The Mindful Influencer

Self-Compassion: Vital nourishment for our growth, success & INNER STRENGTH?

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 2 Oct 2020 10:33:00 -0700

Self-Compassion: Vital nourishment for our growth, success & INNER STRENGTH?

Habit formation via repetition & reinforcement is key to the pursuit of goals. That’s what enables us to operate from a zone of unconscious competence. But it’s also true that obstacles, setbacks, and failures are part of the journey. Be it lifestyle changes or pursuit of other forms of goals & outcomes in life, our real growth often happens in these trying circumstances.

How well do we treat ourselves while we navigate tough terrain? Do we (unwittingly at times) tend to become our most unsparing critics, hoping it makes us battle-hardened? In the process, are we undermining our own chances while we attempt to rise from the ashes?

I was telling a friend recently that Self Compassion is the YIN to the YANG in Self Esteem when it comes to living a life of growth, happiness, fulfillment and sustainable success. In an emerging social context that celebrates achievement orientation, talk about “wishy-washy” ideas like Self Compassion can often make people uncomfortable.

But it’s important we get over this discomfort, and that too pretty soon. Practicing self-compassion is akin to preparing the soil with the right nutrients for the best crop possible.

The soil here really is our unconscious mind, which is the seat of unconscious competence after all! That’s where our repeated actions get crystallized as powerful habits. If the soil isn’t quite right, don’t we need to rectify that?

Listen to this inspiring & highly informative talk by Dr. Kristin Neff, an American academic who has done solid research in the area of self-compassion. Lot of tips and perspectives that are very useful. Please do check it out during the weekend.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUMF5R7DoOA

A powerful takeaway from Dr. Neff’s talk is that self-compassion is what enables you to actually emerge strongest from a crisis or failure!

Also, there are many good resources (including self assessment tools) at the following URL:

https://self-compassion.org/

Magic 7, a Toolkit for the 21st Century Leader

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 23 Nov 2018 09:10:00 -0800

Eleven years ago, Meenakshi felt she had everything going for her. Two promotions within a span of 20 months, third time recipient of The Best Account Manager award, and heading the most strategic corporate account in one of South India’s fastest growing banks… she was now counted among the top 1% super performers. Every day Meena would be among the first to arrive for work, with that radiant smile and oodles of energy. For weeks on end she was literally living out of her suitcase, and didn’t seem to mind it one bit! This was a dream she’d pursued right from her B-school days. Rajan who was into his sixth year as CEO, would often call her Meena the Unstoppable!

Until one day, when Sandhya, a Program Manager who directly reported to her suddenly announced she was quitting to move closer to her hometown. This was like a bolt from the blue as Meena often looked at Sandhya as a potential successor. The latter was always the ‘hands-on details gal’ while Meena was happy to push the envelope when it came to the ‘Big Picture’. Together they were a winning ticket (Rajan would call them MS-Office!), and Sandhya was very critical for the expansion plans of this new account. What came as an even bigger shock for Meena was the buzz in the corridor that Sandhya was actually leaving in frustration, unable to cope with Meena’s brutal deadlines and those occasional outbursts (no w a little “frequent” after some sudden crises in the new account).

It was a particularly warm late August afternoon. Sandhya was about to arrive for her one-on-one discussion, and Meena had picked up a third espresso to beat that recurring migraine. As she sat in anticipation, Meena wondered why she never had a clue. “What on earth could’ve gone wrong”? “Were there any signals, really”? Above all, this would seriously hit the new account as getting someone up to speed in a role like this ain’t gonna be easy. She was surprised to see Rajan in her office instead of Sandhya. “She’ll meet you soon, can we have a quick chat Meena”?

Last week, there was a lot of excitement at one of the most sought after 7 star hotels in the city. PST Bank had recently announced big changes in their leadership team. The Bank CEO has just arrived for the customary press conference to announce the yearly results and take questions about a recent mega acquisition.

The Emcee had just announced “Let’s rise up and Welcome the first woman CEO of PST”.

Meanwhile, on the left side of the stage, something interesting was going on. The Exec Vice President of PST was giving “Tirupati Prasadam” to the CEO and whispering “All the Best, Madam CEO, this prasadam is from Rajan Sir. He sent it specially for you from Hyd with good wishes”.

Meena gave a warm hug to the EVP and said “Thanks Sandhya. Tell him I owe you both a big treat; And yeah, tell him Magic 7 still works wonders!!!”. The two women had a nice chuckle, before Meenakshi Raman briskly took the steps to make a grand entry that would a make big splash across the media that evening. Meena the Unstoppable had finally arrived…

So, what exactly was this Magic 7 that Rajan shared with her when he suddenly walked into Meena’s office while she was waiting for that one-on-one chat with Sandhya? While waiting at the airport lounge recently, this is what Meena managed to scribble on her notebook. And while doing it, she even came up with a smart acronym (SMILESS). Rajan instinctively knew that destiny had great plans in store for Meena. As he summarized some of his greatest insights from his life as a leader, he knew that his Magic 7 toolkit will surely help Meena to harness her strengths most effectively. Let’s read on to know more.

SMILESS: The Magic 7

Shared ownership
Micro-wins
I-Talk!
Learning Hat
Expressions
Story: Listen to the Story
Switch-off

Shared ownership

As a leader, you’ve got to make the shared vision, goals & outcomes relatable to your team. Cut out the jargon and figure out how each one of them can see him/herself growing in alignment with the vision of the organization. Can they ‘feel’ it (the excitement about these outcomes) in the gut, at a visceral level? Or does it seem too impersonal and something “out there”? Think of different ways to refine your messaging and get the buy-in that will motivate folks from deep within… so much that at the crack of dawn they’re so excited that they can’t wait to get to office. It is leaders like you who make it happen. You have it within you!

Micro-wins

You’ve got to plan for quick wins, didn’t they say that at that leadership seminar for the n’th time again? Well, it’s not only about celebrating each positive outcome or development. As a leader, you’ve got to plan victories for your team; quick, small & big wins that make them experience a high, a sense of fulfillment as they better themselves in every step of the way.

How can you reframe your project tasks as ‘winnables’, and not just ‘deliverables’ on a spreadsheet or project plan? ‘Winnables’ may often involve stretch mini goals where they’ve got to learn something new, develop a new strength, or re-discover a talent they haven’t used in a while… Scour your plans and reframe them, and get them involed in the process too!

For example, rather than sending that drab reminder for the monthly report with the same text, do it this way:

“So, Mike I want you to learn 3 very powerful ways to aggregate and present this data for the monthly report. Are you ready to take the challenge; Let me give you some tips, or wait let’s figure it out together!”?

I-Talk!

Your Self-Talk uses up a lot of the CPU processing power of your brain, much more than you can imagine! Since a lot of it happens without notice, very often it is the wrong kind of messages that clog up the CPU ! Without your express permission, they’ll alter your mood, change your thoughts and at times drain you out and may even send your blood sugar levels crashing with all that heavy duty “thinking”!

Even when the situation is dire, engage your brain consciously with questions that force you to explore and evaluate options and possibilities to move forward. Answers may take time, sometimes a lot of time, but that’s okay. Get your brain to spot that ‘elusive’ silver lining or send a command asking for clues to create a silver lining instead! Generously notice, acknowledge and appreciate inside your mind to begin with!

I-Talk is about talking to the friend that you can always count on more than anyone else in the world. Make it a habit!

Learning Hat

Learning and growth is no doubt important from a competitive edge point of view for an organization. But it also instills a sense of empowerment in every employee when she/he gets to enhance skills, talents, strengths, capabilities, and competencies and see themselves growing. Moving beyond the cognitive level, learning acquires a radical impact when it changes attributes, traits and characteristics of people, and thereby transforms not just the “way we do things here”, but more importantly, “the way we think out here”.

As a leader, it is up to you to “breathe life” into this very process. See yourself as an enabler in this process. Teach and learn, codify, share and reuse knowledge, and also create new knowledge (every insight, every “Eureka” moment counts even while reflecting on setbacks and abject failures). Show them that you absolutely care and want this to happen. Smartly tweak some of your ‘deliverables’ by adding ‘learnables’ alongside. Keep track and raise the bar whenever you can.

Expressions

One skill that can really be handy is the ability to read micro expressions on their faces. Especially as you become more senior, it can get increasingly lonely. As you may often get a very sanitized snapshot of reality from your reportees. By reading those fleeting micro changes in facial expressions and gestures, you may get more valuable hints about what they are actually thinking.

Micro expressions are not that easy to fake even if you attend workshops on body language skills! These micro expressions are often so automatic that people may not even realize they are showing these expressions. Explore more about the topic on your own, and take your non-verbal communication to the next level!

Story: Listen to the Story

How often do you take time to listen to the “story” behind that recent crisis resolution, or how your colleague managed to escape the customer’s wrath tactfully? Many leaders sign off with a traditional “Well Done, keep it up” routine that’s been done to death already. Instead, start asking them to elaborate about what really made it all happen, what they learnt about themselves… ask them open ended questions with genuine curiosity (let it show on your face, most importantly your eyes!)

People feel valued and acknowledged when they have an eager audience (in this case an audience of one is actually a cool privilege). Make it a learning process. Acknowledge and appreciate liberally and very sincerely. Encourage them to visualize the future and ask them to think loud about how they’ll handle even tougher challenges in future. Do this with more people, and do it often. It can work wonders, and can be far more enjoyable and rewarding than sitting through those employee engagement survey result presentations!

Again, breathe life into the process and observe your own growth as a Leader who is a cut above the rest!

Switch-off

Rhythmic breathing is a cool skill that you can add to your reportoire along with many other tools and methods that help you to switch off. Even a 30 seconds break to do two rounds of abdominal breathing can help your brain take that much needed chance to absorb information and connect diverse strands of data, information and thoughts. Connections do happen, just let them be!

Create mini habits that you can invoke at different times of the day; add in a few stretches, a few breathing exercises, eye rotation, a stroll, maybe some acupressure techniques, some great music, whatever works for you… variety and movement are the operative words.

Self Management is an art, an investment that pays off and a gift that keeps giving. So, breathe in...hold and relax!

Outsmart the Dodger & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 08:10:00 -0700

What’s your strategy to outsmart the consummate dodger?

Be it evading tough questions, shirking responsibility, or diverting attention from real issues… These smooth operators know how to hijack the scene without anyone noticing!

Fine sophistry, a little uncertainty here, some ‘light’ melodrama there, a hint of misunderstanding, enormous confusion, emotional subterfuge, and lots more. There’s a whole bag of tricks waiting for you!

Interacting with dodgers can be unnerving at the best of times. That’s when the full impact of those long winding conversations become visible.

How do you plan to take back the initiative, and restore the right focus in a discussion, meeting or interaction? So you’re not led up yet another blind alley!

Awareness is a good place to start…

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, ReachOut2Win :-)

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Infuse that Optimism & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 7 Apr 2017 09:47:00 -0700

What’s with that missing mojo? Are you wondering why those people aren't that forthcoming with creative thinking? What makes them so risk-averse? Looks like they’ve responded to some clarion call to ‘just-go-through-the-motions’!

Why this hesitation to go that extra mile, notwithstanding your generous prodding?

How about an infusion of optimism, for a change?

There’s a reason why they aren't chasing you with their half-ready ideas! You might very well see yourself as a reasonably optimistic person… For ‘some’ reason they just don't seem to get it!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, ReachOut2Win :-)

Get on to the Same Page & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Tue, 4 Apr 2017 03:49:00 -0700

“I just don't get it. How could they get so confused? I’d spent more than two hours to explain it all… What were they thinking?” Sameer kept tapping on the desk for a long time!

After five days, this has indeed come as a rude shock. His team has missed out some vital data and inputs. Now there’s less than 72 hours for that all-important board meeting. Sameer is totally flustered…

Not a very unfamiliar scene in our workplaces!

That feeling of helplessness and intense frustration is something many will relate to… To find out that some of your “specific” suggestions, ideas and instructions were not really taken on board. Or that people missed out the finer nuance that you expected them to have ‘known’ by now!

They did of course nod in agreement and seemed to be absolutely clear…

Alright, it’s not that people don't get confused…but did any one care to even ask?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

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Handle Inauthenticity & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sun, 2 Apr 2017 00:20:00 -0700

Authenticity is one of the hallmarks of a real influencer. Not shying away from the grey areas. Having the maturity to face up to unpleasant truths. Okay to express one’s vulnerable side… without going over the top!

But, is your authenticity getting reciprocated?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

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Invest in their Change & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sat, 1 Apr 2017 01:15:00 -0700

Most people who embark on significant changes (professional or personal) can certainly do with that extra bit of reinforcement and encouragement.

The change process can be exhausting at times. Self-doubt, confusion, frustration, dismay, grief, fear… it’s a heady cocktail, and can be overwhelming for many!

You may be a peer, a manager, or just a friend… How do you see your role in their change?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

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Disagree with Grace & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 01:23:00 -0700

Make the right moves, engage and disagree with grace.

Push and challenge yourself a little more, each time!

& Keep the door open…

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

Customer Engagement: Present Less, Understand More & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 00:11:00 -0700

Thank heavens for that espresso. Ten slides to go, with more data, more graphs and more of everything in between… Rita had almost passed out.

Finally, she’s found out the hard way that being a customer isn't a breeze!

Death by powerpoint can indeed feel like slow death by a thousand “bullet” points!

Think about this, before rushing to your next interaction with your client.

How do you plan to reclaim the focus… away from presenting and more towards understanding?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

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Bend those Rules & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 00:33:00 -0700

“I can’t be disagreeing with him so openly”

“They won’t accept me once I disclose these findings”

“I will need to continue doing this”

“I’ve got to present a happy, calm demeanour”

Whose rules are you really playing by?

What does it take to challenge them?

And, how will that transform your ability to engage effectively?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

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Know that 3 AM 'them'! & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 00:35:00 -0700

Alright, they have a terribly hectic schedule, but you still want their time!

Grabbing eyeballs isn't easy, unless they see a compelling value proposition in engaging with you!

No doubt, a strong foundation of deep trust is desirable too…

How do you get there?

How do you create that compelling desire to positively engage with you?

But, where do you start?

And that too, start off well, & Make them sit up & Notice!

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Ask Well & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 01:59:00 -0700

Asking the Right Questions, or Asking questions the Right Way?

What’s the way ahead to change your results?

Temper the Familiarity & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 22:19:00 -0700

“Why am I not surprised?” They don't even seem to try anymore… Their responses, words and expressions, actions all seem to fall into that familiar pattern.

You’re left scratching your head looking for fresh thinking and options from them. Ain’t happening, you’ve concluded?!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

Know the Emotional Outcome & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 24 Mar 2017 22:25:00 -0700

What feelings do you want to leave them with, at the end of a conversation?

Build the "NO" Muscle and ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 23:03:00 -0700

Boxed in by choices you don't resonate with?

Dare to examine the compelling reasons to put up with them?

Scan & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 23:39:00 -0700

You're sure, the message was received?

Let's find out!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

Reach out NOW, Reach out to win :-)

Stay Unflappable & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 22:16:00 -0700

It isn't unusual for some people to try and trip you with provocative statements, obnoxious remarks and offensive expressions… All meant to push you off the edge, and get you to make a spectacle of yourself!

You certainly don't want to oblige them, right?

So, what’s your plan to keep bringing the focus back?

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Conquer the Fear and ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 07:06:00 -0700

Fear and conversations! Those tepid responses, that depleting trust, and this gnawing discomfort… is it really about them? How much of it is a function of your own projected fears, stress and insecurities?

What can be done?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2win :-)

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Just Righteousness is Just fine!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 23:39:00 -0700

To an extent, it’s good to have this urge to prove yourself right and to score points with others.

There’s a caveat though.

Left unchecked, it can damage your ability to influence others.

No one loves interactions with overbearing, pompous, self-righteous folks.

Here's how you can work with Just Righteousness!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2win :-)

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One More Chance & ReachOut2Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 06:50:00 -0700

Impressions count. But do they also keep us tied down?

Do you have it in you to help someone break out of an image-trap?

Will you go where others won’t?

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2win :-)

Align with Values & Spread Influence

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Sat, 18 Mar 2017 03:12:00 -0700

Values drive our choices, preferences, likes & dislikes, decisions and actions… indeed the very direction of our lives.

Knowing, acknowledging and showing resonance with their value-system can often lead to a powerful sense of connectedness, understanding and rapport. Of course it takes some work to make it work! You can’t be faking it that easily, which in any case isn't what you’d want to do either.

So, get to know them better with each interaction and beyond. Observe and notice with a lot of thought and positive curiosity. Hold the urge to rush into snap judgements and assuming there’s nothing more to know!

What are they very passionate about? What are their pet themes and ideas? Where and how do they spend their time? What do they absolutely enjoy doing? Who are their role models, friends, trusted partners? What do you see in common between them and their role models, friends and partners? What do they like talking about? All these questions give you indications about their value system, their strong preferences, likes and dislikes, and what really influences them.

What agitates them? What gets them infuriated? What kind of actions, incidents and behaviors throw them into a tizzy? Are there topics they wouldn't want to discuss? What do you think will push them to fight till the finish? You’ll get clues about values that they’ll defend, come what may!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2win :-)

Spot & Disinfect the Alarmist!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Thu, 16 Mar 2017 22:48:00 -0700

Wild doomsday predictions, extreme pessimism, hopelessness, negativity and good ol’ scaremongering… they just revel in it don’t they?

Tell your risk appetite to go take a walk!

The alarmist has taken centre stage!

Well, some of them are tragically unaware of the bad vibes they spread!

So, what’s your strategy to counter the alarmist?

First, learn to spot them.

Wannabe Alarmists:

The wannabe alarmists can be a little over-the-top, making your job a bit easier.

Excess usage of negative adjectives, drawing absurd links between unconnected incidents, mild to wild exaggeration, refusal to acknowledge positives, crystal gazing by extrapolating trends from isolated incidents… the craft isn't that sophisticated yet!

Consummate Alarmist:

The consummate alarmist is often a smooth operator par excellence! They’ll get you to do most of their dirty work. Gently nudging you to spot the “danger” signals, they’ll encourage you to think out loud, and talk about your fears & frustrations. They’ll ask you leading questions cleverly designed to tap into your basic self-preservation instincts. Rich “empathy” will be on display. Of course, they’ll spice it up with anecdotes and horror stories for that “confirmation bias”, just in case!

In short, they’ll make you that newbie wannabe alarmist! And then you’re a team…

A few tips for your counter-strategy:

Get them to talk more…Ask a lot of questions, open and closed. ‘Agree’ with them, pretend to be startled, use OMGs and Goshs liberally, and encourage the consummate alarmist to become a wannabe!

Buy time instead of rushing into any action.

Matter-of-factly raise facts, discrepancies, and mismatches in their narrative. Be calm and avoid provoking them. Pretend that you’re actually trying to confirm their narrative, and keep disproving it at the same time… Act clueless and ask them to provide more clarity on confusing points and issues.

Then, load them with follow up work to tie up these loose ends. As if you’re just waiting for some more evidence before signing on. Keep them hopeful that you’re on their side.

Don’t forget, you have pushed them to wannabe mode! Sit back and watch them go over the top.

No doubt many alarmists are indeed psychic vampires of a special kind! You may feel totally drained out at times.

Do invoke your trusted self regulation routines like deep breathing, silent positive affirmations, mindfulness and present moment awareness… You’ll have more clarity and presence of mind. Alarmists love their confused victims!

Take a break and allow time and sunlight to work together.

The latter is a natural disinfectant!

Don’t allow the alarmist to manipulate you. Their chicanery is pretty evolved. They’ll make you play ‘safe’, spoil relationships and limit your influence.

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2Win :-)

Tone it UP!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Wed, 15 Mar 2017 22:19:00 -0700

“It’s THE most important event in this season”.

“It’s the most important event in THIS SEASON”.

How you say it DOES Matter! Yes, it DOES!

Vary your volume, pick the words that’ll get more emphasis, align your body language, just grab their attention from the word go…

You may alter the rhythm, modulation and the pitch to create a special effect they’ll notice. Diaphragmatic breathing is also highly recommended for that extra versatility.

Planning helps!

Your voice tone helps you effectively convey emotions, understanding and connect. You can shift your mood and that of others simply by changing your tone.

CHOOSE YOUR INTENDED STATE!

You can convey anger, optimism, peace, joy, exhilaration, indifference, frustration, anxiety, disgust, and so many emotions by the skillful use of tone. You can choose to come across as eager to engage, charged up, neutral, disinterested, diffident, guarded, trusting, or simply cool and effervescent. Observe others who seem to do it effortlessly to project some of these states. The ones who manage to retain that authenticity and natural style are the best role models!

How are they using their tone?

The impact can often be much more powerful than you’d imagined!

Don’t do the TONE recklessly!

Get going with the influence thing, one conversation at a time!

ReachOutNOW, ReachOut2Win :-)

The Art of Performance Review Discussions: 3 Must Haves in your Leadership Training Program

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 08:06:00 -0700

So, you'd like your leaders and managers do better performance review discussions with their staff?

You've decided that perhaps, a mere pep talk on how to conduct One-on-One meetings won't do!

In case you're thinking of organizing a formal training program, that sounds like a big step indeed.

Have you got your curriculum whetted and sorted out? Before you send out the request to the training department let's make sure we've got the i's dotted and t's crossed!

Let's look at three key skills/competencies that can help your leaders do pretty well and get best value from their performance management discussions. Ensure that your training program includes rich learning experiences that do justice to these concepts and themes.

Animated, Inspiring Conversations about the future

Add in a Module on making inspiring yet grounded conversations. This is a vital ingredient.

It's not just the STAR performers. Even that big chunk of "B performers" in your teams want to feel a genuine sense of pride. Pride and belief in themselves, and what they can do and accomplish. Most of us want to to keep this belief alive. And we feel so relieved when our circumstances and environment help us do that.

Not a vacuous sense of hope. But one that's backed by opportunities to bring out a better version of ourselves. We want to believe that given the right opportunities, we will be able to validate ourselves with our unique strengths, capabilities and skills.

How well do your leaders tap into this hope across their teams? Are they able to have conversations that acknowledge and awaken this hope? And, then go further to get the folks inspired about opportunities and possibilities, and thereby embrace change? Can they articulate it with the right energy and enthusiasm? People want to see, hear and 'feel' the connection to the larger goals of the organization.

Snazzy powerpoint slides may not achieve what a sincere ten-minutes conversation can. Where the leader excitedly helps them “personally walk through” to the future goals of the team, the department and the organization. The key point to be noted: They must “see themselves” in this journey, and get the connection clear.

It helps them understand what it takes to move towards these outcomes, as an individual. The skills, behaviors, attributes, qualities, knowledge and understanding that will make it possible. It's of course not possible to join all the dots. But an overall sense of direction can spur them on to go ahead and make it happen.

This is not about converting all your leaders into perfectly suave “dream-merchants”. Introverts, extroverts, big picture folks, the doers, the dreamers, the detail-driven perfectionazis...Your leaders fall into all these categories and more! They can all inspire their teams with sincere, well pitched, meticulously prepared and thoroughly articulated messages.

Help your leaders develop and nurture this skill. To be able to make such conversations in a structured manner. You’ll be amazed at the kind of alignment and buy-in they'll secure. Train them to learn this craft of animated and inspiring conversations. And to apply it without coming across as contrived. Those dots are indeed worth connecting!

Generating Authentic and Accurate Self-Insight

This module is the perhaps the toughest and most critical one in your training program. So, pay good attention and make notes!

Of course, performance discussions can't be all about the excitement waiting in store in future! You have to dispassionately talk about past performance. Deriving the right lessons from the past is critical.

This is typically where things can go out of control.

There's conflict avoidance and over-sanitized talk at one extreme. At the other end, it doesn't take too long for a few words and expressions to spark combative encounters! Not the best way to generate self-insight in the individual. With injured pride and a baggage of defensiveness, reflection is the last thing on their minds!

Your course curriculum must train your leaders in the art of making conversations that lead to reflection and self-awareness. To get people to examine facts, nuance and the context, minus filters and inadvertent (or even deliberate) distortion.

Special emphasis must be made to avoid language traps: overused and inappropriate expressions, misplaced exclamations, gestures, hooks that trigger those "touch-me-not" responses, provocative frowns, dismissive smirks, pejorative words... It isn't that tough to go downhill with "unclean" language!

As you might have guessed it, a leader who is lacking in self-awareness can't hope to get any big breakthrough with his/her team. Performance discussions have a power asymmetry built into it. How to transcend that barrier? "Know-it-all-seen-it-all" folks won't have a clue!

Notes for Curriculum Design: Make sure your curriculum deals with this theme with sufficient depth and sensitivity. Some of your leaders may have lived with these traits for a lifetime. Without any awareness at all! Will your training course help them take a new direction?

Doing a performance review that generate "actionable" self-insight is an art. The one question you want people to keep asking themselves repeatedly is "What more will take me there?" And the last word in this question ("there") is the key to the future. With the right resources, tools, knowledge and support, many goals are within reach. Self-insight is most useful when we get these "Aha/Wow" moments. "Oh Yes, this is what I need to learn; this is the help I need; this is the challenge that's likely to trip me again...." You really want conversations that allow people to think aloud, and connect these pointers. Without being held back by resistance, self-pity or aggression.

Your curriculum must help leaders work out an approach that helps them stay in charge and avoid dysfunctional patterns.

Functional Empathy!

Note: This module is of a high-investment nature with potential for high returns! Find out what more can be done for even better yields!

“Well, we've heard about empathy and why it is essential to feel what others are feeling etc... In a professional setting like a One-One discussion, all this touchy-feely stuff can be intimidating to some!

Especially those who have trained themselves to "leave them emotions at the entrance gate". Your training course needs to first tackle these derisive and disparaging attitudes towards empathy, and then help leaders create a personalized "GPS Direction Finder”.

This direction finder will help them set the right pace and tempo to predict, acknowledge and address some of the strong emotions people experience in these discussions.

What is triggering that fear about a certain change? What concerns are they leaving unarticulated? What is the confusion they aren't acknowledging? What’s making them clam up? What weakness are they shying away from? What lies beneath this pretense of confidence? What is the anger they're suppressing?

It is important for the leader to spot these signals and decode them quickly. A large part of this information needs to be picked up from non-verbal signals and by reading between the lines.

Relax! The idea is not to start a psychological therapy session! But to pick up the signals, and then assuage some of these concerns in a resourceful manner. Use the signals to ask questions that lead to enlightening exchange of views and authentic awareness for both parties. With this level of understanding, the discussion gets transformed totally.

The trust that it generates is worth its weight in pure gold! Trust that the leader is not merely looking at "utilizing resources", but going several steps further to help people realize their potential. That's how you get performance that isn't employment-centric, but employability-oriented and far beyond that, actually.

Getting people to set audacious goals, raise their risk appetite and go all out to attain them will seem like a natural progression. Several of your "B performers" have that benign "killer instinct". Help your leaders ignite that spark in their people.

Examine your curriculum and look for learning experiences that help leaders understand people and their unarticulated messaging better. You can call your modules "Empathy" or "Social Intelligence" or whatever. Don't bother about terminology. The meaty part is the "understanding" thing.”

Moving Beyond Role Plays and Simulations

Talking about the learning experience, you want these skills to take deep root.

You want leaders to not just get the best out of these discussions, but to also come across as sincere. Of course, your training needs to have the right kind of case studies, group discussions, role plays and simulations. What more can you do?

Discreet 360 degree feedback might be a good idea, as a post training check, if you can afford the time. The idea is to eventually have them apply these conversational styles in day-to-day work situations. Not only in formal performance review discussions.

A personalized cheat sheet with key learning insights, plus some practical tips and tricks may also be a great idea. Ensure that there is a robust mechanism to keep the post training learning experience enriched and on-track.

Raring for a Fight? 3 things for combat readiness!

noreply@blogger.com (Suresh Sivaraman) — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 10:46:00 -0700

Instead of resolving conflicts, what if you actually wanted to perpetuate them? Maybe, it suits your agenda to keep fights alive with folks you don't particularly like. You’re hoping to tire them out. Or get them so freaked out that they forget to think clearly. You’re not the one to shy away from fights. In fact, once in a while you love to draw in energy from strife and squabble. Perhaps it suits you to keep things simmering so that your opposition is confused, often miscalculates, and makes enough mistakes to keep going round in circles. Well, there could be many solid reasons to stir the pot and make merry! Although it may seem otherwise, the good news is it doesn't take much effort actually. In fact there are quite a few time-tested strategies that you can rely on.

Alright, maybe you really aren't wired in your brain this way. You’d rather keep your peace of mind and enjoy it too. You might still want take a look at these strategies, though. After all, there are many folks out there who are indeed wired in this manner. At times on purpose, and often unwittingly they do everything it takes to keep conflicts go on and on. For those on the receiving end though, this is as close to hell as it can ever get. It helps to be adept to spot these strategies before it is too late.

Let’s look at three in particular.

The Injured Victim Act:

Convincing yourself that you’ve been unfairly victimized by someone is a high returns strategy that works well most of the time. It pits you, the simple and straightforward victim agains the evil aggressor. The stuff that many conflict dramas are made of. After all, with a demonic tormentor snapping at your heels, what can you possibly do?

Never mind… there were enough options for you to walk out of the unfavorable situation. Of course, some of those options came with some pain. Small details like your own contribution to the mess don't matter. Don't worry, there’s no need to go full-on with lies either. Somehow connect unrelated events, situations, facts and half-truths. Tell everyone you meet how you were unfairly pushed around. How you were forced to make compromises. Your personal responsibility to address the situation is at best a forgotten footnote. Your helplessness against the unmatched evil nature of your opposition is a perfect narrative. It helps you avoid constructive action. The pot keeps boiling over, just as you wanted it! You’re entitled to your victimhood after all. And you must “fight back” and secure your territory.

Come Hell or High Water, Obstinately ‘defend’ these!

Our values, beliefs and assumptions drive so many of our decisions in life, big and small. Career choices, eating preferences, relationships, entertainment options… There’s hardly any area in life that isn't impacted by them. It is natural that we’d want to defend our values and beliefs whenever there’s a threat perception.

And, therein lies a great opportunity to go overboard, and attract more strife. Again, this is pretty straightforward. Pretend to be outraged and aghast over perceived threats to your values and beliefs, howsoever trivial the issue. Just allow your imagination to run riot. Take minor issues or disagreements and completely blow them out of proportion. Start hyperventilating whenever you can, as though your very existence is being threatened. Accuse others of being dismissive and insensitive to you and your beliefs. Don't stop at that. Portray them as offensive aggressors who are going after you. Talk to anyone who’d listen. Exaggerate at every step, and paint your opposition as thoroughly mean and unscrupulous to the core.

Offense is a good tactic, so that you can ignore any uncomfortable evidence that may expose your claims. The idea is to create so much din and cacophony that reasoned discussions just aren't happening. Don't allow others to question the validity of your assumptions. You maybe driven by vanity and ego, but don't look the part. Feign outrage whenever you can. Blend facts and fiction nicely, so that more people agree you’ve got every right to defend yourself. After all, you're raring for a fight.

Defensive it is!

There’s something called constructive conflict, and then there’s all the other kinds too. Getting people to operate out of strong defensive and negative emotional states is a brilliant recipe for the latter.

After all, you’re looking for recurring discord! You must engineer dysfunctional behavior in others. As often as you can. You can make a start by channeling your own fears, insecurities, hatred, anger, doubts, grief, and frustration. Invoke as many of them as possible. Feel those feelings fully.

And this is how you’ll do it…Don’t pay much attention to what’s going right. The other person may have done good deeds. Keep ignoring those, and instead focus on all their faults. Keep observing every lapse with a microscope. Use rigid and even absurd standards to “assess” and “rate” them. Attribute malevolent motives to every misstep, omission and aberration. Stay economical with facts. Make illogical inferences and incorrect conclusions. That’s how you’ll muddy the waters. Even if you know you’re exaggerating, don't bother. Make copious mental notes, and store every bit of “evidence” of their wrongdoing in your own database. You’ll need all this data to portray them as not just mean, but also quite imperfect.

Now’s the time for the killer move! Confuse them, and other onlookers with some good ol’ chicanery. Make public displays of goodwill towards them once in a while. Play the part of the magnanimous compulsive do-gooder. You’ll get to keep your brownie points. Turn off the switch soon, and again do things that’ll make them defensive. Push their hot buttons and engineer their auto-reponses. Words or actions of the on-the-spur-of-the-moment kind will do. You want them to make a spectacle of themselves. A few blunders is all you want really.

Provoke and do everything possible, (without batting an eyelid) so that they attack you first. You’re too smart not to let go of the golden opportunity. Just fire all of your guns at once!

Desperate for a change, they may even try engaging in some constructive conflict resolution. Once in a while you can play along, just for the right publicity. But again provoke them. And keep shouting to everyone “I told you do so”.

So, as you can see, it isn't that difficult to sustain a state of friction. You can mess up your own peace of mind and that of others.

Even if you aren't like this, spend some time to reflect on these points. Observe those who indulge in such behaviour. Understanding these behavioral patterns will help you identify options to change the narrative to one that’s more empowering and uplifting.

Write down three things you’ll do differently to change the narrative!