When people tell me that they are not "good at schmoozing" either in their professional or personal life, it can be an explanation or an excuse and sometimes both. First off, schmoozing is easy going conversation that is engaging and without an objective. It's easy going because there is no "goal"and that allows for the "getting to know you" exchanges where we establish common bonds (we enjoy the same sports, movies, authors, restaurants or find out we went to the same school, camp, training seminar...you get the drift). Whether it's business or social, engaged conversation is the vehicle that connects us to others and provides an opportunity to get to know them. Whether we are attending a networking event so that we can garner (and give) referrals, make contacts as as part of a job search strategy or build visibilty in a segment of our various communities, it won't work if we are not talking to others. Beyond, "Hello, my name is Chris", we should be prepared to schmooze and carry on interesting and interested conversations. That's why I wrote What Do I Say Next?
It's easier if you are well-read and well-informed. There are so many more options to do so both online and in print.
1. Read a paper and an industry magazine. Check blogs in your area of interest. Visit relevant websites.
2. Prepare a 7-9 second self introduction.
3. LISTEN, listen, listen
People tell us what they want to talk about if we are paying attention and not planning our next comments as they speak.
The key to the kingdom is conversation that opens doors to infinite possibilities!
Having good friends who are smart and wise is a time/life/money-saver. When they also have a great sense of humor, we've hit the Motherlode. Such is Robert Spector, my dear friend, who is an acclaimed author and speaker. I mentioned to him that I was a tad green that another author's book made some terrific best-seller lists seeing as that I had covered the subject in one of my earlier books.
Robert's comments were so wise and sensible that he changed my thought process. He said he can't be envious or jealous of one particular aspect of someone's life because we have to look at the whole package. While I may wish my book was on a certain list, would I want their cholesterol count (Not a chance, my HDL is 81 without meds), their mortgage, their kids, their lifestyle, their friends or lack thereof???
I look around the health club and I see people who are more fit (the Spinners... and I don't mean the singing group),more athletic and thinner. But, would I want their spouses, kids, remodeling problems, job insecurity? Not a chance. And they, undoubtedly, wouldn't want my life even with my great HDL.
Robert changed my thinking and gave me the "whole picture" view. I'll leave the "being green" to Kermit, The Frog.
goes unpunished. The first time I heard that phrase was from my trainer after I described a situation I had encountered. BTW, my trainer, is an ordained Presbyterian minister whose wisdom and generosity are well known. Having been taught to do good deeds and getting caught in the vise of some peoples' inexplicable reactions to receiving a boon, was and is confusing.
I saved a client about $370 of expenses because of the rides to and from airports as well as one night of lodging providing by friends. The meeting planner was appreciative but the accountants had to have receipts. These are not normally given by friends who provide transportation and a couch.
I took my friend to dinner as a thank you in lieu of a night at the hotel. Dinner was a 1/6 of the cost of the hotel room plus a cab. The accountants don't think or care about how much the company was saved only if they can see a receipt. Of course, all these mileage machinations took my time because they wanted the exact bridge toll and mileage numbers. Funny thing, at the going rate of 50 cent per mile, they owe me $8 more than the amount of the reimbursement I requested. My TakeAway: Sadly, Sherwood is right. This good deed has been punished. Have yours?
You answer the phone knowing who it is and HOPING that Mr or Ms Help Me might be calling to say hello. After a few pleasantries that SEEM to lead to a real give and take conversation, your hopes are dashed when you hear the familiar, "I have a question..." You realize the call was never about staying in touch, checking in to hear how you are or to find out what's going on with you. As usual it's all about the caller who needs just one more bit of your feedback, information or insights for their benefit. Geez, what a disappointment... again. I know because I have a couple of those "friends" in my world. I call to touch base, check in, say hello. They always call with a self-serving agenda. They aren't BAD people and they could even be nice but in the clueless category.
My exasperation with one person who constantly called with "just a question" (always of brain picking proportions) reached my last "under the guise of networking" nerve. What I said was, "Of course, you have a question, you always do." How I said it was with inflection worthy of Woody Allen.
With hindsight, I've thought of a few answers for Mr or MS Help Me brain picker:
"Gee, I have no idea. Let me know when you find the answer."
"So how are you? Tell me what's going on in your life."
"I haven't heard from you in a while. Since we spoke I won a Noble Prize, lost my job, got married, broke my leg..." Fill them in as if they asked and were interested and avoid their question. Will they get your drift? Sadly, the obtuse self-serving rarely do. But that doesn't mean we stopped trying.
Smart networkers, good friends and the people we like best and WANT to refer leads to ... take the to touch base with us about US.
And how do you handle the Help Me Herd?
"Sure, I know how to say hello, introduce myself and find out who I'm talking to, but what do I say next?" (Hence the title of my conversation book by that very phrase). That question arises in many of my presentations. People want to know how to have interesting conversations. One of the other questions I'm asked by sales groups and other business professionals is: "When and how can I change to the topic to my agenda?" What I learned in my research and surveys is that conversation is the heart of a sale. Period. End of story. BUT, selling services and products is NOT conversation.
The more we are communicating and the deeper we are building relationships, the easier it will be to establish trust as a foundation for the sale. BUT, selling (that constant self-absorbed, self promotional verbiage is NOT conversation by any stretch of the imagination and it usually annoys conversation partners). Establish rapport. These tips apply to job search networking as well. And be sure to thank people for any gift of time, support or a lead.
1. Have a 7-9 second self -intro
2. Listen, listen, listen (People tell you what they want to talk about)
3..Read the paper on-line and offline to have material for conversations. (current events, movies, books, local and national politics and that grand standby, SPORTS).
4. Tell a personal story to underline a point.
5. Close the Conversational loop. ALways come back to original story and person so that you demonstrate that you were listening and not just interrupting and changing the focus.
Bonus tip: Talk with Your Face! Be expressive while you express yourself.
This may sound like a paraphrase of a Marx Brothers movie. Yesterday I spent a "Day at the Opera" in San Francisco's beautifully renovated Beaux-Arts War Memorial Opera House (1932). Through my friend Bonnie's friend Carolyn, I was able to attend the dress rehearsal of Gershwin's Porgy and Bess... a favorite of mine (and all those others who scooped up all the tickets for the performances).
I really wanted to wear my nice jeans with a fabulous new top but there was that voice in my head saying, "You are going to the Opera House, not a local movie. Don't dress like a schlub." It harkened to my days growing up in Chicago where going "Downtown" was a special treat and required "dressing" for the event. In my Mother's day that meant wearing gloves, a hat (she was in millinery) and a dress. Shoes and purse matched. In my day, we ditched the hats but we always "dressed" for theater, a dinner downtown, etc.
At the Opera House, where I attend the San Francisco Ballet, people run the gamut in fashion... or the lack thereof. While I may not wear a gown (I did for the special 75th Anniversary premier program), I always wear a knit pants suit with accessories that make me feel "dressed up." Many of the audience members did the same for yesterday afternoon's rehearsal. But some thought that rehearsal meant ball park attire. It shouldn't surprise me. But it always makes me feel a bit wistful for the days where we dressed for the occasion.
People often ask me how to be comfortable at the events they attend where they have to work the room. Dressing for the event can make us feel like we belong and more comfortable and confident. I may have been more comfortable in my jeans. But dressing up for George Gershwin, Porgy and Bess (and the whole cast) and our beautiful Opera House made me feel good. And so did the Washington Opera's rendition of an American favorite.
They are "savers" in the truest sense of the word. They saved money, they planned for their benificiaries, and they saved string, cans, old calendars, and for the women, old Kleenex. "Surely you jest," may be your reaction but no, I'm not. In my new phase as Survivor Trustee for a dear friend who had no children, I've learned alot about that generation. When I share my new "you won't believe it" insights with friends, they corroborate with stories of their parents, grandparents, Aunt Dora and Uncle Frank.
1. They hide money...just in case. These people lived through The Great Depression and lost more than a tad of trust in the stock market and banking system. Sound familiar? So, don't throw away a can, an envelop, a raggedly shirt without checking for their SC (Stashed Cash).
2. They saved rubberbands, string, wrapping paper... to re-use (which they never have) so our Depression Demographic were the original re-cyclers. It must be in the DNA as I save three out four of those items! How's that for a scary thought?
3. They also saved the letters they received from loved ones during THE WAR, from camp, from college. And photos... tons of photos.
They savored their cherished memories and saved mementos... something they could touch, reread and hold near to their hearts. Before we turn everything into a CD, a digital memory, we might want to remember the "feel", the personal touch, of cherished memories. BUT, throw out the used Kleenex now!
This business of Branding is getting more interesting because of the volume of noise about it. Products have an easier time of it than services. It was Tom Peters who first wrote about branding ourselves in 2007. It makes sense when we are managing our careers, launching products or providing services.
The point that jumps out of all this noise is the importance of reputation as a huge part of branding. You can have a recognized brand that has a "lemon" rep. After watching behaviors in person and in online social media venues and hearing stories of how people talk to and treat other people, I want to scream, "You are branding yourself and your reputation and the brand is one of "bad behavior". Whether it's the manager who yells at subordinates, the "red tape creator" who need to recant his or her "I can'ts" or the company employee who fails to employ common courtesy and common sense for customers, bad behavior abounds. Demonstrating good behavior, common courtesy and respect contributes to our reputations and building the best brand possible.
After all, who ever says?"I just hired a company with a bad reputation for lousy customer interaction, but it's a recognized brand."
Should I make an error (in grammar,directions, pronunciation, facts about an event), I prefer to know it so that I don't make the mistake again. There are some people who are so good and good-natured when they make the correction, that I want to thank them immediately. Becky Gordon is one of those people. We've worked on several of my books and Becky edits the manuscript for grammar, syntax, punctuation and "sense and sensibility". She recently added to my San Francisco street parking knowledge without ever making me feel "wrong". After a wonderful time at the SF Legion of Honor Lalique,Tiffany, Faberge exhibit we decided to go to dinner. After all, there are a mere 90 restaurants on Clement Street. One of the first we saw was PAGAN and the name pulled me in. It featured Burmese (which I had never eaten) and Thai (which I love to eat) fare. I couldn't wait to experiment and experience the cuisine. There was a parking place in front of a bus stop near the restaurant which is a sign from the parking gods that it was, as my grandmother said, "meant to be."
My thinking is that cars aren't permitted to block buses but Becky noticed it was a "grey" zone which she said means it's permissible to park. Having received a $65 ticket when I spoke for authors@google on Face to Face, I was skittish. Becky didn't want me to be uncomfortable and worried and said she'd split the ticket but she was sure grey meant OK. When we saw a bus pull up, she jumped out of the car and asked the bus driver who concurred with her. Great! I had a space near Pagan. Becky NEVER made a comment, cast an "I told you so" look and, in fact, made sure I parked so that there was a space for a car behind me. "You know how hard it is to park in the city. Now someone else can find a space." I'm sure the person who parked there was pleased!
Because Becky was right and I learned something new, I'll be looking for grey curbs in San Francisco! And I'll try to follow Becky's wonderful example and curb my "I told you so" looks when the situation next arises.
My Word! Plagiarism and the College Culture by anthropologist Susan Blum (Cornell University Press) has great application for those of us past our college years. It's a reminder to all of us who "read something somewhere" or "heard someone state a well-worded comment or conclusion" that creating a collage of other peoples' words and ideas violates the ethics of attribution whether or not that seems to be part of some archaic set of laws. According to a review in The Wall Street Journal, Ms Blum claims that we can "only partly blame the students who cheat as they have aborbed the cultural messages about competition, success multi-tasking and the bottomline." I taught my intermediate and middle school students how, when and why to use quotation marks and indirect quotes. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that hard to do.
Ms Blum makes the point that a post-college culture will pose challenges for those who have few qualms about lifting, borrowing, cutting and pasting. They may call it "plagiarism" in college but when the laws of intellectual property are violated, it's called intellectual property infringement and it's actionable. I know. I have an attorney who has protected my books and me from the "heavy lifters".
Maybe we need to reteach quotation mark rules before these heavy lifters face legal action. Reviewer Christine Rosen makes a salient point: "Steal someone else's words and they shrug. Steal their IPODS and now you have their attention."
Attention must be paid. Intention must be paid as well.