I was contacted by a production company to spread the word about a new show airing on a major network for people with some outdoor experience. You know, camping, hunting, fishing.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS CASTING CALL AND MAYBE GET ON TV!

Click here to read about crazy zombie sex!

Ok it’s not actually about zombie love. More about birth control during the zombie apocalypse.

But it does have some crazy zombie babies and stuff. SO GO READ IT!

But how can boobs lie you ask? I’ll tell you.

Somehow, a woman with giant boobs can hide them. A woman with small boobs can make them look big. A woman with floppies can make them look gravity defying and I don’t know how you do it. It’s like magic.

But you get those magic boobs going, and you as a guy think you’re getting one thing but as soon as that magic bra comes off, KABAM! It’s completely different!

Now I know what you’re thinking. “but Spaz, you’re judgemental, an asshole and worst of all, you’re male. How can you be so cruel, woman blah blah feminist, blah blah feeling pretty blah blah”.

But that’s the thing! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR DAMNED BOOBS LOOK LIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Yes, I like breasts, don’t get me wrong. I’m just happy that I’ll get to play with some and I didn’t agree to date you only on the look of your boobs. I mean, if I shoved a 12″, 14 pound cucumber down my pants, and you found out that my penis is only of average size (which it is, I do NOT take after Ron Jeremy in the important areas), you’d get mad, wouldn’t you.

So I’m asking you not to lie. Just take it easy with those artificial boob melding techniques.

But you know what’s worse? Or at least, what used to be worse? Breast Augmentation is the worst lie of them all. Why? Because they don’t look like ANY boob! How can you cut a basketball in half and call it a boob! It’s not. It’s a damned salad bowl. Horrible! Except they’ve moved on from the Pam Anderson days. They now make breast enhancements look just like natures perfection.

So here’s what I’m asking. Don’t lie about your boobs. If you feel you need to make your boobs to be something else, fine, but get those boob jobs to make them look like perfect natural boobs. That way, you’re not a liar.

Oh, and ladies, if you’re vain enough to get a butt lift, and you are significantly overweight, make sure the doctor lifts the butt in the back.

That is all.

That cause is LEARNING.

Yea, my slow ass brain takes a while. You have to understand, I take much more practice than the normal person. I am, after all, a REDNECK. A Canadian one at that (yes we exist, mostly in the province of Alberta, but there are others scattered around the country, like this Ontarian).

So, without further adue, I present to you

THE REDNECK SURVIVALIST

Go! Go my pretties! Click on the above link! GO!!!

Ok listen. It’s all about indulging in your paranoia. But remember, if you think shit won’t hit the fan, why don’t you ask the people in New Orleans how they been doing recently? Or the people of Japan? Or the people of Eastern Europe (if you can find them under 20+ feet of snow). Stuff happens. I’m learning what to do if stuff happens, and y’all can come on the ride with me if you like.

Here’s the best part. If I get enough mentions in blog posts, on facebooks, on twatters, er, twitters, linky love, etc., then this summer I’m opening a youtube channel.

On this channel there will be guns. And stuff being blown up. And stuff being blown up with guns. And stuff being set on fire (the only animal to be harmed in these videos is me).

So, here’s my website (<— click there).

And the facebook fan page <— click there).

And the twitter account (<—- click there).

Go spread the love to see me blow up things and stuff! Oh. And if you want to communicate with me please do so through my website, or the facebook, or the email. I seriously have NOT figured out twitter yet. Thanks.

This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?

This prompted me to write the people at  about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.

To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.

If you produce this product, will I get royalties?

Sincerely,

Mike

If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.

A man, that could lactate. As in, milk comes out of this mans man boobs.

Apparently this is a rare condition affecting only a few men out of hundreds of thousands. My first thought, I’m glad it’s not me. My second, eww gross.

Then I had another thought. A much less self serving thought.

This is how we solve world hunger.

Here’s the plan. We find all the men that lactate. We then further separate the morbidly obese men (these shouldn’t be hard to find, it’s North America after all). We send some of these morbidly obese men overseas to feed all the hungry, where the enormous morbidly obese fat stores will keep the milk flowing for weeks and the people fed.

When the morbidly obese people are slim, we rotate them out and back to America to gorge on cheap all you can eat buffets, and once they’re morbidly obese again, we rotate them back to the third world to feed all the people again.

You may ask, why can’t we send women? I’ll tell you. Because men cant’ get pregnant.

And world hunger is solved, and you are welcome.

Point being, I firmly believe our modern first world society has hit its peak and has been in decline for 40 years at least. History speaks that societies end before new ones begin, and more often then not it’s a violent ending. Ours will be no different.

Ok, so the world might end. Am I dumb to be a little paranoid? Most people say yes, but pardon my french, those are the people who are going to die. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA naysayer! DIE! DIE DIE DIE!!!

Whatever. See, the thing is, being prepared for something that won’t happen is way better than not being prepared for something if it does.

So here’s the thing to think about. Think about it good. When you turn on the tap and water comes out, do you ever think about what it takes to make that happen? How about when your furnace comes on? Or when you drive somewhere in your car? Or what it takes to keep a fresh and stocked grocery store? Have you ever thought of what would happen if all those were taken away?

Most people don’t. Which is why if and when something bad happens, longer than three days, people will be totally and completely lost. When that happens, friends and neighbors will no longer be friends and neighbors, because it’ll be you and yours. That’s all that will matter.

This is why end of the world experts say one of the most important things you need to have are weapons. Because in the face of death, your neighbors will have no problem killing you over a can of spaghettios, because that can will keep them alive for another few days. This is what desperation breeds. Don’t believe me? I don’t care. It wasn’t me that said it but it makes complete logical sense. I plan to be prepared enough (I hope) that I don’t need to kill anyone over Chef Boy R Dee, but I’ll be damned if anyone’s taking my Ravioli!

The other thing is that the city is the LAST place you want to be when complete chaos erupts. It takes thousands of tonnes of food and things running into a city on a daily basis to keep it running. That’s cut off, and the city starves very quickly. Then you have a vast population stuck in a small surface area competing for meager resources. See the note above. SO. One of my favorite hobbies is interior camping. I have most of the equipment I need to set up a camp. I’ll have the weapons to get me some game and hopefully I can make a go of it.

Lastly, WATER.  Water is one of the most important considerations you can make. I wrote an article on my other website, The Truth of Water.  Click Here to read how to be prepared for water shortages.

I really don’t know everything and even if I did it’s still a crap shoot. This is why I’m reading up on the subject, and you should too.

Here’s how I sum it up. Paranoia won’t cost you too much except a bit of money and a corner of your basement for the equipment. Be prepared and know how to act and if it ever does happen, act on it. Your job, OUR job, is to survive long enough for the chaos to die down, the idiots who are going to die, die (and there will be a lot of them). Once that all happens, I firmly believe the more intelligent of us who did survive will band together in small groups, setting up small communities and letting the strengths of numbers take over to build a new life.

Anyone that wants to come with me, make sure you have a pack and your survival gear. If you’re a good looking woman between the ages of 27 and 38, you are more than welcome to share my tent.

/end paranoia!

This year for my birthday, I’m going to solve two problems. Well, I’m going to lesser the burden on a couple of problems.

In many countries around the world, Military service is mandatory. Usually at age 18, you are required to provide two or more years of mandatory military service.

Well, I propose we introduce a similar concept in North America, but it won’t be military service.

It’ll be exercise service.

You see, every able bodied citizen MUST commit to at least 1 hour a week of riding a stationary bicycle.

But it won’t be just any stationary bicycle. The bicycle will be attached to a power generator.

Yes, ever person will be required to pump cycle power back into the grid for a least one hour a week.

This will not only reduce our dependance on fossil fuels, it will perhaps take the edge of North Americas morbid obesity problem. Maybe.

Think it’s a good idea? Pass it around. Maybe it’ll be the next green movement.

Jon Gomm is amazing.

And funny.

And if you’re not from over there and you don’t laugh at this, you need a colonoscopy. Or something.