A Little Story From My Childhood

We were only in the 6th grade. I had been friends with Angie since I moved to the area in the 1st grade. She was my first friend, as a matter of fact, which is why when I walked into the locker room to change for gym class and I heard my new friends–the “cool” crowd–picking on Angie, taunting her and insisting she still played with unicorns, I had to defend her. Despite the fact it was only 6th grade, it didn’t make cliques any less real; I should know since I was a member. But it was in that moment that I saw how I could use that position to do good.

I rounded the corner and interrupted their catty laughter: “You should talk, Veronica–wasn’t that a Barbie collection that I saw at your house last weekend?” Their laughter halted and it was apparent that no one knew how to respond. “Lay off of Angie,” I warned. “She’s cool.”

At that time, I was one of the “popular” girls–I had a middle school romance going with Vince, after all–so they backed down without much of a struggle. It prompted me to think, however, what happens to all who don’t have someone in their corner?

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

Whether it’s an innocent young adolescent girl, or a poverty-striken family, or a member of a minority, or perhaps an new immigrant, people everyday are getting picked on–both directly and indirectly–by those in a position of power. The motivations vary, but more often than not, those people likely don’t have someone backing them up–they’re left to defend themselves against a world that can be cruel, to say the least.

Worse, oftentimes those getting marginalized are being marginalized not because of something they’ve done, but because they fit a certain stereotype. The American-born latino who gets called a wetback and is looked upon as stupid, dirty, lazy, or amoral. The Jewish person who is automatically labeled as greedy nit-pickers. The Italian who is joked with about being violent, ignorant or otherwise associated with the mafia. The African American who is perceived as a trouble-maker, drug user or gang member.

Stereotypes teach us, via implication, how we’re suppose to perceive and treat others. The problem with that, however, is that stereotypes aren’t real; they’re merely an unfortunate, overgeneralized, oversimplified association. What better way to dehumanize someone than by reducing them to a handful of traits? By using stereotypes to guide our opinions about others, whether consciously or unconsciously, we are marginalizing not only them, but ourselves. We’re alienating ourselves, via misguided logic, from the people that make up this planet–and all of the incredible relationships, new experiences and learning opportunities–because we’ve allowed stereotypes to dominate our beliefs.

Stereotypes Are Everywhere–And They’re Royally ******* Things Up

Yet, stereotypes don’t just affect human relations. While the stereotyping of humans is likely the most prominent–and most detrimental–we tend to develop stereotypes across all aspects of living. One in particular that stuck with me just the other day, as we held our meet-up in Chicago, was something that writer Nina Yao brought up:

“Growing up, I loved art, but my parents warned me not to take it on as a career, unless I wanted to end up a starving artist. Instead, I went to school for business.”

The starving artist.

Oh, how hearing her talk about her long lost dreams being put aside, all in the name of a stereotype, added such a solemn note to my day; the common belief being that if you become an artist, you will be poor.

The implications here are so, so many, namely that those who pursue creativity as a career can be typecast as economically naive, foolish or irresponsible. Imagine all of us out there who have surrendered our passions to this belief, mistrusting our instincts, and instead gone out and gotten that safe day job? Society seems to separate art and business, hence perpetuating the starving artist stereotype, as well as perpetuating the number of lonely, overworked, uninspired, dispassioned souls out there, who are merely the victim of an attempt to be responsible.

For us, responsible erroneously does not mean being responsible to ourselves (and hence following the paths that secretly make us light up inside); rather, responsible means being responsible to the arbitrary economic and social standards that have been set forth to us by society. And this seems to be exactly where we all go wrong.

Stereotypes can be damaging on multiple fronts, but when it comes to that of selecting a career–and, consequently, selecting what your life will be on a daily basis–stereotypes can be the ultimate sabotage.

Many argue that stereotypes are stereotypes because of a set of statistics that back them up, and therefore are based in truth; however, what most people fail to realize is that stereotypes don’t conclude anything about a person, nor a career. You cannot possibly know the outcome of something until you engage with it–it’s as simple as that. You can try to predict through stereotypes–sure–but in doing so, you’re more likely to do more harm to yourself by marginalizing yourself from a world of opportunity that could have otherwise existed. But you’ll never know, because instead of finding out for yourself, you listened to everyone else.

No matter what, I beg of you–please, please, please don’t do that. Stop listening to what everyone else says, and what everyone else wants you to do. Trust in yourself. Trust in your instincts. Trust in your ability to make things work, even if they do go awry. You don’t need everyone else’s validation or permission to do what it is you want to do. When it comes down to it, all you need is your own.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

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Okay.

This is huge.

Bigger than an elephant on steroids.

Bigger than MC hammer pants.

And quite possibly, even bigger than that Inception movie that everyone’s talking about.  Yeah, that’s right.  I said it.

MAKE US YOUR BITCHES FOR THE DAY

Most of you know by now that I’m touring across the United States with Colin Wright & Andi Norris, stopping in 23 cities and hosting a number of meet-ups with readers.  Awesome.

Well, as it turns out, we’ve got a day of rest.  And we can’t stand it.

So we’ve decided to give back. We’ve talked with so many people during the first half of our trip who are super motivated to get started with their projects, but are lacking the funds to get off the ground–be it with the website, logo, branding, copy or simply the know-how on where to even start.

So, since we’ve got this free day, with a reliable internet connection (for once) since we’re at Colin’s parents’ house, we’re going to get a little nuts down here in their finished basement.  Quite possibly with wine.  Because apparently, Missouri has incredible wine that nobody knows about.  But shhhh.

It’s called Reader Appreciation Day, and we’re going to conduct a marathon…..starting….NOW.

For the next 24 hours only, we’re going to be working like fiends, designing logos, building sites, making all sorts of sexy flash animations (okay, so they’re doing that stuff), writing copy, developing press releases, or consulting with you on any number of topics–if you can dream it, we can help you with it.  Well, unless you want Andi to dress up like I Dream of Jeannie & come over to your house to give you a back rub.  Though, then again….I might be able to pull some strings….

AND WE’RE DOING IT FOR LESS THAN YOUR SPENT ON YOUR MOM FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

Because you’re rad.  And we can’t sit still.  So let’s do this. Here’s your chance to stop procrastinating your project, and start making things happen for yourself.  Ándale!

Below is a list of services and their super low prices.  Just fill out THIS FORM and we’ll get started working feverishly.  FURIOUSLY.  MADLY.  BREATHLESSLY.

And in the end, you will have something sexy.  For mad cheap.  And you will love us.  And forevermore you will remember to send us wine.  Whenever you want us to do cool shit.  Just like this.

Send us your needs, and we’ll rock your world!  CLICK HERE…OR DIE. That was dark, wasn’t it?

P.S.  THIS ENDS AT 12PM ON WEDNESDAY, JULY 21ST, 2010, at which point we’ll be taking off for St. Louis.  Make it happen!

LIST OF ZEE SERVICES.  MOST THINGS $100-$200, WITH EXCEPTION OF SITE BUILDING, WHICH MIGHT BE A SMIDGE MORE BUT WON’T BREAK YOUR BANK.  OR YOUR LEG.  ORRRR YOUR HEART.  WHICH IS PROBABLY A GOOD THING.

DESIGN
Logos, one-sheets, business cards, stationery, banners, ads, posters

DEVELOPMENT
Websites, blogs, Flash banners, forms, technical support, installations, content analysis

PRODUCTION
Editing, color correction, animation, slideshows, formatting, uploading, technical support

MARKETING/PR
Press releases, content analysis, copywriting

WRITING
Posts, pages, sales copy, greeting cards, haikus

CONSULTING
Entrepreneurship, branding, business, design, blogging, writing, relationships, lifestyle design, marketing, PR, social media, travel, publishing, brainstorming, strategizing

OTHER
Chit-chatting, karaokeing, playing online video games, watching us dance, interviews, tell us jokes and we’ll laugh at the right times

ZEE END.  MAY YOU HAVE A VERY PLEASANT DAY. AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO PURCHASE YOURSELF SOME JALAPEÑO POPPERS.  BECAUSE THEY.  ARE.  AMAZING.

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A Sexy Story With a Lesson

We sit in near silence, the only interruptions being an occasional mojito-induced outburst of nervous laughter, the sound of my silver chandelier earrings gently clinkering together, and the relentless tropical rains that steadily pelt the top of the canvas roof of the 4×4 automobile we are in.

It’s shamelessly cliche, where we are and what we’re doing there, parked at the edge of a cliff overlooking the warm Pacific waters at 2 o’clock in the morning, but the way his deep-set, dark brown eyes pierce my own, I suddenly understand women everywhere who have ever dared perpetuate such a cliche; it is these exact moments, right here and right now, that fill us with unexpected fervor, invigorating every hidden fantasy that we’ve secretly harbored, longing for a moment just like this one. For the first time in a long time, I feel alive. In more respects than one.

He slides his hand over the top of my exposed thigh, delicately running his thumb back and forth over my skin, and with the other reaches over to me, gently cupping my face and pulls me into him. It’s one of those moments when you both know the kiss is about to happen, so you frantically try to lick your lips right before it happens without the other person noticing. Fortunately for the sake of my love story, he doesn’t notice. As a matter of fact, after that point, I wouldn’t say we noticed much of anything.

The way he kissed me that night, with a fiery intensity that would linger on my lips for days years to come, was the beginning of the end. It was in that moment that I first felt a strong connection with another human being that was different from me; it was in that moment that I first discovered the universality of human emotions. People from foreign countries had always seemed, well…foreign, but the opposite, as I was to discover, held more truth. When it comes to things like love, I learned, no one is foreign. As it turns out, everyone is exactly the same.

People Are Travel

Over the following few months that I would live in Costa Rica, I was stunned to have this same lesson sneak up on me time and time again. We weren’t just the same when it came to matters of the heart, but with all of the elements that make us human. From our deepest fears, to our desire to fit in; from our need to bond with one another to our need for time alone. In many ways, we were essentially all the same, simply having been molded in sightly different ways by our respective backdrops.

And it’s precisely this realization that brings all of the value to travel; without the people, travel would be nothing more than a fruitless change of scenery. A slideshow, if you will, that does nothing to engage you, but is something you simply witness from your corner of the room.

Furthermore, while many people assume that the majority of the benefits of travel lie in experiencing the differences, on the same token, it seems to me that the greatest benefit of travel actually lies–surprisingly so–not in the differences, but in the similarities.

Sure, in many respects, the differences are opportune. It’s the differences that allow us to best step out of our own lives and into that of another, enabling us to more objectively reflect on our own realities and, with that reflection, be enabled to better understand ourselves and who we want to be. It’s the differences that allow us to either appreciate aspects of our lives we never gave much thought to prior, or on the flip side, reject other aspects that we never much cared for in the first place. It’s the differences that give a destination its character, enriching our world and, in the process, enriching us.

But as I’ve discovered, it’s through the examination of the differences that we accidentally unearth the similarities. And its the similarities that teach us the big lessons, when we’re able to witness that quiet interconnectedness and, by extension, witness ourselves in others. Seeing ourselves in others allows us to see the possibilities in our own lives; to see that there are others who are just as content with their lives, if not more so, than we are, yet they’re going about it in a whole new way. Seeing ourselves in others opens us up to new opportunities. Seeing ourselves in others expands our method of thought. It shows us that there are other ways of doing things, and that we aren’t limited to just one. Seeing ourselves in others gives us permission to be who we want to be; not merely the person we’ve been told we should be.

That night out on that cliff, despite the seeming frivolity of the situation, I saw a glimpse of the person I aspired to be. One who acts with intention, and lets passion dictate the course, rather than stifling logic. One who recognizes the importance of feeling alive, instead of just being alive. One who understands that play can be more important than work, and and one acknowledges that people are more important than things. This is who I want to be. This is who I have decided to be. This is who I am. This is what matters.

Wish You, Too, Had a Cliffside Latino(a) Lover & A Whole New Perspective on Life?

I gained immeasurable wisdom from that first trip to Costa Rica, as with every subsequent trip I’ve taken and time I’ve lived there. Most notably, I’ve learned how to be the person I am, in a world that promotes being the person society wants you to be. I’ve learned to take big leaps, and how to land gracefully no matter where I land. I’ve learned that risk is never as risky as it seems, and that only good can come from playing with it. I’ve learned that important careers aren’t important unless you’re happy doing them, and sometimes, the best career choice is the one we were most afraid of. And I’ve learned that living is as you define it.

Over the past year, I’ve seen many readers struggle with the same types of life questions, leading them to wonder “what if?” a whole lot. I’ve seen many become proactive and take chances, but I’ve also seen others want to be proactive, but just not know how.

Most of all, I’ve seen people who want to change, but are still paralyzed by fear.

So I decided to do something about it.

I’m proud to announce to you Liberation Seven–a seven day retreat on the beaches of Costa Rica, designed exclusively for those who are serious about living life on their own terms. It will be held from October 7th to October 14th, and will include group discussion sessions out on a yacht, ziplining through the rainforest, during fresh seafood dinners and on the white sands of a national park, as well a host of other activities–all optional, of course.

But regardless of how many incredible things we do, the real value will lie in the experience of a new culture, looking at life through a new lens as a way reflect and promote positive change in our own lives. I want to facilitate that experience for you, and have the opportunity to engage with all of you on a new level and really dig into ways that we can start taking the leaps we need to take, and start living the lives we want to be living.

***The best part?  If you sign up before Monday, August 2nd, get $300 off the cost of the retreat!***

Want to Learn More?

If you’re interested in learning more, jot down your email address below and I’ll shoot you some messages with the latest information. Alternatively, if you’re all sorts of pumped and ready to indulge in endless mojitos, rum drinks and ice-cold Costa Rican beer with a group of like-minded folks with the same goals, you can go right ahead and sign up here with a deposit. Otherwise, if you have any questions, feel free to email me at ihavetheguts [at] the middlefingerproject [dot] org.

Hope to see you in Costa Rica!  You only live once, right?

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Why Not Take The Leap?

I’ve been meeting a lot of truly smart, savvy, remarkable people lately. So many are saying to hell with the safety net, and are leaping toward their passions, and haven’t looked back since.

On the same token, however, so many of those smart, savvy, remarkable people are not.

Frankly, this makes me want to burst into tears and heave a cartful of lemon tarts at someone.

I’m dangerous like that.

Being a naturally curious person, I’m prone to asking why a lot.  Why aren’t you leaping toward your passion? If you’re not happy where you are, then why not change it? What’s preventing you from living the life you wish you were?

I have this annoyingly obsessive need to know the answers to these things. We’re capable of doing so much, yet don’t take advantage of the opportunities that are available to us. By “doing so much,” that isn’t to imply that more is better, because it’s too often the case that we’re already doing so many things that we’ve created a self-imposed prison of sorts; we’re prisoners to our own lives, and we can’t get off the treadmill.

It isn’t a matter of quantity; it’s a matter of quality. It isn’t about doing more; it’s about reflecting on what it is we’re already doing, and assessing whether or not what we’re doing make sense in line with who we want to be.

You are the sum of the collection of things you do.

On the surface, that may sound superficial–I am not defined just what I do, but what I think and what ideas I have!

Sure thing, cowboy–ideas are great, but an idea will only take you so far without action.

If you aren’t willing to take your ideas and thoughts and turn them into something tangible, then in a tragic sort of way they become nearly useless. Sure, there’s some value in critical thinking by itself, but there needs to be a product of that critical thought in order for it to truly become meaningful.

Ideas are magical. They have the power to transform your entire life, if only you’ll pay attention to them and then do something with them. The only time something is “just a dream” is when you allow it to be. In this sense, we’re not just prisoners to our own lives, but we’re volunteering to be.

Top 5 Excuses (You Make) That Zap Your Dreams

Throughout the conversations I’ve been having with folks, I’ve noticed a common theme emerging. It seems as if the following 5 excuses are most popular on why people aren’t doing what they wish they could do:

1. I don’t think I’m good enough.

Someone call the self-esteem police; this one is just not going to cut it. Ever. First of all, “good” is a relative term. As long as you know more about a topic than someone else, then you will be filling a need.

Second, if you really aren’t very good at something you’d like to do, you’ll never become any better at it if you don’t start somewhere. Don’t let lack of experience prevent you from doing awesome shit; start small and build from there.

2. I don’t have the time.

Doing awesome shit is a priorities game. You’re absolutely right–there are only 24 hours in a day, and sometimes we’re limited not only by hours, but by how much creative, emotional and physical energy we have at any given time. Sometimes you’re just not in the zone; hell, I’ve been having a hard time myself getting in the zone as we work from the car. As I type this, I’m writing with my mac on my lap in the passenger seat, en route from Wilmington, North Carolina to Orlando, Florida.

I get that.

But here’s the thing: Nothing’s going to change if you don’t start making time. We aren’t super heros; you can’t do everything at once. We need to carefully pick and choose our battles.

What are you fighting for?  In other words, what do you dedicate most of your time and energy to?  Is it helping you achieve your goals, or is it standing in your way?

3. I don’t have the money.

Money simply isn’t as important as we make it out to be. Most people assume that in order to start a business, for example, they’ll need to come up with so much capital and then find an office and then hire employees, etc. etc. etc. We start imagining all of the details, and we become overwhelmed by them. Frustrated. Intimidated. Scared. And we chicken out. We make excuses. We tell ourselves that it isn’t the best time to be starting a business right now, anyway, and that maybe our job isn’t so bad–at least there’s free coffee, right?

It’s a fine example of voluntary self-imprisionment at it’s finest.

The truth is that it doesn’t have to be that complicated. It doesn’t have to be that big. We can start moving toward our goals inch by inch, and readjust as necessary. We don’t have to start out having all of the bells and whistles; maybe we just get started doing some probono work to build our reputation, in order to find some paying clients who will help fund our growth.

Everyone started somewhere. Having a lot of money isn’t necessary to do awesome shit; having the courage to take positive forward steps is. Imagine the goal, and then figure out a way to make it happen. Don’t let a lack of funds deter you from exploring ideas that could change your life for the better.

4. I don’t know how.

This might be the least valid excuse of all, and we need to pick it up and chuck it out the window, right into the dumpster.

If it turns out that you don’t know much about a given topic, then dammit, GO FIND OUT. In the age of information, if you’re willing to dedicate a little time, then you can become nearly expert at almost anything. Don’t be lazy–this is your life we’re talking about here.

5. I don’t have a degree in X.

In the past, this argument might have been more acceptable; nowadays, however, it’s been rendered obsolete, thanks to the internet. Degrees are nothing more than red tape; in reality, anyone can go learn the same amount of knowledge themselves through books, podcasts, forums, blogs, web searches, etc.

Let’s say tomorrow I decide I want to become a web designer. I don’t need to go to a fancy design school and take out a ton of loans to do so; I simply need to get resourceful and start consuming information, start practicing, and start seeking feedback from those with more experience–not hard to do. Hop on Twitter and leverage the incredible power of networking.

Then I brand myself as an expert in X, and start taking on clients. Boom. I’m a web designer. Just like everything, there’s a learning curve, but it’s absolutely one worth riding on two wheels until you get your bearings. Obviously this might not work for all fields, but there’s a lot you can do on your own.  It’s about having the confidence to get started.

Whatever you do, do not let yourself become one of those “if only I had….” people.  You will never forgive yourself.

Be bold. Take chances. Revel in the unknown. And remember that there’s no proof that says that life was meant to be serious. Get out there and play with it. Engage with the world. See what’s out there.

And always, always, always have faith in yourself.

At the end of the day, it’s all we’ve got.

P.S.

If you need some help getting started, this might be something you’re interested in.

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Me & Andi, in Portland, Maine--our first stop for the Status Quo Smackdown Roadtrip 2010

I’ve got little patience for excuses.

I proactively call myself out whenever I catch myself making excuses in order to either procrastinate or invent reasons why I shouldn’t put myself out there.

Why?

Because sometimes, putting yourself out there is nail-bitingly, blood-curdingly, will-drive-you-to-drink, flat-out terrifying at times. It’s far easier to continue doing what we’ve always done, or to take the easier route, than it is to risk our pride, financial stability and comfort in knowning what to expect on a day to day basis. Risk invites the prospect of humiliation, self-doubt, uncertainty, instability, and often far more work than we imagined.

But on the flip side, risk also invites some highly attractive prospects: self-fulfillment, self-confidence, personal growth, professional growth, exhilaration, excitement, and much hotter sex, of course. You don’t think the kama sutra was created by play-it-safers, did you?

Essentially the primary difference between risk takers and non risk takers is a matter of control; risk-takers are okay with not having it at all times, while non-risk takers tend to need it more.

Risk means uncertainty. Uncertainty means loss of control. But the big question here is: What does loss of control mean?

If we assume that oftentimes, risk is avoided in order to avoid loss of control, then it’s important to analyze why loss of control is so greatly feared.

Must we have control at all times? What are the consequences if we don’t?

Naturally, for each person the answer to the latter will vary, but examining that answer is the only way we can move toward taking more risks. Truly ask yourself: What’s the worst that could possibly happen? Oftentime, the worst that could happen isn’t nearly as bad as we build it up in our minds to be, and by looking at it through a more rational lens, we can reduce our fears, stop making excuses and start taking action.

Risky Roadtrips

As many of you know, I recently embarked on a cross-country roadtrip with fellow bloggers Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle and Andi Norris of Instigationology.

To start, there are a million other things I could be doing this summer that would be safer alternatives, guaranteed to provide me with a more steady income and the assurance that I’ll be able to pay my bills on time.

And to many people, safe is appealing. At times, safe is appealing to me, too. Safe is warm. Safe is welcoming. Safe is familiar. Safe is reassuring.

And while those things are pleasant–sometimes imperative–the opposite of safe can be just as appealing, and even more so. It’s called vulnerability.

Being vulnerable allows us to greet new experiences with the tender innocence and openness necessary to grow. To allow ourselves to be taught. To grant ourselves the right to not know, and to be okay with it. To recognize when discomfort is in our best interest.

And for me, this roadtrip is doing just that: It’s making me vulnerable in a number of ways, and I’m allowing it to, because I believe that the benefit of taking the risk will far outweigh the benefit of feeling secure.

As always, it comes down to priorities.

And right now, mine favor the value of experience over security.

If you’re interested in learning more about our trip and finding out where you can meet up with us, visit www.waybelowstatusquo.com for our itinerary. So far, we’ve completed our Portland, Maine stop and will be leaving Philadelphia tomorrow to head to D.C. The purpose of the trip was to meet readers, have the opportunity to put faces to names, and serve as a conduit to bring like-minded folks together. So far, we’ve been thrilled with the turn-out, and hope to see you in your closest city!  Visit the live blog for the most up-to-date information on what we’ve been up to, and where we’ll be, or follow me on Twitter: @TMFproject.

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I can vividly recall the first time I wrote a resume.

I typed away on our clunky, oversized HP desktop, silently muttering words that shouldn’t appear in any resume each time autoformat would sneakily attempt to take over my painstakingly-created bulleted list of achievements.

To this day, autoformat and I remain sworn enemies–and with reason, might I add, since I always felt that autoformat was more or less the electronic version of those pushy people who insist on offering unwelcome, unsolicited advice.  I never cared much for those jerks, either.

I sat there staring at the blinking cursor, trying to summon my mightiest qualities and craft them into professional-speak jargon that would be meaningful to potential employers:

• Have tons of shit to say & secretly think I’m smarter than you because
  that’s what every 20 year old thinks —–> skilled & knowledgeable

• Will work my ass off if you just give me this one chance, because I have no idea
  how I’ll pay off my credit cards if you don’t —–> committed & dedicated to the profession

• Promise not to steal your money, your job, your husband or those stupid little
  chalk-like pastel-colored mint candies everyone puts in a bowl on their desk —–> trustworthy

• Will hear what you’re saying to me while simultaneously texting my friend
  about happy hour, updating my Facebook status, checking my work voicemail
  and sipping on my Dunkin Donuts coffee —-> talented multi tasker

• Guaranteed to complete a task in half the time because I’ll likely go against
  company protocol and work smarter, not harder, without you knowing —-> takes direction well

• Will refrain from using phrases like “yo,” “I’m down,” “ain’t no thang,” & “whazzzup!” —–> excellent communication skills

• Will happily accept drinks from the cute guy in the cube across from mine
  & will not be mean to the girl who made me feel like an idiot for not knowing how
  to use the copier —–> works well in a team environment

And voila–just like that, I had myself a professional resume, full of BS buzzwords that have become the standard.  Do a Google search for resumes, and see how many of these you see come up over and over and over again.  It’s almost comical, because it’s no secret that not every candidate holds all of those qualities, nor does every job require all of those qualities, but such buzzwords have become as expected as the resume format itself.

Interestingly enough, many of these buzzword qualities point to the ability to essentially be a cog in a wheel.  Takes direction well. Works well in team environment. Multi-tasker. Committed. Essentially this means you’re efficient, you’ll do as you’re told, you won’t cause too many problems, and you’ll do it for a really long time.

And in the past, this was precisely the type of worker that was needed:  One who kept his head down, took orders from above and performed the necessary functions in order to keep the company running smoothly.

So over time, this is the type of worker that has become valued–whether or not, in present-day, it makes sense to value these qualities.

No Matter How Impressive Your Resume, There’s One Thing That We’re Missing

Yet, the one quality that has become so incredibly necessary, as we move into a technological age, is the one that is most overlooked by traditional companies.

Creativity.

Sure, many times it’s like a bonus quality we might add onto our resume–creative thinker–and hope it scores us extra points, but it’s never the skill that’s highlighted, nor praised. (With the exception of creative fields, of course, but that’s an exception.)

The reason for this is that creativity, by and large, isn’t always tangible and, furthermore, it’s a skill that’s highly subjective in nature.  Therefore, it’s hard to measure.  And if it’s hard to measure, it’s hard to see.  And if it’s hard to see, then there isn’t too much value attached to it.

Yet, as we keep moving forward, we’re bound to start seeing creativity take the lead as one of the most important skill sets out there.

Why?

Because creativity fuels ideas.   And in an internet-age, ideas are what’s fueling the world.

Your Boss Isn’t As Powerful As He Seems–Anymore, That Is

In the past, there was a much greater distance between those with power and those without.

Those with power were the guys at the top, and those without power were the guys working for the guys at the top.  In order to have any upward mobility, the guys without power would have to get permission from the guys with power.  Power, in this sense, was a commodity that was given in tiny fractional increments, in order to keep the guys without power feeling like they were getting somewhere, essentially keeping them happy and PRODUCTIVE.

In the past, ideas were not for the guys without power to worry about.  The guys with power were the ones that came up with ideas.  Once an idea was born, the guys without power implemented the ideas.  They did what they were told.  The end.

However, with the advancement of technology, this is all starting to change. And it’s changing drastically.

Technology has afforded us many luxuries, but perhaps one of the greatest is a more equal distribution of power–without having to get anyone’s permission.

Now, with the use of the internet, we can create our own power.  We can be our own boss.  We can BE THE GUY AT THE TOP.  We can LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.

We Can, But Will We?

But there’s one very important condition involved in creating our own power:  We have to be creative. The very thing that was de-emphasized in the past, is the now the very thing that will be running the future.

In order to take advantage of the opportunities that the internet allows, creativity is necessary to spark ideas.  Essentially, the internet has given us a platform to be our own boss, and create a business out of whatever it is that our hearts desire–as long as we’re creative enough to imagine how we can find the intersection between our passions and what it is that others need. It’s a basic matter of supply and demand, tweaked to reflect modern day capabilities.

We no longer have to wait for anyone to give us a promotion in order to start doing the things that we want; the only person we have to get permission from is ourselves–often the hardest part.  It’s not a matter of whether we can or not; it’s a matter of whether or not we have the guts.

That’s where the rubber meets the road.

Do you have the guts?

Every time I feel myself falter with a wave of self-doubt, I get angry about it, and then I force myself to do what it is I’m hesitating to do.  Do I want to let something as ridiculous as a little self-doubt ruin what could be something incredible?

In 50 years, I want to look back and say that I had the guts.

The Domino Effect of Ideas

Creativity is the most important skill to be harnessing, because creativity breeds ideas.  And ideas–whether they seem frivolous, distant or impossible to you now–are the currency of the future. Ideas propel us forward.  But best of all, an idea won’t simply lead you to one place–ideas have a domino effect, in that one idea will lead you to an abundance of doors that would not have been open to you prior.  Acting on ideas automatically produces exponential growth.

For example, this website. I started The Middle Finger Project in November of last year, with the intention of simply communicating my thoughts to the world.  It was a simple idea, and one that I had conviction in, but not a huge set of expectations.  Nine months later, I’m creating an entire career out of it–something I never anticipating happening.

Another example is the coast-to-coast tour I’m about to embark on on the 4th of July.  The idea started as a joke in a comments section between Colin Wright, Andi Norris & I. It was a wild idea, but now, a few months later, we’ve got sponsors and we’re headed across the USA to bring our message to a broader audience.

Imagine what opportunities might come as a result?   Opportunities that would have never revealed themselves to us, had we decided to stay behind a computer screen.

Ideas are the most powerful thing in the world. If we can learn to trust in our ideas, and trust in ourselves, the world is truly up for our taking.

50 years from now, don’t you want to look back and say you had the guts?

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)
• Life Isn’t As Serious As We Make It Out To Be (45)

I’ll admit it–I’m a tad embarrassed.

I can’t decide if I’m embarrassed in light of the nonchalant display of nudity that is currently lounging alongside of me–quite proudly, and with reason, if I do say so myself–on this clothing optional beach, or if I’m embarrassed for another reason–perhaps at my own relative prudishness, something that seems to stand in stark contrast with my normally quite liberal, open-minded ideals.

Either way, it’s causing me a bit of uninvited self-doubt.

My inability to look at the naked man alongside of me without feeling the heat instantly rush to my face serves as the unexpected reminder that, just maybe, there’s a part of me that’s still subconsciously tethered to the rigid, puritanical ideals that have shaped the belief system of our nation–one of the belief systems that I’ve been so meticulously attempting to unpack, examine and, in most cases, reject in favor of a less inhibited way of life.

But here it is now, staring me in the face, daring me to put my money where my mouth is.

Yet here I sit, in my white two piece and floppy straw hat, strewn comfortably across a lounge chair in the shade, as those that surround me unabashedly prance about in a friendly game of nude volleyball.

On this court, sports bras are obsolete, and–by gosh–shorts?  Don’t be silly!  Stuffy and antiquated, I tell you!

I have never felt so overdressed in a bikini.  A string bikini, at that.

And so I wonder:  What is it that prevents me from untying my top and revealing–ahem–nature’s work?

Where’s This Nude Beach, Anyway?

I should mention, of course, that I’m in Negril, Jamaica.  As I write this, there are yellow-colored, cartoonish-looking crabs gliding sideways across the sand in front of me, as the transparent Caribbean water teases them with the possibility of whisking them away at a moment’s notice.  The water is approximately 82 degrees fahrenheit, the sun is beaming across it, and there’s a gentle breeze tickling my face and, of course, there’s the well-endowed man to my right who’s tickling my reality.

The infamous bruised leg. Only me, I swear.

Since arriving two days ago, I’ve gone sailing with a decidedly charming Jamaican; attempted water skiing, managing to severely bruise the entirety of my left inner thigh; finished Liz Gilbert’s Committed while floating aimlessly on a raft in the bay; had to forcefully reject a Jamaican teenager’s advances–the DJ of a nightclub–who insisted he loved me within, say, 3 minutes and 26 seconds of meeting me; and bore witness to what was quite possibly the most captivating dance performance I have ever seen–an African dance, performed by a group of incredibly well-built, cut and extremely fit Jamaicans. Let’s just say I couldn’t keep my jaw closed, with the types of moves these guys were pulling off.

And, of course, as it’s the theme of this post, let’s not forget the nude beach, mon.  As a matter of fact, as I write this exact sentence, there’s a couple in the buff passing right in front of me, sprinkled with an assortment of tattoos.  (Sorry, no flash photography allowed!)

It Always Comes Back To…

This brings me back to the topic at hand: The limits of my very own unconventional thought patterns being tested by such a simple, almost superficial exercise that I can’t seem to pass.

And what it comes down to is the same thing that it always comes down to:  Deeply ingrained cultural beliefs that shape our entire perception of the world.  Culture is so incredibly powerful in that we aren’t as independent in our thoughts as we like to believe; rather, our thoughts are filtered through our given cultural lens, and modified as such.  It’s unavoidable–everything you do, read, see or hear shapes your brain, and as such, if everything you do, read, see or hear occurs within a fixed cultural context, then it follows that you brain is, in essence, largely a product of your culture.

To give a basic example, check out this picture.



Look at the guy in the foreground.  How does he appear to feel?  Happy?  Sad?  Mad?

Most of you reading might say that he looks mad.   I would agree.

And that would perfectly align with the findings of the study, which were that Westerners, whose thought is heavily influenced by individualist culture, tend to isolate the man in the foreground, assess his facial characteristics, and then assign an emotion.

However, interestingly enough, when the same study was replicated with non-Westerners, or members of collectivist cultures that emphasize the importance of social relationships over the individual, non-Westerners routinely looked at the people in the background to get clues about the man in the foreground’s emotion, proclaiming him happy. (They know this by performing a series of eye scans on the subjects as they analyzed the image.)

How Puritan Culture Influences Our Modern Day Thought

So, back to the Puritans. As we all know, they formed the backbone of our culture, and as such, the backbone of many of our perceptions.

Since their influence seems to have had a fairly large impact on us personally, then it seems logical to mention their beliefs, as a sort of indirect internal investigation of sorts.

In brief, to reduce the corruption of the hierarchy that they experienced with the Church of England, they wanted to “purify” things and follow the scriptures to a T.  They had a very strong belief in the supernatural.  Their lives were bound by and run by religion.

To a point, anyway.

Eventually, even the Puritans own strict religious demands became too much for them to sustain.  The experience of American living had taken the edge off of the zeal of the second generation, and efforts became more focused on the building of a society. Yet, the demands of standardized thinking in line with rigid Puritan intolerance wasn’t all that compatible for a growing society, and so began the initial decline of original Puritan ideals.  Business became more important, and soon we see the rise of–ta da!–the ever-famous Protestant work ethic that we hear often referred to today.

Through the Protestant work ethic, the Puritans were able to experience economic success–one of their largest lasting contributions that is easily identifiable in modern day America, with the heavy emphasis on the value of economic prosperity and social status. In addition, it could be argued that America’s relentless aura of superiority had its roots in the Puritan movement as well.

On a more positive note, the Puritans also believed in self-determination, and that each person has the ability to do good. Albeit not the only source, this is reflected in the individualist culture we have today.

And while religion may have taken a backseat to business that isn’t to say that the influence of Puritan religious beliefs aren’t present today. Many of the high moralistic demands and standardized values that we have today echo those of the 1600’s.

These guys meant business; for example, education for the masses was not to educate, per say, but rather so the people could read the bible for themselves. In terms of their views, sexual morality ranked at the top, recreation received disapproval, and Saturday night celebrations were outlawed. Damn.  So much for spin the bottle.

It makes sense, as these Puritans weren’t just Puritans; they were the radical Puritans who had risked everything in the name of their beliefs, and came to America–likely another reason for our independent spirits. (Though, I do find it a bit of a paradox that they were the original rebels, yet upon having arrived, outlawed all forms of rebellion.)

In Hellfire Nation, James Monroe suggests that the Puritanical desire to create a just society–and its moral fervor in bringing about that just society–which sometimes created paranoia and intolerance for other views, are at the root of America’s political landscape. Interesting.

The Naked Truth.  Ha.

And so here I sit, still bikini clad, and now with a sense of guilt for being bikini clad.  Somehow, I feel as if I’m the one getting the odd stares.  I am tempted to make a sign out of a piece of cardboard and prop it up next to myself that reads: Blame it on the Puritans. However, as much as I’d love someone to blame for my reservations, the truth is that my perceptions aside, I’m still in charge of my actions.

And I think that’s the important lesson here, when we bring it back to the greater theme of unconventional thinking.

Many of us allow our perceptions dictate our paths in life.  In this case, the perception is that nudity is something to be embarrassed about, and so my actions reflect that perception.  However, on a larger scale the most obvious example of this is our perception that success means lots of money; so without further contemplation, our actions reflect that perception and we seek lots of money.  Or our perception of what constitutes a respectable job; based on such perceptions, we form our lives accordingly.

But, just because we perceive something to be, doesn’t always mean that it is, or that something we don’t perceive, isn’t. As such, sometimes it’s better to question those perceptions and, at times, operate outside of them. Our perceptions should not define our lives; our actions should.  And in taking a bold step of action, our perceptions are continuously molded in accordance with our experience, and hence, more accurate.

And isn’t that where they should be coming from?  Not simply inherited from a set of past ideals, but actively created as we live, move, and navigate the world that surrounds us?

So while culture does play a large role in giving us our initial perceptions about things, that doesn’t necessarily mean that we must bow to them. This is where the rubber meets the road; there are those who will continue to do things the way they always have, limited by their own beliefs, and there are those who, instead, will embrace difference, allowing their beliefs to be continually reworked and remolded, essentially providing them with a very powerful freedom that few experience.

That is the freedom called living.

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Sometimes, you just know.

Just like I knew, the very first time I heard the most beautiful Spanish being spoken by a blonde-haired, USA born girl who had studied abroad in Mexico, that I, too, would someday have foreign adventures fueled by a lustful curiosity, a carefree spirit, and heaps of naivety that would eventually turn into some of the most powerful wisdom I’ve acquired.

It wasn’t something I ever questioned; it was simply something that I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I was going to do.

At that point, I didn’t have the money to do it. I didn’t have a passport. I had never been on a plane. And at age 19, there still remained many, many life lessons that I had yet to learn, such as knowing when someone was trying to take advantage of me, or, more importantly, when to pass on the tequila.

But logistics didn’t matter, and my lack of knowledge only further proved how desperately I needed the experience.

That’s called conviction.

Passion Isn’t Enough

We’ve heard it over and over that we need to have passion in order to start living with intention; that meaningful lives can be created through following one’s passion.

Yet, while true to some extent, it’s also a myth, because passion alone is simply not enough.

Rather, there needs to be a delicate balance of passion, but conviction as well. Being passionate about something is great, but it’s rendered meaningless unless we have the courage–the conviction–to actually do something with it.

When Passion + Conviction Combine . . .

Sarah Vandiver, founder of Sis Hope, a sparkling gem of an organization that serves to empower women in developing countries, is a fine example of the beauty that can come at the intersection of passion and conviction. She is someone who just knew.  (P.S.  That’s not an affiliate link.  Sarah is just bad to the bone and needed to be talked up.  Someone should probably send her mounds of presents for being so damn driven.)

Sarah wrote a humbling email to me last week, thanking me for my work here at TMF, and telling me a bit of her background. Like so many of us, a few years ago she had her life all planned out. She was headed straight to law school on a scholarship, and had the world at her fingertips. Or, so it seemed on the outside.

But on the inside, something else was happening. There was an inner turmoil, as she described it, and without being able to explain to family members and friends exactly why, something about law school just didn’t feel right.

So what did she do?

She threw caution (and those heavy law books) to the wind, ditched her plan, and instead, decided to do something she had only dreamed about since she was a little girl, growing up in a small, rural town.

Sarah went to Africa. Uganda, to be specific.

In her words:

“One week before classes began I knew something more was out there. I had never really stopped to analyze why exactly I was going to law school, I was just going through the motions. I started asking myself questions like, ‘Why exactly do I want to go to law school? If I could do anything with my life, what would it be? What motivates and inspires me? If I die tomorrow, what will I regret that I ‘didn’t get to do’?‘

My answers to these questions made me realize that I did not belong in law school. So I ran. I ran to find to follow my heart, I ran to find myself, and I ran to escape ‘the shoulds’.  Long story short, I ended up in Uganda and the rest is history. It was a life changing trip.”

While in Uganda, Sarah felt a deep connection with the women there, as if they were family, despite their differences. She was in awe of their strength and resilience, but also shocked at some of the unnecessary hardships these women faced on a daily basis, such as not having the proper tools to manage a menstrual cycle.  To improvise, they’d use tree bark. (I’ll say it one more time for emphasis:  Tree bark. As in, the substance once used to make canoes.  Probably not the most absorbent material, if I had to guess.  Indeed, the things we taken for granted.)  Yet, beyond being incredibly uncomfortable, the bigger problem that Sarah identified was the impact such a small detail had on young girls’ educations.

More often than not, young women would miss significant amounts of school each month, simply because they didn’t have the resources to prevent embarrassing leaks and stains and all of the other complications that come with being a woman on her period.

And just like that, her future revealed itself to her. She knew she had to do something to help. Enter: Sis Hope.

In her words:

“I started a social business, Sis Hope, that sells Fair Trade purses, totes, and eco friendly bags. For every bag purchased, we give a menstrual kit to a girl in need in Uganda. One to One. My dream is to keep girls in school everyday, even during their period.

While Sis Hope is new, I’m working everyday to grow and develop it. I have big dreams, and while I’m following the unconventional path compared to everyone I know, I’ve really never been happier.”

Voilà. Passion + Conviction to do something with it.

I was incredibly inspired by Sarah’s story, and thought you might be, too. Click here to check out Sis Hope–the bags are very, very cool.

Don’t Be a Sissy (Yes, That WAS the Most Appropriate Heading)

I cannot stress the incredible power of creating a life out of your interests, and the things that truly awaken you inside. While it may not always be easy, it isn’t impossible. Do not let logistics set up a roadblock; decide what it is that you’re aching to do–whether it’s travel, make art for a living, start a non-profit benefiting Ugandan women, or whatever it may be, and make a commitment to yourself to pursue it. Then, slowly but surely, begin to figure out how to make it happen. You won’t regret it–just ask Sarah.

By the way . . .

On a related note, Chris Guillebeau’s Empire Building Kit was launched again today, and is now available for purchase again.

If you already know what lights you up inside, but don’t know how to proceed, don’t let that prevent you from taking action; start figuring out how to start making money from your passion (the hardest part), which is what the Empire Building Kit is for. I encourage you to go check it out here.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• Life Isn’t As Serious As We Make It Out To Be (45)

This Isn’t Actually a Love Story

In a strange sort of way, love has been one of my greatest teachers of life.

It has taught me patience.

It has taught me compromise.

It has taught me dedication.

It has taught me intimacy.

Not to mention the importance of a snappy comeback.

But perhaps most of all, love has taught me something that no other teacher could quite as eloquently:

Love has taught me impermanence.

We go through life entering and exiting relationships, both romantic and platonic. Our ability to do this relatively frequently has never ceased to amaze me–to have been, at one point, so painstakingly close to someone, only to turn around and hardly know that person at all. I’ve always found that to be a strange (read: agonizing) phenomenon that I attempt to avoid at all costs–ask any of my poor, tortured exes, upon whom I notoriously force post-relationship friendship that usually involves heavy Facebook stalking and the occasional sarcasm-laden, inside-joke-filled phone call to inquire about the other’s well-being.

Yet, as to be expected, there are simply some who cannot go down that path. No matter how hard I try to hold on, for the sake of honoring a bond that was once shared; for the sake of valuing authentic human connection, sometimes it isn’t enough. For them, once the romantic element has been removed, all that remains is a hollow abyss, laced with shadows of something that once was–not something that is.

And perhaps they’re all the wiser for it. Perhaps I’m the idealistic fool for ever having imagined that where love once was, it will always remain.

Because it doesn’t.

As much as we don’t like to imagine it this way, what with our promises of forever and our hopeful vows of devotion, sometimes, the truth is that love–whether we like it or not–is impermanent.

Just like most things in life are impermanent. And that’s truthfully the point of this post.

The Value of Impermanence

Contrary to how it seems, the truth is that impermanence is actually one of life’s strongest selling points. It’s unique value proposition, if you will.

No matter how hard we try to resist change, change is unavoidable. With a few major exceptions, such as death or that red wine stain on your carpet, nothing–nothing–is permanent.

And it’s absolutely fantastic.

At first glance, coming to terms with impermanence seems like a depressing idea. However, if we can learn to not only accept, but embrace this idea, our lives can only be improved. By remembering that nothing is permanent, we’ll be less hesitant to take risks, for one, which is one of the biggest benefits. For example, I receive numerous emails from hard-working professionals on a regular basis who have either gotten laid-off or are desperately needing a change, but are just lacking the confidence to veer in a new direction. They worry it won’t work out, and they’ll have thrown away their career. They worry they won’t like it as much as they thought they would. They worry that they’ll be putting everything in jeopardy. They worry that they’re being irrational and senseless. Essentially, they worry they’ll fail.

And it rips me to shreds every single time, because I just want to reach out and give them a comforting pat on the back, and then push them as hard as I can and with all my might. Sometimes, all we need is a little nudge.

Because truth be told, if it doesn’t work out, so what? You can always, always go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before, because no change is permanent. But if it does work out, you’ll only be all the more happy you decided to take the leap.

Life Isn’t As Serious As We Make It Out To Be

When making decisions, we have this disabling tendency to imagine everything in terms of forever and ever. We think that if we don’t pick the right career, the right path, the right husband, the right job, the right time to have kids, the right amount to save, that the world will come crashing down around us. All of this pressure that we’ve built up for ourselves, doesn’t exist naturally. We are the ones creating it, and we are the ones perpetuating it

We take our decisions very seriously, and their outcomes even more so. “But what if I do this, and then it doesn’t work out?” Contrary to popular belief, the world actually does not end. It keeps going, and we keep going. Life isn’t as big of a deal as we make it out to be.

Change is inevitable. Nothing is permanent. Why not use that to our advantage and start taking more positive risks?

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)

See that baby face up there?  That’s my friend Karol–pronounced like Carl–who is a writer, traveler, & all around adventure-seeking bad ass over at Ridiculously Extraordinary.  Right now he’s living in Poland, but before that he was downing noodles in Thailand, dodging kangaroos in Australia, and doing the zen thing in India, to name a few.  Today is a big day for him–it’s the launch of his latest book, How to Live Anywhere, where he details exactly the various methods he uses to earn money online in order to fund his travels and, essentially, gain the freedom that we all crave.

In order to help him spread the word, I begged and I pleaded and did everything short of propose marriage if he would be so kind as to grace us with a guest post.  Fortunately, Karol was more than happy to, and even more fortunately, I didn’t actually have to propose marriage because, after all, what if he had said yes?  Though, I suppose on the bright side, since money bags over here is doing so well with his online projects, he could have taken us on a wicked honeymoon–with a butler, even, I bet.

My two favorite quotes from his book:

1.  “The balance between recklessness and frightened paralysis too often strays

to the side of paralysis. Do your homework, but don’t let fear

keep you from realizing your dream.”

2.   “You need to start thinking about what you’re going to do

before you get the money or else your life will only revolve

around the money.”

Score.

So, if you’re in the market for a layout of action steps that you can take in order to start making money online & be able to go on wild and crazy adventures around the world, I’d strongly encourage you to check out his book here:

And now without further ado, I bring you the one and only, Karol Gadja.  I can’t pronounce his last name, either, so don’t worry.

How to Start a Revolution (Or 3 Ways to Change the World)

I read Ash’s work because she’s starting a revolution and it’s fun to watch.  Maybe you’d like to start a revolution and change the world as well.  I hope so.  We need more revolutionaries.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty revolutionary world-changing bad-assery we’ve got to figure out how to change the world.

To change the world, you first have to define your world.  Once you’ve defined your world, you rule your world and anything goes.

I have regular conversations with people who have seemingly big dreams and big goals. World changing goals like ending poverty and AIDS.

Here’s the problem:  Those goals are admirable, but unapproachable.  They’re so far out of grasp that they’re almost not real.  Like a beauty pageant contestant who says she wants to end world hunger.  Be honest with yourself.  Choose big goals that you can take action towards accomplishing right now.

Make your world smaller and then you can instigate real change.

For example, instead of eliminating world poverty, how about helping just one family in need?

Back when I lived in Orlando, FL I belonged to an entrepreneurial organization for a short while. Every holiday season they would somehow, some way, find a family that was struggling and proceed to rock there world. How? Food, gifts for the kids, cash, clothes. Each member of the club would bring something to the table. When all 50 of us came together with something small we managed to change the world.

Yes, it was a small world, but it was a powerful change none-the-less.

I’m not saying you should do exactly that, but once you’ve defined your world you give yourself an immense amount of power to

revolutionize.

Now, 3 ways to start a revolution and change the world (your world):

1) Start A Blog: Write The Revolution

Simple. Get a Web host that has 1-click install of Wordpress (most Web hosts do nowadays) and write your revolution. If you’ve already got revolutionary ideas to write about, great! If you think you’re just normal and can’t change the world, you’re wrong.

Seriously, you are unique. There is something fantastic inside you that the world needs to know about. Tell us. Share. Revolutionize!

Like I mentioned earlier we need more awesome people to spread their awesome ideas.  The Middle Finger Project is about rebelling against mediocrity. Go! Kick ass! Inspire others to kick ass!

2) Engage In Long Term Travel: Encounter The Revolution

This isn’t about getting holier-than-thou or pretentious.  It’s like this: Travel teaches you to respect people. Travel forces you to make bold actions.  Travel allows you to face your fears and come out on top.  OK, sometimes you’ll fall flat on your ass, but you’ll learn how to deal with that as well.

And I don’t mean travel as in going to Paris for a week or taking a 3 day holiday to the beach.  That’s fun too!  But I mean traveling by getting down and dirty.  Extending yourself.  Getting out of your comfort zone.  Leave for a month, 2 months, 6 months, 3 years!

I get e-mails every day from people who wish they could live in a new countries and experience new cultures.

My response is always:  You can!

Not only do we need more bad asses spreading their ideas via written form, but we also need you spreading your ideas live, face-to-face with people in every city and country on this big blue ball.

(Editor’s Note: Have a big announcement coming to the site in the next couple of weeks related to this topic.  For those of you who have been aching to find your appetite for life once again, & are interested in exploring travel as a medium for doing so, you might just have your chance.)

3) Start A Business: Enable The Revolution

It’s more difficult to start a revolution while you’re living life at a day job. It’s not necessarily easy to get rid of a day job and

change the world, but since when was being a revolutionary supposed to be easy?

What I can tell you is that freeing up your heart, mind, and time from a day job is worth it.  I’ve worked for myself for 10 years, and every day that I wake up I’m more inspired to initiate change in my world than the day before.  The passion grows consistently.  In another 10 years I might just explode. (Thankfully, science is on my side, and that is unlikely.)

Starting a business that allows you the freedom to do what you want enables you the freedom to change the world.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)

We hear it all the time:

FIND MEANING IN YOUR LIFE.

It’s become the advice du jour. The magical solution to our woes. The on-call prescription for disappointment with life. The hope we hold onto, when our own has abandoned us.

In a sense, the search for meaning has become a religion of its own.

We worship its ideals, and bow at its implications. We’re kept awake at night, hoping to form a relationship with meaning. We want to feel its presence so deeply in our lives, but at times, we tend to lose faith when it doesn’t manifest itself to us right away.

In many ways, meaning has been put up on a pedestal as a savior.

Unlike traditional forms of religion, however, this religion–the search for meaning–is far more compelling in terms of conversions, because there are many who have walked before us who have actually seemed to find it. I certainly don’t need to go door-to-door pedaling copies of the newest testament in hand (whose cover would likely feature a Hanes underwear model, because I’m the one making this all up and I’ve decided that Hanes underwear models should be plastered on as many objects as possible within my line of vision, thank you very much) because the proof is in the pudding. We see other people leading these lives just oozing with meaning–you know the type–and by golly, we’re just dying for someone to take a chicken baster already and just douse us with all their might.  (Overboard?  I’ll settle down with strange image-evoking metaphors.)

We want so desperately to find meaning in our lives, that when we don’t find it instantaneously, we stomp up and down, cross our arms with frustration, and march on back to the land of superficial happiness. Superficial or not, at least it’s readily available. Big screen, big screen, who wants a big screen?

It’s the easy way out.

Truth be told, the search for meaning is hard. It sounds like a bunch of lollipops and fun in the sun, but it’s a grueling process if you’re starting from scratch. Even the goal itself–meaning–is rather vague and elusive. What does meaning, well…mean, anyway? If we don’t have a clear idea of what meaning is in the first place, how are we suppose to go out and get some?

My answer:

Meaning is emotion.

When that one thing drives us to truly feel–be it elation, somberness, excitedness, worry, etc.–it brings us meaning. Something can only mean as much as we feel it. For example, writing to me is highly meaningful, because of the feelings that come with it. Intense joy. Fear. Pride. Wonder. Challenge. Satisfaction in knowing that no matter how fleeting life can be, words are permanent. Fascination with the human ability to communicate. Amusement when attractive readers from Indianapolis ask me to weddings. You know, the usush.

In many cases, relationships become meaningful to people, because of the feelings they attach to them (rapture, exhilaration, enchantment, sensuality, security).

In other cases, hobbies like sports become meaningful to people, because of the feelings they attach to them (loyalty, unity, pride, pleasure, desire to have an excuse to drink beer).

Meaning is not inherent; it is derived only when we assign meaning, which we do because we feel strongly about something.

As it turns out, feelings are running this crazy, crazy world of ours.

Not just individual feelings, but collective feelings as well. It’s precisely how societies are formed, with their expectations and cultural norms; the group, as a whole, shares a general feeling toward something, and as a result, that something ends up representing great meaning for a society.  Take funnel cake, for example.

Therefore, it seems to go without saying that when we deny ourselves the ability to feel; when we push our emotions to the side, and aimlessly keep on doing what we’ve always done, meaning will never reveal itself to us. It can’t. Because it’s personal. And if we don’t take it personally and run the emotional risk, then we’ll remain indifferent to life, to the world around us, and to ourselves. And not only is that unfortunate, but it’s incredibly boring as well.  You might as well be dead.

Risk equals reward. Risk equals reward. Risk equals reward.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)

Q:  Who’s Your Daddy?

A:  Novelty

In the last year, two of the countries I’ve lived in are Chile & Costa Rica. In both places, I did a number of things, kissed met a number of people, and learned a number of lessons.

Many people advocate the value of travel–that’s nothing new–but what they’re really advocating is the value of experiences.

Experiences yield so much more than an adrenaline rush; they exercise our souls, rejuvenate our minds, refine our perspectives, provide us with lifelong memories and, most of all, make us come alive.  (Possibly assisted by Jose Cuervo, but no bold claims.)

Travel fosters new experiences. New experiences are, by default, novel. Novelty forces us to think critically and be present in the moment. This is why travel is such a valuable tool in terms of personal growth.

When we’re at home, it’s remarkably easy to get stuck in a rut. We rely on our routines to carry us through our weeks, which turn into months, which turn into years. And while routines can be comfortable, they can also be really stifling–without us even realizing it.

Today, I want to share some of the experiences I’ve had over the past year that have kept me sane. I encourage you to run, faster than ever, toward your own. If nothing else, you’ll at least have one or two damn good stories to tell.  (But hide the photos.  By all means, hide the photos!)

Costa Rica, Land Where Happiness is Contagious–Possibly The Result of an Unnamed, Unknown Shot Administered to the Glutes When Developing Signs of the Common Cold.  Or Not.  But I Really Wanted to Mention It.

Did unspeakable things on top of a waterfall.  Had a healer perform a ritual on my forearm to rid me of a stomach virus. Determined that hips not only come in all different shapes & sizes…but also range of motion.  Ran hand-in-hand with a cute German boy into the ocean at night with all of our clothes on & not a care in the world.  Just because.

Had my purse stolen. Twice.  Watched a mother & baby whale hovering off the coastline as I sipped a caipirinha at sunset. Learned that raw fish tastes better than cooked fish, and that butter is what you put on top of saltines. Made peace with bugs, but mastered the art of killing cockroaches when duty called– a particularly tricky task when one’s pants are around one’s ankles in the bathroom.

Experienced a 6.8 earthquake (which was far better than being bombed, since I didn’t know the word for “earthquake,” and thought that’s what was happening at the time). Made the acquaintance of a porn director, a Swedish prostitute & Matthew McConaughey. Discerned the value of patience while standing in long lines, as well as the value of using the ladies’ room beforehand. Watched barefoot children play soccer in the streets with empty soda bottles, and saw their unabashed excitement the next day when I returned with an armful of balls.

Experimented with foreign sounds coming out of my mouth, and giggled when they didn’t quite make it. Felt the wind in my hair atop jet skis, 4-wheelers, scooters, deep-sea fishing boats & bicycles, and the sun on my skin as I rafted down rivers, ziplined my way through rainforests, kayaked my way through mangroves and hiked my way up mountains.

But Most Importantly…

Learned that people and what they do for a living are mutually exclusive. Found out what it means to be madly, passionate, uncontrollably in love. Found out what it means to be profoundly, devastatingly, soul-crushingly hurt. Discovered that politically drawn lines separate countries, not humanity. Unearthed universal truths about the world, but at the same time, uncovered even more particular truths about myself. Understood what it finally meant to feel alive. And last but not least, gained knowledge that in some places, short shorts really can be practical.

Chile, Land of Ridiculous-Looking Pants & Guards That Look Like the Guards at Buckingham Palace, but Aren’t.

Witnessed a man without legs heave himself down the aisle of a public bus with his elbows. Participated in a student-run, alcohol-fueled, end-of-year celebratory party inside the walls of Santiago’s most prestigious university. Wistfully admired the immense majesty of snow-capped Andes mountains from the other side of the glass in my bedroom.  Climbed a portion of the Andes mountains with newfound Brazilian friends, then later celebrated the glory of the vineyards of their valleys.

Taught smart, driven college students the right way to pronounce the “sh” sound in English, and they taught me what it means not to have opportunity handed to you on a silver platter. Was flown to Patagonia in order to impart valuable knowledge to high school students, but it was those high school students who showed me that innocence is sometimes the most valuable quality of all.

Rode llamas in the city, took cable cars up mountainsides, and relished every single bus ride across town. Ate a seafood delicacy known as locos that is apparently only available off the coast of Chile (still haven’t found the English equivalent), delighted in the tradition of warming red wine on the grill, and witnessed the power of food in connecting strangers.  Covered myself with no less than four comforters each night at my host family’s house, and felt what it was like to truly be cold, but at the same time, through their kind compassion, felt what it was like to truly be warmed.

But Most Importantly…

I learned that “friends” is a mere synonym for “family“–even when you don’t share a common tongue.  But most of all, I learned that sometimes, friends are the best form of faith. I discovered the importance of laughing, dancing and blaring the radio with the windows down. I determined that through the hardest of human hardships, hope & kindness prevail, yet through the cushiest of human conditions, greed & hostility are more prevalent. I discovered that stereotypes only stretch as far as we pull them, and differences only noticed as long as we watch them. And last but not least, I learned that when all else fails, it’s never, ever a bad idea to go to the park and whisper sweet nothings into your lover’s ear.  (Save the hickeys for a rainy day.)

Be glad that I’m not listing London, 2006 here, or you’d be hearing a lot more about sweet nothings & lovers. Spanish ones, at that. Le sigh.

Surviving Versus Living – Not Even Your Mom Can Help You On This One

Nothing compares to experience. Nothing you could buy. Nothing you could sell. Nothing you could find on eBay. Nothing you could bust a rhyme about. Nothing your mom could bake you in a bunt pan with ooey gooey chocolaty chips melted inside. Not even anything that your Facebook farm with 700 bushels of freaking boysenberries can compare to. (Shocker.)

New experiences are the only path from merely surviving to actually living. And I’m pretty sure that if you don’t already have a down payment on your casket, you’re probably more interested in the latter.

Unless, of course, you have OCD, in which case you very well may already have your casket picked out. (And you thought the Swedish prostitute had issues.)

If this topic interests you, you can grab a free copy of my report titled Living or Just Surviving? A No-Bullshit Guide for Modern-Day Outlaws Who Want to Feel Alive Again. It’s free–you just gotta throw in an email address down below, partner. Then I’ll send you more free stuff later–maybe without foul language in the title. But probably not.

LIVING OR JUST SURVIVING?
A No-Bullshit Guide
for the Modern Day
Outlaw

Want to feel
alive again?

GET THE FREE GUIDE

Name:

Email:

We respect your email privacy

Ride ‘em cowboy!

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Shattering the Current Model of Reality (And a Big Announcement!) (59)
• You’re Not Drunk, But Your Vision Is Still Blurred – One Reason Why Religion, Marriage & Even Education Sucks (40)
• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• The Real Value of Travel (Come Sneak Away to the Beaches of Costa Rica, If You Dare) (12)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)

A Personal Story  AKA  Scared Out of My Damn Mind

I was 20 years old when I started watching her slip away.  Normally during the summertime, she would spend all morning and a large portion of the afternoon out in our garden, diligently tending to every last petal, stem and root.  Her forehead would glisten with beads of sweat, but it never seemed to bother her; she seemed almost proud of it. “Look, Ash!” she would yell from her knees, “Did ya see the size of this one?!” after which she would pop up with yet another tomato in hand, her eyes wide with childlike excitement.

It all happened so quickly.

The first week she came in early from the garden once or twice, claiming to be “wiped,” and would head straight for the sofa, book in hand.

The second and third week it was three or four days in a row, but by the fourth week, she didn’t go out much at all.  By then, she wasn’t just tired, but had begun to complain about a stiff coldness in her feet, that soon expanded into her calves.  In very little time, the problem got continually worse, until she was barely making it out of bed at all, unable to really walk without experiencing dreadful pain.

I would sit with her in bed, rubbing her feet to make them warm again, and then layering on not one, not two, but three pairs of thick, wool socks, topped off with baby blue-colored booties made of yarn.  She described it as if her feet were constantly submersed in a bucket of ice water.

After jumping through numerous physician’s hoops, eventually I was able to get her an appointment with a specialist.  At that point, I was in college an hour away in the closest major city, had to leave school, drive an hour home to pick her up, turn around and drive the hour back to the city where her doctors were, then turn back around and take her home, and then turn around once again to return to school for classes that evening.

I’ll never forget that day, because I was moody.   I was impatient.   I was uncompassionate.   Insensitive.  Icy.  Cruel.

As she struggled with every bit of her last being to make it down the sidewalk, her legs giving out on her at a moment’s notice, I picked up my pace and walked faster, suddenly annoyed at the situation. “Wait, Ash, I can’t go that fast,” she half-heartedly cried, as I stood at the door impatiently tapping my foot.  Instantly my mind was filled with irrational thoughts.  Perhaps she’s just exaggerating.  Perhaps she’s just looking for attention. It’s as if I wanted to test her.

On the way out, after we learned that she not only needed to have surgery done on her legs, the result of blocked arteries, but beforehand she would have to have open heart surgery, I told myself to be more sensitive in that moment.  To be more sympathetic.  To be her daughter, for christ’s sake.  Instead, I practically dragged her down the sidewalk to the car.

I look back on that day, and realize why I acted the way I did, in spite of my normally calm & caring personality:

I was scared out of my damn mind.

Inside, I was curled up like a little girl in a ball, looking out at the world with big, innocent eyes, scared of what the future held.  Not only was I scared of losing her, but I was scared of what losing her would mean.  It meant becoming an overnight adult.  It meant selling houses.  It meant auctioning furniture.  It meant inheritance taxes.  It meant lawyers.  It meant dealing with the crazy neighbor across the street, who, a couple of months later, as I sat there in shock with the note from the coroner in my hand, knocked on the door and ever-so-politely told me that she came to take the Yankee candle that, she swore, my mom said she could have.  Yes, that really happened.

But what it really meant, far beyond all of the trivial logistical details, was a deep-seated uncertainty. It was an uncertainty about life, yet at the same time, a definitive realization.  A realization that from that point on, I was entirely accountable for my well-being.  There would be no hand-holding.  There would be no gentle guiding.  There would be no motherly suggestions.  No annoying check-up phone calls.

And no sense of security.

And I’d never been more scared in my life.

Worst Case Scenarios Never Happen; We’re Just Crazy

Truthfully, that’s what fear is, isn’t it?  An uncertainty.  Fear happens when we don’t know what’s going to happen next. And if we don’t know what’s going to happen, then we can’t control it.  And it makes us feel all sorts of anxiety, worry, and fear.  At worst, it can completely paralyze us into inaction.  At best, it might make us lash out at others, or be insensitive when we shouldn’t, for example.

At that time in my life, my mind couldn’t help but spin out of control, pondering all of the worst case scenarios and then–here’s the kicker–actually starting to convince myself that they would come to fruition. Surely I would become homeless, have to beg on the street, would be forced into prostitution and have to wear shimmery gold skin-tight dresses that didn’t go with my skin tone, and would eventually end up missing teeth before plunging to my death over the highest bridge I could find.

And we all do that when we get scared (well, maybe not the shimmery gold dress, though that fear is justifiable), whether we’ve had a major life crisis, or are worried about something like whether or not people will like our clothes, our decisions, our ideas–essentially, us.

Because of the lack of certainty and our insatiable human need for answers, we make them up instead. We imagine all of the possible outcomes, and then start to believe that–surely–the worst will likely happen.  And then we fixate on it.  And then it builds in our mind, until now the possibility has become a very real fear.

But here’s the thing.

While fear is a natural human emotion, that doesn’t make it real.

What I mean to say with that is that emotions are, of course, real to us, but they don’t always reflect reality.

I once read somewhere that the only fears we are born with are the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises; the rest are socially constructed and learned fears over a period of time. Furthermore, the study noted that humans don’t just develop fears based on their own personal experience, but if they witness another human being having a negative experience, that fear is then also transferred over.

So now we’ve got all of our random negative experiences, that may or may not have just been a fluke, plus all of the random negative experiences of everyone we know or have seen on television or read about on the internet, all compiling to essentially make us a bunch of walking nutcases.

No wonder fear runs our lives.

And that’s exactly the point–we can’t let it.  If we make decisions based on ideas that aren’t even real, how sound a decision is that?

It’s said that fear is an adaptive emotion used to help us avoid dangerous or threatening situations, but I’ve got to ask: Now that we’re not fighting tigers in the wilderness, how useful is this really?

In a speech given in Phoenix in 2008, Michelle Obama made a killer point:

“Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Make decisions based on what should happen, not what shouldn’t.”

As a strategy, I consistently and consciously try and identify my fears, and then go and dive the hell right in.  Because you know what?  With practice, I’ve noticed that–just as I suspected–most of the time, they aren’t warranted.  And once I can see that in retrospect, it helps me ten-fold the next time I face a potentially fearful situation.  With practice, I’ve gained confidence that whatever I’m scared of, probably isn’t as scary as I’m making it.  So as a result, it’s easier for me to plunge into scary situations.

Fear To Start This Website

So when my good friend and all-around Australian wonder woman asked me if I’d consider doing an interview on taming my fears when I started The Middle Finger Project, as a contribution to a bigger project she was working on designed to help people get over their fears when they first start a website, I jumped at the chance.

Today, Catherine is launching Awesome Fear Wrangling, and I’m totally not an affiliate for this, but think that many of you might benefit, based on the number of emails I get that ask me for advice on starting a website.

She’s poured her heart and soul–oftentimes waking up at 4am to conduct Skype interviews (I was one of them)–and as a result, a beautiful resource that will help anyone deal with the most common fears when starting a website was born. Some of them that Catherine addresses are:

• fear of failure

• fear of technology

• fear of rejection

• fear of getting it wrong

• fear of trolls (The mean-commenter kind. Not the bridge-lurking kind.)

• fear of not being cool enough

• fear of not being expert enough

The resource includes 13 half hour interviews from super duper rad bloggers such as Dave Navarro from thelaunchcoach.com and rockyourday.com, Johnny B. Truant from johnnybtruant.com, Kelly Diels from kellydiels.com, and Sonia Simone, Senior Editor at copyblogger.com as well as remarkable-communication.com–as well as a host of others, including myself, discussing tactics designed to put any fear in its place in terms of building a website.

In addition, she’s included a whole bunch of mini-ebooks on topics, such as a compendium of website fears and signs we’re not managing our fears, as well as a ton of resources on how to help you light a fire under your ass and go get started.

As I said, I’m not an affiliate for Catherine, but because she’s so rad I wanted to mention it.  And also, because she was so thoughtful, she even made you guys a hello video…and and and and AND was cool enough to give any of my readers $20 off if they enter the code “TMFProject” when ordering. I thought that was just dear of her.

If you want to go check it out, you can find Awesome Fear Wrangling here.

If you want to hear Catherine’s fantastic Australian accent which will, inevitably, make you jealous if you’re from anywhere in the continental United States, then watch her wonderful video saying hello to you guys.

And if you want to be a badass, make mad moves and start taking the bull by the horns, tell your imaginary friend–fear–to go take a hike for a while.  You have more important things to do besides cater to his every need.  Though it’s more likely to be a bitch in Prada.  Either way….

Have stories of times you were utterly scared?  Did you overcome the fear?  Regret letting it envelop you?  Feel free to share.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)

“Quitters never win & winners never quit.”

Excuse me, divine gods of all Protestant work-ethic – inspired proverbs, *takes drag of imaginary cigarette* but I beg to differ. *Apathetically exhales and flings cigarette to ground before grinding it with the ball of not-so-imaginary fire engine red high heel.*

We’ve heard these types of statements all our lives:  Stick with it, keep your eye on the ball, never give up and if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Essentially, there’s one big, giant underlying message:

Quitting is taboo.

More taboo than going under anesthesia and having someone slice open your breast, insert large pieces of unnatural matter underneath your skin, and then sew you back up and ship you off with the Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels Collection, Size DD–while risking one’s life in the name of vanity, for example.

Weird.

Quitting has become the equivalent of committing a sin.  It has turned into a moral issue of sorts; we stick with something, oftentimes for the principle of it, rather than the value of it.  And while that may score us brownie points from the integrity fairy, the truth is that it isn’t going to do much in terms of advancement.

But isn’t integrity important, you ask?

Sure.

But the problem is that our integrity will be capped off at some point, if we aren’t living an honest version of the life we aspire to have.  Hypocrites don’t make the best integritists. (If that’s not a word, it so is now.)  So what’s better?  Short-term integrity that keeps your wheels spinning, or long term integrity that will eventually launch you headfirst into the lead?

That’s why I’m calling for a rediscovery of the lost art of quitting.

We’ve been taught that quitting means failure.  But we neglect to add the very important caveat to that statement, which is that there are two types of quitting:  Quitting things that matter, and quitting things that don’t.  Because we’ve had it so drilled into our minds that quitting is bad, we don’t tend to make that distinction, and instead, don’t quit anything.  We persevere through the things that matter, as well as the things that don’t.  And we use a hell of a lot of energy in the process, all in the name of fear of failure.  After all, we wouldn’t want to be a quitter, would we?  It’s almost like being called a vulgar profanity.

We persevere to save face.  We persevere to avoid looking like a failure.  We persevere to prove ourselves to others.  We persevere so we don’t feel like all the time we spent up until that point was a waste.

And all of those reasons are bullshit reasons that are centered around pride.

The only reason we should ever persevere is when it matters.  And when does it matter?  When it contributes to your big picture goals.  Anything else is a waste of your time, and not quitting is extremely counterproductive.  In that case, quitting is the most intelligent move you could make.  It’s acknowledging that–hey–I can’t do everything.   There are things I’d like to do, but I am only one person.  There are people I’d like to please, but I am only one person.  There are opportunities I’d like to take, but I am only one person.   It’s about keeping the big picture in mind, focusing on it, and then aligning yourself with whatever it takes to make that picture a reality.

This notion that quitters never win and winners never quit is nothing more than a feel-good bunch of so-called inspirational malarkey, designed to give us motivation.  What it ends up doing, though, is gives us misplaced guilt.   And frankly, there’s no reason for it.

As human beings, we change.  Our lives change.  Our opinions change.  Our habits change.  Our thoughts change.  Our perspectives change.  Our ideas change.  Our goals, dreams & aspirations change.  And with that needs to come flexibility.  If, on the other hand, we are constantly in the process of change, but are also constantly trying to stick to our initial commitments & try to avoid being a quitter, we’re going to be pulled in both directions, never making progress in either.

If something doesn’t make sense for us, then retreating once we’ve started isn’t a sign of flightiness, unreliability or commitment phobia; it’s a sign of wisdom.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)

My friend & fellow blogger Carlos Miceli of Owl Sparks once told me that he was relieved that I never waxed on about relationships here on the site, which I had sort of made an unspoken rule.

But what can I say? I’m a rule breaker, baby. Even when they’re my own.

And with that, I’m busting out the L-word.

Love.

There, I said it.

Being the idealist that I am, you might imagine that I’d be the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, doodle mini-cupids around my lover’s name and nonchalantly lounge around in vintage clawfoot tub-fulls of fine French champagne, while draped in pearl necklaces and plucking petals from fresh-picked daisies murmuring to myself, “He loves me?… He loves me not.”

Aside:  What ever happened to, “I love him?… I love him not.”  I really must be an idealist.

While the sounds of anything “champagne” and “clawfoot” make me go wild, that lovely little image couldn’t be farther from the truth of who I am.  Of all things, I tend to be obscenely practical with matters of the heart, and have always been rather skeptical that one lone person could ever possibly fulfill all of another’s needs–or should be expected to.

And isn’t that what we ask of our partners?  We don’t simply ask for their love; we expect (and demand) that person to not only be our partner, but to be our everything.  We demand they be our emotional support, our financial stability, our intimate lovers, our best friends; we expect them to be sexy but sensitive, spontaneous but grounded, romantic but practical, intelligent but not stuffy, and funny but with a serious side.

But most of all, our greatest demand is that our partner be our source of happiness.

I don’t know about you, but that seems to be a pretty tall order.

While it’s obvious that one’s partner should, by all means, be a source of happiness, they cannot be the primary source of happiness.  I won’t go into all of the feel-good literature on taking responsibility for one’s own happiness–we already know that stuff.

Most of us claim to be looking for love.  Sure, who doesn’t want late night full-body rubs and someone feeding you bon bons by the handful? (Sign-up sheet soon to follow.)  But on the same token, we seem to confuse looking for love with looking for that one person that’s going to make us complete, buy us a picket fence, pay the bills, and show up in a red cape (or red bikini, your choice) anytime the lawn needs mowing. In other words, someone that provides us with security.

Some might say they’re the same, but in many cases, they aren’t.  If we’re capable of completing ourselves and getting our own picket fence, if we so desire, then we’re free to concentrate on love–not whether or not Bachelor Number 1 makes enough money or not.  And doesn’t it seem like happiness would come more naturally that way on its own?

The point is this:  We tend to make decisions about the relationships we engage in based on some future projection of who that person will be at a later point in life.  We suss out their career choices and figure that if so and so is going to be a pharmacist, then so and so is a good catch, because to us, “good catch” = money = security.

But imagine if you were already secure, for example, and you were able to take that out of the equation.

Would you still pick the same way?

Note:  That wasn’t “obscenely practical” of me at all, was it?  Learn new things about myself everyday.

If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Why Stereotypes Piss Me Off (And How They’re Ruining Your Life) (3)
• Are You Your Own Dream Zapper? (34)
• When Being in Control is a Disservice (37)
• Do You Have The Guts? (25)
• To Create The Life You Want, Passion Is Not Enough (29)