The Mike Novak .com

Another installment of Mike Novak On....

2011-08-18T00:19:00.002-04:00

Hey kid, whatcha got in that brown paper bag?

2011-04-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

One Chicago school has banned lunches brought from home, the Chicago Tribune reports. Administrators at Little Village Academy, a public school, say the policy is all in the name of good health. Principal Elsa Carmona told the Tribune she created the policy after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" for their lunch.

Once Sarah Palin receives news of this story, I'm sure she'll be at that school with chocolate chip cookies and introduce those unfortunate kids to freedom.

I gotta say, I couldn't agree more with this school's decision. In middle school, the lunches your parent packed for you could either make you or break you. One lunch faux pas and you'll be eating your lunch in the empty stall while flushing every 3 minutes to fool the other bathroom goers.

Why should kids be judged by the lunch that their guardians choose for them? I would usually only judge the other students if they sucked in gym class, if their art class projects looked like an orginal Stevie Wonder creation, or if you found it necessary to drop your pants to your ankles while emptying your bladder in the urinal (you know who you are).

My mom wanted me to live a healthy lifestyle, so my lunches usually consisted of a sandwich with a nutri-grain bar. I certainly wasn't bringing much to the trading table. The kid with the Dunkaroos or Gushers was usually the coolest guy at lunch. People would pretty much give anything short of a hand-job to be able to dip miniature kangaroos into a sugary paste, and for most girls, it would be another 10 years or so until they could experience a burst of juices in their mouth similar to the sensation that eating Gushers provided.

If your parents let you eat these sugary snacks, you were the top businessman at lunch. You understood the economics of the cafeteria. One group that had a tough time at the lunchroom trading floor were the Asians. This is the only place where Asians have an unfavorable trade agreement. It was always hard for them to try to trade their miniature juice box with a picture of a cartoon turtle holding a catcher's mitt for a pack of saltines with cheddar cheese spread and a little red stick to smear it on with. (I for one enjoyed the delicacies of the Asian market, and embraced the multicultural atmosphere of the lunch room.)

If I could relive my youth, I'd eat Lunchables every day. Where else can you squeeze tomato paste out of a packet onto a piece of cardboard and call it pizza, or stack a piece of cheese and miniature turkey roll on a Ritz cracker and call it a sandwich?

So kids, if you're reading this, enjoy these snacks while you can. Once you become my age, eating fruit by the foot during a quarterly earnings meeting can have negative effects on your annual review.

DJ Tanner on the One-Two's....

2011-04-05T23:16:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks a very special birthday in America. It is Candace Cameron's 34th birthday. We all know Candace best from her role as "DJ Tanner" on TV's Full House. Candace has had quite the life.

Candace grew up in a large family. She was the oldest of 3 sisters, and after her mother passed away, her uncle Jesse and her father's college buddy, Joey, moved in to their San Francisco home to help take care of the girls. Candace also has an older brother, Kirk Cameron. You may remember Kirk as Mike Seaver from TV's Growing Pains.

When Candace was growing up, she had her ups and downs. After becoming obsessed with looking like a model and keeping up with her best friend Kimmy, DJ developed an eating disorder. She was also involved in a scandalous love triangle with rich-boy Nelson and bad-boy Viper. It was only while cleaning up a recently vandalized park where she realized that she needed time to sort things out, by herself.

Candace also dated the perpetually-hungry jock, Steve. Candace and Steve broke up after a long relationship and he got a job portraying Aladdin in Walt Disney World. Candace was crushed, but after climbing a mountain she finally saw the light.

Candace often battled herself and her actions showed her 2 conflicting sides. One minute she'll be working as a clown for a photographer to save up money for cool new tennis shoes and the next she'll be transforming an "F" grade on her exam to an "A" in order to trick her hard-working father.

Despite failing that one exam, DJ was able to take the SAT's, which were actually proctored by Vanna White and after an intense waiting period, got accepted to Clown University.

So where is Candace Cameron now? Who knows. Last I heard, her younger sister got amnesia after falling off her horse. Her name lives on however, as my DJ name.

DJ TANNER

P.S. She's SOOOOOOO jealous of Kathy Santoni, the cutest girl in school.

Let me be your hero.....

2011-03-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

Hours after Britney Spears announced that she was going on tour with none other than Latin sensation Enrique Iglesias, Enrique reportedly dropped out of the tour.

Obviously this is because Enrique Iglesias is never the supporting act. He IS the WHOLE F'ING SHOW.

I mean, seriously, have you all heard "Escape"? What about "Rhythm Divine"? And who can forgot about "Bailamos"?

Britney has to realize that while she was busy getting fat, having babies, and shaving her head, Enrique was getting facial moles removed, banging tennis star Ana Kournikova, and hanging out with the cast of "Jersey Shore".

I do hope that Enrique reconsiders joining the tour however, because it's definitely a show I wouldn't miss. Backstage passes a must, and to the person who out-bid me on eBay to get a piece of Enrique's removed cheek mole, screw you.

Here is a video I found that is pretty hilarious. I never realized how absurd the "Hero" video was. Enjoy.

"Whack" Swan

2011-03-28T22:25:00.001-04:00

There has been a lot of rumors circulating recently that a majority of the dancing scenes in the award-winning movie "Black Swan" were actually performed by a stunt double, rather than Natalie Portman herself.

Director Darren Aronofsky has gone on record saying that Portman did 80% of the dancing in the film.

I just don't understand why people are upset that 20% of the dancing wasn't real, when we should all still be pissed that 100% of the cunnilingus wasn't real.

This proves once and for all that Natalie Portman is a big phony. I have no doubt that in Star Wars: Episode 1, she wasn't REALLY flying around in a royal star cruiser.

You Aint' Sheen Nothin' Yet

2011-03-23T19:36:00.000-04:00

I know I have been lazy with the blog for quite a while now, but believe it when I say that I have returned and I'd like to think I'm better than ever.

With that being said, I think It's only fitting that I provide some commentary on one of pop culture's most recent and explosive stories: The Charlie Sheen Saga

Now if you are a fan of my blog, you'll know that I have commented on Sheen and his sitcom in the past. You can view the entry HERE. It is a negative post about Sheen and his tv show, and while I still do not care for the show, my views on Sheen have forever been changed....

Charlie Sheen had it all. Hit movies, smokin' hot wives, a famous dad, and pee-wee hockey's most famous coach for a brother. So what if he wants to party for 3 days straight and bang porn stars in elegant hotel suites? Hasn't he earned it?

Me and Charlie are a lot alike: We both create our own catchphrases, we both have adonis DNA, and we both crave attention. Sure there's things that Charlie has that I don't, but if you replace a $15 million dollar mansion with my Hoboken apartment, 2 beautiful porn star goddesses for my 2 economy-sized bottles of Jergens, and a briefcase of the finest Colombian cocaine that money can buy with my handle of Banker's Club Vodka, me and Charlie are virtually the same person.

We should embrace Charlie. For the past month he has entertained us and has introduced me to several porn stars whose existence I was previously unaware of. Now for $19.99 a month, I can help send those girls to college, as well as stimulate the economy.

Charlie Sheen doing crazy things is good for everyone, so just sit back, relax and let him Win all over your face, because he IS an F-18, and I also consider him a friend.

OCD Teaser #1

2011-01-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

Check out the teaser trailer for my brand new real life web series, OCD: Over Coming Demons

Mike Novak on... 11/30/2010

2010-11-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

Mike Novak on.....

2010-11-17T07:51:00.000-05:00

Don't call it a comeback

2010-06-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

Fans, I apologize for my absence for the past few months. I moved to Hoboken in April, and I'm not going to lie, I've been partying too much to even turn on my computer. But now that my honeymoon stage with this town is coming to a sustainable level, I feel thats theres no reason i can't keep doing what I love and that's making these posts and making videos. I'm hoping to wrap up my pilot shortly and then get a crew together and film that son of a bitch. To celebrate my return, and to say I'm sorry for not updating, here's an embarassing video to show you that I really do appreciate those of you who read and support this blog.

Let me feel the heat!

2010-03-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

Ricky Martin officially came out on his website, when he told fans that he is in fact, a homosexual.

This isn't really a shocker to most, I'm sure. Finding out Ricky Martin is gay is kind of like finding out that there weren't any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq: We sort of knew it the whole time, but a lot of us just went along with it.

I'm glad Ricky can finally live his life openly. He accomplished a lot during the height of his career, but his most amazing accomplishment was probably being the man responsible for making William Hung a millionaire. To relive this moment, watch below:

Show and Tell (obviously the strip club, not the child's learning game)

2010-03-25T21:47:00.004-04:00

The picture explains it all. This is hilarious.

You Will REST IN PEACE

2010-03-24T20:54:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to Mark "The Undertaker" Calloway. He turns 48 today. He is without a doubt one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, but he will REST IN PEACE come sunday when he takes on The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 26.

I would love to show a tribute to the Undertaker, but I'm gonna go ahead and show you something much more entertaining: A tribute to one of the greatest managers of all-time: PAUL BEARER. Enjoy

Bon Voyage

2010-03-12T22:33:00.000-05:00

In a few hours, I will be departing for Florida for a week. My Oceanic Flight leaves mad early. I will be sure to post some stuff from my blackberry throughout my trip. But because of air travel uncertainty these days, I will take this time to say goodbye, just in case. Thanks for reading. If I do not land in Miami, trust that I have landed on an island with a fugitive, a con-man, a fat millionaire, a Korean couple, and a pregnant woman among others. Speaking of Others, I'm sure that island will have them too. If I ever make it back home after spending time there, I may want to write a TV show about it..

I'm feeling skinny, Tony!

2010-03-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

So I'm moving to Hoboken in a few weeks, and getting a gym membership no longer fits into my budget. I've been browsing through some home-workout products that are sure to give me more definiton than a Webster's Dictionary. These are what I've been considering:
>
1.) The Shake Weight. To see my thoughts on this product, click here -->http://www.themikenovak.com/2010/02/whats-shakin.html

2.) The iGallop
The iGallop is great. Since there's not a ranch in Hoboken, I can get the much needed horseback riding workouts that I need. Like the informercial said: Horseback riding is one of the best forms of excrcise. Probably only second to, oh i dont know, actually walking yourself! That's like telling me that that taking a cab ride is great excerise. True, I may strengthen my lungs by holding my breath due to the intense smell of urine in that yellow car, but I won't be buring any calories. Still, the iGallop is sure to entertain any of my guests and will definitely be the life of the party.

Bring Back Pluto!

2010-03-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

I totally agree with you, Emerson. Pluto was a fully functioning planet. It had its own orbit, and a Disney character was named after it. Now that poor dog has to look himself in the mirror every day and realize that his name now means "random floating rock in space".

Better stick to the California roll

2010-03-11T17:28:00.001-05:00

"A producer of the Academy Award-winning documentary The Cove helped set up a sting at a hip sushi restaurant in Santa Monica, Calif. The restaurant and the chef have been charged with serving illegal and endangered whale meat."

I heard the owner of the restaurant also has a part time job as Shamu's trainer at SeaWorld. Well, HAD a job. Karma's a bitch, you whale-eating bastards.

If you want to see an older post on sushi, click here--> http://www.themikenovak.com/2009/06/this-is-my-first-entry-in-about-3.html

It's my problem free, Philosophy

2010-03-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may think I'm all jokes, but I also like to consider myself as a philosopher. In this edition of my blog, I'll share with you one of my most favorite theories on life...

I present to you, THE UMBRELLA EFFECT

Now let me give you some background info on this theory... The year is 2006. I'm a sophomore at the University of Delaware. I am loving life during this time. However, there is one thing that I am not loving. A certain song on the radio, to be exact. The song I'm referring to of course, is Rihanna's "Umbrella". I could not stand this song. It really irritated me, and I would get furious when I heard it. Fast forward 3 years to the present day, and I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG. Why, you ask? Simple. No matter how horrible the song was to me then, hearing it brings me back to the great times of college. When "Umbrella" plays on the radio now, you can bet your ass that somewhere in NJ I'm driving with my window down, rocking out to it.

So the "Umbrella Theory" is simple. It's currently loving something from the past that you didn't love just because it's associated with a better time in your life. The "Umbrella Effect" can be in the form of a song, food, or even a person (like an ex). Now, I'm curious to what my Umbrella will be from this time period, seeing how the most excited thing I've done lately is eat a ham sandwich. Everyone has Umbrellas in their life..what's yours?

And now, for your viewing pleasure....UMBRELLA by Rihanna

W.W.C.N.D?: What Would Chuck Norris Do?

2010-03-10T18:10:00.000-05:00

Happy 70th Birthday to Chuck Norris: Martial Arts Legend and all-around badass. It's hard to believe that Walker Texas Ranger is turning 70, seeing how fit he is and also since I heard that CHUCK NORRIS ATE THE WHALE THAT ATE THE TRAINER AT SEAWORLD. To celebrate the life of this truly awesome individual, here are some great Chuck Norris lines. Feel free to comment and write your favorites.

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

--Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

http://www.chucknorrisjokes.net/
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Boy Meets World....It's a shame Topanga got fat

2010-03-10T00:10:00.000-05:00

Below are some of the best Boy Meets World clips, especially the ones featuring the legendary Eric Matthews.

The Buried Life: The Mike Novak Edition

2010-03-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

This is a brand new segment where I'll be listing things that I want to do before I kick the bucket. This ain't Morgan Freeman's and Jack Nicholson's bucket list, that's for sure! First up, ELASTIC WAIST DENIM PANTS!

That's right. I used to have these when i was like 7, and I'd want to experience them again before I die. So much easier than having to button and wear a belt. Look how great those pants look in the picture above. They just fall right on top of those loafers. These are a must-have for any closet. Not only do I want to wear these before I die, I'd prefer to be wearing them during my death and also be buried in them. Everyone in hell would be so envious of my elastic pants.

It's like a forest down there...

2010-03-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

Police say a 37-year-old woman crashed her 1995 Ford Thunderbird into another car as she attempted to shave her bikini area. -AP

Animals have causing all kinds of trouble lately. First a killer whale eats its trainer, a groundhog extends winter, and now a hairy beaver causes a car accident. What is wrong with the animal kingdom?

I'd cut off a toe for a lifetime supply of Samoa's

2010-03-08T20:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Time to loosen up your belt another notch because you're about to gain a solid 5-10 lbs. Do the words "Thin Mints" mean anything to you? Or maybe you're like me, and the "Samoa" is more your style. I just don't understand how after all these years, even with Keebler Elves working day and night, the people who make the best cookies in the country are a bunch of pre-pubescent girls.

How have they maintained the rights to these cookies all this time? Why do I have to wait till March to get a friggin' Samoa. Then it dawned on me. The Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts are selfish hoarders of secrets. That's right. I said it. These girls should spread the joy of these cookies with the world by selling the recipes to Nabisco. The money I give you just funds the creation of more cookies anyway. It never ends. It's a viscious cycle that won't stop...Until we stop it.

Now on to you, Boy Scouts. Why is it that you are the only people in the United States that knows how to start a fire. If i was stuck in the wilderness I'd be screwed, because if you've ever tried to rub two sticks together in order to get a spark, you'd have a better chance of starting a fire underwater. Reveal your fire-making secrets to the rest of the world, because when I get accepted to be on "Survivor", I don't want to be useless to the tribe.

Guess Vanilla Ice's royalty checks stopped coming

2010-03-08T19:40:00.000-05:00

If you love Irish twins with pompadours, washed-up 90's white rappers and mixing 2 songs that have nothing to do with eachother besides a common beat, you'll love this video.

TV Wars

2010-03-03T20:37:00.001-05:00

Hey Cablevision subscribers, have fun watching LOST and Regis and Kelly online from now on...I'll be able to watch the View every morning because I don't fuck with Cablevison.

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