The Microcosm of Ms. Skylar Smythe

Pardon My Smile

2013-05-19T10:22:00.002-07:00

I wasn't going to talk about my wedding.

It's almost the end of May and we are looking at an October wedding. It's hard to give an exact date until we get approval from the United States Office of Immigration. I could have qualified for other visas, including the "Alien of Extraordinary Ability" as I am self employed in a very creative field. Much as I would have loved to walk around with the title (chuckle) and as much as Kevin still loves calling me that... we decided that having met in 2011, parted then been a steady item and smitten since May of 2012... He's paying me a special visit in June for a week. :)

There has been nothing convenient about my life for the past year and a half. There has been nothing that has magically laid itself out like a golden carpet in front of us. What we learned is that we were in love. The kind of love that pulls a sliver out of your toe, or scratches the part of your back that you can't quite reach. The kind of love that gets on the phone and talks you safely all the way home in a snow storm. It's a relationship of two cocky, confident but deep feeling and loving brats that try to take care of everyone. It was our surprise to learn that there could be a relationship of mutual care taking. Protective. Loving. Strong. Faithful.

I haven't been talking about my wedding for a few reasons. One of them was that my Mom has been kicking off, getting upset about comments made by his family on Facebook. She'd burst into tears about how far away I was moving. Then recover saying "I want you to be happy" and then slide into the "woe is me" mode again about how I am the only kid she really has a relationship with. Way to um... help and stuff Mom! Good job.

This is how my heart feels. Warm. Green. Living. Alive. Energized.

So I've been downplaying it. I've been asking people NOT to talk about it. This morning I woke up and realized that was a complete mistake.

Pardon my smile to anyone not able to share in my joy. I am not a jealous person so I don't know how to guide someone who can't be happy for other people (even if they are not happy themselves at the moment). You see I've always been happy for the successful marriages around me. For the wealth or trips and travel and material things that people around me had. I've always been happy for the depth of joy that children have brought to the lives of people I love. There are so many things those around me have, and never once... in all my grief and feeling displaced for not having those things... not once did I wish they did not have them.

I simply kept my head down and kept working, enjoying watching them thrive and promising myself that I would get there too someday. I don't understand how anyone can't be happy for the happiness of those you love. No matter what.

I am going to get excited about it because as hard as I work seven days per week, I am more than allowed to enjoy the nuances of shopping for great deals and planning the event. It's my happy place! It reminds me of what I am working for and it's going to be a very small stylish one. He has a big family so I am looking forward to it being a warm and loving excuse for all of us to enjoy company and conversation.

The solution to family and friends who can't make it!

It's going to be in Texas so I don't expect many of my family or friends to be able to make it. I know some of them are going to try and I love them for that. For even trying tells me so much about our relationship. Tracey and Brad and the kids are going to try. So is Diane and Tyler. And for those that can't make it, there will be WiFi... we'll conference you in on Skype Cam.

So this morning I was loud and proud. I created a Pinterest board called "Our Wedding 2013" with a few items that I had pegged. I have never been one for the big wedding events because that kind of "splashy spend cash-y" isn't my style at all. I want a room full of people who believe in the value of relationships and the support of the people who care about us, and our happiness.

The smile is sincere. Share the moment, or don't but it is going to shine no less brilliantly for me because of people absorbed in their own problems. And I am not going to subdue my joy, excitement or happiness to make anyone feel more comfortable anymore. I'm on a countdown to everything I ever wanted.

I'm done feeling bad about being happy.

I've got no reason in the world not to smile. Pass the red diet jello.

About Those Boundaries

2013-05-18T08:47:00.002-07:00

It came to me at about five o'clock in the morning.

Well actually, what came to me first is that one of my dogs (Dante) has no concept of the appropriate time of day to play ball. So as he dropped a big tennis ball on my face (erm... thanks buddy) I woke up and it was the first thing in my mind. After ... JesusChristItsFiveAMDanteforPetesSake...

I stink at creating boundaries.

When I think about the other people in my life, they have their share of burdens. I walk around and I listen to their problems because I care. Unfortunately I am something like a sponge when it comes to the problems of others. I don't just hear them, they go right in. All the way in past a level that I now understand to be where healthy boundaries should lie.

When I share my experiences with friends or very close family members their comments are often like "You have to let it go" or "It's not your problem to fix" and such. I hear it. I know they are right. But when I ask them "how" they really aren't sure how exactly they manage the healthy distance. How to be supportive without getting sucked into the vortex of the problems of someone else?

I know how to cut someone off. I hate when I've had to do it but since I have no skills at creating those boundaries that everyone else seems to be able to create, I didn't have many options. When I tried, those boundaries didn't seem to stick! And I've learned that when you ask for "space" someone will treat you like the enemy. Even if they regret that reaction later or feel bad about it, at the time they are in duress they WANT to drag you into it. Why? Because problems make you feel isolated. You want to feel like you aren't alone. But where is the line between providing "support" and providing "life support"?

How do you draw that invisible line that allows you to love and care for others without keeping yourself up at night? Without pouring yourself into problem solving mode and dropping the priorities in your own life to try to help the person? When you struggle to lead a horse to water and it refused to drink? Or worse... when it runs away from the water entirely? FRUSTRATING! I get burned out thinking how many times I've done this. It's systemic in my relationships. It needs to stop.

I started by giving her some boundaries yesterday.

I don't want to know about your finances. Keep me out of them.

Please vent about your spouse to your two best friends. I can't be in the middle anymore.

Don't complain about a life you refuse to change. It's a waste of my time and energy.

Please respect that I am running my business, planning a wedding and dealing with immigration and legalities while working with Kevin in tandem to make it all happen. My focus is now on myself and Kevin. No one else.

I also added:

I love you.
I'll be gone in less than 148 days.
I hope you figure something out. It all really makes me feel sad for you.

Boundaries. When you give and give and give and give and give... sometimes people think that arrangement will last in perpetuity. That you are going to be cool with that arrangement. That works I think when you have nothing on your own horizon. Sometimes diving into other peoples problems helps you defer the reminder that I you have no life of your own. That was probably true of me then. It hasn't been true for the last year and a half.

That change is good for me. It might suck for people used to me problem solving for them. It must be great to have someone work tireless on your problems while you do little but contribute to growing them. I'm out of that business now. You own it. I own mine.

I'm not going to give up on my Mom. I'm going to teach her how to keep her relationship with me strong by giving her a new rule book. "The Fair and Normal Loving of Lori: A Rule Book for the Boundary Challenged Parent" - No skipping pages please. Some areas may be high lighted. Twice.

It's not a wall. It's not an exile. I handed her a rule book. If you want to be part of my life going forward and keep our relationship wonderful (because aside from the selfish manipulation and guilt trips which... I kind of get given the situation) we have a great relationship now. We worked hard for it the past seven years and I am not going to let anyone change that.

But you are going to play by my rules now. Even if I have to teach you how to function in a non-guilt, non-manipulative friendship between adult women. Even if I have to teach you that at 62 you own your decisions and the consequences of them. And making me accountable for the consequences of your bad decisions? Nah. That's not going to fly anymore.

And these boundaries are non-negotiable. And I have a cattle prod I am going to zap you with the instant you toe dip over that boundary. No wires. No arguing. Just relationship training. Don't worry... I'm a great teacher.

If I Can Be Really Honest...

2013-05-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

Someone I respect from New York told me once that we are equally defined by what we choose not to write, as we are by those things we decide to process in the open.

I love her. Just everything about her and most importantly because she really did pluck me from the stormy water and show me a path when I was utterly lost. God sends Angels in many designs and when I talk about her with the fondness I do, I always tell people she was just like that. Like a hand reaching into the dark room to pull me out, lightly dust me off and spin me to the right direction. And when I faltered or acted weak or insecure, she showed me by example (not by pandering to me) how to be a stronger woman.

Because I needed that role model in my life you see. So badly. The successful, wise and normative influence.

Any act of levity in this environment is a victory!

This blog is a labour of love and it isn't always pretty. Most of the time it's me reacting to something that life has thrown at me. Adversity LOVES me and I have become this great problem solver not out of practice but utter survival. I've always wanted to be the donkey that lays down in her tracks and gives up or resigns even for a time. I just don't have it in me, even though I think I need that quality badly. To give myself a break when things are hard and just... sustain without striving for a spell. Tread water instead of paddling forward like I have to get through it RIGHT NOW.

What not to write. How to say it in a way that is classy but is true to me and my life experience. Let me try it this way.

"My Step-Father has a lot of problems.

He's not a particularly nice human being.

It's getting worse."

I'm so sorry Kim. I understand now.

"What I did has been repaid with animosity, disrespect, ingratitude and emotional violence."

I wish I had moved out two years ago. I really wanted to. They begged me to stay.

"I cannot save my Mom.

I am never able to save her from herself."

I feel like I've never been the kid. Not once.

"I feel stupid for trying."

Why did I?

In time I think you'll figure it out Mom. Or not.

I think those statements are going to be hard to read for people like my beloved Kevin and Diane. The two closest people in the world to me know everything. I often describe myself as this little morning daisy. You know one of those ones that pops up between the sidewalk slabs in downtown Toronto. It gets stepped on and withers to nothing but hangs in there, and tries again each time it rains. It raises its head and tries to bloom each time it rains. Even as it knows it's likely to be stepped on again.

That takes something.

Strength?

Stubbornness?

Stupidity? :(

Sometimes I have a flash back dream of running through the field from my Nonno's house to our house trying to get my Dad and watching the Oldsmobile pull out of the driveway and him drive into town. While they were clawing at each other in the kitchen and I sank to my knees in the plow dirt and cried.

I think I was about seven. Around the same time as I started to write. That weekend actually I am sure. Because I've had an easy life now that I think about it. Just like everyone else.

My Dad remarried someone who hated his daughters. He is now estranged from both of them. His family. And pretty much everyone except the alcoholic he married. They own a few houses and drive around the US in a really big trailer. He likes to "stay off the grid". I suspect he's a uni bomber. You know the type that buys a $60K trailer but makes his wife buy her hair dye at Garage Sales? Yeah. #Winning!

This medication isn't allowed anymore.

My Mom remarried someone who had nothing. He's convinced she married up. I'm convinced I should have never left Toronto. He is a living reminder that if you are an asshole your whole life and if you spend what you don't have, you'll end up driving a tractor at 70 years of age, making 30k per year and spending 60k. Because that's what smart folks do. And then tell your Wife who can barely walk that she needs to put in more overtime in the factory to "make ends meet" while you enjoy chicken wings and beer, East Side Mario's and living large.

Oh. And gossip about the step-daughter that started her own business and is tightly budgeted. Or how she is going to "flop" when she moves to Dallas and you will have to "take care of her" when she comes home after failing at her second marriage.

Just remember to leave out the part where she saved your house from foreclosure... because that's not, you
know... relevant. [insert stare]

I consider the fact that I ended up a "giver" to be a fucking miracle to be honest.

I just really wanted to believe I could save some of the people I loved most. But you can't keep pulling people out of the deep end forever. Maybe they only learn to swim when you stop trying?

And then after all of this is you Kevin. Tired. Wired. Exhausted like I am. Patient. Protective. Loving. Steady. Strong. There is no one I love more than you. Except Kim. And Diane. Okay and the dogs but you all are really like... one solid parallel love line.

Hope your down with keeping your Alien of Extraordinary Ability around for awhile. Because the happy I see and can almost touch on nights like tonight... it's what keeps me going. You are my reward and my treasure, and the reason my head stays up.

How I Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

2013-05-14T22:58:00.002-07:00

Photo by: United Artists

The world is full of unhappy people. And I know this because I used to be one of them.

I don't think I was ever as dire or lost to really take my crap out on other people at random. I get punched and I punch back (or rather I used to). Now I am dismissive of people and their behaviour when I don't give a shit about them. It's a default "Meh!" followed by "Whatever dude... get a hobby."    I have a temper that I've learned over time to manage very well. Mostly with empathy these days. Something shifted in me last year that helped me to understand that the biggest jerks in the world are actually worthy of sympathy, not anger.

If you really get human psychology you can figure out why.

The bullies. The people who like to be negative (and let's be honest some people are reeeeeally great at being the negative influence in a crowd). Attention seeking. :) Transparent? You bet!   And they used to aggravate me as I wasted time trying to figure them out.   It used to be easy to trigger me and now... not so much. Instead what I am able to do is generate sympathy for them. A lot of it. I get it now.

There was a time in my life that I surrounded myself with negative people.   I was feeling a little lost post divorce and trying to figure out my way I suppose. I'm embarrassed to say (in retrospect) that it probably felt good to be among people who were more lost that I was. See it's a coping strategy. Surround yourself with people who are depressed and your low mood or circumstantial difficulties will seem lighter. Whether we like it or not, humans always want to compare themselves to someone who is not as well off in life. The rich like to observe the poor and the unhappy will inadvertently seek out people who are more unhappy in their own lives.

Always quite blatantly myself.

It just makes you feel better about your situation. It's sad. It's actually counter productive I've learned, but it is 100% true in almost all cases.

I drew people with problems because I wanted to focus on their problems, rather than my own. I had a need to appear the problem solver to people who had it way worse than I did. With maturity and growth I realize now that it wasn't an altruistic act of charity. They were more fucked up then I was and that made me feel good. I'm ashamed of that. It's really a weak assed (but clever) way to avoid taking a closer look at my own life.

And I would get so involved and ingrained in their cries for attention. Their aggression and their gossip (yep malicious gossip is entirely a cry for attention). When they would pick a verbal fight I would be up for a rumble and a tumble trying to prove I was right to some people who really got that I didn't have it bad at all. And the more I recovered from my knock back in life (post divorce) the more these specific people disliked me.

Because my happy made them feel worse about themselves? It took me way too long to figure that one out. It was about them... not me.


I love my life and ongoing evolution.

And they punished me for it by creating dramatics that now just seem... laughable :) They weren't at the time though! Boy was I hurt/mad/angry/vengeful but now I just get it somehow. Whether the person was going through a divorce themselves and even more lost than I was. Whether they were unable to process immense grief in a mature and balanced way (that takes tools and experience by the way... I get that). Whether they were trapped in lonely, unhappy marriages with spouses that avoided them. Or worse, spouses that were unfaithful to them. I surrounded myself with some pretty negative, unhappy people because I wanted to fit in somewhere. The masochist that I am, I wanted to amplify my unhappiness by being around people who were happy to stay in that state indefinitely.

And I really didn't want to be around people who had their shit together because that only made me feel worse.

But then I healed. And I matured emotionally.

I started to set goals again and move toward my dreams as though I deserved to achieve them. No one hands me my dreams and they are completely earned by my two hands. Perhaps that's what is so incredibly satisfying about working your own way out of a gully. Inch by inch I look back and see how I clawed my way upward to a happy that I could only loosely articulate. It was a happiness that I really never believed I'd own but I still inched my way toward it knowing that I had to try.

If I didn't try... I'd end up one of those bitter, angry-for-no-reason dick heads. And I wasn't them. Not in the least under my transition I always knew who I was.

If you can't be happy for people who earned their own happy... you need a life reboot. And in my experience there are quite a few people who need to take inventory of their lives and who they are "being" in this short life. If you think everyone else is an asshole there is a high probability that the only one in the room who actually is one... is yourself.

For every bitter gossip I run into in online domains, there are ten amazing people I meet who have their shit together. People who inspire me and make me laugh, strive and dream.

I don't have a problem with those who have a problem with my state of no problems. I worked hard for it.

In every corner of this life now is supporting, loving and good relationships. I have empathy and a depth of understanding for people who aren't there yet.    The uglier you are outwardly in your behaviour the more work waits to be done internally. Because happy people? They don't do that kind of crap. They are just happy to be ... you know... happy :)

And that's how I flew over the cuckoo's nest. There's a difference between saying you are positive and BEING a positive person. And positive attracts. And attracts... and attracts. :)   Know why? Because happy people are attracted to other happy people. It's a beautiful amplifying thing.

And if you aren't there I hope you find that road and keep walking until you find it. God knows that if I ever cared even a stitch about someone, a part of my heart always wishes they arrive at that destination.   Sooner rather than later.

Ontario's virtual world artist Bryn Oh and her most recent upload.   Just one of the many creative brilliant and amazing people I met traveling through virtual domains.

Open Letter to Abercrombie and Fitch: From a Fat Chick

2013-05-08T16:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Abercrombie and Fitch,

Thank you for allowing a cultural and morally bankrupted CEO to spearhead your Brand's direction. I cannot say with enough sarcasm how much I have enjoyed watching your emotionally misguided and insensitive CEO parlay his prejudiced comments about overweight women (not men curiously) into the media.

First, on what planet do you think it is okay for any business person to make a blanket statement that is blatantly prejudice and hurtful while representing an international brand?

It was just in January that Forbes wrote an article about your amazing resurrection of sales from a period of stagnation. At that time I thought "Hmm... good for you." I like Brands that get their act together and resurrect themselves, particularly in a painful Global recession.   Your stock value really tanked in April 2012 and many people were wondering if you were going to make it.

Clearly you sorted out a better strategy. Your shareholders should be relieved given your first quarter performance in 2013. Not stellar, but much better than the slump you found yourself in from for more than half of 2012.

Sensing some animosity? Sorry. Well... not really sorry at all.

I sat blinking at his comments. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Not because I have any doubt that I am fat. I know I am. I'm working on it but beyond being fat there are so many other attributes I bring to the table. Abercrombie and Fitch clothes may not fit me, but I have always thought they were a little cool. I didn't hold my size against you. I didn't ask you to enlarge your sizes and frequently bought your stuff for kids I knew.    I for one don't think your clothes are well made, affordable or interesting to look at but the kids love the brand and so... I concede.

This fat girl will not be buying another stitch of your clothing for the rest of her life. As a blogger and brand manager, I'm horrified that you allowed those comments to perpetuate in media. The same media that makes women feel like shit about themselves every single day of the week. The same advertising and media that uses 14 year old prepubescent girls to sell skin and wrinkle cream to women over 45.

Whether a woman is fat or thin, you've managed to piss off and disgust virtually every woman I know with your comments and prejudiced CEO. I've book marked your stock to see where it goes in the next ten months although I suspect your PPC budget is already in full swing to hide any decent among shoppers to your shareholders.

Fat or thin, people think it was low.
Cruel. Insensitive and uncalled for.

By the way, your shirts seem to fall apart around the six month mark. Just sayin'... and they are horribly over priced for no good reason at all. If I want something cool 100% cotton that will actually last, I prefer Roots Canada.

Nick "The Botox" Jefferies CEO Abercrombie and Fitch Photo: www.clutchmagonline.com

So this is the spokesperson for value judgement on physical beauty? Let's take a page from the Nick Jefferies book. The dude is clearly botoxed to within an inch of his life and has had plastic surgery.   Collagen injections in his lips (really... on a dude?) and his eyes show the kind of distortion that comes with excessive procedures. Too much money, too much obsession with looking good = #FAIL

We are supposed to take THIS guys word on what is beautiful? Really?   I wouldn't date him for practice.   Hell I wouldn't even let him buy me a drink. He's nasty looking. You also have jowls. Focus on those next time you go in for some work. Eww!

There :) I've sank to the same level.   But damn it felt really good to vent about it.

I might forgive you if you fire this bonehead. I just can't support a brand that is so blatantly insensitive. After all, it's not Paris and you aren't Versace. You are a cotton peddling brand that employed a misogynist to spearhead your brand outreach.   Good job! I'm sure you're Public Relations team is busy. I wouldn't want their job.   Perhaps they'll be burning the midnight oil and piling a few donuts too.

Ruh roh Jefferies... no fat staff members allowed! But I strongly suspect the comments were well planned to create a social media and digital furor to draw more attention to a brand that only recently has begun to perform to expectations in terms of sales.   If so, that is disgusting and I like you even less.

Won't be buying your Brand again. Like, ever. Probably won't forgive you either. Not because I am fat, but because your CEO is stupid and represents your corporate culture whether you like it or not. And my cash is eagerly accepted by other brands who do a far better job of being socially conscious and considerate to the hand that feeds them. And their profits.

Signed a former customer, business owner, professional brand manager, Aunt, Daughter, Sister ... and certifiable fat chick....

Now where did I leave that cookie?

Nick Jefferies this one is dedicated to you on behalf of amazing, human beings and women of all sizes around the world who think you are the biggest asshole we've seen in awhile. Mouah! xx

Breathe

2013-05-06T13:39:00.001-07:00

It catches up with me sometimes.

The best farce and pretty much the only one I pull off with any success is convincing people in my life that I am always "okay". My energy and enthusiasm for new things, challenges and adventures tends to carry that message forward. "She can handle it" or "You know she loves the mayhem".

Sometimes a small voice inside me goes "I do?".

There is nothing to blame or no one to blame when I feel overwhelmed. Just a need to understand where the emotion is coming from. This is where having great friends in your life is a blessing. And where having a fiancee who understands me ~~sometimes~~ frequently better than I understand myself.

Think nothing intimidates me? Hehe. You should ask Kevin what I was like the day after I left my job at the Ontario College of Pharmacists. A succession of "Oh my God what have I done?" and all sorts of insecure tantrums as I got used to the idea of flying solo, from an economical perspective. I ~~completely~~ ~~absolutely~~ sort of believed in myself and while few people understand why I rushed to be in Texas at such a vulnerable time when I was launching my business, it was the best thing I could have done. Kevin who has a family full of private business and entrepreneurial people. Kevin the coach (because he really is one in so many ways). And more.

Rocks don't float. They need other rocks beneath them to build a foundation. In that stressful time I learned even more about him. I learned that we are so similar it is frightening sometimes. And I learned how much he loved me while he stood with me in that storm. In all storms actually, is my steady Kevin. My strength comes from me. It is augmented by an amazing partner who believes in me and supports me in all things.

A man who has my best interests at heart. Always. He also happens to make really really good fajita's.
I am a writer, a poet and a small business owner. A perfectionist, someone with ADHD and driven in a way that sometimes intimidates people. I'm not bragging about that. Actually that fact makes me pretty sad when I try to reach out to other women and foster friendships, only to find that it's hard for some women to relate to me. I'm not alone in this ... I'm not the only business chick that runs into that wall with other women. I've done some reading on it so I can stop blaming myself when it doesn't "work" as though it was a genetic flaw.

I'm competing with the voice of my Father in my own head. The one that told me that writing was no talent. That creatives were useless. That a fat girl would never be loved. If you must know... that's where it all comes from. And if I can elevate others in the process, I do.

Part of having A.D.H.D. is clinical anxiety. Keep in mind I maintain that it's a superpower and not a scourge but I work hard on my focus and I work harder on filtering my anxiety in a way that doesn't impact people around me. It is my demon to wrestle and most of the time it's in a pretty cage with a big lock. Some days the culmination of all of it though... the desire to FIX EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. The desire to prove myself to a Father that frankly, doesn't give a shit about me (makes no sense right?). The desire to have a life that I am proud of. The need to make a ripple or a difference. Stand out. Stand up. Change stuff. Inspire. Support. Coach.

If I am smart, shouldn't I be able to fix all of this? It bangs down the door like a lynch mob. The pressure of it.

Today there was extra time to throw the ball to my dog Dante. Spend some time sitting on a blanket under the tree with Diego and tell him I loved him. I laid back with my iPod and listened to some inspirational music and just... felt what it felt like to breathe. Take it down to the essence of that basic activity. No computer. No phone. Just sun, grass, dogs and air.

"You worry too much about shit you can't control" said my sister Kim to me once. Always the emotional minimalist. "Learn how to say 'screw it' and walk away". I'm not sure she ever understood how much I wished to have the option.

I like listening to music with no words when I feel like this. It helps somehow.

North of 40: My Birthday Podcast

2013-05-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

When I am 40...

I remember telling my sister while we sat on the sand near our cottage at Wasaga beach. I think I was fifteen and she was ten. I remember she had purple Popsicle stains on her lips and tongue and she smelled like grape juice.

"When I am 40 I am going to be rich, married and have a great house and two kids. I'm also going to be a famous writer too."

She stared out onto the white caps thoughtfully.

Every time the phone rings today, I wish it was Kim.

"If you make a lot of money, can I come live with you?"

"Yeah, as long as you don't eat all my Popsicles."

My head is a place that points forward but always looks back, and these memories wash over me at the most unusual times. God I miss her so much.

Every. Single. Day.

I woke up this morning to a flurry of emails, direct messages on my social networks and posts on my Facebook wall. Digital me lives a pretty solitary life down here in the suite of my parents basement, like a writing Golem of sorts. This digital life. There are a lot of people who love me and I am blessed, they just happen to all be far away. :) But that's okay because the cool thing about Love is how you don't have to be in the same room to feel it.

I'll get a hug from blondie for sure.
She's emo that way.

I had these great plans to do something like a full day at the spa. I've never had one of those ever, and I had made a reservation in Toronto that I cancelled three weeks ago after Diego fell down the stairs. Am I bummed? Maybe a little but ask me if I would choose a spa over having my little buddy stay with me for one more great adventure? He's the best birthday gift I can fathom.

This month kicked my ass but I didn't let it beat me. And I did it with some energy and a smile on my face (I have references). I did it with love and generosity for those around me. I aimed for the positive and kept trucking and my point for mentioning is just... I guess I am really proud of myself. I didn't freak out, flip out or take my shit out on anyone despite it being the most stressful month I can remember.

The Nottawasaga River Ontario Canada.

Dante and I are going for a long walk today. Probably down to my river. There is a place where the concrete remnants of the old bridge that my sister and I used to fish from is close to the water. The lazy brown Nottawasaga River winds around, and sometimes a nosy turtle pops up for a look-see and makes me laugh. Dante has never been there and it's a magic place for me. Diego and I have written a lot of poems there and blog posts. More than I can count. I need to get to some water. The thoughts slow down a little.

If I can be really honest, it's 10 am and there is a spoon in a small ice cream carton beside my computer. I know. I know. But I don't care today. It's my birthday and I feel like I crossed some big threshold that is more than a number. I'm not sure that God would answer a prayer that requested an expedited immigration process, but I'm guessing he'd smile at me just the same.

I don't have all the answers at the age of 40. I probably never will.

PS: This is still my favourite song after twenty seven years.

You Are Allowed to Invest In You

2013-04-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

Present tense. It is something that a great psychologist I saw for a time (Dr. Deborah Duggan) taught me. As a writer I guess I have a tendency to analyze, speculation and try to rationalize perhaps a little more than some people. The need to understand why certain things happen is perhaps an arrogance.

Do we ever know why people hurt us? Why they betray our trust? How you can stand beside someone in their darkest moments and have them drive the knife in the moment you try to save yourself too. Why do some people have absolutely no problem with using your loyalty, generosity and kindness like a battery and then discarding you without returning the favour? Why are some people so insecure that your happiness or success offends them? Why aren't they inspired by it? Why don't they ask for help to achieve their goals too?

Sometimes I think I'm from another planet. You know, the one that is actually happy and inspired by people who have the things I want, are doing the things I want to and are successful in things I admire. Jealous isn't part of my genetics. Never has been. Hurray for self esteem!

I didn't give up trying to save people. I did change my approach and focus more on giving people tools to help themselves. That way I can still help but not at a personal cost to my own energy, health or mental well being. That balance was a hard thing to learn for me. Kudos if you figured it out before I did.

Pulling back from anyone felt selfish to me. I knew I was strong and sometimes frequently stronger than many people in my life. Able to plow through like a bull through some incredible shit and land on my feet. Do I think everyone is like me? No. From that place I've always felt responsible for everyone. My Dad who screwed his family over. My sister who broke my Mom's heart. My Mom and Step-Dad who need to do a better job of spending time with the people who love them, and give more of their time instead of presents. A series of boyfriends that expected me to bear their demons or lack of direction for them (and I did). And me... I'm full of flaws I can't stand. Maybe that's why I work so hard on them.

I don't accept the status quo. I create it in my own life.

It took me forever to learn that it was okay to invest in myself too. Throwing myself into the lives of people I cared about, my needs were never met. It isolated me. It made me feel burnt out and left me with little energy to invest in my own life. It didn't occur to me that I could put my needs first and still meet the needs of people who were important to me. There was enough room for everyone to be fed... it never had to be an "either/or" equation.

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday and I am sitting on many more thoughts in my head than I wish were there. I consider myself 25 in my head, so really it's just a number. Hair dye fixes the gray, and longer hair is slowly turning me cute and girly. And I am okay with that. It's a new thing. I feel pretty.

I feel powerful. Wise. Experienced. Temperate. Balanced. Ambitious. I feel happy. And I also feel like I should have figured this out six years ago when I got divorced, but perhaps it was a necessary journey to come to this wisdom? To truly fill my own shoes as a woman I am proud now to be.

I'm proud of who I am and the journey I am on. My values and my integrity. The solid relationships I have built and the new ones I am building. This energy won't quit and I love it! Diving into each challenge of working for myself and a growing business, I feel alive. Fulfilled. In love. Engaged. Whole.

I feel the need to step to the side of the 'marathon of life' and watch people I care about pass by on their own journey to the same conclusions and outcomes. I painted a sign and I am waving it madly in the air from the sidelines...

Please don't feel guilty for investing in yourself.

You can give yourself permission

to be happy.
Because I did. And it totally worked.

Children Are Evil: A Post On Racism

2013-04-29T06:32:00.001-07:00

You know you can't trust them.

I mean for starters, look at how many there are in the world. No matter where you go you will find them. Children. In the grocery store, in church or temple, at playgrounds and congregating suspiciously at schools. Why do they have to congregate in such large groups? You know they must be up to something.

Children can be so nice and quiet and then just snap, and get angry and start throwing toys around. Have you ever seen a group of angry children? Their rage passes from one child to the next like an infection, and soon you have a room full of screaming angry children that want revenge.

They are in every corner of the world. In fact, did you know that there are more than two billion children alive today on this planet? That is a veritable army should they ever decide to mobilize and start invading other countries or taking over communities, religious groups or government. Ask anyone in government if they have children, and the answer is probably yes. See? They are infiltrating politics for Global Political Dominance.

Insidious.
You just know they are planning something big.

And then there are child fighters in other countries. Do you really need more evidence than a ten year old with a machine gun to know that children are inherently evil? Because they are. I mean, why else would they go around shooting people or setting off car bombs and all those horrible things? Do you need any more proof?

IF YOU SEE A CHILD

Use extreme caution and avoid contact wherever possible

Report children immediately to the authorities if they are having a hot chocolate at the local donut shop with friends. They are congregating to plan mass destruction!

Give any child a dirty look on the bus, plane or in the store or on the subway. Particularly if they are carrying a back pack or a purse, or a briefcase. That's where they carry the bombs.

Do not let your family talk to or play with children. Even if their family has been in this country for generations, it does not matter. They are children. They could turn on you any moment!

If something bad happens, blame a child. Even if there was no child around.

When something bad happens and a child is responsible, remember that all children are evil. Tell everyone that is is additional proof.

When children kill other children, don't feel bad about it. It's probably what God wanted.

Deface and graffiti any home that has children in it. Also any community center, or place they go to pray. You have a responsibility to make them feel terrible for being children.

ALL CHILDREN ARE EVIL!
(I am making a weak sarcastic point)

But now you get how it feels to be a member of the Muslim faith.

Maybe it is past due time to think about PEOPLE in terms of GOOD and BAD regardlesss of colour, religion or belief? Do you really want a list of North American monsters, serial killers and the like? Because none them were Muslim right?

Click here for a list of American Serial Killers (more than 200 known)
Click here for a list of UK Serial Killers (more than 150 known).
Click here for a list of Canadian Serial Killers (more than twenty known).

By those statistics I should be mostly afraid of Americans, the British and Canadians since we round the top three countries with the most serial mass murderers. But we aren't afraid are we?   Why not? Do you see my point? And further to that, Muslims living in Canada and the United States and Britain have left their countries looking for a peaceful existence and an opportunity to raise their families in Countries that are politically less volatile. They moved in most cases, leaving their families behind to look for a better life.

Define your sense of immigrant. Unless you are Native North American Indian, you are one too!

I am horrified by Terrorism. Indirectly I know a couple people who were in Boston. We had friends who worked and lived in New York City.   The bombs they caught on the trains were in Downtown Toronto, set to blast Union Station or along the Via Rail track. The very same station I went through every day. The one Diane goes through every day!    It is in my backyard. It is people that I know. I'm scared too when this stuff happens.

I'm just not stupid enough to blame the Muslims or make them accountable as a Faith for the actions of fundamentalist nut cases. I guess at the age of forty I have learned that crazy comes in many flavors, and it is always the individual I hate, not the race or colour that spawned them. Please stop holding good people accountable for the actions of random nut jobs they don't even know.

They don't deserve to feel like criminals in their own country, every time something like this happens. Nor do their children need to feel like the world hates them for something they have never done.

PS: I never get political in my posts, but you see as someone with several friends around the world that are Muslim, and hearing about what they have to go through I guess I felt the need to say something. It's not right. It needs to stop.

Feed Your Heart

2013-04-28T13:20:00.002-07:00


Hot chocolate for breakfast? Sure! I roll like that Raven!

If you haven't got that I am a relationship person by now, there's no hope for you. [wink]

Rounding out the worst financial month of my life (I know we all have them) I am smiling because I worked my way through it and learned a bunch of stuff. For instance, the minute you say that a $700 roaming charge bill is insurmountable be prepared to have life show you otherwise. My month you see was going to be ruined because of that bill. Then my dog fell down the stairs $2350 with about $500 that was cash and the rest I've sorted on a payment plan over the next three months. Then the speedometer on my car broke $75 to reset the computer thingy. Then emissions check, license tags $100. Then dog tags $80.00.

So um... yeah

The moment I got back from Texas I got a message from my Nephew explaining that it was really important we spend as much time as possible "while I was still from Canada". I tried to explain to him that I will still be Canadian behind enemy lines (kidding... I love Americans and the United States). Nonetheless my nephew Aidan was right. So we made a date for an Aunty Sleepover Party.

Then all hell broke loose. I took on extra work to pay the extra bills (I wrote 50,000 copy in 7 days which is a new record for me considering it was in addition to my regular blogs and posts). Whoa. Fear is a great motivator (chuckle). Suddenly I was praying for my dog to survive, not sleeping much at all and missing Kevin more than words could say. Some people suggested that I cancel my sleepover party because the circumstances had changed. I mean... everyone knew it was an awful month for me and they'd understand right?

And in my heart I knew that Aidan and Raven would too. But I wouldn't be so kind to myself if I had, and I am sure glad I didn't.

I'm tired of promises that don't get kept. And I try really hard to keep all of mine. I don't like "bailing" on someone when we have plans. I like to keep my word, and it is especially important to keep your word to kids because you are exactly where they learn the value of things like personal integrity. Love. Family. Conflict resolution.


I have one of them converted. Working on the second...

In addition to all those bills this month, I scraped up some extra to buy Diego some treats and take Aidan, Raven, Mom and Dad to breakfast on Saturday morning. Why? Because how often do we get to be all together. And they loved going out together and eating like a family and my heart panged because I thought there should be more of this kind of stuff. Much more.

My niece invaded my closet and tried on all my high heels and some dresses. I remember being eight years old too, and my heart swelled. My nephew got pwned on Peggle by Grandma. My Mom's Peggle scores are inhuman... don't even get me started on that.

It was hectic you know? Wake up, take dogs out (oh we were also dog sitting for friends two extra pooches). Wipe Diego's face. Medication. Breakfast. Syringe feed him water (he's stubborn). Then antibiotics twice per day. Icepack every other hour for 15 minutes (he's bit me four times this weekend for that). Then Niece, Nephew... giving them my best. Social posts and business emails.

I'm damned tired :) Heh. But happy. I talked to them. Taught them stuff. Made them laugh. Made them think and showed them how much I love my Cyclops Chihuahua. When they tested me (and of course they do... come on now they are ten and eight years old) they got reminded of what my values and manners (and expectations of them) are. Gently.

"I'll go sit in the other room if you are mad at me"
"Just because I let you know something is not okay, doesn't mean I am angry Raven."
"Are you going to stop talking to me?"
"You know I never stop talking Raven...."

[Insert funny Aunty look]
[Insert Raven giggles]

"I love you. And just because we bonk heads from time to time doesn't mean I don't love you.

I don't ever want you to go away, I want you to talk to me until we work it out.

Because that's what families do."

And then I paused because I know exactly where I got that sentence.

Thank you Kevin for reminding me about unconditional love again. My armor was so dinged up and rusty I had forgotten how good it feels to just love, and not be worried about the consequences or score keeping.   To remind other people how to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to love in this way too. I am tired this evening but my heart is fed knowing I'm a role model and creating memories for these kids that they will cherish forever. Maybe one of these moments will bring a smile to their face when they are 40 and remind them of how special and how loved they are.

I'm not going to say how I did, but I think I inspired my Mom a little this weekend, even if it took me setting an example or giving a reminder.

Once I was out weeding tomatoes in the garden, and my Nonno picked up a peck of sand. I thought he had a bug or something but he put it in his palm and closed it, then tapped me on the shoulder.

I stared at the few flecks of sand.

"Do you know what this is Lori?"
I stared blankly. "Sand?"
He ignored my sarcasm.

"In the whole world there are only a few that really love you. These are the ones you keep in your hand all the time."

Ora capisco il Nonno. Infine mi pare di capire...

Dog Gone Surgery

2013-04-24T06:41:00.001-07:00

His warm brown eyes locked into mine through the window. The first and last dog I would get from a Pet Store as I became educated on all that after him. But there he was this little mouse of a black thing, crying in a corner and I froze.

Black Chihuahua. $825 fully vetted, four months old.

At four months he was still this wee little mouse you know.   And I found myself getting my face closer to the glass. He stopped howling in that puppy voice and turned his head and looked right at me. Then he fell over. Then he got back up and sat all pretty like, with this little shoe lace of a tail wagging.   And I fell in love.

The test results had come back and I was not pregnant. Again. We had just bought a new house and I commented how one of the four bedrooms was going to be just perfect for a nursery. All the light came in it and it eventually became my home office instead. I had a prissy white cat at home named Joey but I felt I needed even more. Someone that would get me out of the house and walking.

When I stepped away from the glass to call Paul, the puppy started crying again. I took a step forward and he stopped. I smiled. He wagged his tail. Paul choked at the price but I arranged financing on my own. Black chihuahuas are a little hard to come by and despite being on the shelter lists for some time, we hadn't found one. My husband knew I was hurting and consented.

"Ma'am I think I'll be taking him home" I said.
"Oh, there was someone else in the store looking a couple hours ago..."
"Too bad. He's mine. Please bring the forms."
"Okay Mrs. Sheppard".

He was crying again but when they brought him to me, I cupped him in my hand against my chest. And he kissed me, and fell asleep in my hand.

That's the story of how we started, Diego and I. I slept on the floor for weeks training him and bonding with him.   I began to work from home so that gave me the opportunity to really pour myself into making him an intelligent companion and a really polite little dog.   To a point. He's always been very protective of me.

Someone had to be I suppose. And sometimes I think that God sends Guardian Angels in the most unusual forms. We always look for divinity in spirits and overlook the people or the beings that are sent into our lives to guide us and love us. To be there for us when no one else is.

This blog in fact, started in my post divorce apartment. About 370 square feet of rubber maid moving boxes and cardboard this and that's. And a little black and white dog who's bed was really the first thing I set up.   It took me a while to figure out where he wanted his food and water though. He's fussy like that.   He'd move it to a new spot every day until he decided where he thought it should be.

I broke down crying on Skype with Kevin last night. All the things that your inner child says when you feel safe to express them. I heard the five year old of my inner self talking.

"I'm not ready to lose him yet. I can't. I'm not ready."
"He has been at many points in my life, the only reason I ate, slept or took care of myself because he was counting on me to take care of him."
"Do you know how many times Diego has let me bury my head in his fur and just cry?"
"He attacked two paramours that tried to hurt me in Toronto you know... he's such a brave little guy."
"He just ... knows me. He knows me so well."
"Oh my God Kevin... please pray for us. I'm not ready to lose Diego yet."

I've tried to keep myself in a positive place you know? Not worry anyone because I believe that positive thinking nets positive outcomes. I really really do. For a spell the entire world forgot about me. Every single person I knew treated me like I was invisible... except a little black and white dog who in all ways possible, really gave me a reason for living at some of the lowest parts of my life.

"He's an older dog..."
    (I cringe whenever people take that tone).
"Mom seriously... I don't want to talk about it."

That's been repeated about twenty times in the last two weeks.

Last night I walked around the back yard with him. I've been carrying him about about five or six times per day to do his 'business'. I know which trees are his favourite and since he can't really walk (and I don't want him hurting any other legs) I'm sure I've made the neighbours laugh as I've been taking him to different trees and even his #2 spot. That strange, crazy writing girl next door...

Last night I carried him upstairs into my Mom's office and broke down. She held him while I had the much needed melt down I had been avoiding (which I then repeated with Kevin about an hour later). My Mom held him and patted him while his tail wagged furiously. He's Grandma's sucky too.

"Nanny and Barty (his departed girlfriend - Officer Deb's dog) won't let you go to heaven if they see you. They know how much your Mommy needs you Diego. And so do you."

[Insert irrational fear spouting tears and feeling like a kid in front of my Mom] It always freaks her out a little when I cry because I always give her shit for being so emotional. When the mountain crumbles it always freaks out my family just a little...

Right this moment there is a little black and white chihuahua (granted he's got one eye now and some missing teeth, and a lot of gray hair around his nose). But right this exact second as I am writing this I am crying again... and a little nose just touched my foot gently.

He's my best friend. I'll know by five. And this is going to be the longest day I've had in awhile because while I believe that all dogs go to heaven... I really want heaven to wait awhile for mine. Please. I know heaven doesn't usually take request but we still have one more adventure left.

And when it's time I want him to leave this world the way he came into mine. In my hands and right beside my heart. Not like this. Not far from me. I owe him that. I hope God grants me that one day. Just not today.

Do What You Want To Do!

2013-04-23T15:18:00.001-07:00

I was up until 4:00 in the morning last night... er this morning.

Some of you I am sure can relate. My brain just won't shut down sometimes. It. Simply. Won't. Shut. Up. And being employed in a creative career as a digital marketer, it is both a blessing and a curse. First and always a blessing because I get to do what I love. I get to write, collaborate to create cool graphics, websites and interesting campaigns.

Did I mention one of my new clients was a historically famous celebrity basketball legend for the Arkansas Razorback's? There are not enough woots! in my heart for how I feel about that. And I think I would be more modest about it if I didn't get here by busting my ass. I've earned it. Diego is pretty proud of me.

Marketing is the only field I can work in where I do not get bored. For me being bored is a very very bad thing and almost as bad for me as being lonely. Nonetheless my creative guns were shooting off starting midnight last night. I was just about to settle in with a book and then it hit me. Ideas. I had run into a road block with my website and there was two ways to do this. I could pay some schmoe $350 to set it up for me (ouchie) or I could put my big girl pants on and use my brain accordingly. After all if the nice boys at GoDaddy could do it, why shouldn't I be able to?

Come on now. I'm a girl. I can do anything! I was going to let some complicated website scary assed php code stop me? Pffft! Yeah right. Now most WordPress sites are a cake walk. Leave it to me to pick something a) expensive and b) mucho flashy c) a royal pain in the arse to install.

Nonetheless from 12:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m. today I:

Learned how to use FileZilla and set up my own FTP to link with my GoDaddy source folders
Learned what a source folder was and how to upload images and other documents for my website to the GoDaddy back office.
Learned what an SQL file is
Learned how to open and CAREFULLY edit an SQL file (after making a copy just in case)
Learned how to upload an SQL file using phpMyAdmin
Learned how to back up my database (copy it in case I borked it)
Learned that this can take up to 24 hours with GoDaddy (insert expletive)
Learned how to (when GoDaddy is ready) upload my new edited SQL file to point to my new domain at www.socialmemultimedia.com
Learned that eating a box of Hot Tamales after 3:00 a.m. is sooo not a good idea.

There you have it. For the record I didn't think I could stop drinking Diet Pepsi but it's I think Day 11? I added some real orange wedges into my aluminum water bottle today and I smiled.

Any day. Any moment in any day. Any week, month or year you can change your outlook on life. I feel amazing, blessed, abundant and energetic. Instead of looking at the wall thinking "I can't climb that" I run up to the wall these days with dynamite. Hard work, persistence and the support of kind and nurturing people in your life and you can really do just about anything.

And believing that you can? That's where it starts.

PS: My damned website isn't up yet. Waiting for the victory dance. :) It will be a loud one though because like most things, I could have taken the easy way out. Instead I chose to learn something new, and that's one of the things I love most about myself. Now where are the tamales....because I learn like that. >:)

Success

2013-04-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yep. On the right track. I'm printing this and putting it on my fridge or my sight board to remind me. I'm mostly in the green now. When I got divorced I was mostly in the yellow. How is that for six years of hard work! Woot!

Hope you find it useful! :)

The Machine

2013-04-21T02:31:00.001-07:00

I have a list on my wall.

It's the kind of list I think a lot of people would have a hard time making, let alone putting it in front of their face behind their monitor so that they can stare it down everyday. I don't know what has got into me but it both scares and delights me. I feel like the machine in me has been activated and I suppose that's the best way to put it.

My 40th birthday is on May 1st. And much like the thinker I am (notice I didn't say over-thinker because I don't believe it's possible to think too much) I have spent some time considering lost time. It always comes back to the clocks you see. When I die I won't be surprised if they find some kind of ticking stop watch in my brain because I hear the seconds constantly.

I've thrown myself into my parents divorce and tried to mediate it.   I threw myself into my sisters life and tried to stabilize it.   I threw myself into my husbands life and then my divorce to make sure he was okay. I threw myself into the lives of boyfriends and acquaintances that came along.   Seeing a trend there?

Where the fuck did I factor in there? Where were my dreams, fears, aspirations and comforts considered in all of that? They weren't.   That isn't the fault of people that needed me. It's my fault for not building my needs in there too. I own that, not anyone else.

I am hungry for many things right now and feeling better from the surgery. No longer dragged down by daily chronic pain, uncontrollable bleeding and anemia. Those things are gone. No longer eaten up by a five hour per day commute grind to Toronto that sucked the bloody life out of me.

Am I working less hard? No. More now that I am home.   There are some days I scare myself with how much I throw myself into my business.   I've been reading a lot about my hero Mark Cuban and thinking this is more about how I was always built, but I laid my focus elsewhere. I invested in people instead of myself but it's not that I think that is ever a bad thing.   It's not. And I continue to invest myself in others but with more a sense of where that fits in with my goals.


Damned skippy.

Before I got married and I was traveling internationally and doing trade shows, creating advertising and copy and press kits (and winning awards for them) I had a boss that said I was a "machine". How I could just turn everything else off and focus on what I wanted to accomplish and make it happen.   That machine softened when the urge to become a Mom hit me after I got married.   That's gone too (in a way). I have kids in my life that I get to spend time with and love, and that was my destiny and I have accepted it. A taste of it from time to time that makes my heart feel good.

I realized this morning as I started working at 4:00 a.m. (see what I get for going to bed early?) that the machine is back. I know this facet of me which means some really cool things are about to start happening again.    And they are. I'm re-engaged and focused on my career and business again with a hunger and drive that is full throttle.   I'm losing weight since I got home.   I gave up drinking soda (just like that... nine days ago and not a drop since).   Once this damned snow is gone I'll be incorporating my new morning walks (both with the dogs and then my own distance walking again every morning).   My pedometer is ready to go.

Healthy. Balanced. Ambitious. Creative. Exercised. Organized... with towels folded the right way.   I woke up this morning and realized that my birthday is bothering me far more than it should. I'm tired of telling myself about the things I want to be. It would be more time effective if I just started being them instead.

$3500 Vet bill? NO PROBLEM. New website, new business accounts, on-boarding and the book is flying out of my finger tips every day (now that I make time for it).   Articles flying off to publishers.   I'm just not afraid anymore. Just when I think I can't do something I prove to myself that there is always a way around it if I stay calm and intelligent. My approach to just about everything now that I made the leap and left the comfy daytime job for full time freelance. I'm not afraid of fear. I'm not afraid of failure or what other people think. The things I am afraid of are losing the people I love. Everything else is pretty much in the realm of self-management. I feel like I finally found my engine again. I'm surging and I am going to harness this and make it work for me and my life.

The only person that has limited me has been my concern with what people thought, what people said and the comments of people in my past life who couldn't be happy for me when I was on the upswing. The truth is this probably would have happened sooner if I wasn't so concerned with shining and how much some people in my life hated the idea of me succeeding in any way, romantically, career wise, financially. Now I understand... I tried to be less so that I wouldn't stand out, because I wanted to fit in.

I don't fit in because I am different. And I've come to the conclusion that I never will unless I start looking for people who are either a) comfortable with me being out loud and balls to the wall or b) people who are exactly the same way.   Have a problem with me being outgoing, loud, confident.... dare I suggest the problem is you? It's called working your ass off and if that's something you can't respect because it makes you feel jealous, you aren't the type of person I want in my world. Guess what... I help people in my Microcosm get there too... it's not all about me. It's about being empowered and feeling good about your life and challenging yourself.

I've left a lot of junk at the curb. It will make you lose years pondering and I've already wasted enough in that place. There is no room in the trunk for it anymore why the hell have I bothered to hold on to any of it? Giving it up in the most positive way. Done. [insert dusting my hands off].   I have a sheet of paper in front of my eyes that talks about "the now" and "the next".   And all that energy? have wasted on "the what was" or trying to understand the "what happened" has been reallocated.    I've learned and burned for 40 years and now I think that it's the right time to show myself what I can really do when I focus on me.

It's not you. It's me.   It's my time to be selfish on behalf of myself. I'd apologize but I've got not a damned thing to be sorry for. Not one. And I'm done acting as though I should be less to make some people feel comfortable. If you are frowning at the noise, move to another room... or join the party. That shit and your reaction to people who are happy with their lives is entirely up to you. And I can't help you process that.

5 Things My Dogs Like About Me

2013-04-19T16:53:00.001-07:00

I'm writing up the last of 50,000 words of extra content this week. [Insert rawr!]

The predictable irony is that by the time I am done paying for Diego's surgery my car will probably break down again. Such is my luck. :)

The truth of the matter is that I can barely type right now. My fingers are swollen and my baby finger is doing this little thing on my left hand where it curls and makes me rub it. Too much typing but when typing is your business, so be it. You learn to use muscle relaxers and Advil to mitigate the days where your hands won't move as fast as your brain. Such is the life of a commercial writer but compared to a bad day in Bangladesh, I have nothing to complain about. I work from my home every day and I love it as well as the challenges and learning curve of a growing business. I'm engaged and I haven't felt this excited or alive in a very long time.

This blog is so dear to my heart that I actually feel bad when I neglect it. It's always a joy to write here and get out my thoughts and work on my understanding of certain things in my life. When I go back in time and I see my development as a blogger and writer now I smile. Passionate, temperamental thing that I still am but perhaps I've grown the filters and a heart and mind strong enough to reign it in. Channel it into my business? I think that's where it all goes now.

I got an email from one of my readers here that asked me to do a "Ten things you didn't know" type of meme blog post. I never do those kind of challenge posts (not that I think they aren't cool) it is just that I never have much of a problem coming up with ideas to write about. You don't see me doing the 365 day challenges either for the same reason.

The hard part is not writing :) And I work on that too.

But ten things about me? I don't know if I feel like filling up a blog post full of posturing wonderful (or shitty) things about my personality. But I do respond to requests from my readers Sarah, so I took a creative spin on it. Hope it makes you smile and hope you are feeling better soon.

5 Things My Dogs ~~Like~~ Love About Me

I buy good dog food. If you have ever tasted the cheap shit, you will know why this is very important to my dogs. If you feed your furbabies crappy food, good luck on your future vet bills.
I have a big bed. It's massive actually. That's because they take up one whole half of it. Apparently Kevin is opposed to the dogs sleeping in the bed. I am not allowed to comment on what the dogs said when I told them [EXPLETIVE] but he has agreed he will "train them" to sleep in their bed and not with their Mommy. *cough*goodluckwiththatKev*cough
I like tennis balls. This is mostly important to Dante.
I gave them dignified names. Do you know how many Chihuahua's there are in the world with utterly embarrassing names like Taco, or Salsa or Nacho? Puhleeze! If you have named your dog this then you should know that my dogs make fun of them at the park.
Walkies! 'Nuff said.

Mark Cubanisms

2013-04-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

Damned Skippy Mark!

I've learned some lessons in business and one of the things I was reminded of once more this year is to be picky about who you work with. I had a verbally abusive and temperamental client who was a nightmare to work with. I used to see her log on to Skype and I would cringe. Consistently. Finally when I was in Texas I had enough, and politely excused myself from her talent roster.

It bugged me to end any business relationship on that kind of note, but she wasn't the type of person I wanted to work with.

When I visited her office in Toronto it was a mess of boxes and dishes with food on it. I admired this mayhem? She was yelling at her graphic designer. I admired this behaviour? She kept my invoices for weeks without contacting me to pay and placed me in a precarious financial position a couple times before I was done with it all.

Keep in mind this was someone I thought I admired because she had earned a very notable mention in a very big magazine. I was star struck! I would say to Kevin "I want to be like her some day" and he would say "you'll be better than her because she's a jerk".   Somehow her success made me more patient of the "jerk" part for a time. When I realized I neither liked her, nor respected her methods or m.o. it was time to go.   And I have no intention of being like her.

I'm honest and fun to work with. :) Honest.   I haz references.

Part of being a successful business person I think is looking for talent in progress. Much like the way I was in 2009 when someone tapped me on the shoulder and brought me to my senses.   Sometimes it just takes a little tiny nudge in the right direction from someone who has more experience (or confidence) than you to set you on the right path to success. Christina Galanis was one of those people. So was Generate UK's Mike Robinson and when you find real business leaders who are also good at applying talent and mentoring, well they are the type of business people I respect wholeheartedly. They would be the kind of CEO's that make sure everyone is doing their best and stretching to their potential (don't get me wrong they make you do the work for it of course) and happy.

I love the simplicity of his brain. Work. Succeed. Have fun! Bust your ass.

I now have four business leaders like that in my life that inspire me. And I want to be like them.   Yesterday I was and I'll go short on the detail by saying someone very talented was struggling to put the pieces together and get his enterprise rolling (nope not Kevin... a colleague across the pond in Europe).   I put together an incredible bundle of our services and combined our affiliate talents and gave him something that would start producing immediate clients for him.   He is now a single Dad with a three year old full time and his own growing business and I could hear the same frustration in his voice that I used to have, knowing I had the talent and expertise but no idea how to roll it out and get connected to clients.

Until someone took the time to show me. Those pivotal moments when someone gives of themselves to help you? They are moments and gestures that you never forget.   Yesterday I got the chance to pay it forward and work up to several excited emails from said colleague. The concept works and is having immediate response.

Why wouldn't I save that idea just for me? Why would I spend time building him a flyer and setting out emails of instructions and strategy to roll it out? He won't be paying me for my consulting and while I stand to make a bit of money from it too, that is not the motivator.

I used to say that my life was like a life boat. That I could only pull so many people onto it before it started to take on water. It was my excuse for walking away from people who needed me when I was not strong enough to support them properly at the time or when I felt overwhelmed by their needs. Therapists say that it is healthy to set boundaries like that, but I'm not so sure now. I felt for years that my little boat was about a millimeter away from all the water pouring in and sinking it. And so I avoided taking on any more passengers.

I was wrong Lisa.

I just had to row to shore and build my ass a better, bigger boat that would fit everyone.   It's my job as a human being to help other people because while I may not need that help now, it was there when I needed it the most. It came in the form of my Mother and my beloved best friend Diane.   It came in the form of my business mentors and in my future husband Kevin.

That life boat can be as big as I want it to be. And it's not that I have a mission to rescue the world but moreover I have a responsibility to be a good human being and make a seat when I think someone can benefit from riding with me for a spell. No matter how long or short the trip.

My success will be determined not only by tangibles such as income, getting my damned new WordPress site up (frustrated sigh) or that kind of stuff. What I want to be able to do is look around and feel like I have an authentic connection that is mutually meaningful with everyone in my life. And that in some way, I am paying it forward for the gifts I received when I needed them the most.

Someone like Mark Cuban is impressive because he is rich, but he's pretty likable too. He kept his class and his humour, he works harder than anyone he knows despite the fact that he is rich. He has a passion for life and a passion for not only being successful but enabling others to be successful too. Intelligent people know that we all win... if we all win and the philanthropic view to life makes you smile I think at your own reflection and love yourself well enough to keep making magic happen for others.

I am the woman that you created. You mentors. You few that stood with me up and down the adversities. I blame you for this. :) And I am going to make you proud of your investment. Watch me.

Confessions of a Diet Soda Addict

2013-04-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

Drink. Rinse. Repeat.

Screw the twelve step program. I jumped to the step that mattered. I just stopped cold turkey much the way I did with smoking. I remember the day I quit smoking too, I had pneumonia and I was home sicker than I had ever been in my life. My Bio-Disaster (Dad) went to town to get some more stuff for soup (see he used to be a really great guy I swear!) and told me he would kick my ass if I sparked one up.

Ever the obedient daughter, the minute I heard the garage door closing behind him, I reached under the couch and lit one. Ahhh... du Maurier King Sized.... bliss oh the package smelled so good and the first puff was like... hell. Oh my God! [insert hacking uncontrollable coughing].

I coughed until I thought my eyeballs were going to bleed and barely managed to hang on to the damned cigarette between my fingers while I did. I stopped for a breath and did the grind/twist of the thing in the ashtray.

"What the fuck Lori!" [yes I talk to myself]. I think my face was still blue and I was still staring at the cigarettes because I didn't hear the garage door open again, and suddenly there was my Dad staring down at me looking fifty shades of mafia pissed at me.

"Don't yell. I quit."
"Quit what?"
"Smoking."
"Yeah right."
"No seriously. I control my body not Nicotine."

"Good luck with that..." and he walked off smugly leaving me a Diet Pepsi, which at the moment meant nothing but right now strikes me as a little ironic.

My name is Lori and I have a Diet Pepsi addiction. It's been a lifelong love affair with pop (the Americans call it soda) and I have been gargling with the stuff for breakfast since I was a kid. I remember being in high school and having a six pack

in my locker at all times.   I worked full time and maintained my studies, and managed to be the Yearbook Editor and kiss a couple boys here and there and have some wicked house parties at our cottage in Wasaga Beach.   My schedule (I realize now with a smile) was pretty much the same as it is now. I don't sleep well and I hate wasting time, ergo I am frequently overtired and run down.

Enter the miracle of Diet Pepsi.

My confession is this.   I drink the stuff so much that I worried the nurses after my surgery in November. Ever see an addict in withdrawal? I was in pain and in withdrawal at the same time.

"Bring me some Diet Pepsi"
"Drink water Lori"
"Mom seriously... don't piss me off."
"Lori seriously, I raised you. You don't scare me. Grow up and drink water."

[Insert staring contest]

For those of you who think I am stubborn remember that it all comes from somewhere. [Points to Mother] She's tiny but she's fierce and it was only after she left that I coerced a young nurse into passing me the bottles I had stowed away in my overnight bag and when I took the first sip after my surgery, I let out that happy sigh that I used to when I took the first drag of a cigarette.

And that bothered me ~~a bit~~ a lot.

My scare with cervical cancer (my precancerous cells jumped up to 67% in a five month period ergo the hysterectomy and now the happy face scar on my tummy that makes me anything but happy) made me consider what I was putting into my body. Sanctimonious shit that I am, I was bullying my Mom to quit smoking for her health and meanwhile I was pumping this crap into my body. I'm a smart girl. I definitely knew better but up until the health scare, I frankly did not care.

Interesting twist. One of my new clients is a nutritional supplement company. My job is to find and read and write articles about diet, fitness and wellness. The more I read, the more the addiction bothered me. Much of my reading has been around recent studies of Aspartame and its detrimental effect on health. Adding fuel to the fire and for my writing research, I've been watching nutritional shock-u-mentaries meant to make people sit up and be scared about what they are doing to their bodies.

Like the moment I had with the cigarettes, I carried my empty 710 ml bottles of Diet Pepsi upstairs to the recycling bin. Thursday was a long day for me but a productive one. From 9:00 in the morning (I know... gross but being honest here) I drank 5 x 710 ml bottles of the stuff.   I sat staring at the recycling bin in shock and I thought about my body with compassion, trying to understand how hard my liver and organs must be working to process this crap and get it out of my body.

And I thought about Cancer again. It's always on my mind now and everywhere I turn it seems that someone is getting skin cancer or thyroid cancer (I have hypothyroidism too). Diane's brother in law just finished invasive radiation and chemotherapy and then her sister was found to have a long stemmed white cancer growth on her shoulder.   I've been worried about her family just as much as I worry about my friend, who successfully beat breast cancer.    Just as my Mom who had 14 instances of skin cancer removed from her abdomen four years ago and still smokes like a chimney.

It's been 48 hours since my last soda and I am in withdrawal but feeling proud of myself. I am not going to whine about how much I miss it, because that scares me as much as the profound symptoms of clinical withdrawal I am experiencing. Cranky? Yep. Can't sleep? Yep (but that's hardly new). Hands shaking? What the hell? Seriously? Headache for two days (and that's not like me, I rarely get them).

I had a pot of coffee at midnight because if I couldn't sleep I might as well churn out 5,750 words for a writing project.   I'm in love with a hot, intelligent younger man. I'm excited about my new life and my business, enough to take my health seriously for perhaps the first time.   I'd like to stick around awhile since I feel like I've just found my groove and there are at least a few books inside me that I want to publish before I croak (God willing).

I want to live. I want to be healthy. I don't want to ~~end up back in a hospital~~.

I'm smiling because even the tone of this post is a wee bit more cranky than normal. But that's okay. The detox 'tude has to go somewhere, and I'd rather put it in words than drive my Mom nuts with my incessant gripes.   Diego is by my feet and has been nudging me with his cold nose all day. He can tell I am not myself, smart dog.

But I am working on a better, healthier self instead. Be gentle with Ms. Grumpy for a bit... now to try that sleep thing. It's 3:31 a.m. after all.

Forgiveness

2013-04-13T07:48:00.005-07:00

I woke up with my common sense restored today.   I stretched in my bed and promptly had a tennis ball dropped on my face. Again. Dante has not worked out the finer nuances of 'asking' if I want to play ball. He figures the direct route usually works. He's right.

After I was done tossing the ball a hundred times (he's more terrier than chihuahua and he has the energy of a two year old) I picked up Diego in my arms and walked outside with him. I have to carry him right now until his surgery, which we still don't have a date for. I do however have a prepaid xray for him on Monday and will be getting that date, come hell or high water.   Watching him in pain and immobilized is very hard. I want him fixed up and better than new.   I see it in his eyes.

My parents are gone today which is a great opportunity to get a large chunk of content writing done. Yay! Lately I've been collaborating on special events and providing supports. A lot of Skype calls and my iPhone ringing off the hook. When it's not ringing I am getting texts and that is just fine. I run a business. It's expected and I am grateful to be in demand.   I never take that for granted.

I've got four people "I used to know" (stop singing the song) that really screwed me over. I know that everyone goes through that and I don't think its uncommon. But I guess what bothers me the most is that I let someone in and gave them permission to do me some significant emotional damage. Years later through therapy and talking to people about it, I realize that I didn't do anything wrong. The problem is I still think I did because I let them hurt me.

A ball got dropped on my foot outside (he hides them everywhere) and as I was tossing the ball I was deep in thought. Why am I still angry? I think it was the experience of having so many lies told in the situation. People who were important to me believed those lies. For a time. They were "online" friends. Everyone "offline" was just hoping I would get to the point where I stopped giving a shit about what people thought in general. And eventually, I did.

I'm cleaning house I suppose. Looking around my parents home and at my things, getting ready for the big transition that is coming. Moving to Texas, getting married. Joining another family.   It's a big one and while I love my family dearly, infighting and issues have meant that everyone has created their own little microcosms. In his family? Folks hang out. They celebrate. Pot lucks. Easter egg hunts on the farm. My heart beats happily for the family life I always wanted, with kids everywhere and people who hug a lot.

There is so much warmth there, I feel like I have been starved for it. People who say what they mean and are honest with you. People who might disagree but then work it out because they love each other.   They don't talk bad about each other. I am not running my family down in the least, my Mom is a thoughtful and caring person.   I will miss her and Diane terribly, as well as my Brother Brad and Sister Tracey and the kids Aidan and Raven.

There are a lot of stories about people who got lost in online communities. In retrospect I think I found myself in them.   I still have many friends that I have known for years, including writers and filmmakers and other talented creatives. I love the conversations I have in there and it helped me launch my freelance business.   I hope to do some more writing on that and share how diving into a virtual world actually saved me when I was at my lowest point, I met some people who became friends for a spell. And they guided me, inspired me and fortified me during some of the roughest years of my life.

I forgive myself for not being a better judge of character at the time. Why am I thinking of this right now? Because I am shedding some of the ramparts of the last six years of my life. I'm sorting clothes I no longer like (or will need in Texas). I'm giving away things I think might be useful to others. I'm paring down what is useful and valuable to me. Eventually I won't be triggered by comments from the peanut gallery. They were part of some life that no longer exists, back there where I left them.

The person I forgive is myself.

I Love It!

2013-04-12T14:23:00.002-07:00

My entire life, I have tried to run a business.

What I mean to say is that from the time I was 14, I've been creating businesses. I had this skill to be able to identify a need and then figure out how to provide it, and market myself. While most girls were content to babysit for a few people, I ran a babysitting cartel of sorts. I recruited eager sitters and even took a portion of their proceeds for administrative services. Connecting them to parents that needed sitters, and taking the calls from parents and maintaining the schedule. There were many more.

I like having my own business! [understatement alert]

There are moments of anxiety at first when you step off from the "known" world of salary to the unknown of full time subcontract. One of my clients (and someone I consider to be a mentor also) in Berkshire UK congratulated me when I made the leap. He said that many people dream of owning their own business, but few make it happen. Even fewer make it work for the long term if they do not have passion and drive. His vote of confidence was that I had the skill, passion and drive to be one of the success stories.

I didn't believe that in February. I'd like to say I was cool and chill, totally relaxed about paying my bills. I had prepared for the moment by working hard all summer and paying down assorted bills to make the transition easier. I had a plan and made it happen, but when February came I was shaking in my boots. My self confidence wavered, and when it did my soon to be husband Kevin was right there with his hand on my shoulder.

"I believe in you Lori. You can do this."

There are not enough words to describe how much I love him.

When the marketing efforts began to show and I began to meet with prospective clients on Skype and in person around the Dallas area, I got excited. My presentations were honest, direct and transparent. People liked that I explained complicated things to them in terms that they could understand. My clients enjoy that too. I love people and helping them achieve their goals.   I'm back in Ontario Canada and working hard for them. The feedback is excellent.

I'm good at relationships. I've had a lot of practice and it translates into business relationships as well. People know they can trust me and that I will work hard for results. Know any other social media managers that truly explain metrics? "Let me show you how to tell... if I am doing my job or not" is how I put it and my clients smile.   I care about them and it shows. My business ethic isn't common and I am okay with that.

I've hired someone in Texas part time to help me. I expect to be able to give him more work next month as I organize myself and manage my growth.   I find it hard to believe I've reached this stage so fast. It's not arrogance at all, but mere shock (and perhaps a little panic on the side).   I expected to be growing this fast in six months after the wedding, not now. But it's okay.   I will manage it. Growth is a good thing and I went to school for this schtuff after all.

One goal is to give my best friend a full time job :) That might happen sooner than she thinks. A breast cancer survivor, gourmet cook and awesome wife, friend, sister and daughter ... if I can help Diane work full time from home too, well that would be a victory. I could think of worse things than working all day with my best friend.

The leap was terrifying. Every common sense molecule in my body was screaming at me. Who gives up a government job after eight years in this economy to go freelance?   Someone who was born a marketer, educated a marketer and left the ring briefly to become a Mom.   I'm back remembering all the things I love about my profession and enjoying the Zen of working for myself and working from home.    My dogs love it too. :)

I was published by the University of Indiana. My copy writing is so in demand, I can't keep up. Still won't raise my prices yet though because I love my clients.   Kate White has commented on my writing (former Editor of Cosmo Magazine). Bethenny Frankel advertising firm asked for permission to use a flattering post I wrote about her business acumen on a national blog network. ROCK STAR MOMENTS!   People engage eagerly with me on social networks because I think... they can feel my humour, my wit and my good nature.   I love seeing the responses and the metrics soar when everything is working well.   I like that I get to see the results of my efforts so tangibly.

[Flexes girly muscle]

Radio shows, celebrity basketball players and boxing campaigns. Country clubs and interior decor products. Ebooks in the queue for clients (as well as two that I am going to put on Amazon myself).    It's so exciting and fun I have to pinch myself. Is this real? Yep. Check out my inbox.... phew!

Will I grow into a social media firm? Absolutely.   Will it change me? Not one bit. With the exception that I have a picture of a red Audi on my dream wall.   A house with a swimming pool (hey it's Texas you have to have one it's the law!).   A successful, brilliant partner I love, desire and respect beside me and two little men to spoil. Another family to connect with and enjoy. A faith that is wide out in the open now that adds peace and happiness to my life.

I love what I do and the life that has come with it.   And I am thankful to God for not giving up on me even when I briefly gave up on him.    I'm back and I am about to make him proud by being the kind of person that gives back, and appreciates her blessings.

There are many. xoxo

Thoughts On Conscience

2013-04-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

I used to obsess over boneheads. My pet name for people who take out their grief, dysfunction, unhappiness or frustration out on other people.   I would try to figure them out because honestly the concept was foreign to me. Why choose to be an asshole? It never made sense to me.

It would just bother me to no end when someone hurt me emotionally or someone I loved. I couldn't wrap my head around the type of conscience that would allow someone to say really horrific things about people or do things to deliberately derail people. I've spent my life trying to elevate people and even "save" them and so the concept of deliberately doing someone damage? That is a hard one for me.

How could they sleep at night? I have lost sleep in the past thinking of things I said that were cruel and pointed to people who very much deserved that from me. And I still felt bad about it! I've been stalked, trolled, harrassed and lied to (and lied about) to a small number of people. I worked hard to edit those people out of my life, and the love and affection, respect and loyalty in my life is amazing now. I had to create it though by being super picky about who I associated with.

I let go of a couple people I really loved, because they were bad for me. I agonized over it but at the end of the day the only person responsible for protecting me was myself. My Zen was my responsibility and I have always been aware of my life as a microcosm. The people, the places and the decisions are all up to me. And if I was unhappy with my life, it was me that had to change it.

But I've been guilty of having "bad taste in people". Moreover I've trusted too liberally and it is a wonder that my inner child didn't kick my ass sooner for writing one heart break after another. Not all romantic. I've been let down by family members and let down by people I called Best Friends. It didn't make me jaded. It made me cautious when inviting people into my Microcosm. I've come to accept that is a pretty healthy way of functioning though.

Now I look back at some of those people who hurt me and I smile. The woman I am today would never let a "snake oil" type emotional salesman (or woman) into my life.   I run into quite a few people eager to get to know me online, etc. I believe in being friendly, helpful and supportive of other peoples ambitions to pay it forward for the gift I got from various mentors in my life.   I love that part of me, the one that wants to teach and share stuff that will help other people achieve their goals. I care and that translates into an amazing romantic relationship with my partner, my closest family and best friends as well as the clients that I have established long term relationships with.

Integrity matters.    You can white wash your behaviours or the times that you have hurt people into a perfect state of denial. Convince yourself that you never meant it to go that far. Lie to yourself when you say that it's okay because the person you hurt is back on their feet again.     If they are, it is of their own utter volition. You had no part in their success if you tried to take them down.

Don't celebrate the facade that everything is okay if you have hurt someone terribly. They may not allow you to be close again depending on the crime, but an apology is a healing thing.   It sweeps in like a factual admission that you did wrong to someone who did not deserve it.    It makes them feel better (even if they have no intention of ever speaking to you again).

What you did or what you said to someone, will eventually be forgotten. But what you will have to live with is your own assessment of personal character.   Who are you if you did not try to make it right by coming clean with the truth? Did you value your ego more than you valued your integrity?   I have nothing but respect for people who come clean and say "I did a lot of shitty things that you didn't deserve. I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you". Instead I've learned that some would rather brush it under the carpet, then go back and make it right. Untell the lies they told that caused pain.

But that would require admitting one was wrong. That's a hard pill to swallow for someone who's ego comes before all other things. And sadly, there are a few too many of that sort in the world.   You can bullshit everyone else but at the end of the day, you know the truth of what you did and who that makes you as a person inside.   A liar. A manipulator. A person willing to throw anyone under the wheel of their progress as long as it all turned out okay? Nope. The positive outcome doesn't belong to you, it belongs to the flower that dared to bloom after you stepped on it.

It helps to not believe in a God for some. I think it makes it easier to be a PhD Asshole.

For the record, my conscience is clear. Completely. I'm proud of who I was, who I am and who I continue to become. Can you say the same? I'm guessing... not so much.

He's Just A Dog

2013-04-09T07:27:00.001-07:00

I can hear my fathers voice in my head. He'd be calling me stupid at this point, saying something like "He's just a dog! He isn't worth $3500 Lori, don't be stupid". Happy to disappoint the very few people I know who would be thinking the same thing.

He's not 'just a dog' to me.
And I place 'Love' above money.

When I left my house and former husband, and a life that was pretty much financially abundant, it was me and a bunch of rubber maid containers, a 350 square foot apartment and a little dog. I had to leave a lot of my stuff behind like my camping gear and other things from my "house" life because they didn't fit into my new "single girl barely paying rent" life. There was no room for that stuff, and even if there was... it hurt to look at reminders from my old life.

It's my turn to take care of him.

I looked forward to going into the office because I had no family or friends that lived downtown. Diane gets away to her beautiful cabin every weekend and without a car, few family members showed an interest in coming to see me. I literally fell off the planet with the exception of my Mom and Diane.   To the rest of the world I didn't matter. Assistant job, small apartment, Ikea furniture and a little dog.

My bedroom was just big enough to house my king sized bed (the only real thing I took from our marital home). With all the apartments and lights shining down from the high rises on Balliol street, I found it hard to sleep. There was a guy that slapped his wife around across the hall.   It became my full time job to give him the kind of looks that made him blush when we passed in the elevator. There was a kind younger man with a crush on me next door that I gave homemade spaghetti sauce to. There was an amorous couple right above me that made me sleep with ear plugs in. When you aren't having sex and when you are single, well... finger nails down the chalkboard and through a very thin ceiling apparently.

I would roll over in my bed and put a pillow over my head and cry. And then there would be this little black nose, wet and sniffing that would go under the pillow and lick my face. I half fed him on tears the first year I think. My little dog never complained while I buried my face in his fur, and he let me cry whenever I needed to. Which was pretty often.

There were so many times I sat on the subway platform feeling lost. If I went missing, would anyone know I was gone? I felt like the whole world had forgotten about me and I didn't matter. I had just enough to pay downtown rent and transit, and for nachos and Diet Pepsi. And really really good dog food. No Name ketchup was fine, but he still got Royal Canine if you get my point.   I've never thought about taking my own life but there were many times I sat alone in a park near Yonge and Davisville and I wondered if my life had any meaning at all?   And then a little dog would nuzzle my toes... and stare into my eyes and we'd head home together.

I was home for one day before he fell down the stairs. He lost an eye last year and his depth perception is gone now. He's twelve years old. "He's twelve years old..." some people have said as though because he is old now, he isn't worth caring for.

So let me teach you something about Love instead...

$3500 will come and go many times in my life. This dog, my Diego was my reason for living for almost three years when we were alone together. The only reason I had for going home, keeping my apartment spotless, keeping food in the fridge and renting movies. He loves movies and popcorn almost as much as he loves me.   Know any other dogs that would crane their necks to stare at their Mommy's through Skype? Not many. How about a dog that goes into the computer room and stares up at the monitor, asking Grandma to make Mommy "appear" when she was away for two months in Texas?

Get my point?

He gave me his youth, and laughter. He gave me his support and companionship. He took care of me and never allowed me to give up during the most fearful and lonely times of my life.   Would I ever value money over my dog? No. And while I understand that some people may say they wouldn't be able to afford to do it, I think that is a cop-out and an integrity judgement.

If something (or someone) is important to you then you find a way.   You just find a way. Period. Full stop.

Just as my Mother cared for my Grandmother, paying for a nurse years out of pocket to try to keep her out of the nursing home as long as possible. My Mom got sick putting in the hours of overtime in her factory job to make that happen. She did not complain. Love not only makes things possible, it makes them plausible and if you really truly love someone (including your dog or cat) you move mountains to care for them.

Diego is having his surgery in twelve days. Right now he's hopped up on prescription NSAIDS. My Mom helped by co-signing finance (boy being self employed complicates your credit availability even more so).   With visas and wedding rings, and all the other stuff on the schedule it means that I have to get this paid off in three months.   Thank you Mom for helping me when I needed it (and returning the favour).

Now comes the hard part... The surgery, not the extra hours I am going to work to pay it off. It's Diego. I can't lose him now and I won't.   I don't give a flying fuck about money to be honest with you (and I never have even when I was wealthy). I care about the people that I care about most.   And Diego is my best friend.

I whispered something in his ear yesterday and his tail thumped against my chest. "Stay with me Beans... I'm not ready to let you go yet and we have one more great adventure together. Stay with me, please." And he kissed my tears the way he always does, and I know he understood.   He always does you see.

And that is the value I put on Love.

Turning Fear Into Fuel

2013-04-07T19:16:00.002-07:00

"You can do eeet!..."

It was going to be a tight month from the get go.

Figuring out the cash flow thing and the terrifying "not having a steady paycheck" that comes when you run your own business remains something I need to manage better. I think you take your salary for granted, and I've been a salaried professional my entire life. Now if I don't hunt it and cook it, I don't eat. For a business person like myself that means budgeting time between production (social media posts, blogs, articles, reports and metrics and customer service) and marketing (networking to make new contacts and opportunities). I also need to factor time for reading up on apps, changes to SEO with every update that may impact content.... my website needs redoing.

*pant*pant*pant*

The $700 cell phone bill due this month was a shocker. Damned roaming charges. By the way, if you have an iPhone putting it on the "no roaming" setting does not make you immune to data charges, which for Telus Mobility are $5 per megabyte. Couple that with a $3.99 per minute long distance charge for all calls taken or received in the USA and ... yeah. I should have asked more questions. I thought I was doing it right by surfing hot spots. Not so much.

The license is due this month for my car $100 and so is the emissions test $80. Dog tags for our home town due March 31st were $80. Income tax preparation software $65 and another $210 in incidentals for my car that must be done this month. Holy shit. Money tree anyone? That is an extra $1230 in bills to my fragile self employed budget.

My parents are pretty chill about me paying rent, but I'd like to at least give them something. The dogs need another bag of food $55 from Global Pet food. And just when I was about to augment my income with some burger flipping job, my twelve year old dog Diego fell down the stairs injuring his leg. We'll find out tomorrow how much that is going to cost (like it matters... it's Diego and will be done for him... the little guy is my life!). Vet bill = unknown. Oh yay! :(

Most of the weekend has been spent doing my taxes (yay refund!) and figuring out how to pull dollar bills out of my nose this month. And I know that unless you are very fiscally fortunate (hey I used to be!) that every once in awhile everyone has a month like this.

There are two ways to approach it.

1. Throw my hands up in the air and proclaim that God, Life, Fortune and Luck all hate me and give up on this crazy dream of owning my own business and making it work... becauseletsfaceitIamnottheluckiestpersonintheworldandmaybeitwasirresponsibletoleavemydayjobthathadsomuchsecurityandwhothehellamIkiddingIcantdothisshit!

or...

2. Be a grown up. Put your big girl pants on, put the nose to the grindstone and start churning out all the writing and awesome things you do. You got this. You can do it, you just have to be frugal and resourceful and put in some extra hours this month and crank it out.

And forgive myself for being imperfect. Be grateful for my future husband and his support, my Mom and my family and friends who are encouraging me weekly. Sometimes daily. Sometimes hourly to be honest with you...

Okay Self. Let's remind ourselves of what we can really do.
Compared to a bad day in Bangladesh, you got this nerd girl. Get thy ass in gear!

And stop underestimating yourself.

In Love With Life

2013-04-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Home. Eating breakfast that my Mom made me. We may not always see eye to eye but the woman makes a mean home style breakfast. She's short on the words like "I love you" and "I missed you" but I got a big plate of mom food this morning, gratis. I didn't even have to joke about eggs the way I do when I reeeeallly want her to make me some. They just showed up magically on my desk.

Which is where I am at right now.

I'm starting to get more than a few people asking me how I am doing what I am doing. Am I scared having left my government job? Yep. Do I have moments where I miss things like benefits? You bet! But owning my own business and running it full time has turned into the greatest stress and joy of my life. It's exhilarating and mysterious. Exciting and frankly terrifying not having a steady paycheck but that anxiety has translated into a drive to expand my business. Not for any other reason mind you, than the base fear of not being able to pay my bills.

Jack of One Trade
The two months I spent in Texas taught me a lot about business and my profession. Social media is something that most people have some baseline knowledge in. But just because you've been on Facebook since 2007, does not mean you understand the fundamentals of Marketing and Brand Management.

I run into a lot of customers who had a web designer who thought they were also inherently an SEO specialist and a Marketing professional. I know how pies are made, but I can't bake one. I'd never profess to be a baker and when people ask me if I can set up websites, I refer to an affiliate. If someone asks about SEO I refer to one of my business partners or affiliates. I've got no intention to be a 'jack of all trades' and be mediocre at all of them. I'm a great content writer. I can write in excess of 10,000 words per day now. And with six years of College/University in Marketing, I know my schtuff.

Sauce - McKinney Texas

Being a nerd and a social networker since 1995 ... well that helps a little too. Much like SEO Social Media Managers have to constantly keep up on changes, updates and new features. Apps get introduced to the marketplace every day and my customers are likely to ask about whatever is trending. Is it appropriate for their brand? Will it help them grow their online audience? I read just as much as I write, and somewhere in the middle I am getting ready to be a wife, step-mom and move to Texas.

It's anything but boring but it's not easy. I'm getting complimented on the fact that I achieved my goal of being self employed by the age of 40. But what you didn't see was the 19 hour days that got me here. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. Work... did I eat? That kind of life. It wasn't remotely easy but my founding clients in New York and in Berkshire, UK were very supportive. I know how lucky I am to have met them.

Business Benchmarks
I've hired my first assistant. Granted it is only $300 per month I am paying for a little bit of help, but I have learned that if I am going to have a life and organize myself, as well as leave time to grow my business then I need an extra set of hands. My goal is to provide two full time jobs within the next two years, to women working from home either as stay-at-home Mom's or women providing care for a family member. Why? Because I know what it's like to need the money and have few options, and the four girls I have already mentored in this regard are doing really well. I'm a good teacher, and it feels good whenever I can connect someone to a new path that helps them change their life a little. Banking good karma for all the help and mentoring I have been given, and paying it forward.

I am managing my first international brand, Rob Keller MD. On my journey to fitness and health, it helps to have a few accounts I think that are focused on well being. I believe in the product and I am starting to see some results. Their social is managed directly by me, as well as content planning, PPC advertising budget on Facebook and their new blog? Watch for it. That will be me too. I am currently managing twelve business accounts, and loving what I do and the people I get to work with in the UK, Pakistan, New York, Washington, Texas and Ontario, Canada.

What Is Next?
Doctor heal thyself! It's the same challenge in marketing. My own social and website come last on the list of priorities, and need some work. I'm currently redesigning my website under the registered business name Social Me Multimedia. Watch for a new site, and a branded blog with great posts on social media strategy for SME's and start up businesses. I've got a lot to share... just have to make the time to make my stuff shine with the same vigor as I do for my clients. Another thing I have to figure out on the time management scale.

I'm getting married at the end of the summer. I'm going to love my new home near Dallas, Texas and the family activities there, including entertaining two six year identical twin boys. I've found someone exceptional who I cannot live without. I'm cool with the Canadian flag being second down on the pole. But it will be there Kev. Just sayin'...

What's the punchline? That I am happy. That the pieces of my life are falling together in all domains, and I am truly happy and inspired, excited and challenged. I am proud of myself for the first time in more than a decade and I have created a life where I can walk my dogs three times per day, cook my own breakfast and lunch (unless Mom is around) and enjoy making a living from what I do best. That's a lot of blessings in one persons life and to be honest, I'm not sure how I got here. But I'm in awe of this 'happy' thing and trying my best to stay here, in this zone. It feels good.

PS: Anyone else totally digging the new classy JT? :) Vintage. Love it.

Goodbye to Roger Ebert

2013-04-05T06:42:00.002-07:00

Photo via Los Angeles Business News

I really liked the guy.

He seemed like the kind of fellow likely to be grumpy in the line up for a latte, you know? The temperamental older fellow standing there, tapping his foot and checking his watch. He always seemed like an outspoken, blunt and somewhat aggressive person to me. But true sayers are usually like that. They are impatient for anything that is not direct.

I liked him because of his love for his wife, a lawyer he met later in his life who remained his business partner and caretaker. She didn't need him to be successful. She already was on her own. And so they struck me as the kind of couple that was together for the real thing. For love. I admired the way she micromanaged the minutia of his life and the complicated details that he really wanted no part of. Writers are creative nutcases. The daily stuff freaks us out sometimes.

It's nice to have a partner that understands that. I have one. Now. Creatives need a sound partner that understand the compulsion to write (or paint etc). We need anchors to this world or we want to pull in and not be part of it at all. Bless you Chaz.

But back to Roger Ebert.

Perhaps it was his wife that helped him remain so candid and open about his cancer. There are several people in my life that have had (or currently have) cancer and I understand there is this innate desire to "pull back" and hide from the world. How can you do that when you are a celebrity with a disfiguring type of cancer. It literally ate his jaw and the bottom half of his face away, the thyroid and salivary cancer.

He did not make a tragedy out of his condition, but rather committed himself to remain positive, grateful to be alive and appreciative of his family, friends and other blessings instead. That's the part that I admired the most about him. He didn't spin a drama for attention but rather was an inspiration to other people with cancer.

He didn't hide. He kept on with his life and even made a blog post this week stating "the cancer is back" before announcing a leave of presence. A few short days later the writer and renown film critic smiled at his wife and family, and left the world peacefully.

Thank you for all the words you gave us, even after you could not speak Roger.

Second Chances

2013-04-01T10:10:00.003-07:00

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I've always had a somewhat challenged dialogue with God.

My prayers were often more like angry, venting conversations. Why did you put a Mother's heart into the body of a woman that would never have children? Why did make me so in love with my family and wanting to be close, and then allow me to watch our family fight and then drift apart? Why when I wanted to be a wife and in love so badly, did you allow me to pick the wrong person time after time again.

Why did you have to make me the kind of person that learns everything the hard way? Why have the people I love the most (and have forgiven the most) so distant from my life? How did I end up in a social sphere of people perpetually "too busy" to spend time while my own growing sense of mortality was desperate to share that time together. How many people do we have to lose before we realize that time is the most important gift we ever give, or receive?

I guess I've been frustrated for the last ten years. The things I wanted seemed too simple. A husband I was in love with, a home and children. Dogs running in and out and under my feet (okay I got that...). It seemed that the easy things were out of my reach while the hard things like building a business or fulfilling a dream to be a writer full time seemed to evolve (not without hard work though). I hate being lonely and it seemed I was either in the middle of some drama NOT of my own creation or simply forgotten about.

When I got divorced and stood alone in that apartment with Diego and a bunch of boxes, I think I cried for months because to my family I just didn't exist. If it wasn't for Diane and my Mom and some dear friends in a virtual world, I think I would have probably given up.

I always asked God how someone who loved people so much, could end up so perpetually alone. It's been my kryptonite, the very reason I made some very bad romantic choices. I just wanted to be happy and to find a place where I belonged again. My life. Something that was mine.

I thought I'd never get another chance you see, because I fucked up the first one.

Yesterday I went to the most beautiful church in Sherman Texas. It was not like our sombre Catholic Sunday routine. There was really good free coffee with those cool snap on lids like you get in Second Cup.   There were friendly volunteers everywhere saying "welcome". It was like walking into a recreation complex, the thing was so big. The kids got "checked in" and they got printed name tags and Kevin got these little "kid receipts" to pick them up afterward.

Imagine me with my mouth open looking up and around. Whoa...

This Church had a rock band. Nope, not kidding. Two giant screens and comfy seats.   And the parish sang along with the karaoke style words that were put up on the screen. I didn't have a clue what they were singing, but Kevin nudged me a little and so I gave it a try. And I liked it. A lot. The volume of contemporary Christian hymns in the room gave me goosebumps.

The Pastor was enigmatic. Contemporary again. Just a guy with a heart for God, wearing nice dress pants and a dress shirt. No robe. No mysterious sense of dominance. Just a man that loved his parish and wanted to touch hearts. I cannot recall a service when I was that moved, as he spoke about Second Chances.   Something I had been thinking a lot about lately, and I felt like he was talking straight to my heart.

I've been carrying the weight of my infertility forever. It's part of me that will always ebb and flow like brief moments of regret. I won't be able to relate to Mothers the way they relate to each other because I will never bear a child. It hits me hard sometimes and other moments, it's okay. There are more moments of acceptance now after my hysterectomy.

I've been carrying the weight of my Father and the thing he turned into for ten years now. Whenever I see people from his side of the family, I get hit with waves of their sorrow and I feel like I need to apologize. I knew who he was and loved him. I saw who he became and grew to hate him. Now it's like he is dead and perhaps that's the best way I can carry him. I almost never think of him until someone blames me for his actions (indirectly). And then I bleed through the reopened wounds of it all.

Seeing my former husband remarry and become a Father has freed me from the sense of responsibility I held for him. Always watching and always staying in touch to make sure he was okay. Backing him up in moments where he still needed my strength. Taking care of him from a distance. Now he has a loving wife and a son.    He got his second chance.

Now I am getting mine.

My Easter Sunday started with an egg hunt in Kevin's house. That "crazy bunny" left eggs all over the place. The foil chocolate eggs my Mom used to hide for us. And I smiled as I hid them, remembering all the places my Mom would put them that would make us laugh. On top of the pictures, television, fireplace. On the heat panel, the microwave and in the water dispenser tray. A path of foil eggs from the back door to the kids to a new toy golf set and two heaping baskets.

Sitting back and watching them go banana's collecting the eggs... my heart swelled.

I made my pesto bowtie pasta and two kinds of bruscetta (hot and mild) with garlic oil baked french bread slices. We went to Church after a good breakfast and that was incredible. Kevin's mother gave me a precious gift, a beautiful charm bracelet from Pandora.   What touched me most is the thought she put into picking out the charms for me. I gave her and Danny a big hug... and tried not to look like a loser while choking back a couple tears.

Then we headed over to a family event at his Uncle Tim's and Aunt Liza's farm for a Texas style potluck outdoors and a bonfire. Another 800 eggs were placed all over the property by the families to watch the kids go nuts again :) They practically ran into each other, the 15 kids that were there. Too funny. But what was really nice was getting to spend time with Kevin's Aunt Janet, Kaye and Uncle Mike. Laura and Stephen.   I got to have a great talk with his cousin Marisa and his Niece Kirsten. Chad, Jennifer, Niki, Sheila ...and the kidlets Banner, Kaitlyn, Nate, Macy, Sloane...

Did I mention there were kids everywhere? :)

With big hugs and kisses we dropped them off Logan and Lucas at their Mom's house at the end of the day.   I'm building a relationship with their Mom Stephanie, and I have a feeling we'll be great friends. She loves Chihuahuas ... it's a good start!

My future husband had to deal with me trying to articulate between choking back tears, how much it meant to me to have such a positive day full of great conversation and loving people. No negativity. no fighting. No drama... just fun and good intentions, happy to spend the time together.   Like a big bandage for my heart.

This is what I always wanted. The active family life. Kids everywhere. Scooping nieces to take them to the nail salon for no reason. A husband that wants to tackle me the minute he gets home. A home I love. Critters running around. Family events. Good food. Abundance.

My second chance at everything I ever wanted and with more wisdom to appreciate it every moment I have it.    Because maybe the lesson in this is that I wasn't ready to appreciate it until now. And maybe it was God waited patiently for me instead.