Are you ready for the SUPER GIANT BIG HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT????

Yea, thanks for getting all exited there.  You, in the corner, wake up so I can tell you.

I MADE A MIND OF SPAZ E-BOOK!

One hundred and thirty one pages of somma the best crap here. And by best I mean the best of this blog which actually isn’t all that good, but you get the point.

This is also why downloading the book will cost you about the same as a cup of coffee.  Or half the price of anything you buy at Starbucks.

It’s on my Dreaming of a Dollar site cuz I got the software there to do all this fun stuff. So, if you are interested:

CLICK HERE TO GET A COPY OF THE MIND OF SPAZ E-BOOK!

Thanks!

I’m not whining.  That’s what everybody has to deal with every stinking day.  Whining friends, whiny co-workers, bullshit, everybody begging for what money you don’t have, an asshole government, and welfare lifers that have nicer shit than you do, the working stiff.

What a pile of flaming crack whores.

So I was thinking to myself “Spaz, if everyone gave you a dollar, it would mean nothing to them but you’d be rich enough to quit your day job and have a nice life and maybe even take a vacation. Man, that would be nice. A vacation.”

But how is everyone going to give me a dollar?  Then the idea struck. I’d make a website!

But of course, the feds only approve of panhandling when you’re an unwashed street bum pretending to have the shakes playing an aging guitar with your tongue because you only have one hand. That way, no one can see you get into your Mercedes and drive to your McMansion after making another $500 in quarters, loonies and toonies that day.  So if everybody was going to give me a dollar, I’d have to offer something in return.

That being said, I’m pleased to introduce my new site, Dreaming of a Dollar.com.

Yes, you too can give me a dollar, make me happy, and live vicariously through my happiness!  So, what do you get for your dollar?

• An arcade with hundreds of games
• An interactive casino
• A REALLY cool interactive route finder which takes you on a virtual tour of your driving route
• A bunch of other cool shit.

And what do you get for free?

• A chat room
• Two blogs, one of which features demotivational posters by yours truly
• And a chat room. Wait, I think I said that.
• And more to come.

Oh, and coming soon you will be able to get the mindofspaz ebook right from that site, due to the nature of the much more powerful software, so stay tuned for that.

I want everybody to go there! Hey, I’m offering a FREE SUBSCRIPTION to anyone who helps me promote the site.  That would include one or all of the following:

• add a link to your blog/website
• tweet about it
• blog about it
• facebook about it

Just email me at mindofspaz@gmail.com with the subject line ‘dreaming of a dollar’, let me know how you helped and I’ll set you up with a free subscription to Dreaming of a Dollar.

Thanks guys, you’re the best, and on one of the DOAD blogs you’ll get to hear all about my adventures trying for my freedom.

Love,

Spaz

My friends son is 5 years old. I cannot wait until he is older.

My friends son is at the exact height where every time he goes to hit me, it’s in the crotch.

Thanks William. Please grow a little more.  I much prefer the gut shots.

It was a shitty drag and drop HTML site that basically was really ugly but allowed you to write in and ask water related questions. Like filters, softeners, products and strange smells, air in your water, etc.  Moooog even wanted to know why water was wet.  I think it pissed him off that I had an actual answer.

Yes, that’s me that has that site.  I know it’s hard to believe, but I did go to school, I am an engineer and I do have expertise in something REAL. Everyone needs to ‘earn’ a living.

Well, I updated that site. I redid it into a real website that uses an SQL database so it can DO THINGS.  Now you can search through answers and articles. You can even become a contributor and have the chance to earn MONEY through a revenue sharing program. I know, right?

So I would appreciate if everybody who actually reads this crap check out The Truth of Water and perhaps even social bookmark it or add a link somewhere if you like the site and think it’s a valuable addition to the interwebs.

I personally will give everyone who does oral sex if they help me.

Ok, no oral sex. Just my eternal gratitude.

Remember, truthofwater.com!

I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen here, to me.  And I’m not going to apologize for being away either.

See, I’m a busy man. Ok, i’m not that busy. It’s just that I lost interest. I mean, there’s only so many jokes you can make about fat, poop and stupid people and I just lost interest.  Plus, none of the people that come here buy anything from my amazon links or nothing, and google ads are just worthless on this site. Not that anyone clicks them anyways.

Ok, fine, I’m a money grubbing Jew. But with my site, www.truthofwater.com, making upwards of $10 a day on google ads for me doing NOTHING, well, that site is way more important. So within the next week a new improved version of that site will come out and hopefully It’ll rake in more bucks so I can satisfy my Jewish/guy that likes to spend money side.

But the point of all this is that I’ve now compiled my bucket list.  This list will start the DAY I turn 80.  As follows:

• Smoke crack
• Screw a hooker
• Screw a hooker with aides
• Resume smoking cigarettes
• Smoke more crack if I liked it the first time
• Take ecstasy and go to a rave
• Try naked bungee jumping
• Get really really really really really really fat
• Walk around shirtless after getting really really fat
• Buy and ride a moped
• Public defecation
• Do something that’ll land me in jail for a couple of weeks
• Punch the biggest guy named Bubba in jail right in the gonads
• Scream at annoying teenagers from my porch
• Scream at annoying teenagers from their porch
• Buy a trunk monkey
• Break into the biggest drug company I can find and bitch slap the president until he releases the REAL cure for cancer, aides, et al. Yea, we know you have it but are just making money on drugs bitches. Get ready for 80 year old Spaz, I’m coming for you.
• Go to Afghanistan and find Osama. Then rape his ass with an AK-47. Make him read a statement while on T.V. saying how much he likes getting things up his bum.
• Smoke more crack

I think that’s it.   See ya’ll in a few months, bitches!

Let me explain.

In about 10 years, I’ll have to have my prostate checked. About 10 years after that, they’ll want to shove a camera up my ass.

What exactly can be learned from the inside of your ass? If they can see a broken bone or your brain by taking a picture from the outside, why can’t they do the same thing with your colon?

What exactly is with all this anal probing anyways?

That’s why I think doctors are aliens.

No wonder he smokes more pot than Bob Marley.

When she was a young girl her and her family escaped Bolshevik controlled Russia, a feat for Russian Jews at the time.  The likelihood of their death was pretty damned high but they made it across the pond to safety and prosperity.  I know you’re all wishing she hadn’t because I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Shut up and deal.

Now, at 90 years old, she’s on her deathbed.  It really is a blessing as she’s been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a number of years.  If you can look past my idiocy for just a minute, and you have a few dollars extra, please join me in donating to fight this horrible disease. With all the hooplah about cancer, aides, etc, sometimes a disease like Alzheimer’s is overlooked.  I can tell you that in my opinion, this disease is the worst I’ve ever seen because it takes away your dignity.  It has turned my grandmother from a strong woman who spit in the face of oppression to having to have her diaper changed and spoon fed like a two year old.  Her dignity has been taken away and she’s been suffering for more than a decade, and she’s not the only one. Death is preferable.  I think so and if she had any brain left so would she – but that’s the thing. Maybe she has a brain inside and is screaming inside from the torture of being trapped in a useless body. And THAT is the worst torture I can imagine.

When she goes, it is in the Jewish tradition to do something called Sit Shiva. It’s kind of like an Irish wake without alcohol and fun.  It’s when people basically do everything for the bereaved.  For me, that means picking up my sister from the airport and listening to her talk about her business selling rubber penis’s to horny women. Gross. It means trying to keep the peace between my psycho aunt and my father, who hate each other.  Well, to be fair we all hate her but he hates her with a passion because of how she treats my mom. And it means making sure to keep my moms McMansion clean to her standards, which is anal clean. That’s even harder to do than you think, especially with my psycho family mucking things up.

In closing, below you will find a picture/link to an Alzheimer’s DVD on Amazon.com.  I will get up to 15% commission for each copy sold through this site.  I will match ANY commissions made from sales of this DVD from my blog and donate it to the Alzheimer’s Society of Canada for research to end this deadly disease.  Um, I’ll match it up to $100, I work for the government which is a low paying job despite popular misconception! I’m hoping you guys will make that look silly. That would be nice.

Bye granny – I’m sorry we couldn’t help you but maybe we can help people in the future.

Thanks for helping guys! Spread the word if you can, facebook, twitter, social networking, whatever.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

I wish I couldn’t write this.  Whatever the case, most of you will come out of this post shaking your head and hating me just a little more. By hate I mean something so awful you just have to look in morbid fascination.

I also expect some of you to come out of it a bit sexually aroused. That’s OK too. On with the list.

1. Liquid Ass.  This is probably the most awesome stuff on the face of the planet.  Squirt it here, squirt it there, squirt it everywhere and the place smells like a giant fart for DAYS.  This isn’t just useful when you’re trying to punk somebody.  Sometimes when I decide to eat something out of the back of my fridge that’s obviously too old to be eaten. Other times I eat Indian food or at Taco Bell. And for those times, my iron clad stomach doesn’t reject it, it just creates a huge amount of smelly gas. And if the whole room already stinks like ass, then everybody will shut up because they already think it’s them. Brilliant.

2. Bear Mace. Not for bears. For people. I don’t like people. I do like it when they run up to me so I can spray them in the face with mace and I can use the “THEY WERE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” Defence.  Works every time. Sorry about your face, gramma.

3. A big box of condoms.  Very few of those are used for the intended type of fun, unfortunately. However, if you open them up and fill them with some watered down clam chowder and sneakily scatter them around places like, oh, nunneries, schools, Tiger Wood’s house, etc., they can be a never ending source of entertainment.

4. An Air Rifle. This is the silent and deadly squirrel killer.  Saves money on groceries and besides, where else are you going to get squirrel meat besides your back yard?  NOTE: Works on bunnies too.

5. POOP STUFF.  Because I’m so incredibly regular as it is, all hell breaks loose when I take some of this.  And I take it when I have to get out of something. I’d rather spend my afternoon on the can with my laptop than go to some stupid family outing like my great aunts funeral, you know?

I’m sorry you all had to see that.  Feel free to use my ideas, though.

Thanks Quagmire. Nice bicep.

Anyways, it just so happened the other night a girl added herself to my MSN. Now, I know what your thinking. Your thinking, ‘Girls want to talk to Spaz???’ And you’re right, I’m surprised as you are.  But there it was, her name was Catharine, and apparently, she was an automated PORNO bot. Not the good kind of porno bot I hear about on  Howard Stern, the one that’s anatomically correct and never says a word (oh bliss), but I think she was trying to sell me porno.   Anyways, I saved the transcripts. Her slutty ass hyperlinks are omitted. You can find them for yourselves, pervs.

Mike says:

Hi. Who are you?

Catherine says:

hi

hi how are you today?

Mike says:

good, do i know you?

Catherine says:

my name is  kaylee I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?

(note: porno people aren’t noted for their big ‘brains’.  Catherine, or should I say, kaylee)

Mike says:

you are a bot aren’t you

Catherine says:

listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Mike says:

well i was thinking, instead of paying you to get naked, how about I pay you to keep your clothes on?

maybe do some secretarial work for me

I need some stuff filed

Catherine says:

I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Mike says:

How many times have you had Chlamydia? That’s important.

Catherine says:

well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! (pervy link deleted) fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Mike says:

Do you houseclean?

if i was to give you some money

you know

would you clean my house?

Catherine says:

Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Mike says:

So you DO clean house!

Make sure there’s no dust on top of the fridge or I might beat you

haha!

just kidding about the beating

but really

no dust

Catherine says:

OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Mike says:

Yea I don’t do fecal stuff

Catherine says:

AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link (link deleted, get your own porn pervs).