The M.I.L. Chronicles

Trust Me.

2012-02-15T22:17:00.000+05:30

Trust me, these two little words
Mean the world to me.
Blind faith I've had before
To be burned right to the core.
No more of the mindless complacency
That ruled my life into dormancy.

Trust me, I've woken up
To face a world that's ready to give up.
Miles to go before I reap
The simple pleasures that I seek.
A path clearly charted out
Through a turbulent existence, as is no doubt.

Trust me, I know the pain
Of suffering with absolutely no gain.
In the depths of hell I traverse
With only me I have to curse.
But wait and see what's in store
For the chances I'm taking will restore.

Trust me, I know the truth
The trouble is, it's all mute.
The deafening silence speaks not well
As I struggle out of this prison shell.
But with head held high and shoulders squared
To meet MY life I am prepared.

Trust me, it's about time
To venture beyond that faint line.
As I see the face that leads me on
All will be set right that was wrong.
It would be far too easy to give up on me
But I refuse and I will win! Trust me.

Wanted!

2012-02-13T14:14:00.000+05:30

In a run up to Valentine's Day, Christina Aguilera's song of 'What a Girl Wants' playing on the radio, I thought I'd share what I think a woman really wants. Every woman is different, but what she really wants in a man hasn't changed too much, well, since Adam and Eve.

WANTED!

A man who looks after himself. Needs to be fit, not necessarily Dwayne Johnson type, but with a body to lift my spirits, and stamina to match. Needs to smell like the summer, adventure, and a dash of danger.

A man who makes the time to be with me, even through my PMS and the follow up tantrums. Someone who just holds me tight when I cry, without asking, 'What are you crying about now?'

A man who can cook, preferably a AAA rated chef, who's not afraid to try new combinations. Extra brownie points to someone who likes to watch cooking shows with me & can recreate what he has just learned.

A man who will not compare me to his mother, or for that matter with my mother, in any respect. I am my own person, and if my cooking isn't as good as mom's, that's probably because I"M NOT YOUR MOTHER!

A man with whom I can share silence with. Someone who leaves me speechless, in a good way.

A man, who respects women. Someone who respects me, and will treat me like a girl, woman and a lady, NOT a chick or a babe. (Hot momma, is okay!) A gentleman! Someone who, in turn, earns my respect with his good deeds and words.

A man who is strong enough to share his emotions and deepest, darkest secrets with me, and trustworthy enough for me to tell him mine. You know, the shit even my mother doesn't know kinda stuff.

A man who listens, NOT just hears what I have to say. I don't always need you to understand me, but I would like your full attention, without interruptions, when I speak. Just because I'm sharing my problems with you does not mean I need advice on how to solve them, I am quite capable of solving my own issues. So, unless asked for, please keep your advice to yourself and lend me your ear. All I would like is for you to be there for me.

A man who likes to flirt but knows his limits, except with me. Someone who can look at me from across a crowded room and make me feel weak in the knees. Someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, even with bad hair, morning breath, wrinkles, sick as a dog, unshaven, in my worst moods.

A man who understands that it's the little things that count, like knowing exactly what each little gesture I make means, what my favorite color is, what my favorite flower is, how I like my coffee.

A man who loves animals, has had pets and taken care of them himself. Someone who doesn't think rescuing stray animals is detrimental to one's health.

A man will not abuse me in any way, verbally, emotionally, psychologically or financially. Someone who is fiercely protective of me, enough to beat up a roadside romeo for looking wrongly at me or tell off his mean mother. Someone I can run to to share everything with....good, bad, or ugly.

A man with whom I can be completely honest, open, crazy, sloppy, aggressive, soft, gentle, loving, nurturing, a vixen, and everything else that I really am.

A man who is completely honest with me, enough to tell me I'm getting fat, but kind enough to help me lose the extra weight.

A man who is committed to me on a molecular level and would not stray or let me stray. Someone who understands that flirting to me is a process of making friends (male or female) and does NOT implicitly or explicitly imply anything else. A man who has the sense to ask me about my male friends before jumping to unforgivable conclusions.

A man who knows when and how to use the three little words and mean them....'Sorry, Thank you, Please!'

A man who would give up every bad habit just so that I wouldn't be influenced.

A man who understands that just because you've done something nice for me does not automatically qualify you to a 'roll in the hay'. Must have the ability to be romantic, spontaneous and sensitive ...if possible all at the same time.

A man who isn't afraid of a little PDA, and is proud to show me off as his girl. Someone who's idea of foreplay is NOT 'get your clothes off!' and the words 'I love you' do NOT equal 'let's have sex!'

A man who knows I'm an independent woman, but has complete control over me, body, heart & soul, and visa versa. Someone who shows me he loves me. Someone who can make me dance, laugh, cry all at the same time.

A man who's only fear is losing me, and is not afraid to show it. Someone I would let go of not in death, but only in dire circumstances.

Qualifying points are in random order. All the above points need to be met to qualify and proceed to the next level. If this person should be found, please call me ASAP.

WANTED! Preferably ALIVE, before I Die!

In sickness & ...what!?

2012-02-07T14:33:00.000+05:30

I know, it's been eons since I last blogged, not for lack of material to write, or the time. Nope! I had plenty of both but lacked the motivation and honestly, putting sentence in things was not right coming. But I'm back, until I completely fall off my precariously pitched cliff top perch.

I have been sick lately. Yes, I know....Oh my God!! Me sick? A karate brown belt! Well, I have been, and let me tell you, it ain't fun. It has been years since I've been this ill, making me feel like I was going to die. As I writhed in the corner of my extendable bunk bed, I saw flashes of my short, extremely eventful life before me, as if the movie reel had come undone from its canister. I think I had divine visitations from people long dead and some not see in a while, so I don't know if they're dead or not. I heard voices of angels asking if I was alright, and of demons passing snide comments from afar. At one point the cold enveloped my fever wrecked body with such force, as if the hand of Death wanted to wring the life out of me. Every muscle fiber twisted into malicious knots of pain, that I couldn't imagine enduring anything worse. God, I hate having the flu!

As I lay curled up in a heap, hacking my lung out, it dawned on me that I was at my ugliest, not just in appearance, but in behavior, temperament, attitude, in my entirety. To put up with me when I’m normal, not sick and in relative good cheer is hard enough. I know, because I’ve had to put up with me. But when I exude detestability at its heights, I can be a challenge to the Gods, to put is very mildly. Who would want to take care of, let alone tolerate a female exponentially twisted form of Gollum? And in that brief moment of brightness in an otherwise blitzed out mind of mine, it hit me like gravity hits a falling apple…people who truly love me.

Now, don’t get all excited, those numbers are literally countable on the fingertips of less than two hands, of which only one person is not related to me by blood, and she lives half way across the world. This has put things, my value, as I interpret it, into perspective. For the longest time, I had invested my time, caring, love, and all rosy emotional things on people, who, when it came right down to it, didn’t give a rat’s ass if I lived or died as long as their purpose was served. But those who’ve been beside me with absolutely no expectation other than my well being and happiness, however few they maybe, are the ones who make me feel better about myself. It finally boils down to blood and true friendship being thicker than bonds forged of legalities or happenstance.

Now that I’m back to normal, which is a relative term, I have taken it upon myself to look after those I love, starting with me. Because at the end of our lives, we only remember the people who made it worthwhile, loved and protected us, in sickness and in all forms of body art!

Men at work?

2011-10-01T08:05:00.000+05:30

God created the world in FIVE days! He then screwed it up on the sixth...by making Man! God made man in His image. That, in and of it self, says so much about God!! For, after He made man, He created woman....to rectify His mistake!

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against men. Men, in their own primeval way, have their use...till a woman finds the one she wants, then, nothing else matters. But, God did pull a fast one on us women! Look at nature. Nearly everything in nature has a 'male' connotation to it, look at the fruits and veggies you eat. And, when it comes to 'man-made' structures, well, think of the Washington Monument, Cleopatra's Needle, The Statue of David, The biggest Ball of Yarn.... you get the idea. Everything has been centered around men. Hell, even the world is round, and it definitely made many men proud!

When it comes to all things feminine (and before you ask...NO! I am not a feminist!), nearly everything includes the male of the species. Woman includes man. A Gynecologist and Proctologist do the same thing. Male and female, each completely different from the other, yet, neither one can exist without the other. That's where the problem lies. In a primarily male dominated world, where majority of the top jobs, pay checks, etc are held by men, women are fast realizing that we need to change this disparity. Okay. I'm going to get off my soap box before I give myself a nosebleed.

The purpose today, as it always is, is to complain. I have come to the conclusion that men are the root cause of all female problems, or at least mine. Take for example MENstruation. We bleed for days, without dying, a cycle which goes on for years. But the only time it stops, is when we're pregnant or going through MENopause. How fair is that? Menopause is another phase in life that I wish upon the male of our species. Yeah, I know....there's supposed to be a 'male' menopause, but seriously, does male menopause entail having hormonal shift so rampant and severe that I'm happy as pie one minute, ready to do the Cha Cha in the middle of the street, and the next minute, personally want to disembowel a staff member at the local grocery store for taking 2 minutes extra at the check out counter? I think NOT! Does male menopause require a complete shaving kit for hair you had no idea could grow in certain, sometimes, unknown places of your body? I think NOT! No, male menopause is easily dealt with, with a shiny new car, preferably a sporty convertible, and a younger 'model' who'll flatter you till the cows come home!

Women revolve their entire lives around the men in their lives, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands, sons, barely realizing that they,themselves, are the ones that matter most. Women, givers of life, beauty and bounty, often sell ourselves short, being what is expect of us, rather than being ourselves, being what we set out to be. I've been told in the past to 'be a lady'. What the pointers don't realize is that every woman is a lady in her own way. Every woman, when needed, will show poise, grit, strength, tenderness, bull-headedness, meekness, anger, hate, and love. Why? Because, unlike men, she possess all these qualities, and can bloody well use them!

My mother was right! (yes, ma I'll admit it!). I think I'm pre-MENopausal. So, I'm gonna go out and get me a motorbike, and a cabana boy!

Eulogy

2011-09-09T07:55:00.000+05:30

For the past few days I have been trying to write a eulogy, a remembrance of sorts, about a person who has impacted my life profoundly. But the right words seem to escape me.

How does one begin to thank a person who brought out my creative side?
How do I tell her, it was she who made me understand the true value of having three daughters?
How do I show my appreciation for a person who's sacrifices throughout her life taught me to live mine?
How do I express my gratitude to her for making me master the art of positive thinking?
How do I tell her that I am grateful for being able to recognize my own capabilities as a person, and those of others?
How do I acknowledge her role in my attitude towards the world?
How do I tell her that she was the one who made me realize what my path in life is to be?
How do I say that it was she who made me realize what family is truly supposed to be?
How do I tell her that she changed the way I perceived relationships?
How do I make known that I understand all she went through and tolerated in her life, but I refuse to make her mistakes?
How do I tell her that she was and is instrumental in my pursuit of happiness?

I missed my chance!

The MIL passed away a couple of weeks ago, making me realize life has so much to offer us. But how we face life, head on, depends solely on our attitude. Life is truly too short to throw away, doing things that don't make us happy with who we are, not knowing what love really is, or wallowing in the remnants of the past. MIL's life, and also her sudden demise, has taught me that no matter what each of us goes through during our own lifetime, we all finally end up the same way. The circle of life has to be complete. But during that precious time we are given, it is up to us how we draw our circle, and who, and what we include in it.

Thank you MIL for making me understand how I need to live MY life.

What I did in my summer vacation.

2011-07-05T22:34:00.000+05:30

Schools have started. And as my kids venture forth in their wonderful world of education, I was made to feel like the mother from hell when my oldest came home today.

Oldest child: Maa, I have to write an essay on what I did in my summer vacation.

Maa: Great, you're a good writer. (thinking...wonder where you get that from?)

Oldest child: Ya, but I didn't do anything this summer! We were stuck in day-care...remember?? You absolutely ruined our vacation!! Now I have nothing to write about!

Maa: Well, look on the bright side, at least you won't have to write as much as the other kids.

Yes, I totally ruined my kids summer vacation. But in all fairness, there had been no promises of exotic foreign escapades, or skiing in the Himalayas. No, I had made it perfectly clear, from two months before vacation started, that this vacation was all about me. The resistance had started from the minute I laid down the plan. There would be no trips to the zoo or museums. They could continue their usual activities like karate, swimming, skating and so on. But, the entire vacation would revolve around me. Unfair!! I hear you say. Well, life ain't fair...so deal with it!

For a month and a half my three angels endured the grueling routine of waking up early, only to be packed up and dumped in day-care, a task I truly hated doing. Every morning would be the same, filled with howling cries of "I don't want to go to day-care!! I hate that place!" Yet, I unrelentingly carted them off under influence of bribes, that were all made good on, and sometimes threats of dire consequences*. And at the end of the day I would bring them back only to feed them and shove them out of the house, to play. The curfew was extended from 7.30pm to an unthinkable 9pm, something that still makes me shiver.

And what was I doing, while my children were couped up in a room with activities that could numb every nerve fiber? Or out galavanting in the summer heat, unsupervised?

Giving examinations for the first year of my Master's program.

I'd been warned that studying with kids is difficult, with very little time for actual studying. But my kids helped me through a tough, sometimes whiny, and many a times emotional summer. If it hadn't been for their effort and sincere desire to help me, I don't think I'd have been able to accomplish such an immense task. They've been nothing short of troopers to see me through the last month of intense study, 6 papers, 2 practical exams and a karate exam, to top it. I know, I've been unfair to the kids, but believe me, they're getting their money's worth out of me, and have 3 pending vacations that they have already planned out.

Now lets hope my results are as fantastic as my kids are.

* Threats of dire consequences: "Do you want mommy to fail her exams? Sob! Sob!"

Learning Curve

2011-05-20T07:53:00.000+05:30

I feel old, not as an extension of my physiological age, no, that would qualify me for retirement any time soon. I feel vulnerably old, psychologically. Eighteen no longer does the chronological wonders it used to, even in my form hugging size 4 jeans. My Medulla Oblongata seems to have shriveled up to form a sizable disconnect from my cerebrum and the rest of my body. Yeah! I'm stressed!

Last year I enrolled myself into a Master's program, you know, coz I had nothing better to do, and needed to fill the empty hours I was wiling away. Although a distance learning course, the amount of work required seems colossal. Nights are spent staring at pages of familiar information, which seems to need extra effort to assimilate and coherently re-verbalize. I know, I'm using big words too. Why does it feel like I'm struggling to keep up with something that would have been effortless in my youth? Too many extra-curricular activities? (as my father put it). Nah, he obviously missed my teenage years!

Learning is a constant, however trivial. But, isn't too much learning detrimental to one's health? At the moment my learning curve probably looks like a straight line, with very limited knowledge being retained for further use. I wish it was information overload, but apparently it's stress mingled with pre-menopausal hormones (diagnosed by my mother), and a desperate need to be on a year long vacation on my own. Maybe, I'll learn something new on the vacation! Time management may well be an issue, as I juggle school with kids, work, Karate, and the goddess from hell. But it was brought to my attention that I seem to have enough time to read non-educational material, bake cakes, sit at the computer for hours, galavant with friends till the wee hours of the morning, without breaking a sweat. Damn! I could blame it on the usefulness of the topics I'm supposed to be learning, but, I'm sure they have their place and importance with other students going through the same grind. Perhaps, the apathy rises from my complacency of being habituated with what I've known for so long, that change instills a feeling of fear of failure. Holy crap!! What??

Well, learn I will, even if I have to physically join the ends of my learning curve together. The socks are being pulled up, the glasses are being pushed back. For the cumulative can't dos & won't dos, there is only one reason to keep going.... my progress, my success, my betterment! (okay, that was 3 reasons).

But hey, the biggest push comes when my kids tell their friends, 'Our mom goes to school too.'

Horrible Housewife!!

2011-05-07T07:37:00.000+05:30

I know I'm late celebrating, but honestly I haven't been in much of a mood. Yes, it's that time of the year again. No, not taxes, that's much too exciting. It's been 3 years since I had this baby, and as I've seen it grow over time. I have this uncanny feeling that I too have grown with it. This blog has seriously helped me unleash the dormant monster in me that I knew existed but was too scared to let loose on the world. But hey, you can't save every one. So with that spirit I shall continue the pursuit of bringing to you the gory snippets of my interesting life.

Over the years I have been called many things, most of them not repeatable for the fear of being obscene. The list, however, just grew as my limited skill sets become more apparent to those around me. Let's, for the sake of fun and clarity, review some of my past triumphs.

I have been the unwaivering bitch to those whose points of view I contest. Although this has been a constant feature of my personality, the number of people joining the opinion poll seems to be growing. Being malicious is not a trait I identify with, and will not stoop to that level. However, being a bitch qualifies me to have a good time, and still piss the hell out of people who don't have the balls enough to join me.
I have been touted to be the Daughter-in-law from 'hell and then some'! This one is a matter of (one) personal opinion, which invariably over-qualifies me to be a bitch. What can I say? Some of are just borne to stardom!
Now to my personal favorite. The world's worst cook. Yes, after slogging and slaving in front of a hot stove, providing nutritious meals to the family, all I get in return are derogatory comments and sometimes looks of pure disgust. So I have come up with a solution...don't cook! One man's rubbish is another man's gold, so go find your own gold (or rubbish, as the case may be).
I haven't been openly called this, but you can always get the vibes. Monster wife! I think this stems off from the total bitch and DIL from hell thing, but I can't be sure, since 'he who will not be named' is smart enough to preserve his still remaining functional body parts.
Bad Mommy! Oh yeah! I have often been labelled the bad mother as my parenting skills include, but are not limited to, playing with my children, many a times in a rough boisterous manner that makes my girls tougher, pushing my kids to do things that most mothers would avoid making their girls do (contact sports, oration, and the likes), refusing to let their hair grow out...coz it looks terrible, screaming & shouting or being extremely openly lovey dovey with them in public. Yes people, I am the mother from the other side of hell, who doesn't believe in pestering her children to do their homework, will let them figure out how to deal with stupid people on their own, and who lets them swim by themselves. I have been told time and time again that my parenting skills, or lack thereof, won't help my kids, that is probably the reason each one of my three girls is top of her class, excels in her chosen sport, and can speak her mind regardless of who stands in front of her. Me, bad mommy!!

The above have been labels unfairly pinned on my early twenty-ish frame, and I, in all honesty, used to resent it till I figured...people are always judgmental and avoid the truth if inconvenient to them. But the new label is something I don't think I am in a position to contest.

I was dumped earlier this month for a younger and better model. Inevitable I suppose. I had hoped that all I had put into the relationship would have made it last, but it was not meant to be. The dependence I had on this being, had made me so complacent that till the day it happened, I kept fooling my self into a false sense of security. Then I was left...all by myself!! This experience did bring out the glaring fact that I am incapable of doing certain things, of keeping things in order as they should be, of juggling 10,000 things simultaneously and looking like Angelina Jolie while doing it. Things fall apart, but I had no idea they would instantly.

I hate my maid for leaving me and making me the horrible housewife!

Where's my Brad Pitt?

No Contest

2011-03-31T10:57:00.000+05:30

The sky was ablaze last night with the light of fireworks. If viewed from space it would have triggered an inter galactic war with other life forces who have been avoiding us thus far. The unearthly phenomenon would have been seen only in India. No, it wasn't Diwali, the festival of lights, nor was it Independance day, both of which don't get the same respect as yesterday recieved.

Yesterday was the semi-final cricket match between India and Pakistan. What? you say? For all my non cricketing readers, cricket is a game that has 11 grown men whacking a hard cork ball, capable of splintering a skull open, with a bat, only to have another 11 grown men chase the damn thing as if their life depended on it. In yesterday's game, each player's did. Politically there is no blood lost between these two countries, who up until 61 years ago shared the same history, geography and biology. But then broke up like a bad marriage. Yes they are neighbours and for the most part, cordial ones. But when these two nations face off in a cricket match, the entire region of the southern continent comes to a screeching halt.

For one of the most productive countries in the world, with an economy that is running ahead of the rest, India came to a stand still yesterday afternoon. The streets were devoid of cars and even the traffic police took the day off, leaving the few misdemeanors to fend for themselves. The streets all over the country were empty, as the majority of the 1 billion population stayed indoors or glued to a TV screen near them. We could have had Godzilla, Predator, and every other unimaginable monsters come wreck havoc in our cities, and the collective response would have been ' Hold up! Sachin's batting". Most chartered flight were operating only in the direction of Mohali, where the match was underway. Yes, India was a haven yesterday, for all things cricket.

Today, as the cricketing high starts to subside and life returns to 'normal', there is only a weak buzz in anticipation of the Cricket World Cup Final match up between Sri Lanka and India, because for all needs and purposes, India has won the only match worth playing...against Pakistan.

Now, imagine if we were still one country...we'd have no contenders.

Toilets in reptile house!

2011-02-20T13:35:00.000+05:30

I,I...see stupid people! (voice over: Hailey Joel Osmond from The Sixth Sense)

We went to the zoo yesterday. Two hours of undulating road, through the heart of the Indian capital, on foot, to look at caged animals is a feat, but to do it with three hyper monkeys, a senile sloth, and a grumpy gorilla is an undertaking of the Gods. I am not particularly fond of zoos. The concept of caging animals for the viewing pleasure of humans seems just as misguided as placing toilets in the reptile house. But alas, the things we put up with for our children!

The day was spent looking at different species of animals. The monkeys (the caged ones), seem to enjoy watching my cackling brood as they meted out their version of monkey behavior. The crocodiles and alligators looked like they had been frozen (or maybe stuffed) and my only option for finding out if they were real, was to throw them something to eat...but I am against cruelty to animals. The mid-morning monotonous air was regularly interrupted with the roar of the only lion of the zoo. A magnificent creature prowling a 4 x 6 cage, really pissed at something. The two elephants of the facility offered only their rear ends for view, making it difficult to differentiate (for my kids) who was Indian and who was African. To me, one ass is the same as another! The bears, the giraffes, the tigers, the dogs, looked as lazy as I felt. The hours seem to crawl by at a devastatingly slow pace.

Now back to the beginning. People, especially stupid ones, irk me to no end. The zoo is supposed to be a sanctuary for animals. But how on earth or other wise are these animals safe in cages, when dimwitted idiots throw things in?
Imagine for a minute, a beautiful Jaguar basking in the sun. It's glossy coat all a shimmer, it's breathing barely audible, it's eyes closed in sweet slumber. Enter left, 4 physically grown men, with the combined mental ability of a brick, brandishing a plastic bottle. They then proceed to scrape the bottle on the Jaguar cage, waking him up. The big feline, now excited, tries to paw at the bottle, so the morons throw it in. The cat pounces on the newly acquired chew toy and gives a performance for the onlooking cheering crowd. And I seem to be the only outraged person around. What a ditz!!

Is it just me who thinks this is totally wrong? I ain't a saint but I definitely am not cruel, and this is one for human cruelty books (as if caging animals wasn't bad enough). At times like these I just want to slap some civic sense into people, but then one must always remember; common sense isn't as common as we think! It's places like the zoo that really bring out the pinnacle of stupidity in people.

I leave you with just a couple of examples.

Empty Canvas

2011-02-17T10:53:00.000+05:30

Call me crazy. Hey, I heard that! I seem to have found another way of pissing people off. It's easy when you understand how.

I have harbored a, not so secret, desire, for what feels like years. Some could interpret it as a juvenile need to lash out. But honestly, at my age, it's probably more a middle-aged need to lash out. To think a nice, docile, down to earth kinda lady like myself (Stop Laughing!!) could even contemplate something of this magnitude will shock the pants off many people. But alas, that is the way of being adamant.

I have given the matter much thought. Thought of the immediate and long term repercussions of my intended actions. What would my children think of me? Would I be able to explain my long researched, ambitious undertaking to those who matter? Would I be able to look my self in the mirror and be proud? Well, my kids have to live with the realization that their mom is now old enough to make decisions for herself. Since the undertaking is pretty well researched, convincing those who matter should be a cake walk. However, if they refuse to see it my way... suck it up and live with it! And as for me looking at myself in the mirror, that shouldn't be a problem, since I plan to put it behind me immediately.

Yes, I'm ready. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can take such a daring step. From what I've read, many women have taken the leap forth, although some have regretted it. But what is life if you don't try things at least once! It's now or never, or maybe in a few months, but my mind is set. I no longer have qualms about doing what I choose to do, perhaps because the ultimate consequences have to be borne by me and no one else. The scardy cat in me has now transformed into a fighting tiger. So, mom and dad, always remember, I am still the same little girl with the gurgling laugh, the same beautiful child who gave you grief. This decision will not change me.

Like they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! And, a tattoo will not kill me...or will it?

KAK

2011-01-24T23:09:00.000+05:30

My body is, now, a temple...an ancient one. The graffiti of bruises, the cracked pillars of bone, the infallible construction of muscle, all a testament to the grueling devotion I have undertaken for the last year. I am passionate about very few things, mostly because things don't hold my interest for more than my six year old's ability to do math (2 minutes, yeah, she's good!). But to find an art form, a science, a skill that has me enthralled and coming back for more is truly inspirational.

It has been a year, almost to the day, that I embarked on what I thought would be an activity that would, if nothing else, keep me engaged with my children for an hour, three times a week. Well, I was wrong! The kids have found it tiresome, sometimes down right irritating to see my growing enthusiasm for an activity that was meant for their learning. To add to their woes, I also introduced a reluctant friend to the fun, who in turn, dragged her child in. Now a year later, the not so lush grounds of our apartment complex are taken over by 10 children (preteen) and 2 women, past their mid-thirties, engaged in a cacophony of Hoos and Has, dedicated to improving their skills in Karate.

Yes, you read right! Karate! We have all traversed the mediocre to the not so bad levels, achieving accolades on the way. Every class is a schedule made for a mortal combat training movie, with the main character (me) being beaten up just enough to survive the stretcher. The kids love that, especially mine. But I have come to realize that with each punch, block and kick I become more enthusiastic, many a times, to my own detriment. I have watched the other participants for signs of 'throwing in the belt', but most are just as crazed as me.

My partner in karate, in all honesty, was expected to drop out first, months ago, but has been nothing but the Great Wall of China. Her unwavering determination to regularly attend class and also ensure her daughter learns, finally paid off, when she punched a man for misbehaving with her children. The fact that she punched the miscreant isn't really worth the mention. The feeling of being in command, fearless, and showing her protective prowess, however, have made her a hero in my eyes. I am not a fighter by nature, and I know for a fact that neither is she, but to take a step in that direction for the right cause and not back down, is commendable. Her action has encouraged her daughter to take up Karate more seriously, and I think, that is reward enough.

So, as I start my second year of strengthening not just my body but also my mind, in an endeavor which was first ill received, I know for sure that even when I move on from this place to my next abode, there will be those who carry the torch forward. Now I just have to figure out why I pay to get my ass kicked in public on a regular basis, and still love it. Oh! because it's Kick Ass Karate.

2011 Things to do

2011-01-03T10:23:00.000+05:30

Before jumping into what could possibly be the most thought out list of things I've ever come up with (in my opinion), I must first thank all those who read my thoughts, however inappropriate, crazy, delusional they may be. It would seem I'm more of an exhibitionist than I thought. Hey, if it makes me try harder to be better, it's worth it. So, thank y'all!

Second, this year, after much deliberation, I have come to the realization that keeping resolutions is just a waste of time, especially if you're anything like me, and practice the art of procrastination with the type of expertise that only the dead can match. It's not to say I didn't fulfill most of my resolutions last year, I actually did, except maybe the screaming one, although in all fairness I have toned down enough to stop legislative action from construction company next door. Oh, and I may have gone a little overboard with the 'tolerate stupid people' one, which has changed with immediate effect. All in all, not a bad year last year. I am now capable of kicking ass, or at least pretending to, while conversing in Espagnol with the fluency of a babbling baby. But this year I have no resolutions.... only a list of things I need to do.

I'm not going to bore you with all 2011 things I'm aiming to do, that would be like an imposition, besides, my typing speed sucks. The list is divided into 5 categories and here are the top takers of each.

1. Quit smoking. Before all ye nay sayers start with the 'Oh it's not going to happen, it's so hard', I am only aware of the consequences of failure...so GET OFF MY BACK!!

2. Ask for help with investing. My 'wealth management' skills are directly proportional to my risk taking ability and rests on the alpha of my funds availability. Exactly!!

3. Write. I know, I know. that's what I'm doing right now, but what I'm talking about is writing what I really want to write about.......I'll come to that later!

4. Gain some peace of mind. In other words... stop putting up with other people's bullshit. I refuse to even differentiate between morons and megamorons.

5. Be explicitly honest. Someone wise once said 'tell the truth, and run!'. I for one don't plan to run...I know karate!

Whatever 2011 may bring in its wake, you'd better be sure, I'm ready and meeting it head on. Wish you all a year that you want.

@)!)!

2010-12-26T13:33:00.000+05:30

2010! What a year it's been!

A year of love, of love lost.
A year of accolades and accusations.
A year of joyous togetherness, of pained separations.
A year of learning and being taught.
A year of devilish day-dreams and; ghoulish nightmares
A year planning, of realizations.
A year of Facebook, of facing the book
A year of finding myself and; losing completely
A year of serene moments filled with anger
A year of drama with a silent audience
A year of violence, touched with care
A year of highs and; hangovers
A year of midnight messages, of mid-morning calls
A year of being brain-washed and coming out clean
A year of confused emotions, of decisive action
A year of connecting with old friends and; making new enemies
A year of flowing poetry, of blocked prose
A year of unbridled laughter, of unrelenting tears
A year of true friendship and; undeniable devotion
A year of playing games with no winners
A year of losing battles, of fighting wars
A year of being vain, but finding true beauty
A year contemplating and concluding
A year counselling and; being advised
A year of emotional deficiencies and logical growth
A year of learning new trick, but being the same old bitch
A year of have nots and can't get enough of
A year being a scardy-cat, but still coming out strong
A year of having faith, of breaking promises
A year of feeling close while being dejected
A year of numbered letters and letters read
A year of rumor mills and flowers grown
A year of inception with no results
A year of wanting, then giving it away
A year of looking at the past and seeing the future
A year of self discovery, of the capabilities I never knew I had
A year of figuring out the meaning of life, only to realize it's written in a different language
A year of understanding what I need to do

2010! A year etched in my memory....forever!

Two Faced Dragon!

2010-11-18T19:27:00.000+05:30

And you thought I was dead! Fat chance! I'm just slowly being crushed by the weight of the world, but that's for another post. This one is for those who judge without knowing.

I am interested in a lot of things in life but astronomy isn't really one of them. That is until recently. Not too long ago I was called 'Two Faced' for being born when I was. Now, being born isn't by choice. I did not choose to be born when I did, that was purely my parent's fault. But the fact remains, I was born a Gemini. I saw the collective 'Oh, that explains it.' However, as per my limited knowledge, there are a few million people who have the (mis)fortune of being born in the same Sun Sign. So, the question is: does that categorically put all the eggs in one basket or are any of us individuals?

So to quench my thirst for the absurd, I embarked on some research. Nothing too in-depth, since even I have a limited tolerance for stupidity. What I learned was ambiguous to say the least.

The Gregorian Calender is split into twelve signs...the Sun Signs. Based on the general signs & symptoms (of personalities), each sign is chalked out into various traits that a person born in that sign could exhibit. As per the most famous authority on the subject, Linda Goodman, Geminis exhibit dual personalities, are vivacious, harbor dark secrets, and can love & hate the same person at the same time (or was it love to hate? Should have finished the chapter. Damn!) For me, I am not bipolar, can be moody as hell, have no secrets from people who matter, and, Damn! should have finished the chapter.

On the other spectrum, the Chinese Calender is also split into twelve signs, but nothing as fancy as Sagittarius, Capricorn, or Aquarian. The Chinese have appropriately named their moon based signs after animals, which makes for funny reading. But, like the ancient Greeks, the Chinese have also generalized each sign's characteristics to ... counter the population problem. I am, according to the Chinese, a Dragon. A person who exhibits leadership, is strong of will, and will always stand by what they believe. I kind of like that, but then comes the dramatic picture of the world being over-run by Dragon people. Dictatorial, don't you think?

The Hindu religion's basis for astrological readings of a person is a little more specific, based on the time & place of birth, along with the family descent, and a few other things I couldn't keep my eyes open for. This is supposed to be quite specific, but after knowing some of my readings, it looked like shooting arrows in the dark. I am, according to my reading, a non-violent person. True, till you piss me off. I am closer to the opposite sex. That would explain why I've had three male cats as pets. That should give you a fair idea about how accurate this science can be.

No astrological reading, from any part of the world, can pin-point a person's personality or character. None can determine the exact path you will tread in your future or the choices you are given. No sign can tell you how to live your life. That is where the individual comes in. Each one of us determines our own course, no matter how good, bad or ugly it may be. No two lives are the same.

So to judge me based on when I was born is sheer ignorance in getting to know me. For I am more than a two-faced dragon. I am ME!

Questions??

2010-09-14T10:17:00.000+05:30

Networking sites are awesome! You can do things that go beyond the realm of just getting connected with friends. One of my favorite applications is 'How well do you know .....?" quizzes. Considering most of my friends I'm connected with have been childhood friends, who (for many) I've not seen since, well childhood, it's always difficult to get an answer right. But hey what the heck, it's always worth a try, you'll never know what you learn about a person. So, in the same spirit I have, after much deliberation, concocted my own quiz, about myself (duh!). As readers, you are not obligated to answer. In fact, I really wouldn't advise it, probably because getting a straight answer on some of the questions may not be possible. But don't let me discourage you!

How well do you know... me?

1. How old am I? anyone who answers my chronological age wins this one.

2. Have I ever done anything bad to someone deliberately? Family is not allowed to answer this.

3. Why do I get the feeling most people I come in contact with, are out to get me?

4. Am I hormonally, psychologically or just emotionally challenged?

5. What's my favorite lingerie color?

6. Who's my bestest friend in the whole wide world?

7. Why do I feel ill-equipped to handle things?

8. Who can I blame (other than myself) for all the shit that happens in my life?

9. When will I become rich & famous? Must reflect date in the very near future.

10. What are my bad habits? Please limit to top 3.

11. How many new activities can I take up, simultaneously, to keep myself from leading a normal life?

12. Why do I feel really girlie-girlie every once in a while?

13.Who is my favorite superhero? Think bulging muscles, under extremely tight spandex, cropped at the right places.

14. Why can't people understand that I'm actually a nice person under a very fierce exterior?

15. When do I know I've grown up to raise my kids? Again, mom & dad...do not answer.

16. When will time travel be possible? Sorry...always wanted to know.

17. Do I ever get to spend time on an island with my cabana boys?

18. Will I ever be demanding enough to live my life on my terms?

19. Is it just me or does every one think I'm absolutely perfect? Be honest now!

20. What made you sit through this crap & even contemplate answering these questions?

Answer key:

A. yes

B. no

C. I don't know

D. I don't give a crap!

Now, let the game begin!

How do you feel today?

2010-09-03T17:44:00.000+05:30

When I was 13, someone gifted me a poster with smiley faces (emoticons as they are called today) and the caption read "How do you feel today?" I thought, at that time, it was the cutest (don't use that word too often) thing ever. Every morning I'd get up and stare at the poster plastered on my wall, wondering "How do I want to feel today?" At that age, and most of the time growing up, the answer was nearly always 'Happy'. But as I transversed into adulthood, those emoticons needed some serious revamping.

Every e-mail or networking site have their version of the the smiley face characters to suit peoples' moods, but none of them include the real emotions that I've been feeling. I guess technology can only mimic humans to a certain extent, or maybe it's been kept away from the darker, more turbulent side of the human psyche, which may be a good thing (think terminator!)

But as I sit here trying to put my emotions into words, I wish there were emoticons to pictorially show what I feel. I want those computer geeks, sitting in their secluded wired rooms, to come up with something that really suits my mood. I want an emoticon for 'I feel euphoric and never want this feeling to end!' Would that be a colon followed by a double or triple D (:DDD)? But that just wouldn't do justice to the feeling of singing in the rain or flying through a night sky on a magic carpet, would it? How about one for 'I feel like trying something new today. (wink!!)'? I just visualized that one, and honestly, having a smiley face dipicting that mood just totally undermined it. And is there nothing in the emoticon world that can convey ' I feel like I achieve anything!'? As inept as I am in doing most things, there are certain times when a girl feels like she's done some good in her life and can continue it without a doubt.

Then again, where are the icons that say 'I feel like shit today'? I don't get up everyday ready to take on the world and fly through my life as if on a lark and a song. I do have my off days. My hair's a constant mess, my mood swings like a monkey in heat, and I get up ... feeling like shit! What about an icon for ' I wanna kick someone's ass'? More often than not, that's the feeling I've been living with. This icon would have to symbolize the emotion between anger and murder. What about one for 'I feel so lost and want to jump off the nearest cliff''? No, these are not suicidal thoughts, just a feeling of complete hopelessness when things I've tried so hard to achieve or do for others come to naught.

We've all been there, going through a myriad of emotions in a day that only seem to get numerous and sometimes deeper in times of trouble or when everything is more than hunky dory. So why can't the cyber world, that most of us now live in, emulate those? I suppose that's the beauty of being human. We all feel, however hard assed one may think they are. Yet every one of us shows 'their' emotions in their own way. And everyone's interpretation of someone else's emotion is based on personal perception. Wouldn't it be a dull world if we all felt the same thing at the same time?

Now that makes me feel almost human! ;)PD*

BFF!!

2010-08-01T21:42:00.000+05:30

It's Friendship Day. So I thought I'd write something for those people who've managed to make my 'friend' list and have actually stuck with me.

YOU...

You are the one who made fun of me, knowing full well I could have snapped back
You are the one who listened to me complain about how life's a Bitch
You are the one who laughed with me, knowing full well some of the things I said were really stupid
You are the one who pushed me to do things I had no idea I was capable of
You are the one who let me be the crazy girl, without prejudice, without a second thought
You are the one who let me get drunk, but drove me back home
You are the one who held me when I cried with misery, anger or just plain frustration
You are the one who let me throw up and pass out on a lawn to teach me a lesson
You are the one who sat up all night studying with me
You are the one who calls up just to say 'Hi'
You are the one who were willing to eat my experimental cooking and survived to tell the tale
You are the one who never held back your criticism when you knew it was due
You are the one who shared your life with me, making me feel important
You are the one who stoked my ego, but kept me grounded
You are the one who heard me contemplate big life changing decisions, letting me make them on my own
You are the one who applauded me when I did something worthwhile
You are the one who took pictures of me that could make a load of cash on the net
You are the one whose picture I have in my heart
You are the one who talked me out of utter stupidity
You are the one who lent me money and never asked for it back
You are the one I got angry with, but ran back to because ....of you
You are the one who I would do just about anything for
You are the one who taught me how to love someone without expectation, stand beside someone through thick and thin, be who I am today.
You are the one who makes me feel I'm loved beyond measure.

You all know who you are. Thank you.

Anatomy of Anger

2010-07-30T23:47:00.000+05:30

The Webster's Dictionary defines anger as 'a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.' What that basically means is that someone or something pisses you off and you blow your top (in varying degrees). But Webster's got it wrong! Anger, if you really think about it, is not really a feeling, a feeling of strong displeasure yes, but it is not the actual feeling. Anger is ultimately a reaction to a strong feeling, almost always, of displeasure. What sets people apart is their perception of that negative feeling, and perhaps the degree with which they display their reaction.

The manifestation of anger is the final point of no return, where the perceived displeasure is so overwhelming that the person under the influence (of anger) expresses those emotions externally, be it to a person or a situation, and it's never a pretty sight. Anger in any form, expressed or bottled up, is never contained to only the intended victim, it's aggressive spread is far reaching.

So, what's that got to do with me? I'm the coolest person you'll ever meet (exponentially exaggeratedly speaking). But what I am is a very angry person, bottled up in a body that can't do anything about it, well, except scream at people and things that rub me the wrong way. Lately, however, I've noticed that the rubbing doesn't even have to be the wrong way! It doesn't take me too long to be emotionally embroiled into a situation that invariably results in the Mount Vesuvius type explosion. The situation on the other hand doesn't have to be proportional to the explosive display. No, it could be as trivial as I can't find my shoe, and WHAM!! the neighbors are treated to decibel levels even the construction company next door can't match.

I've always been a temper challenged person, always voicing my verbose opinions with a passionate fervor that few could match. Tears of conviction streaming down my cheeks, my stance poised to delivery precise lethal damage to whom so ever dare challenge, and my voice pitched to break glass if the need ever arose. That was teenage. Now, the tears have dried up, the stance is deadlier and sometimes used, and the voice hoarse from broken glass, but the anger is still there, growing, as if fed by an invisible force I can't seem to run away from or fight.

The worse part is, half the time I don't know why I'm so angry! I start out with very innocent intentions, entering every situation or conversation with a clean slate. Keeping my mind open for something new that may come my way, to absorb, to learn. Most benign situations pass off without incidence, but the ones that involve people who bring out the (what was it that Webster's said?) strong feeling of displeasure, more often than not feel the intensity of the wrath. Many a times the people to face the onslaught of emotional upheaval are either innocent (mostly due to their age(s)), or weren't even involved. To make matters worse, I know I'm wrong in subjecting said person(s) to my disturbed mind, and end up feeling angrier, making a possibly controllable situation totally lost. It's this ability to screw up incessantly, the feeling of some deep rooted insecurity, inadequacy, low self-esteem, or just plain stupidity that drives me over the edge. It would be absolutely legit if this was because of someone else, but all these feeling dwell inside me, making it a bitter pill to swallow.

My math has been less than passable since I can remember, but if I were to calculate the ratio of situations (volatile or non-volatile) to outbursts (warranted or not), it would be 2:1.5. That's a 75% strike rate (again according to my math), which, as per many, well known neurologists, cardiologists, psychoanalysts, is already 4 1/2 feet into my grave.
According to (here again I must confess limited knowledge) many beauty magazines frowning and anger (which leads to frowning) adds years to the face by creating unseemly lines on the face, making one look 45, as opposed to the desired 26 (real age unknown).
If I were to ask my family and friends what they thought of my temper tantrums, they'd probably vote to put me on some strong medications. But to myself, I feel scary, not in the Freddy Cougar way, but more in the Chucky way, where i'm supposed to be a positive influence on those around me, am supposed to be fun, nice, bestower of love; but turn out to be a demon who has no clue why the hell she's being mean, horrible and angry (although in a cute body). I feel ugly, knowing full well that every time I yell, or get even slightly angry, my face contorts to resemble a shriveled prune. But worst of all I see, feel the hurt in the people I get angry with, the sometimes irreversible damage I cause, and hate myself for it.

I don't want to be angry all the time! That's not who I am, that's not who I'm meant to be. I wish I could say I've tried and exhausted all remedial methods, but I'd be lying. I thought of yoga, but the slow pace ticks me off even more. Karate helps a bit, but only to put a violent edge to the anger. I think I'm looking for something. What? I'm not sure, but not getting it, or achieving it leaves me in an uncontrollable flux. I do know this, I'd better reign in my barking dog, before I put myself down an ugly, aged, miscalculated fool!

Who am I?

2010-06-21T13:41:00.000+05:30

Its that time of the year, again! As I 'grow' another year older in age, emotion, and wisdom (hopefully), I've found myself reflecting on my existence. I've been often told to carry out this exercise in the past, but introspection has eluded my attention (as limited as it is), probably for the simple reason: why would I want to dwell on all my faults, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, fears, or for that matter even my strengths; when they are on blatant display for all who know me? But for the last year or more I've noticed myself change from the kind of person i used to be...hoping for better results, but probably not even coming close. So, the question...Who am I?

I am a lot of things to a lot of people. I am like any other woman, a daughter, wife, daughter in law, mother, sister, a counselor, a listener, a talker, a fighter, and yes a cry baby (when the occasion calls for it). But sometime along that path I think I've lost sight of who I am to myself. I am still the confident woman I started out as, but that has translated into a growing fear that I'm incapable of doing things I used to be able to and things that are new to me. Being able to learn a new task or skill used to be effortless, but as the age has crept on I find I'm stuck in sometimes mundane tasks, without the urge of learning newer skills. My learning curve over the years has taken a nose dive, of which I'm not proud, and plan to rectify.

Efficiency was my middle name, until I changed my address, then it just became 'lump'. I've often been complained about...(nothing new to the complainers) that I used to be able to do everything and still had time for fun. Now, fun is getting into bed at 10.30pm and passing out. In retrospect, I agree with most of my critics, I no longer have the same panache, the boldness and possibly, exuberance as I did at 18, but way back then, I never had the kind of understanding, maturity and determination I do today. So i think I'm kinda evened out over the years.

But the biggest personality trait I seem to have an issue with is my attitude, which, from what I've been told, hasn't changed at all. After all the psychoanalysis and free therapy sessions I've had over the years, the consensus has been more or less the same...I have colossal ego problems that project my attitude as a snob, don't care what people think, superiority complex that makes it near impossible for me to deal with people who I deem not at par with me (which would be nearly everyone). But the fact are actually different. I'm not a snob. I have an innate fear of people. Human beings are the only unpredictable creatures on this planet, who for no apparent reason could turn against the ones they love. I fear that I would be the hurter as much as the hurtee if I let my overtly enthusiastic personality take rampage. As for the don't give a shit what people think, is, I believe, an extension of the fear of people. Use of negative psychology as a defense mechanism: if I don't care what they (general public) think; they wont be able to affect my life negatively.

As for the superiority complex thing, I gotta agree! I'm good at the things I do (however limited), and not really good at taking advice from anyone, unless they have an established track record of doing the same thing better than me (even then I'm usually skeptical). I don't easily relinquish my authority to anyone without having confidence that whatever damage may occur can be handled with ease. I admit this has lately been my greatest stress factor, which I have to learn to handle better. The only visible solution is to give up my crown and let someone else be a part of the situations I face on a day to day basis.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am as vulnerable as the next person. The facade of being superwoman is just that, an act. I am confused as to which direction I'm heading, if I'm moving at all....a possible extension of my driving skills. But most of all, as with every human, I find I crave acknowledgement, however small, in the things I do from the people who matter.

I am still the bold, daring, caring, mostly eccentric person from eons ago, with a dash of forthrightness, temperamental rudeness, tougher than steel stance and a tongue that could pierce armor. But over the years I have managed to figure out that i am what I am, and who I am is a person loved.

Hookies & Salsa

2010-06-14T16:55:00.000+05:30

All of us have fond memories from our pasts, no matter how uninteresting we thought they were back then. But not many memories are made without other people being a part of them, at least not for me. When I reminisce about my pre-college, or college days, a flood of faces follows, each one reminding me of a crazy incidence or conversation that took place in a certain time and space in the past. Those memories came gushing back last weekend as I made a long awaited, much anticipated trip to Bangalore, after 14 years, to catch up with a select few memory makers of my life past.

The last 14 years have been a whirlwind for me, moving from one place to the next, meeting new people, doing newer and more exciting things. Through this all I've always wondered how my friends, who shared some of the most precious moments in my life, were doing? A part of me also wanted to know if life had treated them as kindly as it had treated me so far, how much had these women (i was in an all girls college) changed from what I remember? Would we be the same as we used to be together? I think when we picture reunions, a little part in everyone wants to know if the others in the group are still the same physically as they used to be ( the vanity demon strikes!!)

I met a number of friends from where I used to live and from college. My weekend was doused in alcohol, and filled with infectious laughter, unrestricted swearing, not always fond recollections of things done in the past (some that would never be done again), pouring over pictures that reminded us all of a carefree time we made full use of (some more than others), and some much needed tears for the things done or left unsaid back then. But the key fact i realized from the weekend was that the last 14 years had changed us all. Yes, some of us have gotten fatter! (I can say that without the fear of prosecution.) But the overall change I saw was awesome. Here were some of my closest girl friends, who had emerged from the cocooned life we all lived in our teenage years, to be beautiful, strong, resilient women. I met women who were no longer naive in their view of life, who had experienced the real joys and pangs of what life had to offer us, who had now grown into forces in their own right.

The two days left me dehydrated, and high, but most of all proud that I had known these people and called them my friends. It's rare to find people who think the way you do and even if they don't, give you the unconditional support to do your own thing and be your own person. The funny part was I felt exactly the same after all these years with these ladies, and knew it would be the same for a long time to come. I just hope the next time we all meet is before we hit menopause. I would not want to be a fly on the wall during a meeting of hormonally challenged middled aged women!

So with a happy, hopeful heart I say to my old friends; I loved meeting you all after such a long time, and promise we'll make the next time even better and just a bit longer.

Letter to my mother

2010-05-08T22:23:00.000+05:30

Dear Ma,

It's been years since I wrote you a letter....probably as many as my age. So, I thought I'd pen a few words about you, for you, and to you. The fact that you're my mother, sister and best friend isn't the topic of discussion in this letter. Neither are the facts that I always felt as loved and protected with the mere thought of you (when you weren't around), or that I love you dearly and have never known a more beautiful woman, a part of this letter. If you don't know this by now then you're crazy, and we can't have two crazy people in the same family (not talking about you dad).

No, this letter is going to tell you all the things I hate about you. The things that make be mad as hell and cringe with fright.

I hate your hips. Oh, on you they look fine (could lose a little off the edges though). It's the fact that I've inherited them and it takes me forever to keep them in even the slightest of decent shape, that I can't stand. Your eyesight! Can't stand the fact you can't see even an inch in front of your face without your glasses, but can see into the depths of my soul, without my being anywhere near you. I detest your intuition. You would always know when I needed you, though I tried to hide the fact, even from across the world. Your sense of smell is demonic! Every time I'd had a smoke you'd know, even before I entered the house.

Your dirty mind is one for a museum. Honestly, the things you've taught me could get even the darkest man red in the face with embarrassment. I think we can safely blame your mother for that one. You're crazy methods of relaxation make me want to crawl into the nearest hole, not because they work, but because they're too damned crazy not to. I hate your diplomatic ability, which has turned some of my worst moments bearable. I detest the fact you can teach anyone and anything (the cat) to do what you bid. I still remember scaring the daylights out of your tuition student, but you made him an honor student in his school. Your talent for all things artistic really irks me to no end, since I'm challenged in that arena.

I particularly can't stand your patience. It drives me nuts. You'd never lose sight of your goal, even when you were screaming and shouting at us, and always persisted, relentlessly, to achieve them (especially the goal to get me to behave). I abhor your tolerance, not only because you've accepted a whole load of crap thrown at you in your life with a smile, but because you always taught me to be the same.

Your strength and absolute level headedness makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I remember when my brother was burned, you swallowed your scream, and with a surgeon's precision started first aid, which later got you compliments from the entire burn unit staff for your quick thinking, while I ran around screaming my head off. I hate your steadfastness on things you know are right, and your inability to divert from the truth, no matter how hard it was to accept, especially for me. I especially hate it that you're always right, about everything, but have the decency not to rub it in my face with 'I told you so!'

I vehemently hate the fact that you always pushed me to be better than I was, especially because I was a girl. You let me make my mistakes and gave me space to understand them and learn from them, always in the background if I needed you. I don't even remotely like the fact that you've made me so independent that I could run a country on my own. I hated your constant nagging about my health, and the fact that if I didn't look after myself, no one else would.

But you know what the worst thing about you is?

I can never be you! That's a loss I mourn without even having. You are the epitome of perfection in my eyes, except the hips. I can only hope, as my children grow older, that they hate even a fraction of the things I hate about you. I am what I am because of you, but I hate it that you left me imperfect!

Love always

Your daughter.

Doers Don't Die!

2010-05-03T17:07:00.000+05:30

It's not very often that I complain....I heard the collective snort! But today seems to be shaping up to be one big bitch fest. Before I open the proceedings, I would like to take a moment to blame my parents for making me courteous, giving, not too selfish, and a sucker for people who need my help! With that said...let the brain bashing begin.

SITUATION 1: You need to be at an appointment half hour ago, You're stuck in traffic and will not, at least today, be able to make the appointed time. What do you do?
a. You call the other party and tell them you're held up in traffic. Apologize. Inform them you'll make it ASAP.
b. Call and reschedule the appointment. Apologize? The traffic's not my fault!
c. Wait for the other party to call...you ain't wasting a dime on an unnecessary phone call.
d. you're already 3 hours late, they should have gotten the message by now.

If you chose (a), you may as well stand behind me with a sign on your forehead saying 'DUMBASS"! That's how I feel every time I have to wait for someone to meet me. In the age of cell phones it's amazing how careless and totally uncouth people can be, especially in a professional setting. If I have an appointment with my doctor, dentist, car servicing guy, swimming/karate coach or anyone else who I've given a time to, and cannot make it on time, I make sure I call them to let them know I'm running late (unless I'm piss drunk and can't remember the appointment). Isn't that the civil thing to do?

SITUATION 2: Someone sets up a group activity for your child, but the time doesn't gel for you. What do you do?
a. You thank that person, and perhaps ask if the timings can be changed a little to accommodate your child.
b. you tell the person the timings need to be changed to suit your child's needs. You'll thank them when the job's done to your satisfaction.
c. you confront them, accusing them of fixing the time purposely so that your child was left out, and threaten to get in your own activity group that would clash with the present one.
d. You refuse to talk to the person and make sure your child doesn't play with theirs.

If you chose (a), you may now change the sign on your forehead to "FREAKIN' IDIOT"! It amazes me to know that people are not only lazy, uncommitted and totally ungrateful, but top that with pigheadedness and unbecomingly rude, you've got a winning combination for the world's worst terrorist negotiator or parent (similar job profile). I know it takes different kinds people to make this world go around, but common decency is the crux of humanity....right?

These are just the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to dealing with really stupid people around me. In reality I do understand that every individual has the right to do as they please. But when it comes to societal situations it is a given that one should behave with others the way one would expect them to behave with you.

That's where my parents got it wrong!

In today's world it's every person for him/herself, no matter how arrogant, mean and bitchy you have to get. In this 'dog eat dog or get bitten on your ass' world, the concept of community seems to be slowly dying. Yes, we let our children play out in the park with the other kids. But where is the value addition for the community as a whole, where every member of the community comes together to do something as a whole, and possibly learn? It's impossible for me to just sit around gossiping about people who have no impact on my life. I'd much rather be in the thick of things that need to be done, but from my experiences thus far, I seem to be the fool. I sometimes wish my parents had made me a little less mannered, grateful, helpful and a lot more meaner, ruder, and cruel. But then, I wouldn't want my children to grow up like that.

I have learned my lesson. I now fervently refuse to give up! I know my attitude gets me no votes as Ms. Popular, but that's not the aim...is it? Although I now refuse to put up with stupid people, I have come to the conclusion that teaching people, even one at a time, that common courtesy is expected from them at all levels, is the way to go.

They'll either do it or die trying!

Happy Anniversary X 2

2010-04-21T22:36:00.000+05:30

Well, it's that time of the year when I celebrate having certain people in my life, who have made a profound impact on me.

It's been eleven years since I tied the knot, I'm sure sometimes it feels like a noose for my husband. But I've got to hand it to the guy, he's put up with me through all my avatars. I'm not even going to sugar coat this...I am a terror to live with. He found out early enough in the relationship that I could be a real bitch. I've had my ecstatic highs, and my dragged in dirt lows, done weird things, and things I can now laugh at (but were probably too stupid at the time), yet, through all my craziness he's been there, rationalizing, patiently observing, soothing, and probably wondering when the hell this was all going to stop. Although, he ain't that lucky, the lunacy has toned down considerably, but hey, he can't deny he's not having fun.

Over the years, I've come to accept the fact that I'm a lucky woman to have this man in my life who, although wouldn't mind strangling me on multiple occasions, would never accept me for who I am...a lazy, sometime inappropriate, hotheaded, teenager. I've never known someone to challenge me the way he does, to change for the better, to make something of myself. Now, in all fairness, had I been any other woman, I'd have taken this as grounds for abuse or at least harassment. But being me and knowing where he wants us to go, I'm grateful he's besides me pushing me to heights that sometimes I find impossible to attain, but do nevertheless.

Freedom of speech is very important to me. I am loud, many times controversial, seldom hold my thoughts or my tongue, but have never been opposed to doing so...well, maybe the loud part. I've learned through endless discussions with my husband that holding back, even when I'm mad as a cat with it's tail on fire, hurts me. For this understanding I thank him and his encouragement I am forever grateful for. Channelizing seems to be my only problem...but I'm working on it!

I know I don't say it enough but you are the sanity to my erratic mind, the foundation to my building, the skill set to my MBA, and the yang to my ying. Happy Anniversary darling.

This brings me to the X 2 of the Happy Anniversary. It's been a year since since I started my blogging adventure or mis, which ever way you want to look at it. It started out as a forum for me to be what I was originally good at....a bitch. I complained and raved and ranted about part of my life that I was sure was the worst thing to happen to any human being. It was a cleansing process, I had said, and to be very honest, it was. But as I cleansed myself I'd come to realize, what was past didn't matter anymore. It was only the future that really made a difference, and as long as I can try to make that great for me and those around me, I'm in a win-win situation.

So the other people I'm grateful to are You, my readers. Those of you who have stuck with me from the beginning know it all, and have graciously put up with all the crap I spewed. Those of you who joined later know me for what I can be. Either way, Thank you. Your support, comments (though I don't get enough of these) and encouragement tells me I'm on the right path.

All of you make me want to be better, in every way.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shed a few tears of joy.

Challenged Technology...

2010-04-07T22:31:00.000+05:30

I've been in the market for a new mobile phone for the past 3 months. The last time I bought a phone it took me 15 minutes, from selecting the ONE to taking it home. That was a few years ago. It seems I have grown more mature in my selection of technology OR have absolutely no clue what to buy. I think the latter holds true.

My adventures in buying technology have been, at best, sparse. The fact that I bought a video camera recently did up my confidence level some, but it wasn't without it's share of painful moments. Months of research in videography technology, DVD compatibility, lens zoom capabilities, handling, and best deal for my money had left me feeling drained yet exuberant that I could make an informed decision about buying a piece of technology that frankly, I'm yet to really start enjoying.

My technologically challenged brain has come to terms with the fact that if I didn't have my husband around all the time, to pester, question, requestion, and research my needs, I'd be driving a bullock cart and using a stone tablet and a chisel to write. Not that he's the one who buys my electronic stash. He's the smart guy who tells me to finally choose the one I feel comfortable with, knowing full well that if something goes wrong I'm still the one to blame for making the wrong choice.

Is this the dilemma most women face.... dependence on our male counterparts to help us choose which technology suits our needs the best? Yes, granted that 99% of all technological inventions and innovations have been made by men, but, considering nearly half the population on this planet is female, shouldn't women have a say in their own technological advancement, choices, purchasing power? Women are wired differently and purchases they make are often based on something completely different, and are often misunderstood by men. The answer lies deeper than just knowledge and education, but that's a whole another can of worms I'll open later.

For now, I embark of my mobile phone adventures less impulsive, better educated, well researched, and if I do say so myself, much smarter. Just wish I could say, I did it all on my own. But as the saying goes: "No man is a pillar."

Looks like no woman is either!