet let alone really have a label for. My dogs like him. But an Xbox? What does that mean?

Diane: "Holy. That's a big gift."
Me: "Yeah it is."
Dushani: "He must really like you"
Me: "But I don't like gifts"
Diane: "You don't owe someone when they do something nice you know"
Me: "I wasn't thinking that I did"
Diane: "Right."

Her intuitive nature bugs me sometimes. Could be why I love her but I hate being wrong. She tends to be ... on occasion ... right.

Me: "So I wanted to make sure I spoiled him back"
Diane: "It's not a score card"
Me: "I KNOW THAT!"

It's not?

I was very thankful for two "top up" shots of basic chicken stock to water down my over chilified soup which was truly... liquifying my innards at the speed of light but since I did not want to appear to be "wrong" in front of Diane I continued to gulp it down in a great deal of agony.

Stubborn? Whatever...

Dushani: "I think he sounds nice"
Me: "Yeah, he really is"
Diane: "About time you dated someone normal and nice"
[insert glare]

As the passionless eyes of the dead shrimp heads from Sandra (Diane's sister) stared up at me from the left (ewww) I went into that place in my head where all the gears turn. You know... the ones I'm so sure that no one can see turning even when apparently, everyone can.

I popped a mushroom in my mouth that exploded with hot broth. One of the pitfalls of hotpot is the "grenade" item. These cylindrical asian mushrooms are my favourite... but deadly if you don't squeeze the broth out of them with your chop sticks.

I stared across the table and my Best Friend in the entire world smiled. A lot to think about. Too much. What if I did the unthinkable and just... rolled with it? Was just... quite simply happy for a bit without looking for the Trojan Horse? I used to be that girl once upon a time...

How Happy Makes You Fat!

2012-01-05T06:43:00.000-08:00

Lean mean writing machine.

That's me when I am single. I forget to take my pills and subsist mostly on really strong Colombian coffee with tank loads of Splenda, carrot sticks, nachos, good cheese and Diet Pepsi. It works for me. It helped me lose 22 pounds last year. I was lonely and miserable and single and jaded and bitter and ambivalent and lonely and driven and lonely and...

Oh. Boyfriend? Cool!

But unexpected. I went through May to December without having one. Near misses a couple times but I had bragged that I would sail through the holiday season with my parents in Florida (hence no lemon pies from Mom) and nobody to cook for or hang with (Tracey and the kids moved far away). I could have my holiday of writing, eating very badly and minimalistic ... being miserable but working my way to the svelte vision in my own head.

Boyfriends are bad for the waistline. Let me explain how!

1. Going Out to Dinner
There are many times I am out and about. I am a commuter and when I drive down to Downtown Toronto alone, sometimes I am tempted to stop for dinner on the way home. As a single person though I have kind of trained myself into thinking that eating dinner out, by myself... is pathetic. It's a waste of money when I am pretty happy with a giant Diet Pepsi and a couple of spicy taquitos from the corner 7/11. Last night we went to Moxie's in Yorkdale (I love that restaurant - the booths rock and the waitresses are so sexy in their skimpy black dresses). I digress... Lucas was a good influence though. We ordered two dinner salads with steak and beets and healthy junk.

2. Sex
I'm sure it came to mind for you as well. If you are having sex with someone (and not your battery operated placebo) chances are you are burning more calories right? I mean if you are good at it (uhem...) but it should help you trim down not plump up right?

But sex is tiring! By the second go at it in the evening you are really exhausted. This increases the likelihood of late night snack. Last night at 11pm I was noshing on Cabernet Fig Jelly and Boisin Garlic Cheese on these freaking AMAZING artisan crackers that had dried cranberries and other bits of this and that's. Diet Pepsi. Yep. I would have shot zombies and gone to bed without that snack but post-coital munchies hit.

3. Cooking Together
I'm a foodie. A real foodie (I tend to hide it along with many domesticity's of my former wife life). So when I had the opportunity to spend three days in my parents empty house with him cooking? It was heaven. We ate, we drank and kissed. And cooked. And kissed. And ate. And kissed and... you get the picture. Cooking is an act of intimacy and an amazing icebreaker. Let's just say if I had stuck to nibbling only on Lucas I wouldn't be concerned about stepping on the scale.

4. Mood Food
I am happy! God damn it miserable for me is far easier. It's less embarrassing for one as people expect me to be a broody poetess and they tend to notice when I am overly chirpy. I get teased at work for it now. But when I am sad, I don't eat. It's an awesome weight loss strategy! Stay blue and your pants will slide up and down without having to do the buttons or zippers. Get happy? Oh dear...

5. Tiring Schedule
My former schedule of work... home... eat ... work... sleep afforded very little time to have fun. Having fun is awesome and having someone around to have fun with? Just incredible. But I have to get used to it too. There is someone new in my schedule that ramps up my Tweets, text messages, phone calls, emails and visits in Second Life. And then there is an Xbox that Lucas bought me for Christmas and couple time shooting zombies and stuff. I am loving every minute of it but I am also aware that I'm a little tired too. Which makes me eat a little more.

Would I change it? No way. I am grateful for my friendship with Lucas. The man makes me float and spin and smile and grin but.. watching my waist band carefully. Everything in moderation except kisses... they are free and not fattening at all.

Life is tricky...

A Boing for British Boys

2012-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

It started when I was in my teens.

Growing up beside a military base there would always be one or two of them in our elementary school. Parents on some kind of personnel exchange or training and we'd end up with these really cute and cool boys and girls from England. As I got older and started going to clubs it was the young engineers and serviceman from Great Britain that would approach me.

Perhaps it was just my luck. Or entirely random. Or perhaps because I had the biggest boobs out of all my friends and long black wavy hair halfway down my back. Man I was hot when I was younger! It's a bit strange that I didn't realize I was back then. I was really stuck in a "fat girl" social stigma of my own making I think.

Nonetheless the British army fellows seemed to dig an Italian looking busty gal on the dancefloor and I developed a taste for their accent. And other features. Fine features and light skin. Blue eyes drive me wild and there is a certain something about British men that I can never put my finger on. Nuances that I pick up. Jargon. Little things and I can pick a British fellow out of a crowd I swear! My ear and other "stuff" perk and keen to a British man.

Did I mention I am dating one?

[Insert broad grin]

The nuances I appreciate in Lucas are things that other people might miss. He is polite and proper. Somewhat reserved but dead confident. Cocky. Sarcastic and witty as hell. He likes to laugh and has a brilliant sense of humour. He's not put off by the roundy bits of me and actually finds my voluptuous figure kinda sexy. My Italian heritage lands squarely on my face and on my chest. Not that he complains about that...

Cultured. Worldly. Travelled. Global. Smart... smart... smart.... Oh smart! How delicious!

I get to hang out with him :)

And some of it is just him being raised properly. He doesn't ask me to open the bottle of wine. He does. He doesn't mind when I ask him to drive (I love driving but not with other people in the car). Besides if I'm not driving that allows me to flirt a little more affectionatly with free hands.

He is ... in a word... wonderful.

Geek. Gamer. Smart Ass. Good Father. Good Son. Educated. Articulate (oh boy is that a big one...). Creative and somewhat unpredictable. He has an unexpected streak of bad boy... which I freaking love.
I mean like. You know what I mean.

His parents apparently still have their accent but he doesn't, although I pick up hints of it as he speaks. Just enough to make me want to pounce him. Seeeexy.

After having been the number one fan of British Men for so many years... I have one of my own. On lease... I mean I have one to spend time with for now. What?

He is British! :)

Firing Squad

2012-01-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

For the record my brain looks NOTHING like this.

Women my age always terrify me.

It's pretty rare that I find someone female who I get along with in the first place. They are usually these tiny things that like floral patterns and girly gossip, catfight and competition with other women. Two faced stuff really gets on my nerves quickly. So does needy and insecure (although I am equally capable of partially being some of those things from time to time). Don't expect me to make sense even for a moment. I'm highly skilled at confusing myself with my own paradigms.

All female relationships are challenged. Sister. For most of my life my own relationship with my Mother. I have a way of being overtly blunt and direct that women just ... don't like. I have a man's ambition and I hate game playing (while being a prolific game player... but not intentionally). The games I play now are all in an effort to hide myself or my vulnerabilities. They aren't meant to manipulate other people or fuck around with their heads. It's just meant to deter the inquisitive. Throw dust in the air or one of those magic Ninja smoke bombs so I can double back flip my curvy ass to safety away from...

Anyway...

No kidding. This is what my brain looks like [-] television [+] toilet skills.

I don't like shopping (browsing annoys me). I like to buy and then leave. I am also prone to online shopping and "put it behind the counter I am coming in". I hate wasting time. I don't like cliques or control freaks. I don't like materialism or spending for status. I own a Coach wallet because of peer pressure... I blame Jovenice at the office (eh Rahila?). Ask me if your ass looks big and I will tell the truth. Add to that I will also say that your are not defined by your ass if you are happy and healthy and don't require two airplane seats to fly... s'all good. You are more than your ass anyhow, regardless of its size but women don't want the truth I have learned.

Females want you to lie to them.

And so when he suggested we go to a club I nearly jumped out of my chair. Woo hoo! Dancing! An excuse to dress up and wear some knee high boots! Yeah baby! Oooh slow dancing with Lucas ... a couple shots of Patron washed down by some Corona's? WELL OVERDUE! Yes please....

"I want to introduce you to my best friend ..."

She is a girl.
Fuck.

I have a tonne of male platonic friends. I am so down with a guy that has female friends it isn't funny. It shows that he is able to have positive relationships with women (big plus differentiating the misogynists from the real men). I've heard wonderful things about her. She sounds incredibly cool and part of me would love to meet her and get along with her and ... wasn't I wishing for an offline social life and other like minded cool folks to do this kind of fun stuff with?

But she is a girl.

Double fuck!

I can coordinate a weekend of more than one hundred pharmacists and volunteers. I can speak to thousands of pharmacists a year and spout legislation and provide assistance. I can market myself. I can own social media stuff and be the "everywhere doing everything" chick. I can meet 40 strangers a day and be juiced by the experience of it... why is this causing a massive overload of mental processing?

What if I make a bad impression? Ah... so it's not only that she's a girl (scary) but she is HIGH STAKES GIRL whose opinion matters. To Lucas and to me. I'm over thinking ... stifling the panic. Want to make him happy... want to make a good impression... so not able to play possum and be the Beta Dog. Alpha femme with Alpha femme has a 50% chance of being freaking amazing and getting on like best friends...

Or it has the potential to ... become a pissing match over Lucas. I'd hate that. I've promised myself to steer clear of any discord or dramatics (you messed that up for me Mom) this year. It was Resolution #4 "Keep it positive and simple". Why does it matter so much? If she doesn't like me she doesn't like me right? I can't control that outcome. All I can do is be me and see what happens but... why is this so overcomplicated in my head!?!!?! Why does meeting THIS GIRL feel like being lined up in front of a firing squad!

Ahh... answered my own question (aren't blog diaries are nifty that way?).

You really care about Lucas...
Triple fuck.

Still... girls? Skeeery!

What Me Worry?

2012-01-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

When you are under thirteen years old the farm grass (wheat grass) grows high and thick it is the most amazing dense maze to wander for frogs and red wing blackbird nests. The occasional ground hog or sandpiper trilling at us, feigning a broken wing to decoy us from the nest. We wandered like muddied savages through my Grandfathers fields losing ourselves in a world apart from the adults who were only too happy to have us out of the house making noise elsewhere.

I saw everything. Took everything in but fluttering in a mother hen kind of way. I was busy head counting. Where is Mario?   Anyone seen Kim? Standing on wayward rocks or old railings to catch a glimpse of one of them moving. Ben always had a firm hold of Carolyn (the baby) and Mary Ann was never far behind the big kids.

"You worry too much" was a statement my younger cousin and best friend would frequently say. "You worry too much" was something my school friends would say when they pulled out stuff like cigarettes and booze and marijuana far before our time. "You worry too much" said high school sweetheart nudging me under the classroom table while his friends pointed out that Mike was the only one who hadn't had sex in our whole group of friends. "You worry too much" as I watched a best friend slide into a state where she didn't care if she lived or died... and tried her hand at ending things more than once at my Cottage.

"You worry too much" when my Bio-Dad would joke about divorcing my Mother, repeatedly asking me who I would live with about two years before he decided to leave her. "You worry too much" when I told my friends that my Mom went to bed every night at 7:30 with two Tylenol threes and a giant mug of strong tea. "You worry too much" when my sisters grades began to tank and she began to pull back.

"You worry too much" when I desperately wanted to reach out to my Mother before my wedding but was forbidden to.   "You worry too much" when I didn't have sex on my wedding night and "You worry too much" every time I thought I was pregnant and miscarried or found out that I was not. "You worry too much" when we stopped caressing and embracing each other, spending hours and hours on computers on separate floors of a big house.

"You worry too much" as I sat in a small apartment filled to the ceiling with unpacked boxes and hoped my second dog and my former spouse, the cats, the birds and everything else I left behind were okay.

I worry too much?

It's a personality attribute learned in response to adverse environments. You learn to watch and predict and formulate outcomes because you have learned basically, not to get caught with your pants down. A brain in overdrive trying to not only control her own disasters but circumvent the disasters of those she cares about. Anxiety isn't for everyone but clearly some have a talent for it. I have anxiety coupled with hard core problem solving skills which make the the compulsive fixer upper. I didn't ask to be this way.

Which is why they don't have to worry.
That job has already been given to the PhD Worrier.

It's a luxury having one of those in your life isn't it? It permits you to be irresponsible, reckless, ambivalent, relaxed and otherwise foolish because if you break it into a thousand pieces... there is the Worrier to glue the works back together, good as new.   You can even make fun of her and call her a DRAMA QUEEN or a STRESS CASE or a BASKET CASE or a WORRY WART ...

There is a cost of course, but not to you...

Call me a stress case again please... God help you if I learn the art of ambivalence.
I would be following in the steps of my family.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T18:08:00.001-08:00

Old Year Gratitude

2011-12-31T17:16:00.000-08:00

I swore I wasn't going to do one of these.

I'm not feeling well but on some kind of kick from the cold med's that have just taken effect I suppose. I can feel it in my chest but I am too busy buzzing on the medicine to care frankly. That will last about an hour before I'm back on Twitter sulking.

I had thought about going out. But with whom? The fact that I am sick only gives me the best excuse in the world to stay home tonight which (boringly so) is exactly what I wanted to do. The four dogs and old cat I am minding while Mom and Officer Jon/Deb and Dad are still away kind of punctuated the point.

I thought you guys would be back on Thursday. This is day nine of house arrest. Time to come home please...

Nonetheless I have high hopes for the year 2012. It won't be spent in regret or over thinking anything really. I've grown and changed to a point where I can appreciate both the road behind me and the road ahead. I've loved mightily and not been rewarded for it. But I will continue to be that way because it is who I am. A libertine. A loyal friend. A strong shoulder. A creative mind. And a pragmatic dreamer.

This will be the year I make things happen for myself. I am ready for it now... the kind of mature self love that enables you to work on your own dreams and goals without feeling one ounce of guilt. I will. And I am looking forward to showing myself what I can do.

For me.

No one else.

For my friends around the world who have offered me more support and kindness than the majority of my own family ... there are no words for the value you bring to my life. I hope in some way I brighten or enlighten your days also. And I appreciate you and thank God for having you in my life.

For the family that is in touch with me. I love you. Thank you for caring enough to stay in touch and to make time for me. We are all "busy"... thank you for not including me in an ambivalent state of non-being because I am divorced, unmarried without a house and without children. Thank you for making me feel like I still matter despite the adversity life has thrown at me.

There is no greater gift of love... than time.

To Diane ... I don't deserve you. But I would give my life for yours. I'm not sure how else to put it. You matter. I love you both so much... I am the best meaning possibly worst friend in the world... thank you for loving me and for your encouragement and guidance and support.

To Christina Galanis who has taught me more about the strength of being an intelligent and independent woman than any other person on this planet. I admire you. I not so secretly idolize you and I hope that I develop into even 40% of the woman that you are. Thank you for your strong mentorship, your creative vision and your challenging me to pursue bigger and better things always. And for your friendship.

To Alice who is my daily partner in crime. How I love you. Every single bit of you. Am lucky to know you and share the laughter and pain and adversity of our singleton adventures together... sister... best friend... confidante. You are the world to me.

Alex & Claire :) Well.. you know how much I care and love and pray for you all. This is the year Alex that you kick the living hell out of it. There is strength all around you ... some of it you inspired and fostered like a seedling in your hand. For your care and guidance I am forever humbled and grateful.
I love you both.

To Rahila my co-worker, co-conspirator and friend. I spend more time with you every week than anyone else in my life. Your wisdom and laughter and smile and temperance... as we go through the ups and downs together makes my life a richer place. I respect and love you and wish you all the best in the New Year. You are an incredible unfathomable human being... and I feel lucky to know you. Ps: Michelle - The offer still stands... pool + TWO dogs ... if you want me to adopt you...

To my bubbly life loving Mother whose blue eyes twinkle when she laughs and who drives me mental at 38 but... you know this time together Mum...means something too. I haven't felt closer to you in my entire life and while we didn't always get it right, neither of us stopped trying. You drive me nuts... and I love you even more because of it. I'll make you proud one of these days. xo Promise.

To my Step-Dad...it's no accident I call you Dad. You are more a Father to me than any man I have known and while you drive me nuts too... I love you for your social butterfly and family dedication. For your chatty conversations and your love of the dogs... so many things. Thank you for your laughter.

To my cousin and brother of my heart Ben. We have to fix this. I feel like I'm dying without you guys.

To my sister Kim... the porch light isn't just on. Every light in the house is with my face pressed against the window watching... hoping... praying and missing you. Please find it in your heart to try again not as Big Sister Little Sister... but as friends. Because we always were before things got wonky kiddo... and the wonky wasn't us. I miss you terribly.

To Lucas who has given me more reasons to sigh and laugh and smile than I have had all year long... thank you. Sorry about the barbed wire. It's not on purpose. I've always said the Manual for Lori is in this blog... you are the first person to care enough to read the manual. Ever. I'm not an easy read... and I am sorry for that. But you matter deeply to me.. already. And I hope you stay around awhile. xo

To all of you that read my blog (around a couple thousand page views each week) thank you for finding my journey meaningful enough to partake in it. Your comments and encouragement, emails and feedback are always warmly appreciated and valued.

Finally to my faithful dogs Diego and Dante .... you mutts owe me new slippers!

Happy New Year everyone xo

Label This!

2011-12-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to bow to convention.

Why do we feel the need to define everything in our human existence? Why must everything have a designation or a label in order for it to be meaningful or validated? A rose by any other name would still be a damned pretty flower that smelled good and would exist right?

I am not going to be pigeon holed into defining things... Over thinking or over examining what is or what may develop. There are no guarantees in life and being the sort of enthusiastic person I am I have on more than one occasion hired a band and the full compliment to herald the arrival of something wonderful. In doing so I have in the past also placed undue expectation on it. And was bitterly disappointed that my optimism was misplaced.

And so don't ask me. Friends or family don't ask me "what" he is. He isn't a what, he is a "who" and you will have to trust that if he has managed to slide under my ramparts that he has got to be something of an exceptional human being right? You know the zone I've been in. He is exceptional.

What he is simply is a nice man. One that is intelligent, and witty and sarcastic. A brilliant conversationalist and we share a bunch of common threads (not the least of which is midlife do-over). Let's face it... divorce is a common ground that many can relate to. It changes you. It seasons you and adjusts your perspectives in many way. The simple fact that so many people get divorced negates that amount of compassion and understanding that we have as a society for people who are going through a divorce. It hurts. It takes a lot out of you. And I am proof that it can be done with honour and integrity (and remain friends afterward). I admire him for the way he handles everything. It's a little harder with two children involved but they are doing well. His whole family. I admire and respect both him and his former for putting the children first. And his parents for providing their support also.

What a great bunch of people.

I don't have a label for it. Am I dating anyone else? No. Would I want to? No. Am I intrigued? Oh yes. Do I have a lot of fun? Definitely. Is it a good thing? Yep! Am I grateful to the forces of serendipity? Yes. I feel lucky to have met someone who is so much fun and someone who is so incredibly interesting that I want to learn more and more about him.

I don't need a name for it. I am spending time with someone wonderful. So I think I will take romance by the spoonful and not question it. I'll simply savor it as a very welcome change.

A Thirsty Heart

2011-12-29T08:08:00.000-08:00

It's hard to explain how a romantic can shut down.

First of all I am going to stop qualifying what I write and how. If it upsets anyone who has dated me since my divorce then I apologize. My advice? Stop reading my blog. Because quite simply this journey is going to reflect on the highs and lows and it's going to spend some time reflecting on some of the collateral damage that I experienced as a result of being involved with some people who were anything but a cake walk. In fact when I share my experiences with the average single their comment is "Man ... you really had shit luck".   And it wasn't just one person. It was three since 2007 that really did their part to educate me (the hard way) with their turmoil drama filled lives that really eclipsed mine for a time.

And that, for the record... will never happen again. No one will be able to drop that shit storm into my life again and derail me. I'll drop kick their ass before they get a chance to set down roots.

There is collateral damage to my ability to trust. But is it damage really? Or have I learned that my natural state of "believe whatever they say" because I am honest and expect the world to be too? It was a lesson that was always coming to me and probably overdue. Now I know to proceed with caution (not abandon) because as much as I can be lead by the reckless abandon of a romantic heart, my head has learned to protect myself better. To avoid complication requires wisdom and prudence. To give your affection to someone requires a period of "proving ground". Not tests. (I do test ... but not intentionally and I apologize when I catch myself playing those games).

I made up my mind that if someone wants to be with me (given the adversity of my experiences) that he would have to be my friend first. Build trust. Show me that he actually understood and accepted me for all the strange little nuances that make me a little unusual. That he would not ask me to change. That he would not be advantageous or opportunistic, leaning heavily on me to solve his problems or to shoulder his issues. I wanted an equal who was looking for an equal. And someone really really smart and insanely affectionate.

I surmised I was hunting a Unicorn. I had settled into the idea of there being no type of guys that I would really click with and had put myself in a place where friendship was all I was willing to venture. Nothing else. That is my safe room. I will (and find myself) pull back into that safe room the second I feel vulnerable.

Some types of people will use you like a battery and discard you. That's been my experience with ALL my relationships post divorce. And I didn't have the energy to bother trying again.

But my Mom told me that if a guy really likes you... that he will see protective acts as understandable. He will not charge into my safe room like a stampede to drag me out but rather stand gently at the door and talk to me for a time. Extend a hand and a smile to step out slowly.   Patience. Understanding. I mean those qualities are not exactly common in the guys I was dating. Intuitive protein shake guys? Machismo and sensitive? They do not exist. They are either/or options and I blame myself for tangling with my perception of the Alpha Dog types.

But a true Alpha has far more intuition than to be brawn and muscle his way in. A true leader can read the situation and act in accordance with... skittish gal. Not be daunted by her "push back". Continue talking. Extrapolating. Understanding. Reading... reaching out even when the doors to the safe room get slammed shut and double bolted and electrified with "PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" stuff that is really fear based isn't it?

Or like Rapunzel ... most princes will look at the tower and think "Fuck that... too much work" and push on. And then apparently... (to my great shock and delight) there are a few that feel the climb is worth the prize.   Perhaps a Princess in a tower is one really worth having, particularly if you start to evaluate exactly why she is up there in the first place.

And so the tough that is me is learning... that the tough with my tough is not a good match. The tough approach triggers me into defense... and my whole concept of tough is changing because sometimes tough and strong reach out a very very gentle hand when they know it is needed.

I'm processing a lot of things. He is the stimulant. He is .. lovely.

I have a thirsty heart. Right now.. he feels like a flood of freshwater to me. And I am happy.

A Very Merry Making

2011-12-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

Part of me doesn't want to say anything. In this life it seems the moment I experience something that is wonderful and incredible life seems to zoom in and rip it from my hands. Something happens to make the good impossible to hold on to, whether adversity or geography or general happenstance.

I don't want to be that girl again. The one that runs headlong into gushing appreciation of being with someone who makes me feel wonderful. There is so much vulnerability in that. And I will tell you that even as I am typing these words I'm crying at my Mother's kitchen table, typing furiously on my Mac and thinking to myself... "God Lori... just shut up. Say nothing or it will disappear."

I am cautious and guarded. I have been wrong before and misplaced my loyalties and affections with people (platonic as well) who really didn't understand or appreciate me. Since May of this year I have really felt like an old battery that had been drained of all it's charge. Covering the basics. Surging sometimes forward to do cool things or to write well but the zest was gone. Something settled into my bones that was neither sadness nor anger. It was defeat and acceptance.

There are only so many times you will throw yourself at the wall to scale it, failing miserably before you look at the wall with disdain and say ... "It's not worth it". Which is where my heart has been actually for more than a year. The state of acute risk rejection meant that I just... give up on the concept of dating altogether.   And I told people and friends and family I was taking a break but the truth was that I was broken. Bad fit. Bad fit. Bad fit... one after the other and a series of mind games and passive aggressions that left me feeling emotionally raped.   That the whole "love thing" was a bad deal.

So I had literally... affirmed to have none of it.

Seriously.

I didn't even believe I'd find any guy that would bother to take the time to get to know me. One that would see the prickly spines of porcupine girl and understand that the longest quills hide the most tender flesh. A heart and a mind dead determined not to be played with anymore by the damaged or confused, or the type of guy that enjoys games of push pull, yes no or other types of psychological torture that can be inflicted on a romantic.

I had resolved something. It was defeat. And I was starting to be okay with it.

Then someone said hello. Not just anyone (I am not the kind of girl that goes without talking to guys or having interested men around). The truth is there were a couple of guys who were wanting to meet me but I was making excuses. Calling myself a relationship phobe.

I am anything but that. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

I don't know what I know right now.. All I know is that I laugh a lot when he is around and I grin so much that I get all dorky about it and try to stifle it. He is so sarcastic and I love it! Witty and brilliant. British (big bonus... hehe.. sexy) I have a weakness for British fellows. He is a foodie. A culinary snob like me. He loves good wine... he is physically affectionate and intelligent and intuitive and diverse. He is unconventional.

He drinks Diet Pepsi. Sometimes for breakfast too.

I know! Can you believe it?

There is a duel of voices in my head. The Pain wants me to shut it down before I get attached. It wants to run and cocoon itself in a place where I use other tangibles to derive satisfaction from my life. Be the stereotypical business woman and fuck the whole love and relationship thing and divest myself into making money and nothing else. Because that is safe isn't it? Measurable ... definitive.   Safe...predictable... safe... protected... Safe.

But his kisses send me soaring. And I just can't believe the ideas and intuitive comments that come out of his mouth he makes me... speechless. So God damned brilliant!   And he doesn't think my ambition or my intelligent or my five hundred thousand fucked up quirks are weird. He finds me... uncommon. He finds me... lovely. And pretty. And sexy even with the wiggly jiggly in the middle and.. he's not looking for me to fix his life or carry his burdens.

He's just happy spending time. And he wants to spend more of it.

I'm not putting a label on anything. I won't. I'm scared that if I try to define it that it will find some way of bringing pain to my heart and the one thing I am certain of is that this heart... really doesn't deserve another ounce of romantic pain. I've had my fill. I gave good and got back utter crap.   I am owed something... kind and gentle and passionate and articulate and tender and brilliant and fun and exploratory and liberating and faith renewing and... GOOD.

I am owed something good this time.

So for whatever it is. For however long it lasts... I am being spoiled in the arms of a fascinating, warm and brilliant human being. And I am spoiling him too. And that is something very wonderful.

I'm smitten. Wild horses could not turn my head .. Lucas is... amazing. And I truly hope that aside from all my skittish and testing him (I'm so sorry.. I hate when I catch myself doing it). Perhaps I test because I can't believe you are real. If you aren't ... that scares me for surely there is pain in that for me. And if you are real? That scares me too... because that means I was wrong. I am from this planet... but perhaps more a black swan than I ever realized. Matching only with one very very rare exceptional type of person.

I couldn't have had three more magical days... thank you Lucas. It just "is". And I really like that neither of us has to look a gift horse in the mouth to appreciate what is wonderful. I cherish the time we spend together and I'm looking for new ways to turn those cute cheeks red. I'll ponder it hot stuff... ;)

PS: It was too too much... still processing your gift. Grateful but .. you know. Loving the Xbox ;) Practicing the zombie game.

xx

Antici...pation

2011-12-26T07:42:00.000-08:00

Check email... blog... curate... social media... Tweet... flirt... confirm... plan...banter... banter... smile...dogs out... dogs in... feed dogs... dogs wet... dry dogs... off couch!... shrimp ring... defrosting... cocktail sauce... COCKTAIL SAUCE?!?! .. found it... bathroom 1 ... bathroom 2... kitchen... sweep... vacuum ... doors... lightswitches... laundry... fold... hang... not my towel... run upstairs... trip on dog.... close door... open freezer... Steaks... where did I.. Steaks! ... Victory... no mushrooms... salad stuff... counter... clutter ... hate clutter... make bed... trip on dog... bathroom... trip on dog... mirrors... trip on dog.... put dogs outside ... kisses... no time to think about that now... nice kisses... clear your head ... cheese platter... finger foods... wine... which one? .. forgot to ask... doesn't matter... red and white... both bases covered... vodka? ... check... just in case... nice glasses... Ashley's ... set table... candle?... is that cheeseball? Not sure... put candles in drawer... where is the red onion... FORGOT DOGS! ... they are pissed... let them in.... DANTE!!!!! ... Jesus Christ... Check Twitter... no time... smile... he is still there... hasn't bailed... good.... phone call ... piss off I'm busy.... SECOND PHONE CALL... yeah Merry [insert here]... dirty thought... clearing mind.... marinade... only two... you can't fry a steak... he must be nuts... I'll prove him wrong... garlic mashed potatoes... deviled eggs?... overkill much? ... you like him... no I don't... you like him... no I don't... you like him.... shut up....trip on dog... blog.

Yeah I think I do.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

It's a Christmas for one. Well I suppose more than one if you count the four furballs curled up around my ankles as I write my articles at the kitchen table. The house is quiet so I am sitting up here close to coffee and the soup I made yesterday is heating up.

I was feeling in holiday spirit so I boiled up some stellini pasta (or little stars). They remind me of a few things. Of feeding pastina to some bambino's and bambina's I have loved and watched over the years. Of being sick and having my Nonno make soup at his farm while I couch camped as a kid.

I miss them (and our family farm) terribly this year. More than any other year although I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I am missing my Aunts and Uncles, Cousins and Second Cousins. My Sister. The giant meatball that was always made for Mario. The Christmas cookies and playing Rumoli at the kitchen table with giant cups of tea, giggling while my Nonna mispronounced ACE for ASS in her thick Italian accent.

They are gone now as was that era of family. It's hard not to lament it and just feel grateful that I ever had it. Snow forts and jumping off the top of the barn into giant snow drifts. Pushing our siblings in first the way that us older kids were so incredibly willing to sacrifice them first (giggle). Roasted chestnuts in the sooty fireplace of my Nonno's front room. Bringing wood in to dry. The smell of sheep and wool and cheese and tomato sauce. The laughter. Our family was always full of laughter and heated debates and arguments.

Before they started to compete against each other. I watched it happen. And it broke our entire family apart and then when our Nonno and Nonna passed on, there was no more excuse to pretend to care about each other anymore. Everyone just went into their separate microcosms to talk about BMW's or cottages or time shares or how many Luis Vuitton bags they bought or Coach wallets. How big someones house was and could they afford to have a Nanny and wasn't that ... posh.

I don't fit in with those measurements.

I would love to buy your kids a tonne of clothes at GAP but I can't afford to. I would love to join you at your time share in Aruba but ... I can't afford to. I'm single income post divorce recovery girl who is doing great by most peoples standards I suppose. I bought my Jetta 3 years used and off lease... I guess it's not as cool as buying brand new like some folks do. I still love it. I feel lucky to have it.

I am doing something important right now that I can't discuss. But if you think I am working non-stop to be a "show off" or one of those self-absorbed business folks that brag about working through Christmas guess again. I'm doing something important.. and there is a reason for it all.

And I'm not sharing it.

I'm heating up some soup the way Nonno showed me (in a pot is best isn't it?). I am putting a tonne of parmesan cheese on it because it reminds me of different times and connects me to memories which are far better in the past than those that are being made in the present. This family is living the legacy of the damage of materialism. Over spending. Competing. Keeping up with the Jones' and all the other shallow shit that I myself, do not (and have not ever) bought into. Nonetheless ... the oldest child/grandchild ... I am the keeper of a memory of something that was but is no longer.

And people wonder why I am so eager to foster connections online in digital domains? Because it can be wholesome and reciprocal, even from thousands of miles away. Perfect strangers who know more about me than some of my family care to know. In some cases I am loved better by people who have never even been in the same room as me. And I am grateful for them.

So I check Facebook to see some of our traditions are being carried forward. I look but do not comment. It's enough to see them happy. Seems my prayers are working after all... and I pray.

Maybe this Christmas is meant to teach me something. I'll ponder it some more over soup.

Merry Christmas 2012.

The Microcosm of Ms. Skylar Smythe

Unfilter Me

Spatially Impaired

The Body Count

Chihuahua Mama Drama

Half of Two

Rebuttal to Email-Order Bride

Divorce: Spouse to Sparring

Mara's Wings

Push

Social Media Crowdsourcing Demo

What’s happening?

@mentions and more Show mentions only

Economic Morality

The Importance of a Jammie Day

Hot Pot Talk

How Happy Makes You Fat!

A Boing for British Boys

Firing Squad

What Me Worry?

Happy New Year!

Old Year Gratitude

Label This!

A Thirsty Heart

A Very Merry Making

Antici...pation

Merry Christmas