The MILF Report

Hey Bitches I'm back....

2010-08-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

and I just deleted a HUGE post I wrote for you.

You know why...

cause it was bullshit.

And I`m over it. Over the bullshit.

I`m coming back....and it ain`t going to be all giggles and romance for you. Sorry. Honeymoons over...if you`re still showing up here then it must be true love.....and so I`m in. Im going to give it to you hard...true love style, like prison, in the fulldose, not watered down at all.....

Cause you deserve it...and so do I.

I do best when I don`t have to pussyfoot around anyone`s feelings.

So there....that`s you`re warning.

If you`re delicate like a flower then you should probably just get outta here.....cause shit`s about to get real yo....

but not tonight cause I drank too much, fought too much and am hungry and am going to split on you...just like that....seee I told you it would be hard....man up bitches, this isn`t going to be easy....on anyone.

xo

Getting out of my comfort zone for a night

2010-02-12T00:56:00.000-08:00

Turns out, I'm a pussy.

I know.

I talk tough but wow, truly I am just one big pussy. No wonder I haven't been writing. The best writers are either extremely brave and honest or are brilliantly, delicious liars that can spin stories out of the air.

I am neither. I am a pussy tonight.

My husband, Big Daddy, is gone for the night. To Vancouver, the night before the Olympics start rocking.

Nevermind that, I'll be amazed if terrorism doesn't just rip open with a bang right off the bat (c'mon, you can't honestly have any faith at all that "the man" is "all over it" keeping us safe. If I was a terrorist, I'd have spent the last 5 years jerking off to the fact that the Olympics were being held in Canada, America's favorite and most laid back neighbour.)

Nevermind that I play this scenario out in my head all. the. fucking. time that for just one night, I could just live like a single, unnattached chick. No one to tell me how fucked up all the shows I watch on TLC are (Hello, I know, that's why I watch themmmm...). No one trying to fuck me when I get out of the bath and just want to paint my nails and smoke even though you're quitting right now. No one's tv time to fuck up when I just feel like turning it off and listening to music.

See, me and Big Daddy are pretty well always together except for brief periods of time, usually of only a few hours at a time. Day after day, month after month, year after year, for real. That's how we roll...and tonight I remember why.

I fucking miss having him here. And not just because I'm hungry and if he were here right now he'd gladly go and get me Burger King with zesty sauce if I roll one while he's gone. Or that someone called an hour or so ago and it only rang once and now I'm paranoid and looking out the blinds like a crackhead cause if someone broke in today my biggest rottweiler is paralyzed from the waste down from cancer and would be useless and my BIG MOTHERFUCKING BRUTE of a husband isn't here to kickass either. Or that when I was talking to him on the phone tonight and Sophia heard me ask him if he'd found somewhere to live tonight (meaning a hotel) I actually heard her heart breaking when she asked "Mommy, what did you mean when you asked Daddy if he found a new house to live in. You were joking right?" (That girl watches way too much family network tv where all the parents are divorced).

But because I think after these 13 years we've been together, the deaths, the births, the rich times, the poor times, the happy times and the angry times we have actually become one.

Now don't get me wrong, dude, somedays, "why I autta..." brews up inside of me with a fury, as it does in him I'm sure. But tonight, I miss my husband something fierce. I even facebooked him, like a fucking drunk teenager (and my sister...and yes, I have got into the wine a bit tonight. Whatever, writers drink, stereotypes are created from reality).

On the pill, off the pill, rich or poor, I will love that loyal, brute of a man forever.

And probably a little extra when he's not here.

I smell lawsuits...

2010-02-12T00:16:00.000-08:00

It turns out that taking the pill makes women more attracted to a different smelling male to mate with than they would choose if not on the pill.

Let that sink in.

Yup. So you know that whole crazy burning desire to fuck that wears off once you go off the pill and get knocked up. Well, maybe noone can blame the baby anymore. Maybe, just maybe, pharmecutical companies are to blame.

Well, unless of course you were seriously disfigured by the birth. Then, DEFINITELY, the baby is to blame there. (That means you, Laura, who ripped from one hole to another. Don't even think about getting in on the class action lawsuit.)

Flesh eating disease in my friend's VAGINA and other dramas....

2010-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's true.

You can get flesh eating disease in your vagina.

Like you didn't have enough to think about eh? I know. That's right, might as well add that to the list of shit to worry about too. Cause it can happen apparently.

In my friend's case they caught it at mrsa staph infection in the vagina...but it coulda went there if left unchecked. Which it almost did.

So, the lesson of the story is if your pretty sure that something CRAZY is going on in your vajayjay and the Doctor who doesn't actually have a vayjayjay tells you to relax, it's no big deal. You need to fire that motherfucker before he ends up having to take pieces of your woman parts out because he fucked up.

In other news...

I've decided to breed my rottweiler. She's too young yet though and I'm facing her first heat probably soon and am totally unprepared for how that's going to go. Any tips for how to keep a rottie from menstruating all over my house will be greatly appreciated. And if you know any horny rottie males that I can hook her up with next year please pass that info along as well.

Relationships in my little circle of peeps seem to be suffering right now as well. Everywhere I turn someone is breaking up, fucking up or are just plain bored with their situation. Which of course brings me to:

Monogamy. Is it realistic?

One of the happiest (seemingly) couples I know have great jobs, great kids, great house and great sex apparently because they fuck people other than their spouse sometimes. For fun. For real.

No, they've never tried to fuck me, but I'm pretttttty sure they would if I was into it. But I'm not. Neither is Big Daddy. And not just cause we've worked it out and if we ever did "swap" in our circle anyway, one of us would be totally getting ripped off and it would just be awkward after cause one would be all stoked and happy and the other would be all pffffffttt. But because he'd want to do strangers and I am. not. into. strangers. He has a point, with strangers you'd never have to deal with the possibilty of love confusing things but for me, I'd want to fuck someone I like already you know? What if I did the dirty with some strange dude that turned out to be a real douchebag and later on I found out he was a good friend of my little brothers or something. Awkwarrrrd. Anyway, monogamy, what do you think? Possible or just leftover bullshit from a more religious time?

In case you missed it....

2009-11-22T21:30:00.000-08:00

REGRETSY

Congrats on the book deal guys.

PS: If you don't get it, you've also missed out on etsy...or not...

Ask a milf day

2009-11-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

Q: Are you actually going to do the titty trials??

A:   Um, no. I didn't get this far without exceptional risk management skills. *sigh* Remember? I've never been to jail? Experimental tissue growing projects in my body are too high risk for me....unless I'm dying, and it's all they've got left to try...then I'm in. All in.

Q: What's you're deal with gay people?

A: I actually don't currently have any deals in the works with any gay people. I did however party with a couple of kickass lesbians three weeks ago. My gay brother in law however I haven't seen in ages. He's been kicking it in Argentina the last couple of years. Maybe next summer...

Q:   How can you be so hot after three kids?

A:   Unfortunately, genetics play a huge role. I have a mild case of Marfan Syndrome which means I'll always be slim, have long beautiful legs, no stretch marks and amazing flexibilty. It also means the odds that I'll die young, suddenly and unexpectedly are waaaaaaaaay higher for me than the rest of the population due to my heart ripping apart or from an aneurysim. So ya, we can just go ahead and add that to the list of reasons why you shouldn't hate skinny bitches m'kay.

Q:   How old are your kids?

A:   As of just last week 8, 5, and 3. My oldest just had his birthday. Gawd he's great. Better than me for sure. Better like, when I gave him his nighttime cuddle before his birthday and he started counting on his fingers, I immediately thought he was counting how many presents he'd get based on how many people were coming to the party. He was actually counting how many licorice ropes I'd need on his wrestling cake for the ring to see if there would be enough for everyone to get a piece. That much better than me. True story.

Q:   Are you going to give us the address to your secret diary site.

A:   No, probably not.

Well, maybe some of you...

Titty Trials UPDATE!!

2009-11-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

Yesssss I asked to get in on the human trials.

AND THEY JUST EMAILED ME!

What? I've never been to Australia....

This email is sent on behalf of Professor Wayne Morrison

Dear Ms (name removed to protect my identity, obviously),

We empathise with you and understand your keen interest in the work we are doing to develop tissue engineered breast implant at the O’Brien Institute.

Indeed, our aims and aspirations are to create an implantable shell that will allow a patient’s own fat tissue to grow and replace breast tissue that has been removed following a mastectomy.

Although this sounds simple, it is in fact a delicate and complex technology that requires many stages, including ensuring safety.

We have been very encouraged by our progress to date and have passed many of the milestones that we have set ourselves. As you may be aware from the recent media, the last stage before the implants become available generally to the public will be clinical trials in human patient. We are now at the stage of implementing a small initial clinical trial of five patients in 2010, but the results of the trial will not be known for approximately 18 months.

The exact details and protocol for the clinical trials are in the final stages of preparation. When they are finalised we will be in touch with you again and at that time, we will request that you complete a confidential questionnaire in relation to the selection criteria for the trial. Upon receipt of this information, patients will be selected to participate in the trial. As mentioned, we will only be having five patients in the first trial.

In the meantime, we will keep your name and details on our file so that we could notify you of updates.

Yours sincerely

Wayne Morrison

Wow, one step closer to becoming that slut for science I've always wanted to be.
I smell a documentary....

Titty Dreams Do Come True

2009-11-16T22:14:00.000-08:00

*GASP*

"What?!" Big Daddy says.

"They did it, they fucking did it!" I say, almost to myself.

"Who? Did what?" He says with alarm.

"They're growing boobies, just like I said they would" I say. A mixture of excitement and wonder reverberating in my voice.

They fucking did it girls, finally. And can I just say, wtf took you so long? I've been watching the science news, watching them grow human ears on the backs of mice forever. I've publicly demanded breast tissue regeneration be explored by the science community and been generally disapointed with the apparent lack of interest or foresight of the people that pull that medical science shit off. Hellooooooo, how much money do you think that's going to pull in. Seriously, if you itty bitties could go in and get your own breast tissue reregenerated to any size, how much is that worth to you? Lots. You could cure cancer with that kind of money. Ask Big Daddy, those of you who can, how long have I bitched about breast tissue regeneration? Seriously, as soon as I saw that cloned sheep I WAS PISSED. How can cloned sheep not equal regenerating my own breast tissue within in the year? Ridiculous.

Anywaysssss, focusing on the positive here, it's finally happened. And I'm pretty stoked.

Here's the link to the deets and yes, I am totally going to submit myself for the human trials, if they'll take me.

What? Like I've got $ for fancy breast regeneration....yet.

I've been thinking of cheating on you...

2009-11-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's true bishes. I almost left...without a note even.

See, I've had this idea for a book for a long time. It's kind of memoir, O.J. style...the if I did it, this is how it would have went down, kinda memoir. Think Sopranos meets Trailer Park Boys.

And I'm ready to write it now.

I'm also working on a secret diary blog thing and a local news and entertainment site thing that will hopefully pay some bills until the whole I'm fucking famous and on Oprah stage of my life.

So, I was going to quit milfing here, but you know what? I can't. There' s too much milfy work left to do and share.

Like the next post I'm about to write: "Titties dreams do come true"

I can't quit, I fucking love you guys.

xo

As the Bloggess would say, "Sue me. I'm awesome."

2009-11-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

Hey there milfies,

I know.

It's been too long for b.s. like "hey there, how you bitches doing".

It's complicated.

Well, okay, no not really, I've just been busy, tired and uninspired lately.

And low on booze.

Which is my own fault really, the low on booze thing. Well, the recession part isn't, but the whole randomly having babies without thinking about how many birthdays would fall between back to school and xmas and how much that shit adds up for the modern, cool family. I actually remember laughing with Big Daddy when we were pumping out the spawn about how after you have the first one, the next ones are basically free on account of us having all the accessories already. Fucking mac daddy stroller, faux black leather highchair. God, we were cool.

Well, turns out, when they grow out of all that kick ass gear, THEY NEED OTHER SHIT! And it's cutting into my writing tools budget (Yessss, that's code for whiskey or wine)

I know. Pretend a war has broken out in our homeland and start rationing butter and make toys out of wood...by whittling it.

I've thought of that, obviously.

Easier said then done though. Especially if I'm always stopping for smokes on the way home. Even kids know smokes are hard to come by in a war. Yes, we have cable.

So, last night I decide to go through my bookmarks of favorite blogs and get a good read on...(that's the greatest perk of literacy, even when you can't write anything better than a grocery list you can usually find something great to read.)

And I see this...JUST THE KICK IN THE CUNT I NEEDED

WOW.

I've decided to name a drink after Anita, who is so hardcore bears eat her llamas and her baby has already had H1N1. She's a fucking trendsetter people. You should all listen to her.

PS: Sorry to the kids who are coming to my son's birthday party this Friday, the lootbags, they will be light. Ya, light like, total ripoff light.

What? I've got a drink to create, name, test and then a blog to write.

Thanks for missing me Anita.
xo

That's some quick work...

2009-10-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know who these kids are but they are all over it. How did you guys pull this off so quick?

Good work boys.

Just stole this from poopsonpeeps...

2009-10-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Really cute affirmation girl video...

Thanks poops, figured you wouldn't mind since I wasn't stealing your hate, just your love.

Worst placenta save ever.

2009-10-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

According to Inhabitots, the placenta teddy bear is "a crafty alternative for those who don't necessarily want to eat their baby's placenta, but want to pay their respects to the life sustaining organ," by saving it in teddy form.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

"It was for the show"

2009-10-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

Balloon boy admitted it was for the show.

I want to sue these people for emotional distress....

and smack them.

I want to do reality tv with Sarah Silverman bad.

2009-10-13T00:22:00.000-07:00

What was once just a cute idea...me, Sarah, reality tv...cool right? This cute idea may have now become something bigger. Something that could consume me.

I just watched this video and now you must too.

Cause then you'll get it. And you'll be all like..."Holy fack, why aren't they shooting this already. In a house, with Sarah Silverman and Legs from the milfreport, getting them drunk and sending them out for smokes...into the street...with a bus pass maybe...OMG, imagine the shit they'd get up to"

And I'll be all like "I know!"

So Silverman, heads up, I won't go away until you've signed on. Lets do this before we're too old to dress all racey (plus I've got some kick ass rock boots that need to live their truth).

Milf of the day...The Bloggess

2009-10-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

So, keep people sending me links to the Bloggess telling me how much I'd love her.

It's not their fault, they couldn't have known that I FUCKING DISCOVERED HER BITCHES.

Well no, not really at all, but I have been reading her forever and can fully appreciate the joy upon coming across her for the first time and the overwhelming urge to share her...cause she's awesome.

And she's killer funny.

And I can't believe the world doesn't know that I'm ~~in love with her~~
all over it.

Love you Jenny, hope you're feeling better soon.

Feeling Alive. Live your truth part 2.

2009-10-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

So here's the list...
Well, I guess the fun list.
Lots of things can make you feel really alive.
Like smashing your toe with a can of frozen juice or say a death of a loved one.
But those kind aren't fun at all

Here we go, in no particular order.....

Cuddling a sleepy babe.

Black leather knee high rock boots.
Beating boys at pool.
Music. Loud music.
Love.
Dancing.
Laughing.
Connecting.
Creating.
Singing.
Success.
Money.
Sex.
Competition.
Whiskey.
Fighting for something.

Clearly living my truth won't involve counselling youth at risk or anything.

Anyone have a neighborhood pub they need managed?

Live your truth.

2009-10-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Ya, I know, this is gonna be good....

Imagine if I did.

Lived my truth.

Imagine if that's the cure to the incredible boredness I'm having with everything right now.

Imagine if I felt the fear and did it anyway.

Imagine if I did it right now.

Black Bird by Sarah McLachlin just came on. I'm not kidding.

Imagine you were my sister and you actually knew why that song is symbolic...or at least significant.

Imagine my Dad wasn't dead.

Imagine he was sitting here with me drinking, and talking, and singing.

Imagine what he'd say now.

Imagine what he regrets.

Imagine what the best parts were.

Bet they were the ones where he felt the most alive.

What makes you feel alive?

Imagine nothing is stopping you but you.

Imagine letting yourself.

Imagine just fucking doing it before you wake up old or dead.

Do it.

Live your truth.

This is what I miss most about breastfeeding

2009-10-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Shooting people with my breastmilk.

Nothing better than sitting on the couch and out of nowhere

giving your partner a little shot to the side of the head

with the milk in your tits.

Unless of course you follow it up by saying,

"Smokes, let's go"

Awesome.

Note: Shooting milk at people is also an effective parenting tool.

Easily combats whiny children syndrome as they usually just run away laughing and in shock that

ya, you just did that.

At worst it'll always buy you 15 minutes of peace.

Side note: Is it weird that I'm cool with shooting at my loved ones with my breastmilk but

this makes me feel funny? (see below)

Yup, that's a doll and a milk rig so your little girl can pretend she's breastfeeding. WTF?

So far no one is winning...

2009-10-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry, had to bring it up.

Mainly because I hope no one strings Jon up by his nuts too quickly.

There are two sides to the "stealing all the money story"

You'll see and be all like "Wow, that milf chick knew before tmz!"

And yes, I'm going to get back to actually writing posts soon as opposed to just regurgitating this shit for you.

Soon, maybe tonight...

*Note: The chick in the pic with the kids is the nanny not Kate

UPDATE: Ya so, turns out, Jon issss a little fucker afterall. Making an ass out of you and me both Jon boy, this won't be forgotten pal...

Real video of Ann Frank....

2009-10-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

This is the only piece of film footage containing the legendary diarist Anne Frank in existence.
It was unearthed and given to her father in the 1950s from his neighbors. The video is very short and shows Anne leaning out the window of her Amsterdam home, watching a bride and groom on their big day. The clip has been kept at the Amsterdam museum, the Anne Frank House , but was released on YouTube in honor of the new Anne Frank Channel, which will feature videos and interviews about her life.
These images were captured only a year before Anne and her family were forced into hiding.

Watching this made my heart ache like it did when I read the book.

This is why I miss Black Hockey Jesus

2009-10-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

Black Hockey Jesus shut down his blog The Wind in Your Vagina awhile ago and I miss it.

This is him reading a post at Blogher 09

And yesssss, I know all about Jon Gosselin and his crazy misspelt sign and letters trying to shut down the show because he got his ass fired.

This is me purposely ignoring that shit and celebrating good Dads instead.

UPDATE: Thanks to anonymous tips you can now find him here thebhj.com

Jon's Out!

2009-09-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Jon and Kate plus 8 will soon become...

Kate plus 8.

Jon's out.

Me too.

In other news,

Rumer Willis looks waaaaay better with her hair long.

You would too.

I wish Amy Winehouse was my Godmother

2009-09-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

Amy showed up at a British highschool today to call out and spit on a 13 year old that was bullying her goddaughter.

Fuck. ing. A

Go Amy!

I'm a firm believer that sometimes the little fucker on the schoolyard that's making everyone's lives hell just needs a really up close and fucking personal chat with someone way bigger than them. Someone that isn't buying their shit like their useless parents.

Ya that's right, mean British schoolgirl that was acting like a total cunt to everyone, you just got spit on by a drug infested celebrity junkie in the playground, in front of the teachers, parents, kids, and paparazzi and now everyone's looking at you thinking "Damn, she must have been some kinda bitch to someone".

Public shame,

that's the cure for bullying.

Would have worked on me, too bad no one called me on it.

PS: Check out what she's holding. She's is literally kicking ass and taking names....so good.

Youtube's Greatest Hits in 4 Minutes

2009-09-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE

Now you don't have to waste hours looking for the best.

You wanted the best, you got the best.

I'm just like KISS,

I know.