Are  business holiday parties different from businessnetworking events and social parties? That's a question I'm often asked at this time of the year. The answer is a definitive "yes" and "no".  Basic to all are good manners, mingling skills, social graces, the abilities to get in and out of conversations gracefully and to engage with a variety of people.  Being prepared is important to all although the preparation may vary depending on the eevent.  Is it a Christmas or Hanukkah party given by a neighbor?   A client's holiday party?  A friend's 30th birthday or 25th anniversary? Or the potluck open house on New Year's Day? 

1. Know what's going on in the community, the nation, the world.  Read a paper or two. Collect items of interest that are "chatworthy".

2. Prepare your own self introduction...Key it to the event to give others context for your attendance

3.To learn about host, boss,client, neighbor...do some  googling.

4. Check out your friend's Facebook page to learn about their friends. That way you'll know something about the people who will be in attendance and that helps move the conversation along.

For more ideas, check out www.susanroane.com .

    Today was the umpteenth time a movie was impacted by the noisy crinkling of popcorn bags.I can't be the only person who has noticed this.  Of course, it always happens in the most intense scene where the dialogue is crucial to the plot. I don't blame theater goers. After all, popcorn is traditional movie fare. I blame theater and concession owners.
    I get that the money to be made is from the food and drink sold. The solution is easy: go retro and provide popcorn boxes of various sizes just like in the old days.  Boxes don't make crinkling noises. Now, wasn't that easy?
    The next time you go to the movie, forego the "bag" and ask for a box even if you are getting the tiny order of popcorn. If you get a funny look, just be pleasant, smile and offer them a quarter for the box. 
    To be considerate of other movie goers in the shared space, all we have to do is "think inside the box" ...of popcorn.

    It's always a good idea to brush up on skills and experiences before needed. With the holiday season just around the corner, it was a good thing that I attended a luncheon with 22 women I didn't know. I only knew the host.  And I hosted a soiree for How To Work a Room's 21st Birthday. Being a good host means being prepared.   Here are some thoughts that have been on my mind.

HOSTS:

BEFORE the guests arrive, the table is set for a sit-down. For the buffet noshing, the food is on the table.  One friend invited me to several holiday dinners where the table wasn't set and the cooking was not started till guests began to arrive. Waiting three hours for a meal felt like a starvation diet in the making.
Be sure the house/apartment is dusted and cleaned.  Sounds like a no brainer but...we all have stories.
The powder room doesn't need powder but it does need to be cleaned, have proper guest towels or towelettes, etc.

Plan your menu around guests. I had two gluetin allergics, one pregnant guest, one with GERD/acid reflux (she went no where near the salsa), one vegetarian and a number of non Champagne drinkers. So there were cut up, very colorful veggies to go with the dip -although I thought the ruffled chips were a better match. One additional thought: have more than just the right amount of food. It's better to have a little leftover.
Greet guests warmly. This is the place you can shine by making a guest feel so important.
Introduce guests to each other  with the Kernels of common interests; spoken with great enthusiasm and respect.  Two guests had been teachers in the school district at the same time, two guests were breast cancer survivors who had modeled at the fundraiser in different years and two guests were realtors in different counties.

Serve the meal within within one hour of the appointed time.

Talk with as many guests as possible while keeping an eye out for empty glasses, bowls and platters that need refilling. Share stories of how you met each with others and add in some of their recent news/accomplishments.

THANK them for coming to your bash. After all, they made the time to attend.

GUESTS: 

RSVP.  Period. End of story.
If something comes up that day and you can't make it, let the host know.
Show up on time.
   For an open house type of soiree, arrive no later than 90 minutes of the time set. Stay at least an hour unless there are extenuating circumstances. For a meal event, no more than 15 minutes beyond the appointed hour.
Talk to every one. This I mean from the bottom of my heart.  Even if you know a group of people from one place, don't just talk to them. Talk to all the other guests... please! Remember: The host invited you to do more than talk to the people you know...talk to the ones you don't know but who are also dear to the host. My friend, Diane, is a joy to watch. She talks to everyone at a party and makes them feel comfortable, engaged and interesting. What a gift!
Say goodbye to the guests with whom you may have had a great conversation.
Thank the host.

 This next bit of advice comes from my mother: Clear your plate/glass. In fact, help clear the glasses, cups, plates, Giving myself a job helps me meet other guests more easily and I'm helping the host. That's what gracious guests do.

 Super important:  Good guests send notes of appreciation to their hosts. For some that may be a call or an email. I prefer to write notes. That's the "personal touch" we are trying to reclaim. They are memorable, can be saved and reread. If the host spent the time, energy, and money, surely we guests can take the seven minutes to acknowledge that effort.

And your gracious guest/host tips?

How many books can boast (if they could) about 21 years in bookstores? Certainly not many of the estimated 130,000 published a year. How To Work a Room® is officially 21 years old and we are having a month- long celebration to honor this milestone.  There was a debut party 21 years ago and a 10th Birthday party with friends, food and matching embossed napkins.  At 13, How To Work a Room® had a "book mitzvah" complete with cantor, candlelighting ceremony and "relatives" from around the country. And it was fun!

Now in its third version, as a gift, I bought my book its own url and created a webpage of the 21 Timeless Tips for fans, friends and family and clients to enjoy and share with others. Will the siblings be jealous?  I don't know. What I do know is that  milestones of all stripes should be celebrated (as long as I don't have to cook or bake).

Many thanks to the book's Godmother:Judith Briles, discoverer: Annie Cohen, Joann Davis -its brilliant editor and now author; and its successive editors: Zach Schisgal, Edwin Tan, Knox Huston, Matthew Benjamin, Anne Cole and back to Matthew and Laura Friedman who featured it at Book of the Month Club and Mark Chimsky-Lustig who acquired it for the Quality Paperback Bookclub and the gang at Audio Renaissance, now MacMillan Audio.  Many, many thanks to the sales reps and bookstore personnel around the country for keeping it stocked and hand-selling it.

Sincere appreciation to the book buyers who continue to find value in my book and made How To Work a Room® a best-seller!

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!

   I'm often asked how a conversation can be maintained after a lull. Sometimes the lull indicates that the interchange has reached its peak and it's time to graciously exit. Other times, a lull is just a pause to find another area of mutual interest. When we are informed, prepared (read a paper) and have a quiver of stories and anecdotes, topics will emerge. They come from the small talk that begins the exchange and develops there from segues, tangents and subject changes.
  These days more people are saying, "Before I forget"....because so many of us do forget and that adds a new dimension for discussion. One very gracious friend will say, "Excuse me for changing the subject but I (saw a sale, read an article, heard about a new restaurant, bumped into our colleague...) and didn't want to forget to tell you." She does this naturally and it's a polite, efficient, easy way to build interesting conversation.
  In my presentations, people also wonder what to do with boring conversationalists. The easy answer is to bale.  BUT, I recommend that we give people a second chance. When we hit upon a topic of their interest, they are energized and the conversation becomes lively.
   And what about our part in the equation?
  Some food for thought:  
 *Are we energizing listeners? (Listening with our eyes, faces, body language)
 *Have we stories of interesting experiences that we've practiced telling?
 *Are we engaging, informed, interesting?  
And my fourth morsel:
 *Have we tried something new and different to bring to the table? Whether it's a first flight on Virgin America, a new sport attempted or attended, a recipe (just read on Facebook that my cousin made cornmeal- crusted pizza for the first time), an interesting session at a convention or Speakers Series. If the answer is no, try something new and different. Whether it's a wonderful experience or not, it gives us a morsel to bring to the banquet of conversation.

    Yes, I know it sounds counter-intuitive but bear me out. The people who behave badly (be they bosses, colleagues, cousins or coaches) are often the best teachers. Why? They clearly demonstrate what NOT to do or say.  In Face to Face, I talked about the teacher across the hall who the best role model...of what didn't work and how I didn't want to teach or relate to the students and parents.
    If the truth be told, I've been known to roll my eyes in varying circumstances. It could mean: "You have got to be kidding!" Or, "They pay you for this?"  And sometimes it's about food." Persimmon pie?  I don't this so."
    Every time our principal assigned Ms.Awful Teacher a student teacher, my eyes would roll. Then one day, I "got" it. I said to Mr. H, "How clever of you to assign Ms Awful a student teacher."  He was wary and waited for the one-two punch line.  "Really Susan, you approve?" "Absolutely. She is a great role model for any student teacher.... of what NOT to do."  He laughed and I learned the truth.  We learn as much, if not more, from people who demonstrate their shortcomings.
   This week I learned a great lesson. An aerobic instructor with a great following and fun class just couldn't get the beat, count or transition. He was a knee injury waiting to happen. Nevertheless, I always went to his class. Everytime he counted to four but move on three, my eye-rolling was in full force. I never verbally criticized him or called him on it in class. But my rolling eyes were revealing.  It didn't matter because everyone else loved his class and he'd pack in 40-50 samba-ing devotees.
   Then he gave up to the evening  class and a new teacher was hired. His were big dance shoes for the  new teacher to fill.  One of his devotees came to class saying she was giving the new teacher a chance. I watched her roll her eyes.  Ummm.  Then Ms. Devotee decided to let the teacher know that we needed her to "break down" the steps. She said a few more things that were untrue and, to be retro, just plain rude. After class, five of us rushed up to the teacher (whose feelings seemed to be hurt) to say that we loved the class, were able to do her choreography and that we'd tell everyone to join us. In that moment, I realized what a great lesson I learned from Ms Devotee. I saw myself in her mirror.
  At that moment I decided to be more gracious to my instructors, especially the fellow with the following. He is doing the best he can; learning along with the rest of us and trying to provide a fun way to "dance up" our cardio rates.  What he doesn't need is any eye-rolling from me. I will be forever grateful for Ms. Devotee's outburst as it was a great lesson from a badly behaved role model.

  Today's paper reads like the News Updates from Saturday Night Live or a segment on The Daily Show.  No wonder their writers produce such funny skits; the real news begs to be satirized.
  So, Wal-Mart follows Costco in the coffin business because Wal-Mart's business model is "to get people to plan ahead". I can't wonder who'll be selling the nails for those coffins.
 The headlines that Costco now accepts food stamps is next to the headline that the Bay Area's RICH are more optimistic. My head is spinning! Are the rich using food stamps?  Did my eyes play tricks on me? Are the Bay Area wealthy ordering Wal-Mart coffins? In time for Halloween?
  Juxtaposed headlines can make items "pop".  Or just snap and crackle.

Even though I add smiley faces to my notes and emails, (it's a former teacher "thang").  I've find the "you must always be positive" message cloying and frankly, wrong. Thinking positively isn't a bad thing; but only doing that is. Taking action, however small the step, is what works. This was confirmed in the interviews I conducted with people who "turned straw into gold" for How To Create Your Own Luck . They all may have had positive attitudes but the key is that they did something!

Author Barbara Ehrenreich found that her breast cancer diagnosis brought out the the positive thinking brigade and that made her mad; thus the premise for Bright Sides: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America. She's not a pessimist and neither am I, but being practical is preferable. We cannot "smiley face" away our woes, job loss, diseases, economic difficulties. We can visit the doctor, stop smoking, go to a job search workshop, cut up our credit cards and reduce our  spending to alleviate difficulties. And we should keep our senses of humor and be positive ---as long as we are DOING something to help ourselves. A conversation with my friend, an ovarian cancer survivor, confirms what Ms.Ehrenreich encountered. Some days the positive thinking palliative is positively drivel.